50 shades: Darkness to Light
by paleseptember10
Summary: My first attempt at Fanfiction .AU / Christian Grey, 30, multi-billionaire struggling with the BDSM lifestyle. Anastasia Steele, 24, trying to create her own identity away from her complicated family after years of trauma. What these two don't know is that the universe has been working tirelessly to bring them together. Slowest burn ever. HEA. Covid-19 distraction.
1. Chapter 1

**EDIT: 6-27-2020 / This is my first fanfiction and there are a lot of issues with it. It's long, drawn out and frustrating with a million problems with the plot and grammar, but it was an exercise. You can choose to leave me negative reviews and waste your energy but at least I had the guts to put something out there.**

I joined Fanfiction back in December 2019 and started to read some stories. The amount of talent on here is INCREDIBLE. I know we have to thank EL James for the characters but honestly, there are some WAY better stories on here than the original trilogy. For reals though. After reading about 5 or 6 stories (i'm still reading fanfics i my spare time) I became hooked and thought i'd try my hand at this too, for funsies of course. I've never written anything before so this could very well end up being a disaster. Let's see**. **

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**Chapter 1 – Feel so enamored, hold me tight within your clutch**

_November 27th, 2019._

**APOV:**

It's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and while most of America is heading out for the long weekend to loved ones for a wonderful thanksgiving dinner, I'm at the office prepping files and folios of the next latest acquisition at GEH.

The meeting is on Tuesday morning next week and since I won't be here to help Mr. Michael Travis – head of legal at GEH – prepare, he asked me to make sure everything was in order for the second assistant Georgia to help out the day of.

Technically I should in be Big Sur, California right now, taking care of last minute to-do lists and putting the final touches in preparation for my cousin Kiran's wedding extravaganza that will run from Friday to Sunday. As a result I'm also missing Thanksgiving with my entire family, I haven't seen them all in one place in more than a year and my heart just aches to have lost potentially two days out of the week with them because of work.

I started at GEH 4 months ago after my initial job at SIP fell through. After graduation this year, I got a job and a month into working at SIP they went bankrupt and we were told one afternoon that we were all out of jobs. None of the other publishing houses were hiring and my bills were getting angrier by the minute.

I reached out to a few college friends to get some leads and heard back from Alex who had graduated a year before me. We became good friends while we both took photography as an elective course in college and had kept in touch, meeting for coffee every now and then. She was working for the legal department at GEH and said the compensation was more than generous and that it would be a good fit for me. I applied and she put in a good word for me at HR and two weeks later I had a job.

It's been an adjustment period for sure. Everyone here is mostly blonde, immaculately dressed and I sometimes struggle to keep up with the opulence of it all – thank god for Kate, she's such a angel sometimes letting me borrow pieces from her closet and giving me a fighting chance in addition to the hand me downs I get from my cousin Kiran every few months. It helps to have friends and cousins who are obsessed with designer clothing, I'm more than happy to take it off their hands once they're done, I have no issues being a year behind in the trends.

I have a good working relationship with my boss, he's a great mentor; nurturing but also expects stellar work. However, I can't say that from my boss's boss, Christian Grey. I've never met him formally, I've successfully avoided him at every turn so I've only seen him around or heard him scream through the phone while talking to Mr. Travis and I honestly hope to never meet him. I don't care how good looking he is or how amazing it is that he's created a 15 billion dollar empire out of nothing... I can't deal with people who have bad tempers and bad attitudes.

I check my phone, it's 4:30pm and I'm almost done, just a few more last minute things to prep before I can leave but I'm really feeling anxious, I think I'll go make myself tea. The entire legal department is empty thank god, which means I can play my music a little louder as I get all this work done. I walk in to the kitchen area and look to see if there's any tea and of course we're out of my favorite tea. It's a running joke in my life, always out of it when I need it most.

I know the 20th floor kitchen definitely has it since they have every thing; fully stocked like a super market. That's where CEO and COO's offices are. Their kitchen also has a view of Seattle downtown as well, I guess i'll have my tea with a view. I decide to make my way to the elevator and punch in the code for the 20th floor.

**CPOV:**

I have no interest in holidays, I'd honestly rather work but I know my employees have families and lives and in order for me to get the very best they have to offer, I always give them Wednesday to Sunday off for Thanksgiving.

I've given Taylor and Gail the week off as well since I'll be flying out early Friday morning with my parents, brother and sister. The things I get dragged into because of them will be the death of me one day. Only Mia and Grace can talk me, scratch that, no they emotionally blackmail me to death into doing stuff like this.

I call Sawyer and Ryan to go over security requirements for the week followed by Stephan and Nolan to have both jets ready since I'll be flying back Sunday night instead of Monday night with my family.

Before leaving I decide to head to the office to get some last minute work done. I'm having trouble getting work done at Escala, I haven't had a sub in almost 3 months, adding to the fact that I can't stand any of them for more than a month anymore. It gets boring pretty fucking quickly and I'm at my wits end. Flynn is of course having a field day with this; he thinks it's the natural progression of the 30's mindset. That ever since I turned 30 this year, that maybe I'm craving something more substantial than a contractual BDSM relationship. I don't know why I'm still seeing him or paying all that fucking money. Fucking quack.

The ride to GEH is a short one; I find that I can focus better in my office, no distractions – just work. Sometimes I wonder will the sun ever fucking come out, maybe that could improve my foul mood a little. Scratch that, a good sub session would but I can't risk going to a club, one paparazzi picture of my going into an establishment like that and my life is over before I know it

I walk in through the front doors and salute Jim at security, he's been my front desk guy for the past 8 years and he's seen GEH grow from the ground up. He's ex-army and even though in his mid 60's he could give Taylor, Sawyer and Ryan combined a run for their money.

I quickly punch the code and head to the 20th floor.

I settle in and get to work. I've responded to most of my emails, read 3 reports and signed all the documents Andrea and Travis have left for me. It's just past 4:30 and I realize I haven't had anything to eat or drink in the past 4 hours. I walk out of my office and head to the kitchen where I can hear the faint sound of someone singing:

_You lift my heart up  
When the rest of me is down  
You, you enchant me, even when you're not around  
If there are boundaries, I will try to knock them down  
I'm latching on babe  
Now I know what I have found_

I stop at the threshold of the door, mesmerized by the sight and sound in front of me. A young petite woman, brunette, hair tied into a lose bun wearing a grey cardigan top with black jeans making tea for herself. I've never seen her before. We barely have any brunettes here at GEH. Maybe she's new.

_I feel we're close enough  
I wanna lock in your love  
I think we're close enough  
Could I lock in your love, baby?_

_Now I got you in my space  
I won't let go of you  
Got you shackled in my embrace  
I'm latching on to you_

_I'm so encaptured, got me wrapped up in your touch  
Feel so enamored, hold me tight within your clutch  
How do you do it, you got me losing every breath  
What did you give me to make my heart beat out my chest?_

I can't see her face but her skin looks like porcelain and she has the most delicate hands. She moves with a grace and poise. Gentle and unhurried in her task.

_And I don't wanna let, don't wanna let go.  
No I don't wanna let, don't wanna let go_

She's finished singing, her tea made and now humming another tune, swinging her hips lightly. As she turns around to walk out she freezes at the sight of me drops the cup from her hand.

"Mr. Grey?" she gasps absolutely terrified.

She drops her eyes and knees immediately to gather the pieces of the broken china mumbling apologies. As I walk to her she's frantically picking up the pieces and dumping them into the sink next to her. One would think she's a natural born submissive, she's a sight to behold like this. My dick agrees.

"I..I..I'm really sorry, I didn't think anyone would be here... you see they were out of tea downstairs in legal and I knew that this kitchen had my favorite tea... I promise to replace the the tea and china, I'm so very sorry."

She's a nervous wreck and even though I may sound like an ass, it's comical to hear her rambling on.

"Hey... it's okay" I say softly as I quickly gather a few paper towels and join her as she tries pick up the remaining pieces with her hands and soak up the tea from the floor. I start to see small specks of blood and see she has cut on her left hand.

"I'm really sorry, I really didn't mean to cause a mess. I didn't know anyone was here" she says as she looks up to me and I'm momentarily lost. Her eyes are the color of a deep blue sky, sapphires almost; calling to me at some deep level. It takes me a moment to regain my composure. This has never happened. Who is this woman, how have I never seen her before?

"Hey, don't worry. It happens" I try to reassure her. "You hurt yourself, let me get the first aid kit." I get up and go search for it.

"Oh no, thank you, I'll be fine, I'm used to it, I'm always injuring myself" she lets out a giggle as she stands. It's the most beautiful sound. I smile back at her as I walk back with the first aid kit. I hold her hand to pull it towards me and I feel a surge of electricity, I feel our temperatures rise and I can tell her breathing has changed. It takes me a few seconds to recover. Who are you?

I'm cleaning her wound when I hear a phone ring, she pulls it from her back pocket and asks if I don't mind her taking it while I continue to clean the wound.

"Hi K-apa!" she says excitedly, she sounds so young and full life.

"I know, I know but I will be there Friday midday or so I promise. I've been talking to the event coordidnator and everything is going according to plan. I may not be there physically but I am there in spirit cracking a whip I promise you "she lets out a giggle, biting her lip and it makes my dick twitch. Fuck I need to control myself. "I'm in constant communication with the coordinator, don't worry, go have a spa day and I'll see you soon... I know love... give my love to Nani & Nana and to everyone else, I can't wait to see her... yes I get there at 12pm plus the drive to the venue so I'll getting there just as lunch starts... Save me some apple pie from the dinner tomorrow please, I've been dying to have some... um yeah... okay... yes, I will... you too... okay bye."

She puts the phone back in her pocket and looks up to me, smiling apologetically. "Sorry, my cousin is getting married this weekend and I'm Maid of Honor so I'm dealing with the end of the world right now." She laughs and continues, "Thank you Mr. Grey, I really appreciate this, you really didn't have to help out."

God, she's stunning. I offer her a small smile. I need to know everything about her; I feel a sense of desperation to keep the conversation going.

"I've never seen you before, your name?"

"Oh, sorry about that, I'm Anastasia Steele, I work for Mr. Travis in legal. I actually got promoted to first assistant two weeks ago so maybe that's why."

"That explains it." I muse. I'm still holding her hand; I truthfully don't want to let go, what the fuck is wrong with me. "That's a serious name."

She laughs and the color in her cheeks is suddenly intense, god, she's so beautiful "Yes, my best friend says the same, she says I could be the female version of Bond with a name like that."

I chuckle and agree. She continues "Actually... and you probably don't remember this but she interviewed you for our school's newspaper at WSU, her name is Katherine Kav.."

"Ah yes, the tenacious Miss Kavanagh, how could I forget? She badgered my PR team for months on end. I also spoke at the ceremony." I add.

"Yes you did, it was a very impressive speech." I thank her and continue to ask her what she studied and she tells me she was an English Literature major.

"Why are you here a day before thanksgiving? Shouldn't you be with family helping out with the wedding?" I ask.

Her face drops a little, "Oh um, well... I was supposed to head out last night but thing is I won't be here on Tuesday afternoon when the Gotha acquisition papers will be signed and I changed my travel plans so that I could work all day today getting everything ready for the second assistant to handle everything while I'm not here. I know how important this deal is and how hard everyone has worked on it so I wanted to make sure I did my part." She finishes with a sad smile. "Plus it's amazing how much work you can get done when the office is empty and phones aren't ringing off the hook." She giggles.

That fucking sound is heaven sent but I feel like utter shit. She's so dedicated but also missing this important time with family.

She soon realizes her hand is still and mine and quickly pulls away her expression completely changed and almost fearful as she bites her lip. "Sorry..." she mumbles. I'm still close enough and she smells exquisite, of roses and jasmine, I wonder how she tastes. God, I want to kiss her. Those lips look so soft. _FOCUS GREY, FOCUS._

She takes a step back and makes to go around me towards the door "Again I'm sorry to have disturbed you, I'm going to head back and finish getting everything ready. Happy Thanksgiving" she says with a small smile and walks out.

I feel like I'm literally losing breath. This has never happened before. Her sweet voice now echoing in my head.

_How do you do it, you got me losing every breath_  
_What did you give me to make my heart beat out my chest?"_

It takes me a minute to remember what I came to get from the kitchen.

**APOV:**

I make my way out of the kitchen as quickly and as gracefully as I can. FUCK! FUCK! WHAT WAS THAT? I can hear my sub-conscious yelling at me with a huge megaphone "STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM GREY" – the unofficial company mantra among females that no one really adheres to. HR tried t drill that into our heads. I hope I don't lose my job. I can't afford that, this wedding has tapped me out between rent, student loans and constant flying back and forth from Seattle to San Francisco and Big Sur + bachelorette parties and extended family gatherings I am down to my last $1000. My extended family is rich but me, I'm still struggling and it gets really difficult sometimes trying to keep up.

I get out off the elevator at 18th for legal and take a second to catch my breath I hope I never ever run into him again like that. While he was really nice to me now, I know how psychotic he can be and I want no part in witnessing or being on the receiving of that.

Oh god. _Breathe, Ana, breathe_. What a beautiful man, though. He was dressed so casually, with blue jeans and a crisp white shirt and slip-ons with that gorgeous copper hair. I want to run my hand through it. It ought to be a crime to be that good-looking. Now if only he wasn't such a tyrant. Get it together Steele and "stay the fuck away from grey" AND his intense stormy grey eyes. Oh god, why did this have to happen to me? I'll never be able to face him again. I'm such an idiot.

I walk back to my desk and resume my work making multiple copies of all important documents to sign, I check my phone and it's now just a little after 5, I need to get done and go home, I'm exhausted and I want to just curl up in my bed and catch up on my Netflix shows.

Another hour goes by and I'm finally done. I carry the remaining folders of all documents for the Tuesday meeting to Georgia's desk and grab a post it note to leave instructions for her in addition to the email I sent.

**CPOV**

Fuck me. Now I really can't concentrate. It's almost 6 and I wonder if Anastasia is still downstairs. Fuck. FUCK... what could be my reason for going down there? Think Grey, think!

I glance over to my desk and remember I signed some documents for Travis, I could just go down and "drop" them off even though in any other instance this would be Andrea's job. I grab my jacket and phone with the folder and head to the elevators. I press 18th and head down, as soon as the doors opens she's standing there, wearing a beret and strands of her beautiful hair framing her face, looking like a Parisian beauty with a fashionable coat and a crossbody bag, she's looking off into the distance when the door opens and jumps a little when she sees me standing in the elevator.

"Oh, hi Mr. Grey." She smiles brightly as she steps in with me. Fuck... I'm carrying this folder I was supposed to leave it at Travis's desk... I suppose I could just bring it back with me on Monday.

I look at her and she's got her eyes down, hands in her coat pocket lightly humming a tune, seemingly lost in thought and slightly swaying, we just passed the 10th floor and I realize I suck at small talk. All this fucking money and I can't start a conversation with a beautiful woman.

Here goes nothing: "I guess we both has the same ideas today, going to work and now going home together."

She whips her face towards me, eyes open wide and I realize what the fuck I just said and how wrong it sounds. "I mean separately, sorry, I meant that we're both leaving to go home separately but at the same time." _You are such a fool, Grey._

Her lips tremble and she bursts out laughing and it's like an angelic chorus that echoes for miles. I can't help but smile.

"Yes Mr. Grey, separately." She says trying to control her laughter and I feel like she's making fun of me. It makes me smile. As the elevator doors and her giggles spill into the huge lobby echoing. I wish I could bottle up that sound and listen to it forever. I don't know where these sappy ass feelings are coming from but I don't hate them entirely.

We walk together towards the front door, I nod towards Jim and Anastasia walks over to Jim, I stop and witness the exchange."Happy Thanksgiving Jimmy" she says enthusiastically as she hugs him "tell Sarah she has to absolutely teach me how to make that pecan pie, I've been dreaming about it for a week now and let me know the next time Olivia is in town, I'd love to babysit her again, I promised her I'll take her the museums on her next trip" she laughs and Jim gives her hand a squeeze.

"You got it Miss Steele." he says with paternal affection. It's a beautiful exchange, she exudes so much warmth and I'm suddenly a little jealous of Jim. I realize I've known him 8 years and I know nothing about his family life.

She turns around and gives me a confused look and continues to walk to the front doors, I'm a couple of steps behind her. I catch up with her when we're outside and it's fucking freezing, I'm obviously not dressed appropriately for the weather. Sawyer's waiting in the Audi out in front and my pathetic desperation wins again as she's mulling around in her bag, and she fishes out her headphones "It was nice meeting you Miss Steele" I start off.

She looks to me and I can't read her expression "Same here, Mr. Grey, have a wonderful thanksgiving" she finishes with a sweet smile.

"You too, have fun at the wedding... by the way it's freezing, can I offer you a ride home?" I ask, it's a Hail Mary and I'm hoping I stick this landing. She looks towards the car and politely declines saying she lives near by and prefers walking. Smart woman but god, I want her.

I have a distinct feeling her voice and her eyes are going to haunt me till the next time I'm able to see her. Fuck my life.

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**Authors note**: The entire story is going to be very musically driven.

Let me know what you think of Chapter 1 so far. I've written about 22 chapters already and tweaking them here and there as I go. It'll be very dialogue heavy in the future. Eager to hear your thoughts!

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/


	2. Chapter 2

**This is a short chapter. I struggled a bit with it. Longer chapters are ahead. I promise. Thank to EVERY ONE who posted a review. Y'all know how to make a girl feel special. **

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**Chapter 2 – Thanksgiving Day**

_Thursday November 28th, 2019._

**CPOV:**

I haven't slept a wink all night. I can't stop thinking about her; she's taken a hold of me. Her voice echoes in my mind, she's like the Pied Piper and I'd fucking follow her off a cliff at this point. I close my eyes and I see her. I open them and I day dream of her. This is not normal. I need to get a hold of myself. Christian Grey does _not_ lose focus. Christian Grey does _not lose control_.

I am tempted to call Welch and get all the information I can on her but that would be such a shitty move on my part given it's thanksgiving. Fuck, Flynn would kill to know this I know. Fucker, I know he means well but he's sometimes such a smug bastard... I cannot deal right now. I wonder what she's doing.

My phone pings.

EL: Christian darling, Happy Thanksgiving. I have a few new prospects for you to interview. How does Monday 2pm sound?

_For fucks sake, fuck off Elena._

CG: Not interested. Busy for the next few weeks. Traveling etc. Will circle back if needed.

EL: Are you sure?

CG: Yes. Drop it.

Visions of Anastasia in my playroom start to fill my brain. Her porcelain skin a beautiful shade of pink baring the mark of my hands. _God, she'd be magnificent in there_. I imagine her all trussed up and suspended from the grid above as I fucked her perfect body till she screamed my name. She'd be sight to behold and delight to hear. _God, I need her_. But first I need a cold shower to get rid of this erection.

**APOV:**

I'm determined to finish this season of Schitt's Creek before I leave, anything to keep my mind off being alone on Thanksgiving and off of Christian Grey. I've been packed since Tuesday night, ready to leave. Thankfully Kate agreed to take one of my bags and save me the expense of paying extra for checked luggage. She's a Godsend in my life. I'm so happy she's going to be at the wedding. She and K-apa got really close when she'd visit during my college years which means Kate is now a bridesmaid in the wedding and we've been learning all the choreographed dances for the wedding festivities. We are going to crush the guy's side at the Sangeet.

**_Ana's backstory:_**

Ana's father died shortly before she was born. Her mother Carla and her biological father were not married. Carla met Raymond Steele in Montesano and they got married and lived together for a few years till the marriage fell apart. Ana was only 7 the time. Carla married husband #2, whose name we will not say just like a certain Harry Potter character. Marriage #2 didn't last more than a year. Husband #3, Bob came into the picture around when Ana was 17 and now Carla has been married happily and seemingly is stable with Bob for the past 6 years.

When Carla and Ray got married, Ray sought to legally adopt Anastasia and during the brief and tumultuous time with husband #2, Ana begged Carla to let her live with Ray. The authorities got involved and eventually Ana was allowed to live with Ray.

When Ana was about 10, Ray met a beautiful Indian Kashmiri woman Nita. They got married and Nita embraced Ana as her own. Nita came from a wealthy industrialist family back in India that had settled in San Francisco in the 80's. Nita's family embraced Ana and brought her up as their own. As a result Ana speaks fluent Hindi and Urdu and even though she may not share an ounce of blood with them, they are her family. Ana is extremely close to Nita's mother and father who she calls Nani and Nana and Nita's sister, Alia Khala (khala meaning mother's sister or sister like friend). Kiran aka K-apa (apa means older sister) is Alia Khala's daughter and took Ana under her wing while growing up. Ana owes her life to the family for getting her through some incredibly tough times. While Nita came from money, she lived and made her own money and along with Ray they both lived a modest life raising Ana as their own.

At 17, Ana and Ray got into a horrible car accident, Ray died instantly and Ana suffered critical injuries. It took her almost two years to recuperate and she is still emotionally scarred. She still bears physical scars on her lower back and left thigh. Her relationship with her Carla is civil at best. They barely see each other. The accident caused Ana to defer college for almost 3 years till she fully recovered in Nita and her family's care. She still suffers from PTSD and depression. Thankfully she met Kate at WSU who also took her under her wing and she has a foolproof support system. She is cherished and the light of their lives. She's gone through extreme self-esteem issues, from being overweight for most of life and not feeling pretty. Always feeling average an unremarkable. It wasn't until her accident and then college that she lost weight and got in a slightly better mindset but even so she remained closed off to most.

Her cousin Kiran is marrying Daniel, they met during their college years when Kiran would go to visit her brother Vishaal at Harvard and have been dating for forever. Kiran's family is in the hospitality and real estate business while Daniel and his family are high profile lawyers, they are big players on the social scene but the guest is limited to 250 people. This is a huge feat considering it's an Indian wedding. It'll be a mix of both Indian and American cultures.

Wedding itinerary:

Friday morning: guests arrive in Big Sur and check in. The entire resort has been booked out for the wedding festivities and to insure privacy to all the high profile attending.

Friday afternoon 3pm: Introductory lunch/dinner/cocktails with the bride and groom's closest loved ones followed by a low-key musical night with games for both sides of the family and friends to get to know each other.

Saturday: Late afternoon American wedding ceremony followed by reception with extended guest list.

Sunday: Indian wedding ceremony in the early afternoon + Sangeet (night of dancing and indian traditions) at night with extended guest list.

Monday: Send off brunch.

**APOV:**

KK: Steele, I just got to Big Sur and I miss you.

AS: I miss you too and everyone, so jealous. What's happening send me pictures! How is nani?

KK: She's adorable, can't wait to see you. I saw the clothes Kiran and Nani got made for you... you're gonna be the bombest MOH ever. Also I love love my indian clothes, I feel like a fucking princess.

AS: You're gonna look like a Princess I know it. Definitely going to turn a certain best man's head. Did you guys get your henna done?

KK: You think? I am so ready to jump him the next time I see him and yeah I'm about to get henna done in a bit.

AS: Jelly. I really want to get it done but I don't know how it will look once I come back to work. I don't want it to cause an issue.

KK: fuck GEH, that's an HR violation if they bring it up. This is part of your family and culture if you want to take part in it then you should. Let me know if they do say anything, I'll write a spicy expose ;)

AS: Haha this is why I love you..

KK: You know I always got your back Steele.

AS: Steele & Kavanagh forever 3

_I can't wait to get to Big Sur._

**CPOV**

MG: Christian, can you get here already? Elliot is here and I miss your face.

CG: I'll be there soon Mia. What did you cook for today?

MG: It's a surprise. Tried something new, I hope you'll like it.

CG: I'm sure it'll be great; you're a wizard in the kitchen. Need me to bring anything?

MG: And risk you getting lost in the grocery store? No thanks, we're good.

CG: Okay, I'll see you soon.

I arrive at the house and Grace has gone to town with the Thanksgiving dinner. My mind keeps drifting off to Anastasia. Wondering what she's doing; if she's alone or not? Fuck, maybe she has a boyfriend. I didn't even consider the thought of that. Man up, Grey. She's your employee. You don't fuck the female employees; do not break your rules.

Grace brings me out of my reverie, "Christian, is everything okay dear? You've barely touched your food."

"I'm good mom, just a little distracted, a lot going on at work."

"Okay, well eat up, no good work happens on an empty stomach."

The room is filled with chatter, Mia dominating most of the conversation while Elliot mercilessly teases her. We discuss the flight details to for the trip this weekend over dessert and soon settle down in the family room with wine to relax. Every family gathering is like this. I tend to speak only when I'm spoken to, I have nothing to say. I don't have much of a life outside of work. I work, I workout, I fuck a submissive on the weekend or I'll fly or sail when I get the time. There's only so much conversation that can generate. Dad and I talk about general business stuff and politics here and there but on the whole I have nothing to add to these conversations. Mia is the only one to coax anything out of me. She's the light of my life. I thank a higher power, if it even exists, that Grace saved me and then brought Mia into my life but honestly, sometimes I wish she'd shut up.

The family talks about Scooter's wedding this coming weekend. We grew up with him, he's a decent kid, and we're both the same age and ended up dorming together during my short time at Harvard. He's getting married and while I was asked to be part of the bridal party, I offered to be standby should anyone drop out. Mom and Dad have known Scooter's parents since college, they're best friends so it was either I somehow be part of the wedding or suffer Grace's wrath till the end of time. I tried my best to come up with an excuse to not go but I was afraid Grace would kill me in my sleep. Elliot and Mia are fully involved in the wedding and apparently it's the biggest fucking bridal party ever. 10 bridesmaids and 10 groomsmen with me as #11 on standby, I mean who are all these people? Honestly, this is why I hate weddings, fucking waste of time.

I say my goodbyes and give everyone the call time to meet at Boeing. I start the journey back to Escala, it's not a long drive but this late at night it'll be a breeze. I turn on the radio and I realize that top 40 music is absolute shit. Just regurgitated crap. My mind drifts to the thought of Anastasia, sitting next to me as we drive through the night as she softly sings to me, smiling and her deep blue eyes twinkling. I shake my head. No, that's _more_. I don't want more_._

A Post Malone song comes on. Someone I don't entirely hate. The thought makes me chuckle. The song plays on.

_I want you out of my head_  
_I want you out of my bedroom tonight_  
_There's no way I could save you_  
_'Cause I need to be saved, too_  
_I'm no good at goodbyes_

I need her out of my head. These thoughts are futile. I_ am not worthy of more._

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**Authors Note:** What did you think? I have to say that this story will be 90% CPOV. It's very focused on Ana's story and trauma and how she herself overcomes it all. Christian goes through an emotional journey with her and realizes how much he really doens't know about life. I'm from an Indian and Pakistani family myself and live on the East Coast and have used some of my personal experiences to inform the story.

**Pinterest: **www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

**Music: **

Goodbyes (feat. Yung Thug) - Post Malone.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you so much for your support and reviews. I hope you continue to enjoy this story. I'm nervous but also trying not to keep that form holding me back.

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**Chapter 3 – Happy & Sad at the same time.**

_Friday - November 29__th__, 2019_

**APOV:**

I haven't slept all night. Grey and stormy eyes constantly invaded my dreams. _What the hell?_ This is so pointless. _Stop it Ana, you have a wedding to host and hopefully enjoy_. It's 5am and I'm in an uber on my way to the airport and so freaking ecstatic I could laugh and cry and jump off all the walls all at the same time My flight is for 7am, I'm almost at Sea-Tac and have my fingers and toes crossed that everything goes smoothly with the flight and layover in between. I'm slated to arrive in Big Sur at around 12pm, giving me enough time to get to the resort and get ready to play hostess for the entire wedding weekend.

In addition to being Maid of Honor for the wedding, I'm also playing hostess for the weekend with a generous side of being a wedding planner and making sure all goes off without a hitch. Thank God I know almost everyone so public speaking won't be too awful and I can dance to my hearts content without being worried about random guys. K-apa's bridal party is full of the most fun people, Daniel's friends are hilarious and are so enthusiastic about all the dances. The best man who is my arch nemesis is fun guy, Kate is secretly in love with him so I'm going to do my best to play matchmaker this weekend and get her an in. Him and I have been texting and trying to co-ordinate our choreography for the skits and dances. Poor thing has been struggling even though he also lives in Seattle, it's been difficult finding time to meet to do dance practices.

I get to my gate at Sea-Tac and thank god I'm leaving the dread and greyness of Seattle and just as I finish that thought I hear the announcement that our flight has been delayed by 2 hours. I want to cry. I want to cry so hard. In a panic, I text Kate and let her know my situation. She tells me not to worry and to get there as quick as I can. I ask her to take out my pink sari and steam it so that as soon as I get to the room I can quickly wrap it and head to the rooftop conservatory where they are hosting the introductory lunch/dinner and musical game night.

We finally get on the plane and take off, I spend the entire journey going over last minute lists and listening to all the music I'm dancing to and singing for the weekend. My dance with the best man for the Sangeet is a huge concern for me, he looks like a monkey on crack with zero rhythm when it comes to proper choreography so I might have to switch up the talent and we may just sing a song, he said he knows how to play the guitar. God I hope he's better at it than his dancing. Otherwise I will have to abandon my plans and fill the program with something else.

By the time I land and get out of the airport in Monterey, it's 1:30pm and I'm freaking the fuck out. I totally should've flown into SFO and driven down instead, I probably would've gotten to the resort quicker. _I'm an idiot._

I send Kate a text to meet me at reception and help me get ready. It's all hands on deck at this point. Thank God I had the foresight to blow dry my hair early this morning and curl it. I put it in a bun right before the flight to preserve some of the bounce... God I hope it works.

I get to the resort after bribing the uber driver with a $50 cash tip to somehow make the 50 min drive a 20-30 min one. It's a miracle we didn't get caught by the police. God bless this man, I give him $60 instead.

Kate's waiting for me at the reception area at the resort and we haul ass back to the room. I did my makeup in the car, keeping it light with just blush and a highlighter and all that's left is to apply some light mascara and lipstick. I dump my bags and quickly change my clothes and wrap the sari around me. It's not the greatest job but mama will fix it when she sees me I know it. I rush to wear some of the matching thin glass bangles on my left wrist that mama brought back from India to go with my sari. I don't have any jewelry and that's okay, sometimes a red lip can be a bold accessory enough.

"Steele, you look a fucking goddess. I'd totally do you." She whistles.

I can't help but cackle "Thanks Kavanagh, you sure it's not too much?"

"No dude, you're always trying to blend in, stand the fuck out for a change girlfriend." she laughs.

"You're too good to me." She really is. She's made it her mission in life to make sure I see myself more than the 40lbs heavier high school girl I used to be.

I'm wearing a pale pink sari. This shit cost me an arm and a leg so I intend to wear it till the end of time. It's got a beaded full sleeve blouse in the same color and shows very little of my midriff, thank god, with a bataeu neck, I pin the left over fabric to my shoulder to keep both my arms free. I feel grown up and sophisticated. K-apa got all of my other clothes made, she knew I couldn't afford them even though I was adamant to pay 50% of the cost but she wouldn't hear of it. I'm forever in her debt for how she's taken care of me. God, I hope I'm not a crying mess this entire weekend. _Keep it together, Steele._

After Kate fixes my hair and gives it some more life, I sweep it to the side, wear my heels and head out to with her towards the conservatory where the lunch is happening. It's a little after 3pm. I'm so late. It's embarrassing.

We opt to go through the back entrance of the room so that to avoid distracton and just slip in to sit at with the bridal party. As Kate walks in I see that everyone's seated at their tables are twinkling lights and paper lanterns and flowers as the afternoon light warms the entire space, Kiran and Daniel are making a speech, thankfully their backs are to be so I walk in.

**CPOV:**

We're are the hotel and checked in. The sun is out here, thank god and the weather is apparently in the 70's all weekend, thank fuck. Maybe this will improve my mood a slight bit. As much as I wanted a separate lodge, in the spirit of the bridal party I have to stay in the huge ass hacienda they've booked for the entire bridal party and I already hate it. Having Elliot and Mia softens the blow a tiny bit.

We say our hellos to Scooter and his parents along the rest of our family friends. We are introduced to the brides side of the family and soon and make our way to where lunch will be taking place. This wedding hasn't officially started and I'm already over it. I'm seated at the bridal party table and everyone is animatedly talking about the co-ed bachelorette party that happened a month ago in Cabo. The Maid of Honor is a real hit and it's all anyone and everyone can talk about. Her flight got delayed and everyone is anxiously waiting for her. I just hope she's not annoying. I can't take another woman staring at me begging me to fuck her.

Our salads get served and once everyone is seated, I find my seat towards the end of the bridal party table thankful that Mia is sitting next to me. Some of the bridesmaids are already trying to talk to me as they eye-fuck me and I'm this close to losing my shit.

Scooter and his bride to be take to the center of the room to make a speech. My mind keeps thinking of Anastasia, I wish I was with her or that she were here. God, I just want to see her.

Scooter's bride to be take the mic from him and begins thanking and welcoming everyone and as she ends her speech she starts talking about her cousin, the maid of honor who has made everything possible, spending all her free weekends flying from Seattle to Big Sur to help plan this wedding weekend and taking care of almost all the wedding planning. I see the door open to the left corner of the room and see a blonde in a green sari walk in and quickly find her seat in front of me, it's Katherine Kavanagh, she doesn't notice me and quickly turns to face the front of middle of the room. FUCK if she's here... that means Anastasia... Could it be? No. SHIT! God, if you're real then give me a fucking sign.

_Turn me into a believer._

Just as that realization comes to my mind, I see this cloud of pink walk in with a finger to her lips smiling and signaling everyone to remain quiet as she tries to surprise the bride from behind. She skips and playfully puts her arm around the bride and sweetly sings "...And now I'm here". The whole room erupts and it's joyous. The bridal party screams and holler and I'm awed by the reaction she extracts from everyone. She's a walking vision. She's draped in this beautiful pink cloth, completely covered, barely any skin showing but she looks so fucking hot. Her chestnut hair swept to the side, a beautiful face with the most luscious red lips I've ever seen. She's a goddess and I want her. I want _all_ of her.

After hugs, kisses and tears with a bride and groom, she takes the mic and introduces herself. She's nothing like the person I met at GEH, she's confident and playful. My god she is a revelation.

"Hi everyone, I'm Anastasia but you can call me Ana or Aana, depending on what side of the family you're from." She giggles and it's fucking adorable. "I'm terribly sorry for being late but work was a little crazy, so boo!...Anyway, I shall be your hostess with the mostess this weekend in addition to being the Maid of Honor. Please let me know if there is anything you need, I will do my best to make it happen. At this rate I have the entire resort management on speed dial and they fear me so your girl has got you covered." She spins around and engages with almost everyone as she talks, her hand gestures dancing as they do. "I want to officially welcome Daniel's side of the family. I've been looking forward to meeting and getting to know you all. Don't be overwhelmed by what you see tonight, just know that... we're an exuberant brunch... oh wait, I said brunch didn't I?" she places her hand to her forehead and groans while we all laugh.

"Man, I am _really _STARVING... BUT I promise to provide translations and even teach you the best curse words should you be so interested in learning our language... just don't tell my Nani." Everyone laughs and she winks.

"Also I absolutely want to see every single person in this room participate and dance this weekend. If my beautiful 80 year old Nani can bust a move, so can you! The entire bridal party and I are going to drag you on to the dance floor so make sure to do your stretches. We only have three things to do this weekend, drink all the booze and eat the food, dance and of course celebrate my favorite couple in the entire world. Technically that's 4 but whatever, LET'S. GET. THIS. PARTY. STARTED!"

All I hear is screams and soon applause fills the room as she takes a bow and does a little dance. _She's so fucking adorable._

After handing the mic to the bride she runs to the couches across the room from the bridal party table and kneels while her grandmother cups her face and kisses her forehead. Her grandfather puts his hand on her head and she kneels in slightly further. Soon she's going from family member to family member, everyone hugs her and kisses her, some even feed her, and she's so cherished. She's crying, laughing and dancing. At one point two older women are holding her hands and asking her something; she looks like she's whining and soon the bride to be joins them. Suddenly the two older women start taking off their ornate jewelry forcing her to wear it. She tries to resist but they scold her. When she's done, she's wearing delicate gold bangles and an incredibly ornate choker. Fuck me... it's like she's collared. And what a fucking beautiful collar.

I've never collared a sub and but then again, I've never met someone I wanted collar.

She walks away kissing both their hands and faces. These exchanges feel so foreign to me but are so full of love. There is so much love for her in this room and they are all under her spell. She finally makes her way to the bridal party table and I pray to my newly found God that she doesn't notice me. I just want to see her from a far so I quickly get up and walk around her and go sit with Grace and Carrick acting like I need to check some emails and that it's too loud there. I see her interact with everyone. Literally every human being gets up to hug her.

Fuck, she knows Elliot? They're hugging and I'm fucking jealous. Then I remember he's the best man. Fuck me. She gives Mia the biggest bear hug and does a twirl to show off her outfit. No doubt Mia is gushing, she's been yapping non-stop about the Indian clothes she's wearing this weekend and the choreographed dances they've been working on. I suddenly feel so left out, but being able to watch Ana in her element from afar is the fucking prize.

A tall guy, with slightly darker skin, I was introduced to him; he's the brides older brother Vishaal, apparently he went to Harvard and was a few years ahead of me but I don't remember him. He's friends with Scooter as well; he stands next to Ana and put his hand on the small of her back and whispers something in her ear, she jumps and visibly retracts and gives him a disgusted look. She doesn't like him I can tell. She quickly walks away from him and goes around the bridal table. Something seems off and I want to punch the guy but I have got to rein it in.

We're about 100 or so people in the room and everyone is busy in conversation, you'd think that we're all here to celebrate the couple but all eyes are on Ana. She's in the corner talking to Elliot, Kate and Mia and they are laughing their asses off. I can see Elliot struggle as Ana tries to teach him some dance moves and it's comical how he keeps fucking up. I feel my phone buzz and check that it's Ros calling, I need to take this, I don't want to miss out on seeing Ana but I have got to take this. I walk outside for a couple minutes and when I return, I see Mia and Elliot are introducing Kate and Ana to my parents. Grace has one of Ana's hands in hers while Ana has her other hand on Carrick's shoulder. Carrick is laughing and fully engaged with her. This rarely happens with people he's just met. As I walk up, I can hear them talking about henna tattoos and Ana tells them she's not entirely sure if it would look good where she works since the environment has a pretty stiff upper lip and doesn't want to get written up, she's giggles throughout her spiel. Carrick asks her where she works and she tells them it's at GEH, I feel a tiny sense of pride and joy as she says that. Everyone laughs and Elliot calls out to me as I take a seat next to Grace to Ana's far right.

"Bro, will Ana get written up if she has henna tattoos on her hands?" Elliot laughs as he asks.

"Careful how you answer that son." Carrick chides with a wink. Ana's face looks to me and all the color drains from her beautiful face. She suddenly stammers and gone is the girl I saw a few seconds ago.

Her eyes are wide open voice is barely a whisper, "Mmm. Mr. Grey ?"

"Nice to see you again Anastasia, and please don't let GEH get in the way of you celebrating your family and culture" I say truthfully, with a smile. She swallows and offers a small smile in return; still a worried expression lingers on her face.

"Nice save bro." Elliot says.

"Ana, meet the once nameless standby groomsman, my brother Christian. I didn't know you worked at GEH, tell me is he every bit the tyrant I hear?" Mia teases.

Ana recovers quickly and tries to smile a little more "I don't deal with Mr. Grey directly, he's my boss's boss so I haven't experienced the so called tyranny as yet."

She immediately turns her attention to Grace and Carrick and smiles sweetly at them "Please let me know if you need anything at all, I mean it. It was so lovely meeting you, Mia and Elliot can't stop gushing about you both and I feel like I already know you." She gives me a small nod with a tight smile. She turns and gives Mia a kiss and Elliot a high five. Fuck, I've scared her off.

Her energy completely changes, I can see she's nervous and not entirely herself anymore. I feel like such a shit. I've stolen her light and god, I'd do anything to bring it back. She walks over to her grandparents and she kneels next to them on the floor laying her head on her grandmother's lap. Her Nani plays with her hair and brushes her cheek. She looks up and I see her Nani wipe tears from her face. Fuck, did I cause that. Fuck me. No Ana, don't cry, I'm sorry.

**APOV: **

I excuse myself from the Greys and go to my Nana and Nani, I sit on the floor in front of her and she plays with my hair and tries to get me to eat but I've lost my appetite. So I lean my head in her lap away from everyone and tears start to fall. I'm so uneasy with Christian Grey being here but also another dark and warm unnamed emotion feels like it's brewing inside of me. I feel it deep in my core and I'm so confused. Mia told me her last name was Grayson. How did I miss that he's related to them? They don't look like each other at all. Oh wait, he was adopted, that's right. Okay that makes sense but it doesn't. Oh fuck it, I need to focus on this weddding. I have to avoid him at all costs, I don't want an HR mess. Kate comes up to Nani and I and kneels down to me. Great... the Spanish Inquisition is about to take over.

"What happened Steele?"

"Can we talk outside, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and I need my best friend." I give her a small smile.

A couple of minutes later Kate and I are outside in on the terrace and I tell her about the meeting with Christian and how him being at the wedding is making me nervous. I tell her the HR guidelines and the HR mantra. Truth is I feel something for him, but it's probably just infatuation and I don't want to be put in a situation that can get me fired. I need the money. Kate tells me I'm being ridiculous and that if Grey bothers me then she'll cut his balls off. God I love her. She's always saving my life. I instantly feel better. I'm just going to ignore him and act like he's not there, it's the only way I can get through this weekend. I can't let my fear of one person ruin this entire weekend. Between him and Vishaal I need to chill the fuck out.

It's almost 5:30 and dinner has been served, I've lost my appetite and I can see Christian is back at the bridal party table, I can feel his eyes on me. It feels like a hunter watching his prey. Can it be Monday already so all this shit can be over? I'm sitting at the center, barely able to eat but I need to otherwise I will die by 10pm tonight and I know this night is going to be a long one. I eat as best as I can promise myself to consistently nibble on the appetizers that will be passed throughout the evening. Thank god I have an aversion to alcohol so I can be safe against any embarrassing situations.

Around 6pm the guests are ushered outside to the terrace and garden below for a mini cocktail hour or sorts with a big bonfire to keep them occupied, it's just a quick 30 minute intermission while the room is turned over to transform it into a scene out of a Mughal emperor's court. Kate, Mia and I stay inside overseeing the process and dealing with any the last minute changes.

"Scooter and Kiran are going to look like royalty sitting on those thrones" Mia gushes and claps excitedly, she's soaking in every bit of this experience. It makes me smile. Kate, Mia and I really bonded on the Cabo trip and she's been over for movie night a few times and dance practices. I adore her.

The room looks amazing; it's completely transformed with candles, lush couches in jewel tones, carpets and floor cushions. With paper lanterns illuminated and as you look up the sky is changing colors you can see the stars through the glass roof. It's beautiful and everything I ever wanted for Kiran, a Queen deserves no less. Mia, Kate and I drag the dholak, and other small south Asian instruments to the middle of the floor, while we have a DJ as well for some of the choreographed and freestyle stuff. The night will start some of the mom's singing old indian wedding folk songs, followed by musical games and performances by my cousins. I'm on triple duty, keeping track of the program, being hostess and also singing. I will die but I have to do this. The night ends at 10pm for adults, and only the young crowd will head to the bridal party hacienda to either drink or dance practice till 1am. Then it all starts again tomorrow. I need to remember to drink water. I'm slowly getting overwhelmed. God, I need to just breathe.

_Just breathe Ana. You got this._

**CPOV:**

I'm outside with Elliot and Scooter we're talking about random stuff, I'm honestly too distracted, I just want to see how Ana is doing. She didn't look so good and barely ate her dinner. I feel shitty. I can't help but gaze out to the to the water, beyond the bonfire, as the begins to set. I get a lost for a bit and hear Ana's voice and she welcomes everyone back into the conservatory. We walk into a transformed space that's now transformed into an eastern oasis like dream. I see Ana smiling and hugging the bride. She looks so beautiful and happy. I do my best to stay out of her line of sight, I don't want to be the reason that face falls and that smile disappears.

I find a space to sit on one of couches with Elliot, everyone looks comfortable and Ana takes the mic and proceeds to introduce the program. Her energy is infectious, she has everyone eating out of the palm of her hand and hooked on every word she says. Not a single eye looking elsewhere, all eyes on my beautiful Ana. _My Ana?_ Where did that come from? Rein it in Grey.

"Welcome back everybody, how are we doing so far?" Everyone cheers and she laughs."Great! I'm glad to hear that. Okay so now we get to the fun part of the evening. How many of you have never been to an indian wedding before?" Most of Daniel's side of the wedding party raises their hands with some non-indian friends from the brides side. "Awesome, FRESH MEAT!" She laughs.

"A lot of people think that indian weddings are like Bollywood movies, just a whole lot of drama and music and you know what... they're not completely wrong. We'd rather sing and dance than go to therapy... but in all honesty, music is a huge part of the culture. South Asian music is incredibly layered. Music is a spiritual experience for us and the most beautiful songs can make you experience the full spectrum of human emotion... we've basically turned being emo into an art form." She giggles and continues on.

"This technically a chilled out Indian wedding. Most indian weddings are like music festivals. I'm talking 2 week mini event lead ups to the main 6 day events." Holy fuck, that sounds like a nightmare. I hear gasps from my side of the room. "Yeah... and here you were probably thinking three days was too much! Trust me... this is NOTHING."

"For this segment, we're going to give you a little taste of how our family celebrate weddings. We sing folk songs, we do choreographed dances and we play games. I'm going to start by setting the scene for the first song. This song is called 'Par Channa De' which means, 'Across the river Chenab'. The river Chenab originates in India and flows through Pakistan into the Arabian Sea. That's your geography lesson for the day." She laughs. "the song tells a story about two people named Sohni and Mahiwal who live on opposite sides of the river. Sohni is a potter who sells her clay pots in the market across the river where she meets and falls in love with Mahiwal and so begins their love story. However, Sohni's parents soon marry her off to the son of prominent family in their village against her will but Sohni decides to continue her love affair with Mahiwal... " The room is dead silent. "I know... it's like sanctity of marriage versus true love... for that I have two words... PRE NUP." The room erupts in roaring laughter.

"AANA! Behave." Kiran playfully chides.

"Oh come on... I had to make that joke." She giggles. "Okay so back to my amazing story telling skills... while Sohni is out there doing her thing, her sisters-in-law figure out what she's up to and they devise a plan to get their revenge for Sohni's betrayal. Now Sohni's method of crossing the river is by using a baked clay pot that sort of acts like a floating device to help her swim across. One day while Sohni's taking an afternoon nap, her sisters-in-law switch out her baked clay pot for an unbaked one. Later on that evening when Sohni gets ready to make the journey to see Mahiwal, she's met with a strong tide in the river and while crossing and her clay pot dissolves and breaks apart. Mahiwal sees her struggling and jumps in the river to try and save her but they both drown."

I hear a few boos in the room. "I know... such a damper... but it's okay, we have an open bar, a round of tequila shots and we can turn the party around real quick." She smirks and the room erupts in laughter again. "Just kidding, the open bar isn't free... we're charging you for the booze. You're at an Indian wedding... and Indian people are cheap so come Monday morning at check out you'll have a bar tab to pay for." She giggles. "I know, I'm so bad, like you're probably thinking what is this white girl in a sari doing making fun of Indian people... but it's all coming from a place of love... they took me in and while I make look like a white girl on the outside, I'm a judgmental Indian Aunty on the inside so I'll be watching you all and will hand you your report cards at the brunch on Monday." She laughs and I can't help but smile while the room reacts in kind to her. She's full of sass.

"Anyway, so we're going to get to singing this song. We have my cousins Ahad on tabla, Vishaal singing the part of the clay pot, Priya will be on guitar, Aashu will be on sitar, Kiran will sing the part of Sohni, and Karan will sing the part of Mahiwal towards the end with me describing the moment Mahiwal and Sohni meet in the river. We hope you enjoy what you hear."

We all clap and all the cousins takes their positions in the middle of the dance floor and I get a full view of Ana's face. Her demeanor has changed a bit. She's a little serious now.

_(Song: Coke Studio Season 9: Paar Chanaa De - Shilpa Rao & Noori)_

The song starts and everyone sings their part. They all have incredible voices. Ana sings backing vocals to Kiran. Towards the end when Karan starts to sing, we finally get to hear Ana's voice in its entirety. She hits notes that I have never heard singing with incredible control and range, her are eyes closed and her face is towards the sky. The intensity of her duet with Karan cuts through. They both sing one word over and over again and even thought I don't understand what they are saying her earlier description of what the song means starts to make sense and the emotion is translated perfectly. The urgency of emotion fills my chest and it's foreign, I don't quite know what to do with myself. They end the song and we all clap furiously. She opens her eyes and smiles sweetly.

"How we doing? Tequila shots any one?" She laughs and Elliot and Mia cheer the loudest. Fucking alcoholics. I can't help but chuckle.

She gets up from the middle of the room and moves off to the side to introduce the next song that all the older men and ladies and men will sing in celebration of the wedding. Kiran plays a small drum as they sing and it's an upbeat number where everyone claps.

The segment continues on with a insanely choreographed dance that Kiran leads with two of her cousins and conversation starts to flow while I go to get up another drink. I'm trying to pace myself, not that I'm a heavy drinker but I want to be alert and able to remember every moment from this weekend with Ana. I've never felt such a strong pull to someone and to be able to witness all these facets of her personality and be completely taken with her... I am feeling out of my depth. Miss Steele has me completely caught in her spell.

I finish getting a drink and start to notice a pattern, over the course of the entire evening multiple people have brought Ana a drink, mostly champagne and she's taken each and every single one, graciously thanking them but never seems to take a sip, only to place them down. She only drinks water or juices making. I wonder what that's about?

After the second choreographed dance, Ana takes the floor again to announce the last song for the segment before the dance floor opens.

"Ladies and gentleman, the song I'm about to sing means a lot to Kiran and I, we sang it so much when it first came out. It perfectly describes what I'm feeling tonight and how grateful I am to be a part of this family, this night and with you all. I do have to say it makes me just a tiny bit emotional so if I end up crying like a blubbering fool, feel free to tune me out. The song is Happy & Sad by Kacey Musgraves, I hope you are able to love and connect with it just as we did. My wonderful cousin Priya is going to help me out on the electric guitar here too. Give my baby cousin a round of applause please." She says with a giggle and we all clap but I can hear the sadness in her voice. Why is a beautiful girl like this so sad? She exudes happiness and warmth. How can she be sad.

She takes her place in the middle of the room and takes a deep breath shaking her head, no doubt to get rid of the nerves. The lights dim a little and the warmth of the candlelight and the twinkling lights hanging from the ceiling provide a gentle ambiance. We hear the soft notes of the guitar come through the speakers as Ana's voice begins to echo through the room and cocoons us all.

_It's not you, it's the glow of the party  
The way that you've got me lit up inside  
It's the song that they're playin', the words that you're sayin'  
It's never felt so right_

_And I'm the kind of person who starts getting kinda nervous  
When I'm having the time of my life_

_Is there a word for the way that I'm feeling tonight?  
Happy and sad at the same time  
You got me smiling with tears in my eyes  
I never felt so high  
No, I've never been this far off of the ground_

_And they say everything that goes up must come down  
But I don't wanna come down_

She sounds like an angel. I remember hearing the song before but it never resonated with me till this moment. She continues to sing, mostly looking up through the lights to the stars above, smiling through as through to try and stop herself from crying. She's standing in the middle of the room, just her voice and the guitar, it's pin drop silence and she we're all hanging on her every word.

_I don't mind at all, no, I'm used to fallin'  
I'm comfortable when the sky is grey_

She's happy when the sky is grey? Could she be happy with me I wonder? She starts to sing a little more with her eyes closed.

_But when everything is perfect, I start hidin'  
'Cause I know that rain is comin' my way, my way_

_'Cause I'm happy and sad at the same time  
You got me smilin' with tears in my eyes  
I never felt so high_

Her voice has cracked and tears start to fall uncontrollably as she opens her eyes, every fiber in my being wants to run up to her and hug her, tell her I'll keep her safe. I've never wanted to do something like this, what is she doing to me? I look around the room and my eyes land on Grace, she's crying and smiling, almost everyone is wiping tears off of their face. Carrick is holding Grace's hand and staring her with such adoration.

_No, I've never been this far off of the ground  
And they say everything that goes up, goes up must come down_

I feel a lump in my throat as I look back to Anastasia while she finishes the song.

_And I don't wanna come down  
No, I don't wanna come down_

A thunderous applause takes over the room and she wipes her face with shyly laughing and thanking everyone "I told y'all I'd be a crying mess at the end of this." She's instantly met by the bride who is also crying who embraces her, holding on to Ana for what feels like dear life. I look over and see Kate and Mia crying their eyes out. Ana is an enigma, I am almost afraid of what I'm starting to feel for her. How can a woman bring out so much emotion from human beings she doesn't even know? She is pure and kind. "Bro, isn't she so amazing? Damn." Elliot looks to me clocking my lost expression. I recover quickly "She has a lovely voice" I say stammering a bit. Elliot rolls his eyes thinking I don't know what he means but I know exactly what he means and what's more, I'm deathly afraid that he's into her and I don't know how to resolve that within myself.

The night continues on with games involving the bride and groom followed by the open dance floor. Ana does her best to drag everyone on to the floor and dance with them. She even tries to teach Grace and Carrick some Indian dance moves and they look like they have two left feet. It's fucking adorable to watch. Of course she's an effortless dancer, she just floats around, dancing with everyone, freestyle to all kinds of music, Indian, American, Latin etc. I want to dance with her but freestyle isn't my thing and I don't dance in front of people unless it's ballroom dancing or in this case if I was able to hold her close and grind into her. God I desperately want to place my hands on her hips and pull her into me as I trail her neck with kisses, I can already tell that she'd be perfect, responsive and willing to accept whatever affection I shower her body with._Affection? You don't do affection Grey, you only fuck, hard._

I need to figure out a way to talk to her. This wedding is going to be complicated. She's such a visible person and I can't just go up to her and ask her to talk alone. I certainly can't try and flirt with her in front of everyone, judging by this afternoon, she'd barely react to me. Maybe I could talk to Elliot but the fucker probably wants her too. Fuck. Mia? No, she has the subtlety of a police siren. Fucking weddings. I need to get her alone. How the fuck am I going to do that? Well that's a first. Christian Grey, multi-billionaire unable to get five minutes alone with a woman. Fucking pathetic.

* * *

**Authors note: **I'm working on trying to get a pinterest page up so I can accurately describe the fashion and eastern vibes to you guys. Let me know your thoughts! Thank you for your reviews. The drama starts in full force in the next chapter for sure.

A lot of you might have questions about why Ana never made the connection about Mia and Elliot and their parents in regards to Christian. That will be answered in future chapters. But for now the short answer is because of security reasons.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

songs in this chaper:

1) Coke Studio Season 9: Paar Chanaa De - Shilpa Rao & Noori

2) Kacey Musgraves - Happy & Sad


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you for your reviews in the last chapter. Hope you like this one. Fingers and toes crossed.

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**Chapter 4 – Baby let your body talk.**

_November 29th, 2019_

**CPOV: **

I check my watch and it's just after 9:45pm, the older crowd has been slowly seeping out to turn in for the night. The bridal party and other cousins hang back with the couple and are instructed to meet at the giant Hacienda by 10:30pm where majority of the bridal party is staying to continue celebrating as we retire for the night. I try to devise a plan to talk to Ana in this interim. I don't want her to be afraid or dismissive of me. _Can I be a normal guy?_ I silently wonder.

I see Ana helping her Nani from across the room into a wheelchair as she prepares to take her to room. I'm still sitting with Elliot when Mia and Kate have join us. Soon we're talking about all the prep they've done and how many songs Mia, Kate and Ana are dancing to, it's all wedding related. Ana starts to push the wheelchair, she stops a bit and leans in to her what her Nani saying and with a puzzled expression agrees and starts pushing the chair towards where we're sitting. Fuck, why is this so nerve-wracking. She stops just in front of us and kneels to floor by her side to the right and looks up to her. Kate takes Nani's hands and starts to speak.

"Nani it's so good to see you again, are you ready to dance on Sunday?" Nani smiles and says something in her hindi, Ana laughs out loud and replies back to her.

"Kate, she's saying she wishes she had your body so she could dance the night way. She also wishes you all the happiness in the world filled with unlimited success with beautiful babies." We all smile and chuckle.

Nani reaches forward and signals to Mia to lean in. She cups her face and kisses her forehead and says something and Ana's eyes soften.

"Mia, she says you're such a beauty and full of life. She's going to try and find you a nice boy apparently. Don't mind her, she does this a lot, she's been trying to find me a boy for years." Ana laughs and rolls her eyes.

Elliot the smooth fucker that he is takes Nani's right hand and plants a soft kiss on it. Nani blushes and giggles and says something with a sly smile.

Ana laughs out loud uncontrollably fall into Nani's lap. "Elliot, she says she's wondering where you were when she was younger and that this is another reason to want switch bodies with Kate."

"NANI YOU HUSSY!" Kate exclaims. And we all laugh. I find it so easy to laugh in her presence. I rarely find anything amusing but today has been a day of constant of revelations.

Nani looks to me and I'm nervous as fuck, I take her left hand and give it a little squeeze and smiles. She signals me to lean in a bit. She places her hand on my face and says something; I feel the warmth of her words and look into twinkling eyes as she sweetly smiles. Ana's expression changes and she looks to me with wonder. I feel so utterly exposed.

"Christian..." Ana starts and god I love how she says my name. "Nani says that you should laugh more and allow yourself to be happy." I nod and offer a small smile. Suddenly we're all quiet and sensing the shift in energy Ana quickly gets up and tells us she'll join us in a bit after dropping Nani off at her room.

I'm floored. What the fuck was that?

The longer she's gone the more uneasy I feel. I'm counting the seconds till she's back.

**APOV:**

I'm walking Nani back to her room, and we're talking about the entire night so far. I feel exhaustion start to creep up on me but I have to stay up till 1am. As I help Nani change out of her clothes and help her to bed, she takes my hand and asks me about Christian. I tell her he's my boss and it's a really bad idea. She smiles knowingly and tells me to give it a chance when the opportunity presents itself. I roll my eyes, _yeah right, no thank you Nani._

She tells me she can see that he loves me and that he is my future. LOVE? Um, no. Nani is off of her rocker, I literally met the guy this week. I need to get her meds reevaluated. I don't need these useless ideas in my head. Love doesn't exist. I mean, it does but I can't be distracted by stuff like this right now. I shake my head and smile at her telling her she's had too much fun for one night. I kiss her forehead and she says a prayer and wishes me well. As I'm about to leave the room she tells me to be careful and I know exactly what she means.

I exit and see Vishaal and his dad in the living room of the cottage. Vishaal gives me a look that sends fucking shivers down my spine and I turn to quickly leave. I walk as fast as I can to the Hacienda where I'm supposed to meet everyone. I walk in and see the entire bridal party ordering some food.

I realize I'm starving and I'm really tired. I slump on a couch next to Mia and Kate. And start to cozy into the corner like a ball as I look out the big floor to ceiling windows and see the moon shining over the dark forest. It looks so peaceful. I can feel my eyes slowly start to close when I feel a hand massage my hair and I smile and open my eyes to look up and see Vishaal sitting on the couch next to me and reaching over. I immediately bolt up and move away. I'm suddenly wide awake with dread coursing through my veins. I look to Kiran who's talking with the other bridesmaids and groomsmen about what to order, I call out to her and ask for tea, pancakes if it all possible for the kitchen to make them otherwise just fries and some sliders.

Once everyone has given their order, I trying my best to find some energy to be a good hostess but I'm so tapped out emotionally and Kate brings me out of my reverie.

"Pancakes? Are you okay?" She asks concerned. She knows pancakes are my food of choice when I'm sad or overwhelmed by something distressing.

"Just tired, I promise." I know she worries so I just lean in for a hug and rest my head on shoulder away from everyone and try my best not to cry. She's so gentle with me. She kisses my forehead and plays with my hair I'm so lucky to have her and my family in my life. The least I can do this weekend is to keep my depressive feelings at bay and push through.

Suddenly Kiran comes running towards me and I know she senses my change in mood, I sit up and smile and she pulls me up to dance. I start to laugh, she knows how much I love dancing. I spin around a bit and Kate and Mia join me as we dance to Lizzo's Good As Hell followed by Truth hurts. I instantly feel better. She's got all my favorite songs playing.

The Hacienda is huge and has an enormous common area for everyone to relax and lounge in. The center coffee tables have been moved and couches and chairs have been moved far back to flush with walls to create a makeshift dance floor. The lights are dim and upon our request the resort installed color changing lights that could help us set the ambiance of a club like setting for this evening. Kiran has it set to a mix of pinks and blues. Feels like we're in an underground lounge.

I see Kate break from our dance party drags a chair with the help of Elliot to the center of the room. I'm momentarily confused but ignore it and continue dancing with my cousin Aashu. Once the song finishes, Kiran asks me to sit in the chair. It's a weird ask and I feel everyone's eyes on me. I look around the see Christian to my right, sitting on the big couch, hand up to his face as he traces one finger over his lower lip and I feel it... deep inside me. No, look away Ana, LOOK AWAY, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM GREY but I cannot tear my eyes from him. He looks so good. Holy shit. He's wearing deep blue suit, with a cream shirt with the first two buttons undone and intense grey eyes staring a hole into me. Desire? I can feel my thighs press together and I shift in my seat. Could it be? That's impossible. I'm not even half as pretty as Kate or the any of the bridesmaids here. I turn away, I need to find myself and dismiss these thoughts. _Don't get ahead of yourself Ana. Stay in your lane._

I catch the end of Kiran's announcement.

"...you've worked so hard to make this wedding a dream come true for me so I thought I'd get you a little present. Something to take the edge off." She smiles and winks at me and I'm still confused.

The music starts and I recognize the song, it's from the Magic Mike soundtrack, and it blares through the sound system in the Hacienda.

_Pony - Ginuwine_

From the corner of my eye I see Elliot laughing and making his way to me slowly in beat with the song. OH GOD NO. PLEASE DON'T DO THIS. I'm so mortified.

**CPOV:**

I see Ana walk in and she can barely keep her eyes open. She smiles at anyone and everyone who comes up to her during her short walk to the empty space on the couch where Mia and Kate are sitting. She answers everyone's questions and finally when she has a moment to herself, she drops on to the couch and cozies herself into the corner and closes her eyes. She looks so peaceful and serene. I get the urge to walk up to her and kiss her forehead. _Another foreign feeling._

I see Vishaal come in shortly after and make a beeline for the chair next to where Ana is sleeping. He makes one of the kid cousins get up and plops himself down checking his phone. A little while later he leans and runs his hand through Ana's hair and she stirs, she looks up and immediately pulls away and says something to him. I can see her face is tense and she's pissed off. What the fuck is that about. What is going on between them?

In the last few hours, I've seen Ana experience every emotion. She's unable to hide what she feels in a given moment. Now, the exhaustion is starting to break her down slowly. I honestly want to beat the shit out of Vishaal. I can tell there is something pretty fucked up there but it's not like I can go and ask her what's wrong. Thankfully she has Kate and Kiran, they know her and know how to make her feel better. A part of me wishes I could be on that list. _More foreign feelings._

She slowly returns to her normal self. I can tell her loves to dance, she has a natural rhythm and she's able to close her eyes and get lost in herself. This song playing is definitely helping my imagination run wild.

_Show me what it is you need  
Show me what my eyes don't see  
Baby, I could let you breathe  
Baby, I could let you live  
Show me what you want from me  
Tell me and I'll make it real  
Handle my heart, I will  
Show me how you really feel_

_I just wanna lay you down  
I wanna let you know, baby, we don't  
We don't need words, let your body talk  
Baby, don't speak, let your body talk  
So much to say  
This is the only way to say it_

_We don't need words, let your body talk  
Baby, don't speak, let your body talk_

I want to close my eyes and get lost inside of her. She really knows how to move and I'm aching to touch her. I'm aching to see her move for me, what I wouldn't give for a private show. Almost certain she could me make come without even touching me as she danced naked in front of me. Great, now I need a cold fucking shower.

Kiran leads Ana to the chair Elliot and Kate have dragged to the middle of the room and makes her sit down. She uses her phone to add a little more light to the room. Ana's confused, biting her lip and looks around nervously and her eyes lock on me. She's stunned and her lips part and I know she's affected like me. I can't take my eyes of her, cheeks are the color of the most intense rose all of a sudden and her face glows, I could take her right now she is the epitome of desire.

She looks away to Kiran but remains confused. The music starts and I see Elliot get up and walk to her, she immediately realizes what's about to happen and retreats further into the couch. Squealing in embarrassment and covering her face, closing her eyes.

"NO! Don't you dare come near me Elliot." She yells at him laughing.

Elliot proceeds to give her the most over the top lap dance. Everyone is cheering him on and I have to laugh because Ana is having none of it. She pushes him away as she screams and laughs.

"Will someone get me some fucking hand sanitizer and bleach, I don't know where he's been." She squeals and tries her best to hide. I can't help but laugh. She's hilarious.

She turns around to climb into the corner of the chair; her face is beet red with embarrassment. Elliot pulls her hands from her face and runs it over his abs and Ana is pulling away with her eyes tightly shut. Elliot drops her hands and turns about to back his ass into her and she's laughing out loud and cursing everyone in the room. She turns again and tries to climb out of the chair at the back to escape and Elliot grabs her from the waist and swings her over in front of him and spins her around and she joins in and dances hand in hand with him. She's got the biggest smile and the rosiest cheeks, head thrown back and laughing with abandon. She looks so beautiful. I am so utterly green with envy. I can't stop smiling but I have this incredible longing for her as well.

Once the song is over, Elliot takes a bow and takes his seat next to me, everyone cheers and claps and Ana tries to quiet everyone down and goes on a rant still trying to control her laughter while doing her best not to smile.

"First of all... fuck you all for not coming to save me from that ordeal." She says as she turns around to point everyone still trying to recover but failing.

"Second... I love you but I will not forgive you." She whips over pointing to Kiran who is failing to keep a serious face. "Same goes for you too, Kate."

She look towards the last victim of her wrath. She locks in Elliot's position and points to him... I have full view of her beautiful face..."YOU SON OF BITCH! What the hell was that? That performance was abysmal. I expected far better." She fails to keep a serious face and erupts into a new fit of giggles. "OH COME ON!" Elliot bellows " you weren't even looking." He continues.

She looks him up and down. "Well whatever little I did see, I didn't find impressive. I need a fucking hazmat team to disinfect me" She hits back shaking her hands out. And I can't help but laugh, Elliot looks back at me with mirth, "fuck off Christian."

"That's a low blow Steele." Elliot feigns hurt.

She flips her hair over her shoulder and shrugs "That was the idea anyway, maybe Kate can teach you some new tricks?"

Kate and Elliot both scream from across the room in unison, "ANASTASIA!"

Ana laughs out loud "Payback's a bitch isn't it?" She sneers. "It's okay, you guys still love me." she says in the sweetest voice batting eyelashes. God she's the Queen of sass. That smart mouth, the things I'd love to do to it.

I see Elliot and Kate exchange shy looks towards each other. Oh thank fuck, they're into each other, I still have a chance with sweet, sweet Ana.

The food arrives and I see her nibble on a slider. Everyone keeps coming to her to talk to her for one thing or the other. Why can't they just leave her alone and let her eat? I can see her tea is getting cold as she tries to steal sips from it.

I see Elliot and Kate sneak off and thank a higher power. Mia comes and joins me as I go through my phone for messages and emails; she has a plate of fries and offers me some. I take a few and she starts to ask me how I'm doing.

"Are you having fun Christian? I've barely seen you laugh and today alone you've laughed so much and that too at a wedding, in fact, I'm surprised you're still here." She asks.

"I'm surprised myself. I guess I find all of this intriguing, the mixed culture aspect of it." I say, hoping that will suffice as a reason.

"Yeah, I'm sure that's it." She says mockingly.

Mia and I continue talking and I see her looking towards Ana direction. I think Ana senses our eyes on her and she looks across from the room and gives us a small wink and smile. I'd like to think it was for me too but I know it's only for Mia.

"Isn't Ana the sweetest human being?" Mia muses and then continues..."you know, she took such good care of me in Cabo, I'll never forget it. I'm sure everyone at work probably loves her too." I look at Mia with inquiring eyes.

"The dinner we had the first night, something didn't settle with my stomach and I was sick all night and next day, so she held my hair back as I threw up my guts and took care of me the entire time. She made me tea and rubbed my back and made sure I was okay throughout the entire trip, checking on me every now and then. She even missed some of the festivities with the bridal party that she planned and had looked forward to doing... all because she stayed me. She's like mom but with a brighter light if that was even possible to be as a human being." Mia says wistfully. I know how much she adores and loves Grace so a compliment like this to Ana isn't something to be taken lightly.

I put my arm around Mia and kiss her temple. She's the only human I show such affection to if ever. An unfamiliar emotion brews in my chest after Mia's story. It concerns me and I realize I desperately need to talk to Flynn but it's 11:15pm and he's probably sleeping. I need to get out of this room, it's getting too much.

I get up to walk out and see that Ana is no longer in the room. Everyone is slowly heading to their rooms and the music is low. Maybe Ana went to her room too? Fuck. Of course that's my luck. I guess I'll have to try talking to her tomorrow. I step out to text Flynn asking to set up an emergency call for tomorrow at 10am. I know it's a Saturday and it's his day off but for the amount money he charges me, he will take my fucking call.

Fuck it's really chilly out, I proceed to text Flynn.

CG: John, apologies for the late text but I need an emergency session. 10am tomorrow morning okay for a call?

Flynn: Sure. Everything okay?

CG: I don't know. I met someone this week and I need to make sense of what I'm feeling.

Flynn: Met someone? That's interesting.

I can tell he's smiling and enjoying this. Smug bastard.

CG: Yes. Shocking, I know. Tomorrow 10am, confirmed?

Flynn: Confirmed.

I look up and see Ana across the garden in front of the Hacienda sitting on a chaise lounge facing the fire. Vishaal walks up to her and she stands to leave but I can see Vishaal grab her wrist in a vice like grip and pull her close to him.

She pushes him away with all her might breaking free and yells at him to leave her to fuck alone. I'm almost near them when he tries to come at her again and I interject.

"Anastasia, is everything alright?" I ask, trying not to lose my temper.

Vishaal gives me a quick look and takes a step back. I can see Ana is visibly shaken but she quickly composes herself.

"Uhhh yes Mr. Grey, Vishaal was just leaving."

Vishaal gives her pissed look and says something in hindi and walks away. Ana's eyes move from the fire to her feet as she sits back on the chaise lounge and I start to hear faint sounds of glass pieces falling. She starts to pick at the broken bangles on her wrist, picking the small pieces that have lodged into her skin.

My heart breaks and all I want to do is just hold her and take care of her.

"May I sit with you? I ask.

She quietly nods. And I sit next to her. She smells of roses and... comfort. She's trying her best not to cry but every now and then a tear escapes. I offer her a handkerchief and she takes it.

We sit quietly like this for a while and stare at the fire. Finally she moves to speak.

"Thank you for stepping in Mr. Grey" she says with a small voice.

"Please, call me Christian. May I ask what that was about? You don't seem comfortable around him."

"Nothing, he's just an asshole. Tries to bully everyone." She says with disgust but I know there's more the story. I won't push her until she wants to volunteer more information. She shivers a bit and I take of my jacket and place it on her shoulders. She sinks into it a little and closes her eyes.

I see her run her finger over the band-aid inside her left palm where cleaned her cut back at GEH. I place my hand in hers. They're so soft and fit mine perfectly.

"I'm sorry about that." I say. She doesn't move to pull away but instead offers a small smile.

"It's okay, it happens sometimes." Her voice is barely a whisper.

We sit like this a little more and she opens up a little.

"When stuff like this happens it makes it hard to be with all of them. They are the only family I have, I can't let one person ruin all the good I have with everyone else but I miss my dad, he was the only one who made me feel safe."

I want to take her in my arms and kiss her fears away. I want to take care of her so badly and I'm at all loss for words. I don't understand where these feelings are coming from.

"I'm so sorry." It's all I can manage to say. She closes her eyes and tries to breathe and control her tears.

I realize I have to get her out of this mindset.

"Your Nani is a really wise woman." I say. She looks to me and smiles with her beautiful tear stained face.

"She is isn't she? God I love her, she keeps me going." She says with such adoration as she wipes her face. I want to know so much more so I try to keep the conversation going.

"I have a question but I'm not sure how to ask it in regards to your family." I ask carefully.

She lets out a giggle. "You're wondering what is a white girl doing prancing around south Asians like she owns the place?" Oh thank god she gets it. I've been wondering all God damn day and it makes no sense. I chuckle and nod.

"Okay so it's a long story, you might want to brace yourself." She warns.

I have to laugh, "Thank you for the warning Anastasia, I'm bracing for impact."

"Ana, just Ana." She says softly. I smile and nod.

"Okay so, my real mother is Carla, she was very young when she had me but my biological father died before my birth and she married Raymond Steele when I was 2, who adopted me and became the only father I knew. He took care of me and raised me. He died when I was 17 and I miss him every day. My mom unfortunately can't stay in a relationship for too long so she and Ray broke up when I was about 7 and continued to get married a few times after that. I'm not close to my mom. Ray married Nita, and Nita took me and embraced me as her own. Her extended family did the same. I call Nita mama, as far as I know she is my mother. They all love me and care for me. Kiran's mom Alia Khala is Nita's sister. Nita's mom who I call Nani also took me under her wing and taught me everything about the culture and the language. I know how weird it looks, this random white girl wearing saris and speaking hindi/urdu and dancing to Bollywood songs but I swear it feels so real to me, like it's a part of my DNA. I don't share an ounce of blood with them but we have an undeniable bond. They mean everything to me."

I take a moment to process the information and she giggles, "see I told you it was a long story."

"Thank you for telling me. They all seem so wonderful and they cherish you." I smile.

She laughs a little "it's only because I'm so white and glow in the dark. It's a running joke in the family."

I let out a laugh too. She's so precious. Mia was right I don't think I've laughed like this and that too this many times in such a short span.

I can tell she's starting to feel a little better, she sits up a little straighter and she's no longer crying. She's still holding my hand, that's a good sign.

She places her right hand on mine and turns to me smiling... and it's sensory overload. I feel like my brain has shut off and my heart is beating a million beats a minute.

"Are you having fun so far? How is your room, did you eat, please let me know if you need anything. I know it's crazy with the multiple day program and participation but it's honestly a lot of fun once you're a part of it." I feel so cherished; she really does care about everyone.

"Everything's great so far. It's definitely an experience, I've never been a part of an Indian wedding." She laughs loudly and I feel as it's echoing through the valley beyond us.

"Yes, it's definitely an all consuming experience." she giggles. That sound gives me life.

We end up talking for what seems like hours, from our families to my time at Harvard and how I started GEH, her hands remain in mine, she turns her body towards me in the process looking me in the eye as we talk, sometimes her hands leave me as she talks animatedly about her college days, her friendship with Kate and tells me everything about the Cabo trip and all the stupid shit Elliot did that has her in fits of laughter. I tell her about the time when Elliot and I were little and how I'd beat the shit out of him, she's enjoys all the stories, it's so easy to talk to her and every now and then her hands return to mine and I swear every time I hold her hand again it feels like coming home.

I start to notice her energy is slowly dipping again as she starts to yawn now and then but still doing her best to be present.

"Miss Steele it seems you've had a really long day."

Ana replies yawning and smiling "You have no idea Mr. Grey, I've been up since 3:30am and had a 6 hour flight situation with delays plus all this hosting business, my brain is shutting down I'm afraid."

"Come, I'll walk you to your room. Are you back at the Hacienda with the bridal party?"

"Oh no, I'm on the other side, up that path to the left, Kiran got me my own cottage as a thank you gift given my crazy schedule with everything. I knew I wasn't going to get a wink of sleep if I stayed with the bridal party at the Hacienda."

_Oh the possibilities_.

_Keep it in your pants Grey, don't overplay your hand,_ I try to remind myself.

We walk in silence, her hand in mine as she leads me up the path to her cottage. It's a short walk illuminated by moonlight and it's dare I say, romantic?

We get to her front door and I realize I'm nervous. What the fuck, I feel like I'm a schoolboy on prom night or some shit. _I don't do... nervous._

"Thank you for walking me to my door Mr. Grey." She says softly with a smile, her face bathed in moonlight and her eyes sparkle. Her breathing has changed, her cheeks are flushed and lips parted.

"I just wanted to make sure you're safe, Miss Steele." I lean in whispering back.

She takes a small step back leaning against her door, holding my gaze with a smile with her head cocked to one side "how very noble of you?" she says sweetly.

I step in further closing in, leaning into her face hovering over lips, I feel like I can hear the blood rushing through her, the heat emanating from her skin. "Oh Miss Steele I'm far from noble."

"I beg to differ Mr. Grey." She's almost out of breath. I snake one arm around her waist and cup her face with the other never breaking eye contact. As I pull her close and flush her to my body, She gasps and lets out a small moan closing her eyes and biting her lip.

"Please stop biting that lip because I'm aching to convince you otherwise, Miss Steele."

Her eyes flutter open and as soon as she releases her lip I catch it within my teeth. She closes her eyes again and moans. I feel it travel down my body with my cock begging for her.

* * *

**Authors note:** And so the drama and the romance begins. Everyone here has been so kind with the reviews so far. Makes me want to post all 22 chapters at once but I have to pace myself. Let me know if you have any questions. I hope you all check out the music too since it really informs the mood.

**Pinterest: **www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

Playlist:

Truth Hurts - Lizzo

Good As Hell - Lizzo

Body Talk - Majid Jordan

_Pony - Ginuwine_


	5. Chapter 5

It's time for some lemonade.

* * *

**Chapter 5 – Moonlight**

_November 30th, 2019_

**CPOV**

I kiss her slowly, her lips part further and our tongues dance, she lets me explore her, take what I need. I can tell she's inexperienced but for some reason it thrills me. _The things I could teach you Miss Steele_. What fun we could have. She's completely mine in this moment. She tastes of mint and oranges, she smells like rose petals while her hair soft as silk. Where has she been all this time because I feel like I've not been alive till now. She moves her hands to my face and then suddenly her arm is around my neck with the other hand in my hair and she clings to me for life.

I break the kiss to come up for air and she takes a few seconds to open her eyes, I'm holding on to her, her knees weak and her blue eyes are full of fire. "Kiss me again." she breathes. I take her hands from behind my neck and raise them above her head and hold her wrists with one hand and hold her face with the either as I stare into her eyes, she gasps as I attack her mouth. Her response is a joy to feel. Her moaning gets a little louder as I trail kisses from her jaw to her neck tasting her. _You have no idea about the things I have planned for you tonight, Miss Steele._

"Christian! I need to open the door..." she pants, and I release her and spin around immediately pulling her hips into me as her back hits my chest and she let's out another gasp as she feels my erection grind into her. I lean into her and bite her earlobe and she mewls, desperately looking for her pocket through the folds of fabric of her sari. She finally gets the key card out to unlock the door and lead us in.

Once we're inside, she leads me to the bedroom. I take my jacket off of her and throw it on the chair in the far corner. "Could you unzip my blouse?" she asks sweetly and I help her out of it. Underneath she's wearing a beautiful white lace bra, she shimmies out of her wrapped sari and it falls to the floor as a heap of fabric and steps out of the tripping hazard. She stands before me, hair falling around her breasts, blood red lips and flushed cheeks. She goes to remove the bangles from both of her hands and the choker, she's so gentle in everything she does. As she turns around to place them on the side table my eyes fall to her lower back that show a huge scar. Surgery?

I see another scar at the back of her left thigh. My beautiful Ana, scarred just like me. I get momentarily distracted and my eyes fall to the floor. She's still in heels as she walks back up to me. Her hands reach up to face and I look to her, she eyes are soft and she has the sweetest smile and she pulls me to her. I embrace her, a bone crushing hug as I invade her mouth. I want to protect her forever, I am struggling with all these feelings and she feels like balm. She breaks the kiss, her hands still holding my face.

"Christian."

"Ana."

"Please be gentle with me." Her voice cracks slightly.

I look at her for a moment. _Gentle? I don't do gentle_. I... I...

I had a completely different idea of how this night was going to go but I feel rush of emotion as I look back on the day she's had. I don't want to overwhelm her, I've never done this. I have no idea what I'm doing. I have to make this up as I go. Sex has always just been a means to an end for me. Just cold hard fuck to release the pent up aggression and then I move on to the next one. But here I am, being... _gentle._

I look into her eyes; nod and lean in to kiss her. Slow, taking my time.

She walks us walk to the bed and I lay her down, she kicks her heels off and I hover over her still dressed, she places her hands around my face and looks into my eyes as her she wraps her leg around me and we find a rhythm. She goes to unbutton my shirt and I stop her, fear paralyzes me. She sees the look and my eyes and drops her hands.

"Is everything okay?" She asks with a small voice.

"Yeah it's fine, I just don't like to be touched." She looks confused. I continue "My chest, please don't touch my chest. My arms, neck and lower back is fine but not my chest and upper back." I realize I sound panicked.

"Okay, I won't touch you, I promise." I believe her and she raises her hands again, tentatively asking if it's okay to proceed. I close my eyes and nod. I'm unable to breathe until she reaches the last button. She doesn't push my shirt off; she leaves it on, as if to keep me comfortable and protected. I let out a breath and she pulls me to her for a hug. I rest my face in the crook of her neck, kissing her, and she whispers in my ear "I'm sorry." I feel another rush of emotion within me and I need to distract myself.

I slide down, kissing her from her neck and bringing my attention to her breasts. They are a sight for sore eyes. Her nipples struggling to escape the lace, I pull the lace cups down from her breasts and take them in my mouth, sucking and biting her. She calls out my name like a song, I continue and use my hands to explore her body and her skin is perfect, soft and supple, I can't wait to devour it. My fingers make my way and I find her panties soaking wet. I bring my face down to inhale her scent and she jumps up, eyes locked with mine, without breaking eye contact I take off her panties and trail kisses along her leg up to her thigh and then start again with the other leg. She's so ready. I can tell she's so close and she's almost begging for release as I run my tongue so achingly slow along her clit.

"You have no idea how pleased I am to see you so wet and ready for me Ana."

"Christian, please..." she begs, slightly arching her back as soon as I insert my middle finger into her. She's a goddess and I endeavor to worship every inch of her. I drink her up and she tastes fucking amazing. I wasn't always keen on going down on my subs and rarely ever did but Ana... Ana is something else. I could stay here for life and it still wouldn't be enough. My face is happily buried between her legs and I reach up with one hand to play and knead her breasts, she's so responsive and vocal, it's like a chorus. Her hands are in my hair as she finds a rhythm moving her hips as I suck her, bite her and use my fingers to pleasure her, she's so close I can feel her legs tense up and she's about to orgasm any second.

"Let go baby, let go."

"Christian." She screams and comes gloriously, singing my name.

As she comes down from her high, I slide up between her legs, kissing her as I go towards and hold her face and she opens her eyes slowly, she looks so beautiful with a shy smile. I can't believe she's all mine right now, I kiss her and she holds on to me for life, locking both legs over me, trying create friction against me.

I break the kiss "baby, are you on the pill?" I ask realizing the clear oversight on my part since I don't have condoms. I'm so out of control here, I'm failing. Only Ana can do this to me.

She giggles and responds in the affirmative. I smile and continue to get lost in her mouth, kissing her, tasting her as we continue to explore each other all while the bulge in my pants gets fucking uncomfortable.

It's as if she reads my mind and reaches down to undo my fly and reaches through my boxes to run her hand along my shaft.

"Fuck, Ana baby that feels so fucking good." I moan into her mouth. She moans back in appreciation. Fuck she's a siren. She works to push off my pants and boxers with her feet over my legs. I feel my dick twitch further as it comes into contact with her clit. I push my hips into her and she gasps.

"Christian please... please..." she begs.

"Tell me what you want, baby." as I lick her lips and bite them.

"I want you...I want you Christian." She says out of breath.

"I want you too baby, you're mine." I moan into her mouth as I take over and we're all tongues.

"Yes... all yours... please."

I look into her eyes, and she looks up to me with an equally intense gaze as I position myself and enter her slowly, _fuck she's tight_ and it feels glorious. "Holy fuck baby, you're so tight... fuckkk." Inch by inch as I enter her she slowly closes her eyes, her lips part, gasping and she's out of breath and her body slightly arches off of the bed. It's almost as if she's floating and she takes in the sensations.

"Open your eyes baby I want to see you." I urge her.

We stare into each other's eyes, I get lost in the glimmering blue sapphires that look back up at me. I pick up the pace and thrust into her, over and over again moving one hand down to play with her clit. She moans closing her eyes... "christian... ahhhh" she says over and over again with each thrust and soon she finds her sweet release screaming a garbled version name as I cover her mouth with my own absorbing her cries.

Just a few hard thrusts after, I too find my own, "Ana... Ana..." as I pour myself into her completely.

I roll off of her and we lie side-by-side, breathing ragged, staring up to the ceiling through the skylight as the moonlight pours through. I feel so incredibly sated unlike ever before.

As our breathing returns to normal a small giggle erupts from her.

"Now that Mr. Grey... was definitely an HR violation. How ignoble of you?"

I laugh out loud and she follows too, we end up in a laughing fit. As we calm down, I look to her again.

"Ignoble?"

"Yes, the opposite of noble?"

"How do you even know that word, did you read the dictionary for fun when you were a kid?"

"As a matter of fact I did." She giggles.

"Nerd." I sneer.

"At least I know more words than you" she retorts.

I turn over on to her and attack her face and mouth with wet sloppy kisses and she giggles trying to fight me off.

"That smart mouth of yours Miss Steele... is such a troublemaker." I smirk.

"Exactly, you better watch yourself Mr. Grey." She snaps back and giggles.

I suddenly feel like I have a piece of her that's finally just mine and only mine from this weekend.

I start to get up from the bed. "Are you leaving?" She asks and I sense the panic in her voice.

I lie back down on her and cup her face with my hands caressing her cheek as I gaze into her eyes. She has the most hypnotizing blue eyes. They're addictive.

"No baby, I was going to go and prep a bath for us to get cleaned up before bed. I know you have another busy day tomorrow and I wanted to take care of you." _I always want to take care of you_. Holy fuck, Grey. What is happening? She gives me a shy smile and lifts her face up to kiss me. When I think it's going to just be a quick kiss, she goes in to deepen it and it's feels like getting high, I get sucked in and my cock is instantly hard again as I and move on top of her. She immediately opens up her legs and moves her hands down to my ass urging me on and moaning into my mouth. "Again, Mr. Grey." She says in between kisses.

She's going to unman me. She's completely in control and I feel so out of place yet safe here with her. I enter her and start to move. She moves her hands back up to my face and kisses me, taking everything I have to offer.

"Christian, harder... again... ,harder" she moans and she bites my bottom lip. Fuck she's so hot. I take her hands and place them above her head and she's completely cocooned by me. Before I move again I look into her eyes.

"Tell me you want me baby." I lick her lips.

"Christian, I want you... I want you to fuck me... please..." she demands.

"Ask and you shall receive Ms. Steele." With that I slam into her and she screams in pleasure. God she's so tight, feeling her this way could never get old.

"Oh god yes, again." I pound into her with a punishing rhythm as we both reach our release.

We come together and it's a holy experience that I never want to end.

**APOV**

Oh god. I've never knew I could feel this way. Christian is still on top of me, his face in my breasts as he nuzzles them and it tickles. I squirm and he looks up and pins me with his intense stormy stare.

"Something amusing you Miss Steele?" he asks as he bites my right breast not breaking eye contact.

"No Mr. Grey." I answer desperately trying not to laugh and moan at the same time.

"Good. I'm going to go draw us a bath. There is a bathtub with this suite right?"

"Yes there is, my body wash is on the counter I think." He gets off the bed and heads to the bathroom, taking his shirt off and I'm rewarded with quite the show.

"Hot damn, that's quite an ass Mr. Grey." I catcall. He laughs out loud and starts a bath.

I feel relaxed and sore but it's a delicious kind of sore. The pain from that wasn't so bad or maybe I just have a higher threshold now given what I've been through. _Stop it Steele, don't go there. Move on, you're in a better place now. With someone who was gentle with you, focus on the now_... I can only imagine I look like the joker from batman with my faded red lipstick but I can't focus on that. I need to pick up all the stuff and clean up a bit before my OCD kills me. I take off my bra and fish my phone out from my sari petticoat to check for messages. I see a shit ton of texts from Kiran, Kate and Mia and the resort event coordinator. I can't deal with any of them right now. I see some texts from Vishaal and I delete them without reading. _Fuck off, asshole_. I set my phone to charge and make sure my alarm is set for 7:30am which is so cruel given that I'll probably not be able to sleep till 4am. It's 3:11 am, I wonder how long this bath will take, I wonder if we'll get distracted again I think as I touch my lips. His kisses are so intoxicating. I've never been kissed before... and I don't think I ever want to be kissed by anyone else but him ever.

I'm brought out of my reverie as I feel arm circle my waist and he leaves a trail of kisses from my shoulder up to my ear. My body starts to hum again. I almost drop my phone and I feel wet again. How does he do that? I'm in so much trouble.

"Why do you have to wake up early tomorrow?" he asks continuing his sensual assault.

"I have to make sure the breakfast area is up to standard and go over some last minute stuff for the wedding in the afternoon." I feel him get hard behind me and my heads starts to spin. _Again?_

"You do too much baby. Come let me give you a bath." I feel so treasured right now. He leads me to the bathtub and it looks like heaven, the light are dim and the moonlight pours through the skylight over the tub. I quickly tie my hair up and look in the mirror to see my lipstick still intact and it's a miracle.

He sits in first and gives me his hand helping me step in in as I sit between his legs and lean my back on to him. This not only looks but feels like heaven too. I begin to relax immediately as he runs his hands massaging my body and I feel sleepy as I lay my head on his shoulder. A couple of minutes later he cups my face with one hand and turns my face to him, my eyes are barely open but he's smiling at me, I'm sure my answering smile makes me look like I'm high on drugs but he leans down to kiss me. And all consuming kiss as if he's communicating all that he is unable to say with words. He breaks the kiss and looks back at me, his expression floors me and I'm overcome with emotion. I can't cry, not right now, I don't want to say something that I can't take back so I reach up to give him a small kiss with a smile and say thank you as I turn my face back to face the front of the tub and play with the water.

"Why are you thanking me Ana?" he asks, his voice strained. He's affected too.

"For taking care of me. You were so sweet to me at GEH and then today as well when I was outside by the fire and then when we came back to the room."

"You honestly bring it out of me." He confesses. "I actually thought you were terrified of me or something." He continues.

"I was."

"What changed?"

"When you held my hand by the fire. I really needed that. I can't explain it right now but I felt safe for the first time in a really long time." My voice cracks.

He cups my face again and makes me face him, my eyes full of tears. Fuck. _Get it together Steele._ I can't tell him. _Please don't make me tell you. Please. _

_I'm a walking tradegy._

"Tell me what's happening Ana, there's something bothering you, I can feel it." He looks so worried. _Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. You won't even have to see me again when we're back in Seattle, I promise._

"I can't talk about it right now because if I do I'll never be able to stop crying and this wedding is really important. I need to keep my emotions in check because there's a lot that's about to happen. Maybe when it's all over and I've had a goodnight's sleep we can talk about it." I offer. There, that should suffice, till the wedding is over and I never had to run into him again.

"Okay baby... do you want to go to bed?"

"Yes please, can we?" He nods with a smile.

We get ourselves dried off and settle into the resort robes. Christian slips into his boxers and gets the bed ready while I search for an oversized t-shirt in my luggage along with a pair of panties and get my dress options out for brunch tomorrow and hang them. I climb into bed and I can barely keep my eyes open. I lie down and he spoons me, kissing my neck. So this is how it feels... this is how it's suppose to be? My mind almost spirals back to that painful morning when his voice brings me back to earth and the safety of his arms.

"You should be draped in silk Anastasia." I giggle and he turns my face to him and gives me a slow and deep kiss. I almost lose myself. He breaks the kiss and gives me that intense look again. Those dark and stormy eyes, willing me to tell him everything. _Please, stop_. I quickly turn away.

"We're racking up the HR violations Mr. Grey." I laugh and try to distract.

He chuckles and gives me a small kiss on my cheek and I savor the contact. "Give that smart mouth a rest Ms. Steele."

I smile and slowly drift away in the safety of his arms thinking of a favorite song,

_'Cause we're collectin' moments  
Tattoos on my mind  
I ain't even think of leaving sometimes  
I ain't even think of letting go  
Not even sometimes_

**CPOV**

_It's bright and warm. I feel the cool breeze on my face and I hear laughter and see chestnut curls cover my eyes. I feel the sand on my feet and hear the sound of waves. I feel her soft hands in mine and kiss them. Dance with me? She smiles. Kiss me again, she sings '__You'll remember me when the west wind moves upon the fields of barley'._ _Don't leave me I say. I'm here, I'll always be here for you, she kisses me and rests her head on my chest. It doesn't burn. It doesn't burn anymore. I'm safe._

My eyes open immediately. I take stock of my surroundings. It's still relatively dark. I look in front of me and Ana is facing me, curled up rest on my arm. Her face is so beautiful and peaceful as she sleeps. She begins to stir a bit and I hear her humming. I can't help but smile, she sings in her sleep. Suddenly her brow furrows and she looks like she is having a bad dream.

"No. Please... no." she pleads. I kiss her lips and tell her I'm here, stroking her cheek. She relaxes a bit but her brow is still furrowed. She's still lost in sleep. I stare at her as my mind races to find it's own peace.

I didn't have a nightmare. That was... a dream. I've never had a dream that didn't end in a nightmare. That didn't end in everything turning into a dark, rotten mess.

_What are you doing to me Ana? _

I somehow fall asleep looking at her again.

* * *

**Authors note:** Their first time together deserved it's own chapter with no external drama. That all can wait for the next chapters.

Music:

_Kid Wonder - Allie X_

_Sometimes - Ariana Grande_

_Fields of Gold - Eva Cassidy._

A huge thank you to those who left reviews. Some of the guest reviews, I wish you had account so I can reply to you by PM. One user said they were Indian too! Hi! I hope I don't mess up, feel free to yell at me if I do, in fact I have some questions since I'm a little rusty on the traditions. haha.

Sofia: thank you for your lovely comments.

Misssee: Taylor and Gail are on vacation but rest assured he's getting updates. I'm glad you liked my version of Ana. She's so accomplished in her own way. You'll see her strength come through in the future chapters. I quite liked the idea of Christian having his hands tied (lol!) kid has a lot of learning to do.

FSOGFanFictionAddiction: THANK YOU so much for the encouragement 3


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 – I'm your summer girl.

_November 30__th__, 2019_

**CPOV**

I hear the faint sound of singing and humming. I open my eyes a bit and the room is filled with sunlight. I'm lying on my stomach and with one open eye I see Ana in the bathroom, organizing her things and unpacking her luggage to hang her clothes in the walk-in closet. She's wearing jeans and a faded t-shirt and after a while starts putting her hair up in a ponytail. She continues to apply a little makeup, singing softly as the sound echoes around the bathroom, she sounds so angelic. For a moment I wonder what it would be like to wake up to this everyday.

I feel like my world is in slow motion and as I continue to watch and hear her.

_When you come home I feel the earth start to change  
I am alive, I am alive, I am in love with this place  
I love it most how you whisper my name  
And so I catch it in a bottle for my lonelier days_

_Our moment slows inside the palm of your hand  
Oh I could stay like this forever or as long as we can  
And in the morning I pour a warm cup of tea  
And hope you'll stay a little longer, stay a lifetime with me_

As I take in the gravity of her words, I know it's just a song but I feel a sense of panic as a lump forms in my throat. I close my eyes tightly shut and turn my face to the other side. Fuck, fuck... fuck. What the fuck am I doing here? I am giving her the wrong idea and am I fooling myself right now for wanting something that is the very anti-thesis of who I am. I am so conflicted. Thank god for the call with Flynn this morning. Just as try to make sense of all these crazy thoughts, I feel Ana's hand caress mine. I slowly turn my body towards her and open my eyes as if I just woke up, she looks breath taking as she smiles.

"Good Morning Mr. Grey" she sings softly.

"It definitely is a good morning, Miss Steele." I smile back and she giggles. "What time is it?"

"It's just after 8 or so, I have to go and check in with the resort kitchen and event coordinator for the ceremony in the afternoon and to make sure the breakfast is good to go for everyone else... will you be okay here for a bit without me? I'll be back in 30 minutes." She says.

"Sure, I'll just sleep a bit more." I lie. I'm probably going to have a full meltdown and call Flynn immediately.

"Good, you do that." She kisses my cheek and with that she walks out.

I hear the door shut and get up. Fuck me. What am I doing? I remember last night and how good it was but then also all those feelings come back. _Overwhelming feelings_. _Foreign feelings._ When I looked into her eyes as we sat in the tub, time stood still. What the hell is happening to me?

I get done with the bathroom and grab my cell to call Sawyer and tell him to bring me a change of clothes from my room and to tell anyone who asks that I'm working out in the gym and spending some time in one of the resort conference rooms to get some work done.

Sawyer brings by my entire luggage instead. _Over-efficient bastard_. I get in the shower and by the time I'm done, I hear Ana open the door. I walk out in jeans sans shirt, drying my hair as Ana walks into the room looking for me and she freezes her mouth drops open a bit. I smile and walk to her slowly, and lift her face to me with my index finger "Like what you see Miss Steele?" She turns beet red and giggles. I give her a quick kiss and release her.

She tries to recover and fix her hair a bit to distract herself. "I was going to bring you breakfast in bed" she announces as I pick up my shirt to wear it.

"I can get back in bed if you'd like?" I offer and she shakes her head.

"Too late, you're all dressed now, I've set it on the coffee table in the next room." She tells me.

We walk out of the bedroom and sit on the couch and I see she's brought an assortment of things for me. Pancakes with berry compote, bacon, eggs, cut fruit, a few pastries, coffee and tea in front of us.

"How did you carry all this? I thought breakfast was at 10am with everyone" I ask a little stunned.

"Haven't you heard, I've got the place wired, Grey. The entire staff is at my beck and call." She teases playfully "I bonded with the chef and management during the planning process so they've got my back. They asked me what I wanted and I told them to surprise me. I didn't know how you liked your coffee so I asked for both milk and cream with sugar on the side and they had someone deliver it to my room.. but please let me know if you'd like anything else... I'll call up the kitchen and ha..."

I feel a surge of feelings and I do the only thing that makes sense to me. I grab her face and kiss her, interrupting her. I consume her and hold close to me, crushing her to me as she moans. She tastes of sweet berries. I'm intoxicated as she lets me invade her mouth, my tongue desperately taking all that I need from her. I don't know how long I take but when I'm done and break the kiss, pulling back from her face, it takes her a couple of seconds to open her eyes and she's in a daze as she looks back into mine. I hold her stare and she's lost. I can tell.

"Are you ready to eat, baby? I ask, my thumb playing with her bottom lip.

"uhhh... umm... I ... yes" she tries to find her words.

"Thank you for bringing all this, you didn't have to." I release her as I kiss her cheek.

She smiles shyly. "It's going to be a really busy day and I don't know how it will all go so I wanted to just spend a little more time with you before I disappear into the wedding festivities."

"When will I see you again?" I ask trying to hide the desperation in my voice.

She pulls out her phone to check the time. It's 8:45am. She tells me she has until 9:30 with me then she has to go play hostess during the breakfast welcome and then and get her hair and makeup done for the wedding this afternoon so I probably won't see her till the wedding ceremony.

Our conversation flows and it's a joy to see her eat. She's starving as she devours her pancakes. I try to take some and she refuses to share. "Uh, no... I'm starving so these are all mine. Focus on your omelette there." She giggles. She's so playful and sweet. We relax on the couch as she drinks her tea and I sip on my coffee. She goes quiet and I can tell she has something on her mind.

Before I can ask her she looks at me and I'm trapped by her gaze.

"Christian, I don't know what last night meant and I don't want to put any pressure on both of us to discuss it right now. All I ask is that you not act familiar with me in front of everyone, especially the family. I've told them all you're my boss and I will maintain a distance with you as long as we're in public. I hope you can understand."

To say I'm floored would be an understatement. I'm at a loss of words. Dare I say I'm a little offended and impressed at the same time?

"May I ask why?" the words escape me before I can stop myself and I realize I sound offended.

Her expression changes and I can tell she's regretting what she just said.

"It's complicated and a discussion like that requires time and my full attention both of which are a scarcity for me right now." She's full of sadness. "Please don't be mad at me." She pleads and she looks at me again with her beautiful eyes.

"I'm not mad Ana. I understand. I too am a very private man and I can understand the implications of certain situations. I don't want to make this weekend any harder than it is on you." I sa y truthfully.

She puts her teacup down and crawls into my lap and straddles me bringing her hands to my face. She holds my gaze and kisses me with her arms around my neck and hands in my hair.

"Thank you, Christian. I really appreciate this." She lays her head on my shoulder and I hold her feeling feel her heartbeat against my chest. Every moment with her is so meaningful.

A couple of minutes later she looks up and kisses me again.

"I have to change for the welcome breakfast, help me pick a dress?" I smile and agree.

We walk into the walk-in closet in the bathroom and she pulls out two dress options and styles them against herself asking which one she should wear. It's between an emerald green silk dress that reaches her ankles and has bows in the front or a structured pale blue dress in almost the same length. She'd look like a knock out in either one but I tell her I can't decide secretly hoping she picks the green because deserves to be adorned in silk only.

She holds them up both and looks in the bathroom mirror and settles on the green. Thank god.

"God Bless Rent the Runway."

"What's that?"

"Oh sorry, it's a service that allows you to rent designer dresses for an event. Cause there is no way in hell I can afford to buy a $1200 dress."

A part of me wants to call Caroline Acton immediately and have the best of the best delivered to her house.

I turn to exit and give her some privacy but she asks me to stay saying she'll be done in 2 minutes. I'm aching to touch her again. I'm leaning on the counter with the sinks and she walks across from me into the walk-in closet and starts to change into the dress all while humming and singing again.

_Lightning in your eyes, you can't speak  
Falling from the sky, down to me  
I see it in your face, I'm relief  
I'm your summer girl_

I see her scars and I'm dying to know what happened but it may be to heavy a conversation for this moment. She turns and walks back out to where I am and stands against the counter to fix her make up and apply some eyeliner and mascara.

_I'm your summer girl  
I'm your summer girl_

"You're always singing or humming." I observe. She suddenly stops and gets a little nervous. "Don't stop, I love hearing you sing." I say softly.

She looks down and smiles "It's the only habit of mine that I like if that makes sense." She confesses.

"What do you mean?"

"There was a time in my life when it got so quiet and I was so incredibly alone and trapped in myself that I had to find a way out. I started humming just to create some other sound, to feel something and then I'd spend hours browsing the Internet listening to all the music I could and now I can't stop. I mean as long as I can hold a note it's not so bad I think." She laughs and continues "It's second nature to me now. It's my brain's way of staying sane through everything."

"You can more than hold a note Ana. You hold the entire room, last night when you sang, it was such a revelation." I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and her eyes close at my touch "What were you singing just now?"

"It's Summer Girl by Haim, the actual song is much better. Hold on." She goes to pull her phone from the jeans pocket and searches through her phone to play it and places the phone on the counter. The sound of the sax fills the bathroom and she starts to lightly sway as she finishes her make up and wearing her accessories. She looks up to me smiling and asks innocently "How do I look?"

I kiss her softly and take her in my arms and start dancing with her and swaying to the song. Spinning her and she squeals.

"Like a dream Miss Steele."

"I didn't know you could dance Mr. Grey?" She's asks breathless.

"Miss Steele, I've been known to have a few tricks up my sleeve, you'd be surprised. My mother made us take ballroom dancing when we were growing up. She said it was important to learn these social graces"

"I've always wanted to learn, it looks so beautiful but also so intimidating. I'd much rather freestyle."

"Freestyle isn't my thing, not in public anyway, so I guess you're the Yin to my Yang, Ana." The song ends and I lean in to kiss her again but we're interrupted by a phone call.

Ana accepts and puts it on speaker, still standing in my arms.

"Hello?"

"Ana, it's Madison from the front desk."

"Hey girl, what's up? Everything okay?"

"Um, so I wanted to confirm if you have authorized a Vishaal Kapadia to code a new room key for you because you lost it."

Ana immediately tenses and leaves my embrace, and switches off the speaker and pulls the phone to her ear and walks out of the bathroom.

Her tone changes, panicked and slightly authoritative.

"No Madison I did not authorize him. Thank you for checking in with me before... yes... yes I realize that entire resort is booked under the Kapadia account but please don't let him intimidate you with that. The only people who have authorization are Nita Steele and Katherine Kavanagh... I understand and I appreciate it. Listen I probably won't have access to my phone after we hang up since I'll be running around for the wedding. But I'll be in Kiran's bridal suite getting ready and then once the ceremony starts I'll be fairly visible so should any problem arise just send someone to find me and confirm anything."

She listens for a beat.

"No you don't have to do that. Just please put a note on my room account that under no circumstances are keys to be given to anyone else outside of the people I've listed and again thank you so much for everything. I really appreciate you taking the extra step to check in with me... sure thing... Thanks Madison, I'll see you soon."

I'm standing behind her and she lets out a breath and tries to stop herself from shaking. I am trying to keep my own temper in check but I have to be careful with Ana right now.

"Ana, is everything okay?" She takes a few seconds to compose herself and turns around to me tears in her eyes.

"It's just one of those complicated things that I can't tell you about right now." I caress her face and she leans into my hand closing her eyes as I pull her into an embrace and kiss her forehead. We stand for while till her body relaxes and her phone starts to ring, piercing through our moment again.

"I guess I have to head back out there and play hostess again" her voice is filled with sadness and with a small apologetic smile she adds "I'm sorry Mr. Grey but I'm afraid I have to kick you out. We can't be seen leaving the same suite together."

"A point well made Miss Steele. Will I have the honor of seeing you tonight or am I still too ignoble?" She giggles and the sound tugs at my heart.

"I think I can make an exception for you. By the way here's my room key. Kate has my other copy, I'll get it from her later on." She tiptoes and kisses me. She walks me out to the main door and I give her one last, long and deep kiss before I exit, hoping it will somehow last me throughout the day. I don't think I can ever get my fill of her.

**APOV:**

I close the door behind Christian and take a deep breath. Vishaal is hell bent on making my life difficult this weekend. I walk into the room to gather my things and head over to Kiran's bridal suite to drop it off. I stop along the way the way at Nani and Nana's room to say good morning and make sure they don't need anything and that breakfast was delivered to their room. Vishaal and Alia Khala are already there and a part of me wants to take the fork he's using to eat and stab him in the eye. I say my goodbyes and head to Kiran's Hacienda.

Kate and Mia are already there with the rest of the bridal party sipping on bubbly and nibbling on the breakfast that just got delivered.

"Steele!" Kate exclaims "where'd you go last night?"

"I got really tired so I went to sleep. Big day today and tomorrow." I smile avoiding her eyes. "Is Kiran up yet?"

"Yep, she's taking a bath and will be out soon. Isla called about 10 minutes ago and told us the makeup and hair team will be here in probably in another 15 minutes."

"Okay great. Listen can we talk out on the terrace for a quick minute?" I whisper when I see Mia is on the phone. Kate nods and we head downstairs to the great room and walk on the terrace. Thankfully it's empty.

"What's up Steele? You okay?"

I take a breath "Listen what I am about to tell you doesn't leave this space okay? It's imperative you promise me this stays between us till I say it's okay. Deal?"

"Deal." My darling Kate, always the team player.

"Okay so two things; a) I slept with Christian last night and b) Vishaal is trying to get a key to my room."

When I say Kate's eyes almost popped out of her head, I am not exaggerating.

"First of all, WAY TO FUCKING GO STEELE! Well I guess he's not gay then. I mean, HOT DAMN WOMAN!"

I can't help but giggle like a 13 year old and I can feel my face go blush red.

"How was he? COME ON, TELL YOUR GIRL. HOW MANY TIMES? ARE YOU SORE? TELL ME EVERYTHINGGGG" I'm almost certain she wants to climb into my brain to get a play by play.

"He was incredibly sweet. Definitely not gay. And 3 times?" I laugh out loud " It was... incredible. He took care of me. I was out in the garden and he saw Vishaal get physical with me and stepped into diffuse the situation. We ended up sitting by the fire and talking for a few hours. He's so different from the Christian Grey I see at GEH and hear about."

"Honestly, I didn't think he had a gentle bone in his body. He's so fucking stoic with like, a stick up his ass or something. But yeah, definitely not gay... I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. Get it boo. So fucking proud of you" Kate claps her hands in glee.

"I think it's just this wedding bubble we're in. I don't have any expectations to be honest. I'm ready for him to act like he doesn't even know me when we are back in Seattle. I don't want to be part of an HR disaster."

"I'll fucking murder him if he acts like that and what the fuck is wrong with you thinking like that? You are the best fucking human being I know in this world, he would be fool to let you slip." I smile at her, my passionate defender, always in my corner.

"Kate, it's seriously fine. Will it suck, yes but that's life and I'm okay with it." I confess even though I'm conflicted. "By the way, what happened with Elliot? Did you guys talk after my payback? Oh also, even Christian can't know that you know" I laugh.

"Well, we did more than talk. 4 times, baby. But for a beginner, you're definitely going to out do me in a week." Kate giggles. "I guess we both took the Grey boys to bed last night." I let out a howling laughter. What are the odds?

"Okay tell me about that asshole now." She changes track. I proceed to tell her about the phone call with Madison this morning and she's fuming, itching to murder Vishaal. She's the only one who knows my history with him apart from my therapist and my Nani who only has an idea of what's really going on between him and I. I'm so grateful Kate's a part of this wedding because I don't know how I would've survived alone. I tell her I need the copy of my key since I gave mine to Christian and she gives me a sly smile and smacks my butt in encouragement. Only Kate.

I go back up and see Kiran lying on the bed with her fluffy robe drinking champagne and relaxing. I give her a big kiss and say bye to everyone in the house before heading out to the breakfast area.

**CPOV:**

After leaving Ana, I felt uneasy. I'm not on my home turf and I can't really do much about Vishaal. I check the time and it's 9:45, I sent a quick text to Welch asking him to get me a background check on Vishaal Kapadia, ASAP. I head to the reception area and ask to book a conference room for the hour.

I get to the room, lock the door and call Flynn.

"Good morning Christian. Good to hear from you, how can I help?"

"Good morning John, I'm okay I just really need to make sense of what the fuck I've gotten myself into."

"Start from the beginning."

"Okay, I'm just going to lay it all fucking out there." I tell him everything. How I met Ana, at GEH and then randomly at this wedding and how watching her is pure fucking bliss and torture at the same time. How last night went, this morning and the issue of all these fucking foreign feelings and I'm feeling really off center.

"Hmm, well that's quite a lot that's happened this week." He muses.

"No fucking shit, Sherlock."

John let's out a throaty laugh and I can't help but chuckle too.

"Listen Christian, I need you to address what do you most fear from this encounter?" He asks.

"Flynn, I have never had sex with emotion or without restraint. The idea of that happening was absolutely foreign to me, I thought all that shit people talked about was just that... absolute shit but there's something about her. She is not afraid to show emotion, one second she can be crying and next she can be playful, she's completely in tune with herself and I'm just in complete awe."

"So you don't want her as a submissive?"

"I don't think she has a submissive bone in her body. Besides, after seeing her yesterday, she's got too much life in her to be caged in a role like that. Part of her charm is her being who she is. Having her as a submissive would be so unnatural."

"What about your issues of control then?"

"I honestly don't know. I haven't felt an overwhelming need for control since I've been here. I understand that also has to do with the fact that I'm at someone else's wedding and I'm just going with the motions of what's happening and none of it really directly affects my well being except with respect to Ana and these feelings I have towards her."

"Do you want to continue with her once you're back in Seattle?"

"Ideally, yes but I think I'd need to talk to her about it first."

"Does it concern you that she's your employee?"

"Yes a bit because I don't want to fuck up anything in regards to GEH."

"That's valid." Flynn pauses for a bit. "Have you had any nightmares this week?"

"Surprisingly, no. In fact I had a dream this morning. That's never happened."

"Interesting, tell me about it."

I tell him about the dream and silent panic attack that followed before Ana woke me up.

"Do you have any desire to remove yourself from this entire situation, I mean leave the wedding and just forget everything?"

"And risk Grace killing me? No thanks."

"Well, you've always been your own man, I doubt Grace can force you to stay there against your will."

"John, have you met Grace Trevelyan-Grey? She'd chop off my balls and feed them to the dogs."

Flynn laughs, "Yeah you're right, she's a force to be reckoned with for sure... Christian, I'm honestly really proud with how you're handling this. You're experiencing something very new and foreign in a place that is not your home base and that alone can be very jarring but you seem to be taking this slow and steady."

"I think it's a testament of who Ana is and the effect she has on everyone she interacts with. I mean John, you gotta see her in her element. Everyone gravitates towards her. Even Carrick opened up to her and he rarely speaks to people he doesn't know that well. Being with her... calms me."

"She sounds like an exceptional woman."

I can't help but smile. "She is."

"Do you want her to be your girlfriend?" John asks hesitantly.

"I don't fucking know. Yes and no. I've never done anything like this John. That's the part that scares me. She hasn't said anything and there's no way I can tell her about my... issues now. I mean. Fuck John."

"Christian, I really think that despite your issues as you say, you owe it yourself to maybe try and explore this avenue with Ana. She seems like a person who is very aware and with heightened emotional intelligence. Take it one day at a time, baby steps as they say. I'm always a phone call away. I know you hate it when I use the 30's mindset reference but I only use it a reference to give a starting point. Just because something worked for you for 15 years doesn't meant it will work for the next 15. Change is constant and our bodies and mind crave it despite our issues in some way shape or form. While in your case this a big change, it's also happening in a very gentle way. I'm not telling you to tell her how you feel about her unless you're absolute sure of what it is you feel for her. Maybe just allow yourself to enjoy this process? It will be educational."

"I understand what you mean John. Thanks for hearing me out."

"Oh and Christian, some advice as a friend."

"Yeah, John."

"Don't get a background check on her. Learn about who she is from her. Don't violate her privacy, I understand your need to protect yourself but really think about this before you go down that route. Give yourself this weekend to gauge who she really is. You're good at reading people, trust that instinct and trust the process of how this all will unfold. If you're going to give this a real shot then do it the right way. Trust her."

"I'll try my best John. Thanks for taking my call."

We said goodbye and I feel only slightly better. I can do baby steps I think. Oh fuck, I don't know. I check the time and it's a little after 10 so I head to the breakfast room to meet Mom, dad and Elliot. Not get a background check on Ana? There's so much I need to know...

I get a plate of small plate of cut fruit and sit with Mom and Dad. And we talk about the timetable for the rest of the weekend. I see Ana in the room walking around smiling, she high fives one of the groomsmen and hugs some of older women and men in her family. It's hard to keep my eyes off of her.

I hear a piercing cry from a child and see that there's a small toddler about age 3-4 years old in the middle of breakfast room crying for a reason that I can't fathom. Ana bolts in his direction and picks him up. Kissing him and asking him what happened. He holds out his hand and she kisses it and spins him around and the baby boy giggles. I'm frozen as I see this exchange. She takes him to one of the food station and hands him a piece of cheese to keep him occupied. As she walks back with him on her hip, she resumes talking to everyone. I suddenly hear Grace call Ana and I try to compose myself, not completely sure of how to handle her coming here.

Ana looks towards us and smiles walking in our direction still holding the boy.

"Good morning everyone! How's everything?" she says brightly.

"Everything's wonderful darling, you are a sight for sore eyes" Grace responds "Ana, I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for taking care of Mia in Cabo, she told me last night over dinner and I've been meaning to talk to you since then.

"Oh Dr. Grey, please don't thank me, it was nothing. I'm just so glad it wasn't serious and she was back on her feet enjoying the weekend with us." She replies and Grace gives her hand a tight squeeze. "Please call me Grace. No need for formalities, you feel like family to me already." Ana shyly smiles.

"Ana you must visit us when you're back in Seattle." Carrick chimes in. What the hell, who is this man? This is so uncharacteristic of him.

"Yeah Steele, you gotta come to our Sunday dinner sometime, mom makes a mean pot roast." Elliot adds.

Ana laughs and nods but she looks a little sad as she does.

"Aanapa, look I finished! I'm a good boy!" the toddler says. "Yes baby boy you did! Aanapa is so proud of you" Ana kisses his cheek and tickles him and he's loving all the attention but then asks to leave. She puts him on the floor and he runs away. Her light reaches and heals everyone. She turns back to us and looks to Elliot.

"How are you doing Elliot?" she asks as she gives him a wink.

"Oh I'm great Ana, I'm doing great!" He lets out a big laugh. She doesn't talk to me but gives me a smile and excuses herself to go and mingle with everyone else.

I feel a swell in my chest. Unfamiliar feelings again wondering things about a possible future that I know I do not deserve.

* * *

**Authors Note**: Yep, i'm about to drag this wedding out for the next five chapters but I really will focus on the conversations that Christian and Ana will have with each other and how her revelations will really test his emotional bandwith. Also, how affection will come pouring out of him for her. I always look for that in the fanfics because I'm a little over the whole controlling/dominant Christian. I'd like for him to shit some bricks for a change and you will see a lot of that in this story *evil laugh* but there will be his controlling streaks too just not as crazy as I'd read in some fanfics. What are you thoughts about the Vishaal situation? Hit me with your theories fellow fanfic lovers!

**Music:**

When you come home - Mree (you have got to hear this song, it's amazing. Also I imagine Ana's voice to be a mixture of Mree and Lolo Zouai's voice)

Summer Girl - Haim.

P.S. What are everyone's plans for the weekend? I'm probably going to continute writing and post one more long chapter!


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 – You're my lifeline.

APOV:

I leave the breakfast area after talking to everyone and make my way back to the Bridal suite. My mind goes to Christian and our night and our morning. I feel my skin tingle and I try my best to not smile. I need to keep my head straight. He looked so handsome sitting there with his family, leaning back on the chair with his perfectly chiseled face and a hint of a smile on his face and _those eyes_. I wanted to kiss him so badly. This weekend is going to be a challenge. I never knew attraction could be like this, that I could ever feel comfortable standing naked in front of anyone. With him I had no reservations, it was completely natural, as if we were meant to be. I didn't care I had scars, I didn't care how looked because in his eyes I was beautiful. Or is my mind playing tricks on me and this is just a casual wedding fling? I need to focus on the wedding and not this.

I get to Kiran's room, take a quick shower and take my place to get my hair and makeup done. The wedding starts in 3 hours and this day has been such a long time coming. I'm so excited to wear my dress. It's the most unique. The color scheme for today is green and pink with a tropical floral theme/Hollywood party by the beach. Kiran had way too many ideas and somehow I think we're making it work. I did a quick walk through of the outdoor area where the ceremony will take place and the tent has been setup overlooking the water. Everything is coming along beautifully.

My dress is a hi-low ball gown by Sachin & Babi with a floral print. I'm the only one who has the unique dress, Kiran wanted the MOH to be unique. The rest of the bridesmaids are wearing dresses in the same color scheme but they're plain dresses. I feel slightly uncomfortable standing out like this but I do love my dress.

The photographer comes by and starts taking the requisite getting ready photos and we all oblige, with champagne glasses for fake toasts and confetti gun mishaps.

As we go through the motions, one by one we're all ready. I opt to get a trendy voluminous high ponytail, with simple but bold eyeliner and glittery eye-shadow that make my eyes look like disco balls but I like it, matte blush and a nude pink lipstick. I wear tiny pale pink teardrop earring in my ear and one cocktail ring. I slip into the same nude pink heels I was wearing from yesterday since they were hidden under my sari and pretty sure no one really saw them.

I feel... beautiful and confident. It's the first time I've never felt the need to ask someone else how I look.

I head out to the common area and see all the bridesmaids waiting to receive their bouquets and they all turn to me and cat call in delight. It makes me blush.

"Steele you fucking beautiful woman, you! You're look incredible. I mean... fuck... GIRL. LOOK AT YOU." Kate bolts in my direction and envelopes me in a crushing hug. She too has gone for the high ponytail look with her mermaid gown in pale pink looking like she stepped out of a magazine herself, she's 5'9" and basically blake lively's twin sister.

Mia joins us, she's got shoulder length blonde hair and opts for a messy low bun with her green gown in the same style as Kate. "Ana I am obsessed with your look, this gown is everything."

"Thank you Mia, it's actually from Sachin & Babi and is called the floral Mia gown, isn't that so cool. Also you look to DIE for girl. I wish I had yours and Kate's height"

"The floral Mia gown? No wonder I love it. " she laughs like a child.

We receive our bouquets and are directed by the photographers to follow them so we can meet the couple and get the usual bridal party photos done before the ceremony.

It's a bit chilly today but the resort thankfully setup warm heaters the blow air around the ceremony air so it makes sitting outside a treat.

Daniel takes his place at the altar as the last of guests take their seats. The entire scene looks like a serene tropical paradise. The groomsmen meet us in the waiting room so we can walk out according to our assigned numbers in the procession.

"Steele I mean to say this before... you look spectacular, I'm one lucky son of a bitch to have you on my arm today." Elliot flirts with me.

"You're not so bad yourself, Grey." I tease. He's wearing a black tux and looks every bit the blue eyed, blond haired heartthrob from a high fashion ad.

"Hey what about me?" Kate asks feigning hurt.

"I'll tell you in private what I think." He winks to Kate.

"OH GOD, get a room you two." Mia groans.

"Actually, we did last night." Elliot quips and Kate smacks his arm, and we all laugh out loud.

The event coordinator signals us that it's time to begin and we all take our places. The sound system comes to life and we hear Etta James's At Last caress our ears. We get our signal and Elliot and I to walk and we do so in time to the music.

_At last my love has come along  
My lonely days are over and life is like a song, oh yeah_

I can't help but smile. I feel like I'm floating on air. I can't wait to see Christian. As I get to the end of the aisle I pass Nani and Mama and give them air kisses as Elliot walks me to my spot before taking his behind Daniel.

I'm suddenly incredibly shy, I can tell where Christian is standing. I keep my eyes to the beginning of the altar watching everyone walk in for fear that if I see Christian in the eye I'll give us away to anyone watching.

_At last the skies above are blue  
My heart was wrapped up clover the night I looked at you  
I found a dream that I could speak to  
A dream that I can call my own_

Everyone suddenly stands and I see Kiran and Uncle Rish walking in and I'm overcome with such emotion. She's the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. She's wearing an ethereal Monique Lhuillier ball gown with a cathedral veil. Her hair is in tight bun with a middle part with a dramatic headband that looks like a tiara and the most beautiful diamond earrings and tennis bracelet. She's looks like a vogue bride. It's a holy vision.

_I found a thrill to press my cheek to  
A thrill I've never known, oh yeah  
You smiled, you smiled oh and then the spell was cast_

_And here we are in Heaven  
For you are mine at last_

As Etta sings the last words, Uncle Rish gives Kiran away and places her hand in Daniel's and they face each other.

**CPOV**

I meet up with Mom and Dad and we walk to the ceremony area and take our seats. I try to get something close the aisle so I can see Ana and succeed. I am aching to see her.

"Christian, I'm so glad you're here and spending time with us, I know this isn't your idea of a weekend but son, you can't be alone forever, you have to start making connections and experiencing moments that make life worth while. Money and success isn't everything." Grace says as she puts her hand to my face. I lean in and nod.

"This weekend hasn't been all that terrible mom. I feel like I'm learning new things seeing these two different cultures and families come together." I confess.

Grace kisses my cheek and smiles.

Scooter walks in with the priest and they take their positions and the all the seats almost fill up.

The sound of violins fill the air and I know for a fact that Ana must have chosen this song. Every thing about this weekend is a reflection of her. I smile and I see her come into view with Elliot. He whispers something in her ear as they reach the altar and she throws her head back and laughs. Soon they are in the middle of the aisle, and Ana is this divine beauty walking before us, her hips sway in time and her eyes are twinkling with the biggest smile as Etta's voice soars.

_At last my love has come along  
My lonely days are over and life is like a song, oh yeah_

I'm floored. Dead. A goner. I think my jaw is open and it gives me away as Grace looks back at me and gives me a knowing smile. Fuck, does she know?

Elliot walks to Ana to her place at the altar and I have an uninterrupted view of her. She tries her best not to move to the music but fails, it's just who she is. She mouths the lyrics looking eagerly, waiting for her cousin. I will her to look at me but I fail, this woman cannot be willed by anyone else to do anything, she is a free spirit.

I see her expression change slightly as everyone stands up and I realize it's time for the bride's arrival. Ana has tears in her eyes and she see's Kiran finally reach the altar and takes Daniel's hands in front of the priest.

I'm unable to pay attention to the ceremony, as all I can do is watch Ana. Once the couple are announced as married, Ana jumps up and down with everyone with child-like glee, cheering them on and proceeds to dance down the aisle to "Can't stop the feeling by Justin Timberlake" with Elliot, followed by Mia and Kate with this respective partners in the bridal party. I laugh a little and shake my head. I feel a little left out but also know I wouldn't be able to keep up with any of this.

We are ushered into the area for cocktail hour and I get a drink and run into Ana at the bar.

She loses her footing momentarily and I grab her elbow. She blushes and I can feel her skin catch fire under me. I feel it through my entire body. How is this even possible?

"Miss Steele" I say seductively.

"Mr. Grey." She says out of breath, smiling and walks away to mingle with everyone.

Cocktail hour drones on as I do small talk with random people. Soon enough we're directed to the outdoor area where the reception will be held in a big white tent that overlooks the water. The sun is setting and it really is beautiful. I look up and the entire ceiling is covered with leafy vines and string lights. Towards the center there is an installation of different sized disco balls. Tropical jungle disco? Everything is in hues of pink and greens like Ana's dress.

I look for my name on the board and discover that I'm sitting at the bridal party table. I make my way over and make a quick decision to switch some of the cards to make it so that Ana is sitting with me.

I see Ana walk in with the crowd and talk to some of the wedding vendors, no doubt making sure everything is on track like the perfectionist she is. I'm so impressed with how she's handled everything.

As everyone takes their seats, Mia finds her place across from me. I'm sitting on the edge, with a seat for Ana to my left, followed by Kate then Elliot. I feel at peace. Ana will be here soon enough. I may not be able to touch her in front of everyone but at least I can be close to her.

The dance floor is huge but given the guest list and how big on dancing Ana's family is it only seems appropriate. The band and DJ are setup on the other side of the room to my far right. I see an old school photo booth behind me with props and Mia runs with some of the bridesmaids and they all cram into the small space to take silly pictures.

As everyone takes their seats, most of the bridal party gets up to get ready for their entrances. I'm left at the almost empty table with some lone spouses of the members of the bridal party.

The DJ calls everyone's attention and announces entrances for the couple's parents. And everyone cheers. Next up in the bridal party. The lights dim and the disco lights flash creating a club like atmosphere and I hear Finesse by Bruno Mars start to boom through the speakers.

"Ladies and gentlemen let's stand up and bust to move to welcome the bridal party. I hear they really know to break it down. First up the Maid of Honor and Best Man, Anastasia and Elliot." The DJ's voice booms and the crowed cheers as Ana and Elliot burst through the doors laughing and dancing. They make their way to the center and put on the most elaborate show, singing along to the lyrics and dance outrageously. I can't help but smile, they're adorable. They stand and wait in place for the rest of the friends to join.

Once the entire bridal party is complete. The DJ makes an announcement for the couple and they enter in to Crazy in Love by Beyonce and I hear the bridal party scream and go crazy on the floor welcoming them. Mia, Ana and Kate have their own little dance party and really break it down the beat. I used to think that no one could ever match Mia's energy on the dance floor but I now think no one could ever match Ana's energy. She's in a league of her own.

The married couple soon begins their first dance to "It Had To Be You" and it makes me wish I was dancing with Ana instead.

As the bridal party retreats and make their way back to the table. Mia, Kate and Ana are hand in hand giggling, Elliot rubs my shoulder and he walks around me to get to his seat. Mia takes her seat in front of me and Ana looks around the table to find her name and is a little shocked to find her place card next to me. She looks a little nervous but I immediately stand up offering her room to slide to her seat. She graciously accepts and tries her best to keep the distance from me as much as she can without making it too awkward in front of everyone.

As the married couple dance, the dance floor is declared open for other couples to join in. We all remain seated, talking and drinking. Mia and Ana are like two peas in a pod, talking about everything and anything. Kate and Elliot interject whenever they can but they're busy with themselves.

"Wait a minute, we should all totally take a selfie!" Mia declares. She gets up and motions Elliot and and

Kate to stand behind Ana and myself while Mia positions herself next me and holds the phone up. Ana's hair touches my cheek and she's beaming.

"Wait another one, funny faces!" Mia yells. Ana does the fish face and I have to laugh, she looks adorable. Mia immediately emails it to all of us.

"Christian, now take a picture of the three of us!" Mia pulls Ana and Kate up and they do a series of poses, laughing, smiling, funny faces, the Charlie's angels formation and various groupings of them; Mia with Kate, Kate with Ana, Mia with Ana. It'd be exhausting if I didn't actually adore these women.

Mia proceeds to take a picture of Elliot and Kate and they look good. Then one of Ana and Elliot given then bridal party pairing, they do a proper one and then an over the top hilarious one. They get along so well.

"How about I take a picture of the three of you guys, family picture?" Ana asks "Good idea Ana!" and Mia drags Elliot and I up to our feet.

"Okay guys, show me some love in this picture. I'm not giving into the shenanigans but Mia pouts her lip and does a dance post and Elliot does something with his nipples, which makes us all laugh.

"Elliot stop being such a hoe! Serious picture now." Ana scolds as we do a couple of more variations.

Time passes by, our food arrives and Ana comes and goes performing her MOH and general hostess duties. She goes to every table and introduces herself and makes sure everyone is taken care of. She has the patience of a saint.

The DJ announces it's time for speeches and Elliot is up first as best man. He is his usual funny self, crass at times but the crowd loves him and gets great laughs at Scooter's expense.

Next up is Ana. She walks to the middle of dance floor and takes a breath, I can see she's nervous but when she looks up, she's calm and smiling.

"Ladies and gentlemen, good evening. Thank you so much for being here to join us in celebration of these two wonderful human beings. For those of you who may not know, I'm Ana, Kiran's cousin and Maid of Honor today... basically the most important person in this wedding."

She twirls around and everyone including myself claps and she beams.

"I'd to first start off by appreciating my opponent aka the best man's speech. Solid effort Elliot but if we wake up to news of you being found murdered then let's be real... it will come as no surprise and all fingers will point to Daniel of course."

The whole room erupts in laughter and Elliot yells, "Solid one Ana " she winks back at him. She's such comedian, her delivery is always on point and she's animated in the right spots.

"I feel like I'm taking a risk by doing this but I didn't want to write my speech beforehand. I wanted to be to fully present in this moment and speak my heart out, about this day and celebrate the people I love and adore so much.

I'll start of with Daniel. I've known Daniel since the time Kiran and called me saying and I quote "okay so I met this guy, he's cute but I don't really know" to "holy shit Aana I can't believe I'm married to Daniel" about 10 minutes ago.

The room laughs again.

"When they first met I really didn't care to much about them, I mean I was in highschool trying to get through life and love or even hearing about love was far from my mind. But as their relationship grew I found myself genuinely invested in them. You see, girl talk is a glorious thing; it's a great way to dissect and analyze a relationship and also quite entertaining. So Daniel, whatever you think I know about your relationship with Kiran, triple that. I know everything. Even what you think I don't know, I know it. I am all knowing. So you my friend, better watch yourself.

Over the years watching Daniel and Kiran get close and his constant effort to embrace our family's culture made me question his intelligence and his ability as a lawyer because we are honestly a really crazy family. I don't why anyone would willingly trap themselves with us but love is crazy beautiful thing and Daniel you are now trapped for life. Congratulations and welcome home."

She has every one of us laughing out loud and including the couple who can't get enough.

"Jokes aside though, I want to take a minute to describe a moment that made me fall in love with Daniel and know that he is the perfect person for my K-apa. I went to New York for spring break to spend some time with them, I know I need to work on my definition of Spring Break but truth is I'd follow them to the North Pole... ANYWAY, it's a really cold day in New York and Daniel had come home with dinner and told me that Kiran would be home in another hour. During that time Kiran was putting in insanely long hours at work and things were tense in the world of mergers and acquisitions and we all know how that is. Daniel tells me, "hey I'm going to take a nap, wake me when Kiran comes home." I'm like okay, cool! I continue reading, soon enough Kiran comes home, she's in one of her foul moods, it's a thing, meet me by the bar if you want more dirt on this, anyway she comes home, barely saying a word to me. I know not to poke the bear. I tell Daniel she's home, he gets up and takes her back to bed and says "hey, listen I laid down and warmed your side of the bed, get in and relax." He then goes to make her chai and brings it to her bedside and kisses her forehead.

When I say that I was floored, I mean I was FLOORED."

The whole room says "awww".

"Right?

Hear. Me. Out.

Sometimes the only thing we hear about love are the grand gestures, heck I was an English lit major, all I did was read about impossible love stories with these over the top gestures that honestly put me off of love, but I'd like to believe that all love stories start from small moments like this, the ones that the world doesn't get to see. The moments you tell your kids and grandkids about sitting in your living room during a sunny afternoon. Moments like caring for your partner to know that they need a warm bed and tea. That they may just need you to hold their hand and tell them you'll keep them safe. To draw you a bath after an incredibly emotional and physically tiring day..."

She looks at me and pauses for a moment. I feel my heart skip a beat.

"... so when I look out in the world and look for the kinds of people I want in my life, I look to this moment Daniel made happen for Kiran. It is my guiding star. After I realized the significance of that moment my next automatic thought was I wonder if he has a brother and if this thought process is a genetic thing I can cash in on... but sadly Daniel is an only child. So I'm shit outta luck y'all!"

The room roars with laughter and we clap for her again. I look and no one is eating their food they're just all enamored by her, fully engaged as she walks around the floor and looks people in the eye as she tells her story. She's a natural.

"And now, I get the distinct honor of telling you about my K-apa." Her voice wavers. She takes a second to compose herself still smiling, no doubt tears forming in her eyes.

"I can't describe the kind of person K-apa is without sharing my story first, it's not an easy one but it's important for you all to understand why I love this woman more than life itself."

"Fuck!" Kate whispers under her breath. I look to her and Elliot asks her what's wrong. She looks to Elliot, Mia and myself. "This is going to be an extremely difficult moment for Ana emotionally."

I feel my throat close up and the hairs at the back of neck rise.

"I came into this family when I was 10 years old. They took me in and loved me unconditionally. K-apa took me under her wing and she has been not only just a big sister and my biggest champion but my first real friend in life. There was a time when I was so lost, trapped and broken. I was a broken shell of a human being but K-apa's love never wavered. She helped put me back together piece by piece."

She starts to cry uncontrollably.

"She is one of the reasons why I am in front of you right now. Why I can physically breathe again, and talk, why I can walk again, why I can live my life again. Without her, Mama Nita, Nani and Alia Khala I would have never survived. I almost gave up on living this life and they all brought me back one day at a time.

K-apa, aap ke beghair main kuch nai hoon. Aap ke beghair main adhoori hoon aur zindagi jeenay ka tasuwar bhi nai kar sakti.

_I am nothing without you, just an uncurling lifeline and I cannot picture living my life without you in it._

You are my lifeline. Hamesha." _Forever._

She's completely broken. And I feel my eyes water. She takes two seconds to compose herself again and I see literally everyone crying. Mia is sobbing, Kate is leaning on Elliot and crying. Elliot looks up to keep himself for tearing up. How can she do this to all of us? She just lays it all out there no holds barred.

She begins again "Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to the most beautiful couple we know and have the honor of sharing our lives with. We're the luckiest humans alive." She giggles through her tears.

Mia is a complete mess in tears and looks to Kate asking her what happened. Kate then proceeds to tell her that at 17, Ana and her dad Ray got into a huge car accident. Ray died on impact and Ana sustained critical injuries and was in a coma for 6 months. Her pelvis fractured, spinal cord injuries, fully paralyzed. When she finally came to, she couldn't speak, or breathe on her own. It took her almost 3 years to fully recover and she had to defer college.

Mia gasps in horror while Elliot curses a higher power. Me? I'm just completely at a loss for words. I can't process. I am so overcome with emotion.

Everyone cheers her on, applause fills the room and we all drink. Kiran gets up from her seat and walks to Ana and kisses her face, crying and hugging her again. Ana then walks to her mom who gets up to hug her and sobs into her before kneeling down to her Nani who kisses her forehead. It takes her a few minutes but she regains a bit of her composure and she walks back to our table with her head low.

She walks up to us and I get up to let her slide through to her seat, her beautiful face so tear stained. Kate pulls her into an embrace and kisses her forehead. She looks up at Kate and confesses

"You're in that list too Kate, you save my life everyday, I'd die without you." Kate is starts to cry.

"Steele and Kavanaugh forever! 3" Kate says, her voice breaking.

"Yeah, forever!" Ana giggles through the tears.

Mia holds her hand out from across the table for Ana to hold and she takes it. They sit like that till Ana stop crying and starts to feel better. Mia eventually asks.

"Banana, I don't meant to upset you again abut what did you say at the end of yours speech in hindi? It sounds so beautiful"

Ana offers a smile " I said I am nothing without you, just an uncurling lifeline and I cannot imagine my life going on without you in it. You are my lifeline. Hamesha. Hamesha means forever and it's one of my favorite words in the language."

Mia squeeze her hand let's go as Ana sits up straight and quietly looks around. I'm so out of my depth here, I am desperate to hold her and kiss her. I try to move in closer and put my hand in her lap and she takes it squeezing it. I can see another tear fall and my heart breaks for her. She holds my hand until someone calls her name. Thankfully no one at the table notices our moment.

As the salad's get served, Daniel gets up and takes the mic to make in honor of his new bride. It's a wonderful speech with the right amounts of adoration and teasing.

"Ladies and Gentleman, I'm not really a man of the arts nor do I have a good singing voice, I'm more tone deaf than a donkey but there is a lovely woman here who has agreed to help me express my vision of how much I love Kiran. I love her till the end of the world, I'd find her no matter what came our way." Daniel concludes. "Ana dear, will you help me tell our love story?"

Ana quietly nods and makes her way to get up again after giving my hand a tight squeeze. As she shuffles out of the chair Kate looks to her tears in her eyes" Steele, what are you doing, don't sing that song, please." Ana looks back "It's okay Kate, I need to make new memories to it. It's been too long." She says with a small smile as her voice cracks as she continues to walk away.

Kate lets out a sob. "What happened?" Mia asks. "This song is the only memory she has from her accident from with her dad. She had been playing it on repeat all day on her iPod. It's so gut wrenching, I don't think I'll be able to watch this." Kate hides her face in her hands and Elliot pulls her into an embrace. My heart falls into my stomach.

Ana walks to the center of the stage with a mic in hand. She looks so sad, the lights dim and the room gets bathed in a pink hue. The piano chords fill the air and Ana's voice seeps through echoing and it's pierces through.

_When the sun runs out  
And there's no one to save you  
Will you go to our favorite place  
And try to say goodbye _

_At the end of  
(At the end of)  
The world  
Will you find me?_

_Will you find me?  
At the end of  
(At the end of)  
The world  
Will you find me  
So that we can go together  
Together  
Together_

_Together_

_When the moon breaks up  
And the tide goes out of control  
I will find you in the water  
And swim us to the stars_

_At the end of  
(At the end of)  
The world  
I will find you  
I will find you  
At the end of  
(At the end of)  
The world  
I will find you  
So that we can go together  
Together  
Together_

_Together  
Together  
Together  
Together  
Together  
Together  
Together_

The piano dies out and Ana's voice is the only sound that echoes the following words_._

_When the sun breaks up  
And there's no one to save you?_

_At the end of  
(At the end of)  
The world..._

Ana takes a deep breath, her tears falling, and begins again with the entire band joining her and the swell of emotion it causes is unbearable to experience. She looks up to the skies and sings with urgency as if praying to a higher power, pleading with shaking clenched fists and shaking her head. I feel numb, I can't imagine the pain she's feeling, the images flashing through her mind.

_I will find you  
Will you find me?  
At the end of  
(At the end of)  
The world_

_I will find you  
Will you find me?_

_I will find you  
Please find me._

_End of the World – Ingrid Michaelson._

The couple gets up from their chairs and go to Ana, embracing her and kissing her. All of us stand and applause and there is not a dry eye in the house. Kate and Mia are crying uncontrollably, I can see tears in Elliot's eyes as I feel my own eyes burn.

Ana walks back to our table, face tear stained but eyes are vacant. As she takes her seat, Kate pulls her into a crushing embrace but Ana doesn't react. I try to hold her hand and it's completely lifeless. Kate rubs her shoulders and arms, as if to heal Ana and get a reaction out of her. Kate looks to me with slight fear in her eyes. She pushes Ana back and holds her face "Look at me Ana, it's Kate, look at me. We are so proud of you, Ray is so proud of you, come back to us." After a beat, Ana responds in the smallest voice "I'm fine Kate." And she rests her head on Kate's shoulder for what seems to be the longest time, I keep running my thumb over her knuckles as I hold her hand.

After a while, Ana starts to visibly feel and look better. She barely eats her dinner instead opts for going around and making sure everything is up to par, going to the guests tables and making sure they don't need anything. I wish she would eat and rest. The band goes on break and the DJ starts to call on everybody to come to the dance floor and form a circle to initiate the lip-sync battle and dance offs between all the girls and guys in the bridal party. First up are the bride and groom and Kiran wins the both battles by a mile.

Second, Ana and Elliot are called. They are so much alike and so competitive it's hilarious to watch. Elliot dances like a spastic bear to some song called Jackie Chan. It makes no sense but everyone seems to love it and Ana is giving him the side eye.

Ana steps up and playfully steps up to the center throwing her heels to towards to the stage.

I Like it by Cardi B starts to play and everyone cheers loudly. Ana proceeds to do an insane choreographed dance, mouthing the lyrics with all the sass interacting with everyone and mostly ridiculing Elliot and then suddenly picks up the cash gun placed on the stage while mouthing the lines "Oh I need the dollars (I said I like it like that) (ch-ching)" spinning around as the cash dispenses from the plastic gun and everyone screams in delight.

She wins that battle hand down. For the lip-sync battle Elliot lip-syncs to "U Can't touch this" by MC Hammer and the crowd goes wild including Ana and they all lip-sync and dance. She laughs with abandon and Elliot tries to dance up against her and she runs around the dance floor covering her face. I can't help but laugh myself, almost certain my face will start to hurt soon from the smiling. Mia stands next to me and nudges my arm and gives me a wink. I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

"Okay... so AMAZING song choice and a solid effort for the performance, I'll give you that. But it's my turn now. SIT, BACK AND LEARN, BRO." Ana teases. Everyone cheers.

Ana starts mouthing and performing to Truth Hurts by Lizzo with all the sass in the world and people eat it up. She's so fucking on point and every move she makes is perfection.

_Why men great 'til they gotta be great?  
Woo_

_I just took a DNA test, turns out I'm 100% that bitch  
Even when I'm crying crazy  
Yeah, I got boy problems, that's the human in me  
Bling bling, then I solve 'em, that's the goddess in me  
You coulda had a bad bitch, non-committal  
Help you with your career just a little  
You're 'posed to hold me down, but you're holding me back  
And that's the sound of me not calling you back_

_Why men great 'til they gotta be great?  
Don't text me, tell it straight to my face  
Best friend sat me down in the salon chair  
Shampoo press, get you out of my hair  
Fresh photos with the bomb lighting  
New man on the Minnesota Vikings  
Truth hurts, needed something more exciting  
Bom bom bi dom bi dum bum bay_

_You tried to break my heart?  
Oh, that breaks my heart  
That you thought you ever had it  
No, you ain't from the start  
Hey, I'm glad you're back with your bitch  
I mean who would wanna hide this?  
I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be your side chick  
I put the sing in single  
Ain't worried 'bout a ring on my finger  
So you can tell your friend, "shoot your shot" when you see 'em  
It's OK, he already in my DMs_

She subtly points to her crotch at the last line and everyone screams and Elliot falls to the ground bowing to her because she truly is a Queen and she sashays towards the stage, swaying her arms in the air to pick up her heels. Fuck, i'm a goner for sure. Nothing can break this spell I'm under.

After a few more battles the dance floor opens, I head back to the table and Ana comes by a little while later to take a quick rest and drop off her heels. She tells me her feet are killing her. She ends up looking at me and smiling, sleepy dreamy eyes and I lean in a bit. "I so badly want to kiss you Mr. Grey. You look so drop dead gorgeous in that tux, I may just jump you" Ana playfully whispers. "There's nothing I'd like more Miss Steele but we may cause quite a scene here don't you think?" I smile back. Ana throws her head and laughs. My playful girl is back.

The band comes back from their break starts to play all the classics and Ana and I end up being the only ones not dancing. She drinks her water and picks at her food a bit, swaying in her seat. I desperately want to dance with her and I decide to throw caution to the wind and ask her. I make my way to stand and Ana looks up puzzled.

"Miss Steele, may I have this dance?" I ask holding my hand out. She takes a sharp intake of breath and her face erupts into the biggest smile and stands up putting her hand in mine and shakily wearing her heels again. "Christian, I don't know how to dance like this. I'll mess up." She says nervously.

I lean into her ear "I won't let you fall baby, I promise." She looks back up and smiles again.

The band starts to play and it's "The Way You Look Tonight" and it's so fitting. I move with her and she can't stop giggling. I twirl her and she's all smiles, beaming back at me. Elliot and Kate come near and Elliot whistles suggestively and she laughs and sticks her tongue out to them as I spin with her. I can't stop looking her face; I try to memorize every detail of her and the way she looks. She's perfect in every way. I wish this moment could last forever. She moves so effortlessly with me I don't know why she was worried. I end the song dipping her and she throws her head back laughing. I desperately want to kiss her; she's so beautiful in this moment. We walk back to the table hand in hand. Everything about this weekend is perfect.

We sit at the table and soon Mia, Elliot and Kate join us. Dessert arrives and it's decadent. Strawberries and cream, chocolate covered strawberries and macaroons, chocolate fudge cake and salted caramel cupcakes. All the couples' favorite things to eat she tells us.

"Guys, this is all I want from life, dancing and dessert." Ana giggles as she takes a strawberry and dips it in cream and takes a bite. It makes my dick twitch and my mind roams, thinking of how I'd love to feed her, lick cream off of her breasts and make her come by licking chocolate off of her. God dammit, I need to control myself.

"Yep, I'm into that life!" Mia agrees taking a sip of champagne.

The band retires from their set and the dance floor opens again with the DJ . The first song is Taki Taki, Ana and Mia squeal and proceed to stand up from their seats and dance in place for a bit before leaving us and dancing all their way to the dance floor. Ana's cousins join as well; as they sway their hips suggestively and lose themselves in the moment.

_If the text ain't freaky, I don't wanna read it  
And just to let you know this punani is undefeated, ay  
He say he really want to see me more  
I said we should have a date, where? At the Lamborghini store  
I'm kinda scary, hard to read, I'm like a ouija board  
But I'ma boss, bitch, who you gonna leave me for?  
You hoes got no class, you bitches is broke still  
I'll be talkin' cash while I'm poppin' my gold grill (uh)  
I'm a hoe, rich bitch and I work like I'm broke still (Cardi)  
But they love be so fake, but they hate be so real (uh)_

Ana and Mia act out the Cardi B rap aggressively against some of the groomsmen and Ana is a sight to see, she dominates at every turn. She's so fucking hot; I can't wait till we're alone tonight.

Elliot and Kate eventually leave to join the dance floor and the band is back together, laughing and dancing outrageously and spinning each other. I know I'm missing out but also watching them makes me happy. It's an unfamiliar realization, to say 'I'm happy' watching them.

As the night winds down and everyone is danced out, I can see Ana's energy wane, she's danced her ass off. We're sitting at the table talking drinking the last of the champagne as the resort co-ordinator comes up to us.

"Hi Ana, the kitchen closes up in another hour, I know you barely ate, want to head on over there and Chef B will cook you something? He wanted to see you as well."

"Oh god, he'd be willing to do that? Cause I just realized I'm starving." Ana giggles.

"Yeah go, head on over, he's waiting for you!" The coordinator laughs and moves to make sure the load out of the event happens without a hitch.

"Guys, you'll join me right? Please say yes." Ana looks at all of us and we smile and agree. Literally everyone at this resort is under her spell. How is this even real?

Mia goes off to the bathroom and Elliot goes to get one last drink from the bar. It's just Kate, Ana and myself.

"Kate, cover for us!" Ana bolts up and grabs my hand and drags me to the photo booth. God, I adore this girl I hear Kate cheer in the background "YASSS! Go Steele."

Ana and I make our way into the photobooth and she giggles. She sits on my lap looks straight at the camera smiling but I only want to see her. I kiss her cheek for the second shot. She suddenly looks at me with a warm smile, the 3rd flash goes off and then for the 4th flash I kiss her on the lips.

"You make my heart so happy Mr. Grey." She says before getting up. I pull her to me and kiss her hard. "And you make mine soar, Ana." I say looking into her eyes. Ana tears up and kisses me again.

When we get out the coast is still clear, we get two copies of the image strip and Ana giggles.

"I've always wanted something like this." She says looking up at me. I hold her hand and bring it to my lips for a light kiss.

Once Mia and Elliot make their way back to the table we proceed to head out the kitchen. Ana leads the way. The kitchen is fairly quiet since most of the staff is just cleaning up and heading out.

"Chef B, you're girl is backkkkk!" Ana runs in and give Chef B a hug. He's an Italian man in his mid 50's, tall with a belly and a mustache. He kisses Ana on the temple.

"Bella, let me look at you. Bellissima... all the boys danced with you?" Chef B asks.

"All my favorite boys danced with me so I'm happy!" Ana beams.

"Okay bella, what do you and your friends want to eat?" He asks, "What can you make us? Whatever is easy..." Ana smiles.

"Truffle grilled cheese with some chicken tenders and fries?" Chef B asks,

"BLESS YOU CHEF B, Yes please!" Ana giggles and we all laugh and we sit around an empty table.

A song comes on the radio and Ana, Mia and Kate start to sing to it with abandon.

_Sorry if I'm up and down a lot (yeah)  
Sorry that I think I'm not enough  
And sorry if I say sorry way too much  
You can go ahead and call me selfish (selfish)  
But after all this damage I can't help it (help it)  
But what you can trust, is I need your touch_

_I'ma scream and shout for what I love  
Passionate but I don't give no fucks  
I admit that I'm a lil' messed up  
But I can hide it when I'm all dressed up  
I'm obsessive and I love too hard  
Good at overthinking with my heart  
How you even think it got this far?  
This far_

_And I can be needy  
Way too damn needy  
I can be needy  
Tell me how good it feels to be needed  
I can be needy  
So hard to please me  
I know it feels so good to be needed_

_Needy - Ariana Grande _

The song is a confessional but also far from her truth, she's got so much strength in her. I'm constantly floored. I don't think I have it in me to experience emotion the way she does. She's unmatched and after tonight's revelations... I'm in complete awe of who she is.

She sits on the table, feet dangling and lost in her own thoughts as she hums and sings while checking her phone. Soon Chef B brings over sandwiches for us with fries and chicken tenders. Ana is like a child and hugs him and kisses his cheek. She takes a bite of the grilled cheese and nods in appreciation.

"Chef B, you're the bombest chef in the world." She giggles and continues to eat.

"Bella you're too kind to me." He smiles at her. Ana sways to the music and eats and we all talk about random stuff. We soon are done, I offer to leave first to make sure Elliot and Mia don't clock the fact that I'm not spending my evenings in my room at the Hacienda. I walk back to Ana's cottage, my mind completely consumed by her. She's all encompassing in the most beautiful way.

* * *

**Authors Note:** A lot of theories about Vishaal, all questions will be answered in Chapter 11. The only thing I'll say is that family is complicated and the drama is layered. So many layers to this onion.

Thank you all for your amazing comments and encouragement and to the person who posted on the facebook group. I didn't have facebook and created an account this afternoon to join it and say hi to all my new fellow fanfic familia. To the new followers and commenters, so happy to meet you! Hope you continue to follow along. I wish some of the guest commenters had account so I could reply to you via PM.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

**Music:**

At Last - Etta James

Can't Stop The Feeling - Justin Timberlake

Finesse - Bruno Mars feat. Cardi B

Crazy in Love - Beyonce feat. Jay Z.

It Had To Be You - Harry Connick Jr.

End of the World - Ingrid Michaelson (I changed the lyrics a bit from the original. I envisioned the arrangement being a mix of her live performance on the piano only ending with the orchestra of the studio version)

Jackie Chan - Tiesto, Dzeko, Preme, Post Malone.

I Like It - Cardi B, Bad Bunny, J Balvin

U Can't Touch This - MC Hammer

Truth Hurts - Lizzo

The Way You Look Tonight - Michael Buble

Taki Taki - DJ Snake, Selena Gomez, Ozuna, Cardi B

Needy - Ariana Grande.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 – I just wanna look good for you**

**CPOV**

I walk into Ana's room make myself a drink and wait for her. The entire night replays in my mind. Her confession, her emotions and us dancing. I'll never forget the look on her face, the joy - it was in a word addictive. I want more with her. Despite all my reservations, and the belief that I'm not worthy of more... I want more of her. _How could I possibly go back to nothing now?_

She walks in 15 minutes later and stands at the threshold of the bedroom door, hair falling around her shoulders with a shy smile.

"Miss Steele, you should know I'm a very impatient man and you made me wait." I say as I take the last sip of my brandy.

"Is that so Mr. Grey" she looks mockingly contrite.

"Yes, and I believe you need to make it up to me. It's the least you can do, don't you think?

"What do you have in mind Mr. Grey?"

"I think I'm owed a private show. That should settle the debt."

"Hmm." She walks in and stands near the bedside table and looks at me. "In that case I have a few small conditions."

"State your case Miss Steele."

"Stand up and move the chair away from the wall and closer to the middle of the room please." She asks softly and I oblige.

I look to sit down.

"Not so fast Mr. Grey." She says sweetly. "Take off your shoes and your shirt and then you may sit down." She instructs. I feel a sense of panic and she sees my hestiation.

"I promise I won't touch you where you don't want me." She reassures me and I know she's telling the truth. I proceed to follow her instruction and sit back down.

"Arms on the arm rest please." I do as I'm told. "Now Mr. Grey, there is only rule in this show and that is you cannot touch me unless I let you and I will let you eventually I promise but just not in the beginning." She cocks her head to one side, smiling sweetly.

"I don't know if I'll be able to follow that rule Miss Steele."

"Then I'll stop the show." She says with a shrug and smiling.

"Understood. The floor is yours." As I bring two fingers across my lips. The anticipation is driving me crazy.

She smiles seductively and pulls her phone out and plays a song.

The music starts off a little dark and atmospheric and then Ana softly sings along with song.

_'m on my fourteen carats  
I'm fourteen carat  
Doing it up like Midas  
Now you say I got a touch  
So good, so good  
Make you never wanna leave  
So don't, so don't_

_Gonna wear that dress you like, skin-tight  
Do my hair up real, real nice  
And syncopate my skin to your heart beating_

_'Cause I just wanna look good for you, good for you  
I just wanna look good for you, good for you  
Let me show you how proud I am to be yours  
Leave this dress a mess on the floor  
And still look good for you, good for you_

_I'm on my marquise diamonds  
I'm a marquise diamond_

She sways seductively in place for a bit, never breaking eye contact. She takes a few steps in time with the music and stops in place, playing her hair, running her hands over her neck down her body, swaying her hips seductively as she moves to undo her zipper and lets her dress fall as the beat drops.

HOLY FUCK. I don't think I'll last another minute. She's braless wearing the tiniest pink lace panties

She walks over softly singing

_Gonna wear that dress you like, skin-tight  
Do my hair up real, real nice  
And syncopate my skin to how you're breathing_

_'Cause I just wanna look good for you, good for you  
I just wanna look good for you, good for you  
Let me show you how proud I am to be yours  
Leave this dress a mess on the floor  
And still look good for you, good for you_

She continues her visual assault on my senses, every move is deliberate and in beat with the music and she sings along. She sounds so hot. She takes her finger and walks around me as she lights traces a line from my fingers up my right arm, to my shoulders, across the back of my neck to my other shoulder and down my left arm. I grip the armrests and shift in my seat a bit, my dick is begging for release. Another beat drops and she climbs on top of me and places her hands on my neck, holding my gaze as she sings

_Trust me, I can take you there  
Trust me, I can take you there  
Trust me, I, trust me, I, trust me,_ I

I am barely holding on. My breathing is ragged.

_Hold on, take a minute, love  
'Cause I ain't trying to mess your image up  
Like we mess around in triple cuffs  
_

As the male rapper starts she kisses me and we're all tongues, I'm struggling, I need to touch her but I don't want her to stop. She grinds against me, deep and slow, her hands in my hair pulling me to her and she takes everything from me.

"Tell me you want me Christian." She said between kisses.

"I need you Ana, I need you so fucking much." I can hear my desperation but I don't care.

_Let me show you how proud I am to be yours  
Leave this dress a mess on the floor  
And still look good for you, good for you_

She stars to sing again, this time running grazing her lips as she sings from my forehead around my face down to my neck, kissing me, licking me and biting me and grinding against me. Her voice vibrates through my skin and makes me dizzy, I am failing, trying everything I can to remember how to control myself but I can't, it's sensory fucking overload and I feel I will break the armrests

_Trust me, I, trust me, I, trust me, I..._

She bites my bottom lip as she grinds hard one last time and I come hard and loud under her "FUCKKK!" My head falling into her neck as lifts herself slightly to sit back on my thighs and holds me as the song finally ends.

My breathing very slowly returns to normal as she runs her hand through my hair.

"You are can touch me now Mr. Grey." She says seductively and gives me a small kiss

I immediately hold on to her face and attack her mouth.

"I've never come that hard in my life." I look into her eyes.

She smiles, "We aim to please Mr. Grey... now let's get you cleaned up".

I remain seated for a bit, as she walks into the bathroom to start a bath. I'm in a haze and daze. Where has this woman been all my life? I feel like I have met my equal and we don't even need any of the other shit. We just need each other.

I look at myself, I'm completely soaked, evidence of both of our arousals and it's so hot, holy fuck that was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. I take off my pants and boxers and leave them in the corner by my bag and walk in as Ana checks the waters temperature, still in her heels and lace panties. I pull her back into me and grind my hips into her, she giggles trying to suppress a moan and I turn her around, face is beautiful, flushed with desire and her hair cascading around her. I snake my arm around her waist and kiss her deeply.

When I break the kiss and look down at her again, she smiles dreamily at me.

We lay in the tub and barely say a word to each other just take in the waters warmth as I kiss her neck and cheek. She hums a tune every now and then as I wash her. My hands run down her breasts, over torso and she giggle a bit. I reach down between her legs and she gasps and arches her back, biting her lip. I continue massaging her, pleasuring her as I alternate between biting her neck lightly and biting earlobe. I use my other hand to knead her breasts and twist her nipples.

She gets louder and moans my name, I can tell she's close.

"Let go baby, give yourself to me." I whisper in her ear and she comes, gripping the tub edges for dear life as she ride out her orgasm.

We lie in bed looking at each other. There is so much I want to know about her. I feel like I'll never have my fill of her and she will always surprise me.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You can ask me almost anything Mr. Grey." She smiles.

"Why almost anything?"

"We all have something we can't talk about so it'd be a lie for me to say ask me anything, implying that I'd answer your any question when that is simply not true."

"Point well made Miss Steele," she giggles. "So what's your question Grey?"

"Can I ask you about your scars?" I ask in a small voice. She looks down.

"Before I answer, would you be willing to tell me about yours?"

I swallow and can't bring myself to answer her.

"It's okay, I understand." she says as she traces my lip with her finger. "My scars are a result of an accident I was in, I can't really talk about it in detail because it reminds me of a very dark time in my life. This weekend is about celebration and I don't want to dampen the mood anymore than I already have." She says with sadness.

I give her a small kiss. "I'm so sorry." She looks back tears forming in her eyes and gives me a small smile. "I'm sorry too."

I need to move us on from this moment.

"What's your favorite color?" She laughs and looks at me "I don't know if I have a favorite, I like and wear them all. I guess green? Maybe blue?"

"Yours?" I tell her I like Grey and she rolls her eyes.

"Did you roll your eyes at me Miss Steele?' I smack her ass and she responds with a giggle and gives me a quick kiss.

"What's your favorite song right now?" I ask trying to lighten the mood a bit more. I want het to forget any sadness she felt today.

"Right now? That's a tough one, I mean I listen to music all the time and have new favorite every 2 minutes, but as of recent there is one that I always circle back to. It has the most beautiful lyrics I've ever heard in this one part of the song. Hold on let me play it." She turns to get her phone and I stop her. She looks at me confused. "Sing it to me, Ana."

"Um..." she's suddenly shy and smiles "okay."

She moves in closer to me with her elbow propped up and holding her head. She leans in and holds my face in her hand looking into my eyes. I feel my heart stop for a moment as she begins to sing

_and if you sing me to shipwreck  
at least I've no regrets  
with your perfume of my sheets  
and your lips on my lips  
well the way that you see me  
I've been blessed by your kind eyes  
and every touch is a wonder  
every look is a sunrise  
you're skin and bones  
you say you're just  
skin and bones  
you're skin and bone  
you say you're just  
skin and bones  
but I see so much more_

She finishes with a smile and I realize that I'm completely and totally in love her. _This_ is what they talk about. All these feelings I have, this is it, I love her but I don't know if I can tell her that. Is it even possible to feel this in love someone I just met a few days ago? We hold each other's gaze for seconds, minutes, hours I don't know. It's just the most intense moment I've ever experienced. Every moment I spend with her is an intense ride and I'm hooked.

I kiss her, long and deep. Trying to somehow convey to her all that I feel without words. She tries to catch her breath as I climb on top of her.

"Christian." She moans into my mouth.

I take off her t shirt as she pulls down my boxers and I enter her. Achingly slow. She loses breath and tips her head back. I need this with her, slow as I can; I need this to last as long as it can. I place my forearm above her head and lock my fingers with hers and cup her face with my other hand as I look into her eyes and move slow and deep. We go from staring at each other to closing our eyes and savoring each other. We're all moans and gasps, just losing breath trying to get the moment we're completely one. Her legs are completely locked in mine, as she meets me thrust for thrust.

She comes, her voice fills the entire room and it's the best fucking sound. Another reason why I live for her. I find my release shortly after, burying myself in her neck and inhaling her scent. I want more of it. I'm feeling too many emotions and I feel a tear fall onto my cheek but I know it's not mine. I look up and she has her eyes closed but she's crying?

"Baby did I hurt you?" She opens her eyes and smiles.

"No, Christian. It was just really intense. I'm scared of what I feel for you."

"I feel the exact same way Ana, you've turned my world completely upside down." She places her hand on my cheek and reaches up to give me a small kiss and I close my eyes.

I lay back down into her neck shifting to my side as I pull out of her as our bodies remain entwined as we fall asleep.

* * *

**Authors Note: **Super short chapter but I always feel like their time alone should be it's own chapter... I won't be continuing this format for the next chapters of course. One of the commenters had a critique about this being another story without Ray and I feel you! There are however some wonderful stories on here by other writers that have Ray in the picture though.

I do however promise that Ray will be menioned a lot in this story. His relationship with Ana is something she will look back on a lot and she will talk about him A LOT. In fact there's a whole chapter dedicated to Ray and Nita in the future + small flashbacks and dream sequences. In my version, Ray was a very involved father who actually knew how to cook! haha. I welcome any critique, I hope to hear more from you all. How's your weekend going? Tell me exciting things you guys!

As always, thank you SO much for the encouragement.

**Pinterest: **www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

**Music: **

Good For You - Selena Gomez

Skin & Bones - Blue Rose Code.


	9. Chapter 9

Thank you for all the reviews on the last chapter. I'm so happy you're happy! And YAY, HE LOVES HER.

DoloresDeeHowe, I wanted to say hi and welcome to my little story, thank you for taking the time out to read and comment.

Tammi: Oh girl! so much drama ahead.

Guest: In regards to them being slightly older has all to do with Ana's past. She only graduates from undergrad at 24. In this series, Kate is actually 26. I will explain that dynamic eventually as well.

Mineangels2: So much will happen after the wedding. Almost too much drama for our mamas, hehe. Their interactions at GEH will be...intense and comical. I promise.

Motherbeatrice: I think it's the fact that they're in a wedding. emotions are heightened. As far as the henna, aside from it being a traditional wedding ritual, Ana's worry about having henna tattoos is mostly because it can look disruptive, especially when it starts to fade from the skin, it can look untidy. almost like the visual effect of chipped nail polish. And we all known how perfection is required at GEH.

SianJohn, Shan36, sweetsub75: Thank you for your reviews and continued support.

I honestly which there was a way I could respond to all your reviews like a chat forum. Can I? I'm so new to this interface. That way I could respond to everyone's questions instead of constantly private messaging.

OKAY. Ready. Set. Read.

* * *

Chapter 9 – Baby I'm a fool who thinks it's cool to fall in love.

_December 1__st__, 2019_

**CPOV**

I feel Ana stir and open my eyes to see her. She's still in my arms and looking up through the skylight through a sleepy haze and lets out a small yawn.

I kiss her cheek and giggles turning and throwing her arms around me, burying her face in my neck as she throws her leg around me.

"Good morning baby"

"Mmm good morning Mr. Grey." She says still sleepy. I move to get a little more comfortable and flush against her and I feel my dick get hard against her.

"Tell little Grey to behave himself, I just want to cuddle. I have to save my energy for the Sangeet tonight."

I chuckle. "Miss Steele, he has a mind of his own. You're welcome to talk to him yourself"

She giggles against my neck and gives me a small kiss.

We're looking into each other's eyes and suddenly her phone rings. Who could be calling at this time and what time is it?

She turns to reach for her phone still half in my embrace.

"Oh shit" she clicks to answer, setting it to speaker and resting the phone on her stomach "Hey K-apa, everything okay?"

"Yeah babygirl, I finally made a decision on what song I want you and Karan to sing tonight"

"Finally, only took you forever, by the way what time is it?"_._

"It's 7:30" Kiran laughs.

"Did you get any sleep or were you too busy doing the dirty." Ana asks laughing.

"Oh girl you have NO idea. I'll tell you EVERYTHING when we meet" Kiran fires back. Ana rolls her eyes. I find this little window into girl talk very amusing. "I can't wait till you find someone Ana, sex is such a wonderful thing, give up the virgin spell already. You're 24 and you still haven't met anyone. I was talking to Vishaal and he has some friends I can introduce to you"

Ana immediately tenses and closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose.

"K-apa, what about the song?" She tries to deflect.

"Oh yeah, can you guys sing the Tera Woh Pyar medley?"

"YAY! Yes, of course. I was secretly hoping you'd pick that, it's perfect for a first dance and everyone can dance to it. Plus I won't be crying while singing for a change. Pretty sure everyone is sick of me doing that. I know I am."

"You sound like an angel when you sing and shut the fuck up because everyone I know is obsessed with you." Ana sighs and rolls her eyes. "I love you boo. I'm sending some breakfast your way. It'll be there by 9:30. Pancakes and tea?"

Ana looks to me, and answers, "Yes mama bear, also could you add some eggs and toast and fruit with a pot of coffee and milk. Kate will be joining me this morning." She winks at me. "Also please ask them if it's possible to send Luis to drop breakfast."

"Anything for you babygirl."

"Thanks K-apa, I'll come by at 11am to get ready." She ends the call.

"What was that abo..." I start to ask but Ana cuts me off "one sec."

She holds the phone in front of her and records and audio message.

"Kate, in case K-apa asks how breakfast was with me, tell her something came up and you couldn't eat with me in my room after all. Also please confirm when you have heard this message."

She puts her phone down and exhales and massages her forehead.

She starts to speak and then her phone pings. She checks and plays the message.

Kates croaky voice filters through. "Damn Steele, you hoe. Who are you and want have you done with my friend? I guess Grey really brought out the freak in you"

Ana laughs out and she relaxes again. "Fuck off, Kavanagh. Focus on your own Grey. Love you" she records and sends back.

She can feel me watching her. She covers her face with her hands. "Stop looking at me, Christian Grey."

I pull her hands away from her face and she's so embarrassed.

I ask her what she told Kate and promises me that the secret is safe and that Kate knows all her deepest darkest secrets. Stuff that even Kiran doesn't know and that Kate is her vault. I feel a pang of jealousy but I understand that she needs this.

"Why does you Kiran think you're still a virgin?" she tenses again.

"Because my sex life or lack thereof is none of her business. She just assumes stuff and I've never corrected her. Can we please not talk about this right now." Her tone is clipped and I can see her face tense a bit more as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. As much as I want to know more, I change track.

"So what's the agenda for today. I've never been to an Indian wedding."

She visibly relaxes and I feel the tension dissipate from her body.

"Well, for starters this isn't as traditional as Indian weddings go, it's actually pretty whitewashed unfortunately only because Kiran isn't all that big on the traditional stuff, we cut out a lot of the rituals and ceremonial stuff. We're fairly chilled out with everything and we've been spacing the program out to let people really enjoy themselves and relax because weddings can always feel so condensed and rushed and it was important for me that people really soaked up this weekend and got to know each other and had actual memories rather than just suffering from the incessant wedding hangover. My idea was to have this feel like more of a wedding vacation..." She giggles.

"We have a small Hindu ceremony that will only have people who were at the Friday brunch. That starts at 1:30 and we'll be done by 2:30 or so. Then they'll be a buffet lunch and an area for everyone to relax and enjoy themselves, we've left it pretty open, we have setup some tables with traditional Indian board games for people to play and pass the time if they'd like to. This evening the program starts at 6pm the Sangeet will feel bigger than last night by the way, a lot is packed into 5 hours. We have a full band but with eastern music players coming in plus an over the top DJ. A million dance performances and it will be overload for all the non-south asians. So I apologize for the headache coming your way Mr. Grey." She laughs and I kiss the corner of her mouth.

"What will you be doing in all this?" I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Well, I'm singing a song for their vows at the ceremony, that's surprise for Kiran by the way, so don't tell anyone and then also for their first dance which I'm really excited about it's my absolute favorite, I'm singing that with my cousin Karan AND THEN 4 dance performances. The original count for me was 8 but then I cut it all down last month. I got tired of all the practicing and music management. I'm so fucking tired, I love these guys but these weddings kill me. Then the dance floor opens and that's another beast, which I might end up staying away from tonight. OH! And I have three outfit changes but I might just stick with two at this point. Even the guys have an outfit change from this afternoon to this evening. If only you were an official groomsmen too, I'd trade Elliot for you in a heartbeat. You'd look so handsome in a sherwani, Christian but I'm sure you'd hate having to keep up with all the insane dancing. God, I'm so tired, you might just find me in sleeping in some obscure corner by the end of the night" she giggles and it's a treat to her mind go a million miles a minute.

"What's a Sherwani?" She pulls up an image on her phone and shows me an example. It's a conservative and simple ensemble that I realize I wouldn't mind wearing. A simple white/cream long shirt and pants of a light material under a long tailored black or grey coat with flat indian shoes or leather slip ons. She then shows me some outrageous Sherwani examples that some people go for with bright colors and flowers that I would never be caught dead in. She laughs at my horrified expression.

I kiss her and stroke her cheek. "Did I tell you how beautiful you looked yesterday? I couldn't keep my eyes off of you. Watching you and not being able to touch your or kiss you was agony. So I took a chance and asked you to dance because I couldn't stand it anymore and when we danced, the way you smiled and laughed, I was aching to kiss you but I had to stop myself. There were so many moments where you just took my breath away and I can't wait to see how you look all dressed up today."

She blushes and tries to hide her face but I don't let her and kiss her some more.

She breaks away from the kiss and runs her hand through my hair "Christian, you're so sweet. You don't have to tell me, you make me feel it. I've never experienced that before and it means the world to me." She kisses the corner of my mouth as she relaxes and cuddles with me some more. This is a whole new experience for me. Something so simple as lying with someone arm in arm.

"Mmmm I might just fall asleep again, Mr. Grey."

"Sleep baby."

"I can't. I need to take a shower and do a bunch of things before I go and get ready later. So much to do and my brain is buzzing now."

She gives me a quick kiss and leaves me wanting more as she heads to go and get ready. I turn to pick up my phone and check emails and messages.

I end up napping for a bit and decide to wake up and go take a shower. I pass by Ana in the walk-in closet as she's almost drowning in the humongous bathroom and engrossed in writing a thank you card and making a small gift bag.

I walk to her and kiss her hard on the lips. She has this pull, I've never ever wanted to shower affection like this before. As foreign as it is for me, it also feels so natural.

"Stop distracting me Mr. Grey, I'm a woman on a mission this morning." I chuckle and let her be.

When I'm done with the shower and dressed I see Ana's dried her hair a bit and is wearing faded blue jeans that really show her great ass and a loose white linen shirt. She looks effortless. She sees me staring at her.

"Is there anything I can help with you with?" She asks sweetly

"A few things comes to mind but they're time consuming and require your full attention Miss Steele, too bad you're short on time."

She laughs and rolls her eyes.

We stand around in the bathroom doing our own thing, I'm leaning on the counter checking emails and messages as she quietly organizes her things and frantically texts and sends voice messages every now and then. Both of us are so comfortable in each other's presence.

"Do you mind if I play some music?" She asks distractedly as she walks away.

"Yeah sure."

She yells from the walk-in closet. "Siri, please play 92 explorer by Post Malone." The music starts to play and I have to laugh.

"Hey! Don't hate on Post Malone, his music song is essential to my morning routine"

"I don't, in fact I find him the most bearable these days."

"Well he's one of my favorites." She laughs.

As the song progresses she sings along with the most exaggerated hand gestures and acts out the lyrics. I can't help but smile, she's such a wonder.

_She used to shoppin' at the mall (ooh)_

_I'll teach lil' baby how to ball_

_I hit Rodeo, spent like 40 G's (wow)_

_Four hunnid pairs of Gucci socks_

She starts to dance a little more and throw her hands up in the air as she walks back into the closet to get something. She comes out singing and applies her perfume and runs her fingers through her open hair one more time. She smells of roses and it's intoxicating.

I walk up to her and stand behind her, pulling her hips to me, holding her in place and I slowly sway her to the music and she loses her breath, I trail kisses from behind her ear down to her neck and feel her temperature rise instantly.

Her eyes are closed she places her hands on mine. I push into her more and she moans.

I look in the mirror, her head is against my shoulder, eyes closed and enjoying the sensations.

"Place your hands on the counter." I command her. She follows immediately. "Good girl".

I pull her hips against me and grind against her.

"Oh fuck, Christian." She moans.

I unzip her and run two fingers down her and I'm rewarded with her wet arousal. I fucking love how ready she always is. I run my fingers up and down her lips till she's completely drenched and push them in. She lets out a gasp and grabs on to my hand, trying to push my fingers in more as my thumb circles her clit. I bite her earlobe and she moans loudly..."Christian...Christian...". I stop and I suck her cream off my fingers as she opens her eyes in surprise looking at me through the mirror. I can't help but smirk. "Miss Steele, you're the best kind of breakfast."

Before she can respond, I bend down and take off her jeans and panties as the song ends. "Play the song again." I command her.

"Yes, sir." She says softly. Holy fuck... it's like a dream come true hearing her say those words.

I pull her back to me and insert two fingers into her again and she gasps her head against my shoulder. "Look how good we are together baby." She opens her eyes and locks eyes with me through the mirror and bites her lip and bends to push her hips into me. She wants more. I spin her to face me and lift her onto the counter and stand between her legs, I unzip my pants and run my dick along her clit a few times as she moans. I look into her eyes, cheeks completely flushed, body ready to be fucked. I grab on to her hip with one hand and thrust into her with the beat and she throws her head back moaning loudly and it's a fucking treat to hear.

She's fucking exquisite. I kiss her neck, biting her making sure I leave no marks even though I want nothing more than to bite down as hard as I can.

As the chorus comes in I pound into her faster with the beat and I can tell she's close. Her hands are my hair and she pulls me to her mouth as she invading it and moaning, I feel the vibration of her voice throughout my entire body. It doesn't take us long till we come. We are so fucking good together.

As our breathing calm down a bit, her legs are still wrapped around me and our foreheads are pressed together, I kiss her cheek and tip her chin up to kiss her and bite her lower lip and suck it. She smiles back at me with such wonder that it's disarming sometimes.

She reaches out to turn off the music and starts to giggle.

"Mr. Grey, that's another favorite song of mine I have not so kosher memories attached to."

I can't help but laugh at her smart mouth "We on our way to a proper sex playlist I believe."

She kisses me and I step back to zip up my jeans and proceed to get a cloth to clean her up a bit and help her back into her jeans. She turns around to look in the mirror to fix her face a bit and I put my arms around her waist again and look her through the mirror, "Just how I like you, thoroughly fucked." I bite her neck lightly.

She laughs out loud and bites back "control freak!"

"Oh Miss Steele you really have no idea."

We hear a knock on the door and she jumps.

"That must be breakfast, finally... also stay here till he leaves." And she quickly rushes out with the gift bag closing the bedroom door a slight bit.

I shake my head. Miss Steele seems to be more of control freak than me.

I walk into the bedroom and listen from behind the door.

Ana opens the door. "LUIS! I'm so happy you're here. Why did it take you so long to come and see me?"

"ANA! Mijaaa, cómo estás i'm sorry but this whole wedding has been so crazy."

"Bien, bien. I know right? But it all ends tonight, smooth sailing from tomorrow. Tell me how is Rosa? Has she sent out her college apps, has she made a decision yet? I've been so crazy with this wedding prep I didn't get to talk to her after she visited Seattle."

"She sent them and it all depends on financial aid and scholarships."

"Tell her to call me whenever after tomorrow, I'm happy to help out in anyway. Also here I got you guys a little something as a thank you gift for all your hard work with the wedding and taking care of me."

"Mijaaaa, what is this? Noooo."

"Oh shush. It's just a Fraiser onesie for her cat. We both geeked out and watched back to back episodes, she's when she was staying with me. She's the only person I know who loves the show as much I do. Oh also this is just a little something for you."

She laughs and I'm so floored by the entire exchange. My heart swells at how much love and kindness she has within her.

"Mija, this money... it's too much. Please no."

"Luis, it's from the family, as a way to say thank you for everything, especially how you've taken care of me so not another word."

"Thank you Mija, you are too good to me. May God always bless you."

"Yeah yeah, just come give me a hug Abuelo."

I hear the door close and she yells "breakfast is readyyyyy"

We're quietly eating breakfast as Ana is engrossed in her phone, no doubt dealing with wedding stuff.

"Hi Isla, how are you?...I'm good, just a little tired but it's the last night! So close yet so far... listen I won't come by the breakfast area this morning, I have some stuff to do, could you please take over and make sure everyone is comfortable? Also, are there still any spa reservations left?... hmm.. okay perfect, could you please have someone from the spa go to Alia Khala and Mama's room and give them a foot massage? They were in heels all day yesterday and I know they didn't drink enough water and their feet are probably swollen. Same for the Matthews from the Bridal party, they're in room 206. I'd like to book them for a couples massage, Brianna had a miscarriage recently and I can see her feeling a little low and tired, please call them and slate them in for an appointment for this afternoon before the Sangeet... okay amazing, yes that would be perfect. And also please have breakfast sent to Nana and Nani's room. I'll go check in on them before getting ready... and what about the room full of games for the kids and the sitters for the night?... okay great. By the way, we have some guests coming in today and one of them have a 3-month-old newborn daughter, do we have access to any sitters who are nurses? I know the others are CPR certified but I'd like an extra level of comfort on that front... oh thank god, you're a god send Isla. Yes please if a room could be setup for some of the kids to nap or sleep like last night... oooh! Also one last thing, I have candles for tonight, jasmine scented, could we please have someone get them from the bridal party Hacienda storage closet and loaded out to the big room for the Sangeet, the florist will take care of everything else... uh huh... no that should be fine...thank you, thank you so much, I'd be so lost without you."

She hangs up and looks up rubbing her eyes and sighs then proceeds to eat again. Her mind still buzzing I can tell.

"You really think of everything and everyone don't you?"

"Hmm?" She says as she drinks some tea.

"You've thought of everything, how do you do that?"

"I want everyone to be comfortable Christian, I want them to feel at home and that someone's got their back. That's all I want. What's the point of life if you can't be of service and bring joy to others?"

"I'm in awe of you, Ana."

She smiles but there is sadness in her eyes. She goes back to eating in silence but I want to hear her voice, so I try to keep the conversation going.

"I've never met anyone who likes pancakes as much as you."

"They make my heart happy. They also remind me of dad. He always made me pancakes when I was sad. This way it feels like he's still with me" she shares.

I reach out to squeeze her hand. She smiles back at me.

"I'm so awed by how the entire resort staff are willing to do whatever they can to make you feel welcome. Like, even last night with Chef B..."

"What can I say it's the Steele charm" she flips her hair over her shoulder and continues "No but seriously I've been flying out here twice a month for the last two months to make sure everything with the wedding goes off without a hitch. We had them build some custom stuff for us so I had to come in a check it out and do food tastings as I was locking down the menu. And in that time I got to know everyone and we got close. Isla, the resort co-ordinator has been so on point and patient, Kiran is so indecisive and her wedding planner quit 4 months ago so I stepped in and we put this together from scratch. Team work makes the dream work baby!" She giggles and continues "I really got close with Luis, he took care of me during my trips out here. Don't say anything but he confided in me that he's undocumented and his grand daughter Rosa is absolutely brilliant and wants to be able to send her to college, so I offered to help out with college essays for scholarships and that if she ever wanted to visit Seattle she could stay with me... which happened recently and Christian she's such a sweet girl, she wants to go to MIT for their robotics program and I really hope she gets in on a full ride. She deserves it. I was hoping to meet her again but my schedule is so crazy. And god she has the fluffiest cat and I want a cat so bad..." she gets distracted and stares off into the distance for a moment.

"You give too much of yourself to people."

"Well, it's the only wealth I possess. My love and time, and yes I do give it freely. Whenever I do have money to spare, I give that too. I don't need much to live my life and I'm happy this way, I didn't grow up with much so I don't want for much either."

She floors me again with her confessional.

She pauses for a beat and climbs on top of me gives and me a kiss, she tastes of pancakes and apples, smelling of roses and Ana.

"When do you leave for Seattle?"

"I was actually supposed to leave this evening during the Sangeet but I'm going to call and switch to Tuesday early morning. Is that okay, I was hoping with we could spend sometime together?"

"Christian, don't change your schedule for me, the Gotha meeting is on Tuesday, don't you need to prep for that?"

"The meeting is at 2pm and if I leave here by 8am, with the drive up to the airport plus flight time, I'll be in Seattle by 11. I just have to show face and shake hands, Ros and Travis will handle everything else... what about you, when do you come back?"

She suddenly gets up and moves away a little creating distance, which I find odd.

"I'll be back on Saturday afternoon. I need some time off to recalibrate after this wedding, it's taken a lot out of me."

"When can I see you after you're back?"

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why?"

She takes a breath looks to me wide eyed and with sadness.

"Because the moment we leave this place and land back in Seattle, you'll be billionaire and CEO Christian Grey and I'll be the broke legal assistant at GEH... and if anyone found out, they will all come for me and rip me to shreds. You'll be unscathed but me? The entire building will look at me as the girl who fucked the CEO. I just started making friends there and getting into a groove. I have a really simple life Christian, I love my friends and family and most of all my anonymity, I'm a nobody and if this ever gets out I'll be a somebody that people will look down on. I know my reality, I know what I really look like and I know my place in life. I don't dare reach for anything higher."

She takes a breath trying to hold in her tears

"I've been through so many nightmares in my life and it's taken me years to get to this point where I'm more than just barely surviving, I'm actually living again... and If they come for me then I don't think I'll be able to survive the mental trauma."

She's now fully sobbing but takes a few moments before she begins again.

"Right now, you're my Goa holiday, something wonderful I'll always look back on and no one will ever measure up to you but me, I've always been replaceable and it's a truth I've accepted about myself."

**APOV**

I say my piece and look back up to Christian. His jaw is tense and he's staring at the coffee table. He takes a deep breath and stands to pace around the room running his hand through his hair; I can tell he's frustrated and about to lose it.

"How the fuck can you say that to me?" He shouts at me and it makes me jump. This is the angry Christian Grey I've been trying to avoid. Holy fuck, this is not good. _Just trust me, Christian... this is not a good idea. You'll realize this soon enough._

"You have no idea what the fuck you are saying Anastasia. The main problem here is that you don't see yourself the way I see you or how Kate sees you or how Mia sees you or how Elliot sees you.

From our first encounter at GEH I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I was dragged to this fucking wedding and had resolved to leave tonight. On Friday while Kiran was giving her speech, I kept thinking to myself that I wish you were here or that I was in Seattle with you. Then I saw Kate walk in and sit across from me, it clicked and I realized you were about to walk out my heart soared Anastasia, you were a godsend. I had no idea our fates would be aligned like this. It made me believe in a higher power. And the entire day I just watched you and I couldn't fucking believe you were a real person, every human being here talks about you and only you. All eyes are on you and only you. They worship the ground you walk on.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I don't care what the fuck the world thinks because what you have done to me in these last few days has flipped my entire world upside down. Mia said something to me on Friday night, she said that she barely ever saw me laugh in life and that this weekend alone I have laughed so much and it's all because of you.

I had private, contractual relationships, women who I would just fuck to get the aggression out without emotion and then move on, they weren't allowed to touch me at all, none of them slept in my bed, took a bath with me or met anyone in my personal life. I was never interested in dating or fucking hearts and flowers and all that shit. Marriage? Fuck that, it was never on my radar; I just wanted to make money and win. My only family consisted of Grace, Carrick, Elliot and Mia and I was happy with that. People thought I was gay and I didn't give two shits about it because I wanted people to stay away.

Then you happened. You have been a series of firsts in every way possible and it makes me want more. You make me want more with you, Ana. I want so much more with you. It just comes pouring out of me... As much as I want more, I have a feeling I may never be able to get my fill of you."

He comes and sits next to me and picks up my hand and kisses it.

"I ache to touch you and kiss you. This entire weekend watching you in your element, I got jealous of Elliot for a beat because you were so familiar with him and I thought you liked each other. I was envious of anyone who got close to you because I wanted to do that, I wanted to be close to you. That's why I asked you to dance last night; I wanted a memory like that with you. I have wondered where the fuck you have been all my life. When we slept together, I made love to someone for the first time in my life and it sated me like nothing ever has before. I haven't had a single nightmare since I met you and for the first time since I can remember, I actually had a dream and it was about you. Ana, none of this could have been possible without you. How can I possibly go back to not having you in my life at all? When you sang to me last night in bed, I realized I had fallen hopelessly in love with you. At the end of the world, I promise I will find you."

He's done talking and now staring at me, holding my hand as I try to form a coherent thought and I can't. I am so floored. Those last two lines echoing loudly in my brain. _I had fallen hopelessly in love with you. At the end of the world, I promise I will find you. _He loves me? He will find me? _But..._

I climb on top of him and sob into his neck and he holds me. I look back into his eyes and he holds my face with his hands, wiping my tears. He moves in to kiss me, slowly, taking his time, his thumbs stroking my cheek as his tongue dances with mine. I break the kiss and look into his eyes.

"I love you Christian."

"I love you Ana."

He kisses me again.

"I guess HR and PR is going to have their hands full with us." I giggle, breaking away.

Christian laughs out loud and we fall into another laughing fit.

"Miss Steele, what am I going to do with that smart mouth of yours?"

"Kiss me." I demand.

He leans into to kiss me again and we get lost worshipping each other.

We're lying on the couch when I hear my phone ping. Hair and makeup are ready for me. I kiss Christian and go to gather my clothes for the ceremony and leave the room.

Walking over to Kiran's Hacienda I feel like I'm on cloud 9, he loves me. Christian loves me. My body feels so alive, on fire like I can do anything and I cannot stop smiling. _Baby I'm a fool who thinks it's cool to fall in love._

"I've been waiting for you babygirl." I hear Vishaal's voice behind me and I freeze as I approach Kiran's. Dread runs through my veins again and it makes me want to rip my skin off.

"Leave me the fuck alone, Vishaal. I don't have time for your bullshit." I bark at him.

"What's the deal with you Grey?" He asks menacingly, moving to stand in front of me. Oh fuck, he suspects something.

"He's just my boss."

"He seems to be a bit more than that. I saw the way you both danced. You know I don't like sharing Aana." He tries to get close to me and I take two steps back.

"Fuck off, my life is none of your business. He's my boss, he just stepped in to diffuse what he saw was obviously a difficult situation for me like any decent human being would. Not that you would know what the fuck decency is... and as for last night, he was just being nice. We work together and it was a friendly dance."

"Friendly dance? I wasn't born yesterday. However, maybe you need a refresher to help you remind you of your fucking place." Vishaal's tone is chilling and fear grips me as he takes a step forward and I get ready to bolt. _No, you'll be fine. Nothing can happen to you here. It's daylight. Nothing bad happens in the light._

Thankfully Mia opens the door and steps outside to take a call but not before calling out to me. "Hey Banana... just got my hair and makeup done. How do I look?"

I smile at her and blow her a kiss as I quickly go around Vishaal and run up the steps to go inside.

Kate notices my worried expression and comes in for hug whispering in my ear "What happened Steele?".

"Outside. Dementor." Our code name for anything Vishaal related. It's the only word that accurately describes him. She hugs me again as a shiver runs through my body. "I got you babe." she whispers again and runs her hand over my hair. I try my best to not cry.

We all get our hair and makeup done and are ready to go. All of us are in different colored and styled lehengas. Kiran didn't want to force everyone to wear the same thing but encourage them to have fun and create their own south asian look for the day. She and I are the only ones who will do an outfit change for the Sangeet in the evening.

I go for a loose braid with some tendrils of my hair framing my face. My hair is thick enough to make a substantial looking braid; my hair has been the envy of every woman in the family. I hope it doesn't get jinxed and fall out eventually. I wear big heirloom earrings and some gold bangles with a few rings on both hands.

I'm wearing a cream white Sabyasachi lehnga choli. I feel a little uncomfortable with my blouse showing so much of my midriff but it is what it is. My skirt has gold embroidery on it with a tulle shawl wrapped around it.

My makeup is simple, just some tinted primer, light highlighter and a warm peach blush and lip tint, to give myself a bit of glow and not look so insanely pale. I forgo any eye makeup and decide to go all out for this evening instead.

I look in the mirror feel like a billion bucks. I could get used to this level of confidence.

Kiran is in a traditional red Sabyasahi bridal lehnga ensemble with all the bells and whistles. She looks breath taking. She is a timeless eastern beauty and words can't do her justice right now.

Daniel is in a black Sherwani and looks incredibly regal. They look so good together that it's criminal.

Kate is in a mustard yellow lehenga choli with her hair blown out to perfection. She pulls off the ensemble effortlessly like anything she ever wears. She's a vision. The color brings out her blue eyes and makes her sun kissed skin glow. I give her the elaborate choker I bought for her with matching earrings with bangles Mama brought back from India that match her outfit.

Mia is wearing a regal and beautiful dark blue lehenga choli and she looks equally amazing. A part of me almost wanted to switch ensembles with her. She has her hair straight with a middle part and a tikka and big heirloom earrings and rings on both hands. I can't stop staring at her.

We get done with all our pictures and get ready to head to the forest cathedral area on the resort property. It's an outdoor oasis surrounded by tall trees with a ceremony space where the Mandap is set up for Kiran and Daniel's Hindu ceremony.

**CPOV:**

After Ana leaves, I immediately call Flynn. I know it's a Sunday but fuck, this was a really intense night and morning that I've had and I need to talk this out.

Flynn answers, thank God. "Morning Christian, everything okay?"

"John, I told Ana that I loved her." I blurt out.

"Oh..." he pauses for a few seconds. "Well, that's quite a development from yesterday."

"I know. I'm... I don't know... we had this really intense night and followed by an equally intense discussion this morning and it all came pouring out of me... I... I... couldn't stop myself."

"How did the conversation start?"

"I asked to see her once she got back to Seattle and she said she didn't want that because as soon as we'd leave here I'd go back to being CEO and she would be my employee and if that were to get out she would face the brunt of it and that given her history with trauma she may not be able to survive it."

"She has a valid point Christian. Anyway you look at this, should news of this get out, Ana will most certainly be the target of abuse."

"I know John and it fills me with dread that no matter what I do... I can't protect her from that."

"How did you get to the point of telling her that you loved her and more importantly how did you get to that realization yourself?"

"John, she's unlike anyone I've ever met before and what I've experienced and witnessed of her, I can never go back to being the way I was. I can only go forward with her; I feel it in my gut even with all the small moments of panic at feeling something unfamiliar. As for telling her, she has extreme self-esteem issues John, I don't know where they stem from because she's honestly the most fucking beautiful thing I've ever seen but she sees herself as average at best."

"You mentioned trauma, do you know what she's been through?"

"She hasn't told me much on her own, her best friend mentioned that Ana was in a car accident and lost her dad in the incident. She was in a coma for 6 months and was paralyzed and pretty much had to relearn everything on her road to recovery, learning to breathe, speak, walk, the whole thing. Just by looking at her, you'd never guess she went through something so awful. I also suspect some sexual abuse but again, she hasn't told me anything. She said she wanted to be done with the wedding completely before she told me anything about the trauma in her life."

"Fair enough. It sounds like she's rebuilt herself quite literally from the ground up and doesn't want to jeopardize that and you cannot fault her for it."

"I don't, I understand where she's coming from but she's also unkind and dismissive of herself. Which bothers me and I just wanted to let her know how I see her and while I was making that speech, everything came pouring out John, I told her about the private contractual relationships, I just left it at that, I didn't go into the details or mention the BDSM shit but only that I had no emotive connection with anyone till her and how everything with her was a series of firsts and that was because I knew I loved her."

"Christian, that's really something. I mean you've made some really big strides in the last couple of hours. I'm honestly proud of you and the care and patience you're using to deal with this."

"Yeah John, Ana did your job in 2 days. I don't think I'm going to need your services anymore. It was nice knowing you."

John laughs "Fair enough. I deserve that but therapy is a two way street. You had a stronger connection with Ana and maybe that's what you needed. That being said you also allowed yourself to feel that connection."

"She told me she loved me back."

"Okay, how did that feel? I know how averse you've always been to positive emotions of that sort in the past."

"Well when I told her that, she didn't respond for a couple of minutes so I was naturally dying inside but she was just processing all the information I had dumped on her."

"I see. Listen this process is going to be ongoing, you both won't solve all your problems within a day, give yourselves the grace of time. It's only been a weekend, relationships take time and patience."

Flynn and I continue to discuss some more but agree that we need time and that no absolute decisions have to be made.

It's almost 12pm when I get done with Flynn and checking emails and messages. I call Stephen and Nolan and let them know of the change to plans including Sawyer and Ryan.

I go to get ready and head out to meet Grace and Carrick. I run into Mia on my way to the loft where brunch is taking place. She looks beautiful, so grown up and different and I can't help but kiss her temple. She beams at me and we walk together to meet up with our parents.

"You look beautiful Mimi."

"Thanks, Christian. Ana helped me pick out everything... so tell me how are you?"

"I'm good Mia."

"I wanted to show you something." She pulls out her phone and shows me two pictures. One is of Ana and sitting together at the bridal party table and leaning in and we both smile at each other. The other of us dancing as I dip Ana and she throws her head back laughing. I smile, I love that we have pictures of us from this time.

"So when were you going to tell me about you and Ana." Mia quips, raising her eyebrows.

"Mia, relax, we're just getting to know each other. It's a little complicated with GEH in the mix." I say trying to play down what really is happening between us.

"Yeah sure, whatever, I just want to say I'm thrilled. Even mom is, she saw it in your eyes on Friday night."

Oh fuck, Grace knows. Which means Carrick knows and eventually Elliot will, no, scratch that, the fucker already knows and it's just a matter of him going from raising eyebrows to opening his big mouth.

"Mia, out of respect for Ana can we please keep a lid on this?" I try to get some control on the situation.

She stops me and looks me straight in the eye "Listen Christian, I love you, you've been the best brother to me my entire life but you've been pretty shitty to yourself by not seeking companionship and even though I've only known Ana for a few weeks, I feel like I've always known her and she is a good person and you need someone like her in your life. I wouldn't want just anyone for you. Ana is the real deal. She's undeniably real... so what I'm saying is that tap that already and lock her in before someone else does." She cackles. I love this kid.

"Yes mom... now can we shut up about this and move on."

"Jokes aside Christian, please promise me you'll try with her?"

"I promise, Mia."

After snacking on some appetizers for lunch, we are ushered to the location where the Hindu ceremony will take place on the resort. We are escorted to a trail that will lead us into the forest cathedral on the property. It's a beautiful and peaceful sanctuary. We are cocooned in nature and the sunlight dapples through.

At the end of the altar is an elaborate canopy floral arch that has a decorative fire pit for the couple to take their 7 rounds around before they step into married life. Kate, Elliot, Mia and I take our seats on a bench that's close the front. We have almost front view to everything and I'm anxiously waiting to see Ana. The Indian priest makes his way down the altar with Kiran's parents. As everyone settles in, Scooter waits for Kiran and we hear the sitar player at the front of the altar start to play and the bride walks in with all of her brother and male cousins as they hold up a big red shawl over her head.

Kiran looks beautiful, she's adorned in the most ornate jewelry from her forehead to her neck with multiple layering of gold necklaces and a bright red outfit. The complete opposite of how she looked yesterday. She takes her place under the canopy and takes a seat with Scooter as the priest starts the ritual. 10 minutes go by and still no sign of Ana. I look to Kate and ask her, she smiles and tells me it won't be long till we see her.

Some more time passes and I'm about to lose it like the impatient motherfucker I am. I suddenly see something in my periphery and I see Ana walking in from the trail to the left of the altar, it's like she's in slow motion, a complete angelic vision in white, wearing what looks like a ball gown but in eastern fashion, similar in style to Kiran but much simpler, she glimmers under the dappled light and her skin glows. She looks to die for. Her hair loosely braided and swept to the side on her front. Adorned in gold jewelry, she's looks incredibly sophisticated. I'm momentarily lost. Ana takes her place by the musicians. Kate gives me a slight nudge in my shoulder and smiles.

As the priest finishes the round of prayers, the couple stand and we hear the sitar and guitar play followed by the table that eventually joins in. Ana takes one step forward and begins to sing, and it echoes across the forest, it's as if the world comes alive for her. She sounds like honey and she smiles as she sings, lightly swaying as a light breeze travels through our space. The couple take their 7 rounds around the fire as she sings. At one point, Nani and some other women and men stand and sway with their hands in the air to Ana singing, she beams and is suddenly overcome with emotion as she sings the last few notes. The couple finish their rounds in time with the song and everyone cheers. Ana, blows a kiss in Kiran's direction as she stands towards her right across from the altar at the front but not before looking back at the crowd and giving a signal. I see all the cousins who are strategically seated on the aisles get up and make their way to the front and stand on the far sides of the aisle some with and the others opposite to Ana

Once the couple walks out of the canopy hand in hand they are pronounced as married by the couple, they raise their hands in unison and every cheers, suddenly a song starts to blare through the speakers and all the cousins bend down to and head towards the couple dancing around them in a circle as they throw up rose petals. Ana leads the charge and she sways with eyes closed and spins around the couple with everyone, she's almost like a whirling dervish, a complete vision. I am at a loss of words. Everyone cheers. She dances her way back to Nani and her mom and brings them to join everyone. Scooter and Kiran sway holding each other and beaming, the music is full of happiness and warmth. It's impossible to not smile.

Ana gives the couple a big hug and then quickly runs up the altar with her cousin Karan and disappears heading back to the main area of the resort before the entire crowd gets up to head back for lunch.

We slowly walk back to the lunch area. Grace walks with me, holding on to my arm. "Wasn't that beautiful Christian, being in nature and god, Ana, what a voice and beauty. God's gift, wouldn't you agree?" She looks back up to me smiling. "It was a lovely ceremony." I nod. It was more than lovely, it was poetic, uplifting and a feast for the senses. I know what Grace is getting at, I can't give her the satisfaction right now. I need more time alone with Ana in our bubble.

The lunch area is set up at the Terrace bar on the resort, everyone settles to get their food and relax for the afternoon till the Sangeet starts. There are board games of different kinds set up for people to take part in, the winter sun illuminates everything and it's warm. I find Mia, Kate and Elliot sitting on the couches and chairs by the fireplace.

"I can't get over how Ana looked, she's looked and sounded like an angel. Where is she?" Mia gushes. "I know right, God I love that girl." Kate adds.

Where is she? I want to see her again.

I hear a bunch of kids yell "ANAPAAAAA" and my head whips in that direction. I see 4-5 kids run in Ana's direction and attack her with hugs and crouches down to their level and gives each and everyone of them big bear hugs and kisses, too many kisses, embarrassing them. She says hi to a couple of the guests and then looks around the room to find us. Our eyes lock and her face softens, she gives me a smile and walks over. She's all mine. I want her so badly right now.

"Hi guys, did you eat? Sorry I'm late, I had to do sound check with my cousin at the tent where the musicians are setting up" she says softly. Mia jumps up and hugs her "you sounded and looked so ethereal Ana. What were you singing and what does it mean?" she asks. Ana takes a seat next to Kate and rests her head on her shoulder.

"Oh it's an Indian song but kind of seconded as wedding vows almost, it was a surprise for Kiran she had no idea about the song or the dance at the end, I just wanted her to have a Bollywood moment." Ana and Kate laugh.

"Rough translation is;

These walls maybe weak but our love is true, the roof is not strong and that makes me sad. I promise to tell you everything, you'll live in my eyes and I'll laugh with you for life. I drank the holy water, I saw the essence of God within you and that is why I worship you. It's a happy day, God brought these two hearts together, it's time to celebrate their wedding day."

"God, that is so beautiful Ana." Mia says, she's so in love with the idea of love. I can see it. Ana reaches out her hand, signaling Mia to grab it and gives it a squeeze.

"Steele, you want to eat something?" Kate asks. "Yes please, I need to get my henna done so would like to stuff my face before my hands are out of commission for the next 3 hours." She laughs. Ana's cousin Priya comes up to us with a bowl and a tube of henna and sits on a stool next to Ana. She starts to apply henna on her hands. As the henna starts to dry a little, Ana takes a cotton ball from the bowl and applies a solution on to the green paste on her hands. Elliot asks her what's she's doing and she tell him that it's a mixture of lemon and sugar to help it dry faster and lock in the color.

"So Steele, why do your cousins call you Aanapa?" Elliot asks.

"Well, apa means older sister in hindi/urdu and calling me Ana apa, was just too long, so they just decided to call me aanapa as one word. Everyone in the family and the south Asian community calls me Aana since it's more natural for them to say it that way."

"Not gonna lie, Aanapa sounds like tapas!" Elliot laughs.

"Not everything that pops into your head needs to be said Elliot." Ana deadpans and then immediately giggles and I can't help but laugh. I love that she put him in his place.

"Fuck off Christian." Elliot laughs and Ana winks at me.

"I'm done Aanapa, do you like it?" Priya asks. "It's beautiful babies, thank you so much. Show me that cheek so I can embarrass you with kisses!" Priya reluctantly leans down and Ana gives her a big kiss and they both giggle. I love how affectionate she is with everyone. Ana, sinks in to the sofa, holding her hands out. It's comical. She looks like a lazy Queen as Kate feeds her. Mia climbs on the couch as well and cuddles with Ana as she's sandwiched between Kate and Mia. Elliot takes a quick picture of them talking to each other animatedly. Watching them is hilarious and endearing at the same time.

"Guys what time is it? I need to head out at 4:30pm" Ana asks.

"It's a little after 4." I tell her. She relaxes a little more. "Steele are you wearing the red or the pink ensemble tonight." Ana looks to Kate and arches an eyebrow and it's a secret communication. "YESSSS GIRL! I am so proud of you!" Ana giggles. I am desperate to know what that means.

Sometime passes and I tell Ana it's 4:30 and she sighs and makes her way to get up without use of her hands and forearms proceeds to fail spectacularly. She tries to stand and then immediately falls back down and then starts howling with laughter. "Yo Steele, you okay?" Elliot asks concerned. "Yeah I'm fine, my leg fell asleep and it just tickles plus that fall was embarrassing." Ana tries to calm her laughing. I can't help but smile, she's so adorable. Just as I resolve to get up and help her, Kate and Mia are back from the ladies room and help her stand. She gives them armless hugs and tells us she'll see us at 6pm. I watch her walk away, her skirt sways from side to side, she looks every bit the angel I know she is.

I can't wait to see her at the Sangeet later this evening.

* * *

**Authors Note: **Holy moly, what a confession.

Pinterest: I'm honestly at my wits end. I created some detailed boards for each chapter but some of you aren't able to find it. UGH. My username is paleseptember10 - www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - please do check out the Chapter 9 one to get a full scope of what the day looked like!

**Music:**

92 Explorer - Post Malone

Baby I'm a Fool - Melody Gardot

Kanda Kacheya - Jyotica Tangri Ft. Tarnvir Jagpal - song that Ana sings during the ceremony.

Kalank - Arjit Singh (3:48 onwards till the end): this plays when the couple is announced as married and all cousins dance around them.


	10. Chapter 10

Debbieg0379: The history with Vishaal and the intricacies of their situation will come through in Chapter 11 and more will be revealed as the story progresses. All I can say is that family is complicated but thank you for reviewing. I'm so glad you took the time to read! :)

DoloresDeeHowe: I promise to make their GEH adventures super fun even admist all the drama that will come their way.

Dseiladmnd: I'm honestly so proud of Christian. Even though I made him say everything. LOL

Parsons14: I'm so glad you like this version of these two crazy kids.

Mguerrero: So freaking happy you liked it. I had so much fun writing that part of the day.

To everyone else who reviewed showing their appreciation, thank you so much. I feel like i've found a new set of friends I get to share a fun secret with them everyday. You guys rock!

* * *

Chapter 10: Carefree Diva

_December 1__st__, 2019_

**CPOV**

It's 6pm as we make our way to tent setup behind the resort in a secluded area. The clear tent is illuminated with red and orange hued lights making it look like a slow burning ember against the backdrop of a dense and dark forest and it's breathtaking. We walk in and he scent of jasmine and roses fills the air and strings of marigolds and roses hanging from the ceiling, illuminated with candles and hanging light bulbs.

It's warm and seductive and smells like Ana. We are in her world.

I walk to the Bridal Party table and see Kate rearranging the seating assignments. As I get close, she smiles. "I fixed them" and she gives me a wink. I give her a nod.

"Grey, if you break her heart I will do everything in my power to tear you down. Ana didn't grow up like us, she's so incredibly pure of heart it actually hurts" And I have no doubt about it.

"I understand." I say. "Kate?" She looks back at me and I ask her "what's a Goa holiday?"

Her expression softens and she slides into the seat next to me.

"It's an antiquated concept among women in India. Women who are settling down for marriages with men they know they will have nothing in common with... they take a holiday to Goa, to have that one last perfect weekend, a memory that they can hold on to for the rest of their lives to cope with the disappointment of reality. But it can apply to anything."

I remain quiet. Kate continues "I know what she's thinking Grey, she's half expecting you to act like she never existed after you go back to Seattle, so she's using this as a defense mechanism to prepare herself for the worst because she doesn't see how phenomenal she is. She will literally take whatever she can get and make the most out of it and dare not ask for more. It's fucking stupid but I'll talk her out of it, don't worry."

"I appreciate that Kate." I give her a small smile. She winks back and gets up to go get a drink but words about Ana cut through me.

As everyone settles down to take their seats, Mia takes hers in front of mine and exclaims, "I just saw Ana, guys. HOLY HELL!"

"Oh you guys ain't see anything yet. She's gonna be a scorcher tonight" Kate says excitedly.

And now we wait. The suspense of it all is killing me.

The lights dim and the DJ announces "Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to the gorgeous Maid of Honor, Anastasia." Everyone claps and cheers and I see Ana walk in with a shy smile, everything slows down and nothing else matters anymore.

It's as if a crimson rose is blooming, floating in the air as her sari flows out from side to side as she walks to the center of the dance floor. As everyone cheers and whistles she does a twirl at the center and it's cinematic.

She's looks different, her skin slightly tan, crimson lips, smoky eyes and her hair, her fucking hair is blown out to perfection with a head piece that adorns her forehead and statement earrings. The sari cloth draped around her doesn't hide much of her torso and her blouse is deep enough to show the swell of her perfect breasts. It's like she wants me to die of a heart attack.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Adaab and Good Evening. Welcome to Kiran and Daniel's Sangeet. Tonight is all about dancing the night away and letting loose for a while. It's our last night here together so let's make the most of it. For those of you who are unfamiliar with South Asian traditions, I apologize in advance for the leg cramps and migraines that will follow after." She giggles and the room laughs.

"We're going to start the night off with the couple's first dance set to a song that talks about the celebration of a love story that people only dream about finding in their own lives."

She signals to Karan who makes his way from the bridal party table to the stage and they both take their places.

"This is gonna be so good. Hearing Ana practice this song for the past couple of months, she's sounds so freaking amazing." Kate claps in excitement.

The band starts to play, the piano first, followed by the sitar, then the warmth of the flute followed by Ana's voice fills the air with a angelic echo and even though I don't understand the words, I'm intoxicated. Her voice isn't as light and airy as before, it's more seductive, a little dark I feel it throughout my being. The whole room is silent and captivated by her. She tells a story with her voice and body as she lightly sways her hips and hands. I feel almost unworthy of being in her presence.

The married couple dances away as other couples slowly join them. I see Grace and Carrick smiling and dancing. Elliot and Kate go to join as well.

Ana sings and smiles as her hips lightly sway with the music and it's a sight for sore eyes. She looks to me and cocks her head to the side and smiles and she sings and my heart soars.

The song tempo changes and gets a little bit more upbeat and everyone around the room smiles and sways with delight as they reach the end. Ana and Karan take a bow and bands takes over continuing with music.

I watch as Ana walks across the dance floor towards us. It's almost Biblical as everyone parts to allow her to walk though. She's a vision and the English language fails me. She's so fucking hot and she looks so different. Each step she takes, the sari cascading and swaying around her creates the most exquisite movement.

Mia jumps up and brings in Ana for a hug and proceeds to squeeze the life out of her. Ana kisses her cheek and walks around, I get up to let her pass through to sit next to me, she thanks me with a smile and takes a seat. Kate gushes over Ana's look and Elliot flirt whistles in appreciation and Ana tells everyone to shut up and stop embarrassing her. She's so adorable.

Every now and then I steal a moment to reach through to across her lower back that's exposed thanks to this short blouse and low hanging sari, her skin is smooth and her breathing changes every time she feels my touch. It's such a turn on to see and feel her reaction to my touch.

We all sit and talk, joking about random things and I love easily conversation flows with Ana in the mix. She can talk about anything and if she isn't well versed in the subject she knows how to ask the right questions. She's whip smart and has great comedic timing. I get the feeling that we could never run out of things to talk about.

The band plays all kinds of different south asian songs and Ana translates them for us, traditional south asian appetizers come through and each one tastes better than the last.

The couple takes the center of the dance floor and calls to everyone's attention. They start off by thanking everyone and their families for supporting them throughout their lives. Kiran then takes a few minutes to thank Ana.

"Ana my love, please stand up" Kiran asks and Ana nervously stands and looks embarrassed. _My beautiful girl, always running away from praise._

"Ladies and gentlemen, everything you can taste, smell, hear and touch here this weekend is because of that beautiful young woman right there. She took my barebones wedding ideas and constant indecisiveness and created this exquisite wedding weekend oasis for us. She planned it all, down to every last flower petal and fork. For those of you who have read your programs you will see that she hand wrote every single's persons name in Hindi, that's her level of dedication and perfection."

I quickly look down to my program and see my name written in Hindi and run my fingers over it. I see a little note slipping out of the pocket. And it's a small card that reads in beautiful cursive "I can't wait to see you. Love, Your Ana" — it's such a small gesture of love that speaks volumes; she'll never cease to amaze me. I take it and put it in my pocket.

"One wonders what she'd cook up for her own wedding, by the way fellas she's single! So hurry and apply." Kiran cheers

The room erupts in laughter and we hear a few whistles from the audience.

Ana quickly interjects "Ahem, application season is over. Y'all missed the deadline and if and when my time comes I'm gonna elope with a taco truck in tow."

Everyone laughs again and she winks at Kiran.

"I love you Ana, thank you for making this weekend the best of my life. You are the light of my eyes and the blue of my skies. Sada khush raho meri jaan" _May you be happy forever my love._

I look up and Ana is crying as Kate squeezes her hand as everyone applauds and cheers Ana.

"Ana, what did she say at the end? It sounded so beautiful." Mia asks.

"Oh, she said may you be happy forever my love." Ana says as she wipes her tears.

Dinner arrives and it's a feast fit for kings. It's a mix of Turkish and Indian food served family style to honor the couples favorite foods and it's all fantastic. I ask Ana how she landed and menu and she tells is it took her two weeks of takeout to figure out what went with what and she's sure she gained 10lbs during that time.

As we finish our dinner and relax, for a bit waiting for coffee and tea with desserts to make it's rounds the DJ announces it's time for the dances.

"Elliot, you ready to rock and roll?" Ana asks.

"Bring it on Steele." Elliot laughs.

Ana looks to me and gives me a smile before leaving.

The choreographed dances are incredible. Ana stands out in all of them, she can move like no other. Kate, Mia and Kiran are a close second and I know I'm biased.

They start of with a huge group dance all set to indian music, the couple and the bridal party, it's too many moving parts and a lot them mess up but the fun is there, Ana can't stop laughing and she looks so full of life, I always want to see her like this.

Ana and Elliot dance their short solo and Elliot is shit out of luck trying and failing to keep with Ana. She relents starts to freestyle to let him off the hook and then pulls him for a hug; it's a joy to see how they've bonded so well.

After a while Kiran and Ana dance a two song medley and it's the hottest thing I've ever seen. It starts off with a song in french followed by hindi

Ton sourire m'ensorcelle. _Your smile bewitches me_

Je suis fou de toi. _I am crazy about you_

Le desir coule dans mes veines. _Desire flows through my veins,_

Guide par ta voix. _Guided by your voice _

Oh Miss Steele, J'ai désespérément besoin de toi. _I desperately need you._

Ana moves like she's a slow burning fire that grows more and more intense as the songs progress. Like literal sex on the dance floor. The lights are dim and everything is bathed in a red hue for this performance. They end their performance with the most seductive move, arching their bodies all the way back, hands almost touching the ground that makes the entire room gasp and whistle and cheer as they slowly come back up swaying their hips. It's sensuality at it's best.

My pants are tight and I need relief. Fuck. I dread to think if anyone else has had the same reaction to see her. _She's mine_. And _mine_ only.

After the performance is over Ana remains on the dance floor and is joined by Kate and Mia as they dance to a 3-song medley, perfectly in sync. They stand close together as if attached to the hip and move in unison. I'm almost pissed that Mia is dancing like this but she's having so much fun with Ana and Kate that I have to ignore the blatant innuedo of how they're dancing.

The dance floor opens to dance offs after the choreographed dances end. It's the guys versus girls.

Ana gets called in after a bit and has a dance off with Karan they freestyle against each other for a minute and then turn away from each other trying to get the crowd riled up and lyrics of course leaving nothing to the imagination and doing me no fucking favors as I try to control myself.

_I got no rules tonight, boy, I rule your kingdom  
Shaking my goods, you enjoy, I feel you linger  
I want ya, I want ya, I want ya  
You know that, you know that I love this  
Feeling my skills, I let 'em show, li-licking your finger_

_La isla bonita  
Let me be your carefree diva  
Drowning all the butterflies inside  
Every time that you drink up_

...and then as the beat drops and the chorus comes through, they suddenly dive into an intense choreographed routine and the whole crowd goes wild for them. Her body is incredible as she moves and the dance is the complete opposite of her routine with Kiran. This is intricate, aggressive and fast with the footwork and the way she moves her hips... _fuckkkk_. Karan and her move all across the floor together and it's hypnotic. All of these guys are fantastic dancers. Elliot, the over enthusiastic fucker that he is, yells out cheering Ana like a fucking frat boy and then looks and raises his eyebrows suggestively at me. I try to stifle a grin but taking a sip of my drink. _Nice try, Lelliot._

_Diva (Diva), diva  
Diva, carefree diva (Yeah)  
Looking for a carefree diva  
Diva (Diva), diva  
Diva, carefree diva (Woo)  
Looking for a carefree diva_

Mia looks at me and nudges my shoulder and gives me a wink. I roll my eyes at her but can't help and two are out to get me. Ana walks back towards us smiling and joins us as we watch Kate and Elliot face each other in a dance off and it's hilarious. She screams cheering for Kate. We stand around for a few more battles and then walk back together to the table she drinks some water and holds my hand under the table.

"I feel guilty for not spending time with you." She says looking straight ahead.

The DJ spins into the next song we hear the beginnings of 92 explorer blare through the speakers. Ana's breathing changes and I feel her skin catch fire with whatever little contact I have with her. Her body is attuned to me in so many ways already.

She looks at me and I can tell she desperately needs me just as I need her but here we are, breathing changed and unable to do anything. "They're playing our song Mr. Grey" she cocks her head to one side holding my gaze and it's such a dangerous look. I lean into her ear, lightly grazing it "I can't to be wait to be inside you tonight... watching you on the dance floor as you bent your delectable body all the way back to the floor and moved those hips... I almost came, Miss Steele."

She shifts in her seat and clenches her thighs and moans as she takes a breath in and tries to recover. I love seeing her body come alive in front of me.

She looks back me, her eyes full of lust and she smiles at me as we hear Mia's piercing voice "BANANA come back and join us." Christ she can be annoying.

Ana looks at her and signals asking for minute as she drinks some water. She looks to me before leaving.

"Meet me in my room in 10 minutes." she says before leaving and as she walks away she looks back seductively.

_I'm one lucky son of a bitch._

I try to recover myself and walk over to Grace and Carrick to see how they're doing with all the noise and they're loving every second of it. I tell them I'm going out for a break to take a call.

It's a short walk to Ana's cottage from this part of the resort.

I get to her room and make myself a drink as I wait. I don't have to wait long as I hear the door open 5 mins later.

She looks breath taking.

"Miss Steele, how very brazen of you."

"Mr. Grey, something came to my attention and I wanted to address it immediately." She says innocently batting her eyelashes and biting her lip.

We're still about 5 feet apart from each other and the energy in the air is palpable. She slowly walks around, takes the glass and puts it on the coffee table and pushes me on to the couch and then lowers herself on my lap.

She pulls the lapels of my jacket and kisses me hard biting my lower lip, as I grip her hips and grind her against my erection. It's painfully sweet.

"What came to your attention Miss Steele?" I ask between kisses.

She reaches down and unzips my pants running her hands along my dick and it throbs and begs for more. .

"The realization that I desperately need you to fuck me Mr. Grey" she moans between kisses and I press into her hips tighter making her gasp.

"Hmmm I can take care of you baby. All you have to do is ask." I reach down between her legs and feel she has no panties on. She gasps throwing her head back at the sensation.

"Had you told me you had no panties on, I would've fucked you on the dance floor."

"Christian, I need you... please..." She begs and kisses me again.

"Baby when you dance, how can you move like that?" I ask between kisses.

She licks my lips "you sure know how to give a girl a compliment Mr. Grey, plus, yoga and pilates really help" she giggles.

Yoga and pilates? That gives me so many ideas for the future; it's going to be fun getting to know what more her body can do.

I lift her and position myself at her opening and slowly pull her down.

She throws her head back and moans "oh fuck... yesss" as grinds herself.

"Feel me baby, feel all of me" my breathing is ragged as a tilt my pelvis up.

Her blouse is low enough in the front for me to free her breasts and have my way with them. She bucks forward gasping.

She starts to pick up her pace and I meet her thrust for thrust. It's hard, fast and raw. She pulls my face up to kiss me, hands in my hair pulling me, we're all tongues and moans, as I massage her clit and press her hip into me as she grinds.

I feel her about to come and I lift my pelvis to push into her more with every thrust.

"Come for me Ana, let me hear you scream my name" I say through gritted teeth.

She let's go and I bite her nipple as her orgasm rips through her "CHRISTIAN..." she screams, her breathing hard and loud, gasping for air as I push into her for my own release which is just as sweet. "You're mine Ana... only mine" I breathe.

"Yes... only yours..." she pants back.

Her forehead rests against mine as she regains control on her breathing. I kiss her and she's in a daze as she opens her eyes with a lazy smile on her face.

"Feeling any better Miss Steele?"

"Hmm, thank you for letting me take advantage of you Mr. Grey, though I fear I'm quite addicted to this feeling. I want more of it." she gives me another kiss, long and deep as she wraps her arms around my neck.

"I want more of you, always." I say between kisses and she giggles.

She breaks away and looks down at me "I got my lipstick all over you Mr. Grey!"

We get up to go clean ourselves and she takes a makeup wipe to the lipstick off of my face and then reapplies hers.

"If only I wasn't wearing this lipstick, I kiss that gorgeous face again" she tiptoes with her arms around my neck.

I kiss the corner of her mouth and trail more kisses down her neck and bite her earlobe and she moans.

"The color of the henna is so intense on your hands, even Kate and Mia don't have it this dark." I ask her.

"They say when you're in love, the color of the henna becomes intense and dark." She smiles at me. I lean in give her a small kiss. "My whole world is now filled with intense color thanks to you, Ana." I say and tears form in her eyes.

"Come on, let's get you back on that dance floor wench or they'll send a search party for us!" I say as I slap her ass and she giggles.

I call out to Ana just before she leaves the bedroom and she looks back "hmmm?"

"You look so beautiful tonight, I almost died when you walked in for the introduction but there's something different about you,"

She looks puzzled then laughs. "I guess because I usually wear conservative stuff and this is a bit racy?"

"No it's not that, it's in your eyes."

She walks back and smiles pulling my face down to her level and gives me a small quick kiss "it's the Christian Grey effect."

...

I get back to the tent and the dance party is in full swing. They've moved on from Indian music to Spanish music. I spot Mia and Ana dancing away and performing the shit out of the songs. I stop by Grace and Carrick and we talk about the flight schedule for them to head out.

Cardi B blares through the speakers and I Mia, Ana and Kate jump on the stage and act out the song in the most outrageous way. I have to laugh, and Grace puts her hand on my shoulder and gives me a wink. "Mom don't" I say trying to shut it down. "Don't fight it Christian, let life happen." she gives my hand a squeeze. I smile back at her.

I see the girls make their way back to the table with Elliot and Ana looks around for me, a little worried. When I walk into her line of sight she gives me the biggest smile and I wink at her. It feels unbelievable.

The Indian desserts come through with a special tea smells and it all taste divine. Ana tells us that it's called Kashmiri Tea and it's something the family grew up drinking, since they hail from the Kashmir region in terms of their heritage but settled in India, another reason why they look much lighter than most people of Indian origin.

She tells us to choose between sprinkling sugar or salt in it. I choose salt and she picks sugar. It tastes good she then offers me some of hers holding the cup up to me with both hands and I take a sip from it and I end up liking it far more and she smiles.

Sean Paul's 'Get Busy' starts playing and oddly enough Ana and Elliot are the only ones to show excitement and proceed to sing along in the most overtop way making us all laugh like children. I don't want this night to ever end.

Ana goes up to the DJ asking him to play some reggae and pulls she Mia up with her. God the girl has so much energy. She gives everyone so much life. I want her again. My mind starts to wonder the possibilities with her and all the possible ways I could make her come. I'd never be able to get enough of her.

She comes back to the table and asks me the time, I tell her it's 10:30pm and she sighs.

"Guys, my brain says let's dance but my body is like please shut the fuck up" Ana whines and Kate laughs.

"You gotta pace yourself Steele, remember what the doctor said."

"Kate I never get to dance like this. I can't afford to go to clubs so I gotta get my fix at family weddings" Ana laughs a little deliriously.

"Ana, I have an in at a club, i'll take you the next time I go!" Mia offers and gives me a wink.

"You're my new best friend Mia. Bye Kate." We all chuckle.

"Kate... it's go time." Ana looks to her and Kate nods. Ana runs up and disappears from view a for a few minutes and then walks back holding a pair of shoes and carries an empty chair, while Kate carries another empty chair towards the middle of the dance floor in the middle of all the dancers doing their thing. Ana signals the DJ to cut the music and grabs a hold of the mic.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention please... it's the time of the night where we play a game called Joota Chupai, which means 'hiding the shoes' and in this case, I have the grooms shoes!" She raises them above her head. "For a small fee, the groom will be able to buy back his shoes and be _'allowed'_ to take his bride away, cause if he don't pay... he don't get to play!" she laughs and the whole room roars in laughter.

All the cousins and bridal party gather around Scooter and Kiran sitting on the two empty chairs in the middle of the dance floor. And some of the other guests gather around too. "Okay so how do we do this, brides side vs grooms side or girls vs. guys? I'm open to either." After some deliberation it's decided it'll be boys vs. girls. All the guys stand behind the couple while the girls stand and sit in front of the couple. It's pin drop silence in the room and Ana begins.

"Okay so, if you want you shoes back and want to take Kiran home, you gotta pay us $15,000."

"WHAT... no. That's outrageous." Scooter counters.

"Steele, that is INSANE." Elliot pipes up.

"This is NORMAL and I know your net worth, 15k is chump change." Everyone laughs and god she's such a ball of energy.

"Screw this, I'm bringing in the big guns. GREY, where are you?" Scooter looks around for me and when he finds me he signals me to come over and stand behind him.

Ana rolls her eyes. "Christian is going to be my negotiator." Scooter states.

"Is this really how you're going to play this Daniel? REALLY?" She asks annoyed.

"Yes. I am. I'm allowed to assign someone to negotiate for me. You told me that."

"Fine. State your qualifications, negotiator." She looks at me and crosses her arms, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, Miss Steele. I'm an expert at mergers and acquisitions; I run my own company in Seattle... I happen to do very well for myself and I intend to get my client the best possible deal tonight. There's no way I'm letting him pay $15,000. As was said before, it's outrageous." She tries to suppress a smile and cocks her head to one side as everyone cheers and tries to goad her.

"Is that so? Well in that case, two very important things; Dorothy, you're not in Seattle anymore. This is my turf and I run this show so when I say that you will pay $15,000 in cold hard cash, then you will pay that $15,000 in Cold. Hard. Cash." She enunciates each word and hearing her say the word hard, makes my cock stiffen. FUCK MY LIFE. The crowd around us roars and Elliot nudges my arm and mouths Dorothy at my face. Fucker.

"Second, my family is here right now, you can ask my cousins, I have extracted close to $40,000 from one groom while playing this game so, trust me, I'm going very easy on your client because I actually like him. You will do well to advise him to pay up."

I snort. "Hell no. You're out of your mind. $5000 and we can end this right here."

"Tut Tut Tut. Perhaps I can convince your client otherwise." She looks to Daniel and smiles sweetly "Mr. Wetherington, you'll do well to listen very carefully to the next 4 words that come out of my mouth: Last. Night. Girl. Talk." She holds up a finger for each word.

Scooters eyes go wide and the crowd around us starts to cheer and yell.

"Bullshit, you're bluffing." I counter.

"Bluffing is for amatuers, Mr. Grey" She bites back trying to suppress a smile and then looks down to Scooter, raising an eyebrow.

"What the hell Kiran?" Scooter looks to her trying not to laugh and Kiran loses her shit.

"$7500, final offer." I say.

Ana scoffs. "Okay everybody, let's get a round of shots cause we're about to have story time with Aana and trust me when I say... it's good."

"FUCK THIS. FINE. I WILL PAY." Scooter throws his hands up. And everyone screams and claps.

"MAMA'S GOING SHOPPING THIS WEEK!" She yells.

"SCOOTER YOU FUCKING PANSY" I yell and we all laugh.

"You play a dirty game Steele." Elliot says laughing.

"Not as dirty as some people played last night." She says raising her eyebrows and shrugging one shoulder and everyone loses their shit. I can't help but laugh out loud, Elliot and I almost fall into each other. I honestly didn't know Scooter had it in him. She raises her hands and Kate and Mia both give her high fives. God, she's so out of my league.

Once the cash is brought over and counted. Ana quickly distributes among the unmarried female cousins and female members of the bridal party and returns the shoes to Daniel and gives him a big hug. The crowd breaks away and the dance floor opens again.

...

I walk into the room and I hear Ana humming to herself in the bathroom and I see take off her jewelry one at a time and gently place them counter. She told me each piece was a family heirloom much like the choker she wore on Friday.

I go in and put my arms around her and nuzzle in her neck and kiss her

She squeals and tries to escape "Noooo i'm all sweaty from the dancing and I probably smell."

"You smell like roses and jasmine to me." She looks up. "You're crazy Mr. Grey"

"Crazy for you, Ms. Steele, crazy for you."

"Come sit with me, I have to drink this entire bottle of water before I sleep."

She goes on to explain to me that she hasn't been good with her water intake since Friday morning and with all the physical activity with the wedding she's almost certain to get excruciating leg cramps while sleeping.

"You need to take better care of yourself baby" I scold and kiss her hair as she half lays with her back against my chest on the sofa."

"I know, I just forget in all the excitement."

"Want me to massage your legs?"

"That's very kind of you Mr. Grey but I will be fine. I promise." She lifts my hand and kisses it and the smallest of gestures from her mean so much.

"You're quite the negotiator Miss Steele, I've never lost on such a public forum before. I have to say I'm conflicted."

"Failure is never an option for me." She laughs "No, this was all fun and games... real life shit, I couldn't pull this off." She giggles and looks back. "I'm so glad you participated. I wasn't expecting Scooter to do that but I'm glad he did. I love this memory of us." I lean in and kiss her.

"I love it too but I think you could really pull it off in the real world too. I should give you a promotion and have you negotiate deals with Ros for me. I'll happily retire."

"Sure, I'll take that with a hefty pay raise, besides you're an old fart now... let the young people take care of things." She laughs and I grab her chin and turn her face to me again as I pepper kisses on her lips.

"So did you really have dirt on Scooter?"

"Unfortunately yes. Kiran, much like Kate is an oversharer. Hearing their sexcapades used to be the bane of my existence since I was such a prude but since junior year I've become i'm a grade A pervert thanks to Kate. I take no prisoners during girl talk but don't worry, I don't kiss and tell when it comes to myself. I'm super private that way." She laughs and I have to chuckle.

"Miss steele, I have to say I'm really intrigued now. Just how perverted are you?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not match for you. Men have really cornered the market in this particular area."

"True. You have no idea what I can come up with for you."

"Oh god. I don' t wanna know. Spare me the details. I'm too tired right now" She laughs and I kiss her temple.

"That song you sang today was so beautiful. Your voice sounded so different. I'd love to hear a translation."

"I think it sounds different because of the language, I mean, when I sing south asian songs, it definitely feels different, like if singing western songs is like cotton candy then singing hindi songs is like caramel? Different texture and weight? Or maybe the difference between heart and soul." She muses.

"That's quite a description Miss Steele, but yeah I get it." She giggles and continues to drink her water. After a beat, she gets up and turns around places her legs in my lap and scoots in closer to me as I put my arm around her.

"So about the song, it was a mashup of two songs, the first half is my absolute favorite the second was okay too but lyrically the first half of the song was stronger."

She sings each line and then translates.

_"Baatein teri karte hue_

_Thak ke so jaati hoon sirhaane aasmaan_

I fall alseep talking about you with my head in the clouds

_Jaane kahaan mur jaati hain_

_Dekhte dekhte tujhe yeh galiyaan_

As I stand here waiting for you I wonder where these paths in front of me lead to.

_Teri tarah khushbu chale_

_Taare hamaari tarah raaton se mile_

The sweet smell of a breeze reminds me of you, the stars meet with the night just like we do.

_Suni nahi zamaane ne teri meri kahaaniyaan_

_Karde koyi nawaazishen karam mehrbaaniyaan_

The world hasn't heard a love story the likes of ours

Wish someone would show us kindness and mercy

_Yeh aarzu thi ki dekhe yeh duniya_

_Hum jaisa koi deewaana hi nahi_

This line is actually my absolute favorite. And I sang it so much that now Kate gas memorized it. Poor thing, I drove her mad I think. It means;

the wish was that the world could see

That there are no two such crazy lovers as you and me

"You can drive me crazy singing that line all you want" I caress her cheek and play with her hair as she smiles shyly and sings some more.

"_Raat andheri mein chup rahe the _

_Gum ek savera dhoond rahe the Sadiyon se jaise jaag rahe the Pyaar ko apne dhaanp rahe the_

We were hiding in the night

Trying to chase the lost dawn

It was as if we had been sleepless for centuries

We were only hiding and protecting our love.

Phir gir pare Koyi mila naa sahaara kya karein

Then we missed a step

There was no one to save us from stumbling

Suni nahi zamaane ne teri meri kahaaniyaan

The world has never heard a tale such as ours.

The second part of the song was just a variation of saying i'll always remember your love, my heart will never let me forget.

The end!" She giggles.

I lean in and shower lights kisses on her face, ending with a long and deep kiss.

"Always distracting me Mr. Grey." She smiles sleepily.

We talk about the wedding some more and she explains the traditions to me as I rub her back and she continues to finish drinking her water.

"Okay I'm finally done, can we have a bath?"

"Of course we can baby." I stand and lead her to the bathroom.

As we pass the walk-in closet, Ana suddenly screams in agony and grips her left hip, falling to the ground. My heart falls into my stomach as I see her in pain and crying. "What happened baby, tell me" I am panicking and take my phone to call 911 but she stops me with her hand.

"Counter, makeup bag, percocet. Please." She screams, crying.

I rush up and give her the open bottle as she takes one and slumps down into a fetal position crying uncontrollably and shivering, her eyes tightly shut I try to pick her up and she stops me saying it'll hurt more and that she has to wait till it subsides before she moves.

I stay with and take my jacket off to wrap her in it, caressing her face trying to soothe her in some way. She looks so small and it breaks my heart.

Her breathing calms down a bit and she opens her eyes and stares at the floor.

"Can you do me a favor?" She asks in the smallest voice.

"Anything baby..." She asks me to go in the walk in closet and take out the pack of Epsom salt from her carry on and start a hot bath.

When I look back I see she's trying to get up but falls back down silently crying in pain.

"Ana, I can call mom and she'll come take a look at you, please baby." I plead.

"No it's too late plus this happens sometimes, I'll be okay in a bit, I promise. Don't worry."

I sit next to her for a while. And she asks me to get her makeup wipes. I tell her I'll wipe her face but she insists on doing it herself.

"This has happened many times Christian, once I was carrying my laundry basket in my apartment and it happened. So I lay on the ground folded an entire load. It happened my first week at GEH, it's happened in most random places" She giggles through the tears and I can see she's starting to feel a little better. She's so strong, _my girl is such a fighter._

She tries to get up and she fares a bit better this time around but I stop her and lift her in arms and walk her close to the tub, helping her out of her clothes and get into the bath. She lays against the tub and I sit outside next to her and caress her face as a new wave of tears flow.

"Does it still hurt Ana?"

"No that much right now but the pain is a reminder of such a dark time in my life, I've mostly been alone when this happens and every time I think I'll end up dying because it's too much." She sobs and it breaks my heart.

"Why do you get them?"

"Well I haven't exactly been relaxing this weekend." She giggles a bit "it always a mixture of exhaustion, lack of water and, or nerves." She explains.

"What happened when you went through this at GEH? Where were you, why didn't you call for help?".

"Well now that I think back on it's quite hilarious how it happened." she offers a small smile. "It was my 4th day at GEH and I was Mr. Travis's second assistant. Ali the first assistant had realized she forgot to give Mr. Travis some docs for his meeting with you about the initial meeting about Gotha when you guys were first thinking about acquiring them, so she asked me to go and deliver it to conference room A on our floor. As I walked over, I heard you scream at everyone about being unprepared and you were storming out, and I quickly turned my back to you as you passed me, I was completely frozen in the hallway, and you were still yelling while Ros followed behind you. I was terrified and quickly walked to my desk and as I was about to sit down the pain shot up."

"I'm so sorry Ana."

"No, don't be silly. Listen I was already in a bad spot. I knew I didn't fit in at GEH..."she giggles some more "...I was dealing with the demons of comparison against everyone plus it's so fast paced, it took a while to get my bearings. Now I'm okay. Now, I hear you scream on the speakerphone and I roll my eyes and tune it out." She laughs. God, she's adorable.

"God I'm a real shit I when I yell at them, aren't I?"

"I don't agree with your methods but I also understand the pressure you're under so I guess we all process differently. I will say though I'd pray everyday before coming I to work that I never run into you. I was terrified of you and of course the ONE DAY I didn't pray because I didn't think you'd be in, given thanksgiving... I meet you." She laughs.

"Thank god for that!" I chuckle. "Though I'm a little sad I got written of before that." I feign hurt.

"HR drilled it into my head. There's an unofficial mantra for all the female employees; _stay away from grey_. And I was hell bent on following it but fate had other plans" she traces my lips with her fingers. "Though the entire female population under 45 at work is obsessed with you it's hilarious, people thought I was insane for not wanting to entertain any girl talk about you."

"Was I that much of a turn off?"

"No but why talk about something that so far from your reality? I mean, I've seen the women who work at GEH, if you didn't go for any of them or anyone who looked like them, what chance could I possibly have? I'm pretty realistic with my life expectations Mr. Grey."

"You're to too self critical baby and you're the first straight woman to have resisted me I think. I was a little offended when you barely acknowledged me on Friday when you were talking to mom and dad after Elliot and Mia introduced you."

She laughs out loud "Well firstly, I wasn't expecting you because Mia entered her name as grayson in my phone in Cabo and I never thought about it after but then she explained why she did afterwards on Friday and I totally understood. So, there was no way I could've anticipated you would show up and when you did and of course it threw me off... and I didn't want an HR situation and get fired. I've heard the stories of how you've shut down women who acted too friendly with you at work. I wanted no part of that. No, thank you!" she laughs.

"Well, I'm glad this all happened the way it did and you didn't run away from me again." I say as I brush my knuckles against her cheek and she smiles.

"I'm glad you didn't stay away, Mr. Grey...can we go to bed?"

"We can do anything you want baby." I help her out of the tub and dry her off, helping her into clothes and carry her to bed.

I change out if my clothes and climb on to bed and pull her to me, her back to my front and kiss her neck.

She turns to me and kisses me deeply. "Thank you for taking care of me and loving me."

"Thank you for letting me, baby. It's all I want to do for you." I kiss her again.

She puts her arms around me and nuzzles in my neck as I kiss her forehead and we eventually fall asleep.

* * *

**Authors note:** I hope you liked this chapter and that Christian got to actually participate in the wedding too. They have another public memory, yay!

Also, in order to understand what Ana's crimson sari looked like, you'll have to go to my pinterest page listed below, please look for Pale September10 in 'people' when using the search bar. I have a board with the story name. It has sectons for each chapter. In Chapter 10, if you scroll down you'll see a pin for the crimson sari, it's an instagram video, watch the woman spin around in the ensemble... it's so beautiful! Otherwise you can search on google: amrita thakur red saree and it should be the first image result of a woman standing next to a pale green table. click on it and it will link to the video.

I'm going to posting chapter 11 tomorrow or Tuesday and then I have to be away for two weeks and won't have reliable internet or access to my laptop. I didn't want to leave you guys hanging. Chapter 11 will conclude the wedding part of their story. Next part of the story, chapter 12 onwards will pick up from APOV during her week in SF and then her returning to Seattle and everything GEH + Chrisitians therapy sessions.

**Pinterest: **www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - be sure to check out the board for chapter 10 that has all the vibes for what the night looked like.

**Music:**

Tera Woh Pyar (Nawazashein Karam) - Momina Mustehsan & Asim Azhar | Coke Studio Season 9 - First song dance sung by Ana and Karan.

Sadi Gali - Lehmber Hussainpuri / Tanu Weds Manu - Bridal Party Group Dance.

Munni Badnaam Hui - Manta Sharma, Aishwarya - Ana's dance with Elliot.

Nashe Si Chadh Gayi - Arjit Singh + Dilbar - Satyameva - Kiran and Ana's dance two song medley.

Loyal - PARTYNEXTDOOR, Drake + Mi Gente - J Balvin + Aa Toh Sahi - Meet Bros, Neha Kakkar, Roach Killa - Ana, Kate & Mia's 3 song dance medley.

Diva - Aazar, Swae Lee, Tove Lo - Ana and Karan's choreographed dance during the dance off.


	11. Chapter 11

**I'm so glad you all liked Christian's participation in the wedding game from the last chapter. I had a lot of fun writing that. As mentioned, this will be the last chapter for the next 2 weeks. I shall start posting again by 3/18/2020. More notes at the end of this page. Stay safe everyone and I shall see you again in a bit.**

**As for chapter 11: trigger warning, there is mention of sexual abuse.**

* * *

**Chapter 11 – You're my golden hour**

_December 2__nd__, 2019._

**CPOV:**

I hear the phone ring and feel Ana stir to pick it up, whispering and running her fingers through my hair. I could definitely wake up to this feeling everyday.

"Good morning, Isla... is everything okay? Sure... what time is it? 8ish? Okay... I'll try to be there by 9:30 at the latest... oh god yeah I think I went overboard but it was the last night so we had to go out with a bang. You guys did such a great job, please let me know where to write all the reviews, I'll do that asap...really? when? Well you have my number and you absolutely have to call me when you visit, we'll make a girls night of it...okay perfect, the garden will be lovely for breakfast today... oh god, really? I adore you guys, that's so sweet. That's going to be the highlight of my day, I've been craving that. I haven't found a place that does that combo of pressed juice... No girl, Seattle is just dreary all the time but all my favorite people are there so I gotta deal..." she giggles and continues "okay great I'll see you soon, girl."

I love hearing her talk to people and being so animated. I open one eye to see her looking at something on her phone and texting with one hand while still running her fingers through my hair.

"I'm sorry I slept on your stomach."

She looks down and smiles "it's all good Mr. Grey, I'm sorry if I woke you..." I move to lift her shirt and plant kisses on her stomach leading up to her breasts and she squeals and giggles trying to stop me "Chrisitan... stop... please... Christian." She's out of breath. I stop and go in to plant kisses on her neck, up to her jawline finishing with a big wet kiss on her lips and she giggles in return.

"Is it bad that I don't want to go and be hostess for the farewell breakfast?"

"You've done so much already baby, I say... take a break. Stay in bed with me."

"That' is a tempting offer Mr. Grey but I guess I really should go. It's only until 12:30pm anyway... . if you're not busy can we go somewhere today? I want to leave this resort already." She laughs.

"Whatever you want. Elliot, Kate and Mia were saying we should drive up the coast and take in some of the sights, would you like that?"

"I would love that!" she beams.

We both lie in bed for a bit and then move to get ready.

As we stand in the bathroom getting ready. Ana is unusually quiet, she just quiet hums to the music playing. She carefully starts packing her things, gently putting everything away and in some instances she looks so sad. I'm torn between showering her with kisses and letting her be. I decide to let her be, maybe she needs this. Once she's done, she goes to change into her outfit for the day. It's a beautiful white dress that makes her look the young and innocent girl she really is. She finishes doing her hair and ties it with a black ribbon.

"Miss Steele."

"Mr. Grey?" she says distracted, applying some blush to her cheeks.

"You look so angelic in that ensemble, I feel like corrupting you."

She laughs out loud and there's the girl I fell in love. "You can corrupt me later Mr. Grey, corrupt me all you like."

"You're so quiet this morning, is everything okay?" I ask

"Yeah, why?"

"Well you're usually singing and talking, and I thought maybe you're still in pain."

"Oh! No, I was just concentrating and doing a mental checklist in my head, what to pack, figuring out my schedule for the rest of the week... etc. I'm done with all that now."

"What is the rest of your week look like?"

"Well..." she hesitates then takes a breath..."I'm going to stay with Nani and Mama at the family house in SF. I fly back to Seattle on Saturday."

I can feel my body tense up. "Will Vishaal be around?"

"He's not supposed to be, he's supposed to leave for India on Tuesday night with Uncle Rish."

"I don't like him Ana, there's something seriously off about the guy."

Ana takes a deep breath and looks away. "We should get going, it's almost 9:30."

...

I'm sitting with Elliot, Mia and Kate in the garden for breakfast when Ana finally joins us. She walks to us distracted, shivering and takes a seat between Kate and I. She shakily opens her bag and takes out a pill bottle; I remember that it's the Percocet from last night. She takes one and swallows and closes her eyes as a tear falls. She turns to Kate and whispers her name, gripping the chair and bending down into a shoulder. Kate panics.

"Ana, baby what's happening?" Ana doesn't make a sound and I put my hand on the small of her back and lean to try and see her face and I can tell she's trying not to scream from the pain with her eyes tightly shut and face tense but within seconds she faints and falls but Kate catches her, looking up to me with fear in her eyes.

"Elliot, get mom, NOW!" I bark. Elliot runs in double time to get mom. Mia is stunned to silence.

"What happened to her Christian?" I move in to pick up Ana and put her down on one of the chaise lounges in the garden. I tell Kate that the same thing happened last night but she didn't pass out but was able to take the Percocet and I drew a bath for her with Epsom salt and seemed fine this morning.

Mom comes rushing with Ana's mom Nita and I'm trying my best to keep my emotions in check.

"What happened to her?" I look to Kate and she realizes that I can't say anything.

"Grace, she got a searing pain in her hip and passed out just as she took a Percocet. Same thing happened last night but she was able to take a Percocet and have an Epsom salt bath. Right now she's was trying to not make a sound when the pain shot up"

Nita starts crying and pretty soon, some more people show up. Grace asks that we move to a private area. Vishaal is standing behind Nita and offers to pick up Ana, before I can punch his fucking face, Kate barks at him and says Elliot will instead. I thank god Ana has her in her corner.

I slip Ana's room key to Kate as she grabs Ana's bag and we all walk with Elliot back to her room and he lays her on the bed. Kate, Mia, Elliot and I wait in the living area of her cottage. They ask what happened and Kate tells them that Ana has been dealing with hip pains like that since her accident but they only happen when she's overwhelmed, tired or not eating, drinking enough water based on what Ana has told her. Sometimes her body can't take the pain.

After a while, Nita comes out crying and thanks us for helping out. She goes back in and Grace comes out shortly after, and tells us Ana will be fine but they called paramedics just in case. Grace tells us that sometimes searing pain from past trauma can cause fainting episodes especially in cases of exhaustion and given Ana's schedule this weekend emotionally and physically, it's not uncommon. She just needs an IV, hydration and rest.

My entire body is numb and I feel so helpless. I hate this feeling. Grace asks me to join her out on the terrace.

"Christian, are you okay, son?

"Yeah mom, why do you ask?" I try to keep it cool.

"Because I know what you feel something for her. " Grace smiles wistfully and puts her hand on my cheek. I lean in.

"Mom, I'm trying but she asked me to not act too familiar around her family, some complicated issues and not to mention the fact that she's my employee."

"I understand. I'm sure Nita will want to be alone with her daughter so you will have to leave for a bit. I'll stay here I promise and keep you updated. " Grace offers.

"I understand, thanks mom."

Elliot, Kate, Mia and I head out to the garden again and sit on a couple of garden chairs.

"I'm going to fucking kill Vishaal. He is the reason this happened. Fucking piece of shit." She spits.

"Wait, how do you know that?" I ask.

"Because she said my name followed by the word 'Dementor' that's our code name for him. He terrorizes her and rattles her core. Which means something happened right before she came to our table. This weekend has been too much for her. She needs to get back to Seattle and away from these people." She starts to cry and I can tell how scared she is for Ana.

I get a text from Mom that the paramedics have administered and IV and won't be taking her to the hospital. I let Kate know the update and she breathes a little easier.

"I'm going to knock that creepy motherfucker out." Elliot declares.

'No, none of us can do anything, it's really complicated in that family, you guys have no idea. I understand Ana's position and it fucking sucks but we have to stand back." Kate looks to Elliot willing him to stand down.

"Why would anyone want to hurt her, she's such a sweet soul?" Mia asks in a small voice and I squeeze her hand.

We all sit quietly for a bit and Kate gets a ping on her phone. "Ana is awake, Nita wants us all to go see her." We make our way back to Ana's cottage and see Nita with her sister and Kiran in the room. Ana is awake but her eyes are vacant as she looks through the skylight. She's still wearing my jacket around her.

"How's my girl?" Kate goes and caresses Ana's face and her expression remains the same. Elliot, Mia and I retreat to the living room. Soon Kiran and her mother leave, they look worried, faces fallen.

A little while later, Kate and Nita come out with tears in their eyes and tell me that Ana has asked for some time alone with me. Elliot and Mia look at me confused and Nita gives me a small smile as they exit the cottage.

I close the door behind them and feel a desperate sense of uneasiness as I walk into Ana's room. She's in the same position, looking through the skylight, IV drip on her arm. I sit on the bed beside her, she does not react, and her hand remains lifeless as I try to hold it.

She continues to look through the skylight and speaks with a chilling calm that grips me.

"I'm exhausted beyond comprehension which makes this the perfect time for me to tell you everything that I know you've been wanting to know since day one. Right now, I can tell you without crying because I'm just so empty." She says.

"You don't have to tell me Ana, I just want you to feel better."

"I just want to get this over with and move on Christian."

"Okay. I understand."

She takes a deep breath and starts to speak.

"My biological father committed suicide before I was born. My mother loved him and never got over it. Apparently it was some forbidden relationship that or something. When I was born, she continued to search for that perfect love again. It led her to Ray and many other men but Ray ended up being my dad and I took his name. My mother to this day will not tell me my real father's name. Ray gave me his name built me up when my mother just left me to find her version of a happy ending.

When Ray married Nita, I finally felt like I belonged, Nita's family embraced me, took me in and taught me so much. Kiran and Vishaal were my siblings. While Nita came from money, she never brought it over when she married Ray who made sure to legally adopt me. This helped when mom's husband #2 became violent with us and Ray was able to legally take me away from her. Ray was ex-army, a carpenter and taught woodshop at the local high school, just a regular guy of modest means. Nita was a school teacher as well and my life was comfortable. He taught me valuable life lessons that I still carry with me to this day.

When I was 17, Ray and I got into a car accident, Ray died on impact and I was left with critical injuries, a severely fractured pelvis, with spinal injuries and head injuries. I was in a coma for 6 months and when I came to, I couldn't move or speak. I couldn't make any sounds. I could just move my eyes. I couldn't breathe on my own. I stayed trapped within myself for almost 4 more months after that. When I woke up, no one told me about Ray, they tried to protect me but it killed me. I was trapped in my mind, screaming, asking for my dad but I couldn't reach him. I thought he left me like Carla had left me too. It took me a long while to realize that he would've never have left me unless he had been taken. Which meant he was no longer alive. When that thought settled in, I cried all the time. All that grief and trauma couldn't exit my body because I couldn't move. My face became permanently tear-stained. I was always screaming in my mind and it was exhausting. No one could hear me. I was so alone. Every night I'd pray not to wake up the next morning.

We lived in Montesano at the time but Nita couldn't afford my care on her salary and insurance, so Alia Khala and her family offered to pay for my care and they had me moved to San Jose. K-apa and Vishaal helped and took care of me. For them it was a drop in the bucket but for me it's been everything.

When I finally did start to heal and I began to regain feeling in throughout my body, it was really slow. I couldn't even tell anyone when I'd get my hip pain or any other excruciating pain. I'd just have to endure it. I was at the mercy of whenever a nurse or a doctor would decide to check on me and if they saw me crying then they'd figure out that I needed pain killers. My voice would be the last to come back.

I had to learn how to speak again. So I'd hum and listen to music all the time and it got me through so really tough days, so sometimes I won't even realize I'm doing it. I read all the time to escape my life. I lost two and a half years of my life this way and forgot how to interact with people my own age. I was a semester away from graduating high school and as a result I didn't go to college till I was 20 which was and overwhelming experience in itself but I found Kate during my first week at WSU and she took me in and she saved my life in a whole new way.

The summer leading up to college, the doctors cleared me and said that as long as I took care of myself and managed my stress I'd be good. The Friday before I left for WSU, K-apa and Vishaal took me with their friends to celebrate my new lease on life. I don't remember much from that night. I woke up in my bed the next morning and I realized I had been brutally raped and it was excruciating recovering from that physically and emotionally. I had marks on my body I couldn't explain. I kept it to myself. I was so ashamed. I felt so dirty for so long. For the longest time I had no idea who it was, but as time progressed, I noticed Vishaal's embraces and physical affection get aggressive. And when I'd go to visit family in SF, my body would shut down whenever he was around. Then he started saying weird things to me and it started making sense. Then when I wouldn't respond to him he's get angry.

My first summer back from college, I was at the family home and in the basement, Nani was the only one home at the time, Vishaal had come home from gym and try to force himself on me. I barely managed to push him off and ran into Nani's room. But I couldn't tell her. I have no proof of what he did, just a feeling, though I think she definitely suspects something. I can't blow up the family based on an accusation like this. And so for the past 4 years he's been torturing me. Whenever there is a family wedding or event, he tortures me. He'll physically try shit and psychologically try to break me. He thinks he owns me because of what happened. I have to act normal in front of the family whenever we're in public and he knows that. He uses it to his advantage because he knows my weakness. He knows I'm alone. The thing is he is blood and I am not. I have no leg to stand on. My own mother didn't want me, how can I survive them not wanting me either? I have nothing, no resources. I have this huge emotional and financial debt to them for what they did for me in terms of my recovery and taking me when I was just a kid.

When I was in high school before the accident, I was 40 lbs heavier than I am now. When I woke up from my coma, I had lost half that weight, but in my mind I have remained the same. In college I was a recluse, till Kate start really pushing me to make more friends in junior year. I never have been out with anyone. I just keep to myself. I never thought I'd meet anyone. I was happy being alone, this way I'd know I was safe. I'd be in control of my body and surroundings but then I realized that I didn't want to end up like my biological father or my mother, so I really tried to work on myself but it's still difficult because I have my demons and they creep up on me every now and then.

That's what happened this morning. After you left, I waited for a bit before leaving my room and as I started to walk down the path I ran into Vishaal and he basically got pissed because he saw us come in here last night and then he saw you leave this morning. He grabbed both of my hands and pushed me to the wall but heard someone from the resort staff coming down the path so I ran and tried looking for you guys and then I remember waking up here."

She hasn't cried. She just keeps looking through the skylight with that vacant stare as she tells me all of this. I feel the tears fall from my eyes. I can't believe what I'm hearing. I can't believe she went through all that and she still has so much left to give to the world and she continues to do it with no complaints.

She finally squeezes my hand and I look at her. She sits up and puts her other hand on mine.

"But when I met you and you held my hand. I came alive Christian. For the first time, I felt something. And even though at first I was scared, when you kissed me, my life changed. You are my first for everything. I feel alive with you, uninhibited, like who I'm really meant to be. I didn't think I could ever find that. And it felt too good to be true. I was in this wedding bubble where everything seemed beautiful and curated and picture perfect. I didn't want to ruin it so I thought this will be my Goa Holiday and I'll go back to my life and be perfectly content on this being a beautiful dream." She's now crying uncontrollably. Eyes down on our hands.

"If I had to go through all of this again just to have you for this one weekend, I'd do it a million times over, Christian."

I lean in and kiss her forehead and her lips. I'm at a complete loss of words so I just hold her as she cries into my chest. I rub her back and kiss her temple as she lets it all out. I'm going to kill that motherfucker. I am going break every bone in his body.

After a while, she stops crying and moves away from me a little but still won't look up at me.

"Ana?"

"Yes?" She's still looking down, fingers knotted.

"Do you want to get out of here? Change of scenery, we can go by the water and just walk around. Get you far away from this place for a bit?" I ask. I desperately want to make her feel better.

"I'd really like that. Can you ask the Kate, Elliot and Mia to come back here? I feel like I owe them an explanation."

"You don't owe them anything Ana."

"I would still really like to talk to Kate. I owe her just as much as I owe Nita and her family. I can't explain it right now." She confesses. I kiss her lips; they're so soft and warm, when she's been crying. "Okay, I'll call them up right now and we'll all go somewhere."

I leave Ana in the room, she's still sitting on the bed, looking to the floor. I walk out to the terrace and call Elliot and ask him to come by with Kate and Mia. I call Sawyer and Ryan to let them know our plans and to get the SUV's ready.

I follow up with Grace and let her know that Ana is doing well and that we're all going to take her out by the water and get her something to eat.

Five minutes later I hear the door knock and I go to open it and it's Luis from the resort staff.

"Oh I'm sorry sir, is this Ana's room?" he asks stunned.

"Yes it is, I'll go call her." I walk into the room and I see Ana lying in the bed staring off into space. My heart breaks a little more.

"Ana, Luis is here to see you." She blinks a couple of times trying to register what I'm saying. She bolts up and goes out of the room.

"Abuelo, what are you doing here?"

"Mija, my shift just started and I heard you got sick so I brought you your favorite juice and something to eat." They all gravitate towards her it's incredible.

"Oh god, you didn't have to, thank you so much" she gives him a big hug and kisses his cheek and he blushes.

"What happened Mija?"

"Oh, I partied a little too hard last night." She giggles and just like that my girl is back.

Luis chuckles and wishes her well and asks her to come back. Likewise Ana, tells him to let her know whenever he's in Seattle and to give her love to Rosa.

She closes the door and takes the tray to the coffee table and looks at the contents. There's a pitcher of juice and some cookies with cut fruit. It's a small gesture that speaks volumes.

Ana looks at me and asks if I want to try some of the juice. I decline but go to sit next to her.

She pours some out and drinks some "You are seriously missing out, this stuff is like crack. No one in Seattle makes this. At least take a sip. It's pineapple and mint pressed juice." I relent and take a small sip, it actually tastes good.

"How are you feeling now baby?"

"Much better, thank you." She smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes. "Is your mom still here, I never got to thank her for checking up on me, can we do that before we head out?" she asks.

"Ana, it's okay, you don't have to thank her."

"No Christian, I do. I don't take things like that for granted. Can I at least call her?"

"Okay, I'll call her right now and you can speak to her, happy?" I roll my eyes.

She giggles "Yes."

She talks to Grace and thanks her profusely for being there and checking up on her. They talk about a bit about her accident and injuries and her hip pain and some remedies to help. It's an overall sweet gesture but I know it also stems from the fact that she thinks that doesn't think she deserves this love and attention.

"How are you?" she asks, placing her hand on mine.

"Truthfully, aside from wishing I had the power to turn back time, I'd like to kill that fucker." I say and feel my rage building up again.

Ana sighs. "Christian, I wanted to kill him for a long time but then I eventually realized that him dying or being removed from my life wouldn't change anything. What he did would still stand. I can just hope that the rest of my life is far happier and outweighs the few years of unhappiness I had to experience because of him. That's the real feat in the end. Nani has always taught me that in the end nature always seeks it's own version of justice, it could be 2 minutes from now or 50 years from now but it will happen. I don't need to know about it or care about it. My life has to move forward. I'm finally at a point where he barely takes up brain space. It's only when he's physically around that it bothers me or if he texts me which I immediately delete without reading. This entire weekend, his presence only bothered me when he was literally near me or in my line of sight, otherwise he truly didn't exist in my mind and I know much that killed him. Having you, Kate, Mia and Elliot was all I needed and I felt safe to be myself and really enjoy this wedding and right now us being together is driving him insane."

I pick up her hand and kiss it and hold it to my cheek, as if it's balm to calm all these overwhelming feelings brewing inside of me like a storm. My brain is failing me; I can't do anything for her. I am such a useless piece of shit. I start to feel tears fall again. She moves in closer and sits in my lap and holds me to her. She raises my face to hers and kisses me.

"We're gonna be fine. We just need to get out of this place. Cabin fever is taking over now" she giggles and I have to genuinely laugh, I lean back into her neck and it tickles her making her giggle more.

"Miss Steele, you're a force to be reckoned with. I'm in awe of you" I say my voice wavering. She kisses me and goes into hug me again and we hold each other till we hear the door knock again.

"I'll get the door, you go freshen up." I kiss her and then go up to go and wash my face.

**APOV:**

Christian heads to the bathroom and I open the door and Elliot booms, "THERE'S MY GIRL OF STEELE!" I have to laugh, "Yes, your girl of Steele and drama" I laugh. He envelops me in a bear hug and rocks me a bit; I end up laughing some more. Kate hugs and kisses me with tears in her eyes.

Mia gives me a crushing hug and kiss "Don't scare me like that again." She says as her voice cracks. "Where's Christian?"

"He's in the bathroom, he'll be right out. Please sit, the resort sent something small to snack on so please help yourselves. Did you guys have breakfast? Otherwise I can order some?"

I hear Christian voice from behind me as he sits on one of the chairs next to me "Ana, relax, we all ate. You however need to eat." I suddenly feel awkward and overwhelmed realizing that Elliot and Mia now know about the both of us.

"Kate, I need your help." I say and walk to the bedroom.

"What's up Steele? Says as she walks into the bedroom after me.

I take a huge breath. "I told Christian all of it." My voice cracks. Kate hugs me and I start crying, uncontrollably. I feel like a burden has been lifted off of me. She holds me for I don't know how long, rocking me and kissing my hair. Mia comes and gives us a big group hug. I feel so loved in this moment. I start to feel better and break away

"Let's go to the beach, I need to get out of here." I say, laughing and wiping my tears. Kate and Mia smile and we go into the bathroom to freshen up.

"So, you and my brother have been shacking up this entire wedding weekend?" Mia asks wiggling her eyebrows. As we stand around in the bathroom and I fix my face.

I want to run for the hills in embarrasmment "Yeah, kinda... are you mad? I'm sorry, it just happened and I wasn't sure if it was going to be serious or..." God, I hope she's not mad. "GIRL, please... it's about time he got laid." Mia laughs and Kate and I lose it.

"See, even they all thought he was gay." Kate cackles.

**CPOV:**

I sit on the chair, with my head in my hands and Elliot asks me to join him on the terrace.

"Bro, you can talk to me you know that right? I've always got your back" He rubs my shoulder as I stand leaning against the railing.

"I know Lelliot, I appreciate it. I'm just really struggling right now." I think this maybe the first time I've been ever close to having a heart to heart with him.

"How is Ana doing?" He asks.

"Ana's been through some real fucked up shit Elliot and I'm really trying to rein in my anger because I know it's not healthy and will no one any good if I lose my shit. It's just been an overload of information and I'm trying to really process through it"

"Kate hasn't told me any specifics but I can guess what this is all about with that Vishaal guy, the only thing I'll say is that, as much as you care for her, which is pretty obvious, you need to channel that anger and frustration into making her feel safe and cared for. Whatever all this is, it happened to her. All of us, we're not even in the same fucking orbit of trying to understand what she went through. I mean think about it for a second, as worst as the shit she told you; look back on the days you've seen her around the wedding. Look how far she has come. You have to respect that bro.

In Cabo, the way she cared for Mia... I made a vow that I'd always look out for her – she had only known us for 5 fucking minutes and she cared for Mia like a mother. And when Kate told us about the accident, it tore my heart man but I had to look at it differently, I just thought about her progression from what she went through just a few short years ago to how she personally cared for every human being at this wedding, because if you dwell on her past, you're disregarding all that hard work she's done on herself to be the woman who caught your attention today. I mean, she's a fucking saint, just try your best to pave a path forward."

I know Elliot is right, I know it deep down. I'm also at war with who I am as Christian since the beginning and as this new person that I'm evolving into from knowing Ana.

I feel my eyes well up and Elliot rubs my shoulder again and pulls me in for a hug. We've hugged maybe like... never. At least not since we were children.

You've got this Christian, just take it one step at time." He says as we break apart and I nod in agreement.

"So what's the plan? Where should be take these ladies?" Elliot asks

"Ana said she wanted to get out of here and go to the beach. Maybe we can get some food and make an afternoon of it? We've only got two SUV's so I'm sending Sawyer and Ryan to drop off Mom and Dad at Monterey this afternoon and we'll take the other one out for the day. And they'll follow us after dropping them off"

"Sounds like a plan" Elliot clasps his hands and walks inside.

I take a few minutes to collect myself. The fact that Elliot gave solid advice has got be the other stunning revelation for this weekend. Flynn is going to have a field day with this.

I walk inside to find the living area empty and hear Ana giggling in her room. I make my way and see Ana sitting in the middle against the headboard with Mia's head in her lap as she runs her hands through her hair. Kate has head on her right shoulder and Elliot lying across the foot of the bed laughing like the hyena he is sometimes. This feels like family. I have gained so much this weekend and it all feels like a turning point.

"Hey guys, ready to go?" I ask. Mia bolts up "Yes but please promise we'll get ice-cream too. I've been craving cookie-dough for forever and now this wedding is over I don't have to worry about abs for a while."

Ana laughs out loud and I smile because my girl is coming back.

We get ready to leave, Ana looks refreshed and grabs her coat. We walk hand in hand as we head out of the resort and four people from the staff stop to ask her how she's doing and she gives each of them a hug and thank you. I am consistently floored with each exchange. She could be the reason for world peace, I'm certain of it.

The SUV is ready when we get to the front. Elliot offers to drive and the girls climb into the back and we head out towards Monterey.

"Ana, want to play DJ?" Mia asks.

"Um... okay, how do I connect my phone?"

"Ana, give me your phone I'll connect it" I ask her and she gives it to me. I connect it and hand it back to her.

"Brace yourself people, it's about to get real weird in here." She giggles.

"Do you worst Steele." Elliot challenges.

"Ready girls?" Ana looks to Kate and Mia.

_True, you're a star in my head  
You, no need fi raise war with my friends  
True, you're so bad, we don't need to pretend  
But I don't want war with you or my friends_

I remember the song from last night and all three girls sing it at the top of their lungs swaying and I can't help but smile. Elliot gives me a sideways wink and I chuckle.

_Love you through the better days  
Love you through the rainy ones  
Champion, you're number one, yeah, that's true  
I guess what I'm sayin', I guess what I'm sayin'  
I guess what I'm sayin' is, I  
I fuckin' love you (ah, yeah, ah)_

I look through the window and as they sing, Ana's voice seeps through like honey and it feels warm. I feel so calm. I feel content.

_I just wanna spend my life with you (with you)  
Go around the world and to the moon (with you)  
I just wanna share the light with you (with you)  
Have some kids and move to France with you (with you)  
I just wanna spend my life with you (with you)  
_

"Ladies, let's move to France and be fabulous." Mia exclaims as the song plays. Ana laughs and continues singing.

"Yo Steele, you gotta make me a playlist." Elliot asks.

"Sure, or I can give you a link to my Spotify and you can follow that. All the stuff is there. Show me your phone when we stop for food and I'll do it"

"Still want me as a the DJ?" Ana asks

We all end up saying "YES" in unison and Ana laughs out loud. "I'm in the mood for some JT now." Ana muses and Mia and Kate yell "yas kween". I'm so amused by their interactions with each other.

_Hey little mama  
Ain't gotta ask me if I want to  
Tell me, can I get a light?  
Roll you up and let it run through my veins  
'Cause I can always see the farthest stars when I'm on you  
I don't wanna ever come down from this cloud of loving you_

_Pusher Love Girl – Justin Timberlake._

This time Elliot sings along too and soon it becomes it becomes a sing off between Ana and him. The girls sway their shoulders and I can't help but smile. Ana and Kate start singing to each other and end up laughing. All I want to desperately do is kiss her.

"Kate, I'm going to put our jam on next." Ana declares "Bring it on Steele!"

_Shit, your wife in the backseat of my brand new foreign car  
Don't act like you forgot, I call the shots, shots, shots_

_Where y'all at, where y'all at, where y'all at  
Like brrap, brrap, brrap  
_

_Bitch better have my money!  
Y'all should know me well enough  
Bitch better have my money!  
Please don't call me on my bluff  
Pay me what you owe me  
Ballin' bigger than LeBron  
Bitch, give me your money  
Who y'all think y'all frontin' on?  
Bitch better have my  
Bitch better have my  
_

Kate , Mia Ana sing word for word and try to act as tough they can as they sway with the beat and Elliot laughs his ass off.

"Elliot anything specific you'd like to request?" Ana asks. "Dealers choice" Elliot replies. "In that case I have the perfect song. I feel like this probably describes teenage Elliot Grey, perfectly." Ana quips.

_If your mother knew all of the things that we do  
If your mother knew all the things we do  
If your mother knew, she'd keep me so far from you  
If your mother knew all the things we do_

_Sneak out the window, pass over pillows  
I'll be waiting in the car right around the block  
Back of the Benzo (back of the Benzo)  
More than a friend zone (more than a friend zone)  
We've been hiding since the time they forgot to knock_

The song ends. "Teenage Elliot? Steele, you have no idea..." Elliot laughs out loud and the girls giggle while I just enjoy the banter. "I'm sure Kate will eventually tell me!" Ana laughs. "Fuck off, Steele!" Kate snaps back laughing.

"Christian, what about you, any song request? She asks me and I feel a little shy all of a sudden. This feels fucking weird, ugh fucking hell.

"Maybe some post Malone?" I say laughing and Ana laughs out loud.

"Look at you two with you inside jokes already" Elliot teases. "Fuck off Elliot" I laugh and the girls giggle at the back.

_Used to have friends now I got enemies (damn)  
Used to keep 'em close now they dead to me (ooh)  
Money tend to show all they tendencies (damn)  
Enemies, yeah it's so sad_

_Sometimes, every time, they let me down  
Sometimes, every time, they let me down  
Used to have friends now I got enemies  
Enemies, yeah it's so sad_

Ana sings out loud with Mia and Kate acting it out. I look through the side mirror and Ana sways side to side, eyes closed, smiling and singing with abandon.

I suddenly realize I never knew life could be like this, so warm and filled with happiness.

"Mia baby what about you? Any request?" Ana asks lovingly. "I actually have a question before you play a song, where did you learn how to sing?"

I tell Mia to drop it. And Mia innocently asks why. "It's okay Christian." Ana replies.

"Mia, I had an accident when I was 17 and I was critical for about a year. First 6 months I was in a coma and then when I came to, I was paralyzed and couldn't even access my voice. In my road to recovery my voice was the last to come back to me. I had to learn how to speak again, so I would hum a lot, spending so many hours listening to music and trying to sing it. I did take some lessons for eastern singing a few years ago but nothing substantial. In the end, I guess you could say I lost my voice to find it... and now I can't shut up with the singing." She ends with a laugh.

Mia sobs and hugs Ana "I'm so sorry Ana".

"It's okay babies, it happened a long time ago and I'm all better now, so now tell me the song you want."

Elliot and I pass a look at each other and I take a deep breath.

"Something from Kacey Musgraves please."

"Coming right up!" Ana giggles. The warm acoustic guitar sounds fill the car and Ana, Kate and Mia softly sing along. I see Ana from my sideview mirror and she's singing out to the wild completely lost and she sounds so beautiful. Music is like her therapy. Whatever she can't process, her brain just picks a song and it flows through her. Pretty soon Ana's voice is the only one singing in the car and she doesn't even realize it.

_Baby, don't you know?  
That you're my golden hour  
The color of my sky  
You've set my world on fire  
And I know, I know everything's gonna be alright_

_I used to get sad  
And lonely when the sun went down  
But it's different now  
'Cause I love the light that I've found  
In you_

_You make the world look beautiful, oooh  
I thought I'd seen it all before  
But looking through your eyes  
It looks like paradise_

_You set my world on fire, yeah  
And I know, I know everything's gonna be alright_

_You're my golden hour  
The color of my sky  
You've set my world on fire  
And I know, I know everything's gonna be alright_

_Yeah I know, I know everything's gonna be alright  
Golden hour, mmh_

"Your turn Kavanagh!"

"Who is that French singer you always sing to... the lolo girl" Kate asks "Oh yeah Lolo Zouai, she's French-Algerian from around this area actually. You want the French song from her or the one about ocean beach?" Ana asks. "French one!" Kate replies.

_Yeah, I've been in limbo  
On my own, on my own  
Since I left San Francisco, oh (yeah, yah)  
Now home is where I lay my pillow, oh  
Red lips, no kiss, and I'm gone_

_Hit 'em with the bilingual  
Je sais que je m'en vais  
You won't see me again  
Je ne suis pas_

_Moi, je ne suis  
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (-ez moi)  
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (moi)  
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (-ez moi)  
Chez-ez moi, chez moi  
Je ne suis  
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (-ez moi)  
Chez-ez moi, -ez moi (je ne suis pas)…_

Ana sings French so beautifully and I realize I've never told her I speak French. They're so much to discover about one another.

"Ana I loved that, I'm going to check her out." Mia muses

"Oh yeah definitely, she's got so many good ones. Lose Myself and Summers in Vegas are her best in addition to the one you just heard." Ana tells her

"Do you speak French, Ana?"

"Oh no... I think it was a miracle I was able to learn Hindi/Urdu when I did. Do you?"

"Yeah, Christian and I speak French and Elliot speaks Spanish." Mia states proudly.

"Oh... I didn't know, that's so cool. You two have you own secret code when you want to" Ana giggles.

"Ana can you sing song in hindi? It sounds so beautiful" Mia begs.

"Um... I don't think it will sound that great acapella." Ana says shyly.

"Come Steele, sing it for us." Elliot encourages her.

"Um... okay, there's only one song that comes to mind right now..." Ana acquiesces and clears her throat a bit.

As she sings it tugs at my heart. I have no idea what it means but her voice is so full pain and longing. Her voice is a bit dark at first and then you can suddenly hear the urgency in her voice as she tells the story. I see her from the sideview mirror and she looks out the window with such sadness. I take a quick look back at Kate looking out at the water and tears are in her eyes. She knows what it means. Ana ends the song and I can hear Mia crying. Ana then starts to explain and her voice is strained.

"It's the story of this girl who is the beginning of falling in love but is confused by all these overwhelming feelings and can't seem to make sense of it so the spirit of love itself comes to speak to her. He essentially puts her feelings into words. The rough translation is, and of course the English language doesn't do it justice but you can get an idea.

when my eyes met yours,

when my eyes met yours my love,

I suddenly found that I lost all control in life. I cannot live without you.

Love is eternal life

When my eyes met yours I found light

When my hand touched yours I found life

Love is the story of life

There is no life without love

And love is eternal

Why does a flame wish to burn all in its path

Why does a moth desire to burn itself

Life is just a test of these desires

If love spares your life, beyond death your story will endure

How does one live? How can one live without love?

There is no one without a heart or incapable of love

Every soul wishes to quench its thirst with love

Where love is, there is life

If there is no love then there is no life.

Mia is full on sobbing now. "Hey babies, don't cry." Ana says with her voice cracking, picks up her hand and kisses it. It warms my heart and my eyes start to burn. Thank god for these sunglasses. Elliot takes a deep breath and looks at me with a small smile.

"Do you believe in a love like that Ana, I hope I can find a love like that." Mia asks.

" I have to believe in it otherwise when we settle for less we'll just get less. And Mia when the time is right you will find your all encompassing love too. You've got so much life to live, just be open to it." Ana finishes.

"Okay now for the most important questions, are we there yet?" Ana giggles trying to lighten the mood.

"Almost" Elliot tries to tide her.

We get to Carmel by the Sea and it's a breath of fresh air, we're far from all the craziness of the resort and free to be ourselves and walk around. I help Ana out of the car and she looks tired. I give her a small kiss on the lips and she smiles as brightly as she can.

We settle at an Italian restaurant and give our orders. Ana asks us stories about our childhood and Mia does impressions of us and tells heartwarming stories of our family trips. Kate and Ana talk about how they met in college and how they're still so surprised that for being polar opposites they found each other and have built a long lasting friendship. Our food comes and it's delicious, Ana initiates and proceeds to try food from everyone's plate without asking and she's fucking adorable at it. She prefaces it by saying she has no shame and everyone has to pay the Ana tax in by letting her sample their food in return for gracing us with her charming company. I kiss her temple every now and then and Mia gives me a warm, knowing look. I know a scene like this is the norm for most people but for me it's brand new and I'm intoxicated by it. I want more of it. Ana is helping me strengthen and find new meaning in my family bonds with each sibling and parent and all in a span of three days.

We pay the bill and head out to Point Lobos. It's fairly empty as we walk around and it's absolutely beautiful. Ana is happy. She takes so many pictures while the girls make us take pictures and videos of them. She asks Kate and Elliot pose for the camera and even though she's using her phone she takes some fantastic photos. Kate returns the favor and it's comical. Elliot says the most outrageous stuff to get Ana to laugh and he's successful every time and as a result we get wonderfully candid pictures of each other; of Ana and I bathed in golden hour light, looking at each other, kissing and walking around, just being ourselves. Ana takes pictures of Mia and I and they're beautiful. I'm with my favorite people and life has never been this good. I have never felt this content. It then dawns on me, how much i've missed out on... but then, it means so much more that it's with Ana.

Even though it's chilly, every time I kiss Ana's skin it's warm and she glows. We all watch the sunset together but I can't keep my eyes off of her. She's in my embrace but she makes sure to hold Mia's hand as well, as if not to leave her behind, making sure she's not feeling like a 5th wheel. The sentiment makes my heart swell, she really does think of everything. It starts to get dark as we walk back, Ana profusely thanks us all for bringing her out and we all scold her and she giggles. Before we get to the car, Ana asks if I can sit at the back with her and Elliot ends up driving with Kate in the front seat. She sits with me at the back and I put my arm around her while she reaches out to hold Mia's hand again.

"DJ Steele, play us some music." Elliot demands. Ana agrees in a small voice. I tip up her head and her eyes are sad again. I give her a small kiss and she clicks play on the playlist and places her head on my chest and looks out the window and doesn't sing or hum at all but I feel her breathe. Each song more meaningful than the last, she takes us into her world and it's beautiful. It's sad but it's full of bright colors and all the emotions that she shows on a daily basis. We all are quietly taking it in, I feel the music deep in my core, in some instances it feels as she is talking to me and me only through the song.

In the hour drive I try to make sense of all the information and emotions i've felt this weekend. Is this what it means to finally feel alive? Was I just merely existing before now? I never really felt much before, nothing positive that is. I was a product of negativity and then after the Grey's adopted me, it was a battle to keep the negativity bottled up and in hiding from the world. As a result, I was only a shell of a person.

As the last notes of the song start to fade we make it to the reception area of the resort. Sawyer is waiting to take the car from us. I try wake up Ana but she's spent. She climbs out of the car and is barely able to walk at first. It takes her a minute and she comes to.

"Damn, Steele, you sure know how to hit the feels with the music." Elliot says pulling her into a hug and rocks her a bit.

"Thanks Elliot Bhai" Ana says "bhai means big brother in hindi. I'm going to call you that." She says with a small and sad smile. Elliot kisses her temple and rubs her shoulder. She gives Kate and Mia a hug and we walk back to her cottage.

"I have to go see Nani for a bit, will you join me?" Ana asks all of a sudden.

"Are you sure, I don't want to cause any problems for you." I say. "It's okay, I told mama and I have a feeling Nani already knows about you." She says.

"As long as it's okay, I'd love to come see Nani with you." I smile.

Nani is in the living area, of her cottage, praying, when we arrive. We wait for her and when she's done she looks at Ana as if she hasn't see the light in forever. She beams and I sit next to her while Ana kneels to the floor in front of her. I start to realize she kneels in front of people as a way to disarm them and it instantly puts everyone at ease. Nani holds out her hand to me, takes mine and places it over Ana's and smiles, saying something. Ana laughs throwing her head back, and scolds her in hindi and then looks at me with her beautiful eyes "Okay don't freak out but she wants us to get married next and have babies asap, she wants to be a great grand nani before she dies, I told her to chill out because we just met." Ana giggles. I look at her and realize I do want to marry her, I want her with me for forever. I never thought I'd ever find that but I have.

She then picks up both of our hands and kisses them both saying something and Ana starts to cry. She holds Ana's face in her hands and kisses her forehead and continues to say something in Hindi. She then turns to me and puts her hand on my face and pats my head once, all while smiling with twinkling eyes. Ana kisses her hands and gets up to kiss her cheek. She says her goodbye and we head out.

"What did she say just now?" I ask Ana.

Ana wipes her face "She said I've seen so many men look at you with just their eyes and with bad intention, Christian saw you with his heart and he'll always see you that way." She looks up to me. "And to you she said, you deserve all the good things that will come from us being together, that's what happens when you're meant to be so let it happen, laugh more and allow yourself to be happy." God, how can she see through us? She doesn't even know me. I pick up her hand and kiss it and put my arm around her as we walk back to her cottage.

Once we're in, I go to start a bath and Ana calls her mom. She talks in both English and Hindi and it's a tense conversation I can tell. She eventually hangs up and comes to me and hugs me. She doesn't say anything just hugs me and places her head in my chest and I realize I no longer feel uneasy at the thought of her doing that but then again I'm still wearing my shirt. I don't want to feel this way, I want to be able to savor her touch everywhere and feel her warmth against every surface of me. I want to be healed.

"Baby, let's take a bath?" Ana, pulls out of my embrace, slowly nodding but still looking down. I take off her dress and panties. I hold her face and look into her eyes, they're red and tired. I kiss her lips softly and pull the ribbon out of her hair and it cascades all over her shoulders. She's so unbelievably beautiful. In every emotion, her beauty comes shining through and envelops you.

We sit in the bath, her back to my chest. I kiss her cheek and neck. Every now and then tipping her head back to look into her eyes. She's so deathly silent. I don't want her to live in sadness like this. She doesn't deserve any of this.

"I thought I would tell them about Vishaal but I chickened out at the last minute." She says sobbing. "I was too afraid to tell them that he raped me. Nita already lost so much, I don't want to cause her anymore pain and I can't lost them. I'll die if that happens. I hate that he still has all this power over me." I wrap my arms around her and she sobs uncontrollably, and I kiss her cheek. "I promise I'll keep you safe, please don't cry." I plead. She goes quiet again.

"Did you ever foresee yourself falling in love with such a freight train of emotion." She asks giggling. "Your parents are sweet but even they will probably be like, um yeah... no thanks, one weekend with her was enough." She laughs a little more.

"To be honest I think Grace has the same ideas your Nani has." I chuckle. Ana bursts out laughing and falls into a fit of laughter. "Doesn't matter what the culture is, moms are still only focused on one thing." She says as her laughter subsides.

I turn her head to me once more "you're not a freight train of emotion, you're life itself. You've shown me so much life in just a few days. I can't believe you're real. I'm not ready to go back to real life without you." I lean in and kiss her softly. She looks back smiling "I love you, Christian."

"I love you, Ana."

We're lying in bed naked, facing each other as I run my hands all over her, memorizing what her body feels like, what it looks like. Every now and then I kiss her and lick her, I want to remember how she smells and tastes. She throws her arms around my neck and kisses my face, looking into my eyes.

"Baby, what was that song you were singing when we first met?" I ask. The words are seared into my brain.

"I was singing? I don't remember. I thought I was making tea. Do you remember the words?"

"there was a line that stood out to me, 'you enchant me, even when you're not around', you sang it so beautifully."

"WAIT! That's like in the beginning of the song, you mean to tell me you heard me sing an entire song... you're such a creep Mr. Grey." She giggles.

I laugh "I was mesmerized, I couldn't move. I had never heard anything like that before. It haunted my dreams till I actually saw you in person."

She smiles and traces a finger around my lips. "The song is a cover. The original is a dance tune, really good but this cover really stripped it down and gave it a new meaning."

"Can I hear it again?"

"Um... okay." She's shy. I kiss her. "I'm not going to see you till next Saturday, I want to make as many memories as I can with you, memories that are only ours. I half want to drag you out of here with me back to Seattle but I also understand you need some time off to be with Nani and your mom." I say.

She kisses me and then looks into my eyes and starts to sing.

_You lift my heart up  
When the rest of me is down  
You, you enchant me  
Even when you're not around  
If there are boundries  
I will try to knock them down  
I'm latching on, babe  
Now I know what I have found_

I can't help but kiss her as she sings, I kiss her neck, tasting her skin, making my way down to her breasts, biting and sucking them. She moans as she sings and it's fucking sexy.

_I feel we're close enough  
I wanna lock in your love, baby  
I think we're close enough  
Could I lock in your love?_

_Now I've got you in my space  
I won't let go of you  
Got you shackled in my embrace  
I'm latching on to you_

I remain fixed on her breasts. Kneading, squeezing, biting and licking. She loses here place in the song every now and then and starts to sing again, as her hands massage and pull my hair.

I move down to between her legs, she's fucking drenched and it's the best sight to see and taste. I run my tongue along her lips and she arches up, moaning and losing her place in the song again. I lightly bite her and she half screams and moans "oh god christian"

I move back up and position myself to slowly enter her as she sings again

_Got you shackled in my embrace  
I'm latching on to you_

I go at an achingly slow pace, to get my fill of her. I trail kisses from her ear down to her neck, to her sternum and the back up again on the other side as she sings. She opens her eyes and holds my face then starts to sing against my lips. Meeting me thrust for thrust. It's intoxicating.

And I don't wanna let, don't wanna let go

No I don't wanna let, don't wanna let go

I lose myself completely and come hard into her, half yelling her name as she cries out her own release. Our breathing so loud it echoes in the entire room. I'm still on top and inside her. I want to stay here forever.

"Baby, see how fucking good we are together?" I ask, trying to catch my breath with my face in her neck.

"I never knew it could be like this. I guess I really was missing out" she giggles. "That's song #3 on to be added on our sex playlist, by the way." She adds.

I lift my head and shower her face with kisses "i missed out too but now we're here and we going to make the most out of it."

She puts her hand on my cheek and smiles.

"Make me a playlist, of all the songs you sang and played while we were together. I want to remember every detail of this weekend through them". She smiles back at me. "I will" She gives me a small kiss and I nestle back into her neck.

—-

My eyes open and I'm lying on my stomach. I see the faint beginnings of morning outside the window. I turn and see Ana's side is empty. I check my phone to see the time and it's almost 6am. Where did she go? I get up and put on my boxers and go to find her. I check the bathroom and she's not there, but I catch a glimpse of her outside the bathroom window on the terrace.

I walk back to the bedroom and throw my tshirt and sweatpants on and head to the terrace. The door is open enough for me to exit undetected. I see Ana standing in a t-shirt and jeans, wrapped in a shawl and Looking out across the water, as the sky changes it colors.

She sings to the sky with so much pain

_My love_

_I will always love you_

_But never will I forgive you_

_For being gone for so long_

_My heart_

_Forever a little broken_

_So many nights I've woken_

_From a dream when you came back to me_

She looks down and starts to cry uncontrollably while singing the following.

I walk up to her and put my arms around her. She's sounds so heartbroken, I want to try and do whatever I can do heal her. She turns around to me and put her arms around my neck as she cries into my chest. I rock her and kiss her hair. After a while, she lets go of me and wipes her tears away with her hands.

"Thank you, I needed that. I'm sorry if I woke you" she says looking down. I graze my knuckles against her cheek and kiss her forehead. "You didn't wake me, my alarm went off and I didn't see you there. Let's go and lay in bed for a while? You're freezing."

She nods and I lead her back to the bedroom.

As she gets into bed, I pull her back to my front and spoon her, kissing her neck and her cheeks.

"Baby, you sounded so heartbroken and those lyrics cut through, what happened?"

She takes a deep breath "I had a dream about my dad. I haven't seen him in my dreams for long time now with all this wedding crap and any time I do it's never for long enough and I wake up in a state of panic. I just miss him so much it hurts. He made me feel the safe and wanted me when no one else in the world did. He was there from the start and now I'm experiencing all these things in life and I can't share any of it with him or ask him for advice. I was his girl of Steele, he made me feel like I could take over the world one day and ever since the accident, I have all this darkness inside of me, I just want to be released of it. I don't want to feel this all consuming pain I do sometimes. Both emotional and physical, it makes wish I never survived." She says with a shuddering breath. I pull her in tight and turn her head to me. Her face red and tear stained. I kiss her soft lips. I want to take all her pain away but I can't, I'm a useless shit who knows nothing. My emotional range is so fucking limited.

"I'm so sorry baby, I wish I could take all your pain away."

"Just promise me you'll love me even in my darkest of times." She pleads, crying.

"I promise baby, I promise."

...

"You look so handsome Mr. Grey!"

"It's just a face and expensive suit, nothing else." I shrug.

"And a beautiful heart! Nani says that even the most beautiful person can seem ugly if they have an unkind heart and that someone who you wouldn't conventionally call beautiful or attractive can look like the most beautiful person in the world if they have a kind heart and give love... so it turns out I won the jackpot" she giggles.

I give her a small smile.

"Are you sure you don't want to eat something, or have coffee? I can have it delivered to the room?" Ana asks. She's sitting on the counter, with her feet dangling watching me as I get dressed. I keep wishing I didn't have to leave.

"It's okay baby, we'll have something on the plane. Don't worry."

"Christian, it's a minimum 1 hr drive to Monterey." She takes out her phone and makes a call.

"Good morning Madison! How are you? I'm good... thank you for asking... yes I know, I'm so embarrassed... but I had to end the whole weekend with dramatic flair... something for you to remember me all by..." she giggles. I fucking love that even in such sadness she can laugh and make fun. "I just had a tiny favor, my friends are leaving this morning but are in a hurry and won't be able to have breakfast, can we stop by the kitchen to get come coffee in to go cups and some pastries? Would Chef B be okay with that?... uh huh... oh gosh, thank you... perfect... I love you guys, you're the best. I should be there in the next 20 mins or so. Thank you, thank you!" She ends the call and beams at me with that beautiful smile that makes me forget where I am sometimes. "Done! We just gotta make a quick pit stop on our way to reception!"

I walk to kiss her . "You're so good at taking care of people, you think of everything even at your expense. You never cease to amaze me." She throws her arms and legs around me and pulls me closer "Only because you're so special to me Mr. Grey." She pulls and kisses me again. I savor every second of contact with her.

We break away the kiss and I resume getting dressed. Ana lifts her phone to record a message.

"Good morning my favorite people, I know you're probably busy getting dressed but meet me and Christian in the garden in another 15 mins and we'll head to the kitchen for a quick 5, Chef B prepped some coffee and snacks to go for you!" She sends the message into our group chat. That's another thing I never foresaw happening in my life. Being in a group chat with my brother, his girlfriend, my sister and my girlfriend, and actually enjoy the random shit they say. Only Ana can make this happen.

I laugh and she looks at me. "What's amusing you Mr. Grey?"

"You are Miss Steele, I loathed the idea of group chats, Mia tried making us one with mom and dad and I deleted that shit as soon as she made it. I left the group but with you now, I love it. It's such a sweet way for us to talk, it'll feel like an extension of the weekend to carry into our real lives."

She smiles, "I wish we could have lived in this bubble forever but yes having you all in a group chat is something that makes me excited, it's our little safe space to post updates without the fear or getting found out on social media, plus I only want to share updates with you guys. So i'll probably spam you guys with some Grade A SF content." She giggles.

"I expect nothing less Miss Steele!" I say with a wink.

The door knocks and Ana looks puzzled. "It's probably Ryan, my security, to pick up my bag."

"You have security at the resort?"

"I never travel without security, Ana. They just keep a safe distance but are there when needed. They were with us yesterday as well when we went out yesterday"

We both head to the door and I hand Ryan my bag and tell him we'll be ready to leave another 20 mins.

"Good morning Ryan, I'm Ana. Have you and Sawyer had coffee or breakfast?" Ana asks and Ryan is momentarily lost at the question but quickly recovers. "Yes ma'am, we had coffee in our room and we'll grab something at the airport." He replies.

"That's too long from now, please stop by the kitchen and ask for Chef B, tell them Ana sent you and please grab some more coffee and pastries for yourself and Sawyer. I've already called ahead, I insist" She smiles. Ryan gives a small smile and nod "Thank you Miss Steele, we appreciate that!" He turns and walks away. Ana picks up her phone to make a call again.

"Madison, could you please transfer me to the kitchen?" She waits for a few seconds "Buongiorno, Chef B!... bene! Listen two friends of mine will come back to get some coffee and pick up a snack for the road, Ryan and Sawyer... awww thank you and yes I will be there soon with the rest of my gang!... Yaaay okay i'll see you in another 15 mins!"

I am so god damn floored. Who is this woman? She's so out of my league. I grab her face and kiss the fucking life out of her. "Miss Steele, pretty sure everyone who works for me will end up defying me and only take orders from you."

She takes a moment to recover from the kiss and giggles "That's right, you better watch yourself Mr. Grey, I'm coming for you!"

"I want you to come for me in all sorts of ways Miss Steele." She throws back her head and laugh and I shower her neck with kisses. "You perv!" she giggles. "No denying that, now come on wench, let's get me the food you promised!" I slap her ass and she squeals. God I'm going to miss that ass.

We walk hand and in hand to the great garden area and meet up with everyone. Ana hugs everyone and leads up to the kitchen were we pick up coffee and make ourselves to go boxes. Ana gives Chef B the biggest hug and thanks him, he blushes under her praise and kisses her cheek with paternal affection.

We walk up the front where both SUV's are waiting. Kate and Elliot decide to take one while Mia asks to ride with me.

Elliot embraces Ana and kisses her forehead and rocks her a bit "take care of yourself Steele, I'm gonna miss ya. Let's hang as soon as you're back!"

"Thanks Elliot bhai, for being the best. Take care of my girl, I can't live without her."

"Damn Steele, got me all choked up. You know I got you!" He smiles and release her to Kate.

"Steele and Kavanagh forever!" Kate says as she kisses and hugs Ana "You need anything, you call me and I will get to SF on the next flight okay, baby?" Ana nods "yes mama! Don't burn the apartment down, there's enough groceries to last you till I'm back and I made some food, check the freezer."

"Okay thank god cause I was worried about that" Kate laughs.

"Ana banana, I'm gonna miss you so much." Mia whines and hugs Ana. Ana kisses her cheek and rocks her a bit. "I promise i'll take you dancing when you come back." Mia exclaims "I can't wait Mia" Ana smiles.

Ana and I walk to each other, she looks up with teary eyes but smiles brightly, "So I guess this is it, huh?" She giggles. I hold her face with both of my hands and kiss her deeply.

"WOOOOOHOOOOOOO HOT DAMN GET IT CHRISTIAN!" Elliot yells before getting into the SUV as Kate tells him to shut up. Mia joins in too, whistling and cheering. I'd ditch them on the side of the road if I didn't actually like them.

Ana breaks the kiss and ends up giggling as she tries to walk away. I pull her against my body again and look into her beautiful ocean blue eyes "i can't wait till we're together again baby." I whisper. She smiles again "same here Mr. Grey, same here."

"Dream of me?"

"You know I will. I love you Christian."

"I love you, Ana. If you need anything, promise me you'll tell me. "

"I will. I promise." her voice breaks a little.

I give her one last kiss on the lips and head into the SUV. She steps back to wards the waiting area and smiles brightly waving at us but I can see she's putting on a brave face. It breaks my heart. We drive away.

Mia sobs a little. "what's wrong MimI?"

"I'm going to miss her, I got so used to seeing her this weekend and we hung out a few times in Seattle that after the Cabo trip, last month. I've never had a friend like her."

I squeeze her hand.

"I'm gonna miss her like crazy too." I squeeze her hand and say with a smile.

"I feel so bad for lying to her all this time. Scooter told me I could trust them but after that psycho Phoebe incident I didn't want to take any chances. Otherwise I would've introduced you both earlier"

I take a deep breath. Phoebe was a real close call. Another bat shit crazy submissive gone off the rails. Thankfully Mia chose not to ask any more questions after that whole incident and kept it to us siblings only but since then it's been hard for Mia to make new friends. She's been paranoid and weary of new people ever since. She's always struggled with finding true friends, God knows what a bitch Lily is. Most people either wanted to be friends with her because of the money or because they wanted to date Elliot or myself. I'm glad she has Ana and Kate now.

"I'm so happy for you Christian, you guys are so good for each other, like all those beautiful songs Ana sung this weekend." Mia muses as she looks out the window.

"Her voice is how I met her at GEH." I confess.

"Oh my god, tell me the story don't leave anything out" she turns to me and holds my hand like a child.

I tell her the whole story and she listens intently and looks at me smiling and with tears in her eyes.

"Christian that is the BEST meet cute EVER!"

"Meet cute?"

"Yeah, every love story has that moment where two people meet and it's a cute encounter that is the beginning of their love story."

I laugh. "You're crazy, Mimi but I still adore you."

She snorts. "You better."

* * *

**Authors Note: **I hope this answered some questions about Ana's story. Let me know if you have any others. There's a lot more to Ana and Vishaal's story that will come out in the next chapters. I have written about 24 chapters in total as of now so lots will be happening.

**Pinterest:** www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - be sure to check out the board for chapter 11. Major romance sunset vibes.

**Music:**

_**Drive to Carmel By The Sea Playlist**_

Loyal - PARTYNEXTDOOR feat. Drake

IFLY - Bazzi

Superstar - Majid Jordan

Pusher Love Girl - Justin Timberlake

Bitch Better Have My Money - Rihanna

Mother - Charlie Puth

Enemies - Post Malone

Golden Hour - Kacey Musgraves

Moi - Lolo Zouai

* * *

Javeda Zindagi – Kshitij & Shilpa Rao - Hindi song that Ana sings in the car.

* * *

**_Drive to Big Sur Playlist_**

Slow Burn – Kacey Musgraves

Young – Vallis Alps

Fingias – Paloma Mami

Shore – Daniela Andrade

Come Away With Me – Norah Jones

Mystery of Love – Sufjan Stevens

Isfahan – E.S. Posthumus

Motion – Khalid

A Dedication – Washed Out

Summer Vegas – Lolo Zouai

Here With Me – Daniel Blake

Boy – Instupendo

Go Slow – HAIM

Resonance – Home

Ghostin – Ariana Grande.

* * *

Latch - Daniela Andrade - song Ana sings to Christian in bed.

Release Me - Inara George - song that Ana sings early morning before everyone leaves.


	12. Chapter 12 - Authors Note 03062020

Hi guys,

How are you all? Thanks so freaking much for the reviews. YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO LOVED.

I'm back. I just had a work deadline and then I was supposed to go visit family but the coronavirus has got me all paranoid. So I'm back and going to post another chapter tomorrow.

I wanted to take a moment to explain some stuff about the story before I start posting new chapters.

Since I'm portraying the South Asian culture, a lot of what Ana, will say and do in regards to her situation with feel incredibly frustrating to you all. I don't mean to paint my culture in a bad light at all but more so just highlight what I've seen and in some cases experienced. The culture and traditions are beautiful but thanks to toxic masculinity and the patriarchy, a lot of the shit that Ana will go through will feel disturbing. A lot of you are already like, "Well why doesn't she just tell her mom and Nani." There are a lot of layers and secrets that will reveal themselves and it will make sense but it still won't feel right on a personal level but if women go through a lot of shit and it's not right but here we are.

This story will really challenge Christian too. He will final realize that there is a limit to his reach. His dominant tendencies will not be able to win this time.

While Ana will seem submissive in regards to the culture she will be anything but.

If you have any questions; please let me know. I've been replying to reviews via PM too.

How are you all doing? Please stay safe and be sure to wash your hands a lot.

Much love,

Nadia.

EDIT UPDATE:

I realized after a few reviews that Ana's family and religious background may seem really confusing so I'm going to clear that up here.

Nana and Nani are originally Kashmiri and Muslim but settled in India before finally moving to San Francisco. They have two daughers, Nita and Alia who are also muslim but chose to marry outside of the faith.

Nita married Raymond Steele and embraced Ana as her own.

Alia married Rish Kapadia and has two children, Vishaal and Kiran - they both indentify as Hindu.

Karan and Aashu (real name: Aasha) are Arsh Kapadia's children. Arsh and Rish Kapadia are brothers who own Kapadia Global Industries.

Rania is Nana's sister's grand daughter. She identifies as Muslim. Rania has a brother Ahad and a younger sister Priya. Rania is married Raees and has a daughter named Aria.

There are a few more characters who will eventually make an appearance in the story but for now, these are the main ones from Ana's past.


	13. Chapter 13

Hey Fanfic familia, I'm back... earlier than anticipated. If you read the previous authors note update, you'll know why. Till then a couple of things; this chapter will introduce a new character and we'll see more of Ana's life and her POV.

A couple of translations:

Apa - older sister

Baita - child. this is mostly a gender neutral term in urdu/hindi for children but baita will usually be used to refer to male child and baiti will be used to refer to females... but that only happens in very specific contexts.

This chapter will contain easter eggs for future chapters, it'll be a slow burn but things will make sense soon.

* * *

Chapter 12 – My 21st century love.

_Monday, December 2nd , 2019._

**APOV**

Saying goodbye to Christian was difficult. I truly feel alone right now. My four best friends have left. Life suddenly feels empty. I pack all my things and I take one last look around the room and smile the memories I have. This is where my life began again. I'm in love now.

Luis comes by and gives me another hug and helps me carry my luggage to the front for holding while I go and get Nani for the drive back to the family house in SF. Once Uncle Rish and Vishaal leave for India tonight, I can breathe easy and the rest of the week can be smooth sailing.

I get to Nani's room and I see that they're huddled talking, Nani, Mama, Alia Khala and Uncle Rish. They smile at me when I come in. Uncle Rish comes up to me and kisses my forehead tell me how proud he is of how I handled the wedding and how everyone had so much fun.

We all head out and I hug all my favorite people at the resort and promise them I'll be back to visit for sure. As we drive up the coast back to San Francisco, I think about my drive with my favorite people from the night before. I listen to my playlist and think of Christian's lips and warm embrace. The safety he provides. I'm so alive because of him. Nani holds my hand and gives me a smile.

On our drive back I get texts on the group chat. They've all arrived safely and miss our weekend hangs. Christian texts me separately of course and tells me he's on his way to GEH and how he can't wait to see me again. I wish him luck on the meeting.

It's early afternoon when we get back to San Francisco, I help Nani to her room and we laze around. My mind drifts to Christian. The afternoon light seeps in, the song playing in my airpods isn't doing me any favors, and it makes me desperately wish his hands were on me. How will I last till Saturday?

_Kiss me, we're on fire, babe  
Love me, take me to outer space  
Kiss me, we're on fire, babe  
Love me, take me to outer space_

_Electric – Alina Baraz feat. Khalid._

Just as my mind starts drift I get a text from Christian.

CG: Hi baby, I miss you.

It makes me smile.

AS: I miss you too. How was the Gotha meeting?

CG: A success, thank you for all your hard work.

AS: It was a team effort :)

CG: What did you do today?

AS: We just got home a while ago, I came to nap in Nani's room, she gets the best afternoon light so I'm soaking it in.

CG: Wish I was there with you.

AS: We'll be together soon. Xo.

**CPOV:**

The entire plane ride I ignored everyone. I was lost in my own mind. I couldn't stop thinking about Ana. What a weekend, it was real and it was a dream. It makes me smile. It calms me. I message Flynn as soon as we land and ask for an emergency session. Thankfully he has an opening at 5pm.

"Taylor, I have an appointment with Flynn at 5pm today. I need security assigned to Miss Steele while she's in SF, just someone nearby should she need it. I'll text you the address of where she's staying."

"Consider it done sir."

"In addition, she's coming back to Seattle on Saturday afternoon, I'd like for you to take the jet and pick her up. I'd do it myself but we I have some important calls to make in the afternoon."

"Yes sir, will do." I see a hint of a smile on his face. Yeah Taylor, I have a girlfriend, shocking I know. Holy fuck, I have a girlfriend. The thought makes me giddy like a fucking teenager. This is embarrassing. I'm 30 and only now do I have a girlfriend... but then again I'm getting it right the first time. Perfect rationalization.

The Gotha meeting is a success; it only took for fucking ever to get this shit done. Ros is over the fucking moon.

"Well, well... had a nice weekend did we?" Ros asks raising an eyebrow.

I snort. "What makes you think that?"

"I don't know cause you suddenly have manners and you actually smiled... a million times today. Are you sick? Just making sure." Ros cackles.

"Fuck off Ros... and good work on this." She looks at me wide-eyed.

"Okay, now I'm really worried. You rarely ever compliment me. You're being too nice. Are you dying or something or did you get laid? Just give me a heads up... I need to prepare accordingly."

"Oh for fucks sake." I grumble trying to hide another smile. It's the Ana effect.

...

I get to Flynn's and wait in the reception area. I'm nervous. Fuck, this is all very new.

Flynn opens his door. "Christian, come on in." We shake and exchange pleasantries. "So tell me, how can I help?"

I take a deep breath and try to find the words to start with. As I mull around, Flynn speaks again "Okay then, I'm sensing a lot has happened since we last we spoke."

"Yeah and I'm honestly struggling."

"Okay start with the very first thing that happened then. The very first thing that happened after our last conversation that made you feel uncomfortable."

"It's not that I'm uncomfortable John, I'm just a little lost. I gained a lot this weekend, I'm just not sure how to process it."

"I see."

"After I told Ana I loved her, the day went by great. We were participating in the wedding but later that night when we went back to her room and she fell to the floor with extreme hip pain. She wouldn't let me call 911, she just asked me to get her medication and she took it. She gets severe pains like that from exhaustion and nerves. I helped give her a bath and she told me how terrified she was of me at GEH and that she didn't believe how gentle I was with her. That's it John, I'm a completely different person with her. I don't recognize this version of myself, and what's more is that I like this version of who I am."

"You're evolving Christian, it's natural."

"I just hope it's not temporary."

"Well, there's way to work on that to make sure it isn't."

"Yeah I guess... the next morning, we got dressed and I left her room and head out to the breakfast with Elliot, Mia and Ana's best friend Kate. Elliot and Kate are dating by the way. After a while Ana came walking towards us, shivering and she sat down between Kate and I and took her pain medication again but fainted trying not to scream from the pain. We carried her back to her room and Grace has the paramedics called and they administered and IV but John, when I saw her after she woke up...her eyes were vacant. She was completely lifeless. She asked to speak with me and told me everything. She barely cried." I can feel my eyes burn. My voice is strained and I lean forward, elbows on my knees holding my head.

"Do you want to take a few minutes?" Flynn asks softly.

"No, it's okay, I just need to take a minute and breathe... I sat with her and she told me everything she had been through. Her biological father committed suicide before she was born, her mother married her stepfather who legally adopted her and gave her his name. Her mother eventually abandoned her to find her to go on and marry other men. Her stepfather remarried and Kashmiri woman whose family came from money and they embraced her and taught her everything about the culture and language. She told me about the accident and her gut-wrenching recovery. I can't believe she endured all that John, if you were to meet her you'd never guess, I mean she's fucking life itself. She just lights up the fucking room..."

I take a deep breath.

"The brother of the bride, Vishaal, her adoptive cousin, raped the weekend before she started college. She has no memory of it, she just remembers that her cousin Kiran, the bride from this weekend and Vishaal took her out with a bunch of their friends to celebrate her new chapter in life and then she woke up the next morning, brutally raped and in excruciating pain. She couldn't tell anyone and she never realized who did it until a few months later. Vishaal became more aggressive in his affection towards her and now at family events he either tries to physically assault her or fuck with her mind. She has no proof of what happened and therefore is terrified of telling the family for fear of abandonment. She fucking gives her all to that family John. She has so much fucking love to give to every single human being she comes into contact with. I'm in awe... I... "

I can feel the tears fall from my eyes. I look up at Flynn and he's stunned. He nods slowly and I take another deep breath.

"She said something that completely floored me John, and my emotional range is so fucking limited that I couldn't say anything back except hold her as she cried..."

"What did she say?" John asks.

"She told me she felt alive with me. That when I held her hand, it was the first time she had felt safe since the accident and that she would go through all that pain and loss for just that one weekend with me. She had resigned me to a concept of us being a Goa Holiday, basically a dream weekend that she would hold on to because she didn't think we should continue once we got back to Seattle... because she thinks she doesn't deserve me. She has extreme self-esteem issues John, it fucking hurts to see and hear her talk sometimes."

I cradle my face in my hands trying my best to not sob.

"That's... definitely a lot to process." John says in a quiet voice.

"Oh there's more..." I say with chuckle. John smiles.

"Elliot gave me advice, can you imagine? He gave me advice and we hugged. That has never happened John. I have never hugged him in my life, except for maybe on occasion when we were kids. Ana has single handedly strengthened my bonds with my family. Elliot told me that I can't dwell on Ana's past but appreciate her journey to who she has become and how she has captivated all of us today. He told me that I had to focus all this energy I have into making her feel safe and loved rather than trying to murder the guy who took advantage of her... later that day, us siblings took Ana and Kate to Carmel by the Sea and we had dinner and we laughed, we laughed so much John, I've not experienced life with my siblings like that. We went by the water and took pictures. I never fucking take pictures but with Ana I did. We took fucking selfies John... I mean. I hate that shit but with her it was natural, it was what I craved. With all the unfamiliar emotion it has been the single best weekend of my life. I never wanted it to end. I experienced every emotion with her and I wanted more of it. She makes me want so much more in this life..."

I take a deep breath and take out my phone and scroll through to find the video of Ana and I laughing as Elliot says outrageous shit. I pass it to John. "Look at her John, I mean. Everything about her is just perfection" John plays the video and Ana's voice fills the office, her laughter as she scolds Elliot, how she squeals when I pick her up and spin her around. John smiles. "You're right, she's a beautiful woman and full of life. You too look so young and carefree here. It's a delight to see you both"

John continues, "Christian, I want to first say how happy I am that you've found someone that makes you look to the future in a meaningful way. It's really a joy to see. Secondly, I agree with Elliot. While the past does shape us in some way, it does not have to completely define us in the future. We can evolve from being a victim of the past. While Ana's past is important for you to understand in context of where she's coming from... it's also important to understand it in terms of how she wants to move forward. From what you're telling me, it seems like she's trying her best to create a meaningful life for herself filled with love and genuine relationships despite her trauma and low self-esteem and she does want you to be a part of it no matter how much fear she has about being found out."

I quietly nod.

"What are your concerns, first and foremost?"

"Well, have you met me? I'm a fucking psycho who beats the shit out of brown haired women for his own sexual pleasure. How the fuck am I going to explain that to her? How can I possibly tell her that after all that she's been through? She'll never look at me the same way again. I can't go back to life without her John, I can't go back to that empty life with no emotional connection. I just can't. She shows me affection like no other. She heals me. I couldn't possibly trust anyone like I trust her." I sob.

"Christian, that's a risk you're going to have to take. Otherwise you're just operating on borrowed time. This isn't something you can keep from her for too long. If she has told you everything about herself, it's only fair that you do the same. This is how relationships work. It's a back and forth, it's discussions, it's sharing of your biggest dreams and your deepest fears. I know this is a whole new world for you. You're experiencing real love and connection for the first time and it's addictive but it's also terrifying. You never emotionally progressed from your time with Elena and now Ana is showing you all these possibilities, so you've essentially gone from 0 to a 100 in this one weekend. It's jarring and exhilarating at the same time."

I take a deep breath and nod.

"Do you want to pursue any part of the BDSM lifestyle with her?"

"No. I barely thought about it the entire time I was with her. When I initially met her at GEH, yes, I thought about it but when I saw her at the wedding it seemed like such a reductive way to be with her. She's this bright light and intimacy with her is the safest and complete I've felt. I don't need rules. I only asked her once to not touch my chest and upper back and she completely understands it."

He smiles and nods.

We talk some more about how I can best explain everything to Ana about the playroom, BDSM lifestyle and realize it's going to take a baby steps, I can't make any decisions till she comes back and see where we stand.

**APOV**

My cousin Rania has decided to come by after work with her little girl Aria. I adore her. She's my little gremlin and about 2 years old. Perfect amount of monstrous energy but can easily just sit in my lap and let me sing to her and play while we relax on the couch.

"So, tell me EVERYTING." If there's one thing that Raniapa loves, it's a good girl talk session. We're holed up in the sitting in the TV room and munching on apples and Nutella.

"Oh god, Raniapa... what do you want to know?"

"EVERYTHING. Is he nice to you, are you happy, are you guys getting married?"

"Oh for effs sakes, I just met him. He's not a south Asian guy where we can talk about marriage immediately like deciding what drink to order next. He's a white guy... this shit takes time. Right now, I just want to enjoy this. It's my first ever relationship..."

"I know, I know. White guys are serious commitment phobes though and this man has never been seen with anyone. Does that bother you?"

"He's just really private Apa and no it doesn't because I don't want that attention either. I want to be in my own bubble without the drama."

He did mention something about private contractual relationships... I wonder what that's about? _Stop Ana. Stop. Just move on. Focus on the now._

"I hear you baby girl... but tell me the good stuff. Rate the dirty from 1-10!"

"You do realize your child is in my lap at this time?"

"So? She is a result of some really good dirty." She wiggles her eyebrows and it makes me laugh.

"Well, if I was going to rate it... just between you and me... it's a solid 100."

"You know... I don't doubt it. He's gorgeous, I would've been so disappointed if he didn't measure up."

We both cackle like witches and I feel a little more relaxed. Rania and Kiran are both 29 but just a few months apart... while they both have similar personality traits, the major difference is that Rania has been through struggles of her own but she's overcome them and has come out on top at whatever she's set her mind to and she's far more mature than Kiran, in fact she's the closest thing to Kate I have in the family. She's head of legal at my grandfather's company and so fucking smart that I'm sure she could give Mr. Travis the runaround without breaking a sweat. She's been working with the family company since she was 13. Every summer she interned and then Nana took her under his wing and she rose up through the ranks like the motherfucking champion she is. I was fortunate enough to spend time under hers and Kiran's tutelage too for a bit... only reason why an English lit major like myself can actually find my bearings at GEH legal now.

"Apa, please don't tell Kiran that you and I talked about this. You know how jealous she can be... she expects a full report from me and well..." There's no way I'm telling Kiran jack shit. I know how close she is with Vishaal and as much as I would love for this information to get back to him, it's not worth it.

She snorts. "Don't worry girl. My lips are sealed... I know how jealous and crazy those two can be. They're way too overprotective of you." I can't help but laugh at that. "But you are happy, right Aana? Because I will take down GEH and ruin him if he breaks your heart." She looks at me with intense sincerity and I have no doubt that both she and Kate would do whatever they could to destroy anyone who would try and harm me. _If only, I could tell you what I am dying to tell you._

"I'm so happy Apa, I know I'm still in the beginning of this but I'm honestly... I've never felt this way, I hope I feel this way forever." I can feel a lump in my throat.

"You will, baby. I saw how he looked at you during the wedding. He's so obsessed with you and rightly so." She puts her hand to my cheek and it makes me smile. "Damn, straight he was... didn't know what hit him." I say and we fall into a laughing fit, till out of nowhere Vishaal walks in to where we are sitting followed by Uncle Rish who gives us a quick hello and dashes upstairs to pack. _Great, now this fucker is back._

Vishaal walks towards us and gives Rania and hug and kiss on her forehead. He comes to me and kisses the top of my head since I keep my head down. I don't react. I just move to give Aria a kiss on her cheek to avoid having to face him. Focus Ana, it's okay. _Rania is here, baby Aria is in your lap. Just soak up her innocent energy. You will be fine._

"Chand se chehre par itni shaitani?" _Such a devilish smile on a face like the moon._

"Are you calling my child a devil?" Rania chuckles. _No, Raniapa, that comment was directed at me._

"Yes Rania, if the shoe fits your spawn then yes." He lets out a laugh and Aria immediately raises her hands asking him to pick her up. I reluctantly let her go. _He's evil baby, stay with me._

"So what were you girls gossiping about?" He asks standing and throwing Aria in the air.

"We were talking about Aana's boyfriend Christian and what a nice guy he is."

"Is that so? Is he a nice guy Aana? Surely, this was just a wedding fling, no?"

"Thank you for your concern but I think I know what my relationship is." I say smiling and with as much _'please fuck off' _politeness as I can.

"Vishaal, stop teasing. Be happy for our baby girl. She's growing up and found a good guy... gorgeous as fuck and good. The net worth doesn't hurt either." We both giggle and I see Vishaal's face turn to a grimace. _Take that, you asshole._

He scoffs and let's Aria down on the ground as she runs back to me and tells us he's going up to take a shower and work a little.

"You still hate his guts don't you?" Rania asks suddenly.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come on, Aana. Ever since that fight before your going away party, your relationship has been strained. I mean I know he was an ass but haven't you held the grudge for a little too long?"

"Wait, what fight?"

"The feminism debate where you put him in his place when we were at his apartment to pre-game before your party at Armure."

"I am so lost Apa. I remember very little from that night. Alcohol and I don't mix."

"Well, let me tell you. It was epic. He made some snide comment about how women should conduct themselves and you lost your shit, I wish I had recorded it. Needless to say, it shut him up and he looked pissed as fuck to have his ass handed to him and it took a while to get back to normal that night. But who can stay mad at you. You both were dancing in no time."

WHAT THE...? I have no fucking memory of this.

"I think it was the first time any one of us cousins gave him a taste of his own medicine. But then again, only you can do that Aana." She smirks.

"Raniapa, we just grew apart. I mean when I left SF, I did it with the intention of creating my life away from the family, it was important to me and in doing so, we became different people. It happens. People grow apart. I don't relate to him anymore." I shrug, desperately hoping this will end the conversation.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. It happens. Anyway, I don't want to waste anymore time talking about the brat. Can I leave Aria with you this week, I want her to have quality time with you. You're the only one I trust."

"Of course you can, it'll keep me busy and entertained."

"Good, I'm so happy. Plus it gives me us an excuse to spend time, it's been so long... and baby if you ever need any advice, I'm here for you. Always. You know that, right?"

"I know Apa. I'll be honest, I'm a little scared as well."

"Why?"

"Because... I mean, with you guys it's different. I mean I can hang at the weddings and stuff but his world is bigger and it's not like I've been to finishing school or... you know white people are different and cold. As much as I want to keep this hidden, it will come out eventually, should we go the distance and well... I don't want to be a disappointment."

"Listen to me Aana, I don't give a fuck about that finishing school shit. Yes, we all went to those god awful institutions and grew up in money but look at you, you're the realest and baddest bitch out of all of us. Stop measuring your worth by this shit. I will slap you, okay. Why the hell do you think I want Aria to spend as much with you and Nani. Now shut the fuck up and believe in yourself."

"LANGUAGE, Apa."

"Whatever, she already says fuck every now then. Raees has no filter either and the other day she screamed balls out loud when we went for brunch."

I can't help but burst out laughing. "Oh god, I'd pay good money to say that."

"Spend this entire week with her and you will." She winks.

...

**CPOV**

It feels suddenly so empty coming back to Escala. I finish dinner and go into the study to catch up on work but I don't feel like it. I look out the window and all I can think about it Ana. _What are you doing to me Miss Steele?_ I power through and read over two renewal contracts and financials for this company Ros has been eyeing for about 4 months now. I check the time and it's almost 11pm.

CG: Hey baby, are you sleeping?

AS: Not yet, Mr. Grey... was getting ready to.

CG: I miss you, Miss Steele.

She doesn't reply for several minutes but then suddenly she calls over facetime.

"Hi Mr. Grey. I miss you too" She smiles brightly.

"Hey baby, how are you... and where are you?

"Oh, I'm in the 'entertainment room'" she rolls her eyes and laughs. "It's in the basement and far enough from any possible eavesdropping." She giggles.

"Baby, are you sure, it's safe for you?"

"Oh yeah, Uncle Rish and what's his name left an hour ago for the airport. It's just Nita, Aila Khala, Nani and Nana at home for the rest of the week."

Thank fuck.

"You're okay? He didn't try anything?" I see her expression change.

"No, not really."

"What do you mean?"

"Christian, just promise me you want blow a gasket over this."

"What happened, Ana?" I feel my body tense.

"My cousin Rania was over with her little girl, I sent you a picture of us earlier this evening. Well, he came home for dinner and he hugged Rania and kissed her daughter and came in to kiss the top of my head. I couldn't exactly shove him away in front of everyone."

FUCKING PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT.

"Ana..."

"Christian, please, it's okay. I promise. I am fine. I had Rania and Aria there, this has happened more times than I can count. I am fine, I promise. I'm actually more than fine now that he's gone. This entire week will be good for me."

I close my eyes and try to control my breathing and count back form 10.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6...

"Hey... look at me." She asks me sweetly. I look to her and she smiles. She sitting on a couch with her head propped on her elbow and her hair open, flushed cheeks and face without makeup and those piercing blue eyes that I miss so much.

"I love you. so much. and I'm fine. I had so much fun today. My cousin Rania and I had such a great time catching up. I haven't been able to do that for a year now outside of our weekend facetime calls. I got to spend time with my niece and now I'll be spending time with her this entire week. I'm honestly in a really good place. Don't worry. I promise. I'm fine."

"I love you too, baby. Just please tell me the moment you feel like you want to come back. I'll make it happen."

She smiles again. "Okay, I will... did you have dinner?"

"Yeah I did."

"Did you yell at anyone at work?"

I laugh. "Surprisingly, no. Ros commented on how I was smiling a lot."

"Did she now?" she giggles.

"Yeah and I complimented her so she thought that I was either dying or that I got laid." I smirk at her and she laughs out loud. God. I miss that face and that sound.

"If only she knew Mr. Grey!"

"What are you plans for the rest of the week aside from playing babysitter... by the way, shouldn't you be relaxing?"

"I find being around babies relaxing and I want to be there for my niece whenever I can. Nani wants to go to the office tomorrow so I'll drive her there and then we might get our ritual lunch at fisherman's wharf. It'll be fun having Aria around as well, she's an easy baby to be around, not fussy at all and I can handle her all on my own, plus she gives the best hugs."

I fucking love her so much in this moment.

"I'm a little jealous Miss Steele."

"Deal with it Mr. Grey, I'll be back soon enough. Besides you'll be getting way more than hugs." She fires back and winks.

I can't help but chuckle at that. "So... what are you wearing?"

"Way too many clothes for your liking obviously but that's all you're going to get." She giggles

"Come on, Ana. Just a peek."

"This is my grandfather's house. I am not about to entertain this conversation any further." She's gone all shy on me and scrunches up her nose in embarrassment.

"In that case, you better rest up because this weekend... you're all mine Miss Steele. They'll have to send a search party for you."

"Deal." She giggles.

Fuck... i'm going to need a another cold shower.

* * *

_Thursday, December 4th, 2019_

Welch gets me the background report on Vishaal and it's nothing that I didn't already know about the family business. He looks like a fucking choirboy. Top 10 of his class at Harvard in both undergrad and grad school, determined, focused and a spotless record. I'm not satisfied. This is not the whole story. He has to have fucked up somewhere. He's had a steady string of girlfriends, almost too many but again nothing out of the ordinary. He's not all that bad looking. I feel a sudden rage of anger course through when I remember everything Ana told me. I need to find dirt on him. I pick up the phone.

"Welch."

"Sir"

"I need more information on this asshole. Dig deep."

"Yes sir. I'm trying to work the India angle too, maybe there's something there but it's a completely different landscape."

"I need something on him. Find it."

"Working on it, sir."

I want to throw my phone across the room. There has to be something. _SOMETHING_ I can use to bury this motherfucker into the ground.

The day drones on and I get a text from Ana just as i'm about to leave work.

AS: I hope you're on your way home Mr. Grey. Try not to work too hard.

CG: I was just leaving baby. I miss you.

AS: Miss you too. Just woke up from an afternoon nap with my gremlin niece and this song came on shuffle. It made me miss you, so I added it to our playlist. It's called Digital Age.

CG: I can't wait to hear it when I get home. Can't wait till your back.

AS: 2 more days and then i'm all yours. xo.

CG: All mine.

I get back to Escala and take a shower and change. Gail sets out dinner.

"Gail, for this weekend, could you stay around till Saturday evening and make dinner. I'll be having a guest. My girlfriend will be joining me. Anastasia Steele." Fuck, why am I so nervous about this.

Gail gives me a genuine warm and knowing smile. "Of course, Mr. Grey. Whatever you need. I look forward to meeting Miss Steele."

I tell her to make sure the pantry is stocked and ask her to take care of a few more things for Ana's arrival on Saturday.

After a bit of work in the study, I decide to head to bed and plop myself down. It doesn't feel the same. I haven't slept right since I left her. I miss her, I love her and I crave her.

_Flashback_

_"Permission to speak Mistress?"_

_"What is it pet?" Mistress asks annoyed as I sit, kneeling by her as she eats dinner at the dining table._

_"I have a question." I ask, nervously._

_"Ask." her tone is clipped. _

_"Is love real? I'm reading Romeo and Juliet in English and it seems intense and I have to write about it." I have been wondering about the idea of love recently. I know i'm only 16 but would it be so bad to be in love?_

_"Pet, love is for fools. It is not real."_

_"But mom and dad love each other."_

_"You are meant for things greater than love. Love only holds people back. It is a weakness. A parasite. Look at what happened to Romeo and Juliet, they died in the end. A fucking waste." She drops her cutlery and takes a sip of her wine. "I want you back in the playroom in 10 minutes. You need to be rid of these useless thoughts."_

_Mistress went to town on me that night with the cane. She made me repeart mantra "Love is for fools. Love is a weakness."_

_End flashback._

I rub my face and try to calm my breathing. I look through my phone and watch the video Ana sent this afternoon of herself and her niece as they ate apples at strawberries in the kitchen.

"Aria, say hi to my friends. Say, hi Kate"

The baby waves. "hi kate."

"hi mia!"

"hi ewwiot"

"hi chwischin"

It makes me smile. It makes me wonder about Ana as a mother and what kind of a mother she would be; with so much love to give. _Love can't be for fools._

I go to our playlist and click play on the new song she added and try to calm my thoughts and the music seeps through the sound system and the air. Two more days till she's back in my arms. _Love can be for me. I am not a fool._

_Lately I've thought about us,_  
_And my mind plays this game where it trusts,_  
_Every word that you said,_  
_My memory serves to save_

_I like this digital age,_  
_Where we're set to be forward in state,_  
_if I could code me a hologram,_  
_It'd be shaped like you,_

_My twenty first century love,_  
_There's nothing that could get across or between us,_  
_My twenty first century love,_  
_There's nothing that we could dream of that couldn't be done_

_I drawn a plan with the moon,_  
_It involves outer spacing with you,_  
_We could build our own graves,_  
_And give ourselves names like stars, stars_

...

**APOV**

Today was an eventful day. I had to drive Nani to the lawyers offices and then we had our ritual lunch at fisherman's wharf. Having Aria this time was fun, I kept sending Raniapa updates of our adventures and all I got was crying and angry emojis telling me how she hates that she's missing out on the fun. I put Aria down in Nani's room and head out with the baby monitor to go make some dessert for dinner tonight in the kitchen. Before I reach the stairs, I hear Nana call me from his office.

"Jee, Nana?" _Yes, grandfather?_

"Aao bhaitho, aap se eik baat karni thi" _Come sit. I wanted to talk to you about something._

Fuck. The last time this happened was 4 years ago. My grandfather has never been one for heart to hearts with me. He's always kept me at bit of a distance. Most of our conversations have been about school only and generally asking how I am. Even in recovery, he never really spoke to me but he's very different with my cousins. They are blood after all. I am much closer to my grandmother and have always spent most of my time with her.

"Khairiyat?" _Is everything okay? _I ask.

He gives me a small smile. I almost see sadness in his eyes.

"Everything's fine. I wanted to ask how you are doing?'

"I'm doing okay, Nana." I smile back.

"You did a good job at the wedding. I'm proud of you." Oh, god. Fuck, I'm going to cry. Don't cry. This might be the first compliment I've ever gotten.

My voice starts to waver. "Thank you, Nana. I'm glad that you liked everything. I had a lot of fun."

He nods his head. "So tell me, Christian Grey... is it serious?"

I gulp. Oh fuck, this is awkward. "It is." I can't look him in the face.

"How long has it been?"

"We met at the wedding Nana. I mean, I met him very briefly at work but it was nothing. I didn't even know he was connected to Daniel. It was a coincidence."

He chuckles. "It's okay, Aana... I just wanted to make sure you weren't being taken advantage of, but I can see he's from a good family. He's done very well for himself and that too all on his own, MashAllah." _With God's grace._

I smile. "Yes he has, MashAllah."

"Do you want me to do a background check on him?"

WHAT?

"Uhh... background check?"

"Just in case. I know he's from a good family but you never know." He offers by way of explanation. _Yeah, just like Vishaal is from a good family but look at what the fuck he's done. _But he's your grandson and heir to your fortune along with Kiran but you'll never know.

"I appreciate the offer, Nana but I'd like to hear his truth, if there is anything worth hiding, directly from him."

"I understand. Though, a man of his stature has probably already gotten a background check on you." The thought breaks my heart but I understand it. He has a right to look into me to protect himself.

"That very well may be the case, I know for work they do a background check, as far as personally I've already told him everything about myself. If he still decides to then, I can't stop him."

"Did you make him sign an NDA?"

"No I didn't and he hasn't made me sign one either."

"If he makes you sign one then I want you to make him sign one for you." Fuck... this is such an awkward situation.

"Nana, I wouldn't tell him anything about the family business. I mean Kate knows but I didn't make her sign one but she's never pressured me to sign one for her either. Any of my other friends at work and college, I've never told me them I'm related to you all. I've never wanted to get into this NDA business and since I never discuss the family so there is no need. I'm extremely private and I respect your need for privacy as well"

"I understand but again, should he make you sign one, I strongly urge you to make him sign one as well. Always keep the balance of power. I'm respect the honor code, it has served me well in life but at the same time, you treat the people the way they treat you." He says with finality.

"I understand and I will, should the time come."

"Are you happy?" He asks softly.

I nod but tears fall from my eyes.

"Why are you sad?" I can hear the concern in his voice.

I look up at him. "I miss Dad, a lot."

He nods. "He would be so proud of the woman you've become." And on cue the damn bursts.

He gets up and comes to me and kisses my forehead. Again, another rare moment...

When I've recovered a little he asks me about work. I tell him that I've finally found my bearings at GEH and I enjoy the what I'm doing and that my boss is actually a great mentor. I'm learning the ins and outs of how Christian maintains a diverse portfolio and even though it's very different from what Nana's business does since he's only focused on real estate and hospitality.

Later on in the evening when we've had dinner, dessert and settle in the living room for evening tea, Rania and I sit on the floor and talk about possibly going shopping tomorrow since she'll be taking a half day at work.

"Aana and Rania, can you get the harmonium?" Nana asks us and it throws me off guard. It's an unusual ask. We bring it over and he joins us on the floor sitting Indian style.

Mama Nita, Alia Khala Nani are sitting on the couch watching an Pakistani drama but pause it when Nana signals his intention to play for a bit.

"I want Aana to sing something for me." He smiles at me. Again, weird as fuck ask. He's never asked me to sing for him. Nani and Nita ask me to sing all the time and of course I'll sing at family dinners and weddings but Nana has never made a special request.

I smile. "Sure Nana, what would you like me to sing?"

"Khamaj." He says with a sad smile. Oh fuck, that is a heavy song. I've never been able to listen to it without crying. I nod silently.

He starts to play and I sing. I get to the part that makes me cry and I feel Rania signal me to hold her hand.

_Pyar tumhe kitna karte hain. (how I love you)_

_Pyar tumhe kitna karte hain. (how I love you)_

_Tum ye samjh nahi paaoge... jab hum naa honge toa piharwa..._

_you'll never understand, when I'm longer around my beloved_

_Tum ye samjh nahi paaoge... jab hum naa honge toa piharwa..._

_you'll never understand, when I'm longer around my beloved._

_Bolo kya tab aaoge – will you come find me then?_

_Bolo kya tab aaoge – will you come find me then?_

When we're done, I get a mini applause from my favorite ladies and Nana kisses my forehead again. _What is happening?_ "That was beautiful Aana." He says with adoration. I nod but I'm unable to look him in the eye.

"Okay girl, let's go get ice-cream!" Rania claps her hands. That's the code amongst us cousins when we have to discuss something private and gossip worthy. We tell everyone we'll be back in a bit and I pick up Aria and buckle her in the backseat and we head over to Swensen's on Hyde Street for our ice-cream fix.

"What was that about?" Rania asks as I drive down Broadway.

"The fuck if I know. He's never asked me to do that. He even asked to talk to me in the study today."

"Okay, spill. Now."

"He wanted to know about Christian, if it was serious. Asked if I made him sign an NDA."

"Which reminds me, the NDA we've given you... you've never fucking used it. What's that about?"

"Raniapa, I don't volunteer the information that I'm related to you guys or the business."

"What the fuck, we're you're dirty little secret? I'm OFFENDED." She places her hand on her sternum feigning shock.

"Yeah, you are." I bite back. "No man, I don't want people to see me differently. Like yes, you're my family but I don't have your money, I don't want people to get the wrong idea. So I keep this part of my life private. Kate knows shit but... that's Kate. She's from money too."

"Did he talk about the honor code shit?"

I laugh out loud. "Yeah he did. Asked me if Christian made me sign one, which he hasn't and said that if Christian made me sign one that I should return the favor."

"I personally don't agree with it. I barely trust people. I think you should bring it up with Christian, it protects you both."

"I know where you're coming from but all of this is very new I don't want to make it awkward. And you know I'm a vault."

"I trust you to the moon and back girlfriend... people can't be trusted but I will trust your judgment on this. You have never let us down."

"No pressure." I laugh.

"What else did he talk to you about?"

"He said he was proud of me." I stifle a sob.

Rania's voice wavers. "Well it's about fucking time Abdul Karim came out with it. You do know he's always felt that way about you right? He's just weird about expressing his feelings. He always asks me about you cause he knows we facetime every weekend."

"He does?"

"Yeah. He was concerned about you working at GEH, he was impressed with Christian's success but also thought he was a little too flashy."

"Well, he definitely is flashy." I laugh. We park and go in to get ice-cream and come back into the car and talk some more.

"With a face like that he deserves to be flashy." Rania gives me a cheesy grin.

"You think you'll ever come back and work with us? You did so good in New York deals."

"I'm not sure, Raniapa. I want real life experience and I'm getting that at GEH, it challenges me and I want to rise through the ranks on my own merits. You guys are so good to me but I want to really earn my place."

"No, I get it. Do you, girl. Just know that we're always here and you have a home." She holds out her hand and I take it. "I know Grey is expanding into hospitality and if he ever comes after one of our deals, I'll chop off his balls."

"BALLS" Aria screams and giggles from the back and we fall into insane laughter.

"Yes baby, BALLS." Rania laughs back. "So yeah, warn your boy toy."

"Oh, I most definitely will, Apa." I say trying to recover from little Aria's enthusiastic outburst.

* * *

_Friday December 6th, 2019._

**APOV**

I'm finishing the last of my packing. I sit with Nani and she braids my hair and says little prayers for me and my future. I'm aching to get back to Seattle. I sent updates in the group chat through out the week. Pictures and videos of Nani and myself and our little afternoon adventures, to fisherman's wharf, out for ice-cream with Aria etc and they send me the same sort of updates from their respective lives in Seattle. Christian of course barely participates in the picture sending, he just comments here and there. He prefers to text me separately and sends me the most over the top, sweet messages. It makes me smile. He checks on me every now and then and continues to ask if I need anything. It makes me feel so cherished.

Nani, Nita and Alia Khala are slated to leave for India the day after I leave. I'm so jealous but I also know there's no way in hell I can go, not with Vishaal on the loose.

"I'll miss you Nani."

"I'll miss you too beyta, but you can call me anytime, you know that. I'm always here for you, you can tell me anything. No more secrets from now on." She says smiling down at me.

"I know."

"How is Christian? I know you missed him a lot." She teases.

"He's good, he's excited I'm coming back tomorrow, I can't wait to see him but I'm still a little apprehensive." I muse.

"New love can be exciting and scary sometimes but he is a good person, I can feel it. He will take care of you but you have to let him. Let yourself receive love. You are worthy of it" Nani places her hand on my face.

"I will try." I say with my tears in my eyes.

"What do you want me to bring you from India?" she asks trying to make me feel better

"Just come back soon. That's all I want." I kiss her hands.

I finally told her last night about Vishaal, after I came home from my ice-cream excursion with Rania. It was a really heavy discussion but it's a weight that's been lifted off of me. I can tell she's heartbroken for me. She remained quiet throughout my revelation, mostly in disbelief.

I get up to finalize my bags and I hear my phone beep.

CG: Hey baby, what time is your flight tomorrow?

AS: 4:15pm, I should be back in Seattle by 6pm or so. Why, are you coming to pick me up from the airport? ;)

CG: I'd love nothing more but Ros have a meeting so I can't promise I'll be able to make it. Who's dropping you off at the airport?

AS: I'll be taking an uber. Will probably head out at around 2pm or so.

CG: I'll have a car waiting for you.

AS: Christian, please, that's too much. Besides you don't even know my address.

CG: You're on Presidio Terrace. I have people who can find out information for me.

I guess he did get a background check on me. I take a deep breath.

AS: oh God, I'm dating a stalker.

CG: You ain't seen nothing yet baby.

AS: I love you. Thank you for sending the car, I feel so special. Can you send me the name of the person and the car make and model they'll be driving? I need to give that information at the gate or they won't be allowed to enter.

CG: I love you baby, anything for you and everything has been pre-arranged. We were granted access.

AS: I guess the Grey name really has a lot of power.

CG: Miss Steele, you wound me. It's as if you have no faith in me.

AS: Just keeping you on your toes Mr. Grey ;). xo.

...

I'm lying in bed with Mama and we're talking about her plans for India.

"Mama, can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything, Aanu."

"Can you tell me what it was like when you fell in love with Dad?"

She turns to me and smiles.

"It was like finding the light." She says with tears in her eyes. "He was such a gentleman. He was easy to talk to. It was impossible to not fall in love with him and of course there was you as well, you were the added bonus." She winks and it makes me laugh.

"I wish he was still with us."

"I wish too. Every minute of every day." She pulls me in for a cuddle and I try my best not to cry.

"How does Christian make you feel?"

"Many things. I feel loved, I feel like I've found that light but there's that self-sabotage part of me that thinks I'm not worthy of him."

She pulls me away and looks me in the eye. "Listen to me Aanu, when I met Ray, I felt the same way. I felt I was too broken but I had to trust in his love for me. I had to let it carry me when I was too tired to carry myself. Stop trying to be strong all the time. It's okay to stop running; it's okay to let yourself breathe. Allow yourself to be completely _yourself_ with the one you love."

I nod silently. "You're right mama."

"Good. Now go to sleep. You're seeing your man tomorrow." She kisses my forehead and we both giggle like little girls.

* * *

_Saturday December 7th, 2019._

**APOV**

I kept waking up through the night. I did my best to take everyone's advice and change my mindset. I thought about the wedding and Carmel by the Sea and soon the excitement of seeing Christian seeped in. My body started to feel like it was floating.

I try and decide on what to wear. I want to look like how he saw me at the resort. I go through my clothes and decide on this green polka dot dress, it makes me feel like summer. I curl my hair and tie it up in a bun for the better part of the day to retain its bounce. I'll take it out before I board the plane to head out to Seattle.

I spend the better part of the morning sitting with Nani in the backyard. We soak up the sun one last time as we drink tea and eat oranges. I adore this ritual of ours.

Nita and Alia Khala join us for our morning tea ritual as well and we go over their India itinerary and plans for shopping. I'm secretly so jealous. I've always wanted to go to India but it's never been safe for me. With Vishaal always in tow, I just never wanted to take a chance, plus I know how they all would look at me. Just another white girl to take advantage of. Nani can only protect me to certain extent.

We talk through lunch and I get a text from Christian. I check the time and it's a little after 2pm.

CG: Baby, there's a car waiting for you outside. A Jason Taylor will be picking you up.

AS: I cannot thank you enough. I feel so cherished.

CG: Hush baby, just get back to me quickly.

AS: On my way Mr. Grey, xo.

I go to open the front door and am greeted by a man in a sharp suit, the sight scares the shit out of me.

"Miss Steele, good afternoon. My name is Jason Taylor, I'm Mr. Grey's head of security." Holy shit, head of security? Why is he picking me up? This is so weird.

"Um... Good afternoon, I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting you to be right outside the door." I half giggle, trying to recover myself.

"I'm sorry to have startled you, where can I collect your bags?" He gives me a small smile and speaks with paternal affection almost.

"Oh you don't have to do that, I only have two bags. Please come in, I'll be done in another 5 minutes. I just want to quickly say goodbye to my family."

"It's quite alright Miss Steele, I'll get your bags, take your time saying goodbye to your family."

He takes my bags and I quickly run to say goodbye by to Nita, Alia Khala and Nani. I said goodbye to Nana earlier in the morning before he left to go for a game of golf with a friend. They walk me to the car and give me way too many hugs and kisses that it's almost embarrassing. Taylor opens the door for me and I slide into the SUV and we head out.

"Mr. Taylor, thank you so much for picking me up. I really appreciate it."

"It's really no problem at all, Miss Steele and please, call me Taylor." He replies back smiling.

"How is Christian doing?"

"He's doing well ma'am, he looks forward to seeing you and was sorry he couldn't come by himself." I smile.

"How long have you worked with him?"

"About 6 years."

"Between us both, I'm almost surprised when I meet someone who's worked with him more than a year. Hearing him scream at people has always made me wonder how anyone ever sticks around at GEH. I've only been there about 4 months, and before I met him at this wedding I'd pray I never ran into him but of course fate had other plans."

Taylor laughs "Oh yeah, we've all incurred his wrath but he really is a good man, really takes care of his employees."

I smile at the thought. He's got the biggest heart underneath all that tough guy exterior.

I see Taylor take the exit to Oakland and get confused.

"Um Taylor, my flight is out of SFO... and it's almost 3:15, I'm a little concerned we might not make it on time with security check etc."

"Miss Steele, there's been a change of plans. We had your ticket cancelled and the money refunded to your account. Mr. Grey sent his private jet to bring you home." He tells me.

"WHAT?" I half scream.

Taylor chuckles. "I'm sorry I thought you knew."

"I.. I... I did not know." I stammer and I feel tears form in my eyes. I need to keep it together. This is too much but also super sweet. Fuck he really does love me.

We get to Oakland International and drive on to the tarmac to the GEH jet. I get out and nervously walk with Taylor to the plane. The pilot Stephan greets me along with Nicole the stewardess.

We board and I take my seat, Taylor sits across from me. It's so luxurious and I feel so out of place. Taylor can sense my hesitation and nerves.

"Miss Steele, please feel at ease. We'll be in Seattle before you know it." He smiles.

I give him a small smile. "I'm sorry, I know. I just wasn't expecting this, it's a little too much."

"Mr. Grey really is a wonderful man and goes to obscene lengths to take care of people who are close to him."

I swallow and smile again but I can't look at him.

"Miss Steele, would you like some champagne?" Nicole suddenly appears.

"Oh no thank you, just some water please." Nicole smiles and retreats. She returns with some chilled water and refreshments.

We taxi and make our way to take off a little while after. I look through the window and say a mental goodbye to the beautiful city below. I feel so conflicted.

I see Taylor on his phone typing furiously.

"Taylor, were you in the army?" I ask.

"Yes, I was." He smiles. "My dad was too. You both have the same stance and facial expression, I guess they really drill that look into you huh?" He laughs. "Yes they do. We're taught to blend in and fall in line."

"I get the sense you don't talk much but I talk a lot so I'm going to ask you tons of questions you'll just have to answer." I giggle. He smiles back at me and signals me to ask whatever I want.

He tells me about his time in the army and about growing up in the northeast. We bond over our high school band experience and he tells me he plays the tenor sax as a result and was part of jazz band in college and even went on the road. I ask him to make me a playlist of all the jazz music I absolutely need to know about. We shake on the deal. He shows me pictures of daughter Sophie who is just a ray of sunshine with the curliest blonde hair. She's due to visit Seattle soon and I ask Taylor to let me take her for a day out in the city. He laughs and agrees. He tells me that he's actually seen me around GEH quiet a bit, especially since I go greet the facilities and security staff every week for my GEH Monday ritual. The thought warms my heart.

We fly into Seattle airspace and it's gotten dark. The view is amazing; we land at Boeing and disembark to find a black Audi SUV waiting for us. I guess Christian really likes Audis. The drive to Escala is pleasant, I mostly stare out the window quietly. Suddenly the city feels so different to me; it's not just mine anymore. It's now where the love of my life lives. It feels brand new and exciting to me.

We pull into the garage at Escala where Christian lives and Taylor escorts me into the private penthouse elevator.

"Of course Mr. Billionaire has his own private elevator." I laugh and Taylor chuckles. It feels like a few seconds when we finally arrive at the 31st floor for the penthouse.

"Miss Steele, I'm going to put your bags in Mr. Grey's room, please make yourself at home, he's in the study finishing up a call and will be out momentarily."

"Thank you so much Taylor, have a good evening."

"You too." He gives me a nod and disappears.

I'm lost a little; I look up and around and walk to the big windows across from me. This place is like museum, huge and pristine. I'm afraid to touch anything. I look out the window towards the twinkling city lights. It's so peaceful and beautiful from up here. It's starting to snow a bit outside, flurries; it'll probably be fleeting. I take out my phone and quickly text Nita, Nani & Kate to let them know I've arrived safely.

I suddenly feel so out of place and nervous. It feels unreal that I'm here in his space. I have no anchor of my own to cling to if I feel like I'm falling. I try and say a prayer to calm my thoughts.

* * *

**Authors Note**: SO! tell me your thoughts. Eager to hear them. Also, I found this house for sale forever ago, it's 26 presidio terrace in San Francisco. When I was coming up with idea for this story I immediately remembered that house. I've added the pictures to pinterest under chapter 12.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

**Music:**

Electric - Alina Baraz feat. Khalid

Digital Age - Daniela Andrade

Khamaj - Fuzon


	14. Chapter 14

Thank you to everyone for the lovely and kind messages about my trip being cut short. Safety first I guess but I'm so glad you loved the last chapter. Some reviews really stood out so I'll be replying to them here:

**Gowildcats**: I had to. The white guy references were a must.

**Shan36:** I replied to you via PM.

**LuvDisney2007:** they are not a mob family. thought maybe I should write that idea in? haha. they are actually just a really private family, at least the grandfather is and he dictates the culture of privacy around the family who is involved in his company. We will find out more about his business and Kiran and Vishaal's father's business in Chapters 19-21. The secrets component is part of the south asian culture. certain topics are taboo and unpleasant truths aren't always talked about with ease, things are communicated in hushed tones and behind closed doors and Ana's reluctance to do anything will be at times so incredibly frustrating but it will make sense soon why she chooses to remain quiet.

**Tammi:** HI! loved your review and wanted to address it here. So what Ana meant about not having Rania tell Kiran anything was strictly in regards to the details of her relationship with Christian especially her girl talk session with Rania. So what Rania did wasn't at all with bad intention but just a casual remark and Ana was not at all offended by what she did. Everyone else in the family otherwise knows that they are together. Kiran and Vishaal's relationship with Ana before the rape and college will slowly come through in the future chapters. I will say though, that they do both feel a sense of ownership over Ana. In different ways of course. Kiran and Vishaal are in comparison to other cousins, more on the jealous side. Kiran is a little loose lipped and Ana controls the information she gives her because she knows how close she is with Vishaal. As far as the NDA's go, that is purely a power play thing. Nana doesn't want Ana to be at a disadvatage and intimidated by Christian. In regards to the argument that Vishaal and Ana had, it's definitely important... in terms of some realizations that Ana will have and future chapters will also show why the family never really picks up on Ana's discomfort with him.

**Carol222:** I'm rooting for Welch but Vishaal has tricks up his sleeve and he is a patient motherfucker. That's all i'm gonna say. Haha. That little girl is going to make an appearance here and there in the story and will yell many inapporpriate words.

Dammit. Now I wish I could post everything. But I have a lot of revisions to make and ideas for some new chapters that need to be written out. Sigh. I wish scientist could have work on sleep storage cells that I could plug into my veins and power through.

This is bit of filler chapter but I'd written it and wanted to share it with you all.

* * *

Chapter 13 – what's mine is yours and yours is mine.

_Saturday, December 7__th__, 2019_

**CPOV**

I walk into the great room and see Ana lost in thought looking down from the windows. She's looks adorable in polka dots, with her hair curly and cascading around her shoulders and back. As I get closer she's scanning the view in front of her and humming. I quietly put my arms around her waist, she gasps and jumps out of the embrace yelling "mother... creeper... you scared me" out of breath as she turns around. She looks so god damn beautiful with her cheeks flushed and her deep blue eyes. I can't help but laugh.

"Now is that how you greet your boyfriend after 4 days?"

Her eyes open wide. "Boyfriend? I'm sorry, I don't remember receiving your application and resume for the position. Just because you have an in with top management doesn't mean you can waltz in and start taking what you like Mr. Grey. That's not how we run things at Anastasia Rose Steele, Inc." she replies waving her finger at me with that whip smart sass I've been missing. "Please apply and we'll review your application and decide if you're a good fit. Should you meet the criteria, we'll keep you on a 3 month trial basis and then revisit this conversation for a more permanent arrangement." She crosses her arms and raises an eyebrow.

My jaw is on the floor; her sass is always on point. "Miss Steele, you wound me." She giggles and skips to me throwing her arms around my neck, standing on her tiptoes with her beautiful blue eyes looking into mine. "Kiss me Mr. Grey" she in a low seductive whisper. I can't help but melt into her as I take out the last three days worth of longing out her mouth as small moans escape her. When I break the kiss she's in a daze, slowly opens her eyes and giggles looking into mine. "I missed you so much, Christian."

"I missed you more, Ana. Come let's have some dinner."

We walk to the kitchen and I work to get two glasses and a bottle of wine.

"Um... Christian, I'll just have some water. Please don't pour wine for me." Ana hesitates a little.

"Is everything okay? You don't like wine?" I ask and remembering how she never drank a sip of wine, no matter how many glasses she was offered.

"I'm just anti-alcohol for myself. Not into it." She stares at the marble pattern on the kitchen island.

"May I ask why?"

"The one time I had alcohol, my life turned upside down and I just can't seem to separate the two. Maybe when I grow a little older I'll feel different about it." She shrugs with a small smile.

"Is it okay if I have some? I won't if it makes you uncomfortable." I offer.

"Oh sure, please, I don't mind at all." She looks at me so innocently.

I finish pouring wine for myself; pass her a glass of sparkling water and go to sit next to her. I tuck a strand of her hair behind her hair and give her a small kiss.

"You want to play some of your music on the sound system?"

"Can I?" she asks with childlike wonder. I show her the dock and she heads over to connect her phone to the bluetooth. "I think we need some Britney up in this joint." I laugh and she ends up playing the Oboe Concerto version of Mozart's piece called 'I. Allegro Aperto'.

"A grand place in the sky deserves some music to match it." She muses.

"I didn't know you liked classical music." I ask surprised. "I listened to all kinds of music in recovery Christian, and then a few years ago I fell in love with this show called Mozart in the Jungle and they made classical music so fun and beautiful, that I had to create a playlist." Ana tells me. She's such a wonder. I'll never stop being surprised.

"Tell me how was San Francisco?" Even though, I know the answer to this mostly. I got security updates every time she left the house. Pictures of what she was wearing, the car she drove... places she visited. I feel a little guilty but I'm never going to take a chance on her safety.

"It was so good. I spent all my time with Nani and Aria and we sat in the sun and drank tea and ate oranges and gossiped about random things. Then I'd take her out every day for errands and ice-cream... just anything really. She's always homebound so I tend to kidnap her every now and then and we go on our joyrides." She giggles. " My cousin Rania will check on Nani and Nana every now and then but now she has her own family so it's less now. Kiran hasn't lived at home for years and when she does go home she's always out. Vishaal has his own apartment but even when he decides to stay at the family house sometimes, is such a shit and only cares about himself so the only time she does anything remotely fun outside of medical or office related trips, is when I'm around. That's why I'm the favorite." She smirks.

"You're everyone's favorite. That's really sweet of you to do." I smile at her.

"It's the least I can do, after everything she's taught me and done for me. I can never repay her." She tears up and I hug her and kiss her.

Mrs. Jones comes into the kitchen and Ana jumps again. It's comical.

"Is it scare the bejesus out of Ana day' because this is like the third time it happened." She laughs.

I introduce her to Mrs. Jones and they hit it off, I'm not surprised, Ana is just so effortless that way.

"How was your flight, everything was okay?" I ask.

"Christian it was more than okay, I mean, I flew back here in a private jet. Careful, I might become one of those high-maintenance tyrants all the tabloids are rambling on about." She giggles.

I chuckle, "Do your worst Miss. Steele."

She continues "but seriously thank you, it was so over the top and incredibly sweet of you to do." She puts her hand on my cheek and I lean in to kiss it. I see Gail smile at the exchange from the corner from my eye.

"Taylor was great company, he was in the army like my dad so we bonded on that. Plus he took tenor sax in high school, just like me. And god, his daughter is such a ray of sunshine. She'll be heartbreaker when she grows up. I can already tell. I can't wait to meet her, Taylor told me she'll visit soon." She beams and I realize I never knew much about Taylor personally outside of his army qualifications and the fact that he has a young 8 year old daughter Sophie and here Ana has managed to extract all this information within a 2 hour flight.

"You were in band? Nerd!" I tease.

"Hey, don't hate on band, it's one of my best memories of high school. People in band are so kind to each other, it was the safe space I had in high school." She smiles wistfully.

"Mrs. Jones, you were probably in theater right?" Ana asks her out of the blue.

Mrs. Jones, looks back and smiles, "Spot on, how did you figure?"

"Your voice! It's so soft and melodic. Plus you're beautiful, so you probably got all the leads and all the cute guys." She smiles and winks at Gail, making her laugh. I watch the exchange and it warms my heart, she sees the best in people.

"What do you think I was like in high school?" I ask her.

She looks at me and it's as if her eyes cut through and see my soul "I'm guessing you were the hot but broody teen. All the girls wanted to talk to you but you just wanted to break stuff in woodshop" She laughs teasingly. I'm floored. She sees right through my bullshit. I was known for being a brawler and it was a miracle I never landed in juvie. _Yeah because you got 'tied up' with a certain someone, Grey._ I quickly dismiss the thought from my head.

"Yeah all the girls definitely wanted me." I smirk.

Ana rolls her eyes. "Did you roll your eyes at me Miss. Steele?

"Yep, deal with it Grey." She laughs and I kiss her again.

A new song plays through the speakers and I can't tell really who it is so I ask "Is this Yo Yo Ma? It sounds like him."

"Yep, it's called "A lenda do Caboclo" by Heiter Villa-Lobos and Yo Yo Ma. I probably butchered the pronounciation, but I love this piece."

"It's beautiful Ana." Just like her. Every piece of music she plays, from every genre is wonderful because of her.

Gail has made my favorite, baked salmon with mashed potatoes and asparagus in hollandaise sauce. Ana loves it and eats it all up. After serving, Gail retires for the weekend while Ana and I talk endlessly about everything and anything. She's throws her head back and laughs every now and then and her voice echoes throughout the place and it warms my heart. She breathes life into this place.

"Baby, you want a tour of the place?" I ask, putting our dishes in the sink.

"Yes please, I meant to say this before but got distracted by this random guy trying to be my boyfriend... ANYWAY... your home is beautiful. Insanely huge, but beautiful" She laughs. I fucking love her.

I take her through the kitchen to the TV room, followed by the library, where she is in awe of the book collection I have, we make our way on and end up at my office. She smiles and tells me all her favorite things about each room. "What's upstairs?" She asks. I feel a sense of panic but quickly dismiss it. "It's just guest rooms, nothing special." Will I ever tell her about the playroom? Should I just dismantle it? I'm so conflicted.

We walk back through the kitchen towards the direction of the foyer back to the great room, where the piano is followed by the couches and fireplace.

"I didn't know you could play Christian. I feel so bad, I took over the weekend and never got to ask you anything or learn things about you." She says with sadness as we reach the piano.

"Baby, the best part about the weekend was that it was all about you. I just got be Christian, a guy who fell in love with you. It didn't matter who I was in real life or where I came from. It was just us and now we're here and we have all the time to get to know each other." We're now sitting on the bench and I raise the lid off of the piano. Ana grabs my arm and kisses my cheek.

"Play me something Mr. Grey." She asks sweetly, resting her chin on the end of my shoulder. "Only if you promise to sing while I play." I reply. She smiles. "I know the perfect song but... wait." She runs up to pick up her phone from near the audio console and quickly searches for something as she walks back. "I have the sheet music for it. Would that work?" I take a look at it but not before taking out my own phone to record this. She doesn't know I'm doing it but I want something of hers to listen to when I'm away or without her.

I read the sheet music quickly and realize it's just a few chords. I start to play. She watches my hands as I play.

_They say love is in the air  
So why can't I breathe in this repair_

_Let's say we trade heartbeats  
what's mine is yours and yours is mine_

_For when you're here with me  
I sleep so peacefully at night_

_Now heavy coats we wear  
Snow clinging to your hair_

_Let's say we both believe  
That maybe all we need is time  
Then maybe truthfully  
We will be perfectly aligned_

Her voice travels and echoes through the room and it give life to everything.

_I don't care what they say  
I am already awake  
My hands are shaking for you  
For you_

_Let's say our lips will meet  
We'll become lovers as I've seen  
It can be black and white  
or all the spectrums in between_

She looks up at smiles at me sweetly as she sings.

_I don't care what they say__  
__I am already awake__  
__My hands are shaking for you__  
__For you._

I finish playing and she holds my hand looks up at me smiling. I lean into her and hold her gaze for a moment and kiss her.

"I love you, Ana."

"I love you, Christian." She replies with tears in her eyes.

"Can you play me your favorite piece?" Ana asks.

"I have so many but truth be told, I'm looking for a new favorite. Everything I played before I met you was so sad and now I am looking for something that describes how I feel now that you're in my life." I tell her. "Even if it's sad, I want to hear it." Ana puts her head on my shoulder.

I proceed to play Prelude in E-Minor by Frédéric Chopin. At one point Ana lift her head and runs her hand through my hair as I play and grazes her knuckles against my cheek. I lean in as she does it. It's small gestures like these that make my heart swell and fill me with so much emotion. When I finish, she has tears in her eyes and I kiss her again.  
"We should totally go on tour together." Ana laughs, wiping her tears. "We'd sell out all the venues, it'll read 'Steele & Grey' on the Marquees near and far and the crowds will go wild for us." she giggles "Though, they'd just come to see your gorgeous face play and I'm okay with that, as long as those seats sell out." She's so playful I have to laugh.  
"You just want to use me for my body Miss Steele? I'm hurt."

"If you're trying to shame me, it won't work. I'm shameless." She giggles. "Just how I like you Miss Steele." I kiss her again.  
"Baby, let's take a bath." I offer and we make our way into my bedroom. When we walk in she laughs out loud "Oh god, you're room is like the size our kitchen and living room combined, which means your bathroom will probably be the size of a studio apartment." She giggles. We get to the bathroom and she laughs again "Yep, I was right... OH MY GOD... your walk-in closet... it's literally the size of my bedroom." I smile at her and shake my head. "Miss Steele, you're hilarious."

"I try, I try." She shrugs playfully. I start the water in the bath and walk back to her. I put my arm around her waist and kiss her like my life depends on it. She put her hands in my hair and pulls me in more; I push her back against the bathroom wall and lock her arms above her head and flush myself against her. She moans and arches her back raising her leg and locking it over me. I fucking love how to reacts to me. She needs me just as much as I need her. I break the kiss and look into her eyes and see the fire in them. "I missed you so fucking much, Ana."  
"I need you Christian." She pants as she grinds herself into me desperate to find some friction. I grind into her again and she throws her head back and moans biting her lip as I lick and kiss her neck. I let her arms go and unwrap and peel her dress off of her. She's braless, just how I like it and wearing a black lace thong. I lean into her lips, cupping her neck and run my finger along her waist "I like these very much baby." and bite down on her bottom lip. She mewls and giggles "that tickles Mr. Grey."

I trail kisses down her neck to both her breasts, putting my arm around her waist and kiss her breasts as I bite and suck on them. She bucks off the wall and her moans loudly, "Christian, please..." I drop down to my knees and trail kisses along the band of her thong as she runs her hands in my hair. I look up at her and she's lost in the sensations. I slide down her thong and help her out of it and then make way to trail kisses up each thigh up to the Promised Land. I raise her one leg and put it over my shoulder as I kiss and suck her. "Oh fuck!" she gasps and now both of her hands are in my hair, she moves her hips in a rhythm and it reminds me of her dancing during the wedding. God she's perfect and so in tune with herself and what she needs. I continue my assault as I moan my appreciation into her pussy and I know she can feel it vibrate through her as she continues to call out my name. I can tell she's almost there so I insert on finger and she bucks out even more gasping "Oh god... yes!" I insert another and increase speed and within no time she screams and lets go, crying my name. I quickly stand and hold her up and she tries to recover and gather her footing with her legs all-weak like jelly while her body shivers slightly. I hold her face and kiss her. She looks up dreamily. "Welcome home, baby." I whisper. "Hmmm Mr. Grey, I could really get used to this."

We're sitting in the bathtub, relaxed and basking in the warmth of the water. I kiss her every now and then and flicks water bubbles.  
"Tell me more about yourself, what are your hobbies?". Ana softy asks. "Oh and please don't say you enjoy various physical pursuits because when I read that quote in the article that Kate wrote I couldn't help but roll my eyes."

I laugh and kiss her temple. "Well, aside from getting my fill of you Miss Steele, let's see. I love soaring or gliding as some call it."

"What drew you to it?"

"I crave control and love a challenge and it presented both and reward is that when you soar at the right time, you can see the sun rise and Ana, it's the most beautiful thing. I've love to take you." I say. She looks back beaming. "I'd love to go, Christian." I pull her in for a kiss. I can't get enough.

"What else can you do?"

"I fly my helicopter." She immediately bolts up and looks back. "You have a helicopter?" she asks and quickly erupts into a fit of laughter, I can't help but laugh with her but she can't stop and ends up howling and she looks so young and beautiful... "I'm so sorry, I'm not laughing at you, it's just that I immediately thought of Arnold Schwarzenegger yelling 'TO THE CHOPPA!" and she continues to laugh like a child. I can't help but laugh too. "You and Elliot, are one and the same when it comes to that. Fucker, always calls it choppa or chopper to annoy the shit of me." I tell her.

"We tease you because we love you." She leans in close and kisses me and then sits with her back to me, her giggles subsiding. "Mr. Grey, you have expensive and dangerous hobbies I must say, but I think I really like that about you." I kiss her forehead and she takes a breath and hums a little tune.

"What about you, Miss Steele? What are your hobbies?"

"I like reading which I haven't been able to do much given this wedding business. I like a lot of solitary activities. I mean don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with Kate and friends in general but I like doing stuff alone as well. Like going to museums or even to the movies alone. My favorite is walking the city on my own and just looking around like a tourist. I like learning new things oh and I love cooking and baking."

"Why do you like being alone?"

She takes a deep breath. "It helps me recalibrate. Also, while in recovery when I'd wake up in the middle of the night, I'd be alone and lonely... I had to learn to get comfortable with it. I thought about a lot of things. I made lots of plans and well... anyway. I just went from never wanting to being alone when I was kid to being so incredibly alone in my own body that I just got used to it. Now, whenever I'm overwhelmed, I sometimes crave the silence, I crave the idea of being alone. I adore my friends I do but I sometimes need time away where I'm just in my room with my own things. I used to be lonely but now I've figured out the difference and can act accordingly to rectify the situation for my mental health."

I rest my head in the crook of her neck. "I understand craving being alone and needing silence. I used to feel the same way."

"I guess I developed it as a defense mechanism to keep myself for getting hurt any further. If I don't have an immediate need for anyone then I won't feel so lonely after they leave. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah it does." I kiss her neck. I know exactly what she means but she doesn't deserve to be alone. She deserves to be cared for and loved with freedom to be herself in the most authentic way possible. Not alone trying to protect herself from the world and hurt.

"Christian?" she suddenly asks. "Yeah baby?"

"Can we not tell anyone at work about us. I mean can we just stay in this bubble for as long as we can and only tell HR and PR when we absolutely have to? I mean it's not like you and I interact at work anyway." She sounds worried and I can feel her body tense against me. I try to ease the tension.

"Well technically we are in a bubble, a bubble bath that is." She laughs "Now who's got the smart mouth Mr. Grey?' I tip her face to me and give her a big wet kiss and she giggles again.  
"I want you to be comfortable Ana and if that makes you feel comfortable then I'm more than fine with that. We'll go at your pace." I say truthfully. I can sense her relax. "Thank you, Christian, I'm just really scared and trying to have some degree of control myself." Her voice cracks.

I tip her head back to me, "Babe talk to me, what's on your mind?"

"This is all just so new to me and I love every second of it but I can't help these negative thoughts that bring in crippling fear. I don't want to get into trouble or cause you trouble. When we all went to the beach on Sunday, Christian, it was the best time of my life. I wanted it to last forever. No one knew who we were and we were just being silly and singing in the car. I don't know, maybe I have vacation blues." She sighs. "And here, I don't want to hide indoors forever, whatever, I'm rambling. It's fine. We'll just deal with stuff as it comes." She finishes.  
I caress her cheek and she looks at me, eyes red. I love how she much she wants to protect what we have.

"We're gonna be fine baby, I love you." I lean in a kiss her. She nods and smiles "I love you."

"How are things at GEH? I hope it wasn't too bad missing a whole day of work?"

"The wheels kept turning, the Gotha meeting was a success as you know. I have to say, it's refreshing to talk about work with you, I don't have to water it down with you because you get it, and you'll know understand what I go through. Legal gets the brunt of everything anyway. I should've thought of dating an employee before." I tease.

Ana giggles. "Yeah we do but I want to help you in any way I can" she says looking back with such innocence. "Thank you baby, I'm so glad I scared the shit out of you last week, how is your hand by the way? She giggles and raises her hand "almost healed and you can't even see it under all the henna." She smiles and gives me a small kiss.

**APOV**

Christian leads me to the bed we get in and get comfortable; his bed is huge and warm. He spoons me and kisses my neck. I turn around and put my arms around him and he smiles as he kisses me, like he hasn't kissed me in years. I savor the feeling.

"I missed this." I tell him. "As much as I loved spending time with the family, I had major Christian Grey cuddle withdrawals. You've spoiled me for life now."

He smiles and traces his fingers up and down my back inside my shirt. "I missed this too, so much. I barely slept. I just wanted you to be next to me. Humming in your sleep."

"Wait what, I hum in my sleep? That's so embarrassing." I cover my face. He kisses my hands and pulls them away. "It's one of the reasons I fell in love with you. That first night we were together, I woke up and saw you, your face was bathed in moonlight and you were humming, like you were made of music and I kissed your lips and went back to sleep." God I love this man. He makes me feel so beautiful. I kiss him and he deepens it, his tongue taking it's time and consuming me. He lifts my leg and locks it over his hip and grinds into me.

"I want you baby... I haven't had you in almost 5 days." he pleads.

"I'm all yours, take me." I moan. Thank god, I'm not wearing panties. One less thing to worry about. He takes my t-shirt off and pulls his boxers down and slides on top of me kissing me, as I hold his face to me. I bite and suck on his bottom lip and groans. He moves down to my breasts and sucks and bites on one of them as he kneads the other twisting my nipple, it hurts but it feels so good. I feel myself as a wet mess and I know I desperately need him inside me now, as I run my hands through his hair.

He continues his delicious torture but I can't take it anymore and before I know it the words are out of my mouth "I need you inside me... Christian, please..." my voice dripping with desperation.

Christian moves, kissing and licking me as he comes back up to my face. He holds my face as he softly kisses me, sucking on my lips and tongue and moves to enter me slowly. I feel every inch of him and it sends me into a complete tailspin as I feel every cell in my body burn bright for him.

He takes his time and I love every second of it. "I need this slow baby, I need to have my fill of you. You're mine." He breathes in between thrusts. "So completely yours" I gasp back, out of breath.

I feel myself climb higher and higher and I no longer recognize the sounds coming out of my mouth.

"Open your eyes, Ana." He commands but I can't, I almost there. Just a few more... but he stops. "Open your eyes, baby." I open and look into his dark and stormy eyes. I feel like I'm hypnotized as he starts to move again, achingly slow. "Come with me baby..." He breathes and bites my lip and a few thrusts later we finally reach our release and it's every bit as intense as I knew it was going to be. Christian falls into my neck panting, "How is it always this incredible with you baby?" He asks with wonder sliding down nuzzling into my breasts.

"It's because we're meant to be Christian." I say as I caress his face and he kisses the palm of my hand.

We lay in silence trying to return our breathing to normal "Your middle name is Rose. It's fitting."

"How so?"

He shifts and moves so that we're laying face-to-face, arms and legs tangled in each other, lips grazing each other.

"It reminded me of when you walked in for the introduction for the Sangeet, you twirled around when you got the center and your saree flowed and moved in a way as if a rose was blooming, it was incredibly cinematic." He confesses and it stops me in my tracks. God he has such a way with words.

I give him a small kiss.

"I guess it only made sense that it did. You were my Spring after I had only known winter in my life, I began again and I had no choice but to bloom for you" I say with tears in my eyes.

"I love you so much Ana." He crushes me with a kiss. "I love you." I say back between kisses.

* * *

Sunday, December 7th, 2019

**CPOV.**

_She's singing as I brush mama's hair. My hands are too small to hold the brush and her hair is so soft. I can smell cake. I love cake. I hear the door knock. I reach on my tippy toes and open it. She's standing in a white dress with a red ribbon in her hair; she kneels down with a chocolate cake. "Hi baby boy, let's have some chocolate cake." Ana takes my small hands and feeds me cake and kisses my cheek._

My eyes fly open. What the fuck was that. My face is in Ana's hair and I'm holding her, but I'm not sweating. This is not a nightmare. It's different. This feels weird. I check the time 2:34am. Another hour passes and I'm still wide-awake. Ana's stirred a few times, humming every now and then and talking a little but she doesn't wake. I finally get up and walk out of the room and close the door to head to the piano.

I sit there trying to figure out what to play, like many other nights since I've come back from the wedding. I don't want to play anything sad, I want to celebrate finding Ana but the darkness in me still lingers; the pain and darkness of my fucked up past. The crackwhore and her pimp. The smell and pain of cigarette burns against my skin. Memories of 26 years ago still crippling me. All this success and I'm still held back by that trauma. I start to play chords together to see what comes of it. I don't know how long I play for, but I see Ana walk in and sit next to me, her hair framing her beautiful face, her body clad in my t-shirt.

"I'm sorry if I woke you."

"You didn't, I just didn't feel you next to me and I came looking for you." She smiles. "Is everything okay, you look so sad."

"I just had a weird dream."

"Nightmare?"

"Not exactly."

"I know there are things in your past that haunt you too, I can feel it in your body and see it in your facial expressions sometimes...but know that I'm always here whenever you feel safe to talk. I know how much it takes to describe the events of past trauma. So, no pressure. If the Monday's fiasco hadn't happened at the resort, I'd probably still be figuring out how to tell you everything."

"I just need time." I whisper.

"Take all the time you need. I'm here." She touches my cheek and I lean into it.

She stands up and climbs into my lap, straddling me, holding my face and gives me a soft kiss with a smile. She holds me gaze and begins singing and it sounds like a prayer.

_Be still and know that I'm with you_

_Be still and know that I am here_

_Be still and know that I'm with you_

_Be still, be still, and know_

_When darkness comes upon you_

_And colors you with fear and shame_

_Be still and know that I'm with you_

_And I will say your name_

I see her eyes start to get teary. She looks into my eyes and runs her hand through my hair, as if she were trying to heal me. I really don't deserve her.

_If terror falls upon your bed_

_And sleep no longer comes_

_Remember all the words I said_

_Be still, be still, and know_

_And when you go through the valley_

_And the shadow comes down from the hill_

_If morning never comes to be_

_Be still, be still, be still_

Her voice echoes throughout the apartment and lingers.

She pauses for a second and begins again but her voice has cracked and the tears fall.

_If you forget the way to go_

_And lose where you came from_

_If no one is standing beside you_

_Be still and know I am_

_Be still and know that I'm with you_

_Be still and know I am_

_Be Still – The Fray._

I look down and she kisses my forehead and I feel a sob escape me as I cry into her neck and she rocks me. She pulls my face up and kisses my tear stained eyes and smiles.

"How do you always know what to do?" I ask my voice broken and heavy.

"When I woke up after the accident and had finally realized Ray was never coming back; I had this dream where he came and sang these words to me. I held on to that dream for dear life. I think back on it whenever I feel I need to find strength." She tells as tears fall from eyes. "But a couples of months or so later when I had regained some movement in my arms and hands, I was going through my computer archives for music, I found the track and it was by this band called the fray. I must've listened to it randomly before the accident and forgotten about it but it lodged into my sub conscious and manifested at the right time for me to find some strength in that difficult time of being trapped... and seeing you like this, I want to be able to give you some strength if you need it."

I give her a crushing hug. "Don't ever leave me Ana."

She pulls my face up and kisses me sweetly "I have a feeling we'll be stuck with each other for life Mr. Grey."

...

I feel a little chill and open my eyes immediately. It's morning. I turn to look and see that Ana isn't in bed. Did she leave? Fuck.

I smell breakfast and realize she's still here, thank god. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. There's an uneasiness. I get up and go to wash my face and brush my teeth. When I walk out I see Ana in my shirt with her back me, her hair in a messy bun. Music is playing on her phone as she dances swaying her hips too the beat, making pancakes, tea and coffee. She looks so young and beautiful. I make my way quietly and sit on the barstool at the island and watch her. I recognize the song:

_December for message on the lips  
Some love is, no, it ain't gonna wear out  
To which is all the same  
One of us is wasted_

_When the lights are coming out  
And I come down in your room  
Our daily compromise, it is  
Written in your signed armistice  
And when the lights are coming out  
And I come down in your room  
Well well the sign is always  
Here is your signed armistice_

She turns around to put plates on the counter and immediately jumps "CHRISTIAN. Why must you always creep on me like that?" she's half annoyed and half giggling with the rosiest cheeks. I laugh, "Well well, aren't we energetic this morning, Miss Steele?" she blushes "I hope you're hungry Mr. Grey." She asks shyly.

"Oh Miss Steele, I'm very hungry." I give her a wicked smile. She giggles "Good, pancakes are coming right up... unless you'd like something else?" she asks. "No baby, pancakes are amazing. Can't wait." I say.

"Why didn't you connect the music to the sound system?"

"Oh, I didn't want to wake you." She says distracted, pouring pancake batter on the griddle. I go to pick up her phone and connect it to the Bluetooth for the sound system. It feels like the space comes alive and Ana exclaims "YAAAY!" I have to laugh; she's all about the little joys in life.

"Christian, this kitchen is so amazing. The pantry is what my dreams are made of. Mrs. Jones must love working here." She says in wonder as we eat our breakfast, sitting close to each other, with our legs tangled. She's made pancakes with roasted pecans, cooked in maple syrup and bananas. It's decadent and every bit delicious like herself.

"She's worked for me for the past 6 years, she really takes care of me and this place." I say, remembering that she also puts up with a lot of my other fucked up dom-submissive lifestyle shit sometimes. I'd been in such a foul mood streak for the past 6 months and the woman has the patience of a saint. Maybe being with Ana will make up for all that and she won't think I'm such a shit.

A song comes on and it's a huge sonic overload with and Ana looks to me and sings along with the following lyrics;

_I wanna do what lovers do with you.  
I wanna walk the edge of the Earth with you.  
I wanna say to you the minute we feel the heat,  
Would you be, my lover?_

All this time reading and hearing about love and thinking it complete and utter bullshit and here I am in the thick of it and so deliriously intoxicated by this woman. I lean in to her smiling face and whisper "forever" as I give her kiss. She moans and giggles. I pick up her hands and kiss each fingertip, tracing my finger on the henna design that's now fading from her hands, thanking her for such a wonderful breakfast.

Ana gets up to clear the tableware and I stop her. "You cooked, I'll clean baby." She smiles back at me and continues to drink and sing along with the music. "Christian, I don't know what it is but the music here sounds so good. It's probably the acoustics right? It just feels... full of life and all consuming." She says in wonder looking around.

I walk to her and kiss her forehead as I envelope her in a hug, "It's all you to be honest. This place has never felt more warmer and more like home than before you." I look into her eyes and tears start to form. "You sure know how to make a girl feel special Mr. Grey." She says. "Only one girl, Miss Steele, only you." I kiss her.

We're sitting on the couch being lazy, checking our messages and get back in touch with the world when Ana suddenly turns to me

"Christian, I have a question."

Oh fuck, my mind goes into a million different directions. "Shoot babe, what's up?"

"Is anyone in your family allergic to walnuts and milk?"

Thank fuck. I have to laugh out loud. She smacks my arm "well stop laughing and tell me."

"I don't think so, let me ask Grace." I text mom and she responds almost immediately saying no allergies of the sort and I relay that information to Ana.

"Okay awesome. I'm excited. I was going to make Walnut Halva to take with us for dessert tonight to your parents place."

"Ana, you don't have to make anything, just show up and eat whatever mom makes."

"Yeah but I'm going to her house of the first time, I can't go empty handed."

"Why not? I don't get it."

"Nani says that whenever you go to someone's house you must take something that adds to their 'barkat', which is Arabic for blessings, and usually it's a living thing, like food or flowers etc. As if to add more life to life."

"That's such a sweet concept."

"Christian, do you believe in God?" She asks. "Not really, I mean, I've never had a reason to." I say truthfully, "Do you, Ana?"

"Not before the accident, not entirely. I mean, I had no formal religious education, Carla wasn't always exactly available to give me any lessons on life and Ray never showed any inclination to religion. When he met Nita, she came from a Muslim family. I mean Nani and Nana are devout Muslims, but Nita and Alia Khala even though are Muslim, still married outside of the faith and religion was a very private matter for them. Nita never imposed Islamic traditions on me but allowed me to participate in Ramadan if I wanted to and even taught me some Arabic prayers, which I recited a lot during recovery and still recite at night or whenever I feel uneasy. Nani taught me everything else and more, if Ray made one half of me, then Nani and Nita made the other half." She takes a deep breath before continuing again.

"I'd like to think I'm Muslim because it feels like the most natural thing to me, I find a lot of the Islamic traditions and concepts beautiful, and the cultural aspects of south Asian social graces to be something that's helped me find all the wonderful people in my life. If I give out good energy, I'll receive it back. So yeah, I guess I do believe in God. All the poetry and music I love in south Asian culture is about God and love and Christian, I wish you knew the language, all of it is so breath-taking and so incredibly rich. My translations could never do it justice; English is just a failure of a language that way. Even though I studied English lit in college, it was more because I loved reading in general and analyzing stuff but the subject matter never made me 'feel' something on a deep level."

I am at a loss for words. There are so many layers to her and what makes her the most unique human being I've ever met in my life. I don't think I'll ever meet anyone as complete and enigmatic as her.

"All of that is so beautiful Ana, I mean I do think, I had some sort of a revelatory experience when I saw you walk in on Friday for the introduction lunch... I think that's the closest I've ever gotten to believing in a higher power." She smiles at me and traces her fingers on my lips.

...

After a while, Ana and I get up and I head in to the office to do some work and see if any of the Asian offices need anything from me. The sweet smell of Ana cooking walnut halwa envelopes the entire apartment and I can't wait to try it when she's done. I can hear her sing in her sweet voice along with the music.

I decide to take a break and walk out to see Ana putting finishing touches on the bowl of halwa no doubt to take over tonight. She's singing along to a cover of Crazy in Love, it's a girl singing with a guitar and Ana matches her word for word and it floors me as Ana sings her own harmonies against the music.

_Got me looking  
So crazy, my baby  
I'm not myself  
Lately I'm foolish  
I don't do this  
I've been playing myself  
But baby I don't care  
'Cause baby your love's got the best of me  
Baby you're making a fool of me  
You got me sprung and I don't care who sees  
Baby you got me  
You got me going crazy  
Ohh ohh_

_Got me looking so crazy right now  
Your love got me looking so crazy right now  
Ohh, ohh  
Got me looking so crazy right now your love  
Got me looking so crazy right now_

_Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh no no  
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh no no  
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh no no  
Oh oh oh oh._

_Crazy in Love – Daniela Andrade_

I'm so mesmerized by her and I can't move. The song ends and she looks up and smiles. "Hey you, how's work coming along?" She doesn't even realize what she's done to me, she goes about singing and humming the next song that comes on, I walk over and grab her, and kiss her, with all the passion, crushing her to me and picking her up and spinning around. It takes her a few seconds for her to recover and open her eyes once I break from the kiss and she giggles. "What did I do to deserve that Mr. Grey?" She asks out of breath.

"I just love you so much Ana."

"I love you just as much if not more Christian." She tiptoes and gives me a small kiss. She breaks away from the embrace and I see she has three bowls of halwa, one decorative one that we'll no doubt take to Grace's and two small ramekins. She takes out a pen and a post-it pad from one of the drawers and writes messages. One for Gail and the other for Taylor.

_Mrs. Jones, thank you so much for the lovely dinner. I loved meeting you. I made some walnut halwa and wanted you to have some. I hope you like it. Love, Ana._

_Taylor, thank you for bringing me safely back to Christian. I made some walnut halwa and wanted to share some with you. I hope you like it. I can't wait to meet Sophie when she visits next month. Love, Ana._

She puts plastic wrap on the smaller ramekins and sticks the post-its on them and puts them in the fridge.

Yet once again in a span of 10 minutes she has absolutely, and completely floored me. How can one person have so much love and goodness to give? She treats everyone like family. I know how much Gail and Taylor will appreciate the gesture.

She turns to me and beams, "I'm gonna go and get ready. See you in a bit."

...

I go back to the office. Still reeling. Every day with her is so emotionally intense for me. It's all consuming and makes me feel alive. From the saddest moments to those full of life and happiness, it means so much more. It means more than all the 'wins' I've had in the past years, all the money I've made pales in comparison. I've fallen so hard. I need to talk to Flynn again.

I walk towards the bedroom and I hear light music and Ana singing, I watch from a far. I love watching her in her element, she knows how to get lost in a moment and enjoy herself and doesn't take herself too seriously. She's in a silk skirt and a cream turtleneck, looking incredibly sophisticated. I watch her as she lightly curls her hair, lightly spraying product while running her fingers through it. She's so gentle and slow with herself. She's singing a familiar song, I can't place it but it sounds like sex and Ana oozes sex appeal with every word she sings and every hip sway. Christ, I want her now.

_Why you bother me when you know you don't want me?  
Why you bother me when you know you got a woman?  
Why you hit me when you know you know better?  
Know you know better  
Know your crew better than you do  
Call me looking for ya (yeah)  
I be looking for ya (yeah)  
Got me looking forward to weekends  
With you baby  
With you baby  
With you baby  
With you_

_We do whatever we want  
Go wherever we want  
Love however we want  
It don't matter  
You'll do whatever I want  
Get whatever I want  
Get whatever I need  
It's about_

_Love, love, love, love  
'Long as we got  
Love, love, love  
'Long as we got_

I get up to go to her. I want her so bad. Her phone rings, and I stop in my tracks.

"Kavanagh!" She laughs

"Steele! I need your help." Kate whines. "What's up babies?" Ana replies. She's so affectionate with everyone.

"What do I wear to the dinner at the Grey's tonight?" Kate asks in a panic. "You're asking me? Dude you're the fashionista in this relationship, if it weren't for your closest, RTR and Kiran's hand me downs I'd never have a chance in hell." Ana exclaims. I wish she wasn't so hard on herself. I want to shower her in all the latest fashions because honestly she'd make a potato sack look like couture.

"I'm just nervous. I really like him Steele and even though we've met the Grey's at the wedding, we're actually meeting them now, as you know... like his girlfriend. I want to make a good impression." Kate says. I'd never take her for the insecure type. I guess everyone deals with something like this on some level.

"I know babe, I hear you. I'm in the same boat. It was so different at the wedding and now...it's like more is at stake" Ana says with a sad voice.

"You're good at this stuff anyway, with all that indian good girl bullshit." Kate whines and Ana laughs out loud.

"Okay listen, go into my closet. There's a dress Kiran sent me last month. It's an emerald green chiffon dress, it'll look amazing on you. Do a low messy bun, and do everything else as you would normally do. You got this Kavanagh." Ana cheers.

"I hope we can make a good impression, we were such hoes at the wedding." Kate sneers.

Ana laughs out loud and sasses "both on and off the dance floor." They both giggle. I love this exchange.

"Ana are you taking anything like flowers?" Kate asks unsure about herself.

"I made some walnut halwa, so why don't you get the flowers." Ana offers.

"You made the halwa, I love you, I was going to ask you to make it when came back from the wedding. See, this is why I love you. You just get me and my cravings without me having to say anything." Kate says lovingly and continues "So what kinda flowers do I get that say, 'hey I think you're a bawse babe and I'm obsessed with your son." Kate laughs

Ana giggles. "As long as you don't get her carnations you should be fine. Get a bouquet of ranunculus in light pink. I think she likes that color, her nails and make up were always in nude pink tones. Or get a bouquet of Anemone Bulbs in a similar color, they'll look really pretty. You can make that decision when you get to the flower shop." Ana instructs.

She knows everything. She made the right observations about Grace and she barely spent time with her and now she's helping Kate pick out thoughtful flowers. I have really hit the jackpot with this woman.

"You're a godsend Steele. What are you wearing?" Kate asks.

"Oh, I'm wearing the silk skirt I borrowed from you for the wedding. I never got to wear it so I thought it'd be perfect for tonight plus my oversized cream turtleneck. Or do you think it's too overboard?" Ana seems unsure of herself. God, if she could only see how I see her right now, I wish she didn't have to borrow anything from anyone. I want to give her the world.

"Are you insane, you are a goddess. Just make sure I get the skirt back in one piece, I don't want Christian ripping it to shreds cause he couldn't keep his hands off of you." Kate cackles.

"Shut up Kavanagh! Listen, quick favor can you bring some work clothes for me plus my black coat. I won't have time to come by tonight to pick something up. All the clothes I have right now are either too casual or wedding attire and nothing GEH drone appropriate." Ana erupts into a fit of laugher and they can't stop.

"Okay babe, I got you. ima go get ready now. See you on the other side. Steele & Kavanagh forevaaa!" Kate yells.

"Forever, bye babies see you soon!" Ana giggles and she ends the call. She picks up her mascara and then suddenly feels my eyes on her. She immediately turns and looks in my direction and gets turns beet red, looking up and covering her face.

"How much of that conversation did you hear?" her voice is muffled as it comes from behind her hands.

I chuckle. "All of it." I walk to her and move her hands away from her face, she's red as crimson. She looks down and I tip her head to me and look into her eyes.

"So this is what girl talk is?" I ask teasingly. She's mortified. "It's about 5% of it actually. The other 95% might give you a coronary." She giggles.

I give her a quick kiss. "So I really can't rip this skirt off of you?"

Ana giggles, "Not if you want to spend all your money buying Kate a new wardrobe."

"Yeah she'd probably kill me first and then steal all my credit cards." I laugh.

We head down the elevators, Ana's carrying a tote bag with the halwa in it and humming a tune and swaying lightly. I lean in and whisper "one day I'm going to fuck you in this elevator Miss Steele." She takes a sharp intake of breath and bites her lip giggling. I could honestly take her right now but Grace runs a tight ship when it comes to Sunday dinners.

Walking into the garage, towards the R8, Ana stops dead in her tracks and hands me the tote bag. Her jaw is open and whips her face to me

"Is this the 2020 R8 spyder?" She asks in awe. "Yes" I reply not sure where 's going with this.

She walks to the car and looks over it and inspects it then looks up at me with the biggest smile "regular convertible or performance?"

"Performance." I reply smugly.

"Oh God Christian she's beautiful. Have you named her?" She's like a kid in a candy store.

"Miss Steele, I didn't know you were into cars. No I have not named her yet, would you like to do the honors?" I am so in awe right now. She is a constant surprise.

"Oh Mr. Grey you have NO idea. I love fast cars and I've heard wonderful things about this beauty. I'm getting a Lola vibe from her. Can't imagine what it feels like flooring it with 611 horsepower. You have to let me drive it one day when it's warmer. PLEASE" she whines like a child.

I have to laugh. "Sure baby, when it gets warmer. Shall we head out?" We sit and I start the car. "Lola is going to need a playlist Mr. Grey." A couple of minutes later she speaks. "Okay, done."

"Already? You just started." I ask surprised. "You're talking to a professional playlist maker Mr. Grey. I have a playlist for everything, baking, working out, walking, getting ready, driving and sleeping etc." She giggles and connects her phone to the Bluetooth. "And sex, Miss Steele, you have a playlist for sex. That's the most important one." I smirk and she laughs out loud.

The first song starts with a dark and sensual beat and captivating.

_I knew it was love the first time I saw you  
You knew there was love the first time we met  
I'm losing myself, I'm losing myself, I'm losing myself  
I feel lost in your love and my heart's in a place  
I can't really tell, it's been so long, so long, so long, so long_

_We can only learn from each other  
And we can only grow here together  
I only know how to be myself when I'm with you  
Yeah, we can only learn from each other  
We can only learn from each other  
And we can only grow here together  
I only know how to be myself when I'm with you  
Yeah, we can only learn from each other_

Ana tells me how she got into cars, thanks to Ray, she's not into specs of car unless she intuitively likes a car. She grew up watching Top Gear and F1 but hasn't done so since Ray died. We talk about all the cars we've lusted after and it's so refreshing to see this side of her. She's constantly surprising me. She's such a wonder.

"So what's your favorite car these days?" I ask trying to keep the conversation going. "Oh that's easy, the Alfa Romeo Disco Volante. It's hand assembled, approximately 10 months and almost 5000 man hours to create the final product. Can you imagine? It's the same company that builds some of the maserati's and like the first ever Lamborghini. Seriously Christian the car is absolute sex, like... "She fans herself and giggles. I can't help but laugh at her enthusiasm. "and it sounds like... ooof,"

I can't help but laugh. "Miss Steele, I have to say, I quite like this side of you."

"Ray and I were going to spend the summer after my high school graduation restoring a 1967 mustang he acquired, it would've been my present for college but fate had other plans." She becomes quiet and looks out the window. "You would've been the most popular girl in the quad." I tease, trying to pull her out of her sadness. "I highly doubt that, you have no idea what I looked like back then. I was miss always invisible. You have no idea how cruel people can be." She muses.

"I wish we knew each other back then."

"That's sweet of you to say but that would technically make you a pedophile then." She giggles and I laugh out loud. "Why thank you for that cold hard fact Miss Steele and here I thought I was trying to be a little romantic." I quip. "I love you for it." she says to me smiling. She giggles and then starts to sing along with the song.

_Say you needed this heart and you got it (got it)  
Turns out that it wasn't what you wanted (wanted)  
And we wouldn't let go and we lost it (lost it)  
Now I'm a goner_

_I want you out of my head (head)  
I want you out of my bedroom tonight (bedroom)  
There's no way I can save you (save you)  
'Cause I need to be saved, too (saved, too)  
I'm no good at goodbyes_

She throws her hands and arms up with the beat. It takes me back to thanksgiving night when I so desperately wanted her next to me. I look at her and she looks back with that smile and sparkling blue eyes, singing and her sweet voice filling the car. _She's here with me._

The song ends and I lower the volume as the next one starts.

"After thanksgiving dinner when I was heading home, this post Malone song came on the radio and I thought of you. I wished that you were in the car with me and singing with that sweet voice and beautiful blue eyes... all while trying to convince myself that I didn't deserve you."

She looks to me and I can't quite read her expression.

"You thought about me?" she asks surprised. "Of course, I did. I told you, you consumed my mind."

"Kabooliyat ki ghari." _The hour of acceptance._ She muses.

"What's that?"

"Oh sorry, it's a concept that refers to the fact that universe is always listening to our thoughts and words. And when you thought that about me... I guess the universe really listened and made it happen." She smiles at me.

I hold out my hand and she takes it as I pull it to my lips. "I'm so happy you're here, Ana."

We arrive at the front gate and I punch the code in for Mom and Dad's house and head up the driveway.

"You know Mr. Grey, I've never had car sex." She says playfully. Hmm, we could have it in the Disco Volante I think to myself but I'm not sure I can wait 10 months.

"Hmm, neither have I Miss Steele, we should take care of that someday."

"We totally need to create a bucket list of everywhere we want to do it and that way when can look back on it every now and then and pat ourselves on the back for a job well done." She giggles. I pull her out of the car and kiss the life out of her. She smiles and moans into my mouth while I grind my erection into her against the car. "Miss Steele, you're playing with fire."

"I always did like playing with matches." She winks and bites my lower lip. Holy hell... I am in so much trouble.

Sitting in the family room, conversation flows with such ease. I'm still quiet as usual but Ana, Kate and Mia hold the room. Mom heads into the kitchen to quickly check on something and Dad goes to make another drink.

"Elliot, guess what!" Ana looks to him.

"Yeah, Steele?"

"So I was talking to Christian about his hobbies and he told me about the helicopter and I bust out laughing because my automatic thought was GET TO..."

"TO THE CHOPPA." Elliot yells and they both burst out laughing, Ana falls sideways in the sofa, she's completely lost it, her face red and she can't breathe, her laughter fills up the entire house as Grace and Carrick walk back in with the biggest smiles and love in their eyes. Elliot is thoroughly enjoying this while Mia and Kate laugh and clap in appreciation. At one point Ana snorts and we all fall into another fit of laughter till there are tears streaming from Ana's eyes. She's the most beautiful thing I've seen and she brings to much light into my life.

"Steele, I knew I liked you for a reason, now I have someone to help me bust Christian's chops." Elliot teases.

"Fuck off Lelliot." I laugh. Ana leans in to kiss my cheek still laughing.

Dinner is amazing as usual; Grace is completely taken with Ana and Kate and has gone to town with this dinner. The best thing about these girls is that they love to eat. Ana's walnut halwa is a real hit and she blushes under the praise. Kate's flowers are hit. Grace is a goner, just like Elliot and I. Mia, Kate and Ana discuss what new shows to watch and they are always at the same level of excitement about everything, I love hearing her being so young and happy, I pull her hand to my lips and kiss it. Grace looks to me with such adoration and a smile. I get a little shy and nod back. This feels like a whole new world.

"So Steele, tell us how Dorothy really is at work" Elliot teases.

"Fuck you, Lelliot."

"CHRISTIAN! Language." Grace tries to scold me but she knows it's futile.

"Um... he's okay." Ana squirms under the attention.

"No, you have to tell us the truth." Carrick eggs on. "Yeah banana, you have to tell us." Mia claps.

She giggles and looks up at me. "I'm trying to figure out a delicate way to put it without getting fired." I smirk back at her. "It's okay, Miss Steele, you have permission to talk about just how amazing of a boss I am."

She rolls her eyes and everyone laughs. "Okay, so let's just say, when Mr. Grey here is displeased or disappointed with a situation, which is often, he becomes quite communicative to the point where it is so loud and unpleasant that you'd wish he had a mute button."

"Oh, so Dorothy is a screamer." Elliot laughs and I flip him the bird and Ana loses it to the point she can't breathe and gives Elliot a high five. They're both juveniles and I have to say I love it.

"You both never ran into each other at work?" Grace asks, smiling after giving Elliot and I her death stare.

"Nope. I mean there were a few close calls but I of avoided him like the plague. I was so scared of him." She giggles "Which is why I almost died when I saw him at the wedding. I was like, please don't fire me!" Grace laughs and assures Ana. "I would've had a few choice words with him if he had"

"How is it working for Travis?" Carrick asks.

"I love it. He's such a great mentor and I really enjoy the work. I recently got promoted to be his first assistant so I'll have more responsibilities, which means I will eventually run into Mr. Grey here. I'll be happy to provide you all with a progress report on his 'amazingness' at work." She sasses and we all chuckle.

As we all stand to say our goodbyes, Mia, Ana and Kate are still fully engrossed in their plan making for the week and when to hang out. It takes forever to pull them away from each other. Grace hugs me "Christian, I'm so happy for you, son. I have been waiting to see you fully live your life for what feels like forever. I will always be in Ana's debt, she is such a wonderful girl." She whispers as she pulls away with tears in her eyes. I kiss her forehead and give her another hug.

...

Ana is unusually quiet on the drive back. She's curled up in her seat as she hums here and there to the music that plays.

Suddenly a song comes on, it's sensual and sad. I remember Ana playing the artists songs on our drive up the coast to Carmel by the Sea. She's got a beautiful voice. Her name was Lola something?

"There's some french in this song, will you translate it for me after? I always forget to look it up" Ana asks softly.

"Sure thing baby."

The song progresses and Ana hums and softly sings with it. There comes a point at the last chorus where Ana sings the ad-libs with such pain and longing mirroring the singer, it's beautiful and hits me to my core. She's never sounded like that. The song ends. She turns off the music.

"What did she say?" She looks to me.

"Des hauts et des bas translates to high and low." I start.

"Towards the end when she sings J'ai du mal à m'exprimer mais j'essaye

I was alone when I fell

Where did you go? Pas de nouvelle

J'ai beaucoup de mal de coeur, mal de coeur... she's saying I find it difficult to express myself but I try

I was alone when I fell

Where did you go? No news

I have a lot of heartache, ache"

"At the very end when she says

Tu sais, la vie est pleine de hauts et de bas

Mais sans les bas, les hauts ne veulent rien dire

Which essentially means you know, life is full of ups and downs

But without the lows, the highs mean nothing"

Ana sighs and looks back out the window. "I guess she's right... by the way you speak french so beautifully Christian."

"Ana baby, is everything okay?" I ask holding out my hand for her to hold it. She reaches out and holds it.

"Not looking forward to reality tomorrow. I was deliriously high this past week, I don't want to come back down to earth just yet." She says wistfully.

I give her hand a squeeze. I understand her fears. I pull her hand to my lips and shower it kisses.

We get back to Escala and start off with a bath, which is short. Ana doesn't say a word; I can just hear her softly breathing. Once we're all dried and ready for bed, Ana goes through her clothes that Kate brought and sets out what she's going to wear in the walk-in closet and makes sure all her things are packed since she'll be going back to her apartment. I asked her to stay with me for the week but she said she missed her room and time with Kate.

She comes back to bed and lies down facing away from me. I know she's just processing everything but I feel like she's slipping or maybe it's my own guilt that's projecting. I want her to feel better; I want to try to be for her what she is for me though I could never measure up. I have too much darkness in me.

"Ana?"

"Yeah?" She says with the smallest voice and doesn't move to turn toward me.

I scoot in closer and pull her back to me. I kiss her neck. "Talk to me baby."

"I was just saying a small prayer to help bring me some peace and take away these negative feelings." She says with such sadness. I hold her tighter.

"Baby, look at me." I ask her and she turns around. She's not crying but her eyes are sad. She looks to anywhere but my eyes as I caress her cheek. Her breathing changes a little bit; the following words come pouring out me;

_Vous dites mon nom comme vous l'avez toujours connu._

_Ce que je ressens pour toi ne peut pas être mis en mots, il transcende tout le temps l'espace_

_Mon amour pour toi brûle plus fort que le soleil_

_mon âme noire ne mérite pas mais dis-moi comment puis-je vivre dans ce monde sans toi_

_Tu es l'amour de ma vie et de l'au-delà_

Her eyes immediately look into mine, wide open; the deepest and most intense blue as I continue to translate

_You say my name like you've always known it._

_What I feel for you cannot be put into words; it transcends all time and space._

_My love for you burns brighter than the sun._

_I am a dark soul who does not deserve you but tell me how am I supposed to live without you._

_You are the love of my life and hereafter._

"Christian, that was so beautiful" her voice cracks as she tears form in her eyes.

I kiss her softly before they can fall. I want her so badly right now but I don't want to push her either. I just move in to deepen the kiss. She flushes her body against mine and throws her leg around me and grinds against me. I push my hips into her and she mewls. I put my fingers in between her legs and she is drenched. My girl is always ready. I take off my boxers and enter her as we lay face to face on our sides.

I circle my hips as I push into her and she lets out a loud moan, completely lost in the sensation of us. It feels deeper than before. I grab her hips and pull her to straddle me all while I'm still inside of her, it surprises her and she gasps.

"Take your shirt off baby." I pant. She starts to grind on me as she slowly takes it off, her eyes fixed on me, lips parted with the most intense stare and beautiful face. I really don't deserve her. Her hairs falls around her shoulders and breasts as she throws her head back, moaning, it's almost like she's singing. I grab her hips and thrust into her, each feels better the last. She takes one hand from her hip and puts it on her breasts and I knead and pinch her nipples. Her moans louder and she looks back at me.

She bends over and places both hands on either side of my face and reaches down to kiss me, with her hair falling all around me. I hold her face with both of my hands and I bite her lower lip and our tongues dance. I move my hands back to her hips again and thrust harder and faster into her. She increases her speed and sits back up, her head thrown back; she's almost there. I use my thumb to massage her clit, she screams at the feeling. No one will ever be like her; I love how in sync we are together.

Her body arches and she climaxes with her head thrown back as she continues to ride me, clenching her muscles around my dick, going through her orgasm and it's a sight that sends me over edge.

"Ana, Ana..." I let out with strained breath and I empty myself into her.

She lifts herself off of me and drops to the bed, panting trying to catch her breath.

We finally catch our breath and Ana is on her stomach with her face towards me. Her porcelain skin illuminated by the city lights seeping in through the window.

"You look thoroughly fucked Miss Steele" I turn to her and kiss her forehead.

"Mmmm... just how you like me Mr. Grey." She says with a sleepy smile as she turns over. I scoot in closer and spoon her, pulling the duvet over us. I trail kisses from her neck to her earlobe turning her face to me. She's in sleepy daze but still smiles at me. I give her one last goodnight kiss.

"I love you, Ana."

"I love you, Christian." She softly whispers back, smiling.

* * *

**Authors Note:** GEH adventures start in the next chapter and major drama will show itself in chapter 15 I think. I have to read what I have again.

**Pinterest: **www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - I combined the visuals for chapter 12 & 13.

**Music**:

Oboe Concerto in C Major, K. 314/285d: I. Allegro aperto – Mozart in the Jungle

A lenda do cabolco - Heiter Villa-Lobos & Yo Yo Ma – Mozart in the Jungle.

Winter – Mree

Be Still – The Fray

Armistice - Phoenix

M'lover – Kishi Bashi

Crazy in Love – Daniela Andrade

Love Galore – Sza feat. Travis Scott

Learn From Each Other – Majid Jordan.

Goodbyes – Post Malone feat. Young Thug

High Highs to Low Lows – Lolo Zoaui


	15. Chapter 15

**Guest:** Thank you so much for your comment. The south asian culture really has some sweet moments in them and I'm so glad you like the story and that it reminds you of some of the good people you've come across. Your words are so kind and heartfelt. I don't meant to make people cry but Ana and Nita are inspired by a cousin of mine who's suffered a lot of heartache and finally found someone worthy of her. I look forward to hearing from you again, just a quick favor, please do leave initials or a pseudonym, I can identify you with. I don't want all my guest reviewers to be nameless haha.

**Mguerrero:** YAS I AM. Thank you for sticking around and showing this little story of mine the love, I'm so happy I can provide a little happiness from this little corner of the internet.

**TainoDeslani13**: Girl. I hear you. I feel like we could write books on this subject till the end of freaking time.

**SianJohn: **That is super important to me to have them talking. Can it make the chapter long? Yes but my biggest issue with the books and some of the fanfics was that they barely talked or if they did it was just about sex or trauma. Which yes, in my story Ana does but I want these interactons to be as real as they can. Yes the sex is important but communication above all is paramount.

**Sofia: **Where you been girl? Make an account so I can at least PM you. THANK YOU For always posting the sweetest comments. Making me ugly cry here.

Without further ado... let's see what's cooking at GEH.

* * *

Chapter 14 – Fetish for my love.

_Monday, December 9th 2019._

**CPOV**

Monday morning, back to reality but before that, it's another first for us. Getting ready for work in the morning with Ana. It's just as effortless and sweet as when we were at the resort. We're so comfortable with each other. Ana plays her music, her "morning vibes" playlist as she calls it. She says it helps her get in the right mindset to walk into GEH. She's every bit animated and adorable. She tells me it's her morning routine with Kate, they both sing out loud all these power anthems to take on the day.

_For the money, I'm a savage, yeah  
Got me itching like a habit, yeah  
I'm surrounded twenty bad bitch, yeah  
But they didn't know me last year, yeah  
Everyone wanna act like they important  
(Yeah-yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah)  
But all that mean nothing when I saw my dog  
(Yeah-yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah)  
Everyone counting on me drop the ball  
(Yeah-yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah)  
Everything custom like I'm at the border, yeah, yeah  
If you fuck with winning, put your lighters to the sky  
How could I make sense when I got millions on my mind?  
Coming with that bullshit, I just put it to the side  
Balling since a baby, they could see it in my eyes_

_Congratulations – Post Malone._

I walk back into the bathroom all dressed and Ana is done doing her hair, she's recreated her fun high pony look from the wedding and finished applying her makeup which is as always minimal, letting her eyes shine. She's still in my robe that drowns her and it's comical to her tiny frame lost in it. She sees me walking in behind her and her jaw drops.

"Damn Grey, who you all dressed up for and be careful on how you answer that" She whistles appreciatively.

"There's this girl at work, just trying to get her attention." I shrug.

"Well I can assure you that this..." she points at me from head to toe, walking towards me. "...will get her attention FO SHO. And if she doesn't fall for you, she's a fool." I smirk and she sticks her tongue out at me.

She disappears into the walk-in closet to change into her clothes. When she comes back out, she looks to die for. I don't know why she ever thought she didn't fit in at GEH, she's the epitome of it.

She's wearing high-waisted pants with a slight wide leg paired with a loose silk white shirt. It's an effortlessly modern look that she pairs with nude heels she wore at the wedding. She looks like she could be an editor at a high fashion magazine.

"Damn, Miss Steele, who are YOU all dressed up for? I say seductively.

"Moi? Trying to schtup the CEO, I heard he's super handsome and rich. Tryna lock in that 401k life. As my buddy Post says 'For the money, I'm a savage'." She says playfully. That fucking mouth, God I love her.

She walks to me and pulls my face to her. I can't help but hold her tightly, never wanting to let go. We sway as we kiss the life out of each other as she lets out small moans and gasps. I love that I can have this effect on her.

"I'm going to miss you Mr. Grey." She says tracing my lips with her finger.

"Miss Steele, I'm going to miss you more, I might end up coming to the 18th floor to schtup you in front of everyone."

Ana laughs "At this point we have a list of HR violations a mile long, might as well make it an interesting read." She giggles.

"Miss Steele, that smart mouth of yours gives me life." I feel like i'll have a permanent smile plastered on my face for the rest of the day.

We both walk in to the kitchen and Gail is making breakfast and tea for us. "Good morning, Miss Steele, I made you some tea and an omelet, I hope that's okay, and please let me know if you'd like anything else." Gail asks.

"Oh gosh, thank you Mrs. Jones, you didn't have to. This is perfect."

Ana walks over around the island to get something, as I start to dig in to my breakfast.

"Miss Steele, I wanted to say thank you for the halwa it was delicious, you must teach me how to make it! And before I forget, I have a surprise for you. Mr. Grey said you really like this." Gail goes and pulls out a small pitcher of pressed pineapple mint juice and places it on the counter. Ana's face lights up and she gives Gail a big hug. It takes Gail by surprise and she's not entirely sure how to react in front of me.

"Mrs. Jones, you're the absolute best, you've made my day already." Ana says holding her hand. Gail places her hand on Ana's and gives it a squeeze and walks out leaving us to our breakfast. Ana walks over to me and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you for being so thoughtful Mr. Grey." I turn to her and hold her face "Anything for you Miss Steele."

I'm consistently awed by her interactions with people. That moment with Gail was so heart warming.

"Ana, there's a car waiting for you downstairs to take you to GEH, I understand you want to keep this under wraps so we'll go in separate cars and arrive 10 minutes apart and I'll use the executive elevator in the garage while you can use the public ones. You will also have security from now on. Sawyer has been assigned to you. He'll keep a safe distance but will always be around when you're outside of GEH."

"Um, Christian, I can just walk to work or take the bus, you know. I mean I've been doing it for the past few months anyway and please, I don't need security. Chill out. No one even knows about me." She rolls her eyes.

"Ana, this isn't up for discussion. Everyone in my family has security. Even Elliot and Mia do. I had security go with them during the Cabo trip as well, they just keep a very safe distance so you'd never pick up on it. Now that we're together, your safety is my top priority." I say willing her to stand down.

"Okay, okay, relax I hear you. God..." She says with a small voice. I can tell she's uncomfortable with all this but it's in her best interest.

We both take the elevator down the garage at Escala and I introduce Ana to Sawyer. She shakes his hand and thanks him. It's really sweet. She turns to Taylor.

"Good morning Taylor, I hope you had a nice weekend." Ana says with warmth.

"Yes it was good, thank you for asking Miss Steele and thank you for the halwa, it was great!" Taylor gives a smile and nod.

"I'm so glad." Ana beams. Taylor and Sawyer retreat to their positions in the two respective cars and I look at Ana; she brings so much warmth into every moment. Even the simplest ones of saying good morning and asking how someone's weekend is. What is she doing to me? I give her a long and deep kiss that leaves her off balance and she giggles. I love this girl.

Taylor informs me that Ana has reached GEH and is already on the 18th floor, I make a change of plans and tell him to drop me off at the front entrance instead. I walk in and nod to Jim, he gives me his usual smile.

I wait for the elevator and hear two men talk behind me.

"Is she back yet? Did she send the email out yet? I made a vow to not miss out on my chance this week."

"Nah man, it was her cousins wedding in Big Sur last weekend or something, I don't even think she got the chance to breathe. Stop thinking about yourself."

WHAT THE FUCK? Why are they talking about Ana? Who the fuck is this man? The elevator pings and I step in. I turn around and give them the death stare. They look confused and give me a slight nod. We press our respective floors, the elevator makes a stop at the 6th floor and a young blond woman walks on, she acknowledges the two men and asks the same question whispering "Did she send the email? Is she back yet?"

They reply in the negative. Suddenly their phones ping at the same time and the blond one reads the email to them.

"Hi guys, hope you all had an amazing thanksgiving weekend. I'm sorry for the lack of cookies this week. My cousin got married on thanksgiving weekend, then I was on vacation all of last week, and I got back late last night. I promise to make a huge batch for you all next Monday! Till then, meet me for lunch on 5th and tell me exciting things that I missed out on here at GEH and your lives.

Best,

Ana"

Wait, what? She makes cookies for everyone and she knows them. How did I not know this? Who is she? The elevator stops at 11th and another guy steps in expressing his disappointment at the lack of cookies on this Monday.

I finally get to my floor and I am so utterly confused. I approach Andrea and Olivia's desk and hear Olivia whine about the Monday blues and lack of cookies. How does this woman have every human being here under her spell?

Olivia and Andrea stand up and greet me a good morning. I take my messages "Andrea, I'd like a word." I call out as I walk away.

Andrea follows me in and waits till I take my seat. "Yes Mr. Grey?"

"Andrea, why the hell is everyone talking about cookies this morning?" She blinks a couple of times and recovers herself. "Uh, sir, there's a GEH employee who makes these amazing chocolate chip walnut cookies and brings them in every Monday morning. They are first come, first serve. She's not selling them or anything; it's just a nice gesture to create a bit of community here. "

"I see." I honestly want to smile but rein it in. "Who is this employee?" I ask.

"Sir... is she in trouble? I can talk to her, I know her and she's a really sweet girl. Wouldn't want her to be written up."

"No Andrea, I'm not that heartless. I was genuinely intrigued. Have you had said cookies?" I ask softly.

Andrea smiles "Yes sir, I have, she made a special batch for me when my niece and nephew were visiting from New York. They are some of the best I've ever had." God, Ana is such a fucking saint. I am falling even more in love with her.

"Sir?" Andrea pulls me out of my reverie. "Yes Andrea?" I ask. "She really is a nice person, her name is Anastasia and she works in legal, only started a few months ago and has really rallied and created an inter-departmental community of sorts. People actually get along with each other and it's improved working relationships. Who know cookies had the power to bring people together?" She half smiles. I'm so fucking floored right now.

"I appreciate that information Andrea, I guess I'll have to figure out how to get on this cookie email list." I smile back.

"I can add you to the email chain sir if you'd like, the cookies disappear in minutes so all of us have got to be quick. Some will even camp outside of legal sometimes, it's quite funny." Andrea laughs a little. This is the first time Andrea have had a conversation that is remotely amusing and she's worked for 6 years now. Ana isn't even in the room and working her magic.

"I appreciate that Andrea. That will be all."

"Thank you, sir."

Well, well Miss Steele is quite the enigma around here too. I'm going to have fun at lunchtime today.

Lunchtime rolls around and I have a renewed sense of purpose. Time to see the magic Miss Steele is weaving around GEH. I tell Andrea I'll be back in an hour and head down the elevator as I check my phone. A few people step in from 19, I turn sideways, still on my phone replying to messages and checking emails. I have no interest in elevator small talk with people at work, unless it's Ana.

The elevator pings with the doors opening again and I hear a few more people step in and I hear the giggle that lights my life. I look up and Ana has already turned her back to me. I guess she didn't notice me. She's talking animatedly about the wedding and there are two men and another woman with her as they head down to 5th where the lunch hall is. As they exit I follow behind keeping my distance. I see Ana walk away, hips and hair swaying in time with her hands in her pockets. She throws her head back laughing at a joke one of the men makes. It makes me jealous to my core.

As she turns to walk into the atrium, I hear various people yell out "cookies! cookies! cookies!".

"Heathens! The lot of you, does no one care about me?" She asks. They all cheer for cookies again. Ana laughs out loud again and promises a large batch for next week. She heads on over to greet some people and give hugs to some of the female employees who they hover around her to look at her henna tattoos and she shows them pictures on her phone from the wedding. Soon more people join and she animatedly tells them everything. She's the fucking center of attention here. They all just gravitate towards her. Truth is I've never been to the 5th floor atrium all that much. So I'm a little lost. I decide to head back after taking one last look at Ana. She's laughing out loud, her head thrown back, I've got it so bad.

On my way up I stop at HR on 15th. As usual it's a bunch of simpering women melting as I make my way to the head of HR's office. I knock.

"Oh Mr. Grey, please come in. You should've messaged me, I would've come up to your office instead." Catherine offers. She's a woman in her early 50's who runs a tight ship, just the way I like it.

"Thanks Catherine, I was actually on my way up so I'd just thought stop over instead."

"So, how can I help you today Mr. Grey." Catherine asks.

"I wanted to check the temperature of the company morale so to speak. How are employees doing, how are interdepartmental working relationships working out? And if there have been any incidents of fraternizations and if so, how they were handled in terms of our company policies."

"Hmm, well company morale is good, in fact it's improved significantly over the past couple of months. We have had a new employee who innocently started a cookie initiative and it got everyone buzzing and talking to each other to the point where people actually prefer to have lunch in the 5th floor and people from different departments are interacting with each other and we're having less issues with lack of communication. Work productivity has gone up 20% since she came in. In terms of fraternizations, I'm sure there are some that are happening but unless there is a formal admission or complaint, there's not much we can do. Should individuals come forward and disclose their relationship, company policy looks favorably and in light of leniency as opposed to someone getting caught. Again we've had maybe 3 incidents of that happening since the formation of GEH. "

"What about non-romantic fraternizations? Are employees meeting after work for drinks and bowling or a softball team, whatever people do? I say waving my hand dismissively.

Catherine laughs "Well no, we don't have a softball team though it wouldn't be all that a bad idea. I have not formally seen or had any complaints of employees 'hanging out' after work as the kids call it these days. We honestly cannot control or be responsible for what happens outside this building especially if it's not a GEH related event."

"Hmm, understood, and who is this employee who started a cookie initiative, what's that about?"

"Oh, her name is Anastasia Steele, sweet girl and a great fit at legal. Mr. Travis speaks highly of her work, we recently had her 3-month review and she passed with flying colors. Mr. Travis has recommended her for a raise too. She started bringing cookies in just to get to know everyone and pretty soon it became a Monday tradition at GEH, it's kind of sweet. She's become quite popular among all the departments now which has helped legal move through things far more quicker than before" Catherine smiles with maternal affection.

My heart is fucking soaring right now. Anastasia is a miracle worker.

"I'm surprised I've never heard about her before."

"You're a busy man Mr. Grey with your own set of agendas to keep track of, one cannot fault you for not knowing all the daily happenings at GEH on the employee level, it's why you hired us."

"Thank you for running a tight ship Catherine. And please put Mr. Travis's recommendation for Miss Steele's raise into effect immediately. I want employees who bring a positive effect to GEH to be valued for their dedication."

"Consider it done Mr. Grey." Catherine smiles.

I head back up to my office. I'm so fucking proud of Ana. I really have hit the jackpot.

I exit the elevator on my floor replying to an email and hear Ros ask Olivia "Is Ana back yet, were there cookies today?"

"No ma'am, everyone's gutted about it." She laughs.

"Damn it, Gwen is going to kill me, I promised her this week I'd get some again. This demonic pregnancy will be the end of me."

What in God's name? What are these cookies, crack or what?

"Hey Christian, can we talk in your office?" Ros asks turning to me. "Yeah, sure."

We walk into my office and Ros proceeds to sit down on the couch and we discuss some minor outstanding issues with the Gotha deal and the new acquisition we're looking into. She gets up to leave.

"Ros, before you leave, I have to ask, what the fuck is it about these cookies that has everyone moping around the office? I have heard 15 different people bitch and moan about it." I feign annoyance.

"There's a girl in legal, Ana she makes these amazing chocolate chip & walnut cookies, shit's like a drug and this will be the second week we're going without it. Gwen is going to murder me, pregnancy has turned her into this demon and I made the mistake of promising her I'd get cookies for her today."

"Ana?"

"Yeah, Anastasia Steele, she works for Travis. Solid hire, caught a huge mistake with the Gotha contract recently, saved us a good $10 million on it that we would've been giving away for free over the next 5 years. I told Travis to recommend her for a raise. You'll meet her eventually." Ros says and then heads out.

My whole world is turned upside down again. Fucking hell Ana taking over my life in the best way.

It's about 3:30 and I decide to head down to 16th and see what Barney is up to with the new schematics for the tech we're developing for the defense department. Barney is a lucky son of bitch, he has a half a floor as his office, and he's like a mad scientist and is a good kid with a brain that's always going a million miles a minute. He's been with GEH since the beginning and is one of my favorite people to talk to in the company. I step out on 16 and walk towards his lab, the door is open and I hear giggles and laughter. What the hell is Ana doing here?

I wait and listen by the door.

"Okay so now, tell me everything? Did you at least say hi to her?"

"Aww man, Ana I got really shy at the last minute. I gave her this goofy smile she probably thinks I'm a creepy stalker" Barney stammers a bit.

"Well that wouldn't be entirely false now would it? I bet you have her social security number already". Ana laughs. "Listen, if you're really struggling to start a conversation, maybe send her some flowers with a sweet note? I can help you write it. And also, don't just use any random flower service or buy bodega flowers. Really go for it. I'm going to email you the name of this florist based here Seattle who does bomb work, she creates the most beautiful arrangements and trust me when a girl gets a beautiful arrangement like that, it shows her you see her as this wonderfully unique human being. Don't worry too much, you got this dude, and then when you and Emily are married, I'll be giving a speech at your wedding and you'll name your first born after me." Ana laughs out loud.

"Anaaaaa, don't tease!."

"You're so adorable Barney, you got this! Before the year is over we're getting you a date with Emily. And I'm going to take you out shopping; you can't go dressed like this. You work at GEH and I'm sure you get paid the big bucks so lets go spend some of it. None of this hoodie crap anymore, you're a grown ass man."

Barney laughs, "Yes ma'am! Thanks Ana, you're a doll."

"I try, I try," she says playfully. "Okay I'm going to head back up, I'll email you the florist info. Text me if anything!" I hear her head towards the door and quickly rush into the men's room to hide leaving the door slightly ajar, I see her walk by humming a tune and exit to see her walk away.

I am a goner, this woman is taking over my life and making me irrelevant in every way and I'm okay with that.

"Barney!" I say as I enter his lab. "Oh hey Mr. G, I'll get the new schematics up, one sec"

"Barney, who was that woman talking to you about flowers and stuff?" I ask Barney, trying to get some more information.

He gets a little shy and runs his hands across his forehead, the kid is a goner just like me "Mr. G, there's this girl I really like in my apartment building and the woman you heard talking is Ana, she works up in legal. She's been helping me try to get with Emily but I keep messing up. She's the only one who talks to me like I'm a person. Everyone else here kinda ignores me which you know is cool; I'm cool with that I don't need the distraction but Ana is really rad, Mr. G. She's like a big sister even though she's younger than me. Plus she makes these amazing chocolate chip walnut cookies. That's how I met her. She came here and offered me some. Too bad she has the recipe in her head otherwise I would've hacked her computer to get it." He laughs.

"Sounds like a good friend." I smile.

"Oh yeah, the best! She comes by a few times a week and checks up on me. Makes sure I'm not wearing the same hoodie more than 2 days in a row and has lunch with me too sometimes." He chuckles. "Okay, I've got the schematics up here, let's take a look" Barney starts to show me a serious of slides.

My heart fills up with emotion. I really don't deserve her. Fuck, I need to talk to Flynn.

After my meeting with Barney I decide to text Ana.

CG: Miss Steele, how is your day going?

AS: Mr. Grey, it's been quite busy, catching up with everything and everyone. How is your Monday going?

CG: It's been enlightening. I'm starting to see GEH in a different light now.

AS: I hope it's a good light. I would love to hear more about it when we meet next.

CG: Do you have to go back your apartment tonight?

AS: I do, I have a lot stuff to catch up on. Dresses to return, mail to sort through, bills to pay all that exciting stuff. I'll call you tonight, I promise. Now I have to go before my boss's boss reprimands me for texting my boyfriend at work, haha. Xoxo.

CG: Your boss's boss sounds like such a tyrant.

AS: He has an incredibly sweet side too :)

CG: I love you.

AS: I love you.

I get back to my day and go through the scheduled meetings and reviewing of documents to pass the time. I check the time and it's 5:30 and I wonder if I can see Ana for a bit this evening at her apartment.

CG: Kate, I hope all is well. Do you and Ana have any plans for tonight, I wanted to come by and surprise her for a bit.

KK: Hi Christian, that's really sweet. I can go hang with Elliot for a few hours. That'll make Ana's day. I've been waiting for her to experience this side of life. She deserves it! :) I'll probably come back around 9ish. See you then.

CG: thanks Kate, see you then.

KK: Sure thing, also, do you have any free time this week for lunch, say Wednesday afternoon? Need to discuss something re: Ana. She's fine, I promise but I've been meaning to talk to you.

CG: I'm free Wednesday, meet me at the Mile High Club? 12:30pm?

KK: Perfect. Will let you know if anything changes.

She really is a sweet friend but now I'm a little apprehensive about this lunch meeting we're going to have.

I make my way down to the garage and tell Taylor we'll head to Ana's place. Before we head out, I wait in my car by the front entrance to get a glimpse of Ana leaving work. It's dark outside but thankfully our plaza area is well lit. She walks out arm in arm with two female employees and they're laughing. She looks exquisite.

Taylor catches my attention "Sir, Miss Steele requested that Sawyer not open the door for her when she approaches the car as to not raise any suspicions and for it to look like she ordered an uber so we have someone from building security keep watch out when she walks out."

"That's fine Taylor, as long as there is security around her, I understand her concern."

Ana gives the two employees a hug and watches them walk away before she heads into the car.

"Taylor... do you know of a good bakery I can get apple pie from and I have to stop at a grocery store too before we head to Miss Steele's"

Taylor looks to me and gives a small smile "I know just the place, sir."

He takes me to a bakery Gail recommended so I know it will be perfect. When we get to the grocery store I have to ask for Taylor for help because I am so lost. He gives a small smile and walks with me inside and we find the ice-cream aisle so I can get Ana's favorite ice-cream, honey roasted caramel with almonds by haagen dasz. We pay and head back into the car.

"Thanks for your help with Taylor, it's kind of a new world for me."

"Sir if I may?" Taylor asks carefully.

"Sure, Jason."

"Miss Steele is really wonderful. Security and facilities at GEH adores her. She checks on them a few times a week and always makes them their own separate batch of cookies every Monday. I'm really glad you too are able experience that."

His confession stuns me and a lump forms in my throat.

"I was initially concerned when Sawyer and Ryan first mentioned her but then when I got updates about you both throughout the wedding, it made me relieved and honestly happy for you both."

"Thank you, Jason, I really appreciate this and all you've done for me in these past 6 years considering my... life choices. I know I've made some questionable ones I realize that." I offer apologetically.

"Sir, no need to thank me or dwell on the past. You're a good man, just look to your future with the help of Miss Steele." He says with a smile and soon enough I'm at her apartment building.

She lives downtown as well, about 10 minutes from Escala. It's a decent building. Kate's father bought her the apartment as a gift and Ana tells me that she offered to pay for maintenance fees, bills and groceries as her way of rent even though Kate was against it. Ana won in the end. My girl is so headstrong and strong of principle.

I knock on her door and she opens it with bills in her hand. Her answering smile is like seeing the sunrise.

"Mr. Grey! What brings you here?" She giggles, smiling brightly with her head cocked to the side. "Please come in and welcome to our humble abode."

"I missed you Miss Steele and had to see your beautiful face." I lean in and kiss her. "I brought you something."

"What's this?" She asks taking out the contents of the bag. I smile and take a seat at on the barstool by her kitchen counter. "Well, I was coming to your place for the first time, I didn't want to come over empty handed so I brought your favorite." I say.

"Oh god, Christian you really didn't have to. That's so thoughtful." She comes over and kisses me with her arms around my neck. She tastes divine, of oranges and mint. She takes over my mouth and we're tongues, small moans escaping her as I run my hands over body. I try to pull her pants down but she breaks the kiss. Slightly embarrassed. "Um, I can't."

"Why baby?" She scrunches her nose and closes her eyes, this is her alternative embarrassed face I notice and it's adorable. "I'm on my period so I'm out of commission for a few days." I laugh and kiss her neck.

"We can still have sex if you're on your period, I don't care about that shit" I say laughing. "Yeah well I do. I don't feel comfortable." She's trying to keep a straight face.

"Okay baby, whatever you're comfortable with. Do you have cramps?" I ask. "Not yet, they'll come down like a hammer by tomorrow at most inopportune time I can feel it. Thank god for modern medicine." She muses. "Then don't go into work tomorrow baby, relax." I suggest.

"I just came back from vacation Christian, plus I've been dealing with this for forever, I'm a pro at it now." She laughs, she's still in my arms and letting me plant small kisses around her face and neck even though they tickle. She makes to walk out from my embrace and puts the ice-cream in the freezer and opens the box of apple pie and gets so excited telling me she can't wait to try it. _My girl is all about the simple pleasures in life. _I don't know how I could fall even more in love with her after all the revelations I heard at GEH. She has no fucking idea how perfect she is.

"Would you like a beer? We don't have anything else right now, I haven't been grocery shopping and Kate is hopeless with anything remotely domestic. She'd die if I went anywhere for more than a week." She laughs.

I take the beer and see her take one out too. "I thought you didn't drink alcohol?" I ask. "Oh! The one I'm drinking is non-alcoholic ginger beer... here try some" she passes it to me and I take a sip. It tastes good, I nod and hand it back to her.

"So tell me baby, how was it being back at work?" I ask, desperately wanting to know.

"It was good, lots of work to catch up on but it was nice to see everyone again and hear their life updates." She tells me as she sorts her mail. "Oh guess what happened today? I got called into HR, I thought I was going to die of heart attack and that they found out but it turns out Mr. Travis recommended me for a raise. I just had my 3 month evaluation meeting recently and passed it, thank god! Anyway, your girl out here makin' some serious moolah now" she says swaying to the music and laughing. God I fucking love her energy. "It came at a great time. I really needed it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well this wedding tapped me out Christian, I just graduated in May and then got my dream job at SIP, only to be let go when they went bankrupt after a month. Thankfully I got the GEH job within 2 weeks but I had a lot of bills, student loans, prepping for the unlimited wardrobe collection for this wedding, outside of the 3 outfits that Kiran got me for the wedding because she knew I'd never be able to afford them. I mean you only saw three events. I had to fly back and forth for the other 6 and I'm not joking there were 6 additional events, plus going to the resort to make sure everything was going smoothly. GEH has its own dress code so buying clothes for that was a bit torture. Thank God for Kate and Kiran, but still it adds up. Then since I was on my 3 month probation trial, I didn't have insurance so paying for any doctors visits was a lot... heck even therapy started to feel like a luxury item in life." She says a little sad and it breaks my heart, she's also cleaning up the kitchen as she tells me, I can tell Kate is a slob. "By the way I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining or anything, it just became very real last night as I was doing the mental math for my upcoming bills. I'm really grateful that I have a job but I get really tired sometimes. Hopefully I can pay off my loans by end of next year and focus on saving up to buy my own place. That's honestly all I want, my own place where I can decorate it how I want, be a cat lady and entertain my friends all the time."

I'm overcome with so much emotion for her in this moment.

"You really only want the simple things in life don't you?" I ask.

She smiles a sad smile "Yeah, I've always lived a pretty simple life and have grown up money adjacent if that makes sense. Like, Nana was a has a shit ton of money in holdings in the US and Europe with some in Australia too which Nita and Alia Khala are set to inherit, Kiran's dad and his brother are industrialists in India and have holdings in Asia and Middle East only. So I've grown up around it but I'm not enamored by it. I can appreciate it but not long for it. I can carry myself in the south asian elitist crowd and hold my own, Nani taught me the social graces to do so but it's all fleeting. I'll never be a part of that world nor do I have the desire to be. I just want to be able to pay my bills on time and be comfortable enough to not think twice before buying something or going on a trip."

Holy shit, this woman is the realest thing to walk the earth.

"Ana, you do more than hold your own you have every person eating out of your fucking hand. Seeing you at the wedding, people hung on to your every word and I've never seen anything like that. When people listen to me it's because I'm paying them large amounts of money or because they fear me, it's always an ulterior motive. With you, it's all genuine emotion and adoration. They listen to you because they want to not because they have to. You have such a hold over everyone you come into contact with. Women have always thrown themselves at me but you, you were so self contained and genuine in your interactions and I felt no ill will from you, in fact you didn't give a shit about me and that was refreshing. You put me in my place." She looks at me like I have two heads. She doesn't understand. I get up and walk to her and hold her face in my hands, looking into her ocean eyes "you have complete control over me Ana and what's more is that I love it. I crave control in my life, it's either my way or the fucking highway but with you, I'm at your feet happy with whatever you give me." I and kiss her with all the love that I have for her, we both get lost and stand for I don't know how long, mere seconds, minutes or hours but we drink each other in, little moans escaping her. When come up for air, she's looks a little lost and then giggles. I love that fucking sound.

"I love you Anastasia Rose Steele."

"I love you Christian Trevelyan Grey." She smiles back.

After Ana clears up the kitchen and sorts through her mail, I help her carry her luggage to her room. It's light and airy with a mid century modern aesthetic, she's got amazing taste and her room is warm and inviting just like her. Everything is organized to perfection with little accents that showcase her layered and varied interests. She makes way to put away all her clothes and makeup; she's so meticulous with everything she does, a little OCD at times. She separates her rental dresses and repacks them to send back. I need to call Caroline Acton to set Ana up with an appointment so she can shop to her hearts content and not worry about the bill. Ana goes to start a load of laundry and walks into Kate's room to get hers; Kate's room looks like a warzone in comparison.

"Kate's a real slob isn't she?"

"Oh god, let's not talk about it. We once had a huge fight about it in the beginning of our friendship. We almost broke up but I learned to loosen up so here we are." She laughs.

"Yeah, you're OCD in comparison" I tease as she starts a load of laundry.

She laughs and then her face falls a little. "After I was raped, I was off center for a long time, paranoia set in and manifested into extreme OCD and it became hard me to leave the house sometimes." She then begins to smile "my fight with Kate was a turning point, she's tenacious that way I guess, broke me down a little and now my OCD isn't that bad at all."

I move into hug her and kiss her. She looks up, "I promise, I'm fine Christian." I kiss her again.

We go back into her room and she puts on some music as she puts away the last of her things, I look at photos of Ray and her, family photos with Nita and Nani and her other cousins and some with Kate from college. There's one beautiful one of her with Ray, she's sitting on his shoulders, she's about 4-5 years old and they're standing next to a green mustang and Ana is laughing with her head thrown back. She's beautiful.

"Ray was a handsome man." I muse.

"Yep, my man of Steele! I wish you both could've met." She says wistfully. "Me too, Ana." I smile back.

I turn towards her world map. She's got red pins all over with only one green pin at Cabo and I realize she's never left mainland USA. I see the places she wants to visit and they're small towns away from all the usual tourist traps, unique selections just like herself.

"Ana, you've never been outside of the US?"

"Nope. I mean I went to Cabo a couple of weeks ago and that was I guess my first "international trip" so to speak. It was such a thrill to finally get a passport" she giggles "Growing up Ray and I would spend summers hiking and fly fishing or at the shooting range. And even though Nita's family did these extravagant holidays, we were always invited but Ray didn't want me exposed to that luxury before I grew up a little. I was only allowed to go to SF and then sometimes to the east coast but that was rare. By the time I did grow up, I had been in recovery from the accident, Then traveling outside of the US wasn't an option with all my physical therapy and doctors visits.

After that college started and that was hard on it's own because I had to work lots of jobs and then all summers to support myself. Nita helped a bit but I felt weird allowing her to pitch in after a certain amount. Kiran kept trying to drag me on family vacations in the summer and the annual winter trips to India but Vishaal was always part of those trips and there was no one way I was going to be in a foreign country and at his mercy.

Cabo was different because Kate was with me and there were so many other people with us, that I felt relatively safe. I've been dying to go to India but it's dangerous for me without proper protection, maybe someday in the future." Her smile is small as she continues "Ray and I were supposed to go to Italy the summer I graduated high school, for a few weeks, to trace his Italian heritage in Palermo. It was going to be our first international family trip with Nita and in doing so hopefully I'd learn Italian because I love the sound of it but my brain is tapped out with all the hindi and urdu." She giggles.

I smile back and my heart aches at all the struggle she's been through and all she was denied. I want to give her the world and more.

"I've always wanted to learn Italian too, we could both take lessons and go next summer? Would you be into that?" I ask, wanting her so desperately to say yes. Even though I know enough conversational Italian, I want the experience of discovery with her.

She looks up and beams "Really? Yes of course I'd love that, oh god that'd be so fun." She walks to me and runs her finger along all the places she wants to visit in Italy, they are small towns. "We can take a road trip and just go at our own pace and soak it all in." She says throwing her arms around me and kisses me. "Thank you Christian Grey. I can't wait for next summer now!"

"Anything for you baby, I'll look up Italian tutors and we'll work out a schedule." I kiss her again and smiles back at me.

"Oh by the way, can you log into my computer and order some Chinese food on postmates. When you visit the website my account is already logged and you can check the Chinese restaurant in my faves and order whatever you'd like!"

I struggle a bit and she looks at me. "Oh god I'm dating an old fart! You don't ever postmates? Oh wait of course you don't, Mr. Billionaire!" She throws her head back and laughs and kisses my cheek. She orders a bunch of food in anticipation of Kate's possible late night craving as well. She really does think of everything.

**APOV**

The food is finally here and I set it up on the coffee table in front of the couch. Christian and I sink into the couch, legs tangled in each other as we eat and laugh our hearts out. He's so funny and sweet and so gorgeous that it hurts. I never would've guessed that he was funny, he's by no means a comedian but his one liners are always on point. I always wanted to be with a guy who could make me laugh. I remember once walking by the conference room on our floor a few weeks ago, they were having a meeting and Christian was just looking out the window. He looked incredibly sad and lost or maybe I was just projecting. I quickly dismissed the thought and him. Rich people problems I mused. I can't believe I was so wrong. As good looking as he is, it was never something that appealed to me. All my male cousins are good looking, I grew up with self-aware men who knew they looked good, except for Ray and Nana of course, as good looking as they were, they remained humble. The others took advantage of it for sure, so you could say for me, it mattered more about how good of a person the man was. Was he kind, was he respectful, did he see women as his equal? That has always been the my focus.

He went into work wearing this beautifully tailored black suit with a black skinny tie and that unruly copper hair. I wanted to jump him when he showed up at my door but I have to wait and what an excruciating wait this will be. I drink in the sight of him in front of me, sans tie and jacket. His crisp white shirt with the sleeves rolled up now and the top two buttons open. I know it's the hormones too but I really want him to fuck me. He brings me back to earth immediately.

"So wait, you can shoot a gun?" He asks a little surprised.

"Shoot a gun Mr. Grey? I never miss a shot." I say back smugly. His jaw drops open. I laugh "I used to be very good but then after the accident and with recovery and college, I never went back, so I'm probably really bad now. I'm not pro gun by the way but Ray wanted me to have that life skill just in case I had to disarm someone, he also taught me self defense but I haven't been to recover my mental equilibrium properly since the accident. I can feel my instincts are off sometimes. Plus I can't imagine myself doing all that stuff for fun without Ray, he was my best friend you know? I was his girl of Steele." I muse and suddenly realize I'm spiraling and will worry Christian so I quickly change track.

"What about you, did you always want to learn French?" I look at him and his eyes are intense. He gives me a small kiss on my lips. "I kind of had no choice, Grace wanted her children to have a minimum of 3 skills, language, instrument and a sport. For Elliot it was Spanish, the guitar and baseball. For me it was French, the piano and tennis and for Mia well, Mia wasn't having any of Grace's shit and she's the only one who got away with saying no to her. She was slated to learn Italian, the cello and Karate but she put her foot down on all three and only agreed to French and tennis because she was closest to me. And she took voice lessons because she loved singing."

My heart warms at the story. "I love the bond you have with her, Christian. The way she looks at you is so heartwarming and beautiful." He smiles shyly. "I see a lot of our relationship with you and Elliot. He's obsessed with you and you guys are on the same wavelength it's fucking hilarious to watch sometimes"

Christian laughs and I have to laugh as well. "He was the best in Cabo, the life of the party and he's such a gentleman, I met my match, I instantly felt safe with him and he's what I've always wanted in an older brother. He reminds me a bit of Ray sometimes especially when Ray tried to be funny and cheer me up and he's not so bad on the eyes either." I can't help but giggle. "A part of me wishes you had come to Cabo but I'm still so happy we met the way we did." I say. Christian leans in to kiss me hard and I almost drop my plate of food. I hear the click of the door and pull away giggling, Christian smiling at me.

I look back and see Elliot walking in covering his eyes

"DON'T WORRY I CAN'T SEE A THING, KEEP DOING EACH OTHER." Elliot bellows.

I have to cackle, Christian laughs too "Fuck off Lelliot!" he says with such adoration. And we all fall into a laughing fit. Elliot and Kate sit on the chairs opposite us and I go to get more plates and beers for them. I'm so happy they're here. My life feels so full of love.

"Where did the name Lelliot come from?" I ask.

"Elliot has a lisp when he was a kid, it was the funniest shit ever!" Christian laughs.

"Hey, don't be mean!" I smack his arm.

"Yeah bro, listen to your lady. You could learn a thing or two." Elliot teases as he winks at me.

"What about Christian, did you guys have a nickname for him?" I ask.

"Yeah, it was asshole. Though I quite like Dorothy now." Elliot laughs and Christian flips a chopstick at him making me and Kate laugh our asses off.

The conversation between us flows so well, we laugh so much and tease each other mercilessly. I preheat the oven and set the apple pie in to warm it and go to take out bowls for everyone. Christian brings over the leftover food and helps me put it away. We work in rhythm and he plants kisses on me every now and then. Kate and Elliot go into her room to change and tell us they'll be back out in a bit.

"Stay the night with me, Mr. Grey." I ask. "I'd love to baby but I don't have any clothes here for sleeping or for tomorrow morning, plus I don't want to bother you, if sleep with you, I'm going to want to do a whole lot more than cuddle." He bites my bottom lip.

I can't help but let out a small moan, I love it when he does that. "Well in regards to the clothes, consider it taken care of. I stole once of your t-shirts when we were at the resort, I wore it to sleep while I was in SF." I give him a wink. "...and I just did a load of laundry so it's clean and I texted Taylor asking him to go home and relax and bring you a set of clean clothes tomorrow morning. You don't take that long to get dressed any way." I smile at him.

He looks at me surprised and then moves to what it seems like, kiss the life out of me. "How are you so fucking amazing?" I giggle. "I just have the gift of foresight Mr. Grey." He looks at with an awed expression. "Wait, you texted Taylor? He works for me you know, at least I thought the bastard worked for me, I see where his allegiances lie now." he says annoyed but chuckles "He works for you and you work for me. So technically I'm his boss's boss." I wink at him. "And in regards to doing more than cuddle, I trust you can work your imagination to find us both a happy medium?"

He smiles "Oh Miss Steele, I'm positive I can come up with something to satisfy us both." He says as he plants a big wet kiss on my lips and tickles me, making me laugh out loud. I hear the oven timer ping.

"Dessert is readyyyyyyy." I yell for Elliot and Kate. They came out in their pajamas and I cut pieces of apple pie into bowls and ask them which ice-cream they'd like, vanilla or honey roasted almond, everyone goes for the honey roasted and we resume the flow of our conversation.

"What are you ladies doing tomorrow night?" Elliot asks. "We having girls night with Mia, we're gonna start a new show and do mani-pedi's and order in pizza. It's been our tradition since Cabo. In other words, No boys allowed." Kate declares. I see Christian smile. "Damn, okay I'll have my people call your people to schedule our next hangout" Elliot laughs.

"By the way guys, a little warning, Ana and I really crank the music up in the morning. So it might get annoying." Kate warns.

"Yeah, it's our anthem workout. We gotta sing at the top of our lungs as we run around getting ready and eating breakfast. And you're more than welcome to leave whenever you want. One of us can leave a key so just lock up after yourselves and Kate and I can co-ordinate accordingly in terms of coming back home for access to the apartment." I explain.

"Bro, you ready to endure this?" Elliot teases. "There's only one way to find out." Christian chuckles.

**CPOV**

I'm going through a Vivian Maier photobook on Ana's bed to pass the time as she takes a quick shower. Wen she's done she comes in and hands me my laundered t-shirt and handkerchief from that night at the resort, both are neatly folded as she gives them to me. She tells me that her bathroom, which also doubles as the guest bathroom, is right outside the door and gives me an extra towel to use if I'd like to shower, and that there are extra toothbrushes in the mirror cabinet if I need one. She's so incredibly thoughtful, I feel so cherished. Her bathroom is an extension of her bedroom in terms of aesthetic, everything neatly placed, her mirror cabinet is mostly empty with only some beauty products, she doesn't own much and keeps it pretty simple. Her perfume collection is simple too; it's between a rose scent and a Chanel scent. She's sophistication personified. I'm done with my shower and head back into Ana's room while she's on the phone laughing, it's 10:30pm who on earth could she be talking to?

"Barns, I'm so proud of you. I knew you could do it." Ana says lovingly. "As long as her dog likes you that's your in. Once you send her that gorgeous floral arrangement and some dog treats with a bomb ass note that yours truly will write, you guys will be on your way down the altar in no time" she giggles. I realize she's talking to Barney and it makes me chuckle, she goes on to continue as she gets her outfit ready for tomorrow morning. I see her holding different dresses to herself, all while holding the phone with her shoulder and testing different accessories. "Yes, I'm totally free Wednesday evening. Meet me at the front say around 6:15pm or so? We'll head to and Club Monaco to start and see how we fare there, I'm not sure where they are so I'll leave you to create a map for that and we'll get dinner!" Ana says excitedly. I want to laugh, kiss and worship the ground she walks on, Barney is a lucky bastard. "Okay sounds like plan, I'm so excited for you Barns. You're gonna sweep Emily and her pup off their feet... okay good night!" She hangs up and goes to look for some shoes.

"So I guess you have a date with another man on Wednesday?" I feign jealousy. She looks back wide eyed "He's my friend at work, a really nice guy, just trying to score a date with this beauty in his apartment building. He's a diamond in the rough, just need a bit of polishing." She smiles and looks to me. "besides Mr. Grey, I only have eyes for you." she sings. I walk up to her and kiss her. "You better only have eyes for me Miss Steele, I don't like sharing." I say playfully and spank her ass making her giggle.

"So tell me, do you have a lot friends at GEH or is it still an adjustment period?" I ask, desperate to know more from her.

"It's definitely getting better, I've made some friends in various departments. PR and marketing still scare me though so I have no contacts there, the women there scare me and they all look like they desperately need to eat a burger." She quips. She's giving nothing away. Two can play at this game Miss. Steele.

"Interesting. By the way, your name came up in conversation today with Ros."

She immediately gets nervous and looks away from me "uh huh, and?" she asks trying to hide her face by putting her laundry away. "Apparently you saved us $10 Million dollars on the Gotha deal. So thank you for that."

She shrugs, "it was a lucky catch, Mr. Travis asked me to read it over and I found some grammatical errors and found a clause that didn't make sense to me, again it was a grammar problem that would've cost you 10 million. And they say English majors are useless." She says with a small nervous smile and continues, "Now Mr. Travis wants me to read through all contracts and ask any questions if there's something I don't understand, the simpler and clearer it can be written out the better we are at avoiding these mistakes. " She shrugs again.

I walk up to her and give her a kiss and go in to deepen it, desperately wanting to thank her with my body but I know she'll be uncomfortable. I break the kiss and look her in the eyes again. "Thank God for you baby, you should be proud of yourself, that's such a huge thing to do for GEH. Enjoy the praise." She gives a small smile. " I was just afraid someone else was going to get into a trouble and I didn't anyone to think I was trying to step on toes and stir shit." She's a little panicky now.

"Anastasia, give yourself some fucking credit. You're a smart woman and you caught a mistake that saved the company millions, that mistake shouldn't have been there to begin with so if someone gets into trouble it's because they actively dropped the ball and I don't pay salaries for people to drop the ball and cost me a shit ton of money." I say with finality, she gives me a smile but still looking down. I lean in to kiss her again. "I'm taking you to bed wench!" I declare and she laughs uncontrollably.

We lay face-to-face in bed talking, she's got one of those color hue lights in her room and it's set to pink and she looks so fucking hot bathed in it. Her bed is much smaller than mine but more than comfortable enough for us both. Her linens smell like jasmine and I run my hands along her on her thighs up to her hips and up her sides.

"Stop trying to distract me from the conversation Mr. Grey." She giggles. "I can't help it Miss Steele, you're a very distracting woman."

"If you keep doing this, I'm going to want more than just you feeling me up." she quips. "That's the idea baby. Trust me?" She looks to me and nods. "Okay baby, you're going to have to be very quiet for this, you cannot make a sound, I don't want our neighbors to know our business." She bites her lip and nods. "Good girl."

I take of her pajamas and see she's wearing pink boyshort panties and she's looks so adorable. I give her a small kiss inside the band on her hip. She giggles and jumps up a bit. Her skin is so sensitive right now, and her temperature is rising by the second. This will be fun. I take her shirt off and she lays naked in front of me, bathed in intense light with twinkling eyes and lips parted, God I am so in love her.

"Raise your hands and hold on to the headboard. Do not let go. Nod if you understand and not a sound out of that delectable mouth of yours." She nods trying desperately not to giggle as she grabs the headboard.

I start off my attacking her mouth as I lightly trace lines inside her thighs. She knows she can't moan so her body arches up for me every time she feels the need to. I trail kisses down her jawline to her ear and bite her earlobe and she turns her body into me to avoid gasping, she's doing so good and pretty soon she'll be where I want to be exactly.

"Baby, there's so much I want to show you and teach you about your body. I can't wait, I'm going to take you to places you never even knew existed." I say as I lick her neck and I see her eyes are tightly shut head it arched back as she moves her knees up to keep her from making a sound. I move down to her breasts and bite down hard and she bucks up violently and I hear a sharp exhale... my poor baby but I love seeing her like this, she's doing so incredibly well so far, I'm proud of her. I take one nipple in my mouth and knead the other breast with my fingertips. Her body is now writhing and begging for some form of release.

I immediately stop and she opens her eyes, biting her lip and her look is so intense. I start to lightly trace my fingertips in circular fashion from her ankles up her legs, to her thighs, lightly brushing over her panties, that sensation gets a reaction out of her again. I move up her sides to her breasts up to her neck as her face is still arched back, gripping the headboard tight, I can see and feel the tension in her arms she is so close. I lick her lips and kiss her, taking everything I want from her, I go back to kneading her breasts and she moves her body, begging me with her movement. I suck on her bottom lip and she arches her head further back, any further and she'd snap her neck. She's so beautifully arched up.

"You can let go baby, scream if you want to." I say and as I twist her nipple and force my tongue in her mouth and she screams but I absorb the sounds as her body shivers violently. She's never come like this. I know it. I keep kissing her, she's still holding the headboard, she's so good at following instruction, I climb between her legs with my own raging hard on through my boxers and nestle it in between her legs over her panties and grind into her and she reacts. I bring her arms down, still kissing her, massaging her biceps to help her relax. I let her gasp for air a bit and she's crying, no doubt from the intensity. Her eyes are still closed as she tries to calm her breathing and I kiss her neck. Small moans escape her, I cup her face and look at her, tear stained and pink, lips parted and breathing.

"Open your eyes baby." I say softly, she slowly opens them, filled with tears and starts to laugh. I wipe her tears and kiss her the corners of her eyes, she's having trouble speaking.

"A little too intense maybe?" I laugh and she giggles. I kiss her warm lips and she raises her hands and grabs my hair. Her skin is still on fire.

"Christian..." she says panting. "Yes baby." I move to kiss her neck "I can't wait to be done so you can fuck the living shit out of me. That was so intense..." I smile.

"Baby, there's so much more from where that came from. I'm going to have so much fun with you this weekend. You better rest up this week." I warn.

She giggles and throws her arms around my neck and I rest to my side and turn her body to flush it against mine as I kiss her again. "Sleep baby, I love you."

"Hmmm I love you more." She whispers as I throw the duvet over us.

* * *

_Tuesday, December 10__th__, 2019._

_Mommy? Where are you?_

_She is dancing around in a white dress, red ribbon in her hair, it's snowing outside. Come dance with us daddy she calls out and spins around with the baby boy. Let's go eat some cake with daddy, baby boy. I kiss her. We love you forever daddy. _

I wake up and see everything in pink. Where the fuck am I? I raise my hand to my head, I'm not sweating, okay good. Not a nightmare. I look down to my chest. Ana's face is on my chest, her hair hiding it partially and she's humming. I can feel the vibrations through my chest.

It's not painful, it's not burning it's just... I don't understand what it is. It just is. I brush some of the hair off of her face and I can see her beautiful face in full view now, faint sounds of humming with each breath, just little melodic moments. I wonder about her dreams. I caress her cheek and she hums a little more. I don't have the heart to move her. I'm going to try and sleep again. I'm feeling so conflicted.

...

I hear humming again and the scent of roses. I open my eyes and it's a little dark but I can see a light coming from the door and I realize Ana is already up and getting ready. I look for my phone and see it's almost 7:30am. I sit up on the bed and go over the dream from last night and the sensation of having Ana's face on my chest, skin to skin. I felt so vulnerable yet calm yet... conflicted, it gives way to a vivid memory of sleeping on the crack whore's chest, as she lay dead.

I feel something on my neck and I whip to catch it and I see I've caught Ana's wrist in a vice like grip and I see the fear in her eyes. I immediately let go. "I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to, I was just in a... I'm sorry... I had a weird dream last night... I just..." I can't complete my sentence because I don't know how to. Ana comes and stands in front me and I raise my head to look at her. She's standing with a towel wrapped around her body and hair in a messy bun, she puts her hand on my cheek and gives me a small smile. I wrap my arms around her waist, trying to soak her in somehow.

She lowers herself on to my lap and straddles me and pulls me in with one arm around my neck as I nestle into the crook of her neck and just inhale her scent. I need this so much. She doesn't say a word, she just let's me take whatever I need as she runs the other free hand through my hair kisses my cheek. "I'm here for you Christian, I'm here." She whispers into my ear and I crush her to me, I feel tears form in my eyes and I try my best to keep them at bay. We stay like this for I don't know how long. She pulls away and looks me in the eyes and before planting a soft kiss. "I love you Christian." She whispers. "I love you, Ana." I whisper back and kiss her again.

Kate and Ana are hilarious in their morning routine. They have their own language, half spoken sentences met with extreme reactions and laughter. The music is just as outrageous but gets them going. Ana makes us all breakfast; eggs, bacon and toast plus cereal for anyone who wants some. She apologizes for the lack of variety given her inability to do grocery shopping after she came back and that next time she'll be better prepared. She's the best host.

Elliot looks at me "Bro, we're the luckiest sons of bitches alive right now." He says laughing. "Can't disagree with that Lelliot." I'll never disagree with that.

Ana and I say our goodbyes to Kate and Elliot and we make our way to the elevator. She's wearing a green dress that's slightly off the shoulder, her hair blow dried to perfection with blush on her cheeks. She's really blind to how fucking perfect she is. She's engrossed in her phone reading the news and I check out our reflection in the mirror and we look perfect. I push her against the elevator wall and kiss the living shit out of her as I grind into her till we get to the 1st floor, she moans my name and it calls out to my dick. Thankfully we were alone. I let go of her in time for the elevator doors to open and drag her out by the hand, she stumbles a bit and then giggles.

"Something amusing you Miss Steele?" I ask, standing in the lobby, holding her before we head into our out and sit in our respective cars.

"Yes, my boyfriend, Mr. Grey, he can't seem to keep his hands off me. The thought does things to me." She giggles. I love her so fucking much. "When will I see you next baby?" I ask and I know I sound like a lovesick puppy.

"Friday, I promise!" she gives me a quick kiss on the lips and heads to her car.

KK: Hey Christian, I've been thinking, lunch in a public place is not a good idea. What I need to talk to you about will need more than a lunch hour, and it's a heavy discussion. I know Ana is helping out a work friend on Wednesday evening, could I come by Escala?

Oh fuck. I'm suddenly a bit nervous at how serious this conversation is going to be.

CG: Kate, Wednesday evening at Escala is good for me. 6:30pm?

KK: Okay perfect, see you then! Thanks Christian.

AS: I'm back home now. With Mia and Kate. I trust you had a good day at work Mr. Grey?

CG: It was honestly dull, the thought my secret girlfriend 2 floors below me was quite distracting.

AS: I felt the same way about my secret boyfriend, I missed him a little too much. My imagination kept running a little wild.

CG: So was mine, I'd love to compare notes next time we meet.

AS: Consider the agenda set for our next meeting, Sir.

CG: Oh Miss Steele, I miss the taste of your smart mouth.

AS: You'll taste it soon enough. I promise. I must leave you now, I have to go do a facemask and take part in some serious girl-talk with Kate and Mia. No boys allowed. Love you, xo.

CG: I love you, Ana.

Wednesday, December 11th, 2019.

I haven't had my fill of Ana in 3 days now, well technically 2.5 days but whatever. Her being back at the apartment and on her period is not something I'm adjusting well to. Is this what modern dating is? Constant rescheduling and penciling in? No, it's okay like this because we're keeping this under wraps. I have half a mind to have the company policy changed just to make life easier.

It also doesn't help that she's actually is 2 floors down. Images of fucking her on my office table, couches, floor and elevator fill my mind. It needs to be Friday already. I also need to meet with Kate tonight and that in it of itself is something I'm apprehensive about. Not sure of what to expect.

My phone beeps and it's a text from Ana.

AS: Mr. Grey?

CG: Miss Steele, how can I be of service?

AS: Need to talk about something personal. It's urgent. Can I see you for 20 minutes?

Fuck, I hope she's okay.

CG: Yes baby come up. Take the executive elevator from the garage though. Code is 0618, I'll meet you at the elevator.

AS: Okay. See you in a few.

I don't feel nerves like this... ever. It has to be serious if she wants to meet me at work.

I call Andrea and tell her no interruptions for the next hour and walk to exit my office from the back door that's closer to the executive elevator.

A few minutes later the elevator pings and I see Ana, a complete vision. Cream white buttoned blouse, grey pencil skirt and silver patent heels. Sophisticated with an edge, why didn't she say she fit in here? Her hair is in her signature ponytail and her cheeks are flushed with a hint of red on her lips. Her expression is unreadable and I'm concerned.

We walk into the office and she turns to me stopping at the chair across from the couch.

"Are the doors locked?" She looks so small. "Yes baby the are."

"And our voices won't carry from the room right?" She whispers looking down.

"No baby, no one will hear our conversation. Is everything okay Ana?"

She looks up with her beautiful blue eyes and pulls on the lapels of my jacket and crushes her lips to me. What in the holy fuck? Her hands and now in my hair and she immediately lets go of me panting.

"Mr. Grey, please sit on the chair." I follow her instruction. "Slide down a little more, please." I do as she says.

She lifts her skirt and straddles me. "Lay your head back and close your eyes, Mr. Grey. You cannot touch me or look at me. Please tell me you understand." Her voice so innocent and seductive at the same time. My brain is on fire. "Yes Miss Steele I understand." I pant. I feel her fidget and then I hear music, set to low so that only we can hear it's on her phone placed next to my head.

_Take it or leave it_  
_Baby take it or leave it_  
_But I know you won't leave it_  
_'Cause I know that you need it_  
_Unh, look in the mirror_  
_When I look in the mirror_  
_Baby I see it clearer_  
_Why you wanna be nearer_

_I'm not surprised_  
_I sympathize, ah_  
_I can't deny_  
_Your appetite, ah_

_You got a fetish for my love_  
_I push you out and you come right back_  
_Don't see a point in blaming you_  
_If I were you, I'd do me too_

_You got a fetish for my love_  
_I push you out and you come right back_  
_Don't see a point in blaming you_  
_If I were you, I'd do me too_  
_You got a fetish for my love_

She positions herself and grinds hard and she leans in softly singing in my ear. Fuck. Holy fuck. I thought she didn't want to have sex. I'm lost and confused and horny as fuck right now. She kisses me across my jawline and bites my lips. Grinding to the beat, in a circular motion. "Oh fuck Ana" I moan. This is what dreams are made of.

_Reaching your limit_  
_Say you're reaching your limit_  
_Going over your limit_  
_But I know you can't quit it_  
_Something about me_  
_Got you hooked on my body_  
_Take you over and under and twisted up like origami_

_I'm not surprised_  
_I sympathize, ah_  
_I can't deny_  
_Your appetite, ah_

_You got a fetish for my love_  
_I push you out and you come right back_  
_Don't see a point in blaming you_  
_If I were you, I'd do me too_

_You got a fetish for my love_  
_I push you out and you come right back_  
_Don't see a point in blaming you_  
_If I were you, I'd do me too_  
_You got a fetish for my love_

She pulls me up and sings against my lips, grinding to the beat and then immediately stops, kissing me only, we're all tongues as she unzips me. And suddenly she pushes me back and kneels between my legs, I'm dying to open my eyes but she'll stop I know she has that level of control. She runs her hands against my thighs and grabs my dick. Oh shit. She kisses the top and swirls her tongues and then suddenly she takes me all in. Fuck does she not have a gag reflex. She takes me in deep, massaging my balls, sucking me and it's so fucking hot. I then feel her tongue on my balls and my makes me jump up and I can sense her smile against me as I feel her moan through my dick. This woman will kill me and I'll die happy.

_The way you walk, the way you talk_  
_I blame you 'cause it's all your fault_  
_Ya playin' hard, don't turn me off_  
_Ya acting hard, but I know you soft_  
_You my fetish, I'm so with it_  
_All these rumors bein' spreaded_  
_Might as well go 'head and whip it_  
_'Cause they sayin' we already did it_  
_Call on Gucci if you ever need and_  
_I'll be South Beach in the drop top gleamin'_  
_Water diamonds, Aquafina_  
_Just need you in a blue bikini_

_You got a fetish for my love_  
_I push you out and you come right back_  
_Don't see a point in blaming you_  
_If I were you, I'd do me too_

_You got a fetish for my love_  
_I push you out and you come right back_  
_Don't see a point in blaming you_  
_If I were you, I'd do me too_  
_You got a fetish for my love_

The music is perfect. As the girl starts to sing again she picks up speed and I feel I'm about to explode. I let go in time as soon as the song ends "oh shitttt baby... fuckkkkk." and my body jerks but Ana keeps her mouth on me and I completely empty in her and she drinks every last drop.

My breathing is out of control I'm panting and desperate and my eyes are tightly shut. I hear her giggle and zip me back up. She straddles back on to me.

"You may open your eyes and touch me Mr. Grey." she says every so sweetly. I open them immediately to find her hovering over me, biting her lip, a drop of my cum at the corner of her mouth and ponytail swept to the front. She's a siren. I take a second to drink her in. I pull her to me and me and invade her mouth and taste myself on her. She moans into my mouth with her hands in my hair. She kisses me urgently pulling on my jacket for dear life but then immediately lets go pushes my shoulders back down.

She gets up from me and straighten hers skirt and retrieving her phone. "Thank you for lunch Mr. Grey, I'll see you later." She says innocently and walks out.

HOLY FUCK. Here I am. Left like a panting fool in my office and barely able to speak. Another first, or a series of firsts to continue hopefully. I've never had sex in my office. I've never had her mouth on my dick. I'm going to need a minute or 15 to recover.

**APOV**

I walk out of Christian's office half amazed that I pulled that off. Did I really just do that? Fuck. That was an experience for sure. I feel alive and on fire. I feel so undeniably confident. I make my way down to the garage and go to access the public elevators and make my way back to 18th. I stop by the Ladies room before heading back to my desk. I can't help but smile. He's mine. Christian Grey belongs to me and I was able to stun Mr. Hotshot CEO. My phone pings.

CG: I'm in love with a literal goddess.

God, he's such a romantic man. I reply back.

AS: I can still taste you in my mouth.

CG: Oh baby, I'm never going to be able to focus in my office again.

AS: We aim to disrupt and please, Mr. Grey. How did I do for a first timer?

CG: Baby, you've earned a PhD in the field. I look forward to more discussions on this subject matter.

AS: You're so kind Mr. Grey, xo. I'll call you tonight after my shopping date with Barney. Love you!

CG: Be safe, baby.

The rest of the afternoon passes by in a haze. At one point I'm in Mr. Travis's office discussing the agenda for his Friday meeting with other department heads in regards to a series of possible new acquisitions, that GEH is eyeing. Suddenly I hear Mr. Travis's phone beep, he presses to accept the call and sets it to speakerphone. Suddenly I hear Christian's voice, "Travis. Grey. The renewal contract for..." and I can't help but blush and try my best to control my body from responding. God he sounds hot. Luckily Mr. Travis is going over some documents and they honestly could be talking about my little pony at this point because my body has other plans.

How am I going to continue working here I wonder?

I meet with Barney outside GEH for our shopping date. He's so nervous and excited. We head to and find some amazing pieces for him. He's so shy but all he needs is some confidence and he can have it all. Club Monaco also ends up being a hit. I can't wait for him to now get a decent haircut and a facial. Just a little polish can go a long way I tell him. We get sushi for dinner and talk about our families and time at college. I feel such a kinship with Barney, he's a sweet soul, only a few years older than me and incredibly kind. He's definitely one of my favorites at GEH. I give him some pointers for conversation starters and we practice, he stumbles every now and then but he's on his way to success.

**CPOV**

A million scenarios run through my mind in anticipation for this meeting with Kate. I can feel it in my bones that it's not going to be good. Or is really my guilt of keeping the BDSM lifestyle hidden from Ana that's projecting itself on to everything. Fuck me.

When I get back to Escala , Gail has prepared and set out a cheese board and some other appetizers for Kate's arrival. I get a bottle wine out and pour myself a glass to calm the nerves.

6:23PM, Taylor messages me that Kate is on her way up. Showtime.

Kate walks out of the elevator and makes her way to the great room.

"Hey Christian, thanks so much for meeting with me" she says softly and we half hug.

"Sure Kate, thank you for changing the venue, this is a safe space. Will Elliot be joining us? I ask, secretly hoping he won't.

She looks down, "No he won't, I don't know how he will react if I tell him all this info about Ana, he sees her as if she were another Mia and I can't bear to see him in pain over it. It is also breaking my heart to tell you but now that you're in Ana's life, it's imperative you have this info because she herself doesn't realize much of this stuff that I'm about to tell you."

Holy fuck. I'm going to need something stronger to drink.

"I understand. Would you like some wine?" I ask. "Oh god, yes please, I'm going to definitely need wine..." Kate says. I pour her a glass and carry the bottle with the cheese board to the couches to begin.

"First thing's first..."

* * *

**Authors Note: **Bet y;all got used to all the chapters that ended all nicely wrapped up with a bow and I love yous, hehe. I had initially thought I'd include Kate's conversation in this chapter but it's really... heavy so I decided to split it into two chapters. Drama... so much drama and tears coming up starting with next chapter.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out the chapter 14 board :)

**Music**

Congrtulations - Post Malone feat. Quavo

Fetish - Selena feat. Gucci Mane.


	16. Chapter 16

**DAMN**. I guess, I'm going to do more cliffies in the future. Muhaha.

**Before you begin, please read the Authors Note from March 6th. I updated it with a mini family tree. I realized from some reviews that Ana's family tree and religious background seemed confusing.**

Okay, this chapter was... heavy to write. I struggled with writing about Ana's trauma because I felt conflicted. What I am writing about is something that actually happened to my cousin, except she was married to this monster who violated her. It is a reality, I've heard of and in some cases seen the after effects of in my family and community. It stems from this bizarre and animalistic view of ownership. This is still not the full story of what Ana went through, there is so much more about her relationship with Vishaal that will come out and it will be gut wrenching but it's a reality that is frankly prevelant in many south asian families, not all to this extreme but a decent percentage, yes.

Growing up, I had this young uncle who would touch me inappropriately. And it would seem very innocent in front of people but I knew what he was doing and I couldn't say anything, I would act normal even though I'd be filled with dread inside. He eventually moved away but when people just simply say "why doesn't she say anything"... I know just how freaking scary it feels. So silence becomes your best friend.

**Trigger warning. themes of rape, suicide and severe depression. **

I will understand if you all absolutely hate me after this chapter. I am very conflicted myself but I promise you that Ana will find her happy ending.

* * *

Chapter 15 – My little star in the sky.

_Wednesday, December 11__th__,2019._

"I understand. Would you like some wine?" I ask. "Oh god, yes please, I'm going to definitely need wine..." Kate says. I pour her a glass and carry the bottle with the cheese board to the couches to begin.

"First thing's first, and I'm just going to dive in because... well... the anniversary of Ray's death and the accident is coming up on December 26th. Her mood is going to fluctuate a lot and holidays are difficult for her, she herself won't be fully aware of it but you will notice it. Her going quiet all of a sudden, or her music choices getting very dark, even her singing voice gets dark. I have a playlist that I use to keep track of problem songs that have her spiral. The music is gut wrenching and when you listen to it you'll know why. Should you ever catch her listening or singing it, you need to quickly get her out of that mindset. Distract her in whatever you can."

She proceeds to tell me the nature of Ana's accident; it was a multiple car collision on the main highway and it took almost two hours for emergency services to pull Ana and Ray out from the wreckage of multiple cars. Ana lost a lot of blood and arrested 3 times on her way to the hospital. Cause of accident was rain and ice, resulting in loss of control for a delivery truck in front of them, which caused the multiple car collision.

Kate and Nita are listed as the two people to make healthcare decisions on Ana's medical power of attorney. This became necessary at college when Ana would have one of her trance episodes and Nita was too far away to get to WSU in time. Kate has been making 90% of healthcare decisions for Ana since her second year of college.

"She can sometimes go into a trance and there is no way of us figuring out how it happens. I can now identify it as soon as it happens, it's a weird blink in her eye and I can tell she's gone. There have been two instances where she's made two suicide attempts in that state. She has no memory of them but I've witnessed it and it's fucking scary. They happened early on in our friendship.

I met her in one of these on campus lectures her first week there for an author who was visiting, I happened to be sitting next to her and noticed she was shivering and she was so scared like a child. It was a huge lecture hall filled with people to the max and I guess she was overwhelmed. I started talking to her and she started to smile a bit. But Christian, she looked so... gaunt and small and... it was...anyway... I took her out for coffee, she was trying her best to walk normally but I could see the pain in her face. After we talked some more, I just straight up asked her and she immediately broke down and told me she'd been raped. She hadn't told anyone and I was the first person she told. I just hugged her and took her back to my apartment."

She stops for a few seconds. "I had an extra bed and I helped give her a bath and Christian..." She sobs. "What I saw... I can't describe... the marks on her body... there were welts on her back and what looked like rope burns on her elbows and knees. It was...she was on a steady diet of advil and liquids and maybe a yogurt here and there because she couldn't eat solid foods because...it hurt for her to go to the bathroom. She hadn't eaten in days. Do you understand what I'm saying?" She looks to me, eyes pleading and I slowly nod but the image of what I have now come to learn makes me wince. I feel my body stiffen with anger.

"I took her to my gynaecologist and we got her started on medication and got her blood work done and I signed her up with a therapist. Even though I hadn't gone through what she went through... it made me sign up for therapy again myself." She takes a shuddering breath.

That motherfucker. He... violated her in the worst way. I immediately get up and start pacing the room.

"I'm sorry Christian. If this is too much... I can stop."

"No. I need to know this. I can handle it. Tell me, everything. Do not leave anything out." My voice is strained and it's taking everything in me to not go to India and murder fucking piece of shit. She nods and wipes her tears and takes a steadying breath.

"I wasn't in the market for a roommate, my dad got me the place so finances weren't a problem but it just made sense that she live with me. Even though I had only known her for a few hours, I couldn't stand the thought of her being alone, ever. That's how our friendship began. The next day, a couple of my friends and I went to her dorm room and brought over her stuff, which wasn't much. I slept with her every night for 2 weeks. She would wake up screaming and crying. It was... difficult but she slowly started to get better. I slowly started to see flashes of the real Ana. She was funny and full of sass... but it took a long time for her to really come out of her shell...

Once when Kiran and Vishaal came to visit on business, they were trying to acquire one of the hotels in Portland, we went out to dinner and I could feel Ana slipping away towards the end. We said goodbye to them. They left to go to the airport and we exited the hotel restaurant but she walked into oncoming traffic. It was the scariest thing Christian. She just kept walking, like she wanted to just give up on life.

Another time, we were on the roof of our apartment building after finals during the spring semester and we had some friends over, I randomly looked over and she was standing by the edge looking down with the most vacant stare. I don't know what triggered it but it was fucking scary."

Kate starts to sob again. I sit back down next to her and put my hand on her shoulder.

"How does she come out of these trances?" I ask, barely able to get the words out.

"There are series of things I can do to get her out of the trance, and most of them have to do with Ray. Like asking her if she wants pancakes. Also, if she ever orders pancakes outside of breakfast time that means she's overwhelmed and something is about to happen or has already happened. Do you remember the way her voice sounded when she sung that Hindi song in the car up to Carmel? Watch out for that voice, that is the beginning of something going down in her brain."

I silently nod.

"In the event she goes into a trance, your first phone call has to be me, not 911. Any pain, absolutely anything where you feel like you don't know what to do, call me or Elliot. I will walk you through it. I am also going to email you a copy of her medical file along with the police report of her accident to you and Grace to have just in case." She starts to fidget with her phone and I get a ping and it's a copy of Ana's file. "She also hasn't been to therapy in the last 4 months, she couldn't afford it. I tried paying for sessions but she didn't let me so that's another issue. She's fucking stubborn that way. Hopefully now that the wedding is over, she can go back to spending money on herself."

I need to fucking call Flynn. I need to set her up with him. This is a fucking disaster.

"I know I can be a royal bitch when it comes to Ana, threatening everyone because truth is, I honestly would kill for her. She means too much to me. I never had a great relationship with my own mother and she when she died 4 months after being diagnosed with cancer, Ana was there every step of the way. She rubbed my back, did my assignments, sang me to sleep and she healed me. I'll be damned if I let anyone hurt her. I know what you both feel for each other and I'm so happy that you've found each other but if this seems like a lot for you to handle, you need to tell me now. And you need to tell Ana to her face. Don't abandon her like Carla, her biological father or Ray, I know Ray was essentially taken, it was an accident but there's a part of Ana's brain that feels like he left her, it's irrational. The songs she sings, longing for him, Christian, it's enough to rip your heart out. Remember at the wedding when sang End of the world? Didn't it just rip you to pieces? Music is the extension of who she is. She can be singing something so gut wrenching as she's washing dishes and I call out to her and she's completely normal and has no memory of singing. So you have to keep track of that.

I realize it can feel burdensome given how you guys are still new and you should be discovering all this amazing stuff about each other rather than keeping an eye on how's she's constantly feeling and what each song means but that's how her brain processes her emotions and her thoughts. It's beautiful and sometimes fucking terrifying. And these are only songs in English. I can't keep track of the Hindi ones, she listens to some really heavy shit and when she sings I can tell its bad but I don't know the language so I'm at bit of a disadvantage on that front."

Kate starts to cry again. She's so utterly devoted to Ana... It's taking all off my self-control to not lose my shit.

"Anytime she'd be in San Francisco, I'd be in on pins and needles the entire time, because she wasn't in front of me and possibly in the sights of that creep Vishaal. So I've devised a system where I text her every 2 hours and make her send me voice recordings in return. It'll be the most random shit just to get a reaction out of her and I'll know she's fine and I could check the tone of her voice."

"Kate, where the fuck where Nita and Nani and when she was raped and after? Did they not notice her in pain? Is that entire family fucking blind? It astounds me. It makes me want to..."

"From what I remember, it was one of those freak weekends where everyone was away. I know Nita and her sister were in LA to shop for Indian clothes and were coming back on Sunday and Nani was in New York but scheduled to come back to SF later that weekend as well to help Ana move to WSU with Nita. Kiran and Vishaal, didn't live at home so... she was alone which wasn't all that uncommon since she was fairly recovered and they had a housekeeper... I could be wrong again but I do know that she was completely alone.

And, Christian... Ana puts up a really good and convincing front for them. She will smile and laugh through the pain and fear in front of them. She's even fooled me on occasion. I have seen her act so normal with Vishaal in front of the family that you would never guess there was something amiss. It's only when shit happens to her out of the blue, unexpectedly that she has a extreme physical reaction like her hip pain. Like, in Cabo, she was completely fine because she knew he would be there and she was safe. So she was normal whenever he addressed her in front of everyone. You honestly would never have guessed."

"Why the fuck does she do that? Why doesn't she tell them what the fuck he did?"

"She can't lose them. She is devoted to them. After Ray, they're the only family she's got. Carla is a selfish bitch so she's never going to be an option. For Nani and Nita, she won't risk it, she will not rip that family apart besides... she has no proof. So she'll endure this abuse, that's what it all comes down to. Proof."

I hang my head in my hands, frustrated to the point of breaking. This is unacceptable. I can't... I cant...Kate starts to speak again.

"I use the same texting system for her when she's at GEH everyday; the adjustment period for her in that place was hard. It's your baby but holy hell it can be intimidating especially for someone like Ana. It's only a few weeks before the wedding that she started to find her groove and finally have friends there." She has a small smile on her face.

"Kate, she has the whole fucking place wrapped around her finger. She's completely blind. Yesterday I found all this shit she's responsible for and I can't still wrap my head around it. She saved the company $10 million on a deal, has this cookie initiative that's improved company morale and interdepartmental relationships, the entire facilities staff knows her... I mean... fuck, Kate, where has she been all this time and she has no idea of how amazing she is and what's more is that she was never going to tell any of us, I had to find this all out on my own..."

I ramble on and I look up to Kate smiling with tears in her eyes.

"That's the beauty of who she is. It's so effortless, the way she gives, no second thoughts just... pure love." Kate tears up. "I don't mean to put pressure on you but I need to know that you're in it for the long haul with her, I'm talking the serious shit, marriage and kids cause she dreams of that for herself, with a girl like Ana it's either a yes or no and it's a decision that's immediate, there's no 'we'll see how this goes..." it's all or nothing and she deserves no less so if you have absolutely have any reservations, you need to cut out from her life now so I can deal with the downfall while everything is still new rather than when she's in too deep because every time she goes through a breakdown I feel like I'll fail her and I'll lose her forever. And I can't lose her Christian. Please try and understand. I cannot lose her." She sobs.

I hold her hand and give it a reassuring squeeze.

"I can't bear to lose her either Kate, I can't explain how much she's changed my life in these few days. My life can never be the same without her."A lump form in my throat and it burns.

Marriage? Kids? Am I worthy of that? Do I deserve that? And most importantly, can I give her that? Fuck. Fuckkkkk. _Love is for fools,_ starts to resound loudly in my head but this isn't about me. My entire life has been about myself and my selfish shit. I need to be there for Ana. I need to protect her and love her and show her what how amazing she is.

"She's so happy with you Christian, she beams with a light I've not seen before. I feel like I'm seeing the the real Ana." Kate smiles as she puts her other hand on mine. "When she's with you I don't feel the need to check up on her that much because I know you'll keep her safe. Text me whenever you need some guidance on how to navigate her moods or things you don't understand in regards to her thought process. I've got 4 years of research waiting to see the light of day." She laughs a little. I smile back.

"Thank you Kate, this has been... heavy but necessary... and I know there's so much I need to learn about her and I honestly am willing to spend my entire life learning and doing whatever I can to make her happy. I never wanted to do that for anyone, with her it just comes pouring out. I've laughed so much with her than I have in my entire life. She's given my family back to me in a way I never knew I could have them. Our time at Carmel by the Sea, was a revelation. My relationship with Elliot has grown exponentially because of Ana."

Kate smiles with such adoration. "Elliot said the same. He said he finally got to meet his brother that weekend. He'd been waiting for you. He just so badly wanted to have a bond with you and that's the fucking magic of Ana, she weaves this magic without knowing." She wipes tears off of her cheeks "I mean look at us, she's not even in the fucking room and we're moping around about her like lovesick puppies." We both laugh.

"I'm honestly, emotionally strung out right now so I may be forgetting stuff but I'll email you whatever comes to mind and you can file it in your Ana folder!" Kate gives me a small smile.

"There is one last thing, and I'm just going to put it out there and I don't need you to confirm or deny anything but I want you to be careful. There is a rumor of a list going around of some insane BDSM lifestyle of the richest men in USA, your name has been linked to it. They are working on an expose of sorts with some credible sources, that's all I know. I can't get any more concrete information on it because ever since my relationship with Elliot became known anything related to the 'Grey' name is off limits to me, under the Kavanagh Media portfolio. Chinese wall and all that bullshit. Again I'm not looking for any confirmation and this is between you and me, I would never tell Elliot something like this, so never worry on that front. It's your life but in terms of Ana, if there is anything that can remotely affect her, she needs to know about it. You know absolutely everything about her; she deserves the same kind of transparency. She is my only concern in all this. I hope you can understand. I don't want her to get hurt."

"I understand your concern and thank you for the tip, Kate. I appreciate it more than you know."

Fuck, I'm screwed.

I walk Kate down to the garage and see her off. I feel a storm brewing within me. I need to see Ana but she's busy and I can't bombard her, she has her life and I need to respect that. I head back upstairs and meet with Taylor to have a conference call with Welch to discuss this new info Kate shared. We need to figure out who's talking and how to kill this expose before its too late.

"Welch, I need something on Kapadia and I need it yesterday."

"Sir, I assure you, it is my top priority."

"Just get it done." I say and hang up.

I check Kate's email with the police and medical report and link to her Ana's grief playlist she's compiled. Going through her reports is gut wrenching, I feel the tears fall from eyes. Their car collided with an 18-wheeler and it caused a 10 car collision. Ray was pronounced dead on the scene. Ana barely held on. She went through all that excruciating pain and was almost lost to the world. I so badly want to fix everything, I feel like a failure. All this money and success and I can't do a fucking thing to take her pain away.

I follow the playlist on Spotify and press play as the music starts to breathe in through the sound system in the office. I have a feeling I will regret this but I need to see and feel her grief too in whatever small I can to understand her more. I pour myself a brandy and take my seat by the floor to ceiling window in the office and I stare out into the city.

The first song starts and it's so fucking heartbreaking. Is this how she really feels sometimes? God. _How does she function? _She's got so much love in her and she's carrying around all this sadness.

_I'm so tired  
Where can I lay my head?  
I'll just close my eyes  
Hope I wake up dead  
I don't want to live without you  
Don't leave me out here to die  
Don't leave me out here to die_

When I first saw her. I would have never imagined all this. I would have never imagined all this pain and sadness in her. She has only given everyone love. How could he want to hurt her? What kind of a monster... _Look in the mirror, Grey._ _Is there any real difference between you and Vishaal? _I blink a couple times trying to find some focus. I stare out the window and I start to listen to the lyrics... the song has changed. I stare Ferris wheel down below. My mind goes back to her bathed in golden hour light, smiling and laughing... looking at me with her beautiful blue eyes with love and trust.

_The hospital asked should the body be cast_  
_Before I say goodbye, my star in the sky_  
_Such a funny thought to wrap you up in cloth_  
_Do you find it all right, my dragonfly?_

_Shall we look at the moon, my little loon  
Why do you cry?  
Make the most of your life, while it is rife  
While it is light_

_Well you do enough talk  
My little hawk, why do you cry?  
Tell me what did you learn from the Tillamook burn?  
Or the Fourth of July?  
We're all gonna die_

I wonder about the girl who wanted to visit Italy. The little girl laughing on her father's shoulders. She almost left this world but by some miracle held on and for what... for people to continuously take from her. I am one of them. I am only taking from her. _I'm just as guilty._

_Turn me inside out, turn me upside down  
(Oh, it breaks my heart)  
Take me home somehow, take me home  
(To know I can't go back in time)  
Turn me inside out, turn me upside down  
(And feel those feelings for forever)  
Take me home somehow_

I turn off the music. I need to get my shit together and tell her. I need to talk to Flynn again and figure out a way to do this in a way that will not break what we already have. I can't bear to lose her. I just can't. I just found her and there is still so much I want to discover with her. I can't imagine my life without her. It would be a pitiful existence and it wouldn't be worth it.

CG: John, I need a session. What's the earliest you can do?

Flynn: I have a full day tomorrow, 6pm is the earlier I can do.

CG: That works. Thanks.

Flynn: See you tomorrow.

I try to recover from everything Kate told me, and the music. I go through pictures and videos of us from the wedding and our outing at Carmel by the Sea. She really is life itself. She's a miracle and I have the honor of having her in my life and I cannot fuck this up. I play a video that Mia took of Ana and I laughing as Elliot said ridiculous things to get Ana to laugh as Kate took pictures. Her laughter lights up everything. I can remember how her skin felt as I kissed her. I need her. I can't wait to see her again.

I head back to my bedroom to try and sleep and to calm my spiraling mind. It's a little after 10pm and my phone rings. It's a facetime call from Ana.

"Hey sleepyhead, I hope I didn't wake you." She says smiling. I can see she's propped her phone up on her dresser and starts to walk around her room putting things away.

"No you didn't baby, I was just getting ready for bed."

"You sound sad, is everything okay?

"I just missed you. I can't wait to see you on Friday."

She comes back and picks up the phone and walks over to her bed and plops herself on it. "Awww, Mr. Grey, you sure know how to make a girl feel special. I can't wait to see you either. I might just kiss you till my lips fall off."

She giggles and it's like a balm.

"Miss Steele, I'm going to hold you to that. How was your date with Barney?"

"It was good, we found him some good pieces for his wardrobe and I made him an appointment to get his haircut and get a facial. This makeover is going to be amazing, I'm positive some of the GEH ladies are going to drool over him too. He's such a good guy, he just needs some confidence, in fact you should give him some pointers. Teach him some of that Grey charm."

She laughs. She's so thoughtful and kind.

"You're such a good friend. It's inspiring."

"You're so sweet. I love you."

"I love you too. What are you doing right now?"

Ana: "Well aside from talking to my boyfriend, I just finished prepping my clothes for tomorrow then I'm going to knock out" she yawns.

"I wish I could interrupt your plans." I smile.

"You're free to come over." She wiggles her eyebrows and laughs. "I've never made a booty call."

I can't help but laugh, I've missed that smart mouth. "Miss Steele, I thought you were a lady."

"Ehhh, being a lady is overrated." She smirks. "But I can't wait for you to interrupt my plans over the weekend."

"I'm anxiously looking forward to it Miss Steele, sleep baby. Dream of me."

"Always."

"I love you Ana."

"I love you Christian, good night."

Thursday, December 11th, 2019.

CPOV

I started the day with a grueling session with Claude. He knocked me on my ass more times than I could count but I got some of the aggression out. I'm losing control but thankfully it's not to the point where I need a sub session. In fact, I haven't thought about anything remotely submissive related. I feel a tinge of pride at the development.

"Damn Grey, your game is going down the shitter."

"Fuck off Claude, it's been a hard week."

"No excuses, get your shit together, we're going for another round."

He knocks me off on my ass again.

The day drones on, calls, meetings and the reading and signing of endless documents. I miss Ana, I don't hear from her all that much throughout the day. She's busy no doubt with all the shit that's raining down on legal from all sides. I'm tempted to go down there and just take a walk around to see what she's doing but that would be a dick move. I need to let her have her space. I'm trying to follow Flynn's advice.

I text Taylor to let him know that I'll be going to Flynn's for an appointment at 6pm, I'll take the SUV and he can ride with Ana and Sawyer.

I pull up to Flynn's practice close to 6pm and wait in the reception area for him to be done with his appointment.

He welcomes me and we get right down to business.

"How's everything going Christian?" Flynn asks.

"Not so good, I'm teetering on the edge of losing control."

"Okay, explain, what brought these feelings about?"

"Ana's best friend Kate asked to meet with me yesterday evening. She came by and basically gave me a crash course in everything Ana in terms of her mental health. She told me about Ana's rape. John, I..."

I get up and walk trying not to rip the hair off of my head.

"He raped her John, in the worst way... I can't even... he beat her. Restrained her. Welts and rope burns. He raped her completely to the point where she could eat food for days to avoid going to the bathroom. I can't even... HOW THE FUCK CAN HE DO THAT TO A GIRL WHO HE CALLED HIS SISTER? HOW THE FUCK COULD HE DO THAT TO HER. SHE IS PURE AND INNOCENT AND FULL OF LOVE. WHY DID HE HURT HER THAT WAY?" I lost my voice to a sob as I look up trying keep it together.

"Christian, I need you to take a few minutes... breathe. Take a few deep breaths."

I nod and follow his directive. I backwards from 20 a couple of times and try to control myself... and begin to speak again.

"Kate told me she's on Ana's medical power of attorney and has been making 90% of Ana's health related decisions since their first year of college. She tends to go trances John, anything can trigger it and she's made suicidal attempts twice while in that state. She has no memory of it but John, I'm fucking scared... I'm fucking terrified. How can I tell her about my past without possibly triggering something? And to top it off, I'm under pressure, apparently there's an expose in the works about the BDSM lifestyle and the richest men of America who indulge in it. My name is on that fucking list because someone couldn't keep their mouth shut."

"I see." John looks down.

"Christian, would you prefer a couples' session? That way, we're in a safe space and should anything happen she can get the help she needs?"

"I don't know. I think so, I don't want her to feel cornered, I can't even imagine what that will feel like." I breathe.

"Well, we can have Kate wait in reception just in case." He offers.

"I think that can be worked out."

"Is there anything else you're having trouble expressing to her?" He's good. He knows me too well.

"I haven't told her about my birth mother. I can't bring myself to, I can't form the sentences."

"Is that also something you might want to broach as a subject during the couples' session given your need for control does stem from your childhood trauma?"

"I guess. She too has issues of control by the way but the way she deals with it is in the most effortless way. She doesn't control people, she gives them freedom, she just controls herself, she protects herself and is always thinking two steps ahead, she thinks of everything. I can't explain it. She'll kneel in front of people, she'll disarm in a way I've never seen. I can't explain it John, you just have to see it."

"I guess that where the two you of are different, you're aggressive and closed off and she's gentle and open. She's showing you possibilities of the alternative. That's what relationships are Christian, the understanding of what else is possible through the eyes of your partner, you both will unintentionally influence each other, just like how you feel the need to show her affection and the calming effect she has on you and as for her, I can't say, I'm not her therapist so I can't say what effect you have on her but you'll eventually see it. You too will have a positive effect on her. Just give it time."

"I guess, thanks John."

_Friday, December 13__th__, 2019._

"We're going to have to go to Tokyo, Christian. The situation is getting out of hand." Ros is frustrated.

"No, I'll go. You stay with Gwen, she needs you. This is the second time this year they fucking dropped the ball. Ros, I'm going to lose my shit with the Tokyo office when I get there." I'm seething. This fuckup couldn't have happened at a worse time. I need more time with Ana.

"Be my guest, between Gwen and them, it's been a fucking nightmare." Ros pinches the bridge of her nose. "When do you think you'll head out?"

"I'll leave early Sunday evening, I have a family thing I can't get out of and I'll be back by Friday evening at the latest." I tell her.

The morning slowly blends into the afternoon. I'll get to see Ana this evening. The past two days have been hell without her and I've barely slept. With all the new information from Kate, I'm reeling. I need her.

I need a distraction. I decide to make my way down to 16th to check in with Barney and also to kill the time. That's the best thing about that kid, he lets me just walk in and spend time doing random stuff in the lab as I process my own shit and he's great to talk to if need be.

I walk in and have to do a double take, he looks different. Face shaved, hair cut and gelled back a bit, dark chinos and a fitted shirt. He looks like he stepped out of GQ, damn. Ana did good.

"Afternoon, Mr. G... how can I help?"

"I'm just here to kill some time Barney. Carry on."

"Cool, let me know if you need anything." He goes back to his computer or the Mothership as he likes to call it and stares at intently with the 15 or so screens at his disposal.

20 minutes or so pass by and I hear heels running down the hall and Ana swings in to the room.

"I'm SO sorry I'm late, delivery took forever but lunch is finally here." She says out of breath "HOLD UP! Who dis? Damn Barns, you clean up good!" Barney shyly chuckles "Anaaaa don't tease!"

"Oh hell yes I will. You look so good Barns, I'm so proud of you. Emily will jump you the next time she sees you." Ana laughs and throws her head back as she does. She looks so beautiful.

She's simple full sleeve black dress that hits her knees with heels. My body loses control immediately. Her hair is braided and hangs off the side in towards the front of her face. Her makeup is simple as well but I can see but of a smoky eye, she looks like perfection as always.

"God Ana, you're so embarrassing. You're never gonna meet Emily!" Barney warns.

"Whatever, Emily and I will become best-friends, you better watch yourself." She giggles and starts to take out lunch. "So tell me, did she text you after getting the flowers and dog treats? TELL. ME. EVERYTHING!" Ana pleads.

Barney shyly tells her the details and Ana sets out the lunch and they start eating, Ana opts to remain standing and animatedly teases Barney about his upcoming date with Emily.

"Barns, you're gonna do UH-MAZING. I have all the faith in you. It's great you both have been texting, it takes the edge off and listen, while it's great that you've put in the effort and made strides, all of this is more for you than Emily. It may not work out with her and that's okay but learn what you can from this experience. I don't want you going back to hoodies and cargo pants, I will burn your apartment down." She half scolds and giggles.

"Yes mom" Barney rolls his eyes. "I owe you, Ana, how can I ever repay you?" He smiles at her. "Well, I'll send you a list of things and you can choose what to get me. Careful though, I'm high maintenance so I only like expensive things but since you work here I'm sure you make the big bucks and can afford it." Ana laughs.

I've been watching from across the room and Ana is oblivious to my presence, reminds me of the wedding except, no one ignores me on my turf, I decide to have some fun and walk back to the front of the lab.

"Oh hey Mr. G! Please join us. This is my friend, Ana Steele, from legal that I was telling you about... helping me score a date with Emily!"

Ana's face whips in my direction and her eyes open wide but she quickly recovers and her expression becomes passive.

"Miss Steele, it's a pleasure. Barney has said nothing but wonderful things about you. You're a good friend." I say extending my hand and smile as seductively as I can at her.

She raises an eyebrow and takes my hand, giving me a strong unaffected handshake. Oh she's playing too.

"Thank you Mr. Grey, Barney here is too kind. Would you like to join us? We've ordered Thai for lunch and we have more than enough to share." Ah, Miss Steele the ever the gracious host.

"Yeah Mr. G, join us, this crab ragoon is the bomb!"

I smile. "Thank you for the offer but I don't want to intrude, please carry on. See you on Monday. It was lovely meeting you Miss Steele."

She gives me a small smile and looks away immediately. I turn to exit the room and send her a text.

CG: Meet me in the ladies room on this floor. You have 2 minutes.

Best thing about Barney having his own floor is that it's only him and 2 other male employees, which means the ladies room is always empty.

A few minutes later, Ana walks in, her face is flushed and her breathing changed. I reach behind her and lock the bathroom door.

I pin her to the wall, holding her arms above her head as I flush my body against her, lean in and whisper in her ear "Miss Steele, I've been dying to see you and touch you since you fucked my brains out in my office. It's been extremely difficult to focus."

"Hmm, I didn't know I had the effect on you Mr. Grey." She whispers in my ear and bites my jaw. Fuck, I need her now.

"Miss Steele, that smart mouth of yours is another thing I really missed. Are you still bleeding?" She shakes her head with a smile. "Thank fuck. We both are short on time and while I'd really love to take my time returning the favor I really need this to be hard and fast." She mewls, and nods biting her bottom lip. I kiss her roughly and grind into as she lifts her leg to lock on over to me.

I raise up her dress and look down to check her panties. "I don't think you need these." I rip them and she gasps. I unzip myself and line my cock at her opening "Tell me Miss Steele, do you want me to fuck you?"

She nods silently. " I need to hear you baby."

"Please fuck me, Mr. Grey."

"You wish is my command Miss Steele." I enter her and she moans. "Sshh... not a sound."

She looks to die for right now. I ease into her a few times to get her used to the feeling and then slam into her. A moans escapes her mouth and she bites her lip. I pick up speed and pound into her. I can tell she's close, I kiss her keeping one hand under her the leg that's locked around me while my other hand grabs on to her braid, forcing her face up to me. She's a dream come true right now.

We moan into each other. It doesn't take me long to come and she follows almost instantly.

As we slowly come back to earth, I tip her head back up again and she looks into my eyes, dreamily with a smile on her face. She's completely spent.

"You are a dream come true, Miss Steele." I whisper against her lips and kiss her.

"Mmmm, you're not so bad yourself Mr. Grey." She smiles back with her eyes closed. I quickly zip up and get tissues to help her clean up. She turns into the mirror to check her makeup and hair and fix her dress. But she looks perfect.

I hold her face and kiss her again. "I can't wait to see you tonight."

She smiles back at me "same here, thank you for lunch Mr. Grey." She winks. I smirk and kiss her again.

After Ana and I are done with dinner we sit on the couches and talk some more and catch up. I put my arm around her as she sits and turns into me. I can't help but shower her with kisses as we talk. I can't get everything that Kate told me and her grief playlist out of my mind. I want to give her everything and more. I want to heal her completely and make her forget the pain.

"Mr. Grey, you're awfully affectionate this evening. What have I done to deserve so much of love?" She smiles back up at me with dreamy eyes.

"You're just my biggest dream come true Miss Steele, I want to cherish you forever." I hold her face and brush my thumb across her cheek.

"I think that can be arranged." She giggles.

"Baby, I have to head out Tokyo early Sunday evening."

"Is everything okay there? Mr. Travis mentioned one of factories is on strike."

"Yeah it's that and they fucked up on one of the local acquisition deals. It's the second time they fucked up this year. I'm so done with this shit." I can feel myself get tense.

She kisses me, long and deep. I feel myself calm down a bit. "Try not to kill anyone, I know you're mad at them but don't scream at them too much. You're an old man now, you have to watch your blood pressure." She giggles.

I laugh, "thank you for your vote of confidence Miss Steele, I'll be sure to keep my blood pressure in check."

"I'll miss you terribly. When will you be back?"

"I'll miss you too baby, more than you'll know. I'll try to get back by Friday if not earlier."

"Okay. Not bad, it's kind of like our regular schedule. I don't see you much in the week anyway. I'm just your weekend girlfriend, while you spend the week with your wife aka GEH." She laughs and an uneasy feeling creeps in as the comparison reminds me of the sub lifestyle except she's so much more than that. She's everything. I smile back her and kiss her. "You'll be my all week girlfriend whenever we announce."

"Soon, I just want us to be us for a little while longer... by the way, can we go buy a tree tomorrow and decorate it? I'm feeling a little bit of the holiday spirit unless you decorate a specific way? I don't want to intrude." She asks innocently.

"I'd love that baby, I never really decorate. I'm usually a grump around the holidays anyway."

"I figured. We're going to change that starting now." She laughs and gets up to straddle me. "I love you, you grump!" she kisses me sweetly and we get lost in each other.

I wake up with a jolt. I can't sleep. Ana's back is to me as she sleeps peacefully. All the information from Wednesday is searing through my brain. I'm trying to get a handle on it myself instead of running to Flynn for every little thing. Elliot was right, I need to focus on the future, a path forward. I just don't want to fuck it up. I need to tell her about the playroom before it comes out but what if she leaves. What the fuck will I do then? How do I go back to life without her?

After dinner, I couldn't get enough of her. I wanted to show her how much I loved her and cherished her and I did but it's still not enough. After the fourth time she begged me to stop, laughing deliriously, as I kissed her neck. I smile at the thought. I kiss her temple and get up.

I sit at the piano yet again. Unable to play anything remotely worthy of what Ana means to me. Nothing I play comes close to who she is. I close my eyes and try to play something again when I feel her sit next to me. I look to her and her face is illuminated by the city lights pouring in, her hair swept on to one side cascading over her shoulder. "What's wrong Christian? Tell me. How can I make it better?" She asks with worried eyes as she curls her arms around my bicep and kisses my shoulder.

I love her so much in this moment. I turn to hold her face in my hands and kiss her softly, trying to apologize for the information I will eventually share with her if I can find the courage within me to do so.

I break the kiss and Ana's eyes meet mine again. She put her hand on my cheek and lightly grazes my stubble.

"Can you sing to me?" I ask in a small voice.

She picks up my hand and kisses it. "Only if you play for me." I quietly nod and ask "what song?"

She gives my hand a squeeze and gets up to get her bag from the couch. She pulls out the iPad and walks to me. As she taps her home screen, it illuminates and I see a picture of Ray holding Ana from when she was a child, around 5-6 years old, they are looking at each other, Ana has a pony tail with a ribbon tied around it. The forever, innocent beauty she is.

She does a quick search for sheet music and I remember seeing the name of the song in her music library on spotify but never got the chance to listen to it - the power of love, gabrielle alpin - The Frankie Goes to Hollywood version is the only one I know of. I read through the sheet music and realize this will be different. I lift her up and make her straddle me; I want to be close to her.

"Christian, how will you play, you can't see the iPad or the keys."

"I read through the whole thing, I don't need to see it and I've got all the keys memorized. I just need to be with you. Your rhythm and voice will guide me."

She kisses me sweetly. "Okay, play whenever you're ready."

I start to play and her voice slowly echoes throughout the room as she sweetly sings, I close my eyes with my head low and her thumb lightly traces my bottom lip.

_Dreams are like angels_  
_They keep bad at bay_  
_Love is the light_  
_Scaring darkness away_  
_I'm so in love with you_  
_Make love your goal_

_The power of love_  
_A force from above_  
_Cleaning my soul_  
_Flame on burn desire_  
_Love with tongues of fire_  
_Purge the soul_

Make love your goal

She holds my face in both of my hands, and looks into my eyes as she continues to sing, her words feel like a promise and intensity in her voice causes a lump to form in my throat

_I'll protect you from the hooded claw_  
_Keep the vampires from your door_  
_When the chips are down I'll be around_  
_With my undying death-defying love for you_  
_Envy will hurt itself_  
_Let yourself be beautiful_  
_Sparkling light, flowers and pearls and pretty girls_  
_Love is like an energy_  
_Rushing in, rushing inside of me_

_The power of love_  
_A force from above_  
_Cleaning my soul_  
_Flame on burn desire_  
_Love with tongues of fire_  
_Purge the soul_  
_Make love your goal_

She then brings her face closer and sings the following against my lips and my body comes alive for her.

This time we go sublime  
Lovers entwined divine, divine  
Love is danger, love is pleasure  
Love is pure, the only treasure  
I'm so in love with you  
Make love your goal

She looks into my eyes again, running her on hand through my hair and she sings the last chorus with the pain and sadness similar to the wedding and I feel it burn through the entire apartment, echoing and bouncing back to us.

_The power of love_  
_A force from above_  
_Cleaning my soul_  
_The power of love_  
_A force from above_  
_A sky scraping dove_  
_Flame on burn desire_  
_Love with tongues of fire_  
_Purge the soul_  
_Make love your goal_

_Make love your goal_

Tears in her eyes, she gives me a soft kiss at the corner of my mouth and I bury my head into her neck. Crushing her to me. She knows how to heal me and make me feel safe and loved. I don't deserve her and I know I'm about to lose her. She'll run from me as soon as she sees the darkness within me.

"I need you now, Ana" I look up at her, my voice is strained but I need to be inside her. I need to lose myself in her and pour all this emotion into our bond.

"I'm yours and I'm here for you." She kisses me. I take her shirt off of her; she's completely naked and ready for me. She takes my shirt off and runs her hand inside my boxes as I lean into her breasts, savoring the contact. I lift her slightly and lower on to me as I slowly fill her, her body arches as she throws her head back, moaning, it honestly sounds like she's singing as it echoes. I could bottle up that sound and listen to it forever.

She tries to move up to establish a rhythm and I wrap my arm around her hips and cup her neck bringing her face down to me. "Don't move baby, just feel me." She lets out a small moan. I grind and thrust into her and she moans with her eyes closed, lips barely touching mine. I kiss her, my tongue invading and taking everything she can give me. I groan into her mouth with each thrust. I let go of her neck and place my thumb against her clit and it makes her throw her head back again, moaning "Christian... ahhh." We're both almost there, I can feel it. I bite her breasts and it lights the fire within her, she can't handle the sensory overload, I can feel her muscles start to clench so I start to really push into her, hard as she grabs my face and moans loudly into my mouth. God I love her, she's exquisite.

I break the kiss and trail my lips down to her neck and bite her hard and she jerks up "fuck, Christian... yes." as she runs her hand through my hair. She's so close. I remove my arm and place both hands on her hips and give her the go ahead to move however she wants. She wastes no time and picks up speed, grinding against me in circles while her tongue mirrors the same movement in my mouth. I can't believe I've lived without this feeling of complete and utter bliss for so long. She's my drug.

I focus my attention on her clit and she orgasms only a few seconds later, clenching me and I thrust into her once more and I lose myself, pouring everything into her, gasping for air against her breasts.

Ana's head is resting on mine as she caresses my face. Our breathing has calmed down and I look up at her.

"It's always so amazing with you baby, where have you been all my life?" I look at her, she feels too good to be true.

"Waiting for you." She says with a smile. "If you think about it, I did most of the work. For god's sake I took job at GEH and your lazy ass took forever." She giggles and I give her a quick kiss. She's so on point. "By the way, I just realized something."

"What baby?"

"I had six orgasms today and I'm still alive." She laughs out loud and I join her... we lose it, delirious almost till there are tears in our eyes.

I wipe the tears from her face, "Ana, I can't ever imagine my life without you now... " I kiss her soft lips. She deepens the kiss and pulls my hair and moans into my mouth.

"Then don't. Just love me and trust me and confide in me. Even in times when things are difficult and Christian they will be, everyone goes through ups and down, just have faith in what we are and what we can be together." She says holding my gaze. I nod back and close my eyes and bury my face in her neck and breathe.

"Let's go to bed Mr. Grey, it's way past our bedtime." She giggles.

* * *

_Saturday, December 14__th__, 2019._

**CPOV**

"The tree needs to speak to me." Ana says in all seriousness. I roll my eyes.

"Did you just roll your eyes at me Mr. Grey?"

"Yes. Please hurry up, it's freezing."

"Tough, you should've worn a real coat." She scolds me and laughs.

We finally find a tree, at one point I thought we'd have to hunting for it in the woods.

On our way back to Escala, Ana's phone beeps, she checks to see and it's a text from Kate.

"Kate and Elliot want to hang out for dinner tonight, I'm going to ask them to come over to Escala instead. Is that okay?" Ana asks.

"Do we have to see them? I want to spend as much time with you before I leave tomorrow..." I know I sound like a whiny child.

"Christian, it will just be for a couple of hours. Come on, it will be fun, we haven't hung out in a while, I miss them too."

"Okay baby, invite them. I'm warning you though; you're not getting any sleep tonight. I need my fill of you."

"God, again? I'm going to have to sign up for cardio classes now to keep up with you." She laughs.

We get back home and I help Ana decorate the tree. I remember when Grace would force us to all get together and do it when were little and I'd hate it but here with Ana, it's everything that I never knew it could be.

Once we're done Ana heads over to the kitchen to prepare dinner even though I told her we could just order in but she insists on making something. I go into the office to get some work done.

...

We're sitting at the dining table talking about what to do over Christmas and again that unfamiliar feeling creeps in. It's not uncomfortable but last year I would have never guessed that I'd be sitting at my dining table with my girlfriend who cooked an amazing meal for my brother and his girlfriend... I missed out on so much. We all gather the dishes and head over to the kitchen and Ana asks us to sit on the bar stools while she gets dessert ready.

"Steele, did you hear about Tiffany and Trevor?" Kate asks.

"No, what happened?" Ana asks as she readies the ramekins for her signature chocopot dessert to bake in the oven.

"One of Trevor's fuck buddies from his past showed up with his child at their front door... and get this, he knew about it and didn't tell Tiff."

Ana looks at Kate and rolls her eyes. "I told you he was shady motherfucker."

"Yeah but..."

"Please tell me Tiffany is going to leave his ass and take everything? I know they've only been married for a few months so she can get out unscathed."

"No, she wants to give it a try."

Elliot and I look at each other, slightly amused.

"Whatever, her life, but if I were her, I'd have him murdered." Ana shrugs and walks to the oven to place the tray of desserts in to bake. She sets the timer and walks back.

"Damn, Steele... what about giving the guy a second chance?" Elliot asks laughing but Ana's not having it.

"Uhhhh, let me lay this out for you, Dearest Elliot. If say, your brother here, knew of an illegitimate child but chose not to disclose that information with me and got me to marry him or even remain in a committed relationship and then said child with his/her mother showed up... you best believe, I would burn the house down with him in it... because, forgiveness is absolute bullshit. It doesn't change what you did. It's just a constant power struggle in the relationship after that because it can never be the same again, you'll always wonder. It's just facilitating that liar's journey to inner peace and you know what... that's not my job. You fucked up... you deal with the consequences cause I'm excluding myself from the narrative. BYE. "she raises her hand and waves, further reiterating her point." Lying is non-negotiable. If Kate had done something like that, would you so easily consider giving her a second chance? I highly doubt it."

Elliot looks at me wide-eyed and I feel my balls shrink to the size of raisins. I have never seen this side to her and I am so in a word... concerned, for my wellbeing.

"I would like to think so." He says with a small voice.

"Hmm, interesting, that very well may be... but I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it is one's responsibility to tell their significant other about elements of their past especially when said elements could have a direct and possibly catastrophic impact on their partners present. Otherwise, it's just lies and betrayal waiting to catch up to you. And that shit, when it rains... ain't cute."

"Okay got it, not going to break Kate's heart ever..." Elliot nods.

"That's right you promiscuous little tart, you hurt my friend and they won't ever find your body." She says with all seriousness and piercing blue eyes, then immediately bursts out laughing with Kate.

It takes Elliot and I both a second to recover from the fear and join. "Yo Dorothy, we better not fuck up this shit."

I am in so much fucking shit.

* * *

_Sunday, December 15th, 2019._

I barely slept last night. I just lay awake and stared at the ceiling. I need to tell her but not like this. Not when I'm about to leave. I've yelled at 3 different people since this morning. It's not a good time to be my employee. The Tokyo office is a mess, my personal life is about to become a mess...

Ana's baking cookies for her Monday GEH ritual and whole penthouse smells divine. She finally told me about it and I had to act like I didn't know anything. I hear her singing in the kitchen and decide to go see her and find a sense of calm in this brewing storm.

I walk over to the kitchen and placing freshly baked cookies on a cooling tray. She's singing in hindi and she seems a lost and sad.

I put my arms around her and kiss her neck. "Hi, Mr. Grey." She smiles.

"Baby, what are you singing?"

"Oh nothing, it's just this song that came to mind. It talks about how you never get the perfect world."

"What do you mean?"

"It talks about how some people crave a mother's affection, a father's love... or the sight of their beloved... or just simply some peace of mind. That even after all the success, we all have something we're still searching for. You never get the perfect or complete world." She says wistfully.

I'm suddenly floored and it takes me several moments to recover. Kate's words come to mind, _distract her_.

"I love you." I kiss her cheek.

"I love you too... want to try some cookies?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

She gives me two cookies with a glass of milk and asks if I want lunch. I tell her I'm not all that hungry when in reality... the truth is my stomach is just in knots.

"When do you have to head out?"

"In about 2 hours." I say. It's about 3pm and we're scheduled to fly out of Sea-Tac at 6pm at the latest.

"Do you need help packing?" She asks. "Not help, but I'd like for you to keep me company Miss Steele."

"I think that can be arranged Mr. Grey." She giggles.

It only takes me 15 mins to get done packing and Ana laughs. "Guys are so lucky, you can just throw some stuff in and make it work. I have to make so many lists before I pack to go somewhere. It's unfair."

"Baby, I want you to stay at Escala, while I'm gone. It's safer here. Mrs. Jones and the security team will take care of you and you can invite Kate and Mia over and spend quality time here."

"Christian, I'll be fine. It'll be better off at my apartment. Here, I'll just be a mopey, sad ass girlfriend. This is your place, it doesn't feel like home without you here."

She doesn't feel at home here. Fuck.

"You can redecorate you know, change whatever you like."

"Oh god, chill out. Listen, I'll be safe at my apartment too. And I don't have that many plans for the week. I might meet some GEH friends for dinner during the week, still not sure. Otherwise, I just go to my pilates classes sometimes. I'll keep you and Sawyer updated, I promise."

I walk to her and pick up, she wraps her legs around me and I lead her back to the bed and lay her down.

"What do you think you're doing Mr. Grey." She giggles as I kiss her neck.

"Getting my fill of you Miss Steele, I'm going to be without you till Friday... I'm stocking up."

She laughs out loud. "Do I get a say in this?"

"That depends. Will you miss me?"

"Of course I will. How could I not?"

"What will you miss about me?"

"So many things. Your eyes and the way you look at me. Running my hands through your hair. Your lips and when the kiss me." She kisses me sweetly and suddenly climbs up on top of me and pulls me up to her, throwing her arms around my neck and continues to speak softly against my lips. "I'll miss feeling your tongue inside my mouth. I'll miss your hands all over my body, holding me gently and sometimes holding me like you'll never let me go."

I'm about to burst out of my jeans and I need to control this before I'm embarrass myself. I kiss her neck as she continues to speak, her temperature at a fever pitch now and her breathing shallow and aching for our connection.

"I'm going to miss you biting and licking my skin." I work to quickly take off her dress and do just that, making her giggle. I bite down hard and it makes her moan. I reach down to feel her and she's soaking, warm and completely ready for me. "I'm going to miss your fingers inside me." I follow her directive and she throws her head back, biting her lip and enjoying the feeling as I kiss her neck again.

"I'm going... to... miss..." she stops my hand and takes a second. She moves to unzip me and runs her hand down my boxers. I groan at the contact. I'm so close. Fuck. I need to control myself. "I'm going to miss how big and hard you are for me and how much you want to be inside me." I grab her face and kiss her hard. She lets me take over her mouth as she slowly lift herself up and takes me and we both gasp.

"Fuck Ana, you're so warm and tight... I need this." She moves slowly, taking her time as I breathe in her neck, inhaling her scent.

"I'm going to miss, how you fill me completely... how you make love to me, slow and gentle and how you fuck me, hard and fast... oh god, Christian..." she moans and it's almost my undoing.

"I'm going to miss, how it feels when you come inside of me..." hearing her say those words and I lose it. I grab her and twist so that she's under me on the bed and I hold her arms up with my fingers interlocked with hers. Her breathing is heavy, cheeks flushed with hooded eyes. Why the fuck am I leaving again?

I run m nose along hers. "Tell me baby, do you like it when my cock is inside your tight pussy? Do you love it when I fuck you?"

"Yes... please...I...I... need you." She begs.

"I couldn't hear that baby, how do you want me to fuck you?" God, I need this. I need her.

She grabs my face and bites my lip and speaks. "I need you to shut up and fuck me right now, Christian, I need to feel your big, hard cock inside me. Just fuck me, already."

I can't help but smile and slam into her making her scream in ecstasy. I pound into her and she meets me thrust for thrust. A few more and she comes, screaming my name and it sets me off... I still and empty myself into her groaning a garbled version of her name into her neck.

I lie on top of her, panting and she giggles while I'm still inside of her and its feels painful but still amazing, as her muscles tighten around my dick again through the laughter.

"I don't want to leave at all. I'll miss you so much." I say as I shower her face with soft kisses.

"I'd keep you here but you're big shot CEO with lots of decisions to make so I understand that you have to go." She says with a little sadness.

"I should fire you and take you with me."

"I will fire you if you fire me." She sticks her tongue out.

I pull out of her and lay on her chest as she runs her hands in my hair. "Christian..." I look back up at her and she scoots down so we're face to face "Promise me you'll come back." She says with almost tears eyes.

"Of course baby, I promise I'll come back. Don't worry."

"I know, I just... you mean so much to me and you're going so far away... I just want you to come back."

"Ana, I'm going to come back to you. I'll always come back to you."

* * *

**Authors Note:** Don't hate me. PLEASE don't hate me. Are you mad at what Kate did? Tell me honestly. I think I would've done what she did. I'm not going to lie, i'm a little mad at Christian, we all know that he communicates through sex and it pissed me off to take it in the direction where he still just takes from Ana. Like I have the power to wrap this up in a bow but I wanted to be uncomfortable and figure out a way to resolve this with the discomfort. Does that make sense? No? No worries, ignore my ramblings.

**Music:**

Lava Lamp - Mree

Fourth of July - Sufjan Stevens

Take Me Home - Ingrid Michaelson

The Power of Love - Gabrielle Alpin

Koi Labda - SYMT feat. Sanam Marvi - song that Ana sings while making cookies and translates for Christian.


	17. Chapter 17

Holy moly. What a response to the last chapter. Thank you for each and every single one of you who took the time to out to leave a review and actually write out their thoughts. I'm overwhelmed by the response.

* * *

Chapter 16 - How deep is your love?

_Sunday, December 15__th__, 2019._

**CPOV:**

We take off with a slight delay but Stephan assures me we'll more than make up for it on the way. I hated saying goodbye to Ana but she smiled and kissed me sweetly putting on a brave face.

"_Here, some cookies for you all. Please share them with Stephan, Nicole and Taylor. Don't eat them all yourself." She giggles._

"_Do I have to?" I laugh._

"_Yes, you do. I'll text and confirm with Taylor so you better watch yourself." She winks._

We've been up in the air for about 3 hours now. I sit in the dark, and look out the window. The sky is pitch black and the stars shine bright and close. Like, I could reach up and pick them. I've got a shit ton of work to do but I can't focus. Ana has consumed my mind, body and soul. The words she said back in Big Sur come back to me.

"_If I had to go through all of this again just to have you for this one weekend, I'd do it a million times over, Christian."_

She'd be willing to go through all that for me again. She's been through so much and here I am, with my so called trauma that pales in comparison. I lack the fucking spine to tell her the truth about what a sick fuck I am, because I'm a selfish asshole.

I listen to the playlist Kate shared. A song comes on and it mirrors what I see outside, as if the dark sky could sing...

_And in the end  
You begin again  
It's the way of all things_

_Your body's like a wishing well of a million diamonds  
Her bones to dust bursting into a million diamonds_

_And you'll carry on  
Cause in the end  
It's the way of all things_

_It will be beautiful_

She came back from everything, from being crushed and she's still so beautiful. She's still the brightest light.

Monday, December 16th, 2019.

**APOV**

I woke up to a text from Christian telling me that he arrived in Tokyo safely. I texted him back and he immediately called me telling me it was almost midnight there and he didn't want to go to sleep without seeing me. Who knew Mr. Billionaire was such a sap.

He asked me to record a memo of myself singing a song and send it to him everyday that he was away. And so I last night I sat in this humongous bathroom and recorded 3 songs. After we ended the call, I sent him the first one, which happens to be his favorite.

_You lift my heart up  
When the rest of me is down  
You, you enchant me  
Even when you're not around  
If there are boundries  
I will try to knock them down  
I'm latching on, babe  
Now I know what I have found._

_..._

Lunch time rolls around and I distribute all the cookies to their respective winners. The thrill of receiving 30 emails in the span of 5 minutes every Monday morning after my email announcement, each clamoring for their chance to win a box is the most entertaining part of my week.

Once, I give the last box away, I head on over to sit with my GEH crew.

"Your tacos are cold as shit now." Jose says in mock disgust.

"It's okay, I'll still eat them. I never say no to food." I shrug.

"Yeah, you only say no to dick and you're not even a lesbian. Something is seriously wrong witchu girl." Jose shakes his head.

Val and I cackle. Little does Jose know.

Samantha from real estate joins us, "Mr. Grey isn't in so you know what that means... we can all breathe easy." Christian has been on real estate's ass to get the Lot 43 deal closed.

"It's going to be a sad week, I need my eye-candy fix." Val whines.

"Me, too girl. I need to see those fine buns to get me through the week." Jose adds.

I roll my eyes and Jose almost smacks me.

"I'm telling you there is something wrong with this one..." Jose will not let this go.

Except there is nothing wrong with me, I mean I am a little sore but it feels good. Because it's a result of being the man I love who loves me fiercely. I start to feel a flash of memories from that morning come through but I push them away. No. It is not the same. Christian loves me and he makes love to me. Even when we fuck, he loves me. He would never hurt me like that. He worshipped me on Friday night. God, I thought I was going to die. He made me come by just speaking against my skin, feeling his hot breath as his lips would lightly graze my skin every now and then. He made so many promises. He made me hold on to the headboard, close my eyes and he revered my body, making me come so hard I thought I saw stars.

"_You're mine, Ana."_

"_I'm never going to let you go."_

"_I'll always love you."_

"_I can't get enough of you."_

"_You mean everything to me."_

"_You taste divine."_

_"We're meant to be."_

At one point, he held my body against his, my back to his chest as I slowly rode him. Achingly slow. I didn't recognize the sounds coming out of my own mouth as he continued to tell me how much he needed me. God he has the stamina of a god. I'm in so much trouble.

"EARTH TO ASEXUAL STEELE." I am suddenly brought out of my sex haze of a daydream with Jose's fingers snapping in front of my face as he angry whispers.

"Sorry... I zoned out for a bit." I mumble.

"Yeah, I know. RUDE!" He scolds me and I can't help but laugh. "Thursday... it's Diva's karaoke night at the Secret Garden. We need to go."

"Oh I'll be there. I've got my hot pink wig ready." Val claps like a child.

"Oooh, yes... I want to go. I've never been! I want to wear a wig too though" I'm suddenly so excited but I probably need to figure out the security situation with Sawyer. Think, Ana, think. "Hey, is it okay if I bring a friend?"

"Is he gay?" Jose asks... always to the point.

"Why does it matter? You're married anyway." I remind him.

"Well, if he's hot enough, Phillip has allowed me 3 get out of jail free cards. We've been married for 5 years and I've yet to use one."

"Jose, you talk a big game but we all know what a big pussy you are." I tease.

"Listen bish, you're the biggest asexual pussy here. You won't even entertain us girls with a grey fantasy and that shit is a rite of passage up in this bitch and you've been avoiding it. My patience unlike Phillip's love handles is wearing thin."

"Because, I have no interest in him." LIES, I have way too much interest in him... being inside of me. And on cue my panties are drenched.

"I don't know what the fuck to do with you. You won't even let me set you up... heck you won't even sign up for tinder for a good fuck. I'm going to have to fly out my aunty maria from san juan to give you cleanse and exorcise this virgin chastity demon that resides within you."

We all laugh and I feel a pang of guilt. I wish I could tell Jose and Val. I mean I could make them sign an NDA but I don't want to go down that route. I haven't told them anything about my family and the business or my accident. I've been painfully private and I hate it because they've told me some deeply personal things over the few months of our friendship. They've been so good to me. Jose was the first one to take me under his wing and notice my scared look on the first day at legal.

* * *

_FLASHBACK_

_You can do this Ana. Just breathe and smile. I get my orientation from Ali and she shows me where everything is. I excuse myself to go to the ladies room to calm myself and call Kate for a quick minute. _

_I leave the bathroom and walk back to my desk that is hidden from view thank god, only to find an impeccably well dressed Hispanic man waiting._

"_You're new."_

"_Um.. yeah. Hi, I'm Anastasia. I was just hired as a second assistant to Mr. Travis." I hold out my hand and he takes it._

"_Solid handshake. So Anastasia, what brings you to Grey Enterprises?" I am trying to assess if he's a threat but I see a wedding band, still men can be scum._

"_Well, the need to pay bills and student loans. Are you going to introduce yourself or just interrogate me?" Fuck, I sound like a bitch. Calm down, Steele._

"_Damn, you've got fire. I like you. I'm Jose and don't worry, I'm gay. I'm only interested in your shoes which by the way... solid choice for a first day. Not many girls here can work my pal Loubi... so I've decided, I'm taking you under my wing. You're having lunch with me and my hag from Acquisitions... her name is Val. You'll like her." He says in all seriousness and I break out into a smile._

"_Okay, yeah sure. By the way, call me Ana and thanks. See you at lunch!"_

"_Meet me by the elevators at 1:00pm. " He winks at me and walks away._

_END FLASHBACK_

* * *

"Hi baby" Christian smiles and I melt.

"Hi Mr. Grey, I hope it's not too bad of a time to talk. I'll only take five minutes of your time."

"Baby, you can talk for as long as you like."

I can't help but giggle. "No it's okay, just want to run something by you."

"Sure, what's up?"

"Thursday, three GEH friends of mine and I are going to a gay bar called The Secret Garden for karaoke night and I want to take Sawyer as a friend or cousin, like yes he'll still be on duty but just in normal clothes. That way, he won't look out of place and it won't raise any suspicions."

"Ana, just tell them he's been assigned by your family."

"I haven't told them about my family."

"Why?" He asks confused.

"Because, I would have to make them sign an NDA and I don't want to do that. I haven't told them anything about myself in that way. They think I'm single and I'm from Montesano and my mom lives in San Francisco with her family. They don't know about the money or anything. I don't want to shove an NDA down their throats."

He takes a few moments to think it over.

"Okay, I'll let Sawyer know and you can tell me all the details."

"YAY, thank you... I love you." I smile at him and blow him a kiss.

He chuckles. "I love you too baby. I expect pictures and videos from this so called hangout."

"Oh definitely, I'll be wearing a hot pink wig." I laugh out loud.

"This I have to see." He smirks.

* * *

_Wednesday, December 17th, 2019_

EL: Christian, it's been forever. Remember the new prospects I mentioned? When would you like to meet them?

CG: Not interested in the moment. Priorities have changed.

EL: This is so unlike you. It's been almost 4 months now. You need to de-stress.

CG: I know what I need better than you do. Drop it.

EL: Christian, darling. If need be, I can personally help.

CG: Elena, take a fucking hint.

The thought of Elena subbing for me makes me want to retch. Fuck, I need to tell Ana. Two more days till I'm back in Seattle and I can get this out in the open. Thankfully Welch was able to trace the leak and figure out who was talking to the press. Of course it was fucking Susannah. I had Sawyer put the fear of God into for violating the NDA her and retract her statements. She begged Sawyer to let her talk to me and take me back as a sub. Pathetic. I'm safe for now, until the next sub decides to open her fucking mouth.

I told Welch to get me a progress report on what all the subs are up to at this time. I cannot afford to have another fuck up like this.

The Tokyo office is a mess; they couldn't handle one local acquisition on their own and let one of the factories run amok with a strike. It's like they need constant hand holding, I have half a mind to fire all top management and relocate some of the New York and Seattle team here.

It's been hard sleeping. I don't sleep well without her, hearing recordings of her singing and watching her videos before going to bed at night help sometimes but I need her. It's almost ridiculous. She sent me a new memo and hearing her was like a balm to the soul.

_I believe in you  
You know the door to my very soul  
You're the light in my deepest darkest hour  
You're my savior when I fall_

_And you may not think that I care for you  
Well, you know down inside that I really do_

_And it's me you need to show_

_How deep is your love, is your love  
How deep is your love, I really need to learn  
'Cause we're livin' in a world of fools, breakin' us down  
They should all just let us be, we belong to you and me_

...

CG: Baby, how was your day?

AS: Very good Mr. Grey, all is quiet here, we don't have the boss yelling at us these days, haha.

CG: I miss that smart mouth.

AS: And it misses you! When do you land in Seattle?

CG: I get in around 7pm on Friday. Meet me at Escala?

AS: Yaay! Okay, I can't wait. Counting the days.

CG: You're all mine this weekend. The outside world will have to wait.

AS: All yours, xo.

_Thursday, December 19__th__, 2019_

**CPOV**

By the time I get back to my hotel room, I'm beat but I want to see Ana. I take a quick shower but by the time I'm done, I've already gotten a message from her.

AS: Good morning from Seattle. I hope you aren't working too hard and had some dinner. Wanted to send you another memo, as you asked. I have to head into work early today to prep for a 9:30 meeting :( but I love you. Sleep well.

_Storm's coming up on the horizon  
Batten the hatches, keep yourself from harm  
But if those northern winds are too strong  
And all the world come crashing in  
Here's where we begin_

_Taken for granted, now you're all alone  
You believed in someone who let you down  
It seems like the end but it's not over  
You've shunned the new day, won't let it in  
Here's where we begin_

_I'll come running for you  
Your whole world's turned upside down  
But my love, it will keep you  
On solid ground_

_I'll come running for you  
I'll be the friend you need  
I'll come running_

My girl. God I need to get back home already.

...

**APOV**

"Luke, thank you SO MUCH for agreeing to this."

Luke lets out a chuckle. "Only for you Ana. I can't believe you got the boss to agree to this."

"Oh well, I have my ways." I smirk and he laughs.

Luke aka Sawyer and I have become friends. He tried his best to fight it but I broke him down. As soon as he found out that Ray was ex-army I guess he thought I was okay too. He still acts incredibly professional in front of Christian and rightly so but I've told him to chill the fuck out when it's just us.

"Have you ever been to the Secret Garden?" I ask. "I have been a few times with an ex."

"Oh, well I hope it won't bring up any bad memories." Fuck, I hope not.

"Nah... it was a long time ago. I'm good to go."

"Okay so, you're going to be my cousin who just moved here for a job opportunity in security and for god's sake lose the tie, you're not going to a funeral. Open up the top two buttons and look casual... look like you're related to me, please."

We both laugh. "Steele, you've really though this through haven't you?"

"Yeah, I even have your whole backstory and a couple of childhood memories full scripted."

"God. I'm just going to stay quiet for the entire night."

"Unless you meet a cute guy."

"I can't, I'm working remember."

"Okay fine... but fair warning, my friend Jose is... well... hyper. He's married but it doesn't stop him from objectifying every living breathing human being. It's all talk though, he's otherwise harmless."

"Great, this is gonna be just great."

We get to Secret Garden and find Jose, his husband Phillip with Val and Samantha. Jose practically screams when he sees Luke but I stop him in mid approach and give him a stare.

"How is a gorgeous specimen like you related to this asexual being?" Jose asks with zero preamble.

I see Luke slowly die of embarrassment.

"O-M-G, you're a shy guy? Honey, look, he's shy. We need to set him up. Don't worry Luke, I have a database."

"J, honey, let it go. Let's just have some fun tonight. Stop trying to set everyone up." Phillip tries to calm Jose down from his self created ledge of impending doom at the fact that single people are in his midst. Jose grunts and heads out to get a drink.

Luke looks at me and shakes his head. It's going to be a long night.

**CPOV**

I'm in the middle of the most boring meeting of my life when I get a bunch of texts from Ana and a security update from Sawyer letting me know that Ana is home safe and her meeting with friends went smoothly.

AS: Hi honey, I'm home and safe. Haha. Had tons of fun. Here are some silly pictures and videos. My friends and I are crazy so don't judge. I love you and I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

I decide to watch the video later on after the meeting is over but I open the pictures and Ana looks adorable in different colored wigs and face glitter. She looks every bit the young carefree girl she's meant to be. I can't help but smile. Once the meeting is over, I watch the video and it's of her and her friend Jose performing a song in the most over the top and outrageous manner, taking me back to watching her at the wedding.

_Yeah, my receipts, be lookin' like phone numbers  
If it ain't money, then wrong number  
Black card is my business card  
The way it be settin' the tone for me  
I don't mean to brag, but I be like, "Put it in the bag, " yeah  
When you see them racks, they stacked up like my ass, yeah  
Shoot, go from the store to the booth  
Make it all back in one loop, give me the loot  
Never mind, I got the juice  
Nothing but net when we shoot  
Look at my neck, look at my jet  
Ain't got enough money to pay me respect  
Ain't no budget when I'm on the set  
If I like it, then that's what I get, yeah_

God, I am so in love with this girl.

* * *

_Friday, December 20th, 2019._

**CPOV**

Stephan let's us know we're about to begin our final descent into Sea –Tac. Thank fuck. It feels like forever since I've been away. The anticipation is killing me. I can't wait to see Ana and hold her. I need her so badly. It's around 6:30pm when we land, thankfully we have Charlie Tango on standby at Sea-Tac as well to beat the rush hour traffic. I'm not in the mood to sit in idle or barely moving traffic when I can be home within 10 minutes and Ana's arms.

Taylor and Ryan load our bags into Charlie Tango. I greet Joe and he signals the control tower that we're ready to take off. As soon as we get the go ahead, we're on our way. Nothing beats seeing the skyline, this close up in Charlie Tango. I can't wait to take Ana up and show her Mt. Rainier. There's so much I want to show her. It needs to be warmer already.

We land on the Escala helipad and make our way to the elevators. I tell Taylor, I'll take my bag and ask him to retire for the night. The elevators open into the penthouse and I'm met with warm and grand music. It's the Phantom of the Opera. I walk slowly towards the kitchen and I hear Gail and Ana singing "All I Ask of You". Ana is helping her prepare dinner and they laugh as the music swells. Gail has beautiful voice as well, I never knew. Ana's voice sounds light and angelic, full of happiness.

_Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;  
Say the word and I will follow you.  
Share each day with me,  
Each night, each morning.  
Say you love me!  
You know I do.  
Love me, that's all I ask of you_

_Anywhere you go let me go too_

_Love me, that's all I ask of you._

"Mrs. Jones, let's ditch these men and go on tour together." Ana laughs and Gail joins her.

I clear my throat "I see how it is, I leave for a few days and I'm tossed aside liked chopped liver." I say with mock jealously.

Ana whips around and beams at me. "CHRISTIAN!" she runs up to me and throws her arms around my neck to kiss me. I lift her and give her a crushing hug, inhaling her scent. I'm home now. I never want to let go. She breaks away from me, out of breath. "I'm so happy you're home. I missed you so much." She looks up at me smiling with those beautiful blue eyes, almost tearing up. I see Gail has disappeared to give us a moment to ourselves.

I hold her face and kiss her again. "I missed you more baby, you're a sight for sore eyes."

"Dinner is almost ready, let's get you freshened up, Mr. Grey and then you can relax and tell me all about Tokyo." She smiles and takes my hand as we walk to the bedroom. She takes out my clothes as sets them out for me.

She goes to get me a towel and turns to walk out but I pull her to me and I walk her back to the counter and lift her up. "I need you, I can't wait, it's been forever." I pant against her lips as I unzip myself. She lifts the hem of her dress and pulls me in close as I help her take it off and rip her panties. "I'm all yours, Mr. Grey." She says seductively. Fuck, I don't know if I'll last.

I enter her and we both moan into each other, she needs me too. She locks her legs around me tightly as she leans back, supporting herself on the counter with one hand, with the other around my neck as I kiss and bite her neck. Her moans are loud as she urges me "Again, Christian, please". I push into her faster and I feel her tense and growl "come for me baby, I need you." I move one hand to massage her clit and latch my mouth onto one of her breasts, biting and sucking her. She lets go and screams my name, her head thrown back, desperately trying to catch her breath. I feel myself tense and groan my release into her breasts "fuckkk, yes baby... god, I needed you so bad."

We're holding each other, trying to catch our breaths. Ana looks to me and cocks her head to one side smiling "Welcome home Mr. Grey, I guess you really did miss me." I smile at her "baby you have no idea, I'm going to take advantage of you all weekend." She giggles "bring it on Mr. Grey."

We take a shower and continue to kiss and wash each other. I can't stop staring at her and don't want to let her go. Once we get done, we dry off and change into fresh clothes. We walk out and go to sit at the kitchen and Gail serves us dinner. She retires for the weekend and Ana and I catch up. Gail has made Ana's favorite, although she has many favorites she tells me this is on the top 5. Spaghetti Bolognese with garlic bread. She tells me she can't wait to go to Italy and eat all the pasta she can find giggling like a child, I've missed that sound. Once we're done with dinner, we put away the dishes and she makes herself some tea while I pour myself another glass of wine and we sit back on the bar stools, legs tangled together.

"I got some pictures of us from the wedding by the way." She tells me with excitement and proceeds to show me pictures of us. They're amazing. Ana and I dancing on the wedding as I twirl her, another as I dip her at the end. Then two from the Sangeet, one where we're both leaning in to each other smiling and another where she holds up her teacup to me as I take a sip of the Kashmiri tea. I love how these meaningful moments were captured. Forever, just for us. "These are beautiful baby, I'm so glad we have pictures of us." I smile at her as I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "I know... the beginning of us." She traces my lip with her finger. "I'm so happy, this photographer is amazing and she's based in Seattle, I'm going to refer her to everyone, she caught moments that I'd never have thought of." She looks back at me again. I hold her face and kiss her. "I've missed your lips and your skin, I can't wait to lose myself inside of you." I whisper. She looks back me in a daze. "Hmm, let me finish my tea and then I'm all yours, Mr. Grey."

We talk a bit more and she suddenly remembers something. "I totally forgot, I made us dessert."

"I thought I was having you for dessert."

"Nice try, Mr. Grey... but follow me." She leads me around the counter towards the fridge and asks me to get out two plates and cutlery.

"I made cheesecake, it's a slightly different recipe and unbaked but this was like a staple when Kate and I were in college and I wanted to share the tradition with you."

"I'm honored Miss Steele. What tradition warranted a cheesecake?"

"Oh, whenever Kate was about to break up with someone, she'd let me know before hand and then I'd make this and when she'd come up after breaking whatever poor guys heart, we'd sit around and eat cheesecake and analyze her short-lived relationship and talk about life in general, like the Golden Girls."

"Are you breaking up with me?" I ask in a slight panic. Fuck I need to tell her already.

"Oh god no, I would make this for other occasions too. I mean, I want to just make something for you. Sorry... didn't mean to cast a dark shadow." She kisses my cheek.

"Okay... thanks baby. I love that you made this for me and as for Kate she better not break Elliot's heart. The guy is a goner."

"Oh no, she won't. I mean, I've never seen her this smitten... ever. Those two hoes are meant for each other. Kate was Elliot at one point but then she changed and started to focus more on working, Elliot is like her first serious boyfriend in... years."

"Interesting. I mean, I can tell that Kate is very self-aware but I wouldn't have guessed that."

"Yeah, life throws you a punch and you take a step back and learn to reassess stuff... anyway, how do you like it? It's okay if you don't. It's very rich and not everyone's cup of tea."

"I love it Ana. Yes it is very rich, but it's delicious."

She gives me a quick kiss. "You know, I always wanted this."

"What baby?"

"This. Sitting on the kitchen counter and eating fatty foods with someone I love." She smiles.

"Simple things?"

"Yeah, stuff like this, just watching tv together, making out on the couch like teenagers."

"You never made out with anyone?" I ask, hoping the answer is no.

"Nope. No one every noticed me in high school. So I was like, when I grow up... I'll do xyz" She laughs but I can sense her sadness.

"What about you, you probably had a kissing booth in high school. All the girls, wanting to get a makeout seesion with 'The Christian Grey'."

I snort. "I had no interest in that shit." _Yeah cause you were fucking a married woman who taught you that affection was overrated._

"Wait a second, with a face like that and..." She waves her hands up and down "god gifted equipment, you denied the masses?"

"I'm sorry, did you just refer to my nether regions as equipment Miss Steele?" I feign shock.

She giggles and it turns in to full blown laughter. "I...I ... I'm so sorry Mr. Grey, I totally meant it as a compliment..." she can't stop laughing and I join her too and kiss her forehead.

"Baby, this equipment is gong to have a field day with you."

"Bring it on, Grey. I've done my stretches" She winks and gives me a quick kiss.

We continue to talk for a bit and suddenly I hear the elevator ping. Who the fuck could it be at this time? Ana jumps of the counter and we walk around the kitchen island and my heart drops into my stomach.

FUCK.

I see Elena with a young brunette walk in. She clocks me and walks straight at me. Ana looks at me confused and looks back at Elena with the young brunette. Fuck me. I completely forgot to change her code for the elevator.

"Elena, what the fuck is this?"

"Christian, darling, is that how you greet an old friend?" She looks to Ana. "You already have a new submissive? You should've just told me, I wouldn't have gone to the trouble of bringing you a new prospective, are you using a different agency? Honestly, I'm offended."

"Elena, this is my girlfriend, Anastasia, we met a couple of weeks ago at the Wetherington wedding. I told you I was no longer interested, can't you take a fucking hint?" I say with finality, trying to send her the message to back the fuck down and walk away.

Elena raises her eyebrows and looks Ana up and down. "Girlfriend?" She laughs out loud. God, I have always hated that fake ass display of hers. "I'm sorry, this is a joke right, this is most definitely a scene because you don't do the girlfriend thing. Christian Grey, you are losing your edge. I taught you better. I mean she's alright I guess..."

"Fuck off Elena, get the fuck out of here I mean it." I'm seething and this bitch won't get the message. I see Ana take a step back with tears in her eyes. Fuck, fuck, this is not how she was supposed to find out.

"Christian, what the hell is this?" She asks, her voice wavering. "Baby, I'll explain everything. Elena, LEAVE."

Elena takes the manila folder from the prospective submissive who has her eyes cast down. She throws it to the counter beside Ana. "Here, keep this for when you get bored of her."

"ELENA, GET OUT BEFORE I DRAG YOU BY YOUR HAIR AND THROW YOU OUT." I scream at her and I can finally see the fear in her eyes. She drags the submissive by the arms and walks towards the elevator. I try to get my breathing under control.

Shit. Ana. I look towards her and her eyes are cast down. She's deathly quiet and I can see tears falling from her eyes. She turns around to pick up the manila envelope. Fuck, no.

"Baby, please listen to me, I can explain. Forget that envelope." I plead as I reach out to touch her.

"Don't you dare touch me." She says with a calm and chilling voice as she proceeds to open the envelope. It's a copy of the submissive's personal information, and her signed contract with all her hard and soft limits, FUCK. Ana reads through it for what seems like an eternity and her hands flies to her mouth and she lets out a stifled sob.

"What the hell is this Christian? Is this a joke? What the fuck is a playroom? I need an explanation." Ana looks to me with disgust as she shivers.

"Baby, I've been meaning to tell you but I just never found the right moment." I stammer Fuck this is difficult.

"Well the moment found you, SO. FUCKING. TELL. ME." She yells at me.

I tell her about how Elena roped me into the lifestyle at 15 and that when I stopped being her submissive and ventured out on my own and became successful in business, I started having submissives of my own and that this is what I meant by having private contractual sexual relationships.

She asks me about the contract and all the soft limit and hard limit stuff. I tell her about the playroom and how the whole arrangement works and she demands to see it. I reluctantly take her upstairs and show her the sub's room where they stay for the weekend and then I walk her towards the door of the playroom. Every fiber of my being is telling me to run and not open it but it's now or never. I open the door and she walks in as the lights come on.

She's not crying anymore. She's just lost. She walks around the room in a daze. Eyes wide open, looking all around.

"This is what you do to women, you hurt them?" I hear the fear in her voice.

"No baby, it's not all about pain, it's also about pleasure too. I know this looks scary but I promise you it's not." I try to reason with her but I'm lying to the both of us. I know it.

"How many women have been here?"

"17." Fuck. She's going to run.

Her eyes fall to the ground. "Did you wanted this for me? Was I supposed to be number 18?" She asks in the smallest voice.

"Initially yes, when I met you at GEH but then when I saw you that Friday at the wedding, you blew me away. The idea of an arrangement like this with you seemed so unnatural. When I kissed you and we spent that night together, my life changed Ana. You have to believe me."

"You wanted to hurt me?" She looks up to me with eyes wide open. No longer crying. "You wanted to do all of this to me? I was going to be number 18? What did I do to deserve that?" She asks in the smallest voice like a child.

I reach out to her and she recoils and takes a few steps back.

"Why do you hate me so much? What have I ever done to you?" She starts to shake her head in confusion. "You hurt them and then they wake up and don't remember anything. They are in so much pain. They cry. They are in so much pain." She rambles on and on. FUCK, is this what Kate meant by her state? She makes her way out of the room, walking aimlessly and rambling on. I rush behind her, closing the door.

"They wake up and they are bleeding. They are in so much pain. They cry and cry. They are so hurt." She continues to say as she walks. Her voice is so small and broken.

She makes her way slowly down the stairs and walks towards the couches and sits down. I follow her and kneel in front of her. Her eyes are vacant. She stares straight ahead.

"Ana baby, Ana look at me." She doesn't respond. She doesn't move. I hold her hand and she doesn't respond. She's just lifeless, staring into space.

"Fuck. No, Ana, no. Please come back to me." I pull my phone out and call Kate.

(to be continued...)

* * *

**Authors Note: **And so, the drama begins. Any guesses what will happen next?

**Music:**

In the End - Vanessa Carlton

Latch - Daniela Andrade

How Deep is Your Love - The Bird and the Bee.

Here's Where We Begin - Josha Radin

7 Rings - Ariana Grande

All I Ask of You - Emmy Rossum & Patrick Wilson OST Phantom of the Opera.


	18. Chapter 18

DANG. I have to say... I love the power of a cliffhanger and I loved all your responses. For those of you who left reviews and private messages, you da bomb dot com.

gowildcats: your reactions _s l a y_ me.

lelev: yes the lemons will be in short supply for the next few chapters but this will be a chance for emotional growth. which is what Christian is in dire need of.

maureen: I gotchu girl, i gotchu. here's another update.

Ready, set, read... and review!

* * *

Chapter 17 – In the hush, remember us.

_Friday, December 20th, 2019_

**CPOV**

"Fuck. No, Ana, no. Please come back to me." I pull my phone out and call Kate.

She picks up on the third ring, thank god. "Kate, I need you. It's Ana, she... she's... gone into a trance. I don't know what to do?"

"What do you mean, what happened?" I can hear the fear and panic in her voice. "Kate it's a long story, I shared some information with her. We are at Escala, please get here quickly."

"I'll be there in 10."

I look at Ana and continue to try and talk to her. She doesn't respond. She just blinks and looks straight ahead. I hold her hand and bring to my cheek as tears fall from my eyes, I apologize profusely and she remains the same. She's completely lost inside somewhere and I can't bring her out. _Please come back, baby._

It feels like an age as I sit and look at her. Studying her face, caressing it but she looks so broken. I can barely hear her breathing. I can't believe did this to her. I didn't protect her.

I hear the elevator doors open and Kate and Elliot come rushing out. Kate is in tears.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER CHRISTIAN?" Kate yells at me. "GET AWAY FROM HER."

I move back and she runs and kneels in front of Ana. She takes Ana's face in her hands and looks her directly in the eye.

I look at Elliot and I can see the panic in his eyes as he looks at me with confusion. "Bro, what happened?" I look back at him with shame. "I can't explain right now Elliot, we need to get Ana back first."

"Ana baby, look at me, it's Kate. Steele and Kavanagh forever, remember?" Kate talks to her affectionately as she holds he face. Ana doesn't respond.

"Babygirl, do you want pancakes, that will make you feel better. Remember how Ray likes to eat pancakes and suddenly the world is a better place?" Ana still doesn't respond.

"Ray is going to be home soon, let's go make some tea." Kate tries again, sobbing uncontrollably. Still nothing.

"Ana please come back to me, look, Ray called me. He told me he was so proud of you, you're his girl of Steele." Kate tries again, rubbing her shoulders, Kate is sobbing now. She looks to Elliot and sobs "It's never been this bad before."

Fuck, this is painful to watch. Elliot rubs my shoulder and my tears just run down my cheeks.

She quickly pulls her phone from her back pocket and scrolls through it and presses play. Suddenly a man's voice blares through.

"There's my girl of Steele, Annie I'm so proud of you, I knew you could do it. You did such a great job."

"Thanks dad. Can we go get ice-cream now?" Ana's child like voice giggles in the recording. "Anything for you, Luna." Ray laughs back.

Suddenly Ana shivers and blinks. She whispers "Daddy?" blinks a couple of more times and then starts to scream loudly. "DADDY... DADDYYYYYY.. DADDYYYY" Kate tries holding her as Ana wails and screams at the top of her lungs. She tries to fight Kate with all her might and it's fucking painful to watch and hear. Her screams pierce through everything.

"LET ME GO, I NEED MY DAD. DADDYYYYYYY" She screams and screams as Kate tries to control her. I try to help.

"NO, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER, GREY." Kate screams at me crying. I retreat.

Suddenly Ana starts to convulse and shivers as her eyes go back into her head. Fuck, she's having a seizure.

"Elliot call 911 and give me the phone." Kate barks through her tears as she tries to lay Ana down on the sofa, her seizure waning.

"Hi, Yes, my friend, female, mid 20's went into a trance but came out of it and then had a seizure. We need an ambulance. She has a history of severe PTSD and suicidal attempts. My address is 1920 4th Ave, 31st floor. Please hurry."

As Kate finishes the call, I see Taylor, Sawyer and Gail standing in the foyer."How can we help sir?" Taylor asks.

"No one touches her." Kate yells. "The ambulance is coming and they will take her. Elliot, please call your mom and tell her what happened." Kate looks back at Ana as she lays lifeless. She cries and kisses her forehead and ties to make her comfortable.

"Sir, I'll go downstairs to make sure the paramedics get up here with no issues." Sawyer offers. Gail and Taylor retreat and I see the worry in their eyes.

Elliot calls mom and tells her what happened. He hangs up and takes me to the side. "Christian, what happened? Tell me bro."

I look down. "Elliot, it's a lot to take in. I promise to tell you just not now. I swear I didn't hurt Ana, I just told her some things about myself and she reacted this way. I just want her to get better." My voice is almost a sob.

He pulls me in for a hug. "Okay, we'll talk later. Let's just get her to the hospital and back to herself."

The paramedics show up and take Ana in a stretcher; she looks so small and broken. Kate rides with her while Sawyer takes Elliot and I in the SUV.

I get Ana a private room in the VIP wing of Seattle-Mason and Elliot lets mom know which hospital we're in. As we wait in the waiting room, Kate comes at me and whispers her seething interrogation.

"What the fuck happened Christian? What did you do to her?" she's shivering with rage and trying her best not to cry.

I tell her and Elliot about how Elena came in with a submissive and the exchange we had and about the BDSM lifestyle, how I got into it. I tell them about the room and Ana's reaction to seeing it all.

Kate closes her eyes and starts to cry. Elliot holds her. She breaks away from his embrace and grabs the lapels of my jacket "You sick son of a bitch, I gave you an out and you still waited. You have broken her, I told you I cannot lose her and you still couldn't get your shit together to tell her yourself. I'm going to kill you" Elliot pulls her away and hugs her as she cries into his chest; I continue to look down in shame. Mom shows up after a bit and asks Kate what happened. She doesn't tell her much except for what happened when she got to Escala. Mom goes to confer with the doctor assigned to Ana. She returns after a while and comes and sits next to me.

"Christian, son, what happened?"

"Mom, I can't tell you without you hating me. I shared some information with Ana and she reacted badly to it." My voice is low and hoarse. She pulls me in for a hug. "Okay, we'll talk about this later."

After a while the doctor assigned to Ana, Dr. Simmons, comes by and tells us that all of her tests came out clear, she just needs rest and she will eventually wake up when her body has rested enough. The seizure tends to take a toll on the muscles. Kate says she'll stay the night and asks all of us to leave. Mom tells her she'll be back early morning and Elliot tries to get me to go back to Escala but I tell him I'll just wait in the waiting room.

"Christian, she's not going to wake up for another couple of hours. You need rest as well, you just came back from a long flight." Elliot tries to reason with me.

"Elliot, it's fine. Christian, come with me." Kate offers. Elliot looks to Kate and hugs her. "I'll back in the morning babe, let me know if you need anything." She nods and kisses him goodnight.

I follow Kate to Ana's room. Before we enter she turns to me "I know you love her but you really fucked up here. You're on a really short fucking leash till all this gets resolved." She looks at me with a piercing stare.

I swallow and silently nod.

We walk into the room and it's dark. I pull up a chair to Ana's side of the bed and hold her hand as she sleeps and I rest my head on the bed by her hand.

I don't know how much time passes but when I wake up, it's still dark outside. I look up and see Ana, wide-awake and expressionless. I hold her hand but it's lifeless. Her eyes are desolate and vacant as she stares at the window. I try to hold back tears.

She doesn't love me anymore. I've lost her. She thinks I'm a monster who will hurt her.

"I just wanted a Goa holiday and now you've taken all that away from me." She removes her hand and turns away from me to face the other-side of the bed facing Kate who is sleeping on the couch across from her.

I feel so utterly alone and it's all my fault.

* * *

_Saturday, December 21st, 2019_

It's morning when I wake up again and Ana is still facing away from me. Kate is no longer in the room. I get up to freshen my face and proceed to leave the room to get some breakfast.

Ana just lays there with the vacant stare piercing straight through the wall.

"I'm truly sorry Ana. I didn't mean to." She says nothing. I walk out.

I run into Kate in the hallway and tell her Ana is awake. "Did she say anything to you?" Kate asks.

I shake my head, unable to speak any further.

"Christian, I'm sorry about how I acted last night, I hope you can understand how scared I was. I don't think straight when it comes to her." Kate is tearing up.

"I understand Kate, don't apologize. I know I fucked up."

"This part of her recovery will be hard for you because she will be indifferent, it's like a defense mechanism. I've experienced the wrath of her indifference early on in our friendship when we had a huge fight, she's the complete opposite of the girl we love and adore. It will be painful but just stick it out. She's worth it I promise." Kate looks up at me.

I nod, I can't look her in the eye. I'm too ashamed to.

I get back to Escala and exit the elevators. I want to rip everything apart. I want to scream.

* * *

_Sunday, December 22__nd__, 2019_

After discussing logistics and the fact that Ana probably doesn't want me around that much, we all realize that it's not healthy or secure for Ana to stay in the hospital. She won't stay in Escala, she's adamantly against that right now, her own apartment is small so Grace suggests the Ana and Kate move to their place until the new year given the holidays, that way she'll be surrounded by loved ones and Grace can keep an eye on her. Mia is on her way back from her trip to New York, she couldn't find a flight so I arranged to get her a seat on a charter flight, I want Ana to be surrounded by people that make her feel safe. Mia will be here by Monday morning.

I walk into the waiting room where Elliot, Grace and Kate are huddled and talking.

"I can't get hold of her therapist, she's on vacation." Kate runs her hand through her hair.

"Christian, how about Flynn?" Grace looks at me. "I can talk to him about it but I think Kate needs to sign off on it."

Kate looks at me "Sure okay, she needs to talk to a professional because none of us are equipped to help her and she needs to talk out these feelings she has storming inside of her. I can't bear to see her like that again."

"I'll call Flynn and set it up." I walk out and proceed to call Flynn.

"John, are you free tomorrow afternoon, I understand it's the holidays but it's an emergency."

"Everything okay, Christian?"

"No. It's Ana. It's a long story but she found out about the BDSM stuff before I could tell her and when I explained everything to her she went into a trance and then when she came out of it she had some sort of a break and had a seizure on Friday night. We're still at the hospital but we're moving her with Kate to Grace's till the New Year."

"I see. How can I help?"

"Would you be able to come by tomorrow evening to Grace's to try and talk to Ana? Kate says she needs to talk out these feelings. Right now she's severely withdrawn and barely speaking. She just stares into space. I'll send a car for you."

"Sure. My last session ends at 3pm so I'm available after that."

"I'll have a car pick you up by 3:30pm. Let me know if anything changes."

"Will do. See you tomorrow."

I walk back into the room and tell Kate, Mom and Elliot that John will be coming by tomorrow afternoon to see Ana. Grace discusses Ana's discharge with Dr. Simmons and she recommends Ana stay one more night for observation just in case and that she'll be free to go home at 9am tomorrow.

"I have to go pack up a bag for Ana." Kate says.

"I can have my housekeeper take care of that if you give me the key to your apartment." I offer.

"No, it's okay. I'd rather do it myself. Elliot, can you stay with Ana? Just talk to her, remind her about Cabo. Happy memories will help. Just to get her to react a bit." Elliot nods.

"Christian, come with me. We need to talk." Kate orders me.

We ride together in relative silence. Once we're in the apartment, we head to Ana's bedroom. It's immaculate. Not a thing out of place. Kate takes out a bag and begins to pack Ana's things.

"The reason why I didn't want your housekeeper packing her things is because Ana is going to want to wear her indian clothes, to feel closer to Nani. There's a necklace the Ray gave her, she will need that, there's a small box of old pictures she keeps. It's little things that help her piece back together to who she was. Your housekeeper wouldn't have known that stuff." Kate cries as she packs things. "Can you go into her bathroom and get her perfume and body wash?" I do as I'm told. I look at her things neatly placed in the mirror cabinet and inhale the scent of her perfume and body wash. God I miss her. _I can't believe I fucked this up_. I give them to Kate.

"I'm going to go and pack my own bag. I'll be back in a bit, feel free to stay here or watch some TV and have something to drink. I won't be long."

"I'd like to stay here and think for a bit. Take your time." I sit on Ana's bed and stare at her wall of pictures and her world map. Memories of us in this room flood my mind. Of her lying next to me, bathed in her pink light. I sit with my head in my hands. Intense feelings swirl inside of my chest. Kate knocks on Ana's door and brings me out of my reverie.

"What exactly did Ana say before she went into her trance?" Kate asks.

"She kept saying different iterations of 'they wake up and they don't remember anything, they are bleeding, they are hurt, they cry' she just kept repeating those words. It was hard to hear, she sounded so broken."

"I see. She's equating her rape to what she thinks those women you've had arrangements with, went through. All she sees is sexual violence."

Fuck.

"Listen, I know about the BDSM shit. I know it's all consensual and while I don't agree with a lot of it, it's a reality that suits a lot of people."

"Did you ever want that for Ana?"

"When I initially met her at GEH, yes but then when I saw her at the wedding... I truly didn't know she was going to be there. Seeing her in her element, it seemed so reductive to have an arrangement like that with her. Kate, please believe me when I say that she's changed my life. She's shown me what a healthy fulfilling relationship can be. I never knew I could've had an emotional connection like that with a woman. I know I have fucked up immensely and you all hate my guts but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix it with Ana. I'll wait forever if I have to. I love her, Kate. I can't live without her. " My voice is strained and it's almost painful to speak.

Kate nods. "Just be ready to live in the doghouse for a while because Ana will want her pound flesh. She does not forgive. She doesn't believe in it, you heard her that night when we talked about Tiffany and Trevor. She sees this is a complete betrayal. I know how she thinks."

"I know, thank you Kate, I know I don't deserve your help in all this."

"I just want to be happy again, you are a big piece of that, we all will just have to work together to get het back to some semblance of who she was."

* * *

Monday, December 23rd, 2019

Kate asked me to not be present when Ana is being discharged and taken back to Mom and Dad's. It's important for Ana is settle in without seeing me around the house and know that the guest room she's staying in with Kate is a safe place.

Kate asks me for Travis's email to let him know that Ana is unwell but I tell her that I'll take care of it instead. I drive to GEH first thing in the morning and take the elevator to 18th. I get some wide-eyed and confused stares from the employees since they've never seen me in casual attire on a weekday. I honestly couldn't be bothered with my appearance right now.

I walk to Travis's office and the legal department is operating with a skeletal staff. I walk past Ana's desk and realize this is the first time I've come across it. It's perfectly organized, just like her room. With little inconspicuous trinkets and a small framed photo of her, Ray, Nita and Nani standing with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background. She looks tiny, not even a teenager yet.

I walk into Travis's office and he's on the phone but signals that he'll be done in 2 minutes. I sit on the couch and look out the window, trying to calm my racing thoughts.

"Christian, how can I help?"

"Travis, I need you to get me out of business with Elena. Gift her my share in the business and I never want to hear from her again."

He looks at me puzzled. "Everything, okay?"

"No. She's a parasite and I need her out of my life in every way. Just get rid of her."

"Consider it done."

"Also..." I take a deep breath. "Anastasia Steele, you're assistant won't be able to come into work until the New Year."

"Is she okay? She's usually here by 8:30 but I figured she may just be running late this morning but then again it's only a little after 9."

"No. Michael, no one but my security team and my family knows this but Ana and I are in a relationship. We met at her cousin's wedding and we didn't know each other before that. One thing led to another and we've been in a relationship since thanksgiving."

Travis blinks in disbelief. He knows my rule about not dating an employee and he knows all about the BDSM and submissive bullshit.

"Is she your..."

"No, she's not. She's my girlfriend Michael. She's nowhere near the lifestyle. In fact that's why I'm here. She found out about my previous activities because Elena showed up at the apartment while we were together and shit hit the fan. Ana reacted badly and ended up having a seizure and we had to take her to the hospital."

I see Travis shift uncomfortably in his seat. "Is she okay?"

"She'll get there, without going into too much detail and violating her privacy further, she's been through a lot of trauma in life and this secret of mine brought a lot of it back to the surface."

"I understand... Christian, I have to ask, did she sign an NDA?"

"No she did not."

Travis's eyes almost fall out of his head.

"Christian, as your lawyer, I have to strongly advise that she sign an NDA. This is... this could have dire consequences. She's a wonderful woman but you still need to protect yourself."

"That won't be an issue, Travis. I trust her. She comes from money too, at least her adoptive family does, in fact she's the one who wants to keep this private, I fucking want to announce already."

I'd say the look on Travis's face is priceless. He's never seen this side of me. I'm surprised he hasn't checked his pulse.

"I see."

"I love her and I'm about to lose her because I didn't tell her the truth."

Travis takes a deep breath and nods. He's never seen me show any emotion.

"I'm sorry Christian, I hope this all gets resolved soon. Ana is an exception woman and employee, she's an irreplaceable asset to the legal team and not to mention she saved us a shit ton of money recently."

"Yeah, I heard about that. I had to find that out from Ros. Which reminds me, I want to tell Ros myself, when the time is right."

"It goes without saying. I won't even mention to Ana that I know."

"I appreciate it, Travis."

"Don't worry, I'll take care of the Elena situation. Just focus on Ana's recovery. I'll talk to HR have everything taken care of."

...

I leave GEH and head down to Sea-Tac to pick up Mia. No doubt she will have a million questions but I need to feel useful.

I wait for Mia at arrivals at the private terminal. She looks worried as she walks out and comes in for a hug.

"Christian, what happened to Ana, no one will tell me anything." Mia asks as we walk towards the car.

"Mia, I can't give you too many details but I kind of fucked up by not sharing some details of my past and I'm desperately trying to fix it and before you tell me you're going to kill me for hurting her, know that there is a long line of people in front of you waiting to do the same."

She looks at me with tears in her eyes. "Christian, I love you unconditionally and yeah, you can be a real asshole sometimes but I know you can fix this. I have faith in you. You don't have to tell me anything, just fix it with Ana, please." She leans in to hug me and I kiss her temple.

"Thanks Mia, I'm trying and willing to do whatever it takes. Thank you for cutting your trip short, I know you were looking forward to spending the holidays in New York with your friends."

"Anything for Ana, besides, New York will always be there. Maybe next year we can all can go somewhere cool for New Year's?" Mia smiles at me as we sit in the car.

I smile back, "Sure Mia, lets plan something." I love how she is looking ahead and already envisioning Ana and I having a future.

We get back to the house. I carry Mia's bags in and we greet Mom and Dad. I walk up with Mia to catch a glimpse of Ana. I haven't seen her in more than 24 hours.

I follow Mia to the threshold of the guest bedroom door. Ana is wrapped in a shawl, sitting on the bench attached to the bay window looking out to the grounds behind the house. Her stare is vacant. She is still. Mia hugs Kate and walks over to Ana and sits in front of her. Ana doesn't move. She doesn't register Mia as she goes in to hug her. Ana remains the same, sitting and staring out. Mia breaks the hug.

"Ana banana, I missed you so much. New York was so dull I had to come back. We should totally go together soon. Girls trip!" Mia tries to get Ana to speak but she doesn't respond. I can't bear to see it anymore. I decide to go downstairs.

"Christian, your mom and I would like to have a word with you in the study." Dad calls out to me. Fuck, this is going to be like all those fucking times I got lectured for fucking up during school. Fuck me. They're going to want to know the details of what happened with Ana. This was bound to happen. It'll be a miracle if I get out of this whole mess alive.

Dad closes the door to the study, Mom is already seated on the couch and Dad joins her while I take my place on a chair opposite them. It's like I'm 15 again. I guess some things never change.

"Christian... what happened between you and Ana for it to cause such an extreme reaction in her?" Mom is at her wits end; I know the suspense is killing her.

"Son, whatever it is, we can help her together but you have to be honest with us. Kate won't tell us anything and I suspect that's to protect you as well."

"Mom, Dad, I need you to promise me you won't lose your shit because what I'm about to tell you is going to be heavy and... just know that I never meant to hurt Ana with this information. She just found out some stuff about me through an external source before I could tell her and it was the reaction of finding out everything like that... that really caused this reaction."

"Okay son, carry on. Tell us everything." I can see Grace bracing herself for the worst.

"The summer I turned 15, I'm sure you can remember that I kind of changed. I was no longer getting into fights and started to focus in school and started to do well, I was... I guess, calmer."

Grace and Carrick nod in agreement.

"Well, I became involved with an older woman and she kind of set me on the straight path. However, she introduced me into a certain sexual lifestyle, BDSM, that carried on till I met Ana. I started out as this older woman's submissive and she had sexual dominance over me and would either punish or reward me based on my performance in school and socially. Then when I went to Harvard and our relationship continued till I decided end it. When I dropped out and started the business, she became my submissive instead. That dynamic was a short-lived relationship. I started having private and contractual relationships with other women of the same nature. I would dominate them. Control every aspect of their lives. I did this with 17 women and they all signed contracts. It was the safest way I could have sex. I can't bare to be touched and this way insured I got what I wanted, the way I wanted without any emotion." I take a breath and look up. Mom is horrified and Dad's eyes are wide open.

"I want to assure you that I did not expose Ana to this lifestyle, when I met her at the wedding, seeing her in that environment just changed me entire outlook on life. When I spent time with her alone, she changed me and she made me want more from this life. I see a future with her. She showers me with so much affection that I crave it now. I feel safe with her." I feel the tears fall my eyes.

"I had been meaning to tell her about my past but I kept putting it off for fear that she would leave me. On Friday night, the older woman I started out with, she now runs an agency for prospective submissives and pairs them with men and women who are engaged in the lifestyle, she came by the apartment unannounced with a prospect. I tried to get her to leave but Ana got hold of the contract she brought and read it and that it all came out. She asked to see the room where all that activity took place and asked me how the arrangements worked. All of that information triggered something in her. She had been brutally raped before she started college by her adoptive cousin Vishaal and she doesn't remember the night in question but over the years he's tortured her psychologically since then. She equates all of what she found out on Friday night to her own experience. She thinks I'm a monster."

Grace is on the verge of a full-blown meltdown, her face is in her hands and Dad is rubbing her back. Fuck, I am so fucking dead.

"Who the fuck was this woman Christian?" Grace looks up at me. "Tell me or so help me God I will you kill you right now." I swallow hard. "It was Elena Lincoln."

"Oh God, no. Please no." Grace sobs. "I knew she was weird, there were rumors of her peculiar habits as Linc once put it but I would never have imagined this. She was my friend, how could she do this to my son?" She's so disappointed in me.

"Christian, this is really fucked up." Carrick can't even look at me. "I know Dad, there is no excuse. I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I promise you, I have never wanted to hurt Ana. She has healed me in ways I can't even begin to describe. I'm really just trying to move forward and make it right with her." I say with a strained voice.

Dad gets up and sits on the chair next to me and puts his hand on my shoulder.

"Christian, I am at loss of words and my heart is broken. I can't believe I was so blind to let you be abused again. I'm sorry. I...I'm..." Grace sobs uncontrollably.

"Mom please, this is not your fault. I know it doesn't make sense, but Elena did set me on a straight path, it's gotten me to where I am in life, all the money and success was because she taught me control."

"DON'T YOU DARE DEFEND HER." Grace raises her voice. Fuck, she is going to kill me. This is the end. "Money and success doesn't mean jack shit when you break the spirit of a beautiful girl who has brought so much light into our lives." Grace never swears.

"Honey, let's take some time to process all of this, I'm sure Christian is already dealing with enough given what happened." Dad tries to save me. This has never happened, it's always been the other way around.

Grace gets up and leaves.

"Son, I appreciate how difficult it was for you to tell us this. Know that as your parents we've only ever wanted the best for the three of you and have wanted to protect you so this really comes as a shock. You never let us in and when you met Ana, it was the first time we felt like we could breathe easy. We saw a light in you like never before. Grace and I have worried about you for years because we just wanted you to be able to experience all the joys in life that we did. The joy of being in love, finding a companion for life and having children, it doesn't get any simpler than that." Dad rubs my shoulder.

"I understand that now dad. I'm really sorry for worrying you all these years. For all the trouble and disappointment I've caused. I hope you both can forgive me. I'm really trying to change, I'm going to do whatever it takes to get Ana back and move forward in a meaningful way." I look back at him.

"Just don't fuck it up again, trust me, I once blew it with Grace early on in our relationship and she made my life a living hell for a while. I vowed to never fuck up again. When you find the right one, you hold on and do whatever you can to make it work." He smiles back at me and stands.

"Thanks Dad, I really needed this." I say as I get up.

"I know I've always just lectured you and yelled at you, but I'm so proud of you as well. Yeah you fucked up but just make it right, son. I'm always here to talk, whenever you need it. And if you want to go after Elena, I will do whatever I can to help because there is no way I am letting that wretched, vile woman go." He pulls me in for a hug, again something like this has rarely ever happened. Only Ana can make this happen for us even in the darkest of times.

"Dad, I will take care of Elena. You don't have to worry about that anymore. I will reach out should I need help."

Dad starts to speak but then stops and nods his head.

...

John arrives at around 4:45pm. He meets with Grace, Kate and I and we discuss how to help Ana.

"Ms. Kavanagh, can you please tell me how long Ana has been in therapy for and how frequently she's been seeing her current therapist?" John asks.

"Dr. Flynn, please call me Kate. Ana hasn't really been able to regularly see her therapist since June. She lost her first job and then when she finally got the job at GEH there was a big family wedding that she was prepping for and financially it was difficult for her to pay for sessions. She had to choose between physical fitness or therapy and she chose physical fitness. When she got back from the wedding, it was the fact that she had to pay outstanding bills so she's maybe been to therapy 4-5 times since June I'd say."

"I see. So she hasn't discussed her new relationship with Christian professionally it seems." John muses.

"No she hasn't. She's been really happy otherwise, we've seen a new side of her." Kate shares.

"Christian has told me a little bit about her background in terms of the trauma she's suffered in addition to the information you shared with him. There is a chance that Ana may not want to speak with me at all. I will try my best but we can't push her. At this point, it will have to be gentle nudges to get her back to a sense of normalcy."

"I agree. I hope she does speak with you, otherwise you're right, we'll just have to keep trying." Kate agrees. "I'll take you upstairs to her room."

Grace and I follow John and Kate up the stairs to Ana's room. We hear the faint sound of singing. The door is slightly open. She's still sitting at the bay window in the same position, looking out. She looks a little frail. We get closer and I can finally make out what she's singing;

_A simple change of heart and you attack  
All the roses in my garden fade to black,  
I won't take you back._

The words cut through me like a knife. She doesn't want me back.

Kate stops us right before the door. "Dr. Flynn, sometimes the only way I can tell how she's feeling is by the songs she'll sing. Sometimes she has no memory of what she's singing, it's just the way her brain processes the emotions she's feeling. She's been singing those lines on and off since yesterday. She's barely spoken to me. She just nods or shakes her head when answering a question. In addition, it's the anniversary of her father's death and her accident on Thursday. It's usually a very difficult day for her, I was hoping if you could come by that day too?"

"Thank you for telling me, this helps too. If you remember anything else please do feel free to share and yes, I'm available to come by for a session on Thursday, we'll decide a time before we leave."

Kate then leads John into the room while Grace and I wait at the door.

"Steele, Dr. Flynn is here to see you. He's a therapist and I think I'd be good for you to talk a little bit about what you're feeling. We just want you to feel better." Kate says as she runs her hand through Ana's hair.

Ana hangs her head low and nods. Kate leans in and kisses her temple. "I'm going to go and make you some tea okay? Dr. Flynn, would you like some tea or coffee?"

"I'll have whatever Ana is having." Dr. Flynn smiles.

Kate walks out and we close the door behind her as we exit. Grace, even though she's fucking pissed at me, pats my shoulder. I walk to my bedroom that's down the hall from the guest room and lie on the bed. Fuck, what could they be talking about? I just want her to feel better already. I don't want to see her broken like this. Fuck, I wish I could turn back time.

**APOV**

Kate walks out of the room and Dr. Flynn pulls a chair closer to where I am. I can see him from the corner of my eye. He's in his late 40's with a British accent, round glasses. He's well dressed and speaks with warmth and I feel a little better.

"Ana, how are you feeling today?"

I shrug. "I'm alive and breathing." I feel dead inside.

"I understand that it's been a difficult few days and that this week is also the anniversary of your accident and the death of your father."

Tears start to fall from my eyes. I can barely manage to get a word out. "Yes."

"I'm here to listen, whatever you'd like to talk about, even if it's about this awful Seattle weather, I'm here. I want you to feel that this is a comfortable space for you to explore and analyze your thoughts."

"Thank you." I give him a small smile and resume looking out the window. I don't even know where to start. I don't know if I want to talk. What's the point, it doesn't change anything.

"If it's difficult to find a starting point, would you mind my asking you some questions?"

"Okay."

"Can you describe in one word how you feel about what happened on Friday?"

"Betrayal."

"I understand. Would you have felt the same way had Christian told you this information himself rather than it being told to you by someone else?"

"I don't know about that. I can't explore that possibility given what has happened. It's futile."

"For argument's sake, why not try?" Dr. Flynn probes.

Now I'm pissed and annoyed. I straighten myself and I can't help but raise my voice a little. "Sure, why not, let's waste time talking about an opportunity that I will never get. Yes, I'd be pissed. Would I have reacted the same way? I don't fucking know but at least I would have been getting the truth from the source and not some sad excuse of a woman who preyed on a 15 year old boy and turned him into a fucked up monster." Tears sting my eyes and I am seething, as I look Dr. Flynn in the eye.

"Do you fear Christian now?"

I keep my eyes fixed on him. "Yes, he scares the shit out of me. I don't want to be near him. He will hurt me. Every man I have loved or who has claimed to love me has let me down in some way. They have died on me, left me, raped me or lied to me and to top it all off now I find out he wanted to beat the shit out of me with whips and canes. I'm fucking done with all this shit. Now, if you'll excuse me, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Please leave me alone." I look back outside of the window. I can't stop crying and shivering. Fuck this shit. I didn't sign up for any of this.

Dr. Flynn gets up and leaves the room.

**CPOV**

I hear the door to Ana's room open and I bolt up to go into the hallway. John makes his way to the stairs. He was in there for less than 10 minutes. What happened?

"John, everything okay? She didn't say anything?

"Let's talk downstairs."

We go into the kitchen where Kate is preparing a tray with tea. She gives us a puzzled look. "Did Ana not speak with you?"

"She did. She said a lot in the few minutes of us speaking but she asked me to leave. She has a lot of anger in her. She's angry and hurt and she's conflating her feelings of what happened on Friday with the upcoming death anniversary and other traumas."

"I see." Kate murmurs.

"It's good she got this out as well. It will help her feel better. I'll come by again on Thursday, we might fare better then." John gives an assuring smile.

"Christian, can we speak for a minute privately?" John looks to me.

I take him into Dad's study and close the door.

"John, have I really fucked this up beyond repair?" I look at him, almost begging him for a sign of hope.

"Christian, the timing of what happened is not ideal. I can't tell you exactly what she said but I think we should maybe try and have you in her session for Thursday, just for a bit. Right now, she needs an understanding of why these past relationships appealed to you; I'm talking about it outside of your relationship with Elena. You need to tell Ana about your birth mother. You need to be transparent with her. She needs a reference point to shed the image she has of you in her mind after this revelation."

"She thinks I'm a monster, doesn't she?"

"She needs time Christian, time and open conversation."

I nod as I try to get rid of the lump in my throat. I walk John to the car and he leaves with Ryan.

Ana doesn't come down for dinner. Elliot has decided to move back in till the New Year, to help Kate and Mia with Ana. Grace asks me to stay as well, I tell her I'm not sure it's a good idea given Ana's reaction towards me. I tell her, I'll try but and we'll take it on a day by day basis.

_Tuesday, December 24__th__, 2019_

**CPOV **

I head into the office again. It's fairly quiet; just a few people are in. I try to focus on work but my mind keeps thinking about Ana. She's in every facet of my life. Personally and professionally, I can't help but think about her. Every place reminds me of her. I decide that I'll spend time at Grace's till the New Year, I need to do whatever it takes to get Ana back.

I text Gail and ask her to pack me clothes till the New Years, along with Ana's christmas present in my top desk drawer in the study and I tell her to take the week off since I'll be at Mom and Dad's.

CG: How is Ana doing?

MG: She's doing a little better. She had breakfast and is talking a little; Elliot got her to laugh a bit so there is hope.

CG: Thanks for letting me know. I just want her to get better.

MG: We all do. Will we see you at dinner tonight?

CG: Yes, I'm going to move in for the holidays till the New Years.

MG: AWESOME. I'm going to organize game night.

CG: In that case, I may reconsider my decision now.

MG: Don't even think about it! See you soon.

The thought makes me smile. Mia's game nights always end in disaster, with Elliot and I cursing each other into oblivion, mostly because Elliot is a sore and shitty loser. That may bring Ana out of her shell, she has a special bond with him.

I leave work at around 3pm and tell Taylor I won't need personal security for the next couple of days. I make the drive up to Mom and Dad's and let Ros and Andrea know that I'm available to come in for emergencies otherwise I'm available online for any meetings etc.

**APOV**

Grace made me pancakes for breakfast. It makes me wish Nita and Nani were here. She's been so good to me. It makes me uncomfortable and I don't deserve her love. I've been nothing but a broken mess whenever she's seen me.

I'm lying in bed trying to sleep, last night was difficult being in a new place. My body missed Christian, I hate that it betrays me. I love him and fear him; it's tearing me apart to have these conflicting feelings within me. This entire house is warm and full of love and I feel so uneasy. I hear a knock on the door and look to see who it is, Grace peers in with a smile.

"Ana dear, may I come in?"

"Of course, please. Come sit with me." I smile at her and get up to make room for her to sit with me on the bed.

"I hope you don't mind, I wanted to get a chance to speak with you while things are a little quiet right now."

"Sure, I'm happy you're here." I give her a genuine smile.

"Yes, I wanted to check in on you and apologize for whatever Christian did." She looks down at her hands.

"Grace, please don't. It's not your fault. He was taken advantage of and then... Christian is a grown man and responsible for his own actions after a certain point." I hold her hand and she sobs.

"I didn't protect him when he needed it most and now he's hurt so many people and most of all he's hurt you and I am sorry."

I move in to hug her. I can't imagine what she feels and it makes me cry. "Grace, despite it all, I still love him. He's the love of my life but I can't reconcile all that I have learned recently. I've been through so much physical and emotional pain in my life that I'm just so tired. I am barely holding on. I need time. I don't know if I can forgive him."

"I understand. I wanted to let you know what we will do whatever we can to help and be there for you both. No matter what you decide." She places her hand on my face and I lean into her warm touch.

"Thank you, Grace. I cannot ever repay you for how you've taken care of me."

"I can't repay you for the light I've seen in Christian's eyes. I always wanted to see him in a happy and loving relationship and he got that with you, I finally got to see my beautiful boy for who he truly could be." She smiles back at me and I nod, looking down. I can't look her in the eye. I can't talk about this anymore.

She kisses my forehead and tells me she's going to check on dinner. I lie back down in bed and try to sleep but I can't. Her words echo in my brain. Memories of Carmel by the sea, the golden hour light, his kisses on my skin, they all come back to me. I need to distract myself. I decide to get up and explore the house a bit. Kate and Elliot have gone to the supermarket to get some supplies for our TV show marathon for the next couple of days and Mia is downstairs with Grace helping out with dinner.

I exit the room and walk down the hallway to the open bedroom at the end. I look in and it's a nautical themed room. The walls are a sea, teal like blue with white linens on the bed and dark hard wood floors and furniture. I walk in and go to see the picture frames. It's Christian's room, I realize. I see pictures of him on family trips, with Mia and Elliot in front of Mount Rushmore, at the Grand Canyon, even in front of the Taj Mahal. He's been to India before? I feel a little jealous. He doesn't smile much but Elliot and Mia beam in all the pictures. I come across a picture of him as a young child with Mia in his lap. It makes me tear up. He was such a beautiful boy with the most adorable smile. What happened to him? That woman took away his innocence and turned him into this closed off man who deprived himself of happiness for so long and in doing so, hurt so many women.

His study table is full of different miniature wood models of planes and boats. Some in a bottle and some are on stands. I see a telescope by his window and look through it. I walk around and go through his bookshelf and notice his UFC posters. Of course he was into that, my hot broody teen who wanted to break stuff. He has all these eclectic tastes and he never shared any of this with me, maybe I was just too much for him. Always bombarding him with myself that he never to a chance to tell me anything. I see his high school yearbook and pull it out of the bookshelf and sit on the floor by the foot of the bed and go through it. He has no written farewell messages; I guess he never got his signed. I never got that experience myself. After I recovered from my accident, I took my GED and focused on getting into college. I put on my airpods and play some music and start to go through the yearbook.

**CPOV**

I get to Mom and Dad's and leave my bag at the bottom of the staircase and head into the kitchen to say hi to Mom.

"Hey mom, I decided to take your advice and will stay here till New Years." I tell her.

"I'm glad Christian, I haven't had my little gang stay for more than a weekend since you and Elliot graduated college." She smiles and Mia claps her excitement. I try to smile.

"How is Ana doing?" I ask.

"I spoke with her this afternoon, we had a normal conversation but of course she needs time. She's in her room taking a nap" Grace tells me.

I nod. "I'm going to go upstairs and drop off my bag and will see you in a bit."

I go up the stairs with my bag and walk to my room and see Ana on the floor by the foot of the bed, lightly humming and singing. Fuck. What is she doing here?

_And you didn't mean to do it  
So I don't have to believe it  
If you didn't really mean it  
Then magical thinking gets us by_

_My fairweather friend  
Fairweather friend_

I swallow. I call out to her and she doesn't respond. Odd. I call her again and she doesn't respond. I walk a little closer to her and see she's going through my yearbook and she's looking for my yearbook picture no doubt. Little does she know I never showed up for that shit. I had no interest in all that trivial bullshit.

I take another step towards her to tap her shoulder and before I can touch her she suddenly senses me and looks up, drops the yearbook and bolts away in fear, trying to stand up as she puts distance between us. She takes off her airpods and shoves them into her pocket.

"Please... don't... touch... me... I.. I..." She's shivering and tears are falling from her eyes.

"Ana, baby, I would never hurt you. I was calling you and you didn't hear me." I try to explain but she shivering uncontrollably.

She starts to look around as if to try and escape. Fuck she's scared of me. No baby, please don't be scared, I could never hurt you that way.

"Baby, please don't be afraid of me. Ana, I would never hurt you like that. Please believe me." I plead.

"I want to leave." She cries.

"Okay, listen, I'm going to go into the hallway and stand by the stairs okay, they are a considerable distance from this room and guest room where you're staying. I'll stand there and you can go into your room. Or do you want to go downstairs?" I ask her.

"Room." She says trembling.

"Okay, I'm going to walk out and you leave whenever you're comfortable okay?"

She nods.

I walk out towards the stairs, I'm not even halfway down the hallway when I hear her run to the room and slam the door and lock it. Fuck, she doesn't trust me. She hates me; she thinks I'm a monster. It feels like a knife twisting in my heart.

I head back into the kitchen and I see Kate putting ice-cream away and she clocks my worried expression. She comes to me and signals me to meet her in the living room.

"What happened Christian?"

"I went to put my bag in my room and Ana was sitting on the floor by the bed with her back to the door. She couldn't hear me, she had her headphones in, and when I got close to her she got scared and thought I was going to hurt her. I told her, I'd never hurt her like that. I walked out in to the hallway and told her she could head back in to her room whenever she felt comfortable. As soon as I left, she ran into the room and slammed the door and locked it."

She looks down and takes a deep breath. "Okay, I'm going to go and check up on her. She just needs time."

After a while I head back upstairs to take a shower and change. I pass by Ana's room, the door is slightly open and I see Ana in bed crying in Kate's embrace as she runs her hand through her hair and Mia rubs her back.

I want to be there for her. I want to heal her like she heals me. I want to kiss her pain away.

We all settle in for dinner and Kate brings Ana down. Elliot and I sit together with Mom and Dad at the head of the table. Kate, Ana and Mia take their seats opposite us with Ana sitting closest to Mom.

Everyone makes small talk, Ana and I remain quiet. I see her pick at her food and eat very little. She barely looks up. Suddenly Dad calls out to Ana and she looks up towards him.

"Ana, I wanted to ask, was it hard learning the language when you were adopted by Kiran's family?"

She smiles a little "I actually don't remember that part, I mean I feel like I've always known the language."

"The song you sang at the hindu ceremony, I actually recorded a little of it and played it for one of my associates in the office, he's Pakistani. He told me it wasn't hindi but it was Punjabi."

"Oh yes, that particular song is Sikh Punjabi, I can understand a bit of it but not speak it that well. Regular Punjabi I fully understand and can speak quite a bit but obviously not as well as everyone else in the family.'

"There's actually a song I came across in my youth, it's by this woman, I will probably butcher her name, it's khanum something."

"Farida Khanum?"

"YES!" Carrick smiles.

"She's a very popular Pakistani singer, she mostly sings ghazals which are essentially poems." She smiles back.

"There's one that she sang, I can't make out the words since but I remember the tune, I've always wanted to know what it means?"

"I'd love to hear it once we're done with dinner and if I know it, I'd be happy to translate it for you." She beams. I see a little bit of the girl I fell in love with again.

"Did you have formal training in singing?" Carrick asks, trying to keep the conversation going. I give him a look but he doesn't catch my stare, I don't want Ana to get sad again.

"A little bit. When I was in recovery and gotten about 75% of my speech back, Kiran and her brother noticed that my voice changed significantly from before, especially my speaking voice. I didn't sound like this at all. I used to sound like a pipsqueak." She giggles. "They said I now had weight to my voice and so they started to teach me how to sing classically, I mean you heard their voices, they have amazing range and they've been learning since they were kids from proper instructors in India. They taught me a bit but on my 21st birthday, my cousin Karan, he sang with me on the sangeet... he has an incredible voice, the best in the family in fact... He got me skype lessons for 3 months with his instructor and that helped me significantly but I still have a lot to learn." She smiles.

"That's incredible. Which do you prefer to sing?"

"Definitely eastern music. Some of the songs I've heard, I never been able to find a western music equivalent... it's just on a completely different wavelength."

"I agree, we had a sufi singer come and give a presentation at our college once and it was hynoptic."

"Oh definitely. No doubt about it. For example, you can sing one sentence over and over again and each time it can feel different, or mean something different, just by the way it's sung."

"I've read a lot about music helping in recovery, would you agree that it helped you?" Grace asks.

"Definitely, I mean during both physical and speech therapy. Sometimes it felt like, my brain telling my hand to move wouldn't at all work but as soon as there was music, I'd be able to move and that helped tremendously. So, when I did finally gain access to my voice, I'd always be humming just to trick myself into being able to move." Ana says wistfully. _My beautiful girl went through so much._

"That's such an incredible recovery to make." Grace says with affection.

I sense Ana's discomfort as she nods but she still smiles back. "Grace, do you sing?"

"Oh god no, I'm horrible. Carrick used to be in an acapella group in college."

Ana immediately looks at him smiling "Really? Oh, you must sing me something then!"

Carrick laughs "My voice isn't what it used to be."

"I highly doubt it, I still want to hear a song!" Ana giggles "So tell me, did you woo Grace by serenading her throughout campus?"

We all laugh and Grace sneers "He was such a nerd, I wouldn't give him the time of day."

"I tried but Miss Trevelyan had high standards." Carrick snaps back with a laugh. "I got her in the end though" he looks at mom lovingly as she winks back at him.

Ana looks back at Grace, "that's right girl, make him work for it."

"Oh honey, I did." She winks and Ana laughs and we all join in.

Ana starts to feel better as her and Elliot spar and make fun of each other, she hits him back every time. He's met his match. She doesn't look at me. She ignores me the entire time. It fucking stings but at least she's feeling a little better.

After dinner, we all end up in the kitchen to make coffee and tea and Carrick takes Ana up on her offer to translate the song. He hums the tune and Ana smiles at him.

"I know the song, it's in Urdu actually, I can't remember all the lyrics but I can translate the main gist of it. It's poem that can be viewed as political commentary or a love story. It just depends on the situation you're in. It's actually my grandfather's favorite and he always makes Karan sing it for him. I actually have a video of it. Hold on."

She takes out her phone and quickly searches through and stands next to Carrick and plays the video. Karan's voice sounds amazing. Ana proceeds to translate the song.

_Dil jalane ki baat karte ho _

_Aashiyaane ki baat karte ho _

_Saari duniya ke -o-ghum dekar_

_Saari duniya ke -o-ghum dekar _

_Muskuraane ki baat karte ho _

_Muskuraane ki baat karte ho _

_You tell me things that burn and break my heart_

_You tell me we should build a home here_

_You give me all the world's grief and sadness and tell me to smile._

_Todani hai humein jahan ki rasam _

_Todani hai humein jahan ki rasam _

_Tum nibhaane ki baat karte ho _

_Tum nibhaane ki baat karte ho _

_Dil jalane ki baat karte ho _

_Aashiyaane ki baat karte ho _

_We have to go against the world and break tradition_

_But you say we need to fall in line and follow_

_You tell me things that burn and break my heart_

_You tell me we should build a home here_

Each line hits me as she translates it. She might as well be slapping me in the face.

"Oh, I didn't know it meant something so sad." Carrick looks serious.

"That's the thing about south Asian songs, they're so incredibly sad and layered. The English translations don't do them justice. A lot of it is in the way they words are sung."

"Most definitely, it's just a completely different way of singing. Some of the notes you hit and hold, I couldn't even try it. That song all you cousins sang on the first night. At the end when you and Karan sang, I can't even try to sing like that. It was... beautiful."

"Awww. Thank you. That means so much. You kind of have to sing from your gut, it takes a lot out of me sometimes to sing some of the songs that I love because they demand that emotion and power from you even if it's a whisper it requires its pound of flesh to do it justice. Western songs in comparison, I can just randomly sing them without really digging in too deep. It's light like cotton candy." She laughs.

"You need to educate me more on this, we need to block out a day where you teach me all about this. I want to learn." Carrick asks her.

She puts her hand forward for a shake "Deal." Carrick shakes her hand and they laugh. I see Kate smile at the exchange; she looks visibly relaxed as well seeing Ana back to herself.

"Okay now you have to sing me a song." Ana reminds him.

"Yeah dad, sing us a song." Mia pipes up.

Carrick gets a little shy and asks Ana what classic she'd like to hear.

Ana takes a moment to think and asks Dad to sing, "Dream A little dream of Me"

She hums along as he sings, walking towards Grace and dances with her. Dad really does have a good voice, he's barely ever sung for us. Again, only Ana can get everyone to open up.

_Stars shining bright above you  
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"  
Birds singing in the sycamore tree  
Dream a little dream of me_

_Say "Night-ie night" and kiss me  
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me  
While I'm alone and blue as can be  
Dream a little dream of me_

_Stars fading, but I linger on, dear  
Still craving your kiss  
I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear  
Just saying this_

_Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you  
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you_

He twirls Grace and Ana laughs and claps along with Kate and Mia as they sing along too. It's such a beautiful moment. God, why did I fuck this up?

_But in your dreams whatever they be  
Dream a little dream of me_

_Stars fading, but I linger on, dear  
Still craving your kiss  
I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear  
Just saying this_

_Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you  
Sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you  
But in your dreams whatever they be  
Dream a little dream of me_

Once dad is done singing the song, we all shower him with applause and Ana cheers.

* * *

_Wednesday,__ December 25__th__, 2019._

**CPOV**

Ever since I can remember, I've loathed Christmas morning, actually all the holidays in general. I have loathed them. What's the point? It's all manufactured emotional crap to get people to spend obscene amounts of money. This year was going to be different, I kind of looked forward to it. Ana changed that in me. Decorating the tree with her and the thought of waking up with her on Christmas morning and being with the love of my life, it meant more. My life would be more. Except, here I am, in my parent's house with the love of my life in another room who thinks I'm a monster. I'm walking on fucking eggshells.

I get up and get dressed to take on another day of emotional beating from Ana. As fucking painful it is, at least she's here and in front of me. I'd still rather be here than alone at Escala.

I come out of my room just as Elliot does the same. We walk down the stairs towards the dining room and the whole house smells of cookies and breakfast food. Ana's baking?

We walk into the kitchen and see Dad by the kitchen bay window, sitting with Ana as she takes cookies out of the baking tray and arranges them on a plate.

"What's your favorite Christmas song?" Ana asks Dad.

"So many, I really liked Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire by Nat King Cole though. What about you?" Carrick smiles back at her, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Same here, my dad really loved Nat King Cole and was obsessed with Natalie Cole. He wanted to marry her I think, too bad she was like 20ish years older than him." Ana giggles "I grew up with her tribute album, unforgettable; with love, playing in the house allllll the time. I've memorized every song. As far as Christmas songs go, I really like Carol of the Bells but no real favorites otherwise but I'll sing to them whenever I hear it on the radio."

"ooooh I love that one too." Mia chimes in.

"Have you heard the rendition by the Bird and the Bee, it's so good!" She looks back to Mia smiling and suddenly sees Elliot and I standing by the island and her face falls a little. She immediately goes quiet. I walk out and Elliot follows me into the living room. He rubs my shoulder "Give her time, she's gotten much better than last week."

"Thanks Elliot, you're right, it just fucking hurts. I realize I need to go through this but fuck... man."

He silently nods.

"Breakfast is ready." Grace calls out from the kitchen.

We all take our seats, Ana sits in between Kate and Mia opposite Elliot and I with mom and dad in their respective seats.

Ana keeps doesn't talk much again, only speaks when spoken to like myself. She has her hair braided and swept to the side. Face sans makeup, with her beautiful blue eyes that have not met sleep and have been crying for days. She's in a red cardigan that's tucked into her faded blue jeans that are ripped at the knees. She's wearing a gold necklace with a locket that she plays with ever so often. She's hasn't worn it before, I suspect it's the necklace that Kate told me about. She misses her dad immensely.

"Ana, what family traditions did you have at Christmas?" Grace asks.

"Nothing fancy. When it was just my dad, and I we'd go to the neighborhood pancake place... I inherited his obsession for pancakes. We'd sometimes try our hand at ice fishing. " She says softly as she plays with her necklace. "And then when he married Nita, she joined us too but because Nita's Muslim she didn't really celebrate Christmas but she would always make us a nice dinner and we'd play board games like the nerds we are." She giggles.

"Steele, what games did you play?" Elliot asks.

"Monopoly and it always ended in bloodshed because I'm a sore, crying loser who always lost all her money." She laughs and I can't help but smile.

"Then you'll be perfect for our game night tradition." Mia chimes in. "It gets super heated and it's so much fun to watch Elliot and Christian beat the crap out of each other over trivial stuff."

"Ever since Ana and I became friends, she's spent Christmas with me since Nita and Nani fly out to India for the wedding season and holidays." Kate mentions. "So it was always us girls and we'd have our own little party." Ana nods gives Kate a heartwarming smile and it makes me wish I were on the receiving end of it.

"Wedding season in December?" Carrick asks.

"Oh yes, since the summers are insanely hot in that part of the world, wedding season starts from end of November and ends around the third week of January. After dad passed away and I started college, I felt bad for making Nita stay with me, she went through a lot with the loss of Ray and my recovery so it was good for her to get out and be in a place where it hurt a little less but we're in constant communication and always do something to honor him even if we're far away from each other" She shrugs and smiles a little.

"I understand, you seem to have a wonderful relationship with her." Carrick smiles.

"She let me call her mama and always treated me like her own." Ana says with tears forming in her eyes and excuses herself for a minute.

Kate gets up to go after her and Elliot stops her. "I'll go, you've done a lot, finish your breakfast, babe."

Elliot leaves and follows Ana upstairs. I feel a surge of self-loathing. I can barely eat.

"Christian?" Kate calls out to me.

"I know this is difficult for you as well but trust me this is progress. She's actually talking. She never used to do that before during this time of the holidays" I nod silently and excuse myself. I go up the stairs and wait outside the guest bedroom door that's open. I hear Elliot and Ana talking, he hugs her as they sit on the bed facing towards the window.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to dampen the mood at breakfast on Christmas morning. You guys really got the shitty end of the stick with me." Ana says crying.

"Shut the fuck up Steele, you're the best and one of us now and you have every right to express your emotions as you feel them and I know this is a difficult time for you given what tomorrow means." Elliot lovingly scolds her.

"It just hurts. I know I'm strong but I feel like all my emotions are off balance since last week. I keep thinking about our time at Carmel by the Sea, I want to go back to that so bad Elliot. I keep dreaming about that day. It was perfect and now everything is just a mess and I can't seem to find my way back."

"Listen, I know what Christian did was a fucked up and trust me, we've all given him a piece of our mind."

"Wait, everyone knows?"

"Yeah, he told us, well Mia is still in the dark but everyone else yes. I'm surprised Mom and Dad haven't completely lost their minds. I sure as hell wanted to kill him for a second but he's also my kid brother, I can't help but love him and want to protect him. I wish I had known back then, I would've beaten the shit out of him and killed that bitch."

"From what he tells me, he would beat the shit out of you quite often." She giggles.

"Well, I was a bit of an asshole back then, I'd do a lot of shit to get on his nerves but only to get his attention and then I'd suffer his wrath." Elliot laughs. I can't help but smirk. He was such a douche back then but he always had my back. I've never doubted that.

"Elliot, I know nothing about him. I mean, I learned way more from just sitting in his room for 10 minutes. He won't open up to me. I so desperately want to know about him and love him. He knows everything about me and sometimes I feel like I'm just staring into a black hole. He's afraid to tell me things and I don't know what else I can do to make him feel safe and now this shit. I can't handle it. How do I know he won't hurt me?" She sobs.

"I'm sorry Ana, I wish I could make it better for the both of you. Listen, as hard as this is on you, it's hard on him too. He knows he fucked up and I know he's willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. And don't worry the fucker won't hurt you or he'll have to deal with me."

"I'm not sure it can work."

"Give it time? Don't make any final decisions right now."

"Okay, I'll try."

Fuck, fuck, FUCK, she doesn't want this anymore. She doesn't want me.

"Want to hear something funny?" Ana asks.

"Sure."

"When Christian and I first got together, he told me he thought you and I were a thing cause we were so familiar with each other on the first day at the wedding." Ana laughs out loud and Elliot joins her as they howl.

"Yeah well, that's what he gets for not coming to Cabo. Man, that weekend was epic."

"Yeah it was. By the way, I totally thought you were super cute but I'm also not into blondes so I passed you along to Kate." Ana giggles.

"Yeah I'm not into brunettes either." Elliot sneers.

I hear Mia come up and walk towards me. She gives me a hug. "espionnez-vous votre petite amie?" _Are you spying on your girlfriend?_

"elle me déteste donc je ne pense pas qu'elle est ma petite amie en ce moment." _She hates me so I don't think she's my girlfriend right now_. I whisper.

"We're about to open presents so go downstairs. I'm going to go in and tell these two as well."

I walk back down and take a seat on the big couch in the living room. I have Ana's gift but I'm not sure on how to give it to her. I don't want to give it in front of everyone.

"Kate, could I speak with you for a moment?"

"Yeah, sure thing."

I walk her to the sunroom that's adjacent to the kitchen.

"I got a gift for Ana for Christmas. I've never really done something like that for someone outside of family and it would mean a lot to me if I could have 5 minutes with her."

Kate smiles at me. "Okay, I'll talk to her and we'll see how she feels about it. I can't make any promises."

"I understand."

Kate and I walk back to the living room and take our seats. We hear Elliot and Ana come into the room right after us. Ana is carrying presents. Five identical boxes wrapped in plain dark green wrapping paper with a cream white ribbon tied around them. She places them on the coffee table.

"Oh honey, you didn't have to get us anything." Grace tells her.

"It's just a little thank you for everything you've done for me. Besides, they've been sitting all wrapped up for a week, I've been dying to give them to you guys." She giggles.

We all go for the gifts under the tree. Grace gets Ana, Kate and Mia spa reservations to the Fairmont for their next hangout. They squeal and giggle and start to make plans after giving Grace big embarrassing bear hugs. Mom gets me, dad and Elliot scarves. I honestly don't know why she insists on getting us gifts. It gets old really quickly.

Elliot gets Mom a perfume and Dad box seats to the next Mariner's game. To say he's over the moon would be an understatement. Kate gets a pair of diamond earrings. He really is serious about her. I guess she too is on the way to becoming family. Mia gets prepaid giftcard to Neimans since he knows she's impossible to please with a gift.

"This better have at least $1000 on it Elliot." Mia laughs. Elliot rolls his eyes.

"Steele, I think you're really going to like your gift." Elliot teases. Ana looks a little embarrassed and takes the box from him.

She opens it with such grace trying not to rip the wrapping paper too much. As soon she takes off the wrapping paper and opens the box she squeals and starts to laugh out loud. It's a karaoke microphone.

She unboxes it and turns it on. "Now I'm never gonna shut up." She sings into it and we all laugh. "Thank you Elliot bhai." Elliot winks at her.

Mia gets Kate and Ana matching bracelets to celebrate their sisterhood. It's adorable to watch them wear them and take a selfie holding up their wrists.

I'm the grump who didn't get anyone presents and as a result everyone knows not to ask me. I show up whenever I'm needed, this trivial stuff isn't my forte.

Kate gets Mom and dad a couples cooking class to learn how to make pasta from scratch. Grace loves it.

Mia gets a backstage pass to join Kate at the Golden Globes and she's over the moon.

"Okay so, not to make this awkward but I got this like 2 weeks ago for both Ana and Christian since Ana has always wanted to go and I'm not sure now but Christian, here. Take it." I take the envelope from here thank her before opening it. It's two tickets to a hot air balloon festival in the spring.

Ana and I exchange a look but she quickly looks away and hugs Kate. "That was very thoughtful Kate."

"Everyone, please continue. I just realized I was supposed to call Nita about 20 minutes ago. I haven't spoken to her since Monday night." She smiles and leaves the room.

I look at Kate "it's okay, she just needs a minute to breathe." She tells me.

Ana's gifts are the last to be opened. I'm nervous as fuck about how this will go.

All the gifts have cards neatly taped to them, our names written in calligraphy. Is there anything she can't do?

We all take our respective presents and proceed to open them one by one. Ana has given us all 8x12 framed images of us from the wedding. Each card has a letter from her.

Grace begins to cry and shows us the picture. It's a black and white image of her and Dad from Friday night where Mom is looking at Dad with tears in her eyes as he kisses her hand. It's so beautiful. She begins to read the letter.

"Grace and Carrick, words cannot express how happy I am to have met you. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives and raising such exceptional children who have brought so much love and joy into mine... you both will always have a special place in my heart.

Love,

Ana."

Mia shows us her picture, it's a black and white image of Mia standing in the middle as Ana and Kate laugh and look at her lovingly. Mia reads the letter Ana wrote with tears in her eyes.

"Mia, I've always wanted a baby sister and while we are only a year apart, I'll never not stop being a big know it all sister and loving you. Thank you for always indulging me and showing me such love and affection. I love you to the moon and back.

Love,

Ana"

Fuck. I don't know if I'll be able to hold it together listening to everyone else's letters.

"Damn, if she makes me cry with her letter ima be so pissed." Elliot half laughs and chokes. He opens his present and it's a black and white image of him and Kate kissing on the dance floor. It's an incredible image. Elliot and Kate beam as they look at it and give each other a kiss.

"Elliot Bhai,

When I met you in Cabo, I instantly knew you were family. Thank you for making me feel safe and always matching my level of party in our little group. Thank you for being the best big brother a girl could ask for and count on.

Love,

Ana"

Elliot wipes a tear. "God dammit. She did it again." We all laugh. I can feel a lump form in my throat.

Kate is already crying as she opens her gift. It's a black and white image of Ana looking at Kate as they sit on one chair in robes, confetti flying everywhere and Kate laughing in the direction of the camera. It's such an editorial shot.

"Kate,

I know we always said we were never going to exchange gifts on Christmas but this year has been life changing in so many ways, both good and bad. You have been my rock through out. I could never have gotten through these past 4 years without you. You have given me strength when I had none, shown me light in the darkest of times and pushed me to be the best version of myself in the face of all odds. I say that you're my sister but what we have is much more than that. It's an unbreakable bond. You are irreplaceable to me. Nani taught me the meaning of life but I finally understood it because of your love and friendship. I am forever in your debt.

Love,

Ana."

Kate and Mia break out in to full blown sobs. Elliot's face is tense as he puts his hand on Kate's shoulder. Carrick wipes a tear and hugs Grace. Fuck, she's got us all in tears. I look down and try to control myself but I can feel my eyes burn.

They all look to me, wanting to see my picture. I unwrap the present and see an image of Ana and I dancing from the wedding. It's a black and white black lit image of Ana and I looking into each other's eyes, her face beaming at me as I smile down at her. People surround us but the focus is solely on us. She didn't show me this last week; I guess she was saving it for today. I rub my forehead and excuse myself as I carry the letter and image upstairs to my room. I need privacy; I can't do this in front of them.

I pass by Ana's room and her door is closed. I walk to mine and close the door and sit on the bed. Tracing her face with my finger. She's look so fucking beautiful. She was completely mine in that moment.

I look at the envelope with my name written on it. I open it and read the letter.

"Christian,

This reminded me of a happier and simpler time. Thank you for showing me what love could be, no matter how short lived it was.

_In the hush, remember us."_

I feel the tears fall from my eyes. I'm such a fucking piece of shit. I blew this. I read the letter again and focus on the italicized last words in calligraphy. I take my phone out and google the words. It shows me that's it's a song by a band called aqualung. I look up to see if the song is in any of Ana's playlists and I find it. I look for my airpods and put them in and press play.

_Baby don't talk, don't say anything  
There's no need, to say anything  
Cause lately when we talk  
We just spin around  
So tonight why don't we just sit and talk  
Let our shadows show us what to do  
What to be _

_And in the hush remember us  
(ooh ooh ooh ooh)_

_Skin across my skin  
Do you feel it burn  
Darling  
In this remembering  
Rememberin' how we used to be  
Oh my, how its suppose to be _

_And then as one we come undone  
We find there's a soulful mind intertwined  
And we find _

_That in the hush remember us  
(ooh ooh ooh ooh)_

_Remember us _

_Baby don't talk, don't say anything  
No need, to say anything  
Cause lately when we talk  
We just spin around  
So tonight just set it down_

I'll always remember, Ana. I promise.

* * *

**Authors note:** I'm not keeping them apart, at least not in the traditional way. This will of course create some more conflict so yaay for more drama but that kind that will really push them to grow.

**Music:**

Roses - Carly Rae Jepsen

Fairweather Friend - Vanessa Carlton

Dil Jalane ki baat - Ali Sethi

Dream a little dream of me - Doris Day

Remember Us - Aqualung.


	19. Chapter 19

**Edit: August 18-2020: Hi Zdsg! thank you your wonderful reviews as you read through my story. I sent you a PM. It may not show up in the fanfic app, so you'll have to log in via the browser/desktop version :)**

A LOT of feeling about the last chapter. A lot of anger towards Ana. I'm suddenly so scared to post future chapters because they will frustrate the hell out of you all. But I guess it's good if we feel conflcted about the characters we read about. Still, thank you for all your reviews and following along this crazy journey I'm on.

One guest review mentioned that Ana feels betrayed by her image of Christian which is a pretty solid theory.

I think it's pretty clear that Ana has no frame of reference in regards to the BDSM lifestyle which is why she's reacting the way she is. I guess the next question, will she ever change her mind about the lifestyle and think rationally or see it only through the lens of her emotions and past trauma? We shall eventually see.

* * *

**CHAPTER 19. – I'm right out here for you, just let me in.**

_Sunday, December 29th, 2019_

**CPOV**

Mia texts me telling me the breakfast is almost ready. I open the door to leave my room and walk past Ana's room and hear her talking on the phone.

"It's okay here... no they are wonderful... I just missed you all a lot and I missed Dad a lot. I don't mean to make you sad either but I can't help feel a little low around this time... I'll be going back home soon, I think I'll be much better once I'm back at work again... Sure, I'll ask her. Kate is great, she and Elliot are getting close and I'm so happy for them, they are perfect for each other... I'll be sure to do that... yeah Christian is fine...nothing happened... mama it's fine, I've just been doing some thinking, I don't think it's going to work out... well isn't it obvious?... Mama I have to be realistic... I'm not Kiran or Aashu, I don't come from money and... I have nothing to my name... I don't think I'm built for this world, I need simpler things... no he didn't say anything, he's been very kind but I'm just realizing that it may not be a good idea to get any more involved with him... "

She lets out a frustrated sigh

"Because mama I am not enough, okay. I know my worth and I just can't go on living in this fools paradise... the wedding was just a façade... my reality is so different from all that... love is not everything mama... yeah but what you and dad had... it was different... no mama they didn't say anything, his parents and siblings are so loving, they really made me feel welcome... but I just have a lot of stuff I need to figure out and I can't move forward with him at this time... yes... yes I know but you're also biased... okay fine, I will call her once I'm back at my apartment... please don't tell her all of this right now, I'll tell her myself... she'll otherwise freak out and want to come back on the next flight. I'm fine... I just had a realization and now need to move on from it before it's too late... okay.. I will... I love you... Khuda Hafiz." _May god guard you._

FUCK. She has already made her decision. I quickly head down the stairs to where Kate and Elliot are setting up the table. Mom had an early shift so Mia is on breakfast duty and Dad is in the TV room catching up on the chaos in the world.

"What happened, is everything okay?" Elliot asks.

"Yeah, I heard her speak to Nita. It's over. She's made her decision." I swallow.

"Christian, she just needs time. This is just her fear talking, plus she has therapy this afternoon, let's see how that goes" Kate tries to convince me other wise.

"I appreciate what you're saying Kate but I think we both know what the real truth is. I fucked this up and now I have to pay the price. I'm not sure it's a good idea I should stick around. I'm going to head back to Escala after dinner tonight." I turn to walk towards the stairs and Elliot stops me.

"Bro, listen to Kate. Ana has been through some heavy shit in the past week and half, she's probably still rattled especially what happened right after Christmas. All our emotions are on high alert, don't make the same kinds of decisions she is. Stick around till the New Year at least."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea Elliot. She doesn't want to see my face. I mean it's so obvious. She's made her decision and I can't do anything to change her mind."

'For fuck's sake Christian, have some fucking patience. She just found out all this harrowing shit and she is struggling to have some semblance of control in her life. I know you're in pain too because you really love her but you know what, this is what happens in relationships. You can't put a time limit on how long a person is allowed to take to process information. So shut up and man the fuck up. I told you you'd be living in the doghouse for a while... so get comfy because this is your rite of passage into emotional adulthood." Kate snaps as she gives me a piece of mind loudly whispering.

"Don't fucking take that tone with me Kate." I am so done with all this shit. I am losing control.

"I will do whatever the fuck I want, Grey. Ana means the world and more to me and you just came into her life, I've been there for the past 4 years, I have seniority and therefore you will fucking deal with my tone especially right now when you are so clearly in the wrong. You kept something really important from her. Go call your shrink and sort your shit out with him. Don't take it out on me. I am on your side and I am trying to get you two back together so don't give me your impatient boardroom attitude. Now go and get the silverware and set up this damn table with us."

She walks away from me to get something from the kitchen and Elliot gives me a wide-eyed look and swallows. He's so fucking whipped, it almost makes me laugh.

Mia calls out to Ana from the stairs and a few minutes later she says good morning but doesn't look anyone in the eye as she takes her seat with Kate and Mia. She barely eats her breakfast and remains silent for the most part and lost in deep thought only speaking when spoken to and mostly playing with her necklace.

I head back up to my room and decide to do some work and catch up on emails. I'm on the phone when I hear a knock and go to open the door. It's Ana. I gesture her to come in as I try my best to get done with this call. Ana stands by the threshold awkwardly. I hold my hand to the phone.

"Ana, please sit." She looks up to me with an expression I can't describe. It's not fear... it's confusion. It's odd.

She sits on the bed near the side table and picks up the picture frame with Mia and I when she was about a toddler and stares at it. I end the call and walk to her. "May I sit with you?" I ask softly. She nods and I sit a little closer to her than last time.

"You look so happy here. I think it's the only picture I've seen in the house where you're actually laughing."

"Mia brought it out of me. She was so tiny when I first met her, only 3 months old. I felt a connection with her as soon she curled her little hand around my finger. Only now, I can't get her to shut the fuck up."

Ana giggles. "Well, she definitely has a lot of energy for sure but it's all pure love. I'm glad you had her growing up."

"I'm glad too."

"Are you busy? I know Sunday's are your day to talk to catch up with the other offices and I don't want to take you away from that."

"No I'm not busy. I was just checking in. Ros can handle the rest if need be."

"Could I ask you to drive me to Dr. Flynn's? I want to give Kate and Elliot a break, Kate has been stuck with me and I feel bad. I told them to go on a lunch date and go grab a movie or something and Mia is heading to her friend Lily's house."

"I'm honored to be of service, Miss Steele." She looks back at me and smiles with beautiful blue eyes. It feels like forever since she's looked at me that way. "Perhaps on the drive back we can get something to eat? I wanted to show you something if that's okay?"

"Sure, depending on how my session goes. I can't promise anything." She says as she puts the picture frame back.

"I understand. I would ask that you wear something a bit warmer though in case we do end up going where I'd like to take you." She nods in agreement.

The drive to John's house is a quiet one. We don't speak at all. No music, just silence. Ana just looks out the window, her leg constantly tapping up and down while her fingers are knotted.

John too has a house on the water. It's a modern architectural oasis; with clean lines, big floor to ceiling windows with contemporary furniture. It's a running joke between us that my sessions alone have paid for the construction.

We walk up to the front door and John greets us.

**APOV**

"Ana! Christian! Good afternoon, welcome to our home. Come on inside." Dr. Flynn says in greeting. I straighten myself and wrap my shawl a bit more. I can't seem to let go of this shawl. It's Nani's and gives me comfort in all the uneasiness and unfamiliarity of what I'm going through.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Flynn, thank you for seeing me today and the past two times at the house. I understand that it's the holidays and to take you away from family... I just really appreciate it." I go on and on in my nervous mumbling once I walk past the door.

"Ana, please. Don't thank me. This is what I do. I really want to help you and Christian. I've been seeing him for about seven years now and I guess, I should probably thank you for all that you've done as well. I've seen a remarkable change in him and it's helped with some important breakthroughs." He smiles at me and Christian gives a small but tense smile.

"I wish I could really appreciate all that but I suppose since I didn't see or experience how he was before, I can't really fully understand the depth of what you're saying."

"That's fair but think of it this way, the people nearest and dearest to him all say the same so there's got to be some truth in it, right?"

"I suppose you're right." I give him a small smile.

"Now, before we start, I wanted to let you know that Christian has signed a document allowing me to discuss his issues with you. I don't fully agree with it because I still think he should tell you things about himself in his own words but I will do whatever I can to aid you in any understanding everything from a professional stand point should you be interested, given recent events."

I nod slowly and look up at Christian and I can see he's a bit uncomfortable. Dr. Flynn escorts him to the library to wait and I walk through into his study to start with the session.

"What would you like to start with today?"

"Um... well, I'm sure Christian told you what happened this weekend." I feel a burning hot lump form in my throat. "I'm just really... embarrassed and ashamed."

"Why are you embarrassed?"

"Because I wasn't in control and I worried everyone and I was reckless."

"Ana, exactly! You weren't in control of your actions. You didn't do this deliberately."

"Still... my brain is messed up and it made me realize that I'm too broken to be with someone like Christian. I can't give him what he needs and I can't make him change his needs for me. It's an unfair ask. I'm just a sad broken girl who's pining for the past and longing for safety and acceptance from people who are either no longer alive or who no longer want me."

"Ana, you are being too hard on yourself. No one out there is perfect. We all have our demons. You must give yourself the grace of time to heal. It's like what I told Kate before I met you for our recent session, what you've just been through is an emotional avalanche. You were given some earth shattering information, given your past, about a person who you have fallen in love with, that too for the first time in your life and your rational mind is really trying to crawl out of it but that can be emotionally exhausting. How did you deal with incidents like this in the past, when in therapy?

"Well, I've never really had any luck with therapy. After the accident, I couldn't speak so there was no way for me to communicate, when I finally did regain my speech, I started going to therapy but I couldn't really talk about it. It just seemed futile. I missed my dad but I had eventually accepted what happened. All those months of quiet and being trapped in my body helped I guess. After my rape, when Kate signed me up for therapy, I was just so angry because for the longest time I didn't know who did this to me. I didn't really like any of my therapists. I had about 3 over the course of my college years... and I'd barely go because I just hated it and also because I couldn't afford it. Then I ran into the same problem when I came to Seattle, I didn't like my therapist all that much and then with the wedding prep and new job, I was just too busy and financially it wasn't feasible... anyway, back then I decided to devote my entire focus into school and working and trying to create a life for myself outside of my family. When I did finally find out who it was... it messed with my brain but I had to move forward. It helped that I was far away from San Francisco and already had an established life and routine far away from him. In terms of my blackouts, this is the first time in almost three years that it's been this bad. Kate really helped me in college and I worked really hard on myself but I guess I didn't work hard enough."

"I see. Did you take any medication?"

"No. I refused to. I was on a million medications during my recovery and I hated it. When I left SF, I wanted to be clean and I wanted to just rebuild myself again without the extra shit."

"Ana, therapy only works if you're committed to it. I understand wanting to self heal but it's okay and frankly sometimes necessary to rely on professionals who can help you. I mean, look at Christian, as accomplished as he is... he's still coming to therapy."

I look away. I know what he's saying is right but I hated being so weak. I wanted to be strong and I always believed that I could overcome anything myself. Dad always said I could overcome anything. I just needed to look inside myself. But I don't see anything anymore. I just see darkness and emptiness.

"Ana, you need time to let things settle right now. A routine will help, having a break from these thoughts and coming at them with a fresh mind and continued therapy to help you really get to the crux of your fears and move forward in a constructive and meaningful way so that you can live a fulfilled life. You can't keep suppressing things because the next time you blackout... what if no one is there to help you?"

Tears are streaming down my face and I nod. He's right. I need time to heal and I need to be away from everything and everyone to try and look at this with a clear mind. I need to focus on making myself better for not just my own safety but for those who love me.

"I understand that our past two sessions have been intense but I would really like to be able to help you but therapy is a two way street. Can we make a deal where you come to therapy regularly for at least the next 6 months and we try our best to get to the root of the most pressing issues you're dealing with?

I silently nod. "Okay, I will try my best. Besides, I think you're funny, none of my other therapists made me laugh. They were too... boring." I giggle.

"Well, I'm honored. All I ask is that you confirm this with Rhian as well. Help build my street cred as you American kids say." He laughs and I can't help but laugh too. "Christian told me that you both has a moment alone to talk. How did that go?"

"I told him that I needed time which I honestly do and he asked me if I loved him to which I said I did but that the feeling of being in love alone is not enough for me anymore. I know it may seem cruel to say but I know relationships take work, love alone doesn't fix everything and it's apparent that I too have to really work on myself."

He jots something down in his notepad and nods.

"Dr. Flynn, can I ask you something about the BDSM lifestyle?

"Sure. I'll try my best to answer it."

"Why do people do it? I don't understand the freedom not having control and the punishment aspect of it."

"Well, in the BDSM culture that Christian was a part of, the idea of freedom in not having control was a lot about having complete trust in the other individual. The freedom that comes from complete submission is from the idea of I suppose completely forgetting your issues for a while. You are someone else in a way. You get a break from all the negativity of life around you. At least that is what Christian got from it. It was too painful for him to hold on to the issues he had and what Elena offered him was a respite from that. What he continued to do with other women was another form of escapism; it gave him focus and direction and a safe way to have sex without being touched. By exerting his will on others, he was able to exercise a level control and safety that he never got in his formative years from his birth mother. In the end the submissive does have all the power because by trusting the Dominant she is allowing him to have control of her. If she doesn't allow him, he cannot exert his will on her and that level of trust has to be earned."

"But... it's still abuse Dr. Flynn."

"For those participating in these activities, it's consensual. They are adults who willing to agree to these arrangements and are content with it. I realize that it can seem jarring if you have come from a background of sexual violence, I completely understand that. It is a valid concern and thought process but Christian doesn't see it that way for himself at least. He refuses to see his relationship with Elena as rape, even though we all know it is, given the age consent and all. As far as the contracted submissives are concerned, again, no one was forced into these contracts, willing and consenting adults took part in these activities. After a while it's a matter of to each their own. "

I look away in frustration. This is all wrong. What he did is wrong. It's fucked up. Dr. Flynn must sense my frustration as he continues to speak.

"Ana, how do you feel about Christian's admission that he doesn't want to partake in the lifestyle anymore and that he doesn't want to pursue that kind of arrangement with you?"

I shrug because I don't know what the fuck to believe. "He can say that all he wants and I'm sure he believes it now but once the novelty of what we have wears off, I'm pretty certain he will run back to that torture chamber with the next willing brunette and whip her. I'm really struggling to reconcile Dominant Christian from the man that I met at the wedding; the loving and caring man he is with me. Those tendencies don't just go away. They could manifest in other ways and I don't know if I would able to handle that."

"I see. Well, I'm sure he told you that he had recently has been having trouble with pursuing the lifestyle?"

"He did mention it briefly during our initial conversation when everything came out that night but I remember very little of that night to be honest. It's all in bits and pieces."

"Well, ever since Christian turned 30 this year and actually a little before that as well, he was struggling because the lifestyle was no longer working for him. I told him that just because something worked for him for 15 years didn't guarantee that it would work for another 15 years. As human beings we are meant to evolve. As much as he tried to fight it, his subconscious has been slowly telling him that this is no longer sustainable. He of course hated this advice but when he met you it made sense to him. Meeting you opened him up the possibilities of what life could be."

I take a deep breath and my mind drifts to Carmel by the Sea but I suddenly brought back to the here and now because I realize that it's still the high of a new relationship.

"Dr. Flynn, I don't want to be an experiment. I don't want a lot from this life. I just want love, I want a husband and children...a famliy, I want a simple life with the simple pleasures and Christian, I don't know if he wants that. He is larger than life for me in every way. I'm a nobody from Montesano and who am I to pressure someone into that, it wouldn't be fair to the both of us." I sob.

"All your desires are valid but you won't know what he wants unless you speak with him and that conversation only matters if and when you're ready to accept his recent admissions and find peace with them in order to move forward together because Ana, everyone has a past. "

"I know. You're right. I can't think of the future when my mind and emotions are scrambling for a sense of peace in the now. I don't hold his past against him entirely. I mean... he was manipulated but then... I don't know, I'm just so exhausted Dr. Flynn. I'm at war with myself and my thoughts." I say looking to the floor. "And now the Grey's are hosting a big over the top New Year's Eve party at their place. I asked to be excused so I could go back to my apartment but they insisted and I feel so indebted to them already."

"Ana, just like you, sometimes people do want you in their lives for the pure joy of just having you around. If this at all was a burden, I'm sure they would've made it known through their behavior. Have they?"

"No not at all. Christian's mother dotes on me, his dad always talks to me and I have such an amazing connection with his siblings. In fact Grace told me that she was indebted to me for the 180 change she saw in her son. She said she'd never a light like that in his eyes." I look up at the Dr. Flynn and he's smiling at me in agreement. He too knows what Grace is talking about. "Christian asked that I be his date to the party but this was before everything happened."

"You don't want to anymore?"

"I don't know. I need time away from him. All of this, what we have... had... it happened to fast and it was too intense. I'm just confused. I know I love him. I do not doubt that. I don't know if I can be with him right now or even in the long run. That's what I'm scared and confused about."

"How about taking it slow? A small break and then slowly meeting him, have a date or two a week, seeing the slow progression of a relationship maybe? Without the sex, just him and you talking and getting to know each other?"

"I wouldn't mind that. As someone who has no sexual experience, I think it makes it easy for me to be manipulated. I don't trust my instincts. Right now, being at his parents house, I'm having trouble thinking clearly because I'm not alone or in a familiar space that has elements of who I am... you know what I mean? I'm essentially just surrounded by his entire life and I need to be in a place and routine that's just me or as much me as it can be, given how I work at GEH. I mean I'm not really attached to him nor do I interact with him so thank God for that." I have to chuckle. Dr. Flynn smiles back.

"That's fair. I think you should communicate that to him. You both are lost in your own heartache. Effectively communicate and clearly define your expectations from him. Right now everything in the air and you both are people who crave control in very different ways."

"You're right, I will do that."

**CPOV**

I'm going through a magazine, when I hear the door to John's office open and see them both walk in. Thank fuck. It's been forever. I hear Ana giggle as she wipes tears from her face. I want to hug her but I just stand up and awkwardly wait for them to walk towards me.

"Before you leave, Ana I want to introduce you to my wife and two children."

"I'd love to meet them but can I first just wash my face, don't want to scare the kids with my puffy red eyes." She smiles and John directs her to the powder room.

"How is she John?"

"She's doing much better. Her thoughts are clearer and articulate now. My advice to you is to be absolutely honest with her should she ever have questions for you and for you to exercise the level of patience that you have been whenever she reaches a final conclusion."

"I overheard her talking to her adoptive mother and essentially telling her we're over." I run my hand through my hair

"Christian, she just needs time and regular therapy. Give her that space."

Ana walks out and we head over to the other side of the house where the TV room and kitchen are. It's a warzone. His son Benjamin is in a highchair smearing pasta all over and barely eating his food. His daughter is in what looks like a princess costume watching an animated movie.

I greet Rhian and introduce her to Ana. They both hit it off, no surprise there. They try to get their daughter Chloe's attention. John pauses the movie and Chloe groans as she gets up and walks over to where we're standing with her mom.

"Chloe, these are dad's friends. Introduce yourself and welcome them please." Rhian calls out to her.

"Hi, I'm Chloe, welcome to our house, what is your name?" She points at me. "My name is Christian." She nods and hides behind her dad's leg. She then points at Ana who crouches down to her level.

"Are you sure your name is Chloe because you remind me of Elsa." Chloe beams at Ana. "My name is Ana but you know what, my grandmother calls me Aana."

"Are you a princess Aana?"

Ana tucks a strand of Chloe's hair behind her ear. It's such a tender moment. "No Elsa, I'm not, I don't have a crown." Ana pouts and laughs. Chloe looks and points to me. "Are you a prince?" I snort. "I don't have a crown either, Chloe." I say. She looks at me with furrowed brows and then grabs hold of Ana's hand and drags her with her towards the TV.

"I'm watching Frozen, come watch with me." Ana looks back and mouths to give her a few minutes. John and Rhian laugh.

I see her sit with Chloe and they watch for a few minutes while Chloe very animatedly tells Ana what's happening the movie. Soon one of the characters starts singing and Chloe sings too, and asks Ana to join in which she does.

_Elsa?  
Do you want to build a snowman?  
Come on, let's go and play!  
I never see you anymore  
Come out the door  
It's like you've gone away_

_We used to be best buddies  
And now we're not  
I wish you would tell me why!_

_Do you want to build a snowman?  
It doesn't have to be a snowman_

_Go away, Anna_

_Okay, bye_

Chloe looks up at Ana and they animatedly sing to each other and throw their arms up. I can't help but smile.

_Do you want to build a snowman?  
Or ride our bike around the halls?  
I think some company is overdue  
I've started talking to  
The pictures on the walls!_

_It gets a little lonely  
All these empty rooms  
Just watching the hours tick by  
(tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock)_

The music swells and becomes sad. Chloe then without warning climbs into Ana's lap and Ana rests her head on hers as they both continue to sing

_Elsa, please I know you're in there  
People are asking where you've been  
They say, "have courage" and I'm trying to  
I'm right out here for you  
Just let me in_

_We only have each other  
It's just you and me  
What are we gonna do?_

_Do you want to build a snowman?_

I feel a little burn in my throat. I am actually feeling emotion from a Disney movie. No, I'm feeling emotion after watching the woman I love have so much love to give even after all the shit I put her through. A child she met mere minutes ago has decided that she is a safe place and crawled into her lap as they both sing together.

I see John and Rhian look at Ana in awe as she whispers something in Chloe's ear. Chloe nods happily and they both walk back to us.

"Rhian, thank you for letting me take up some of Dr. Flynn's time. I really appreciate it." Ana says.

"Nonsense, I was getting tired of him anyway. You did me a favor" Rhian laughs.

"Darling, she actually thought I was funny. Right Ana?"

"Yes, I did."

Rhian snorts. "It's okay Ana, he's hopeless, you don't have to lie for him."

We say our goodbyes and John walks us to our car. I head down the driveway hoping Ana is feeling a bit better.

"Ana, are you hungry?"

"Yeah, I'm starving actually. I'll probably raid the fridge when we get back." She giggles.

"I know a place close to where I wanted to take you, it's a diner we used to frequent as kids when mom would be on call at the hospital. Dad would treat us to milkshakes and burgers and make us lie to mom about it."

Ana laughs. "Sure. I love diner food."

We arrive at the diner and take our seats at the usual Grey family booth. Though I haven't been here with either Elliot or Mia in years, it's a safe place that I have missed. A waitress comes by with menus and I see Ana study it with supreme concentration. She looks adorable. Her ponytail gone loose, hair framing her face as she's wrapped in her usual brown shawl wearing a white-buttoned shirt with the jeans that really complement her ass, fuck, I want her so badly. She's such a vision all the fucking time. I can never get enough. I feel like I'm seeing her after years.

"So what do you usually get?" She asks reading the breakfast section.

"The cheeseburger deluxe with a chocolate milkshake."

"Hmm... okay, I'm torn between the Belgian waffle or the Greek omelet... why is this so hard. I mean I'm hungry the decision should be instant... okay you know what, I'll get something savory to eat and get the chocolate milkshake too. That makes sense." I can't help but chuckle.

"Are you laughing at me Mr. Grey?" she raises an eyebrow trying to suppress a smile.

"No Miss Steele, I'm merely observing your thought process on ordering food." I smile back her.

We give our orders and our milkshakes come out almost immediately.

"Okay you're right, this is amazing. I haven't a milkshake in forever." She nods her head in agreement. "I'm glad you like it, this place was a big part of our lives growing up." I tell her.

"Thank you sharing it with me." She smiles. "No one else I'd rather share it with." God, I want to kiss her so bad right now.

She asks me questions about my room and all the model planes and boats and how I got into them. I tell her about the Grace and how we built it from scratch and she beams in fascination and awe. I tell her how long it took to build and how every summer I take it out with the family for Memorial Day and July 4th.

"I've only been in like the small fishing boats with Ray. I once fell off of it cause I was such a spastic idiot" She laughs and I join her. Her self-deprecation, although bothersome to me, also makes me laugh because she can be such a comedian. Our food arrives and she pours a shit ton of hot sauce and black pepper on her omelet and laughs at my expression of complete horror.

"What's your biggest catch been?" I ask.

"Nothing. Zip. Nada. I never caught anything. I used to talk a shit ton before the accident, like all the time my brain was buzzing and I was always asking questions, I mean, I just wouldn't stop and Ray would be like Annie, shut up you're scaring the fish away." She's almost howling. I so desperately want to kiss her in this moment. "But then I went into another extreme with the accident and recovery and now that I'm out of it I think I'm at a healthy medium. I don't ask as many questions as I used to. I just try to figure out shit on my own." She shrugs and suddenly a lot of things start about her start to make sense to me.

Our conversation flows so easily and it's almost like we're back to normal even though I have a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach given her the conversation I overheard earlier this morning.

We leave the diner and I take her to my secret hideout. When I was old enough to venture out on my own, I'd take my bike and ride for hours. I came across this small pond with water lilies and it was the most beautiful thing I'd seen. It brought me a temporary sense of calm but after Elena came into the picture, I rarely ever visited. I want to show Ana something from my past that isn't tainted by Elena and all the shit she got me into.

"I've never shown anyone this place." I tell her as we walk along the trail.

"Said every serial killer to his victim." She laughs and I have to chuckle. "Miss Steele, you wound me."

We get to the small wood deck that leads out the pond and it's glows in the warmth of the winter sun.

"This is so beautiful Christian. It reminds me of Monet's Water Lilies. I had a print of it in my room growing up." She looks to me smiling with her beautiful blue eyes all lit up except now they look a little green. The light reflects off of the water and dances on her face. She is so breathtaking in this moment. I lean in a little closer.

"You look so beautiful standing here." I hold her face and tears form. I kiss her forehead and pull her into a hug. She doesn't fight it but holds on to me and breathes.

"I've missed you Ana. I'm so sorry." She breaks from the hug but still stands close to me. "I know you are and I've missed you to but there is a lot that we need to figure out."

"I know and we'll take it at your pace. I want you to be comfortable and feel safe with me and I willing to do whatever I can to make that happen."

She nods. "How did you find this place? It seems far from your parents house."

"I used to ride my bike a lot and go out exploring and I came by this place unexpectedly. It gave me a sense of peace and I'd come here a few times a week to just sit and think but then once all that shit started with Elena, I barely was able to visit. I actually haven't been here in years... but when we were seated for Kiran's Hindu ceremony and were in that outdoor space with the big trees and dappled light and hearing you sing, I remembered this place and I've been wanting to show you ever since." She remains quiet just looking out to the water.

"Thank you for sharing it with me." I kiss her cheek this time and her skin is warm, she closes her eyes at my touch. It's like being back at Carmel by the Sea. The way her skin glowed and felt.

"How was your session with Flynn?" she takes a step back and makes to sit on the floor. I join her.

She takes a deep breath. "It was much better. The first two, I was just lost, hurt and angry. I couldn't make sense of my thoughts because of all the emotion I was feeling. Now I'm finding my thoughts slowly." She continues to look out into the pond.

"Ana, I know I have a lot to make up for...I just... I was going to tell you, I just didn't know how given what happened with you..." I can't even complete the fucking sentence. My words fail me. And I just sit there like silent fool

She closes her eyes and proceeds to speak.

"Christian, I feel like we'll just go in circles if we try to make sense of everything now. The best way we can move forward is to be apart from each other. After we return to Seattle, I think we should take a break. No communication, nothing. I need time to gather my thoughts and you need to really think about what you want from this and how you want to move forward in your life. The way we met and how this all started was really intense. Weddings can do that. You get caught up and we were in a bubble and you feel things that may not really be sustainable in your real life. I'm really lost, these feelings I have, I feel like I'm losing myself. What I feel for you is overwhelming that it's hard to breathe sometimes..." she starts to cry. "...I don't know if it's a result of my sexual inexperience and the fact that this is all new... I don't know how much time I need but once I can make sense of all the information I was bombarded with, only then I can slowly come back. We need to get to know each other emotionally; I need to know who you are not just how I feel with you. Adding sex in the mix is making it confusing and it's not fair to me." She takes a deep breath and speaks again.

"I need to get back to a routine and space that is mine. As eternally indebted I am to all of you for taking care of me these past two weeks, it's been extremely hard for me. I was in a space that was only yours. I was surrounded by you in every way and I couldn't find myself. It made me feel very lonely and made me realize I had nowhere to go and hide... and not to mention the fact that I'm now so ashamed of what happened that night on the dock." She shudders.

"Ana, please don't think like that. Please. My family adores and loves you. They've embraced you and won't let go. You've brought us all closer together, possibly more than we were when I was growing up. I was always a disappointment growing up but then once I started doing well in school and the business became successful, they'd tell me they were proud of me... then after what happened with you. I've never seen them so disappointed in me. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I find it hard to look them in the eye..."

"They're disappointed in you because they love you so much Christian. I wish you could see it, because I do. Grace came to talk to me and she was crying and it was so hard for me to see her like that. I see the pain in her eyes, she loves you so much Christian and she's so heartbroken that her baby lost out on the potential of finding love and affection so early on in life. Carrick told me that he has waited to see you find peace and he sees that in your eyes when we're together. I see their pain and their longing Christian, and it tears my heart into pieces because I know what it's like to be in a constant state of longing.

You can say it all you want that what Elena did to you was what you wanted but at 15 years old you didn't know jack shit about the world. I'm 24 and I'm still stumbling. You only knew your trauma and that woman manipulated you into making you think you didn't deserve a normal and healthy relationship filled with love. She isolated you from yourself and your family. That's what Vishaal did to me. He was my brother and he promised to protect me but he manipulated me and he took advantage of me at my weakest, taking away my sense of security in life." She takes a deep breath, trying to stop a new wave of tears." In the end what happened to us, whether it was against our will or not, there is no denying that it was wrong. You can fight me on this but one day you will realize it and I honestly hope for yours and your family's sake it's not too late...because you are more than what Elena did to you, you deserve so much more in this life... "

I can't find my words because only hers resound loudly in my head.

She looks to me, tear stained. "I need you to promise me that once we return to Seattle you will give me space. I know I work at GEH and I will be respectful and civil should we cross paths but in my personal life I need us to be completely separate. I know Elliot and Kate are together and Mia and I are close but I cannot spend time with you alone. I need to go to therapy and figure this out. You need to figure stuff out too and there is a chance that I might choose to never come back. I have to put myself first because I only have myself. I made a deal with Flynn to commit to regular therapy for the next 6 months and for once I want to really follow through with it."

I feel my eyes burn as I look out to the water. I can't look her in the eye.

"I promise. I will stay away."

"Thank you."

"Can I ask for a small favor?" I say, treading lightly. "Sure."

"You're here for two more days. Can we still talk and spend time together? If you decide that you never want to come back at the end of all this, I'll understand but I want as many memories as I can get with you. Will you still be my date to the New Year's Eve party?"

She takes a breath and pauses for a moment.

"Yes I'll be your date and we can spend time together. I've never been kissed at midnight anyway so I might as well use you while I can." She giggles while wiping away her tears as she tries to get up. I stand with her and we take one last look at the sun setting over the pond.

"Kate and Elliot won't be back till 8pm or so and Mia is still at Lilly's, you want to watch a comedy special with me when we get home? I want to laugh for a bit" Ana asks me.

"Sure, I've never watched one really."

"Wait, you've never watched a comedy special? Oh I forgot you don't really watch TV. Well, allow me to educate you Mr. Grey!"

"I'm eager to learn Miss Steele. I'm sure mom has popcorn in the pantry." I chuckle.

We get home and it's about 5:30. Mom is in the kitchen helping Gretchen with dinner when we walk in. She looks at us, smiles and gives me a wink. Ana walks into the pantry and looks for the popcorn and asks me to melt the butter. I look at her like she has two heads and she laughs as soon as she remembers how useless I am in the kitchen.

"We should watch the show on the TV downstairs... most comedy specials are really crass." She whispers and giggles.

"Miss Steele, I thought you were a lady."

"Lady on the outside but shameless on the inside." She winks. My playful Ana is back. God I want to kiss the living shit out of her right now.

We sit on the couch and I give her the remote to choose what to watch. She opens up Netflix and tells me that she has tons of shows she's been meaning to watch. She settles on a comedy special called Disgraceful.

For the next hour, I'm treated to Ana's unabashed laughter and giggles till the point there were tears in her eyes. At one point she laughed so hard she couldn't breathe, she falls onto me at times as I kissed her hair and sometimes held her hand. The comedian was actually funny, I found myself laughing too. I love that I had this experience with her.

At one point, I got up to get another beer. She paused the special and asked me to hurry back.

"Ana's feeling better?" Mom asks looking visibly relaxed.

"Yeah she had a good day at therapy and we talked as well, I took her to Eloise's and then we went for a walk. We still have a long way to go but at least she's talking to me."

She pats my arm "I'm glad to hear that son. It's also wonderful to hear her laughing and see you smiling again."

...

I had asked Ana if we could spend some more time talking after dinner at the poolhouse. It's definitely one of my favorite things about mom and dad's place. Mom got her love for horticulture from Grandpa Theo and growing up it was one of my favorite things to do with them both. With Grandpa Theo, it was looking after the orchards and learning how to learn the value of time and growth, these were principles I did my best to rely on when growing GEH.

It's a cold night but we walk hand in hand to the poolhouse.

"I actually wanted to show you the poolhouse when we came for dinner the first time but you all were so engrossed in conversation that I thought maybe next time." I say.

"Well, I guess we got here in the end." She smiles back at me as I open the door that leads to the upper level to Grace's little oasis.

"This really is a beautiful space, even at night." She comments. "I like it has this big skylight so it's always illuminated."

It isn't a full moon, but there's enough moonlight pouring through. We take our places on the couch and Ana immediately tips her head back on the back of the sofa and looks up. I sit right next to her and do the same.

She takes a deep breath. "So Mr. Grey, what did you want to talk about?"

"Miss Steele, I just missed talking to you."

"I missed talking to you too... maybe we should come up with a game."

"Game?"

"Yeah, I was talking to Dr. Flynn today and he suggested that in addition to my wanting to take some time off that we should slowly work towards maybe having a date or two a week and talk when I'm feeling a little better... just get to know each other. No sex in the mix given my inexperience and confusion, so I was thinking on the drive home maybe we can come up with something were we ask each other a set number of questions but like... maybe 4 questions, two about heavy topics and two about light topics like... I don't know... like, what's your least favorite vegetable? Mine is turnips." She giggles.

"Of course, Flynn suggested no sex. The fucker." I laugh.

"He's suggested it before?"

"Yeah, he thinks I rely on it too much to communicate or not communicate, if that makes sense."

"Now that I think about it, I think it does." She says dryly.

"Does it bother you?"

"A little bit but I also understand that men and women are just different. We process information very differently but then again, you just expressed a desire to want to talk to me, so maybe you're changing Mr. Grey?"

"Before you, I never talked this much... in my life. I mean, I just kept to myself. The only conversations I had were to the point. I wasn't interested in the... noise."

She laughs. "So I'm noise, huh? It's okay... Ray used to say the same."

"But I like hearing you talk and I want more of it. It's the only 'noise' I want in my life."

She laughs out loud. "You don't know what level of hell you're asking for. I can talk up a storm if I wanted to."

I chuckle. "Do your worst Miss Steele. I can handle it."

"So four questions. Two serious questions and two easy, fluff ones. Would you like to do the honors?" She looks to me.

"Ladies, first." I smile at her.

"Okay, what did you want to be when you grew up?"

I take a minute to think... "Well, I always wanted to have a shit ton of money and control but there was a small part of me that wanted to just sail the world. Take the boat out and be on the water. Or have an orchard, I like the idea of watching things grow."

"Like your grandfather?"

"Yeah."

"Sailing the world sounds like fun but also sounds incredibly lonely."

"I liked being alone. What about you Miss Steele, what did you want to be?"

"Well, so many things, I wanted to be a radio jockey at one point because I loved talking about music, then a racecar driver, an astronaut, a nurse because I loved babies... then I didn't have any real direction for a while."

"You wanted to be a racecar driver?"

"I told you, I like fast cars Mr. Grey. Ray taught me how to drive at 13, just in case. Also, I think to shut me up and get me to focus on something, given my gift of the constant gab." She giggles and fuck, I've missed that sound and smart mouth.

"You're a wonder Miss Steele." She gives me a shy smile.

"Your turn Mr. Grey."

"I asked you what you wanted to be."

"Oh sorry, actually, depending on who asks the questions we both have to answer it, if applicable." She says

"Okay then, I'm going to ask a serious question." I look to her and she closes her eyes, her face still facing up to the sky light. She opens her eyes, looks at me and nods apprehensively.

"When we had sex the first time, I didn't hurt you did I?"

She closes her eyes for a few seconds again and sits up. "I know Kate told you everything. She told me on Christmas morning after I went up. It's one of the reasons why I didn't come down. I mean, I understand why she did, I'm still a little pissed at her but I also know that I would've done the exact same... that being said, I know why you're asking and the answer is no. You didn't. I mean yes, it hurt a little but you have to understand that given what I've been through in both those instances, my pain threshold is really high now. Burns, cuts and stuff don't really register sometimes unless I see physical evidence. Paper cuts still hurt like a bitch though." She giggles. "The pain went away. There was some soreness but I got over it really quickly and also, you think I would've let your ignoble self come back to my suite if you hurt me?" She looks at me laughing.

"A point well made Miss Steele." I chuckle. "Why didn't you tell me the extent of what happened to you Ana?"

"Well, because of the way you're looking at me right now and the way your family now looks at me. And the way my own family has been looking at me for the past 7 years since the accident. Like I'm some fucking china doll about to shatter into a million pieces. You wanted to murder that son of bitch when I had only mentioned the rape. If I had told you how bad it was..." A slight shiver runs through her and she rubs her face. "Listen to me, you guys are the only ones aside from Kate and the handful of therapists I had in Portland who know about the extent of how badly I was raped... I just didn't want to relive it by telling you the details. That's why I've never tell any of my other friends about the accident and other shit. I don't need them looking at me with pity."

I stare at the floor and breathe, trying to remain calm.

"He needs to pay for what he did."

"It's not worth it."

"Why do you keeping saying that? He needs to fucking die for what he did."

She sits up and looks at me. "Look at me Christian... you know why I choose to do nothing, because it will never be fucking enough. I could murder him with my bare hands, watch him take his last breath and bury him in the ground and it will NEVER be enough to take away the pain and horror of what I felt and went through until I physically healed, which felt like it took forever... I won't even go into the emotional shit I had to work through. So it's better for me to not even open that Pandora's box. I had kept it neatly tucked away up until recently. I just have to wait for nature to take its course and pray to god for strength and patience." She says with tears forming in her eyes and looks away.

"I don't know how the fuck you can pray to god when if he even exists, let this happen to you." I scoff.

"Free will, Christian. The accident happened, just an unfortunate event that no one had control over. The rape? That shit was a result of decision he made to hurt me. He wanted to hurt me. That shit was done to me on purpose. People are evil. There's a concept of pre-destination in Islam that some believe everything is written out for you upon conception but that God also gave us free will, the power to change our destiny should we choose. Some choices we make affect the outcome more than others. So yeah, he had the choice to bring me home safely but he chose not to. I'm not explaining this right but what I'm trying to say is that, all the trauma I've been through has never made question my faith but it has made me question people. Just let it go Christian, it's all in the past. I need to move on from all this shit and focus on my future where one day his presence or name will not affect me at all."

I take a deep breath and cradle my head. I need to find something on that motherfucker. I need to bury him myself.

"Christian, look at me." I turn and look at her. "Let's talk about something else. I'll ask a lighter question?"

I nod.

"Tell me about your trip to India?" She smiles.

I sit back. "Well, it was pretty fucking hot and I was a little bitch about it." Ana laughs out loud.

"Why? You didn't like it at all?"

"I didn't really take it in. The heat was too much for me and then seeing the poverty, that got to me. It reminded me of my childhood... but it had beautiful moments for sure. The Taj Mahal was beautiful. The colors were... they were beautiful everywhere. There was a lot of life, I had never seen anything like it."

"You're so lucky, you got to see it. I hope I can visit one day." She smiles at me.

"We can go one day."

She takes a deep breath and her face falls. "Yeah, one day."

"Aside from India and Italy, what's another place you really want to visit?"

"Hmm, I really want to visit the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland. I heard this instrumental once and for some reason, even though I've never visited the place, I imagine that's what it will feel like once I finally do. I also really want to visit Kashmir and Pakistan" She muses. I love how her mind words sometimes.

"You?"

"I've never been to Chile or Finland."

"Ooooh, those are good ones. I have them pinned on my map too." She giggles. I lean in and give her a chaste kiss because I can't help myself. I hover over her lips when I'm done she leans in her forehead to touch mine. She brings her lips closer to mine again kisses me. I try my best not to take over, I need to keep myself in check. I let her take control of the kiss. It's slow and tender and she takes her time. I can sense her nerves so I bring my hands to her face and she holds my wrists and breaks away but she gives me a small smile.

"It's my turn to ask a question now." She says and I nod. We pull away but we're still holding hands.

"Does it hurt when someone touches your chest, your scars I mean?" She asks carefully.

"It reminds me of the sensation of burning. It causes a sense of panic and in general it's an ugly reminder of the past."

"I'm so sorry you went through that. I wish I could take your pain away." She says with head hanging low and tears fall.

Her words cause a lump to form in my throat. Fuck. No Ana, don't cry for me.

"Ana, my trauma pales in comparison to what you've been through."

"Christian, you can't compare them. What you went through was horrific. You were a child, a baby, you couldn't defend yourself and that feeling in itself is so traumatic. No child or adult should ever feel that helpless and afraid." She leans in and hugs me, holding me tight. "I'm so sorry." She whispers. I lean in and inhale her scent trying to keep my emotions at bay. Home. She feels like home.

We sit like this for a while. "Miss Steele, I believe it's my turn to ask another serious question."

She breaks away and nods, wiping away tears. I want to ask her about feelings about what she's recently found out about me but I decide against it. Maybe I can broach that subject tomorrow if she agrees to do this again.

"Do you have nightmares as a result of what happened?"

She looks down and takes a deep breath.

"I have some recurring dreams. I haven't had any crazy nightmares since the time Kate found me in the begining. Even then, those nightmares never really made any sense. I couldn't really see anything it was just I think my body reacting to the pain I was in..." She stops for a few seconds and then speaks again. "I have this one recurring dream. I don't know if it's a memory or just an amalgamation of what my brain thinks happened but all I can see is this clear night sky with the stars shining brightly but at the same time I feel like I'm floating and I see smoke rising in my periphery and red and blue flashing lights... and I hear this sound of a piercing scream. I don't know if it's me that's screaming or someone else. I've had the same dream so many times and each time I wake up and actually this is in general whenever I wake up from sleep the first thing I do is check all my limbs and confirm that I can move because I woke up everyday after the coma wishing that it was a bad nightmare that when I did finally regain control of my body, I'd then wake up making sure it was real. It fucked with my brain." Her voice is strained. I pick up her hand and kiss it.

"You have nightmares too, right? What are they about? Have you been sleeping at all since you've been here?"

"Since we met, I haven't had my usual nightmares or night terrors. They used to be really bad. They were just memories of the abuse I suffered at the hands of the crackwhore's pimps and customers. Then we met and for some reason, I would have dreams but they're still confusing. I don't wake up in a panic but it's still feels... unfamiliar. Listening to you sing really helps. When you sent me those memos in Tokyo, I've listened to them every night and it helps a little. I haven't really slept, I've just been thinking so it's not terrors that keep me awake just... an overactive brain. Having you next to me, even when I do wake up, I feel rested. Before you, I was lucky if I'd get 3 hours of sleep a night. I'd never slept a 6 hour stretch since before I met you. Not even when I was a child. I'd wake up screaming the house down and would barely get 3-4 hours a night."

She holds my hand. "I haven't really been sleeping that much either. My brain is in overdrive." She sighs. "We could sleep together tonight? I'm sure Kate could use the break as well. Her sleep schedule has been compromised because of me."

"Ana, you don't have to. I'm used to not sleeping and I know you probably really miss your own space and bed. As much as I miss you, I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything."

"I know that. I wasn't offering that because I feel like I owed you anything. I miss you too and if we're going to spend these two days together then if we can get a decent night's sleep out of it then why not? We're not having sex; it's just sharing a bed. Unless your mom and dad are conservative about that stuff?"

I snort. "Ana, we're adults, it's none of their business. Unless of course, we did decided to have really loud sex."

She laughs out loud. "Oh god... I can already see the horror on their faces."

"Are you blushing Miss Steele? I thought you were shameless."

"Apparently not enough." She sasses back giggling.

"Come, Miss Steele. I've never slept with a girl in my childhood room. I'd like to get you in my bed before you change your mind." I smirk.

"Wait, really? Never?"

"Never. Another first."

"God, we're so lame but I'm honored to have this accolade added to my resume Mr. Grey." She giggles.

We walk back hand in hand. She's slowly coming back to me, I muse. The house is quiet. Kate and Elliot are watching TV with Mia. Ana tells her that she'll spend the night with me and gives her a hug. Elliot the fucker he is wiggles his eyebrows at me and I tell him to fuck off. He's such a child.

I wait for Ana in my room and she walks in wearing panda pajamas and an oversized WSU t-shirt.

"You have pandas on your pajamas." I chuckle.

"Glad to know you still have good vision in your old age."

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Miss Steele."

"... but the highest form of intelligence, Mr. Grey." She sticks her tongue out. "Which side is yours?"

"The one closest to the door."

"Okay cool, I like sleeping next to a window anyway." She walks over to the other side of the bed, gets in and looks straight up. "You know, this feels like a sleepover, like I'm in high school or something." She laughs.

I turn off the lights and get into bed and kiss her cheek and pull her back to me.

"Give that smart mouth a rest Miss Steele."

"My brain isn't tired though." I kiss her neck and it makes her giggle.

"I know, but sleep. We both haven't in the past few days." I kiss her temple and she sighs. "Okay, good night."

"Goodnight baby. I love you." I pull in closer and lean into her neck.

"I love you."

Home. This may be short lived but...

Finally.

Home.

* * *

**Authors note: **If have two versions of the next chapter. One where they have another conversation like this where they ask each other 4 questions and one where they don't and the story just blends into NYE day and night. Let me know which one you prefer! I feel like I owe you guys for the emotional rollercoaster i've put you through these last few chapters.

**Music:**

Do You Wanna Build A Snowman - OST Frozen.


	20. Chapter 20

A LOT of feeling about the last chapter. A lot of anger towards Ana. I'm suddenly so scared to post future chapters because they will frustrate the hell out of you all. But I guess it's good if we feel conflcted about the characters we read about. Still, thank you for all your reviews and following along this crazy journey I'm on.

One guest review mentioned that Ana feels betrayed by her image of Christian which is a pretty solid theory.

I think it's pretty clear that Ana has no frame of reference in regards to the BDSM lifestyle which is why she's reacting the way she is. I guess the next question, will she ever change her mind about the lifestyle and think rationally or see it only through the lens of her emotions and past trauma? We shall eventually see.

* * *

CHAPTER 19. – I'm right out here for you, just let me in.

_Sunday, December 29th, 2019_

**CPOV**

Mia texts me telling me the breakfast is almost ready. I open the door to leave my room and walk past Ana's room and hear her talking on the phone.

"It's okay here... no they are wonderful... I just missed you all a lot and I missed Dad a lot. I don't mean to make you sad either but I can't help feel a little low around this time... I'll be going back home soon, I think I'll be much better once I'm back at work again... Sure, I'll ask her. Kate is great, she and Elliot are getting close and I'm so happy for them, they are perfect for each other... I'll be sure to do that... yeah Christian is fine...nothing happened... mama it's fine, I've just been doing some thinking, I don't think it's going to work out... well isn't it obvious?... Mama I have to be realistic... I'm not Kiran or Aashu, I don't come from money and... I have nothing to my name... I don't think I'm built for this world, I need simpler things... no he didn't say anything, he's been very kind but I'm just realizing that it may not be a good idea to get any more involved with him... "

She lets out a frustrated sigh

"Because mama I am not enough, okay. I know my worth and I just can't go on living in this fools paradise... the wedding was just a façade... my reality is so different from all that... love is not everything mama... yeah but what you and dad had... it was different... no mama they didn't say anything, his parents and siblings are so loving, they really made me feel welcome... but I just have a lot of stuff I need to figure out and I can't move forward with him at this time... yes... yes I know but you're also biased... okay fine, I will call her once I'm back at my apartment... please don't tell her all of this right now, I'll tell her myself... she'll otherwise freak out and want to come back on the next flight. I'm fine... I just had a realization and now need to move on from it before it's too late... okay.. I will... I love you... Khuda Hafiz." _May god guard you._

FUCK. She has already made her decision. I quickly head down the stairs to where Kate and Elliot are setting up the table. Mom had an early shift so Mia is on breakfast duty and Dad is in the TV room catching up on the chaos in the world.

"What happened, is everything okay?" Elliot asks.

"Yeah, I heard her speak to Nita. It's over. She's made her decision." I swallow.

"Christian, she just needs time. This is just her fear talking, plus she has therapy this afternoon, let's see how that goes" Kate tries to convince me other wise.

"I appreciate what you're saying Kate but I think we both know what the real truth is. I fucked this up and now I have to pay the price. I'm not sure it's a good idea I should stick around. I'm going to head back to Escala after dinner tonight." I turn to walk towards the stairs and Elliot stops me.

"Bro, listen to Kate. Ana has been through some heavy shit in the past week and half, she's probably still rattled especially what happened right after Christmas. All our emotions are on high alert, don't make the same kinds of decisions she is. Stick around till the New Year at least."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea Elliot. She doesn't want to see my face. I mean it's so obvious. She's made her decision and I can't do anything to change her mind."

'For fuck's sake Christian, have some fucking patience. She just found out all this harrowing shit and she is struggling to have some semblance of control in her life. I know you're in pain too because you really love her but you know what, this is what happens in relationships. You can't put a time limit on how long a person is allowed to take to process information. So shut up and man the fuck up. I told you you'd be living in the doghouse for a while... so get comfy because this is your rite of passage into emotional adulthood." Kate snaps as she gives me a piece of mind loudly whispering.

"Don't fucking take that tone with me Kate." I am so done with all this shit. I am losing control.

"I will do whatever the fuck I want, Grey. Ana means the world and more to me and you just came into her life, I've been there for the past 4 years, I have seniority and therefore you will fucking deal with my tone especially right now when you are so clearly in the wrong. You kept something really important from her. Go call your shrink and sort your shit out with him. Don't take it out on me. I am on your side and I am trying to get you two back together so don't give me your impatient boardroom attitude. Now go and get the silverware and set up this damn table with us."

She walks away from me to get something from the kitchen and Elliot gives me a wide-eyed look and swallows. He's so fucking whipped, it almost makes me laugh.

Mia calls out to Ana from the stairs and a few minutes later she says good morning but doesn't look anyone in the eye as she takes her seat with Kate and Mia. She barely eats her breakfast and remains silent for the most part and lost in deep thought only speaking when spoken to and mostly playing with her necklace.

I head back up to my room and decide to do some work and catch up on emails. I'm on the phone when I hear a knock and go to open the door. It's Ana. I gesture her to come in as I try my best to get done with this call. Ana stands by the threshold awkwardly. I hold my hand to the phone.

"Ana, please sit." She looks up to me with an expression I can't describe. It's not fear... it's confusion. It's odd.

She sits on the bed near the side table and picks up the picture frame with Mia and I when she was about a toddler and stares at it. I end the call and walk to her. "May I sit with you?" I ask softly. She nods and I sit a little closer to her than last time.

"You look so happy here. I think it's the only picture I've seen in the house where you're actually laughing."

"Mia brought it out of me. She was so tiny when I first met her, only 3 months old. I felt a connection with her as soon she curled her little hand around my finger. Only now, I can't get her to shut the fuck up."

Ana giggles. "Well, she definitely has a lot of energy for sure but it's all pure love. I'm glad you had her growing up."

"I'm glad too."

"Are you busy? I know Sunday's are your day to talk to catch up with the other offices and I don't want to take you away from that."

"No I'm not busy. I was just checking in. Ros can handle the rest if need be."

"Could I ask you to drive me to Dr. Flynn's? I want to give Kate and Elliot a break, Kate has been stuck with me and I feel bad. I told them to go on a lunch date and go grab a movie or something and Mia is heading to her friend Lily's house."

"I'm honored to be of service, Miss Steele." She looks back at me and smiles with beautiful blue eyes. It feels like forever since she's looked at me that way. "Perhaps on the drive back we can get something to eat? I wanted to show you something if that's okay?"

"Sure, depending on how my session goes. I can't promise anything." She says as she puts the picture frame back.

"I understand. I would ask that you wear something a bit warmer though in case we do end up going where I'd like to take you." She nods in agreement.

The drive to John's house is a quiet one. We don't speak at all. No music, just silence. Ana just looks out the window, her leg constantly tapping up and down while her fingers are knotted.

John too has a house on the water. It's a modern architectural oasis; with clean lines, big floor to ceiling windows with contemporary furniture. It's a running joke between us that my sessions alone have paid for the construction.

We walk up to the front door and John greets us.

**APOV**

"Ana! Christian! Good afternoon, welcome to our home. Come on inside." Dr. Flynn says in greeting. I straighten myself and wrap my shawl a bit more. I can't seem to let go of this shawl. It's Nani's and gives me comfort in all the uneasiness and unfamiliarity of what I'm going through.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Flynn, thank you for seeing me today and the past two times at the house. I understand that it's the holidays and to take you away from family... I just really appreciate it." I go on and on in my nervous mumbling once I walk past the door.

"Ana, please. Don't thank me. This is what I do. I really want to help you and Christian. I've been seeing him for about seven years now and I guess, I should probably thank you for all that you've done as well. I've seen a remarkable change in him and it's helped with some important breakthroughs." He smiles at me and Christian gives a small but tense smile.

"I wish I could really appreciate all that but I suppose since I didn't see or experience how he was before, I can't really fully understand the depth of what you're saying."

"That's fair but think of it this way, the people nearest and dearest to him all say the same so there's got to be some truth in it, right?"

"I suppose you're right." I give him a small smile.

"Now, before we start, I wanted to let you know that Christian has signed a document allowing me to discuss his issues with you. I don't fully agree with it because I still think he should tell you things about himself in his own words but I will do whatever I can to aid you in any understanding everything from a professional stand point should you be interested, given recent events."

I nod slowly and look up at Christian and I can see he's a bit uncomfortable. Dr. Flynn escorts him to the library to wait and I walk through into his study to start with the session.

"What would you like to start with today?"

"Um... well, I'm sure Christian told you what happened this weekend." I feel a burning hot lump form in my throat. "I'm just really... embarrassed and ashamed."

"Why are you embarrassed?"

"Because I wasn't in control and I worried everyone and I was reckless."

"Ana, exactly! You weren't in control of your actions. You didn't do this deliberately."

"Still... my brain is messed up and it made me realize that I'm too broken to be with someone like Christian. I can't give him what he needs and I can't make him change his needs for me. It's an unfair ask. I'm just a sad broken girl who's pining for the past and longing for safety and acceptance from people who are either no longer alive or who no longer want me."

"Ana, you are being too hard on yourself. No one out there is perfect. We all have our demons. You must give yourself the grace of time to heal. It's like what I told Kate before I met you for our recent session, what you've just been through is an emotional avalanche. You were given some earth shattering information, given your past, about a person who you have fallen in love with, that too for the first time in your life and your rational mind is really trying to crawl out of it but that can be emotionally exhausting. How did you deal with incidents like this in the past, when in therapy?

"Well, I've never really had any luck with therapy. After the accident, I couldn't speak so there was no way for me to communicate, when I finally did regain my speech, I started going to therapy but I couldn't really talk about it. It just seemed futile. I missed my dad but I had eventually accepted what happened. All those months of quiet and being trapped in my body helped I guess. After my rape, when Kate signed me up for therapy, I was just so angry because for the longest time I didn't know who did this to me. I didn't really like any of my therapists. I had about 3 over the course of my college years... and I'd barely go because I just hated it and also because I couldn't afford it. Then I ran into the same problem when I came to Seattle, I didn't like my therapist all that much and then with the wedding prep and new job, I was just too busy and financially it wasn't feasible... anyway, back then I decided to devote my entire focus into school and working and trying to create a life for myself outside of my family. When I did finally find out who it was... it messed with my brain but I had to move forward. It helped that I was far away from San Francisco and already had an established life and routine far away from him. In terms of my blackouts, this is the first time in almost three years that it's been this bad. Kate really helped me in college and I worked really hard on myself but I guess I didn't work hard enough."

"I see. Did you take any medication?"

"No. I refused to. I was on a million medications during my recovery and I hated it. When I left SF, I wanted to be clean and I wanted to just rebuild myself again without the extra shit."

"Ana, therapy only works if you're committed to it. I understand wanting to self heal but it's okay and frankly sometimes necessary to rely on professionals who can help you. I mean, look at Christian, as accomplished as he is... he's still coming to therapy."

I look away. I know what he's saying is right but I hated being so weak. I wanted to be strong and I always believed that I could overcome anything myself. Dad always said I could overcome anything. I just needed to look inside myself. But I don't see anything anymore. I just see darkness and emptiness.

"Ana, you need time to let things settle right now. A routine will help, having a break from these thoughts and coming at them with a fresh mind and continued therapy to help you really get to the crux of your fears and move forward in a constructive and meaningful way so that you can live a fulfilled life. You can't keep suppressing things because the next time you blackout... what if no one is there to help you?"

Tears are streaming down my face and I nod. He's right. I need time to heal and I need to be away from everything and everyone to try and look at this with a clear mind. I need to focus on making myself better for not just my own safety but for those who love me.

"I understand that our past two sessions have been intense but I would really like to be able to help you but therapy is a two way street. Can we make a deal where you come to therapy regularly for at least the next 6 months and we try our best to get to the root of the most pressing issues you're dealing with?

I silently nod. "Okay, I will try my best. Besides, I think you're funny, none of my other therapists made me laugh. They were too... boring." I giggle.

"Well, I'm honored. All I ask is that you confirm this with Rhian as well. Help build my street cred as you American kids say." He laughs and I can't help but laugh too. "Christian told me that you both has a moment alone to talk. How did that go?"

"I told him that I needed time which I honestly do and he asked me if I loved him to which I said I did but that the feeling of being in love alone is not enough for me anymore. I know it may seem cruel to say but I know relationships take work, love alone doesn't fix everything and it's apparent that I too have to really work on myself."

He jots something down in his notepad and nods.

"Dr. Flynn, can I ask you something about the BDSM lifestyle?

"Sure. I'll try my best to answer it."

"Why do people do it? I don't understand the freedom not having control and the punishment aspect of it."

"Well, in the BDSM culture that Christian was a part of, the idea of freedom in not having control was a lot about having complete trust in the other individual. The freedom that comes from complete submission is from the idea of I suppose completely forgetting your issues for a while. You are someone else in a way. You get a break from all the negativity of life around you. At least that is what Christian got from it. It was too painful for him to hold on to the issues he had and what Elena offered him was a respite from that. What he continued to do with other women was another form of escapism; it gave him focus and direction and a safe way to have sex without being touched. By exerting his will on others, he was able to exercise a level control and safety that he never got in his formative years from his birth mother. In the end the submissive does have all the power because by trusting the Dominant she is allowing him to have control of her. If she doesn't allow him, he cannot exert his will on her and that level of trust has to be earned."

"But... it's still abuse Dr. Flynn."

"For those participating in these activities, it's consensual. They are adults who willing to agree to these arrangements and are content with it. I realize that it can seem jarring if you have come from a background of sexual violence, I completely understand that. It is a valid concern and thought process but Christian doesn't see it that way for himself at least. He refuses to see his relationship with Elena as rape, even though we all know it is, given the age consent and all. As far as the contracted submissives are concerned, again, no one was forced into these contracts, willing and consenting adults took part in these activities. After a while it's a matter of to each their own. "

I look away in frustration. This is all wrong. What he did is wrong. It's fucked up. Dr. Flynn must sense my frustration as he continues to speak.

"Ana, how do you feel about Christian's admission that he doesn't want to partake in the lifestyle anymore and that he doesn't want to pursue that kind of arrangement with you?"

I shrug because I don't know what the fuck to believe. "He can say that all he wants and I'm sure he believes it now but once the novelty of what we have wears off, I'm pretty certain he will run back to that torture chamber with the next willing brunette and whip her. I'm really struggling to reconcile Dominant Christian from the man that I met at the wedding; the loving and caring man he is with me. Those tendencies don't just go away. They could manifest in other ways and I don't know if I would able to handle that."

"I see. Well, I'm sure he told you that he had recently has been having trouble with pursuing the lifestyle?"

"He did mention it briefly during our initial conversation when everything came out that night but I remember very little of that night to be honest. It's all in bits and pieces."

"Well, ever since Christian turned 30 this year and actually a little before that as well, he was struggling because the lifestyle was no longer working for him. I told him that just because something worked for him for 15 years didn't guarantee that it would work for another 15 years. As human beings we are meant to evolve. As much as he tried to fight it, his subconscious has been slowly telling him that this is no longer sustainable. He of course hated this advice but when he met you it made sense to him. Meeting you opened him up the possibilities of what life could be."

I take a deep breath and my mind drifts to Carmel by the Sea but I suddenly brought back to the here and now because I realize that it's still the high of a new relationship.

"Dr. Flynn, I don't want to be an experiment. I don't want a lot from this life. I just want love, I want a husband and children...a famliy, I want a simple life with the simple pleasures and Christian, I don't know if he wants that. He is larger than life for me in every way. I'm a nobody from Montesano and who am I to pressure someone into that, it wouldn't be fair to the both of us." I sob.

"All your desires are valid but you won't know what he wants unless you speak with him and that conversation only matters if and when you're ready to accept his recent admissions and find peace with them in order to move forward together because Ana, everyone has a past. "

"I know. You're right. I can't think of the future when my mind and emotions are scrambling for a sense of peace in the now. I don't hold his past against him entirely. I mean... he was manipulated but then... I don't know, I'm just so exhausted Dr. Flynn. I'm at war with myself and my thoughts." I say looking to the floor. "And now the Grey's are hosting a big over the top New Year's Eve party at their place. I asked to be excused so I could go back to my apartment but they insisted and I feel so indebted to them already."

"Ana, just like you, sometimes people do want you in their lives for the pure joy of just having you around. If this at all was a burden, I'm sure they would've made it known through their behavior. Have they?"

"No not at all. Christian's mother dotes on me, his dad always talks to me and I have such an amazing connection with his siblings. In fact Grace told me that she was indebted to me for the 180 change she saw in her son. She said she'd never a light like that in his eyes." I look up at the Dr. Flynn and he's smiling at me in agreement. He too knows what Grace is talking about. "Christian asked that I be his date to the party but this was before everything happened."

"You don't want to anymore?"

"I don't know. I need time away from him. All of this, what we have... had... it happened to fast and it was too intense. I'm just confused. I know I love him. I do not doubt that. I don't know if I can be with him right now or even in the long run. That's what I'm scared and confused about."

"How about taking it slow? A small break and then slowly meeting him, have a date or two a week, seeing the slow progression of a relationship maybe? Without the sex, just him and you talking and getting to know each other?"

"I wouldn't mind that. As someone who has no sexual experience, I think it makes it easy for me to be manipulated. I don't trust my instincts. Right now, being at his parents house, I'm having trouble thinking clearly because I'm not alone or in a familiar space that has elements of who I am... you know what I mean? I'm essentially just surrounded by his entire life and I need to be in a place and routine that's just me or as much me as it can be, given how I work at GEH. I mean I'm not really attached to him nor do I interact with him so thank God for that." I have to chuckle. Dr. Flynn smiles back.

"That's fair. I think you should communicate that to him. You both are lost in your own heartache. Effectively communicate and clearly define your expectations from him. Right now everything in the air and you both are people who crave control in very different ways."

"You're right, I will do that."

**CPOV**

I'm going through a magazine, when I hear the door to John's office open and see them both walk in. Thank fuck. It's been forever. I hear Ana giggle as she wipes tears from her face. I want to hug her but I just stand up and awkwardly wait for them to walk towards me.

"Before you leave, Ana I want to introduce you to my wife and two children."

"I'd love to meet them but can I first just wash my face, don't want to scare the kids with my puffy red eyes." She smiles and John directs her to the powder room.

"How is she John?"

"She's doing much better. Her thoughts are clearer and articulate now. My advice to you is to be absolutely honest with her should she ever have questions for you and for you to exercise the level of patience that you have been whenever she reaches a final conclusion."

"I overheard her talking to her adoptive mother and essentially telling her we're over." I run my hand through my hair

"Christian, she just needs time and regular therapy. Give her that space."

Ana walks out and we head over to the other side of the house where the TV room and kitchen are. It's a warzone. His son Benjamin is in a highchair smearing pasta all over and barely eating his food. His daughter is in what looks like a princess costume watching an animated movie.

I greet Rhian and introduce her to Ana. They both hit it off, no surprise there. They try to get their daughter Chloe's attention. John pauses the movie and Chloe groans as she gets up and walks over to where we're standing with her mom.

"Chloe, these are dad's friends. Introduce yourself and welcome them please." Rhian calls out to her.

"Hi, I'm Chloe, welcome to our house, what is your name?" She points at me. "My name is Christian." She nods and hides behind her dad's leg. She then points at Ana who crouches down to her level.

"Are you sure your name is Chloe because you remind me of Elsa." Chloe beams at Ana. "My name is Ana but you know what, my grandmother calls me Aana."

"Are you a princess Aana?"

Ana tucks a strand of Chloe's hair behind her ear. It's such a tender moment. "No Elsa, I'm not, I don't have a crown." Ana pouts and laughs. Chloe looks and points to me. "Are you a prince?" I snort. "I don't have a crown either, Chloe." I say. She looks at me with furrowed brows and then grabs hold of Ana's hand and drags her with her towards the TV.

"I'm watching Frozen, come watch with me." Ana looks back and mouths to give her a few minutes. John and Rhian laugh.

I see her sit with Chloe and they watch for a few minutes while Chloe very animatedly tells Ana what's happening the movie. Soon one of the characters starts singing and Chloe sings too, and asks Ana to join in which she does.

_Elsa?  
Do you want to build a snowman?  
Come on, let's go and play!  
I never see you anymore  
Come out the door  
It's like you've gone away_

_We used to be best buddies  
And now we're not  
I wish you would tell me why!_

_Do you want to build a snowman?  
It doesn't have to be a snowman_

_Go away, Anna_

_Okay, bye_

Chloe looks up at Ana and they animatedly sing to each other and throw their arms up. I can't help but smile.

_Do you want to build a snowman?  
Or ride our bike around the halls?  
I think some company is overdue  
I've started talking to  
The pictures on the walls!_

_It gets a little lonely  
All these empty rooms  
Just watching the hours tick by  
(tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock)_

The music swells and becomes sad. Chloe then without warning climbs into Ana's lap and Ana rests her head on hers as they both continue to sing

_Elsa, please I know you're in there  
People are asking where you've been  
They say, "have courage" and I'm trying to  
I'm right out here for you  
Just let me in_

_We only have each other  
It's just you and me  
What are we gonna do?_

_Do you want to build a snowman?_

I feel a little burn in my throat. I am actually feeling emotion from a Disney movie. No, I'm feeling emotion after watching the woman I love have so much love to give even after all the shit I put her through. A child she met mere minutes ago has decided that she is a safe place and crawled into her lap as they both sing together.

I see John and Rhian look at Ana in awe as she whispers something in Chloe's ear. Chloe nods happily and they both walk back to us.

"Rhian, thank you for letting me take up some of Dr. Flynn's time. I really appreciate it." Ana says.

"Nonsense, I was getting tired of him anyway. You did me a favor" Rhian laughs.

"Darling, she actually thought I was funny. Right Ana?"

"Yes, I did."

Rhian snorts. "It's okay Ana, he's hopeless, you don't have to lie for him."

We say our goodbyes and John walks us to our car. I head down the driveway hoping Ana is feeling a bit better.

"Ana, are you hungry?"

"Yeah, I'm starving actually. I'll probably raid the fridge when we get back." She giggles.

"I know a place close to where I wanted to take you, it's a diner we used to frequent as kids when mom would be on call at the hospital. Dad would treat us to milkshakes and burgers and make us lie to mom about it."

Ana laughs. "Sure. I love diner food."

We arrive at the diner and take our seats at the usual Grey family booth. Though I haven't been here with either Elliot or Mia in years, it's a safe place that I have missed. A waitress comes by with menus and I see Ana study it with supreme concentration. She looks adorable. Her ponytail gone loose, hair framing her face as she's wrapped in her usual brown shawl wearing a white-buttoned shirt with the jeans that really complement her ass, fuck, I want her so badly. She's such a vision all the fucking time. I can never get enough. I feel like I'm seeing her after years.

"So what do you usually get?" She asks reading the breakfast section.

"The cheeseburger deluxe with a chocolate milkshake."

"Hmm... okay, I'm torn between the Belgian waffle or the Greek omelet... why is this so hard. I mean I'm hungry the decision should be instant... okay you know what, I'll get something savory to eat and get the chocolate milkshake too. That makes sense." I can't help but chuckle.

"Are you laughing at me Mr. Grey?" she raises an eyebrow trying to suppress a smile.

"No Miss Steele, I'm merely observing your thought process on ordering food." I smile back her.

We give our orders and our milkshakes come out almost immediately.

"Okay you're right, this is amazing. I haven't a milkshake in forever." She nods her head in agreement. "I'm glad you like it, this place was a big part of our lives growing up." I tell her.

"Thank you sharing it with me." She smiles. "No one else I'd rather share it with." God, I want to kiss her so bad right now.

She asks me questions about my room and all the model planes and boats and how I got into them. I tell her about the Grace and how we built it from scratch and she beams in fascination and awe. I tell her how long it took to build and how every summer I take it out with the family for Memorial Day and July 4th.

"I've only been in like the small fishing boats with Ray. I once fell off of it cause I was such a spastic idiot" She laughs and I join her. Her self-deprecation, although bothersome to me, also makes me laugh because she can be such a comedian. Our food arrives and she pours a shit ton of hot sauce and black pepper on her omelet and laughs at my expression of complete horror.

"What's your biggest catch been?" I ask.

"Nothing. Zip. Nada. I never caught anything. I used to talk a shit ton before the accident, like all the time my brain was buzzing and I was always asking questions, I mean, I just wouldn't stop and Ray would be like Annie, shut up you're scaring the fish away." She's almost howling. I so desperately want to kiss her in this moment. "But then I went into another extreme with the accident and recovery and now that I'm out of it I think I'm at a healthy medium. I don't ask as many questions as I used to. I just try to figure out shit on my own." She shrugs and suddenly a lot of things start about her start to make sense to me.

Our conversation flows so easily and it's almost like we're back to normal even though I have a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach given her the conversation I overheard earlier this morning.

We leave the diner and I take her to my secret hideout. When I was old enough to venture out on my own, I'd take my bike and ride for hours. I came across this small pond with water lilies and it was the most beautiful thing I'd seen. It brought me a temporary sense of calm but after Elena came into the picture, I rarely ever visited. I want to show Ana something from my past that isn't tainted by Elena and all the shit she got me into.

"I've never shown anyone this place." I tell her as we walk along the trail.

"Said every serial killer to his victim." She laughs and I have to chuckle. "Miss Steele, you wound me."

We get to the small wood deck that leads out the pond and it's glows in the warmth of the winter sun.

"This is so beautiful Christian. It reminds me of Monet's Water Lilies. I had a print of it in my room growing up." She looks to me smiling with her beautiful blue eyes all lit up except now they look a little green. The light reflects off of the water and dances on her face. She is so breathtaking in this moment. I lean in a little closer.

"You look so beautiful standing here." I hold her face and tears form. I kiss her forehead and pull her into a hug. She doesn't fight it but holds on to me and breathes.

"I've missed you Ana. I'm so sorry." She breaks from the hug but still stands close to me. "I know you are and I've missed you to but there is a lot that we need to figure out."

"I know and we'll take it at your pace. I want you to be comfortable and feel safe with me and I willing to do whatever I can to make that happen."

She nods. "How did you find this place? It seems far from your parents house."

"I used to ride my bike a lot and go out exploring and I came by this place unexpectedly. It gave me a sense of peace and I'd come here a few times a week to just sit and think but then once all that shit started with Elena, I barely was able to visit. I actually haven't been here in years... but when we were seated for Kiran's Hindu ceremony and were in that outdoor space with the big trees and dappled light and hearing you sing, I remembered this place and I've been wanting to show you ever since." She remains quiet just looking out to the water.

"Thank you for sharing it with me." I kiss her cheek this time and her skin is warm, she closes her eyes at my touch. It's like being back at Carmel by the Sea. The way her skin glowed and felt.

"How was your session with Flynn?" she takes a step back and makes to sit on the floor. I join her.

She takes a deep breath. "It was much better. The first two, I was just lost, hurt and angry. I couldn't make sense of my thoughts because of all the emotion I was feeling. Now I'm finding my thoughts slowly." She continues to look out into the pond.

"Ana, I know I have a lot to make up for...I just... I was going to tell you, I just didn't know how given what happened with you..." I can't even complete the fucking sentence. My words fail me. And I just sit there like silent fool

She closes her eyes and proceeds to speak.

"Christian, I feel like we'll just go in circles if we try to make sense of everything now. The best way we can move forward is to be apart from each other. After we return to Seattle, I think we should take a break. No communication, nothing. I need time to gather my thoughts and you need to really think about what you want from this and how you want to move forward in your life. The way we met and how this all started was really intense. Weddings can do that. You get caught up and we were in a bubble and you feel things that may not really be sustainable in your real life. I'm really lost, these feelings I have, I feel like I'm losing myself. What I feel for you is overwhelming that it's hard to breathe sometimes..." she starts to cry. "...I don't know if it's a result of my sexual inexperience and the fact that this is all new... I don't know how much time I need but once I can make sense of all the information I was bombarded with, only then I can slowly come back. We need to get to know each other emotionally; I need to know who you are not just how I feel with you. Adding sex in the mix is making it confusing and it's not fair to me." She takes a deep breath and speaks again.

"I need to get back to a routine and space that is mine. As eternally indebted I am to all of you for taking care of me these past two weeks, it's been extremely hard for me. I was in a space that was only yours. I was surrounded by you in every way and I couldn't find myself. It made me feel very lonely and made me realize I had nowhere to go and hide... and not to mention the fact that I'm now so ashamed of what happened that night on the dock." She shudders.

"Ana, please don't think like that. Please. My family adores and loves you. They've embraced you and won't let go. You've brought us all closer together, possibly more than we were when I was growing up. I was always a disappointment growing up but then once I started doing well in school and the business became successful, they'd tell me they were proud of me... then after what happened with you. I've never seen them so disappointed in me. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I find it hard to look them in the eye..."

"They're disappointed in you because they love you so much Christian. I wish you could see it, because I do. Grace came to talk to me and she was crying and it was so hard for me to see her like that. I see the pain in her eyes, she loves you so much Christian and she's so heartbroken that her baby lost out on the potential of finding love and affection so early on in life. Carrick told me that he has waited to see you find peace and he sees that in your eyes when we're together. I see their pain and their longing Christian, and it tears my heart into pieces because I know what it's like to be in a constant state of longing.

You can say it all you want that what Elena did to you was what you wanted but at 15 years old you didn't know jack shit about the world. I'm 24 and I'm still stumbling. You only knew your trauma and that woman manipulated you into making you think you didn't deserve a normal and healthy relationship filled with love. She isolated you from yourself and your family. That's what Vishaal did to me. He was my brother and he promised to protect me but he manipulated me and he took advantage of me at my weakest, taking away my sense of security in life." She takes a deep breath, trying to stop a new wave of tears." In the end what happened to us, whether it was against our will or not, there is no denying that it was wrong. You can fight me on this but one day you will realize it and I honestly hope for yours and your family's sake it's not too late...because you are more than what Elena did to you, you deserve so much more in this life... "

I can't find my words because only hers resound loudly in my head.

She looks to me, tear stained. "I need you to promise me that once we return to Seattle you will give me space. I know I work at GEH and I will be respectful and civil should we cross paths but in my personal life I need us to be completely separate. I know Elliot and Kate are together and Mia and I are close but I cannot spend time with you alone. I need to go to therapy and figure this out. You need to figure stuff out too and there is a chance that I might choose to never come back. I have to put myself first because I only have myself. I made a deal with Flynn to commit to regular therapy for the next 6 months and for once I want to really follow through with it."

I feel my eyes burn as I look out to the water. I can't look her in the eye.

"I promise. I will stay away."

"Thank you."

"Can I ask for a small favor?" I say, treading lightly. "Sure."

"You're here for two more days. Can we still talk and spend time together? If you decide that you never want to come back at the end of all this, I'll understand but I want as many memories as I can get with you. Will you still be my date to the New Year's Eve party?"

She takes a breath and pauses for a moment.

"Yes I'll be your date and we can spend time together. I've never been kissed at midnight anyway so I might as well use you while I can." She giggles while wiping away her tears as she tries to get up. I stand with her and we take one last look at the sun setting over the pond.

"Kate and Elliot won't be back till 8pm or so and Mia is still at Lilly's, you want to watch a comedy special with me when we get home? I want to laugh for a bit" Ana asks me.

"Sure, I've never watched one really."

"Wait, you've never watched a comedy special? Oh I forgot you don't really watch TV. Well, allow me to educate you Mr. Grey!"

"I'm eager to learn Miss Steele. I'm sure mom has popcorn in the pantry." I chuckle.

We get home and it's about 5:30. Mom is in the kitchen helping Gretchen with dinner when we walk in. She looks at us, smiles and gives me a wink. Ana walks into the pantry and looks for the popcorn and asks me to melt the butter. I look at her like she has two heads and she laughs as soon as she remembers how useless I am in the kitchen.

"We should watch the show on the TV downstairs... most comedy specials are really crass." She whispers and giggles.

"Miss Steele, I thought you were a lady."

"Lady on the outside but shameless on the inside." She winks. My playful Ana is back. God I want to kiss the living shit out of her right now.

We sit on the couch and I give her the remote to choose what to watch. She opens up Netflix and tells me that she has tons of shows she's been meaning to watch. She settles on a comedy special called Disgraceful.

For the next hour, I'm treated to Ana's unabashed laughter and giggles till the point there were tears in her eyes. At one point she laughed so hard she couldn't breathe, she falls onto me at times as I kissed her hair and sometimes held her hand. The comedian was actually funny, I found myself laughing too. I love that I had this experience with her.

At one point, I got up to get another beer. She paused the special and asked me to hurry back.

"Ana's feeling better?" Mom asks looking visibly relaxed.

"Yeah she had a good day at therapy and we talked as well, I took her to Eloise's and then we went for a walk. We still have a long way to go but at least she's talking to me."

She pats my arm "I'm glad to hear that son. It's also wonderful to hear her laughing and see you smiling again."

...

I had asked Ana if we could spend some more time talking after dinner at the poolhouse. It's definitely one of my favorite things about mom and dad's place. Mom got her love for horticulture from Grandpa Theo and growing up it was one of my favorite things to do with them both. With Grandpa Theo, it was looking after the orchards and learning how to learn the value of time and growth, these were principles I did my best to rely on when growing GEH.

It's a cold night but we walk hand in hand to the poolhouse.

"I actually wanted to show you the poolhouse when we came for dinner the first time but you all were so engrossed in conversation that I thought maybe next time." I say.

"Well, I guess we got here in the end." She smiles back at me as I open the door that leads to the upper level to Grace's little oasis.

"This really is a beautiful space, even at night." She comments. "I like it has this big skylight so it's always illuminated."

It isn't a full moon, but there's enough moonlight pouring through. We take our places on the couch and Ana immediately tips her head back on the back of the sofa and looks up. I sit right next to her and do the same.

She takes a deep breath. "So Mr. Grey, what did you want to talk about?"

"Miss Steele, I just missed talking to you."

"I missed talking to you too... maybe we should come up with a game."

"Game?"

"Yeah, I was talking to Dr. Flynn today and he suggested that in addition to my wanting to take some time off that we should slowly work towards maybe having a date or two a week and talk when I'm feeling a little better... just get to know each other. No sex in the mix given my inexperience and confusion, so I was thinking on the drive home maybe we can come up with something were we ask each other a set number of questions but like... maybe 4 questions, two about heavy topics and two about light topics like... I don't know... like, what's your least favorite vegetable? Mine is turnips." She giggles.

"Of course, Flynn suggested no sex. The fucker." I laugh.

"He's suggested it before?"

"Yeah, he thinks I rely on it too much to communicate or not communicate, if that makes sense."

"Now that I think about it, I think it does." She says dryly.

"Does it bother you?"

"A little bit but I also understand that men and women are just different. We process information very differently but then again, you just expressed a desire to want to talk to me, so maybe you're changing Mr. Grey?"

"Before you, I never talked this much... in my life. I mean, I just kept to myself. The only conversations I had were to the point. I wasn't interested in the... noise."

She laughs. "So I'm noise, huh? It's okay... Ray used to say the same."

"But I like hearing you talk and I want more of it. It's the only 'noise' I want in my life."

She laughs out loud. "You don't know what level of hell you're asking for. I can talk up a storm if I wanted to."

I chuckle. "Do your worst Miss Steele. I can handle it."

"So four questions. Two serious questions and two easy, fluff ones. Would you like to do the honors?" She looks to me.

"Ladies, first." I smile at her.

"Okay, what did you want to be when you grew up?"

I take a minute to think... "Well, I always wanted to have a shit ton of money and control but there was a small part of me that wanted to just sail the world. Take the boat out and be on the water. Or have an orchard, I like the idea of watching things grow."

"Like your grandfather?"

"Yeah."

"Sailing the world sounds like fun but also sounds incredibly lonely."

"I liked being alone. What about you Miss Steele, what did you want to be?"

"Well, so many things, I wanted to be a radio jockey at one point because I loved talking about music, then a racecar driver, an astronaut, a nurse because I loved babies... then I didn't have any real direction for a while."

"You wanted to be a racecar driver?"

"I told you, I like fast cars Mr. Grey. Ray taught me how to drive at 13, just in case. Also, I think to shut me up and get me to focus on something, given my gift of the constant gab." She giggles and fuck, I've missed that sound and smart mouth.

"You're a wonder Miss Steele." She gives me a shy smile.

"Your turn Mr. Grey."

"I asked you what you wanted to be."

"Oh sorry, actually, depending on who asks the questions we both have to answer it, if applicable." She says

"Okay then, I'm going to ask a serious question." I look to her and she closes her eyes, her face still facing up to the sky light. She opens her eyes, looks at me and nods apprehensively.

"When we had sex the first time, I didn't hurt you did I?"

She closes her eyes for a few seconds again and sits up. "I know Kate told you everything. She told me on Christmas morning after I went up. It's one of the reasons why I didn't come down. I mean, I understand why she did, I'm still a little pissed at her but I also know that I would've done the exact same... that being said, I know why you're asking and the answer is no. You didn't. I mean yes, it hurt a little but you have to understand that given what I've been through in both those instances, my pain threshold is really high now. Burns, cuts and stuff don't really register sometimes unless I see physical evidence. Paper cuts still hurt like a bitch though." She giggles. "The pain went away. There was some soreness but I got over it really quickly and also, you think I would've let your ignoble self come back to my suite if you hurt me?" She looks at me laughing.

"A point well made Miss Steele." I chuckle. "Why didn't you tell me the extent of what happened to you Ana?"

"Well, because of the way you're looking at me right now and the way your family now looks at me. And the way my own family has been looking at me for the past 7 years since the accident. Like I'm some fucking china doll about to shatter into a million pieces. You wanted to murder that son of bitch when I had only mentioned the rape. If I had told you how bad it was..." A slight shiver runs through her and she rubs her face. "Listen to me, you guys are the only ones aside from Kate and the handful of therapists I had in Portland who know about the extent of how badly I was raped... I just didn't want to relive it by telling you the details. That's why I've never tell any of my other friends about the accident and other shit. I don't need them looking at me with pity."

I stare at the floor and breathe, trying to remain calm.

"He needs to pay for what he did."

"It's not worth it."

"Why do you keeping saying that? He needs to fucking die for what he did."

She sits up and looks at me. "Look at me Christian... you know why I choose to do nothing, because it will never be fucking enough. I could murder him with my bare hands, watch him take his last breath and bury him in the ground and it will NEVER be enough to take away the pain and horror of what I felt and went through until I physically healed, which felt like it took forever... I won't even go into the emotional shit I had to work through. So it's better for me to not even open that Pandora's box. I had kept it neatly tucked away up until recently. I just have to wait for nature to take its course and pray to god for strength and patience." She says with tears forming in her eyes and looks away.

"I don't know how the fuck you can pray to god when if he even exists, let this happen to you." I scoff.

"Free will, Christian. The accident happened, just an unfortunate event that no one had control over. The rape? That shit was a result of decision he made to hurt me. He wanted to hurt me. That shit was done to me on purpose. People are evil. There's a concept of pre-destination in Islam that some believe everything is written out for you upon conception but that God also gave us free will, the power to change our destiny should we choose. Some choices we make affect the outcome more than others. So yeah, he had the choice to bring me home safely but he chose not to. I'm not explaining this right but what I'm trying to say is that, all the trauma I've been through has never made question my faith but it has made me question people. Just let it go Christian, it's all in the past. I need to move on from all this shit and focus on my future where one day his presence or name will not affect me at all."

I take a deep breath and cradle my head. I need to find something on that motherfucker. I need to bury him myself.

"Christian, look at me." I turn and look at her. "Let's talk about something else. I'll ask a lighter question?"

I nod.

"Tell me about your trip to India?" She smiles.

I sit back. "Well, it was pretty fucking hot and I was a little bitch about it." Ana laughs out loud.

"Why? You didn't like it at all?"

"I didn't really take it in. The heat was too much for me and then seeing the poverty, that got to me. It reminded me of my childhood... but it had beautiful moments for sure. The Taj Mahal was beautiful. The colors were... they were beautiful everywhere. There was a lot of life, I had never seen anything like it."

"You're so lucky, you got to see it. I hope I can visit one day." She smiles at me.

"We can go one day."

She takes a deep breath and her face falls. "Yeah, one day."

"Aside from India and Italy, what's another place you really want to visit?"

"Hmm, I really want to visit the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland. I heard this instrumental once and for some reason, even though I've never visited the place, I imagine that's what it will feel like once I finally do. I also really want to visit Kashmir and Pakistan" She muses. I love how her mind words sometimes.

"You?"

"I've never been to Chile or Finland."

"Ooooh, those are good ones. I have them pinned on my map too." She giggles. I lean in and give her a chaste kiss because I can't help myself. I hover over her lips when I'm done she leans in her forehead to touch mine. She brings her lips closer to mine again kisses me. I try my best not to take over, I need to keep myself in check. I let her take control of the kiss. It's slow and tender and she takes her time. I can sense her nerves so I bring my hands to her face and she holds my wrists and breaks away but she gives me a small smile.

"It's my turn to ask a question now." She says and I nod. We pull away but we're still holding hands.

"Does it hurt when someone touches your chest, your scars I mean?" She asks carefully.

"It reminds me of the sensation of burning. It causes a sense of panic and in general it's an ugly reminder of the past."

"I'm so sorry you went through that. I wish I could take your pain away." She says with head hanging low and tears fall.

Her words cause a lump to form in my throat. Fuck. No Ana, don't cry for me.

"Ana, my trauma pales in comparison to what you've been through."

"Christian, you can't compare them. What you went through was horrific. You were a child, a baby, you couldn't defend yourself and that feeling in itself is so traumatic. No child or adult should ever feel that helpless and afraid." She leans in and hugs me, holding me tight. "I'm so sorry." She whispers. I lean in and inhale her scent trying to keep my emotions at bay. Home. She feels like home.

We sit like this for a while. "Miss Steele, I believe it's my turn to ask another serious question."

She breaks away and nods, wiping away tears. I want to ask her about feelings about what she's recently found out about me but I decide against it. Maybe I can broach that subject tomorrow if she agrees to do this again.

"Do you have nightmares as a result of what happened?"

She looks down and takes a deep breath.

"I have some recurring dreams. I haven't had any crazy nightmares since the time Kate found me in the begining. Even then, those nightmares never really made any sense. I couldn't really see anything it was just I think my body reacting to the pain I was in..." She stops for a few seconds and then speaks again. "I have this one recurring dream. I don't know if it's a memory or just an amalgamation of what my brain thinks happened but all I can see is this clear night sky with the stars shining brightly but at the same time I feel like I'm floating and I see smoke rising in my periphery and red and blue flashing lights... and I hear this sound of a piercing scream. I don't know if it's me that's screaming or someone else. I've had the same dream so many times and each time I wake up and actually this is in general whenever I wake up from sleep the first thing I do is check all my limbs and confirm that I can move because I woke up everyday after the coma wishing that it was a bad nightmare that when I did finally regain control of my body, I'd then wake up making sure it was real. It fucked with my brain." Her voice is strained. I pick up her hand and kiss it.

"You have nightmares too, right? What are they about? Have you been sleeping at all since you've been here?"

"Since we met, I haven't had my usual nightmares or night terrors. They used to be really bad. They were just memories of the abuse I suffered at the hands of the crackwhore's pimps and customers. Then we met and for some reason, I would have dreams but they're still confusing. I don't wake up in a panic but it's still feels... unfamiliar. Listening to you sing really helps. When you sent me those memos in Tokyo, I've listened to them every night and it helps a little. I haven't really slept, I've just been thinking so it's not terrors that keep me awake just... an overactive brain. Having you next to me, even when I do wake up, I feel rested. Before you, I was lucky if I'd get 3 hours of sleep a night. I'd never slept a 6 hour stretch since before I met you. Not even when I was a child. I'd wake up screaming the house down and would barely get 3-4 hours a night."

She holds my hand. "I haven't really been sleeping that much either. My brain is in overdrive." She sighs. "We could sleep together tonight? I'm sure Kate could use the break as well. Her sleep schedule has been compromised because of me."

"Ana, you don't have to. I'm used to not sleeping and I know you probably really miss your own space and bed. As much as I miss you, I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything."

"I know that. I wasn't offering that because I feel like I owed you anything. I miss you too and if we're going to spend these two days together then if we can get a decent night's sleep out of it then why not? We're not having sex; it's just sharing a bed. Unless your mom and dad are conservative about that stuff?"

I snort. "Ana, we're adults, it's none of their business. Unless of course, we did decided to have really loud sex."

She laughs out loud. "Oh god... I can already see the horror on their faces."

"Are you blushing Miss Steele? I thought you were shameless."

"Apparently not enough." She sasses back giggling.

"Come, Miss Steele. I've never slept with a girl in my childhood room. I'd like to get you in my bed before you change your mind." I smirk.

"Wait, really? Never?"

"Never. Another first."

"God, we're so lame but I'm honored to have this accolade added to my resume Mr. Grey." She giggles.

We walk back hand in hand. She's slowly coming back to me, I muse. The house is quiet. Kate and Elliot are watching TV with Mia. Ana tells her that she'll spend the night with me and gives her a hug. Elliot the fucker he is wiggles his eyebrows at me and I tell him to fuck off. He's such a child.

I wait for Ana in my room and she walks in wearing panda pajamas and an oversized WSU t-shirt.

"You have pandas on your pajamas." I chuckle.

"Glad to know you still have good vision in your old age."

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Miss Steele."

"... but the highest form of intelligence, Mr. Grey." She sticks her tongue out. "Which side is yours?"

"The one closest to the door."

"Okay cool, I like sleeping next to a window anyway." She walks over to the other side of the bed, gets in and looks straight up. "You know, this feels like a sleepover, like I'm in high school or something." She laughs.

I turn off the lights and get into bed and kiss her cheek and pull her back to me.

"Give that smart mouth a rest Miss Steele."

"My brain isn't tired though." I kiss her neck and it makes her giggle.

"I know, but sleep. We both haven't in the past few days." I kiss her temple and she sighs. "Okay, good night."

"Goodnight baby. I love you." I pull in closer and lean into her neck.

"I love you."

Home. This may be short lived but...

Finally.

Home.

* * *

**Authors note: **If have two versions of the next chapter. One where they have another conversation like this where they ask each other 4 questions and one where they don't and the story just blends into NYE day and night. Let me know which one you prefer! I feel like I owe you guys for the emotional rollercoaster i've put you through these last few chapters.

**Music:**

Do You Wanna Build A Snowman - OST Frozen.


	21. Chapter 21

**EDIT: 3-16-2020**: Will post later this week, I promise. Dealing with some creative direction issues and may have rewrite significantly! Totally lead you guys on with the binge posting every day didn't I? SOWWIE!

* * *

Loved reading all your thoughts. All I gotta say, this was one INTENSE holiday season. Everyone has made mistakes and everyone is dealing with revelations in ther own way and it's not all good for sure. I would like to point out that aside from Grace and Kate, everyone else has been pretty supportive of Christian and I know I haven't really focused on conversations with his family... they will soon happen in future chapters.. There is definitely a lot of assumption and not enough education about the BDSM lifestyle so everyone is reacting emotionally. We will see other sides to everyone soon. I think they're all just a victim of cabin fever now. lol.

To the guest reviewer who asked me to post earlier tonight. I'm tryingggg boo!

gowildcats: your review made me ugly cry... YOU JUST GET ME.

everyone else. I love you. Please wash your hands and sneeze into your elbows and stay home. BE SAFE. this coronavirus shit is not cute.

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CHAPTER 20-21 - _I only know that I belong where you are._

_December 30th, 2019._

**CPOV**

I slept the entire night. Didn't wake up once. This is a welcome feeling. When I opened my eyes in the morning, Ana was still in my embrace, sleeping peacefully. I reluctantly got up, I had an unfortunate situation that I had to take care of and I didn't want her to wake up to my rock hard erection with a mind of it's own, digging into her. I check the time and it's almost 8am. I give her cheek a light kiss and get up to take a shower.

I come out and see that Ana's still sleeping. I get a text from Mia telling me that breakfast will be ready soon. I go to Ana's side of the bed and sit. I call out to her gently, stroking her cheek. She doesn't respond. I call her again and her eyes immediately blink open and she grabs my hand and pushes it away and looks around confused and starts to move her limbs.

"Ana baby, it's okay... you're safe."

She blinks a few times again, looking at the ceiling and rubs her face.

"I'm sorry. I just... that scared me for a minute." She whispers.

"No baby, I'm sorry. I didn't realize." Fuck... what just happened. "Was it a bad memory?"

"No... just... I wasn't sure of where I was and if I could still move. Plus, I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night during recovery and feel like something was off, like someone touched me but I was told that the side effects of some of my medication was hallucinations except now I'm not so sure anymore." She takes a deep breath and hides her face in her hands.

"Ana, look at me."

She slowly removes her hands and looks at me. She's not crying, not yet but I can tell she's on the brink but she's holding on. I pull her hands up towards me and signal her to get up. I hold her and kiss her hair.

"You're never going to go through that again Ana. You're never going to be touched like that again. You're safe now."

She quietly breathes and nods. I pull away from her and hold her face, her eyes looking down. She's not crying but she's barely breathing, she's completely still. I want to kiss her lips, kiss her fears away but that maybe too much for her right now. I settle on kissing her forehead and cheeks.

"Baby, are you hungry?"

"Yeah, a little."

"Good, Mia just texted me. Breakfast is almost ready, you want to change and meet us downstairs."

She silently nods and I walk her to the guest bedroom and kiss her forehead again before heading down myself.

...

Much to Ana's reluctance we are on our way to Neimans to get the girls dresses for the party tomorrow.

"I just don't understand what's wrong with the dress I'm borrowing from Mia? I really like it." Ana whines.

"Cause banana, we can't go into 2020 wearing black and besides, I want to take a last look at what they have. Maybe I'll find a better dress than the one I got." Mia laughs.

I see Ana rolls her eyes and laugh.

"After dress shopping we're going for lunch to the Mile High Club on baby bro's tab so ladies, make sure you order the most expensive stuff and eat up!" Elliot chuckles.

"Oh my god, I've been dying to go there, I heard the food is amazing." Kate exclaims.

"Ana have you been before?" Mia asks.

Ana snorts. "Uh no. I only heard about it recently and that too from Kate, but I heard they have a crazy waitlist for reservations and are insanely expensive. "

"Well Christian owns it, so we always get in and have a table for waiting for us! I also have an apprenticeship there." Mia laughs.

"Oh, I didn't know that." Ana says in almost a whisper as she looks to me. I asked Elliot to drive for today and Kate opted to sit in the front, which allowed me to sit with Ana and Mia in the back. I'm holding her hand and it's been hard to not just pull her into my lap and kiss her so I just settle on kissing her hand whenever I feel like.

"Yours and Kate's name have been added to the permanent guest list as well so if you ever want to have a girl's night out, you can just walk in and you'll be taken care of." I tell her.

"Umm, okay... thank you." Ana says in a low voice and I can sense how uncomfortable she feels but truth is she will have to get used to this eventually. _Yeah Grey, that's if she decides your ass is worth coming back to._

"I for one, wholeheartedly accept this gift. Thank you Christian. I will consider this my Christmas gift from you." Kate laughs and I can't help but chuckle.

"DJ Steele, play us some music." Elliot cheers.

Ana laughs and asks him to give her two minutes.

"Since we're on our way for some retail therapy it only makes sense we have a playlist that reflects that. Therefore we shall start this holy experience with mention of our Lord and Savior, Post Malone. Amen."

We all laugh and she presses play.

_Baby could you? I got too much on my mind right now  
I ain't got the time to get you Saint Laurent down  
Could you? I got too much on my mind right now  
Time to hit Rodeo, give my baby 30 thou'_

_Oh oh oh oh oh ooh, ball for me  
Oh oh oh oh oh ooh, b-ball for me, yeah  
Oh oh oh oh oh ooh, ball for me  
Oh oh oh oh oh ooh, b-ball for me, yeah_

_I'm on the road, I'm gettin' paid  
Like what you want, baby? (What you want, baby?)  
You're bougie, baby, but I love you, baby  
Give you the world, baby (you the world, baby)  
Paid five grand for a handbag  
That's Saint Laurent (Saint Laurent, baby)  
Damn, you love that money, baby (oh oh oh)  
Hunnid thousand plus hunnid thousand, my whip (my whip, my whip)  
30 thousand plus 30 thousand, my wrist (my wrist, my wrist)  
We got alcohol plus bad bitches, that's lit (that's lit, that's lit)  
I swear baby, we was just kissin', that's it (that's it, that's it)  
How could I forget the shit that you done done for me? (For me)  
Baby gonna take the charge and take the fall for me (for me)  
Would love to take you shoppin', but girl, I'll be on tour  
Sorry, lil' mama, I can't give you more._

I can't help but smile. She's so animated. Kate turns her body to face us in the back and performs the song with Mia and Ana. Elliot can't stop laughing and I finally feel at ease. Even though, I know it's short lived but I'm trying my best to stay present and soak up her energy.

We have a reserved fitting room with a private showroom suite at Neiman's that the high profile clients are allowed to use. It is stacked with the latest designs and accessories from the all the designers. Mia and Kate are going to town picking dresses and going back and forth from the fitting room. Ana walks around quietly. I watch her; she's so self-contained sometimes. I notice she gravitates towards florals and pinks and reds. It makes sense given her middle name and the color of the flush in her cheeks and her soft lips. I need to stop looking at her lips. Fuck. _I need to focus._

She stops to pull out a pink dress that has flowers and picks up the tag to check the price and immediately lets go of it. Her expression is worrisome and walks away to sit on a couch and pulls out her phone.

"Hey, what are you thinking of? Why aren't you picking a dress?" I ask as I sit close to her.

"Mia already loaned me a dress and I like it. Everything here is too... over the top." She shrugs.

"Show me the dress you borrowed from Mia." I ask. She pulls out a picture of the dress on her phone and while it is beautiful, it's just black and it doesn't do her justice.

"I think Mia is right, you need to wear a bright color." She rolls her eyes "Miss Steele, did you roll your eyes at me?" she giggles and leans in "Old habits die hard."

"You know, you're making it very difficult for me to not kiss you right now. You're wearing the exact same clothes from when I first met you at GEH. I so desperately wanted to bite that lip when I saw you."

Her cheeks flush immediately. "I was wearing this? No... really... I'm trying to remember now. Okay... maybe yes. This is my errand running outfit." She laughs.

"Miss Steele, I remember everything from that day and the wedding and after to this day. If I could somehow show you my memories of that entire week, you'd see how beautiful and ethereal you were and are in every moment my eyes were on you." I lean in further and give her a chaste kiss. She looks up with tears in her eyes and smiles.

"You're so sweet to me." She says. "You're my girl, how could I not be?" I take her hand and lead her up to the dress she was looking at earlier. "I want you to try this on."

"Uh no. This is crazy expensive, I will look for something else." She tries to walk away and I grab her hand. "No, Ana this one." I say. Mia joins us as I'm pulling out the dress from the rack. "Oh my god, Ana, YES you need this dress. This is the one. DONE. This is your dress."

"Guys, please stop. Relax... this is insane." Ana tries to talk us out of it. Mia takes the dress and then leads Ana into the fitting room. I take my seat next to Elliot.

"How you doing bro?"

"I'm okay, slowly getting there with Ana but she asked for time apart as soon as we get back to Seattle so we're just making the most of today and tomorrow before we go our separate ways."

Elliot rubs my shoulder. "You guys will come back from this stronger than before, I have faith in you both."

"Thanks Lelliot." I give him a small smile. Kate soon joins us. She's picked her dress, had three mimosas and is now ready to devour some food.

"OH MY GOD." Mia bursts out of the fitting room and zeros in on us. "YOU GUYS ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS. ANA LOOKS LIKE A GODDESS. COME ON OUT BANANA."

"Do I have to?" Ana whines.

"YES!" We all say in unison and laughing.

Ana walks out, her face beet red in embarrassment but she looks to die for. I'm about to find myself in a very embarrassing situation thanks to this growing erection. The rest of group is speechless. None of us say a word and Ana looks at all of us just gaping at her. The silence makes her even more uncomfortable and she runs back and Mia follows her.

"BROOOOO, SCORE ON THAT HOTTIE!" Elliot laughs like the fucking frat boy he is and Kate smacks his arm but laughs as well.

I chuckle but fuck she looks and will look to die for tomorrow night.

"I can't wait to see Lily die of jealousy, bro." Elliot sneers. "Who the fuck is Lily?" Kate challenges.

"One of Mia's friends who has had a thing for Christian since she hit puberty. I already knew she was going to lose her shit once she saw Ana but now with that dress, dat bitch gonna dieeee" Elliot can't stop laughing.

"Well if she says anything to Ana, I will fuck her up." Kate warns.

I snort. "By all means Kate, take her out. Though, Mia and her are best friends' so good luck with that."

**APOV**

Holy fuck. I really love this Marchesa dress but it is freaking $8000. This. Is. INSANE. I cannot let him spend this money just for a dress that's insane. No, just no.

"Kate, can you come here a second. Pleaseeee?" I call out to her. Walking out to show them the dress and seeing Christian's face. God, I never thought I'd see a man like him ever have a moment where his jaw hit the floor and that too for a girl like me. I want him badly. I need him but I have to resist the temptation.

"What's up Steele?"

"Kate, this dress is $8000. Please tell them this is ridiculous to pay for something I'm only going to wear once."

"Steele, look at me. This is how men show affection. Let him shower you with it. I know how you're feeling right now but you told me yourself, he wants to make memories with you before you go on this break. He loves you Ana, let him love you. And you look to fucking die for. This dress was made for you so please shut the fuck up and get it because I am starving and I want to eat at that club... I'm serious if I have one more mimosa, I will start to hump Elliot in front of all of you and you know I will follow through." Kate ends her tipsy tirade and I can't help but laugh. I ask her to wait till I wear my own clothes and then ask Christian to come and see me.

I'm putting the dress back on the hangar to take back outside when Christian walks in and closes the fitting room door. Fuck. The look in his eyes is intense. I know that look. It's that come hither stare and now I'm in a confined space and fuck I should've thought this through. I try to keep my wits about and take a deep breath.

"Christian, please this dress while so beautiful is a bit ridiculous to get for just one night."

He takes another step and corners me and puts both of his hands on the wall as he towers me and leans in. His eyes looking into mine, dark as a winter storm, I feel my body light up and pull itself towards him as if he were a magnet.

He whispers in a low voice with that smooth baritone that really just melts me on the inside. "Ana, I've been aching to touch and kiss you all over and I'm trying to respect your boundaries the best I can but holy fuck it's been torture... please let me do this for you. If I can't have my way, if I can't have you then let me show you love the only way I can right now. Let me have my fill of you somehow. "

I'm losing this battle. I pull his face to me and kiss him and immediately flush my body to him as I wrap my arms around his neck and I hear a low groan. He wraps his arms around my waist and picks me up. I break the kiss. "Thank you Christian. You didn't have to do this but thank you."

"Anything for you my love, anything for you." He smiles back and bites my lips, making me giggle. I love it when he does that. It's so hot.

We head out and after another battle of wills over the fact that I'm going to need shoes, which cost $3000 because Mr. Billionaire only wants the best and to him nothing says that more than Louboutins. Honestly my favorite nude satin $70 Zara heels would've looked amazing with this dress but whatever.

We get to the Mile High Club and are taken into a private room. Everyone trips over themselves to have the chance to be of service. It's hilarious but I welcome the privacy. I wasn't particularly looking forward to dining among the other people given what I was wearing and how I don't want the world knowing about us just yet. Not when we're about to go on a break.

The break. Am I being selfish here? Making these memories for two days and then boom, I'm done. Am I setting myself up for failure? I want him. I really do but I know this is just my being needy and wanting sex. It's been 9 days. It feels like forever. But then again, I lived without out it for 24 years... well almost. I can do this. I have to be careful and not kiss him too much either... I can't afford to lose control of this situation. I need to rationally make sense of all these feelings and thoughts I have. Dominant Christian is still a part of him, that's another puzzle I need to figure out. But his lips... I just want to kiss him. No, I want to do a whole lot more with him but it wouldn't be fair to us both.

"Baby, what are you thinking about, we're ready to order." Christian whispers in my ear as his lips lightly grazing my earlobe, bringing me out of my reverie. "Oh um... I can't decide. The salmon I guess?" I look to him. "Perfect choice." He smiles.

We talk throughout lunch and I absent-mindedly take from everyone's plate, which makes them laugh but then partake in my tradition too.

"So how many people are expected at this event?" I ask.

"About 200 or so. It was our turn to host this year." Mia tells me "It's basically the who's who of Seattle, The Gates, Bezos might not come but his ex-wife definitely will. Mom used to be their kids pediatrician." _Damn, the Greys really are a big deal._

"Basically it's a bunch of stuffed shirts Steele, don't worry though I hired a kick ass DJ and took some selections from your dance playlist so we can tear up the dance floor!" Elliot laughs and suggestively raises his eyebrows.

"Uh yeah, I might not do any dancing. I only danced like I did at the wedding and with you guys because I knew you and I was surrounded by family. Not really comfortable dancing in front of people I don't know." I shrug with a small laugh.

"It's okay, everyone will be drunk anyway, and we'll have tons of fun banana." Mia beams at me. I laugh and tell them I'll think about it.

Mia, Kate and Elliot get lost in a TV show debate when Christian leans into my ear "I for one really look forward to seeing you dance. Who knows maybe I'll join you on the dance floor." Oh fuck, and just like that I feel a surge of heat radiate between my legs.

"I thought freestyle wasn't your thing Mr. Grey." I poke fun at him.

"Any thing with you is my thing, Miss Steele." I can't help but giggle. He kisses my temple. "Will there be any press there?" I ask him and he gives me a quizzical look. "Yes but only at the front entrance for the red carpet, they aren't allowed beyond that. We will have a private photographer inside and all those pictures will be for our viewing only. They will not be published anywhere." Okay that makes sense and puts me at ease.

"I know what you're thinking Ana, don't worry about it. Everyone at this party values their privacy, no one will leak anything and if they do, they will have hell to pay. I can't wait to introduce you to everyone as my girlfriend. In fact I have a small surprise for you tomorrow, actually they are a few." He looks almost giddy as he says those last two sentences. Oh Christian, you're melting my heart. I nod with a smile and kiss the corner of his mouth when I really want to just climb on top of him and show him how much love him right now. I can't wait for tomorrow.

...

**CPOV**

Once we're done with dinner and dessert, we all help to clean up the table. Mia tells us she's off to spend the night at Lily's and will be back in the morning to help out with the party tomorrow once the crew arrives to set up. Kate and Elliot go into the basement to watch a movie while Ana and I head up to my room.

She changes into her panda pajamas again and it makes me laugh.

"Stop making fun of my comfy pajamas Mr. Grey."

"I can't help it. They're cute but I also didn't take you for a panda person."

"Are you kidding me? Pandas are AWESOME. I watch panda and cat videos when I'm having a bad day and suddenly I'm happy again." She laughs.

"Wait, what?"

"You haven't watched a panda video? Oh god, let me bless you. Come here."

I climb into bed with her and she pulls one up on her phone and we watch it. It's quite funny, Ana is in stitches and actually talking to said pandas in the video as if they could hear her.

"Miss Steele?"

"Mr. Grey?"

"Can we play 4 questions again?"

She turns her body to me. "Sure. Ask away."

"I'll start with a light one. Tell me about your friends at GEH. You seem to have this whole life that I don't know about."

She swallows and gets nervous for a bit. "Um... well, my two closest friends are Jose Rodriguez from legal, Valerie Clarke from acquisitions and Samantha Crete in Real Estate. Jose took me under his wing the first day when in fact I was quite the bitch to him." She laughs.

"Why?"

"I thought he was trying to hit on me even though I saw a ring on his finger but then when I showed him attitude, again I was really nervous and on edge because I felt like a fraud... anyway, he was like I like your fire and I'm totally gay. He liked my choice of shoes and said he'd take me under his wing and that I had to meet him and his hag Val from acquisitions." She starts to giggle and laugh.

"He's gay?" _Thank God. _I knew this already but still further confirmation is always welcome.

"Yeah and very... full of life I would say. I mean he's a shark and Mr. Travis relies on him but with us, he's hilarious and his mission in life is to get me a boyfriend. He calls me Asexual Steele."

I snort. "If only he knew."

"Yeah, but I haven't told him and Val anything about myself. It makes me feel guilty but... it is what it is, I guess."

"Do you want to tell them?"

"I do but like I said before, I would have to make them sign an NDA that the family gave me. I don't like putting restraints like that on relationships."

"Did you make Kate sign one?"

"Nope. Kate didn't make me sign one either, not that I knew who she was until many weeks later. She wasn't keeping it from me, she just hated talking about it. Kate's my first real friend. I mean, as much as I love Kiran, my bond with her is a lot because she doted on me when I was a child and was a big sister to me but as we grew up and with everything that happened, a lot of it became my feeling like I was in her debt, you know. I mean... I know she loves me but she's so different from me and she's a little... careless, and I don't trust her. Right now, she expects a full girl talk report on us, there's no way in hell I'm telling her shit because a couple of glasses of wine in her and it's game over... anyway... I just looked up to her like a big sister but Kate is my first real friend in life. I can tell her and talk to her about anything, literally anything. We were there for each other in some really tough times." She goes quiet and I kiss her forehead.

"I'm glad you have Kate in your corner. She loves you like you were her flesh and blood."

She gets teary-eyed. "Yeah... she's my family." She takes a deep breath. "I think that turned into a really heavy conversation Mr. Grey, sorry about that."

"No baby, don't apologize. I love hearing about your life. There's so much I want to know."

"Want to hear something funny?"

"Yeah sure."

"So, you already know that everyone at GEH is obsessed with you. Like... everyone. The things I've heard... God... anyway, so Jose is like you have to have a Grey fantasy, like... it's impossible not to and it's a rite of passage. And now we're coming up on 5 months and I _still _haven't entertained any girl talk about you and the poor thing is about to lose his damn mind. He sent me a voice note two days ago telling me he asked Santa to activate my pussy for Christmas and that I can't go into 2020 with cobwebs."

We both laugh out loud and fall into a fit.

"I'm so curious about these fantasies now."

"Of course you are. You narcissist." She bites back. I pull her in close and give her a quick kiss.

"You're happy at GEH though?"

"Yeah I am now. It took a while, but I'm good now..." she smiles sweetly at me. "My turn for a question Mr. Grey."

"Fire away Miss Steele."

She pulls out of my embrace a little, looks down at the bed sheet and swallows. I can tell she's nervous and suddenly I can feel the tension in the air again.

"When we met, were you with anyone.? I mean... "

"No I wasn't Ana. In my... arrangements. I was always monogamous."

"How long had it been since your last...arrangement?"

"4 months almost."

She looks up in surprise. "4 months?" I nod. "Then... how... how do you know that what you felt wasn't just because..."

"Because I hadn't had sex in 4 months? You think that I told you I loved you or I feel this way because I hadn't had sex for a while?" I can't help but laugh. I look at her and she's not laughing at all. She's dead serious. Fuck.

"Listen, Ana. The longest I've gone without sex is a year."

"A YEAR?" her eyes almost pop out of her head. "Yes, a year. Things just didn't work out, I was really busy with building GEH... " that and the fact that I couldn't really match with other petite brunettes that appealed to me. "I could ask you the same thing. How do you know that what you felt for me wasn't because of sex?"

"Well, I tried convince myself that it was just that the first night." She says in a small voice. "When we were in the tub, you kissed me and gave me this look that scared me. I almost told you that I loved you but I immediately shut it down... I thought I was being silly that it was just the afterglow of experiencing sex by choice and with someone I had a connection with for the first time. So, I thought, it's okay if we go back to Seattle and we act like we don't know each other given our positions in society, it'll suck but that's just how life is sometimes."

Her eyes are cast down. Her voice is strained but she's holding on and not crying. What she doesn't realize is that I fell in love with her then too and that I too was scared.

"I felt the exact same way you did. It was unfamiliar and unlike anything I had experienced before. Being with you was a first for me in the most profound way just like everything else with you is." I stroke her cheek and she silently nods.

"You never met anyone in college who made you feel safe to want to have sex?" I ask.

"Nope. It wasn't a priority for me, besides, I was just a recluse. I thought sex was just a weapon men used against women. I had to really condition myself out of that thought process and Kate also helped by telling me that I had to be open. By junior and senior year, I did go with her to parties and stuff but I never met anyone who caught my attention in that way. Connection was important for me." She turns to lie down straight on her back and rubs her forehead.

"Besides, when Nani was teaching me about life and religion, she never outright said it but it was implied that I should try and save myself for marriage, since pre-marital sex is not allowed for either gender. I mean, on one hand I thought it as a romantic notion and the other I thought how fucking lame for two people to wait till their wedding night... I mean at least one person should know what they're doing." She giggles and I can't help but smile at her smart mouth. "She told me about this Islamic concept that your spouse should be your 'libas' which means clothing. Your spouse is supposed to act like the clothing that protects you from the outside world, essentially protecting you from the evils of the world and hiding your beauty and your flaws because those are only to be shared between you two. And even though, I grew up and convinced myself that it was all a little too primitive, I think deep down, I still believe in it. That my significant other should be the one I share myself completely with."

Her voice is strained and she's pinching the bridge of her nose with her eyes tightly shut.

"Baby?"

"Yeah." She's still not looking at me and trying her best not to cry.

"Look at me baby." She turns her face to me but her eyes remain downcast. I move closer to her and kiss her forehead, her eyes, her cheeks and her lips. "I love you Ana... and thank you for trusting me." She gives me a small smile and silently nods. She looks up with tears in her eyes. I kiss her again.

"We're really bad at this game." She giggles.

"Yeah we are, I still like it though."

"What's your least favorite vegetable?"

I laugh. "Miss Steele, that's quite the segue. Well, I fucking hate brussel sprouts." And she giggles. "Yeah, I don't like them either."

"Ana?" Here goes nothing. I need to ask her a question that's been nagging me.

"Hmm?"

"Do you really think I'm a monster for doing all that?" I ask with a burning lump in my throat.

"No, I don't. Not anymore, I was really scared when I first found out because of my own history and also because I don't understand all of this and I need to do my own research. I've been reading up on it online in my free time and Dr. Flynn helped me understand the idea of consent in terms of the arrangement but in terms of punishment... I don't think I'll ever understand it Christian. And, I'm guessing this is part of your personality too, the part that needs to control someone else. This is all very new for me and that's why I need time. To just process it and do research and see what questions I come up with and not look at it through an emotional lens."

I nod. "You know you can ask me anything right?"

"I know but I'd rather not right now. As I said, I want to read up on it and when I'm ready we can talk about it in detail." I nod again.

She takes a deep breath. "Did you love her? That woman... Mrs. Robinson?"

I can feel my body stiffen in anger at the mention of the fucking bitch. "No. I didn't. I was devoted to her yes, but I never loved her and in fact, I was thinking about this the other day. I once asked her about love. I was 16 and in high school we were reading about Romeo and Juliet and for a brief moment I wondered about it, even though I had touch issues, I had wondered about the idea of love."

"What did she say?"

"She said it was for fools. That it was a weak emotion and she reinforced it with a..." I shake my head at the memory and pain of that session. She really went to town on me that day. "Anyway, she manipulated me into thinking that I was destined for bigger things than the primitive notion of romantic love. That it would keep me from achieving what I have today."

"Christian, you achieved everything because of your mind. That's all raw talent. Your ability to read people, the way your mind works, that shit can't be taught. It has nothing to do with her. It was all you, it's always been you." She cries and holds my face, looking into my eyes.

This is too intense. I look down. "Ana, she believed in me when no one did. Granted, it was fucked up, but GEH began because she gave me the funds for it."

She kisses me. "Again, to control you probably, right? To stay in your life?"

"Yeah and I paid her back within the first year and even helped her with her own business. But you're right she did that to control me. I've already talked to Travis to get me out of business with her and gift her my share of the salon business we have together."

"Mr. Travis knows?" She looks stunned.

"He knows everything about me from a legal standpoint. He also knows... about us."

"WHAT?" She moves back. "No... Kate told me she was going email him that I had to death in the family."

"No, I stopped her from doing that. I went to see Travis and told him. He won't say anything, heck he won't even acknowledge it to you that he knows."

"Fuck."

"Ana, Travis is trustworthy."

"It's not that Christian. It's just... I don't want to be looked down on." She gets up and cradles her head in hands.

"Ana, what's wrong?"

"Christian, I've worked very hard to try and a create an identity for myself away from the family and to be recognized for what I can do and bring to the table. I don't want those accomplishments to be watered down because of my associations. As it is, I got this job because of my family connection and it sickens me."

"What do you mean?"

She takes a deep breath. "When I got laid off from SIP, I was desperate and an old college friend from WSU worked for you guys in legal and said there was an opening but my resume only had work experience from the campus library and the hardware store I worked at back in Portland. Like, I needed a job asap otherwise I would've had to move back to SF. I had work experience from my grandfather's company but I didn't want to list them because... I just didn't but as I said was desperate and I called my cousin Rania who is head of legal at Nana's company and she scolded me. She was like I absolutely had to list the work I did for the family business. She was my reference and gave me a glowing recommendation and I fucking hated doing that because I feel like I cheated." She sobs. "And I've been trying my best to prove myself as Anastasia Steele, not as someone who is related to the family. Not that HR knows I'm related to them. I never mentioned that, though I'm sure it came up in the background check. Fuck. I just don't want Mr. Travis to think I'm a cliché. Some rich girl who used a family connection or name to get her foot in the door."

God. She's is so freaking adorable and infuriating.

"Ana, look at me." She turns to me. "Baby, I told him we met at the wedding. He thinks the world of you and he doesn't know about your association to your family. Also, he wanted me to make you sign an NDA and I told him that I trusted you. I think he almost had a stroke because he knows about my involvement in the lifestyle and my rule against dating employees and for me to show emotion and say that I love you... the look on his face was priceless. I should've taken a picture." I chuckle.

She looks at me wide-eyed and wipes her tears. "If you want me to sign an NDA, I will. I'll just have to make you sign one as well. Nana talked to me about that when I was in SF after the wedding."

"What do you mean?"

"He believes in the honor code and balance of power when it comes to significant others. He said that if you make me sign one then I should return the favor, otherwise, follow the honor code."

I smile at her. She looks so innocent and serious.

"I love you Ana. You don't need to sign an NDA. I trust you implicitly."

"Same here. I love you too... I'm still going to talk to Mr. Travis and assure him I won't be a fuckup."

I can't help but laugh. "Ana, you really need to take a Xanax." She smacks my arm and giggles. "You could never be a fuck up but if it will help you breathe easy then yeah definitely go talk to him. I want you to feel at ease at GEH."

"Will you tell Ros?"

"Eventually but we can wait on that."

"Okay... she might kill you though. She loves good gossip and doesn't like waiting for it. " She giggles and yawns. I smirk at the thought. Ros was always overly enthusiastic about the trivial scoop.

"Getting tired Miss Steele?" She nods. "A little, Mr. Grey." She lies down facing away from me and I pull her close to me, her back to my chest and I kiss her temple.

"One last question?"

"Sure, ask away Mr. Grey."

"Can you sing for me?"

She takes a deep breath. "I've only been listening to really sad songs... "

"I still want to hear your voice"

She takes a few seconds and starts to sing softly, almost like a whisper.

_He and I; had something beautiful  
But so dysfunctional it couldn't last  
Loved him so, but I let him go_

_'Cause I knew he'd never love me back_

_Such pain as this shouldn't have to be experienced  
I'm still reeling from the loss, still a little bit delirious_

_Near to you, I am healing but it is taking so long  
'Cause though he's gone and you are wonderful, it's hard to move on  
Yeah, I'm better near to you_

_With you and I, it's something different  
I'm enjoying it cautiously  
I'm battle scarred; I am workin' oh-so hard to get  
Back to who I used to be_

_He's disappearing, fading steadily  
When I'm so close to being yours  
Won't you stay with me, please?_

Her voice cracks and it's so heartbreaking, every word that she sings is heartbreaking.

_'Cause near to you, I am healing but it is taking so long  
'Cause though he's gone and you are wonderful, it's hard to move on  
Yet I'm better near to you  
Yeah, I'm better near to you_

_I only know that I am better where you are  
I only know that I am better where you are  
I only know that I belong where you are._

I turn her to me and she's trying her best not to cry. I kiss her deeply and we drift into sleep.

* * *

_December 31st, 2019._

Ana has spent most of the day helping Grace even though she didn't have to. I kept pulling her aside and kissing her. Small chaste kisses. I can't get enough of it, even though we've spent the night together these past two days... I want more, so much more. She's been flushed the entire day and winks at me every now and then.

I'm in my room, laying on the bed reading a report when I hear her voice from the threshold.

"Christian, it's New Year's Eve, why are you working?"

I shrug, "Just trying to make myself useful. I don't know how to sit and do nothing."

She rolls her eyes and it makes me smile. "Here, I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and thought you might like one too." I take the sandwich and the glass of milk and eat it. She always does these sweet little things that make me feel so cherished.

"Can I drop you off home tomorrow? I know Elliot offered, but I can take you and we can talk?" I ask.

She takes a minute to think and then agrees. I get up and close the door.

"Ana, I never gave you your Christmas present and..."

"Christian, you didn't have to get me anything. Please." I can hear the trepidation in her voice.

"... but I wanted to. Then everything happened and I could never really find the right moment and I didn't want to upset you further. I mean I was going to give it to you last night but we were talking and I didn't want to break our rhythm." She looks down to the floor. I go and pull out small gift-wrapped box from my side drawer and hand it to her.

She looks at me with tears in her eyes and unwraps it. First she reads the small note card attached to it.

"My dearest Ana,

You are the love of my life. This year has been celebration of firsts for us both and I cannot wait for the many more we will get to share. I am forever yours.

I love you.

Christian."

She starts to cry and quickly wipes her tears and opens the box that reveals a silver charm bracelet. She holds up and looks at all the charms; a teacup, a microphone, a bathtub, a bed, a heart and a Christmas tree.

"As our life will progress, we can add more charms to celebrate our firsts and the important moments in our lives." I tell her.

She looks up at me. "Christian... I don't know what to say, this is so beautiful..."

"Will you wear it tonight?"

"Of course I will."

She climbs on top and straddles me. Wrapping her arms around my neck and sobs as I hold her tightly.

"I love you Ana and I will wait for you for as long as you need. Just don't give up on me. Please."

I feel her nod. I lie back down and turn so that we're lying face to face on our sides. I wipe her tears and kiss her soft lips.

"How did you come up with this and how did you find such specific charms?"

"I used the family jeweler, I told him what I wanted and he got it done. As for the idea, I got it from my grandfather, he always gave my grandmother meaningful jewelry and I wanted my first gift to you to be meaningful so that whenever you looked at you'd see how much I love you and how much happiness you've brought to my life. As for the place, well, I've never flown a girl in my private jet before."

She gives me a small kiss on the lips.

"It's perfect and it means the world to me. Who knew you were such a romantic Mr. Grey?" She runs her hand through my hair, fuck I've missed her touch. I can feel my pants get tighter but I need to control myself. "I have to say though, your grandfather seems like a man with game." She laughs and I join her.

"Oh you have no idea. This was going to be a surprise but they're coming tonight. I really wanted to introduce you and I know you'll love them as they will you. Fair warning; he will hit on you just to make grandma jealous. It's a bit they do" Ana giggles and I kiss her nose. I've fucking missed that sound.

"I thought they were in South Carolina with your Uncle till the spring."

"They were but I missed them and I really wanted you to meet them so I sent the jet and they got in last night."

"You're such a sap. Who knew?" she giggles. "Grace will be thrilled and this is such a sweet gesture, I can't wait to meet them and hear all the embarrassing stories they'll have about you." She laughs.

...

I'm done getting ready and head downstairs. Ana told me she wanted to skip the red carpet and decided she'd enter the party through the kitchen and walk in from the side of the tent. I wish she wasn't so nervous but I don't want to push her. She's letting us make these memories and I want to make as many as I can before she disappears.

CG: I just got done with the red carpet. I want to get first dibs on seeing you before the whole world does.

AS: Haha, never did I think I'd hear Christian Grey use the word 'dibs'. You almost sound young.

CG: Miss Steele, are you calling me old?

AS: Yep, an old and cranky man.

CG: I'd happily show you how young I am.

AS: Is that so? Hmm, I'll have to think about it. I'm done getting ready. Mia and Kate are on their way to the red carpet and I just finished my call with Nani. Meet me in your room?

CG: I'll be there in 5.

God, I feel like a teenager right now as I take two steps at a time to get upstairs. I take a few long deep breaths to bring my breathing down to a normal rate. I knock the door and she opens it.

"Walk in to the room but don't look back yet." She giggles from behind the door.

I walk in and stand by the bed, the anticipation killing me.

"Okay you can look now." I turn around and I am lost. I can't move. She's a literal goddess, as if she had descended from the heavens for me, a walking embodiment of mother earth. The thought causes a swell of emotion in my chest. I almost can't breathe.

Her hair is a voluminous cloud of chestnut, no jewelry at all except for the charm bracelet. Her makeup, her usual minimal style; with some eyeliner and blush with rosy pink lips.

She cocks her head to the side, smiling, "Are you just going to stand there gawking?"

I shake my head and try to find my words. "Ana, I...I.. can't describe what I feel for you in this moment. The word beautiful is an understatement. You're a revelation, a divine revelation right now."

She walks up to me and pulls me in for a kiss letting me explore her mouth. Our tongues reacquainting themselves with each other after what seems like years. She moans and I walk her back into the wall.

"Ana, baby..." is all I manage to say as I trail kisses down to her neck and down the open V of her dress. Her scent is intoxicating, roses and my Ana. She moans and arches her back. "Christian... oh god... we... we...need to go..." she pants and almost loses her footing but I hold her.

"I know baby, we'll go... I just need you to myself for a little while longer." I kiss her again. Slow and deep, holding the nape of her neck and my arm around her waist as she hands twist my hair. I grind into her and she responds, moaning into my mouth like a song. Fuck, I've missed this. Before we lose ourselves any further, I reluctantly break the kiss and it takes her a while to open her eyes and I can see she's in a daze. I smile at her and she looks up at me and giggles. "That kiss is definitely one for the books Mr. Grey."

I smirk. "Miss Steele, I'm so honored you agreed to be my date tonight. Everyone won't be able to keep their eyes off of you."

"Yeah because I'm a walking botanical garden, Christian." She says in all seriousness and it makes me laugh out loud.

"My secret garden... for now." I give her a wink and she rolls her eyes. I slap her ass and we head downstairs.

We reach the back of the tent and Ana stops me. "I just need a minute." I can feel her hand trembling.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

She shakes her head and hands. "Nothing, I'm just nervous. I don't want to embarrass you in anyway. I know important people are here."

I hold her face and kiss her. "Ana, you could never do that. Just be yourself. Be the beautiful, charming and funny girl I fell in love with."

We walk in and I lead her straight to our family table. From the corner of my eye I can see people start to look at us. They've never seen me with a woman and that too holding a woman's hand.

We get to the table and say our hellos. Elliot whistles and raises his eyebrows at Ana suggestively and she rolls her eyes at him. Kate crushes Ana with a hug.

"Grandfather, grandmother, I'd like to introduce you to my girlfriend, Anastasia Steele." I see Grandpa Theo give me a sly smile and get up to hug me. Grandma is all teary-eyed as she kisses my cheek.

"Mr. & Mrs Trevelyan. I'm so happy to finally meet you. Christian has told me so many wonderful things about you both." Ana beams as they hug her.

"Oh nonsense, call me Grandma Margot, no need to be formal. Anastasia, you look like a dream darling."

I see Ana flush, "Thank you Grandma Margot and please, call me Ana."

"And you can all me Grandpa Theo, or just Theo, that name is reserved for the pretty ladies." He winks at her and Ana laughs. "Would you like to dance with me Ana?" Ana leaves my side "You know what Grandpa Theo, I think I will. You're way cuter than Christian anyway." She giggles. "Oh I see how it is, well, when his hip fails don't come back looking for me." I bite back.

I watch Grandpa Theo and Ana walkaway to the dance floor and start to dance to the band playing Witchcraft. They move effortlessly and I see Ana throw her head back and laugh. God knows what Theo is telling her.

"Your husband is such a god damn flirt grandma." I tell her Margot.

"I need to get a tighter leash on him." She chuckles. "Christian, she's wonderful, don't let her slip."

"I'm trying grandma. She's mad at me right now but I'm trying to fix it."

"You better, I want to see mini Christian's running around. You've made us wait far too long son."

"Okay, let's not get that far." I rolls my eyes.

After a bit I see Ana and Grandpa walking back to our table.

"Grandma Margot, Grandpa T has some serious moves, girl." She giggles.

"Oh honey, you don't know the half of it." Margot winks.

"My my, this December heat!" Ana laughs as she fans herself. I love her playfulness. I kiss her cheek and she looks back to me and gives me a chaste kiss.

"So Ana, how did you two meet?" Margot asks.

"We met at my cousin's wedding, the groom is childhood friends with Elliot and Christian."

"Scooter's wedding?" Grandpa Theo asks.

"Yes, Ana was maid of honor at the wedding as well." I interject.

"So when are you going to give this gorgeous girl a ring?" Margot asks raising her eyebrows suggestively. Ana throws her head back and laughs. "Have you been talking to my grandmother because she asks the same question every time we speak."

Conversation flows so well. Grandpa Theo tells Ana all about his apple orchards and she tells them that apples are her favorite fruit, and that apple pie is her dessert of choice. Margot promises Ana to make her an apple pie over dinner sometime.

Mia, Grace and Carrick finally find their way to our table and hug Ana and I.

"Come on baby, there are some people I'd like you to meet." I pull Ana's hand and we start to make rounds. I can sense her nerves. Everyone looks at us. "Why is everyone looking at us like we have horns on our head?" she whispers. "Well they probably can't believe how beautiful you are and second, you're the first woman I've ever been seen with since they've known me. All these people have suspected that I'm gay." I tell her.

Ana laughs as we walk to the bar first to get ourselves drinks.

"You know this is the first time I've been to a fancy event like this?" Ana whispers.

"Really? But surely growing up with Kiran you attended some parties."

"Nope, I was never interested. Just weddings and those were easy because we all knew each other. So there is just a tiny part of me that's having a complete nervous breakdown over the unfamiliarity of the event and people" She shrugs and laughs a bit.

"I suppose this would qualify another first for us Miss Steele. The first time I've brought a woman to an event and the first time you've ever attended something like this."

"I believe so Mr. Grey." She smiles sweetly at me and tiptoes to give me a quick kiss.

I introduce Ana to a few of our family friends and she effortlessly holds her own among them all till I hear a familiar voice call out to me.

"Christian Grey with a date, we really must be on the cusp on a new decade." I turn around and I see it's Bill and Melinda.

"Bill, Melinda, good to see you. Allow me to introduce my girlfriend, Anastasia Steele." Ana shakes their hands and we start to talk and they ask us how we meet.

"Anastasia, that is such a beautiful dress." Melinda smiles.

"Oh thank you, as much as I love it, I was telling Christian that I feel like a walking botanical garden exhibit." Ana giggles, while Bill and Melinda laugh out loud. I bring her hand to my lips and kiss it.

"Bill, how was your recent trip to India?" I ask. "It was good, as you know there's always going to be challenges when dealing with the government there. It's been trying. I'll leave it at that." Bill groans and takes a sip of his drink.

"Anastasia actually speaks Hindi fluently. Daniel Wetherington's wife is her cousin." I offer. Bill looks a little lost. "Really, I'm sorry, I don't mean... I would never have guessed you're Indian."

"Oh, I'm not in the traditional sense, my adoptive family is and my grandmother taught me the language and all about the culture."

"Do you visit India often?"

"I haven't been able to visit yet but I hope to soon." Ana says, smiling wistfully.

"And what do you think of the current political situation?"

Ana and Bill get into it and it's a joy to see her counter his points with such ease. They talk about the downfall of the British Raj and the residual colonialism that still prevails and how it's still affecting India and the entire region today. Bill and Melinda seems genuinely interested what Ana has to say, and pretty soon I'm just a side piece in their little group. Ana eventually wraps up the conversation with a smile saying that this conversation is best had over chai. They laugh and agree and we decide to meet soon to talk more politics.

We walk away and Ana looks at me "Did I just make Bill & Melinda Gates laugh and then argue with them and then proceed to invite them over to your place for tea?"

"You sure did baby. You're a natural."

"Holy fuck. Pinch me." I can't help but chuckle and kiss her temple.

"Dance with me Miss Steele?" I ask holding out my hand. "I thought you'd never ask, Mr. Grey"

We dance to Michael Buble's Save the Last for Me and Ana can't stop smiling. I twirl her around and sway with her. Her face completely flushed with a permanent smile and twinkle in her eye. I lean down every so often to kiss her lips, her cheek and sometimes her neck making her giggle and squeal.

Once dinner is served and done with, Ana and I remain seated. We get lost in our own world talking and looking into each others eyes, it's intoxicating... I see Lily eyeing us every now and then. Pretty soon Mia comes by with her trope of friends and introduces Ana and Kate to them.

"Lily, this is Ana, Christian's girlfriend. We all met this past summer for her cousin's wedding and now we're joined at the hip."

Ana gets up smiling and shakes Lily's hand "Lily, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mia talks about you all the time."

"Really, well she's barely mentioned you. So you're Christian's girlfriend?" Lily looks Ana up and down and with a laugh followed with scowl.

"Lily, don't be rude. I've told you about Ana so many times, maybe you should learn to pay attention to what others are saying for a change." Mia scolds Lily, trying to hide her embarrassment.

"It's okay Mia, it's obvious Lily isn't in a good mood tonight. Perhaps a laxative would help? I hope you feel better Lily." I hear Elliot and Kate cackle as Ana sits back down and looks to me. I give her a smile and lean in. "You were too kind, I would've ripped her head off." Ana shrugs, "I'm saving my energy for better things." She winks at me and gives me chaste kiss. I feel my dick twitch as my imagination runs wild.

The DJ announces the dance floor is open till midnight and I see a rush of people head over.

"Steele, I added some real gems to the playlist. Think Cabo." He looks at her with a sly grin.

Ana rolls her eyes "Yeah, there is no way in hell I'm dancing now. No thank you."

"Come on Steele!" Kate whines. "Yeah Banana, pleaseeee" Mia joins.

"What is he talking about?" I ask genuinely intrigued "Nothing, he's added some of the songs from my Cabo and dance playlist. We just danced like absurd idiots one night, it was a real show and now he's trying to get us to do that except I'm not comfortable doing that right now." She says nervously.

"Ana, go have fun. Fuck what these people think." I kiss her lips. "I'll look like a dancing flower monster then." She giggles.

I lean into her ear "Just as long as I get to spend some time alone with the flower monster between your legs, I don't care."

"We'll see if she even wants to meet you!" she deadpans. I give her my panty-dropping smile and she can't help but smile and roll her eyes at me. "You're so bad Christian."

"You know you love it." I kiss her cheek. "Exactly, therein lies the problem, I love you." She giggles.

She sips a little more on her water and takes of her heels and winces. "What happened baby?"

"Nothing, my feet are bleeding. I didn't break in these heels and now I have blisters and chafed skin." It's fine, I just have to be barefoot, which is like heaven right now."

"Show me."

"No, don't be silly Christian, it's fine. My shoes are off and now I'm at peace."

"Ana, show me." I say sternly.

She crosses her left leg over and moves her dress slightly and shows me the back of her ankles that look sore and bleeding.

"I'm going to get band-aids." She stops me by grabbing my arm "Christian, chill out. Just sit with me. I'm fine. I'm a girl, we deal with this shit all the time."

I reluctantly relent and she gives me a kiss on the cheek and goes on to sing along to all the songs playing as everyone goes crazy on the dance floor.

A song starts to play through the speakers and Ana groans. "I'm going to kill Elliot."

"Why?"

"Because, he's doing this on purpose. He keeps looking at me and goading me. Look at him. Look at how he's dancing. That brother of yours is a hoe, Mr. Grey." She laughs. I look over to see Elliot is indeed making an ass of himself and trying to get Ana to join him, Mia and Kate. Ana turns her face towards me again and completely ignores them. A few minutes later Elliot and Mia walk over and start to embarrass Ana by trying to give her a lap dance. Ana squeals and turns her face into me, grabbing my jacket and burying her face into my neck trying to protect herself as she laughs. She's red as a tomato and grandma and grandpa eat it up. I can't help but laugh myself as I hold her. It's a comforting feeling to have her hold on to me as she laughs. Elliot's antics always got the room laughing. Ana finally gives in.

"Okay fine! I'll meet you there. Give me a minute." Elliot and Mia walk away victorious, high fiving each other. Wanna to join?" she asks as she stands up. I shake my head and laugh. She leans in "I can make a request for them to play some post Malone" she says raises her eyebrows. I pull her face to me and give her quick kiss. "Nice try Miss Steele."

She winks at me and skips to the dance floor to join Kate, Elliot and Mia and effortlessly falls into a groove. They lose it completely, acting out all the lyrics. Ana and Elliot as always trying to out do each other and it's fucking hilarious.

"She's so full of life." Grandpa Theo looks to me and pats my shoulder.

"Yeah she is. She's brought a lot of that light to mine." I whisper back

"I can see she loves you too. You can fix this. I know you're worried but like I told you with the orchard sometimes you just need to let things be and nature take it's course."

I called Grandpa Theo in utter desperation after that night at the dock and when I told him everything. I just had to talk someone who wouldn't judge me and all he said was;

_Christian, it breaks my heart to hear what you went through, we should've been there and seen what was happening and I'm sorry but I have faith in you, I always have_. _It's time to move forward and fix what you have in the now, you can do this Christian, you have the soul of a builder, you can build this relationship again. Love is always worth it._

I'm brought out of my reverie by the sight of Ana walking towards me, laughing with her rosy cheeks and out of breath. She places a hand on my shoulder and picks up a glass of water to drink it.

"Grandpa Theo, want to dance with us?" Ana asks.

"I'd love to but the Margot here might bury me in a jealous rage if she sees me surrounded by all you pretty girls." Theo winks and Ana giggles.

"Oh just tell her truth, your hip has gone to shit." Margot sneers.

"Mother! Language!" Grace chides. Margot waves her hand in dismissal.

Ana sits down next to me and looks leans in looking me straight in the eye with playful determination and whispers "Mr. Grey, dance with me. It's not a request but a demand." She giggles.

"Miss Steele, I don't like your tone." I feign irritation

She pouts and bats her eyelashes and I have to laugh. "Okay fine, lead the way." She holds my hand and leads me to the dance floor.

She puts her arms around me and flushes her body to me as we sway "We'll start you off with the basics and I know from personal experience that you definitely know how to move those hips Mr. Grey." She winks as she reaches up for a quick kiss and giggles. I lean into her ear "if we keep dancing like this, we'll end up giving everyone quite the show." She throws her head back and laughs.

_Dear beloved  
Bring those 501s a bit closer, bit closer  
And dear, my lover  
Do that thing we never do sober, sober_

The song progresses, Ana turns her back towards my chest and moves her hips lightly as I rest my face in her neck and then suddenly twirl her and pull her close to me and dance till the end of the song with my hands on her hips as she sways, singing and throws hands up from time to time. She's so fucking sexy. My dick is begging for relief as I press into her, I can see her breathing change and she closes her eyes every so often trying to suppress a moan.

Once the song is over, we head back to the table. Grace and Carrick give me a knowing smile and wink. God, it's so embarrassing when they do that. I'm not a teenager mom. Thankfully Ana doesn't catch it.

Ana asks the time and I tell her it's almost 11. She picks up her shoes and tells me she'll be right back after her visit to the ladies room. Grace joins her as well to check on last minute caterer arrangements for the midnight champagne and mini dessert fest.

Sometime passes by and I see it's almost 11:30, where is Ana? I see Taylor for the corner of my eye heading towards me. Fuck. I get up and walk towards him.

"Sir, Elena Lincoln accosted Miss Steele, then Dr. Trevelyan found them and confronted her and we had her removed from the premises."

"How the fuck did she get in? Where is Ana and my mom"

"It appears she came in with the catering service, we are still working on that. Miss Steele, went up to her room and your mother is in the study."

"I will deal with Elena eventually but I want you to find out how this happened, this is a real fuckup. Tell Elliot where I am and let know Ana is safe and now to worry. I don't want to be disturbed."

I head back into the house and check in on mom in the study. She's crying. "Mom?"

"I kicked her out. Slapped her wretched face after the hurtful things did to you and said to Ana. I can't believe the nerve of that woman."

"What did she say mom"

"She used Ana's past against her and said some horrible things about how she would never be enough for you. Then she tried to hit Ana, when she spoke back to her but Sawyer intervened."

"I'll head up there now and Mom, I'm sorry. We'll talk about this later."

"Christian, I know I've been all over the place but we're on your side. I'm sorry I didn't say that before, we love you son. But Ana needs you right now"

"I know mom. I know." I nod and close the door trying to fight the burning lump in my throat.

FUCK. Just want I needed. More fucking drama courtesy of Elena Fucking Lincoln, just when Ana I were getting back on track. Way to burst that fucking bubble.

I go up the stairs and see the guest room where Ana and Kate are staying in, slightly ajar. I walk in and see the bathroom door wide open and water running. I see Ana standing, washing her hands and forearms, I walk a little closer and I see her crying and violently scratching and washing herself. I reach out and hold her hands and gently wash them. A shiver runs through her body. Once the soap is off, I grab a towel and dry her.

She doesn't look at me. I hold her chin and move her face up to me and she looks at me with tear filled eyes. She quickly turns her face away and walks out to the bedroom to sit at the window with her knees huddled together. I follow her and sit beside her.

"Ana, what did she say you?"

"Why was she here in the first place? What kind of sick joke is this?" She asks in a low voice.

"She slipped through the catering staff it seems. It was an oversight. Tell me what did she say Ana?"

She takes a deep breath and crosses her legs and straightens her posture and looks at me. She's angry now. Her tears have stopped flowing.

"Nothing I didn't already know." She says with a chilling calm.

"What does that mean?"

"She knows about my past. She obviously did a background check or something. She called me a gold digger and a charity case, which I'm sure what everyone else thought out there too. Did you notice how for the exception of Bill and Melinda, how everyone asked how I bagged "Seattle's most eligible bachelor?" It made me feel like utter shit and it made me realize that this was just a tiny window into what I would eventually experience should we move forward with this."

"Ana, I don't give a fuck about what they think and neither..."

"Exactly Christian you don't because the world you live in is so different from my reality. I am not untouchable Christian. I am vulnerable and breakable. And that woman is not wrong. She knew how to rattle me and when I spoke back to her she tried to slap me but I caught her hand and Sawyer restrained her till Grace dealt with her... but the damage was already done." I can't help but look down on the floor as I feel the anger rise in me "She told me that I would never be enough, that I wasn't the first girl you hoped would save you, that you needs that I couldn't possibly fulfill. That when you were done with me, you'd toss me aside like all the others for being weak."

"Ana... please she's a bitter old, twisted woman and her opinion does not matter. You cannot let her win."

She gets up and starts to pace the room.

"Christian, it's not about winning. It's just... " She rubs her forehead. "She has a dedicated obsession with you. She said that she made you and that I couldn't possibly understood what the two of you had."

I get up and walk to her and hold her face

"She's delusional Ana. She doesn't matter. Do not let her get into your head. What matters most is what we have, your relationships with your family and friends. That's it. Everyone else? Fuck them. We only need each other. What we have is real. It is true." She stares into my eyes but I can tell she isn't convinced. She takes a deep breath and I embrace her. We hear the faint sounds of the countdown. She looks up at me and I give her a smile.

8

7

6

5

4

3

2

1

"Happy New Year Christian." She says with a small smile.

"Happy New Year, Ana. I love you."

"I love you." She breathes.

I lean in and kiss her. It starts off gentle, as I run my hands up and down her body. Her hands weave through my hair as little moans escape with every movement. I want her. I want her so badly. I walk her back to the wall and she responds. I trail kisses down her neck to her breasts. I slip my hands through the open V in her dress and twist her nipples before taking it in my mouth and biting down. She throws her head back and gasps "Christian... I.. I... oh goddd." I let go and kiss her mouth again, not letting her breathe, I take off my jacket and grind aggressively into her, it's urgent and raw. It feels almost juvenile. She grabs the front of my pants and rubs her hand over making me groan and as she's about to unbuckle my pants we hear a loud knock on the door.

It's Kate. Fuck my life.

"Steele, are you okay, I heard what happened?" She calls out from the door. Ana immediately stops and her demeanor changes. She goes ice cold. "I'm sorry I can't do this." She whispers with tears in her eyes and walks towards the door. "One second Kate" She calls out and takes a deep breath as she runs her hand through her hair and quickly fixes her dress. I quickly pick up my jacket and walk in to the bathroom to adjust myself.

I hear her open the door and talk for a bit. When I'm done fixing myself, I come out to an empty room and the rejection stings.

* * *

**Authors Note:** And here y'all though the bitch troll was going down quietly.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out the chapter 20-21 board :) Ana's dress is amazing!

**Music:**

Ball for Me - Post Malone

Near to you - A Fine Frenzy.

**_NYE Party Playlist_**

In My Feelings - Drake.

Motivation - Normani

Sorry – Justin Beiber

Teach Me How To Dougie – Cali Swag District

Can't Hold Us – Macklemore Ryan Lewis.

Blame it on your Love – Charlie XCX feat. Lizzo

Dance to the this - Ariana Grande - song that Ana and Christian dance to.


	22. Chapter 22

oh em gee: Thank you all for the sweet messages and reviews encouraging me to post more and come back. You guys are the absolute best. This chapter will mark the beginning of their GEH adventures, though it will officially start in Chapter 23. That's where the real fun will be.

Elena will continue to be in the very background of this story... she's not a major character but is still a bit of an influence. At least tthat was my intitial idea... i'm still working on that.

Everyone staying inside and safe? WASH THOSE HANDS! Real question: should I totally add a coronavirus storyline into this when I get to the March dates? LOL. No I won't, that will seriously kill the vibe.

* * *

CHAPTER 22 - _I'm good by myself_

January, 1st, 2020.

**APOV:**

_FLASHBACK_

_I exit the tent and walk up the stairs to enter the house through the kitchen and see Sawyer standing guard._

"_Looking real handsome Sawyer." I smile at him._

"_You look okay too, Steele." He smirks._

"_Damn, calm down Luke, you're bouncing off the walls with excitement." I laugh. "Listen, I'm just going in to use the bathroom and drop off my shoes. I'll be right out. Thanks so much for being here, I know working NYE isn't the greatest gig."_

"_I'm being paid well enough and please I'm totally going to swipe some champagne bottles on my way out. " He says with a wink and I can't help but giggle. "Let me know, I'll help with the great heist!" I offer._

_I head in through the kitchen and walk through the central corridor to head over to the stairs to go up to my room but when I hear my name called._

"_Anastasia Steele." I turn around and my eyes land on Medusa Incarnate._

"_What do you want? You're not welcome here." I say._

"_I'm here to give you some advice. You seem to have forgotten your place in life."_

"_You don't know the first thing about me."_

"_I know you're from a small town with no money and nothing but loans and a stack of credit card debt."_

"_Fuck you. You don't know anything." I bite back._

"_Word to the wise. You're fooling yourself. This is just a scene Christian is forcing himself to believe in. What do you think? Dressing you up in designer dresses and getting your hair blown out will change that fact that you're a charity case who got her bones broken? You're weak and he will realize that soon enough. He needs a submissive in life. You think you're the first woman he hoped would save him? He has needs you couldn't even begin to fulfill. So take my advice and leave him. You're nothing but a distraction... an interruption."_

"_You don't know what the fuck you are talking about." I seethe._

"_I made him. All of this... what you're wearing, this is because of what I taught him. What I showed him. I showed him how to ..."_

"_You didn't show him jack shit. You raped him. You took him away from himself and his family. You took him away from the potential of finding love, you made him believe he didn't deserve anything good in life. He loves me and I love him. We see a life together, we are meant to be together. And all of this you talk about, he achieved it all on his own. With his intelligence and his dedication."_

_She laughs at me. A cackling witch like laugh and it doesn't nothing but pronounce her ugliness further._

"_You're making him weak. You'll ruin him and he'll come running back to me and I'll happily wait till that day."_

"_Sure, go ahead but you'll die waiting with all that shitty plastic surgery and fake nails, you go ahead and wait. He'll never come back to you. He'll never think of you. You're past tense. You are of no consequence anymore."_

"_You bitch." She lifts her hand to slap me but I catch her wrist mid swing and twist her arm around her back as Sawyer comes through and restrains her further after I step aside._

_I turn around and see Grace radiating anger with tears in her eyes. She walks towards us and stands in front of a restrained Elena desperately trying to free herself from Sawyers grip._

"_You insufferable bitch. You took my son away from me, from his family and from the world. I confided in you and you took advantage of a troubled boy and kept him in a dark place." She slaps Elena so hard that it scares the shit out of me and I feel the pain as well. Fuck, Grace can really pack a punch._

_Elena looks defeated. "Throw her out of here Sawyer. She's nothing but scum." Grace yells._

_END FLASHBACK._

* * *

I'm done getting ready for breakfast and have packed most of my things, I exit my room and see that Christian's door is still closed. I take a deep breath and walk towards it but before I can knock he opens it and walks out almost bumping into me causing me to gasp and jump back.

"Ana... I'm sorry, I didn't..."

"No, it's okay. You just startled me, I wasn't even sure you were in your room."

"I was heading down for breakfast. What time do you want to leave?"

"About that..." God, why is this so hard. "I think, I'll just go with Elliot, Kate and Mia. I'm not in a good place to talk right now. I just really want to go home and lay in my bed in peace and quiet. Last night really rattled me again. I don't think it's your fault... please don't think that... I'm just not in a good place and I'm really longing to be in my own space, alone." I can't even look at him but I somehow find the courage to for a quick second and his face is tense. I take a deep breath.

He rubs his forehead and takes a deep breath. "Okay."

I nod and turn away to go downstairs but he doesn't follow.

Last night was a bittersweet disaster. I got to kiss the love of my life but only under a heavy cloud of self-doubt and sadness. He sits in front of me, beautiful as ever but I can't look at him again because if I do, i'll lose all my resolve. I can feel his eyes, he won't stop looking at me, at this rate he could stare a hole into me with that intensity.

Breakfast is a recap of last night's shenanigans. Elliot, Kate and Mia do their best to keep the conversation going, while Grandpa Theo and Grandma Margot playfully argue with one another. I can tell Grace barely slept. Her eyes are puffy like mine. We exchange looks every now and then, and give each other small smiles as if to console each other in this confusing time. Carrick reads his morning newspaper but I can tell by his face that he too is worried.

I help clean up the table with Grace and Mia while Kate goes to pack some last minute things. Grandma Margot joins me in the kitchen as I make another cup of tea and gives me a hug and whispers to me...

"My grandson loves you fiercely, never doubt that. You both have survived so much already and you can overcome this too. You both will thrive, darling."

I feel the warmth and genuineness of her words and silently nod before going upstairs to gather the rest of my things before we leave. I ask Grace if I can speak to both her and Carrick in private before I leave and she agrees.

I bring my bag downstairs and leave my things by the door and turn to go find Grace but get distracted by the wall of photos they have in the central corridor. My favorite image is of Mia sitting on Christian's shoulders as Mia bends down to kiss his cheek while his face is scrunched up but there's still a shy smile.

"It's one of my favorite pictures with Mia." I hear him murmur as he stands next to me.

"You were so loved, Christian. Even now, you are so loved." I say trying to hold back tears.

"I've been trying to understand and come to terms with that fact as of recent." I can hear the sadness and regret in his voice.

"I hope you find peace with it soon."

"Ana, please reconsider. After last night, we need to talk..."

"I'm not in a good place right now. I'll just be a crying mess. I need to keep my thoughts and emotions in check and I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm really trying to come out of this. I want to be articulate when we talk and I can't be that right now. It's unfair to the both of us." I quickly turn away and find Grace having coffee with her parents. She looks up and smiles and tells me that Carrick is already in his office. I follow her and close the door, he gets up from his desk and joins Grace on the two chairs across from the couch where I'm sitting.

"Thank you for agreeing to meet with me before I left. I wanted to say that I'm so grateful for everything you've done, for opening your home to me and taking care of me in... all of this. I will never forget your kindness..." I try my best not to cry.

"Ana, please... you're embarrassing us. You're like family now, it's been forever since we had the house filled with people we love." Grace says with tears forming in her eyes.

"Still, I don't ever want you to think I've taken any of it for granted. As mentioned before I said I'd be taking a break from my relationship with Christian. After last night's run in with Elena, I'm fully convinced that this is the right thing to do even though it's excruciating... please believe me when I say that I truly love your son. He is the love of my life but if last night's event was any indication; there is a lot that I need to reconcile with. Not just in terms of his past but also this big life he has. I didn't grow up with all this, I've always had a degree of separation from it growing up with Nita. I was just a visitor at the high society weddings but it wasn't my life." I take a deep breath. _You can do this Ana, just breathe. _"Last night so many people asked me how I was able to land the most eligible bachelor in town and possibly America and I know... I know... people talk that's what they do but when you've happily lived an anonymous life for so long, any threat to that feels like an invasion. " I look up at them and I see Carrick nod in understanding as he rubs Grace's back.

"Money has never been my driving force in life. Family has. My own mother didn't want me and my stepfather did his absolute best and more along with Nita, so you could say I've always just wanted a stable family and while I feel like you're my family as well, I need to also realize that Christian's life outside of this bubble is all consuming and I'm not mentally strong enough to deal with it right now. With all that Elena said last night, there was some truth to it. This break will help Christian realize whether or not this relationship we have is just a novelty or..." I feel a lump burn in my throat and tears free fall. "Because I don't want to be an experiment."

Grace gets up and sits next to me and pulls me in for a hug.

"Ana, I appreciate you saying all this. We know how much you love him, you don't owe us any explanations. All of this will take time. This is the first time Christian has opened up to us and we have a lot to make up for with him. Thank you for bringing our son out of his shell, we wish we could've done more for him but he's here now and we're going to do our best to continue being there for him." Carrick says with a warm smile but I can tell he's heartbroken.

I nod. "I asked him for complete isolation in our personal life but he's your son and you already know how stubborn he is..." Grace laughs at my comment "just try and keep in touch with him... I know Elliot and Mia will do that same... just to make sure he's sleeping and eating well. He loves you all, he just is stuck in his own head when it comes to his own view of himself. He's so unkind to himself. He'll never admit to this to himself but he does need you guys, he's just... afraid I think."

"Thank you, Ana and of course we will check in on him. I'll give you full reports of his well being." She smiles.

"I just need a little time to go back to my life where I can think clearly and have a routine and make an informed decision." I say with resolve.

"You should take all the time you need. We'll be here for anything you may need. We're family now." Carrick says with a smile. We get up and they both hug me. We leave the study and I'm met with Grandpa Theo and Christian talking in the room across from the study, Christian looks worried as he sees me with tears and his parents behind him. I really need to get out of here.

As we get ready to leave, I hug Grandpa Theo who tries to slip me his number making us all laugh out loud and Margot smacks his arm as I go in to hug her as well. I give Grace and Carrick one last hug and turn to Christian. Everyone slowly walks out the door to give up some privacy.

I tiptoe and kiss his cheek and say thank you. He pulls me close into crushing hug, his scent and warmth is intoxicating and I want to melt into him. "I know you need time, but I'll always be here. Promise you'll come back to me." I hear the fear in his voice as it brings me back to reality. "I'm trying." I murmur. He kisses my forehead and tips my face to meet his eyes. His lips are so close, _no Ana don't,_ and with whatever little self-control I have, I turn to walk out. I hear him follow me and I want to desperately run back into his arms but I must keep going forward.

_I must not look back._

**CPOV**

I wanted to kiss her but instead, I just watched her get into the car and drive off. I went back up to my room to back and brought my bags down. Just as I'm about to text Taylor I hear Mom call me from the kitchen. I walk in her direction.

"Stay for dinner Christian, I'll make apple pie." Grandma Margot asks.

"Thanks Grandma but I've got a lot of work to do and I need the home office for some things." I tell her. She smiles and nods.

"Christian, honey, do you have sometime free before you go? Your father and I were hoping we could talk for a bit."

Oh fuck. I don't know if I can handle this.

"Yeah, sure. Now?"

"Yes, would you like some more coffee? Or something to eat?"

Mom used to always offer me something to eat, mostly some sweet treat before we had a serious conversation when I was young, as if to soften the upcoming blow.

"I'm good, Mom but thanks."

I walk into Dad's office and he looks up and smiles at me. Weird. So weird. He's been quite generous with his smiling lately. Mom walks in a few seconds later and I sit on the same chair as I always have for the previous lectures I've gotten since I was a teen.

They sit across from me but the energy feels calmer.

"Mom, Dad... what's this about?"

Dad clears his throat but Grace is the one to speak with a wavering voice.

"I'm sorry, Christian. We're sorry. For being so blind and absent and even now, being so caught up with everything that we never took the time out to sit down with you and tell you how much we love you and how proud we are of you. You've achieved and changed the world so much despite what happened to you and you've been so present and committed to Ana in her time of need. You're our son; we're always going to love you. We might get it wrong every now and then but don't doubt how much we love you."

Oh fuck. This was not what I was expecting. The emotion is too much. I cannot speak. The last thing I want is to bawl like a baby in front of them. I silently nod.

"Son, that god awful woman will get what's coming to her. I was exploring options to bring criminal charges against her but the statute of limitations expired but if there's anything we can do to help you with this outside of emotional support, you tell us."

"I appreciate that Dad. I talked to Travis about getting me out of business with her last week but this little stunt she pulled last night... I'll have it taken care of. I don't want you two worry. Though, Mom I have to ask, how was it slapping her face?" I chuckle.

Grace laughs through the tears. "I'm a pacifist but I have to admit it was barely satisfying, I wouldn't mind having another go at her." I smirk at the thought of Grace going crazy beating the crap out of Elena.

"I'm sorry. I should've trusted you guys when I was younger, I was just too lost inside of my own issues and anger."

Grace gets up and pulls the chair next to me a little closer and takes her place. She holds on to my arm. "Don't be. You were a child. Life was so scary for you before and I understand... it was a confusing time and this was honestly our fault. I told her about you, I thought I was confiding in a friend when she offered to help you with the summer job but I should've been more aware. Please trust us now, Christian. We love you and we only want you to be happy. Cary and I have been talking about the lifestyle stuff too, we don't understand it but we're going to trust you. It's none of our business. Our business is wanting to see you happy and we hope that Ana gets better soon and you both are back to the way you were." She says crying.

I kiss her temple and squeeze her hand. "Thanks mom. It means the world to hear this." My voice is barely a whisper.

"Son, you can always come to us. We're here and we only want the best for you. Know that you can trust us."

I silently nod.

"How will you deal with running into Ana at work?" Grace asks.

"I'm going to do my best to give her space. It'll be difficult because... I've gotten so used to having her in my life and for to suddenly not be there is... it's a challenge."

No, it's fucking devastating. Challenge is something I can win, overcome. Devastating is something I have to silently experience.

They both nod. "Son, she just needs time. When I fucked up with Gracie... back in the last century... she gave me the silent treatment from hell but she came back. And Ana, she really loves you. Patience and faith. You'll need a lot of that but she'll come back." I look to Mom and she gives a wink with a reassuring smile.

"What did she say to you guys?" I ask.

"She was just saying thank you and that she loved you and needed some time away." Grace shares. "You can get through this Christian."

_I don't know if I can mom._

"Thanks mom."

* * *

Thursday, January 2nd, 2020

**APOV**

Coming back to my apartment was emotional experience. I was finally in a space that was mine. _Me_. I was in my own space. Of course all the food had gone bad so Elliot and Mia helped us empty out the fridge and throw out the trash. We then walked to the corner market to get basics and ordered in Chinese and watched some TV. Mia and Kate are flying out to LA tomorrow for the golden globes. Perks of being the daughter of a media mogul? You get tickets to all the award shows. This however is Kate's first time going as a representative of Kavanagh Media since her dad is in London for business.

I came home to two big dish barrel sized u-haul moving boxes in the building mailroom filled with clothes that Kiran had sent. She recently went on a shopping spree and sent me some of her old stuff, which is... a lot, which means I don't have to worry about wardrobe for another 4-6 months. Kate and I go through them and it's a given that she can take whatever she wants but Kate's style has always been on the... edgier and wild side. I've definitely learned some tricks from her, otherwise I'd be a mother Mary at work. This new haul of hand me downs is exquisite. Kiran recently went through a very tailored and sharp phase for her work wear so this works perfectly for me because it's exactly how I want to feel. I want to feel a boss ass bitch and I want my clothes to speak for me.

I sleep well for the first time in days, though my dreams still are a blur of his kisses and us dancing under starry skies followed by being tied up and whipped. It's confusing. My body is craving him. It's almost unholy but also right. It feels right to want him.

The whole apartment is quiet as I make my breakfast and enjoy the solitude. I leave notes for Mia all over the kitchen to show here where everything is should she want to cook breakfast. I choose to wear a fun white asymmetrical peplum top with black cigarette pants that are slightly above the ankle. I pair them with my black kitten heels and do my signature ponytail. I layer on the mascara and apply a slight blush with some highlighter to give me a bit of a glow and leave the apartment with purpose. _Today will be good. Going back to a routine will be good._

I head out of the apartment humming a favorite to get me in the mood to face the day.

_'Cause I already got a good thing with me (good thing with me)  
Yeah, I already got everything I need (everything I need)  
The best things in life are already mine  
Don't tell me that you got a good thing for me  
'Cause I already got a good thing with me (good thing with me)  
Yeah, I already done everything I dream (everything I dream)  
I'm good by myself, don't need no one else  
Don't tell me that you got a good thing for me  
'Cause I already got a good thing_

I feel the wind get knocked out me as soon as I leave my apartment building. I see Sawyer get out of the Audi SUV and open the door for me. I told Christian our lives were to be separate outside of GEH. I look around and I see another Audi parked a few cars behind and doing a shitty job of blending in. _I can see your fucking number plate, asshole_. I give it the death glare. I walk up to Sawyer ready to unleash my wrath on him but then I remember he's a friend now and he's just following orders.

"Morning, Steele."

"Good Morning, Sawyer. I never thanked you for New Year's Eve, thank you for always looking out for me."

"Just doing my job, Steele." He says with a nod and smile.

"Listen, I know it's your job to essentially narc on me but I'm pissed at your boss and we're on a break. I am walking to work. "

Sawyer stifles a laugh. "I haven't heard the word narc in forever but Mr. Grey will not be pleased."

"Well, that's tough luck for Mr. Grey."

I turn to start walking and I suddenly hear Taylor call after me. I stop and groan as I turn around.

"Miss Steele. I understand the situation but please understand, it's not safe for you to be going anywhere alone without protection."

I decide that instead of arguing with him, I'm just going to go back to the apartment and wait them out.

"You know what Taylor, I didn't ask for any of this. The only reason why I could possibly be in danger is because of him. So you know what, fuck it. I'm going back to the apartment because I don't feel well anyway. Tell Gail I miss her and Happy New Year to you both." He nods and gives me a small smile "Happy New Year, Miss Steele."

Once I get to the apartment, I want to scream but everyone is still sleeping so that's a no go. _Think Ana, think._ I could take an uber from the back exit of the building but he could easily track my credit card purchases. I wouldn't put it past him, to track me that way, fuck he's probably tracking my phone right now. I'll use Nita's uber account and venmo her the money. Yes, that will work. I request and take the elevator to the 2nd floor and use the fire exit stairs to avoid being seen from the front lobby and walk to the back exit for the building where my Uber is waiting. I turn my phone off and get into the car.

I'm at GEH in less than 15 minutes.

I walk to my desk and put my things away. Time to face Mr. Travis. God, this will be embarrassing. I knock on his door and I see him reading over some documents. He looks up and smiles. Oh god, _be strong Steele. You can do this._

"Good morning, Mr. Travis. Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year Ana, how are you feeling?"

"I'm doing well. I was hoping I could have 5 minutes of your time to talk about a personal matter."

"Of course. Please sit."

I take a seat in front of his desk and do my best to channel my inner Steele.

"Mr. Travis, Chris...I mean Mr. Grey, told me that he spoke with you regarding what happened recently with my health and confirmed that we are in a relationship."

He smiles and nods. "Yes he did."

"I wanted to assure you that this will not affect my work in anyway aside from what happened very recently. It was something that was out of my control but I am working to better myself. I don't want you to think that I will slack off or take advantage of my association with him. I am extremely dedicated to my job and committed to serving the interests of GEH as a whole. I hope that my work from my before my association with him will speak loud enough to my intentions as an employee of this company." I say with as much sincerity as I can. "I'm extremely discrete about my private life and I haven't told anyone here, even my closest GEH friends, I haven't told them. I value my privacy and I know the fascination with Mr. Grey... so I don't want ot cause any problems for anyone."

He begins to speak with paternal affection. "Ana, I appreciate you saying all this but you didn't have to. You've proven yourself time and time again. I trust your judgement and your work has been exceptional so far. I know you're a perfectionist, it's honestly scary sometimes but you've made things really easy for me so I have no doubt that you will continue to do so. Please feel free to talk to me should any problems arise. I've known Christian since he was a teenager and seen him accomplish all this while standing by him every step of the way and now to see him meet someone like you, I'm honestly happy for you both. I understand things a little rocky right now but it'll be smooth sailing in no time.

I swallow and give him a weak smile.

"Thank you Mr. Travis. I appreciate this."

"I see you as a daughter. Please don't ever hesitate to talk to me in the future."

_Oh Mr. Travis, please don't make me cry._

"Thank you sir, that means a lot." I smile trying to hold back tears.

**CPOV**

I know she said she wanted me to stay away but I can't. I need to see her, I need to see that she's okay. I see her walk out with the bubbling energy she usually has but her face falls flat as soon as she registers the car to pick her up, with Sawyer jumping out to hold the door open for her. She looks around and her eyes land on my SUV and she just stares and it's like she can see through, it makes me flinch slightly.

She turns her head back to Sawyer and walks straight up to him. I can tell she's probably ripping him to shreds because his head is hanging the entire time. She turns and starts to walk away.

"Sir, let me go speak to her." Taylor stops me before I open my door to go after her.

"Fine. Tell her how important it is for her to have security."

I see Taylor run behind her and stop her. Again, I see that same fire and she is pissed as hell. She throws up her hands and walks back into the building.

"What did she say?" I ask as soon as Taylor opens the door to sit in again.

"Sir, she said she's not going to work, she's not feeling well."

I can see a hint of a smile on his face. He's probably enjoying the fact that someone is finally standing up to me. _Me too, Taylor, me too but there can be no compromises when it comes to safety_.

"Taylor, I'm going upstairs to talk to her." Hopefully I can reason with her and see her beautiful face up close.

Grateful that my name is on approved visitors list, I head up to her apartment and knock. No one opens. I knock a few more times and a sleepy Kate opens the door.

"Grey, it is too early in the morning." She yawns. "It's 8am Kate, where's Ana?"

"Let me see." She heads on to Ana's room and walks back "Ana's gone to work. Why?"

"No, I was just downstairs and she told Taylor she wasn't feeling well and came up. She can't go anywhere alone, she needs security. It's imperative."

Kate looks at me and I can see the wheels turning. "Ah, she gave you guys the slip then, that's my girl." Kate yawns and giggles.

"Call her Kate, this is not funny. I don't fuck around when it comes to security." She gives me a 'fuck off' look but goes back into her room to get her phone. In the meantime I call Welch and tell him to track her phone and credit cards and get back to me on any recent purchases.

"I called her, her phone is off." Kate tells me and sets the phone to speakerphone as she tries again.

I get a call from Welch almost immediately that her phone's last location was the apartment and there have been no credit card purchases for the past week with the exception of automatic bill payments or subscriptions.

"Keep trying her Kate."

My phone buzzes. "Grey."

"Sir, Miss Steele just walked into GEH. Front desk just alerted me." Taylor informs me.

"Thank fuck. Okay I'll be right down."

I look to Kate. "She's already at work. It appears she may have taken an uber but definitely not with her own credit card. Did you help her?"

"Don't look at me like that. She has my uber credentials but she didn't use my account and you know what, I don't need to give you any further information. She's a grown ass woman and she can do whatever she wants. Let her be Christian. "

"I can't Kate. If anything happened to her, I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

"Then stop trying to smother her. Let her come to you. Stop just being there. Let her come find you. God you men are so fucking hopeless sometimes. I'm going back to bed. Bye."

I leave the apartment wanting to punch the wall in frustration. I sit in the car feeling so fucking out of control. I count back from 20 at least 15 times.

"Sir, might I propose a new covert be assigned to Miss Steele? " I hear Taylor's voice cut through the blur of my angry mind.

"Fine, make sure it's a woman then. Hopefully it'll be harder for her to suspect. And I want full activity reports at the end of each day."

"Noted. I'll have it done by lunch time."

...

Trying to focus is a fucking nightmare. My eyes keep darting to the chair where she got on her knees... Fuck. Just thinking of it gets me hard.

"Welch, I need access to the CCTV feed for the elevators, 5th floor, 18th floor, the lobby and outside plaza."

"Yes sir. Emailing you a link in the next 2 minutes."

Yes, this will help. I can watch her. God, I sound like a creepy motherfucker.

* * *

_Tuesday, January 14__th__, 2020_

Any chance of sleep has been shot to hell. My running routes are longer; Taylor hates my guts for sure. I'm meeting with Claude twice a day, I even had the overconfident fucker for session over the weekend. That's never happened. It's been 13 days since I was close enough to hold her. 13 long and difficult days. Watching her on the CCTV doesn't do her justice; I have a serious problem now. I'm restless and irritable. I've seen Ana around the building and she's diligently ignored me... it fucking stings and it's messing with my head.

I get activity reports from her assigned covert protection. She's been staying late at work. Sometimes she'll take a Pilates class during the week and on the weekend. Last weekend she went to two museums and walked around the city aimlessly. _She's recalibrating. _The covert attaches pictures to their reports and I see so much sadness in her. I wonder what she's thinking? This past weekend, she went out to brunch with her GEH friends and then went back to their place and got back home late. I feel incredibly jealous. She should be with me. We should be together.

Taylor drops me off at the front entrance after my lunch meeting and I walk in to a group of people waiting for the elevator. I immediately spot Ana, her hair is curled and hangs off of her back. She moves to take of her coat, while leaning over a fellow female employee's shoulder to see something on her phone. They both giggle like little schoolgirls. I'm a couple of feet away hoping she doesn't sense me until we're in the elevator.

I hear the male employee to Ana's left start to speak, I take a good look and realize it's her friend Jose.

"God, I honestly don't know how to you drink that shit?" He says with disgust.

"With your receding hair line, I honestly don't know how you can not." She sneers and I try to stifle a grin. Miss Steele never holds back.

"Hag." He scoffs.

"Queen." She giggles.

"Seriously, you're the only person I know who likes shit like that. Carrot and ginger juice, I mean... at least tell me there's some alcohol in there?"

"There's orange and lemon juice in here too, it's not so bad. At least try some... here." She hands the bright orange drink to him. I see Jose shiver and wave his hand dismissively towards her. "Get that white girl shit away from me."

"I'm ignoring you now." Ana declares and turns to the woman on her right. "Val, can you ask Anita to respond to my emails. Sam told me she's reliable but I've sent her three emails already. I need feasibility reports with the different zoning options for Lot 43. There's an internal meeting tomorrow to finalize what option to go for before the appointment with the Mayor and SDCI commissioner with the City on Friday and legal needs a final lookover on the language."

"I'll give her a nudge." Val offers.

"No tell her to at least reply to my damn email with an ETA. The lack of response is what pisses me off." Ana says annoyed.

The elevator doors open and we all shuffle in. Ana turns around while taking a sip of her drink and our eyes lock, she immediately looks to her phone and ignores me as I turn my back to her. Fuck, _those lips._

As the elevator stops on multiple floors, the crowd thins out till there is only Ana, Jose, Val and myself in the confined space. The both do not say a word as they stand behind me. I can smell Ana's perfume and the pull of her body. _I need her._

The doors open at 18 and I see her walk out from behind me with Jose, who turns to his left while Ana heads straight ahead down the hall. God she has a great ass. That leather pencil skirt is sexy as fuck. She's in a black knit top with a leather pencil skirt and black polka dot heels with bows on them. I love how she pairs the softness with a bit of edge.

I get back to the office and log into the CCTV footage and click back a few minutes to see Ana during the elevator ride. She barely looks up at me. Val and Jose make exaggerated faces after pointing at me while fanning themselves and Ana looks towards the back of my head and then rolls her eyes at them. It makes me laugh. If only your friends knew Miss Steele.

I see a ping show up and lo and behold it's Ana's messages from the GEH internal chat forum. Yes, I got that forwarded to me too, why? Because it's my fucking company and I can do whatever I very well please.

V. Clarke: Seriously, how can you not think he's hot?

A. Steele: By having better things to do Val.

V. Clarke: He was TOTALLY checking out your ass. GIRL.

Oh fuck. I got caught.

A. Steele: Okay, you need to relax. For real.

V. Clarke: Oh come on, indulge me? Just admit he's hot.

A. Steele: Remember the golden words "STAY AWAY FROM..."? That also applies to pointless conversations of his 'hotness.' Now get Anita to reply to my god damn email.

V. Clarke: God, are you sure you're straight?

I can't help but chuckle. I have half a mind to fire this Val Clarke woman but her conversations with Ana prove to be entertaining. A couple of seconds later I hear another ping.

J. Rodriguez: Heard someone got their ass checked out. Though, I'm gutted it wasn't mine given how I've been working out to get that JLo level booty.

A. Steele: FFS. Val and her big mouth and also... you both are INSANE.

J. Rodriguez: Well my dreams are crushed.

A. Steele: You have a husband Jose, *facepalm

J. Rodriguez: So? A guy can dream.

A. Steele: You guys really need a new hobby.

J. Rodriguez: No, we need to get you laid and a boyfriend ASAP. I know a few people. I keep telling you I can get you an activation key for your...

A. Steele: DON'T YOU DARE COMPLETE THE SENTENCE JOSE NOEL RODRIGUEZ.

J. Rodriguez: oooh feisty... definitely adding that to your online profile.

A. Steele: You might want to get insurance on that sorry ass of yours, JLo like did.

J. Rodriguez: Why, you gonna spank me?

A. Steele: GO TO HELL WITH YOUR RECEDING HAIR LINE RODRIGUEZ.

J. Rodriguez: Already have a first class tickets there boo, taking you and Val with me. A Queen always needs her hags.

I'm equally amused and pissed off by these exchanges.

The afternoon drones on with meetings and conference calls of me mostly yelling. The lack of sex is getting to me. Which technically should not be a problem since I've gone as long as a whole year without sex but with Ana, it's not just sex... it's... a holy experience I crave and absolutely _need_. Having Ana this close yet so fucking far is throwing off my game. Ros has already given me a piece of her mind. Olivia has steered clear of me and I'm pretty sure Andrea has the nearest asylum on speed dial.

I'm going over one some renewal contracts when I realize that it's dark outside and I check the time to see it's just after 6. I open the CCTV feed and see Ana typing furiously. Every now and then she stretches and rolls out the kinks in her neck. _Oh baby, I'd love to give you a massage and then make you come so hard you'd forget what planet you're on_. She gets a call on her cell and picks it up and I see her face light up. She turns off her computer and jumps up wearing her coat in a frenzy and dashes towards the elevator. What the fuck has got her all excited?

I switch to the elevator CCTV then to the front lobby and then the plaza feed as she moves through the spaces. Once she's out in the plaza, I see her run up and hug a tall guy. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK? I can barely see his face but by the looks of it he seems blonde. It's definitely not Elliot. FUCK. WHO IS THIS GUY. They jump into a car and drive off.

"Welch, Miss Steele just exited the building and met with a man in the plaza. Run facial recognition and give me his info."

"On it, Sir."

I hang up and proceed to call Taylor.

"Get the car out front. We're going to Miss Steele's."

Count, Grey. Count. Breathe. Do not lose control. I keep telling myself this mantra as Taylor drives like bat through hell to get to Ana's apartment. He can sense my bristling anger.

I get to the front of her building and pretty much run out of the car and make my way up to her apartment. I get to her door and hear loud laughter and it pierces through my soul. I feel my phone buzz but fuck that shit. I bang on the door like a madman, close to breaking it.

Ana opens the door and her face goes from confused to pissed off in an instant. I look at her and then see the blonde opening a beer bottle.

"Who the fuck is he Ana?" I shout.

"How dare you Christian?" She yells back.

"Don't fuck with me Ana, who is he?"

I see Kate rush out of her room and look at us.

"Ethan Albert Kavanagh, meet Christian Trevelyan Grey. Apparently he's forgotten his manners today."

I feel a fraction of relief but I'm still pissed as fuck. I try to find my next words when Ana asks Kate and Ethan to give us privacy. Kate gives me the death glare while her and Ethan head out to their bar nearby to wait for Elliot and Mia. They close the door behind them and I turn my face to Ana.

"What the fuck are you playing at? Hugging random men outside on the street? You think this is funny?" I'm clenching my fists so hard I feel they will bleed

She looks at me with what I can only sense is disgust.

"He is not a random man. He is my best friend's older brother who by the way I see as a brother as well. He was in the area meeting with a recruiter and got done as soon as I did so we decided to share an uber. And how the fuck did you find out?"

"Security alerted me. I saw the way he held you and looked at you. He wants what's mine. I don't give a shit how you see him, I know how men see you and what they're thinking of when they see you. "

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath and proceeds to speak in the calmest voice.

"We're setting him up with Mia tonight. They're actually pretty excited to meet each other if you must know..."

Oh. Oh fuck. FUCKKKK.

"...now, I'm going to put this in the only way you will understand. We had a verbal agreement where upon you agreed to give me space in my personal life. You broke that agreement twice already, first with the security and now with this visit. I will not let there be a third time. As of now I am not your girlfriend, I sure as hell am not your submissive to order around. Our only relationship is that of an employee and employer and right now what you are doing is a gross invasion of my personal time and privacy... Please leave."

We're standing about 6 feet apart but I walk up to her and get in her face. How dare she fucking speaking to me this way. I'm pissed as fuck and turned on. Right now I could fuck her into next week.

"You think you can just get over me? You think I'm that easy to get over? TELL ME ANASTASIA? BECAUSE LAST I CHECKED... YOU'RE MINE AND ONLY MINE." I almost grab her but she takes a several steps back using her hand signaling me to stop. For a beat I see fear flash across her face as she shivers, similar to when I walked into her sitting in my room the first day at mom and dad's and I feel an immediate pang of regret.

I see her grit her teeth trying to maintain her composure and god she smells intoxicating. This is confusing but she doesn't break eye contact for even a second.

"And there it is. Dominant-Megalomaniac CEO Christian Grey. Boy, you really are full of yourself. Let me tell you something Christian Grey, I came back from death. What kind of a feat do you think getting over you will be?" She asks with her voice heavy and I can see tears begin to fall but her anger still burning bright. I feel a punch to the gut as my world slowly falls apart.

"You don't mean that." My voice is barely a whisper. I feel a lump strangle my throat.

"Get the fuck out of my apartment before I throw you out." She seethes.

I swallow and slowly retreat to leave. I don't know how I get back to the car or even to Escala. It's all a blur. I check Welch's 4 missed calls and text confirming Ethan's identity. I fucked up. I fucked up, again.

I text John tell him I need an emergency session tomorrow.

* * *

_Wednesday, January 15th, 2020_

"John... I can't explain it. I felt the ground fall out from under me."

"Christian, do you trust Anastasia?"

"Implicitly."

"Then why go to her apartment and accuse her of not only cheating on you but claiming that she wouldn't be able to get over you?"

"Because I'm a sick fuck John. When I saw her hugging Kate's brother on the CCTV footage, I lost my shit. How can she not want me? She said that we were meant to be together, I KNOW we're meant to be together. Then how can she just walk away? Just the thought of rejection sent me into a spiral."

"Well, she asked for space and you disrespected that request. In fact you keep disrespecting her need for space and now her privacy." John says matter of factly. _Yeah, no shit Sherlock, I don't need to pay you $550 an hour to realize that._

"I know. I know. FUCK... I know I overreacted and now I don't know what the fuck to do."

"Christian, you're a brilliant and shrewd businessman but Ana is not a business. She is a human being with free will and complex emotions just like yourself. She is your equal in this relationship and she expressed a need that is not being met."

"What about my fucking needs? I need her but it's so fucking easy for her to just walk around without me."

"Well, right now you're assuming her ease of being in this current situation. You don't know what she's going through. You have to understand that she had a life before you. A network she created for herself that she can fall back on. You, in comparison are quite closed off so while she can find distraction in real life, you in your personal life are unable to do because of the choices you made. Therefore your fixation on her is unhealthy Christian. You both analyze and process situations very differently. I highly encourage you to talk to your peers. Talk to Elliot, he's your brother and has your best interest at heart."

"Has she been coming to therapy?"

"I'm not at liberty to discuss her sessions or her visits with you unless I have her consent Christian, you know this already."

"Fuck. I know. I just... She won't talk to me John, there's so much I want to say. Fucking Elena, fucked it all up. We were doing so well those last two days and her visit compromised everything."

"Christian, in addition to being your therapist I also see you as a friend and therefore right now I'm going to give you advice as a friend. Often doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do. As someone who for the better part of the last decade has been used to getting his way, this new experience in your life is an education. You must take this as opportunity to learn more about yourself and evolve."

Why is this fucker always right? I am not about to give him the satisfaction but he is right. I need to calm the fuck down and keep my word. If she is to ever trust me again, I need to fucking get my shit together.

**APOV**

I'm at my desk and all I want to do is cry. The anger and hurt from last night is still coursing through my veins.

"_Mia, Elliot, I know he's your brother and you love him but I will cut his balls off if he EVER pulls a stunt like this again. He's on my shit list." Kate says with passionate disdain._

"_Don't worry babe, I'll beat you to it." Elliot offers. "_

"_I'm so sorry Ana. He really doesn't think sometimes." Mia pulls me in for a hug. _

"_It's okay guys, I'm just shocked that's all." I try my best to act like I'm okay when in reality I want to breakdown and cry the rest of my days. I've never been accused of disloyalty, ever._

"_Are you sure about my birthday dinner next week? Will it be uncomfortable for you?" Elliot asks me._

"_What? Don't be silly. I'll be fine, besides Kiran and Daniel will be there too. It'll be more than fine." I assure him with a smile and go in to hug him. "Maybe we should be careful hugging, Christian might come barreling through the door again." Elliot teases and I laugh._

I get texts through out the day from everyone checking in on me. Even Grace calls and I put her mind at ease. God, they really do love the both of us. If only that mercurial man upstairs got it through his thick head how much we adore him then we'd not be having these problems.

Towards late afternoon I get a call from Dr. Flynn.

"Ana, I hope I haven't called at a bad time."

"No, Dr. Flynn... is everything okay?"

"I actually wanted to check up on you. I spoke with Christian and he mentioned what happened last night. I wanted to see how you were doing."

_Don't cry, Ana. Don't cry. _"I'm okay Dr. Flynn. I mean...I have no other option now do I. I can't exactly afford to just sit at home and wallow over this?" I let out a slight chuckle.

"Agreed. I wanted to see when you want to schedule your next appointment. I thought we made a deal for you to come to therapy regularly. "

"I know and I'm sorry. I've been trying to catch up at work since I missed so many days. I'll call Marcy and schedule the appointment... could you transfer me to her so I can settle the bill first?"

I know I need to see him soon and not let any further negative feelings fester but a part of me is too numb. I need to process this on my own so that I can get the most out of my sessions instead of just crying the entire time. I can cry for free on my own time. I haven't even thought of how much he charges an hour. Great; another unforeseen expense.

"Hey Marcy, I wanted to settle my bill for the last three sessions before I book another one."

"Miss Steele, your bill has been paid for in advance."

"What? No, there has to be a mistake, I just recently became patient, there is no way my bill got paid for in advance."

"That's what I'm seeing in my system right now. You don't owe any payment for the foreseeable future."

"Can you tell me who made the payments on my account?"

"Let me see... hmmm... yes payments were made by a Mr. Grey."

I hang up and curse inwardly. That overly generous motherfucker, I love him and I want to beat the living crap out of him.

I decide to go down to the 3rd floor to the security office to talk to Taylor.

"Miss Steele, how can I help?" Taylor stands immediately. His office is like a security command center from a movie. There's a whole wall plastered with screens. I see another man who looks at me and immediately looks away to focus on his screen and type away.

"Uh, who is he?" I whisper.

"That's Welch, he's our security consultant for special projects but you can speak freely, I assure you."

"Okay... so I know you have someone following me and that he's watching me on the cameras. I've never run into him this many times ever in my time at GEH. I need this to stop. Please. I'm feeling suffocated"

"Miss Steele, this is conversation you need to have with Mr. Grey."

"If Mr. Grey was a reasonable man, I'd have a conversation but since we both know how absolutely bat shit crazy he can be given what happened last night, I am coming to you as a last resort." I see Taylor try to stifle a smile while Welch snorts.

"I'm glad you all find me funny." I can't help but giggle myself and then tears start to fall. Taylor, like the gentleman he is, offers me a handkerchief.

"Thank you, Taylor."

Taylor whispers to me "He is a good man, just a little hot headed. He really feels for you, this is all very new to him." I nod, trying to stop my tears from flowing even more. "He scared me Taylor."

"I can imagine and I'm sorry you went through that."

"How is he?" Taylor's eyes soften. "He feels like shit that's for sure."

"Is he eating and sleeping?"

"Not much. Gail has tried to get him to eat but he's been distracted and holed up in his office."

I look away trying my best not to breakdown anymore.

This last week, I did my best to rebuild myself. Being in my apartment and getting back into routine has been such a blessing. At first I was hurt and lost, mostly numb. I didn't feel like myself but now, I'm feeling anger. Anger at everything but mostly at myself, I was so weak that I let revelations from Christian's past bring me to a breaking point. I should've been stronger. I shouldn't have been so pathetic.

I was so desperate to run away from San Francisco that I refused to talk about my life with other people because I didn't want it to be real. I wanted to tuck it away into a dark corner. I compartmentalized to the point where no one except, Kate and now Christian with his family know everything. I have all these friends and none of them know anything real about me. They know this façade. Which yes, is a part of my personality but it's not my whole truth. I have kept them all at a distance. Since the rape, aside from Kate, Christian is the first person; I've truly opened up to. I want to tell him everything but there's so much pain inside of me that... _but he has enough of his own_. I need to learn to keep my pain to myself. With Kate, I've rarely cried talking about my shit. I've always just put it in bullet points and we've sat there and analyzed it. With Christian, I want to break down like a baby, wanting to be held. Wanting to be protected and it makes me hate myself because I hated that shit when people would just hug me in recovery. I had no control over my body and people would just throw themselves at me and even though I couldn't feel it, I still hated it.

I should be stronger. Dad told me I was strong. Nani told me I was strong. So I channeled that energy into my physical recovery and I made strides. I became that 0.01% of the population to make a full recovery from full paralysis. I came back.

Then why don't I feel strong?

Before the accident, I didn't have any secrets because I never felt the need to hide anything. I lived an incredibly simple life. I had friends in band and that was enough for me. I had an amazing relationship with Kiran and Vishaal. After the accident, everything changed. I had so much of what felt like darkness inside of me. So I kept it in. I kept the pain inside but I confided in Vishaal. He was my brother and we were each others vaults. I told him about my fears and dreams but he let me down. Then after that morning I realized, no one wants to see a sad girl because they either way to runaway from her or break her further. I suppressed it and after a while it became a numbing force that helped me push through.

Kiran's wedding was the first time I showed real emotion in regards to myself and that too so freely, and it was the first time I talked about my accident or even alluded to it in public. I thought it'd make me feel better but it made me feel trapped. Trapped by the pitiful stares.

Is Christian really with me because he just sees me as a project? A broken girl in need of repair? Will he toss me aside eventually? Maybe this break will help him realize that. He has a big life and important life. My issues shouldn't burden it further.

Maybe this break will help me realize that I am better off alone. Yes I need to work on myself. I need to go to therapy but I need to be alone. No one deserves to deal with a partner with this level of tragedy brewing inside of her.

There are days when I think I should just move back to Montesano. Go back to that small and simple life. We still have dad's house. I could get a job at the local library. I could tutor kids and babysit. I could live a small and simple life again. I could be safe again.

_I just want to be safe again._

* * *

**Authors Note: **The next chapter will be very interesting. Ana and Christian will officially be introduced to each other at work and more fun things will happen.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out the chapter 22 board :)

**Music:**

Good Thing - Zedd & Kehlani.


	23. Chapter 23

ooof, so many different points of view. some for team CG, some for team AS. Either way, we love them both and they will get their HEA in the end. It'll just take a while.

how are we all doing? Is the quarantine driving you up the wall? Stay safe my lovely fanfic familia.

to the guest reviewers, please leave intials, i'd like to write back to you in the beginning of every story if possible rather than just tagging you as 'guest'. I really did like the idea of some people suggesting the Christian go on a trip but i've already written out the story and i'm too lazy to change it haha.

To the guest who wrote about being asian - HIIII! yes, Ana while not traditionally asian was raised with south asian values. so the idea of not needing external help is deeply rooted in her and it's an idea she will have to let go of slowly. As far as the BDSM stuff goes, it's purely a matter of perspective. She cannot seem to seperate it from her own trauma. That will take time and research. Trauma can rewire our brain and personality is such profoundly chaotic ways. There's a lot of unlearning and relearning she has to do. And she will get there eventually.

Someone said they did not like my version of Ana. I got a few messages begging for more CG drama instead but this is purely Ana's story. There are enough fanfics where Ana is just the bystander in CG's drama and she just accepts everything and forgives and it's all hunky dory. Well guess what, I want some drama. hehe.

For those of you who will leave a review, please list our location, state or country. I would love to know where you all are from.

GET - SET - READ.

* * *

Chapter 23 – Everything's gonna be okay, baby girl.

Friday, January 17th, 2020

**CPOV**

I've barely slept since Tuesday. I've been haunted by her words. I fucked up. I've met with Flynn every single day and I'm just going in circles, frustrated to the point of breaking. I've noticed that there is something so strikingly different about her since the New Year. The way she walks, her voice, the clothes she's wearing now... They're all structured and authoritative. I miss the beautiful, innocent girl from the wedding. I miss her eyes, her giggle, her lips the taste of her skin, being inside...

"Sir, Ros is ready to head down with to the car for your meeting at 11am." Andrea buzzes through the intercom.

"I need 5 minutes." I bark at her. I've been hell on wheels and yelled at every one who's anyone in my way... and now I have a raging boner. I quickly rub one out and wash up. I head out the office and see Ros laughing with Olivia. It's the only reason why I haven't tossed her out on her ass yet... because she works well for Ros. It's only my shit she fucks up.

"Let's go, Ros."

"No, now I need 5 minutes. Hold on." She snaps back at me. Honestly, only she can get away with this shit. I got back to checking my emails and messages. She looks back to Olivia who has now calmed down about 50 degrees from her earlier display of enthusiasm. That's right, _fear me. _You moron.

"When was this planned?" Ros asks.

"Oh, she actually tried to schedule it for right before the holidays but there was a death in her family so it got postponed and now she's reserved the Secret Garden again for this evening. It's going to be packed. I can't wait." Olivia smiles.

"I haven't been there in AGES. Fuck, I have that early dinner meeting. It ends at 8:30. How long is this whole thing?"

"It's till 10pm officially but I guess we can all still hang out. Will you come?"

"If Ana's hosting, I'm definitely coming." Ros snorts. I look up at her. What the hell is going on? "Why didn't you add me on the email list for this?" Ros asks slightly affronted.

"Ana only keeps the email chain only for cookie announcements. For anything outside of GEH, she's using an app called Slack and she's created a hashtag for everyone to subscribe to where she posts ideas or announcements. I'll create you an account and add you to it and will give you your credentials to install the app on your phone." Olivia efficiently offers. If only she did this shit in her actual job.. that she was fucking hired to do.

"Do that and I'll see if Gwen want's to tag along? She's been wanting to see Ana again... okay Christian, I'm ready, let's go."

"It's about fucking time." I snap.

"Whatever, keep your foul mood to yourself, Grey."

We step on to the elevator. "What the fuck is this social bullshit?" I ask irritated. I want Ana back and now all these assholes get to hangout with her? Fuck that.

"Don't fucking snap at me Christian, either go and get laid or get a fucking lobotomy because you have been getting on my fucking nerves since the New Year." She's right. Fuck, I can't help it.

"Okay fine, what is this social situation about?" I ask in a slightly milder tone.

"That girl from legal who makes cookies? Ana? She's trying to get everyone together for Karaoke and social events outside of work. Everyone here is so tightly wound up thanks to you so we need shit like this to relax."

"Ros, I don't want this fucking up anything with GEH." I warn her.

"Listen to me, she's a smart girl. She's using a third party app to organize a social event for off hours. What people do in their personal time is their business but if it can help build community at GEH, then she can fucking host bar mitzvah's every day in the 5h floor atrium and I'd let her. She's made my life a fucking breeze with helping get shit through for legal with her charm and wit. So yeah, she's untouchable. You'd like her, she's got spunk." She grins like a Cheshire cat.

We exit the elevators and walk to the SUV's outside where Taylor is waiting.

"Last I checked this is still my company so I can shut this down if I want." I bite back. Fuck, why am I so irrational? I should be fucking proud of her. My second in command is singing her praises.

"You do that and I will walk. I see a lot of promise in her Grey. I have never seen a GEH employee do what she does. She's fucking gets shit done and she works at lightening speed. She's like Andrea but better and for the whole god damn building. Imagine what she could do for us if she was nurtured. I'm going to give her till summer and then I'm taking her under my wing full time. Travis will just have to deal." She laughs and I can't help but smirk. My girl shines through everything. Miss Steele, you never cease to amaze me. Ros has never stuck up for an employee like that. Shit. This is serious.

"How does she know Gwen?"

"They met before Columbus Day weekend. Gwen came by to have lunch with me but I was stuck in a meeting in Legal so she came up to 18th and Ana took care of her in the waiting area outside Travis's office. Her feet were like the size of watermelons so Ana created a makeshift foot stool with the cushions and got her some juice and talked to her about all sorts of shit till I got out. They became freaking besties after that and are always texting each other. I swear, I'm the third wheeler in the marriage right now." Ros laughs.

Fuck me. My girl is a walking miracle.

* * *

In other stalker news, I'm also having Anastasia's emails monitored and forwarded to me. Yes, that is what it has come to. Since she won't talk to me or look at me, I have to get my fill somehow.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Azure Chemicals Report.

To: Bradley Ducos

Date: January, 17th , 2020 – 10:30AM

Bradley,

What's the ETA on the projection report?

Anastasia Steele

Assistant to Michael Travis, Legal: Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

From: Bradley Ducos

Subject: Re: Azure Chemicals Report.

To: Anastasia Steele

Date: January, 17th, 2020 – 10:31AM

Ana,

I can get it to you by 3:30pm the latest.

Bradley Ducos

Financial Analyst, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Re: Azure Chemicals Report.

To: Bradley Ducos

Date: January, 17th, 2020, 2020 – 10:31AM

No can do. Need it by 2pm. I have to proofread it and then make copies and prep for the 4:30pm meeting with the COO and other execs.

Get it to me by 2pm and I'll help you write your wedding vows.

Anastasia Steele

Assistant to Michael Travis, Legal: Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

From: Bradley Ducos

Subject: Re: Azure Chemicals Report.

To: Anastasia Steele

Date: January, 17th, 2020 – 10:32AM

2:30pm?

Bradley Ducos

Head Financial Analyst, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Re: Azure Chemicals Report.

To: Bradley Ducos

Date: January, 17th, 2020 – 10:33AM

No deal.

Anastasia Steele

Assistant to Michael Travis, Legal: Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

From: Bradley Ducos

Subject: Re: Azure Chemicals Report.

To: Anastasia Steele

Date: January, 17th, 2020 – 10:33AM

You'll have it by 2pm.

Bradley Ducos

Head Financial Analyst, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Re: Azure Chemicals Report.

To: Bradley Ducos

Date: January, 17th, 2020 – 10:34AM

Good. Meet me in Conference Room A on 18th 4pm. I'll be setting up. Bring a notepad as well. You'll need it.

Anastasia Steele

Assistant to Michael Travis, Legal: Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

From: Bradley Ducos

Subject: Re: Azure Chemicals Report.

To: Anastasia Steele

Date: January, 17th, 2020 – 10:34AM

Got it.

Bradley Ducos

Head Financial Analyst, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

* * *

WHAT THE FUCK? WHY IS SHE HELPING RANDOM MEN? I bristle at the thought and call HR.

"Catherine. Grey. Who the fuck is Bradley Ducos?"

"Mr. Grey. One moment... let's see. Yes, he's in finance. UPenn grad. He's been here for about 2 years. Stellar job performance."

"I see. Thank you."

Ros turns to me. "Why are you after Bradley now?"

"You know him?"

"Yeah, he's lead analyst on the Azure Chemicals project. I'm meeting him this afternoon."

"What do you know about him?"

"What do you mean? He's a solid employee."

"I mean personally." I'm irritated as fuck now.

"UPenn grad. Top of his class. He's getting married next month. Destination wedding, Tulum or some shit I think. Why the sudden interest?"

"Nothing. Just something came to my attention." I check my calendar, I have a call with Marketing at 4pm. Fuck that. "I'll join you in that meeting."

Ros rolls her eyes and continues to scroll through her phone.

We'll see what sound advice Miss Steele has to offer.

...

It's just turned 4pm. I log in the CCTV feed on my laptop and check out the feed for conference room A on 18th. Ana is starting to set up for the meeting. She's looks divine; in a structured cobalt blue top that shows a very slight swell of her breasts with cigarette pants and the sexiest heels. Her hair looks longer. It bounces as she moves and sets up all the meeting materials for all the attendees. Fuck, she looks to die for.

I see Bradley saunter in. She beams up at him and gestures him to sit. He smiles back at her and says something and she laughs genuinely as she does. Fuck this shit. Just as I get up I see Ros walk in and stand around for idle chitchat aswell. They all laugh about something. Fuck this. I'm going downstairs.

I take the elevator and head down. I get to the threshold of the conference room and hang back out of view, checking my phone but listening intently to the wisdom Ana has to share.

"Listen to me, do you want your vows to be forgettable or epic to the point that they will bail you out of whatever future fuck ups you're about to make in this marriage?" Ana asks point blank.

"Shit, you don't hold back." Ros laughs and Bradley joins.

"Definitely the latter Ana." Bradley says still laughing.

"Okay so this is what I'm going to need from you. I want you to answer the following questions; now don't think that the answers have to be perfect. Just free write, whatever comes to mind. I suggest answering these questions 1-2 at a time starting early in the morning when you wake up, the mind is freshest then and actually write them down, like pen to paper. Just trust me on this. And then type it up later."

"Yes ma'am" Bradley seriously answers.

Ana begins in her authoritative 'I know my shit' tone. I've missed that. "First, make a playlist of 10 songs that describe her. Share that with me on spotify or send a list of them – also give me timestamps of any significant musical moments in these songs. Like when the music swells or a certain lyric and the way it's sung etc.

Describe the first time you met, what did you notice about her. Describe the moment you fell in love with her and knew she was the one. What is the kindest thing she's done for you or for someone else that really inspires you? What is your favorite feature of hers? When do you miss her most and what do you miss most about her when you're apart. Describe to me a scene of you both sitting around in your 60's. What do you see for yourselves? Also, keep it PG, I need to read this after all." She giggles.

"Shit Ana, where were you when I got married. I couldn't write my own vows for shit and convinced Gwen to go with traditional ones. It's a miracle I got her to marry me in the first place." Ros laughs

"Ros, she's nuts about you. It's just the pregnancy that's wreaking havoc on her." Ana giggles again.

"Thanks for the homework Ana, I've got my work cutout for me. I'm going to get this to you by Sunday morning." Bradley says.

"Good. No later than Sunday morning 10am. I should have it to you by Monday afternoon at the latest."

"I owe you big time. If I can wow Natalie with this... it'll restore her faith in me. I'm fucking hopeless at this shit. How did you get a knack for this stuff?"

Ana snorts. "Please, I'm was an English lit major, it's kind of my job to be in love with the idea of love and be able to whip up shit like this."

"I worry for the guy who's going to have to meet your expectations." Ros muses.

"I don't have high expectations. Just need a strong, meaningful connection. I only expect loyalty, communication and respect and as of recent I discovered even that sometimes is too much to ask for." She says with sadness.

"Bad breakup?" Ros asks a bit concerned.

"Nothing I can't get over, I've been through harder things in life." It's like a slap in the face.

Fuck this. I walk in. Bradley pales and immediately gets up. Ana's back is to me as she organizes some files.

"Ros, where is everyone? Wasn't this meeting supposed to begin already?" I ask with irritation. I know I'm being a real prick right now.

Ros looks at me annoyed "Yeah it's starts at 4:30. We still have 10 minutes."

"Mr. Grey. Ros, I'll be right back." Bradley nods and quickly walks out.

"Ana, this is Christian Grey, not sure if you both have met before. Christian, this Ana Steele who I was telling you about... she helped out with the Gotha deal and saved us a great deal of money" Ros beams like a proud mother hen; a rare expression for Ros.

Ana turns in our direction, her face completely impassive but her eyes are a deep blue. Like glimmering sapphires in the light. She looks incredible and it takes me moment to recover my thoughts. "Miss Steele, I've heard only good things." I say with a smile, as I'm just about to raise my hand for a handshake she starts to speak.

"Afternoon Mr. Grey and thank you. I really appreciate that. I'm sorry but I'm afraid I need to go check on a few last minute items for this meeting. If you'll excuse me." with the smallest smile she walks out from the conference room door across from where we're standing. Fuck me.

Once Ana is out of the conference room Ros looks at me wide eyed and bursts out laughing. "Well that was refreshing."

"What?"

"She didn't melt at your feet. I'm definitely taking her under my wing. Need someone who can resist your face and your bad attitude." Ros chuckles.

"Fuck off." I snap back annoyed. Fuck, why is Ana making this so hard. A few minutes later another assistant comes in with the remainder of the items for the meeting and she's obviously making eyes at me. Fuck off you typical moron.

I'm already bored. "Ros, I'm out."

"What, the meeting is about to start?" Ros looks at me confused.

"Something came to my attention." I walk out towards Travis's office but Ana is not at her desk. Fuck. I pop my head in to Travis's office and make an excuse to talk to him. We talk about some of the outstanding Gotha issues and I hear Ana's voice buzz on his phone.

"Mr. Travis, Ros is in conference room A, she came by early for the meeting."

"Thanks for letting me know, I'll be right out."

Travis makes to get up and we walk out together. To my surprise, Ana walks right to us and hands Travis another copy of the report.

"Mr. Travis, this copy is for you, I know you forgot your glasses today so it's in a slightly bigger font." She smiles at him and doesn't acknowledge me at all.

Travis laughs a bit. "Way to rub in the old age Ana." She giggles "Just following Sandra's orders, sir!" and walks away. Fuck, I really am chopped liver.

"Guess you're still in the doghouse?" He chuckles. "You know, she's the best assistant I've ever had. Takes care of me like a daughter." Travis muses. I give him a slight nod and walk towards the elevators. _Fuck. I have zero effect on her._

* * *

_Monday, January 20__th__, 2020._

Catherine, Ros and I have out monthly HR meeting scheduled for 10am. I wait for them to show up while I watch Ana at her desk through the CCTV footage at my desk. I know, still a stalker, no change there. It's a joy to see her work. She really is all over the place but she gets shit done. I can see Travis relies on her a lot and she's up to the task no matter what.

Catherine and Ros walk in, I close the CCTV window just in time and they take their seats in front of my desk and we begin to talk about new hires, employee performances and other HR related issues.

"Mr. Grey, something came to my attention this morning and I wanted to run it by you and get your take on it." She hands me the iPad and it's a video. I click play and it's a video of Ana from the event she hosted on Friday night. I had Prescott give me a full debrief that night and she told me that the event went smoothly and that Ana got back home right before midnight. Ros immediately gets up walks over to watch over my shoulder with me. Thank god I logged out of the CCTV portal.

"Hi guys, thank you SO much for making it. I honestly thought maybe 10-15 people would show but seeing this room packed makes me so happy. I'm really glad you all came. There are a lot of you here that I don't know personally yet but I've seen you around so I look forward to getting to know you all." She says with a genuine smile.

"I've been wanting to do something like this for a while now, I noticed early on that it's virtually impossible for us to get to know people from other departments and also to be real, some of you guys have a stick up your ass so we're gonna change that." Everyone laughs and claps.

"I did this because I saw a lack of community amongst us so I figured, why don't we all get together and know each other a little better so we can work better together and actually be a team no matter what department we work in..."

"Yeah, all so we can make more money for someone who doesn't give a shit about us..." A male voice makes a sarcastic remark for the crowd and some people laugh and cheer. Who is this fucker?

"Then quit. If you're not happy then quit." Ana's voice goes from fun to authoritative within a second.

"Let me be clear about this event tonight, I am not going to entertain ANY shit talking about upper management. That is not the goal of this hangout. I will shut it down and ban you from future ones and take you off of the cookie email list. We are employed at GEH to do a job. It is up to us to prove our worth. If you wanted to be valued then show your worth and if you don't see something you want then make it happen. I'm sure many of you have grievances and no one will ever question their validity but you need to air them in a professional capacity with HR and not gossip about it...

I didn't see the kind of community I was looking for so I did what made sense to me... I'm going to be vulnerable for a second here. I started at GEH in July last year after graduation. I'm a small town girl who graduated with a degree in English literature and a month into getting her dream job at a small publishing company got laid off because they went bankrupt. Thankfully I got the job at GEH shortly after but I almost quit 2 weeks into the job because it was so intimidating and I was struggling. All of you looked like walking club Monaco and J. crew adverts and here I was just a scrubby college grad. I wanted to see community so I did what I knew best, I baked cookies to brainwash you all like the witch from Hansel & Gretel." She giggles and everyone claps.

"All jokes aside. If we all just get to know each other, what we do will be more meaningful because we'll be a team, friends helping each other out and we all win in the end... and yes, the owner will make a whole lot more money because of what we do but we are appropriately compensated and at the end of the day this experience is what we make of it. We spend a minimum of 9 hours at this job and some of us even more than that, and that's not factoring in the time to get ready, commute, unwind from the day and the constant answering of emails... so why not make our working environment a place we look forward to being in. Also, I'm in legal and I need you guys to get your shit together cause it makes my life so much easier and I'm also eyeing that end of the year bonus so do your girl a solid and become friends. Please?" She laughs out loud and everyone cheers again. "God, I just made this sound like a motivational speech didn't I? Think I could get GEH to pay me a fee for this pep talk? It's only fair." She laughs and everyone claps.

"Okay guys, one more thing. A few ground rules for tonight! Drink responsibly please, I don't want to deal with fighting, vomit or people blacking out. No gossiping about management or anything work related. Just get to know each other and have fun. Play some fantasy football or some shit. We also have some fancy wigs so dress up if anything for our Karaoke battle. The food here is great so definitely order some. We're all grown ups and I am not in the mood to play mom tonight so take care of yourselves and each other." The crowd laughs and some people say "YES MOM" in unison

I want to go downstairs and worship her with all the love I have for her.

I hand the iPad back to Catherine. "Well, that's interesting. I've never had my honor defended that way after essentially being called an asshole, especially when I'm clearly known to be one." I chuckle. Ros and Catherine laugh.

"Mr. Grey, I know you have a certain management style but I spoke to a few people and they did express how they really appreciated that event. Would it be okay if I spoke to Ms. Steele further on this subject to get a few thoughts on some initiatives to improve employee satisfaction?"

"I second that, I caught the end of the event and it was fun and a great way to unwind and get to know some of the employees from other departments who I otherwise wouldn't have gotten a chance to speak to. Ana did a great job of making introductions." Ros throws in.

"Call her up. Let's talk to her right now. I'm intrigued and would like to hear what Ms. Steele has to say." I want to go in for the kill. I desperately want her and will take her anyway I can get her. When it comes to her, I'm a glutton for punishment, even in my professional life she's topping from the bottom. As much as I pride myself in being a Dominant, Ana shatters that in me with a single look.

Catherine calls Ana's extension from my office phone and I check her reaction on the CCTV, her face immediately falls at Catherine 's directive to come up to my office. She hangs up and cradles her face in her hands and quickly stands up and takes a deep breath. I know, I'm a sick fuck but I need her. I need to see her in front of me. This is the first time she's officially being summoned to my office. I pull up another chair to the front of my desk and we wait.

After a few minutes Andrea buzzes to let me know Ana will be walking through.

Once the doors open, Ana walks in and I can sense her hesitation when she sees us all staring at her as she slowly walks to us. She's in a cream white slightly oversized knit top and wearing a dark green pencil skirt with the nude heels she loves so much. Her hair is blow dried to perfection and swept to the side like she usually does. My dick immediately stiffens at the sight of her. Just having her in the same space again drives me insane. Her porcelain skin glows and her eyes shine.

"Good morning." She says in a slightly small voice as she walks towards my desk where we're all sitting.

"Good morning, Ana. As you know this is Mr. Grey and Ros, you know already..." Catherine starts.

I stand up and put my hand out. "Ms. Steele, thank you for joining us." She takes it with a small nod, gives me a strong unaffected handshake and quickly pulls away and takes a seat.

"Is everything okay?" She asks a bit nervously.

"We wanted to talk to you about a few things." Ros smiles at her.

Ana gives another small smile and nods and I can see her concern.

Catherine hands her the iPad and she plays the video. She instantly becomes uncomfortable and her eyes dart to me and quickly falls back down to the video. She nervously chews her lip throughout and it takes everything in me to drag her out of the office in the conference room next door and fuck into next year.

She hands the iPad back to Catherine after the video ends. "I wasn't aware I was being recorded." Her voice is a barely a whisper as she swallows. "Am I being fired?"

"No Miss Steele, we're not that heartless. In fact, we're rather impressed." I say and I can sense Catherine's and most of all Ros's surprise. She's never seen me compliment a young female employee like this. She knows how I barely acknowledge them. _How could I not acknowledge my beautiful girl?_

"Ana, we appreciate what you're trying to do here at GEH in terms of trying to create a better working environment for your fellow employees all while respecting upper management. I can understand how quickly that could have turned into a gossip fest about grievances but you handled it with masterfully."

She relaxes a bit and gives a shy smile, "Thank you, I meant every word of it. I really just wanted everyone to have some fun and for once not being consumed by the intensity of this place, no offense..." she giggles.

I smirk while Ros and Catherine chuckle. Let's see how Ana does under pressure.

"Tell me Miss Steele, is that really what your fellow employees think of me?" I ask, almost challenging.

She looks at me and then looks to Catherine and Ros. She takes a deep breath and looks at me again.

"Mr. Grey, it would be hypocritical of me to air any grievances, confirmed or assumed that my fellow employees have when in that video I strictly forbid them to do the same about upper management."

"Fair enough, in that case, do you have any grievances or anything you would like to see changed around GEH?"

"I took care of the things that I personally felt were lacking but thank you for asking." _Oh baby. The things I'm dying to do to you right now._

"Do you agree with the assessment of what that employee said about my not caring about my employees and only being concerned with money?"

"Do you agree with that assessment?" She fires back with an impassive look.

"No I don't, but I'm eager to hear what you have to say." Ball is in your court, Miss Steele. Let's see how you play.

She remains quiet.

"Please Miss Steele, speak freely." I urge her with a slightly softer tone. She looks to Caroline whose eyes have grown a little wide and then to Ros who gives her wink as a way to give her the green light.

"Mr. Grey, I'm just a legal assistant. I'm sure HR can provide you with a comprehensive study on what you're looking for via an online and anonymous survey."

"You've been here for how many months now?"

"I've been here since July 2019."

"Surely, it would be safe to say you've made a lot of strides, I've heard about your cookie initiative and the positive effect it's had. I want your honest assessment of my company and in turn my management style. "

She looks at me almost pleadingly. I'm not giving up. She looks to Ros again who winks and gives her a small nod.

"I never allow anyone this kind of liberty nor am I in the habit of waiting." I raise my voice and say a little more forcefully. She whips her head to me and I can see the annoyance in her eyes. There's the fire in my girls' eyes. I've missed it. She turns her body to face me and straightens her shoulders and raises an eyebrow. She means business now.

"Well Mr. Grey, since you're so _graciously _awarding me such liberty, there are a few things I have noticed... now let me preface this by saying that I appreciate what you have achieved for yourself in such a short span of time and how you've of retained jobs throughout the GEH portfolio in conjunction with the philanthropic ventures you've spearheaded both publicly and privately. It's no easy feat. So whatever I'm about to say is only in reference to the office culture here and what I have noticed.

You gave an interview to my school newspaper early last year. You mentioned that you knew what makes people tick and what incentivizes them. I found the idea of that intriguing but when I came to work here, I didn't see anything but money. The only incentive was a paycheck and nothing more.

I understand the need to keep everyone on their toes but after a while your employees are going to want more. After a while the money doesn't matter anymore. Now that maybe my thinking only because I was raised in a different set of circumstances but in the end, money is just paper and it can burn into nothing. It's an illusionary medium. It may make the world go round but what I've seen in my short time on earth, the real stock is in the relationships you nurture and cultivate around you on a personal scale. Money may buy you things that can make you seemingly happy but where's the solace in that when you're truly unhappy and unseen. Money comes and goes but time and trust... that is the real currency in life. "

She's hitting me where it hurts with those beautiful blue eyes.

"I'll only speak for myself when I say that I was desperate for a job when I applied here and only wanted it so I could pay my bills but two to three weeks in, even when I had the steady income I was still unhappy because I had no community, I just felt like a cog in the machine. Maybe it's a personality thing but I needed connection so I did what I had to do and it helped me find my footing and look forward to coming to work here. I could very easily have chosen to fly out to San Francisco every other weekend to spend time with my niece and Grandmother but instead I spend my entire Sunday baking cookies from my co-workers to show them that I value them and that I enjoy working with them. I use my time, time that I'll never get back by I am investing it into my work relationships because I spend anywhere from 50-60 a week here and I don't want to dread it. I want it to be worth my while.

Now I know everyone is different, this is your business you have every right to run it the way you want but there's a saying my grandmother has in Urdu..."

She starts to speak in Urdu and the fire in her eyes grows exponentially as her eyes pierce through me. I almost lose my breath at the intensity of what she says.

"That roughly translates to; 'what's the point of ruling the world and being the master of the universe when the people meant to worship you only do so out of fear and not wholeheartedly. In the end you are just surrounded by lies. Because the real question is, who will really stand behind you once all of this disappears and you want to rebuild? Do you want people who just care about the paycheck or who believe in what you stand for, your vision and your destiny? What you create should be a reflection of your soul and not just your mind."

Whatever she just said... I've heard it before. I just can't place it. Fuck, where have I heard this?

"I see the way people freeze up when you walk into an elevator and how the conversation instantly dies. They are afraid of you. I have never seen an employee at my level say good morning to you because they know you will not acknowledge them and that they are just a means to an end. You're unapproachable and I understand the need for that and I'd never say that you should walk around the aisles of offices giving people high fives or adopt an open door policy or anything of the sort but it's in the little things that you can show your employees you value them should you choose to. Again, my observations are just that... observations. I just see the world differently and maybe that's my naiveté talking. GEH has been around and functioning perfectly fine before me and will definitely do so after I'm gone..."

_Fuck she's leaving... NO! Don't leave GEH Ana. This place desperately needs you_.

"The majority of the workforce in the building falls into two age brackets. Under 30... actually maybe push that to 33 and above 45. I'm sure Catheine can get you the actual statistics on that. Now from the outside it may look like you have a low turnover but that's also because people employed at GEH start off young and when they eventually decide to get married and start a family, they leave. So yes, they'll give you a solid 6-7 years but choose to leave. And then the above 45 bracket are all established for the most part so they're staying for the long haul. Majority of your holdings are international in places where the quality of life is lower is dependent on a paycheck to pay for groceries and to in general just survive. Here, the quality of life is higher and your employees' needs are slightly different. They want to be seen, Mr. Grey.

Did you know we have an employee whose wife just gave birth to pre-mature twins and they're in the NICU at Seattle-Mason? It was touch and go for them for a little while. We have an employee who's wife of 30 years passed away last week and he can't take off from work because he already used up his vacation to take care of her 2 months ago and he can't to take off anymore because he has a daughter who is a single mother that has a child with special needs. I would never have found out if I hadn't walked into his office to deliver him cookies for his family. He was wiping his eyes and I made him tell me. He's afraid to ask his superior for a few days off to mourn and take care of some outstanding affairs because he can't afford to lose this job. We have another employee whose father just got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer... I mean I could sit here till next week with stories like this."

FUCK. Is that why she went to Seattle-Mason over the weekend? Prescott lost visual on her in the hospital but Ana came out about 2 hours later.

"I'm not telling you these things to make you feel bad. I'm telling you this because people who work in this building have real, complicated and difficult lives. You're known out in the world for being incredibly generous with your money. But the real charity begins at home and it has nothing to do with money. It can honestly just be smile and acknowledging someone's existence. I speak from experience when I say how much being seen can change someone's life. You once said that business is about people. Well, Mr. Grey, maybe you should really get to know the people that work for you and not just think of how to incentivize them because it's not just about mortgage payments. They're not robots who just need a software upgrade in the form of a raise at the end of the year to continue performing better." Her voice wavers a bit but she controls herself.

"I don't think I have much to offer beyond this because the way I think and operate is very different form you. You're in a position where you have to protect yourself from the fascination and maintain a certain level of respect at all times. You can't really be seen having a beer with the guys or even engaging in innocent conversation with female employees. I understand all of that and the limitations it comes with. So I guess what I'm saying is that, it doesn't matter what assessments I agree with or not. There's not much you can change, this is the position you've put yourself in and I don't see it changing any time soon." She finishes and her eyes linger on me for a moment and she quickly turns away and looks at Catherine. She essentially summed up our entire relationship. She doesn't see anything changing any time soon. We're just too different in her mind.

I can see Ros's face is in complete awe and I'm completely speechless. She just handed my ass to me. There's an awkward pause before Catherine quickly interjects.

"Ana, I can see how much you care about your fellow co-workers. I wanted to see if you'd be interested in maybe becoming part of the HR department and helping us with this aspect of employee satisfaction. Everyone seems to find it easy to talk to you and I really think you'd be a great addition to our department." Catherine smiles at her with maternal affection.

"I really appreciate that and thank you for thinking of me but I really do like the work I'm doing at legal. I've only been there a little while but I love it, I like that it's dynamic and I get to interact with the different departments and put together all the pieces of the puzzle. It's grueling sometimes but I really do like it and I'm learning a lot. Instead, I wouldn't mind stopping by your office every now and then to help out with any ideas you may have but as a full-time position, I'm not sure I could offer much. The cookie list and now this karaoke night came about in a very organic way... " she gives a small smile.

"I understand perfectly. In that case, could schedule a meeting once or twice a month to discuss fresh ideas."

"Oh I'd love that." Ana beams at her. "Is there anything else I can help with?" Ana asks looking in Ros's direction; avoiding me completely.

"Ana, this was great." Ros says as they all get up and. They turn to walk towards the door and I follow them. "By the way, I know you called it a tie but we all know who won that battle." Ros sneers at Ana.

Ana giggles and then laughs, the sound echoing throughout the office. I wish it could last. It feels like forever since I've gotten to see her beautiful face full of joy this up close. It takes everything in me to stop myself from pulling her close to me and kissing her with abandon in front of Ros and Catherine.

Ana rolls her eyes "Sure, Ros... whatever helps you sleep at night."

"At this point it's honestly nothing, Gwen snores like a god damn truck." Ros snorts.

"Ooooh, I'm telling her that." Ana laughs and winks.

"Miss Steele, thank you for your time. It was... englitening." _As always baby, you never cease to amaze me._ I extend my hand and she reluctantly takes it giving me another strong unaffected handshake with her impassive expression.

I see them to the door. Ros and I walk back to my desk to join another conference call.

"See, I told you she had spunk. Wish I could have recorded how she ripped you a new one though because I've never seen you speechless. She's going places and we have to do whatever we can to keep her. " Ros muses.

_I'm trying Ros. I'm trying._

"It almost felt like my mom was giving me a lecture." I tell her as I try to keep myself from grinning like a fool and Ros cackles.

"Ros, find who those employees are. I want to meet them and see how we can help them."

Ros, smiles and nods. "I'll get you the information before the end of the day, boss."

...

**APOV**

Jose, Val and I return with lunch from the nearby health bar and find ourselves a nice spot on one of the couches on the 5th floor atrium.

"Okay bish, tell me... EVERYTHING. If you leave anything out, I will go ape shit on you." Jose begs

"First of all, how did you even find out I was called up to his office?"

"My hags are everywhere. I run this ship tighter than the motherfucking CIA. NOW SPILL...before my hair falls out.

"Well to start, some motherfucker recorded my little speech and sent it to HR. So yeah, have your hags find out who the fuck did that." I bite back annoyed.

"They did what?" Val gasps.

"Yeah. Exactly, I fucking thought I was going to get fired. It was Grey, Ros and Caroline, just staring at me as a I walked in. I felt like I was walking to my own execution."

"At least you looked good." Jose compliments me as he takes a bite of his grilled chicken wrap.

"Wait! Do you really mean that?" I ask almost emotional. Jose rarely ever compliments me.

"Dios mio, tell us the story already."

I tell them what Christian asked me and I how I just laid it all out there. Jose and Val look at me wide-eyed. They've stopped eating and their jaws are open.

"What?" I ask.

"How are you not fired?" Val recovers.

_I know the answer to this but I can't think like that right now._

"I don't know... " I trail off and take sip of my drink.

"He likes you. Only plausible explanation." Jose declares. "Think about it. First the ass check and then you get summoned to the office... next up... ACTIVATION."

"Fuck you, Rodriguez." Fuck, how does he figure this shit out. "You're reading too much into this."

"So wait, you wouldn't tap that?" Val asks raising an eyebrow. _Oh Val dearest, it's already been tapped._

"No. I want to keep my job." I'm lying through my teeth and I hate it. I want to tell them so bad.

"Jose, call your Aunty Maria. We have a code red on our hands." Val sneers.

"No need, I got a crash course from her this Christmas. I can handle this hag all on my own." Jose laughs and I can't help but roll my eyes at him. If only you knew, Jose. I'm pretty sure he'd faint, clutching his pearls.

**CPOV**

"She handed my ass to me, John."

"What else did you expect from her?" John laughs and I can't help but smirk. True. What else could I have expected. "You goaded her didn't you?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"Well, I know how impatient you are."

I take a deep breath. "I know but John... fuck. My problem has always been to throw money at the problem and she just... fuck... she operates so well without it. People are telling her deeply personal things about themselves and at this rate she could take GEH from under me. EVEN ROS... fucking Ros is obsessed with her. She threatened to walk if I fired Ana. 9 years I've worked with Ros and she's never stuck up for any employee like that."

John looks at me and smiles.

"What John, why are you looking at me that? Are you enjoying my agony?"

"A little bit." He laughs. "It's nice to see you've met your match that's all." I chuckle.

"Even though, she ripped me a new one, it's the calmest I've felt since New Years. I just... miss her."

"Christian, she took this time away to try and better herself not to punish you. Don't you want her to come back to you when she's feeling better?"

"I'll take her anyway I can get her."

"I'm going to talk to you as a friend right now, let her be. Stop summoning her to your office for these sick games. Is she playing any games with you?"

"No."

"Then stop."

"If you're talking to me as a friend does this mean this session is free?"

"No. I'm still taking your money. Lord knows you have enough of it and I've been thinking of a vacation home in France."

**APOV**

"Can I just say how fucking happy I am that we're having girls night?" I look to Kate as we inhale our pizza and she drinks her wine.

"I know, it's been forever. I'm sorry for being attached to the hip with Elliot."

"No girl, please. I'm so happy for you guys, don't ever apologize... it's just that I need my best friend every now and then."

"You always got me. You know that, Steele." She smiles and gives me a wink. "So, what's on your mind?"

"He is on my mind. It's all consuming, Kate. Is this what being in love is like but I kind of don't like it right now. Like I really want sex. Can you imagine? Me, the virginal loser... well almost... now can't stop thinking about sex?"

Kate laughs out loud almost falling off the couch. "FINALLY, THE PUSSY IS ALIVE" she tries to calm her herself. "Listen, I'm so happy that you're getting some but you guys are just in a rough patch... "

I try to come down from our laughing high. "When did our roles reverse?" She snorts "When you went ahead and fell in love with a literal, tantrum throwing man-child with more money than god." We both fall into a fit of laughter again.

"You love your man-child?" I ask.

"Yeah, I do. I've never felt this way about anyone Ana. Underneath that entire fun, goofy exterior he's just a simple loving guy who wants a family. I mean I can't call him out for his man-whoring given how I used to be... but some of the conversations we've had, and it's been heavy shit... he's blown me away with his maturity and insight. It's inspiring." She gets a bit teary-eyed which is contagious. "You know, you were right, even though I thought you were fucking crazy to suggest it in the first place but Elliot and I not exchanging information and then meeting again at the wedding was a real blessing. Otherwise, I would've fucked it up and then the wedding would've been awkward AF... and then when we met... it was like we were meant to be..."

I nod and go in to hug her. "I'm so fucking happy for you both." I whisper. "I'm happy for you too, I know you both love each other and I know you guys will overcome this." She whispers back.

I pull back and take a deep breath. "Kate, I appreciate you saying but I've been dying to talk to you about this. I don't think I'm cut out for this. You grew up in this lifestyle, I don't know if I can take it being the spotlight again... I mean at the new year's party alone everyone was literally like, how'd you bag him etc... and Elena calling me a gold digger... it fucking hurt Kate. I'm not strong to take that scrutiny."

"Okay, listen to me. I'm not going to sugarcoat this. It's going to be fucking brutal whenever the media finds out. That's just how it is. Given how he looks and they will dig into you extensively... the initial fascination will seem like the end of the world but it will die down and listen to me Steele, you have us. I mean it. You have your support system in place. We will protect you."

I break out into a sob and she pulls me into a hug "I know you'll be here, I'm just scared."

"It's okay, you can be scared, anything worth having is scary. You taught me that. And listen, it's like you told Christian the other day... you came back from tougher conditions, you can do this. I have all the faith in the world in you Ana..." She kisses my forehead. "Listen, they all came at me too with the whole Elliot thing, they still are but you're right, I grew up with this so I can handle it but trust me when I say both Christian and I will hold your hand through this whenever you decide to take your relationship public... is this your only hesitation that's keeping you from going back to him?"

"Yeah, this and... the BDSM thing. I actually... I mean I've been doing some research and I need more time to look into it."

"What have you understood so far?'

"Well, I read some articles and talked to Dr. Flynn and they both say it's all about consent but I can't really wrap my head about the extreme punishment aspect of it."

"Would you want to talk to a female Domme who's in the lifestyle? One of the magazines at work did a whole piece on the BDSM lifestyle and she was interviewed on the condition of anonymity since all this shit has started to become mainstream. I can reach out to her and you can meet her in one of the conference rooms or in my office. Only thing is she'd make you sign an NDA since she has high profile clients. I think it might help hearing it from a females perspective."

"Can I meet her? And yeah, I'll sign her NDA, in fact, I'll have her sign one for me to protect myself too."

"Perfect. Let me email her."

After a few minutes Kate emails her contact and tells me she'll let me know as she hears back from her.

"I kind of became friends with her, she gave me some bedroom tips and let me tell you... shit got steamy when I tried them with Elliot." Kate laughs.

"Oh god... PLEASE KEEP THOSE DETAILS TO YOURSELF." I cover my face in embarrassment.

I cherish these kinds of nights with Kate. We can talk about anything and she'll give it to me straight. She's right, there's no denying what the media will do to me once this come out. There's no doubt that I love Christian but I still need time.

* * *

Thursday, January 23rd, 2020

KK: Hey babe, good luck with the meeting this evening. I've already asked my assistant Lara to take care of everything. You'll have your meeting in the conference room on my floor. It's soundproof and the glass is frosted so you guys will have privacy. There will be refreshments so don't worry. Your meeting is set for 6:30pm.

AS: Thanks babies. You're the best. I really appreciate you doing this.

KK: Anything for you. Now go learn some new tricks and share them with me too. Haha

AS: Oh god. You have a one track mind.

KK: As of recent, so do you ;)

AS: Shut up!

To say that I'm nervous about my meeting with a Domme this evening would be an understatement. I have a copy of the NDA that the family gave me. Not that I plan to mention Christian's name in this discussion but still, whenever we go public, the last thing I need is a Domme giving the Seattle rags an exclusive on how she met with his girlfriend to get more information on the lifestyle.

At 5:45pm I start to head out the Kavanagh Media headquarters. They're a 5 minute drive away but I wanted to walk which will take me about 10-15 minutes. I need to calm my nerves and get in to the right headspace. I play my 'girlpower' playlist and head out. It's freezing but after a while I no longer feel it.

_Diving in ferociously, dancing intimately_  
_I'm so connected to me_  
_In the dark I'm letting go, so anonymously_  
_I guess this is what it feels like to be free_

_I need to let my mind rest (my, my mind)_  
_While my body reflects_

_Don't get me down, I won't let me get me (down)_  
_Don't get me down, I won't let me get me (down)_  
_I'm good right now, I won't let me get me_  
_Take that tired heart and go and turn it inside out_

I get to the lobby of Kavanagh Media and give in my name. A couple of minutes later Kate's assistant Lara greets me and escorts me to the top floor where Kate's office is where she tells me my 6:30pm is already waiting and that she came in early.

I walk in into the conference room and am met with a beautiful tall brunette. She looks almost like Rose McGowan when she was on Charmed except she has blue eyes like me. Her skin is flawless and she has a warm smile.

"Hi, I'm Ana, Kate's friend. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me."

"Hi Ana, I'm Cynthia. It's a pleasure to meet you." We shake and sit at the table. We both make some small talk and then get to the signing of the NDA's.

"Thank you for agreeing to sign this, in my line of work you can't be too careful."

"I completely understand. My family is also well known in the business circle so I had to cover my ass too." I laugh and she gives me a wink.

"So tell me, how can I help? Are you interested in getting into the BDSM scene?"

"Oh no, not formally. I just want to get an understanding of it. My boyfriend recently revealed to me that he's a dominant and well... as someone who has been a survivor of sexual assault it kind of sent me into a downward spiral and I'm just really confused. I've been doing some research on my own but when Kate told me that she had a female contact of someone in the lifestyle, well, I just wanted to meet you and get you take on everything as a woman."

"Hmm, I understand that. It can be very a lot to take in when coming from a background like that. Does your boyfriend want you to act as his submissive?"

"No he does not. He told me that he was no longer interested in the lifestyle but he's been doing it for about 10 years now. He was first a submissive and then became a dominant and has been one for the past few years except now he says he no longer needs it... I'm a little weary."

"Understandable. Listen, I will be the first to tell you that there are varying degrees to the lifestyle. Some people love the extreme shit, some just like a little play here and there. As a woman who was a submissive and then became a Domme and now gives instruction in the lifestyle, it is _ALWAYS_ and _unequivocally _about_ consent_. A Dominant has to earn his/her Submissive's trust only then can they have complete control over them. The submissive always has the control. I won't lie and say every Dominant is the same, some people are assholes and don't deserve to be in the lifestyle but a good Dom's takes care of his Sub's needs and makes sure they are met."

I stare at her and I am sure my face is white as a sheet. She reaches out and offers her hand for me to hold. I place it in hers and she squeezes it.

"I know it sounds scary but I'm here to answer any questions you have. I will walk you through it all." I nod.

"So how does it work? Can you give me an example of how you are with your Subs?"

"Sure. When I used to have subs, we had scenes...basically where I explain to my Sub beforehand what I'm going to do to them. It's a general idea. Like, I'm going to tie them up, or cuff them or suspend them from the ceiling. Whatever it is, they know what to expect. In the event that the activity gets too much they can safe word and I will immediately stop doing what I'm doing and let them leave or take a break. Outside of the actual scene, I provide them with aftercare, what that entails is decided beforehand in the contract but for me, I would give my subs a massage, apply amica cream to prevent bruising... sometimes even give them a bath or watch a movie with them. It all varies, it can be whatever you want it to be."

"Safe word?"

"Yes, safe word. It can be a color, the name of an object anything. For example, the most commonly used at Yellow to signify that the sub is reaching their limit and Red to signify that they want to stop and have passed their limit and green that they are ready to continue. Just like a traffic light."

I quietly nod. "As mentioned before, these are all negotiated in the contract beforehand and all limits, the soft and hard limits are discussed. Soft limits are again activities you'd be willing to try and hard limits are activities that are absolutely forbidden. For example when I was a submissive, vaginal fisting was a serious no go for me."

I shudder and close my legs. She gives me a smile. "I know it's not the greatest but some people love that shit... are you okay though? You want me to continue or do you want to take a break?

I tell her I'm doing fine and proceed to ask her a few more questions about the different types of arrangement people can have in the lifestyle. I find that all submissives have the power to negotiate terms in the contract and that some require cuddling even after a session or just materialistic items in exchange for their submission. The only thing that matters is that both parties agree to each other's terms and respect them. Interestingly, none of these contracts are valid in the US court of law. That does not sit well with me.

"What's TPE?"

"Ah, now we're getting to the good part." She wiggles her eyebrows a bit in jest. "TPE is Total Power Exchange, meaning your Dominant has complete over you. He/she decides when you can eat, sleep or wear or... basically anything they say goes. I had one sub who craved that shit and I will not lie, that level of power can feel amazing but it got old for me really quickly." She laughs. "Again, a submissive can easily safe word and get out of the TPE arrangement. It's all about consent Ana. No one can make you do anything you don't want to."

"Thank you for giving me some perspective on this. I really appreciate it."

"Any time girl, listen, just take it slow. If your boyfriend says he no longer needs it, trust him but if you want to explore some of the lifestyle with him, know that he will take care of you. You can always tell him to stop and he will, it's all about communication. You have to clearly communicate what you want. If he doesn't then kick him in the balls and send him to the ER." I giggle and the thought of kicking Christian in the ER clutching his balls is hilarious.

"He did playfully spank me and I didn't hate it." I shyly tell her.

She claps "Then start with that, listen a little pain in sex can really enhance the experience. For example, to start with being tied up for me helped me focus and made my orgasm even more intense, then I moved up the ladder with toys and some slightly more painful elements, like the cane and paddle. I tried everything and then realized what I liked and not. There is so much you can explore with the BDSM lifestyle. Again, start slow. I know you said you the idea of whips and canes scared you and I'll be the first to tell you you're right that shit isn't all that pleasant but hey, some people love that kinda shit but a sub can never be forced into something and a good Dom will always respect their subs limits." She smiles.

"What I'm trying to say is... don't knock it till you try it. Just give it a chance. It's all role play. Using the scale 1 to 10 for example, I have some celebrity clients who only are at a level 2 or 3 are and engage in the lifestyle for the role playing only and some low key toys, just for a little excitement... some are at a level 10 and well... I won't go into the details of that but again, it's all about what you like and are willing to do. I will say though, that BDSM is a whole lot of fun and satisfying when you do it with someone you love." She gives me a smile and I nod, trying to make sense of everything.

I understand role playing and trying different things at a slower and gentle pace. I wouldn't mind that at all. It reminds me of the time he asked me to hold the headboard when I had my period and before he went to Tokyo. It was such an intense experience both those times.

"Have you been based in Seattle long?"

"I'm actually based in LA and San Francisco but had a session to teach up at a club here this week. I started out on the East Coast as a submissive. I've been doing it for about 12 years now, I was a sub for 5 years then took me a year to train as a Domme to start out at least and since then I've never looked back. I spent so much money going to Harvard business school and I don't use it at all." She laughs and I can't help but smile back.

"My boyfriend in college came across a BDSM club that his friend had talked about and asked if me if I wanted to try it out and we fell in love with it. My boyfriend and I eventually broke up but we remained friends and he introduced me to a few people who needed instruction a few years later and then my business really grew from that circle of his friends. Now I work all over the West Coast and sometimes internationally for the past 6 years giving instruction. I actually have a steady boyfriend now and he's not into the scene at all but every now and then he'll indulge me. He's actually at a level 4 at best but it's still a rewarding experience because we love each other so much." She gives me a smile.

"Thanks so much Cynthia, this makes me feel so much better. I feel like I have a solid understanding of things, it also helps hearing from women. Sick of hearing men's point of view."

We both hug and gives me her number and lets me know that she'd happily give me any pointers should I need any in the future. I tell her to leave before me since I have security following me and I don't want word to get back to my boyfriend that I met with her. She laughs it off and makes a joke about him being a control freak.

_Girl, you have no idea._

* * *

**Authors Note:** So... how we feeling? We have some uninvited guests showing up in the next chapter. Let me know what you thought of this one. As always I appreciate everything you guys say. I'm so honored you're sticking by this story and are invested in it. *grabs tissues and ugly cries*

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out the chapter 22-23 board :)

**Music: **

_**Ana's Girl Power Playlist**_

Let Me Get Me - Selena Gomez

Dangerous Woman - Ariana Grande

Don't Start Now - Dua Lipa

GiRL - Maren Morris

Sorry Not Sorry - Demi Lovato

OctaHate - Ryn Weaver

God Is Woman - Ariana Grande

Naughty GIrl - Holly Valance

Stronger - Kelly Clarkson

Work - Rihanna

Bodak Yellow - Cardi B

Bitch Better Have My Money - Rihanna

Diva - Beyonce

Rumour Has It - Adele


	24. Chapter 24

I'm glad you all liked Chapter 23. See, I promised Ana would find her way back eventually. We still have 3-4 more chapters till they're back together. A lot will happen in these chapters but I promise there will be really sweet moments between them. Tis a slow burn y'all. This chapter is gonna be a long one too. In fact the next few chapter will be long. so buckle kids.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed and shared their locations. I wish you all safety and health. Crazy times we're in.

Here's a bonus chapter for the weekend. It's long and I hope you like it. Have a safe, sane and healthy weekend fanfic familia.

P.S. Shout out to Shan36 for being my 500th review. oh em gee.

* * *

Chapter 24 – Hanging by a moment with you.

_Friday, January 24th, 2020._

EG: Bro, you coming to the dinner Mia and I are cooking tonight, right?

CG: If Ana is going to be there then I don't think it's a good idea.

EG: I asked her and she said was fine with it. Plus Kiran and Scooter are flying in for the weekend so your balls will be safe from harm, Dorothy.

CG: Fuck off Lelliot.

EG: See you at 6:30pm. Bring over some good booze and try not to murder us if she goes in for hugs.

CG: Asshole.

Since our exchange on Monday, I have barely seen Ana. She has been eating lunch at her desk and security alerted me that she's been working late till about 9pm every night. I suppose it's to avoid running into me on the elevators and it bothers me because I want her to eat well and rest. She went to Kavanagh Media the other day and spent way too much time there. Fuck, I hope she's not leaving GEH. I feel like an ass, so much for being a Dominant who is always in control. I've lost all control. Taylor told me about their conversation last week and I've been really trying to stay away now after my conversation with Flynn but the CPO remains in place. I don't give a fuck what she says about that.

...

I rarely ever go to Elliot's apartment, everyone just shows up at Mom's or in the rare event, to mine because there's always cooked food in the fridge and the liquor cabinet is always stocked. I get there and see Elliot and Mia cooking up a storm, I was always hopeless on the domestic front and having them both around meant I never went hungry when I still lived at Mom and Dad's. Kate and Ethan, stand around in the kitchen drinking wine. After hugs with my own siblings, the Kavanagh's give me slight nods but don't really try to make conversation with me. I deserve that. I don't know how serious this thing with Ethan and Mia will get but even if he's not into Ana, I still will have another reason to knock him out if he breaks Mia's heart.

Fuck, I really need to get laid and calm the fuck down.

"When is banana getting here?" Mia asks Kate.

"She'll be here soon, she had to go home to pick up some stuff and change." Kate says.

Elliot's phone rings and he answers. "Scooter, bro... what's your ETA?... yeah... uh huh.. okay... I see... yeah sure. We have room. I mean... we'll make it work." Elliot looks at me and I can tell it's not good. He hangs up and looks to Kate.

"What?" Kate asks and I can see she's confused.

"Don't freak out but Vishaal came in last minute and will be joining us."

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Kate yells. "That motherfucker. I am going to murder him. No. He cannot come here."

"They aren't getting here till 8pm, so we have time to tell Ana and she can leave if she wants to. I couldn't exactly say... don't bring that fucker here." Elliot says. I am seething and ready to break the beer bottle in my hand. Elliot looks at me "Bro, don't do or say anything yet."

"I'm going to beat the shit out of him and then throw him in the sound Elliot." I am on the edge and losing control.

"CHRISTIAN!" Mia exclaims. "You already fucked up last week. Just stop digging a deeper grave for yourself. We need to wait for Ana."

We mull around quietly as Mia and Ethan set the table when we hear a knock on the door. Kate goes and opens it and it's Ana. I do my best to stand the farthest from her to make her comfortable.

"Hi guys!" she walks in holding a glass dish. "HEY BIRTHDAY BOY!" she says brightly and goes in to give Elliot a hug. She's like a ball of welcome energy.

"Thanks Steele! So, what did you get me?" he asks laughing.

"Well, you have my best friend, that's your present forever. I don't need to get you anything from here on out." She winks. "Oh and I made this cheesecake pudding for dessert. Didn't know what the vibe was for today."

"God bless you. I've been craving that for forever. You guys are all gonna die and go to heaven that shit is so good. Better than sex" Kate hugs her from behind and we all laugh. "Kate... that means so much coming from sex maniac like you." Ana giggles and I can't help but smile as everyone laughs.

Ana looks to me and says a solemn 'hey' and I nod back. She walks over to hug Mia. Ethan just holds out his hand and they both laugh and give a half hug to each other. Great; another joke at my expense.

She looks like she's lost weight and her face is tired but she's smiling. She's barely wearing any makeup as she stands around, wearing a cream white knit dress that reaches her calves and fuck... her hair reaches her lower back now. She's always so effortless. My mind and body immediately go haywire. Fuck me. Why did I have to fuck this up even further?

Elliot offers her sparking water and she walks around to see the place and slowly makes her way back.

"Elliot, I love your apartment and your library is a dream... so many architecture books. I might borrow some."

"Yeah sure go ahead. I didn't know you were into architecture."

"Oh very much so. In Montesano one of our neighbors, his wife was an architect and she passed away, she had so many architecture books and he knew I loved to read so I sort of took them all and I loved it. There was this one book that really inspired me, "The Architecture of Happiness". At one point I thought I was going to major in architecture but things changed. I still love it though."

"Whaaatttt? That's so cool. We need to talk about this more!" Elliot beams and I'm floored by this new revelation.

Ana's standing with us in the kitchen when Kate looks to me and starts to address the elephant in the room.

She clears her throat. "Steele, there's something we need to tell you." I see Ana's expression change and her eyes grow wide in concern.

"What happened?" she asks in panic.

"Daniel called Elliot and told him that Vishaal just flew in to Seattle this evening and he will be joining us."

Ana is stunned, she looks to me and then Elliot and then to Kate. "When did you find this out?"

"A few minutes before you walked in." Kate says carefully.

Ana looks down at the counter for what seems like forever, she takes deep breaths and I see slight shiver. She closes her eyes and then walks to get her phone from her coat to make a call.

She speaks in hindi and sounds pissed off and then switches to English.

"You told me he was going to be in Sedona, then how the fuck is he in Seattle now?... Kiran doesn't need any fucking help closing any deals, he's doing this on purpose... yeah.. .well no.. it's going to be awkward as fuck... okay I'll let you know. Bye." She's takes a deep breath and turns to us rubs her forehead.

"We're just going to act normal. Even though I want to smash his smug face in, we are going to act normal. He won't do any shit in front of you guys, he'll just say some random shit to me in hindi here and there to get a rise out of me but that's pretty much it. So please everyone just promise me, be normal."

"Steele, if you want to leave, it's okay. I don't want you to be uncomfortable." Elliots walks over and gives her a hug. I wish I could be the one to comfort her.

"Thanks Elliot, but it's fine. It is what it is. I really want to see Kiran, besides it will look really bad that she's in Seattle and I ditched her like this. I can handle it. I just need to figure out how to get out of hanging with them for the entire weekend right now." Ana says in a low voice. "Christian, can I speak with you for a moment in private?" She looks to me.

I follow her into game room where the pool table is or the 'balls room' as Elliot loves to call it.

"Christian, I need you to not make a scene tonight." She looks me dead in the eye. "... because I swear to God it will not be pretty for you."

"I just want to be here for you Ana. Whatever you need. I'm sorry about Tuesday, I overreacted."

"You embarrassed us both by doing that. You really need to grow up. Kiran doesn't know what's happening between us, not that I would ever tell her, so I will try and act as normal as I can for the sake of throwing off Vishaal and keeping up appearances but that only means I'll be in closer proximity to you. There won't be any need to be overtly affectionate."

"I understand. Anything you need." Shit, this is such a fucking shitshow.

She walks past me and I follow her back into the kitchen where everyone eyes us like a bomb is about to go off.

"So, did you guys kiss and make up." Elliot raises his eyebrows teasingly trying to lighten the mood and everyone smiles including myself. I wish we had. I'd makeup to her all night and all weekend.

"No we did not." Ana deadpans.

"Have you ever tried telling anyone in the family banana?" Mia asks cautiously

"I can't Mia. How do I tell the family that paid all my medical bills in full and let me recuperate in their home that their son..." she takes a deep breath and shakes her head trying to control her emotions"...especially when I have no proof. I can't blow up the family like that. I'd lose Nita and Nani then and I..." tears start to fall from her eyes "I don't have anyone after them, I'll be all alone." she shrugs and Kate goes into hug her and it breaks my heart. Mia joins and so does Elliot as he yells "BANANA PIE TIME" they stand for a few seconds in a big group hug.

I hear Ana giggle. Ethan smiles at them while I stand around awkwardly and I feel incredibly left out. She should be in my arms. I should be comforting her. I should be protecting her.

Everyone resumes talking but Ana remains mostly quiet. She walks back to the TV room and looks around. She looks so tiny from a distance as she studies the books and artwork Elliot has around the apartment.

"You listen to Lifehouse, you're such a sap, Elliot!" Ana laughs from across the room commenting on the music playing through the speakers.

"You know them? Aren't they like from before your time?" he smirks.

"Yeah they are you old man but growing up I listened to whatever Kiran was listening to and then when I got my own computer in my early teens then I found music on my own."

"What were you into?"

"Well growing up with Kiran's influence it was a lot of Brit Pop and European stuff, like Kylie Minogue, All Saints, westlife, Spice girls, Craig david... but then on my own I really fell in love with indie artists and then I just grew into other genres, now I listen to everything except for death metal" she giggles.

"Let me guess, you loved John Mayer."

"Don't talk smack about John Mayer, Grey. He's amazing."

Elliot snorts. "Any man who writes shit like 'your body is a wonderland' is lame as fuck."

Ana cocks her head to one side, challenging him "That's big talk coming from someone who danced to Britney Spears 'overprotected' and sang along To. Every. Word." Ana raises an eyebrow and we all laugh. That smart mouth, god I miss it.

"Fuck you, Steele. I was drunk. Besides what happens in Cabo..." Elliot tries to stifle a grin.

"Doesn't stay in Cabo... told you I was lethal. Why else do you think I always stay sober?" Ana laughs out loud.

Ana tries to help out in the kitchen but Mia and Elliot forbid her to touch anything. So she stands around awkwardly but then talks to Ethan a bit. They laugh here and there and the pang of jealousy rears its ugly head. I'll be close to her soon enough. It fills me with dread that it's at the expense of her mental well- being.

There's a knock on the door and I see Ana's face change and her body stiffens. She looks at me and walks over to stand close to me, we're still a few inches apart so I hold her hand and look down at her and give it a squeeze. She gives me a slight nod and once Kiran and Daniel hug Elliot and Kate and everyone else, they both walk towards us and Kiran almost attacks Ana with a big hug while I shake Daniel's hand and give him a half hug. Kiran gives me a kiss on the cheek and gushes over us. Ana gives a small smile and tells her to relax and stop embarrassing us.

No one hugs Vishaal, it's all handshakes and he looks straight at Ana who has never squeezed my hand this hard and it's a small glimpse into the level fear and discomfort she's actually feeling. Kiran and Daniel are lost in conversation with everyone else but I see Kate watching us as Vishaal heads over in our direction.

He walks over, with the bravado of a predator towards us. "Aana, long time no see." He says with a smirk and it takes every fiber in my being to not knock this motherfucker on his ass.

Ana straightens herself and speaks with a low but authoritative voice. "Vishaal, this is Christian, he's..."

"Ah, yes, your boyfriend? I had heard about that. I thought you said he was just your boss? Grey." He nods to me but there's a glint in his eye and I know what he's trying to tell me.

"Kapadia." I respond curtly. The tension in the air is palpable and thankfully it's cut short when I see Kate walk towards us to break it.

"He was and still is but now he's more. What are you doing here?" Ana asks.

He snorts. "Helping Kiran."

"She doesn't need your help. She can close that hotel deal all by herself." She looks straight at him.

"Well, I wanted to reacquaint myself with Seattle, it's been a while." He says with a smile and I feel Ana's body tremble. "I'm going to get a drink." He immediately turns and walks away as Kate comes to stand next to us.

THE NERVE OF THIS MOTHERFUCKER, I pull Ana and we walk to one of the guest rooms and I close the door.

"Ana, this is unacceptable. You have to let me do something."

"You cannot do anything. I forbid you to do anything. This is my family Christian, not some person from my past where who I have no longer have a connection to and you can annihilate with your money and influence. You do anything to jeopardize my relationship with Nita and Nani and I will never ever forgive you." She looks me dead in the eye and I know how serious she is.

"Ana, I will keep you safe and I will give you whatever you need. You have a family with us."

"Christian, you couldn't even give me space when I asked you and I have lived a life with these people. Why can't you understand that I cannot let go, I'm not going to let one person ruin all the good I have with that family. If you cannot understand then you are free to leave. I can handle myself, I have Kate and Elliot."

"I am not leaving you like this. I don't like it one bit but I will not leave you." I lean and rest my forehead against hers and kiss it, trying to inhale her scent and hug her. She lets me and holds on to me, taking a deep breath. It's like home now. She pulls away "We should go back in there." she whispers. Fuck. This is such a shitty place to be in. I cannot comfort her in any way. _More like you can't comfort yourself Grey. _

We all try to be as normal as we can be during dinner. Ana doesn't say much; Kiran is energetic and very soon a little too tipsy for Ana's liking.

"Christian, you and I should get dinner sometime and I'll tell you alllll about our baby Aana." Kiran laughs.

"Okay that's enough wine for you Kiran." Ana chides playfully. "What? This is my job, to tell him all the embarrassing and adorable stories." Kiran giggles. "And there are so many stories, right Aana?" Vishaal chimes. Suddenly Ana does the unexpected and speaks cheerfully.

"Of course there are Vishaal _Bhai." _She enunciates the word Bhai and I see Vishaal's face drop a little. "So I don't know if you guys know, but I was 10 years old when I first met K-apa and Vishaal Bhai and we had so much fun during our first meeting. Ray and Nita were soon going to be married and these two made a promise to me that they'd be my siblings forever. My very own big brother and sister and we were thick as thieves. Right Vishaal Bhai?" She stares at him smiling. Suddenly Kate's words come back to me;

_Ana puts up a really good and convincing front for them. She will smile and laugh through the pain and fear in front of them. She's even fooled me on occasion. I have seen her act so normal with Vishaal in front of the family that you would never guess there was something amiss._

"Aana, looked so cute when we first met her, she was like the pillsbury dough boy... but a girl." Kiran giggles. "We all just loved her so much and we had so many adventures together and got into trouble... well Bhai and I got into trouble while Aana always got off scot free. I blame those blue eyes." Everyone laughs including Ana and Vishaal barely smiles and reaches for his drink. Fucking piece of shit that he is.

"Pillsbury dough boy?" I ask. Ana looks to me and rolls her eyes and shows me a picture of the animated figure. I chuckle and lean into her ear. "I'm so proud of you and you're way cuter." She looks to me and smiles and I see her eyes start to water. I kiss her forehead and we resume engagement with the group.

Every now and then I catch Vishaal looking at Ana and the word menacing doesn't even begin to describe it. I put my open palm on her thigh, signaling her to hold my hand and she complies and I squeeze it. She looks at me and gives me a small smile as I raise her hand and kiss it, she slowly nods and goes back to eating.

We finish with dinner and have some of the dessert Ana made, it's a hit and it's all gone in an instant. Kiran tells me Ana hasn't it made it for her in years so it was a real treat. _My girl is amazing at everything she does. _

We all retire into our small groups. The girls sit around and talk animatedly on side of the room while the guys break off into groups. I talk to Ethan a bit, I refuse to apologize to him but a few minutes into our conversation I realize he's not all that bad. He's back from the east coast and looking to start up his practice after some experience with the department of education. I tell him I'd be happy to help in anyway I can should the need arise. That should suffice as an apology right?

I see Ana get and head to the bathroom. In the mean time I take a seat next to Elliot and listen in on his conversation with Scooter and Vishaal.

"GUYS!" Kiran calls out from the couches "Has Aana ever told you the vampire joke." Ana walks back from the bathroom and glares at Kiran. "Oh come on, Aana... you haven't told them yet?"

"I want to know!" Mia pipes up. "Is this a dirty joke? PLEASE say it is." Elliot laughs like the frat boy he is.

Ana rolls her eyes. "Kiran, you're drunk. Go home."

"Now you have to tell us." Mia whines. Ana gives Kiran another lingering look and then snorts.

She stands in front of us all and rubs her forehead. I can tell she's a little nervous and her face is flushed. She runs her hands through her hair and starts to address the room. It's reminiscent of her little speech at the intro lunch at Kiran's wedding. It feels like a treat to be able to see that girl again.

"OKAY FINE! But let me preface this with two disclaimers; one, this joke can really divide a room. One half will be like 'ewww you're a perv', which I totally I am and the other half will be like, you're a perv but you're charming and we still like you so whatever. To the former, I say fuck you! Learn to live a little.

Second, this joke won't be a 'haha' joke but it'll more for me because I want a particular gross image to live in your mind till the end of days. That will be the real 'haha' moment." I can't help but smile. My little pervert, let's see what you have in store for us. Elliot claps and rubs his palms "Hit us Steele, I love a good dirty joke." Ana giggles.

She begins to speak and walks from left to right across from us, engaging us all in the joke, stopping just short of Vishaal and refusing to look at him.

"OKAY, so! T'was the year 2019. The season was fall and the politically charged holiday was Thanksgiving. It was a crisp, cool Thursday night in Eerie, Indiana; population 150,000 and 3 very handsome vampires were out on the town to... _get some_."

"Wait, this wasn't part of the joke." Kiran says. Ana gives her the death glare. "Don't. Interrupt. Story. Time. Kiran." Ana punctuates each word and it's hilarious how serious she is.

"Sorry." Kiran nervously giggles and gestures Ana to continue on.

"Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was trying to provide some context...SO... as it happens on thanksgiving in the nicer part of town where fresh and warm blood is pure and of high quality, most people are in a food induced coma and therefore unable to answer the door... Now what happens when you don't answer the door for vampires?"

She looks at everyone and we all look at each other and Mia and Kate are the only ones to volunteer information that vampires cannot enter a house until they are invited in according the tenets of vampirism.

"Are you all for real? Like, get with the times bro... ANYWAY, so these three brothers, by the way, this shit I'm telling you has nothing to do with the actual joke, I lied about the context part, I'm just wasting your time and now I'm on a roll." She giggles and she's so fucking adorable and animated, her hands and eyes dancing as she speaks, that we all react to her in kind. It's a joy to see her this up close.

"So they end up at the local bar which doubles as a vampire hangout in the basement. They head on downstairs, by the way, these brothers are like hot! Super hot looking specimens. I thought I should throw that in there. The waitress immediately gets them a table and gets ready to take their order. The oldest brother goes 'I'll have a glass of your finest AB+, preferably no older than a day and under the age of 25.' The brooding second brother goes straight for the good stuff; 'a glass of B-, much like his life motto, on the rocks." She gives Elliot and look and he bursts out laughing and nudges me on the shoulder and it takes me a second to get that she's making a dig at me. I chuckle. Okay Miss Steele, go ahead and make fun of me, I'll take you anyway I can get you.

"Now the third brother, being the trendsetter he is, humbly asks for a cup of boiling hot water and a glass of ice with a little umbrella." All of us are now smiling and thoroughly engrossed.

"The waitress returns a few minutes later and place the order on the table and patiently waits because she too is invested in this situation." She kneels and sits in front of the coffee table and looks at me. "Are you done with your drink? I need the glass for this last part." I take one last gulp of the scotch and give her the glass, our fingers touch and I feel that spark. She puts in front of her and continues. "Now, for the remainder of this joke, imagine this is a margarita glass or something. Anyway, so the two older brothers then look at the youngest brother and are like, okay bro, what the fuck... show us. The youngest brother then proceeds to reach into his jacket pocket and takes out a used tampon and says 'haven't you guys every heard of tea bags?' and mixes it in the hot water and then quickly transfers it in the glass of glass of ice and TADA 'Virgin Iced Tea – it's gonna be allll the rage in 2020, bitches." She says as she holds the empty glass in the palm of her hand like a presenter on a game show and winks at me.

The whole room gags and I can't help but chuckle shaking my head and rolling my eyes. Mia is coughing and laughing. Elliot loses his shit "STEELE THAT WAS FUCKING GROSS" but he can't stop howling. Ethan rolls his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. Kate is gone, almost falling on the floor. Kiran is dying on the couch and Ana points to Elliot, Mia and Kate, "SEE! THOSE REACTIONS... are what I live for. Told you, this joke was more for me." Daniel gets up, laughing and goes to get another drink to get rid of the image, I see Vishaal smirk and his eyes are fixed on Ana but I try my best to not let that affect me. I focus back on my girl. _My Girl_. She laughs and hides her face in her arms resting on the coffee table losing it over Elliot, Mia and Kate. When she raises her face, she's completely red and can't breathe, tears falling from her face. _God, I want to kiss the fuck out of her right now._

Once the laughter subsides, everyone falls into the regular rhythm of conversation. Ana gets up and walks to the library and returns after a few minutes with a stack of books.

"Elliot, I'm taking you up on the offer to borrow books. I'll have Kate return these to you by Monday or I'll bring them back myself."

"You read that fast? You've got like what... 8 books there."

She shrugs "I'm a fast reader, besides some of these just have pictures."

"Which ones are you taking?"

She walks over and sets the stack of books down on the coffee table and kneels opposite us to go through them. There's a book on Mies Van Der Rohe, Water and architecture, Richard Meier, a book on Italian architecture etc.

"Who's your favorite architect?" Elliot asks.

"I don't have an absolute favorite but I like some Richard Meier's work, the Jubilee Church? Fucking beautiful. SHOP architects in New York are doing some pretty great stuff and I like Corb's theory on urban planning from the sky and his master plan sketch for Algeria. I don't really like American architecture, Europeans and South American's do it way better."

"Damn Steele, those are some strong opinions. We're gonna have to get together and talk this out. You really should've done architecture, I think you would've been amazing at it."

"Aana was going to attend UC Berkeley for their architecture program. Remember our trip to check out the campus?" Vishaal chimes in and I glare at him but his eyes are fixed on Ana.

She looks at him deadpan "No I wasn't. I was just considering the possibility." She looks back at Elliot "When I met with their architecture department I asked some of the students what it all entailed. I had only taken those drafting classes in school before the accident so when they told me how stressful and physically taxing it was, I spoke with my doctors and they advised against it. At that point, while I could walk a little, I couldn't really stand for more than 10 minutes and so still needed a wheelchair." The image of her in a wheelchair and injured makes me wince. As much as I wish I knew her back then, I don't know if I would have been able to handle seeing her like that. ...and we didn't know how my recovery was going to look like a year from then so I made the decision to go for English lit at WSU. Besides, I've noticed that there is a huge emphasis on exhibitionism in American architecture, it's either dull as fuck or it's screaming for you to look at it. There's no poetry. I'm happier just reading about it and experiencing the buildings in person, honestly."

She's such a wonder. She never ceases to amaze me with all this knowledge she has. I learn something new about her every single time.

"You can still do a Masters in the history of architecture, you know, you'd be awesome at it. You have a strong background already." Elliot offers.

She beams "I was thinking about that actually, University of Washington has a graduate program but I have some stuff to sort out. I have loans right now, when I'm done paying them off, I'll see."

"We should get together for lunch at my office one day or we can all hang one weekend and I'll show you the new projects we're working on and you can give me your take on them." Elliot is truly excited now.

Ana laughs "I don't know about that, I can read plans but not that well. Besides, if there aren't any renderings I'm going to be seriously bored."

"Don't worry about that, I'll show you the entire presentation pitch, complete with a bass wood model." He winks.

"Count me in then!" she smiles back clapping.

We all talk some more and Vishaal tries to chime in here and there but Ana barely responds to him. We hear a phone ring from the kitchen and Ana jumps up and runs to it. She answers it and I see her body language change, she's speaking in hindi and she's worried.

"Kiran, Vishaal, pick up your fucking phones." She yells from across the room. Kiran gets up to go search for her phone in her purse and Vishaal stands up and pulls his phone from his pocket and realizes he never took it off of silent mode and I see his face drop.

"My phone is out of battery." Kiran says. Vishaal makes a call and runs his hands through his hair. Kiran looks at him with worry, begging him to tell her. He hangs up and walks to Kiran and holds her.

I see Ana standing all alone watching as Vishaal tells Kiran that their grandfather just passed away. Kate runs up and hugs Ana, so does Mia. Ana doesn't react. She keeps staring at Kiran who has completely broken down. Ana walks away from Kate and Mia, no tears in her eyes and goes in to hug Kiran. She holds her tight and I see a few tears fall from her eyes but she doesn't breakdown.

They get their things and start to head out. We all are stunned with no idea of what is really going on. What unfolds in front us only last 5-10 minutes but feels like hours.

"Aana you have to come with us. Please" Kiran pleads, crying.

"Kiran, I can't, I don't have a visa. I can't go with you guys right now."

"Whatever, just come with us we have the jet ready to go, when we get to the airport we'll have someone figure it out. Even Daniel doesn't have a visa and he's coming. Plus Dad knows people and you can get the visa on arrival. Nani is going to need you, so is Nita. Please Aana. Please." Kiran is almost hysterical at this point.

"Kiran, listen to me, you guys go first and I will follow. I have to give notice at work and I'll get a visa. Just go. Take care of Nita and Nani for me till I get there, okay?" She says maintaining her composure.

Kiran and Daniel turn and walk towards the door to get their coats. Vishaal hangs back and takes two steps towards Ana but she backs away. I try to get up but Elliot stops me in time. Vishaal says something to Ana in hindi and she responds back with a grimace.

Once they're out the door, Ana runs back to her phone and makes another call all while speaking in hindi. She listens for a beat and then hangs up. We all watch her as if she were wounded animal. She takes a few deep breaths and turns to us and walks back to the coffee table to kneel where she was sitting before by the books. It's all of us on one side of the table and her alone on the other side. Kate gets up and goes to join her on the floor.

"My Nana, Nita's father, passed away in India about an hour ago." She says in a low voice.

"Steele, tell us what you need. We're here for you. I know you were close with him." Elliot says.

Ana keeps looking down. "I'm okay I think, I wasn't really close to him. He always kept me at a distance. It's always been complicated with him and I. My sadness is more for the fact that Nita has lost her father... Nani has lost her husband and that Kiran has lost the grandfather she adored. She was his favorite."

"But at the wedding he was affectionate towards you when you arrived." I say.

"That's just how you act when you greet an elder. I bow my head a little and they pat your head. He never really let me get close. I mean, when I was little he'd talk to me a lot but then as I got older, he distanced himself and I never understood why. I'm not part of the bloodline or legacy so I guess he always saw me as an outsider but Nani made up for that and more. If Kiran was his favorite, then I was hers."

"Did it ever bother you?" Ethan asks.

"At first it didn't, I just thought he was a grump or that he'd been there since Kiran was born so that's why but after the accident it made sense. I heard him talking about the importance of bloodlines and family and legacy and..." she shrugs "I put two and two together. In spite of all that, I still learned a lot of valuable lessons from him. Any time he gave Kiran and Vishaal or anyone advice, I listened."

"I'm sorry you had to experience that." Mia says with tears in her eyes.

She shrugs "it doesn't really bother me anymore, I mean it did for a while when I was vulnerable during recovery but I got over it. I had to, you know. I had to move forward and getting away from SF and being in Portland with Kate helped a shit ton." She looks at Kate lovingly and hugs her resting her head on her shoulder with her back to all of us. Kate rubs her back and whispers something in her ear and Ana nods. She gets up with her back still turned to all of us and wipes her face and walks to the bathroom.

"Babe, I'm going to take her home and I'll come back in a bit." Kate tells Elliot.

"I can give her a ride, Kate." I offer.

"I'm not sure if she'll go for that." I'd say she's pissed at me but she just looks disappointed and somehow that stings a bit more.

Ana walks back with her eyes and nose red from crying and face washed. She goes to pick up the books. "I'm going to head home and sleep. Sorry for being such a party pooper." she says with a heavy voice.

Elliot gets up and goes to hug her. "Don't you dare think like that Steele." He lets go of her. "Will you be going to India?" Mia asks as if she read my mind.

"As much as I want to, I won't. I can't go while Vishaal is there. It's not safe for me. I just said that to Kiran to get her out of here." She says. Thank fuck, I was worried there for a second.

"I'm going to drop you off." Kate says. "Uh, no you're not. I'll just take an uber. Relax, I'll text you as soon as I'm home." She scolds Kate and goes to get her coat. I get up and walk to her. Kate, thankfully, gives us some privacy.

"Ana, let me take you. I can drop you off or I can have Taylor drop you off first." I offer, more like beg since I'm dying to be close to her right now. She takes a deep breath and looks up. "Okay fine. Just drop me off at the front and I'll go up on my own." Thank fuck.

She hugs everyone, yes even Ethan much to my annoyance and says goodbye but not before threating Elliot to not break her dessert dish.

I pull up the privacy divider and Ana retreats more into her seat and looks at me wide-eyed. Fuck she's scared.

"Ana, I've been wanting to talk to you since you left mom and dad's and now with what happened this week. We need to have a conversation. There's so much I want to say."

She takes a breath and looks out the window and then looks back at me.

"Any conversation you want to have, will have to be in front of Dr. Flynn. After than grotesque display of toxic masculinity on last week, this is the only way we're going to have any conversation regarding us." She says completely detached. "Make an appointment and let me know... and we're going to need two hours because there is a shit ton that I have to say as well." I nod in agreement.

"I have an appointment for tomorrow at his house actually, I could pick you up and we can go together? The appointment is at 3pm"

"Do you always intrude on the poor man's family time?"

I chuckle. "No, not really. Things are different this time around. More is at stake and he's known me for years so he's invested in my well being,"

She looks down and nods while staring at her fingers. "That was quite a performance back there with the joke. You're such a wonder sometimes" She smiles, still looking out the window. "I haven't told that joke... in a really long time. Drunk Kiran can be really clingy and whiny and it's not a cute look so I gave in, otherwise I probably wouldn't have done it."

"I'm glad you did. Never knew you were such a pervert Miss Steele." I say. She snorts. "Well, when you have a cousin like Kiran and Rania and a best friend like Kate who are unapologetic over sharers you only have two options, either beat 'em or join 'em and I chose to join 'em and actually make fun of them for my own entertainment." She laughs. God, I want more of this back and forth but I have so many other questions about what happened.

"What did Vishaal say to you that made you take a few steps back?"

She takes a deep breath and looks out the window. "I just don't like it when he comes near me so it's a reflex plus he was just saying that because they have the jet and I could enter and leave the country undetected if I wanted to... so I told him to shove his jet up his ass." She giggles.

I want to smile but feel myself tense. She looks at me. "Don't overthink it Christian and thank you for be patient with everything that happened today. I know it was awkward and seeing my interactions with Vishaal aren't all that a pleasant experience."

I take a deep breath, so desperately wanting to be close to her and to hold her. "Ana, I swear to God you are the only thing that's keeping me from drowning his ass in Lake Washington. Otherwise I would've murdered him ages ago."

"He's not worth the headache, trust me." She says while looking out the window. We don't say much after that. I stare at her profile as she sits with her eyes closed as a lone tear falls down her cheek.

* * *

Saturday, January 25th, 2020

**CPOV**

Ana tells me she has brunch plans with some of her work friends in Capitol Hill and will be done by 1:30pm. I can't help but feel jealous. It's an emotion I've come to feel and know too well since this whole mess started. Fucking Elena Lincoln ruining my life at every turn. She had been sending emails and calling the office like a madwoman trying to get to talk to me since I blocked her number on my cell and email.

I don't want to be tied to her in anyway. Pun intended.

* * *

_FLASHBACK_

_January 8th, 2020._

_After leaving work, I told Taylor to drive me to Esclava. I knew it'd be closed but Elena always stayed behind for a few hours. She hadn't been expecting me at all but her barrage of texts and phone calls to both my office and cell phone had driven me up the wall. She welcomed me in and we walked into her office._

"_Christian, darling, I've been desperately trying to reach you. You're making a mistake. You have to see it."_

"_Listen to me Elena, I need you to back the fuck off from Ana and my family. Don't you dare show up anywhere near us. It is OVER. Do you understand, it is over, it has been over and it will remain OVER... FOREVER."_

"_You're just lost."_

"_NO! Elena, I have finally found myself thanks to Ana."_

"_She's a weak girl, Christian. You need submission and she will NEVER submit to you."_

"_She's the strongest woman I know Elena. She has shown me how to live. You kept me caged all these years for your own benefit. This stops now. The control, the manipulation, it's all over."_

"_You're making a big mistake, Christian and you will suffer."_

"_Don't make empty threats Elena, I have all the money in the world to destroy you. You won't be able to show your face anywhere in the United States, I will make sure of it."_

"_I MADE YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT."_

_I can't help but laugh. "I MADE MYSELF. MY MIND, MY TALENT AND MY DEDICATION. YOU JUST TAUGHT ME HOW TO FUCK AND REMAIN ISOLATED FROM THE WORLD."_

"_Love is for fools and it will ruin you. Watch. Then you'll come crawling to me."_

"_I'd rather kill myself than entertain that thought."_

"_Pathetic. That's what you are Christian."_

"_I don't give a shit about what you think. Now, I've instructed my lawyers to gift you my share of the business. I don't want to be associated with you in anyway. If you know what's good for you, you'll take it and leave me and anyone I love the fuck alone or I swear to god... I will make it my life's mission to burn everything you hold dear to the ground. Have I made myself clear?"_

_I see a flash of pain in her face at the finality of what I'm saying._

"_Fine. You're making a big mistake Christian but I will always be here for you. You will come back to me one day. You'll see. You can't just erase what we had."_

"_Desperation isn't a good look on you Elena. Goodbye."_

_END FLASHBACK_

* * *

AS: Almost done, paying the bill. I can meet you across the street from where I am? There's a place called Vivace Espresso. I'll meet you there?

CG: I'll be there in another 10 minutes.

AS: Perfect.

I park and wait. I look across the street and see there's a line of people waiting to get in for brunch. A couple of minutes later I see Ana and some of her friends walk out. They're all laughing and stand to pose of a selfie. One of her friends has balloons, which means it was probably a birthday brunch. I see her hug everyone including two guys but I can't tell who they are. I count to 10 and then count backwards. I need to remain calm. I need to remember what Flynn told me; that I have to trust her judgment. I cannot make decisions for her. She waves everyone goodbye and crosses the street but looks to me and signals she needs two minutes and goes to the Bank ATM right next to the coffee shop.

She comes back out a few minutes later. She looks so young and carefree, like she had a good morning, something she needed after last night. She's always so put together even when wearing the most normal of clothes like a pair of jeans with a white t-shirt. I love that she barely wears makeup. God, I could kill to kiss those lips right now. It's been too fucking long.

She's a little out of breath but in a slightly happier mood. "Hi, thanks for waiting. It was a little chaotic in there." She giggles.

"It's okay, we still have a lot of time. Was it someone's birthday?" I begin to drive out.

"Yeah, my friend Val from Mergers and Acquisitions. We'd been all planning to meet up for brunch at this place for forever but I was always busy on the weekends so they all planned this date and threatened me show up." she smiles.

"Who were the two guys?" I ask in my best, unaffected voice. She looks at me and snorts. "Jose and his husband Phillip." I feel my body relax. Thank god.

"So tell me, were you really checking my ass last week when I walked out of the elevator because my little circle of gossiping queens won't let me live it down." She challenges me.

I try to not smile but I can't help myself. "Miss Steele, can't help it when you wear a skirt like that. It's almost like you begged me to stare at it."

"Mr. Grey, that's grounds for harassment. I was wearing perfectly acceptable attire for the work place. Perhaps you need to realign your brain and keep your eyes to yourself." She says with a hint of amusement and sarcasm trying not to laugh.

I have to chuckle. "How did these gossiping queens find out?"

"Well, after I left the elevator my friend Val saw you looking at my ass and she's been at GEH for 5 years and has never seen you react that way. So thanks for that."

"It was an ass worth gawking over. Couldn't help myself." I say dryly.

"Well next time, please don't. I don't need all of GEH catching wind of this, it's been absolute torture being teased for the past week."

"I'd say you should wear it as a badge of honor. Miss Anastasia "who gets her ass checked out by the billionaire CEO" Steele."

Ana laughs out loud and it's genuine. "Fine then, host a company awards dinner and order me a plaque and present it to me. I'll gladly accept the honor."

We drive in comfortable silence till her phone rings. She picks it up and it's a facetime call.

"Hey babygirl, sorry I missed your call. How are you? How you were holding up." She says with affection

"Raniapa..." She says as her voice breaks. She says something in hindi and it sounds so heartbreaking.

"Oh baby... I don't know. You know how he was... so hard to read. Only Nani knew how to read him. Maybe he was saying goodbye in his own way. I'm so sorry, Aana. You know he loved you. Always asked about you. He just... he had a hard time expressing himself."

Ana sobs. "Yeah, I guess... I don't know." They talk in hindi for a bit more and both cry.

"Listen do you want to go to India? Cause if you want to, Karan has the jet at MIA and you can fly there and go with him and I can call up our contact at the Consulate in DC to expedite your visa and I'll have my assistant book you a ticket from Seattle."

"No, it's okay Apa, I spoke with Nani early this morning, she told me to stay put. Are you coming to Seattle to finalize the hotel deal?"

"Yeah I have to now, since all the main people are in India. I get in first thing Monday morning and then hopefully we close this and sign the letter of intent. I plan to leave by 3pm."

"I was hoping we could get dinner after..."

"Babe, I have to come back to SF, I've already been working too much and Aria is starting to feel it so I want to be here to put her to bed. You want to come with me and spend a few days here? Just to get away for a bit?"

"No, it's okay. Work is a little crazy right now. I can't afford to take off." She says with sadness.

I hear the sound of a child start to whine and call Ana's name.

"By the way, your favorite gremlin is awake now, she wants to talk to you." Rania laughs.

"Is that my baby Aria? I miss you bubble, are you being a good girl for mama?" Ana asks animatedly in a child-like voice and it's adorable.

"Aana khala I eat all my bweakfast." the child says "I'm so proud of you my love. What did you eat." The child says something in hindi and Ana laughs. "You're so lucky, I haven't had that in forever... will you make me some when I come to see you gremlin?"

"Listen Aana, come to SF for a weekend, I'll make you all the desi food you like and bring Christian too, I never got to meet him. It's about time we start to brainwash him like Daniel. How is he by the way?"

Ana smiles "He's okay, just busy, you know how it is" I can tell she's trying to deflect. "Okay, well let me know whenever you want to visit, Raees was asking about you too and I need my Aria to spend time with you in person and not just video messages and facetime calls every week. It's been too long."

"Yes Apa, I'll send you some dates and we'll coordinate." She smiles back.

They talk some more about the business and I find it interesting, they switch from English to Hindi every now and then. I'm tempted to ask Welch to do a background check and a full profile on her grandfather's business but Flynn's advice starts to ring loud in my brain.

"_This isn't a contractual relationship. You have to let Ana come forward with the information in her own time. You cannot invade her privacy like that because once she finds out you did, she will feel violated and for someone who values privacy himself; I hope you can understand that. After all, she hasn't posed a threat to you has she? You trust her? Then why not keep that initial assessment in mind and move forward with that."_

She hangs up after a while and looks out the window but I can see her crying. She doesn't make a sound.

"Baby, what happened with Nana?"

She shakes her head. "He acted really weird the last time I was there. He actually talked to me. Like heart to heart. That hasn't happened... it only happened once before I left for college and it was brief. He wouldn't even interact me in recovery. But this time he told me he was proud of me and that dad would've been proud of the woman I've become, it was the first time he said that... He asked about you. He asked me to sing for him... for the first time in my life and it was the most gut wrenching song he could've asked me to sing. It was... a lot. He never called me, would never talked to me when I called from college. It was always just a brick wall from him and then he says all that shit to me and kisses my forehead and now he's gone." She takes a deep breath. "And now I'm crying over a man, who barely spoke to me but in the end showed me just an ounce of affection. I don't know. I'm sick of feeling this way."

I have no way to console her. I don't even know what to fucking say to her.

"What was the song about?"

"It was about when your beloved goes far away and you're pining for them. You sing out to your beloved that, the love I have for you, you'll never understand and maybe when I'm no longer in the world, you'll actually come back to find me."

"Do you believe that he loved you?"

She shrugs. "Does it matter what I believe? I don't have any memories of this love. I just have a whole lot of longing."

"Do you want to go to India?"

"I do but Nani wants me to stay put." She wipes her tears "I just feel so selfish. I should be there for them and I'm hiding out here because that Dementor has got that whole place wired. I've thought of every worst case scenario that can happen to me there and it's not pretty. They'll be back next month... is it bad that I feel a sense of relief that she said no?" her voice breaks.

"No it isn't but I'm also biased. I know you love Nita and Nani but you can't put yourself in harms way baby. If you really want to go then I can send Sawyer and another CPO with you, plus we have contacts in the state department who help with local security teams there. You'll be safe." I offer.

"No it's okay, also I just barely caught up with everything at work. I appreciate the thought but I'll be okay about all this after a goodnight's sleep."

She doesn't say anymore for the remainder of the ride and continues to look out her window.

...

We knock on John's front door and he greets us while holding his son Benjamin who looks much cleaner than the last time we saw him.

"Christian, Ana, come on in. Rhiann is just finishing up a quick call and our babysitter is due any minute so I hope you don't mind waiting a bit while I watch the kids?"

We follow him into the TV room where Chloe is playing with her dolls. She sees Ana runs towards us.

"AANA, you're back!" Ana crouches down and gives her a hug "Yes Elsa, I came back." I see Rhiann come out from one of the hallways and smile at us.

"Aana, you look sad. What happened?"

"I'm fine bubble, I promise. I'm just missing my dad a little." Ana strokes her cheek.

"Did he die like Elsa and Anna's mom and dad?" Rhiann gasps and chides Chloe but Ana signals her not to.

"No baby girl, he's just faraway right now but he'll be home soon." Ana says while trying to hold back her tears and I hear her voice waver and it's fucking heartbreaking.

"Don't be sad" She gives Ana a hug and a kiss "My daddy is a doctor and he helps when people are sad. He always gives me a hug when I'm sad and I feel better."

"I know bubble, that's why I'm here. Your dad is going to help me not be sad anymore and thank you for the hug, I feel so much better now." She smiles and kisses Chloe's cheek. I look at John and Rhiann and their adoration for the exchange. I feel a lump in my throat.

"Watch out Dr. Flynn, she's going to take all your patients and run your practice into the ground." Ana laughs and wipes her face.

"That's what I'm afraid of and Ana, please call me John. You're in my home now and my kids adore you... Chloe has asked about you a million since she met you last." John smiles genuinely at her.

What the fuck is happening. How can she just do shit like this so effortlessly? I'm losing my mind in awe.

We take our seat on the couch and Ana sits as far as she can from me. John sits across from us and we get right into it.

"Ana, I thought I was going to see you after the New Year but you never scheduled an appointment." John starts.

"I know and I'm sorry. I know this feels like I'm doing a disservice but it's just been chaotic with work. I've been staying late to catch up. It's not an excuse I know I have to do better. I'm trying to break these old self-analyzing habits where I just sit and think about stuff on my own for a while before talking about them."

"Why do you feel the need to do that?"

"Because the emotion I feel sometimes is just too much. I want my sessions here to be useful to me and not just me crying and being angry. I want to be able to verbalize what's going through my mind and that's really hard sometimes. Everything I'm experiencing right now is new and the only thing I know how to do to protect myself is to remove myself from the situation so I can find myself." She takes a deep breath as she finishes.

He asks Ana a recap of everything since the last session and she gives a blow by blow account from the New Year's Eve party till last night. Her attention to detail is incredible and she's so articulate.

"Would you like to talk about your grandfather's passing?" He asks.

"I'd rather talk about it during a solo session." She looks to him.

"Okay, then what bothered you most about Elena said?" John asks.

"The fact that she was right. I do come from nothing and that even if Christian doesn't see me as a charity case right now, everyone else will. If word of this ever got out, I know exactly how it's going to play out. I have seen it happen to my cousins and their significant others who didn't come from money. It's brutal how people dig into you and I feel like Elena is dedicated enough given her obsession with Christian."

John looks to me and asks me to counter. "Ana, I think in regards to what I need and don't need is a decision that I can only make. Elena can say whatever but in the end, it is solely my decision. I want you, have wanted you and will want you to be with me. As I said before, I need you in my life. Surely, I know myself better than anyone else."

Ana doesn't sound convinced but chalks it up to something we have to deal with on a case-by-case basis.

"Ana, tell me about Christian coming to your apartment."

She scoffs. "Well, it was a real shit show if you ask me and I'm still fucking pissed about it. I'm sorry I'm cursing but I can't even begin to tell you how embarrassing it was to go through that. I have never been accused of disloyalty in my life and it hurt. I'm not one to play games, it's a waste of time. I didn't ask for space to play games with him, I did it to find myself but he will not listen. I have someone following me; I know it because Mia told me about her covert CPO so I knew he'd do the same to me. He's definitely watching me on CCTV because I have NEVER run into him this many times in the elevator or around work. I wasn't born yesterday. Oh... and how could I forget... him summoning me to a farce of an HR meeting in his office." She looks fucking pissed and she looks to me.

Fuck. She is GOOD and I'm embarrassed but also stubborn as fuck so I refuse to concede. I can see John give me a knowing look.

Ana gets up and starts to pace around as she continues to speak, she keeps her back to me as she looks out of the window.

"And then... his anger... he came at me and..." she stifles a sob and I feel like my blood go ice-cold. John gives me a worrying look.

"What do you mean he came at you Ana?"

She takes a breath. "He was angry, so fucking angry and asked me if I really thought I could get over him and that I was only his and he came at me and in that moment... I...I..." she shakes her head. "For a second it reminded me of all those times I had been in situations where Vishaal came at me. I felt helpless and it gave me a small window into what maybe Dominant Christian is like but this time... something else happened... one second I felt insane fear and then suddenly... I...I felt something shift inside of me. It felt dark but also clear... I felt... it was like a realization... my body... something I've been trying to protect... it just doesn't matter any more, it had already been broken and abused so if it happened again, it wouldn't matter. All I need is my mind. I came back from such darkness and pain. I learned how to walk again, how to speak again... if I could do all of that then I could certainly get over heartbreak. I couldn't have been brought back to lose myself over someone." She sobs, shaking her head and I hide my face in my hands. Fuck, she thought I was going to force myself on her. The fucked up part is, a part of me might have. I definitely wanted to kiss her and doing so would have willed her to let me take her. Fuck. FUCK, I am such an asshole.

She remains standing, looking out of the window, quietly crying as John gives her tissues. He looks back at me and signals me to speak.

"Ana, I am so sorry. That was certainly not my intention. I know I should have approached all of this very differently, I know I fucked this up. I shouldn't have been aggressive like that, I am still learning and I am trying my best to be worthy of you. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I never want you to feel afraid of me. I would never hurt you like that. This is all very new for me too, when you said all of that, it knocked the wind out of me, it showed me how strong you truly are and I felt so small. I felt rejected all over again. The thought of you not wanting me... I can't... I just... I'm sorry." My voice is strained and my throat burns.

"I didn't say all of that to hurt you even though I realize it came across that way. It's just the simple truth. No one dies for anyone Christian and life moves on after heartbreak. It isn't ideal but after a while it hurts less and you put one foot in front of the other. I know I had a weak moment at the dock but it's not something I wasn't in control of. I have been living with various forms of heartbreak since I was little, what's one more? I don't think it will dramatically tip the scales, at this point I'm used to it." She takes a deep breath and sits back down. Her face is hidden behind her hair.

"Ana, how do you want to move forward from this?" John asks.

"Well, like I've been saying from the very beginning. I want space and time but I can't seem to get it. At this point I have seriously considered resigning because it's just... it's a lot. I mean I know how impatient he is. I worked for him for 4 months before we met, I have heard it and seen it all and sometimes it was terrifying. We may not have known each other but I have seen that side of him but I..." she turns to look at me and her face is red, her eyes full of sadness. "It's like I told you in your office that day with HR... we are just different people, we operate differently and need different things. You have to respect that. I know you have needs but what I am asking you to do is to really look inside yourself and ask the important questions. You have never done that. It's always been your way or the highway. Well, guess what... I am not your submissive Christian; I can't be bend to your will. You have to respect my wishes. Relationships require expansion of personality, if you just stick to your hold habits and coping mechanisms then we will have no way of progressing. Please try and understand. Not everything is a game, not everything can be won." A new wave of tears fall and she looks down.

"Christian, would you like to add anything?"

"I know. You're right and I'm sorry. I got carried away and this is all very new to me. I'm sorry. I will stop and I will back off. I will still be there should you need me but Ana I cannot compromise on the security, it's non-negotiable."

She rolls her eyes "Fine, whatever. But I still want to go to work on my own. They can lay low." Fuck, thank God she agreed.

Sunday, January 26th, 2020

For some reason, I have this urge to hangout with Elliot. This has almost never happened but since Ana a lot of almost never happened things have happened. Flynn was right, I need to talk to people my own age, I need to talk to my peers and who better than my brother.

CG: Hey Elliot, are you free this evening?

EG: All good? We just hung out two nights ago.

CG: Yeah, I thought maybe you could come to Escala and hang out. Was hoping we could talk?

EG: Yeah sure, bro. What time?

CG: After 5pm?

EG: Can Gail make some mac and cheese. That shit is like crack.

CG: She already made some for the weekend so we're good.

...

I've been in the office working most of the afternoon when I glance at the time and see it's 5:30 and I hear the faint sound of the television. Is he already here?

I walk out towards the sound and see Elliot plopped on the couch stuffing his face with mac and cheese with a six pack in front of him.

"Sup little bro?" he grins like a child with his mouth half full. I can't help but roll my eyes.

"Not much, Lelliot. I see you've found your happy place."

"Oh yeah, I saw you on a call in the office and I thought I'd just chill for a bit and watch a show till you were done and then I saw the mac and cheese and well... here we are."

"I'll go make myself a bowl and join you in a bit."

We make idle chit chat and catch up on his current development projects and the new ones he's bidding for. I'm proud of him, he's really soaring with Grey construction and he's doing a great job. After sometime the conversation starts to lull and I can tell he has stuff on his mind, I know exactly what he's thinking and what he wants to ask.

"Elliot, I know you have a lot of questions and we never got to talk while Ana was at the house so go ahead and I'll try and answer the best I can."

His face tenses and I can tell this is going to be a long night and we're going to need more than a 6 pack.

"I think I'm going to need something stronger to get start and get through this conversation." He says in a small voice.

"Okay then let's go into my study. I keep the good stuff there anyway."

I get the bottle of scotch and give him a glass. We're probably going to go through this entire bottle given what lies ahead.

"Christian, I think more than anything my question is... why? Was it something we did to make you feel that you couldn't come to us for help or talk?"

"Elliot, please believe when I say that I didn't do this to spite you all. I just had issues and I had all this fucking anger and hurt inside of me. I didn't and to some degree still don't know how to properly articulate it. What happened with Elena... just happened. I couldn't bear to be touched and still can't. I just... " my voice trails off. "I know that it killed you guys but I was in my own personal hell with no way out. I didn't think I was worthy. All this shit gave me a respite from it and it taught me a great deal of control, which is what helped me get to the level of success I reached today. It helped get what I need without the fear of being touched. It was what I needed or at least what I thought I needed." I lose my words again; I can't seem to explain myself any further.

I see Elliot stare at the coffee table and his eyes closed as if I've pained him.

"I can't help think that this is equally my fault, if I hadn't teased you and been such an asshole when we were younger, you could've learned to trust me and confide in me. You're my kid brother, it fucking sickens me that Elena did that shit to you. If I see her again I will rip that bitch to pieces." He says with disgust and an extreme sadness that makes a lump form in my throat.

"I want to kill her too but I'd rather watch her suffer at this point and trust me I'm working on making that happen."

"Did you really enjoy that lifestyle Christian? Because I can't seem to see who you are with... all of that." He can barely speak himself and I can sense his disgust.

"It was never enjoyment, it was a means to an end. I got what I needed and moved on. With Ana, I realized how fucking hollow my life had been till now. She gave you guys back to me in a way that I never knew I could have and I am filled with a lot of regret because of it."

"Did you want that for her initially?" Elliot gives me a look that I know all too well. It's a look when you're praying to a higher power to be proven wrong but I can't lie to him.

I take a deep breath. "Elliot when I first saw her at GEH, I briefly thought, yes, but only because that was all that I knew and I hadn't had a contract in almost 4 months. It was a fleeting thought but my interaction with her at work was unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. Then... her eyes. I was a goner. When I saw her walk in at the intro lunch at Scooter's wedding... at the risk of sounding like a limp dick sap... I saw life in color for the first fucking time. I didn't know she was connected to the wedding when I saw her at work that first time. She introduced herself as Anastasia and whenever you and Mia talked about her you said Ana so I never made the connection."

Elliot looks away from and runs his hand through his hair. "I know that you really love her, I truly know that but that small window of time where you wanted her as a submissive... she didn't deserve that. She didn't deserved to be looked at like that and considered that way. She's a god damn angel." Elliot's voice is low.

"Dude, when I met her in Cabo, I can't describe it... I instantly had a bond with her that I have never been able to have with Mia and I love Mia, I do, but she's always been your kid sister and I was okay with that because I thought, I was always teasing you but that's what older brothers did. But you got to have that bond with her and she opened you up a bit so it was fine. I had my friends and I had a relationship with mom and dad and I was happy... but meeting Ana, I thought this kid gets me... and then you know already how she cared for Mia. She was already family to me since then and then she brought you out of your shell in just a few hours of the wedding. It was like watching a miracle worker. I think I finally got to see the real you. I wish we had met her sooner... and then we could had you come back to us as well. "

He smiles but it's still laced with sadness and the gravity of his words floor me. Elliot in spite of his carefree and big personality has always been the sensitive one among us. He had a big heart and a lot of love to give. Much like Ana. Maybe that's why they have such a strong connection and understand each other.

I can barely speak. "I'm sorry Elliot. I know I've disappointed you."

"I'm not disappointed Christian, I'm just..." he takes a deep breath. "I'm just sad because you have never deserved that shit. What happened to you when you were a kid, what Elena did to you, none of that shit should've happened you and it's not your fault. We just need to move on now and make sure shit like this doesn't get the best of us so we can actually strengthen our relationship. Enough of the secrets, I've got your back no matter what. You're my only brother. Even if I'm fucking pissed at you, I've got your back. But Christian, you have got to talk to us. We're your family... we're always going to be on your side."

"I know and I'll never forget it." I say with my voice strained. "By the way, Mia knows as well. She came to me after that night at the dock and I couldn't hide it. She doesn't know all the details about the BDSM stuff but she knows about what Elena did to me. I don't know if she's said anything."

I see Elliot nod and swallow "No she hasn't. I don't think any of us are going to be able to talk about this, we're all just processing this on our own for now."

"Did you and Ana get a chance to talk on Friday night after you left my apartment?"

"I tried to but she said that after my little show at her apartment last week, the only way she was going to have a conversation with me was in front of Flynn. We had a session yesterday and well... it was heavy."

"Yeah about that... real dick move bro. You really suck at the relationship stuff. You could've just called me and I would've helped you out but no, you had to go and be the tough guy only to get your balls cut off and tossed out by a 5'5" woman." Elliot laughs out loud and I join in and pretty soon we're howling.

"Dude, she's fucking terrifying. I had yelled at her and she just stood there and spoke to me with the most fucking, chilling calm. I swear I thought she was going to murder me. I mean, even Grace wasn't that terrifying. After she said her piece she walked up to me and said, 'now get the fuck out of my apartment before I throw you out', I swear to god, I almost died."

"Dude, there's a reason why her last name is Steele. Fucking nuts bro."

"She doesn't want me anymore though. She's made it abundantly clear on a many occasions and I'm sick to my stomach at the idea of not having her in my life. It's a fucking punch in the gut every second of every day. It also doesn't help that she works only two floors below me and whatever little interaction we've had or the number of times our paths of crossed, she remains impassive and unaffected by me."

"Christian, you're not giving her time. You are the most impatient man I know. I know you're afraid of losing her but the more you push, the more she's going to back out. I get that this is all new but patience bro, patience. I'm having dinner with her tomorrow. Kate's off to New York for a few days with her dad so we're all taking turns meeting up with her under the guise of 'let's hang out' when we're really just making sure she's doing okay."

"Okay. Yeah, sure. That sounds like a good idea." I feel a wave of jealousy run through me, I'm obviously not on this list.

"I'm not going to lie, I'm a little jealous of the relationship you have with her." I say with a small voice filled with regret. Elliot looks at me with wide eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know, you guys have this connection, like you can read each other's minds and you're always making each other laugh and she's so comfortable with you. I don't know... I wish I had that with her."

"Well, her and I are alike in some ways but Christian, our relationship is so different from what you both have. I used to be so jealous of the relationship you and Mia shared. She always ran to you. She always took your side when we fought but as I grew older it bothered me less and less because sometimes that's just how it is. Doesn't make us any less of siblings, I know she'll still be there for me when I need it most. You too can have all of that with Ana but you have got to open up to her. You have got to let her see who you are and let her in. You're hiding behind this fear of...I don't know what it is, but you are holding back. And Ana, she just gives bro. She gives it all. Why do you think we all gravitate towards her? She doesn't even ask for anything, we all just want to be there for her. She knows how to meet everyone at their level and make them feel like they are the only person in the room. I have NEVER seen anyone do that. Fuck, I don't know how she does that, it looks fucking exhausting but she's a pro at it."

"You should see her at GEH, Lelliot. She recently saved us $10 million on contract because there were grammar errors and a clause that didn't belong in the final contract. She started this cookie initiative that's improved interdepartmental relationships which has helped Ros so much. Ros is in love with her. Can you imagine? Everyone in the fucking building knows her, from the janitorial staff, she's as famous as me except they all want to actually be her friend... She hosted karaoke night at a bar recently and at least 100 people showed up. She gave this speech on how she wanted to see more community at GEH and that they had to work together and make each other's lives easier so they could have a more meaningful work experience." I look up and Elliot is grinning like a like a proud brother. "HR showed me the video of her speech, hold on I have it." I pull up the email and play it for Elliot and he smiles and laughs.

"And get this, we had her come to my office to give us an informal assessment of my management style of GEH and she fucking laid it out there. She didn't hold back, she put me in my place. Said the only thing I had to offer was money when my employees needed validation and trust from me. I could go on and on. I was speechless Lelliot. You should've seen it. Ros is obsessed with her, the whole fucking building worships her." I shake my head in awe.

"Bro, for fucks sake, stop fucking this up. You're never going to find another girl like her. She's 1 in a billion."

"I know Elliot, I'm trying. In spite of myself, I'm really trying."

* * *

**Authors Note:** I know... the EMOSHUNS are too much. I promise the next two chapters are sweet and funny. I'm still reorganizing some of what I've already written and it's alot. I have a problem with brevity as you can see. I just want to describe everything, physically and emotionally. HELP.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out the chapter 22-23-24 board :)

**Music:**

Hanging by a moment - Lifehouse

Your Body is A Wonderland - John Mayer

Overprotected - Britney Spears

Khamaj - Fuzon


	25. Chapter 25

I think you guys will like this one. You'll learn more about Ana's family business and a little present for you guys at the end of the chapter.

I'm glad a lot of you liked the last chapter, we are on our way to these two getting back together. I PINKY PROMISE. Next chapter will be a heart to heart between Elliot and Ana. I've always adored Elliot's character in general.

TLynnson: You read my mind! I actually have something up my sleeve like that in the coming chapters. thank you so much for leaving a review and sharing your thoughts!

Luvdisney2007: I wanted to say THANK YOU for being dedicated. I know how crazy this time is and you're doing us all such a huge favor. Stay safe love. To all the people out there who are showing up for work and are essential employees in their industries. Thank you, THANK YOU for your service. We do not deserve you. I'm glad you liked the little humor in girl talk between Kate and Ana. I really enjoyed writing it, haha. Along with showing a mirror to Christian in regards to his businessman demeanor. He played with fire and da bish got burnttttt haha.

This is short chapter but it has goodies in it.

* * *

Chapter 25 - I was so foolish, I was so blind.

_Monday, January 27th, 2020_

After my nightmare early this morning, I lay in bed and set my playlist to shuffle as I thought about everything Grace told me about Christian when she came by for a surprise visit yesterday afternoon before her shift at Seattle-Mason. Christian and Mia had told her about Nana's passing and she wanted to check in on me and brought me some home cooked food. It was the best thing to have in this time of confusion and loneliness.

"_When I saw him across the room... his eyes were magnetic. I saw a world of hurt in them but I just knew I was meant to be his mother. I wanted to take him away from all the pain and give him all the love I could. I went home to Cary that night, woke up him up and said that I found my son."_

"_He was so self-sufficient. It was almost heartbreaking. He wouldn't let me touch him and still doesn't. He would bathe himself. He'd eat to his hearts content but there was still fear in his eyes. I'd find food stashed away under his bed or hidden in the drawers. He was just so afraid. He'd wake up at night crying and screaming. He had horrible night terrors, screaming for his mother, screaming for the abuse to stop. It was... my baby boy went through so much."_

"_Elliot of course wasn't all that happy to have another sibling. He's my clown but he eventually got over it and they got a long but Christian never spoke. Not until Mia. I brought her home and Christian never left her side. He looked at her with wonder and when I introduced him to her, I said 'Christian, this is your baby sister. Her name is Mia."... he said her name. His first word was Mia and Ana, it was like there was light in his eyes. I looked at Cary and cried. My baby boy had found his voice."_

"_The second time I felt like I saw the light in his eyes, the light that was always meant to be there and burn bright was when he was with you. They way he worried for you at the resort and the way he looked at you the entire time. It was magic."_

"_That bitch took a lot away from him. I'd be lucky if I'd get to speak to Christian once a week but since you Ana, I get to speak to him 2-3 times a week and we've met for lunch twice. Even if it's small conversations, he talks. We still have a long way to go but he's coming back to us. You did that Ana."_

I say a prayer to try and calm myself. I can go back to him. I can trust him. I have to believe that I can trust him. I have to believe that he won't hurt me like that. He's been patient and gentle with me, that person really does exist. I need to have faith in him. I need to find the strength in me to have more faith than fear.

For the infinite time in the last few weeks, I wake up late. Thank god, I always set out my clothes the night before to save me some time. While I always do get to work on time, the anxiety filled morning tends to hang over me like a cloud for the rest of the day. I can't seem to sleep. I haven't slept well since my last night with Christian. How is it that someone who I haven't known for very long can have such a hold on me. I have confusing dreams and I wake up crying. Nani told me to not measure my relationship in time but in trust. I trusted him with everything and I ran away in fear. One aspect of his life came to light and it scared me to my core. A part of my brain is screaming at me to leave before I get left because I've never been enough.

I blast some music. I need to get out of this mindset. I take a quick and cold shower to help me wake up and do a quick low messy bun. I have puffy eyes and dark circles. When I feel like shit I tend to overdo my make up. I read somewhere that lipstick gives you endorphins. Well, this morning at Steele, Inc... we're going for a shit ton of concealer, eyeliner a shit ton of mascara and a red lip. Hopefully that will distract everyone from my miserable looking face. I throw on a dark green, structured crepe dress and black heels. Yes, this façade will get me through the day because it has to.

_Sound of the times  
Sound of your crimes  
Thinkin' about the other night  
Was it all in my mind?  
I was so foolish, I was so blind  
Why do we do this to each other, baby?  
Heartbreak by design_

_How could you tell me nothing's wrong  
(Just tell me, baby)  
Tell me, tell me nothing's wrong  
(How could you tell me nothing's wrong)  
It was good but now it's gone, baby  
Tell me, tell me nothing's wrong  
(T-tell me nothing's wrong)  
How could you tell me nothing's wrong  
(Just tell me baby)  
Go on, tell me what you want (t-tell me)  
Boy, you keep telling me all along (t-tell me)  
Just telling me nothing's wrong_

**CPOV**

"The Malaysians are really easy to work with. Wish the Chinese weren't such pricks." Ros groans.

"Hmm."

"Christian, is everything okay? You've been really out of it this morning." Ros asks and I almost detect a sense of worry in her voice.

"Yeah, just a lot on my mind. Personally."

"IS IT A GIRL? I sincerely hope so because you being gay would really make me question my gaydar."

"Ros, for fucks sake."

"Christian, you have been up and down like a girl on her period. I mean you barely spoke a word outside of your usual grunts in this conference call."

"Fuck off, Ros. What's next?"

"We have a meeting with Senator Rhodes at 4pm. We need to leave by 3:30 and then we have that dinner with the Swedes and the Mayor to talk about the wind turbine pilot program. We also need to find time to talk about Rahman Industries, are you up for a working lunch in my office?"

"Yeah, I have lunch free." Thought I wish I didn't. I wish I could be spending quality time with Ana... spending it i_nside her. _Fuck, I need to get a grip. I wonder what she's doing today.

"Mrs. Rahman is finally making an appearance at this next meeting and I get the distinct impression her bastard son is playing both sides. We are going to need our own interpreter in the room just in case to make sure our side is being heard. Does anyone at GEH come from India or maybe knows the language? Let me call HR!" Ros moves to call Caroline from the conference room phone.

"Caroline, Ros here. Do you we have anyone at GEH who is from India or can speak the language? It's kind of urgent."

"Hold on, give me a second... yes we have two people. Anastasia Steele, she can speak Hindi, Urdu and Punjabi and we have Ishaan Kadam, he can speak Marathi, Gujrati and Hindi."

"Okay great. I'll take it from here. Can you email me her file too? Thank Caroline." Ros hangs up and calls Travis.

"Travis did you know Ana spoke Hindi? I'm going to need for the Rahman meeting this week."

"It slipped my mind actually, she doesn't look Indian so I didn't realize to even have her part of this process."

Fuck. I have no idea how this will go. I stayed quiet on purpose; I didn't want to put her in this position, given how she's already doesn't want to see my face. Fuck me, how will this go?

Ros hangs up with Travis and calls Ana's extension.

"Ana!"

"Ros?"

"What are your lunch plans?"

"Um, I was going to work through lunch. Everything okay?"

"I need our input on something GEH related. Working lunch in my office? I'll get sushi. Meet me at 12:30. What do you want to eat?"

"Okay sure. Um... spicy tuna and the fried oyster roll we had a few weeks ago? I also have Gwen's cookies too, by the way. Please don't eat any from the box this time before they get to her."

"I need to block your number from her phone." Ros laughs and Ana giggles. It takes everything in me to not smile as well.

Ros is hell bent on setting up a decent net over the Middle East and Asia, she's got her sights set on modest company based in Delhi, India by the name of Rahman Industries. Their main bread and butter is their investment in the private telecommunication industry while the remainder of their portfolio is divided across textile and hospitality sector in India. Ros wants us in the South Asian market to better position ourselves for Middle East and China to take us seriously. She's been with me for the past 10 years and I owe her this for all the shit I've put her through. She's has never let me down.

We've had two negotiation meetings with the CEO, Mrs. Rahman's son, Akash and their lawyers and we can't seem to agree on a price or terms of the acquisition. Mrs. Rahman, the owner, has yet to make an appearance and apparently doesn't speak English. I have a feeling Akash isn't giving her the full picture of what we're offering in hopes of extracting more money from us. It's fucking frustrating.

I get a buzz from Ros to come into her office for lunch. As I open the doors and walk out of my own, I catch a glimpse of Ana walking out of the elevator looking into her phone and holding a box of cookies, as she turns towards the hallway and walks towards Ros' office. I follow her as quietly as I can. Fuck, she's gives a whole new meaning to 'hate to see you go but love to watch you walk away.' I'm like a horny fucking teenager right now. It's been 38 days since I had sex. Fuck, it feels like it's been 10 years. I'm so pathetic right now.

"Hey Ros... god, I could eat a horse today, I'm starving." Ana giggles as she enters. I stay by the threshold for a bit, out of sight.

"You didn't have breakfast?"

"I had half a yogurt when I came in this morning... I woke up insanely, so yeah. You're saving my life right now." Ana laughs and the admission pisses me off a little. She needs to eat properly.

"Trouble sleeping?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"You know what helps with that?" Ros laughs.

"Shut up, Bailey. I know exactly what you're gonna say because Jose and Val have been driving me nuts with the same. You guys are hell bent on driving me mad with the blind date shit." She giggles feigning annoyance and I take that as my cue to walk in.

"Ladies." I say coolly.

"Hey Christian."

Ana's demeanor changes and she looks to Ros, and I can sense her uneasiness. Fuck me, she looks to die for.

I offer my hand. "Miss Steele, thank you for joining us." She looks at me impassively gives me her strong unaffected handshake and quickly pulls her hand away and continues to help Ros setup the food around the small conference table in her office.

She walks around the table as her heels echo. She is breath taking and looks so incredibly different, grown up and dare I say a little hardened. I quickly take a seat in order to hide the growing bulge in my pants.

We take our seats and she sits across from me but barely looks at me. Her focus remains on Ros.

"So how can I help?" Ana asks. She's completely expressionless as we work to make our plates from the selection of sushi and sashimi in front of us.

"Well, we're trying to acquire a company in India called Rahman Industries and we're having trouble getting through to them. It's a language and cultural barrier and HR told us you speak the language so we need your help." Ros tells her.

"I see." she says simply. "Do you have a file on them?"

"Yes, hold on, it's on my desk." Ros gets up and Ana gives me the death stare for this ambush but she never said anything about this in the session so it's my loophole to spend time with her. I smirk at her and she rolls her eyes, shaking her head. She could very easily murder me right now.

Ros comes back and hands Ana the folder. She stops eating and goes through it but soon looks annoyed at what she sees. "Is this all the info you have on them?" She asks.

"Yes. It tells us exactly what we need to know. Anything else is just noise."

"How have the negotiations been going?"

"Not that good, they want more money and we also suspect that the son isn't giving the mother, who we have yet to meet and has final sign off on anything related to the company, the full picture of what we're offering, so it's been a struggle." Ros tells her.

"How much are you offering them?"

"I don't think you need to concern yourself with that number right now."

"I thought you wanted my help." Ana looks even more annoyed.

"Yes but not with how much to offer them, just to get through to them and explain our side of things by speaking the language."

"Ros, may I speak freely?" She asks.

"Sure, go ahead."

"Unless I have all the facts I cannot even begin to help you with this. There are so many layers to this entire situation that it would make your head spin. I don't operate well in the dark, you want me to help you to the best of my ability then I need all the facts because what you all are operating off of from what I can see in this folder is abysmal. I don't know who put it together but it tells you nothing at all. It's just cold hard facts, Rahman Industries is much more that. You're not acquiring a product, you're acquiring a living, breathing organism that someone essentially gave birth to and put decades of hard work into." She tosses the folder to the side.

"The late Mr. Rahman and his wife built this company from the ground up. Mrs. Rahman comes from Indian occupied Kashmir where all the men in her family were murdered or thrown in jail for activism by the Indian armed forces. She moved to Delhi at the age of 16 and started a small business using all the textile knowledge she inherited from her family. She sold the jewelry that was passed down to her and meant for her wedding and paid for her own education. She met Mr. Rahman along the way who grew up in the slums and somehow made it out of there and ended up going to school followed by college on scholarships to become an engineer. They met, fell in love got married and started Rahman Industries and built that place into what it is brick by brick and became the industry standard of employee care and fair labor practices in India.

Money isn't everything to Mrs. Rahman, she'd sell to you for peanuts as long as it meant that her legacy and workers were to be taken care of. That is her bottom line. They've been in the market to sell for the past 5 years and it's been unsuccessful because no one has convinced Mrs. Rahman that they're worthy of carrying on her legacy, this includes not letting her youngest son lead them into the new decade as well. So yes Ros, what you want to offer them does concern me especially when you want me to help out."

I look to Ros and her jaw is slightly open as is mine.

Ros quickly recovers "we're offering them 325 but they want 350"

"I see." Ana says, giving nothing away.

"Okay two questions: How do you know so much about them and I was reading your file, you've worked with AHAK since your were in your teens, how did you land that because I tried for two years and they would never respond?" Ros asks.

"Well, my adoptive mother's is Kashmiri but her family settled in Delhi after the partition and her sister is married to Rish Kapadia of Kapadia Global Industries and my grandfather's company is AHAK International based in San Francisco. All these families know each other and as I result I know all the histories and the ins and outs of that world."

"Wait, you're Abdul Karim's granddaughter? You're part of the AHAK family?" Ros looks at me completely surprised. "Christian, she's part of the AHAK and KGI family!" She looks back at Ana who is a little stunned by Ros' behavior. "I suddenly have so many more questions, which I will get to but first, I'm so sorry for your loss. Why are you here, shouldn't you be with family?" Ros says with concern, finally calming down a bit.

Ana swallows and gives a small smile; I can tell she's really uncomfortable now. "My entire family is in India right now and it's okay. They'll be back soon and I'll spend time with them then."

Ros smiles back and nods. "If you don't mind me asking, I believe KGI made a go at Rahman Industries 2 years ago. Correct? Any idea what they offered them and why it never panned out?"

"Philosophical differences and I'm afraid I can't volunteer any concrete details of that deal. I was told that information in confidence. I hope you can understand that." Ana says.

"I understand. I appreciate you taking the time to explain all this to us. We'd love for you to join us in the next negotiation meeting, I think you will be a tremendous help. It's on Wednesday at 10am."

"I'll be there... Can I ask you something Ros?"

"Sure thing Ana."

"Are you using the Rahman's to get your feet wet in the market to significantly expand your holdings in India?"

"Ideally yes, that would the 5 year goal for GEH to have a significant presence in that region."

"Don't. India is extremely volatile with over 470 dialects and a shit ton of minority uprisings, they are still dealing with the effects of residual colonialism and an ineffective, morally corrupt and nationalistic governments every 5 years... not to mention the constant threat of nuclear war with Pakistan. Even if you reach the level to take on someone like, say, the Ambani's it will be brutal and strain your holdings across the board. Having a decent sized presence in India should suffice and show your seriousness in that part of the world. It's better to be in the conversation than completely dismissed because you bit off more than you could chew. That entire region is ruthless and no non south asian legacy continues on intact. It's a geo-political mess. Look to other countries in the region, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, Pakistan even, the Chinese have invested heavily into Pakistan and now the Russians are looking to do so too. India is in a word... messy but that's what happens when you have so much going on. Spread the wealth, don't concentrate it all in India."

Ros looks visibly shocked. "Thanks Ana, I will definitely take that under consideration."

"In addition, regardless of the meeting's outcome tomorrow, invite Mrs. Rahman and her family over for dinner, not to wine and dine, Mrs. Rahman is a devout Muslim, she doesn't drink and follows the halal rules for food, her children aren't as religious so as long as you strike a good balance between the two you'll be good. You can choose amongst yourselves who will host her. She has three children, two of whom are based in Seattle with their families, a son who is a neuroscientist and a daughter who is professor of mathematics at University of Washington. This gesture will mean a lot to her. She's not enamored by all of this" Ana waves her hand dismissively "She is looking to give her baby away to another loving family. If you can show her that, it will be smooth sailing all throughout the acquisition procedure. These little gestures mean a lot in the south Asian culture, it will also show her the kind of values you were raised with. Even if you don't end up acquiring her company, this gesture will still speak volumes and she'll put a good word out in the community there should you decide to make another move in that market."

Ros nods and I just stare at her in wonder and quietly nod. "Thanks for all this information Ana, we really appreciate it." She gives a small smile and nods.

We quietly eat for a bit.

"You mind if I make a quick phone call, a few of the assets listed in their file caught my attention and I want to double check something with a contact of mine?"

"Yeah sure, go ahead."

She gets up to make a phone call and walks away from us to the window overlooking the skyline. I hear her speak in Hindi and she looks incredibly serious. Ros is saying something but I can't be bothered, I can't stop looking at Ana when I feel Ros poke me with a chopstick.

"What the fuck Ros." I whisper.

"You son of bitch. You like her don't you? I just caught you staring her ass." She whispers back.

"Fuck off Ros. You're delusional." Fuck me. She will never let me live this down.

"This gives me so many ideas. I am going to have so much fun with this." Ros gives me a sly smile.

Ana starts to make her way back to us. "Thank you for waiting. I have a hunch about some of their south indian investments and I'm just waiting to hear back on the latest on that. I'll email you all and let you know as soon as I do."

"Sounds good. So, I have a few questions if you don't mind?" Ros asks innocently.

"Sure, ask away."

"If you're related to the AHAK family, you essentially come from money so why work for GEH. Are you a spy?" Ros cackles and Ana cocks her head to one side, smiling.

"Well Rosalyn Anne Bailey, if I was a spy, either the almighty GEH is lacking in security or I'm just that fucking good at what I do given how I landed myself in legal and made friends with you all." She says smugly, shrugging one shoulder suggestively and I can't help but chuckle. Ros immediately looks at me and lets out another cackle. Fuck me, I just gave her more rope to hang me with. Ana continues to giggle and soon we're all laughing.

"In all seriousness, I don't come from money. My adoptive mother and I use the term adoptive loosely since I'm not legally adopted by her, married my father who's from Montesano where I grew up, a real small town life but her extended family embraced me and took me in after my dad died and well, I could have definitely worked with the family company but I didn't... I mean I've definitely worked for AHAK before and did a little freelance stuff for them in college and I've learned a lot but it's complicated and I wanted to create my own identity away from them. I don't want to be only known for my association with them. I think you guys are maybe the 7th or 8th people who know that I'm part of the family outside of the South Asian community. I just ask that you not mention this to anyone... "

"Wow, that's... you really keep that shit under wraps. Sounds like someone else I know" Ros looks at me.

"Ros, everyone has the right to keep their private life private." I grumble.

"Yeah, I don't want to give people the wrong idea. I just visit that world from time to time, I don't live in it. My real life is very different, always has been." She shrugs with a tight smile.

"...but I gotta ask... AHAK is worth 9 billion right now... surely you're set to inherit something through your mother, no?" God, Ros can be so fucking obtuse. I give her a look but she is completely unaware.

"Ros!" I chide

"God... sorry, Ana, I didn't mean it that way. Sorry my social skills can be a little too aggressive sometimes."

I can see Ana slightly taken aback but she quickly recovers. "No, please it's okay. I've actually have never really talked about this stuff out loud with anyone else besides a cousin or two of mine so I just needed second." She giggles.

"AHAK also owns 40% of KGI and KGI themselves are worth 13 billion but their assets are mostly in India, Middle East and South East Asia with a just a few in Europe and the US. But to answer your question, no, I'm not allowed to. South Asian families are really big on bloodline and legacies and since I'm not part of the bloodline, I am not entitled to anything. Honestly, I'm okay with that. Mo money, mo problems and I've got enough drama in my life." She laughs but it's tinged with sadness.

I'm suddenly so intrigued. Nita is set to inherit close to 9.5 billion in assets at least now that her father has passed. And Ana gets nothing? That's fucking ridiculous.

"That's fucked up but I hear you. I guess I just don't understand the conditional love approach here. If they've embraced you then you should be a part of the inheritance."

"I know what you mean but it's futile for me to think about. I've got a life to live, I just focus on that." She smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes.

"Does AHAK provide you with security?" I ask. She looks up to me and is puzzled by the question.

"Um, no. I don't need it. I'm not in any danger."

"Your mother is essentially a billionaire, that puts you all at risk."

She snorts. "Well, AHAK keeps a fairly low profile and are not known for ruffling feathers unlike some people in this building." She says with sass and giggles. She's so fucking adorable and Ros and I chuckle. "So I highly doubt it plus I live here, no one knows that I'm part of the family. I'm good! But thank you for the concern, it's definitely a valid question."

I don't care what she says, she's getting proper security now. I am not risking it. Covert CPO be fucking damned. I'm putting Sawyer back on active CPO duty with her.

"What kind of work did you do at AHAK?" I ask.

"Well, starting in my teens I did a lot of proof reading of official documents and got a basic understanding of the legalities and what to look for during a real estate acquisition and then for year before I started college, I'd spend a couple of weeks here and there in New York with my cousin. I worked on projections to see what were the next upcoming neighborhoods for them to invest in for private development." She finishes with a small smile.

"Why didn't you major in business then?" Ros continues.

"Wasn't interested in it. I had thought for a bit to major in Architecture because I loved urban design but that didn't work out for me financially and since I like reading and analyzing stuff, I decided English literature would be best." She laughs and shrugs.

Ros smiles as she nods. "You know, your grandfather once gave a seminar during our sophomore year at Harvard. It was incredible. His presentation really stuck with me because he talked about the dire need for women in business. That business lacked heart and compassion and how we needed more of that. I've been a little obsessed with him since then."

Ana suddenly takes a sharp intake of breath. "Umm... when was this seminar because he's only given two at Harvard."

"Really? Uhhh it was 10 years ago I think? Right Christian. You were with me too, it was like an extra credit thing for one of our classes... Christian do you remember?"

I suddenly feel the alarm bells go off and my skin goes numb. Ana looks at me wide-eyed and then quickly back to Ros.

"Was it for Dr. Chatterjee's class? 10 years or so ago, it was during President's week."

"Wait. How do you know that?" Ros loses her shit.

Ana suddenly hides her face and when she removes her hands she's beet red and biting her lip. _Stop biting that lip baby before I launch myself at you._

"Whenever I had a couple of days off from school, my mom would take me to SF and at the time I was on this new 'I want to go to harvard' streak, my grandmother suggested that we make it a family trip since my grandfather was going anyway for the seminar. So not only did I get a special tour with the President of the school but then later on I actually sat in on that presentation."

"I'm trying to remember now, because Christian and I stayed back to ask him questions as people left, we were like the few last people and I remember him telling us that his family was here. Were you sitting in the front row with a Harvard cap...because he pointed towards a kid sitting in the front row reading while he was answering and talking to a group of us."

Ana gives a small smile and nods. "Yep, that was me. I had gotten a tour earlier that day and was convinced that I was going to Harvard and bought a shit ton of stuff from the bookstore. I was basically a walking mascot." She giggles.

I suddenly realize that I remember her. I don't remember her face but I remember seeing a girl sitting reading a book that had a turquoise color cover and illustration of a cake on it. Fuck... she was there. Ana was there. She was in my life. She was there.

"Holy shit, Steele! I have goose bumps right now. I mean, look where we were 10 years ago. Isn't that incredible Christian?"

I quietly nod and Ros grimaces at my lack of enthusiasm.

"His speech was very inspiring, in fact that day when you spoke to me about the saying your grandmother had it sounded very familiar and it now just made sense to me because your grandfather talked about a similar idea but I couldn't place it until now. It was definitely an inspiration for me when starting GEH, though I suppose you think I've lost my way." I ask her.

"Mr. Grey, as I said earlier, we see things differently. The very same idea was interpreted differently. There are no right or wrong answers, just whatever works for you personally. As long as you're content with your choices and your actions, I suppose that's all that matters. My grandfather built his business over personal relationships and that was mostly because of my grandmother, it was important to her. If he was the brains, she was the brains and heart and they were the perfect balance to each other.

After the Harvard Seminar we went to New York they had over this couple at their apartment that had been in the market to sell their small but lucrative portfolio of buildings along Broadway and Central Park. The buildings had been passed down from their great-grandparents but they only had one child who was sick and it was just too much for them to handle.

They closed that deal over the kitchen table while my grandmother made us all breakfast and I talked to them about my book report. My grandfather promised to honor their child's memory and family legacy. He named one of the high rises they built by Central Park, Elijah House as a gift for their trust." She gives a slight shrug and I see her eyes are slightly red. "Sometimes people just want to see themselves in you because then they know that what they created will continue to thrive in the right hands. It's all about connection."

She holds my gaze and quickly turns to Ros and gives her a small smile. There it is again, the wind is knocked out of me.

"See, that's what I mean. Like, how do you guys just do that, how do you even think about something like that? It's hard to find interviews of Abdul Karim, he barely spoke at conferences or gave interviews. I wanted so badly to intern at AHAK but there were never any openings. He's harder to get to than this guy right here. I just wanted to learn from him but you're the next best thing now" Ros laughs.

Ana giggles. "I don't know about that. Nothing can replace the source." She shrugs. "He just liked keeping a low profile and living a simple life. A lot of AHAK is operated by family and it's a very tight knit operation and he was at the helm of it all. It was important for him to always be home by 6pm, if he wasn't travelling, to have evening tea with his wife. I mean they were a real team. They had a 12 year difference but really relied on her for support. He ran every single business decision by her. AHAK could've gone the distance but after a while he took a step back because of his health, then he wanted to enjoy life and watch their grandkids grow up and travel in peace."

"That makes sense. I'd love to meet you grandmother and talk to her. Does she visit Seattle?"

"No since I moved here, I've been trying to get her to visit and when I do, I'll let you know and we can have dinner together and you can ask her anything. She's an open book though she gives a lot of philosophical advice so you'll have to brace yourself." Ana giggles and Ros smiles.

"What's the best advice your Abdul Karim gave you?" Ros asks.

"Abdul Karim was a bit of an odd bird." She laughs "I kind of had a complicated relationship with him and it was mostly because I wasn't really related by blood but in all my time he's only given me advice once, everything else that I learned from him was because I was always listening to what he was saying whenever he spoke and watching how he treated people. When he gave advice to my cousins I listened and absorbed it and I try to live by it. The advice he gave me specifically came the day before I left for WSU. I was having a really difficult day and I was in my room crying and moping, looking at pictures of my dad cause I missed him and he passed by my room and walked in and sat with me. Again, he'd never done that and he just said this one thing to me." She takes a breath and places her elbows on the table and leans into her clasped hands. "I'm trying to figure the English translation really quickly my head, sorry!" she giggles but it's with profound sadness and my heart aches for her.

"He said something to the effect of 'you have a lot of heart which is your best and worst quality. Worst because you will be met with a lot of crushing disappoint and best because in the long run you will be at peace while the rest of your peers will still be searching. The disappointment will teach you patience and strengthen your foresight, so always look at the bigger picture, always play for the long game." Her eyes water but she quickly recovers and gives Ros a bright smile.

"That's solid advice." Ros smiles and Ana looks down "Yeah, it is." Her voice wavers and I can she's trying to hold back tears.

"I'm sorry for your loss Miss Steele." I say in a low voice.

"Thank you Mr. Grey. I appreciate that." She looks me in the eye and I try to communicate to her that I'm here for her if she needs me.

"So are you Muslim then?" God, Ros really has no fucking filter.

She takes a sip of her water and then proceeds to answer. "Yes. I never had any formal religious training when I was younger but when my mother's family took me in, it was the most natural thing in the world to subscribe to all the teachings."

"Interesting... so I know in south asian traditions some women have arranged marriages, does that still happen? Is that something that you have to consider?"

Ana laughs out loud. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh but it's just a little funny...no I don't. My grandparents had an arranged marriage but that's because that's what happened back then. My grandfather was part of the dwindling Kashmiri Royal family and he was married to my grandmother who was from a prominent family and well... yeah I mean, most marriages were strategic partnerships like the European royal families did. Regular people did the same, your parents were to make the decision to the best of their ability. Nowadays the arranged marriage route is mostly "semi-arranged" for the slightly conservative families... your parents show you a prospect, you choose to even meet the guy and if you think he's worthy, you guys date for a bit and if there's a spark, great, you get married and if there's not... on to next one."

"I find this so fascinating. It feels like a fishbowl experience..." Ros looks at Ana wide-eyed.

"Yeah, it definitely is but I understand the wisdom in it. It's definitely a conversation that requires a lot more time for me to explain." She smiles back at Ros

"So you're allowed to date non-south Asian guys right?"

Ana laughs again. "Yes Ros I am. Again, I'm not held by the same traditions, they've never been forced on me, I adopted them in my life on my own. There are no expectations of me in that way. I mean, my cousin is Indian and she married a white guy."

"Okay but seriously, I know you're single and I know a guy. I think you guys would be perfect." Ros looks at Ana pleadingly almost and Ana rolls her eyes.

"Ros, I hold the key to your sanity in the cookies and as Kim K said... 'let me live'".

"Cut the shit Steele, I'm bored and I need a project."

Ana gives her a look and rolls her eyes. "You're about to have child Rosalyn. That's your new project." and gets up to gather the food and put everything away. I let out a laugh.

"Fuck off Christian. Do you have anymore questions for Ana?" Ros looks at me innocently and I swear I want to throw her from the roof.

"Not really, I've found this entire conversation really informative and intriguing. Thank you for sharing information about your adopted family and culture Miss Steele. It's been an education." I offer a smile.

Ana nods but doesn't smile. "Sure, any time."

"Ana, do you have any questions for us?" Ros asks.

"Um... not really, just another suggestion for Wednesday. When you meet Mrs. Rahman, greet her by saying Asalaam-o-alaikum. She'll appreciate that." Ana smiles her genuine smile at Ros. _Smile at me Ana, please._

"Thank you, Miss Steele. See you at the meeting on Wednesday." I offer my hand again, craving the contact and she takes it but quickly pulls away again and walks out.

Ros looks at me and smiles her smug ass bitchy smile.

"I know I'm married but I think I'm in love with her." Ros chuckles.

I smirk. "She put you in your place for a second there Ros."

"And I love how she completely ignores you. She's the first straight woman to be so... unaffected by you but you know what, she's fucking perfect for you."

"What makes you think you know what's perfect for me?"

"Trust me, I know my shit Christian and I am going to get you two together" She laughs.

"Ros. Drop it. I do not date employees."

"Yeah but you sure love to check out her ass. I saw you drink her up. You're a goner. She's hot, Christian. TAP DAT you know you want to." She wiggles her eyebrows and it's like I'm talking to Elliot right now.

...

CG: Ana, I'm sorry about the lunch ambush, Ros told me last minute.

AS: It's okay. It was a work lunch though her Spanish inquisition was a little unexpected.

CG: You did great under pressure.

AS: Only because I like her.

CG: I know you asked for space, but I do have a question and I just need 2 minutes of your time. Tell Travis I called you up about the Rahman meeting tomorrow and meet me in my office for a few minutes? It's just to talk. It's about something you said in our lunch meeting. Andrea will let you through.

She doesn't reply for five minutes and it feels like an eternity.

AS: Okay. I will be up in a few minutes.

I tell Andrea that I have a meeting with Ana and to let her walk through and to not interrupt us. I register her surprise but ignore it.

**APOV**

What on earth could he want to talk to me about? My mind is racing. I still have goose bumps from the Harvard Seminar connection. Did he see me? I never saw him, I didn't give two shits about the people there in the room, I just listened to the presentation and then got back to my book. I was dying to know what happened to Rose and where her brother went off to.

I walk to Mr. Travis' office to let him know I'll be gone for 10 minutes.

"Mr. Travis, Mr. Grey has called me up to discuss something about the Rahman meeting this week. I'll be right back."

"Sure, I trust the working lunch with Ros went well?"

"Yes it did sir. I was able to give them some insight into the culture and some personal background on Rahman Industries since I know the family history."

"Ana, that's incredible. Happy you're on the team. Let's get this done tomorrow because I'm ready for the next project."

"I'll do my best Mr. Travis." I smile at him and walk out.

It's only a two floor elevator ride but it feels heavy. I exit and walk up to Olivia and Andrea, teeth chattering with nerves.

"Hi Ladies, Mr. Grey asked me to meet with him."

"Sure Ana go ahead and good luck!" Andrea gives me a smile. She probably thinks I'm heading to my death.

"How's his mood? Don't think I can handle being yelled at." I laugh.

"Honestly Ana, you never know with him but I think he's okay... fingers crossed." Andrea smiles at me.

I knock and open the door and see him standing looking out the window while talking on the phone. He turns towards me and walks over. He's dressed to kill as always; a sharp charcoal grey suit with a crisp white shirt and a dark grey tie. Sitting in front of him in Ros' office I was a wet mess. I want to run my hands through his unruly hair. I feel so fucking nervous. I don't know why. I hear the door close and click in place behind me.

He's still on the phone but looking at me, I turn my gaze away, his eyes are too intense for me sometimes. I look to my right across the room and look to his desk as I play with my hands and fingers. He ends the call and puts the phone in his pocket. He's so close that it's driving me nuts. _Why must this body betray me?_

He strokes my cheek and my temperature immediately rises. "Are you okay? I'm sorry for the third degree with Ros, she needs to learn how to have a fucking filter."

I nod, looking down trying to stop the tears. I'm not sad. I'm conflicted. I'm in mourning I think. I don't know. "It's okay, I know it was coming from a good place. She was just curious." I say, and I mean it. Ros cares for me as a friend. I truly know that.

"I remember this girl from the Harvard seminar. I never saw her face but I remember briefly seeing a girl sitting on the floor, indian style with her hair open and she was wearing a black coat and a Harvard hat, I never got to see her face. The book she was reading and it had a turquoise cover, do you remember what it was?"

Oh god. He remembers. He remembers me. Well, sort of, he never saw my face... we have a starting point. This feels like fate, we _are_ meant to be. I look down and nod as the tears start to fall.

He leans in and kisses my forehead and then holds my face in his hands and raises it to meet his. I look up at him with eyes full of tears and a heavy voice. "It was turquoise with an illustration of a slice of birthday cake. The book was called The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake."

"I've been so blind to you all this time. You were there at the beginning and I didn't see you." I see the emotion in his face. _Please don't look at me like that. Please_

"But I didn't see you either. I never looked up." I can barely speak, my voice is thick and strained.

"And I never looked long enough to find you."

I close my eyes and look down again. He wipes my tears and kisses my forehead; both my eyes and cheeks and then a soft chaste kiss on my lips. "I love you Ana."

"I love you, Christian. I wish we could've saved each other back then." He pulls me in for a hug and I do my best to not let the damn break but I fail.

"Don't cry baby. We're here for each other now. Don't cry." He kisses my hair and soothes me. We stand in each other's embrace for what seems like an eternity.

"Baby, I know you agreed to a covert CPO but this isn't up for debate. You need proper security. Please. I am not going to take any chances. As soon as your grandfather's will is read and a statement is released, news will spread in the business community and you don't know what threats are out there against AHAK and KGI. Nita's life is about to change as well."

"But I'm a nobody Christian. Literally only Daniel's family, your family, Ros and Kate's family knows my connection to AHAK. No one here at GEH knows anything."

"Anyone motivated can figure out the connection if they look hard enough. Ana, this is not up for further discussion. Sawyer is going to take you home and bring you to work from now on."

He's right. I rationally know this but I fucking hate this infringement on my independence. I didn't ask for any of this. Why can't this be simple? I look up at him, his beautiful face. I've missed it.

"Okay fine." I acquiesce. He gives me a genuine smile and leans in to kiss me but I stop him. "You'll get my lipstick all over your lips" I say as I use my thumb to remove traces of red from the earlier kiss.

"As much as I love that color on you. I think I'm going to have to ban you from wearing it to work. It's an occupational hazard for me." He smirks and I can't help but giggle like schoolgirl.

"You look so beautiful today." He kisses the corner of my mouth.

"You don't have to say that Christian...I..." I trail off unable to complete the sentence because I'm too overcome with emotion again. _I'm a fucking mess of a person. Why do you continue to be so nice to me?_

"You're exquisite to me in every way, Ana. You know I'm here for you baby, right?"

I nod. "I do and I'll be fine. I should go back before I get fired." I chuckle and make my way to turn but he holds me in place and looks into my eyes, searching for I don't know what. He kisses my forehead but lingers for a second before letting me go. I inhale his scent and soak in his warmth that I miss every night.

_I miss him so much._

* * *

**Authors Note: **Hopefully you all hate me a little less? I know some reviews have been asking for a time jump because it's too many sad ass vibes but being human is complicated so you might wait till i've posted te next 3 chapters to read again cause major drama for your mama about to happen y'all. Till then, who's Team Ros?

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out the chapter 25 board :)

**Music:**

Nothing's Wrong - HAIM


	26. Chapter 26 Authors Note: March 22, 2020

**Authors Note - March, 22, 2020.**

Hi Fanfic Familia.

How we feeling? I hope you all are having a productive weekend inspite of the craziness out in the world. In addition to writing out this story, I've also started spring cleaning and it's not sparking any joy given how much shit I've been hoarding. Your girl has a problem.

Thank you for your responses to the last chapter. Still a lot of Ana's past with her family to be unfolded and it will be, as said before, a slow and frustrating burn.

Two reviews in particular made me want to write this authors note, i've tagged them at the end of the note. I felt it was necessary because I can keep chalking it up to "it's just how the culture is" but truth is if you've never met anyone from the south Asian culture or have absolutely no point of reference to it... everything Ana is doing can feel extremely frustrating. That being said, even understanding the culture and all it's intricacies still doesn't make some of Ana's behavior towards Christian, right. It just shows us how human she is.

I've read and am still reading a lot of fanfics and majority of them talk about Christian's complexities. They only deal with his trauma and in a lot of cases, we applaud Ana for being incredibly supportive, almost expecting her to just roll with the punches of his mercurial personality and be completely accepting of his past. That's great, that wraps it all up in a nice bow. I'm just flipping it and adding a little more to it.

The South Asian culture comes from the sub-continent, comprised of mainly Pakistan, India, Kashmir and Bangladesh but we can also add Nepal and Sri Lanka in there I think. Basically if you consider yourself 'brown' and from that area of the world, chances are you subscribe to south Asian traditions.

A lot of the culture in India, Kashmir and Pakistan (which are the main identities in this story) is oppressively patriarchal. Women are accessories. Women are known for their associations to their family; xyz's daughter, xyz's wife, sister, granddaughter etc – your association to a male counterpart is your absolute identity. In India especially, at one point in history, if a hindu man died, his wife would be set on fire as well. In some instances, a widow is considered untouchable after the death of her husband and her diet is restricted to make sure she is not allowed to eat certain foods that can arouse her libido. In Pakistan, in smaller towns where there is no education and exposure and men are incharge and hold 'community trials and follow their own version of the judicial system' women are killed in the name of honor or gang raped for the smallest of infractions.

All talk of sex and trauma is swept under the rug to protect the family's honor and should you make the mistake to tell someone who doesn't end up believing you then it's game over. You can be disowned, thrown out of the house or worse, forced to marry your rapist. You can also be held accountable for your trauma because 'you were asking for it.'

Sex is a taboo subject. Older women do not give proper sex ed talks to their daughters. They are just told to 'submit' to their husband's wishes.

I know, this sounds incredibly medieval but it is still very much a reality in big industrial and seemingly educated families.

Enter Ana. Daughter of an ex-army/carpenter/high school teacher. He marries Nita who comes from a shit ton of money. She's lost her father, she has no one but Nita and her family and now she's indebted to her adopted family for everything they've done for her.

Ana is a walking conundrum. She is frustrating behind the scenes. Her dedication to preserving the family dynamic is... it fucking hurts to write but my version of Ana is the amalgamation of so many women who have suffered different forms of abuse from toxic men in my family, myself included. South Asian women are experts at compartmentalizing. We could earn PhD's in the field. We will dress up, put on a smile and be on our best behaviors all to preserve the peace and not create a scene. Why? Because we've accepted our lives are not just our own but connected to others. Family above everything at the expense of our own sanity. Is it right? No. But it's the reality and it's the reality of so many women in not just the south Asian culture but the arab culture also.

Again, this is a cultural issue NOT a religious issue. Unfortunately, in the South Asian culture due to the influence of men, religion will be used to enforce cultural norms. It is wrong but it's a thought process that will take years of education, exposure and patience to unlearn.

The only difference between Ana and the women in my family is that she was able to get out. She was able to go to Portland and find a friend in Kate but she was still anchored to the family for fear of not belonging. She wasn't strong enough to completely cut ties. There is still so much that will be revealed in the future chapters. Still through a series of small, minor rebellions she was at least able to find a semblance of how she was before the accident. I won't even get into the financial situation right now.

If you haven't noticed already, Ana clings to the idea of being a good girl. That if she is a good girl and doesn't ruffle feathers and proves she is worthy that she will be spared and she will be safe. That is her M.O. That is the thought process of many south Asian women. That as long as I'm good, I'll be safe and I'll get my reward in the end. Is it right? Does it make sense? Maybe, maybe not. But her intentions otherwise are not malicious. She genuinely cares about the people around her and is an empath as we've seen... She does it as a means to distract herself from her own issues and deflect. That is where she is wrong. She does all this to her own detriment and all she has done is suppress her own issues.

In regards to Christian, aside from his childhood trauma and his inappropriate relationship with Elena, which he has slowly realized was wrong, he has created a life and world for himself where is a king. People grovel at his feet and whatever he says... goes. Except, Ana. She has made him question himself.

Similarly, Ana's current situation with Christian is really forcing her to face the fact that she hasn't really healed at all and that is fucking confusing and lonely.

Fear and love are powerful and toxic motivators. A long island iced tea full of clusterfucks. And as we can see, Ana has lived in fear for the past 7 years. Fear of not being able to control her own body and then emotional fear due to what Vishaal did and how the entire family paid her medical bills.

So yeah, in this story, layer by layer, we will see Ana analyze EVERYTHING about her relationship with her family and life in general. Everything so far has just been the tip of the ice-berg. And Christian will be a tremendous help. They will talk to each other and she will slowly open up. Will it still be frustrating, yes and they both will fight and hurt each other but as I have promised so many times before, there will be a happy ending.

**LeLev: **Thank you so much for your review and for sticking with this story. I love it when people leave comprehensive reviews and share their thoughts. I wanted to clear up a few things you mentioned.

Ana needs therapy. No one is going to deny that. She need a lot of it and she needs to also... let go. She is always trying to control herself and things around her. She's exhausted and... yeah... all her usual coping mechanisms are failing because this is a completely new world for her. Same for Christian.

Yes Ana is bashing Christian, in some cases it's warranted and in some it is not. If you remember in the previous chapters she mentioned that she knew that their paths would cross and that she would be civil and respectful but that couldn't hang out with him alone. Yet we've seen him time and time again find excuses to see her and spend some time with her. Yes that has a lot to do with the idea of rejection but it doesn't make it right same as Ana holding the BDSM thing against him isn't right but this is the situation we are in.

Ana's actions didn't tell Christian's family her reaction was a catalyst to them finding out. Again, Christian chose to tell them. They heard Christian's truth from him. The only downside was that it took Ana's reaction for that to happen. Ana is still equating her rape to Christian's lifestyle but at least she met with the Domme and has gotten little bit of an understanding. The main thing here is that she was assaulted by someone who she loved and thought was her brother and he turned out to be someone completely different. With Christian, because of her lack of understanding of what she saw in the playroom, her brain sees this as a repeat of how she loved someone and they turned out to be something completely different. It's a matter of rational thought versus emotional though born out of fear.

In regards to the family, yes she threatened him. Was it right? We'll find out the reasons for why she said all that in future chapters, namely in the chapter that will talk about February 12th, 2020.

In regards to the working lunch with Ros. During therapy Ana asked him to stay away. Now, Christian had enough time to warn Ana that he would be at the lunch but he chose not to. Also, Christian did not tell Ros about Ana's family nor does she hold him accountable. That glare was more for like... 'are you for real?'. Ros did not know about Ana's connection to her family, the familial connection was something Ana revealed voluntarily when Ros asked Ana how she landed a job with AHAK. Earlier in the day, we see Christian's inner dialogue say that he deliberately didn't give Ana's name in when Ros called HR to get someone who could speak Hindi.

Similarly, the night before NYE, Ana told Christian how she regretted listing AHAK as a job reference on her resume when she was desperate to get a job and that MAYBE the background check would've brought that to light but there was still doubt that anyone knew of her association with the family.

So yes, Ros didn't realize Ana's connection to AHAK until she revealed it herself that Abdul Karim was her grandfather and then we find out her family's net worth. Which begs the question... how do you go against two families with more money than god? How can Ana with no financial resources accuse the son of a billionaire of rape? She has no proof. Again, I'm just trying to highlight how complex everything else is. Again, the chapter with February 12th, 2020 day will explain all of this.

What would Christian have done in a similar situation if he had been accused of something like that? Even if it was not true, you best believe Christian would bury everyone associated in the ground... figuratively of course.

As far as his social status is concerned, from the beginning Ana has wanted to keep this private and control the narrative. She is extremely private which is why she hasn't told her friends at work about her trauma either. She knows she'll have to make them sign an NDA. This was mentioned in NYE chapter. We know how the press is, as soon as they find out that Ana is a legal assistant who sleeps with the boss... well, put two and two together. They will dig into her past and she doesn't want that because people will look at her with pity.

Also, her grandfather was an extremely private man, she's also thinking about the consequences of that. Again, it's complicated.

Ana does love Christian, she's just scared. She's acting out and it's not right. She's alone in this but she is trying to inch her way back the best she can.

**Luvdisney2007**: HAHAHA, I know, I'm so gross but I'm glad it made you laugh. I hope what I wrote above answers some questions.

Again, this wasn't to make everything seem alright, but just to highlight the incredible complexities of us as human beings and the relationships we have. It's almost as if, Ana is taking out all her frustration and anger she has against her family... out on Christian because...he's not family. It's not right but it's how she's reacting.

Does this make any sense? It's not meant to make you like Ana anymore or less. It's just to give a sense of understanding of where she's coming from and not just through the lens of her trauma but the culture as well. The South Asian culture as result of the patriarchy is extremely submissive for women.

Almost every chapter has a small nugget that alludes to future chapters and revelations. I will be linking them back every now and then.

I promise that Ana being with Christian will give her a lot of strength. She'll do things she never could see herself doing before. OUR GIRL OF STEELE IS GONNA FIND HER WAY BACK Y'ALL!

HANG TIGHT AND WASH THOSE HANDS. I LOVE YOU

**Mommapurvis:** WELCOME to my little frustrating world of fanfiction. haha, thank you for joining us.

**Misssee:** THANK YOU! My mind is also isolating itself in their world and writing out their story.

**Smills**: I see you're slowly making your way through the chapters. Thank you for leaving reviews!

**AnaSofia**: SUP BOO! I'm so glad you love Ros and Jose as much as I do.

**Carol222**: Your summaries are the best. Thank you!

**Gowildcats:** YAY, another Team Ros member. She's going to feature quite a bit for the next few chapters.

**Amysbusybug:** GIRL. get well soon, sending you all the good vibes from south jersey! i'm glad my little story could keep you company. Much love.

**LornaC:** Your reviews always make my day. I'm so glad I can bring a little happiness to yours.

To everyone else, you know I LOVE YOU. Tell me what you're up to. MY DM'S ARE OPEN.


	27. Chapter 27

Thank you for your reponses to the author's note in chapter 26. Much love. A few shout outs!

LL: Thank you for our review. I will definitely do an authors note when south asian traditions come into play or explain them in CPOV during the chapter. Thank you for following along. It means a lot.

Jess: I am rooting for you. Send you all the good vibes from New Jersey. I can't even imagine how scary the wait is. Till then, I hope this chapter keeps your spirits up a bit.

Jennifer: Thank you, love!

LornaC: YOU ARE WELCOME and Scotland sounds like a dream. The self-isolation vibes are ughhh but it's helping me post regularly so yaaay.

Desini: I can only imagine. I have some friends who really don't get some of the traditions I do or the cultural norms we have in regards to familial obligations.

JT: I feel your anger and I promise, Vishaal will get what's coming to him. But this is Ana's fight.

* * *

Chapter 27 – _The sweetest sadness in your eyes._

_Monday, January 27th, 2020._

**APOV**

I return to 18th and quickly dash into the ladies room to fix my face and calm myself from the intense moment I had with Christian upstairs. . I get a text from Sawyer as I walk back to my desk.

LS: Heard I'm back on narc duty starting this evening.

AS: Haha! That was fast. Admit it, you've missed our girl talk.

LS: I admit nothing. When do you want to leave this evening?

AS: I have to go to Elliot's for dinner tonight. He asked me to come by around 7:30pm. I get done with work at 6, want to grab a coffee with me and we can catch up?

LS: Sounds like plan.

...

I meet Sawyer out front a little after 6. We head out and pick a coffee shop a few blocks away from Elliot's condo.

We grab our drinks and find a table by the window and settle into our conversation, catching up and making jokes.

"So, tell me the good stuff. Been out on any dates recently?" I wiggle my eyebrows.

"You're worse than Jose."

"I could be worse but I'm choosing to ask... politely." I laugh.

"I went out on two dates and they were tragic, just a bunch of bimbos. I need a guy who isn't... I don't know, all up in my face?"

I roll my eyes. "God, you remind me of someone I know." We both laugh and my mind wanders to Christian. My broody CEO... _who I don't deserve._

Sawyer and I talk a bit more about the pitfalls of dating even though I have zero experience, I can make jokes at his expense and lighten the mood a little.

"Sawyer, I have a favor to ask and you can totally say no."

"Oh God, don't get me fired. I can't handle Grey losing his shit. We've all been walking on eggshells since..."

I look down and nod. "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry you guys have dealt with the brunt of all that."

"Shut up Steele, that's not what I meant. I mean, it hit him hard and it's affected him."

"Were you there when... everything happened at Escala?"

He looks out the window and closes his eyes and nods. "I wasn't in the room but I heard you I ran to the great room just as you started to have a seizure, then Taylor and Gail joined me shortly after."

I close my eyes. Fuck.

"I'm sorry you had to see that." I say with a heavy voice.

"I'm sorry you went through that but are you feeling better now?"

"I'm trying Sawyer. I have a lot of shit to work through and I have a lot of fear that I've been holding on to which brings me to my request."

"Shoot, Steele."

"Can you teach me self-defense? Like a refresher and then help me advance a bit from what I already know."

His eyebrows shoot up. "Are you in any immediate danger?"

"No. Not at the moment. I just... Dad taught me the basics and I took classes when I was growing up in Montesano but ever since my accident... I don't know how much you know of my history but basically my instincts are off and I don't trust myself."

I see his face change and there it is. That look of pity I've been trying to avoid from people since I moved to Portland. The same look that every one fucking gives me.

"I don't know the details of your history, Ana. And you don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable."

"It's not that. Just please don't look at me with pity, like I'm a broken girl. Shit happened to me and I really am trying to move past it but..." I feel my eyes begin to water and my throat burn. "Can we go into the car and talk? I need privacy to tell you this stuff."

We make our way back with our beverages and take our respective places in the car. I tell him everything in bullet point form from the accident to the recovery to the rape and what Dementor has been doing to me. I shut off my emotions and speak in almost monotone.

"Fuck." I hear him say under his breath.

"I don't want you to look at me some broken china doll, Sawyer. I need to learn how to toughen up. Before the accident, I had perfect aim, I could floor a guy who was twice my size but now... I second guess every fucking thing and I'm exhausted." I take a deep breath. "I know Christian will ask you for a report on me and you're more than welcome to tell him about our conversation, I don't mind. But I'd rather train with someone I know than going to a new instructor and deal with all that NDA shit."

"No, I get it. We can train at Grey's apartment gym? Or the main gym at Escala."

"I don't know about that. My building has a gym by the way."

"Grey won't go for that."

I roll my eyes. "Let me think about it."

"Do you want to hit the shooting range sometime?"

"Not going to lie, I loved that shit but I know Christian is anti-gun so God knows how he's going to feel about that."

"He's a pansy."

"HEY, don't say that about my man!"

We both laugh and suddenly the atmosphere is light again.

...

"Hey Steele!" Elliot bellows as I walk in and give him a hug.

I can't help but giggle "Hi, Elliot bhai! Missing my bff?" I ask teasingly. "Yeah, don't tell her that though, I like to keep the girl guessing."

"Damn, is this what you look like when you work at GEH? I approve."

I burst out laughing. "Careful, Christian might hear you and knock you on your ass."

"I'd like to see the fucker try." He sneers. "In fact, one of the these days I'm going to show up and make sure I hit on you in front of him just to see Dorothy lose his shit."

"I think we should totally make this happen." I hold up my hand and we high five.

We order Thai and talk more about architecture till the food comes. Once we settle and start to eat I broach the subject.

"I'm glad we got time to meet alone, I've been meaning to ask you to hang out."

I can see the apprehension in his face. "Yeah, sure... everything good?"

"Yeah It is..." I take a deep breath. "I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with Christian and I've realized that I only know these very limited sides of him. The CEO from work, who he is with me which is still a very new evolution and what Elena did to him in regards to all the BDSM shit and even though he's emotionally closed off, I was hoping you could share your memories of how he was with you. I just want to know how he was growing up. I know nothing about him."

Elliot nods. "I can understand that and I appreciate you coming to me. My relationship with Christian was difficult at first. He came into the family when I was 7 years old. He was 4 at the time and just a scrawny kid. He never spoke, at least not for the first 3 years with us but he still played with me. I got over the fact that I wasn't the center of attention anymore eventually. I mean look at me, I'm fucking adorable and then this kid comes along and tries to steal my thunder, I was fucking pissed." He laughs a little and it gives me a little insight into how rambunctious Elliot was even back then.

"I knew he had been hurt. He was just so quiet all the time and he had nightmares. He'd scream the house down at night and man could he fucking throw a punch. He'd beat the shit out of me. I mean, I also wouldn't stop from teasing him but that's what older siblings do right? When Mia came, that was the first time I heard his voice. His first word was 'Mia', I swear Ana, it's like the room lit up. He wouldn't let go of her. He was obsessed with her. He couldn't bear to see her cry and he'd always play with her. Mia was the only one who could touch him. " I feel tears begin to fall imagining Christian as a little boy, in need of love and safety at night and then falling in love with his baby sister and finding himself.

"He opened up a bit after that but he still remained guarded with us. He'd get us to do shit and then always pin the blame on me so I was always grounded. The fucker was always in mom's good graces but then when he hit puberty he lost his shit and started drinking and brawling. It was a fucking shit show, Steele. Mom and Dad were at the end of their rope with him, I think they even considered sending him to military school or something. Then the summer he turned 15 it was a 180 change. He miraculously just stopped but he became increasingly withdrawn. He was polite but he'd barely speak to me. When I left for college, I completely lost him. He barely replied to any form of communication. When we'd come home for the holidays, he'd disappear for hours on end... now I know where the fuck he'd go. That bitch stole him from us" He shakes his head and tries to continue but he takes a few moments to compose himself.

"It's okay Elliot, we don't have to talk about this. Just tell me some happy memories you have. We don't need to talk about the heavy shit." I wipe the tears from my eyes.

"No, I want to tell you this. It's important for you know, you're family now and you deserve to know this stuff. I want you and Christian to make it so I will do whatever I can to help. He's my kid brother, I always want him to be happy. If that means crying like a baby over some thai food then that's a small price to pay." He chuckles and I can't help but smile. "You're an amazing older brother Elliot. Christian is so lucky to have you in his life."

"Yeah, but I didn't protect him from that bitch. I should've paid more attention but I was just chasing tail and being a dumb jock." I reach out and squeeze his hand "Listen, you were a kid just living your life. You can't hold yourself responsible. None of you can, especially when the change you saw in Christian was a positive one in terms of him doing well in school and not drinking. No one could ever have imagined what he had gotten himself into. Our job right now is to make sure he knows how much we love him and help him for the future." I tell him and he nods "Yeah, you're right."

"When I first told Christian about what happened with Vishaal four years ago he wanted to murder him and he asked me why I couldn't bring myself to exact my revenge or wish him ill and I told him that my only wish is that the rest of my life is to infinitely happier than the 4 years of misery I felt at the hands of him. That's what our goal for Christian should be. That the next 50 years of his life are filled with happiness and love and safety."

"Damn Steele, you're so fucking wise. It scares me. Are you sure you're only 24?"

I can't help but laugh. "Nani is a good teacher and when you're confined to a bed indefinitely, you end up thinking a lot and stuff starts to make sense. But I'm messed up too in my own way... I'm trying to work on that." He nods slowly and eats a little more.

"What about after he dropped out of Harvard, I can imagine he was insanely busy with setting up the business but still, he was aloof?"

"Yeah, he barely smiled or laughed. Mia could sometimes get a reaction from him but it was always measured. I'd try to hang with him on the weekends, grab a beer or introduce him to girls but he'd just blow me off. It'd be a rare occurrence if we ever went hiking. He has a good relationship with Grandpa Theo but that also dwindled eventually, we all just chocked it up to him being busy and driven to make the business successful. Then at one point we just thought he was gay."

I burst out laughing. "Oh god, you know Kate asked him if he was gay right? In the interview for the WSU paper."

"Yeah I know, my girl has got the biggest balls." We fall into a fit of laughter till we can't breathe. "That's why when I saw him stare a hole at you at the wedding I was like... HANG ON A MINUTE. WHAT IS HAPPENING?" He's so freaking animated sometimes.

"Oh god, don't remind me. He freaked me the fuck out when you guys introduced me to him I thought I was going to get fired for fraternization cause HR runs a tight ass ship at work. There's an unofficial mantra for the women and it basically is 'stay away from grey'... I mean I've heard horror stories of how he'd shut women down at work. I did not want to be on the receiving end of that. Plus I never made the connection because you didn't look alike and Mia told me your last name was Grayson so yeah. Talk about a mini heart attack."

"Yeah, sorry about the name shit. Issues. Besides, I would've punched his face had he done that to you." He laughs. "Steele, seriously, his jaw was on the fucking floor when you sang the first night. I just randomly looked at him and he was in love with you, I just knew it. He has never looked at a woman they way he looked at you. I knew it. I was like, well I guess he's not gay and God I hope this girl can smack some sense into him cause when I saw him with you at the beach. Ana, I have _NEVER_ seen him like that. I have never seen him happy like that. It was... something else man"

Tears start to fall from my eyes and I quickly wipe them away as we get up and put the food away "He's changed my life Elliot. For the first time since the accident, I felt like I belonged and the future seemed clearer to me. He was so sweet to me and I know he has a kind and generous heart but I just got scared with all these recent revelations and my past experience with sexual violence. I can rationally separate everything but emotionally; I'm still a mess. After what happened with Vishaal, I completely clammed up. I wouldn't talk to men, I couldn't trust them especially when someone I called my brother and had known since I was a child could violate me like that. Kate was the one who slowly pushed me out of my comfort zone. Christian is the first guy I've been with and it's scary you know especially when you find out stuff out about the lifestyle... I don't want to wake up to him one day telling me that either you become a submissive or this is over because right now this is all new to him but what happens when it becomes old and he no longer finds me appealing? I've dealt with rejection before, don't get me wrong but it'll just hurt a lot more this time around."

He walks over to me and gives me a bear hug and rubs my shoulder. "I know and you should take all the time you need. It's a lot to take in and listen, we're here for the both of you and if he ever dares to break your heart like that, I will murder him. Trust me on this. He may be my brother but it doesn't give him a free pass on being an asshole. Though, I also believe you can handle him all on your own. I mean you threw him out of your apartment, now that takes balls of Steel"

I can't help but laugh. "Yeah, it was epic. I threw Mr. billionaire out on his ass." I sneer and he gives me a high five.

"I'm telling you, you're the best girl for him. He needs to be put in his place every now and then." I shrug.

"Tell me what you love most about Christian?"

"He's a protector. He's always been there when we've needed him. He drops everything to be there for us. He'll do everything in his power to make sure we're taken care of. Grey Construction is only where it's at because he decided to take a chance on me. I owe him a lot. He's just fucking brilliant, he's the bravest guy I know. I'm in awe of him"

I smile and nod at him. "Yeah, he's pretty special." I say wishing I was in his arms right now, looking into his eyes.

The rest of the night goes by in a flash as we talk a bit more about Christian and they memories of growing up with the Greys. I feel a bit better after talking to Elliot. I saw a different side to Christian. I know how much he loves his brother and it's beautiful.

On my way home I text Mia and decide to see if she's available for a dinner date.

AS: Hey love, sorry to text so late. Any chance you're free on tomorrow night to meet for me dinner? Come over to my place and we'll order pizza? Was hoping we could talk.

MG: Of course Banana, I'll meet you at 7pm?

AS: Yeah sure, and you can stay over if you want.

MG: Um, I might just go to Ethan's after.

AS: Mia Antoinette Grey, you hussy.

MG: Girl... I have SO MUCH to tell you.

AS: Oh god. I'm going to regret this aren't I?

* * *

_Tuesday, January 28th, 2020_

**CPOV**

"Sawyer, care you explain to me the gap between you and Miss Steele leaving GEH and getting to Elliot's condo." I ask trying my best to rein in my temper. Taylor looks stoic as always.

"Sir, Miss Steele asked for us to stop at a coffee shop to... talk."

The fuck... "What exactly did she want to talk about?"

"Sir, she asked for favor. She wants me to teach her self-defense."

WHAT? "What do you mean? Is she in danger?"

"I asked her the same and she said no. She just wants to learn from someone she knows, she needs a refresher and is hoping to advance her technique once she's gained back her confidence and can learn to trust her instincts again."

"I see."

"She also told me her history with her accident and..." I see Sawyer visibly wince "her assault. She would like me to train her at her building gym but I said that you might not go for that."

I nod.

"Whenever you both decide to start, I want you to train her in the apartment gym."

"I suggested that and she said she would think about it."

"I appreciate you doing this Sawyer."

He nods.

"How was she when she left Elliot's last night?"

"She seemed okay. I could tell she had been crying but our conversation on her way back home was light."

I nod and dismiss them for the rest of the day.

CG: How was dinner with Ana last night?

EG: Great. We were plotting ways to take over GEH. You might wanna watch your ass, Dorothy.

CG: I'm serious.

EG: Take a Xanax bro. Dinner was good. We talked and don't worry she still loves your mug... not sure why but she does.

CG: Thanks Lelliot.

**APOV**

I decide to eat lunch at my desk this afternoon. Lunch consists of mango flavored yogurt and oats with a stash of swedfish. I keep eating out and whenever I get home, I am too lazy to make anything. It's not fun cooking for one. The food Grace brought is almost finished. I can't wait for Kate to be back tomorrow but then again, she's going to want to spend time with Elliot. Maybe, they'll come over and we'll have dinner together? God, I'm becoming that friend, no that 'third wheel' they include out of pity. I should probably talk to Kate and get my mind straightened out. I never used to feel like this before. _Get it together, Steele._

As sad and defeated as I feel, I've poured myself into work today and I've gotten shit done. It also helps that I've been keeping to myself. Jose and Val are feeling neglected. As much as I love them, I need a little distance to miss them too. My office chat window pings.

J. Rodriguez: You seriously look like a sad ass deflated balloon.

A. Steele: You sure know how to make a girl feel special.

J. Rodriguez: You know you can talk to us right?

A. Steele: I know :) I'll be fine soon I promise. Just some complicated shit going on behind the scenes.

J. Rodriguez: Good cause we miss your ass at lunch. I need someone to put Val in her effing place. The B is getting too much for me to handle alone.

A. Steele: You'd die without her you diva.

J. Rodriguez: Tell her that and I'll eff you up.

...

**CPOV**

I head back to Escala just in time for Mrs. Jones to set out dinner. She looks at me wistfully. She's in her early 40's but she has a motherly like quality about her and I know she genuinely cares for me. I think my view of her changed when Ana came into my life, certainly more so after she left. I come out of my room and see her cleaning the kitchen counter before heading out.

"Mr. Grey, I've made Beef Stroganoff for this evening."

"Thank you Gail."

"Will there be anything else?"

"No, this is good. In fact, I'll be taking this into my study. I have some more work to do." That's my fucking life now. Fucking empty. I miss hearing Ana's voice echo through these spaces. I miss listening to her singing along to her music, her walking around... her aura. Her... _everything._

I see Gail about to leave and do something completely unexpected before I can stop myself. "Gail, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Mr. Grey."

"Do you think she'll come back?" I can feel my throat burn.

She takes a breath and her face softens even more. "She will Mr. Grey. You have to have faith in her and yourself."

"I used to think I knew how to read people, how to read women but she knocks the wind out of me every time. I'm out of my depth and it's not a feeling I'm used to."

"Well, she's not any kind of woman. She's one of kind, which is why you fell in love with her. Mr. Grey, being in love is just that, simultaneously feeling out of your depth and yet so safely anchored to the ground. You both will find your way back to each other. I know it."

I nod. This is probably the most personal conversation I've ever had with her. "Gail, I hope you know how much I appreciate what you and Jason have done for me over the years. I haven't been an easy man to deal with but you have stuck by me throughout and I am... grateful."

"Mr. Grey, you don't give yourself enough credit. You are a good man. Jason and I genuinely want to see you happy. Miss Steele will come back. I am sure of it." She smiles at me and I nod. I pick up my plate and head to the study to spend another long night working.

I'm in the middle of watching the evening news when I get a text from Mia.

MG: Spending the evening with Ana. She's doing well, here's a video of us being silly!

I open the video and Ana laughing with her hair in a messy bun and flushed cheeks and not an ounce of makeup on. She's laughing and speaking into the camera threatening Kate and Elliot to not come back till Sunday night because she doesn't want to share the food Mia and her cooked. She's adorable. It makes me smile and long for her. Mia proceeds to send me pictures of Ana throughout the night, of her eating, laughing, bundled up in a blanket on the couch with a tub of ice-cream and intensely staring at the TV. _My simple girl with her simple pleasures._

CG: Thanks for sending these Mia, she'll probably kill us both if she finds out.

MG: We'll survive. Know that she loves you so much Christian. She's asked about you so the entire time.

CG: I know she does, I love her just as much. Thanks Mia.

**APOV**

Mia and I cook up a storm after a very successful grocery run which is great because this food can last me till Sunday if I freeze some of it. Suddenly my selfish ass doesn't want Kate and Elliot to stay over on the weekend and eat all the food.

"Mia, can I just marry you. Feed me till the end of time. You're so good at this." I talk like a child with my mouthful.

"Deal. Ethan and Christian are useless anyway." She giggles.

"So tell me, you and Ethan doing well?"

"Ana... he's so... mature and understanding and GOD, the sex... I mean..."

I hold up my hand to stop her. "Babies, I'm eating, can we please hold off on the sex talk and also, I see him as a brother so this is weird for me and not to mention, I've had sex with your brother so this is going to get awkward really fast."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. You and Christian, God... you're like in mom and dad territory for me. I never want to imagine them having sex." Mia laughs and quickly shakes her head in mock disgust.

"Listen, it's okay, you can talk to me about anything just when the time is right. Like after food. We can talk about sex after food." I laugh.

We talk about everything, her apprenticeship at the Mile High Club with this insanely sought after French Chef that just started. She's thinking of going to Paris again for another course to get more experience after she's done in the Spring but isn't sure given how well things with Ethan are going.

"Mia, keep your plans on track... Ethan is new. As much as I adore you both together, you shouldn't alter your dreams and goals right now. Ethan is mature enough to recognize that you too have aspirations and if you guys end up having to do long distance then you will do it and it will be fine. You're grown ups, women always compromise with the guy have to move to the boonies, and Ethan is a good guy... he will support you or I will beat his ass."

"Thanks Banana, you're right. I just have never felt this way. Remember when we talked about love in the car on the way to beach at the wedding... that's how I feel."

I lean and give her a big hug and she starts to cry, which makes me bawl like a baby.

"You've found your all encompassing love?"

"I have but... I haven't told him yet, I mean it's also so new. I'm not sure he feels that way about me but the conversations we've had are intense Ana. He's unlike anyone I've ever met. I feel like I've found...I've found my person. And it's in the little things that he does for me that... I've never experienced that. I can't explain it." she says wiping tears from her eyes.

"Then that's all that matters. If you're afraid to say I love you, I can understand that. Take your time but also enjoy this time. Feel cherished, feel his adoration and most of all, trust the connection you have." I suddenly miss Christian. _I miss his touch. I miss his eyes. I should follow my own advice._

"I do, I trying my best to exercise patience as well... we all know how 'enthusiastic' I can be. I have self control issues but he calms me and it's a whole new world." I smile at her and squeeze her hand.

"I'm so happy for you. So fucking happy for you."

"I have you and Kate to thank, thank you for thinking of me and introducing us."

"Girl, we knew we wanted to hook you and Ethan up when we came back from Seattle after Cabo. It was just a matter of getting to know you better and making sure it would be a good match and then also Ethan moving back from the East Coast."

"Thank God it all worked out though I feel like shit that it put a dent further into yours and Christian's situation." I sense the guilt in her tone.

"Listen to me, Christian is a grown ass man who landed himself extra time in the doghouse alllll on his own. I gave him a piece of my mind that day and it seems to really have resonated with him, though knowing how impatient he can be... I mean you know him way better than I do, we'll see how long this lasts till his next outburst." I laugh a little and Mia gives me a small smile, tears still flowing.

"That's the thing, I feel like I don't know him anymore. He's definitely my brother. I love him there is no doubt about that but... he told me everything. He didn't give me the details on his BDSM lifestyle post Elena but I'm not an idiot, I have lived a life and have seen and heard shit but I just felt blindsided. All those years when I was looking up to my brother, he was trapped and being exploited by that bitch and then later on... it warped his sense of self... to make him... do... all... that and be... alone...ohhh I'm so sorry banana... I wish I had known..." She sobs and I pull her into another hug.

"I know babies, I know. It's hurts. I wish I knew him back then, I wish we could've saved him from all that. I wish we could have showed him how much he is loved and how important he is to us." I kiss her forehead and she starts to calm down a bit. "I said this to Elliot yesterday, that as hurt as we are about what he went through in the past, we need to now look to the now and future. We need to make sure the remainder for his life with us is filled with love, acceptance, safety and happiness. It's going to take all of us and a whole lot of patience to get him to see himself the way we see him. And Mia, he's still the brother you love and adore, he always will be."

I start to cry as well. I cry for the little boy who cried at night. I cry for the teenager who felt misunderstood. I cry for the boy who was sexually exploited by that bitch, I cry for the man who believed who was not worthy of love in his life. I cry for being such a broken mess who can't get it together to go back to him.

She nods and wipes her tears and sits up. "You're right, we need to move forward. Will you guys get back together Banana, no pressure, I just love seeing you both together, you're perfect and I've never seen Christian so happy and actually laughing like he does with you."

"We will Mia, when the time is right. As much as I took this break for myself, it's also for him. For him to really think about his life choices and also decide if what we have is just a phase or if he feels like he wants go back to the lifestyle. Because if it's the latter then there is no room for me in his life and Mia, I haven't been through all that shit in my life to be reduced to sexual plaything. This relationship is a first for us both and we've come from trauma and... there's just a lot to analyze and work through. I have a lot of feelings and it's confusing."

She nods silently playing with the blanket in her hands.

"Tell me about your relationship with Christian growing up. What is your favorite memory of him?"

Her face lights up. "Oh god... so many. I mean he was quite the prankster. He was always pranking me, nothing elaborate just little things but he would always make it up to me. It's hard to stay mad at him plus the black amex really helps." She giggles. "One of my favorite things was he'd tuck me into bed. He'd read stories to me and he would always check under the bed for monsters and tell me I was going to be safe and I'd believe him. He helped me not feel afraid of the dark. Even though every other night he'd wake up with night terrors and none of us could do anything to make him feel safe."

I burst out crying and I can't stop. It's embarrassing. Mia pulls me into hug and holds me tight. "Sorry... god... it's hard to be mad at him when you guys share memories like that. Asshole makes it so easy to fall in love with him." I laugh a little.

"Yeah...if he only believed it. I used to talk to him a lot because he'd always be grounded and in his room reading so I'd go up him and talk up a fucking storm and he'd answer every single question I had. He was so patient with me, I mean if you guys think I'm bad now... I was 10 times worse back then but he loved and still loves me. The distance of course grew exponentially after he turned 15. First it was slow and then when he moved out to go to Harvard, I lost him. I think we all did but this is the most we've heard him speak you know. Ever since you came and all this happened. He's talking to us. You're the reason for it Banana, you're a godsend."

"Mia, please... it's not me. I didn't make him do anything. In the end everything was his decision. He could have still chosen to not tell you guys anything."

"I know... but you gave him the courage to. That's what matters the most. He loves you so much Banana. I hope you still believe in that." She smiles at me and I find myself unable to look her in the eye. "I do, Mia I do. I love him so much but we both have growing up to do."

It's a little after 10pm when Mia leaves and I quickly clean up as I blast some music. As I put the last of the things away, an old song that I haven't heard in a longest time comes on.

_Your fingertips across my skin  
The palm trees swaying in the wind  
Images_

_You sang me Spanish lullabies  
The sweetest sadness in your eyes  
Clever trick_

_Well, I never want to see you unhappy  
I thought you'd want the same for me_

_Goodbye, my almost lover  
Goodbye, my hopeless dream  
I'm trying not to think about you  
Can't you just let me be?  
So long, my luckless romance  
My back is turned on you  
Should've known you'd bring me heartache  
Almost lovers always do_

_We walked along a crowded street  
You took my hand and danced with me  
Images_

_And when you left, you kissed my lips  
You told me you would never, never forget  
These images_

My mind drifts to Carmel by the Sea again. I turn off the song. I don't want to feel sad anymore. I don't want to feel lonely. I start to compose a text to send to Christian and I write a 100 different variations of salutations and it's fucking pathetic... an English major who cannot find the words to start a conversation.

I decide to put on my big girl panties and tell my brain to shut the fuck up and call him. The phone rings. Each ring feels like years have passed by. He doesn't pick up. I check the time, it's only 10:30... maybe he doesn't want to talk to me. That's fair.

I walk into my room and start to prepare my clothes for tomorrow. I should probably wear black. It's safe and professional. I want to blend in and not stand out. I take out a conservative knee length dress and choose my kitten heels with bows on the ankle straps. This should look nice. I met Mrs. Rahman very briefly at Rania's wedding. She probably won't even remember me. I don't think I've ever met Akash either... maybe I have... I'm brought out of my reverie when my phone rings. It's Christian.

"Baby? Is everything okay?" he asks concerned. God HIS VOICE... I'm just a melted puddle on the fucking floor now.

"Um.. yeah, I'm fine. I called.. to... I'm sorry... I called on impulse." I'm such a fucking nervous wreck.

"Ana, what happened?"

"Nothing." Don't cry, Steele. DO NOT FUCKING CRY.

"Okay." His voice is serious and measured. "Did you have dinner?"

"Yes I did. Mia was here this evening and we cooked."

"I'm glad to hear that."

And then there's the awkward silence. Us both hanging on the line.

"How are you feeling?" he asks.

"I'm okay, I think." I answer truthfully.

"Have you been sleeping?"

"Not really. I've got a lot on my mind."

"Want to talk about it."

"It's mostly sad stuff that I'm trying my best to work through."

"I see. You know you can talk to me and you can talk to Flynn."

"Yeah I know. I thought Nana's death didn't affect me but I think it has."

"Talk to me baby."

I take a deep breath and crawl into my bed.

"He's the first loved one to die since my dad. Before dad died I never experienced that. The death of a loved one. And... well, I never got to bury my dad or say goodbye, you know. I haven't even been to his grave. I feel like it's somehow a repeat of that except, I'm feeling this way about someone who was so distant with me and our last bit of time we spent is now messing with my brain. And then talking about him yesterday... I don't know... I'm confused and it's messing with me I think." I finish just as my voice starts to waver and gets thick.

"I'm sorry, Ana."

"It's not your fault, you don't have to say that."

"I know... I mean... I just wish you didn't feel that way or had to experience that."

"Maybe there's a lesson in all that I'm not seeing."

"Did you love him?"

"Yeah I did. I mean, he was the only grandfather I had. No matter how non-existent our relationship was. He was my grandmother's husband and my mothers father. I still would've done anything he asked me to do. I guess maybe, I didn't feel love but a deep sense of loyalty to him and now his memory after everything... ." I start to cry.

"Why do you always reduce your self-worth to what others have done for you? Why do you always measure yourself by the debt you owe to them?" I can sense the irritation in his voice

"What else do I have Christian? I guess it's just the perks of being a woman in a man's world. The constant self-guessing." I laugh a little as I wipe my tears.

He takes a deep breath. "None of them are worthy of you Ana." I hear the heaviness in his voice.

"I don't know." I try to deflect, trying stop a new wave of tears.

"Want to hear something funny?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Ros caught me staring at your ass when you walked away from us to make a phone call."

I burst out laughing. "Oh god... Christian... KEEP your EYES to YOURSELF. Like you have NO idea, her and Jose have been on my case to setup a tinder and go on a date."

"I'll fucking fire them both." He laughs.

"No you won't, you can't live without Ros and Travis can't live without Jose. So you're just gonna have to deal."

"Ros, wants us to date. She's been trying to brainwash me and you looking hot as fuck yesterday was doing me no favors."

I bust out laughing trying to quash the discomfort of the compliment. "It was all just some makeup and a pretty dress. Has she ever done that before?"

"I'm going to ignore your self-deprecation. And no she's never actively tried to set me up. Which is why it's so surprising and entertaining. She's on to me though. She loves the fact that you ignore me and are so unaffected by me."

"She'll murder us both whenever she finds out." I giggle.

"I'll give her a raise to shut her up." He laughs.

"I like it when you laugh. When I first saw you around GEH, I thought maybe you never smiled a day in your life." I confess.

"Well, Miss Steele, you're quite hilarious. You make it easy to laugh."

"I've been known to have my moments."

"I thought you avoided me like the plague before you met me."

"Oh I definitely did that doesn't mean I didn't see you. I remember, I think it was my second month, I walked by conference room A and I saw you at the head of the table just looking out the window, lost in thought. You looked so sad but then I thought... ehhhh, rich people problems and walked away."

"You're the only woman who can so easily write me off." He says with sadness.

"I didn't know you and I know I judged you. It was wrong but it was honestly just a passing thought. I projecting my own insecurities in a way I guess."

"I guess I do that too. I judge people and measure their worth by money."

"We all judge people in some way. Doesn't make it right but I guess if we make an active choice to try and nip that thought process in the bud as it starts then we'll be okay."

"I guess." He muses. "Are you nervous about the meeting tomorrow?"

"A little. I haven't been in a setting like that for about 3-4 years and I don't know if Mrs. Rahman will remember me."

"You've met her before?"

"Yes, briefly... at Rania's wedding. Everyone and their mother showed up to Rania's wedding so yeah, we'll see. She knows Nani very well so once I introduce myself as her granddaughter, it'll be smooth sailing."

"Thank you for doing this, Ana."

"I'm happy to help, Christian."

"You always are. I felt a little guilty, I know you don't like using your family connections but you've been more than generous with everything. I know Ros is over the moon about you being a part of the process."

"Truth is, if I wasn't friends with Ros and I didn't know you but I still got asked to meet you guys to help with translations... I probably wouldn't have told you my connection to AHAK and given such a comprehensive look into the Rahman's."

"Why not?"

"I don't know... trust? I mean what would I have said, um, hi... please sign this NDA because I'm not allowed to talk about my family etc." I laugh a little. "My friendship with Ros and knowing you helped me trust you guys with that information. I've realized that I need to start trusting people again."

"I understand. Still, it means the world to me that you're going above and beyond for GEH."

"Well, don't thank me yet. We don't even know how tomorrow will go. I could very easily tank everything and then Ros will definitely fire me... and your chance to hook up with me will go down the drain." I can't help but laugh.

"Miss Steele, I think I can definitely still hook up with you with or without Ros's help." He chuckles.

"Dream on, Grey." I sass back.

"Miss Steele, you have no idea what I've been dreaming up."

"Perv."

"No denying that."

I giggle. "I've missed this. Us talking. I've been... I'm tried of feeling this way..."

"I know baby, but take all the time you need. In the end, I always want you to be happy. I fucking miss you but..."

"I know... I miss you too."

"It's late baby, sleep. I love you."

"I'll try. I love you, good night."

* * *

**Authors Note: **A little sunday night, and early monday morning pick me up for some of you guys. Cause next chapter is some major drama.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out the chapter 25-27 board :)

**Music:**

Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy


	28. Chapter 28

I'm so happy you guys liked the last chapter.I really loved writing out the memories Mia and Elliot had of him. I drew inspiration from my own life and traditions and games i've played with my nieces and nephews. It warms my heart that you all felt the love in them.

I PROMISE, they get back together in the next chapter. Like, PINKY PROMISE. Thank you for sticking by me.

**desini**: I'm actually not sure, I just keep writing. right now, I have about 6 more chapters and I keep writing more. haha.

**dutch potterfan:** it will be a long while till he gets what's coming to him. but I promise the fucker is going down.

**gowildcats:** YOU SLAY ME with the love *ugly cries*

**babycakes10121:** I gotchu boo.

Trigger warning: references to rape.

* * *

Chapter 28 - _everything is blue._

_Wednesday, January 29th, 2020_

**CPOV**

I walk in to the lobby towards the elevator, it's a little before 9am. I get off on 20th and Andrea walks with me to my office for a brief rundown of our schedule. After replying to a few emails, and a quick conference call, Ros calls me to let me know that the Rahman's have arrived and to meet her in the conference room on our floor.

Akash and his lawyer come in at around 9:45am and we seat them in the big conference room on our floor. It's got couches, a small bar-kitchenette station and a table that sits 10 people should the need arise. Not to mention it's got the same killer view of Seattle that I have from my office. Akash tells us that his mother is running about 30 minutes late and apologizes for the delay.

Akash is almost passes for white. He's almost as tall as I am with green eyes. I remember Ana telling me that people from the Kashmir region were often fairer in complexion than other , which means his mother will probably have similar features. He knows he's got the face that gets him what he wants. He better not give Ana any looks or I'll throw him out the fucking window. Why am I riling myself up? I need to calm the fuck down.

We stand around and have coffee talking about Akash's time at Harvard and his lawyer's time at Columbia and Yale. Ana joins us shortly after. She's a vision. Dressed head to toe in black, wearing a full sleeve dress that goes to her knees and ruffles slightly at the bottom, heels with bows on them and her signature ponytail that makes her look like a million bucks. She's got eye-liner on with a slight rosy blush that do everything to bring out her ocean eyes. I could kiss her, she looks so fucking exquisite... this meeting will be a challenge. _Focus, Grey. Focus_

She walks in and smiles. She greets everyone and shakes hands with Akash's two lawyers and then with Akash.

"Mr. Rahman, it's nice to finally meet you. I'm Anastasia."

"Ah, Aana, long time no see."

Her eyes visibly widen and her expression changes as she shakes Akash's hands and quickly pulls away from him, giving a small smile.

"I'm sorry, I don't think we've met before."

"Really, I could've sworn we have. You're Vishaal's cousin right?"

She hesitates a little. "Yes, I'm Kiran and Vishaal's cousin."

"Hmm, so you don't remember? That's okay, it'll probably come to you at 4 in the morning." He laughs and I see Ana take a small step back.

She swallows and gives a tight smile, excusing herself and quickly walks out of the room. I see her shiver as she gets to the door; I excuse myself and go after her. I see her quickly walking to Andrea's desk and say something to her as she slumps on her table and tries to keep herself from falling, holding her hip. I run to her.

"Ana, look at me. What happened?" I ask. She's turns to me, her eyes wide in pain and unable to speak but I hear her whimper. "Andrea, get her bag from 18th and bring it to my office. NOW." I hold her in my arms and carry her to my office. Ana shivers uncontrollably, her face strained and tense as she tries not to scream. I lay her down and she turns her face into the couch and screams loudly into the cushion while crying uncontrollably. A few minutes later Andrea runs into my office with her bag and a glass of water. I empty the whole thing on the table and pull her Percocet out and tell her to take one. "Ana, take this. Please." She lifts her head, crying, shivering and takes the pill and puts her head back down and screams again.

"Sir, I'm going to call 911." Andrea says. "No Andrea, she just needs a few minutes. It's happened before." Andrea looks confused. "Yes Sir, please let me know if I can help out in other way... I'll be at my desk." She leaves.

Ana stops crying after a few minutes and stares to the floor, trying to bring her breathing to normal her head still on the cushion as she lays on the couch. I'm kneeled in front of her, caressing her face. "Ana, baby, what happened?" She doesn't speak, she just stares with vacant eyes as tears fall. After a minute she sits up and tries to fix her hair and goes to pick up her things from the floor. I help her and we put everything in her bag. She tries to stand up but struggles. "Baby, just take a few more minutes, Mrs, Rahman is running late anyway, so we have time." She nods and puts her face in her hands. I sit next to her and rub her back. I hear her phone ping and she goes to pull it from her bag. She goes through it and reads through and an email and I see her close her eyes and pinch the bridge of her nose.

She turns and looks at me. "Do you trust me, Christian?" she asks. "With my life Ana."

"No Christian, I mean professionally, do you trust my judgment?"

"Yes Ana, I do." I say. "If I decide to speak up, I need you to give me carte blanche in the negotiations. Just trust me on this. I can get you this deal in a way that will be extremely beneficial to GEH but you have to let me do what I need to." She looks at me with such an intensity that I've never seen before.

"Okay baby, do what you need to do. I trust you implicitly." I say truthfully. I know she will have GEH's best interest at heart but I'm equally terrified of her at this point.

"You should head back in there. I'm going to fix myself and will come by in a bit." I caress her face one last time and she leans into my touch. I get up and walk out towards the conference room. I've never been this nervous for deal to go through. This is so unlike me.

Ana walks back into the room about 10 minutes later looking refreshed and smiles brightly as she see's Mrs. Rahman. She goes and greets her in Hindi and instantly makes her feel comfortable. The laugh a little and she gives Ana a hug and they talk animatedly for a bit. Ana

We move to sit down at the conference table and begin our meeting.

Akash is on the same tired spiel of wanting more. I'm so fucking exhausted at this point that I want to walk away but Ros is hell bent on trying to make this work. I know she wants us to go up 335 if need be in the offer but I'm not feeling it anymore. I look to Ana who is looking at Akash with the death stare. After a beat she looks at me and interrupts Ros.

"Ros, Mr. Grey, May I?" She asks. Oh fuck, it's show time. "The floor is yours Miss Steele." I wait with baited breath and what unfolds before me is the most unexpected.

She looks to Akash, stands up, placing her hands on the table, leaning in and begins.

"Mr. Rahman, I haven't been in the room 15 minutes and I'm already exhausted with your attempts at trying to thwart quite possibly the best deal you're going to get in this market.

This company is your family's legacy and the name you so proudly carry yet are so quick to disrespect. Yes your parents started this company and created a name that is synonymous with fairness and have quite literally become the industry standard in India. However that doesn't mean you're entitled to inherit it based on nepotism alone. Your parents have the right to sell since it's THEIR Company, you will most definitely get your piece and you can start anew. Create your own legacy outside of your parents shadow should you choose to do so.

You can go ahead and probably get a seemingly better deal financially down the street but I can assure you as soon as you sign those papers they will rip your company to shreds and you will have to go back home with your tail between your legs and tell 2 million workers how they got royally fucked because the little prince could get his shit together. That's a shit ton of bad karma coming your way when you conservatively average a minimum of 3 children per worker who will go hungry. Do the math.

The money will last you long but your name will mean nothing. You will be nothing but a cautionary tale, a joke told at parties. Is that what you want YOUR legacy to be?

Your parents created something grand from nothing and you are hell bent on tearing it down for your own selfish reasons. Now Mr. Grey here has been more than generous with his offer and if you look at our portfolio, which I know you have, we are known here at GEH for keeping jobs and minimizing layoffs and keeping continuity.

However seeing your blatant disrespect here for not only your mother, who by the way seems like a wonderful woman, and Mr. Grey plus company here, the original deal for 325 off the table."

Ros moves to interject and I signal her to stand down.

Ana proceeds to speak to him in the same calm but chilling tone in Hindi. I can see the fear creep into Akash's face. I hear the only english words "vishaal, going away party and WSU " and it dawns on me what this is about. FUCK! He was a part of what happened to her? Akash's mother raises her hand to her mouth and looks down. Akash's lawyers looks visibly uncomfortable as one of them takes his eyes off of Ana and looks to his client and around to all of us before looking down. Their faces are tense as whatever Ana says cuts into them.

Ana takes a breath and straightens her posture.

"Look at me Akash." Ana barks at him. Akash immediately looks up; I can see the fear and discomfort in his eyes.

She throws a folder at him. "The assets I've highlighted. Strike them from your portfolio. We are not going to be paying for a development that will be structurally unsound in a year due to rigged boring tests. You want to embezzle from your family? Go ahead but it will not be on our dime. Did you actually think we wouldn't find out about your so called deal with the Kerala municipal government that you were subbing out? You will not stay on as CEO or any executive position and part of this deal will require that you come nowhere near within 1000 feet of any Rahman Industries assets."

HOLY FUCK. Ros looks at me like the sky is falling but recovers.

"$275 million. Take it or leave it. You have 10 minutes to decide."

Ana looks to us with the same chilling expression.

"Shall we?" Ana is the first to leave as she walks away with purpose back to my office. We all follow her there and I see her walk to the windows. She very well could be the CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings.

"What the fuck was that Anastasia?" Ros screams.

Ana turns around calmly. "He'll take it. Trust me."

"How the fuck do you know that?" Ros is about to lose it. "Ros, take a moment." I say. "No Christian, this is our only in into the Indian market and we're going to lose it to her inexperience and your lapse in judgment."

"Ros, I know how everything works in that culture, I know how men like him operate. I know the things he's done and I just aired his dirty laundry in front of his mother and lawyers. He'll take the fucking scraps we give him to save face because if he doesn't he knows I will scream his list of sins from the rooftops"

"You better be fucking right or you're fired." Ros yells.

"Your threat of firing me doesn't scare me Ros, you have no idea of the shit I've been through. Getting fired from GEH would be a fucking blessing in my life at this point. In fact, consider this my 2 weeks notice." Ana bites back and her face is tense. Ros is taken aback and retreats.

I'm equal parts terrified of her and turned on by her. Who is this woman?

Ros and I go to sit on the couches as Travis walks to Ana and puts his hand on her shoulder. "You sure you're okay, Ana?"

"Yes Mr. Travis, thank you for asking. I know I just took over in there but I promise I have GEH's best interest at heart." She gives a small smile.

After a bit we start to head out. "You guys go ahead, Miss Steele can I have a word?" She silently nods while Ros and Travis make their way to the conference room where Akash and company are waiting.

Ana is standing in front of me, looking down, fingers knotted. "Ana, are you sure you're okay? Was he there with Vishaal when all that happened?" She looks up at me "it's okay Christian, I'm fine now. We can talk about it later." She gives me the smallest smile. And it breaks my heart. I hold her face in my hands and lean in to her and hover over lips, silently asking permission to kiss her. She raises her lips, gives me a small kiss and quickly walks out.

I feel a murderous rage within me, I want to fucking kill Akash and Vishaal but I have to really control myself. This is neither the time nor the place. Fuck, I need to talk to Flynn but first I need to call Welch

"Welch. Grey. I need a full docket on Akash Rahman of Rahman Industries from India. I know he went to Harvard the same time as Vishaal did. That fucker maybe clean as a whistle but Akash seems pretty dumb. Dig deep and get something I can bury him with."

"On it, Sir."

I walk back to the conference room and I see Akash is no longer there. It's just his mother Mrs. Rahman and their lawyers.

"Mr. Grey, we accept your offer and look forward to the Rahman legacy continuing on under GEH." Mrs. Rahman says and I'm a little stunned. We were told she doesn't speak English at all. She sounds so sophisticated. Ana gives a knowing smile. I suspect she knew all along.

We all shake hands and sign the letter of intent to begin the proceedings for the merger.

"Mrs. Rahman, I'd love to invite you and your family over to my home for dinner to celebrate. Would Friday evening work? I understand two of your children live in Seattle with their families."

"That is very kind of you Mr. Grey, yes they do and we would love to have dinner. Will you all be there as well? I hope so. I would love to spend more time with this beautiful girl." She looks lovingly towards Ana.

Ana looks a little uncomfortable. "I'll try my best to make it, Mrs. Rahman" she offers a small smile. We head down together in the private elevator to see Mrs. Rahman off.

Before getting into the car, Mrs. Rahman takes Ana aside and talks to her in hindi, she clasps her hands like in prayer in front of Ana and it feels as if she's begging for... forgiveness? Ana holds her hands and shakes her head. I see tears fall from her eyes and she pulls Mrs. Rahman in for a hug and kisses her cheek saying something in hindi to her before guiding her to the car and sending them off.

I look to Ros and Travis who are equally stunned. We turn to walk towards the private elevator and none of us say a word. Ana is turned away from us, staring towards the floor. Once we get to 20th, Ana quickly walks out to go towards the conference room to pick up her bag and head towards the public elevators.

"Ana, can you please join us in Mr. Grey's office." Ros asks in a slightly authoritative voice.

Ana slowly turns around and follows us. We take our seats on the couch and chairs. Ros and I sit across from Travis and Ana, but Ana's eyes remain downcast.

"Ana, what the hell happened in there? Why didn't you tell us about those assets? Ros asks.

It takes Ana a few moments to speak. "I only found that out a few minutes before I walked in and there was no time to tell you. I knew what those assets were worth so I revaluated everything."

"I see. What did you say to him in Hindi."

"Nothing. It was related to the deal. I just needed to get a point across."

"I'm not dumb Ana, something happened. I saw the horror his mother's face, that does not come from learning your son stole from you. That was something else."

"Ros, it's fine. It's done with. You guys should celebrate the fact that GEH is now officially in the Indian market. Don't let what happened there dampen the mood." She is struggling to speak.

"Ros, let's drop this and move on." I tell her.

"Ana, we have the right to know. This happened on GEH property we are entitled to know you said to him or you want me to have the audio translated by IT?"

Ana looks up and I see the fear in her eyes. "Please don't do that. Listen, whatever it is. It's in the past. Please trust me on this. I did this to get you guys the best deal. Just focus on that. I swear I didn't say anything that would damage GEH's reputation. Besides they're also bound by NDA, they will not repeat what I said. It would ruin their reputation in the community." Her voice breaks and I see tears start to form again.

"Did he hurt you Ana?" I see Ros look at her with concern. She gets it but she'll fucking push it.

"Miss Steele, you don't have to answer anything you're not comfortable with sharing. Ros, just drop it already." I try to get her to stand the fuck down.

Ros gives me the death stare. "Ana, we can help you. You can trust us." She gets up to go to Ana but Ana jumps up and takes a few steps back holding her hand out shaking her head.

"Please... don't... " She starts to cry and suddenly she's trembling. "I'm fine... just focus on the good that came out of this... please."

She reaches down to pick up her bag and turns around to quickly run out of our office.

"WHAT THE FUCK ROS?" I scream at her.

"DON'T YELL AT ME. SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HER."

"Christian, Ros, please... " Travis interrupts us. "I will go and try to talk to her but if she still doesn't want to talk or share anything we cannot do much."

Ros runs her hands through her hair. "You do realize she just singlehandedly got us Rahman Industries for $75 million below their asking price."

I feel my heart soar with pride and then crash back down at break neck speed. "I know..." I say with a low voice.

"We need to take of her, I'm talking a fucking promotion and a fucking bonus or raise or both. She hasn't been here a year and she's saved us almost $80 million." She trails off. "I'd marry her in a heartbeat if it wasn't for Gwen... and for god's sake don't you two tell Gwen that, she'll murder me in my sleep." Ros chuckles and Travis and I can't help but laugh.

"I'm going to go down there and apologize and get her to rescind the 2 week notice. We cannot lose her." Ros muses and walks out.

I'm so completely in love with her. She's the most perfect human being.

**APOV**

Alarm bells ring loudly in my head as I leave Christian's office and run towards the elevators. They're taking to fucking long so I go to the fire stairs and run down to 18th and quickly make my way to the ladies room and try my best to stop crying and shivering.

Why does this keep happening? I am so exhausted. Why won't this stop? My body is still numb. I close my eyes but all I can see is this new wave of flashes. Flashes I've never seen before.

_A dark room... with a faint light golden light. Laugher and the smell of smoke and alcohol. So much alcohol. Being dragged around. His menacing green eyes as everything else blurs around me. I can't move. I feel heavy. The glimmer of a ruby. Red as blood. The glimmer of a ruby. Red as the purest blood._

I hear my phone ring and it's Christian. I can't talk to him right now. I set my phone to silent. I can't talk to anyone right now.

I take a deep breath and look at myself in the mirror. I'm a fucking mess. Eyeliner and mascara all smeared. I grab a few napkins and start to wipe it off of my face and wash it all off. A few minutes later I'm bare faced with just a hit of black around my eyes. I take out my travelling makeup kit and try to reapply. As I work to make myself look a little normal again, I hear the bathroom door open and see Ros walk towards me. Fuck, is she still going to want her pound of flesh. I can't give it to her. I have nothing to give.

"Ana, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push."

"Ros, please don't ask me to tell you what I said. I realize that I cannot stop you from getting the audio translated from the CCTV feed. All I ask is that you don't share it with anyone or talk to me about it. It's just... too painful. Please understand." I say unable to stop my voice from breaking and crying.

"I won't. I promise and... I'm sorry. I just wanted to thank you for putting yourself out there and getting us this deal. You did more than was asked for you and I want you to know how much we value you. You've proved yourself to be an irreplaceable asset to GEH. "

"I appreciate you saying that Ros but... this was just luck."

"Cut the shit Steele, I don't stand for women downplaying their accomplishments. This was all you."

I take a deep breath. "I appreciate you saying that."

"Do you have any lunch plans? We could go get some Italian and get our minds off of all this. I'll see if Gwen is free too." She smiles at me.

"That's really sweet of you but I think I'll just have lunch at my desk and get some work done. Focusing on work will help me."

"You can take the rest of the day, in fact I insist on it."

I smile at her. "No, I'm good. I'll be fine. Work helps plus, watching Jose lose his shit over me drinking beet juice is just the entertainment I need."

She lets out a laugh. "Yeah, watching him having a breakdown over trivial shit is definitely the highlight of my day."

After Ros leaves, I walk back to my desk looking down and trying to hide my face. As soon as I get there, I see Christian waiting. Fuck my life.

"How can I help you, Mr. Grey?" I say trying to maintain my professional voice in the presence of other employees walking by.

"You weren't picking up your phone."

"I was in the ladies room freshening up and then Ros found me there and we talked."

"Ana, I'm sorry..."

"It's not your fault and I'm fine. I think I just need to focus on work right now and forget about this morning. I don't want to dwell on it."

"I have an appointment with Flynn at 6:30 but you should take my slot. I can meet him tomorrow."

I close my eyes and try to think. Maybe I should try and meet with Flynn instead of letting this fester in my mind for a change.

"Can we meet after for a bit?" I look up at him and the look in his eyes makes me hate myself. There's the fucking pity. _Take a good look Grey, this is the fucking broken woman you love. _I tear my eyes away and look down again, gathering and organizing files.

"Of course we can. I'll wait in reception and we can go have dinner or whatever you want."

I nod. He lingers for a bit. I am not going to look up again, I cannot cry again. He walks away.

CG: You're the strongest woman, I know. I love you.

AS: I love you.

...

I get to Flynn's practice and it's beautiful. It's much like his home. Clean lines and modern furniture with warm color tones. It's inviting and I instantly feel at ease.

I still have 15 minutes till my appointment. Christian sits next to me but I don't say a word. I am so drained to even speak. I don't even know how I'll talk to Flynn. I just quietly stare at things and have my inner conversations with the millions of voice and thoughts rattling around my head. I can feel Christian look at me every now and then. He's probably thinking, _what the fuck have I gotten myself into?_

Thank god, I'm his last patient for the day and what a emotional rollercoaster of a patient to have to end the day with.

"Do you want me to come in with you?" Christian leans in whispering.

"It's not going to be pretty Christian."

He holds his hand out, signaling me to take it and I place it in his. They're soft and warm and... safe.

"We're in this together, Ana. It's not about it being pretty or whatever. If you want me to be there for you, then I will be."

I look at him. My eyes burn. "I'm really broken Christian."

"So am I. I guess we all are in some way." He says with his voice low. I nod and look away, willing my tears not to fall from my eyes.

Flynn calls for us and we both walk in.

"You look lovely Ana." John smiles at me after we exchange pleasantries.

I laugh a little. "I've already told you you're funny, John."

"This was more to get a rise of Christian, which is always funny." He chuckles and I can't help but laugh more. I look at Christian and he rolls his eyes.

**CPOV**

John asks Ana to describe what happened today. She goes on to explain that we had a negotiation meeting with the Rahman's and how she was brought in to translate to Mrs. Rahman outside of the deal and be a conduit of good will. She goes on to tell him that she wasn't entirely sure if she had met Akash before.

"When I introduced himself and I shook his hand I felt an extreme sense of dread. My body went numb. That only happens when Vishaal is near me, especially if he touches me. I have no memories of what happened to me but this morning...I... meeting Akash. It was a combination of his perfume, his laugh and seeing his pin that he wore on his jacket lapel that brought back some flashes. That fucking pin, the way it glimmered in the light, it just triggered something. I remembered him laughing, the smell of alcohol and being unable to move..." She stops and covers her eyes with her hands as her elbows rest on her knees. She tries to calm her breathing.

"At first it was just a feeling that I was violated. This... this is confirmation. I..." She immediately stands up and starts pacing. Taking deep breaths. It's fucking painful to watch. She tries to find her words and I can tell she's desperately trying to find control.

She clenches her fists and speaks, tears falling from her eyes. "They both did this to me. When I was growing up he used to tell me he loved me, he was my brother and I was his little sister and he swore he'd protect me, then how could he have done this me after all that I had been through? How could he put me in harms way like that and take away my choice. I was saving myself but my choice was stolen from me. My agency was stolen from me. And I have been so angry all these years. First because I could never remember and now... I have these flashes and...I can't breathe..." I see her trying to catch her breath but she's struggling and I get up but John beats me to it and walks to Ana.

"Ana, I want you to look at me. "

Ana looks to him "Give me your hands and repeat after me, we're going to count backwards. Okay? I want you to follow what I say."

Ana nods and John starts "15, 14, 13, 10..."

Ana looks at him confused and shakes her head "12, 11, 10... "

John smiles. He does this a couple of more times till Ana feels a little more calm and then he walks her to the couch to sit again.

They go on to talk about the episode with the hip pain and how she was able to take over the meeting and stand up to Akash.

"When I'm in a situation that is not ideal for me, self-preservation is paramount. There are times when I've not been able to control myself and I shut down but this morning, I was just so fucking angry. I wanted to murder him. I had two options, I could either runaway or face it. I chose to confront him in front of Christian and the other GEH employees in hindi because if I had spoken in English then I would've broken down because I knew they'd realize what was happening and I didn't want that look of pity. I already see it in Christian's eyes and... I just hate when everyone looks at me like that. It's one of the reasons why I got out of SF. "

"Tell me about that. Why are you so concerned with what everyone else is thinking."

"I don't know. I always have been. I've just always thought, if I was the good girl, did everything right, I'd get my reward in the end. I'd be safe and wanted. I did well in school, I read, I learned new things, I learned the language, I did everything to be the good daughter, grand daughter, cousin, sibling, friend... even now... the good employee, girlfriend and I am so fucking exhausted. I tried to educate myself and then after the accident, I was determined to recover and be worthy of all the money and time they spent on me but mentally, I never progressed.

I had no friends for 3 years and I lost touch with my life in Montesano. I had no friends that were my own age. Socially, I wasn't progressing. I was just becoming this little submissive girl who was in the confines of 4 walls and had no spark, no personality. I was just quiet all the time... so I did whatever I had to, to recover and get the fuck out of SF. Then... right as I was about to leave, I was yanked down to the ground and beaten... some fucking reward. Since then I've done everything I could to hide the fact of how broken I feel all the time. For the longest time, Kate was the only person who knew everything but she built me up and helped me find who I used to be. I found my spark again and now... I feel like I'm barely holding on sometimes."

She looks down to the carpet. She's no longer crying. She's angry. Seething.

"Ana, have you ever tried telling your mother?"

She looks up. "No. My own biological mother didn't fight for me, I'm sure as hell not going to test that theory with a woman who I don't share an ounce of blood with and whose family has spent so much money on me. John, are you at all familiar with south Asian families and their traditions?"

"I know that they are complex, just like any family."

Ana rolls her eyes and laughs. "That's putting it mildly. No John, they are complex and toxic and oppressively patriarchal and when you add billions of dollars into the mix then my friend, that is what we call a clusterfuck." She laughs deliriously and I see tears start to fall again.

"Vishaal, runs that family. Everyone worships him. He is my mother's favorite nephew. If I were to even hint at the fact of impropriety, it is game over for me. He'll spin it around to make it look like I'm the gold digging whore. Besides, I have no proof."

"Ana, this is fucking ridiculous." I say. I'm so close to losing it. I can't bear to see her in this pain.

She looks to me. "Christian, if a woman accused you of rape, doesn't matter if it's true or not but she has no proof. With your shark like legal and PR team, just what would you do to her? Would you not bury her in the ground? Her life would be ruined. You would be unscathed but she would be ruined. Again, doesn't matter if it's true or not. Women barely ever survive. Now what do you think he would do to me? He has the backing of not only AHAK but KGI too, we're talking about a 21 billion dollar empire coming after me. My father's name would be dragged through the mud, so would my grandfather's. I can't do that, I'd rather die than do that. They would take everything away from me. My family, my sanity... everything. Right now, I have my life in Seattle, I have a small escape."

I look away. I know what she means. I know it and it fucking sickens me. There has to be something I can do.

...

"Baby, come back with me to Escala, Gail made dinner. You need to eat something."

"I don't want to go to Escala. Please don't ask me, not after today. I can't handle going back there right now." She takes a deep breath.

Fuck. For a second, I had forgotten what going back there would mean for her.

"Do you have food at home?"

"Yeah, I have leftovers from what Mia and made yesterday." She looks out of the window and I can see how tired she is.

We get to her apartment building and she tries to protest my coming up but I'm not having it.

"I know you're going to just go to bed and not eat anything. I know you. I am going to make sure you eat." I say.

She looks up at me with a scowl and jumps out of the car. I follow her and she doesn't say a word to me. She can be pissed all she wants but I don't give a fuck.

We get into the apartment and she tells me she's going to take a quick shower and will be right out and that I should help myself to a beer or whatever other alcoholic beverages Kate and Elliot have stocked in the fridge. I don't trust Elliot's choice in wine for shit so I go for the beer.

She walks out in her pajamas that have flowers on them with a dark green graphic tee. Her hair is up in a bun and she looks mad as hell. She looks adorable and terrifying.

"Why are you so mad?"

"Why do you care?"

"Because I love you." I say teasingly.

"Don't get cute with me, Grey, I'm not in the mood." She says as she takes out the contents of last night's leftovers from the fridge.

"So you think I can be cute."

She looks at me. "Listen, don't piss me off right now. I'm serious. I've had the day from hell and I am just..."

"Hangry, you're hangry. Just say it Ana." I smirk.

She picks up kitchen rag and throws it in my direction.

"I hate you right now." She says trying to stop herself from laughing.

We sit on the bar stools and eat leftovers from yesterday. Once we're done she takes our dishes and cleans up. She's still thinking. Her face is tense. We barely talked during dinner. Her mind is overdrive.

"You need to sleep." I tell her.

She looks up to me. "I'm sorry, I didn't ask you what I do or don't need."

"I don't care. Get into bed."

"This is my apartment and I can do whatever the fuck I want." She walks to get something from the table. I stand in front of her and she looks up at me pissed off. I kneel down and throw her over my shoulder and make my way to the bedroom.

She screams "Christian, you asshole." And slaps my ass, hard... fuck she can really lay one and now I'm turned on. Fuck.

"Did you just fucking spank my ass?" I growl.

"It sure as hell wasn't Charlie Hunnam's ass, so yeah it was yours." She giggles.

"Who the fuck is that?"

"A guy I kinda like." She laughs.

I get to her bed, remove the duvet and slide her down off of me. She still looks pissed but I smile at her and she rolls her eyes at me and gets into bed. I go to lock her door, I quickly take off strip down to my boxers.

"I'm sorry, what do you think you're doing?"

"Making sure you sleep tonight."

"No you're not. After you manhandled me, I don't like you or your photoshopped body right now."

"Admit it, you love this photoshopped body." I smirk.

She rolls her eyes. "Whatever, just shut up and get into bed, I'm tired."

I get in and pull her to me and kiss her neck, holding her tight.

"I love you, Ana."

She starts to sob. "I fucked up, Christian."

"What do you mean?"

"They both will come after me now."

"No they won't and if they do, I'll bury them."

She takes a shuddering breath. "Christian, you have your business to worry about, this is all a distraction that will take you away from all that you've built. It's not worth it."

I turn her face to me and kiss her deeply. "Listen to me, they are never going to hurt you again. They will never lay a hand on you. I will fucking kill them."

She closes her eyes. "They won't cause me bodily harm Christian, he's too clever for that now."

She turns away and I hear her quietly cry. I hold her close to me and plant soft kisses on her neck and cheek till she falls asleep.

* * *

**Authors note:** Eager to hear your thoughts my fanfic familia

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out the chapter 25-27 board :)


	29. Chapter 29

ATTENTION PEOPLE, WORD ON THE STREET IS THAT TWO LOVEBIRDS ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER. RELEASE THE LEMONS. haha. They'll be more good stuff in the next chapter.

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Chapter 29_ \- I'm never gonna say goodbye._

_Friday, January 31st, 2020_

**CPOV**

Ana barely slept on Wednesday night. She woke up a few times during the night. Twice from a nightmare and the once I felt her crying. I tried my best to soothe her. She wasn't the same person she normally was while getting ready in the morning. She played no music. Her eyes were empty. I saw her on the CCTV and she remained at her desk the entire day and worked late.

I'm at my desk going over documents for the new defense contract we're bidding for when Andrea calls. "Mr. Grey, Miss Steele is here to see you. She says it's urgent. You also have a meeting in 20 minutes with marketing and legal."

"That's fine Andrea, let Miss Steele through, if we run longer, tell the others to wait a bit."

Ana walks in and she's furious I can tell, she has an envelope in her hand.

She stops at my desk and proceeds to speak as calmly as she can but her words are packing a punch.

"I just got a call from my bank that GEH was trying to direct deposit $1 million dollars into my account. Care to explain?" She raises her eyebrow.

"Ana, what are you talking about?" I'm about to lose my shit now.

"There was that call from my bank and a boiler plate letter with your signature at my desk about how GEH values me. I don't need your money, God, what is it with you billionaires. Fucking throwing money at everything. MONEY is not going to fix ANYTHING." She seethes.

Wait, what? When did that happened? I look at her confused. "Are you honestly going to sit there feigning confusion? Do you really not know what goes on in your company who authorizes decisions like that?"

I get up and walk to her and stand in her face, I'm so fucking pissed at her right now. "Listen to me Anastasia, I really don't know how that happened but I suspect it was Ros, on Wednesday she did mention something along the lines of perhaps giving you a promotion and making sure you were taken care of, I didn't know she'd do it so quickly. She's the COO, she has carte blanche on decision like that."

"Tell me, would you guys give any other employee a bonus like that?"

"No other employee has been able to achieve what you have, Ana."

Ana looks away. She's slightly shivering; I can tell her she's just as mad as I am. "I can't continue to work here anymore, I'm exhausted. It's just fucking painful and I am trying to move past everything." Her voice cracks.

"Maybe if you weren't so fucking good at your job and didn't have this whole company and staff wrapped around your finger, we wouldn't be dealing with this." I bite back.

She looks back to me and falls into a fit of laughter followed by tears. I have to laugh as well. I hold her face in my hands as tears fall. "Baby, the money comes with good intention only. Ros was so fucking impressed with you. Heck, I was fucking terrified and turned on at the same time, the way you commanded that room and the deal you got us, no one could ever hold a candle to you. What GEH is giving you is a drop in the bucket compared to what you've done for us in a few short months. There's never been an employee like you. Take the money, pay off your student loans, buy that apartment you wanted, do whatever your heart desires, you deserve all that and so much more. You earned this through your hard work and incomparable intelligence." I kiss her forehead, still holding her face. I've missed her smell, the feel and taste of her skin. It's never enough.

She quietly nods. "I need to go." Ana turns to leave, tears still in her eyes.

"I'll see you tonight?" I ask her.

"Yeah I'll be there." She says with a small voice. "I love you, Ana." I call out to her. She looks back crying "I love you, Christian" her voice is lighter than a whisper and then leaves.

...

I've asked Gail to help with the dinner this evening. We had a conference call with Ana on Thursday morning and she instructed us on what to order and from where. She's recreating a bit of the menu from Kiran's Sangeet and I know it'll be spectacular, just as she is.

I choose to wear the same outfit I wore on the introductory lunch at the wedding, a deep blue suit with a cream-colored shirt and leather slip-ons. I want Ana to see me as she did when we fell in love, familiar and safe; I want her back so badly. It's a fucking rainstorm outside and it'll really killing the mood but it's fucking Seattle and it's not a Friday night unless it's a torrential downpour.

Ros, Gwen and Travis along with this wife Sandra arrive at Escala an hour before the Rahman's are due to arrive so that we can go over social graces and general topics of conversations we can and can't talk about. Ana is supposed to instruct us but she's running a few minutes late. I finish pouring wine for everyone except Gwen who goes for lemon flavored sparkling water. The elevator pings and we hear Ana's laughter as she walks in with Taylor and Sawyer who are smiling and carrying a floral centerpiece and other floral accouterments.

Ana walks into the great room heading towards the kitchen where we're all standing, coat in hand holding a tote bag.

She looks drop dead gorgeous, wearing a plain black saree, with a black blouse that's heavily embroidered in pale pinks and greens. A thin belt with a brass buckle ties the ensemble together. She looks so fucking hot. I can't stop staring at her as she walks, her heels echoing through the entire apartment. Her hair is pin straight with a middle part, eyeliner with powder pink cheeks, and natural lips. None of us deserve her.

Our eyes lock but she looks away to everyone else and smiles brightly.

"Good evening everyone!" she looks back to Taylor and Sawyer thanking them for all their help and asks them to place the floral centerpieces on the dining table and that she'll come by momentarily to set it up.

"Holy shit Steele, you don't play!" Ros exclaims and Ana hugs her and Gwen.

"Thanks Ros, you and Gwen look so beautiful! How are you doing Gwen, almost at the finish line? You got this mama!" She looks to Gwen with love.

"God Ana, I'm so ready to be done." She whines "Well I've got a treat for you!" She takes out a small box of cookies from the tote bag and hands it to Gwen and gives her wink "Ana you're a godsend, I'm so ready to divorce Ros for you right now." Ana giggles.

"Hi Mr. Travis, hi Sandra, it's so good to see you again." She smiles. "Ana, you can call me Michael, stop making sound like a old man!" She laughs and they exchange some more pleasantries.

She looks to me. "Mr. Grey, thank you for hosting this dinner." I'm momentarily lost and look to recover myself. "Thank you for agreeing to join us and please, call me Christian." She gives me a small smile and walks around the kitchen counter. I introduce her to Gail as if it were for the first time and they both take it in stride as she looks to unload the contents of the tote bag.

"What you got there Ana?" Ros asks.

"I brought some Indian sweets for dessert and Kashmiri tea for after dinner. I know for a fact that Mrs. Rahman will appreciate this, it'll remind her of home." She smiles back. It reminds me of the Sangeet and I literally want to take her right now.

After a taking out all the contents of her bag and placing them neatly aside for later, she goes to join Gail to help set up the floral arrangements and look over the ordered food. The flower arrangements she's ordered are absolutely beautiful. She's added such a touch of elegance to the whole evening, making everyone feel so cherished and special. I want her in my life for forever and I wish she'd come back to me.

Mrs. Rahman and family arrive. They are immediately all taken with Ana and excited that she too chose to wore Indian clothes to honor them. So far the night is off to a great start. Mrs. Rahman's older son, Hasan and his wife have a 9 month old baby boy, he is smitten with Ana and doesn't leave her lap as we all sit down for dinner. She's eating it up. Kissing him and playing with them, telling his parents that she's never giving him back. They love the adoration she's showing their baby.

"You know Hasan Bhai, your son is quite the flirt. Didn't even buy me dinner and is stuck to me like glue."

Hasan lets out a laugh. "Like father like son." He looks to his wife Mina and winks. "Ignore him Aana, don't worry, I'll teach Ayaan some manners, I promise." She giggles.

Mrs. Rahman's daughter Resham has brought her husband, Jonathan, who works at a hedge fund. Resham is six months pregnant. Gwen, Ros and Resham strike up quite the conversation and compare notes on their pregnancy journey.

Hasan and I talk about his latest study and his start in the field of neuroscience. I find it fascinating. Ana otherwise holds the room even with a demanding baby in tow.

After dinner we head over to the couches by the fireplace. Ana gives the baby back to his parents for a bit as she escorts Mrs. Rahman to the library to find her a spot to pray. When she returns, the baby starts to get cranky and starts wailing since it's nearing his bedtime but the only way he'll sleep is if his grandmother will sing to him. Ana offers to try knowing that Mrs. Rahman will at least be another 20 minutes with the evening prayer.

She picks up the baby and showers his faces with kisses rocking him. She walks away to the windows while he's still crying and starts singing to him, he slowly starts to quiet down and nestles his head in her neck while sucking his thumb. She walks back and forth, swaying him and singing and humming in the most angelic voice. We all watch her in awe. Her voice is low but it carries through the great room and echoes.

_When I fall asleep, I feel you with me._

_When I fall asleep, I feel you with me._

_When I fall asleep, I feel you with me._

_Till I fall asleep and you are with me._

_30 days and counting, I'm going to sleep when,_

_I wake up, there will be me 29 more days left_

_When I fall asleep, I feel you with me._

_When I fall asleep, I feel you with me._

_When I fall asleep, I feel you with me._

_Till I fall asleep and you are with me._

By the time she's done, the baby is asleep but she keeps walking and rocking him giving him light kisses on his temple as she heads back to where we're seated and having a drink.

"Thanks so much Ana, he can be really a pain sometimes, he hates it when we try to sing." Hasan tells her.

"Oh please, don't mention it, he's just tired and needed some attention; I do this with Raniapa's daughter all the time and I've been missing her so this is the next best thing." She whispers back, slowly swaying with him. Mrs. Rahman walks back in after praying and places her hand on Ana's face thanking her for treating her grandson with such love. She blushes under the praise.

"Ana, we're totally hiring you once the baby comes." Gwen declares. Ana giggles. "Deal! I can't wait to meet her!"

I can't stop staring at her. I want to be with her forever.

Ana gently transfers the baby boy to where Mrs. Rahman is seated and goes off to get tea and dessert with the help of Gail. After a while, I go to check on their status and I hear Gail talking to Ana.

"Miss Steele, how are you doing, really?" She asks with motherly concern.

"I'm just so exhausted and heartbroken Mrs. Jones." Her voice cracks. She picks up the tea cup and giggles, "Of course he has his own monogrammed china... narcissistic freak." Mrs. Jones laughs a little, "He loves you so much, Miss Steele." She puts her hand on her shoulder and Ana leans in to hug her. I walk in and Ana immediately pulls away and turns her body away as for me not to see her.

"Is there anything I can help with, ladies?" I ask, trying to break the tension. Gail gives me a knowing smile. "We're fine here Mr. Grey, Miss Steele and I will be right out."

I return to the couches with a heavy heart, wishing I could heal her and take away all her pain.

Ana and Mrs. Jones return a little while later carrying trays. "Tea and dessert time!" Ana giggles. Her eyes are red and I ache to kiss her.

She kneels on the floor at the coffee table and starts to pour tea for everyone one by one asking if they'd prefer sugar or salt, Mrs. Rahman chimes in and explains the origin of tea and how it's a winter delicacy.

She finally gets to me and asks "Salt or sugar?" her face completely impassive. "Sugar please." I say with a smile. She pours the tea, adds some sugar and hands it to me across the table. Our fingers touch, there's that charge... if she feels it she gives nothing away. This has never happened. A woman has never been able to resist me and here Ana doesn't falter for even a second. She's always in control. She has more control than me and it terrifies me.

Ana remains kneeling on the floor as she talks to Mrs. Rahman, they talk animatedly in Hindi and suddenly start singing to each other and laughing as they do.

"Oh God, this is how is starts!" Hasan laughs. "What are they singing?" I ask. "It appears my mom and Ana share the same taste in old Bollywood music. The song they're singing is an old love song." Hasan tells us. "Could you translate it for us?" Ros asks.

"Sure, it's roughly translates to 'go wherever you may want to go, your eyes will still return to find me. My voice will travel far and wide after you' It's basically a stalker song If you ask me." Hasan chuckles.

"I heard that!" Ana looks back at us deadpan and we all end up laughing.

Soon, the Rahmans' and Travis' get up to leave for the night, followed shortly by Ros and Gwen. Ana and Gwen animatedly talk about everything baby as we walk them to the elevator, Gwen suddenly pulls Ana's hand and places it on her belly. Ana gets gasps and teary-eyed "Oh god, she kicked. That is so beautiful Gwen. This feeling never gets old for me!"

She leans down to speak to Gwen's belly "Hi baby girl, I'm Ana, I can't wait to meet you."

Gwen smiles. "every time you spoke she moved. Every time I eat those amazing cookies, this demon sleeps through the night. Please make me enough to last forever!" Gwen pleads. Ana gives her the biggest hug. "Consider it done. I'll make you another batch for Monday and give them to Ros at work."

Gwen beams "THANK YOU, also let's get lunch sometime or better yet, come by our apartment, we'll binge on the new season of Insatiable!" Ana laughs and agrees.

Ana and I see wave them off to the elevator and as soon as the doors close, she turns away and walks over to pick up the dishes and take them to the kitchen. She's trying her best to avoid me as I try and help.

"Christian, please, I can do this. Go to sleep. I will clean this up as best as I can and then I'll head out."

"Just leave it Ana, Gail will take care of it in the morning."

"It's the weekend. She has enough of your shit to deal with I imagine, I'm not leaving her a dirty kitchen, the least I can do is clean up a bit after myself."

"Why are you so fucking thoughtful and stubborn?"

"How about you just stop thinking about why I am the way I am. Just leave me alone. Go focus on something or_ someone_ you can actually control." She stares at me with anger and her words cut me.

I'm so fucking pissed right now. What the fuck is her problem? Is she still pissed about the money? Fuck.

I walk away as she puts the food away and empties out the tea cups; neatly arranging them outside of the sink to be washed in the morning. I look back at her from the piano and she looks so beautiful, fully concentrating on the task at hand.

I decide to try one last thing. I have no idea if she will respond. I sit at the piano and start to play a song that I heard in her main spotify playlist she shares with everyone.

_I never could admit when I was wrong, man  
Even when I felt it in my bones  
I always thought it meant I was a strong man  
And I wondered why I was alone_

_That's when she stepped out of the ether  
Right when I was ready for a dance  
She said "I don't know what I am doing, either  
_

_But I know when to take a chance"_

_I never knew how to be scared  
'Til I found something I knew I couldn't lose  
And then a revelation trembled  
From the tip of my own tongue_

_And like the last few boys at the Alamo  
Like Cusack holding that stereo  
Or what Juliet hears from Romeo  
I'm never gonna say goodbye_

_There's not a way to someone's heart that she can't see  
She lives and loves with everything she's got  
My dark days showed me how to ask, "why me?"  
She showed me how to ask, "why not?"_

_She keeps a hopeful eye upon the future  
She finds a way to share that hope with me  
And the few times that she's met some sort of failure  
She wins a little back by laughing at defeat_

_I never knew what life could be  
So it stands to reason why I can't go back  
And now a revelation trembles  
From the bottom of my heart_

_And like the stock exchange for the billionaires  
Like the convert singing his morning prayers  
Or the scientist to the polar bear  
I'm never gonna say goodbye_

_Like those last few boys at the Alamo  
Like Cusack holding that stereo  
Or what Juliet hears from Romeo_

I can feel my voice about to crack as I reach the end.

_I'm never gonna say  
Don't make me say  
I'm never gonna say goodbye._

I finish and bow my head down. "You sing so beautifully Christian." Ana whispers from behind me. She's still kept a distance.

I turn back with my tears in my eyes and see her standing with her head hanging low, she's crying. I walk up to her and hold her face in my hands "Please don't make me say goodbye baby, please."

"What do you want from me Christian?" She asks, still looking down.

"I want your forgiveness, a second chance. Ana, I have only belonged to you. My heart, my soul has only been yours. It had been waiting for you. No one else matters. Please. I want us to go back to how we were."

She pulls away. "We can't go back to the way we were. It will never be the same. I'm scared. I am so scared and confused. I am barely holding on. Something keeps coming up. I have been trying so hard to come back but I keep hitting roadblocks and this is all when the world doesn't even know about us. What happens when everyone knows? Being back here right now. In the space, is painful for me, because I can only see a replay of that night in my mind and what I saw in that room. It was so hard for me to get through this dinner. I wanted to cry the entire time so I focused on Hasan and Mina's baby to get me through it but I am fucking pissed off right now.

You lied to me. You lied to me by not telling me something that affected my present and future. That put me in danger and it landed me in the hospital and led me to the dock that night. What the fuck happens if we decide to get back together and announce to the world? Then what? Will all these subs come out of the woodwork to punish you and tear me down with their dramatic tell alls? Don't you see, I lose in every situation, whether the loss is immediate or eventual, I lose. I have been losing since I was born." She's crying, half screaming at me, she looks so broken.

"Ana you said you wouldn't leave me."

"No Christian, you've pushed me away with your behavior and lack of trust. Had you told me all of this on your own rather than waiting for that sick bitch to come in here and tear me down with that unimpressed look and tell you that you'll eventually get tired of me, we would be having very different conversation right now. It astounds me that a man of your success lacks the gift of foresight in his personal life. You did NOTHING to protect me from that. You have kept me at arms length since we met. You said you needed time to tell me things and I agreed because I know trauma but now I'm out of emotional allowances. After a while that lifestyle was all your choice and that fact that you chose to hide it from me means on some deep level you were ashamed of it all. I have voluntarily told you all that I can about me. Because you're the first person since Kate that I actually want to tell everything... but it's never been reciprocated and that fucking hurts.

I have enough shit going on with my family and now to have your past come to haunt me and tear me down... people will still worship you and line up to have you whip them. Me? I'm just going to be someone they chew up and spit out for kicks. I'm all alone in the world with no bloodline to protect me. I am on my own and I'm done. So fucking done. I'm at a point where I'd rather die of heartbreak once and for all than die a little everyday for the rest of my life."

Tears continue to fall from my eyes; I can barely see her through them. Take a step towards her and fall to my knees and look up, begging. "Ana I'll do whatever it takes, please. I just need a second chance. I promise baby, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I will never lie to you again and I'll tell you everything you want to know."

She looks down in horror and cups my face in her hands. "Christian please, don't do this. Please." She drops down to her knees, crying. I take her hand and place it on my chest, I need her to know I am dead serious about this. She tries to pull her hands away but I don't let her.

"No, I only need you and your touch. I am all yours, so completely yours." I move to open my shirt and take her hand and place it on my bare chest. I close my eyes as I do so, willing myself to not feel the pain. "Christian!" she pleads crying. She pulls her hands away and throws her arms around my neck, crying uncontrollably. We hold each other. Her breathing calms down and she pulls back to look me in the eyes, I lean in to kiss her. Her lips are always so soft and warm when she's been crying. She kisses me back and our tongues explore each other, as if to apologize and make up for lost time. I get up from my knees and lift her up in my arms and walk her to the bedroom.

I set her down on the floor and she helps me take off her sari. I look at her, face illuminated by the soft glow of the city lights, standing in her black bra and panties, I take them off slowly and drop to my knees to worship her, I kiss her and lick her between her legs as her hands in my hair, pulling me back and pushing me in but she breaks the rhythm. She pulls me up and our lips find each other again. She takes off my jacket and shirt and unzips my pants and runs her hand inside of my boxers to stroke me. I've been dying to have her touch me again. "Ana baby, it's been forever, don't stop." She continues to kiss me and touch me as we moan into each other's mouths; I take her hand off of me and walk her to the bed as we continue to kiss.

I lay her down and trail kisses from lips down to her neck and finally land on her breasts. I've missed them so fucking much. I kiss and suck on them, biting every so often. She begs me to stop but I continue on. She's completely drenched as I play with her clit and she is so gloriously close. Her moans are louder and more urgent.

"Give yourself to me baby" I whisper and she comes loudly, screaming my name as I kiss her between her legs, making it more intense. It makes her arch even more and she's so beautiful this way.

I take off my pants and trail kisses up her hip and side to her breasts, heading further up to her neck. She has her eyes closed trying to calm her breathing. I kiss her lips, cheeks and eyes as I look down on her. She opens her eyes; face tear stained, and holds my face as she adjusts her body under me, throwing her legs around me, urging me.

"Ana baby, I need you so much, so fucking much." I say as I kiss her. "Love me Christian, show me how much you love me." I enter her slow, and take her mouth. My hands in hers, our fingers locked in each other as I thrust into her. It doesn't take too long till we're close. I bite her neck right under her ear and she gasps and comes around me, crying and screaming and I follow immediately "Ana baby... I love you..." It's so fucking intense.

**APOV**

This was not supposed to happen. I was supposed to be home and in my own bed. What the fuck am I doing? Why do I love him so much? Why do I fear him? I hate feeling like this.

This was so incredibly intense. I needed this release so badly. My body needs him. We lay in silence, breathing. His head is in my neck and he suddenly raises himself up and looks down at me, one hand holding my face at his thumb traces shapes on my cheek.

"You have such a beautiful voice and you've been hiding it from me." I say, tracing his lips.

He smiles "I'm nothing in front of you."

Tears come to my eyes and he softly kisses my lips. He pulls away and hovers over my lips, looking into my eyes. "You're everything to me Ana. I am nothing without you."

I can't help it as I throw my arms around him and cry into his neck, a loud and cathartic cry. He holds on to me for life and kisses my temple as he runs his hand in my hair.

As my crying fit subsides, he kisses my forehead and pulls me back so that we're face to face. Legs entwined as he runs his hands all over me.

"I've missed you so much. It was agony not being able to talk to you all the time, to touch you or kiss you whenever I wanted to. There were times during the day at GEH when I'd almost head down to 18th to kiss the living shit out of you but I knew you'd murder me." He says in complete seriousness.

I burst out laughing and fall into a fit. He chuckles softly and kisses my neck.

"Something amusing you Miss Steele?"

"Yes Mr. Grey, your fear of me is amusing and dare I say quite the confidence booster." I say trying to calm my laughing spell.

"Seriously though, whenever we met with Ros... you looked so beautiful, sophisticated and the way you held the conversation and the advice you gave, we'd all be so floored."

"Well, during the HR meeting, which, admit it... was such a dick move... I was angry at you Christian, I had to turn off my emotions. It's like what I said with Flynn, when I'm in a situation that isn't ideal for me, self-preservation is paramount and I will do whatever I need to do to get through it, which usually means my becoming a grade A bitch even if I'm smiling."

"Well it turned me on and put the fear of God into me all at the same time. Even after the meeting on Wednesday, Ros turned to me and said she was in love with you and now it turns out Gwen's also in love with you, you're a home wrecker, Ana." he teases.

"I'm glad I can provide so much entertainment at GEH." I roll my eyes.

"Did you just roll your eyes at me?"

"I did, and I will continue to do so, so deal with it." I giggle.

"I've missed that smart mouth and that sound." He moves to kiss me and trails more kisses down to my neck, "I've missed the feel and taste of your skin." He moves to my breasts to lick and suck on them. It throws me into a tailspin of emotions as I can't help but moan, I'm so turned on right now. Asshole knows how to work my body. I smile at the thought. I'm completely his and he is mine.

He raises head back to me. "Thank you for everything with the Rahman deal baby. You are a godsend; you have brought light to every facet in my life and made it come alive even at your own expense and I owe you everything I have for it. The way you hosted this dinner... whether it's a 10 person dinner or a 250 person wedding you make everyone feel like so cherished. You looked so beautiful tonight, you're the epitome of class and sophistication, when you walked out of the elevator I almost dropped the bottle of champagne I was so lost." He strokes my cheek and I try not to get lost in his eyes but I fail.

"Seeing you with Mrs. Rahman's grandson was the most beautiful thing, how you just took over and attended to his needs, giving his parents a break, how you sang him to sleep..." his voice cracks "I wish my birth mother had shown me that kind of love, I wish I had let Grace show me that kind of love. She did it with Mia, but I was always afraid, I didn't want to get hurt." He takes my hand and places it on his heart, skin to skin and I feel my eyes burn with tears. "You're everything I never knew I needed in this life, the realization of my deepest desires that I had suppressed. I completely isolated myself and now you're showing me all the possibilities. I am forever in your debt Ana, I will love you, worship you and protect you till my dying breath." He promises me with tears in his eyes, as if he were saying his vows. I move in close to kiss him. We get lost in each other again, lying face to face and he pushes inside of me, taking me higher and higher into a state of bliss. Our bodies perfectly in sync, it gets better each time.

**CPOV**

I wake up and it's still dark out. I turn and see Ana's not in bed. Did she leave? Fuck, no. Please no. I get up from the bed and see her sari is still crumpled on the floor by the door. She's definitely still here. I go into the bathroom and it's empty. I walk out to the great room and it's dark and empty but I hear the faint sounds of talking and... crying? FUCK.

I follow the sound and it leads me to the library. I see Ana curled up in the chair with her phone propped on the window sill as she facetimes with Nani. She's wearing my shirt from last night; she looks so beautiful sitting in profile, her head leaning on her knee as she stares into the phone. I hear Nani speak English for a change and I'm stunned, she sounds incredibly educated and sophisticated, a hybrid british accent, is this a thing among the older Indian women I wonder, who only speak their language on purpose to keep the rest of us guessing. I stand at the threshold to listen and watch.

"Aana, baita, remember what Allah says about Mawaddah and Rehma?" Aren't those Arabic words, I wonder? I know very basic conversational Arabic, I had to learn when we were working to land a deal in Abu Dhabi 3 years ago, which we barely got.

"Nani, he is not my husband, those concepts only apply to marriage. I do not owe him Mawaddah. _Affection_. and Rehma._ Mercy_."

"But you love him like one, don't you? You are happiest when you are with him? You see your life with him I know you do."

"We just met Nani, I don't even know if marriage is in the picture. It's all so new... I just don't know. And he's the first guy I've ever been with..." Ana's voice cracks.

"If it wasn't meant to be then it wouldn't hurt like the end of the world meri jaan." _My love_. Nani says knowingly.

"He lied to me... I can't explain it but I'm just scared. I don't want to get hurt. I'm tired of being hurt all the time." Her words are like a knife in my heart, she fears me when that's the opposite of what I want and intend to have her feel.

"Everybody lies even if it's to protect those we love, you think your Nana never hurt me? He fathered a child outside of our marriage and it was a mistake he apologized for till his dying day. We hurt the ones we love and if we didn't our relationships would never grow, we would never understand each other better. It hurts to grow baita. When a baby learns to walk, they must fall and cry many times to grow strong and develop their intuition. You two are learning to walk and you have to fall to grow stronger. Do you not want to be strong?"

Ana just sobs in return. The confessional floors me.

"I have lived a long life meri jaan, I know how men look at women, I can tell by their walk and how they touch a woman of their intentions. Christian loves you like no other. They way he danced with you; he was so gentle and happy to be with you. I have only seen a few men do that. Your father did that for Nita. They way he said her name, and smiled at her, wasn't it so beautiful? You must trust me when I say that Christian is that for you."

"I don't believe in forgiveness Nani, it doesn't change anything, the person still did what they did. It's another chance to let someone hurt you."

"But you believe in Rehma, in mercy? Do you believe in Allah's mercy? If He can forgive the most egregious of sins, who are we to deny others mercy. We are not perfect, you too will falter, it is only a matter of time. Even with the best of intentions Aana you will make mistakes and Christian will forgive you because he loves you." I can feel my eyes burn with tears again.

"So what then, you want me to forgive Vishaal and Akash as well for what they did to me? Show them mercy as you say? " Ana bites back. Shit. Fuck. FUCK, I am going to murder them both.

"They are of no consequence anymore. They are not worth your time. Your life is moving forward. Christian is your future, only he deserves your Mawaddah and Rehma".

"Are you saying you approve of my life of living in sin?" Ana giggles.

"It's not a sin to be in love but it is a sin to deny yourself God's blessings. Let go of the past and look to the future. We only have one life, sometimes it is very long and sometimes it is very short, whatever is meant for you both, make it worthwhile. Make more memories than regrets, meri jaan. I have seen you grow from slipping away and almost leaving this world to being so full of life and celebrating everything around you. I want the latter for you always. I don't want to leave this world knowing you did not find happiness and love." Nani starts to cry and it's gut wrenching.

"Please don't cry Nani. Please come back soon. I'm going to come over for a weekend next month when you are back. We'll go to Sedona and stay at a spa resort. I got a raise recently so I can finally afford for us to do something fancy. I'm a big girl now!" Ana giggles and she sounds so fucking adorable.

"No need for spa time. Just bring Christian with you and we can go out for dinner, I want to meet and get to know the man who is going to take care of my jaan and give me my great grand babies." She says with a smile.

"Okay hold your horses. We just met. I'll see how things are by then." She says quietly.

"They will be good InshaAllah." Nani says, matter of factly.

"InshaAllah." Ana replies.

"Now go to sleep, I know it's late there. Tell Christian I said hello and Aana baita, let life happen, as long as you both talk out your fears and desires and give our self the time and space to understand each other then you can get through anything. If I could have still tolerated your Nana after all this time, surely you can try to move past this." She laughs.

"I will try Nani, thank you for talking to me. I miss you so much these days." Ana's voice cracks again.

"I will back soon, InshaAllah. Sada khush raho meri jaan, Khuda Hafiz." She says

_(with god's grace, may you always be happy my love)_

"InshaAllah, I love you, Khuda hafiz." _In god's protection_. Ana says and hangs up the phone. She continues to sob with face in her hands. I want to so desperately to hold her but I need to give her space and privacy. I don't want to hover over her. She picks up her phone off of the sill and goes through it. She starts to play a video and I can Ray's voice, she's watching a video about Ray teaching her how to ride a bike from the sounds of it. A warm light from the phone illuminates her face.

"Annie, you got this baby girl, remember, trust yourself, you can do anything. You're my girl of Steele."

I can hear Ana as she giggles and whines in the video "I'm trying dad but you need to buy me ice-cream after this."

I see her wipe tears from her face and laugh. My heart aches for her. I turn to walk back to the bedroom and lie back down. I lay awake, waiting for her to return. She comes back after a while and I hear her pick up her sari from the floor and place it on the chair after folding it. She climbs into the bed and clings to the edge pulling the duvet over her, the distance is too much. I pull her close to me, her back to my front. I turn her face to me and she looks up with tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry Ana, I love you."

"I'm sorry too and I love you, Christian." she says as her voice cracks and she turns her face away. I hold her tight and kiss her neck till we fall asleep.

(to be continued)

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**Authors note:** They're back together and I promise they'll have a good weekend but there is still the topic of the playroom that has to be addressed...

A few notes:

First off, NANI COMING IN FOR THE RESCUE. Mawaddah means affection and Rehma means mercy. These are islamic concepts that apply to marriage that it is your responsibbility to show your spouse affection and mercy because they deserve it. Every good marriage has an abundance of both.

Meri jaan means my love

baita means child.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out the chapter 25-27-28-29 board :)

**Music: **

And Counting... - Lights

Never Gonna Say Goodbye - Dawes.


	30. Chapter 30

A few notes in responses to the reviews in general.

Yes Ana is a bawse ass bitch for what she did in the negotiations. However, Akash never verbally admitted to what he did. Facial expressions aren't admission enough. Besides, both parties signed an NDA before negotiations began... Mrs. Rahman asking for Ana's forgiveness isn't admission enough for prosecution. Both parties are legally not allowed to share what happened in that room. However, I think we can all guess who Akash might have run to after her left the meeting.

Ana spoke in Hindi which means Christian and Co still don't know the extent of what she said about her past.

Ana's example of dragging her family's name in the mud was in reference to not only violating her family's privacy by bringing charges against Vishaal but also, should they flip and hit her with a lawsuit, everyone's name will come out and well... that shit will be messy. Above all, she has no proof so she will face the brunt of it. It gets even messier now that she's with Christian because she is also thinking about how it will eventually, negatively affect him.

In regards to her conversation with Nani, in chapter 12, Ana mentions very briefly that she tells Nani what happened. However, we will not know the extent of that conversation until much later in the chapters. As to why Nani won't do anything... the chapter with the date for Feb 12th, 2020 will explain a lot of Ana's thought process in regards to all this. That is a major drama chapter, there will loads of fun in there but also lots of drama... I'm not sure if you guys want lemons in that chapter, PM your preference, LOL.

Another thing, I know you all want Christian to save her. But this is Ana's fight and it's about to get a hell a lot more frustrating and real. I promise they will not break up again but they will grow stronger, yes they will fight every now and then but they will remain together. There will be some really heartfelt moments and happy chapters too where they have fun. Over all, a main focus will be on them really getting to know each other and analyzing their trauma together. Even in Flynn's sessions I try not to include a lot of Flynn's advice because... I'm not a therapist and I want to use those instances to describe more what the characters are feeling and how they think. As promised there will be a HEA but there's a lot of story before that.

I've already written the ending to the story. I change little things here and there as I write the middle part so, yeah... getting there slowly but surely.

In regards to there being confusion as to how Ana can call herself Muslim when you compare her to other people who are practicing Islam, well let me set the record straight... Islam is 80% intention, her relationship with the religion is purely spiritual. She may not pray five times a day, cover herself or engage is about to look like A LOT of pre-marital sex but in the end, it's her guiding compass in life to be a good person above all. She derives inspiration from being Muslim and South Asian as a result of her grandmother and family. In the end, her personal relationship with God is what matters. What or how to practices her religion in her own time is her right. She talks about this in chapter 13.

Again, thank you to each and every single one of you for taking the time out to not only read but leave reviews. It means the world.

P.S. **Jess,** please make an account. I don't know how to reach you, wanted to check in on you about your test results. Much love!

**Sofia**: this is the chapter I was talking about with the Portuguese song, plus a little more :)

This chapter is almost 19000 words. I wanted to give them a whole weekend of reconnecting with each other after so many days apart and also give you guys a break from all the god damn drama I've thrown at you. That however does not mean this chapter doesn't start with some drama... but it ends on a happy note.

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Chapter 30 - _I be fallin' for you, baby_

_Saturday, February 1st, 2020_

**APOV**

I feel Christian's lips on my neck. He plants soft kisses and I can feel his erection digging into me. I want him, I really do but I can't get distracted again. I wish my body didn't betray me like this. I feel like I've constantly been at war for the past the past three weeks. At war within myself for wanting him, to let him fill me and have his way with me against all logical thought that I should runaway from all this and that I don't deserve this.

I turn to him and God he's so fucking beautiful. I put my hand on his face and he just looks at me, it's an intense expression that reminds me of our first night in the bathtub at Big Sur. It's as if he's telling me he loves me. I give him a small kiss but he goes in to deepen it and I hear him groan... his tongue slowly dancing with me as his hands run all over my body.

"Baby, I've missed you so much." He moans between kisses. It lights a fire within me but I need to stay focused. I break away from the kiss and look at him.

"I can't right now, I'm sorry." I look at him and his eyes fall. He takes a breath and nods a little and plants a small kiss on my lips.

"Breakfast?" he asks, as he traces small shapes on my cheek with his thumb.

"I'm a little tired to make anything, I'll just have some tea and cereal I think." I say. I truly am tired, mentally and physically just spent. I've been living on processed food or take out for the past few weeks aside from what Grace brought me and what Mia made. I really want a good home cooked meal. I miss Nita and Nani's cooking.

"Whatever you'd like baby, Gail has fully stocked the fridge with options so we can go through it."

"Okay, I'm going to take a quick shower first. I don't feel so great." I say and make my way to get up.

"Are you okay, what happened? You want me to call Kate?" He sounds panicked.

"No, no, I mean, I just feel a little tired, I couldn't sleep well last night, so a shower will help." I smile at him and turn to and walk towards the front of the bed to pick up my thermal tights that I wore under my saree petticoat. I figure I'll take a shower and just wear his shirt with the tights for the time being, till I've had breakfast and then I'll head home. I'm not sure if I can spend an entire weekend here with him.

The shower feels sublime. It also helps that it's fucking huge than the little joke of a shower stall back in my apartment. A part of me doesn't want to leave the confines of this glass box but I can't stay here forever. I get done, dry myself and get dressed. Christian isn't in the room when I come out so I go out and find him in the kitchen with 3 different cereal boxes placed on the counter with a bowl and milk and a hot cup of tea waiting. I walk up and see a bowl of cut fruit and some cookies. I have to laugh.

"Such an eclectic breakfast spread."

"Variety is the spice of life." He says smiling.

I know he doesn't mean anything negative by it but it stings a little, I feel like the anti-thesis of that statement. He could eventually get bored of me and I'd be replaced with another option. I try my best to shake these thoughts and remember what Dr. Flynn said

"_Anastasia, if you cannot love yourself, you will not be able to allow another to love you. You will continue to feel unfulfilled in life. You have to try your best to trust again. Little by little._"

I smile back at him and choose the Honey Bunches of Oats cereal and pour some milk with it. He takes his seat by me with a cup of coffee and has the same cereal as me. I feel like a teenager who had a sleepover. It feels cute. He looks amazing as always, wearing a white t-shirt with dark grey sweats that hang off of his hips in a way that make my inside melt. His hair is a mess and I'm dying to run my hand through it and kiss him till my lips fall off but I need to keep myself in check.

We're sitting close but barely speak to each other. We eat mostly in silence. I check my phone for news and do the regular social media scan to see what everyone is up to. I can feel his eyes on me, I want to look up but know that if I do, I'll be a goner. _Why the hell do you have to have those piercing eyes, Grey?_

He gets up and gathers his bowl and cup to take to the sink. The silence between us deafening.

"Christian?" He looks up at me and I can see a little apprehension in his eyes. "You said last night, you'd tell me whatever I wanted to know. Is that true?" He nods. "Yes, Ana it is. You can ask me anything and I will tell you the truth, no matter how ugly it may sound." He looks contrite.

I pick up my bowl and cup and walk around to place it in the sink. When I turn around we are barely a foot or two apart. I can feel the heat from him. I need to focus.

"Those 17 women you've been with, I imagine you have files on them. I want to see them."

His eyes widen and he swallows. "Okay, they're in the study."

I follow him and stand by his desk. He opens his file cabinet and takes out a stack of files. I pick them up and sit down on the floor by the big ceiling to floor window.

"Why are you sitting on the floor?" He asks.

I look up at him. "I'm comfortable this way. I'd rather be closer to the ground anyway, I flew up too high and I paid the price for that." He looks down and nods as he swallows.

I start to go through the files one by one. The information punches me repeatedly. Each woman is more beautiful than the last; petite, with medium to long brown hair. Fuck, I hope Cynthia isn't in these... thought she did say she was a submissive on the East Coast only. Still... breathe, Ana, breathe.

I see careers ranging from medical resident to lawyer, makeup artist to horse trainer even a high level executive at a private equity firm and here I am, a broke legal assistant with an English lit degree. The files list their addresses, age, background, bank account details, and the amount of money he paid them, languages they speak and even their bra size among other things. I read their copies of the BDSM contracts, all their hard and soft limits. It's enlightening and heartbreaking at the same time. One woman stands out to me in all this; Leila Williams an art student. She was his submissive for more than a year. She's gorgeous, model like, long brown hair with fiery amber eyes. I feel so inadequate. I feel like a fool.

"I guess you really do have a type." I say trying to hide my wavering voice. He doesn't say anything.

"You paid them $20,000 a month. For every three month contract they made $60,000 and you bought them a fucking car and paid their rent? My salary for the year is barely $70,000 that too with the raise. I guess maybe I should've gotten into this line of work. I could've paid off my student loans and credit card within 2 months along with getting all this other shit" I scoff as tears run down my eyes.

He's sitting across from me on the floor, watching me intently. His eyes fall again..."Ana, the more established Dom you are the more perks you offer. Yes some people will even offer a place to live on top of giving a car. It varies. I offered the car to ensure their safety. Every good Dominant will provide safety and financial security to their submissive if they can afford to."

"I have so much I want to say but I'm going to keep my mouth shut for now because I'd rather talk about this with Flynn." I shake my head with disgust. Why the fuck do I feel so jealous? "Where's my file?"

"You don't have one."

"But you wanted me to be number 18. Surely, you at least did a background check on me?"

"It was a very initial thought Ana. I had just seen you at GEH and I had thought about it briefly but it was thanksgiving weekend and I felt a little guilty calling up Welch; he's my investigator of sorts, to get all your information and then before I knew it I was at the wedding with you and I didn't want you as a submissive and therefore didn't feel the need to get your information, I just wanted to know who you were from you and your loved ones. I wanted to do things differently. As for the NDA, I just knew I could trust you. I don't understand it. You made me feel safe."

I look down at the stack of files I just went through again.

"Did you guys get a background check on me?" He asks.

I look to him. "Nana offered. He asked me if I wanted a background check on you and I declined. I told him that if there was anything worth hiding, that I'd rather hear it from you..." I trail off trying to control myself and not cry.

He looks down and nods.

"They're all so beautiful and seem like wonderful people. How could you not want them?" My throat and my eyes burn. This is so fucking annoying, why am I crying? _Get it together, Ana. Be strong._

"I just didn't. None of these arrangements were meant to be permanent in that way. They always ended up wanting more or turned out to be bat shit crazy and I never wanted more with anyone till we met. I didn't even know what more could look like for me till I met you." He looks to me with searching eyes.

"Didn't you try to get to know them?"

He shrugs. "I wasn't interested in idle conversation. To me, that was 'more' and I didn't want that. All I was interested was sex as a form of release. That's it. We got what we wanted out of the arrangement and went our separate ways after the weekend or after the contract was over."

_Breathe. Just breathe._

"The files say you made them take the depo shot but some only took the pill. How do you know you don't have a child or children out there?"

"Well, for starters, I always wore a condom. Whenever I ended a contract, I had each of these women followed for 6 months to make sure."

"Christian, you and I never used a condom when were first got together... in fact you never use one." I put my head in my hands.

"Well, I didn't exactly come to the wedding with the intention of having sex. Besides, another first for us."

I look up and he has a small smile. I know this is his attempt at a joke and I won't lie it is funny but I am fucking pissed. I know I'm irrationally pissed off and holding his past against him. I want to scream. I'm so fucking stupid. I know the pill is effective and I am religious about it but I'm equally stupid in this.

"The fact that you decided to fuck me bareback doesn't make me feel at all special Christian. The fact that you bought these women cars, a place to live, paid for their schooling or paid them money in general and bought them clothes and then had them followed... that seems like such a high price to pay for a few weekends of them staying here for fucked up play time. You could've easily just met someone and tried to go about this the normal way, you could've given that money to charity. You could have had a fulfilling life Christian. You say you want to shower me with love and gifts, how the fuck can I accept any of that in light of all this. How can I not feel like I'm number 18." I say as my voice cracks.

I need to control myself. Why am I so angry?

"None of that ever appealed to me. I didn't think I deserved it, Ana. Besides you know this better than I do, all anyone ever sees when they look at me is just this face and the money. I was convinced I was destined to be alone. My mind was a dark place and I had all this rage inside of me. You said you have darkness inside of you, so do I. This is how it came out. I'm 50 shades of fucked up. This is my past and I cannot change it. You cannot lump yourself with them. Please don't. You have no idea what you mean to me. None of these women were allowed to touch me; in fact, no one is allowed to touch me. Only you. The way you show me affection, you are the first woman to do that. You're the only woman I trust. You are the only woman I ever want. I crave your touch, I crave you in the most desperate way, like the air I need to breathe. You have me in a way no one is this world could ever have for as long as I live." He says with a low and strained voice.

I look down, tears stinging my eyes. I understand what he's saying and it's beautiful but my fear is clouding my judgment. I am so afraid.

I look up again "I have questions about the playroom."

He takes a breath. "Okay, what do you want to know?" I get up and pick up the files and put them on his desk.

"Get the key to the room and follow me." I walk out and go up the stairs. I remember Cynthia's words.

"_He calls it a playroom? Interesting, usual terminology is Dungeon. I've met some younger Dom and Domme's who like to call it a playroom... pretty fucking hipster if you ask me. This one Dom I was training on the East Coast called it a playroom and it was beautifully decorated... I guess that's why? The visuals and interior finishes. I've otherwise seen some pretty shitty looking dungeons, now that I think about it. Hmm, I'm going to have to some research on this. He must be a real new age kinda Dom" _

He goes to retrieve the key from the utility drawer and joins me in front of the door after a few minutes.

"Ana, the last time we were here, it went really badly. I am trying to give you all the information you want but I can't bear seeing you go through the same thing again." His voice is almost broken.

"Just open the fucking door Christian." I bark.

He opens the door to the room and the lights automatically turn on. I walk in and look around again, I vaguely remember it, I remember everything in fragments from that night. The room is dark and smells of lemon. Dark mahogany paneling, soft and warm recessed lighting, a four-poster bed with red satin sheets and a red leather couch. It looks luxurious, like the inside of a red wine bottle, without all the torture devices it would actually be a really beautiful room. I walk over to look at each item closely. I never got the chance to before. I see canes, whips, leather cuffs, metal cuffs, riding crops and floggers. A small chest of drawers, I open each one by one, and recognize the items, butt plugs, dildos, vibrators, genital clamps, silk blindfolds, anal beads etc. _Nope, never doing anything anal... EVER_. The extensive research on all things BDSM is finally coming in handy. I understand it a little better now and the talk with Flynn helped including that meeting with Kate's BDSM contact, Cynthia, it's not as scary as it was when I first was met with all this a few weeks ago.

I take my time and I can feel Christian's apprehension in the air, he's probably dying. The feeling of power it gives me is addictive. _Way to be an asshole, Ana_. I finally look back at him and he looks scared as fuck.

I turn off my emotions. I have to. "Walk me through a weekend. How does it work?" I ask him and I realize I sound so bitchy.

"Ana, please, are you sure you want to know all of this?" he asks, he's scared I can tell.

"Did I stutter? I want this information and you agreed to answer all my questions." He blinks a few times and tries to recover.

"Well, the sub in question would stay here from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon. In the event they weren't available on a weekend, we would arrange to meet during the week if I needed to. They stay in the room down the hall, which you saw before. They are allowed to keep their belongings in that room only. They were only allowed in that room, here and the kitchen. They were only allowed to speak when spoken to or if they asked permission to speak. They were never allowed to look at me without my permission, which again, I rarely gave. The behavior was completely controlled and if they did something they weren't supposed to then they were punished in this room."

"Total Power Exchange?" I ask.

He eyes go wide and he answers in a small voice. "Yes."

"Did it go beyond the weekend, the TPE?"

"In a way yes. They had rules which I required them to follow to ensure their safety and if they broke those rules or were careless then they were ..." He is unable to complete the sentence.

"How did you punish them?" I ask.

"Ana... please." His discomfort is palpable.

"TELL ME CHRISTIAN!" I scream at him.

He closes his eyes and clenches his fists and immediately releases them.

"It could be anything, I could cuff them and hook the cuffs to the grid up there and deny them an orgasm using a vibrator or a riding crop etc. Constantly bringing them to the brink and then denying them till they safeworded or if I ever thought they had been punished enough. Then I would stop and release them and they were allowed to go back to their room. Sometimes I'd fuck them for my own release and not theirs. I'd use a cane or belt on them, the bigger the infraction the harsher the punishment would be. Again, nothing more than they could take, Ana."

"I see." I feel a renewed surge of anger run through me. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.

"Was anyone ever seriously hurt? Any lasting marks? Any bleeding?" I look at him with tears falling. Please say no. Please tell me you never did that. _Please._

He closes his eyes as if I've pained him. "No Ana, never. Again, I never went beyond a sub's limits. Blood play was a hard limit for me. And those whips you see there... I never used them. They were just there for visual purposes... they're just a standard in the lifestyle when setting up a room like this. I personally had no interest in every using them."

"How did you reward them?" I feel my voice crack.

He breathes and runs his hands through his hair. "Ana please..." I look up at him, willing him to tell me. He looks down again.

"I was their reward. I'd fuck them and let them orgasm instead of denying them. I'd give them more money if they wanted it or buy them clothes, whatever materialistic shit they wanted."

I nod slowly trying to process what he's telling me. It breaks me but at the same time I feel this dark sense of calm. I can't seem to explain it.

"Were you affectionate with them?"

"No. I barely even kissed any of my subs. I had no real desire for the connection. I focused solely on my own pleasure mostly in that regard."

_Do I even want to ask about the aftercare? Fuck... no, Ana. Just walkaway from this. Just stop._

"Did these women cook for you?"

"The first few turned out to be shitty cooks so I always asked Gail to have the kitchen stocked for the weekend."

"Where else in the apartment have you had sex with these women?" _I'm so ready to bleach every surface to hell right now._

"Only in this room."

I need to move from this line of questioning. This is all in the past. He loves me. He wants to be with me. I remember the bracelet. _Our firsts._ He introduced me as his girlfriend. He introduced me to his grandparents. He wants us. He's choosing us... he wants me. He cherishes _me_. Everything else is in the past. I need to move forward with him. I _need_ to _trust_ in us.

"Are you still in contact with them?"

"No. Once the contract is void, I cease all contact. They are allowed to contact Travis and messages are filtered through him and security."

"I see."

I take a deep breath and I look up to him. "I can't offer you this in the way you need it Christian. I... can't...even if I wanted to, I could never see myself indulging in any of this, especially in this room. I cannot unsee those 17 women here. I'd be willing to m_aybe_ try some things but only in a place that was completely ours." I run my hands through my hair to try and calm myself and take another deep breath.

"Christian, I did my research on this. I talked to Flynn about it and I really have tried to keep an open mind about all of this. I had no reference to this when I first found out and it freaked me the fuck out.

I don't know why, but for some reason I do understand being restrained, being spanked as a means for sexual pleasure, I understand the role play and the varying degrees of it all for fun but the heavy punishment aspect of this lifestyle, the really painful shit... I cannot wrap my head around it. How can you beat someone like that for breaking a rule? How can you whip them or use a cane on them? You went through that pain yourself... how could you want to inflict the same kind of pain on someone else, even if they wanted it?..."

Truth is, I wouldn't mind being blindfolded or restrained or spanked, I don't know why but it doesn't really scare me I mean... within reason of course, but the idea of Christian being in this room and beating someone for breaking a rule is terrifying.

He looks down. "I understand it now, Ana. I do. I've been working with Flynn on this. Please believe me when I say that I would never inflict pain on you. I would rather die. As far as the other stuff, I would never make you try anything you're not comfortable with." I can tell he's sincere but this room is starting to close on me.

I make my way out of the room but realize I need to make myself clear on one more thing.

**CPOV**

She turns to exit the playroom and then suddenly stops at the threshold and looks back at me. She has the same chilling expression like the day of the negotiations with Akash.

"I want to make one thing very clear Christian, with this second chance there will be definitive parameters. If there is any aspect of your life that can directly impact my well being, you need to be forthright about it from the get go. If you find out that sub sneezed within a 5 miles radius of me, you tell me. And as for that horrible excuse of a woman who abused you, I swear to God, if she comes near any of us again I will cut that bitch in half and relish every moment of it. I don't care how much you think you owe her. You don't, she taught you nothing but lies. That's all she did. She robbed you. That entire aspect of your life is hard limit for me and I know you feel the same way about that asshole in my life but I am in a very tough situation myself, he's part of my family. You have the luxury to walkaway. I don't."

She stops to take a breath and compose herself again.

"You claim to want to take care of me and keep me safe... loyalty, respect and communication will keep me safe; that is non-negotiable for me. You drop ball like this again and it is fucking over. You hear me? I will disappear from your life and I won't give two shits about anything or anyone. You think you're 50 shades of fucked up? You haven't met the full breadth of my 50 shades of indifference, with all the love I have within me, I can just as easily kill it to save myself if I'm motivated enough. Do you understand me? I need verbal confirmation that you do."

I feel my heart fall into my stomach. Holy fuck. Is this how Akash felt? Like death at his doorstep? But she's giving me a second chance. _Finally. She's coming back._

"Yes, I understand." I barely get the words out. Fuck, she is terrifying.

"And another thing. I am not your submissive and you will not dare try to treat me as such, I know it's all that you've known but you're living in the real world now. Not some make-believe lifestyle. I will not have rules. We will have conversations and reach a compromise if we do not share the same view on the matter. You will not make any decisions for me without my consent unless I give you explicit permission to do so. I had a whole life before you, it's complicated and it's messy but it's mine and you have to tread lightly and trust me that I know what I'm doing because any wrong step on my part can negatively affect people I really love in that family. I am your equal and you have to treat me and view me as such. The South Asian culture already is suffocating and submissive enough, I don't need to deal with it my life outside of the family."

I nod. "I understand. I do see you as my equal Ana. As I said before, I'm working with Flynn to curb my dominant tendencies and need for control. I'm going to try my best I just ask that you be patient with me in the process as well. I will be getting rid of this room."

"I will be patient but again, everything will require conversation, I don't know how to read your mind and I am not asking you to get rid of this room. This is your apartment; I am not going to make you change anything. If you want to then go ahead and keep it. Just know that I won't be coming in here."

"No, I want to get rid of it. I... I was going to before but I wanted to do it myself and then I just couldn't bring myself to come in here after everything. Memories from that night were too painful and even having you here now... the look in your eyes... it's... difficult."

She swallows and turns to walk away.

We walk downstairs and Ana is quiet again. It's been a heavy night followed by a heavy morning. I can't help but watch her, it feels predatory but I can't risk a repeat of 6 weeks ago. I answered every question she asked. I'm on pins and needles. I'm surprised I'm still alive, I was sure she would murder me in the playroom. I follow her into the bedroom. She starts to collect her things.

"Are you leaving?" I ask and realize I sound panicked, fuck. I quickly follow with "I was hoping you'd stay the weekend." I'm desperate as fuck and at her mercy.

She sighs and looks back at me. "Well, I don't have any of my stuff here so I do have to go home. Plus I have a list of things to do, grocery shopping, laundry and the like. Kate and Elliot are away this weekend and no doubt the made a mess before they left." She goes quiet.

"And besides, I know I said this exclusively for the playroom but I can't help but see all those 17 women around here. I know they never slept with you here but the shared spaces... I don't know if it's jealousy on my part or the feeling of inadequacy but I just need some time. I know I asked to keep things private for now but I'm also realizing that being cooped up all the time isn't good for me and that too in a space that's really emotionally charged for me." She looks out to the window as she speaks. I walk over to her and hold her face in my hands; her gaze falls to the floor.

"Baby, look at me." She looks up and there are tears forming. I kiss her, I understand how she feels and I need to give her the space she needs.

"Would you be open to spending the weekend at my apartment instead?" She asks innocently. "I know it's not as big as this stadium of an apartment but it's comfortable and you can bring your laptop in case you have some work to do. You can also use the guest room to make any private calls, plus I think I'm owed some more memories of us there." She giggles and I kiss her again. She's so adorable.

"I'd love to spend the weekend with you baby. I'll go pack a bag and clothes for Monday morning." I say. She beams at me and pulls me in for another kiss. As I gather my things, I text Taylor to make sure Elena never comes near Ana or any of us again and to monitor her movements. Along with constant monitoring of the subs. I don't want them near us. Ana is my future and my sole focus in life.

We head down the garage and I head towards the R8.

"Um... we're going grocery shopping Christian, let's take the SUV."

"But the R8 is more fun" I whine as I laugh.

"It's also a over the top douche move to take it for a grocery run" she giggles. "Time to teach you domestic etiquette." she teases.

We first head out to the regular supermarket where she buys staples for her pantry; pasta, some vegetables and fruits in addition to Kate's favorite snacks and beverages. She's a woman on a mission, she barely speaks to me, I just follow her and at times it's comical how she remembers random stuff and runs to the aisle to get it.

Our next stop is the Indian grocery store. She tells me she only buys halal or kosher meat because it's just better quality than regular American offerings.

We get to the Indian store and I turn the car off and Ana turns to me.

"Okay so, I'm going to ask you to stay in here for this trip."

"Why what happened?"

"It's a South Asian thing. The uncle and aunty, by the way older men and women are automatically called uncle aunty, no relationship needed, who own the shop are super nosy and if you're with me it'll cause a slight meltdown."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, she wanted to set me up with her son who is like 35 and has the ambition of a snail. Anyway, when I politely declined she became bitchy with me. She hates my guts but that's okay, so if you go in with me, I'll be banned from there and she really has good selection of groceries... and her husband, he's a sweetheart but he might marry us faster than an Elvis priest in a Vegas Chapel." She giggles.

"I wouldn't mind that. I'd marry you in a heartbeat." I smile and her eyes widen.

"Is that a marriage proposal?"

"It can be if you want."

"There's still so much we don't know about each other." She says as she looks down. I can sense the doubt in her voice.

"We've got our whole lives for that." I say as I touch her face with my hand.

She looks up and smiles "that's the first real marriage proposal I've gotten. Most of the time it's just random south asian aunties trying to make a case for their entitled and frankly useless sons." She muses.

"You've been proposed to before?" I feel a rage of jealousy run through me. What the fuck?

"No. Nooo. Not in the way you're thinking. Sorry. Remember when Ros asked me about arranged marriages? Well this is the other side of things; older women are always on the lookout for girls who they think would be ideal for their sons. When I became part of Nita's family and started attending family weddings and celebrations in general, I was always a point of interest. Nita, Alia Khala and Nani would always get those inquiring phone calls "we're interested in Anastasia, we'd love to meet for tea and our son to talk to her blah blah..." it had more to do with the fact that I was this white girl with blue eyes and if their sons were to procreate with me, they'd have blue eyed, almost white grandchildren. It's a residual colonialism thing, they're all obsessed with fair skin and the beauty they associate with it. Of course, Nani and Co. never took these inquiries and meetings seriously but it was definitely tea time entertainment for us." She laughs.

I am in no mood to laugh, as fucking adorable as she is, I'm really close to losing my shit. "How long has this been happening for?" I ask and I realize I sound fucking pissed.

Her eyes soften and she places her hand on my face, her thumb stroking my cheek "it started when I was 15 and then after the accident I was out of sight for a long time and when I resurfaced, I had lost all the weight and the interest grew, but I was also away at college so I wasn't exposed to it as much. It's not a big deal Christian; it's just a cultural thing. Nita would never seriously consider anything like that for me, she's never pressured me to adapt to the south Asian way of life, everything that I've ever done has been of my own volition and with that there are some cons." She smiles. "Don't think too much about it, I don't. Now I have to go and get this stuff, I'll be out in about 10 minutes." She kisses the corner of my mouth and heads out.

Who the fuck are these people? They want what's mine and they've wanted her since she was a fucking minor. HOW IS THIS NORMAL? She's mine, only mine. No one in that family better look at her with that intention or I'll fucking set fire to everything. I need to control myself; I need to get a grip. This is ridiculous. My reaction is ridiculous. It has to be but I can't help myself.

Ana returns after a while and places all the groceries in the back. We ride back to her apartment in relative silence. Ana mostly hums to herself, there's no music, she furiously texts and reads the news telling me little tidbits she finds interesting, I respond the best as I can but my mind is occupied.

Once we're in the apartment, I sit on the bar stool and try to distract myself but taking out all the groceries from the bags for her to put away. She puts the cold items in the fridge and freezer and comes to me. She puts her arms around my neck and looks into my eyes, standing in between my legs and gives me a series of small kisses.

"What's on your mind Mr. Grey? You've been awfully quiet since the proposal conversation."

"I'm fine." My reply is curt.

"No you're not. What bothered you, the fact that I didn't share your enthusiasm about us getting married or the interest of south Asian aunties in me over the years?" She's right on the money.

"A little of the former and a lot of the latter." I respond. My face is tense, I'm trying to rein in my true feelings.

"I see." She removes her hands from neck and places them lightly on my hands that rest on my thighs. "Do you want to punish me?" She's looking down.

Fuck. It's like she sees through me. My dick twitches at the words. Fuck, I want to have my way with her but I can't. She'll run. I need to be careful.

"I don't think you want an answer to that." I say. She looks up and her breathing has changed, there's a fire in her eyes. Oh fuck. Could it be?

"What if I said yes to a little punishment, what would you do?" She asks, I can feel her temperature rise as she traces circles on my hands with her fingers.

I grab her hands and pin them behind her in one swift move as I stand up and it takes her by surprise. "I'd spank you and fuck you right after." I declare. The look on her face tells me she's up for the challenge as she raises an eyebrow.

She tiptoes up with her lips grazing mine "Then spank me and fuck me, Mr. Grey."

Oh god. I might just come in my pants. This can't be true.

"Are you sure Anastasia, there's no going back from this." I look in her eyes, searching for doubt but she looks so sure of her decision.

"I trust that you won't hurt me." She responds. Her words floor me. "I won't hurt you, at least not more than you take." I say truthfully.

"I'm all yours then." She says with a firm resolve. I let go of her hands. "Take off your tights and place your hands on the kitchen counter." She follows through immediately. I pull her hips back and grind my rock hard erection into her. She moans. "QUIET. Not a sound out of you unless you're spoken to. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir." I can sense a smile in her voice. I'm so close. She drives me crazy.

"I'm going to spank you 4 times Anastasia and you will count with me. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir."

I rub my palms over her ass, it's absolutely perfect and soft and it'll soon be pink as her lips. I can see she's drenched and it pleases me to no end. I lift my hand and slap her ass alternating between each cheek and massaging them before hitting her again. She jumps and blurts out "One."

Again, god this feels glorious. "Two."

Again. "Three."

I really let it rip for the last one and she half screams "FOUR."

I unzip myself and position my cock at her opening and slam into her. She gasps and moans. She wants this. I grab her hips and pound into her as she pushes against me to create friction. She is exquisite. I pull her up by her hair so that her head is on my shoulder and I attack her neck with my mouth as my fingers find her clit. It's warm and slick, she's so fucking wet.

"You're mine. Only mine." I growl.

"Only yours." She pants with her eyes closed.

I push into her with a punishing rhythm as she moans loudly, the apartment is filled with the sound of her pleasure, her hands circle around my neck and find my hair. She pulls on to me and it's the best feeling in the world. She's about to come, I feel her tense and I bite her neck as she comes around me, screaming my name. I follow immediately after a few thrusts, groaning loudly. Her body slumps over the kitchen counter as I pull out of her and sit on the barstool. Her breathing is loud and ragged, I pull her to me, her back to my front and she half lays, half stands against me.

"You did amazing baby, God you are a such divine revelation." I say as I kiss her neck, her breathing slowly calming down.

She turns around and places her arms around my neck, leaning into me, her lips hover over mine "Well that was surprisingly fun." She giggles. And I attack her mouth, thanking her and worshipping her.

I break away from the kiss, "Baby, are you sure you're okay?" I don't want her to think I'm a heartless fuck.

"A little sore but that was to be expected." She smiles.

"Do you have amica cream or baby oil or something, I can rub it on you, it'll help."

She thinks for a minute. "I have argan oil, I think."

I carry her to her room and lay her on the bed, she tells me the argan oil is in her bathroom mirror cabinet. I retrieve it and tell her to turn over on her stomach as she lies on the bed. I plant soft kisses over her ass and she wiggles.

"Didn't know you were such a kiss ass, Grey." She says laughing.

"Only your ass Miss Steele. Can't get enough of it." I bite her and she squeals.

I rub my hands over the alabaster pink in front of me, I'm so fucking proud of her. I rub the oil on her cheeks and she takes a deep calming breath. After I'm done, I lie across the bed and flush against her, my face across from her as she lays on her stomach. I kiss her eyes and she cheeks as I play with her hair, she half opens her eyes and smiles.

"You never cease to amaze me Ana. Never in a million years did I think this would happen today or... ever. Not that I was hoping for it to happen... I'm just surprised. Especially after this morning, I'm just grateful I made it out of the playroom alive even."

"We aim to surprise and please Mr. Grey." She giggles. "My pain threshold is pretty high given what I've been through. I'm not entirely opposed to trying new things; I know that this can be fun as long as we take it slow. Besides, you did say variety is the spice of life." She winks at me and by god she knows how to fucking floor me. I kiss her deeply, trying to communicate how grateful I am.

"So tell me, did my reluctance to accept your _very casual_ marriage proposal really sting?"

"A little but I understand that it wasn't the most romantic way to ask you."

"Well, let me assure you, it's not because it wasn't romantic, I'm not into those over the top proposals anyway. I'd be happy even if you asked me in the bathtub but in all honesty we just met and I want to have some fun. I've never been in a relationship and neither have you been in one, at least a normal one. Marriage is serious business and I'd like to be a little young and fun for a while." She says as she turns her body to flush against mine.

"That's fair. It's just that idea of all these random people wanting you that really did it for me. I don't like sharing." I say. I realize I sound like a whiny child.

"Well, just because someone wants me, doesn't mean they'll get me. None of these people had me, not in the way that matters most at least. I could say the very same for you, all these other women want you, have wanted you and 17 of them had you. Yes they'll always be jealousy but I guess it's just a part of life, right? I just have to deal with it and so will you."

"But no one will ever have me the way you do. No one can ever equal you. No one else matters." I say, looking into her eyes trying my best to convey my undeniable truth.

"Damn straight and don't you forget it." She giggles.

I kiss her long and deep. "You're a fucking goddess Ana."

"Not going to argue with that Mr. Grey." She laughs and I kiss her forehead.

We nap for a little bit and then head back to the kitchen to clean up and put away groceries while Ana cooks dinner and takes care of laundry simultaneously. I take out my laptop and decide to work a little at the kitchen counter. Ana comes by every so often and kisses me, any affection from her is so meaningful; I can't believe I've lived without it for so long. The weekends without her seemed like an eternity.

Suddenly her phone rings next to me and I see it's Ros. Why is Ros calling her?

"Baby, Ros is calling you." I tell her as she works on dinner across from me. "Weird. Okay, set it to speaker."

"Hi Ros!" Ana half sings, I fucking love her enthusiasm.

"Hi Ana, Gwen is here too."

"What's up ladies, how's it going?"

"Oh honey it's great, listen are you free next Saturday, I'm having a baby shower and was really hoping you'd come by... also if you could bring some cookies. You can't say no to a pregnant lady."

Ana walks over to where I am with the phone, laughing. "Anything for you Gwen. How many should I bring?" she asks.

"Oh, just a dozen for me, I don't intend to share them with anyone. Who cares about the guests?" Gwen says sarcastically.

"Consider it done. I'll see you next Saturday." Ana smiles.

Ros interjects as Ana agrees. "Ana, may I ask a slightly personal question?"

Ana looks at me puzzled. "Sure Ros, what's up?"

"Well, I'm going to be inviting Christian and I wanted to check in with you, I got the feeling that you may not like him all that much. I wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable." Ros says carefully.

Ana looks at me and laughs, "It's okay Ros, I just prefer to keep things painfully professional with him. I've seen how he is with women who are extra friendly. I am not interested in that drama." She looks at me and gives me a small kiss and bites my lip.

"I understand, thank you, I wanted to check in with you before I invited him."

"I really appreciate it Ros but you didn't have to ask. You should invite whoever you like, this is a happy occasion in your life, you deserve to have those who mean the most to you at a celebration like this." She smiles, as she runs her hands in my hair, looking into my eyes. How can I keep falling in love with her more and more each day?

Ros hangs up and then immediately calls me.

"Your turn now, set it to speaker Mr. Grey!" she giggles. I chuckle and do as I'm told.

"Christian, are you free to talk?" Ros asks, all serious. "Yes Ros."

"How did last night go?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, after we left, did you talk to Ana?" Ros asks too eagerly.

"I thanked her for her hard work... what else was I supposed to say?"

"You are such a fucking wuss, Grey." I see Ana cover her mouth trying not to make a sounds as she tries to suppress a laugh.

"Fuck off, Ros."

"Shut up... Listen, next Saturday... we're having a baby shower for Gwen, can you come? I know it's not your scene but it's a rite of passage and well, I'll need some like minded backup because I have a feeling Gwen might murder me for and she likes you so you can save me if need be."

"Sure Ros, send me the details and I'll be there."

"I invited Ana too, I figured she hates your guts and it'll be a little entertainment for me to watch her ignore you some more." Ros cackles.

"Ros, if this is your ideal form of entertainment then you really need to get a life." I mock irritation.

"Come on, you like her, it's so obvious. She's HOT, just admit it already. I can put in a good word for you. Since you're such a pussy to talk to her yourself. Trust me, you guys are perfect for each other." Ros teases.

"As I said before, she's a GEH employee Ros, bad idea." I say as I quickly kiss Ana, invading her mouth with my tongue and responds in kind.

"Well, if something happens we can talk to HR about it and it'll be fine. I really think you guys should go out, she's the only woman who could keep you in line... unless you don't have the game to get her to go out with you?" Ros laughs.

"I highly doubt anyone can keep me in line and if I wanted to, I could charm the pants off of her, I'm just choosing not to." I know how arrogant I sound but who gives a fuck.

Ana raises her eyebrow at me and I bite her bottom lip.

"You know what, let's make a bet. My money's on Ana, she'll probably rip you another one at the shower. If you can get her to go on a date with you then you win." Ros challenges.

"Ros, watch it. I never lose. I will win this game and it'll be glorious." I laugh.

"Game on, Grey. See you on Monday."

"Give my best to Gwen, try not to get murdered between now and Monday." I tease.

We hang up and Ana looks at me "Let the games begin Mr. Grey, you should know I'm extremely competitive."

"Oh Miss Steele, I remember from game night but things are different now. Bring it on." I challenge and with that I kiss her roughly and she moans into my mouth, I live for this. I can't wait for next Saturday now. She's not going to know what hit her.

We spend the entire evening talking and while eating dinner she shows me an episode of her favorite show Mozart in the Jungle. It's hilarious and she does over the top impressions the main character telling me how she annoys Kate with them. I tell her I never really watched TV and she vows to turn me into a TV show junkie. Even with all the sadness, she's got so much life and happiness in her and I want to experience every moment of it.

Dinner is amazing. She's such a good cook, even the simplest of things she makes are with such love and they taste wonderful. She made us Cajun flavored chicken with broccoli cooked in white sauce with pasta along with a spinach and goat cheese quiche and it's incredible.

We put the dishes away and she takes out a box of Indian sweets and cuts one piece into half and offers it to me.

"I keep forgetting, what's this one called, we had it at the wedding and last night as well?"

"It's called gulab jamun, it's my favorite. And yes we had it at the Sangeet and last night, I made sure they were served warm in sweet syrup but unfortunately that's not always possible so we'll just have to eat them chilled which is nice too."

I eat the sweet from her hand and lick her fingers. She giggles. "These are really sweet, how do you guys not get a sugar rush from this?"

"I'm used to it, plus I rarely get to eat them. Maybe once a month or whenever I go to see Nani in SF. Most white people can't stand the sweetness." she giggles.

"Miss Steele, you're white!"

"True, but I've been completely transformed, I'm fully south Asian on the inside." She gives me a wink.

"Well, I can't get enough of your sweetness." I kiss her long and deep, she's out of breath once I break this kiss and slap her ass lightly. She jumps and giggles again. I've missed that fucking sound in my life.

We sit back on the couch, Ana snuggles into me, replying to what feels like a dozen unread text messages and emails.

"Well aren't you Miss Popular?" I ask.

She shrugs and flips her hair over her shoulder "What can I say, I'm quite the social butterfly, people starve for my attention." She says smugly and giggles.

"I guess that makes me one lucky son of a bitch to be able to get your undivided attention."

"Yes, you should be grateful." She looks at me all serious and then bursts out laughing. She moves into to kiss me. "You're so special to me Mr. Grey, even when I'm pissed off at you, you're special to me."

"I was special even when you threw me out of your apartment that night?"

"Yes, even then. To be honest, I was kind of surprised I did that." She laughs.

"Why?"

"Well, aside all the other feelings I had at that moment...my usual M.O. when someone yells at me is to cower down, after I so calmly made my demands and you had the audacity to yell at me, I was so mad at you and I was like no one yells at me in my apartment. So I threw you out." She shrugs playfully and laughs.

I have to laugh and give her small kiss and she goes back to answering messages and sending voice recordings on her phone.

"So did Barney have his first date?" I ask.

"First date, bro made it to the 4th date level. He's doing so well, I'm so SO happy for him. You saw his transformation right? WHAT. A. BABE. If Kate wasn't... well, Kate... and with Elliot, I would've totally introduced them but Kate would've eaten the poor thing alive. Emily seems like a really sweet and gentle soul. I'm supposed to meet them for dinner soon." She's so excited and it's infectious.

"Too bad, we can't go on a double date."

"You're into that stuff? I never would've guessed." She muses.

"Well, my girlfriend is keeping me her dirty little secret, so there's not much I can do."

"Does it really bother you that I want to keep this private?" she asks me in a small voice.

"Sometimes, but only because I want to experience normal life with you. I've never done any of that. Our day at Carmel by the sea and when we went to Eloise's was the closest I'd ever gotten and I want more of that. I'm sometimes jealous of your freedom, you can go anywhere and be yourself without worry of being found out and once we announce, that will be stolen from you. I don't want that either." I trace her bottom lip with my thumb.

She looks down. "That's my biggest fear too. Once we do tell the world everyone will come at us. Like even going to watch the movies will be such a hassle. I just want us to walk into a restaurant and eat food and be a normal couple. I want date night you know, like walking around, going to a gallery... but I'm also grateful that we have this. We have the comfort and privacy of our homes to just...be." she gives me a small smile. "Why are we so complicated?" she laughs.

"To make life a little fun otherwise we'd be boring like Kate and Elliot." I tease. She bursts out laughing. "I love you in all our complicatedness Mr. Grey." She leans, her lips just inches away from mine. "Ditto, Miss Steele, ditto." I kiss her and bite her lip.

"4 questions?" I look to her.

She smiles. "Sure, though since we never follow the format we should just called the game... 'Q&A tine'" she laughs.

"I'm fine with that, will do you do the honors?"

She nods. "So tell me Mr. Grey... where did you learn to sing?"

"Nowhere."

"Do you sing often?"

"Only in private, I've played the piano a handful of times in front of the family but that's pretty much it."

"Grace told me you are concert level good."

"I was. Now, I barely play."

"Does it bring you peace when you do?"

"Sometimes it did, most of the time it was just something to help distract me for a bit. "

"I wish I could play an instrument... I don't think I had the concentration for it." She laughs.

"What about singing? Don't you ever get nervous doing that in public? I don't know how you did it at the wedding."

"Oh trust me, I was forced to." She laughs. "I'd never headlined a wedding before. I mean Kiran was maid of honor and hostess at Rania's wedding but that was such an easy gig because Rania had a wedding planner and Kiran wasn't all over the place. She had so much fun. I'm never planning a wedding for anyone ever again." She laughs.

"As for the singing, everyone in Nita's family is so musical, Nani has a voice that can rip you to shreds...it's just... I can't even begin to explain. Kiran and her brother have really good voices with you heard. Nita and Alia Khala too, they all learned how to sing and I grew up hearing them sing. The dancing and singing is just a huge part of the culture, especially at weddings. I was super tone deaf by the way. But after the accident and trying to get my voice back and learning to speak again, I think the constant humming and trying to speak it really conditioned my vocal chords. Some people are born with natural talent and some have to work hard at it. I'm obviously the latter." She smiles wistfully.

"You sing with so much pain sometimes. Like on the first day of the wedding, the Kacey Musgraves song, I have never experienced emotion like that in public and then the next day at the wedding, the speech and the song you sang for Daniel's dedication to Kiran. The emotion of that was unbearable; I wanted to go up to you and hug you all those times. I had never felt that way before. I could never perform like that in public." I say as I feel the strain of my voice.

She looks down at her knotted hands and takes a deep breath. "Those songs were really hard to sing. Kiran really loved the Kacey Musgraves song, which wasn't so bad. I tried really hard not to cry but I was really tired that day and I was feeling a lot emotionally. Then Daniel and I actually really bonded our love for Ingrid Michaelson when we first met, he's such a sensitive soul that way. I wasn't surprised when he picked that song. I couldn't say no to him, I mean they didn't know what the song meant to me and besides... it was a small price to pay for their happiness." She shrugs with a small smile.

"Happy and Sad is like me personified. Since the accident and the rape, anytime I've felt remotely happy I've waited for that downpour of bad luck to rain on me and as for End of the World, that was all Ray. That album came out a few weeks before the accident and I am obsessed with Ingrid Michaelson, like her songs just hit you right where it hurts and it describes all these feelings I sometimes have and as painful as they are it's also like therapy. Sometimes just listening to them and having a cry can makes me feel better, like the grief has escaped me for a bit.

End of the world was my absolute favorite from the album and I listened to it on repeat in the days leading up the accident which if you think about it, was the end of the world for me. As if I had manifested it... Ray was my one constant you know, like oldest bond I had in life. He felt like my bloodline, I'm the only one to carry his name forward. Even though Nita and her family have embraced me, I'm not really one of them. I'm just this girl desperately trying to be worthy of them and their love, anyone's love really because I'm all alone in this world." Tears fall from her eyes.

"You give everyone so much of yourself Ana, how are you not exhausted?" I ask her as I embrace her pulling her face to my chest.

"Oh I'm bone tired but then when I look at the alternative, which is complete emptiness, then it's worth it to be emotionally exhausted all the time." She says quietly as she nestles her face in my neck.

"Did Ray have a good voice?" I ask.

She giggles "Oh god no, he was worse than me. Hold on let me show you. I have a video of him singing happy birthday to me. It was my 16th." She reaches to the coffee table to get her phone and nestles back in my embrace, she goes to her photo stream and clicks on the folder called Dad and quickly scrolls through till she finds the video. It's beautiful; Ana is so young with a tremendous light in her eyes. She's embarrassed, as Ray sings to her and she's right he's not a singer at all but his warmth is all that matters. He sings happy birthday to her in the most over the top way as Ana tries to hide her face from the camera hide behind Nita. Nita takes the camera from him and I see Ray go up to Ana and give her a big kiss on her cheek. "Happy Birthday my beautiful girl of Steele." He says to her as she blows out the candles. It's such a beautiful moment.

"Ignore my fat face, just focus on how beautiful Ray and Nita look." She giggles.

"You were beautiful even then." I say with all the sincerity in the world. "You don't have to say that Christian, I know the reality." Her voice is small.

"I'm being honest. You were like the cutest cherub." I chuckle and she slaps my arm and giggles.

"Show me more videos and pictures of Ray, he means so much to you, I want to get to know him too."

She looks up at me with wonder and smiles. "Here's the album, you can scroll through and see whichever one you like."

I take the phone and start clicking on random images and videos. Each one is more beautiful than the last. I notice she looks a lot like a tomboy in these. She's completely covered in all these pictures, wearing really ill-fitted, loose clothes and I wonder why. There are videos of her fly fishing and falling into the water, laughing out loud, learning how to drive and screaming at Ray to stop screaming at her, pictures of her in a headlock with Ray, holding a gun at the gun range like the bad ass she is. I see a picture of Ray in uniform from his youth. He was a really good-looking man, blonde hair and light blue eyes and he spent his life taking care of this beautiful girl as best he could. I hope to do him justice and keep her happy.

"Oh wait! I have another one I want to show you." She scrolls through her phone again and shows me a picture of her at Harvard standing with Nita. "I can't believe we were in the same room back then."

"Our story is 9 years in the making. If only I had seen you then. I know that if I had looked into your eyes.. it would've made all the difference." I kiss her and she nestles herself in the crook of my neck.

"The world would've kept us apart. Age difference and all, almost like the plot of a Bollywood movie" She giggles and I kiss her forehead.

"Miss Steele, that smart mouth of yours. I've missed it."

We sit in silence for a few minutes and Ana gets up from my embrace and looks to me again. "Is it okay for me to ask about your birth mom?"

I look at her and I really don't want to walk about this but I owe her more details than the fact that she was a crack whore who didn't take care of me.

As I go through this thought process she speaks again "I'm sorry, it's okay if you don't, it's just that I want to know about you too. So may be one day you can tell me more." She places her hand on my cheek and leans in to give me a chaste kiss.

"No baby, it's okay, I have to talk about this stuff with you, I do want you know everything about me even if it's unpleasant to recall."

She gets up and straddles me and gives me a hug and cradles my face in her hands. "I don't want it to be a scary experience, it's okay if you don't want to tell me right now, I really mean that. I just wanted to know about her and what she looked like. As painful as it is, she had to be more than a drug addict." She kisses me "We can talk about it another time." God, she is so fucking patient and gentle with me.

"I do have a picture of her." I take out my phone and scroll through some old emails. I pull up the picture and show it to her, it's a picture of the crack whore from when she was sober, before she had me.

Ana takes the phone and looks closely at it. "She was so beautiful. You have her smile and her intense grey eyes. What was her name?"

I look down and shrug "Her name was Ella. It bothers me to look like her. I wish I didn't. I wish she had the fucking decency to live for me and take care of me the way Grace did."

Ana cradles my face again and looks into my eyes and gives me a small kiss. "Ella is beautiful name. I've always liked it... I know how you feel, I look just like my mother and sometimes and it makes me hate myself because she never really cared for me either and I look like the woman who abandoned her own child to find her version of a happy ending with other men but it is what it is. I still try to love some part of her; even if is the most reductive idea of her being my flesh and blood, that someone out there shares my DNA. We can be angry at our birth mothers and still love them in some way."

I rest my face in her neck and try my best to keep my emotions at bay. I have so much anger in me. I cannot bring myself to have any positive thoughts about her. Ana rocks me and runs her hand through my hair planting kisses all over my face. She knows how to heal me and take care of me. I wish I had known her before, I could've been cured of all this bullshit and living a fuller life.

"Come cuddle with me in bed Mr. Grey, it's late." She tips my head back and gives me a soft kiss. We get up and she leads me to the bed. It's soft and warm and smells of jasmine. We get in bed and lie facing each other, she's bathed in blue light as she strokes my face and kisses me every now and then. She leans into me, resting her forehead on mine and starts to sing the most heartbreaking song. I remember hearing it in the playlist Kate shared with me. It's by her favorite artist.

_There's a house, that's not on a hill  
And the paint's chipping off  
Of the old window sill  
There's a tree in the front yard  
That's older than me  
And older than all of you_

_There's a smell that the heat makes  
It reminds me of Christmas  
And birthdays in December_

_I remember her  
I remember her  
I remember her so well  
I remember her  
I remember her  
I remember her so well_

_But things they fade_

_She would kiss my hand  
She would kiss my head  
Then she'd fall asleep with me  
In my tiny bed  
She would sing me lullabies  
Gave me my hazel eyes  
And then she'd call me beautiful  
She made me beautiful_

_I remember her  
I remember her  
I remember her so well  
I remember her  
I remember her  
I remember her so well_

_But things they fade_

She looks to me, tears in her eyes and her voice heavy as sings the following lines

_Things turn to grey  
As much as I try to save them  
They turn to grey_

_Just like the house, that's not on a hill  
With all of the rust on the gate  
The chips on the sill  
But I love it still_

She whispers the last line. She quietly cries as I kiss her. I hug her and crush her to me. I have no words to comfort her. I wish I did, I wish I could heal her like she heals me. I am so incapable.

"I don't deserve you, you've given me so much, you heal me in a way I never knew was possible and I can't do anything to take your sadness away, I have just added to it." I apologize as I look into her eyes.

"We're just going through growing pains. That's what Nani said last night when I spoke to her. She said that in order to grow we'll hurt each other, not intentionally of course, it'll just happen. Like, how babies when learning to walk, they fall repeatedly and cry but the more they do it, the stronger they become and the less mistakes they make. Their intuition gets stronger. You give me what I need, love and affection. You make me feel essential and desired. You want to protect me and that makes me feel so cherished. You want to give me the world and make a home with me, what else could a girl want?" She smiles at me, her cheeks glistening with tears.

"We're not mean to take each other's past sadness away, it's impossible, we can just be there for each other and comfort each other when those moments happen. When I tell you about Ray, as gut wrenching as it is for me to talk about him and remember him, I know I'm doing that with someone who really cares about me and even if you can't fully comprehend what I went through or the pain I feel inside from everything, as long as you're here and willing to hold me while I go through that, that's all I need. Feeling your warmth is all I need." She kisses me and I deepen it and I slide on top of her. He hands find my hair and she pulls me to her as we kiss each other, all moans and tongues.

"I need you Christian" she moans and opens her legs. I position myself and enter her, her reactionary moan is like an angelic chorus. She locks her legs over my hips tightly. I push into her more and more till I can feel her get close, I'm right there with as we both come together. It's a loud cathartic release full of intensity.

I rest my head in the crook of her neck as we try to calm our breathing but I realize I want more of her. I'm still inside of her when I raise my head and kiss her again, deeply. She lets me, as small moans escape her. She clings to me for life and let's me take whatever I need from her. I feel myself start to get hard again inside of her. Only she can have this effect on me. Fuck, I need her so much. My body yearns for her.

I pull her on top of me while I'm still inside her, my mouth still on her and she moans appreciatively. She sits up and pulls me up by my t-shirt. She takes off her own and helps me take off mine. Her hair falls over her shoulders, to her front, covering her breasts. I cradle her face as I kiss her, lick her lips and bite her bottom lip. She smiles against me as her hands pulls my hands down to her breasts, signaling me to knead them and I do. I love how she tops from the bottom. I'm all hers, at her mercy and I love it. She increases her speed, her rhythm of circling her hips; it's so fucking hot. I take her breasts in my mouth as she throws her head back and moans my name "oh god yes, Christian, harder, please." I bite down hard and she screams in pleasure "again Christian... fuck... again."

I love that I can make her feel this way, only me. She's mine. I push into her harder as I suck on her breasts. She pulls my head back and kisses me again, biting my bottom lip hard as she giggles and it fucking lights a fire within me. I grab her hair and pull her head back as I lick her neck and latch on to her, sucking her skin. With my free hand I tease her clit and she bucks forward and comes almost immediately and violently, clenching my cock as she screams. The pressure from her tips me over the edge as her orgasm rips through her body. I tense and pour myself into her "Ana, god Ana." Is all I can manage to say.

We both fall to the bed and try to catch her breath.

"So that's what they mean by makeup sex?" Ana giggles while still on top of me. I have to laugh, still trying to return my breathing to normal.

"Every kind of sex is amazing with you baby. I never knew it could be like this." I turn so that we're lying tangled with each other face to face.

"I guess the closer we'll get the more intense and fun it'll be." She looks to me, tracing her finger on my lips.

"In that case, sign me up for a lifetime pass on this ride." I kiss her again and she giggles.

* * *

_Sunday February, 2nd__, 2020_

**CPOV**

I feel Ana climb on top of me and lean down and shower my cheek with light kisses and it makes me smile.

"Wake up sleepyhead" she whispers as she sings.

She smells of roses. I open my eyes and look up. She looks so beautiful, bathed in the warmth of daylight. Hair blown out and swept to the side. She's wearing a mint green dress, her face completely flushed.

"What time is it?" I ask.

"It's a little after 10am"

"I never sleep that late, it's all your fault. How long have you been up for?"

She giggles "I guess I'm wearing you out Mr. Grey. I've been up since 7:30 or so. Went to a Pilates class and then came back and showered."

"Wait, where? Ana please don't ever go without security." I panic slightly.

"Oh god, chill out, it's literally down the block." She rolls her eyes.

"Did you roll your eyes at me?"

"Yep!" She laughs looking defiant. I slap her ass and she squeals.

I turn on to my back and tries to get off to allow me to get up but I grip her hips and sit up. She giggles and kisses me sweetly. "I guess you really are awake now." She grinds suggestively against me. "What can I say, the little fucker and I are addicted to you." I kiss her deeply as she giggles.

"Of course I go from zero sex to being with someone who's the lord of kinky fuckery." She laughs. "Kinky fuckery?" I ask. She giggles again.

"Vanilla with a side of kinky fuckery, I like the sound of that." I smile at her as I kiss her neck. "Vanilla?" She looks at me.

"Yeah, a regular vanilla relationship." I say.

She laughs "well I like vanilla as a flavor, it goes with everything so that works."

"Well, I'm in love with it, it's my favorite flavor now." I say and take my fingers to find her apex and she's sans panties, ready to go.

"Fuck baby, you're always so ready"

"You've turned me into an addict Mr. Grey. Now I need you all the time." She whispers seductively. She lifts herself and takes me all the way, closing her eyes and enjoying every inch of me.

She moves up and down as I kiss her, dancing with her tongue. Can every morning be like this? She puts her hands on my shoulder and pushes me back down and she increases her speed. She looks at me, biting her lip and I want to devour her. I turn and push her down to the bed and climb on top of her and push hard into her. She gasps and enjoys the feeling. I lower my lips to her and she hungrily takes me and invades my mouth and I pound into her. "Christian... please don't stop. " She begs and moans in between thrusts, "Fuck me... yes... Christian... yes, just like that..." I thought I had met my equal in every way but truth is I barely measure up to her.

I feel like an animal as I grunt and slam into her again and again, as hard as I can, getting her closer as I play with clit. "Come for me baby, let me hear you." I beg.

She let's go, tipping her head back, as she half screams and half cries in delight, it's a sight to see and hear. I find my glorious release after a few thrusts and fall on top of her gasping for air.

I lift my head her to look at her. She looks incredibly beautiful, sparkling blue eyes with bruised red lips from our kisses. She's all _mine._

"That's quite a good morning Mr. Grey." She looks at me with the cutest smile and giggles.

"I can't help but have a good morning when you're around."

She gives me a quick kiss. "Okay now seriously, wake up, I'm making breakfast." She turns to get up and I stop her. She looks up at me, puzzled, I kiss her long and deep again. I can't get enough of her, it will never be enough. I break the kiss and it takes her a few seconds to open her eyes, she's in a daze and gives me a dreamy smile. I love doing that to her.

Ana makes us greek omlettes with toast with turkey bacon and fried pieces of halloumi cheese along with some Kashmiri tea in addition to coffee. We sit at the counter, legs all tangled as we eat and talk about the upcoming week and our schedules at GEH. It's such a relief to be able to talk about all things with her, she's fully immersed in my life both personally and professionally and I would honestly not have it any other way.

After cleaning up, she heads to the bedroom to change her sheets and does the same for Kate's bed. "You're really like a mom to Kate, you cook for her, shop for her and even do her laundry and clean up her room. I'm a little jealous." She laughs. We both take care of each other in our own ways. She keeps track of my health both physical and mental, which keeps me alive, and I make sure she's fed which keeps her alive. We've got each other's backs. She's the sister I've always wanted. I'd do the same for Mia too." She smiles. Hearing that makes my heart soar.

I try to help her with the beds and laundry but she shoos me away since I'm so useless at anything domestic. I decide to take a shower and by the time I'm done, the beds are made and she's in the kitchen setting out all the ingredients to make cookies for her weekly GEH ritual.

"Can I get cookies this time too?" I ask and realize I sound like a child. She smiles back "Well you have an in with the chef so I can definitely save some for you." She winks.

"I meant, can we cheat and you can make me box of cookies that I can get at GEH. I wanna feel special too." I shrug like a child.

She comes to me and kisses me long and hard. "Dying to tell the world we're together?" she smiles and looks in my eyes.

"Yeah, kinda."

"You sound like a such a lovesick puppy Mr. Grey." She laughs out loud and kisses me again.

"Want to makes things a little fun?" she asks and she has that playful look in her eye.

"What do you have in mind Miss Steele?"

"Well I'm making an extra batch for Ros and Gwen anyway, when I'm heading up to her office to drop to it off, I'll text you and you can make up a reason to go see her. I'll bring both boxes since you would have supposedly replied to the initial announcement email and I'll be '_surprised to see you' _since I was going to leave the box of cookies with Andrea to give to you. It'll make the bet a bit more interesting with Ros too."

Oh fuck. I love her so much right now. "You think you'll be able to resist my charms?" I say smugly.

"Mr. Grey, it's like you don't know me at all. You have no idea what's coming for you tomorrow morning." She winks.

I grab her and kiss her roughly. Fuck I love this. It's like playing an elaborate scene. I break away from the kiss and she can barely form a sentence

"I..um... I... was not expecting that." She blinks trying to recover.

"Baby, you have no idea what I'm capable of." I smirk and she giggles.

"You should make yourself comfortable on the couch, working on the barstool doesn't kill your back?" she asks after a while.

"I want to be near you." I say truthfully.

"Well, I'm still in the same space and in your line of sight Mr. Grey." She says with a sweet smile. "I actually have to go to the corner market and get some sugar for the cookies, I'll be right back." She turns to go get her coat and wallet and I stop her.

"No, I'll go. You stay."

She arches her brow and gives me a look.

"Uh, judging by how lost you looked in the supermarket yesterday, I don't think you'd make it out of the place alive." She laughs. "How about we go together? And I'll give you a crash course in the corner market and then in the future when I have late night cravings, I can kick you out to go get me a snack from there." She giggles. I agree, I don't why something simple like that actually excites me.

We walk to the corner store with my arm draped around her neck and it feels so normal. If only it would stop fucking raining.

"I'm so used to walking all the streets with music in my ears. It feels so different walking with you and just listening to the sounds of the city." She muses.

"New discoveries in old places?" I look at her.

"Yeah, I guess so, I really like it." She smiles at me and I kiss her forehead.

"I really like it too, baby."

We get to the corner store and it's a mom and pop shop. They obviously know and adore Ana. She introduces me as her boyfriend and Mr & Mrs. Lioni, the owners, look me up and down and tell me to look after their best customer. I smirk and agree to do just that. She's got a whole army looking out for her. She gets the sugar, vanilla extract and three pints of ice cream, honey salted caramel almond for herself, Karamel sutra for Kate and cookie dough for Mia for their upcoming Tuesday date. She thinks of everything.

We get back to the apartment and she starts to put the ice-cream away. "I'm intrigued by this Karamel Sutra ice-cream." I muse.

She giggles "I know it's hilarious but it tastes amazing. It's caramel ice-cream with hazelnut chocolate with a caramel core. Hold on, you have to try it." She gets a spoon and brings the pint to me. She opens it and gathers a small spoonful for me and holds it out, as I try to take it she puts it in her mouth and giggles. I kiss her and taste in her mouth, she moans, I love having this effect on her. I take the ice cream and put in on the counter, she melts into my arms. I break the kiss and she opens her eyes and giggles again.

"You're right it tastes amazing." I smile at her. "

Stop distracting me, I have a million cookies to make." She goes to put the ice-creams away and I retreat to the couch to look over some work emails as she gets started on the cookies. Pretty soon the whole apartment smells like cookies, it's intoxicating. She hums and sings to herself through out.

"Is it okay if I put on some music?" she asks. "Sure baby, you never have to ask."

"Oh well you were working so I didn't want to be a distraction." She says as she puts another tray of cookies in the oven.

"It's all good baby, feel free to play your music."

"Hey Siri, play the cookie vibes playlist." She says. I have to laugh and she sticks her tongue out at me. She's so fucking adorable. She goes on about doing her thing and getting the cookie dough ready.

A song comes on and I think it's Portuguese but I'm not sure. I see her lightly swaying and humming, singing along here and there and I watch her for a bit.

"What song is this?"

She looks up and listens "oh this is Lisboa Kuya by Sara Taveras, she's Portuguese. Isn't her voice is like caramel? I love it."

She listens to music in all languages and it's all inspiring and captivating.

"Have you ever been to Portugal?" She asks as she puts in the first batch of cookies in the oven.

"Once, I think. During the second year of GEH but it was a quick trip. I didn't really see anything."

She then starts to tell me her plans to visit Portugal one day and proceeds to talk at break neck speed, completely engrossed in what she's doing, she doesn't even notice when I walk towards her... I guess this is what she meant about talking up a storm. It's fucking adorable.

"I really want to go. It's on my Top 5 countries to visit. I mean, yeah I want to go to Lisbon but I really, like REALLY want to go Porto and Lagos and... oh and Sintra... it looks so beautiful in pictures. There's this other city or tiny village I think, it's called Monsanto. They have these houses built in between these rock formations and it all looks like it's just naturally part of the landscape, in fact I should totally talk to Elliot about this too, he'll probably appreciate that, it's very fallingwater like minus the actual falling water... I actually want to visit Azenhas do Mar as well and sit around eating cherries and over looking the water, I think that would be so awesome... just real chill vibes, walking around and... then talk to the locals and hear wha..."

I grab her face and kiss her hard and then release her. It takes her a few seconds to recover.

"Breathe, baby. You were going at the speed of light there."

"Oh..." she giggles and erupts into uncontrollable laughter. "Sorry, I went off the rails."

"It was quite entertaining. I've never seen that side of you. Is this the storm you talk about?" I smirk. I give her a few more kisses as she laughs and then walk back to do some more work. She goes back to focusing all her attention on the cookies.

We barely speak after that, she's in her own zone, singing, baking, replying to texts and sending videos and voice recordings to everyone. She's so completely herself, so authentic in every way. I check the time and it's almost 6pm, she looks at me and asks "you mind if I order in? Sundays are usually order in days for me since I started this cookie situation."

"Sure baby, what do you want to eat?"

"Well, I really want pizza." She says with glee.

"Sure, what kind, I can go get it." I offer.

"No need, I'll just order it. Do you have a preference?" She asks. "Whatever you'd like baby." I reply.

"Okay, so I order from two places, it's a thing, I'll explain later." She picks up her phone and places the order via an app. I tell her to use my credit card and she rolls her eyes and giggles. "It's already done."

I text Taylor and ask him to add Ana to my personal black amex account tomorrow. I don't want her to worry about money or have to spend money. I know for a fact the $1 million still hasn't hit her account. I have half a mind to have my bank create us a joint account but she might murder me. I'll broach the subject with Ros I think and have her do my dirty work to get Ana to accept the money.

I email Caroline Acton and ask her for an appointment for Ana for Wednesday evening, time to be decided. I'll give her details tomorrow morning on the phone.

"Baby, what's your schedule for Wednesday evening?" I ask.

"Um... I'm home. I have a Pilates class at 6:30pm and them I'm here. Will probably hang with Kate. Why what's up?"

I get up and walk to her, trying to figure out how best to say this without her feeling overwhelmed.

"I've been meaning to do this for a while and I want you to know that this comes from a place from love so please don't misunderstand it."

Her eyes widen. "Okay." She says in small voice.

"I made an appointment for you with a personal stylist and shopper. Her name is Caroline Acton."

She looks down and swallows "you want to buy me clothes?"

I hold her face and make her look into my eyes and I see tears are forming.

"Baby, think of it as a gift. I know what you're thinking; none of the subs have ever met her. She would just send random stuff over. You are my girlfriend, I want you to meet her, go there and have your pick of everything. I want to give you everything you want. I don't want you to have to borrow from Kate or rent clothes or wear fucking hand me downs from Kiran ever again. You deserve everything custom for you, one of kind, couture pieces. Only the best for the love of my life."

Tears are falling from her eyes "You don't like what I wear?"

"No, I love what you wear, you look fucking amazing... I just never want you to worry about stuff like this and I want you to stop accepting shit from the Kapadia's. Enough of being in their fucking debt." I feel myself get tense but I quickly work to calm myself but kissing her forehead.

She slowly nods. "Okay, I get that... um... how does Caroline not know about the other women?"

"Well first of all she's signed an NDA and second, as long as her bill was paid in full, she knew not to ask any questions. In fact, Mia and Mom go to her too from time to time. It's not her business to know my shit unless I allow her. She even knows of all the best salons in the city and can book your appointments whenever you need it, in fact take Kate and Mia whenever you want to have a girls date. I want to take care of you and the people you love."

She gives me a small smile "Okay." I kiss her.

"I'm going to bankrupt you Mr. Grey, I have very expensive tastes and I know all of the designers names and their collections by heart." She giggles.

"Oh baby, I can't wait." I kiss her again.

"Can the appointment be at 8pm, I have a pilates class at 6:30pm and I don't want to miss it. I need these classes to keep my hip and lower back pain at bay."

Fuck, she's in pain?

"Wait, does it hurt when we have sex? Baby you need to tell me these things."

"No no, it just helps get me stronger. If I don't do it for a week or two I start to feel the withdrawal, maybe it's psychological but I really look forward to the classes."

"Okay baby, I'll let her know. Would you prefer Thursday evening instead?"

"Actually, that would be perfect." She smiles back.

"Thank you for letting me do this for you." I pick up and kiss her hand.

"Thank you for wanting to take care of me." She kisses my cheek.

The pizza arrives and it indeed is from two different places and wildly different. One is a thick crust grandma pizza from a small pizza place and the other thin crust, extra cheese with hot sauce with chicken pieces from dominos. She tells me that this is their standard pizza order for every Tuesday night. It makes me so happy that I can too experience this part of her life.

"Did I ever tell you that Elliot, Kate, Mia and I were supposed to come to Escala to practice on our dances before the wedding?"

I laugh, "No, wait when was this?"

"Well after we all met in Cabo and became best friends, we had to figure out a way to practice our dances. Mia, Kate and I were always able to meet almost every Tuesday and sometimes on Fridays too but Elliot was working on a huge project and it was difficult for him and then one weekend he finally had a day off and said his brother had a huge apartment and he would ask to use it. But I guess you said no so the plan fell through." She laughs

"Okay, yes now I remember. I said no. I didn't want to deal with the fucking noise and meet more of Elliot and Mia's "friends". God, now I feel like shit. I could've totally met you."

"You're such a snob." She sneers. "You know interestingly enough your name never came up in conversations which is why I never knew it was you until that Friday, well that and also because of the fake last name."

"Mia never told you my first name either?"

"Nope. I had a million things to think of, a standby groomsman was not on my radar to even ask about. Also, Elliot and Mia are blonde and... yeah I just didn't make the connection. It took me a whole 10 seconds to register you when you sat down. My brain just melted in fear. But later on Mia told me after we came back from the wedding that they understood how much you valued your privacy so they never announced freely that they were related to you and used a different name sometimes."

"That sounds about right, it's a security issue."

"Thank God we never came to Escala, I would have died"

I laugh. "Why baby?"

"Um, have you met yourself? I was terrified of you and I was still in my adjustment period of GEH, if I had met you and something went wrong and I lost my job I was going to have a nervous breakdown." She laughs. "I just didn't want trouble."

"You're never any trouble." I kiss her.

"Yeah, you say that now because I've brainwashed you!" She giggles. "No but aside from the anger I just found you intimidating and high handed. Not my vibe. The Christian I met at the wedding was so different, it was like you were two different people."

"I liked who I was when I met you, I'd never known that part of myself, it just felt so natural and I like who I'm becoming with you." I kiss the palm of her hand. "You know, now that I look back, Mia and Elliot yapped on and on about you after their Cabo trip at the following Sunday dinner and I didn't really pay any attention. They just said your names as Ana and Kate, no last names either and when we met at GEH you introduced yourself as Anastasia so I too didn't make the connection till I actually saw Kate in person at the wedding before you walked out. We were so blind and deaf to each other"

"The universe wanted a pure connection for us I guess." She smiles.

"I thank a higher power everyday for it." I give her a small kiss on her lips and she smiles back at me.

"Mia actually invited me over for thanksgiving too. But I declined because I had to wake up super early the next day." She says trying to stop herself from giggling.

"WHAT?"

She hides her face. "Yeah... Imagine if I had shown up, I would've died... Fuck, now that I think about it I could've totally hitched a ride on the jet."

"It would've been fucking amazing that's what it would've been... I would've had you for dessert AND joined the mile high club. Best weekend ever." I smirk.

"GOD, you are such a pervert, Christian. Besides, what makes you think I would've given YOU the time of day."

"I saw how your breathing changed when I held you hand and the color of your cheeks change. You wanted me, admit it."

"Fuck you. I was just nervous."

"Don't try and hide it. You wanted me."

"I was still confused at what I was feeling, the only want I had was to not get fired."

"Deny it all you want."

She rolls her eyes. "Whatever, I seem to remember a certain tongue tied billionaire in the elevator who suggested we were going home together in his LAME attempt to try and talk to me... but you made me laugh and I liked that. Made you seem a little more human to me." She smiles.

"Fuck, I was hoping you'd forgotten about that." I laugh and she leans into kiss me.

"I'm deadly, Grey. I don't forget embarrassing shit people do. I'm like a steel vault of secrets and blackmail and I hit back at the opportune moment." She laughs.

We get up to put away the leftover pizza and Ana's phone beeps.

"That's a ringtone for Kate's message, could you please check it and let me know what she's saying." Ana asks as she writes post its for Kate and Elliot giving them instructions for food should they want to have midnight snack cravings. She always looking out for all of us, making sure we're well fed and comfortable. We're so lucky.

"She just texted Lady Marmalade. ETA 11pm and a hilarious gif of Cardi B." I laugh.

Ana goes into a laughing fit and runs to me, takes the phone and texts back the following "Lady Marmalade x 2" attaching a hilarious gif of a woman fainting in church. I am so confused by girl talk.

Kate immediately responds with "KWEEEN!"

"What does that mean?" I ask, thoroughly confused.

"It's another facet of girl talk. It's her way of telling that Elliot are definitely doing it tonight. That way I sleep with my headphones in and clear the shared space of my existence before she comes home. It's been our 'sock on the door' policy if you will." She laughs. "Except now I get to use it too." She giggles. I shower her face with kisses and tickle her. "STOP CHRISTIAN! I'm gonna pee, stop." She laughs uncontrollably. As her breathing returns to normal and she puts the last of the post it notes on the food and organizes all the cookie boxes with beautiful crimson ribbons on them, she turns to me. "Okay so we essentially have an hour of peace and quiet before the heathens come back." I have to laugh because never did I think my life would be like this.

I go to put away my laptop and Ana follows me into the bedroom to get her clothes ready for tomorrow. She brings connects her phone to the bluetooth speakers in her room. It's her night vibes playlist and most of the music is relaxing. She's changed into an oversized t-shirt, her hair swept to the side and she's concentrating on what to pick out to wear tomorrow. She barely speaks, she just hums and softly sings as she goes about her routine. She's so meticulous about it, gentle and intentional. I love watching her. A song comes on and it might as well be talking about our nights together at the wedding. She sings it softly as she starts to put away her folded laundry. She's completely lost in her task. I close her door and lock it.

I move behind her and hug her, my face resting in her neck and she continues to sway placing her hands on mine that rest on her waist and giggles a bit.

_Puts his lips on my neck_

_Makes me want to give him my body_

_I be fallin' for you, baby_

_And I just can't stop_

_'Cause I never knew, I never knew_

_You could hold moonlight in your hands_

_'Til the night I held you_

_You are my moonlight_

_Moonlight_

_I lightly kiss her neck, still swaying. She keeps singing._

_Baby, I be fallin'_

_You're my moonlight_

_Moonlight_

She turns around and puts her arms around my neck and sings the following, smiling and looking into my eyes.

_He's so bossy_

_He makes me dance_

_Tryna sit in the back of his whip_

_And just cancel my plans_

_Sweet like candy_

_But he's such a man_

_He knows just what it does_

_When he's holding me tight_

_And he calls me "Moonlight" too_

I give her a long and deep kiss. She lightly moans into my mouth.

"I love you so much Mr. Grey!" she looks up at me with her eyes twinkling in the blue light.

"I love you just as much and more Miss Steele."

* * *

**Authors Note: **Just wanted to share some happiness given the crazy times we're in. Next chapter won't be drama per se but it will be more heart to heart conversations between Christian and Ana with a really fun exchange at GEH.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

**Music: **

I Remember her - Ingrid Michaelson

Lisboa Kuya - Sara Tavares

Moonlight - Ariana Grande.


	31. Chapter 31

Tis the day for cookie adventures at GEH.

* * *

Chapter 31 - Cookie Monsters.

_Monday, February 3__rd__, 2020_

**APOV**

I get done with my morning shower and blow dry my hair from yesterday to give it a little more life after spraying some dry shampoo in it. I finish my makeup and apply my perfume, a towel still wrapped around me. Kate texted me last night saying that Elliot and her were going to have a late morning so I didn't have to worry about making them breakfast. It's a little after 7:00, I go back into my room and Christian is fast asleep. I am tempted to wake him up but he looks so peaceful when he sleeps. I walk over to his side of the bed and kneel down. I run my hand in his hair and wake him up gently.

"Wake up sleepyhead. It's Monday morning." I whisper as I kiss his cheek.

He stirs a little "Do I have to? Can't I just play hooky with my girlfriend?" he croaks and whines.

I can't help but giggle. "You can most definitely play hooky but your girlfriend still has to work for a living and pay those pesky things called bills and loans."

"Just marry me already and you won't have to worry about that primitive shit." He growls and bites my palm. It makes me laugh; he's such a child sometimes.

"I'll marry you when the time is right, till then let me be happy and primitive." I kiss his cheek and work to get up from the floor and go to get dressed. He grabs my hand as he sits up and pulls me to straddle him.

"You'll marry me?" he's wide-awake and excited.

"I said when the time is right, Christian." I laugh.

"When do you think that will be? Can I get an ETA?" he's serious.

"How about we slowly work our way to an announcement that we're a couple, then we can tak baby steps towards marriage?" I say as I trace my thumb over his lips, I so badly want to kiss him but I can't be distracted right now. He hangs his head low like a baby boy who's been denied his favorite toy.

"Christian, look at me." I coax. He looks up. His eyes are dark and his face is tense. Oh boy, some negative feelings are forming.

"Right now we're in the honeymoon phase of our relationship..."

"Honeymoon phase?" he looks confused.

"Yes honeymoon phase, like rainbows and butterflies, it's all new and we're getting to know each other, yes we've had some ups and downs but over all, we're still very new. We're getting to know each other emotionally and sexually and it's exciting but marriage is a completely different beast. It's serious and we can't jump into such a heavy life commitment without having discussed all or most of our issues. There's still so much to learn.

How about we do a couple's session again with Flynn and talk to him about it? If we want to grow stronger then I think we should see him every now and then. It'll be good for us; we will evolve and become a better version of ourselves together. I want that for us, but I want us to take the right steps. I don't even know if you want kids. I mean do you want that? Because I do, I want to be a mother so badly but at the same time I'm not going to make you give that to me and resent me.

I want us to go into something like marriage with open eyes and ears, not just based on intense feelings of love. Love is great but it's not the complete answer to everything. We have to work at it. We need to want the same things from this life." His head is still hanging low but I see the wheels are turning, he's thinking.

"I understand what you're saying. I get it but I guess I'm just an impatient man. I want you completely and I want you to be mine and I want to tell the whole world that we belong to each other and... I want a home with you." He trails off as he looks up to me. I kiss him softly at the corner of his mouth. I love how he can say the most meaningful things with the simplest of words.

"That's a whole lot of wants for Monday morning Mr. Grey." I give him another small kiss.

"I'll set up an appointment with Dr. Flynn, Friday evening work?" he asks. I nod with a smile.

"Miss Steele, I have no idea when I'm going to have my fill of you next so excuse me while I take advantage of you this morning." He pulls my towel down as he bites my lower lip and runs his hands down my body. I take him in as licks my neck and grips my hips while I grind on him.

"Open your eyes and look at me baby." He holds my face and I stare at him as I start to move up and down. "Christian, I..." I throw my head back, I can't... the feeling is too intense.

"No, look at me, baby... please. I want to see your face as you feel me inside of you." I look back at him; his eyes are a stormy grey. Fuck this is intense. After a while, I can't hold it any longer, I close my eyes and feel my body burst into a million stars as I try to not make sound. My head falls forward and I whimper as my body trembles. He's still holding my face and I feel the tears fall from my eyes. It's intense. He kisses me and moans his release into my mouth. He continues to kiss me and I let him, I'm... gone. Once I find my equilibrium again, I open my eyes and he staring at me, still holding my face.

"I love watching you come baby, it's such a sight and sound to behold." he kisses my eyes and my cheeks and moves down to my neck. I can't help but giggle. He raises his face to me "I love you baby, so much. Never doubt that." He whispers against my lips.

I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him deeply. "I won't, I promise. I love you."

We get up and get dressed. I decide to wear a light pink cardigan top with a midi length cream white pencil skirt and silk nude heels from the wedding, I'd wear them forever if I could, they have the cutest bow on them. My outfit looks good, really good. Not the usual GEH uniform but I'm comfortable standing out now. Christian makes me feel confident. I curl my hair a bit to give it some bounce but tie it in a low bun. I decide to forgo my lipstick and throw it in my bag just in case. I ask Christian what he would like for breakfast and he tells me he'll get something at work. I insist on making him something but he kisses my forehead and just asks for coffee in a to go cup. I drink up my tea and eat a left over slice of pizza and he laughs at me.

"What? Cold pizza is amazing!" I tell him.

"You're so weird, Miss Steele." He quips.

"And yet you still love me."

"That I do, Miss Steele, that I most certainly do." he smiles. He takes a bite of the pizza and agrees.

I gather all the cookie boxes into three large tote bags. Sawyer comes up to carry two of them and Christian carries one. I feel so special and cherished. I make two small bags of 3 cookies each for Taylor and Sawyer and they give me their shy smiles. Christian rolls his eyes and I stick my tongue out at him. Before we get into our cars, he gives me a big embarrassing kiss on the lips and I can't help but laugh.

"Let the games begin Mr. Grey." I say before getting into my car.

"Oh Miss Steele, I have a feeling you're going to end up being a sore loser." He winks and I know exactly what he means.

As I sit in the car, my mind goes back to our little spanking adventure and I feel my body temperature rise. My body completely betrays me. I need to work on my game; I cannot let him affect me like this in public. Time to channel that girl of Steele.

I get to GEH and my first stop is at the front desk to give Jimmy and Tom packets of cookies for their morning coffee run. Next I head to the facilities and security department on 3rd to drop off the box of cookies in their break room and greet everyone who's in.

I make my way to 18th and finally get to my desk. People are slowly pouring in and the day is starting. I quickly type out an email and send it to my cookie list subscribers.

"Good Morning fellow GEH'ers,

I trust you all had a fantastic weekend. The sun is finally out today and I have 10 boxes of cookies to start of your week on a high note. The first 10 people to reply to this email will be blessed. Meet me at lunch time on the 5th and be sure to have an interesting tidbit to share from the weekend, either something fun that happened or something new you learned. I can't wait to hear from you all.

As always, please do NOT click "reply all" to this email. Reply to me only. I don't want to get yelled at by IT for clogged inboxes.

P.S. if you have had the good fortune of winning cookies in the past two weeks, please know that you are not eligible for the giveaway for another week. You can only win once every 3 weeks. I want others to have a chance of winning too.

May the odds ever be in your favor.

Ready. Set. Reply.

Best,

Ana."

It's been only 3 minutes and I've already gotten 22 replies. It warms my heart. I suddenly get an idea. I know he wants to go public. I'm going to up the stakes a little. Christian won't know what hit him.

It's almost 10 am and I decide to text him.

**CPOV**

I read Ana's cookie email and have to smile. She's so fucking adorable. No wonder she has this whole god damn company wrapped around her finger. I try to focus but all I want is to summon her to my office and fuck her senseless. I have to actively keep myself from looking at the chair where she fucked me with her mouth. It's such a wonderful distraction. It was one of the things that kept me going and tortured me for the 6 weeks we were on the outs. I'm so fucking happy we're on our way back to normal.

My phone beeps and it's a text from Ana.

AS: Mr. Grey, when would you like to start?

CG: Ready whenever you are.

AS: I'll be up in another 5 minutes then.

CG: I'll head over to Ros' office.

This is so fucking exciting. She is so fucking playful. I head over to Ros' office and knock on her door.

"Oh hey Christian, come on in. What's up?" She asks, a little distracted by whatever she's reading on her screen.

"I wanted to check in about the Rahman Industries meetings."

"Yeah sure, our first one is tomorrow, they're bringing their team of lawyers and we're going to set this baby in motion. Mrs. Rahman insists to be part of the meetings too, so I have to remind Travis to bring Ana as well. We need a familiar face in there that can make them feel at ease."

I hear Ana's laughter down the hall as she says something to Andrea and then her heels heading towards Ros' office. Game time.

She makes it to the doorway and I look back at her and my jaw drops a little. She's done something to her hair since I last saw her, it's open and swept to the side, it's fucking sexy and she's wearing bright red lipstick, she looks like she did on the wedding intro lunch with the pink blouse. Fuck, she really knows how to play.

"Good morning...Oh I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt." She says as she knocks, holding only one box of cookies. That's odd, she's supposed to have two.

"No, don't be silly Ana, we were just talking about you." Ros gestures her to come in.

"Good morning, Miss Steele." I give her a smirk and look her up and down. She clocks my appreciation but looks unaffected.

"Good morning, Mr. Grey." She says impassively. Fuck she is good.

"Ros, I brought some more cookies for Gwen. I hope she has a good week." She says softly with a loving smile.

"Bless you Ana, I swear as we get closer to the birth date, it's getting more and more difficult to deal with this pregnancy shit. She's super woman but I'm so fucking done." Ros grumbles.

"You guys are almost there, 6 more weeks right?" Ana giggles.

"Yes, 6 long weeks." Ros answers, rubbing her face.

"Miss Steele, I thought I won a box too?" I interject and she looks at me.

"Well Mr. Grey, you did but you replied to the general email, which means you have to pick up your box at lunch time with the other mere mortals." She says deadpan. Fuck, she's changing the rules.

Ros chuckles. "Wait, why does Ros get special treatment?" I ask offended.

"Well, I'm friends with Gwen and Ros and Ros is the most efficient way to get cookies to her. They aren't on any list, just like my friends at front desk, IT or the facilities and security staff."

"But I'm the owner, surely that counts for something?" I smirk.

"I think it will really help company morale if they saw someone of your stature participating at the employee level... you know, taking an keen interest in seeing how the other half lives. Could improve your street cred." She says without smiling but with a raised eyebrow and I can sense the sarcasm in her voice.

Ros laughs. Ana looks at her and finally smiles "Ros, I'll see you on Saturday, I'll get details from Gwen and please let me know I can help out with anything other than cookies." She turns to leave.

"Actually Ana, accounting told me you never accepted the bonus we sent you as a thank you for the Rahman Industries deal." Ana's body languages changes and I can tell she's uncomfortable.

"Ros, you really didn't have to do that. It's really too much." She says in a small voice.

"Ana, just take it. We owe you; you have done so much in just a few short months here. We want to show you how much we value you. We insist. Also, tomorrow is the first meeting we have with the Rahman industries team of lawyers to begin transfer to GEH. Let's meet in the conference room here around 10am. They're coming in at 10:30"

Ana gives a small smile. "Okay, I'll go talk to accounts. Thank you, I really appreciate it and I'll be here for the meeting." She smiles and then and walks out.

Ros looks to me and bursts out laughing. "Christian, she hates your guts." I laugh. "Fuck off Ros, I don't give up that easy. I am going to win this bet and you're going to eat your words."

"She put you in your place, the only thing I'm going to be doing is laughing and eating cookies." Ros laughs again.

"Fuck you." I say grinning as I get up and leave.

"Good luck with the mere mortals at lunch time, I might just come down to see her rip you into pieces." Ros calls out after me as I leave her office. I can't help but laugh.

I walk past Andrea and ask her to follow me into my office.

"Andrea, I need to talk to you about something."

She looks concerned. "Yes sir?"

"I haven't told anyone at GEH besides Travis about this, I'm slowly making my way to tell Ros, HR and PR eventually but since you handle most of my personal affairs, I thought it'd be best to tell you first and I trust you. You've been my assistant for the past 6 years and have survived everything I've thrown at you."

She swallows and quietly nods.

"Miss Steele and I met at her cousins wedding on Thanksgiving weekend. She didn't know I was part of the wedding and well, we've been seeing each other since then and obviously trying to keep it under the radar, she prefers to keep this private more than I do but we are going to be talking to all the necessary departments soon. I just want you to keep a look out for her. Once word gets out, I have a feeling there will be some ill will against her and I need you to keep a check on things and let me know if anything gets out of hand. In addition, I'm going to be enlisting your help to organize certain things for Miss Steele, please make sure Olivia doesn't catch wind of this."

Andrea's face softens and she smiles.

"Sir, may I?"

"Sure, go ahead Andrea."

"Thank you for trusting me. I appreciate it. Miss Steele is wonderful and has such a kind heart, and I'm happy for you both, she's brought such a wonderful energy to this place. I'll be sure to keep a look out and help in anyway I can. I'm honored you chose to share this with me."

I smile. "Thank you Andrea, I'm really happy she's in my life."

Andrea smiles again. "Please let me know what you'd like to organize for Miss Steele."

"I ask Taylor to have her added to my personal black amex account, check in with him if he hasn't been able to, please take over and have that done. In addition, call Caroline Acton and transfer the call to me."

"Consider it done. Thank you sir." She gets up and walks out. I feel a sense of relief. I've got two people on my team here and now 3 more to go. Slowly, but surely. A couple of minutes later, Andrea tells me she has Caroline on the phone.

"Mr. Grey, long time, no speak. How can I help? The usual capsule collection to be sent to Escala?"

"Good morning, Caroline. No, things will be different this time. I need an appointment for my girlfriend, Anastasia Steele, for Thursday evening say around 6:30. She'll need a combination of formal wear, work wear and lingerie. She's got impeccable style and I'm sure you'll both hit it off. I know you have an in with all the major salons in the city, so please help her out with any of that stuff should she ever need it. However, please make sure Esclava is not on your list of recommended salons for her."

"Understood Mr. Grey, I'll take care of everything and look forward to meeting her." She says with enthusiasm.

"Thank you Caroline and please make sure to not mention any prices or the bill to her."

"Noted. We'll make sure to take good care of her. Thank you for your continued business, Mr. Grey, I appreciate it."

"Thank you, Caroline. Have a good week."

I take a few more calls and 2 meetings and realize it's half way into lunch hour. Fuck I need to go down to 5th to get cookies. Dare I say I'm a little nervous? She's bringing them game down to her turf. She's so clever.

I tell Andrea I'll be back in 30 minutes and head down to 5th. The elevators open, I walk into the atrium where people are eating and conversing and relaxing . I look around and see a group of people huddled around Ana. Of course, she's Miss Popular and everyone just gravitates towards her. She has her back to me, I hear her laughing and gives a high five to one of the men across from her on the table. As I walk towards her, I feel the room stop what they're doing and turn their eyes on me. They've never seen me here, the men fear me and women melt in front of me. As I get closer to her table, everyone's expression changes and one of the women, she looks familiar, this must be her friend Val, communicates with her eyes trying to tell Ana that I'm standing behind her. It becomes deathly silent around her.

"Miss Steele." I call out to her.

She slowly gets up and spins around, all serious faced. "Mr. Grey, nice of you to join us. I almost gave your cookies away, didn't think you were interested in them."

"I had a meeting that ran over, but I'm here now." I smile. Everyone is literally looking at us. Like we're animals about to attack each other in the wild.

"I see. So, care to share anything interesting you learned or did this weekend?" She has a fire in her eyes, face completely neutral. Fuck, she is _good._

"Well, I learned this morning that cold pizza tastes amazing." I tell her as I give her my panty-dropping smile.

She arches an eyebrow and cocks her head to one side "You mean to tell me you were today years old when you learned the universal fact?" She's making fun of me, and everyone around her gasps at her audacity.

"I'm in the midst of discovering a whole new world Miss Steele." I smirk.

"Well I'm glad you're learning the ways of us mere mortals." She sneers and I can't help but chuckle. "Here are your cookies. I hope you enjoy them." She says with a small smile.

"Oh, I fully intend to Miss Steele. I've heard so much about them." I smile back.

"Have a good day Mr. Grey." She slightly nods and turns around to say goodbye to her colleagues and walks around me to go across to another table. I quickly turn around to exit the atrium completely and everyone watches me as I leave, I can feel a million eyes on me. As I hear a series of gasps at our exchange.

Well played, Miss Steele, well played. A part of me wants to spank the fuck out of her the other wants to worship her. She's exhilarating.

I get to the elevator and take out my phone to text her.

CG: Well, well Miss Steele, that was quite a show.

AS: You're dealing with a professional Mr. Grey. I warned you.

CG: I don't know whether to spank the fuck out of you or worship at your feet.

AS: I wouldn't mind the former followed by the latter.

CG: You're driving me crazy.

AS: Oh this is just the beginning Mr. Grey. I love you.

CG: I love you, baby.

I'm one lucky son of a bitch.

The rest of the day drones on. Ros comes into my office for a quick 5 mins. "Heard you got schooled at lunch time." She teases.

"How the fuck do you get your information Ros?" I feign irritation.

"Heard it through the grapevine, plus women and gays spread information way faster than the Internet. You have no idea." Ros laughs.

"Yeah well, it isn't over. Our bet was for Saturday and I will win."

"Yeah, sure you will." She rolls her eyes. "Listen I'm going to take two cookies from your box. I couldn't resist eating some from mine and Gwen will kill me if she doesn't get all 12. Thanks Christian, just think of it as saving a marriage." She takes 2 cookies from my box and walks out. Only Ana can bring this level of fun and warmth into my life.

**APOV**

I walk around Christian and make my way towards where Jose is sitting. His jaw is on the floor and his eyes are about to fall out.

Just as I'm about to sit down, Val runs over and Jose stands up and drags me out of the atrium with Val following us again. He takes us into the fire stairwell and the Spanish Inquisition begins.

"WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK WAS THAT?" Jose is almost crying.

"What do you mean?"

"THAT. HIM. HERE. TALKING TO YOU. THAT NEVER HAPPENS STEELE."

"Why are you treating this like it's the end of the world?"

"End of the world? Bitch, more like... he's about to rock your word. He's INTO you."

I roll my eyes. "Jose, he's the owner of this place. He is not into me, he probably just making a little effort to appear normal after I spoke with him about the employee satisfaction stuff with HR. Also, him rocking my world would be a MAJOR HR VIOLATION."

"Well, there's definitely one employee he's looking to satisfy." Val smirks.

Jose high fives Val. "Solid one, V."

"You guys are CRAZY." I chide them.

_Don't smile. DON"T YOU DARE SMILE ANA. Don't let them win. GIRL OF STEELE. Think about oil spills, Ana. Rats in the NYC Subway._

"I need to talk to Ros about this." Jose starts to take his phone out.

Maybe I should try and test the waters with this. See what they really think.

"Ros thinks I don't like him and I told her that I am strictly professional with him because well, you saw what he did to Angela when she tried to be overly friendly for no fucking reason."

"Bish, that was different. Grey, just came down to the motherfucking atrium to pick up COOKIES. FROM YOU. HE WANTS TO BE YOUR COOKIE MONSTER BABY." Jose cackles like a witch.

I roll my eyes. I can't even ask them hypothetically what they think would happen if I considered going out with Christian. I need to talk to him tonight. I don't want to lie anymore. I'm tired of keeping secrets from my friends. I want to breathe easy again and I want to include them in my life fully.

We walk out of the fire stairwell and make our way back to the atrium. Val goes to talk to a few of her friends form HR and I ask Jose to accompany me to the Health Bar down the street to pick up a juice before our lunch break is over.

We walk down the block, it's freezing but I don't mind. My racing thoughts are distraction enough.

"Hey listen, don't think too much about it. We were just joking." He clocks my worried expression.

I laugh. "I know... that's not what's on my mind."

"You've been really out of it for the past two weeks, is everything okay?" He goes from playful to serious and I've rarely seen this side of him unless we're actually working on something for GEH.

"Jose, can I ask you a question. I want you to be brutally honest with me."

"Have I ever lied to you?"

I have to laugh again. "No, you're always painfully direct, as I endeavor to be with you."

"Shoot."

"If someone who you considered a friend came to you with NDA and asked you to sign it for valid reasons... would you be offended? Would you feel like they thought you weren't trustworthy?"

"No. I'm a lawyer, we live and breathe NDAs and if my friend wanted me to sign one I'd fucking do it for their piece of mind and honestly my own cause if shit got leaked, I know I'm protected cause this brain up here is fort motherfucking knox."

I give my juice order and we wait by the windows of the café.

"Jose, I've been dying to tell you some things but unfortunately, I belong to a family that requires me to sign an NDA and for the longest time, I haven't been able to have real close friendships except for my friend Kate, because I was always afraid that making them sign an NDA would complicate things... I never wanted to put that level of pressure on someone you know... and there's a bunch of really fucked up shit I've gone through that I don't can't risk people knowing. I'm just scared. You've been such a good friend to me and you've been my rock here and you've shared personal things with me... I want to reciprocate but..."

He looks to me wide-eyed. "Ana, send me your NDA and I will sign it."

"Please don't be mad at me." I say with a strained voice.

"You may be an asexual freak but I could never be mad at you. I get it, life is complicated and messy and if this will make you feel safe then what kind of a friend would I be to deny that?"

"Thanks Jose, this means so much to me." I go to pick up my juice order and walk back to him.

"I'm not going to hug you though... I don't want to risk getting any asexual vibes rubbed on to me or be seen with you holding that fucking piece of shit drink."

"At least try it Jose, it's good for you. Look, it may look purple but it has apples, lemons, orange juice and beets. It tastes like apples and orange juice, I swear."

"Get the shit away from me before I shove you into oncoming traffic."

I can't help but laugh. Scandalized Jose is my favorite.

I get back to my desk and text Christian.

AS: Mr. Grey.

CG: Miss Steele.

AS: I was wondering if you'd be available for a phone date this evening. Have some stuff on my mind and wanted to get your take on it.

CG: Is clothing optional for this phone date? How about an in person date? I think that will be even more fun.

AS: You perv. I'm serious.

CG: I'm serious too.

AS: You're insane. You'd be willing to stay the night again? I'd really like that.

CG: Of course baby, I'll have Gail pack us dinner and will bring it to your apartment.

AS: THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY. Haha. I'll be home by 7:45pm at the latest. I have a Pilates class that ends at 7:30.

CG: See you soon, baby.

...

**CPOV**

After two rounds of shower sex and dinner, Ana and I settle on the couch with a glass of wine while she sips on her tea.

"Why tea?" I ask.

"I was never into coffee and then when Nita came into our little family, she always drank chai which I love but she also loved this orange mint tea and it became sort of a tradition with us. We'd drink tea and talk about everything. I have a similar tradition with Nani. I drink chai with her and we eat oranges in the sun whenever we can." She smiles.

"I find it fascinating that you have all these very unique traditions with everyone you know."

"Well yeah, I mean, it's like having a secret handshake and it bonds us. When it's warmer, I'll make you chai and we'll eat oranges in the sun and gossip about everyone we know and you can tell me how you like it." She laughs and I lean in to kiss her.

"I can't wait, baby."

"Did you have any traditions like that growing up, something only shared with Mia or Elliot or your Mom and Dad?"

"Now that I think about it, Mia would always sneak up milk and oreos to my room when I was grounded which was all the fucking time and then she'd talk for... forever but I had the Oreos to help numb the pain of her incessant yapping."

"I bet you loved it." She giggles.

"Yeah, I did but don't tell her that. I'll never be able to get rid of her then."

"What about Elliot?"

"We'd sneak into the liquor cabinet and raid the pantry." I smirk.

"Why am I not surprised?" she laughs.

"With Dad it was the secret trips to Eloise. With mom... well, this was when I first came to live with them. I would have nightmares and wake up screaming. I wouldn't let Grace comfort me, I was... too scared. So She'd just hold her hand out for me to take and we'd walk down to the piano and she'd play for me..."

She leans in and kisses my cheek. "Is that why you are so fond of the piano?"

"Yeah I guess."

"It's beautiful."

I give her a small smile and pull her legs into my lap and run my hands over them

"So tell me, what's on your mind baby?"

She takes a deep breath. "Lot's of things..." she trails off and takes a few moments. "I went to go buy some fresh juice with Jose during lunch after I gave you the cookies and I broached the subject of an NDA with him. I asked him how would he feel if a friend made him sign one and whether or not he'd be offended that the friend thought he was untrustworthy... he said he was a lawyer and that he lived and breathed NDAs and he understood that life is sometimes complicated and messy and if it made me feel safe then who was he to deny me that."

"That's a solid answer."

"I know... I just... I've realized that I've had all these friendships where I've kept people at arms length. Aside from Kate, I haven't really had friends... I mean real close friendships. I hated making people sign shit because I didn't want to be looked at differently. Kate is moving on in her life now and I can't always rely on her you know... not that I'm looking to replace her, I just mean... I want my life to grow. I want to be able to invite friends over to my place and cook for them and be my real self with them. Not just this compartmentalized version... I don't know... I feel like I've been lying and I feel like an asshole. People tell me these really personal things about themselves and I... I... as much as I love my family, I need to have friends. " She tips her head back and rests it on the sofa looking up. "I don't know what I'm fucking trying to say..." She covers her face and tries to breathe.

"Baby, look at me."

She takes another deep breath and turns her head towards me but doesn't look me in the eye.

"How about we break everything down?"

She starts to giggle and falls into a laughing fit and it's contagious. "You sound like Flynn." She then goes to do an impression of him repeating what I said.

"Yeah, he does tend to say that."

"I really like him, he's the only therapist that's makes me laugh and he gets it. The British accent also helps I think." She laughs again "My therapists in Portland were absolute shit... that's why I never went to therapy."

"Yeah Flynn is good. Don't tell him that. He has and ego the size of Texas."

"He should, he's good at what he does." She giggles.

"How about we lie in bed and you tell me whatever is on your mind. Start from anywhere..."

She nods and we go to her bed and climb in.

"You want to tell Jose about us?" I start.

"Eventually... thought he will lose his shit when I do." She giggles. "He actually lost his shit during lunch... oh god... he literally dragged me across the atrium after you left and interrogated me in the fire stairwell and oh god... he said the most ridiculous thing..." She falls into a laughing fit, almost howling. "he said... Grey came down to the atrium to get cookies from you... he wants to be your cookie monster baby."

I can't help but laugh and kiss her forehead. "Yeah, he's definitely got a point there."

"I can't believe I did that though... I think everyone lost their minds." She says trying to calm her breathing.

"Yeah, it was fucking hilarious, your little show made the rounds at GEH for sure. Ros thoroughly enjoyed how you ripped me to shreds in front of the entire lunch crowd." she bursts out laughing again. She's delirious now. I can tell it's because she's tired but still I'm glad she's laughing. She snorts and then laughs again. There's something on her mind but she's trying to fight it. I really want to know what's going on in that brain of hers but I don't want to push her either.

"I was really good wasn't I?" she says smugly, "Even that 1000 mega watt smile you tried to lay on me didn't work."

I laugh again, fuck I really love this woman, and she's so out of my league. "Yeah I noticed, I couldn't believe you were able to resist me, I'm offended." She kisses me, invading my mouth.

"I can't resist you in private but in public, I can channel my inner Steele and it can get me through most things. Ray and Nani taught me all that." She giggles.

"Well Miss Steele, Saturday will be a whole different ball game. You will most definitely lose. I guarantee it," I declare.

"Careful Mr. Grey, if I can resist you at work, a baby shower is _literally_ child's play for me." Her tone is full of sass.

She looks up with those beautiful innocent blue eyes "Sorry about changing up everything on you last minute, I just thought that if we met in public like that and people saw us interact it would make the eventual announcement not such a shock." She really is brilliant.

"No baby, I had so much fun, I love when I can get to see these different sides of you. And I think that was a brilliant play you made."

"Ray gave me the gift of foresight, I still get things wrong sometimes, but usually I can make the situation work to my advantage." She says with pride.

"I think I should retire and let you run GEH with Ros." I laugh

"No thanks, GEH is your baby, you take care of it." she giggles.

"By the way, I told Andrea about us today. She handles a lot of my personal affairs and I figured it was good to have her in my corner before we eventually tell Ros, Catherine and Caleb from PR."

She covers her face. "Oh god, Andrea knows, does that mean Olivia knows?" She's freaking out.

"No Olivia doesn't know and Andrea will keep it that way. She said she was really happy for us and she'll keep an eye out for you. She adores you."

"I feel so awkward now." She says, looking down.

"Don't be baby, Andrea can help with anything when I'm not available, she will take care of you."

"Thank you, Christian, for loving me and always thinking of me." She says as her voice cracks.

"It's all I ever want to do baby." I kiss her forehead and she moves in closer and puts her head on my chest and I tense momentarily tense. She immediately moves away.

"I... I.. I'm sorry, I forgot." She says and I hear the fear in her voice.

"It's okay baby... you didn't hurt me... I just need to get used to it... " I try to pull her close again.

She gives a small smile. "No, it's okay. You don't have to." She turns away and I pull her back to my chest and kiss her neck.

"I'm sorry." She says in a small voice.

"You didn't hurt me, Ana. Don't worry." I kiss her cheek and she nods.

"I spoke to accounts today and the money got transferred into mine." She tells me.

"Good, otherwise I was going to open you a new account in my bank and just have it done."

"You wouldn't dare, Grey."

"You have no idea what I'm capable of Miss Steele."

She giggles. "Control freak... this feels really weird, Christian."

"I know... but we slowly have to tell people closest to us at work anyway."

"Yeah, I know. God, Jose and Val will bury me alive and Ros will oversee the burial in full COO mode." She muses and I can't help but laugh.

"Ros is really going to be pissed but I'll let you handle her."

"Fuck you. Leaving me to do all the dirty work."

I shrug. "They all love you more than me anyway, might as well have you do damage control."

"Ass." She giggles.

"Andrea is going to reach out to you this week. I added you to my black amex account so she'll have your card by Thursday if not earlier."

She looks at me stunned. "Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"Why are you adding me to your credit card. I don't need another credit card."

"Because I don't want you to spend money and worry about bills. I want to take care of you Ana." I say as sincerely as I can.

She immediately gets up from the bed and walks to her chest of drawers and opens one and takes something out.

She walks back with a wallet and starts to lay out 6 black amex cards. WHAT THE FUCK?

She starts to point to each and says a name "Nani. Nita. Uncle Rish. Kiran. Rania. Karan and that asshole also sends me his card but I always throw it in the trash."

I'm dumbfounded.

"I also have two joint accounts; one with Nani that has $10 million in it and one account with Nita that has $4 million in it. But I have never touched them in these 4 years. Every year they add money to it and nothing changes on my end. These black amex cards, with the exception of using Nita's black amex card for groceries a handful of times in college because I was desperate... I would immediately pay off as soon as I got my paycheck from the library campus job or hardware store or whatever little gig paid first... I never used anyone else's card. Kiran and Uncle Rish's cards? I only used them for wedding related purchases, like paying the vendors or stationary etc. I even made a whole spreadssheet with all the expenses for them to refer to if they had any questions about what I used the cards for. Any of my trips out to SF or Big Sur, I paid for myself. "

What. The. Hell.

"Ana... why? Nita and Nani have given you that money, why don't you use it?"

"Because it's not mine."

"You mother and grandmother want you to have that money."

"It's not my money and I am not going to spend it."

"You mean to tell me, you'd rather stay in debt than use the money that your family gave you?"

"I'm telling you, I'd rather pay off my debt with my own hard earned money."

It takes me a while to process everything. She looks at me for a bit and then starts to gather the cards and put them back in the wallet, places it on her side table and climbs back into bed.

"Ana."

"Christian."

"Don't be mad at me, baby"

"I'm not mad, Christian, I'm just... I wish you all would stop treating me like this fucking broken china doll, okay. I mean I already feel so fucking broken all the fucking time. I'm so fucking sad all the time. I don't need it to be reinforced and to be reminded that I don't come from money. I know it's coming from a good place but... " she takes a deep breath. "I'm just at a loss of words right now..."

"Ana, I don't want you to worry about anything ever again."

"I know but you have to understand that... that's not how my dad raised me. All these things are just illusions and if I fall in love with the ease of all this then I'll lose myself and...I don't ever want to lose who I am."

"You won't Ana. You have strong foundations. Don't you trust yourself?"

"I don't know. Maybe I should meet Flynn again this week. I've got a lot on my mind and I've been all over the place since the Rahman deal." Tears start to fall from her eyes but she wipes them away. "I just want to go back to before the accident... where I was fearless and had all these fucking plans for my life. I was going to go to Harvard or some other Ivy League on the east coast on a full scholarship, I had the grades and extracurricular activities to match... I was going to travel the world... whatever... fuck this shit. I just want to go to sleep now."

"Look at me baby."

"Christian, I'm fine. I just want to listen to some calming music and go to sleep."

She turns to pick her phone and to set her alarm and clicks play and turns to be and puts her arms around me neck and holds on to me and breathes. I kiss her temple and her cheek and rub her back.

"What's this piece called? It's beautiful."

"It's a small instrumental called Four Elections. I made this 3 song playlist that helps me fall asleep, I usually knock out before the end of the second song... the second one is called Boy 1904 and the third is called when the sky pours down like a fountain by a band called hammock.. They remind me falling asleep in my bed in Montesano. When I was 5, Ray built a skylight in my room because he knew how much I loved looking at the moon and the stars. It was my view pretty much everyday for 12 years."

I hug her tight. "You miss it..."

"Every night. The room with the skylight we had at the resort was the closest I'd ever gotten to having that back in my life." I feel her tears against my neck.

I hold her and kiss her temple, imagining the fearless girl who fell asleep every night while counting the stars and dreaming of all the possibilities the world held for her.

The girl, whose eyes I wished I had looked into all those years ago.

* * *

**Authors Note: **I'm rearranging my already written chapters, I'm not sure what the next one will be about, probably Ana opening up about Carla. We shall see.

**Music:**

Four Elections - Thomas Newman

Boy 1904 - Jonsi, Alex Somers

When the Sky Pours Down Like A Fountain - Hammock


	32. Chapter 32

I hope you all are doing well. It's getting crazy here with the rise in cases in USA.

To the Guest who keeps trolling on my spelling. The 'piece of mind' was an intentional present for you. I hope you've been well. I'll change it now. Just want to make sure you're still paying attention :)

This is a bit of a filler chapter, but I really like the idea of them getting to know each other better and talking.

* * *

Chapter 32 - _Intentions._

_Tuesday, February 4th, 2020_

I wake to an empty bed. I check the time and see that it's almost 7:15. Before Ana, I'd be done with an early morning by 6am, ready and breakfast eaten by 7am and at work by 7:30 at the latest. Even since Ana, I feel the need to slow down. I want to relax. I want to stay in bed with her. I want to enjoy my life with her. I went back to my punishing routine when she wasn't here and I hated it. I did it to distract myself but I realize I prefer this. Claude probably thinks I've died again. I should text him back.

I see her walk into the room again with a towel wrapped around her and her hair blown out. I watch her as she goes through her morning routine. I've missed this too. It's still the same. She sends voice notes to Nita and Nani in hindi before she begins. I really need to learn the language... she lightly hums as she does her skincare regimen and applies makeup. It never takes more than 10 minutes then she styles her hair if she needs to and ends with wearing her clothes. Sometimes she'll wear some accessories but she always keeps it simple.

I close my eyes for a few more minutes, willing myself to get up when I feel her lips on my cheek. "Wakeup Mr. CEO... time to conquer the world" she whispers.

"I don't want to." I grumble.

She giggles. "You're such a baby sometimes. Wake up!" she gives me another kiss.

"You've spoiled me. I want to stay in bed with you all the time."

"Weekends are for sleeping in. Weekdays are for making money. Now go make dat moolah so I can burn it over expensive clothes." She lightly slaps my ass but I get up and grab her and throw her on to the bed and she squeals.

"Christian... you're insane. I just did my hair... you're ruining it." She says out of breath.

"I want breakfast."

"Do I even want to know what you want for breakfast?" She laughs.

"Cookies." I get rid of her towel and make my way down kissing her.

"Christian... we're going to be late..." she tries not to moan as I start to devour her.

"I love how you're always ready for me baby..." She pulls onto my hair and I push her legs further apart. I lick her entrance and use my tongue, repeating a circular motion as she moans as I drink her up.

"Christian..." she repeats my name over and over till she fall apart, screaming my name. Thank god, we're alone right now.

I pull down my and move up her body. Slowly kissing and nipping her skin, her hands find my hair again and she looks to me with a lazy smile.

"That was quite a breakfast Mr. Grey." She giggles and kisses me deeply.

"I'm still not done baby. I want more."

"I'm so getting fired." She laughs.

"I know the owner, he believes in the power of a good breakfast... you'll be fine." I smirk at her and she laughs again but quickly gasps as I grind my dick against her swollen lips a few times. She bites her lip as she savors the feeling.

I kiss her as I enter her and she moans into my mouth. I lean my forehead against hers and move slowly. "This is how I want to start every morning. Buried inside of you."

"Christian..." she moans loudly. "... don't... stop... Christian..."

"Tell me baby, I want to hear how good I make you feel."

Her moans get louder as I bite her neck right behind her ear, sucking on her skin and start to pick up the pace. I raise my head to face her, "Look at me baby."

She slowly opens her eyes and I feel her tighten her grip around my hips and my cock. Fuck... I never want this to end.

"I love you." She says as she pulls me down to kiss her. I come hard and loud into her and she follows right after me.

"I love you, baby." I say into her neck, trying to catch my breath.

"I really needed that. Thank you." She whispers into my ear.

I look at her. "What happened baby?"

"I just wanted to forget everything for a while." I see tears to start fall from her eyes.

"Tell me baby, what's on your mind."

She closes her eyes and shakes her head. "Too much shit. I'm going to call Flynn's office and see if he has an opening today or for some other day this week."

"Trust me, he'll make time for you and if you need take off from work early, don't worry about anything, it'll be handled." I stroke her cheek.

"I'm sorry."

"Ana, stop. Don't apologize."

She nods. "We should get up and get ready."

I get dressed and we have breakfast. Ana remains quiet for most of it. She's dressed in a cobalt blue dress that bring out her ocean eyes. I lean in to kiss her.

"I love this color on you. You look so beautiful."

She smiles at me. "You're just looking to get more cookies, I know your game, Grey."

I laugh. "You wound me, Miss Steele."

"I wore this dress my first day at GEH. I felt like everyone was looking at me... it was so nerve-wracking."

"Why were you nervous?"

"Well, aside from being the new kid on the block. I immediately noticed that literally everyone wears shades of Grey in your kingdom. It's either, Grey, black, dark blue that actually looks like black or maybe whites... but basically muted colors. And here I was... little miss screaming blue walking around. I think it's why Jose noticed me." She laughs.

"I never really noticed that but I also really don't care what people are wearing at work."

"Yeah, I know. I used to see you around. It was like you had blinders on or were always looking at your phone or out the window... or screaming at someone...I mean Ros is the only one who wears color. Aside from liking my shoes Jose said 'it's about fucking time someone looked alive here. Don't you fucking dare wear grey in this place. I'm sick of seeing these pale white bitches looking like zombies.' That gave me a lot of confidence. I was like if a gay guy approves of my sartorial choices then I'm good." She giggles.

"So you noticed me, Miss Steele?" I smirk.

"I had no choice, you're quite a presence Mr. Grey. Everyone scrambles to disappear when you walk through... it's a real 'gird your loins' situation." She laughs and I can't help but laugh too. "There was this one time we were in the elevator. I was behind you and Ros with Jose and Val and Ros turned back to talk to the three of us. We were talking about something random and the entire time I was shitting bricks praying you wouldn't turn back and give us the death stare. When our floor came, I pretty much ran out with Jose."

"What the fuck... I cannot believe this. I was that close to you and I didn't see you."

She snorts. "Christian, we even met at my graduation."

"What the fuck?"

"Well yeah, you gave out our diplomas and we shook hands but I was out of it. I gave you the most lifeless handshake and I didn't even look up. I was in a very shitty headspace that day. You however, looked very handsome. I'll give you that." She gives me small smile.

"What happened that day, baby?"

She takes a deep breath. "It's a long story involving Carla. I'll tell you some other time. Right now, I have to focus on getting through the workday."

"You're going to be fine baby. I love you."

"I love you." She gives me a small smile and we head out of her apartment.

...

I walk into the conference room on our floor during lunch time to see how the meeting with the Rahman team has been going so far. I talk with Ros and Travis to get an update. Everything seems to be going well. They had a skype call with the COO to discuss how to proceed with due diligence and the Rahman team as been more than happy to invite third party auditors of both our choosing to do a forensic analysis of their assets given recent information before we complete the acquisition process.

I see Ana and Mrs. Rahman sitting on the couch like two peas in a pod, laughing and smiling as they eat. They don't notice me till I go into shake Mrs. Rahman's hand.

"I trust everything is going well, Mrs. Rahman." I smile at her.

"Yes, very much so. Aana here has been instrumental. I feel at ease with her." She looks to Ana with adoration.

"I'm happy to hear that. Miss Steele is one of our best employees." I smile and I see Ana start to feel slightly uncomfortable with the praise.

Mrs. Rahman squeezes Ana's hand. "Please join us for lunch Mr. Grey."

"I'd love to but I have a conference call in 5 minutes. I just wanted to come by and say hello. Please continue. I'll drop by later on."

I say goodbye and head out. I ask Andrea to join me in the office.

"Andrea, please reach out to the WSU PR department and ask them to send any photographs they might have of Ana on the day of her graduation. I realized that I handed out diploma's at her graduation ceremony this year... if they ask, just tell them she works at GEH and we're doing an internal newsletter or something."

"I'll have the photographs to you before the end of the day, Sir."

"Thank you, Andrea."

...

**APOV **

The Rahman meeting has completely drained me. The constant back and forth in translating and also making sure the COO didn't try to slip something by us has my brain melted into complete mush. I just want to go home and sleep but I need to talk to Flynn. I feel so... uneasy.

"Hi Sawyer, how was your day."

"Nothing exciting happened."

"I miss unexciting days."

"When do you want to start training? Grey said he wants you to train at his apartment gym."

"Of course he did. Control freak that he is. I don't know... I'm not all that eager to go back there just yet. Being there on Friday night was... difficult."

"Take your time... whenever you're ready, let me know."

"Yeah, I will. Thank you for agreeing to do this."

"Don't even mention it."

I get to Flynn's practice. I walk into the reception area and see Marcy packing up to leave for the day.

"Come on in Ana." John calls out to me.

"Thanks for meeting me, John. I've got loads to talk about." I laugh.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that. How are you feeling?"

"I'm slightly better than when we last met. That was a really difficult day emotionally but I've been thinking a lot since then and... well, yeah.. here I am."

"Okay. Let's dive right in."

I take a deep breath. _Don't cry, Ana. For fucks sake, don't cry. _

"By the way, can I lie down here? My back is killing me."

He chuckles. "of course you can, whatever makes you feel comfortable."

I lie down and instantly feel at ease. "So, it's no secret that since the meeting last week, I've been all over the place. I mean, I've really tried to hold to together and for the first time since my rape, I feel like I'm really losing control. Not that I didn't ever have issues when I was in Portland... I just, being there, my life was so far removed from everything in regards to my family and I just... I had created this routine and it had no connection to anything remotely family related, I was anonymous and I'd be able to recover quickly... but here and now... my worlds are colliding... and it's violent and my emotions are just... I feel like I'm all over the place and it's like ever since the wedding... it's been one shit show after the other"

"You think the wedding the main break in everything?"

"Yes and no. I know this breakdown is a long time coming, I realize that now. All these years, I just ran away essentially, from what happened...from my accident, from my family and the rape. I played a part. Kate was the only one who knew the real me. Then at the wedding, actually the months leading up to the wedding, it was the first time in a long time I was exposed to my family so frequently since I left for Portland. The planning and everything, the new job... a lot of new things were happening that by the time I got to the wedding, I was so physically and emotionally tired. Then I meet Christian, and... we met and I fell in love and he was the second person I told everything to. I told him everything not just as events but how I felt. I shared myself with him... I had never done that before. Kate was my only friend then confiding in Christian then eventually Mia and Elliot... then the whole playroom fiasco, then talking to his parents... I realized that I really fucked myself up because while in Portland I thought, I can't burden people with my misery. No one wants to be friends with a broken girl so I kept to myself and really worked on becoming someone who was worthy and... I don't know... stable, happy, funny? I don't know.. I just... I fucked up."

"Have you talked to Christian about this?"

"I tried to last night. I have a friend at work, his name is Jose, he's a lawyer and we're close. He's told me some really personal things about his life but he knows nothing about me." I tell him what I've shared of myself with Jose which is not much and what I tried to tell Christian but was never able to complete my thought process because I got scared.

"You feel the need to hide yourself from Christian?"

"Yes and no. I mean. I so desperately want to tell him everything but it's a lot. I feel like the dam is breaking but I can't overwhelm him with my shit. I know I said, that there is life after heartbreak and I can understand that rationally but emotionally but if he ever left me... I feel like it would hurt so much more than everything else. It would be like that final nail in the coffin you know. I've faced rejection from a parent, death of a parent, deceit and violence from a sibling who was also a close friend and then to be rejected by the one you love... I mean what else is left after that?"

"Ana, has Christian given you any indication that he can't handle this or that he would leave you because of what you're going through?"

"No he hasn't but... I know he's frustrated. The Vishaal issue is slowly getting on his nerves and he'll lose it eventually and I have no way of stopping that. I can tell he wants to bury them but I can't let him do that. There's too much at stake for me."

"I think the main issue here is that you've never talked out loud about your thoughts and feelings on everything. You've remained confined in yourself, almost as if, a repeat of what happened in your accident. You were trapped inside yourself and now this is all another iteration of the same thing."

"Yeah, I do feel that way. Except, now I can talk and for the first time since everything, I'm being called out on my shit through self-realization. I have a lot of fucking work to do. With Kate, as of recent, we haven't talked as much as I liked. She's a CEO in training to take over her father's company which means she's traveling a lot and she's in a new relationship with Elliot... it's her first serious relationship in years and I don't want to burden her anymore, she's done so much for me in these last 4 years. I told Christian, I wanted to stop lying to everyone. I want my life to grow. I want to build and cultivate relationships and invite my friends to my apartment and cook for them and be my real self... but then the fear creeps in. The idea of them looking at me with pity... I want to stop defining my life by these chaotic truths that have plagued me."

"Explain that to me, what do you mean?"

"I want to move on from the thought process of, my biological mother doesn't want me, I had an accident and was paralyzed and made a full recovery, my adopted family comes from an obscene amount of money and the fact that I was raped by someone who I considered a brother... and now... whenever Christian and I announce... oh by the way, we got back together again...I'll just be his girlfriend... I am desperately looking to define who I am. Me. Anastasia Steele. I am the person who I want to be with my GEH friends and in the workplace in general but... then I have all these truths nagging me."

"Ana, you can still be that person and own your truth in front of your friends."

"Yes but they will see me with pity. Oh, the poor girl who got broken and violated..."

"Ana, have your friends told you personal things about themselves?"

"Yes."

"Has it changed the way you feel about them? Do you pity them?"

"No. I love them. It makes me want to cherish them."

"Then why do you feel like they wouldn't reciprocate in the same way? Why are you already setting them up for failure? You have to try and let go of that defense mechanism. Not everyone is your birth mother, not everyone is Vishaal... I understand you don't want to get hurt but consider the alternative; you're still hurting yourself by denying your friends the opportunity to prove themselves... you never know, they might actually surprise you. Think about Christian, as aloof and cold and stuck up as he seems... wasn't he a pleasant surprise?"

I fall into a laughing fit and John laughs too. "Boy, was he aloof. God, I used to think he was such an ass before I met him... but you're right... he's been the best surprise of my life." Tears start to fall from my eyes for the first time since the session started. "I love him so much, John. I don't want to lose him because of all my shit."

"Ana, if there's one thing I'm dead certain of is that Christian is incredibly steadfast and loyal. If he has committed himself to you, then... he will be by your side, no matter what."

I take a deep breath. "He sort of asked me to marry him this weekend?"

"I'm sorry, what?" John's face is priceless.

"Yeah... that's why we're coming to see you on Friday." I laugh. "I'm surprised he didn't tell you."

"Well, it has been rather odd, I've not heard from him since Friday. I guess he's been occupied." He laughs.

I giggle. "Yeah he has. We had a really good weekend, we talked and got to know each other more. We play this game where we ask each other questions a heavy topic followed by a light one and it's really helping... I also talked to my grandmother and she told me to measure my relationship with Christian in trust and not in time. She also said that we're learning to walk right now and we'll fall every now and then and get hurt but it'll help us get stronger and I have to have faith in that. I need to have more faith in what we have than fear of loss."

"Great, your grandmother is stepping in now with advice, you're helping Christian, I guess my vacation home in France will remain a dream." He laughs and I join him.

"Sorry, John, you're shit outta luck now." I giggle. I take a few moments and then tell him about Saturday morning."I made him show me the playroom and the files on the ex-submissives." I say as I get up from the couch and sit upright.

"How did that go?"

"It was... okay. I mean, he was obviously uncomfortable... and I felt incredibly jealous of these women. It was irrational but I had to keep reminding myself that he loves me and that he is choosing me. That I'm the only person who can touch him, spend time with his family, be the person who he calls his girlfriend... "

"You can touch him?" He asks surprised.

I smile. "Yeah, he brought my hand to his bare chest. We had a fight on Friday night after the Rahman famly dinner at his place. I sort of broke down and was saying all this shit to him and he begged for forgiveness and a second chance..." I start to cry..."He brought my hand to his chest and told me I was the only one he needed and the only one he could trust."

"That's... wow, that's incredible Ana."

"Yeah, I know..." I'm barely able to get the words out.

"I'm proud of the progress you've both made. And listen, the first step is realizing that you need help and that you can't do it on your own which is perfectly fine. You have people around you who only want the best for you, so trust in that. You know you have your work cut out for you so let's do what is necessary to get you to a better place."

...

**CPOV**

I wait for Ana in front of her building. I want to make sure she's doing okay after her session with John. Ros and I are heading out to SF and LA tomorrow morning to meet with a tech startup that caught Ros' attention in addition to checking in on our other holdings. We were supposed to be there till Friday but I made the fuckers reschedule everything so that we could get all the shit done in one day. I don't want to be away from Seattle more than I have to. I just got Ana back. I wan to be close to her as much as I can.

I see Sawyer pull up and Ana steps out of the car. She looks tired as she walks into the building. I get out and follow her. I catch up to her and put my arm around her shoulder. She looks up and smiles.

"Mr. Grey, I thought you were home. I was going to call you when I got upstairs."

I lean in and kiss her forhead. "I just missed you and thought I'd come by and we could have dinner again. I'm going to be in SF & LA all day tomorrow and won't get to see you at work."

"You're such a sap, Grey but I really like that about you." She giggles.

We get into her apartment and I put my bag in her room. She goes to order thai food and we both take a quick shower. It's difficult not getting distracted, she can't help but laugh when I wash her because she so ticklish. I kiss her deeply.

"Hands on the wall Miss Steele, I want to have my way with you."

"So demanding Mr. Grey." She giggles and turns around and places her hands on the way in front of her and I take her from behind.

"Tell me how you want this baby." I ask as I slowly push into her.

"Hard. Fuck me hard Christian." She pants.

I pound into her. Gripping her tightly and she moans, urging me on. It's loud and rough. Wanting her like all the time this feels obsessive. It's never enough.

It's only 9pm by the time we finish dinner.

"Well Miss Steele, that crab was definitely 'bomb'" I say my best impression of Barney. She laughs out loud.

"Hey don't make fun of Barney! We haven't had lunch in two weeks. I should probably check in on him tomorrow and get updates on his love life."

"How do you get people to just tell you things?"

"I don't, they just... volunteer. I mean in some cases I definitely pester people but only when I can feel it's something serious..."

"Like that employee you told us about ... his wife passed away."

She looks down. "Yeah... please don't ask me to tell you his name. Listen, I didn't mean to tell you all that to make you feel bad, honestly I didn't. It's just that money is not the answer to everything. It doesn't fix things, at least not the things that really matter... or maybe it does, I don't know. I get it why you stay away... sometimes you get hit with a lot of life and it makes you sad. I know I cried when I came home that day because what he was feeling, it reminded me of what Nita must have felt when Ray died and how she had to take care of me..."

She doesn't cry, she just plays with her fingers. I understand what she's saying. I wish I could be brave enough to feel emotion the way she does, to connect with people the way she does.

"Everyone at the company loves you, Ana. I met with Timothy. Ros was able to locate all the employees you mentioned. I even went to Seattle-Mason to meet with James and his wife Anita. They weren't expecting me but I assured them they'd be taken care of and we're working to better our paternity and maternity leave policies at GEH. I asked mom to help Steven out with getting his father paired with one of the top specialists in the field for his cancer treatment."

She looks up to me crying. "Oh Christian..." She throws her arms around me and sobs. "Thank you... they really needed that."

"Why are you crying baby?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just a mess, it's really sweet what you did. Thank you."

"Baby, don't thank me. I should be thanking you. You've opened my eyes. I only saw the world one way. I mean, yes I cared about my employees but I cared about things I could see. Mortgage payments, salaries, paying for kids schools and holidays. I didn't see the real stuff, I think my privilege kept me from seeing that... people who I employ have real problems too and I guess I forgot about that... for some reason I just associated the really extreme problems with people who, charities I donated to, were helping. I lost my way in building all this."

She pulls away and wipes her face. "Yeah, I guess when you've got blinders on, you miss out on stuff. It happens but it's never too late to change things. Again, I'm not asking you to have everyone sit in a circle and pass the talking stick... but just smile sometimes or say Good Morning. You've got such a beautiful face, I love seeing you smiling and laughing." She leans in and plants kisses all over my face. "I love you, Mr. Grey."

"I love you Miss Steele. So much."

"Did you meet their babies?"

"I saw them from afar. They're so... small."

"Yeah, they decided to crash the party two months early but they look like fighters. James told me they're doing much better than before."

"They looked so fragile." I say trying to rid the burning lump in my throat.

"Yeah... it's heartbreaking to see that but they have so much strength in them. Ray once said this to me... it was before he met Nita. He found me crying in my room. I didn't have many friends in school. I was a bit of weird kid... so he was trying to comfort me while he made pancakes for dinner... and he said Annie, anytime you feel like you can't do anything or you're not worthy, you've got to remember that once there was a million of you and you were the strongest. There's a reason for that.' I didn't quite understand it till I was older." She takes a deep breath and looks away and closes her eyes. "Anyway... I'm going to go see them sometime next week just to check in. I'm sure they'll be grown up even more." She smiles.

"The covert I had assigned to you told me you spent time at Seattle-Mason and I couldn't figure out why, you went to see them?"

She replies in a small voice. "Yeah. I wanted to just say hi and take some food for them."

I can't believe this woman is real.

"Can I come with you the next time you go see them?"

She looks to me. "How will we explain that?"

"We'll figure something out. We'll stagger our arrivals or something..."

She smiles and nods. "Okay."

I pull her in close to me and kiss her. "I love you, baby."

"I love you" she smiles back.

"How was your session with Flynn?"

"It was good, only cried once and for a few minutes." She laughs. "By the way, I told him you 'sort of' asked me to marry you."

"Tell me he fell off his chair!" I laugh.

"Well, his eyes almost fell out. So, close?" she giggles.

"I told him about what Nani said and how you let me touch you, poor thing is afraid we won't need therapy anymore and his vacation house in France will remain a dream."

"Fucker... only wants me for my money."

"I like that he doesn't just tell me what I need to do. My therapists in Portland talked more about what I should do rather than helping me articulate what I was feeling. Or maybe I was younger, I don't know but with Flynn he just asks me questions and it forces me to say things out loud which I haven't been doing and in saying those things, I feel a little better, I start to see where the problems lie. He compared it to my accident, that when I wanted to speak, I couldn't and now that I can, I just retreat into myself and don't. He said that at least I could identify what my problems were and that I knew I needed help... which in the first step."

"Ana, you've made way more progress than I have in 7 years with him. I think I've been fighting him all this time and they only reason why he's stayed on is... well, clearly because of my charming personality and money but also, the fucker really loves a challenge."

She laughs out loud. "Mr. Grey, we're enamored by your charming and challenging personality." She lifts up her head to kiss the corner of my mouth.

"I knew you had a thing for me."

She rolls her eyes. "You know, we act like such old people sometimes. Like, we just sit and talk and then we get into bed at 10." She laughs.

"I don't mind it at all. I like that my life is like this now. I feel like we'll never run out of things to talk about."

"Then can we continue this conversation in my bed, please? Today was a draining day with the Rahman meeting and session with Flynn."

We get up and I lift her bridal style.

"Christian, stoppp... I can walk."

"I know but I want to take care of you."

"Careful, I could get used to this. Make you carry me everywhere."

"Deal."

She giggles and we get into bed.

"So, I paid off all my loans and credit card debt today." She says and I hear her voice waver.

"How does it feel?"

"Pretty fucking amazing... and humbling. There are so many people I know how are struggling and I feel incredibly fortunate to be able to pay it off."

"Well, you deserve it. You never cease to amaze me, you dominate everything that's thrown at you."

She looks down and takes a deep breath.

"I have a favor to ask... more like I just need you take on something."

"Sure, baby."

"Remember Luis from the resort? I told you about his grand daughter Rosa who wants to go to MIT?

"Yeah."

"I want to figure out a way where I can pay for her schooling and living expenses. She deserves it. She'll be hearing from the Ivy's any day now... she applied for early decision and I know they offer shitty scholarships, I want to be able to help in some way. She wants to change the world and I know she can do it and going to a school that will give her the tools to do it is the first step."

I look at her with awe. How can I keep falling more and more in love with her?

"We can talk to Travis about it. Come up with a contract of sorts to make sure she's held accountable as well. We can set aside a set amount and have the money sent directly to the school and her rent as time passes on."

"Thank you, Christian." She looks at me with teary eyes.

"What are you going to do with the rest of the money? I thought you wanted to buy a place."

"I do but... I like living with Kate and besides I don't know, I think there are more important things. I'll keep some aside for savings but otherwise I think I'll just donate it."

"Hmm... just run it by me before you make any final decisions. I'd suggest investing it too."

She shrugs. "Okay, I don't know much about that stuff."

I nod. "By the way, would Rosa be interested in an internship? If she's into engineering like you say she is and has no plans for the summer, how about an internship at GEH with Barney? It'll be good for her resume."

Her eyes grow wide. "You'd be willing to do that?"

"You said she's a smart kid. Send me her resume, we can fly her up her, interview her and if it seems like a good fit, we can set her up here with a place to live here for the duration for her internship and she can really learn something."

"Christian, that would be AMAZING. Thank you, I love you!" She kisses me deeply.

"Anything for you baby. I think you'd be amazing at philanthropy. You've got such a big heart."

"I guess I got that from Nita. She's head of philanthropy at AHAK. Watching her inspired me."

"If you want, we can start an initiative for high school students to intern for us in the summers or winters, to give them an edge in their college applications too."

"I think that would be brilliant. There are so many kids who are either from low-income families, and/or undocumented who have so much promise but just need a chance. Maybe if you could start a program where you handpicked kids from all over the nation and spend the summer in Seattle. Like 2 kids for each department and you met them weekly or bi-weekly and talked to them and gave them advice. You'd be such a great mentor."

She runs her hand through my hair and kisses me.

"You have so much faith in my abilities, Miss Steele."

"You're a brilliant man, Mr. Grey, how can I not?" she smiles.

"I'll set it up with Ros. Actually no, you should bring it up with her and I'll support you."

"No, you should go ahead and talk to her."

"Baby, this is your idea. You deserve all the credit."

'Okay, let's bring it up together with her once we tell her about us and she's done burying us in a rage for keeping the gossip from her." She laughs and I kiss her.

We continue to kiss as our hands explore each other. She lets out little moans as I grind into her and take off her pajamas and she lifts my shirt to take it off.

"Why is your light blue now?"

"Cause I felt really blue recently."

"I think we need to change the color now."

"You want pink again?"

"No, just tell me how to change it."

She hands opens up the app and hands me the phone... I see the full spectrum of the rainbow shine on her face as I go through the different colors and she laughs. She's so incredibly beautiful. I settle on red. It reminds me of her dancing at the Sangeet. How she slowly moved her body, it was sensual as fuck.

"Red?" she raises her eyebrow.

"Yeah red. How I saw you at the Sangeet, you looked hot as fuck that night."

She rolls her eyes. And I spank her.

"Ouch! You ass."

"Yeah, I'm the ass that owns your ass."

"You don't own jack shit, Grey." She giggles and I attack her with kisses.

I take off my boxers and tell her to take her shirt off.

"I need you on top baby." I help her straddle me and take me in. It feels so fucking good. I pull her hands from my neck and hold them behind her with one of mine. She looks at me confused.

"Baby, just focus on feeling good."

She looks into my eyes with her lips parted and her eyes darken. She looks so fucking hot as she moves up and down. I bite and suck her breasts and use my free hand to play with her, slowly running my fingers up and down her slit.

She calls my name out as she throws her head back. She tries to increase her speed but I slow her down.

"Christian... please... I ... I"

"What baby, tell me what you need?"

"I... need... you..."

"I'm here for you baby, I'm all yours."

I can tell she's close. I let go of her hands and lie back down and watch her take me. She moves her hips in a circular motion, looking into my eyes. She looks so fucking incredible.

I can't take it, I sit up again and pull her to me and invade her mouth and she increases her speed and I find her clit again.

I feel her get close.

"That's right baby, tigthen that pussy around my cock. I want to feel you..."

"Chrisitan..." she moans into my mouth and pulls on to my hair as comes and bites my neck.

The sensation from that throws me over the edge and let go, shooting my load into her... groaning incoherently into her neck.

I hold her till our breathing returns to normal. We lie back down and remain tangled in each other.

"Sorry for biting you... I don't know what came over me... but I don't think I left a mark."

"I knew you were a freak, Miss Steele."

"Takes one to know one, Grey." She giggles.

I attack her mouth again. It's going to be so much fun unleashing more this inner freak that's in hiding.

* * *

**Authors Note**: Next chapter we learn about Carla and then Chapter 34 will be the baby shower games! YAY.


	33. Chapter 33

TISSUE ALERT. To everyone who liked the last chaper and left reviews. THANK YOU so freaking much. i'm so happy we can be here for each other in this crazy time.

I got a PM where someone asked me to list the music in the beginning before the chapter started so they could download it and listen to it while reading. I'll try that format for this chapter only, let me know waht you guys think. In order of appearance

**Music:**

Your Hands Are Cold - Jean-Yves Thibaudet, OST Pride & Prejuidice.

The Heart of Life - Live at the Nokia Theatre, Los Angeles - John Mayer

Sunflower - Allie X, OST Sierra Burgess is a Loser

Rainbow - Kacey Musgraves.

* * *

Chapter 33 – _I'm a sunflower, a little funny._

_Wednesday, February 5__th__, 2020._

I feel movement and crying. I wake up and I see Ana crying out... she's having a nightmare and speaking in hindi. I try to wake her up gently but she won't come out of it.

"Ana... Ana baby, wake up."

She starts to wail all while still speaking in hindi and it sounds gut wrenching. I hold her face and call out to her. She immediately opens her eyes but she looks lost.

"Baby, you're safe. No one is going to hurt you." I look into her eyes. She stares back at me but doesn't move. She remains completely still. I wipe her tears. "Baby, you were having a nightmare. No one is going to hurt you." I run my hands over her arm and lift her hand to kiss it. She starts to blink and I feel her breathe again. I stroke her cheek. "I'm going to get you water, okay?" She looks at me and nods slowly. She still seems confused. I kiss the corner of her mouth and help her sit up and rub her back. I kiss her temple and go to get her water. When I come back, she's still sitting with her head in her hands.

"Drink this, baby."

She takes the glass from me and takes a few sips and gives it back to me.

"What happened?" she asks in a small voice.

I motion her to lie down and hold her.

"You were crying and saying something but I couldn't understand. It was in hindi I think."

She closes her eyes and I see a new wave of tears but I don't hear her cry.

"Do you remember what you saw?"

"I didn't really see anything. I just heard laughter and felt like I couldn't move." She says with her voice wavering. "This is a repeat of what happened in Portland in the beginning. I would wake up like this almost every other night... finally one night Kate recorded audio me having the nightmare after I had asked her to so I could see what I was saying." She swallows and starts to shiver.

"What were you saying?"

"I kept begging to be let go... to be forgiven." She looks straight up. She speaks a few sentences in hindi. "Did it sound like this or something similar?"

"I think so, it does sound similar."

She covers her eyes with both her hands and takes deep breaths.

"What can I do Ana, tell me?"

She shakes her head. "I'm okay now... I just need to wait till I fall asleep again." She says in a small voice.

I kiss her forehead, her eyes, her cheeks and finally her lips and pull her in close to me and hold her.

"In recovery when I would wake up at night in a panic. I couldn't call out to anyone so I would think about all the places I wanted to visit and the music I had associated with them. Sometimes Nita would sense that I was awake and she'd sing to me but other times I would have to close my eyes and imagine that music was playing. Of course it wasn't the same as the real thing... as soon as I regained mobility of my hands and arms, I created my nightmare playlist and always kept my phone near me just in case." She takes a shuddering breath.

"What places did you imagine going to?" I ask but my throat burns and my heart aches.

"I'd always think about the Cliffs of Moher and what it would be like to sit there and watch the water and sunset. I'd think about visiting Sardinia and Palermo, all the places in Portugal, Lake Attabad in Pakistan. Hiking in Capitol State forest with dad, the skylight in my room... anything to calm me and get me to fall asleep." She moves slightly out of my embrace to get her phone. I check the time and it's almost 2:30am. "This is the piece makes me think of the Cliffs of Moher, interestingly it's from the Pride an Prejudice soundtrack." She giggles and I kiss her forehead. I see that it's called 'your hands are cold.'

She plays it and it connects to the music system. Elliot as part of an extended Christmas present had speakers installed in Kate and Ana's room in addition to the living area of their apartment.

"I think this would sound really beautiful playing in the Escala great room but for now my small room will just have to do." She clicks play and puts her phone away and moves in closer to me and closes her eyes.

The pieces starts off as urgent and then slows down, melting into what would feel like the sunrise... then the piano seeps in and the music swells and it's breathtakingly beautiful. My heart aches to think of all those nights she spent dreaming herself to sleep with uncertainty of if she would ever be able to walk again let alone visit all the places she dreams of. As soon as it gets warmer, I'm taking her there. I'm taking her away from all this shit even if it's for a few days. I want to take her to every place she's pinned on that map. I want to give her the world and more. The piece ends and I see that she's fallen asleep. She looks peaceful... I kiss her lips and stroke her cheek. _I'll always protect you Ana, I promise._

...

"_Are you sure you don't want to eat anything, how about a bagel?" Ana asks me half asleep, standing in the kitchen._

"_Baby, just go to sleep. I'll get something on the plane."_

_She yawns. "Too late, I'm already up, if I sleep again, I'll wake up at 10 and miss work." She proceeds to put the kettle on to make herself some tea._

_I finish fixing my tie and she hands me some coffee in a to go cup. _

"_I'm going to miss you Mr. Grey."_

"_I'll miss you too, you're busy tonight?"_

"_Yes, Pilates and then hanging with Kate and then tomorrow I'm going shopping and spending alllll your money." She giggles and tiptoes to give me a small kiss._

"_I like the sound of that. I'll see you on Friday then?" Fuck... that's too long. _

"_That's how it's looking." _

_I put my coffee cup on the counter, pull her in and kiss her deeply. She walks us back to the wall and pulls on to my jacket and wraps one leg around me. _

"_Ana, I can't... I need to be at Sea-Tac by 6:45"_

"_All we need is 5 minutes Mr. Grey... we won't see each other till Friday." She pouts against my lips. Fuck... I'm so whipped. _

_She unzips me and strokes me. "Will you miss me?"_

"_So much baby..." I enter her and she moans and I thrust hard and fast into her._

"_Yes... just like that... don't stop..." she looks into my eyes and bites my lip._

_I fuck her hard and she lets me know how much she loves it. We both come together in no time. _

"_Hmm, I hope you have a really good day Mr. Grey." She continues to give me small kisses on my lips._

"_Miss Steele, thanks to you, I'm definitely going to have a good day." I smirk._

"Christian." I hear Ros call out to me bringing me out of my reverie from early this morning.

"Yeah?'

"I've been thinking." Ros muses. Oh fuck... this can't be good.

"Ros, the only times you've started a conversation like that was when you want to ask Gwen out on a date, to marry you and then have a kid... please _do not_ tell me you're leaving GEH to become a full time mom... I don't think I can handle that right now."

"No, fuck no. I just... I've been thinking about some shit. And don't worry, I'm with you for the long haul but what I do want to talk about is GEH related."

"Okay, tell me what's on your mind?"

"So, we have the Seattle-Mason Gala on the 12th, that's next week. I think we should take Ana with us."

"Why?"

"Because, well... you are absolute shit at this stuff. You leave after an hour and I have to schmooze with these fuckers and it's not my scene either, I'm not even sure Gwen is up to attending right now. I think Ana is a natural at this and honestly, I'd be more than willing to stay for the entire event if we had her with us."

Fuck, I forgot about that. I'd love to have her there but...

"You don't think it's a good idea?" Ros interrupts my thoughts again.

"Ros, what are you trying to achieve?"

"Christian, we're no longer the young kids on the block, I want you to think about the future. People we're dealing with now have families, I'm going to be a mom soon and well, let's be real, as much as I can hammer out a deal in my sleep, I'm still too fucking new age for these fuckers. Yeah, gay marriage passed and it's the law of the land but we're still dealing with some people who are stuck in the middle ages. If we want to expand into the middle east, south Asian and south east Asian market significantly, I want us to have someone who can really... look you saw how she handles a room. I think we need to groom her to be the face of GEH. We need to look human, more than just being known for throwing money at charities. Ana was right, we're not fucking robots."

"What's wrong with my face?" I laugh.

"I'm sick of it " she joins me. "No, listen GEH is always going to be yours, I'm just saying... a little help will go a long way. You're extremely private and I get it, you're not into the fluff but I think we can benefit from her representing us at events etc. How about we use the Seattle-Mason gala as an audition and see how she does? I'm sure she went to tons of events with her family"

I shrug when I really want to tell her it's a fucking brilliant idea.

"Let's talk to her about it when we get back." I murmur.

"Yeah, we can talk about it at the baby shower. By the way, don't worry, I've got you a solid in to ask her out on a date." She cackles.

"I don't need your help on asking a woman out a date."

"Ana isn't just any woman and trust me... you're gonna need all the fucking help you can get." She says as she drinks her coffee.

"You guys have become close friends?"

"Yeah, you could say we have. I've never really gotten along with women in terms of friendships... but she's easy to be friends with."

"You got to know her through Gwen, right?"

"Nah, Jose introduced us. Have you met him? He's brilliant... could easily take over for Travis in a pinch. Anyway, he told me about her. I think in her second or third week, he told me that I had to meet her. We went out to lunch one day and hit it off and then she eventually met Gwen and we became close."

"I've seen him around, we haven't been formally introduced."

"You'll meet him at the shower. He'll also be at the Gala, his husband is the MC this year. He works at Seattle-Mason and handles their events and donor outreach program."

"I'm surprised you never introduced Ana before. You seem quite taken with her."

"Yeah, I don't know why... I guess it just never came up besides you're so anti-woman at work, I just figured it wouldn't really matter. We get lunch every now and then. Just recently we had a heart to heart... I had this huge fight with Gwen, I swear this pregnancy is a fucking nightmare sometimes... and I kind of told her I was fucking scared to be a mom and that I was going to fail at it."

"I didn't know that you felt that way Ros."

"Yeah well, you hired a shark not a goldfish... besides you've got your own shit I imagine."

"Ros, you can talk to me. I mean I have no fucking reference to pull from but... we're friends... you can talk to me."

"Yeah, thanks... I just I think I need to talk to another woman you know?"

"What did she say to you?'

"She said that there was a solid chance the Gwen was equally if not more scared as I was and that as long as we talked about it, held each other's hand through this and focus on how much love we have for this baby that we'd make it through and be stronger at the end of it. It won't be easy but it will be worth it. That anything worth having is fucking hard and scary."

Fuck, I need to properly propose to this woman and make her my wife.

I quietly nod.

"She offered to help us with the baby on the weekends and weeknights in an emergency. She's fucking CPR trained in first aid for infants... her mom is a volunteer at SF memorial as a baby cuddler for NICU babies and got her the gig too. She told me that her mom had a friend who donated a bunch of money to SF memorial to further research in the aid of music to help babies born to drug addicts...Though now I suspect that it was AHAK who made that donation given her recent revelation about her family..." she muses. "So yeah, you may think I'm being emotional in my decision making in regards to her but you of all people know that I have good instincts about people.

I'm suddenly overcome with so much emotion.

"I trust you, Ros."

"Thanks boss. I think she'd be good for you."

"Ros, I know we're joking around but..."

"Do you like her?"

"I find her intriguing but again, she's an employee."

"I asked you if you liked her." Fuck, this is the no bullshit Ros line of attack.

I roll my eyes. "Does it matter? She hates my guts."

"That I can work with. I just need the green light from you."

"Let's just see how the baby shower goes." I smirk.

...

**APOV**

I give Christian another kiss and cling to him. I don't want to let him go but Mr. CEO has an empire to run.

"I love you."

He gives me his shy smile. "I love you too, baby. "

"Text me when you land."

"I will." He kisses my forehead and walks out.

I haven't woken up this early since... wow, since I had to fly out for the wedding. I decide to do some yoga for a change. I'm never able to do more than 10 minute session on weekdays but now I have two hours to kill. I try not to think about my nightmare from last night. I can't have that rain cloud hanging over me. I need to move forward, I have to actively look towards having a good day. _I will have a good day today_.

I first go turn on some music and go to finalize my outfit. Kiran pretty much bought every Roland Mouret piece she could find I think which works for me because I love how structured they are, I can't believe she let these pieces go. I feel like a boss when I walk into work wearing these dresses. I decide on a plum knee length dress that has bit a flare with Kate's louboutin's that she gifted me on graduation.

"_Steele, you need big girl heels now. Just shut up and accept these as your graduation gift and step on any balls you need to on your journey up to success. Anytime you feel like you can't do something, just remember that these shoes are called 'So Kate' so, your ass better remember and think about' what would Kate do'" _

I laugh at the thought. I miss my best friend but I'm so proud of her. She's on her way to become CEO of one of the biggest media houses in the country.

I set the timer for a 30 minute yoga session and feel much calmer when I'm done. After a shower I blow dry and lightly curl my hair and get dressed.

I listen to some relatively calming music, mostly from when I was kid to remind me of happier times.

_Pain throws your heart to the ground  
Love turns the whole thing around  
Fear is a friend you misunderstand  
But I know the heart of life is good_

I finish with my tea and breakfast and look over the NDA I have. Not that it's changed but I'm supposed to be having lunch with Jose and Val today and to say that my nerves are through the roof would be an understatement. I remember Flynn's advice. I have to let my trust in my friends. _The heart of life is good._

...

Just before I get up from my desk to head towards the elevator I get a call from Christian.

"Hi baby" he croons and it makes me smile.

"Hey you, how's it going?"

"It's going well. I had a moment alone and I wanted to just call you and tell you how much I love you."

Oh fuck... why do you gotta make me cry in the middle of the workday, Grey?

"Why are you so good to me?" I say trying to calm my wavering voice.

"Cause, you're my girl."

"I love you so much."

"I love you too, baby. See you soon."

Lunchtime rolls around and we head to Jose's favorite sandwich shop. He needs carbs when serious conversations happen. Since he frequents this established quite often, he only has to call his order ahead and it's ready by the time we get there. By some miracle we get seats in a secluded corner on the second floor where can talk somewhat freely.

"Okay Steele, hit me." Jose starts.

I take a deep breath. "Jose, I already sort of mentioned this to you but Val, we haven't really gotten a chance to talk... I've been thinking for quite some time now and you both are my closest friends at GEH and... honestly in life too outside of my best friend and roommate Kate. The reason for that is that my adoptive mom comes from a family that's well known in the business circle and they insist on me having friends sign an NDA. I've always been uncomfortable with that idea because I never wanted to put that pressure on a friendship when it's just starting out so I chose to not volunteer information about my family beyond that fact that my mother lives in San Francisco... but truth is... the way I am with you guys... that's a very compartmentalized version of who I really am. I've... " _Don't cry, Ana. You can do this._ Take another deep breath. "I've been through some difficult stuff and it's shaped the way I am and a lot of it is connected to my family... and I want to be able to share who I really am as a person with you guys..."

I look up at Val who's looking down. I see the pain in her face.

"I'm really sorry, I don't want you to think I've been lying to you, I just didn't want to seem like a burden. I always thought I needed to be the happy go lucky girl to be seen as a worthy friend but I've finally found a good therapist and I've been realizing how I've been keeping people at arms length all these years."

Val and Jose nod. God, this is tense.

"Val... I'm sorry." I say.

"No Ana, don't apologize. I understand. Let me know where to sign and I'll do it."

I take out my iPad and hand it to her. Both Jose and Val read over it.

"Yeah looks good." Jose signs first and then I open another copy for Val to sign as well.

"Okay so, tell us everything." Jose rubs his hands and grins like a child who just found treasure.

"Yeah, I need something else to focus on in life. I'm breaking up with Bill soon so I need something to keep my occupied."

I can't help but laugh. I tell them the summarized version about the family and tell them that the more serious stuff I'd tell them when they came over to my apartment since I need privacy for that.

"So you come from billionaire stock?" Val asks wide-eyed.

"No, I don't. My father was ex-military and a high school teacher. He married Nita when I was 10 years old. Nita's family is from billionaire stock..."

"Oh okay... that's cool. So that's why you know so much about the Indian culture and can speak the language"

"Is that why you don't date? Because of the NDA shit?" Jose asks.

"Yes, kind of... It's not that I don't want to date, it's just complicated beyond the NDA shit." I start to tear up. _Don't Ana, control yourself._

"Okay this weekend, after the baby shower, we meet at my place. I'll get the ice-cream and we will talk this out. Deal?" Jose says.

"Deal." Val and I both say in unison.

"Though you might want to do a proper snack run, we're going to need it." I warn.

"Dios mio... this bitch is out to give me a heart attack." Jose says with his hand over his heart while Val and I snicker.

We get up and they both hug me before we head out to walk back to the office. I stop at the health bar again to get my usual carrot juice and Jose gags without fail. Once we're at GEH, I realize we still have 10 minutes left so we head to the atrium to say hellos to some of our other friends. I feel my phone vibrate; I secretly hope it's Christian, again. I miss him so.

I check the caller ID. Why is Carla calling?

...

**CPOV**

We land at Sea-Tac at 6:30 and I see that I haven't heard from Ana at all since lunch.

CG: Hey baby, wanted to check in?

30 minutes pass and I don't hear from her. I'm already back at Escala. I call Sawyer to ask about her and he tells me that she didn't go to Pilates and wanted to go straight home. He could tell that she had been crying and didn't say a word or react to him.

CG: Baby, are you okay?

AS: Just tired. I want to go to sleep.

CG: Okay baby, sleep well. I'll see you on Friday. I love you.

She does not respond. I want to head over to her place but I have to remember what Flynn told me. I need to learn to give her space. I cannot hover and overwhelm her. I already imposed yesterday.

I shower, change and walk into the kitchen as Gail sets out dinner, steak with mashed potatoes and grilled vegetables. She also puts a side of mac and cheese, she know how much I love mac and cheese. She indulges me like a child sometimes. She retires for the night, I eat and work on the laptop for a bit but I'm distracted. I get a message from Ana, it's a little after 8pm.

AS: Would it be okay if I stayed over as Escala for a day or two?

Odd.

CG: Of course baby, you never have to ask. You can come by and stay for as long as you want. When do you want to come over?

AS: Now.

CG: Okay I'll send Sawyer.

AS: No, it's okay. I don't want ruin his evening. I can take an Uber. It'll be fine Christian, please.

CG: Ana, don't argue with me. Sawyer will be there soon.

I text Sawyer and ask him to pick up Ana and bring her to Escala.

Something feels off. 45 minutes later, the elevator pings, I walk out of my office and I see Ana walk into the bedroom with a bag. She walks slowly, head hanging, something is really wrong.

I walk into the bedroom and follow her into the walk in closet.

"Ana, baby what's wrong?" She turns around and her face is red, full of tears. She runs and hugs me, tightly and sobs uncontrollably almost wailing. I kiss her hair and rock her as she continues to cry.

"Why doesn't she love me? Am I that unworthy? I'm her flesh and blood, why doesn't she love me?" Ana asks me.

"Baby, what happened?" I hold her face in my hands; she's in so much pain. I wipe her tears away as she falls to the floor. I sit with her. Her crying subsides but she shivers and heaves still.

"I'm going to give you a bath and then we'll have dinner. You haven't eaten yet, have you?" She shakes her head. She's disheveled and still in her work clothes. I help her up and bring her to the bathroom with me. Her eyes are fixed to the floor, as the water fills the tub. I kiss her cheeks and new wave of tears fall. I take off her shoes and remove all her clothing one by one. I kiss her forehead and tip her face to me. She looks at me with the saddest eyes. It breaks my heart. My beautiful girl is walking around with a broken heart. I kiss her lips and she closes her eyes, tears still falling.

I help her into the tub and sit outside, playing with her hair, caressing her cheek.

"Can you also join me, please?" she asks in the smallest voice. "Sure, baby." I smile back. I take off my clothes and I take my place behind her. I turn her face to me and kiss her. She keeps her eyes down. Shivers run through her body every now and then. I wash her, kissing her cheek, and her temple. I kiss her shoulder and her hands every so often.

"Talk to me baby." I plead as I kiss her cheek.

"When we had that fight before Christmas and I moved in with Grace for a couple of days, I called Carla, wanting to know if I could visit her in Georgia. I desperately wanted to get out of here. She never picked up of course. I left her 3 messages. I knew I couldn't worry Nita, she was all the way in India and I had made Kate swear to me not to tell her what happened, I didn't want her flying out for something that wasn't life or death for me. Carla finally responded to those messages by calling me today. Every time I talk to her, it's useless and I still go back for more. I'm such a fucking idiot. She doesn't care about me at all but I run to her because I feel like maybe this time, the fact that we share blood will make her want me and heal me. But she never does want me." She starts to cry more. I kiss her temple and try to comfort her the best I can. I hug her tightly. "She called because she found out that Nana had died and wanted to know if the will had been read... she was trying to fish for information to see if I had gotten anything."

She sits up and turns to the side so that her back lays against the tub to my left. I can see her face clearly now and she looks back at me. Her face is puffy and red.

"When I had the accident, it took her a whole week to show up by my bedside. Apparently she was on some cruise with "zero cell service". Thank God Ray had the foresight to have medical powers of attorney made for all of us and have each other's names on them. That way Nita was able to make all my medical decisions when I was critical. When Carla finally did show up, she wanted to pull the plug on me after 3 days. She said she couldn't "bear to see me in pain." In comparison, Nani and Alia Khala were at my beside within 36 hours, they flew in back from India and they took care of all the immediate financial costs and helped Nita through everything. Everyone else in the family showed up slowly in the following week. Thankfully the hospital followed chain of command and listened to Nita only but Nita and Nani still had to beg Carla not to create a fuss by going to the press. Can you imagine, two women who don't share an ounce of blood with me were convincing my biological mother not to let me die? I suspect that Nita and Nani paid her off to keep her quiet but I don't ever want confirmation because if it tuned out to be true it'd break me even more." She starts to cry again uncontrollably. My heart breaks for her. I can't believe she had to go through all of this.

"The doctors even asked Nita to eventually pull the plug on me after the second month but Nita and Nani never gave up. They had me transferred to San Francisco instead. Nita quit her job right after my accident. Nani stayed by my bedside day in and out till visiting hours were over. She would read the Quran next to me, play recitations of all the major verses. They'd all come and talk to me. When I finally woke up, the nurses told me, they said they'd never seen so much love for someone. 4 months, everyday, Nita and Nani, Alia Khala and Kiran whenever she could would come to see me and talk to me while I was in a coma. Other cousins whenever they visited would also come to see me apparently."

I feel tears fall from my eyes and I lift her hand and place it on my cheek as I kiss it.

"When I woke up, Nani would hold my hand and recite the Quran as if she were trying to heal me, but I couldn't feel her, I'd just cry and scream inside, asking for Ray. No one could hear me. I felt so alone Christian and I was such an asshole, the entire time I just wanted my mom. I feel so guilty for feeling that way. Carla barely visited. She came by once after I woke up and that too only for 4 days. She'd barely call about me. She was just so obsessed with Bob and his country club life that I was barely a passing thought. Even on my graduation, she didn't show up at the last minute. I had spent $400 to get those extra tickets from someone who was selling them on campus for her and Bob, that was like a whole weeks paycheck for me with overtime and at the last minute Bob apparently broke his foot and she couldn't leave him to fend himself. I mean, it was just for a day or two, it's not like he would have was such a huge moment in my life, I was graduating from college with a 4.0 and honors after all the shit I had been through and she let me down again. I almost didn't come to graduation but Kate, Nita and Nani forced me. I was so out of it, I desperately missed Ray; hence the lifeless handshake that I gave and not along with not looking at you.

I move in to kiss her. "I can't believe I'd been so blind to you all this time."

"Like I said before, I guess the Universe wanted complete silence when we actually met. Just you and I, no distractions, no noise, just us." She muses. I lean in to kiss her lips again and she gives me a small smile, eyes still cast down, she continues.

"Carla still holds a grudge about how I chose to live with Ray. When she married husband #2 and we moved to Vegas, he turned out to be an abusive creep. He would say things like "you're so beautiful like your mother, you're going to turn so many heads" I was only 8 at the time Christian and it filled me with dread, a grown man looking at me like that. I just knew it was wrong. Sometimes I'd wake up at night and he'd be in my room staring at me... I missed Ray so much. After 3-4 months of weird stares and passing touches, I finally got the courage to call Ray from my school. I saved up enough quarters that I'd find around the house and used a pay phone to call him. Anytime Ray called the house, they would always be listening so I couldn't say anything. I told him the address of my school and begged him to take me back home with him. He was at the school the next day. The authorities got involved and Ray legally took me away, declaring Carla an unfit mother. The judge took a statement from me and I told them I didn't want to live with Carla anymore. She holds that against me. When I came back to Montesano, I became a recluse, I gained so much weight because I wanted to look ugly and that way no one would look at me the husband #2 did." She shivers and I ask her if she wants to leave the bath, she nods. I can feel anger surge through me.

"Who is husband #2, I'm going to kill him I swear." I say as I get up. "He drank himself into the ground." She says simply.

I dry her off, quickly wear my clothes and she pulls pajamas and a t-shirt from her bag. I hold her and kiss her after she's dressed.

"Baby, come, let me feed you." I hold her hand and take her to the kitchen. I heat up some of the steak and vegetables with some mac and cheese as I make her a cup of tea. She just stares at the floor. She looks like a little child and it breaks my heart even more. I take the plate and sit next to her and feed her. She eats. Thank god she doesn't have food issues. She starts to speak again.

"I know nothing about my birth father. Nothing at all, except for the fact that I have his eyes. I suspect I'm the product of an affair or something... Carla just always said that no one could ever understand their love and relationship. Apparently my biological father used to call Carla, Rose. That's why Carla named me Anastasia Rose. But then after Ray adopted me they added Steele. I don't even feel like a Rose but I chased this ghost of man to try and feel close to him. I bought rose flavored things to somehow feel close to him. I heard this song last year it's about how this girl says she feels like sunflower and that she's a little funny and that if she were a real rose then maybe people would want her. I feel like a sunflower, I'm only happy when I'm around people I love and when I'm alone, I'm just sad and broken. But a rose, a rose is defiant; it stands alone and commands attention even in the darkest of storms. I am not that." She sings a little, her voice broken and her emotion is so raw

_But I'm a sunflower, a little funny  
If I was a rose, maybe you'd want me  
If I could, I'd change overnight  
And turn into something you'd like  
But I'm a sunflower, a little funny  
If I was a rose, maybe you'd pick me  
But I know you don't have a clue  
This sunflower's waiting for you  
Waiting for you_

Her head hangs and she looks to the floor. I feel my eyes burn with tears. I try to feed her and she declines. She's barely touched her tea.

"As much as I love Nita, I've always kept her at arms length for fear that if my biological mother didn't want me, then Nita too could easily change her mind. I know I'm being stupid, her actions speak louder than words but I'm still so afraid that once Nani is no more that my bond with all of them will break." She looks to me with tears in her eyes. 'You know that Friday at the wedding, when I took her back to her room she told me about the dream she had about you. She saw you, not you as you are but your essence. When she saw you that night watching me sing she felt that it was you and when held your hand and told you to be happy, she knew it was you from her dreams for me. I took her back to her room and she kept yapping on about how you loved me and you were the love of my life and the father of my children and I was like, chill, he's my boss and you're senile." She giggles a bit. "Nita told me that when I was in a coma, Nani would talk to me and say 'you have to come back, your family is waiting for you, your best friends are waiting for you... the love of your life is waiting for you... your future children are waiting for you. I have dreamt that life for you, I have seen him and he needs you so you must come back."

I cradle her face and kiss her. Trying to tell her how much I love her because my brain is absolutely failing me right now. I crush her to me, and I can feel her tears fall, as I kiss her. I break away from the kiss "I really did love you then and I have been waiting for you, I just didn't realize it." I tell her, I can feel my voice strained. She nods but keeps her eyes down.

"I know I'm being utterly stupid but I'm just so afraid Christian. I know that I'm just longing for those bonds that I had since childhood which were Ray and Carla because they feel safe. Nita came into my life when I was 10, I was fairly grown by then but the fear that if a woman who is actually programmed to love me by nature doesn't give two shits about me, what's to stop people who have no biological connection to me from leaving me. And I know that I'm being irrational and thinking emotionally because I see what Grace and Carrick did for you guys. They love you more than life itself and call you their own. So I can understand that, I really do, but I have so much fear in me. I never used to have fear like this when Ray was alive. I was just an awkward, fat kid who kept to herself and listened to a shit ton of music, and read and her dad was her best friend and then when Nita and Nani came into the picture, they became my best friends along with my cousins... I'm sorry, I know I'm rambling now. My head just hurts. I'm so tired and hungry." She starts to cry again.

"Baby, just a little more of this mac and cheese and take a pain killer and we'll go to bed. Please?" I ask her. She looks to the plate and nods. I feed her and she eats. Her head still hanging low and her eyes looking down. She sniffles and shivers every now and then and wipes her tears. I kiss her cheek and kiss her hands as I feed her. I wish I could do more to heal her. After she's eaten a bit and had some tea, I give her some advil and she takes it. I kiss her and carry her back to the bedroom and get into bed with her back to my front. I kiss her neck and cheeks. "I love you Ana, I'm so happy we found each other."

She turns around to me with her tears in her eyes "I think we need owe it all to Nani, she brought me back, she prayed and made me get better."

I caress her cheek "I'm forever in her debt."

"I'm sorry I just bombarded your evening with all my issues, I went home and Kate was going to be out late for a work deadline and I had all these negative feelings, I didn't want to be alone." Her voice is small.

"You did the right thing. I don't ever want you to be alone, so come here whenever you want. In fact I think you should move in. You can have your girl date nights here. You can redecorate the guest bedrooms upstairs and spend time with Kate and Mia whenever you guys want to hang out."

"And have you spy on our girl talk sessions" she giggles wiping her tears. "I'll put up signs on the doors, 'no boys allowed'"

I chuckle and kiss her. I love how she can still be playful when consumed with sadness.

"I don't think I can move in just yet but thank you for letting me visit whenever I want." She says.

"I want you to have whatever is mine." I say and kiss her. I see tears form again and I wipe them from her eyes as they fall. I try to change the topic to lighten the mood.

"I want to show you something." I pick up my phone from my side table and pull up the email with pictures that Andrea sent of Ana I shaking hands on stage. She's looking down and she shakes my hand and her face tense.

"You found a picture of us from that day?" She asks surprised.

'Yeah I emailed the PR department and they sent it over."

"I look pissed." She laughs. She turns to go pick her phone and scrolls through to find a picture of her with Nita and Nani and one with her and Kate. She's barely smiling. She looks beautiful but sad.

"You're not really smiling in these."

"Yeah... it was a difficult day and it was the last place I wanted to be." She says as her voice wavers.

"I wish we had met that day."

"I wish too." She moves in closer and hugs me, resting her face in the crook of my neck. "How was SF & LA?"

"It was okay, Ros wanted to check out this new tech startup... I'm not fully convinced of their idea but we'll still monitor their progress."

"I might got to SF next weekend. Mama and Nita are flying in on Thursday next week."

"Take the jet and take Sawyer with you, though I would prefer you not spend the night there. I'll get you a suite at the Fairmont."

"Christian, I know where you're coming from but I will be fine. Nothing will happen."

"Ana, please don't argue... I don't trust that fucker and..."

"Let's just table this for now then... we'll talk about it over the weekend." She responds back in annoyance.

"I just want you safe, Ana."

"I will be safe in that house with my grandmother. Anytime shit has happened to me it's been when I was completely alone and too far to scream for help. That will not happen again. Besides, it'll be the weekend, Nita will be home too, they'll be recovering from jet lag and Rania will be over with Aria... it'll be a packed house and I want to see them. I don't sleep alone when I'm there, I either sleep in Nani's room or with Nita and... I miss her okay, I miss my mom... it'll be such a dick move on my part if I say I'm spending nights at a hotel." She moves away and rubs her forehead. "Besides, Sawyer won't be allowed in the house. Nani is weary of that stuff. Only family members and their vetted significant others are allowed in. Even business associates are not allowed in the house unless Nani or Nana allowed them."

"I don't understand the reasoning behind all that but if that's how she runs her ship then..."I shake my head. How the fuck am I supposed to keep her safe if Sawyer won't be allowed. "So will I have to sign an NDA before I step foot in the house?"

"No, honor code applies to you. Besides, there is no business talk allowed inside the house unless Nana took calls in his office or he initiated any conversation about it. Otherwise, all conversation is to be about normal life."

"I see. Have they named a new CEO yet?"

"Not yet. Will hasn't been read yet... I'll eventually find out."

"Do you have any ideas what will happen?"

"Not really, I mean it's obvious that Alia khala and mama get everything but in terms of running the business... maybe they'll make Uncle Rish CEO and then in another 5-10 years, it'll be that asshole and Kiran will be running the show."

"And you get nothing?"

"Nope."

"That's fucking unfair, Ana."

"I don't think about it Christian and neither should you... " She turns away and takes a deep breath. I can tell this conversation is now getting uncomfortable for her.

I scoot in closer to her and kiss her temple and hug her tightly.

"You deserve the world, Ana."

"Christian, I just want the world I have right now. Nothing more."

...

_Thursday, February 6__th__, 2020._

**CPOV**

I feel Ana stir and l look to her. Her back is to me and I can hear her hum a little. I get up from the bed and head out to the piano. I feel so stuck. I can't do anything.

She has all this pain and I feel at such a loss. She can so easily and effortlessly make me feel better after an intense conversation even if it's at her own expense and here I am hanging on to my trauma that pales in comparison to hers.

I play a little, just small sections of different pieces I know. Nothing feels right. How do I describe Ana in music? Do I compose something from scratch. I wouldn't even know where to start. I stretch my arms out and my head hangs over the keys. I breathe deeply trying to calm myself.

"Christian." I her Ana call my name softly, standing next to me. I look up and she runs her hand through my hair and kisses my forehead. She looks so beautiful and the gesture means so much.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't sleep." I say as I stare at the keys.

"Do I snore that loud?" She giggles.

"Yeah, like a bear." I chuckle. She's so cute.

"What's on your mind my love?" She asks so sweetly as she sits next to me and touches my face. I lean in and close my eyes, savoring the warmth of her hand.

"I feel like utter shit. You went and go through so much and I can't do anything to heal you in your time of pain. When you told me all those things about Carla, Nani and your accident, I was so dumbfounded; I couldn't even say anything to make you feel better. You do so much for me and I can't even reciprocate." I choke on my words and tears start to flow, I stare at the keys as they slowly blur out with tears.

She starts to cry.

"Look at me Christian." She coaxes. I turn to her.

"All I need for you is to be there with me. You gave me a bath, you carried me and fed me. You kissed me and held my hand and most of all you let me ramble on, I have never said that shit out loud. That makes me feel so safe and loved. It's okay if you can't say anything back, you say so much when you kiss me. When you hug me till I can't breathe, that all tells me so much... and besides this is all very new for you too. You've been emotionally closed off for so long, it will take you time to grow into this. We all process emotion and love differently. Don't put pressure on yourself." She kisses my hand.

"I really want to tell you about my past but whatever I went through pales in comparison."

"Christian, you really can't compare what we went through. They were harrowing circumstances for us both. We both felt unsafe and loss of control and were manipulated... but we got out of it... we're here now, together. We can take care of each other and we understand the pain each other has been through... it's so rare to find a partner who really understands what you've been through but we found each other... more like I stalked you given our 10 year trajectory but you know minor detail..." she giggles and I can't help but chuckle myself.

"You're a way better therapist than Flynn." I smile at her.

"I know right?" She giggles "No, but he is good. I really like him and he's helped me a lot. I think if we did couples counseling with him it'd be so beneficial to us."

"You're right." She's always so right.

I pick up her hands and kiss them both. I kiss her knuckles and her palms. It's never enough.

Inspiration hits me and I release her hands gently. I start to play and sing. I know she loves this song, she hums it every now and then.

_When it rain it pours but you didn't even notice__  
__It ain't rainin' anymore, it's hard to breathe when all you know is__  
__The struggle of staying above, the rising water line__  
__Well the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin'__  
__But you're stuck out in the same old storm again__  
__You hold tight to your umbrella, well, darlin' I'm just tryin' to tell ya__  
__That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head_

She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. Smiling. She looks so beautiful._If you could see what I see, you'd be blinded by the colours__  
__Yellow, red and orange and green, and at least a million others__  
__So tie up the bow, take off your coat and take a look around__  
__'Cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blown'__  
__But you're stuck out in the same old storm again__  
__You hold tight to your umbrella, well, darlin' I'm just tryin' to tell ya__  
__That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head_She kisses my shoulder and leans her head on it, staring at my hands as I play._Oh tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around__  
__Everything is alright now__  
__'Cause the sky has finally opened, the rain and wind stopped blowin'__  
__But you're stuck out in the same old storm again__  
__Let go of your umbrella, 'cause darlin', I'm just tryin' to tell ya__  
__That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head__  
__Yeah there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head__  
__It all be alright_

She sings the last few lines with me. We are so good together. She lifts my hand and places it on her cheeks and leans into it as she cries. I pull her close to me and kiss her hair. We sit in silence for a while.

"Come to bed with me Mr. Grey, I miss you." She looks up. I smile and we get up and head back to bed.

* * *

**Authors note:** Couples therapy session with Flynn + baby shower shenanigans + more family dyanmics/secrets to be revealed in the next chapter.

How are you all doing? Jess, this is ridiculous that you still haven't gotten your test results yet. Fingers and toes crossed for you.


	34. Chapter 34

As always, thank you so much for the reviews and suggestions. You guys are honestly the freaking best.

* * *

Chapter 34 – _Impossible de voir sans toi_

_Thursday, February 6th, 2020._

**CPOV**

We're standing in my ensuite bath, getting ready. It's been forever since I've shared this with her. I've missed it.

"How are you feeling, baby?" I stand behind her and rest my face in her neck.

"I'm okay." She says with a small smile as she applies a little blush.

"You know, as much as I wish you worked on my floor, thank god you don't?"

"Why?"

"Because I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of you. Even yesterday, you looked so beautiful."

She looks at me through the mirror. "Wait... you weren't even here yesterday... how did you...oh wait, I know... you stalker... remote CCTV link?"

I laugh and kiss her neck and she giggles. "You know, there were so many times I wanted to flip the bird at the CCTV while we were on break cause I was so mad at you."

I let out a big laugh. "I kind of like it when you're mad. You look cute... terrifying but cute."

She turns around to give me small kisses on my lips. "Good, you remember that the next time you piss me off and I put you in your place." She giggles and kisses me some more. We're interrupted by an incoming call on her phone. I check to see and it's Nita. She sets the call to speaker and resumes her makeup routine.

"Asalaam-o-alaikum Mama!" she sings.

"Walakum asalaam, Aanu." She says back. She really has a sweet voice like Ana. Though, I don't quite understand how she has a British accent, I need to ask Ana about that.

"How is everything? I was looking at flights... I can fly in Friday night and then fly out super early Monday morning next week. "

Fuck, I wanted us to spend Valentine's day together, I made plans... that I've yet to ask her out for. Fuck... I'm such a fucking sap.

"Aanu, there's been a change in plans. The lawyers are flying in for the will reading since there are some Indian assets that need to be transferred to Alia apa and I and instead of coming back to India again for the legalities and transfers, the lawyers suggested we just do it here and get everything sorted before we come back to avoid another trip. They will liaise with our local lawyers here to get everything done. We're looking to come back to SF by the 20th at the latest."

I see Ana's face fall. "Oh... okay, that makes sense. I'll look up tickets for then."

"I'm sorry meri jaan. We just want this to get done once and for all and come back. I've been itching to get back to work and walking around freely again." She giggles.

"Yeah I can imagine. How is Nani?"

"She's doing well, we all miss Baba but this Nani of yours is a tough cookie." She laughs.

Ana laughs too and starts to say something in hindi and she responds in kind.

"Tell me how is Christian?"

Ana looks at me and smiles I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing the love in her eyes... as much as I crave it, I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

"He's doing well, just busy building his empire."

"Well, you must bring him when you visit in a few weeks. Rania was telling me we need to start brainwashing him and turn him into a desi... and besides, I'd like to get to know him better."

"I will mama, I'll look at his schedule and we'll make a plan. Will you guys ever visit Seattle? No one has come to see me since I moved here." She says with sadness.

"I know meri jaan, I will, I promise."

"Okay, I will hold you to that."

"Do you need anything from here?"

"No, just come back soon. I miss you guys a lot."

"I will, Aanu and we miss you too. Take care of yourself, meri jaan."

"I will, Mama. I love you."

"I love you, Khuda Hafiz."

She hangs up and closes her eyes as if to will herself not to cry. I hold her hand and kiss her cheek.

"Sorry, I don't mean to be a grown ass woman crying because she misses her mom."

"You love her Ana, of course you miss her."

"I think I really got used to seeing them again so often while I was wedding planning and then suddenly I was just cut off."

"We'll go see them soon. I'm intrigued by this conversion Nita talked about. What's desi?"

She laughs. "Oh that... well, it's pronounced as 'they-see' actually. It's a term meant for people who are of the sub-continent origin in this case, indian, Pakistani or Bangladeshi but they live abroad but now people associate it with culture and traditions. So like, I can say... I love desi food or I'm going to act desi for the day... so yeah, my family is going to fully transform you. Full brainwash protocol. You'll be speaking hindi-urdu in no time, Mr. Grey. Your poor stomach may not be able to handle it but you know what they say... sometimes you just gotta dive in." she giggles.

"I can't wait baby. Maybe you can to teach me some words beforehand."

.

She beams at me. "Sure, I'd love to."

...

**APOV:**

I feel at ease now that Jose and Val know. I'm still holding out on the major stuff till we meet in private but still, I can breathe easier. My face still looks a bit like a puffball from all the crying from last night so I walk with Sawyer to the health bar half a block down from GEH and get a beet juice hoping it will return me to normal."

"You know, your juice habits used to creep me out but then I tried one and it wasn't so bad." Sawyer shares.

"SEE! Don't knock it till you try it." I giggle.

"Yeah, yeah. How are you feeling? You didn't look so good last night."

"I feel much better. I got a call from my birth mom yesterday after lunch and she's a real... bitch. I don't know why I still let her affect me but it just threw me... she straight up asked if my grandfather's will had been read and if I was getting anything. No condolences, nothing... just straight up asked me that. No mention of the fact that I left her 3 messages while I was living at the Grey's... nada, zip."

"That's fucked up. I'm sorry."

"Thanks, Luke... I appreciate that. I just need to toughen up and not let this shit affect me anymore. I think I'll be coming to Escala more often... I need to get over myself, shit happens and I need to move past it. How about we start on Tuesday evening after work?"

"Sounds good to me. Get ready to eat the mat."

"Bitch please" I raise my hand to his face and laugh.

We walk over to the atrium and meet with up Jose and Val who groan at the fact that Luke and I are both drinking beet juice.

"I can't believe you let dis bish brainwash you." Jose gags.

"He had no choice." I laugh.

"So how do you like working for Grey?" Jose asks with way too much eagerness.

"It's like any CPO job." Luke shrugs and effectively puts an end to that line of questioning.

Jose then turns his attention to me and we discuss the game plan for Ros and Gwen's baby shower on Friday. Jose is hosting since Ros has no interest in running the show unless it's a business deal. I know for a fact that Jose will lose shit 5 mins into this but at least there will be entertainment that will keep my mind off Christian being there and not being able to be near him. It's going to be... difficult. Being in the same space as him is always a challenge.

...

I'm on my way to Caroline Acton's showroom. She reached out to me earlier in the week and we spoke for a bit. She asked me my current style icons and I told her I really liked Meghan Markle's style for office wear and gave her New York blogger's name for style inspiration for casual and party wear. I told her I like a touch of whimsy in things and liked bright colors but that my style was still more on the conservative side in terms of shapes and cuts. Lots of midi length clothing. I sent her images of myself and what I've worn before and she said she was excited to meet me and would have selections ready for me to try out and choose from this evening. I told her I didn't know all that much about lingerie and that I would trust her judgment... my mind briefly goes to the idea of her choosing stuff for the subs but I quickly try to pull myself out of it. I'm his girlfriend and he wants me to meet this woman just as that... the past doesn't matter anymore. He took such good care of me last night... he loves me. I need to stop being such an insecure little girl about this shit.

"Miss Steele, welcome to my showroom. I'm excited to work with you."

"Caroline, please call me Ana and I'm equally excited to be here."

She smiles at me and gives me a wink. Caroline is an impeccably dress woman in her late 30's. She's in a cream white jumpsuit with a hair in a low messy bun and delicate gold accessories. She's reminds me of the street style stars I see from PFW or LFW. I see wine and some light refreshments set out for us but I politely decline, asking for water or orange juice instead.

We hit it off and soon we're joking as she has me trying on various dresses in different styles.

"I'm really going to enjoy pulling pieces for you. You've got the right amount of mystery and fun going on. Yes... we're definitely going to have some fun" she cheers.

"I'll be honest, I haven't ever really done this... it's kind of addictive." I giggle.

"So tell me, what are absolute no go's?"

"Well, anything above the knee or that shows too much cleavage... I'm not entirely opposed to showing skin, I just would like to control the narrative and avoid any... accidents if you know what I mean." I laugh.

"Okay so we can follow the Meghan Markle rule for things then. Do you have any events coming up or just work and casual wear for now?"

"Just work and casual wear. I was thinking we could maybe meet as we go. My closest is tiny to fit everything we've picked so maybe I can pick things as I need them? I can take a few dresses and some lingerie today and then play it by ear if that's okay?"

"Sure thing, I can store the rest for you and we can arrange clothing for you need. You have my personal number, send me a message or call whenever and we can have it arranged."

"Thank you Caroline, I had so much fun today." I can't stop smiling and giggling like a schoolgirl.

"Me too, it's so lovely to meet you Ana. We're going to have so much fun!"

Luke meets me in the store and helps me with my five bags filled with crap. He gives me a smile and rolls his eyes.

"Don't look at me like that Luke, I know you're dying to try on my new shoes."

He lets out a big belly laugh. "Fuck you, Steele."

I laugh too. "It's a good thing we don't share the same shoe size. Though maybe I should give them to you to help me break them in."

"Keep dreaming. Only time I'm ever willing to wear heels is on Halloween." He smirks as he drives us towards Escala.

**CPOV**

It's almost 8:30 when I hear the elevator ping from the office. I walk out and see Ana and Sawyer laughing and sharing a fist bump before he heads out after dropping what looks like bags full of clothes outside our room. Once I see him leave I call out to Ana.

"Hey baby..." I say as I walk closer to her.

"Hi Honey, I'm homeee after spending alllll your hard earned money." She says giggling and throws her arms around me. I lean down for a kiss. She's got the biggest smile on her face, there's color on her cheeks and her skin is warm.

"Did you have fun?"

"Lots of fun, Caroline is hilarious and she completely understands my style and complimented me which was such an ego boost given how cool she is... I've never done anything like this... it's kind of addictive... it's game over for you Mr. Grey." She warns before falling into a fit of giggles again. I want to see her like this everyday.

"Baby, making you happy makes me happy." I kiss her again. "Come, let's eat. I'm starving."

"Why didn't you eat?"

"I wanted to eat with you, baby and hear about your day. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah I'm starving too, I only had some juice and like half of Jose's salad which was a struggle cause the fucker eats at the speed of light and it's hard to keep up when I'm stealing from him... oh I also have some pieces of fruit and cheese at Caroline's." She laughs.

"Why did you get your own?"

"I was lazy. I'd rather have something to drink at lunch time for some reason since my water intake is such shit these days."

"Ana, you have to drink water and eat properly."

"oh god, I will... I just... it's hard during the workday."

"What are these juices you get?"

"Oh, there's this health bar that's like half a block away from GEH... they have this amazing carrot juice and beet juice... it's all fresh and I'm addicted to it. Jose HATES it... but I was able to successfully bring Luke to the dark side, so I have company." She laughs as we start to eat.

"I'd like to join you on the dark side."

"I'll get you some one day, when Olivia is not around or maybe I'll have to figure out a way to sneak into your office." She wiggles her eyebrows and it makes me smile. _My playful girl._ "My favorite is the carrot one, it has orange juice, ginger, pineapple and lemon... it's a great way for me to get my fruit and veggie serving and that way I can eat cheesecake at night. It's all about balance." She giggles.

"I find your food rationalizations hilarious, Miss Steele." I smirk trying to not to laugh.

"I know, I'm brilliant at it." She shrugs and winks at me.

We continue to eat and talk about our day and discuss some of the current projects in the pipeline. I've missed this. I realized we've been apart more than we've been together since we've met and even though we're on our way to a new normal, I have this desperate sense of craving to experience normalcy with her. Years of eating dinner alone and being holed up in the office. Even when the subs were around, I barely spoke to them. I had no desire for the... noise. But, Ana... Ana fill my world with so much beauty and warmth. Hearing her laugh and talk up a storm... I want to hear and learn about everything. I want to know everything about her. She's still such a mystery to me. I can read her body yes, but her mind... I'll never be able to know it all. They way she thinks and sees things... it's an enigma. An entire universe for me to explore and it's vast and I want to spend the rest of my life on this journey of discovery.

Once we're done with dinner, we put the dishes in the dishwasher and I get another glass of wine while she makes herself some tea and we head to the couches and get comfortable.

"I forgot to tell you but I had Jose and Val NDA's yesterday."

"How did it go?"

"It was scary... but they were really sweet and I feel at ease now. I haven't told them the heavy shit or that I'm dating someone, I realize that they would need to sign an NDA for you also so I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it but we're meeting soon for me to tell them everything else. I told them I could only do it in privacy so we'll meet some time next week." She takes a deep breath.

"It'll be fine baby."

"Yeah, I know. I just... I told Flynn this and he brought up a point. He said why are you setting up your friends for failure? When someone tells you something deeply personal and troubling about their past does it make you pity them? I said no, it makes me love them more and want to cherish them so he said, well then why is it so hard to believe that they could feel the same way for you? He said that by keeping everyone at arms length I was still hurting myself but if I let people in then there's a 50-50 chance that they'll surprise me... he gave me your example... that as distant as you were in terms of women and people in general, how surprising it was how you are with me."

"I never thought of it that way. I've also just never wanted to let anyone in my life so we never had those conversations... you're the first person I wanted in that way and as much of a risk as it was... I knew it would be worth it. "

"What if I had said no?" she asks.

"It would've fucking sucked but I wouldn't have given up. I'm impatient and stubborn that way." I give her a chaste kiss. "Though, technically you did say no."

"I did?"

"Yeah, in a way at least, you said we should go our separate ways when we returned to Seattle."

"Oh... yeah... I was just... managing my expectations I guess. I thought you probably... well, you were Mr. Rich and Gorgeous CEO, I didn't want to push my luck. I thought, let me leave before I get left." She shrugs.

"Why do you always belittle yourself like that, Ana?"

She looks out into the distance. "Defense mechanism. As much heartbreak as I have experienced... you think I'd be used to it but... I'm not... still... anyway, I just thought everything was happening because we were in a wedding bubble and everything was curated... I've grown up with good looking and self-aware men like you and I see how they use their looks to their advantage, I wasn't going to fall victim to that. Besides, I'm not really a part of that world."

That makes sense. No wonder she resisted me. She's always protecting herself; she's had years of practice. "Well, I like your real world better." I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "You're so incredibly beautiful Ana, I don't know how you can't see it."

"Christian..." she closes her eyes for a few moments. "This version you see of me, the one wearing nice dresses and has her hair done and wears makeup, this version is only 6 months old. I spent all my teen years 40 lbs heavier than I am now and wearing baggy jeans and loose t-shirts and plaid shirts, basically anything that could make me invisible after the Vegas shit. In the summer before I left for college, I started to wear somewhat normal clothes and the night of my going away party, it was the first time that I had really dressed up... in years outside of a family wedding. Kiran dolled me up and I looked... different, I started to think that maybe I was pretty you know... But then..." she shakes her head and takes a deep breath. "When I moved to Portland after everything, I went back to that, the jeans, baggy t-shirts and plaid shirts. I became invisible again till Kate really got on my fucking nerves and forced me to at least wear t-shirts in my size. Then I came here and I literally bought some shift dresses from old navy and would wear them to SIP because the dress code was so lax and it didn't matter what I wore... I borrowed a dress from Kate to wear for my GEH interview and I felt like a fucking fake. It wasn't me but I needed the job so... anyway... I had to deal with shit from Kiran about applying to GEH... "

"What the fuck was her problem?"

"Competition, jealousy... I guess... even though your portfolio is far more diverse than AHAK's, it's more on par with KGI's but then again, they're focused on the other side of the world... basically she was like just move back to SF or NYC to work at the AHAK office there since I did so well there before and I loved New York. Anyway she called me after I had told her about the interview and Vishaal was with her, he was at her place and they both were trying to convince me to not take it and I shut them down as politely as I could. I told them I needed to make a name for myself... anyway, she relented and then when I finally got the job she changed her tune and became supportive. A week before my first day we had a call and she asked me what I was going to wear and I had bought a few dresses from like banana republic or something... I was on a really tight budget and they were shitty like I would've gotten eaten alive if this were high school... anyway, she was like I have clothes that I'm no longer wearing so just take them and I'll send you my old stuff as I buy new ones. So basically anything you've seen me in, a part from very few pieces has been from Kiran's closet."

"Well, as beautiful as you look in them, you're fucking burning all that shit now and telling her not to send anything else. If she sends you shit I will burn it myself." I growl but she doesn't react.

"I know my relationship with them both is toxic. Kate helped me see that..."

"What do you mean?"

"After moving to Portland and I started to feel better, I began telling Kate everything and she made me realize I never really bonded with other cousins, like Rania, Karan and Aashu etc. Kiran and Vishaal almost... actually no, they feel a sense of ownership when it comes to me. I only had traditions with them, I only hung out with them, they tried to keep me away from everyone. And even when other cousins were around, I never hung out alone with them... Kiran and Vishaal are just... they are convinced that everyone is jealous of them and they need to own shit... you know what I mean? It's borderline psychotic." She starts to cry but really tries to rein it in. "And the fucked up part is I still feel a sense of loyalty to Kiran because of everything... I mean... when her wedding planner quit, I started to give her ideas for what she could do and she was like, 'can you just plan this please, you have my credit card just charge everything' and I didn't even hesitate because I thought... it's the least I can do.

After everything they've done for me... planning an event is the least I can do... I have all these memories with them you know... she was my big sister when I so desperately ached to have a sibling but I realized that it was just me feeling like I was wanted. She told me secrets and she was cool but she was 5 years older than me and I guess it was the thrill of someone cool thinking I was worthy... you know but Kiran is selfish... she's not been through hardship like my other cousins. She's the fucking Queen Bee in that family, who has been blessed with good fortune. The heiress to a multi-billionaire empire with her brother...

Anytime I would go to SF or when I was with her in New York, we'd go out to eat and go shopping, well she went shopping and I was there for moral support because I never bought anything... we'd play games, like... speak in ridiculous British accents and flirt with the waiters and get free desserts... and it was fun... but after my first year in college, I started to get close to my other cousins and made an active point to develop traditions with them. Case in point Rania, I got close to her after her wedding where she immediately got pregnant... by accident and she's the first amongst us cousins to have a child which was so fucking exciting for me, so I got close to her, it was so easy... I was there for Aria's birth...I'm her godmother, not that we have that tradition in the south Asian culture but Rania said that she wanted her daughter to be close to me out of everyone. I facetime with her every weekend, she sends me video messages of Aria every other day and I reply the same way... sometimes Aria asks for me before bedtime and I'll get a call from Rania to sing her to sleep..."

She covers her face and breaks down. I scoot in closer and hug her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to breakdown... I've just haven't talked about this in a really long time... with Kate we just analyzed stuff but she's busy now and I've burdened her with so much already... I've been feeling really emotional since the wedding so..."

I kiss her hair and rub her back. "That's okay, baby. You can tell me anything you want to... you definitely seem more at ease talking to Rania I've noticed."

"Yeah, she's a lot like Kate for me in that family. I've really come close to telling her a few times but... I also don't want to put her in an awkward position since she's head of legal at AHAK and she works really closely with them both... and she has a really good relationship with them also... so it's just... a clusterfuck... Rania was the first person I called when considered applying to GEH and she was so supportive. She totally understood where I was coming from and was ready to help in anyway she could which is why I listed her as a reference. She actually wanted me to have you sign an NDA, she's not into Nana's honor code thought process but she also said that she trusted me implicitly and knew that I would always have the family's best interest at heart."

"Do you think you'll ever tell her?"

"I hope I can one day. Right now, I have to wait to hear what the Will reading reveals... that will really help me see what the family and business landscape will look like."

"You don't owe Kiran and that fucker anything, Ana."

"I owe them my gratitude. You don't know what it's like to be constant debt to people. I've been in that position my entire life... I know it bothers you when I say thank you all the time and I feel a deep sense of loyalty to people but you have to understand that I never want anyone to accuse me of taking something for granted because I don't... I know how fortunate I am to have everything I have right now... because anyone else with no access to a family with unlimited financial resources would ever have survived when I went through... "

I fucking hate this. She doesn't deserve to be weighed down like this. She's so fucking kind and full of love and she's wasting it on people who constantly take from her.

"Ana, you don't have an ungrateful bone in your body."

"Still, I'm not about to let anyone accuse me of it. It would break me if they did, I'd feel like I was reduced to nothing."

"Baby... you are such an enigma to me. I don't... words actually fail me."

She giggles and wipes her tears. "You mean to tell me a girl from Montesano has left The Great and Worldly Christian Grey speechless."

"Every damn day, Ana. Every damn day and I love it." I laugh. "Come on baby, let's have a bath and go to bed. I've missed taking baths with you."

"Same here. I think I'm only with you for the bathtub and the jet and...just a _little bit_ for the sex." She giggles.

"I knew it, Miss Steele... you're just using me for my body." I smirk and go in for a kiss and slowly push her down on the couch as she laughs. I kiss her deeply as her hands pull my hair. My fingers travel up her leg and trace her thigh till I reach her opening and I play with her... she's drenched and it's such a fucking turn on every time.

"Now you're using me for sex, Mr. Grey." She giggles trying not to moan and unzips me.

"That's right Miss Steele, I'm going to get you dirty before our little bath. A little quid pro quo if you will." I enter her slowly and she tries to suppress a moan. I look into the ocean eyes of my tear stained girl, full of love. I'm so hopelessly in love with her. I place my forearm above her head and stroke her cheek with my other hand. "Forget everything baby, just focus on this... on us... and how much we love each other."

She nods silently, looking into my eyes and slowly kiss her, taking her away from all the sadness.

* * *

_Friday, February 7th, 2020._

**CPOV**

Ana and I are the last appointment for the day for Flynn. She seems a little happier today. I hold her hand and stroke my thumb on the back of her hand. She looks at me and smiles. She's wearing one of the dresses she picked up from Caroline last night. It's black and structured and she looks like a million bucks. There's no one in the waiting room so I pull her in for a kiss.

"You look beautiful, I love your hair open like this."

"You look not so bad yourself, Mr. Grey. Dare I say we look like a power couple?"

"I have to agree with that assessment 100%, Miss Steele." I smirk and kiss her again, deepening it.

The sound of someone clearing their throat interrupts us. Ana pulls away and laughs. "We got caught!" she whispers.

We get and walk in to John's office.

"Ana, you look lovely."

"John, you look handsome."

"And if you both are done, we're here for a therapy session." I say with mock irritation making Ana laugh out loud.

"Christian, just because I'm taking your money doesn't mean I can't have a little innocent fun while I do it." He laughs.

"Well, John, tell Rhian that I'm looking forward to seeing her soon."

"I'd definitely pass that along but I should tell you... you're not her type, she has a thing for accents." John says with a smug face.

"Oh shit... Christian Grey just got BURNED!" Ana laughs like a child and we all join in.

We sit together, still hand in hand, a welcome change from our last session together. This feels good.

"I'm happy to see you both are back together." John smiles genuinely.

"Thanks John, I think we're definitely on our way to a better and stronger place." Ana says looking at me. Fuck, I love this woman. I pick up her hand and kiss it.

"So tell me, what brings you kids here on a Friday night?"

Ana looks to me to begin. Fuck... why can't she just talk... she's more articulate anyway. Fine, here goes nothing.

"Well, as you probably know by now, I expressed my desire to marry Ana, I asked her twice and at first she gave me a non-answer and the second time she said that when the time is right she would but that we had a lot to figure out before jumping in a serious commitment."

"Do you agree with her reasoning?"

Before I can answer Ana quickly interjects.

"I would just like to add he asked me twice in 36 hours... just to put that out there." She giggles.

"Still impatient, I see." John chuckles.

I roll my eyes and try to suppress a smile. "Anyway, as I was going to say... Ana brought up the fact that we need to work on our issues before locking ourselves in a serious commitment like marriage. That she wants children and didn't know if I wanted that... that we should continue with couples therapy so that we become better versions of ourselves with each other, together. I understand what she is saying and where she's coming from but... I also know that she is it for me, so I don't see the reason in waiting. When you know then... why wait?"

"Christian, do you want children?" John asks. Always going in for the kill.

I take a deep breath. Truth is I've never seen myself as a father. I never wanted to be in love, get married or have children... I was convinced that was not for me but with Ana, I want it all. If it's with her, then I want it all. I want to see our child growing inside of her. I want to hold our child and raise them with her because she would be the best mother in the world.

"John, I never thought I'd fall in love with someone or have a relationship, get married all that shit... but with Ana, I want that. I can see a future like that. If it's with her then I want all life has to offer and I want to pursue it." I say trying my best to not let emotion get the best of me,

"Ana, do you mind if I reference something from your session during the holidays?"

"No, please go ahead."

"You said that you wanted a husband and children... a stable family. Given what Christian has just said, can you elaborate on your thinking is about all this..."

"I do, definitely want marriage and children. To be honest, I didn't see myself even considering marriage before the age of 28 or after." She giggles.

"Oh hell fuck no... I am not waiting another 4 years. Too fucking long." I say in shock.

Ana and John both laugh.

"It's just that this relationship is a first for us both. He's never been in a conventional relationship where both partners are equal and emotionally invested in each other and I've never let anyone into my life... ever. I just recently realized how much I need to work on myself emotionally and... I'm part of a family and culture that is... well compared to how Christian was raised and exposed to... in a word... overwhelming." She takes a few moments. "Aside from my trauma, there are people in that family I want in my life and I want my life to grow with them in it. I want to expose my children to the same values, traditions and language... and it's complicated... I know." She looks to me. "Christian, there's still so much you don't know and I'm slowly telling you because it's all insanely layered and I can tell that with the little that you do know right now, you're frustrated by it.

For the longest time, even though I wanted marriage I also thought that it may not be in my future given everything I had been through and my aversion to opening up. I had resigned myself to considering a semi-arranged marriage and marrying a south Asian man. I was okay not marrying for love but for maybe for like and respect and that maybe I'd grow to love that person. I really love the culture and language and traditions and they give me a sense of belonging and I wanted to be a part of that because it feels natural to me, like it's embedded in my DNA. I know it sounds ridiculous if you haven't grown up with exposure to this but it feels very normal to me. I never thought I'd meet someone and fall in love, let alone someone like Christian and now I'm trying unlearn all these ideas that I had for myself. "

I slowly nod. "Ana, you deserve a whole lot more than just like and respect and settling. You're right, I don't understand a lot of it but I really want to. There are some really beautiful things you've shown me and I appreciate them because they've made you into the woman you are today. My only issues are with that fucker. Everything else, I know how much it all means to you and I would never want to take it away from you."

She nods. "I really appreciate you saying that."

She takes a moment. "I'm also not entirely sure if I can have children." Tears start to fall and her voice is strained. "I never confirmed it after my accident. I didn't want to add to the sadness of everything I was already experiencing... I still want to live with hope... but that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to adopt instead... I just, I don't know... I want to carry my own child and experience all that. I want to experience that profound bond of knowing I share blood with someone because I have longed for that. My own mother was such a shitty example of that."

"Christian, would you like to add to that?"

"Ana, whether we have our own children or not, you're right we can adopt... I want all these experiences only if you're by my side. I can't imagine a life like this with anyone else. With you it's all or nothing and yes, I know I have issues too and I am committed to working on them for as long as needed to make sure they don't impact our relationship negatively."

"Ana would you like to add anything?"

"I hear what you're saying and I love you for saying it. I'm not saying that I don't want to marry you, I'm just asking that we wait. There's still a lot that I need to work through... and I need time. We also have to deal with the media shit storm that will hit us once we announce because Christian they will come after me and it will fuck with my brain because they will be ruthless. I just... want time. Because dealing with all of that and my issues, I know it will be too much for me... there will be times I will want to be alone. I lost out on 3 years of my life, there's so much I wanted to do on my own, I was so determined in recovery to get out and become something and I haven't been able to do that... I guess I'm just scared, I'll get lost in your world you know. You have this big life and... well my life is small and simple and I want simple things and... I just want time. I will marry you but I just want some time..."

I get what she's saying. As much as I want to protect, I know there are dangers in my life too and there some things I won't be able to protect her from, namely the media fascination and it sickens me.

"I understand, Ana. I'll be with you every step with they way. I just want you to always talk to me and not shut me out. Those 6 weeks without you were fucking hell and I don't want to go through that again."

She looks down and nods.

"I guess then congratulations are in order, you're engaged?" John smiles and winks at us.

Ana giggle while wiping her tears. "Not so fast there, I don't see no ring on my finger." She holds her hands up and wiggles her fingers with all the sass in the world. "We're going to call this the pre-engagement period of our life or that we're half engaged."

I laugh and kiss her temple.

...

Once we're done with dinner and a bath, we lie in bed tangled in each other, kissing each other as we talk more.

"I heard this song today and it's in French I really liked it but didn't get a chance to look up the translation, can you tell me what it's about? It reminds me of springtime... the music is so gentle and sweet." She says.

"Sure baby, I'll give you an idea of what it's about."

She clicks play and with the first notes of the piano is sounds so unmistakably French as they seep through the bedroom sound system.

I look at Ana and I can she's sleepy but she's fighting it. I plant kisses on her lips and neck, anything to avoid the sadness in the song.

_La terre me chante fort pour savoir pourquoi _

_The earth sings loudly to me, to know why_

_Quand tu n'es pas ici_

_When you're not here_

_La terre me semle froide sans toi_

_The earth seems cold to me, without you_

_Impossible de voir savoir pourquoi quand tu n'es pas ici_

_Impossible to see, to know why, when you're not here_

_Impossible de voir sans toi_

_Impossible to see, without you._

The songs ends and she yawns. "What does it mean Mr. Grey?"

"Well, it's actually a sad song, Sans Toi means _without you. _The chorus especially talks about when you're not here the earth seems cold. It's impossible to see anything without you. That's the general idea."

"Oh... I didn't think it meant something so sad... but it sounds so beautiful."

"Yeah I guess, there is beauty in sadness. It reminds me of when I slept here without you all those night."

She looks down and I see tears fall from here eyes. "I hated sleeping without you too... but I was confused as well."

"Baby, I didn't say that to make you feel bad. I just meant... I love you and always want you with me. The voice notes you sent me of you singing, those would help sometimes to go to sleep but still, nothing beats have you here like this, in my arms. I crave you. I need you all the time. I can't describe it."

She leans in and kisses me deeply. "I'm addicted to you too."

* * *

_Saturday, February 8th, 2020._

**RPOV**

I miss my mom. Fucking Nor'easter bullshit. My entire family is stuck on the east coast cause of the storm so our guest list had dwindled down to just 20 people. Which is fine, as long as the main people I like are here, it'll be great. Most of the others are Gwen's friends from college and the art circle. I don't care all that much for them.

Gwen and I have only fought twice since this morning. Usually by 12pm we're on our way to a divorce but today we're doing... well. I can't wait till this baby is out of her body so she can go back to the way she was. I should call her doctor and ask if there's a Xanax for pregnant women cause she fucking needs it. At this point, I need a Xanax and some hard fucking liquor myself.

I asked Jose and Phillip to come by a littler earlier to discuss the game plan with them. I had them sign Grey's NDAs so we can plan in peace. I'd involve Gwen, I mean she has an idea of what we're doing but she's also got pregnancy brain, I am not taking any chances with that. She loves Ana like family...

I take Jose to my office to set our plan in motion.

"Okay, you're sure she's single and not dating anyone?"

"Oh yeah, so fucking single it hurts. It's an NDA situation with her."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, her family is private."

"OH! Yeah I know that. She's from the AHAK and KGI family."

"Okay so you know about the billions."

"Yeah, fuck that. What has she said about dating?" I need to know the gossip before I throw Grey into the abyss.

"Nothing, that it's complicated with the family in the mix and NDA and all that shit."

"Well, now that you've signed Grey's NDA I can safely tell you. He's into her. Like... really into her. I caught him checking out her ass during our lunch meetings... it was... well, it was pathetic. I've never seen him so taken with a woman."

"I KNEW IT. I FUCKING KNEW IT. ALSO, FUCK... he's not gay."

"Jose, FOCUS."

"I know, I know...I need a moment to mourn." Jose takes a deep breath. "Okay, I'm back. So yeah, I tried convincing our little Asexual Steele of the very same but dat bish be fightin me like we at best buy on black Friday."

"I don't blame her but Christian's a good guy. An asshole sometimes but a good guy when it comes down to it... besides he needs to get laid too, he's been getting on my fucking nerves. I'm already dealing with a pregnant woman..."

"I hear you. So what's the plan?

"We need to figure out a way where he asks her on a date and I have an idea but in the event it doesn't work... I need you to step in. I need you to work on her today."

"I can do that, I think. Also, if you plan doesn't work... we should plan a game of truth or dare after everyone leaves... I was already planning on it... but now... ooooh I have IDEAS my friend."

"Fine, if my plan fails... we're going with yours."

"I better get a fucking bonus of this shit if it all works out."

"I got you."

"The fact that us gays are getting the straights together... I mean can you believe?" Jose rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

"It's a fucking travesty if you ask me."

**APOV**

I walk into Ros and Gwen's apartment and it is decked out in... pink.

"WHERE ARE MY FAVORITE BABY MAMAS?" I yell as I walk into the apartment. I see Ros walk out smiling and gives me a hug. She's adorable and wearing a sash that says mom to be while Gwen wears a crown. I love it. She leads me into the kitchen where Gwen is sitting on one of the kitchen barstools while Jose and Phillip work to make the Sangrias and Val is setting up all the refreshments and decorations, I give her my two boxes of cookies to work with.

I place my gift on the table with the others and join them to make some last minute snacks.

Christian and I stagger our arrivals. He walks in 30 mins later and even though I saw him and had him this morning, I feel that ache in my nether regions again. Fuck, why does he have this effect on me. I need to remain calm and collected and the stone cold bitch that I can be.

"Pretty boy is here." Jose whispers to me.

"Have at it. Stare at him all you want." I say.

"More like he's staring at you. Look how he's undressing you."

Fuck... Chrisitian stop fucking looking at me. I keep my eyes fixed on Jose.

"Shut the fuck up. It's never going to happen." I say in a low voice with clenched teeth.

"You know, every man has the potential to be a convertible and I like convertibles... they're fast." He grins.

"You have a one-track mind and good luck trying to convert this one." I groan.

He shrugs as Christian makes his way to the kitchen and greets everyone. He encourages them to call him Christian and I can see Jose almost faint but he keeps his composure. I continue to cut the bananas and make the peanut butter bites with them, completely ignoring Christian. If I look at him, I'll jump him. MUST. REMAIN. CALM. AND. CARRY. ON.

As I work and fight with Jose which makes everyone laugh, we really do fight and bicker like an old couple.

"Can you fucking move a little?" Jose asks annoyed as he chops the apples.

"NO. You have the entire fucking island, let me work in peace you insufferable Diva." I bite back.

"me estas poniendo de los nervios" he huffs. My knowledge of Spanish is pretty elementary but I can speak enough to tell someone to fuck off, literally.

"No me importa." I yell back and I see Christian's amused expression in my periphery.

"I prefer my hags to not know Spanish so I can curse in peace."

"I prefer Queen's to shut the fuck up and look pretty which you failing at miserably today." This makes everyone laugh and Jose and I fall into a fit and hug each other. As I come down from my laughing fit, I catch Christian smiling at me. God... WHY? Stop, fucking looking at me. Ugh. This is why I prefer large parties, it's so easy to distract yourself and ignore people.

"Ana, can you join me and Christian in my office for a second?"

What the fuck? "Um, yeah sure. I'll be right there." I quickly put the banana and peanut butter bites in the freezer to cool down and clear up some of the melted chocolate.

**CPOV**

"We have got to stop meeting like this... it's like being summoned to the Principal's office." Ana says with her usual sass as she walks in licking chocolate off of her thumb. Baby, what I wouldn't do to lick chocolate off of you right now. Her tits look amazing in that dress... I need to focus.

Ros and I laugh.

"Am I the principal in this scenario, Miss Steele?"

"The fact that you have to ask... And please, call me Anastasia." She says deadpan. Oh... so we are playing. And Anastasia, not Ana. Interesting.

"I've never been called a principal." I muse.

"I'm sure you haven't been called many things, Mr. Grey. To your face at least." She says completely neutral. Holy fuck, I love this woman.

Ros loses her shit and I shake my head trying to suppress a laugh. She looks at Ros and shrugs with a sassy smile.

"A point well made, _Anastasia_." I say.

After Ros is done, cackling like a smug witch. We talk about having Ana attend the Gala with us.

"I'm sure you been to hundreds of these with your family." Ros says.

"Actually I haven't ever been to an event like that. AHAK doesn't participate in those kinds of things. My mother is head of philanthropy and while they donate to several charities around the world, my grandfather had no interest in attending events and making small talk. He donated then would show up to the organizations or their satellite locations unannounced to see what work they were doing, it was also a good way to avoid press. He was more interested in seeing how the money was being put to use and how it was affecting actual lives. Parties, booze and people dressed up... all illusions and my mother is the same. She'd rather spend time on the ground and volunteer than go to parties and I'd join her in those visits sometimes."

Fuck.

"I see. I can understand that. Does this mean you're declining?" Ros counters.

"No, I'm not saying no,... it's just that, I'm not sure I have anything to contribute..." She shrugs.

"Ana, it's honestly a piece of cake. You're the queen of small talk... Not sure if Gwen will attend but I'll be there with Jose and Christian so it won't be all that boring. We have a table and we'll be together and meet people as they come to talk to us."

She thinks for a moment and giggles. "I guess hearing Jose's fashion policing won't be so bad."

"Oh god, he'll fucking lose it. If there's anything that gets him riled up is seeing horrible fashion."

"I can already see it. 'Dios Mio... quick someone drape me in some Chanel." She mimics Jose in the most exaggerated manner as laughs and we all chuckle.

"Okay great, I have to go out there and see how everything is but Christian here can fill you in on details." Ros gives me a knowing look and quickly walks out.

Ana looks back at me raising an eyebrow. "A gala? Is this your version of asking me out on a date?"

"No. I had forgotten about this event but Ros said she wanted you there with us." I try to remain maintain a neutral expression. "And also, Anastasia? Why not, Ana?"

"Making the bet more interesting. Everyone knows I only let my friends calls me Ana. You're not my friend today, Mr. Grey." She sneers. "And you know what, I may be a cheap date but that doesn't mean I don't want to formally be asked out on one and you've never asked me out on a date."

"What about when we went to Eloise's. That was a date."

"Doesn't count... or maybe it does but for the purposes of this conversation... you never formally asked me. Eloise's was technically just a hangout. I'm talking dressing up for the sole purpose of having dinner and treating me like a Queen." She crosses her arms.

I can't help but smile. My girl wants to go on a date. Well Miss Steele, you have no idea what I've planned for Valentine's Day.

"Well _Anastasia,_ would you..."

"NOPE! I'm not making it that easy... I'm going to make you work for it!" She sasses. "Now I'm going out there to participate like the good friend I am. You wait a few minutes before following me out... and if Ros asks, we only spoke about the Gala. Comprende?"

I get up and walk up to her and she takes a few steps back but hits the wall. "Miss Steele, you're going to regret this." I say as I lean in... she smells so intoxicating.

"I highly doubt it, Mr. Grey." Her breathing has changed and I can tell she needs me. _I need you too, baby._ I lean in further while lifting her dress and find her thoroughly drenched panties. I insert two fingers in and she gasps, closing her eyes and biting her lip as I start to fingerfuck her. I smile and my lips graze her cheek down to her neck. I push back her hair and bite her hard behind her ear and she moans. "Christian... _please_." She's close but I immediately stop and let go. Fuck, now I'm hard as a rock.

"You may leave now." I stand up straight lick my fingers.

She takes a minute to recover and fixes her hair. She looks to me. "Fuck you, Grey. That was not fair."

"I did fuck you and you're right, I never play fair but then again, neither do you." I give her a panty dropping smile and raise my eyebrows.

"You better watch yourself, I'm going to wipe the floor with you today." She challenges, trying to stifle a grin.

"Oh, Miss Steele, let the games begin." I smirk.

...

Ros and Jose take turns hosting and it's hilarious because Jose is not a good host at all. He's mostly just freaking out. I see Ana thoroughly enjoy herself as she teams up with Jose for some of the games. They team up for a game called Blow and Pop Baby Race... I have no idea what these games achieve but I get to watch Ana be happy and laugh. Her and Jose team up and the premise is that it's sort of a relay race, where Ana runs across the room with other people competing, quickly blows up a balloon and sticks it under her dress and runs back to Jose who does the same then they have to figure out to pop the balloon which they eventually do and of course win. Seeing her walk around with the balloon under her dress gives me glimpse into what she would look like pregnant. She'd be absolutely beautiful. Fuck... now I want her to be pregnant... with our child. Walking around, happy and at peace. I want that for us.

I try to stay away from the game participation but Gwen eventually threatens me to join. We're at one of the tables doing an arts and crafts project by decorating baby onesies. Shit babies are really tiny. We have 10 minutes to do it and I realize I'm shit at this stuff. I see Ana, Jose and Val laughing and teasing each other. I'm sitting right in front of her and she ignores me... it annoys me how good she is at this. Once the timer is up we all stand in line and present our latest fashion collection for the baby. First up is Ana, we go in alphabetical order.

"For my onesie, I decide to impart some advice on Baby Bailey, for her to be a ball buster like her mama." She holds up her onesie and everyone claps as it reads 'BALL BUSTER" with flames around it. I have to laugh.

"May your child follow in the footsteps of her Brilliant uncle and be a future CEO." I hold up mine that has "Future CEO" written in simple script. Everyone claps and I take a bow, I see Ana smile at me. Finally.

"Way to make it about yourself, Grey." Ros laughs.

I walk around as the others present their runway worth collections. I walk up to the table where all of our baby pictures are posted. I immediately spot Ana's baby picture. She's smiling with her beautiful blue eyes. I'm filled with emotion at the thought of us having a daughter running around and talking up a storm like her mother and having us all wrapped around her finger. I want that. I want it all with Ana.

A little while later, Jose asks us all to take seats around the couch for a round.

"Okay guys, so this game, you're going to have 15 seconds to come up with an answer. We're going to start with my hag sitting over there looking smug as shit... Stand up Ana."

"WHY ME?" she yells back.

"Because we're going in alphabetical order and don't question the pecking order. This is my show."

We all laugh at their bickering; it's the highlight of the entire afternoon.

"This game is called, name that 'baby' song. You have to sing a song with the word baby in the title. It's fairly easy... Ana, your time starts now."

"What the fuck... I don't know. Shit... Um... Okay I got it." She takes a deep breath to try and stop giggling. "You all are going to kill me for this... but... " she starts to sing in an animated child like voice. "baby shark doodoodooo..." Everyone starts to groan and cover their ears.

"OH FUCK NOOOOO I AM TOO SOBER FOR THIS SHIT." Jose yells and leaps across to the room to run after Ana and she runs away and hides behind Gwen.

"Sorrryyyyy!" Ana laughs as she makes her way back to her seat.

"You mean to tell me you couldn't think of ANY OTHER song?" Ros groans in annoyance.

"Well, it was either that or Baby got back which I didn't think was entirely appropriate for this... gathering." She giggles and looks to Jose and as if they both are telepathically linked, start to say the following in their best Valley girl accents

"Oh my god, becky... look at her butt... it is so big" everyone joins in and we all laugh.

I'm next on the list for the game and I pass. They don't question me but Ros gives me the sideeye and they move on and some people really put in the work for a performance.

We all break every now and then to get drinks or eat refreshments when Ros comes up to me.

"So, did you ask her?"

"No... we just talked about the Gala."

"For fucks sake, Grey... are you for real?"

"Ros... she's an employee, the last thing I need is an HR complaint."

"Are you seriously trying to tell me you're that big of a pussy?"

"Fuck you, Ros."

"You know what, I'm bringing in the big guns. Just be ready to follow through."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Just follow my lead when the time is right."

God knows what she's up to but whatever.

When the last of the guests have left, it's just Ana, Jose, his husband Phillip, Val with Ros, Gwen and myself.

We all retreat to the main living area and take our seats on the couches. Ana sits with Gwen and I sit with Ros across from them.

"Alright, now that the basic bitches have left, let's play some real games." Jose declares.

"God save us all." Ana groans.

"More like God save you. You have no idea what I have in store for you."

"Whatever, hit me with your best shot Rodriguez."

"Oh honey, you best believe I will. We're playing truth or dare bitches. I have the tequila right here."

"Fuck you, Jose, I can't drink." Gwen whines.

"Don't worry Gwen, I don't drink either. I got you boo." She rests her head on Gwens shouler for moral support.

"I can't have sex either." Gwen whines again and we all laugh as does she.

"Okay boo, I can't help you there but I can definitely tell you that once the baby is born and all is settled you and Ros will be back in formation." Ana gives her a hug and we all laugh.

"I miss you honey." Gwen looks out to Ros.

"I miss you too." Ros says back.

"TOO MUCH FUCKING ESTROGEN HERE." Jose interjects. "Now focus, we're going to play. First up is Ana."

"What the fuck... why me again?"

"Because I am sick of you, that's why? So tell me truth or dare."

"Obviously truth, I can't trust you with a dare." She narrows her eyes at him,

"What was the freakiest thing you did in college?"

"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH." She roars at him trying to not laugh.

"TELL US THE TRUTH WE DESERVE TO KNOW." Jose yells back.

What the fuck? I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING. NOW.

She covers her face trying not to laugh.

"Ana, you have to tell us now." Ros urges her.

"I am not telling this story in front of my employers." Her face is red and she's so embarrassed and I want to just go and kiss the fuck out of her she looks so cute.

"You're off the clock. We're all friends here, nothing leaves this living room." Ros is dying for the scoop.

She removes her hands from her face again, all red and takes a deep breath.

"I kissed a girl in college."

Jose all but pretty much dies laughing. Ros and Gwen cheer as if they're about to have a threesome and Val laughs while I'm just... amazed and quite frankly a little jealous.

"WELL... DETAILS." Ros is almost jumping off of her seat.

Ana rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "Well, for starters, I wasn't this charming version of myself in college. I was always in the library and studying... I didn't care for parties..."

"Yeah yeah we get it, you didn't get any action." Jose sneers.

"VETE A LA MIERDA!" Ana yells and she sounds adorable. "My friend Kate finally broke me down and convinced me to start attending parties with her on campus... but that quickly became an occupational hazard because, I would effectively cock block her... to the point where she named me Steele contraception."

We all laugh out loud and she rolls her eyes again.

"I'm glad I can provide you all with entertainment... ANYWAY, so we started arriving separately and this would force me to obviously try and mingle which was horrible. One night, I show up to this party and I'm siting on the couch much like this little gathering here some people gather around and start to play spin the bottle and of course the bottle lands on me... and Jose will attest to this... I never run away from a challenge. It's a problem... so this guy sitting across from me is like... I want you to kiss me and I'm like... fuck no... so I quickly look around the room and clock Kate and basically offer the alternative to kiss a girl. And they all cheer because men are fucking pigs... present company excluded... and so yeah, I walked up to Kate acting like I didn't know her, and I knew she was still fairly sober because she a tell and... anyway, so I knew her mouth hadn't been anywhere questionable... so I went up to her and was like... you gotta help me out, you can let me kiss you or I'll have to kiss that asshole over there and I need you to save me. So I kissed her and everyone cheered. The end." She shrugs rolling her eyes.

"WELL, HOW WAS IT?" Gwen asks with almost too much enthusiasm?

"It was a kiss. It was better to kiss my bestfriend than someone who probably never showered a day in his life."

"Cherry chaptsick?" Ros asks wigging her eyebrows

"IT WAS A KISS ROS." Ana chides and laughs... "but I'm going to ignore the double entendre and say there was a hint of cinnamon."

We all laugh again. Oh Miss Steele, you are such a wonder.

"But seriously, tell me, tongue or no tongue, did you like it?" Gwen is almost dying now.

"You guys are such perverts. Yes and it was okay. CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON NOW? And for the record, Jose... I know where you sleep and I will murder you one day."

Poor baby is embarrassed.

"Bitch, I'd like to see you try."

"Don't test me." She says with the death stare.

"OKAY MY TURN." Ros announces. I take a sip of my drink and Ros turns to me. "Christian, you're second in alphabetical order today. Truth or dare, though since I'm the guest of honor, I'm going to dare you and not give you an option."

I roll my eyes. I know where she's going with this. Fuck me. Here goes nothing. "Fine, what's the dare?"

"I want you to ask Ana out on a date."

Ana's face whips in my direction and her eyes go wide. She did not expect this and this will be so much fun.

"Anastasia, would you like to go out on date with me? I ask as smoothly as I can.

Her eyes grow a fraction wider, she looks at me, then Ros, then Jose and then to Gwen but quickly recovers.

"Give me one good reason why I should say yes?" She fires back.

All I hear is gasps in the room.

"BITCH, I'll give you 15 reasons why." Jose voice is almost a sob.

"Listen to me kiss-ass Rodriguez, you're off the clock. Besides a billionaire shouldn't have to employ the help of his lawyer to score a date." She deadpans.

"Actually, Mr. Rodriguez..." I begin

"Please, call me Jose."

"Jose, any assistance from you would be greatly appreciated, perhaps even a bonus to sweeten the deal."

"Of course, I'm only here to help." Jose replies humbly.

"If you know what's good for you, you'll stay out of it, Jose. Besides, this counts as two HR violations within the span of 3 minutes." Ana warns. Everyone is looking at us like we're about to explode.

"You know what Mr. Grey, if you're so keen on having me go out on a date with you then you should have no problem coming up with a good reason why I should accept." She looks at me with a fire in her eyes.

"Well, I find you intriguing and I want to get to know better." I say.

"Not good enough."

"Miss Steele, I always win."

"Not good enough. Three strikes and you're out Mr. Grey." She raises an eyebrow and her face is impassive.

I look to Ros and she looks like she's about to shit a brick but also is thoroughly amused.

Time to play dirty. Ana my love, you asked for this.

"Well Miss Steele, given that we've been together since Thanksgiving, I think it's about time we went on a date. I was thinking Valentine's Day, I know for a fact that you're free that day."

She breaks into a smile and mouths 'fuck you.'

The whole room is silent and Ros looks at me like I've grown two heads. Jose shrieks and mock faints.

"YOU FUCKING BITCHES." Ros yells.

"Honey, I think we broke them" Ana looks at me and laughs out loud.

"IS THIS WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN KEEPING FROM ME?" Jose sits up is on the verge of crying.

"Well, it wasn't exactly my secret to tell, but now that you've signed his NDA... welcome to the club?" Ana shrugs.

"You guys are lying. This is to get back at me isn't it?" Ros is utter disbelief. "You hate his guts Ana."

"Correction, I hated them. I was actually really mad at him when you first introduced us and I only recently... decided to be not mad at him anymore." She shrugs.

"Wait, how did you guys even get together?" Ros asks.

Ana gets up and pulls her phone and comes and sits in my lap, I love this woman. She rests one hand at the back of my neck and runs her hand in my hair. It feels like home. "Well, we met at my cousin's wedding. She married Daniel Wetherington and Chrisitan here is old family friends with them." She shows her some wedding pictures and Ros smiles.

"THIS WAS THE TRIP YOU WENT ON?" All the dots are now connecting in Ros's head.

"But you never liked him." Jose asks.

"I just never wanted to talk about him but when I met him at the wedding, I didn't know he was going to be there and you all must know that he pursued me. I ignored him completely." She says with a smug face and we all laugh.

"That's my girl, make him work for it." Val smiles and air high fives Ana.

"MY WATER BROKE." Gwen yells and we all stand up in a panic. "Just kidding... making sure you all remembered that this day is after all... ABOUT ME." Gwen laughs. Ana gives me a small kiss and gets up to go sit next to Gwen again. They all look at me like I'm an alien.

"I get it, you all didn't think I was human... well I am and I somehow convinced her to go out with me and she agreed." I say and they all laugh.

"Good job, boss. Just don't fuck it up." Ros looks at me with warmth.

"I'm trying Ros." I smirk.

"Guys, please don't be mad at us. I'm just a really paranoid and private person... but I can honestly say I'm so relieved you all know because... I really want us to hang out together in the future. You're my favorite people at GEH" Ana says to everyone in the room. "By the way, I have a funny video to show you all."

Ana looks at me and laughs. "I'm going to show them our negotiation at the wedding."

I take a sip of my drink. "Not my finest hour." I laugh and we all gather around Ana and Gwen. She first explains the premise of the negotiation and then clicks play. When the video is done they all lose it and high five Ana.

"Yeah, Boss you should step down now. Ana's got it covered." Ros laughs.

We all talk and get to know each other better. Jose and Philip are actually quite funny and having Ana sit next to me with her hand in mine. My life is suddenly so different. I never went to gatherings like this and if for some reason I found myself at a dinner, I'd be itching to get away because... it felt like a waste of time but now, here with Ana, even if I don't say anything, having her close to me, I feel at ease. _I want to be here. I want this life._

I see everyone busy in chatter when I lean into Ana's ear and whisper as she checks her phone.

"Baby..."

"Yes, Mr. Grey" she looks to me with love in her eyes and smiling. I've missed that.

"Let's go home?"

She gives me a small kiss. "Sure, let's go. I know you're not used to this so you maybe a bit tired."

"It's not that, I just want to be alone with you. I'm done sharing you for the day."

"You sap, okay... let's go." She kisses the corner of my mouth.

We say our goodbyes to everyone and Ana gives big hugs and tells them that she'll invite them over for brunch one weekend. My girl, always playing hostess.

**APOV**

We get into the car to make our way back to Escala. I see Christian has the SUV privacy window up.

I look out the window trying to remain cool and collected. He's holding my hand and running his thumb across my knuckles. I know if I look at him it's game over for me. I've been craving him all day. All that banter at Ros's has got me hot and bothered. I half wanted to take him to the bathroom and fuck him. I guess I could've given how everyone knows now but still. I mean all the guy is wearing is a dark grey polo sweater with jeans and leather slip ons with coat that he refuses to wear but that hair, God, I wish he'd fuck me in the car already.

"Miss Steele?" He calls out to me softly.

"Hmm?" I say, don't look at him, just don't Ana.

"I think we should play a little when we get back to Escala." He says seductively. I feel my insides do somersaults. I look back at him while biting my lip because I can't help it.

"Is that so? What did you have in mind Mr. Grey?" I ask ever so innocently.

He leans into me whispering "I'm going to fuck you so hard you'll forget your name."

I close my eyes and legs trying my best not to react. I take in deep breath.

I look back, our lips are barely touching each other and his eyes are dark with desire, I can feel the heat and it's driving me wild.

"I'd really like that Mr. Grey." I say licking his lips. He closes his eyes and groans a little. I too have an effect on him. He reaches down to my ankles and runs his hands up my leg and travels up my thighs to my panties.

"Have you been wet for me all day?"

"Yes." I say almost moaning.

He sinks in two fingers again and it's torture but it feels so good. I lean my head back and try to control my breathing.

"Whatever you do... do not come." He reaches across and whispers in my left ear effectively cocooning me. The heat from his skin and his scent are driving me crazy.

"Christian, please... I can't..."I don't think I can hold on and just as I'm to let go, he stops again. FUCK. ASSHOLE. I take a deep breath and try to come down from this high that I wasn't able to full climb."You're not playing fair..." I narrow my eyes at him. I'm pissed now.

He kisses me deeply, his hand holding my neck. Fuck, that feels so good, how he's possessing me.

"I promise you, it'll be worth it. In addition to forgetting your name, you'll come so hard and scream so fucking loud after I'm done with you that you'll still beg me for more."

I roll my eyes. "You talk a big game, Mr. Grey."

"Oh baby, don't push it." He gives me a sly smile and I have to smile back giving him a small kiss.

* * *

**Authors Note: **I think I need to take a break. I have the ending of the story written and some other future chapters written but I need some fillers... I have some ideas for topics I want to address and I will. I just a little out of inspiration. I'm honestly suprised I made it to 34 chapters. I thought i'd be done in 15 but ideas kept coming to me. I hope you all are well and to all the essential employees who are still going to work, thank you for your service. If there are any readers in the healthcare profession... KUDOS to you guys. you're amazing.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out board for chapter 31-32-33-34 :)

**Music: **

Sans Toi - Sarah Natasha Warne.

Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-a-lot.


	35. Chapter 35

Truth is, I hate leaving you guys too. I decided to split the two fully written chapters in four chapters instead, giving them space to breathe.

I'll be honest, i'm not so sure abou tthis chapter. I knew what I wanted to touch on emotionally but still... anyway, you guys will tell me your thoughts and I can't wait to hear them.

* * *

_**Chapter 35 – high on intimacy**_

_Saturday, February 8th, 2020_

**APOV**

"_I promise you, it'll be worth it. In addition to forgetting your name, you'll come so hard and scream so fucking loud after I'm done with you that you'll still beg me for more."_

_I roll my eyes. "You talk a big game, Mr. Grey."_

"_Oh baby, don't push it." He gives me a sly smile and I have to smile back giving him a small kiss._

It's only a 15 minute drive back to Escala but it feels like forever. We make our way to the private penthouse elevator and get in. He immediately turns to me and pins me to the elevator and holds my arms up to the wall making me gasp as I look into his eyes. He presses his entire to body me and it lights me on fire.

"You looked so hot today. It took every ounce of my control not to drag you back here and fuck you." His voice is hoarse.

I raise my face a little and bite his lower lip. He closes his eyes leaning in further and catches my top lip within his teeth. It makes me giggle and he smiles. The elevator doors open and he takes my hand leads me out and to the bedroom.

Once we're in the bedroom, he closes the door and walks back to me.

"Now Miss Steele, you've agreed to play... which means they'll be some rules." He looks into my eyes. "Do you trust me baby?" He asks softly.

I nod.

"Whenever we play, you can use safe words to tell me to stop. Because you can use the word stop and not really mean it. When you say the word Yellow, I'll know you're close to your limit and when you say Red i'll stop whatever i'm doing and just make love to you or give you space." He says as he holds my face, tracing shapes on my cheek with his thumbs.

I nod again. Feelings nerves and excitement run through me.

"What's are the safe words baby?"

"Yellow and Red" my voice is barely a whisper.

He gives me a small kiss. "Wait here."

I start to slightly feel overwhelmed. My brain is betraying me. When he comes back out he's shirtless, barefoot with jeans hanging low and the button undone. _Just take them off already._ Fuck, he looks like god. His body is literally photoshopped. It's just not real.

He has a red silk blindfold and leather cuffs and something else, I can't tell. IS THAT A VIBRATOR? OH fuckkk. I have one but I never used it, I don't think I even took it out of the packaging when Kate bought me one. Suddenly her words come to mind and I try to suppress a giggle.

"_Steele, if you're not going to have sex with a man, then at least have it with yourself. Don't deny yourself girl. SELF LOVE IS TRUE LOVE."_

I'm quickly brought back to earth when I see him walk slowly towards me. Like a hunter zeroing in on his prey. I swallow and my eyes are wide open. I can do this, I can do this. It'll be fine. I trust him, this will be fun. He loves me. Cynthia said BDSM is more fun when it's with someone you love. I must trust in that.

He puts the stuff on the bed and proceeds to unzip me out of my dress slowly and gently. Planting kisses on me every so often. He puts me at ease with each kiss.

I'm now standing in my, what I'm pretty sure is, really expensive and new lingerie. A nude lace strapless bra with matching panties courtesy of Caroline Acton. He asks me to remain in my heels, they're yellow and remind me of sunshine... also a result of my little shopping spree from Thursday.

"You look amazing baby." He looks me up and down and takes hands kisses it. He goes to pick up the cuffs and blindfold from the bed.

He signals me to hold my hands out. I reluctantly do it. He senses my hesitation. "Baby, look at me." I look up and I can feel tears about to form. "What's wrong baby?" His face softens.

I shake my head trying to smile. "Just a little nervous."

He leans in and kisses me. "Baby, I promise I'll never hurt you when we play but you have to be very transparent with me. Say the safe word whenever you feel uncomfortable." I nod. "Remember that night when you had your period and I made you hold the headboard, then before I left for Tokyo and then last weekend when I spanked you?" I smile and nod. "This will just be a progression of that. I want to show you all the amazing things you can feel, I want to make you feel things you never knew were possible. I want you mine in every way." He says as his lip grazes mine. I nod and smile at him. He gives me a searing kiss and I almost lose my footing. "I love you baby, we're just going to have some fun." I nod. I'm unable to speak. My body is humming with anticipation.

He finishes putting the leather cuffs on locks them in together so that they are joined, just like handcuffs. Holy fuck this getting real. He goes to stand behind me and puts the blindfold over my eyes. This is it. I can feel my breathing quicken a little. He pulls me back to him and kisses my neck. "Baby you look so exquisite right now, I can't wait to hear you scream my name." He continues as he plants, long and wet luxurious kisses on my neck, down to my shoulder while lightly running his fingers up my sides. I can't help but moan. He stops and walks away.

"Miss Steele, you like to have your way me with out there and I'm going to have my way with you in here." I feel my cheeks flame up and my panties get drenched. He comes closer but doesn't touch me. I can barely feel the fabric of his jeans. "Now baby, you're not going to be allowed to touch me. Hands will always be stretched out above your head. Do you understand?"

I raise my arms. "Yes sir."

He leans into my ear "Good girl."

"The only sounds I want to hear from your mouth are of you singing. As soon as you stop singing or if you touch me, I'll stop. Understood?" His breathing is ragged too.

"Yes."

"Yes what?" He raises his voice slightly.

I have to smile. "Yes sir."

"One more thing and this is the most important thing, you are not allowed to come. Not until I say you can. If you come without permission I will spank that sweet ass. Think of it as a challenge and I know how much you love a challenge." I can sense the smile on his lips as he says this.

What the fuck... he's been denying me since 1pm today. Fuck, I need to come already. I'm dying.

"Do you understand?" I hear the aggression in his voice at my taking too long to answer.

"Yes sir." No sir, I am lying, I am a novice at this, I will fail... but it is a challenge and I never back down from one. _Treat this as a game, Ana. You can win_. Bring it on, Grey.

He pushes me to the wall roughly, I try to find some respite but placing my palms flat on the wall above me to help my arms last. He takes a moment and suddenly I hear music seep in through the bedroom sound system, it's low but still enough. It feels so full and I realize what song it is. It's one of my favorites. I start to sing along.

**CPOV:**

_Tell me something I need to know_  
_Then take my breath and never let it go_  
_If you just let me invade your space_  
_I'll take the pleasure, take it with the pain_

Ana starts to softly sing along and sways as she does it. I want to stop her from moving but it's who she is and she looks so fucking hot this way.

I kiss her neck and make my way down, unhooking her bra and kissing and sucking her breasts. I lick and bite them, she loses her breath, writhing a little, still singing as best as she can. I slowly make my down her torso and land on my knees as she gets closer to the first chorus.

Before the beat drops, I rip her panties and attack her clit with my mouth. It makes her jerk and gasp but she continues to sing and move a little to the beat.

_Cause if you really need me, you gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, got to love me harder_  
_And if you really need me, __you gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, got to love me harder_

I move my way up, singing softly against her skin and she moans and her bucks off the wall.

I know your motives and you know mine

The ones that love me, I tend to leave behind

If you know about me and choose to stay

Then take this pleasure and take away the pain

I stand up to kiss her and lift with her legs around my waist and walk towards the bed and throw her on it. She squeals and giggles keeping her hands above her head.

_I know your motives and you know mine_  
_The ones that love me, I tend to leave behind_  
_If you know about me and choose to stay_  
_Then take this pleasure and take it with the pain_

I take off my jeans and lie on top of her, letting my cock grind on her clit as I kiss her and run my hands over her. She arches and continues to sing and I hum and I lick and kiss her skin. She's so fucking perfect. She takes instruction so well. I want this to be an intensely pleasurable experience for her, sure the orgasm denial may seem cruel at first but I'd never deny her completely, I will let come tonight, I enjoy watching her come too much not to. I just want to give her an intense experience. I want to own every facet of her pleasure.

As the music slows down, I flip her on her stomach and pull her hips up with her palms on the bed. I then pull her hair back so she's straddling me as I sing into her ear

_So what do I do if I can't figure it out (figure it out)?_  
_You got to try, try, try again, yeah_  
_So what do I do if I can't figure it out (figure it out)?_  
_I'm gonna leave, leave, leave again_

As the music speeds up again, I push her down to her forearms again and fuck her from behind with a punishing rhythm. She continues to sing and moan with every thrust. It's perfection.

_And if you really need me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder_

_(Love me, love me, baby)_

I flip her again and lie top of her and unhook her cuffs. And slam into her. She half screams in delight. I lean into her "touch me baby." Her hands immediately find my face and she pulls me down to kiss her as she moans and continues to sing and hum the song. I continue to slam into her, I can feel she's getting close but I can also see it. She has the sexiest telltale before she comes but she won't be able to follow through this time.

_And if you really need me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder_

_(Imma love you harder)_

I pull out of her and hold her arms out and watch her try to fight the high. I kiss her as she does. I'm not going to make this easy on her.

_(Just a little bit harder, harder, a little bit)_

_Harder, harder, harder_

The songs ends and soon there's nothing but the sounds our breathing filling up the room. She's aching to let go but she's holding.

"Good girl. I'm still not done with you." I say and I hear her whimper. Her cheeks are flushed.

I lift her and lay her head close to the headboard. She's drenched and tense...

"Hold on to the headboard and open your legs wide but keep your knees bent." She follows through immediately. She's a sight to behold like this. All for me. Mine, only mine. "Baby, you look to die for right now." I might be denying her a release but I'm right there with her too. My cock is too fucking hard and at this point it's a battle of wills to see who will break but I want the intensity of this release with her. "For this next part, I want you to just feel. Just focus on feeling good but remember that you _cannot_ come or make a sound. I want you to remain still as you absorb the sensations. You have to learn to fight it Ana because when I finally let you come, I promise, it will be worth it."

"Yes sir." She can barely speak, she's aching with need. I lean down and kiss her hard and she desperately fights the urge to moan. All in good time baby.

I click play for the next song. I found this in her main playlist and I loved it. I immediately knew I wanted to use it to scene with her but wasn't entirely sure how. Without the playroom I'm having to improvise but there is an indescrible thrill in this too, to experience this level of trust and love with her in my bedroom, where we fuck and make love. A place that is only ours.

I get the massaging oil and pour droplets in time...

**APOV**

I feel like I will explode. Another song starts... I know this one. I absolutely the original, it was dark and sensual but this remix just elevates it. I feel that darkness swirl in me, the craving and aching need for him to be inside of me. To completely let go and forget everything but he won't give that to me. I cannot let him win. This is a game that I will win... I want to be good at this for him, for myself, for us.

As the song progresses, I feel his hands on me, massaging me with the music. It feels like heaven. I could fall asleep, I feel relaxed but I suddenly hear and feel a buzzing sound. Fuck the vibrator, I forgot about that fucker.

_High on intmacy_  
_High on intimacy_

I feel it on my sternum making it's way down to my breasts, I try not to move or moan but fuck it's hard. I try my best to control my breathing and keep still. _Focus, Ana, focus._ It moves down my torso, over my belly button and he rests it on my clit. As his hands travel up and knead my breasts. FUCK. Don't move. I need to think of something else. My mind drifts to a memory of lying on my back in the pool during recovery. Looking through the skylight at the open blue sky. I'm safe.

_My name on your lips_  
_Your air in my lungs_  
_Drowned in oxygen_  
_Now you've set the scene_

_High on intimacy_

I try my best to hold on but it's hard. The stimulation is too much, I gasp and I feel tears start to fall from my eyes. Don't make a sound Ana. Do not make a sound. Do not let go. Suddenly it stops. I feel his hands on my ass, lifting me slightly. Oh fuck, I can't hold on, my arms are tired and I feel like my hands are bleeding from holding on too hard. I'm starting to feel numb... like I'm not here as I vaguely feel him push into me in time with the beat. This feels good but the feeling is fading... I'm floating...

_High on intmacy_  
_High on intimacy_

"Open your eyes Ana." I hear him call out to me but his voice echoes. I slowly open my eyes and I can barely see him through the tears. Where's the blindfold?. He moves in and out of me and wipes my face and his eyes come into view. The greyest storm, I know that look, I remember it... that intensity... I feel like I'm drifting away, barely breathing... I see flashes of myself running after a little boy who suddenly stops and raises his arms, the bluest of blue eyes and the unruliest of copper curls. I feel him kiss my neck from behind and caress my growing belly with his strong hands...

"Look at me Ana." He brings me to the here and now. "Look at me baby...I love you." He's still at it but I'm unable to register the feeling. He brings my arms down and leans in for a kiss and I slowly feel myself come back. It's an all consuming kiss, my favorite kind...

"Let go, baby." He starts to fuck me now as hard as he can and I slowly start to climb. I feel him graze his teeth along my jawline as he grunts "Give it to me baby. Come for me Ana... "

I don't care anymore, I lock my legs over him and cling to him like my life depends on it, I can't keep track of anything else. My eyes fill with tears and I let go, I don't even recognize the sounds that comes out of my mouth or the words I say, I'm completely lost and gone...

**CPOV**

I look into her eyes and they're glassy and her pupils are dilated, she's not really here. "Look at me baby...I love you." She stares right through me, her breathing is shallow... baby's first subspace. Her eyes are the darkest blue, sparkling sapphires... it's never been like this. I've never felt this deeply connected during a scene, I was never taught that. Getting lost in her eyes... I slam into her as hard as I can. I desperately need her to come so I can too. I kiss her and urge her to let go. I know she can do this.

I feel myself get close and she's almost there too, I rub her clit just to make sure and within seconds she screams her release and it's beautiful... tears fall from her eyes and the emotion is too much for me to see and handle. I kiss her mid orgasm and feel myself shake and tremble with her. Fuck... this is fucking intense and it keeps getting better and better.

I fall on top of her, panting, struggling to catch my breath and I can feel and hear her heart beat a million beats per minute. I'm still inside her, I don't want to leave but I'll probably suffocate her if I don't move... I pull out of her and kiss her, wiping her eyes.

"Breathe baby, you did so well. I'm so proud of you." I kiss her forehead, her eyes and her lips and she mewls some form of a response. _She's thoroughly fucked, just how I like her._

After a few minutes of kneading life back in to her arms and kissing her I try to get her attention. "Ma'am, can you tell me your name?"

She giggles and lazily shakes her head. _There's my girl_. I kiss her long and deep as she lets out soft moans. I break the kiss and move to my side and prop my elbow up. Looking at her as she slowly looks up to me, a shy smile on her face, eyes barely open.

"How was that baby?" I give her a small kiss on the corner of her mouth.

"I want more." She says with dreamy eyes. Fuck, she continues to surprise me and I fall even more and more in love.

"Demanding little thing aren't you?" I chuckle.

She shrugs and giggles. "How about I give you a bath and then we eat some food and gain back some of our strength before we play a little more?"

She slowly nods. I take off the cuffs and massage her wrists while kissing them. She moves to take off her heels and I hear them drop on the floor.

"You're so gentle with me Mr. Grey." She muses.

"As much as I love to play with you, I always feel this overwhelming need to shower you with love right after. You've changed me Ana. I crave being close to you and worshipping you." I say as I kiss her neck.

"Hmm I crave you too but right now Mr. Grey, I crave some actual food." She giggles. We get up and Ana struggles a bit, I have to laugh and she sticks her tongue out at me. I help her up and carry her to the bath.

Once we're done with a warm and relaxing bath, we move to get dressed and get something to eat.

"Didn't Caroline give you any nightwear?" I ask.

"She did but I like wearing your shirts. They smell of you, makes me feel close to you." She smiles. I kiss her forehead and we gather our phones and head out to the kitchen. We both look around the fridge like heathens, laughing and taking out way more food than we need. We sample everything, sitting on the counter, indian style like a bunch of teenagers raiding the kitchen.

"God bless Mrs. Jones, I'd totally marry her if I played for the other team." She says with her mouthful of mac and cheese, she's like a small child. It makes me laugh.

"Well get in line cause Taylor is at the front of it and that's a battle you're definitely gonna lose." I tease.

"Taylor and Mrs Jones? Oh my Goddd that is so cute. I can't wait for them to get married now." She puts her hands to her face and beams.

"From what I can remember of your little confession at Ros' today, you in fact did play for the other team for like 5 mins." I laugh.

She covers her face and laughs "but it was a dare and better to do it with Kate than anyone else. Besides you're a way better kisser, you have nothing to worry about." She giggles.

"Technically, you have no experience since I'm the only man you've ever kissed." I say as I jump off the counter and stand between her, leaning in.

"Even better, I'm completely yours this way." She snakes her arms around my neck and legs around my waist giving me a long and deep kiss.

"You think we'll always feel like this about each other and be this in love?"

"Yes."

"What a definitive answer Mr. Grey. Pray, tell how are you so sure?" She arches her brow and cocks her head to one side.

"Well, before I ever believed in the idea of romantic love for myself I honestly thought it was a pack of shit. But after we met, I started to notice interactions between couples, not that I didn't before, it's just that I'd roll my eyes at it and think it was annoying. But I see how Dad is obsessed with mom. He grabs her ass every now and then, hugs her and holds her hand; it's so natural to them to show affection. I see how Gwen will fix Ros' hair. And then when we first met, you showed me so much love in the smallest of interactions, when you held my hand or my face. It changed me. I could never tire of it or take it for granted."

She smiles and kisses the corner of my mouth. "You think Grace and Carrick still do it?" She throws her head back laughing. "That's an image I don't want in my mind. Thank you very much." I chuckle.

"You just have so much love in you, it seems to good to be true. You'd be an exceptional mother." I tell her as I hold her face. "You'd be an exceptional father." She smiles back.

I look down. "I'm not sure about that."

"Why do you think that? Look at what you've achieved, you're brilliant, all the good you've done and how you care about the people you love. You're an exceptional man Mr. Grey." She runs her hand through my hair and kisses my cheek.

"I've done a lot of stupid shit Ana, I have..." my voice cracks.

"Look at me Christian." She orders me and I look up slowly.

"There is something that Nani once told me, she said that the first step in loving your children is to love their mother. In loving their mother you teach them important life lessons; like, you show your son how to respect women and love women and you show your daughter that she is worthy of respect and love and what to look for in a man. And in the Quran it says when a woman becomes a mother, you find heaven beneath her feet. So Mr. Grey, if you love the mother of your children, you'll be alright." She winks and smiles at me.

I kiss her. She always knows what to say and floor me in the process.

"Besides, you think I'd let you be anything less than exceptional? I'd beat you into parental submission, Grey." She giggles.

"Oh I have no doubt, Miss Steele." I kiss her nose.

"Can we move this conversation to the couch? My butt hurts a little." She asks and laughs. I carry her and she squeals.

We sit on the couch all tangled, looking into each other's eyes and kissing each other. She plays her night vibes playlist on the sound system and it's relaxing.

"How many children do you want to have?"

She looks down and her voice cracks. "I know Kate gave you a copy of my medical file so if you know the answer about my ability to have kids, no matter what is, don't tell me. I don't want to know until the time is right. I still want to live with hope."

"I haven't read your entire file, I couldn't get past read about your initial injuries. It was so heartbreaking." I look down and pick up her hand to kiss it.

"I'm okay now, Christian." She traces her fingers on my lips and I look up at her. She picks up her phone and shows me a picture. It's of Carla and her from when she was little.

"That's Carla. I realized I never showed you her picture." She really is a beautiful woman and Ana is the spitting image of her, except she has blue eyes and there's an innocence to Ana. Something that Carla lacks.

"She's beautiful, you look like her but there's so much more in your beauty." I say.

"I guess, a beautiful woman with an incredibly small heart." She says with sadness as she traces her finger over the picture. She puts her phone on the coffee table.

"If I couldn't have my own children, I'd adopt. I originally wanted 4 children, I just want my house to be filled with laughter and love but I think 3 is more than enough, plus kids are expensive and college tuition is like sky rocketing by the year and also global warming... in which case 2 should be fine." She starts to laugh.

"That's a lot of diaper changing Miss Steele." I laugh.

"Yeah but babies smell so good, and when they're tiny, they just have so much power, they make you love them, you're completely under their spell and they need you. Especially when they smile at you and hold their arms up begging for you to pick them up. It breaks and lifts your heart up all at the same time. I can't wait for Gwen to give birth and meet their baby girl. I might eat her up. They're also so yummy with their cheeks and God... when Aria 6 months old, it took everything in me not to bite her cheeks off. So fucking cute." She says with aggression and wonder. It makes me laugh.

I grab her face and kiss her. "I can't wait till we're together forever, crying babies in tow." She giggles and kisses me again.

Her phone beeps and picks it up from the coffee table in front of us. It's a picture from her Nani, of some shoes and some Arabic script in a text message. Ana starts to reply in the same script and sends a message.

"You can read and write Arabic?" I ask.

"Nope, that was Urdu, it looks like Arabic but we have more letters than Arabic."

"I thought you spoke and wrote Hindi only."

She laughs a little. "Okay, so I technically speak Urdu, because that's what Nani, Nita and Alia Khala speak, since their families spoke both Kashmiri and Urdu and in general it's more literary. Nana and Nani spoke Kashmiri amongst themselves or other people from Kashmir who were a part of their generation and for some reason that language was never passed down to any of us. Kiran and Vishaal and most of my indian cousins speak Hindi since they were essentially raised with hindi speaking relatives in India. The difference between Urdu and Hindi is the same as UK English versus US English. Majority of south Asian poetry is in Urdu, which I can read and write. I'm fluent in speaking Hindi but my reading and writing still needs practice. Urdu has a lot of Arabic and Farsi words so I say words like "Dunya which is Arabic for..."

"World." I say.

She beams at me "Yeah, how did you know?"

"I learned a little bit of Arabic when we were trying to land a deal in Abu Dhabi 3 years ago." I smile.

"That's so awesome, Christian. What other languages can you speak?"

"French I speak fluently as you know, I'm okay at Spanish, a little bit of Arabic, Cantonese, a little bit of Mandarin and Japanese, basically wherever we have major GEH holdings."

"Show off!" she laughs, "No seriously, that is so awesome. I wish I knew how to speak them as well."

"You speak and sing Urdu so beautifully, it's one of my many favorite things about you." I tell her.

"Well now you're on your way to have holdings in India, I can teach you Urdu and Hindi." She smiles.

"Or you can just be by my side." I kiss her hand. She gives me a shy smile.

Her phone pings again and it's Nani sending another message in Urdu. She decides to send a voice message, laughing and giggling and she says my name at some point too.

"What did you tell her? I ask amused. She's still giggling.

"Oh, I was just telling her that she needs to chill on the shopping for me, and she asked about you in her text so I was telling her that I'm with you right now and she interrupting me getting to know you more." She giggles.

I kiss her hard, and she drops her phone and she moves to climb on top of me and straddles me and pulls her face to me, kissing me urgently. I love it when she does this. Like she desperately needs me, just like I need her. She suddenly stops.

"Wait, this song is whack. It's killing the vibe." She laughs and picks up her phone as I chuckle and kiss her neck, she can't help but moan and she chooses another song and throws her phone back down and resumes kissing me. Hands all over each other, grinding to the music. She moans softly, humming and singing along to the song and sometimes dancing. It's so hot. She's all mine.

_Do you feel me here  
Giving you love  
Do you see me here  
Opening up_

_No one's ever gotten to this point  
Where we go from here is all your choice_

_Don't let me down  
I told you things about me  
Don't let me down  
I let you put your arms around me  
'Cause love is a waste of time if you and I don't do this right  
Don't let me down  
And I'll keep you around_

_Can I trust in you  
If I give you myself  
You're the first to know  
And I've had much to tell_

_No one's ever gotten to this point (No one's ever gotten, no one's ever gotten)  
Where we go from here is all your choice_

_Don't let me down (don't let me down)  
I told you things about me  
Don't let me down (don't let me down)  
I let you put your arms around me  
'Cause love is a waste of time if you and I don't do this right  
Don't let me down (don't let me down)  
And I'll keep you around (hey, yeah yeah)_

The song ends and I look at her. "That song describes us perfectly I think. You should add it to our playlist."

"I agree. I rediscovered it recently, when we were on break and it made a lot of sense. You're the first man I've let into my life so intimately and I'm the first woman you've opened up to emotionally... plus the song is kinda hot." She laughs out loud and I have to agree and laugh as well. "You know, we've never just made out. We always end up having sex which I don't mind but sometimes, just chilling like this is kinda fun too." She gives me a small kiss.

"Ana, you never cease to amaze me." I kiss her hard.

When I break away she giggle and shrugs, "I try, I try."

I want to go in for the kill now; I'm dying to know what she thought of everything. "I was going to ask you while we were taking a bath but I could tell your brain was complete mush... was there anything you didn't like? I know this was a little more extreme than what you've been through before."

She swallows and looks down. "I liked it... I really wanted to kill you for the denial at one point because it sucked but I understood what you were going for... at one point it got really intense though... I couldn't really feel anything physically but emotionally... I saw something..." her voice cracks and she looks

FUCK. Oh god, I hope it wasn't a bad memory. I hold her face "Baby, what happened, was it a bad memory?"

"No nooo, not at all. I think I had a dream or something. I felt like I was floating..."

"You experienced something called subspace."

She looks up to me. "What's that?"

"It's a dissociative state in a way, with extreme pleasure or pain you don't feel anything anymore, it's a euphoric altered state. Anything can trigger it, it really depends on how you are as a person."

"Have you ever felt that?" she looks up at me. I wasn't expecting her to ask me that though I shouldn't be surprised that she did, it's only natural for her to want to know...

"Well, I've never experienced it from pleasure... only from pain and it wasn't euphoric it was just a numb, warm feeling when your body just shuts down due to a biological response to pain."

She slowly nods her head. "So whatever I felt, you don't feel that way? I mean... during all that just now, you didn't feel anything."

"No, I felt a lot but I always do with you when have sex, heck even without it. But I didn't feel it as extremely as you did, I was still in control but I've never experienced a connection like this while in a scene because I never felt any kind of emotion... when I removed the blindfold and looked into your eyes it was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I can't describe it. I felt so much closer to you, so much more in love with you."

"Will I always experience subspace?"

"Not necessarily, sometimes you will experience and other times you may not... it depends on your body and emotional state at the time. What did you see?"

She looks down again and her brow furrows. I hold her face and kiss her forehead and see tears fall from her eyes. I kiss her lips and urge her to tell me.

She starts to speak with her voice thick and heavy. "I saw myself running through a field after a little boy and then he suddenly stopped and asked me to pick him up... he had blue eyes like mine and hair like yours...and then... I felt you standing behind me, kissing my neck and rubbing my belly as we looked at him." She breaks out into a sob. Fuck, that is intense.

I crush her into a hug trying to keep my own emotions at bay but I feel my eyes burn. She pulls away. "I'm fine... it's probably just with all the baby shower stuff that influenced me."

"Don't dismiss it, Ana. It's beautiful that you felt that... I'm so honored you felt that way for me and with me. I want to be able to give you pleasure, Ana... to worship you and show you how much I love you." I stroke her cheek and give her a chaste kiss.

She nods but I can sense there's more on her mind.

"Ana, baby... talk to me. You can ask me anything, you can tell me anything... you have to communicate with me so I can take care of you."

Her face remains tense but she doesn't look at me. She blinks.. as if she's trying to find her words. I hold her hand and bring it to my lips.

"Why do I feel so low and insecure? If this was supposed to be a pleasurable experience then why do I feel this way?"

I swallow. Fuck, she's experiencing a subdrop.

"Baby, what you're experiencing right now is a subdrop. It's a chemical imbalance, you've come down from a high and intense scene, kind of like a sugar crash because you're no longer feeling those hormones. It can be immediate or a delayed response. This is why you need to talk to me so I can take care of you."

"But I don't feel like this after we have regular sex."

"Well, regular sex is a very different experience. We're both fully engaged with each other and there's an element of spontaneity... this was also your first ever scene and you did so well, baby. Similarly, when I had my first vanilla experience with you, it was... intense and.. transformative and I instantly knew I wanted more of it with you."

She nods but her eyes are still downcast. "Did you experience this too... a subdrop after..."

"I did."

"Were you taken care of?"

"No I wasn't. I wasn't taught that Ana. I was taught control over my emotions and so when I did experience it, I had to learn early on to channel it into something productive."

"You deserved to be taken care of." she says with a wavering voice.

"I did but... I guess it was part of the manipulation."

"What about your subs, surely they felt like this too sometimes?"

Fuck, this is about to get really awkward but I owe her the truth.

I take a deep breath. "Well, the subs I had arrangements with were experienced and knew how to deal with it. I provided them with aftercare that wasn't emotional but elemental I would say. Making sure they took pain medication... making sure they ate well and slept. This, right now, all of what I have with you is new and with you everything comes naturally to me because I want this connection with you, because I love you." I stroke her cheek as she nods.

I carry her to bed and lay down with her and hug her tight as she rests her face in the crook of my neck.

"Can you sing to me?" she asks in a small voice.

"What do you want to hear?"

"Anything."

I kiss her temple and sing a favorite that reminds me of a dream I had after our first night together.

_You'll remember me when the west wind moves  
Among the fields of barley  
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky  
When we walked in fields of gold_

_So she took her love for to gaze awhile  
Among the fields of barley  
In his arms she fell as her hair came down  
Among the fields of gold_

_Will you stay with me? Will you be my love  
Among the fields of barley?  
And you can tell the sun in his jealous sky  
When we walked in fields of gold_

I look down and she's fast asleep. "I love you, Ana."

* * *

**Authors Note: **More famly dynamics and secrets will be revealed in the next chapter. In the meantime, please tell me what you'd like to read more of. I already know you want everyone to know about Vishaal did to Ana and that will happen in due time, i'm talking about character developments... interactions or character histories. Let me know.

**Music:**

Love Me Harder – Ariana Grande feat. The Weeknd

Lips (Edu Imbernon Remix) – The xx, Edu Imbernon

Don't Let Me Down (feat. Khalid) – Sabrina Claudio

Fields of Gold – Eva Cassidy.


	36. Chapter 36

How are we all feeling?

**LadyValarie65**: hoping you are well. my heart goes out to everyone affected by the virus and those of you in the healthcare profession who are on the frontlines.

To my readers who are essential employees, sending you power through vibes.

Jess, I hope you're well. I hope the test results came back negative. It baffles me how badly USA has dropped the ball on this.

Without futher ado... some insight into the family drama.

* * *

Chapter 36 – _just let me adore you._

_Sunday, February 9th, 2020._

**CPOV**

I walk out of the bedroom towards the kitchen and see Ana in the kitchen with some music playing. It's got a 70's vibe to it, she moves slightly to the beat, singing along.

_You don't have to say you love me  
I just wanna tell you something  
Lately you've been on my mind_

_Honey  
I'd walk through fire for you  
Just let me adore you  
Oh, honey  
I'd walk through fire for you  
Just let me adore you  
Like it's the only thing I'll ever do  
Like it's the only thing I'll ever do_

She looks up and smiles, "Good morning, Mr. Grey! Breakfast is almost ready." She picks up the frying pan and walks away to the counter. I walk up to her and snake my arms around her waist, resting my head on her shoulder and her breathing hitches as soon as I start to kiss her neck.

_tu es si belle. You are so beautiful._

_Ta peau est douce comme de la soie. your skin is soft as silk_

I use one hand to grab her breast and as my fingers find her their way to her clit and play with her. She throws her head back against my shoulder and moans my name.

_je'taime tellement. I love you so much_

"Christian... " She moans my name again. I turn her face to me, her eyes are dark with desire and her cheeks are flushed.

_j'ai besoin de vous. I need you._

_je ne peaux pas en avoir assez de toi. I can never get enough of you._

"I want you inside of me." She moans, looking into my eyes with her hand in my hair pulling me towards her.

"This is for you baby, just enjoy this... I'll have my fun soon..." I smile against her lips and kiss her, invading her mouth as I increase the speed of my fingers and play with her nipple. She almost there, I don't let her move or come up for air. She's completely mine and soon enough she comes and it's beautiful.

It's a little after 10am and it's a sunny day and the whole apartment is bathed with warm light. Ana's sitting next to me with her legs tangled in mine, adorned in a black, hand painted silk robe that I got her from Tokyo with cherry blossoms on it, her hair cascading down her front, cheeks flushed, I'll never tire of seeing her like this.

She's made us avocado toast with smoked salmon and fried eggs and some cut fruit on the side.

"Miss Steele, you really know the way to a man's heart." I say as I take my last bites.

"Just your heart Mr. Grey." She smiles as she sips on her tea. I plant kisses on both her hands and she giggles.

"I almost made French toast but then I realized we had pancakes yesterday so I thought I'd make you a power breakfast for you to get through your calls for work." She smiles.

"Well, it tastes fucking amazing. Thank you baby... but I took the weekend off."

"Why?"

"I want to spend time with you, besides when we were on break, I worked all the time so now I'm taking some time off to be with my girl."

"Well, I'd love to take the weekend off too but I have cookies to make for the heathens you employ."

"They can survive a week without cookies."

"Yeah, but I kinda like them." She shrugs and smiles. I lean in give her a small kiss.

We're interrupted by an incoming call on her phone and she looks a little concerned. She answers it and sets it to speaker.

"Hi Aashu, everything okay?"

"Yes Aanapa, GUESS WHO'S ENGAGED AND GETTING MARRIED?" A young girls voice squeals through the phone.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME. I'm so happy for you babies." Her enthusiasm is so genuine as she breaks out in a big smile and claps.

"I know, it took for fucking ever but his mom finally agreed. Also, I'm converting." She says.

"Oh...wow... okay, listen as long as you're doing it for the right reasons babe, converting for someone just to get married is not good enough, you have to really want it for yourself because this is a forever kinda thing you know what I mean?" Ana advises like the big sister she is.

"I wasn't really that religious or followed the hindu or sikh traditions anyway but I did my research and a lot of the Islamic traditions made sense to me and I relate to them on a deeper level so, I really do want those values in my life."

"I'm so glad babe, so tell me everything, what's the plan for the wedding?" Ana asks excitedly and looks up to me. She's so happy.

Aashu tells her the dates for the wedding and her plans for how she wants to plan it. She asks Ana for advice and Ana is full of options and ideas for her, it instantly puts the bride to be at ease and tells her they can do a facetime call to go over stuff in detail soon. She asks her to be a bridesmaid.

"Who will I be paired with?" Ana asks hesitantly.

"Well, it was going to be Akash Rahman but Karan threw a fit and said he wanted to be paired with you." Aashu laughs.

Ana immediately tenses. "Wait, how is Akash part of the wedding?"

"Oh, Imran's mom and Akash's mom are sisters. Listen, I can tell some shit when down in the buy out, Imran told me he got murdered in the negotiation process because his mom cut him out of the business completely. He's not getting a cent from the deal. He's at the mercy of whatever his mom will leave him from her personal assets once she dies."

Ana looks to me and I can see she's uncomfortable; I hold her hand and squeeze it. "I didn't realize that... listen, babies, I'd love to be a bridesmaid but I'm going to have to decline. I just recently got a lot of responsibility at work and you already know that the company I work for bought out Rahman Industries, I don't want to cause any problems for you and Imran. I will still be super involved in the wedding I promise. I'll talk to Karan about it and I'll make it up to you."

"Aww... okay, I understand, just as long as you promise to sing and dance at the wedding, I'll be happy and so honored Aanapa."

"Girl, they're gonna have to drag me off the dance floor. Karan and I will make you proud. I promise. Are Kiran and Vishaal part of the bridal party?"

"I haven't asked them yet, I know Imran has asked Vishaal to be a groomsman and he will probably agree but you know how Kiran is... it'd be a miracle if she even showed up to my wedding." I can sense Aashu's sadness.

"Listen, if she wants to be difficult then fuck it. You deserve to only have people who genuinely love you and want to celebrate you. Don't waste your energy wishing and hoping for people to come who don't reciprocate your love for them." I can hear the anger in Ana's voice. I suddenly realize there is a lot to this family and it's insanely layered.

"Thank you Aanapa, you've always been so good to me."

"Cause you da best babygirl. Okay send me a picture of that fucking ring and give Imran a hug from me. I'll see you soon."

"Yes Apa, also will you bring Christian bhai to the wedding? You guys are so cute, I'd love to have him there too. I want to officially meet the man who's won my Aanapa's heart." She says with such affection.

Ana smiles at me. "Babies, I can't promise you, I have to ask him. He's a really busy man. I think he barely survived a half-indian wedding, not sure what a full Indian wedding will do to him." They both laugh out loud. "I'll let you know as soon as I look over his schedule, okay?"

"Yaaay thank you, I love you. I'll see you soon."

"Love you meri jaan, bye!" She hangs up. And her face falls. I ask her what happened.

"I didn't realize Akash was related to her fiancé. Fuck." She shivers a bit. "Can we move to the couch, my back is getting stiff."

"What happened Ana, are you in pain? Do you want to lie down?"

"No, I'm good. I just need back support for a bit. Nothing serious, I promise."

We move to couch and she brings her knees to her chest and covers her face taking deep breaths.

"Baby..."

She begins to sob. I pull her close to me and hold her.

"Ana..."

"... no it's okay, I can't freak out about this now. It was just the initial shock of the realization I think... I'm fine." She says while wiping her tears. I hold her face and kiss her.

Her phone rings again and she breaks the kiss to see who it is.

"KARAN!"

"Ana, what's wrong bachay, are you crying?" Karan asks. He has a strong British accent. I have so many questions that I need to ask Ana about the family.

"No Karan bhai, just need to clear my throat." She lies and clears her throat. I kiss her cheek.

"Aashu told me she called you."

"Yeah she did, fina-fucking-ly this wedding is gonna happen." She giggles.

"I know, it's about fucking time. Listen I told her not to add you to the bridal party, that fucker Akash is trying to take over and I didn't want you anywhere near him and Vishaal but Aashu really wanted you"

"I really appreciate that Karan bhai but I'll be fine, I declined but promised Aashu you and I would tear up the dance floor."

"Oh we most definitely will."

"Before we talk more, how's Tony? I miss his face. When am I going to see you both again?"

"Bachay, just come to Miami already, I'll send you a ticket, come stay with us and we'll go party."

"You know, now that all this wedding business is over and I'm actually working and getting a steady paycheck, I think I will."

"Good, you deserve to hang out with people in this family who aren't completely psychotic."

Ana laughs out loud. I love seeing her so involved.

"Alright listen, I'm going to make a 6 song medley for one of our dances, tell me 3 songs you want and I'll add my own 3 selections"

She looks at me biting her lip, "DEFINITELY something by Post Malone, Swae Lee... and the rest I'll leave up to you. "

I give her a small kiss, she's so fucking playful.

"Consider it done. Also, can we please do that viral bhangra dance?"

"UM YES WE CAN, I wanted to do that at Kiran's wedding but you know how she is. It was a miracle you and I got to sing and do our dance off."

"Can we not talk about Kiran?" Karan says with annoyance.

"Okay deal. Also, what song are you singing?"

"I haven't decided, I'm half pissed we had to sing Tera Who Pyar for Kiran's wedding, I wanted so badly you and I to sing that for Aashu."

"I know, I'm sorry but I'm sure you can find something equally meaningful. For my solo I'm going to sing Beloved by Anoushka Shankar I think.. I'll send you other options otherwise."

"I don't remember that, how does it go."

Ana clears her throat a bit and sings, she puts her hand on my face and runs her hand in my hair, staring lovingly into my eyes. I don't know what she's saying but it's so beautiful, she sounds like an angel and I fall deeper in love with her. She finishes and gives me a small kiss and smile.

"DAMN Steele, your voice changed. Must be the sex."

"FUCK YOU KARAN!" she laughs and I chuckle.

"No I'm serious, it helps with the voice." He laughs. She looks at me and rolls her eyes.

"Okay stop, do you like the song?"

"Yep, it's a solid choice. I'll have the band figure it out."

Suddenly we hear a dog bark and another male voice boom through the speaker.

"Ana banana!" another male voice comes through.

"TONY BHAIIIIIII!, I haven't heard your sexy voice or seen that gorgeous face in FOREVAAA, we need to fix this ASAP." She whines and it's adorable.

"I know banana but you're a busy woman and I hear you're dating some Richie Rich, how's that going?" He asks teasingly.

"Don't make fun of my man and if you must know, it's going very well, please come to visit and we'll all go out to dinner!" Ana shyly tells him.

"How about you both come to Miami and chill with us and you'll finally get to meet Spencer, he's growing up so fast, I can't keep up with him!"

"I'm going to try, I promise. Will you be at the wedding?"

"Yeah I will be, Karan wants us three to do a choreographed dance so lets see how that goes."

"It'll be fucking amazing, people will hate us!" Ana giggles.

"Fuckers won't know what hit 'em!" Tony laughs and excuses himself.

"Bachay, what will you wear to the wedding?" Karan asks.

"I have this pink sabyasaachi lehnga that Kiran got me for her wedding but I never wore it, I'll send you the campaign picture for it. I'll wear that on the baraat/sangeet and then I have white ensemble for the Nikkah."

"Okay love, fuck what Kiran got you. I asked Arti in LA to get some options for you. I'll have my assistant book you a ticket for whenever you want to go out there and just shop for whatever you'd like."

"Bhai, there's no need. I have clothes."

"Aana, don't argue. You know how we do things in this family. In fact, call Arti and show her whatever you like and she'll order it for you. Promise me you will." She looks at me and I can tell she's uncomfortable.

"Bhai, please don't pressure me."

"Shut up. Just promise me." He sounds like a the ultimate big brother scolding a little sister.

"Okay fine. Whatever, I'll call her this week and figure something out." She rolls her eyes.

"Good. Now tell me will Christian be coming? I'd like to meet him, we barely go to speak at Kiran's wedding and send me his shalwar kameez measurements, I can get him a plain white one made with a vest in a the same color as your dress, if he's interested."

"God, that would be so cute Karan bhai, I'll ask him and let you know if he can make it."

"Okay bachay, you do that... I'm going to finalize these song selections and get back to you with choreo and then we'll eventually meet on one of the dholki's and practice together."

"Sure, sounds like a plan."

"Perfect... so now for the real gossip." Karan laughs. "Have you spoken to Nita Khala yet?"

"No, not yet, I'll speak to her before she goes to sleep which is in another 3 hours or so. Why... what happened." Ana looks at me with concern.

"Well, they had the will reading this afternoon. I skyped in for it at the crack of dawn..."

"And?"

"Well, it's weird but Nana named Vishaal and Kiran interim CEO's till the 3rd quarter. Uncle Rish will still remain COO to help them out and AHAK is not to make any new plays for acquisitions. Only the ones that were in play before Nana's death are to be worked out and finalized. After the 3rd quarter the remainder of the Will shall be executed. And all major decisions will still need Nani's final stamp of approval. In addition the only assets that are handled are personal ones in India that have been left to Nita and Alia Khala, which is why the lawyer flew out to start the process of transfer of ownership in the local courts there. The US assets will be announced after the 3rd quarter."

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Ana yells. "That makes no fucking sense. I thought he'd make Uncle Rish CEO and then... I mean I don't know... this makes no sense. I thought Kiran and Vishaal would get the reins maybe like 5-10 years down the line."

"Another weird thing is that he gave Vishaal Australia, the West Coast and Europe to handle and Kiran the East coast and South East Asia to handle."

"Okay that is fucking insane. Kiran should've gotten the east coast and Europe and Vishaal the west coast and asia or give Kiran all of USA and Vishaal the rest of the world or something... logistically this sounds like a fucking nightmare. I know KIran wants to start a family soon; this is not conducive to that. They'll just be flying around." Ana is exasperated now. This sounds like a fucking nightmare but also I'm mildly entertained.

"Frankly, darling, I don't give two shits about Kiran's sex life and her desire to reproduce and give life to the devil's spawn."

Ana laughs out loud and I chuckle. "Okay but seriously, doesn't this feel... I don't know. Whatever. Fuck... him being CEO is... What do you think will happen after the 3rd quarter?"

"Honestly bachay, I think this just a move to transition them both into everything and after 3rd quarter they'll revaluate everything and see. Abdul Karim had his own wisdom of doing things... we just have to wait. Though, I'm right there with you. Watching their insufferable faces parade around as CEO's of AHAK is not something I'm looking forward to. I'm still being retained to follow through the deals I was handling for Nana till the 3rd quarter as well."

"Hmm, oh well, I guess it what it is then."

"Yeah, sorry to be the bearer of bad and weird news."

"God, no, don't apologize. Thanks for telling me, I don't know how I would've reacted when Nita or Nani would've told me all this. Now I can be prepared and give a slightly measured response... like the dignified lady I am." Ana says the last part with a perfect English accent. She's always so playful.

"Are you going to be alright?"

"I'll be fine bhai. Do you still have access to his calendar?"

"No I don't, that's the other weird thing. Last week, he fired his PA and did an overhaul on security for both AHAK and KGI. I no longer have access, I had an in with his PA but now I'm blind... but as far as I know, he's not slated to visit Seattle at all. I'll try my best to keep tabs on him otherwise."

"No it's fine... thanks bhai, I really appreciate everything you've done. Thank you so much." Her voice wavers.

"Bachay, anything for you. I've got to go now but take care of yourself okay and please visit soon. You access to my calendar just pick a weekend and add your name to it and we'll hang."

"I will. Thank you for calling, I've missed you. I'm sorry we didn't hang out so much at Kiran's wedding, it was just crazy."

"It's okay bachay, I'm just so proud of you and how you handled everything, you were a vision."

"Oh god, stop, now go, we'll talk soon! Try to come to Seattle, please!"

"I'll do my best, love you!"

"Love you!" She hangs up.

She looks at me with a shy smile. "I know... my family is too much drama for a Sunday morning."

"I honestly really enjoyed hearing you speak to them, I feel like I learn something new about you with every interaction." I smile at her and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and she leans into my touch.

"That song was beautiful, what did it mean?"

"With your eyes and the sound of your flute, do not torture me my love, I am yours, only yours. I breathe only to say your name, my dark and beautiful one." She says with her arms around my neck.

"And I am yours." I say as I hover over her lips and kiss her, pouring all of my love into it. I break away and she smiles shyly back up at me.

"You'll sing this song at the wedding?" I ask.

"Yep. Do you think you'll be able to come? I don't want to take you away from work for too long. Ros may still be on maternity leave."

"It's at the end of April right? I'll definitely be there baby. I'm not going to miss a chance to see you in your element." She giggles.

"I didn't know you were close to Karan." I ask.

She takes a deep breath. "How close are you to Daniel, Christian? I want to tell you everything but there's some stuff that Kiran and Daniel can't know because then Vishaal will definitely find out and create a shit storm in the family."

"I grew up with him but he's more Elliot's friend than mine. He's a family friend that I make small talk with. I was dragged to this wedding because Grace was going to kill me. Why else do you think I agreed to be a standby groomsmen, I wanted nothing immediate to do with the wedding." I laugh.

"Boy did you miss out!" Ana laughs.

"I won in the end." I kiss her and she smiles back.

"So do you want to know the family history?"

"Yeah, I do. I actually have so many questions."

"You want to know Nana's story also or just the cousin dynamic?"

"Everything, tell me whatever you want."

"Well then this will take a while so brace yourself Grey cause this story time will require snacks and drinks I believe." She laughs

"Bracing for impact, Miss Steele." I kiss her.

We both get up and go to get some snacks and water and make our way back to the couch. She sits close to me and I pull her legs into my lap and she starts to tell me.

"Okay, I'm going to start with a history and geography lesson and will try make this as interesting as I can. Tell me whenever you start to feel bored." She giggles.

"You're quite good at story time, Miss Steele, I could never get bored." I smirk.

She laughs. "Good, except this going to be the longest fucking story time of my life... so you know how freaking big India is right? Anyway, prior 1947 it was India plus modern day Pakistan and Bangladesh and all of Kashmir that made up all of India. Without getting into too much detail because we'll be there till tomorrow night... In 1947 the Islamic Republic of Pakistan was created as a country solely for any Muslims, mostly the subcontinent given the proximity to find their safe haven since they were being persecuted in India at the time and barely had any representation in government. Now the British may have been great at divide and conquer but they were absolute shit at divide and get the fuck out... they divided India into West Pakistan and East Pakistan which is now modern day Bangladesh. It was a shitshow because how do you govern part of a country that is so fucking far away with a majority that didn't even speak Urdu... they spoke bangla and anyway, so that was a shitshow on it's own.

Anyway, Kashmir was also a point of contention during the negotiations of gaining freedom from the British Raj. As it stands, India controls about I think 65-70% of Kashmir even though they are to be considered a separate entity and Pakistan controls the remainder 30% with like a small section controlled by China also, I think... I need to confirm that actually. Kashmir has been in a state of chaos since the British left. It's messy because Muslims in Kashmir are continually persecuted.

Nana was once part of the Kashmiri royal family who were Sikh, except Nana's father who was a younger brother and therefore not in line for succession, decided to convert to Islam and as a result they were all disowned but still had some lucrative assets in their name. Nana was the youngest of his siblings. Right before the partition, two of his sisters and one brother moved to Lahore, which is a city in modern day Pakistan and the remainder two sisters moved with Nana to Delhi and his parents. Nana was 12 at the time I think. He got into Harvard at the age of 17 and moved to America for college and well you already know his trajectory into the billions." She laughs. "Anyway, he became successful and helped pay for his sisters to get married and supported all their families. Two of his sisters in India died, while he was at Harvard. One from Typhoid in her early 20's and the other died during premature childbirth. His siblings in Pakistan did well for themselves. I have Pakistani cousins and they're awesome but I don't get to meet them much but we talk all the time and facetime every now and then. Rania is from the Pakistani side of the family. Nana's brother passed away about 15 years ago but he only had one son who was Rania's dad. Nana sponsored Rania's dad to come over to America. Rania's family moved here but her mom passed away when Priya was about 2 years old and that was difficult on her father and the kids too... he sort of checked out mentally so Nana took Rania took her under his wing when she was in her early teens and she's a fucking shark. She could give Travis and Jose a run for they money... which is why she's head of legal at AHAK... Still with me?"

I laugh. "Yes Miss Steele, I'm so intrigued."

She takes a deep breath. "Okay cool. So Nani was part of Kashmiri nobility back in the day... Nana's mom knew Nani's mother and they kept in touch after she had moved to Delhi and they had an arranged marriage and Alia Khala and Nita were born in India but Nana's business remained in America so he would travel a lot. They eventually moved to the US. Everyone in this family went to finishing school in Europe by the way. Nani too. They all, with the exception of Nana speak French so you can bond with them on that. I'm not happy about it but for the sake of you becoming friends with them, I'll allow it." She narrows her eyes at me and I laugh.

"I'm going to have so much with this now. It's game over for you Miss Steele." I laugh.

She rolls her eyes at me. "Everyone speaks a minimum of 6 languages in the family. The cousins all speak, French, Arabic, Cantonese, Spanish in addition to Urdu, Hindi and Punjabi... I'm the only black sheep in the family."

"Ana, you learned 3 languages after the age of 10 that's pretty impressive."

"Yeah but... I don't know... you know, before the accident I didn't give a shit about their accomplishments. Ray had a way of grounding me and making feel like I was perfectly fine the way I was but then the feeling of inferiority really weighed me down. I felt like such a failure so when I moved to Portland I would take all these free classes and seminars and shit. Like learning photography, calligraphy, flowers... like all this fluffy shit. I don't know... anyway, in addition to that they all can play a minimum of 3 instruments each. Karan plays about 6 but yeah... it's fucking insane."

"That is insane." That is fucking insane.

"You think Grace wanted her children to be accomplished? Nana was on a whole other level. He paid for every single cousin's education. He said it was an investment in the future of the family legacy." She laughs at my horrified expression.

"Why didn't he pay for your education?"

She shrugs and laughs. "Not really part of the family, I guess. I don't know. Nani and Nita tried to talk to me about it. Paying for everything and buying me a place to live in Portland but I shut that shit down. Ray would not have wanted that for me. He taught me to stand on my own two feet. I had two hands, I could work and I did. Yes they were menial jobs but they taught me a great deal." She starts to tear up. "It was important for me to honor him that way, was I always tired and in pain... yes but each job taught me a valuable lesson. Nannying taught me how to deal with screaming and tantrum throwing individuals." She looks at me and smirks. And I laugh. I see what you did there Miss Steele. "The hardware store taught me organization and handling complete idiots and the library job did the same but also helped me quickly help out with research and helped me get my reading fix... I learned a great deal from them all and it really helps me at GEH. No one gives me attitude because I get shit done and I can put them in their place if need be. I'm nice and respectful but I'm not a pushover. Not professionally at least." She takes a deep breath. It breaks my heart to hear this. She fucking deserves the world. All this pain... fuck.

"Oh Miss Steele, I can personally attest to the fact that you are certainly not the kind to be pushed around at work. I learned my lesson in that HR meeting."

"Damn straight you did, you better think twice before 'summoning' me up and goading me into a situation that frankly speaking backfired on your ass. I mean I even bit my tongue and tried not to answer thinking okay maybe he'll take my hesitance as a sign of respect... but no you just wanted to be murdered... so I let it rip. You're welcome, Mr. Grey."

I let out a big laugh. "You're right. I wasn't entirely sure how you were going to react so it was a test which I did have fun with, I'm not going to lie and like always Ana, you dominated."

"I know, I'm just that awesome." She flips her hair back and rolls her eyes laughing.

"Tell me about the Kapadias." I ask. I really want to know more about this AHAK-KGI dynamic.

"Okay so, Karan is Vishaal and Kiran's cousin on their dad's side. Uncle Rish's younger brother is Arsh, his children are Aasha who we call Aashu and then Karan. I didn't get close to them until my first year of college. Aashu is about 2 years younger than me. Karan is your age. Karan went to Eton from a young age and Aashu went to American schools in India which is why she doesn't have an accent. Karan did pre-law in London as well and then went to law school at Harvard where he met Daniel. They met in con law I think, I don't remember but anyway, since Vishaal and Daniel were both at Harvard at the same time as Karan, Kiran naturally ended up meeting Daniel and they hit it off. Daniel is definitely closer to Karan in comparison. Vishaal was bit of an over achiever, he did pre-law, law school and then also his MBA. He thinks he's the shit but in reality we all know that he is just... shit." We both laugh.

When I met Karan and Aasha, we instantly hit it off. As much as I love Kiran, I adore Aashu and Karan a little more. But again, Kiran and Vishaal kept me far from them, which is why my close relationship with them is very recent.

You already know that AHAK owns 40% of KGI, that's because Uncle Rish and Uncle Arsh had been trying to get their business off the ground and were struggling a bit, they actually used to work for AHAK as executives when Uncle Rish made his moves on Alia Khala, anyway... Nana helped them out and that's how the 40% ownership came to be. They remained focused on the eastern hemisphere and the only reason why they any assets in the US and Europe is because of Nana. He was instrumental in securing those deals for them. Anyway, KGI is supposed to be split 4 ways between Vishaal, Kiran, Karan and Aashu but given how Vishaal and Kiran are set to inherit AHAK eventually, it puts Karan at a disadvantage since Karan won't have much leverage when it comes to making decisions in the future. Their company is structured differently from AHAK. Everything will require a vote amongst the cousins eventually.

"This is why I don't fucking share my shit. Too much fucking drama."

"Yeah, it's a messy situation. Nita's shares will go to them also once she passes."

"So you really get nothing."

"Nope. I have the house in Montesano which was paid off from Dad's life insurance, it's not worth much but it's my plan B if all else fails in life."

"Ana... "

"Christian, stop. I don't want their money. I don't want all that fucking drama."

It fucking frustrates me. She deserves to be taken care of.

"Karan's into real estate, he still helps out with the family business in India and here too sometimes but he's trying to make a name for him self with his partner Tony who comes from a real estate mogul family himself. They've taken Miami by storm and are doing really well in Atlanta. They want to take over in Texas next. Karan is gay and no one but Aashu and myself know. I suspect Daniel knows but he's smart enough to keep his mouth shut. Karan knows about Vishaal and now Akash and what they did to me. He's the only guy in the family who I trust and he's been so good to me, Christian. He's the one who tells me all the behind the scenes about the business gossip in the family otherwise I'd never know shit. I barely get to hang out with him but he'd always call me and come visit me even for a day or two and give me cash for an emergency fund when I was in college. He was like a real big brother to me. It's not something I publicly announce because, Kiran hates his guts and given this rivalry, I don't want to add to the drama. He taught me how to dance and he taught me a little how to sing and got me lessons for my 21st birthday. You heard his voice right? It's beautiful, he actually learned from a proper vocal teacher back in India." She beams with pride.

"I've only met them three or four times since the accident but we talk all the time and I've longed to go to Miami but I would never be able to explain how I got there and why I was hanging out with him so I never went. Plus I was a broke ass college student so yeah but now that I'm working and honestly, hanging out with you gives me confidence to say fuck it to a lot of things, so thank you for that." She leans in a gives me a small kiss. "I think will go to Miami one of these weekends and just chill with them." She giggles. She picks up her phone and shows me a selfie of herself with Tony and Karan and they look so adorable.

I smile at her "I'm so glad you have him in your life and I'm sorry you haven't been able to hang out with him as much as you'd like. If you want to go to Miami, we can make a plan and go in the next couple of weeks."

"Really?" she asks with child like wonder "I don't want to take you away from anything Christian, I know how busy you are and running an empire is not easy."

"Baby, I work hard so I can enjoy the fruits of my labor. I want to share it all with you and besides; I'd rather spend my weekends wherever you are. It'll be nice for us to get out of here for a little while and be a normal couple that walks out on the street again." I kiss her.

She claps her hands in delight and kisses me again "Thank you so much Christian, you've made my day."

"Now that the fucker and Kiran are Co-CEO's... what are you thoughts about that?"

"I don't like it. I don't think they're ready. Actually, what the fuck do I know, my feelings are too personal. I don't like him having that power but I'm glad Nani still is the final authority on everything but they are not like Nana. They both lack compassion and I'm not saying that in regards to what happened to me, I'm saying... like Karan, he's a lot like you Christian. He's got a good heart, takes care of his employees and is really smart but he's humble and kind. Vishaal is an entitled piece of shit and Kiran, as much as I love her and owe her for what she's done for me, she's still a little not all there in some aspects. She hasn't been through real hardship, she's always gotten wants and she's really selfish. It's always all about her. Only a white guy could survive with her cause 99% of south Asian men are entitled, egomaniacs who just want blow-up dolls for wives."

I laugh. "Yeah Scooter is that schmuck. He's such a pushover."

"But he's a wonderful pushover, he really loves her. I adore him." She says with love. "Why do you guys call him scooter?"

"Cause he was always on a fucking scooter or was always whining for one. It just made sense to call him that after a while and it stuck." I have to laugh and Ana joins in.

"I can't wait to Karan to be able to freely live his life. I think him and I bonded on that fear of abandonment and we became close. He was that older brother I longed for in Vishaal, I just bonded with him so late." She says with sadness "But he's in my life now, and I'm so happy and I make the most of our time together."

"I'm glad he's in your life too." I say and I truly mean it. I'd be jealous as shit if he was straight that's for sure.

"Did Aashu call me big brother?" I ask.

Ana smiles "Yeah she did." It makes me feel so cherished. "It's her way of welcoming you to the family by calling you that and also having you attend the wedding. I'm pretty sure Daniel and Kiran will come because they just have to, plus Tony will be there, he's hilarious so you won't totally be alone whenever I have to disappear for a while." She kisses my cheek.

"Thank you for thinking of me baby." I say.

"Can't help it Mr. Grey, I'm obsessed with you." She says with the sweetest smile.

"What did Karan call you?"

"Oh he calls me bachay, which is like calling me little one. He calls Aashu that too!" she smiles.

"You all are so affectionate with each other and have special names for relationships." I say.

"Yep, I have like 10 different nicknames, it's a thing in the culture."

"Tell me all your names, I want to know." I ask her and kiss her again.

She takes an exaggerated breath and laughs " Well Ana is pretty standard. A lot of people just call me Aana in the family, and the kids call me Aanapa if I'm their cousin or Aana khala if I'm an aunt from their mom's side, if I'm an aunt from the father's side then I'm Aana phupho. I'm called 'meri jaan' a lot which means, my life or my love. I'm called bachay which I just explained, Ray called me Annie or Luna, Nita will calls me Aanu and those names are exclusively reserved for them in addition to Nani who calls me Aisha, that's actually her name but she says she sees a lot of herself in me so she says my muslim name is Aisha. Kiran calls me babygirl and it sort of stuck so Rania calls me that too, Kate started calling me Steele and I loved it so it stuck, Tony calls me Ana banana and Mia overheard that at the Cabo trip and she calls me that too now and you're the only one to call me baby." She shrugs and laughs.

"I'm glad I get a name all to myself." I laugh. "Why did Ray call you Luna?" She looks down with a sad smile.

"Luna is moon in Italian and he said that I was the light in the night for him, though I also suspect it was because I had some a chubby white face as a baby." She laughs with tears in her eyes. I give her a deep kiss.

"He was on to something. You're moonlight personified." I tell her and she gives me a small kiss.

"What about you Christian, you don't have any nicknames?" she asks.

"Nope. I never entertained that shit and Grace oddly never called us by anything other than our names."

"But you guys call Elliot, Lelliot and it's so cute." She smiles.

"Yeah I guess, I don't know, I never really thought about it."

"Hmm, I don't even know what nickname I'd call you by even if I tried, I love your name so much." She smiles and kisses the corner of my mouth. "Maybe I'll come up with something, who knows? It will probably be in Urdu though" she muses.

"What kind of words do people for something like that?"

"Oh god, so many, um, piya, jaan, jaanu, which makes me shudder, I don't like the word jaanu, sanam is one, I really like that, jaaneman which means my darling, saanware and so many more that I actually can't remember off of the top of my head but 99% of these words are mostly used in poetry and not in real life. I think the one that comes closest to you is Jaaneman." She smiles and puts her hand on my face and leans close.

"I like that, it'll be something that only you call me, that makes me feel really special."

"Okay Jaaneman." She smiles and kisses me again.

(jaaneman, pronounced as jaanaymunn)

...

We take a bath and get dressed to take on the day which involves Ana making her millions of cookies again, I decide to work a few hours in the office, once I'm done I go back out to see what Ana's up to, the entire place smells of warmth. In such a short time she's made this place into a home. She's brought a level of calm and comfort into my life that I never knew I needed. The idea of silence is now cold and deafening to me.

She's almost done with all the baking and has prepared about 8 boxes, just two more to go. She has her back to me and is singing as she places small round balls of cookie dough on to the baking tray. She sways to the beat, sometimes throwing up a free hand dancing a bit, it's fucking adorable.

_We don't say, "I love you" but that's fine by me  
Always at your crib, you live right by me  
Got me watching Shark Tank, we're so creative  
You don't take me on dates, but I don't hate it_

_Ooh-la-la  
Je suis chaude pour toi  
Oh my God  
Pourquoi je suis comme ça?  
Ooh-la-la  
Je suis chaude pour toi  
Oh my God  
Oh my God  
Walk me to the deli for  
Late night candy runs  
What we have is good  
So fun  
You're my Brooklyn love (love)  
Love  
You're my Brooklyn love (love)  
Love_

_Brooklyn Love – Lolo Zouai_

I quietly make my way over and hug her waist and kiss her neck, she jumps and half screams. "Why must you scare the life out of me Mr. Grey? No cookies for you." She giggles and sways a little.

"You sing French so beautifully."

She laughs out loud "I have no idea what I'm singing though."

"Well, she's saying 'I'm hot for you Oh my God Why am I like this?"I kiss her neck again.

"Oh!" she giggles a little embarrassed "so tell me Mr. Grey, why am I like this?"

"Because I'm in love with you and you're in love with me" I whisper in her ear and bite her earlobe and she quietly moans and her breathing changes. I kiss her neck and she giggles. "Christian, I need to finish making these cookies."

"Ahem and you need to finish whatever else you're doing cause you have company." Elliot teases.

Ana jumps and laughs out loud. "Fuck of Lelliot" I laugh as I leave Ana and we both turn around.

"Hi Elliot!" Ana says shyly. She washes her hands and dries them and grabs a plate with a few extra cookies and pours two glasses of milk and places them in front of us.

"Eat up boys!" She laughs. It's so adorable, Elliot and I take our seats on the bar stools by the counter and Ana moves her cookie making tools to the counter across from us so she can face us.

"Christian, this one is a keeper! Please keep her." Elliot laughs.

"I'm trying man!" I chuckle and Ana laughs.

"So Elliot, what's up?" Ana asks as she continues to work on the cookie dough.

"First of all, sorry for coming by unannounced, I kinda needed advice." Elliot quietly asks. Ana looks up with concern.

(to be continued)

* * *

**Authors Note: **Thank you for the suggestions. We'll definitely be hearing from Jose and Val, I promise. We will know more about Nita's history in Chapter 38. Major drama coming up y'all. Brace yourself.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out board for chapter 36 :)

**Music:**

Adore You – Harry Styles

Beloved – Anoushka Shankar

Brooklyn Love – Lolo Zouai


	37. Chapter 37

Okay so, this morning was a little sad. I woke up to several private messages and comments hurling abuse at me. In fact if you go into reviews you will see a certain reviewer who's basically accused me of being a terrorist and spreading the virus and belonging to a fundamentalist islamic group. Who knew that FANFICTION... that's right a FICTICIOUS story could rile up people? I mean Jesus H. Christ, this story isn't real. Is it inspired by some real life events and situations, yeah sure but in this isolated little world on the internet... IT IS NOT REAL.

This story will not be used to by think tanks to help write or influence policy. It will not be read at the UN general assembly to influence diplomacy.

Vishaal and Akash being the villans in this story is not indicative of every Indian man, of every Hindu or Muslim man or of every man on the planet. PERIOD. It is just indicative of who the characters are themselves. If I was going to bash an entire religion or country I would have made everyone in the kapadia family the villain but they are not. All I'm trying to tell you is that FAMILY IS COMPLICATED. And yes political histories can sometimes influence that.

My mother's grandfather was a Kashmiri sikh with no ties to royalty. He converted to Islam and moved Delhi before the partition of the sub-continent. I used that example for Nana's story.

Aashu converting to Islam isn't indicative of the fact that she as bashing what she grew up with. She just said that she didn't feel so strongly about those values she grew up with. She's a grown ass woman making an informed decision. Just like my bestfriend who was Sikh and converted to Islam to marry her boyfriend. Was there family drama, did her father lose his shit? You best believe he did but they EVENTUALLY realized that their kids were grown and had the right to make their decisions for their happiness. Again, LIFE AND FAMILY IS COMPLICATED.

Religion conversion happens all the time in the south Asian community, and nowadays it's usually by free will unless we're talking about the boonies. It's a reality. If you don't like it then don't read it. I have two friends who are ex-muslim. One decided to be come atheist and the other converted to Buddhism in their early 20's. Life is complicated and complex and it what makes it beautiful and difficult.

Again, let me reiterate, this is A FANFICITON STORY. If I was going to bash a country and an entire people I would've not dedicated a million chapters to Kiran's wedding. I wouldn't have taken the time to explain both the beautiful traditions in south Asian culture and the problematic issues. No country, religion or culture is without fault and blame.

If your main problem is with how I wrote about Kashmir and how they want independence then open up any major news publication and read what they are saying... it'll answer your questions. Half of my mother's maternal family on her mothers side is still in Kashmir and it's not pretty. Real shit is going down there for them. If you don't agree with their reality sitting in your comfortable little bed, reading this fanfiction then you know what... I don't care about your hurt ego.

I was born and raised in America. Is it perfect here? HELL NO. If you cannot look at your surroundings or your country and people with a critical eye then I cannot help you. You can still love your people and your country and STILL question its history and motives.

If you do not like this story, please stop reading it. There are so many stories on here that are relationship inappropriate and age inappropriate, talk of lack of consent and all the shit that could make your skin crawl... when I stumble upon something I don't like on here, I STOP reading it because a) it's not real and b) it's none of my business because... IT'S FANFICITON.

SIMPLE AS THAT.

You have no idea how this story is about to progress. Nita's background is about to come up that involves a Pakistani family. After you read that, what's next, I will get berated by pakistanis for making Pakistani people seem juvenile? NO, a small group of people cannot be used as the standard to measure an entire country's population.

Just because you haven't experienced trauma or a family history that is complex and frustrating does not mean it invalidates my history and experiences. It just goes to show that you haven't met every person in the world and have not been exposed to other people's circumstances. The world is really big and the problems some people have are beyond your comprehension.

If a fanfiction story is riling you up and making you hide behind a pseudonym or guest reviews... then you really need to revaluate your priorities.

I have turn on moderation for Guest reviews and will reporting comments that are abusive.

AGAIN. THIS STORY IS NOT REAL AND IT'S FICITION. CHILL THE EFF OUT.

* * *

Chapter 37 – Ladies and Gentlemen who lunch.

_Sunday, February 9th, 2020_

"_Hi Elliot!" Ana says shyly. She washes her hands and dries them and grabs a plate with a few extra cookies and pours two glasses of milk and places them in front of us._

"_Eat up boys!" She laughs. It's so adorable, Elliot and I take our seats on the bar stools by the counter and Ana moves her cookie making tools to the counter across from us so she can face us._

"_Christian, this one is a keeper! Please keep her." Elliot laughs._

"_I'm trying man!" I chuckle and Ana laughs._

"_So Elliot, what's up?" Ana asks as she continues to work on the cookie dough._

"_First of all, sorry for coming by unannounced, I kinda needed advice." Elliot quietly asks. Ana looks up with concern. _

"Um, so... I was going to ask Kate to marry me and well I need some help." He looks to Ana with a small smile. I look to Ana and tears start falling from her eye and she bolts towards Elliot and hugs him.

"I'm so happy for you Elliot. You and Kate are amazing together." She's fully crying and I pat his back.

"Damn Steele, really hitting me in the feels here, first the cookies now the hug and tears." His voice is strained. She laughs and takes a few steps back and wipes tears using the back of her hands.

"No I'm just so happy, you guys are perfect together. Why do you need help, just ask her."

"Well, I want it to be perfect and you know her best, I was hoping you'd create a cheat sheet for me." Elliot shyly asks.

"Cheat sheet? Bro, I GOT YOU. Have you picked out a ring? Because Katherine Victoria Kavanagh is particular as fuck about the ring she wants on her finger." Ana laughs.

"Oh I know how particular she can be, so that's why I need your help Steele. What does she like, I can't exactly ask her." The poor fucker is so lost.

"Take our your phone and google the following: Tiffany Soleste Pear Engagement Ring... she loves that ring minus the diamonds set in the band. It doesn't have to be from Tiffany's it just has to look like that, again MINUS the diamonds set in the band, that's an important detail. Oh and her ring size is 6, we both share rings all the time so that's how I know." She laughs.

"Damn Steele, thanks you're saving my life." Elliot takes a huge breath. I also find this particularly enlightening for myself.

"When are you thinking of asking her?" Ana asks.

"I wan thinking maybe next month? On her birth.."

"DO NOT SAY BIRTHDAY, GREY!" Ana raises her voice. I have to laugh but also, holy fuck she is scary.

"Shit ... why not?" Elliot looks lost again.

"Cause that shit is annoying as fuck. No grown ass woman wants to be asked that shit on their birthday. Your birthday should always be your own day. No sharing. You can definitely ask her over the weekend I guess, but not on that day. Kate will kill you and then I will kill you again to make sure you're dead." Ana is serious.

Elliot looks to me "Uh dude, this one is fucking scary."

I quietly nod. "You have no idea Lelliot, you have no fucking idea."

"Where are you going to propose to her? Are you going away or are you going to ask her in Seattle?" Ana changes track.

"I'm actually not sure how to do this. Maybe my apartment?"

"Okay good, don't propose to her in public because she will say no just to make your life miserable, she hates that shit. Is your apartment clean? If not, get that entire place cleaned professionally, cause last time I was there I saw some dust mites. Just keeping it real, bro. Get some nice candles, I'll text you her favorite kind, you can cook if you want to but it's better to maybe get it made, it's one less thing to worry about. Wine and dine her like the Queen she is. You will also need some floral arrangements, I will put you in touch with a florist. And for god's sake write out what you intend to say and memorize it, or at least the essence of it, I can help with you that if you want but don't talk off the cuff the day of if you have trouble expressing yourself." Ana says as she walks away to put in the remaining batch of cookies and sets the timer.

Elliot looks to me "Good luck proposing to this one." I swallow, I kind of already did but now I'm realizing that I need to step up my game.

Ana makes it back in time to hear what Elliot says and interjects "He'll be fine, I already told him I'm not into proposal gestures like that, I'm letting him off the hook easy." She laughs. "By the way, did you ask her dad for his blessing."

"Not yet, but I will..." Elliot responds but I hear the nerves.

"Good, cause you don't want him to take out his shotgun."

"He better not have a fucking shotgun" I grumble.

"No I mean... sorry, every father has a shotgun equivalent. Eamon has the press and therefore an expose, your dad has restraining order and lawsuits and my dad... well god bless his soul, he had a real shotgun with a git off my lawn speech, so Christian, honey... you are safe but I can't promise what shotguns my cousins will have." She winks at us and laughs out loud.

We all join her. Fuck, I don't even want to think how I would've survived meeting Raymond Steele.

Elliot laughs out loud. "Steele, you're a fucking godsend, thanks so much. I was hoping to throw a surprise party for her the next day at Mom and Dad's."

"I LOVE SURPRISE PARTIES. Throwing them... not being on the receiving end of them. Please say there will be dancing!"

"Oh... so you're that kind of human. The no fun kind" Elliot sneers.

"Shut up!" Ana whines.

"Of course there will be dancing, I mean, look at who you are talking to."

Elliot ends up staying for dinner and we order in turkish food. It's a blast, Ana just makes everyting so fucking effortless. They mostly talk while I randomly participate here and there, I just watch Ana and laugh. At one point they get up and act out a song by a guy named Pitbull, I am so lost but it's fucking hilarious. Ana can match anyone's vibe and make their inner child come out.

"Elliot, when did you know she was the one?" Ana asks as we pick up the dishes.

"I knew it in Cabo, I just was too chicken shit to approach her, I mean don't get me wrong, I'm smooth operator with the ladies but Kate scared the shit out of me but she's a force to be reckoned with. I see how she is with you... if she's like that for a friend then I know she'd move mountains for family.

"Yeah, she's a lifeline for me." She says with tears in her eyes."I'm so happy we're going to be family. I can't wait till you guys have babies!" Ana laughs.

"CHILL OUT STEELE, we've got a few years till that." Elliot laughs.

We head to the elevator to say goodbye to Elliot and I tell Ana I'll accompany him to his car and be right up.

"I'm happy for you Lelliot." I say as the elevator makes it's way down.

"Thanks bro... who would've thought... Elliot Samuel Grey, ladies man becoming a one lady man." Elliot laughs like a frat boy.

"Yeah, but I guess only a Kavanagh could tie you down." I smirk and Elliot laughs out loud.

"Look at you bro, Ana has turned you into a comedian."

I chuckle. "Yeah I guess, she did say I have decent one liners."

We walk to his car. "I sort of asked Ana to marry me too... last weekend."

Elliot's eyes almost fall out of his face. "AND? WELL? TELL ME?"

"She said yes but asked us to wait. She wants to go to therapy to work out shit out. Don't tell mom and dad yet, I just... well I wanted to tell you."

Elliots pulls me in for a hug. "Bro, I'm fucking proud of you. Look at us suckers. Grey men, the unattainable... fucking whipped and shit... oohhhh wait... but you like that." Elliot raises his eyebrows.

I laugh. "Fuck off Lelliot."

"You know, there's one thing I didn't mention to Ana about my knowing about Kate being the one."

"What?"

"You can't tell her, it's nothing bad but it's important to help you understand the level of love Kate has for Ana, I know she can be extremely in your face but it all comes from a place of wanting to protect those you love, you both have that quality...so you know that they met in college right? Kate was two years ahead and when it came time for her to graduate, Kate was supposed to move to Seattle and start to learn to take over for her dad but after everything with Ana she told her dad she wanted to stay in Portland and do her Masters and work at a local newspaper for a bit to gain experience. She didn't have to do that but she did because Ana meant so much to her. She put her life on hold. Who the fuck does that? Like... I don't know it just fucking floored me you know. They really have each other's backs. Ana has been more of a mom to Kate than her own mom ever was. I don't now man... like that's fucking dedication bro. That kind of love... not everyone has the capacity to feel or give it. Kate says Ana taught her that." I see him overcome with emotion but he shakes his head. Fuck... this is intense. "Anyway... yeah, that's the woman I want by my side for life."

"I really am happy for you Lelliot. Good luck on the proposal."

"Oh yeah... thanks. Fuck, I can't mess this up... not looking forward to talking to Eamon though. Kate's his baby... fuck, if I ever have a daugher I might just never let her leave the house."

"You and me both, Lelliot." I laugh.

* * *

_Monday, February 10th, 2020._

**CPOV**

We end a conference call when everyone gets up to leave from my office. Ros hangs back.

"So boss, how was your weekend?"

I roll my eyes. "It was good Ros, thank you for asking. I trust yours was good too."

"My my so polite and dare I say... personable." Ros says with mock surprise placing her hand on her chest and within a second falls back into her usual self. "Mine was good, I didn't get divorced so there's still hope."

I laugh. As hard as the pregnancy has been on Gwen it's also provided a little entertainment at the expense of Ros.

"What are you doing for lunch? Feel free to stop by my office, your lady wil be there." Ros wiggles her eyebrows.

"Fuck off, Ros." I try to stifle a grin.

"Jose and Val will be there too but it's easy to ignore them. I do it all the time." Ros laughs.

"Do you have lunch with them often?"

"Not really, once every two weeks, I try to block out a day here and there to relax and be a little normal. Helps keep the balance. We're on a group text too but it's mostly us just sending each other dirty memes."

"How did you get close with Jose."

"Well aside from the fact that gays stick together we found out that our moms went to the same high school in San Juan way back when. My mom moved to New York for college and his mom moved to California and they lost touch. When Jose got hired, I met him through Travis we started talking and then he once saw a picture of mom at the apartmen and he recognized her from some of the pictures his mom had... unfortunately his mom passed away about 10 years ago from cancer but when he met her it was like mom was in high school again, she told us stories and shit... it was cute. So yeah, Jose and I are close friends now, it helps me slow down a bit and not be a raging workaholic. It's great."

"Wow, that's... I didn't know that."

"Yeah well, hanging with mere mortals does have it's advantages." Ros sneers.

**APOV**

I send out my usual Monday cookie email and reply back to the winners to come pick up their boxes from my desk because I have lunch plans with my GEH gang. I love that we're able to include Ros too whenever her schedule allows it which usually happens very last minute and I'm ecsatic when it does.

I see Jose walk out of the kitchen and saunter towards me with that cat ate the canary face.

"Well, well... asexual we are no more." Jose whispers to me with a shit eating grin on his face.

"Shut the fuck up" I whisper back.

"Good weekend?" He bats his eyelashes.

"Very good, thank you for asking." I bat my eyelashes back.

"I hope you had a lot of protein, you've been looking a little weak there..."

"Fuck off Rodriguez."

"What, I've signed both NDA's now, you owe me details."

"I don't kiss and tell."

"Apparently you don't blow and tell either."

"I'm going to kill you." I whisper yell at him with clenched teeth.

"Oh come on... tell your girl. It's been a while since I heard a good story... tell me, are those buns as fresh as they look?" he bats his eyelashes again.

"Will you stop dong that. Everything is incredibly fresh, there... happy?" I say trying not to giggle like a school girl. _Please leave me alone._

"Oooh girl, I see those cheeks flaming up. Looks like a lot of fresh stuff happened this weekend."

My mind wanders to this morning in the shower, on my knees... MUST. FOCUS.

I look up at Jose, trying to keep a straight face but I feel my lips tremble as I break into a smile making Jose laugh.

"Okay, listen. I'll stop annoying you but you have got to tell me SOMETHING. Tomorrow, dinner, my place... just us girls. And you can tell us all the other stuff too." Jose is all but pleading at this point.

"DEAL!"

"Good. What do you want to get for lunch?"

"Turkey avocado sandwich with spicy mayo?"

"Got it, I'll have it delivered and meet you in Ros's office."

"Cool, I'll meet you there."

I get back to work and slowly but surely all my cookie winners come through to pick up their prize.

CG: Ros invited me to lunch in her office with your little crew.

AS: Oh god, this feels like the twilight zone. Jose will lose his shit.

CG: As long as it's entertaining, I don't mind.

AS: I can't believe they know.

CG: Aren't you relieved?

AS: So relieved but also this means I'll be teased relentlessly.

CG: Consider it payback.

AS: I'll get my revenge, Mr. Grey. Just you wait.

CG: Miss Steele, you talk a big game.

AS: Mr. Grey... I think I've proven to be a worthy adversary, time and time again. I think you're a glutton for punishment at this point.

CG: Oh baby... those are dangerous words.

AS: Maybe, maybe not. We'll just have to see how YOU fare tonight ;)

**CPOV**

"Sir, are you available to meet for 10 minutes. I have some information I'd like to discuss with you regarding the recent background checks."

"I'm in my office. Come up. Andrea will let you through."

It's about fucking time. Our initial background check on Akash Rahman, didn't reveal much. All he did was party throughout his undergrad at Harvard and barely got through, has three restraining orders and 2 DUI's on his records but then gets into business school the same time as Vishaal and suddenly, he's a fucking choirboy too. He may not be getting any money from the deal with GEH but if has an ounce of a brain in that head of his, he's made the necessary arrangements to cater to his lifestyle of throwing money around. I look out the window trying to figure out how the fuck I can bury these assholes. I need to get them on something. _Vishaal has had to have made mistakes. Think about it, Grey, you're not the only one thinking of how to protect yourself... if you've managed to keep everything you have and own and done under wraps... so can he._

"Sir. Thank you for meeting with me." Welch, walks in with Taylor.

"What's the latest and please tell me you have something good."

"Sir, we've been running through both of Vishaal and Akash's financials for the past 7 years. It appears that about 6 years ago they both started siphoning money off to offshore accounts in the amount of anywhere from $20-30 million a year to the Cayman Islands in addition to large amounts of cash withdrawals every year in the amount of close to $250,000. It started off at $100,000 5 years ago and has slowly increased to $250,000 as of last year. It's not that much given their net worth. On a separate note, Phoebe Richmond has been discharged from the psychiartic facility in San Jose on accounts of rehabilitation and good behavior after completing her 3 years. Leila Williams and Susannah Blake picked her up and have taken her as a roommate. They moved into a new apartment in downtown San Jose."

"What the fuck?"

"The building that they are living in is owned by a shell company, that was in turn owned by several other shell companies. We did a deep dive and found the parent company, Saphirars registered in the British Virgin Islands. We were able to locate a Swiss bank account but we are still looking to find the company owners."

"How are they paying rent?"

"We hacked in to the rental office system and it appears they are paying their rent in cash. I believe Miss Williams and Miss Blake have been contracted. They've been making small cash deposits of $7500 - 9000 a month, the amount varies. Everything is on cash."

"What about their acitivities? Who are they meeting?"

"Aside from the money, nothing has seemed suspect so far. Miss Williams has continued to teach art classes at the local community college after the death of her boyfriend and she goes to therapy. Miss Blake got a job at an upscale restaurant down there after leaving Seattle. Miss Williams works there too. We've checked their emails and phone logs. Nothing."

"How recent is all this?" This is so fucking frustrating.

"The move is recent as this past weekend. The deposits have been in effect since the first week of January."

"You think Akash and Vishaal are somehow connected."

"It's hard to say sir. They haven't met with them or been anywhere near their location. Nor have these women left San Jose, either since we started monitoring them again."

"I want more information on Saphirars. Do whatever you have to do. If it means hacking into KGI And AHAK to find even the tiniest breadcrumb, do it."

"Sir... we'll continue to dig but I will have to advise against hacking into KGI and AHAK... if we get caught it could be seen as an unprovoked attack."

FUCK. There has to be something.

"Welch, how secure are our servers?"

"Sir, no one's getting in and if they even try to, we'll catch them."

"Mr. Grey, it is very likely KGI and AHAK have the exact same safeguards that we do if not better and if those two are involved with Saphirars, chances are they've kept it far from the family business." Taylor pipes up.

He's right but I need to bury both of them in the ground.

"I want everything you can find on Saphirars and all the companies they own. What investements they're making. Everything. I want those fuckers monitored, where they go, who they meet. Activity reports. Anything seems suspect, I want to know immediately." I tell them.

"Yes sir. Vishaal hasn't returned to the US yet but as soon as their jet takes off we'll know the flight plan and monitor him."

"Where's Akash?"

"He's in New York staying with a friend. Jack Rothstein. All three were in business school together."

I nod. He better not step foot in Seattle. My patience is wearing thin. "Rothstein?" I ask, sounds familiar.

"Rothstein family, owner of Rothstein Group. Owner of several lucrative properties, majority in New York and their portfolio is spread across the world. Net worth $18 Billion as of 2019."

Interesting. "Do they own anything in Seattle? I want a ful report on them."

"Yes sir."

"How long has it been since Williams and Blake were last contracted?"

"According to they bank statements, not since you, Sir." That doesn't fucking help at all.

"Let me know what you find."

"Sir, if I may?" Taylor asks.

"Perhaps Miss Steele can help with gaining access, if she's close to someone in the family enough to have them do an internal investigation?"

"I'll look into it though but I highly doubt it." There's no way Ana would ruffle any feathers. And I don't know anyone in that family at all to make such a big ask.

They both leave and I try and take a deep breath. I need to meet with Flynn. I have other shit I need to discuss with him. This weekend was... intense... in a good way. Shairng that moment with Ana was spiritual but it's made me question things. Question my motives in the past. I can't let this distract me right now.

"Boss." I hear Ros through my office phone.

"Yeah?"

"Are you joining us for lunch?"

"Yeah, I'll be there in 5."

I go and pour myself a drink. It's 5pm somewhere. After a few minutes I walk out to Ros's office. I tell Andrea I'll be back in 45 minutes.

I take my on the conference table in Ros's office, while Jose and Val unpack the orders lunch for us. It's deli sandwiches of different kinds. We start to eat and talk a little bit about Lot 43 and the issues that Real Estate has been facing trying to close the deal.

"Hi guys!" Ana walks in smiling brightly holding what I am pretty sure is beet juice.

"Oh god, not again." Jose groans.

"Is that?" Ros begins.

"Yes it is." Ana states simply.

Do you have to?"

"I do."

"But why?" Ros whines.

"Because it's good for your health and puts color on cheeks, Rosalyn."

"You sounds like a Mom." Ros rolls her eyes.

"Trust me, when baby Bailey learns the word 'why?' you too will say stuff like this and sound like a Mom." Ana sneers.

Ana takes her seat next to me and gives me a sweet smile. "You wanna try?" She holds her drink to me.

"Mr. Grey as your counsel, I strongly advise you to not drink that shit." Jose grumbles making me laugh a little.

"Well, I would suggest opposing counsel to shut the fuck and eat his sandwich. Mr. Grey is a grown man and can do whatever he wants." Ana fires back and we all laugh.

I take a sip of her drink and it's actually really good. "That's not bad at all."

"SEE! I have brought another one to the dark side." She throws her fist in the air in victory. While everyone else at the table groans.

"Ohhhh by the way, I forgot to tell you, Jose. Sawyer isn't my cousin. He's my CPO."

"Well thank the Lord. He's too cute to be related to you."

"Leave him alone, he's a nice guy."

"No promises, hag."

Ana and Jose bicker half the time over trivial things. They talk about a tv show that I know nothing about and while I have nothing to contribute it still feels good to be a part of this. Every now and then she looks at me and gives me a sweet smile.

"So Ros, did you and Gwen decided on a name for Baby Bailey?" Ana asks.

"We've narrowed it down to three so far. Emilia, Emma and Sarah."

"They're beautiful. Emilia is my favorite." Ana smiles.

"Yeah, I like Emilia too." Val shares.

"These names are too white." Jose groans.

"Jose, everything is too white fo you." Ana snaps back.

"Watch yourself hag."

"Do you both ever not fight" I ask, thoroughly amused.

"Honestly, Mr. Grey, she started it. I was just a nice guy, trying to welcome her but she had to be all Miss Defensive... "

"Listen to me, they way you walked over to my desk and started asking me random questions without introducing yourself... what was I to expect. And also, I thought you were straight... which you can be very convincing at... I thought you being you know... every office has that guy who's overly friendly with the ladies and shit."

"Honey, the only thing I wanted were your shoes."

"Yes, you made that VERY clear after I shut you down and admit, you thought I was going to beat the shit out of you."

"Bullshit."

"It's okay Ana, he did the same to me." Val giggles.

"Please tell me this story."

"It was about 3 years ago, I hadn't seen him before so I figured he was new to the company and we had to meet in one of the conference rooms to go over some stuff for this deal we were working on and he kept staring at my clothes and I was like... what the fuck is your problem and he so sincerely says... I was just trying to figure out if your top is from Carolina Herrera's latest collection and I burst out laughing."

"It was a genuine question." Jose rolls his eyes.

We all laugh.

"No but seriously, I liked Val, I knew I wanted her as hag. I have an instinct about these things." Jose laughs.

"So how do you both like working here?" I ask.

They both look at me like I've grown two heads.

"Please be honest." I urge them.

Val clears her throat and begins. "I like it here. They first year was a bit lonely but I started to get into the groove of things and then in my second year I met Jose and it's great. I like the work I do. It's challenging and the benefits are good and I've finally settled in Seattle, it took a while but this place grew on me." Val ends with a shrug.

"Well, the fashion here is dreadful. Which why I only have two hags and Ros here is my King." Jose says matter of factly. And we all laugh. "but in all seriousness, it's just how corporate america is. I live for what I do. I wanted to work here and thanked my lucky stars when I got the job. No deal is ever the same and I love it. The thrill for me lies in the challenge. I know I may seem like I'm always joking around but I'm only like this with people I know and in safe spaces like right now. Out there, when I'm a lawyer for GEH, all this..." he points to himself. "It's all Clint Eastwood dealing with a bunch of punks."

Ana hands fly to her face to try and stop herself from laughing. I look to her laughing and she giggles.

"He's not lying. I've seen him in action. He's top notch. He's the like the Quarterback and Mr. Travis is the Coach." Ana says proudly and high fives him.

"Did you just allude to me as the Principal in this scenario again, Miss Steele?" I ask

She shrugs. "I mean if the shoe fits. Everything is like highschool anyway if you think about it." She laughs.

"Well I'm glad you like working here, thank you for all you've done for GEH."

Valerie smiles geniunely and nods.

"All in a day's work. That bonus better be in play though, I don't joke around about that shit." Jose sips on his coke.

We all laugh.

...

Ana and I get done with dinner and retreat to the couch with wine and tea. I love that this has become our tradition after a work day. We relax and talk, I never knew it could be like this. I didn't think that this existed.

She climbs on top of me and kisses me all over.

"I'm so happy you came to our little lunch today." She smiles down at

"I enjoyed myself, I haven't had a work lunch that made me laugh."

"I'm so happy to hear that. They're really amazing people. Watching them work is a thrill, they're so good at what they do and can be complete goofballs the next minute when we're alone. It's a great balance."

"I'm glad you've found a family at GEH."

"You're at the heart of that family now Mr. Grey." She smiles, running her hand through my hair and gives me a deep kiss.

We talk some more. "Grandpa Theo called today. He asked about you." I tell her.

"Hmm, that's funny, Grandma Margot called me today and she asked about you. She was pissed at Grandpa Theo." She laughs.

"I didn't know she had your number?"

She snorts. "Please, it was like one of the first things we did. Girl talk is essential at any age, Mr. Grey."

I have to laugh. "Miss Steele, should I be worried?"

"Nahhhh, we were just catching up. She was asking about you and she showed me her little garden that she's been tending to at your Uncle's place. She sends me pictures every now and then and I respond with the same. Grandpa Theo texts me every now and then too. Mostly tells me to smack you up the head if you annoy me. And we've made plans to go out on a cofee date when he visits again." She laughs.

"Sounds like him, he's such a flirt." I chuckle. "He'd smack both Elliot and I up the head when we would fight. It would shut us up for a hour or so till we found something else to fight about."

"Do you miss him?"

"Yeah, I haven't spent time with him in a while. I've been so busy with all this... "

"Well, when it gets warmer, let's plan a family trip or something or you can plan a boys trip and go rough it out or glamp it out in the wilderness."

"Glamp it out?"

"Oh yeah, glamping is like glamorous, luxurious camping with 3 ply, quilted toilet paper and all the amenities you could think of but just in the middle of nature."

I roll my eyes. "That sounds like something Mia would agree to."

She laughs out loud. "Mia and Kate both. If they had to rough it out in the wilderness... they'd scream the trees down and cause deforestation."

Her phone rings and she climbs off of me.

"It's Rania." She answers. "Hey Rani.. oh wait, is that my gremlin." I see Aria staring at the phone with her big brown eyes and a big smile.

"Aana Khala issshhhh gemlinnn." She cheers.

"I know I see her. Did you mama give you chocolate again?"

"LISTEN to me, I had a conference call with the Australian office and she wouldn't leave me be so I gave her some chocolate and turned on netflix for like, peace of mind. Trust me, when you have kids you'll do the same."

Ana laughs. "Okay, we'll see. So what's the problem?"

"She won't sleep. I gave her a bath and she started yapping your name like a duck. I've been trying to get her to sleep for the past half hour and she's not having it."

"Have you tried using your inside voice to hype her down?"

"How about I use my inside voice to tell you to shut the eff up." Rania sasses and Ana laughs.

"Okay, turn the phone to her." Aria's face comes into view and she claps. "Gremlin... how about we go to sleep." Ana fake yawns and tells her how tired she is and asks her to snuggle into bed and makes her say a prayer thanking God for the blue sky, the sun, the food she ate, her parents and asks for sleep and to wake up to another beautiful day tomorrow. It's really beautiful. She ends up with singing a lullaby about snowflakes and it's adorable. Aria sings along with her completely out of tune with hand gestures and I have to smle. _Will our kids do the same?_

Once Aria calms down a bit and agrees to stay in bed, Rania turns on her nightlight and says good night to her and walks out of her room.

"THANKS GIRL... "

"Anytime boo."

"So, how's mister one hunnid" She wiggles her eyebrows.

"Oh god. He's fine."

"Are you guys together, I want to see you guys. HI CHRISTIAN!" She yells.

Ana looks to me and rolls her eyes.

"Hi Rania, I've heard a lot about you." I say. Ana brings the phone and suddenly we're both in view.

"Of course you have, I'm like the best cousin in the family. Hold up, I need to get my sunglasses, I'm being blinded by all this beauty you guys are serving me with." Rania laughs. "Hi Christian, it's so good to meet you. You must come to SF with Aana the next time she visits." She says with warmth.

"Sure thing, we were talking about it yesterday, I guess when Nani comes back we'll visit then,"

"Perfect. I can't wait. Aana, definitely let me know when plans finalize."

"I will, apa."

I decide to tease Ana a little.

"Oh by the way, Rania..."

"Yeah?"

"Ana m'a dit que tu parlais français." _Ana told me you speak french._

"OH HELL NO..." Ana yells. And Rania and I laugh.

"Pourquoi oui je le fais" _Why yes I do_. Rania replies laughing and Ana narrows her eyes at me.

"Tu sais ce que ça veut dire." _You know what this means. _I smirk_._

"il est temps d'ennuyer Aana". _Time to annoy Aana. _She laughs.

"That's it. I'm ending this call." Ana threatens trying to stop her giggling.

"Oh please, this is a rite of passage, you teamed up with Raees against me, time for payback!" Rania laughs.

Ana and Rania talk for a little and then she ends the call.

"I see what you did there Mr. Grey."

"Miss Steele, I was just trying to get to know your family a little."

"A little, my ass." She sasses.

"So tell me, what did Rania call me?"

"She called you Mr. One Hunnid, as in Mr. 100." She rolls her eyes.

"Why?" I smirk.

She leans back into the sofa and covers her face trying not to laugh."Don't' worry it's all good."

I pull her hands from her face and she falls into uncontrollable laughter, face completely red in embarrassment. "okay, okay... wait... so, when I went to SF after the wedding and Rania came over to spend time with me and she was asking if I was happy with you and if you were sweet to me. You know all the big sister stuff and THENNNN she was like rate the dirty from 1-10! And I said between you and me, it's a solid 100... so now she calls you one hunnid."

"Is that so Miss Steele, such a generous rating?"

"Well yeah... unless you would like me amend it to bring it down to a more realistic number?"

"No... no, I agree with 100... though, I'm more than happy to help you show you what 200 looks like."I smirk.

"I think I got a glimpse of 200 this weekend." She giggles.

We get up and go to take a bath and relax some more.

"I spoke with Nita today." She shares.

"How was it?"

"It was okay, she told me about the Will reading. I asked her if she was happy with it. She said, she has always trusted in Nana's decision and wisdom."

"Has she ever questioned him?"

"Never. Her relationship with Nana was a lot like mine with Ray. She adored him and she was his baby you know." She says with a small voice. "Anything he's ever done was in what he thought was her best interest. Just like any parent does... "

"Did you share you concerns with her?"

"Nope, I wasn't asked and therefore I didn't share. I mean even if I was asked, I would've said that it is what it is you know. It's fine." She takes a deep breath.

I have so many questions I want to ask her but I don't want to bring her down.

"Are you looking forward to the Gala?" I ask, kissing her shoulder.

"Yeah. I mean, it'll be my first Gala." She giggles.

"What are you wearing?"

"I've been texting with Caroline since this morning. We decided on two dresses. We'll see."

"Can I see the options?"

"Nope. You will see on the day of." she says defiantly.

"Why?"

She shrugs. "Payback. Punishment." She giggles.

"Careful, Miss Steele, my palm is twitching."

"Careful Mr. Grey, I can outrun you, given your old age and all." She throws her head back giggling and I bite her neck. _My playful girl is never far away._

* * *

Authors Note: This was a bit of a filler chapter. Waking up to the abuse threw me off for a bit. I hope you all are doing well. My head hurts from trying to keep up with the news and the grim and bleak outlook given covid-19. thinking of you all. please stay safe and inside.


	38. Chapter 38

Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU to every SINGLE HUMAN BEING who left a review and send me PMs with encouragement. I am so humbled. Thank you for seeing this story for what it is... as fanficition. Thank you for following along. It means the world to me.

* * *

Chapter 38 – The Game of Love.

_Tuesday, February 11__th__, 2020._

**CPOV:**

"Long time no see, Christian." John says as we take our respective seats.

"You saw me on Friday night, John." I roll my eyes.

"You know what I mean... so, lay it all out for me. What's on your mind?"

I take swallow and take a deep breath. So much is on my fucking mind. When I'm with Ana, I'm calm. Nothing bothers me that much. I'm in the moment, I'm fully present and I'm safe. As soon as we're apart, I feel that shift. That need for order, control and stability. It's a different need. Before Ana it was the BDSM. It was the need for emotionless sex and punishing sessions. Purely physical. With Ana, it's the need for her. She's a balm, a calming presence. Even when it's an intense moment as long as we're together, in close proximity to each other... I feel a sense of calm.

"Christian?"

"I'm struggling." It's the only word that makes sense.

"With what exactly?"

"I had my first scene with Ana this past weekend."

"I see. Did something negative happen?

"Not during the scene but after, it's not entirely bad but it was something she said that got me thinking. I talked to her about it and she told me she had a vision of sorts. She went into subspace during the scene and I could tell she had, I looked into her eyes and I could tell she was in another... she wasn't here... I felt a connection with her, I have never felt that during a scene... I felt closer to her. I fell more in love with her" I stop for a few moments. "She told me she had this dream, a vision... of herself running through a field after a little boy, our son... and she felt me standing behind her caressing her belly as we looked at the little boy in front of us. He had my hair and Ana's eyes." Even just repeating all this has me filled with emotion.

"That sounds like a positive experience. I mean you said it was your first scene together."

"It was. We talked about it, it was a candid conversation but she asked me why she felt low after it was all over and I explained that she was experiencing a subdrop and that she needed to talk to me about whatever she was feeling so that I could take care of her. She asked me if I ever felt that way when I was a submissive and I told that when I did, I had to learn to channel into productivity but then said that my subs had to have felt this way too and I told her that my aftercare for them was elemental and not emotional and it was different with her because I loved her."

"That sounds about right. What seems to be bothering you about this exchange?"

"I could have shown a little more compassion to my submissives. When I told Ana that I had never experienced aftercare during subdrops she said I deserved to be cared for... I told her it was part of the manipulation I guess, I only realized it after she said that. How Elena suppressed my emotions... and then... I don't know it was just clear the extent of how much of a fucking asshole I've been."

"So you regret your treatment of your submissives?"

"A little. I know that we were consenting adults. Everything was negotiated. I understand all that but my intentions... my intentions have always been fucked up. I guess that's what has been slowly eating at me. I may not have gone beyond a safe word but I know I got off on inflicting pain. I know that I looked for ways to could punish them more than have sex with them. Even the sex had a punishment aspect to it. There is no real difference between the pimp who beat that shit out of my mother and what I did."

"Christian, I believe that is a gross generalization and unfair comparison. You cannot possibly compare yourself to a man who not only abused your birth mother and forced her into prostitution but also abused an innocent child. You said it yourself, you were consenting adults, if those women felt abused they would've terminated their contracts immediately. How many women terminated a contract with you?"

"Only one. Leila Williams."

"Because she fell in love with you and wanted more and when you told her that you couldn't offer that she immediately terminated the contract before you could. Right?"

"Yes."

"With the rest, you always terminated it. Correct?"

"Because they always wanted more or did shit to piss me off and were obsessed with harsher punishments."

"So you had a limit to your punishments even if they wanted it to be harsher?"

"Yes."

"What's really bothering you about this realization?"

"I've been lying to myself about what BDSM is really about. I tried, albeit a very introductory version of it with Ana and it was so much more. It meant so much more. I wanted to give her pleasure. I talked to her through everything, reminding her that I was there and she was safe. "

"Because you love her Christian. That's the main thing here."

"I know that. I told Ana that I never provided emotional aftercare to my subs because they were all experienced in the lifestyle and knew how to handle themselves and that I had no desire for that level of connection."

"Did Ana tell you that what you did was wrong? The lack of emotion?"

"No. Not at all. It was just how she said it. She felt for them... and it bothered me. Her saying that made me question myself and my motives. I know I used to say that I was sick fuck who beat women who looked like his mother for sexual pleasure but... I don't know John, I don't know why this is affecting me so much. It's all in the fucking past."

"Christian, introspection isn't a bad thing but letting it consume you is a disservice to yourself. This self loathing you're feeling... you can't hold on to it. I'll say this again, if you really were a sadist, which is what you're referring to essentially, then you would've caused some serious harm to these women and you didn't. You had limits, you did take care of these women, you gave them what they wanted within reason and within contract. They knew what they had signed up for and had the power to terminate these arrangements."

"I know. I guess, I just... when I see myself through Ana's eyes I feel undeserving of her."

"Has she recently said anything outright that's been negative?"

"No, it's been the opposite. I told her that I didn't think I'd be a good father and she reminded me of all my accomplishments and how I take care of the people in my life and that as long as I loved her, I would set a good example for my son and daughter and show them how to respect and love women and what to look for in a partner."

"Sounds about right."

"I want to be worthy of her, John."

"I think she's already made that decision, Christian. She wants you in you life. She's agreed to marry you."

"She doesn't need me like I need her."

"Is that what's really bothering you?"

"Yes."

"Christian, we spoke about this before. Ana has a strong network of relationships around her. This is still very new for you. As much as you love her, Ana cannot be your everything. She's also an individual who treasures her individuality. You have that in your professional and public life but in your private life, you've kept yourself isolated, you don't really have friends or a network outside of your personal employees and family. What I'm saying is that you need friends. You need to hangout with people as the kids say."

I laugh. "I don't even know how to be a friend. I mean... I had lunch with Ros and Ana's friends at GEH and it was entertaining. I didn't contribute much but having her there was... well it felt right. We both went to Ros's babyshower and I enjoyed myself but again only because she was there."

"Christian Grey at a baby shower? This I'd pay good money to see." He laughs.

I roll my eyes. "I actually participated in some of the games. You'd be proud."

"Christian, honestly, in the last 3 months you've had a lot of breakthroughs. You need to appreciate your journey. You'll get there. We're all a work in progress. "

**APOV **

I just finished telling Jose, Val and Phillip everything. I didn't cry. I just said it all. Now they're looking at me. Stunned. Fuck, there's that look again. Now I feel the tears forming

"Please don't look at me like that. I'm fine now, I'm healed."

"Ana... I'm..." Jose stammers.

Val gets up and envelopes me in a crushing hug. "I'm sorry." She whispers and on cue the dam bursts. Fuck. Why the fuck am I crying? _Get it together, Steele._

Jose and Phillip come in for a hug too and we all sit close to each other and Jose holds my hand.

"Does Christian know all this?" Val asks in a heavy voice.

"Yeah he does."

"Please tell me he's doing something to bring that motherfucker down."

"Val, it's complicated. It would cause a lot of rifts in the family. I cannot let one person ruin everything I have with that family and blow everything up... everything's connected. The business, the relationships... it's messy."

"Bullshit, he deserves to be in jail. In solitary confinement." Val is seething.

"Val, I understand what Ana is saying. Look, you guys already know this I was molested by my mom's younger brother; my own uncle, who was supposed to be a protector and a father figure to me. Just like Ana's cousin who made her believe he was a brother. I never could tell my mom. That fucker died and I still couldn't tell her. Some of it's fear and some of it's to prevent more heartbreak not only in terms of your family finding out but also for yourself because it's heartbreaking to seem them go through the guilt." Jose shares. He gets it. Finally, someone gets it.

Phillip hugs Jose, while Val shakes her head and a new wave of tears fall from her eyes.

"Is he good to you Ana, Christian? Is he a good guy?" Val asks with a heavy and wavering voice.

"He's the best, Val. I was initially apprehensive but I think us meeting at the wedding was good. I mean, he wasn't a billionaire or my boss and I wasn't his employee, we got to know each other as ourselves in this little bubble. He's completely different than the person we see at work. He's extremely private, yes but he has his reasons. Otherwise he is a really good guy. He's made me so happy and he cherishes me." I smile at her and she nods.

Jose snorts. "With buns like that and a bank account to match he better be making you happy."

We fall into a fit of laughter.

"Tell us Steele, how good is it?" Jose wiggles his eyebrows.

"It's good. Like, REALLY good. That's all I'm gonna say."

"BITCH I WANT DETAILS"

"Why are you so interested in my hetero sex life?"

"I'm interested in gossip. SPILL."

"Isn't it enough that I'm not longer Asexual Steele?"

"When are you gonna trap his ass?"

"When the time is right. I'll trap it. Right now, I just want to be a girlfriend and have fun. Being a wife can wait for a bit."

"DIOS MIO DIS BITCH WANTS ME TO DIE. I am looking for a lifetime hookup girl, hurry up and get married so we can cash in on this connection." Jose is dead serious at this point and I have to laugh.

"Yes Jose, I will get married so that you all can wine, dine and shop like a bunch of Queens on my black amex tab."

"See, now you get it. I knew you'd see it my way... though, I'll still be the ONLY Queen in this little group." Jose sings as he takes a big sip of his wine.

We fall into our rhythm of conversation and discuss what we're wearing at the Gala. I show them my dress options and Jose gives more than his two cents. I offer them to join me in getting ready and Jose all but jumps at the chance to be treated like royalty. I'm suddenly so excited about tomorrow.

...

I got home around 10pm and took a quick shower and set out my clothes for the next day when I get a call from Christian.

"Hey baby..." He croons and on cue I'm a mess.

"Hi you, what's up?"

"Nothing much, what are you doing?"

"I just got done with a quick shower and now I'm eating some ice-cream straight from the pint like a heathen. You?"

He laughs. I love it when he laughs. He looks and sounds so young and I want more of it.

"What flavor?"

"Your favorite, vanilla." I giggle.

"True, it is my favorite. I wouldn't mind some of it right now to be honest."

"Is this a booty call, Grey?" I laugh.

"Miss Steele, I would really like it to be."

"You want me to come over?" I giggle.

"No, I'll come over."

"Wait, you're serious?" He better not be playing with me... my body will not be happy if this is a drill.

"Miss Steele, do I sound like I'm joking?" There's that serious Dom voice but I sense a hint of amusement.

"No sir, you don't." I giggle.

"I will be there in 15 minutes."

"I'll see you then." I say as sweetly as I can.

Fuck, I should change out these panda pajamas and wear something sexy. God, I'm pathetic, I'm 24 and this is my first booty call experience and I'm giggling like a schoolgirl about it. He makes everything so exciting.

I run into my room and realize I left most of the lingerie stuff that I got with Caroline Acton at Christian's place. These panda pajamas will not do. I still have the robe he got me from Japan. I'll just wear that with nothing underneath... it'll help get to the point quicker.

I fix my hair and now I wait. The anticipation is killing me. Thank God Kate is at Elliot's. I miss my best friend but I like the idea of being alone with Christian in the apartment too.

I eat a few more spoons of ice-cream and head back into my room to listen to some music and lightly apply some perfume. I play some music to relax myself and bide the time. I'm so nervous and excited. I can't help but rolls my eyes at myself.

_Rising like the smoke  
You linger on me  
You got me so high  
I can finally breathe  
You're walking poetry  
It's what you do to me  
It's what you do to me  
Touch me with no hands  
Hold me with your eyes  
Unwind me with your mind tonight  
Speak with no words  
Show me and I'm all yours  
Show me and I'm all yours_

I'm going through instagram and catching up on what the world is up to when I hear the door knock. Fuck, he's here. Why is it that you always have the urge to giggle or laugh at the wrong time?

He's late. He's 6 minutes late.

I open the door slightly and fuck me... why is this man so hot? All he's wearing is a pair of black jeans with a white tee and a black leather jacket with that signature smirk. The ultimate bad boy and he's all mine.

Must. Remain. Calm. And. Collected. Do. Not. Smile. Girl. Of. Steele.

I signal him to enter.

"You're six minutes late." I say with a raised eyebrow. DO NOT SMILE, ANA.

"Excuse me?" Oh shit, there's that Dom voice from the weekend.

"You heard me." I try not to smile but I end up laughing.

"Miss Steele, I have to say, I do not like your tone."

I roll my eyes. "Well, I don't like to be kept waiting." Take that, Grey.

**CPOV**

"Did you roll your eyes at me?"

"Yep." She says defiantly.

"That's impolite, I think you need a spanking to remind you of your manners." I say with slight aggression, pushing against the wall. I'm so fucking turned on right now. All she's wearing is the robe I got her and I can see her hardened nipples through the silk fabric.

"And just how many will remind me of my place?" She's even more defiant, raising an eyebrow and looking me dead in the eye.

"5 should do it."

Her breathing has changed and her skin is on fire. I can feel her heat as I lower my lips to hover over hers.

"Yes sir." She moans. Fuck me she's so good. I grab her hand and drag her to the bedroom, I hear her giggle as she tries to keep up with me. It makes me smile. She's always playful. I let go off her hand and take off my jacket and place my bag down by her closet. Her room is still bathed in red light from that night.

"Look at me." She raises face to look at me. "Take off your robe." She opens it slowly and slips it off her shoulders. She's completely naked. My jeans are now suffocating me.

I sit down on her bed and hold my hand out for her to take and take her across my knee.

"Why am I spanking you Anastasia?"

"Because I rolled my eyes." She says innocently. Fuck, my dick is begging for her and I don't know if I'll last. I'm going to have to learn how to control myself all over again.

"And is that polite?"

"No sir."

"Now, you're going to count with me."

"Yes sir."

I lay it on her one after one and she counts. After the last one, I quickly check and am pleasantly surprised to find that she's completely drenched. She never disappoints. Before I lift to pin her down to the bed, she straddles me and kisses me roughly, biting my bottom lip. I can't help but let her.

She looks into my eyes "fuck me sir, make me scream."

Holy fuck, I love this woman, she's always surprising me. "Topping from the bottom Miss Steele, I see how it is." I say and she giggles. I pin her down to the bed and kiss her roughly as she opens her legs, inviting me to take her. I quickly unzip position myself and slam into her hard. She gasps and moan into my mouth, I can feel her smile. I place my hands on either side of her head and push into her. She throws her head back and moans. She looks back up at me with such a fire in her eyes "Harder, sir, please." She bites her lip and I almost come at the sight. I attack her mouth again and fuck her as hard as I can. We come together and it's loud and raw and everything that I knew it could possibly ever be with her. She's so fucking good.

I lie next to her panting "baby, where have you been all my life?"

She giggles and looks to me and shrugs one shoulder "I've been around... mostly stalking your ass" with such sass. I grab her face and kiss her deeply.

"Miss Steele, I'm completely under your spell now."

She giggles. "I know, mission accomplished" and she pulls me to kiss her again. "This was quite a booty call experience to remember, thank you Mr. Grey."

"We aim to please, Miss Steele. Another first for us."

"Good luck finding a charm for that." She laughs out loud.

After another round, we clean up and soon lie in bed facing each other as we recap our day. She tells me about her dinner with Jose and Valerie and how it all went. She sounds and looks relieved now that they know.

"How was your session with Flynn? You don't have to tell me specifics, I just wanted to know if it was a good session or not?" she smiles as she runs her hand through my hair.

Do I tell her about my realization with the subs. Do I need to? It's not worth it. It's all in the past. I need to move forward now. I need to move forward with Ana. She's all that matters.

"It was good. He made me realize that I need to expand my personal life. I need... more friends. He's been saying that for years actually but it's the first time I've heard him I guess... and that I can't possibly expect you to be everything for me."

"Do you agree with his assessment?"

"I don't know. I've never had... friends. I never sought out those connections. I knew that relationships like that would have expectations that I could never meet. I didn't want to talk, I wanted to be alone and... on the other hand I got what I wanted from the lifestyle. I never looked to expand my life beyond that and my family... till you."

"I understand that. It's one of the reasons why I never wanted to date in college or... I guess ever. A romantic relationship would have had expectations that I couldn't possibly fulfill given everything I had been through. John is right, we can't be each other's everything but we can be incredibly important for each other. We can be each other's anchor. " She places her hand on my cheek and give me a small kiss.

"As for the friendships, that will take time for you to open up and shed this image you've established. I mean you're a sweetheart, you're funny... not as funny as me but like I'd rate you at a solid 5 maybe." She giggles.

"Why thank you for the realistic rating Miss Steele. Way to wound a guy's ego."

"Just keeping it real Grey, you have enough people inflating your ego." She sticks her tongue out at me. "No but seriously, friendships are a lot of give and take, you choose your friends, yes but... it's like Kate and I, we're so different but we're also so alike. We've influenced each other. I saw a lot the spark I used to have in myself when I was a kid. I mean yeah we both had complicated relationships with our mothers and we bonded on that but Kate... I think she's a lot like you in many ways. She takes no prisoners, she accomplishes whatever she sets her mind to. She's dreamt a very big life for herself. I was the complete opposite and there were things that she did that I never agreed with but I had to realize that she was a good person and we had similar values... who just did things a little differently from me. As long as her and I shared some very important core values... the other stuff... was just that... other stuff. Every relationship requires expansion and contraction of your personality and most of all, friendships like romantic relationships require patience. Something that I don't think you've really had to deal with."

"Yeah, I haven't. Patience has never been my strong suit."

"You know we have a saying. _Sabar ka phal meetha hota _hai. Which if I were to literally translate would mean, _the fruit born of patience is sweet_. Much like I guess you may have seen with Grandpa Theo when helping him out with the orchards; you told me he said that sometimes you all you can and then you have to let nature take its course. Sometimes you get what you want after a long wait and it's that more meaningful and sometimes you don't and it hurts but you learn to get over it and you move on to the next thing and looking back it doesn't seem all that bad. Friendships helped me so much in Portland, even though I kept a lot of stuff hidden, they helped me evolve. Otherwise, trust me, you wouldn't have want to have met the girl I was back then in recovery. I was just a hollow shell biding her time. I'm only like this right now, largely because of Kate." I can feel the emotion in her voice. She's trying her best not to cry.

"I understand what you're saying. I know I need to put myself out there. I guess the only thing I've got close to a friend is Elliot... but he's my brother."

"So? Your brother can be your confidante, your best friend. Before Kate and I became best friends, Ethan was hers. She never had good luck with other women and then we got close she told me that as close as she was to Ethan, nothing beat having a proper girlfriend. You know, girl talk and all." She giggles.

I take a deep breath and look up to the ceiling. "Yeah, I guess. I should test out all this friendship stuff on Elliot, test his limits and shit."

She laughs. "Go ahead, I'm sure he'll love it. He loves you Christian and I know he'd absolutely jump at the chance to spend more time with you. In fact, I think you, Karan and Tony would really get a long. Even if it's talking business, I think you guys could really become bros."

I smile. "Yeah, let's see. Let me know when you want to go to Miami and I'll block out those days in my schedule."

"I will. Tell me, would you consider Ros your friend?"

"Yeah I do actually but I've never discussed anything personal with her. She always has, I've never been able to give her advice but she's used me as a sounding board here and there. In general, I've always found it easy to talk to her. I guess, maybe because she's gay, I knew she wasn't a threat in that way... she's dedicated herself to GEH and yeah, I do consider her a friend... in fact she's more of a bro." I chuckle.

"Then open up to her a little more too. She's your second in command Christian; she's fully invested in protecting your vision and dream, she's been with you every step of the way. You can trust her with your personal stuff too. She's a good person but you already know that."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Slowly but surely, you can do this Mr. Grey. I have faith in you." She gives me a small kiss.

"You always know how to say the right thing. I don't know why I even go to Flynn."

"Cause you like him and he has helped you. He's your friend too, otherwise he would've never invited you and the both of us into his home to help us get better. Inviting someone into your home is such a big step, that level of trust... your home is your safe place, not everyone is worthy of coming in and meeting your family. I learned that from Nana."

I silently nod. I understand what she's saying.

"I would've suggested Jose as well but I think we should take our time on that. He's... well, it takes some time to get used to him and I think we should start you off slow in the friend department." She laughs.

"I find him entertaining. You both know how to get on each other's nerves and that's hilarious to me. As long as he doesn't objectify me, I think I'll be okay."

"He won't, it's all talk but he knows his limits. He's incredibly aware and such a chameleon sometimes. I have seem him act straight and... it's mind blowing. I've seen girls hit on him at bars and it's hilarious when he breaks their hearts. The let down is gentle but still, so hilarious to see." She giggles and then starts to laugh uncontrollably, telling me of this one time in the beginning of their friendship when they went to a bar with some other GEH employees from legal and a girl tried to get his attention.

I kiss her forehead and pull her close to me.

"This song sounds familiar... you sang this to Hasan and Mina's son at the Rahman dinner, right?"

She listens for a moment. "Yeah, I guess I did. It's called And Counting."

_When I fall asleep I feel you with me  
When I fall asleep I feel you with me  
When I fall asleep I feel you with me  
Until I fall asleep and you are with me_

"I listened to it a lot when we on break. I missed sleeping with you so I had to imagine you were here and try to sleep, wearing your t-shirt helped sometimes..." she shares

I give her a small kiss. "I know you said you couldn't really move in with me... but do you think it's something you'd be willing to consider sometime soon?" I want her with me all the time. I don't want to sleep without her unless I'm away for business or something. It doesn't make any sense. We're better when we're together, what's the point in waiting?

"Umm... Christian, that's a really big step. I mean, I just... this space is mine you know... Escala is... I don't know..."

"You can set up one of the guest bedrooms just as you like it if you want. For whenever you need some time to yourself. It'll be your space completely. Or fuck it, I'll have an interior designer come in and tell them what you like and we can have the whole place renovated."

"Christian, that's insane. I'm not going to make you change your whole life and apartment for me. I mean, I don't want to impose my life on you, I want to invite friends and family over and cook for them and I don't want that to disturb you. I know you like things a certain way."

"You're not making me do anything Ana, I want to move forward with you. We're going to get married eventually... I want you to live with me, and I want our place to look like a home and you have impeccable taste, I know you'll make the entire place beautiful and besides Escala is big enough that noise is not an issue. I want to be a part of your life, Ana. I hate the though of sleeping without you. I fucking hate it. I know that makes me sounds like such a limp dick sap but here I am."

She looks at me with her big blue eyes, and I caress her cheek. "For starters, I don't remember anything about a limp dick when you got here... " She giggles making me chuckle. "... can I think about it for a while? It's still a big step, merging our lives like this. I have to talk to Kate as well. I've been paying bills here and I don't want to just up and leave and say sayonara. I want to make sure she's taken care of too, she's been such an important part of my life." She says with such sincerity.

"Ana, Kate can fend for herself. Besides she's always flying out for work or with Elliot who knows how to cook so she'll be fine... but sure talk to her. She'll be moving in with Elliot soon... I mean, given the proposal and all."

"Then how about I wait till then? Kate's birthday is on March 12th, Elliot will propose to her that weekend."

"Do we have to wait that long?" I grumble.

"Patience is a virtue, Grey." She smirks.

"Fuck." I laugh.

"About that..." she smiles and climbs on top of me.

* * *

_Wednesday, February 12__th__, 2020._

**APOV**

Christian is in Portland for most of the day. He went to WSU to visit with the soil science team to get an update on their new projects, basically to make sure his donations are being well spent. I told him I was half jealous he was visting my Alma Mater and that we needed to visit sometime so I could give him the Steele tour and also... god I really miss Voodoo doughnuts. I'd kill for and Old Dirty Bastard and a Portland Cream right about now.

CG: Miss Steele?

AS: Mr. Grey?

CG: I want you to meet me in the Cascade Suite this evening before you go into the event at the Fairmont.

AS: Is everything okay?

CG: I want to see my girl all dressed up before everyone else does.

AS: I think can that can definitely be arranged ;) love you.

CG: Love you, baby.

He's such a sap. My sap.

At 5pm, Jose, Val and I head out with Sawyer to the Fairmont Spa where she made reservations for us to relax and get ready. Christian told me on Saturday that he had spoken with Caroline to get us a room to get ready in and book the three of us spa appointments. I love how he thinks of everything.

We're hanging around in the spa after our massages in a private room getting our hair done while Jose lounges around in his robe sipping on some champagne.

"Girlfriend, I was MADE for this life..." Jose sings.

"Well I'm glad you feel at home." I snap back.

"Of course I feel at home, when shit is sponsored, I feel at home."

Jose and Caroline, instantly hit it off and focus all their energy on making me look... fuckable after the hair and makeup girls leave.

"Girl, we want him to lose his shit and drag you out of the event and have is way with you."

"Jose, you are way to invested in my sex life." Chances are he'll have his way with me before the event even starts. I sincerely hope he does. He's turned me into an addict. I need help I think.

"I'm invested in you trapping his ass and sex traps any hetero man's ass. So yeah, you better keep that shop open for business, 24/7. I don't care if there's a flood or a volcano eruption forecasted, those legs must remain open so that these little sponsored spa days can keep happening."

I roll my eyes will Caroline and Val laugh their asses off.

"Oh honey, you look magnefique." Caroline gushes. I try to not blush. I definitely feel... _magnefique._

"Yassss bitch, you look good." Jose claps with Val who giggles like a school girl.

"Thank you so much Caroline, I feel it." I confess and she winks at me and gives me a hug. "He won't be able to contain himself." She laughs.

Christian is dreading having to spend more than an hour at this. He'd rather drag me home and... _well_... _fuck_. Now I'm wet at the mere thought of him again. He's texted me a few times asking for a sneak peek but I keep torturing him.

I chose a black Rasario tulle gown. It makes me feel fun and young but also sophisticated at the same time. Caroline wanted me to pick something more edgy and shiny but I told her I prefer the simple look and that I wanted to blend in a bit. In the end she relented. I guess because Christian maybe wanted that kind of stuff for the subs that she thinks that I may be into that stuff too... the thought worries me a bit but I am who I am. I can't let thoughts of what anyone else likes consume me. I'm finally getting to a point where I don't need to ask anyone how I look, at least not for the sad ass reasons I used to before. Even if Christian ever told me he didn't like what I was wearing... I'd kick his ass.

My hair is blown out, and styled in Hollywood curls and bright and bold red lip with eyeliner and some blush.

This feels good. I'll be fine. As long as Christian is there, I'll be fine. It's about 7:30pm and Christian texted me to let me know that he's in the cascade suite. I'm half regretting the bold red lip. I really want to kiss him. Fuck.

**CPOV**

I get a security briefing from Taylor before I head out to the Fairmont. Vishaal landed in New York the early hours this morning and after two meetings, his jet took off for San Francisco. Having the fucker on the same coast makes me want to lose my shit but I need to focus on Ana.

I hear the door unlock and open and I see Ana walk in. She looks around and walks straight into the bedroom. I walk to the threshold of the room and lean against the door frame. She turns around confused and jumps a little and starts laughing.

"Creeper! I was looking for my boyfriend. Have you seen him?"

"Boyfriend? I haven't seen him. Can you describe him to me?"

She slowly makes her way to me, smiling and giggling. She's wearing the bracelet I gave her. I fucking love this woman so much, she looks to die for right now.

"Hmm, well... he's a real sweetheart and an amazing kisser. Oh and looks like he belongs on the cover of GQ. And hot damn he looks good in a tux." She says as she puts her arms about my waist laughing.

"Nah, I haven't seen the fucker but I'll be happy to convince you that I'm a better kisser." I give her a small peck. "I thought I told you I was banning this color on you. How the fuck am I supposed to kiss you to my hearts content."

She pouts "I know, but Caroline and Jose were in charge of my look today and I can't handle them both on my own. You can kiss me to your hearts content after the event tonight."

I hold her face in my hands. "I missed you too much today."

"I missed you too."

"I got you something for tonight." I take out the Cartier box from my jacket pocket and hand it to her. Her eyes shoot up.

"Christian, this is from Cartier... why?" she looks like she's about to pass out.

"Just open it Ana, I want you to wear it tonight."

She swallows and slowly opens it and her jaw drops to the floor.

"Oh my God... this is so beautiful but Christian... this is insane. I can't accept this. You already do so much. Please... this..."

"Baby, look at me."

She looks up with tears forming in her eyes.

"I want you to have the best of everything. What you've done for me in such a short time, nothing I do could ever come close to showing you and repaying you for the light you've brought into my life."

"But..."

"I want you to wear these and then when we go home tonight." I lean into her ear. "I'm going to fuck you while you wear nothing but these earrings..." I hear her breathing hitch. I kiss her, I need her and lose myself in her as she moans. I break the kiss and look into her eyes. "You look so fucking beautiful, it's going to be a struggle for me... everyone is going to want you... "

"But I'm all yours Mr. Grey, I don't care about anyone else." She kisses me again and throws her arms around my neck and clings to me.

...

Ros, Ana and I stand and mingle with everyone. I honestly hate this part of going to events, in fact I hate it all but it's necessary to keep up with appearances and maintain GEH's presence in these circles. Ana is a natural and everyone is smitten with her. Ros was right, having her with us is making this a fucking breeze. She really does know how to meet everyone at their level.

We are approached by Jonathan Renner of RESIN, we sometimes use them for forensic auditing of GEH assets every now and then to make sure everything is clean and we're not missing anything. I met him when I first started GEH and like Travis he was always available to give advice whenever it was needed.

"So Anastasia, what's a beautiful woman like you working for an ogre like Grey." Jonathan asks

"Honestly, I'm just seeing how the other half lives." She giggles and we all laugh.

"Finally, someone other than Ros who can put him in his place. If you ever get tired of his face and want to work for some good looking people like myself, feel free to reach out." Jonathan smirks.

"Fat chance of that happening Renner, Ana's too valuable to us." Ros sneers.

"I guess this is the time I should ask for a raise." Ana wiggles her eyebrows and Jonathan laughs.

We take our places at our table. Jose and Val join us along with some other GEH executives. I waned Ana to sit with me but it turned out that she ended up sitting between Ros and Jose.

The theme for this years Gala is 'Love you like a love song." I don't get it. They're making all the tables assign someone to do sing a song with the word love in the title in order to raise money this year. Last year it was a masquerade ball and it was great. I was barely recognized and I left after and hour. Ros cursed me out the next day but there was no way I was going to stick around for that shit.

Seattle-Mason hosts a gala every year to raise money for funds to conduct operations on the less fortunate as part of their free clinic initiative. Suddenly, AHAK's way of philanthropy looks appealing to me. I suppose Ana will want to do that once we are married. In fact, maybe we should have her run a philanthropy division at GEH. As of now, PR deals with that shit but Ana would be perfect for it. I should talk to her about it.

We engage in conversation and the performances start. We're 5 performances in and they've been decent so far, everyone has been opting for the classics. So far, they've raised about $2 million.

"GEH is next." Ros says.

"What are you singing Jose?" Ana asks.

"Actually, my throat sore." Jose coughs.

"Ana, can you sing instead?" Ros asks her point blank.

"Wait, what? NO. Jose is lying, you should've heard him screaming like a girl this afternoon." Ana says in a panic.

"Listen, you'll do much better... Jose is boring."

"Well, fuck you Ros." Jose bites back.

"You know what I mean."

"Ros, I can't sing. I don't even know what the fuck to sing." Ana angry whispers.

I thoroughly amused by this and Ana will definitely kill me. She already giving me that murderous look but I know what Ros is going for.

"Ana, you'll be amazing at it." Ros smiles.

The current performance is coming to an end and it's almost go time for GEH.

Ana rolls her eyes. "You know as my employer I have to tell you that you're putting me in a very uncomfortable situation and as my friend... I fucking hate you right now." She says trying to stifle a giggle.

"You'll live." Ros winks.

"What do I get out of this?"

"What do you mean?"

"I want two extra weeks of vacation." Ana raises an eyebrow. There's my negotiator.

"Bish, ask for more money too." Jose interjects.

We hear the Phillip who's the MC for this evening call out for GEH to come to the floor.

"ONE SECOND WE'RE NEGOTIATING!" Ana yells form the table and the room roars in laughter.

"So what's it gonna be Bailey? You want me to go out there and make this work?"

"FINE." Ros rolls her eyes.

"Shake on it." Ana holds out her hand.

Ana and Ros shake on it. "Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go show these bitches how to raise money." She sasses as she gets up and walks away and we all laugh. Fuck, I wish she would marry me already.

Ana walks over to towards the announcer and the whole room applauses.

"Please introduce yourself and tell us what song you'll be singing" Phillip asks Ana.

"Good Evening everyone, I'm Anastasia and I'm part of the GEH team. I was actually volunteered as tribute against my will about 6 seconds ago, hence the negotiations. I'm happy to announce that I just got a raise. Right Ros?"

Everyone laughs and Ros yells. "It's a done deal. Just called accounts and HR."

"Damn straight, you did." Ana giggles and the room claps. "Okay so, the past few performances have been wonderful so I can either continue with the same theme of classics or maybe we could dance a little? Please you want to dance?" Ana looks to the crowd almost pleadingly and they all clap again. "Okay good!"

She walks to the band and talks to them for a bit and turns around and takes a deep breath. "This song is called the Game of Love."

We hear the warmth of the electric guitar come through and it sounds like summer. I see Jose and Val get up and head to the dance floor to get ready to dance and suddenly people from all around the room start to get up and fill up the dance floor.

_Tell me  
Just what you want me to be  
One kiss  
And boom you're the only one for me  
So please tell me  
Why don't you come around no more?  
Cause right now  
I'm crying outside the door of your candy store_

_It just takes a little bit of this, a little bit of that  
It started with a kiss  
Now were up to bat  
A little bit of laughs, a little bit of pain  
I'm telling you my babe  
Its all in the game of..._

She closes her eyes and throws her hands up and loses herself as she sings with the band and fuck, she looks beautiful. Everyone is eating up and smiling and dancing. Ros looks pretty fucking proud of herself.

"Told you she'd be good for GEH at this event."

I roll my eyes. I never had a doubt.

"If she kills me Ros, I'll fucking kill you." I grumble and she cackles.

_Love is  
Whatever you make it to be  
Sunshine  
Instead of this cold lonely sea  
So pleased baby  
Try and use me for what I'm good for  
It aint saying goodbye  
Its knocking down the door of your candy store_

_It just takes a little bit of this, a little bit of that  
It started with a kiss  
Now were up to bat  
A little bit of laughs, a little bit of pain  
I'm telling you my babe  
Its all in the game of love  
Its all in the game of love_

_You roll me  
Control me  
Console me  
Please hold me  
You guide me  
Divide me  
Into me_

_So please tell me  
Why don't you come around no more?  
Cause right now  
I'm dying outside the door of your loving store_

_It just takes a little bit of this, a little bit of that  
It started with a kiss  
Now were up to bat  
A little bit of laughs, a little bit of pain  
I'm telling you my babe  
Its all in the game of love  
Its all in the game of love  
Its all in the game of love  
Lets play the game of love_

_Roll me  
Control me  
Console me  
Please hold me  
In this game of love  
I'm out here on my own_

The song ends and the whole room stands to applaud her. She laughs and curtsies and then it's judgment day to see how much money she raised. The number shows up on the board and it's gone up to $3 million. Not bad at all.

"Hold on a second. Really guys? I am not about to accept this level of mediocrity. Come on we can do better than $3 million." The room laughs again. "I see the room is full of billionaires and multi-millionaires... don't make me list your names in descending order. I will, I have no shame when comes to charity... so open up those, Gucci, fendi, dior wallets and drop it like it's hot or make it rain... whatever tickles your fancy. Come on, you can do it. I want to see those numbers go up."

The room is eating it up and we start to see the numbers slowly go up. We're at $3.5 million

"Boss, you should throw in a million." Ros wiggles her eyebrows. I roll my eyes and make the donation.

Ana begins to speak again. "Okay, solid effort but we can do better. You know what they say right the higher the net worth the bigger the..." She looks to the crowd and it's dead silent.

"DICK" we hear from one side of the room and everyone loses their shit.

"DONATION. DONATION. God, the higher the net worth the bigger the donation you need to make. KEEP IT CLASSY people." She laughs. "I think we can totally get these numbers up to $6 million easy. COME ON, I mean do you want me to hold your hand and give you a gold star on your cheek like in preschool? Like, it's a Wednesday night... what's $1 million here, $5 million there... you won't miss it. It's chump change for all you bigwigs. Think of all the brownie points you're racking up with the universe." She laughs.

Sure enough she gets the numbers up to $7.5 million. Only my girl could do this.

"You know, I'm going to accept that number. Is there room for improvement? Always, but I'll accept that number. You all should be proud of yourselves. Give yourself a round of applause." She laughs and hands the mic back to Phillip.

"Well, Anastasia, feel free to host next year..."

"Sorry, y'all are too small time for me now, my agent just got a call, I'm hosting the globes next year." She yells from her seat before she sits down and we all laugh. She looks to us with the evil eye. "You're welcome. That little bit out there was for press, so I'll repeat myself... you're welcome."

Jose mimes taking off the crown from his head and placing it on Ana's head. "I coronate thy a Queen for the night. I'll snatch it back at midnight so don't get used to it."

I chuckle and Ros and Val along with the other GEH employees mime bowing down to Ana and she laughs and shrugs a shoulder with her usual sass.

CG: I fucking love you baby.

AS: I love you too but holy hell you OWE ME.

CG: I promise to make it up to you all night and weekend ;)

AS: You better xx

After dinner we stand around talking to a few people. The President of the hospital came up to us to personally thank Ana.

"Thank you for that. It really means a lot that you care for our cause."

"Oh please, there's nothing I love more than shaming rich people into giving their money to charity. It's entertainment and for a good cause. You'll be able to help so many people this year."

"Yes, we will. It's been difficult but the free clinic has been vital to the Seattle community."

He leaves us and for a while, it's just Ros, Ana and I as we stand and talk about Gwen and how she's been feeling.

"ANA STEELE" I hear a man call her from behind. He's a good looking fucker... who the fuck is this guy?

Ana's eyes go wide and she turns around. "ROSENTHAL!" she goes into give him a big hug. "God, how long has it been. What are you doing here? Where's Vic?"

_Who the fuck is this bastard?_

"Vic is at home. We had triplets."

"Oh god, congratulations, that's amazing. She must HATE you."

"Hate is a very kind word for what she feels for me." He laughs. He takes out his phone to show her a picture and she gushes over it.

"They are so beautiful, thank God they don't look like you." She sneers.

"I can't say I've missed that snap."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." She laughs. "Oh god, I'm sorry, where are my manners. Um, Jacob Rosenthal this is Christian Grey and Ros Bailey of Grey Enterprises. This is Jacob Rosenthal, his family are our neighbors back in San Francisco. I'd hang out with them whenever I visited with my mom." She smiles.

We shake hands and make small talk.

"So what are you doing in Seattle?" Ana asks.

"I've been here for about a year. I'm a Cardio Thoracic surgeon at Seattle-Mason now."

"That's amazing. Give me your number, I need to meet Vic asap and we need to hangout. I want to see those babies." They exchange numbers and finalize on a plan.

"Yeah sure and by the way, mom is here too. She's had a meeting with Senator Rhodes from something they're working on... hold on let me get her." He walks away just a few feet and fuck me that's the leading Senator on the Select Intelligence Committee. What the fuck?

She walks to us and envelopes Ana in a big bear hug.

"Hi Senator Rosenthal." She jokes.

"Oh shush, call me Amy. I'm always just Amy to you."

Ana introduces us to the Senator.

"Ah, Christian Grey, so you're the reason why Ana didn't take a job with my office in D.C." She laughs.

Ana quickly interjects. "Well Senator, it came down to the money. I'm sorry, you know me... it's all about the money." She winks.

"Has Ana made you her famous chocolate chip and walnut cookies?"

"Yes she has, they're quite a hit at GEH." I say and Ros agrees.

"I'm jealous, I haven't had any in 4 years."

"I could send over some to D.C. if you'd like. Give me your address and I'll have it done." She smiles sweetly.

"I'd love nothing more. Besides, I'll throw it in Nancy's face."

"God, don't do that, Nancy will hunt me down... in fact I'll send an extra box for her too. Maybe you can share some on the other side of the aisle and brainwash them into passing some favorable legislation." She wiggles her eyebrows and we all laugh and talk a little more.

"Ana, it's so good to see you. I'm sorry about your grandfather, I spoke with Aisha and Nita recently as well but it's so lovely to see you again and looking so well. Such a remarkable recovery."

"Yeah Ana, you're a walking miracle. It's so good to see you. Vic will be thrilled. You definitely have to come over." Jacob smiles at her

Ana looks visibly uncomfortable and Ros looks at me confused.

"Thank you both. I really appreciate that, I'm so happy we ran into each other." Ana smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes.

We all talk some more and the Senator and her son get called away to meet some other people.

Ros goes in for the kill.

"That was Senator Rosenthal, lead on the Select Committee on Intelligence and Nancy as in Nancy Pelocci? As in 3rd in line to the presidency? As in, you're telling me your cookies have the power to possibly sway democracy?"

Ana and takes moment and looks at me and looks back at Ros and it's almost comical and she beings to speak with that undeniable sass. "Yes Rosalyn. Told you I was that fucking good." She flips her hair back. We both laugh.

"Wait, you had the chance to work with her and you turned it down?" Ros is baffled as am I.

"Well, do you think I would survive in DC? DC people are transient and it's not my scene, it's about one upping each other and name dropping and yeah... Besides I had no personal network there, I interviewed with them but I would've only gone if I maybe didn't get the GEH job."

"Well thank fuck you did." Ros muses. "How do you know them so well?"

Who is this woman? I learn something new every day.

"Both Nancy and Amy have family homes on Presidio Terrace where the AHAK family home is and I was friends with Nancy's grandkids and Amy's kids because of my cousins. We'd hangout whenever I visited and then when I moved to SF after my dad died, I'd see them on the holidays."

"Why did they say you made a remarkable recovery, what happened Ana?" Ros asks with no filter as usual.

I see Ana tense. "Ros, now is not the time." I tell her.

"Ros, it's a really long discussion that needs to happen in private. I'll tell you someday over lunch maybe." She gives a small smile and Ros looks to me with concern but thankfully drops it.

We're alone for a bit talk a little more and Ana makes a few more jokes at my expense and Ros eats it up. Ana looks over my shoulder and I see her face drop.

"Vishaal?"

_WHAT THE FUCK?_

Before I can turn around, he's already walked around me and is standing next to Ana and goes in to kiss her cheek as he greets her and she lets him.

"What are you doing here Vishaal Bhai? She asks in a measured tone.

"Looking into some new business prospects here in Seattle." He says with a smile. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?"

"Yes, sorry. This is my boss Christian Grey and Ros Bailey." She gives me a small smile. "This is my cousin Vishaal Kapadia."

"Nice to meet you both. Have heard a lot about you." He holds out his hand and it takes everything in me not to break it during our handshake.

"I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather." Ros offers her condolences.

"Thank you, I appreciate that. He was a great man." He says and takes a sip of his drink. "I hope our Aana hasn't given you guys too much trouble at GEH." The fucker has the audacity to laugh.

"Not at all. She's proven to be an invaluable employee." Ros smiles adoringly at Ana.

"The family feels the same way. We can't wait till she's back at AHAK again."

"I don't think we're going to let her go that easy." Ros laughs

"You never know. We're letting her have her fun, a Rumspringa if you will, in the end AHAK is where she belongs and will prosper." He laughs.

"I'm actually really happy here, I've found my family at GEH and I'm laying roots in Seattle so I guess I've made my decision." She laughs and shrugs her shoulders but I see the discomfort in her eyes.

"We'll see how long that lasts. Anyway, can I talk to you in private? Some family business."

She looks up to him, eyes wide. "How long are you here for? We can meet tomorrow for lunch instead?"

"No can do. I'm flying out tomorrow morning. It's urgent that we speak. Surely you both don't mind if I borrow Aana here for a few minutes. Family stuff." He smiles like the fucking snake he is and Ros agrees and I'm fuming. I see Ana quickly take out her phone and text and she looks at me... god... fuck...

She turns and walks away but manages to keep a distance. FUCKING HELL WHERE THE FUCK IS TAYLOR?

I see Sawyer follow Ana and Vishaal out of the room.

AS: I'll be fine I promise. I will keep Sawyer close.

Taylor walks up to me and asks me to follow him out where we can talk.

"You better have a good fucking explanation as to how the fuck that asshole got here."

"Sir, his jet landed in Oakland 3 hours ago and we saw someone, at least someone matching his description get into the car and go to his apartment building. Except, an hour after Kapadia's jet took off, The Rothstein's private family jet left Teterboro as well and landed at Sea-Tac 2 hours ago. We were not really following their activity."

"Fucking hell, Taylor. How the fuck did he get into the event?"

"He came with Senator Rosenthal about hour ago but has been keeping a low profile."

"Of-fucking-course."

"Where are Ana and Sawyer?"

"They're in the restricted guest corridor behind that stair case."

We walk towards it and I see Ana walk towards our direction with Sawyer. I am way to close to losing my shit.

**APOV**

I take out my phone and type as fast as I can to send Christian a text to tell him not to worry. I look at him and I see the anger in his face but he's holding it in. FUCK. Why the fuck is this son of a bitch here.

I turn and walk with Vishaal and he tries to get close to me but I keep my distance. I hold out the number 3 with my left hand and I see Sawyer start to follow me. We decided to come up with a system where the numbers 3, 2, 1 would help him decipher whether or not I was in immediate danger. 3 to keep him in in close proximity to me at a minimum 4-6 feet. 2 to verbally warn someone and 1 to beat the shit out of said person.

He leads me out to a guest-restricted corridor to talk. I can see Vishaal has new security; it's not his usual CPO. This dude is new and fucking scary but Sawyer is a perfect match for him. They both stand about 6 feet away from us, facing us the entire time and Vishaal tries to get close to me but I hold my hand up. I see Sawyer try to intervene as Vishaal's CPO tries to stop but I tell him to stand down.

"If you want to talk to me, keep your distance." I warn him.

"You need to fucking remember who you're dealing with."

"Yeah, a piece of shit. That's who I'm dealing with. What the fuck is your problem? Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone."

"You need to be reminded of your place and I know what you did. I saw that wire transfer."

"I finally found my place and I didn't do jack shit. Your friend is just too fucking stupid to keep his shit under wraps."

"That was confidential information, there was no fucking way GEH could've gotten it unless you fucking sold it to them. Is that what your price is? Because babygirl, I've got more money than him."

"Fuck off, I don't give two shits about you or your money. Why the fuck are you in Seattle?"

"A new business prospect came up. I'm looking to diversify a little more." He smiles that fucking menacing smile.

"All KGI investments in the US and Europe are under AHAK's purview and AHAK will not making any new plays till the 3rd quarter. Mama told me."

"Who says it's for KGI or AHAK?"

"Leave Seattle the fuck alone."

"Why cause your boyfriend runs this place? Let's see how good he is at chess babygirl."

"STOP calling me that, and leave us the fuck alone or I swear to..." I whisper through clenched teeth.

"...I have to say, I'm disappointed in you. The fact that you sold yourself for such a low price. I mean, where's the sign up sheet, I would've happily paid quadruple."

That fucking does it. I walk up to him and get in his face to say my final piece. I turn away from him before he can do anything and quickly get to Sawyer who high fives me. He approves.

"That was the icing on the cake." Sawyer smirks.

"I know, it felt good to shut him up for once." I smile. We're not even halfway down the corridor when I see Christian walking towards us. He is fuming.

"We're going home. NOW." That's his scary CEO/Dom voice. I follow him through the kitchen towards the service entrance and get into the SUV with Taylor.

We sit in silence for a while.

"Can we go back to my apartment?" I ask.

"No. We cannot. We're going to Escala." His tone is clipped.

"Christian, please... what was I supposed to do?" I try to reason with him.

"Ana, just give me a minute. I really trying to not lose my shit right now." He is barely hold on.

Fine. Be that way. A few minutes later, I hear him speak.

"What the fuck is he doing in Seattle?"

"I don't know, he says he's looking to diversify and looking into new industries. I told him to stay away from Seattle."

"I'm going to bury him, Ana. Enough of this shit. This city is mine and it's the only safe haven you have, he is not going to try to 'diversify' any of his shit here."

"He's just riling us up. You don't have to do anything. Just don't engage with him Christian."

"Don't fucking tell me what to do." He raises his voice at me.

"Then don't fucking act like you're going off the rails. I can't deal with the both of you acting like absolute lunatics." I bite back.

"Don't compare me to him." He looks at me with the same anger he had when he came to my apartment but I will not back down.

"Then don't act like him." I look him in the eye and hold my ground.

He grits his teeth and looks out the window.

**CPOV**

I can't believe she's comparing me to him. FUCKING FUCK. I want to murder the son of a bitch with my own hands right now.

I've counted back form 20 about a million times now. I look at Ana and she's equally tense as she looks out the window. This is not how this night was supposed to go. We were supposed to spend the night at the Fairmont and fuck... it's all down the fucking drain.

We get to the Escala parking garage and take the elevator to go up not saying a word to each other. She walks into the great room and goes to the kitchen and gets something to drink.

"Ana, we have to do something. We can't keep getting ambushed like this."

"Christian, trust me, it's not worth it. He's really trying to rile us up. He's a sick fuck. It's a waste of time and resources to stoop to his level. I want to live my life without having to constantly think about him." She says simply.

I can't take this shit anymore and before I know it, I explode at her.

"WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU LET ME DO ANYTHING? WHY ANA?... ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH HIM OR SOME SHIT? IS THAT IT? SOME CRAZY STOCKOLM SYNDROME SHIT? IS HE YOUR BACK UP? DO YOU SECRETLY LOVE HIM BECAUSE YOU SEEM HELL BENT ON PROTECTING HIM."

* * *

**Authors Note: **A little more drama to follow in the next two chapters.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out board for chapter 38 :)

**Music:**

Show Me - Alina Baraz Galimatias

And Counting - Lights

The Game of Love - Santana feat. Michelle Branch.


	39. Chapter 39

Can I just say I love when you guys leave in depth reviews and call out the characters. THANK YOU. I don't agree with Ana's actions either but I understand where she's coming from also. As for CTG, I don't blame the guy for his frustration but he could have used some finsesse on the delivery of his outburtst fo sho. Some reactions are also hilarious. some of you are comedians I swear!

I hope you all are staying indoors and being safe. Not going to lie, I stood out in the sun for 5 mins the other day after being locked in the house for like 7 days it felt so alien to me. I was like... hello sun, is that you? Have we met before?

* * *

Chapter 39 - _The end of privacy._

"WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU LET ME DO ANYTHING? WHY ANA?... ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH HIM OR SOME SHIT? IS THAT IT? SOME CRAZY STOCKOLM SYNDROME SHIT? IS HE YOUR BACK UP? DO YOU SECRETLY LOVE HIM BECAUSE YOU SEEM HELL BENT ON PROTECTING HIM."

The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them and I suddenly realize that the fuck I've done. Fuck. I just... accused her... fuck no. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, GREY?

I see her eyes grow wide and her face change. _My beautiful girl_. Her face now ashen, eyes wide open in disbelief, slightly shaking her head.

"Ana... I... I'm sorry... I didn't mean that... I was just..."

She holds her hand up.

She starts to speak but her voice wavers. "You know, I highly suggest that you go and have a drink with Vishaal and finally decide what you both think of me." Tears start to stream down her face. "Because the man that I so desperately love just accused me of being disloyal for the second time in just a few weeks. What's next? I'm disloyal to your company? I fucking put myself on the line for the Rahman Deal. For you. YES you, asshole. Because I love YOU and I will do whatever I can to help GEH. I mean I just whored myself out at a fundraiser to not only raise money but improve your company's image for good press... and in the same night my rapist accused me of being a whore for accepting, what he thinks is a $1 million payout for giving you confidential information for you to land Rahman Industries." She looks completely broken and fuck, I wish the ground would swallow me up whole. "So you know what, tomorrow morning, I'm going to give in my two weeks notice at GEH. I am done with all of this. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going home." She starts to walk to my bedroom.

"Ana baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that, I'm just so fucking angry and you won't let me do anything. That asshole just keeps terrorizing you and you will not let me handle it. Please don't leave like this. Let's just talk. Please baby."

She doesn't listen and walks past me. I follow her and heads into the walk in closet and takes out her carry-on and starts to gather her toiletries.

"Ana, please."

She continues to silently work. Once she's gathers all her clothes, she grabs a pair leggings and t-shirt. She walks to the bathroom and locks me out. I hear the shower turn on and I sit outside on the floor waiting.

FUCK.

I hear the shower turn off. A few minutes later, she walks out wearing her clothes and goes to hang up the dress with the rest of the clothes from Caroline Acton. She grabs her carry on and grabs her coat and bag and starts to head out of the bedroom.

"Ana, you cannot leave. This is ridiculous. Please. Just come to bed with me. We will talk about this in the morning. I'm sorry baby, please."

She looks back at me and speaks in her passive professional voice. "Please activate the elevator. I would like to leave."

"Ana please."

"I said, I would like to leave."

"Fuck, ANA, just talk to me. Okay. Just... Please... let's just... talk to me."

She takes a breath. "If you don't activate the elevators then I will just take the fire stairs. Either way, I'm leaving."

"You're not leaving."

"You can't keep me here against my will."

"Ana, I just want to talk. I'm sorry. I am TRULY sorry. That was a shitty thing for me to say and I honestly did not mean it."

"That's the thing Christian, you did. You hurt me with your anger. What you said, it all stemmed from a truth that you believe in or that you're projecting on to me." She takes a couple of seconds to compose herself again. "I know Nani said that these are growing pains and that we'll hurt each other to grow... but I have this feeling that whatever fights we'll have... you'll end up hurting me far more than I can hurt you. I didn't sign up to be a punching bag. So please, let me leave. I want to leave. Please. I'm begging you." Her voice cracks and a new wave of tears fall.

I can't move. I can't let her leave. Not again. I can't handle that. Fuck. Please, Ana. No.

"Ana, please." My voice is almost a sob.

She looks away. After a minute, she picks up her carry on and walks up the stairs as I follow her. She walks into one of the guest rooms and slams the door shut and locks it.

I knock on the door and ask her to open it and that we should talk. She doesn't respond. I tell her I'm going to get a key and come inside and that we are definitely going to talk. She doesn't respond. I slump down and sit in front of the door.

If they were giving out awards for fucking up, I'd win them all. I sit for what feels like forever. Fuck it, I'll just sleep here. Why won't she just let me take the fucker out? Get it over with. I take deep breaths... fuck I really could've handled that differently.

I don't know how much time passes but suddenly the door opens and I fall back on my head and I'm at her feet. She looks down at me, she's still fucking pissed at me.

"Get up." She barks. I swallow and stand.

She walks back into the room "Close the door and sit on the chair over there." She motions to the chair across from the bed.

"You should be so fucking grateful that I'm taking Flynn's advice right now and not dumping your ass. Because I may love you but I don't fucking like you right now."

"Ana, I'm really sorry. It wasn't supposed to com..."

"I don't want to hear it." She interrupts me. "I'm going to explain everything to you once and for all and if you ever, and I mean EVER accuse me of disloyalty again, I swear to god Christian Grey, I will fucking show you what disloyalty is and I will tear your heart into a million pieces. Do you understand me?"

Fuck, she is so fucking scary when she talks like that. "Yes. I understand."

"For the record. I do not love Vishaal, at least not in the way you have accused me of. I loved him as my brother, because I was told that he was my brother and he always acted like a brother to me. I looked up to him in the same way Mia does to you. Anyway... past tense." She stares at the floor as she speaks. Her eyes are puffy and her face is tense and I can see she's gritting her teeth.

"I have no desire to protect him. I am only protecting Nita and my family because hurting Vishaal in any way, hurts the family. Everything is intertwined. You don't understand this because you don't understand the culture..." She looks down and take a deep breath and then looks up at me again. "Tell me, do you love Grace?"

"Of course I do."

"Do you feel you would do anything for her happiness?"

"Yes." I say unequivocally.

"That is how I feel about Nita. I would do anything humanly possible for her. My telling them about Vishaal fractures her family and I can't be responsible for that, not when she has been through so much hell in life."

"But, Ana YOU are going through hell. This is insane." I try to reason with her.

"That does not mean, I should go and blow up her life for a third time. Especially when I am the reason it blew up the second time." Her voice wavers and tears fall.

"What do you mean? What did you do?" I'm so confused.

"When Nita was 22, she met this guy at a wedding in New York. It was one of those industrialist families in the community. The guy was 29, he expressed an interest and then she had an semi-arranged marriage. Nana's sister from Pakistan was also in town for the wedding and she knew the guy's family from back home and vouched for them. It seemed like a good match and they dated for a few months and he seemed like this Prince Charming and yeah... everything was great for the first year they were married, at least it seemed like it was. But in actuality, that guy was an alcoholic and was at first emotionally abusive but as time progressed it got physical. Nita just endured it, she didn't want to bring shame to the family. You've met her, she's really shy and quiet and the most beautiful human being ever... anyway, in the second year she got pregnant and during her 5th month, one night when her husband came home, he was drunk beyond comprehension and almost beat her to death. She lost the baby." Ana takes a deep breath and covers her face... trying to control her tears and runs her hands through her hair. Her voice is strained and she continues to speak.

"Her face was black and blue, broken ribs, fractured arm, dislocated shoulder... the works. It was a miracle she survived at all. Nana and Nani flew out to London, that's where Nita's husband was based at the time for work, as soon as they found out. They got her a divorce and as soon as she was well enough to travel they brought her back to San Francisco. The guy went to jail for a few years... I think he should've been hanged but whatever. She went through recovery but also went through extreme depression. She hated everything and she wanted to get away from everyone. So she applied to get her Masters in early childhood education. Once she completed that she started job hunting. She worked in SF for a bit and the a friend of hers told her of an opening in Seattle Prep, she got the job and moved to Seattle. A year later, she got tired of the private school community and looked for opening at the DOE. They told her there were two public school openings, one in Olympia and one in Montesano."

She takes a few moments again but breaks down into a loud sobs. I get up to go to her but she stops me. "NO!"

I'm such an asshole. This is getting worse because of me. "Ana, please baby, let me hold you. You can tell me everything in your own time... just let me hold you." I plead.

"No. I don't want you to touch me right now. I just want to get this all out and move on."

I take my place on the bed but at a distance. She turns to face her body towards me but there's still about 4 feet between us.

"When I turned 11, Ray and Nita asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I straight up told them I wanted a sibling." She giggles a bit and it makes me smile. "If you think Ros has no filter, you have no idea how I was. I'm sure Ray was embarrassed for how much of social heathen I was sometimes but Nita laughed and told me to pray and dream about it and that if it was meant to be, I would soon have a sister or brother..." she looks out in the distance and takes another deep breath. "They both tried, Nita miscarried between the 8-10 week mark all three times. She was willing to try a 4th time but Ray said he couldn't bear to see her in pain again.

So yeah... then the accident happened... a friend of mine from band picked me up and we met up with other band friends and we went to Olympia... I ended up getting my period and I got really sick so I called Ray and asked him to pick me up because I couldn't handle it anymore. It was raining and it was icy... we never made it back home. ... and it's my fault."

She looks down and closes her eyes, trying her best not to cry again but she can't help it. "I rationally know that I shouldn't blame myself, it's just how it was supposed to be but there is a part of me that feels responsible. Nita lost out on 4 of her children, she lost the love of her life and then she couldn't even properly mourn him because she was dealing with my recovery... and in regards to Kiran and Vishaal... she's their aunt. She has been there, around them and with them since they were babies. She was like a second mom to them... I can't take all that away from her. She's so close to Aila Khala, and now her father who she was also so close to, just died. I will not take away her family from her. I would rather go through years of this bullshit than cause her any more pain. She's been through a lifetime of sadness and she doesn't deserve anymore. I will not cause her anymore pain..."

She's sitting with her elbows on her knees and her head cradled in her hands. God. This is such a fucking mess.

"I'm sorry Ana. I really wish you didn't have to go through this. I would do anything."

She looks up at me. "Christian, you can't do anything. AHAK and KGI are intertwined. Anything happens to Vishaal in business or personally, it affects the whole family and their livelihood plus... there are jobs at stake too. It's not that easy. Please try and understand. Whatever you're planning, whoever you have trying to come up with plan... whatever the fuck you think you can get away with... just don't. I know what you're capable of, I've seen the shit that goes through legal with Travis. I know when you're being ruthless and if you pursue this it will be a mess. Because it will be seen as an unprovoked attack and it will ruin my image in front of the family. He is doing this shit on purpose. He is using me to piss you off so that when you lose your shit, you will seem like the crazy one, which again will make Nita look bad as well... he's even trying more shit now because we're together. If I was alone, it wouldn't be that bad, in fact it's never been this bad. After the first time he tried to force himself on me, I would barely go to SF. Maybe twice a year or when I absolutely knew he was going to be overseas. Karan helped with that, he would be able to confirm his schedule. He's always the first person I call when I hear related to anything Vishaal. Like when he randomly showed up to Elliot's place. Karan was who I called... except now I'm blind again."

I feel an extreme pang of jealousy. I shouldn't but I do. Karan is family and he's absolutely on her side and I get it... but still. "That asshole kept you from your family." I'm fucking seething now but I have to calm myself.

"Yes he did, why do you think I'm always texting and facetiming everyone? Because I'm really trying to keep my relationships because I can't lose them, I love them... this year is the most I have seen him and my family in general since I left SF for college only because of the wedding. Still, he wasn't around that much when I'd fly in for wedding prep shit and to go to the resort. Whatever he pulled at the gala... he doesn't do shit like that, at least not as blatantly in front of the elders of the family. He just waits when I'm alone which is rare and the shit he does in semi-public situations seems so fucking innocent that if I react badly then I look like the asshole... he runs that family... he can do no wrong, he's the eldest among all us cousins. Everyone worships him and women throw themselves at him... I mean no one would ever believe me even if I tried." She wipes her tears and everything about this is so heartbreaking and gut wrenching.

"Ana, please... "

"What Christian? What? What do you want me to do?"

"At least tell Nani, you said she suspects something." I know for a fact that Nani knows thanks to my eavesdropping from a few weeks ago.

"She knows now."

"Then why doesn't she do anything?"

"Because I made her promise not to. I made her swear on my life not to say or do anything."

"Fuck. Ana... " This is so fucking frustrating, I'm so close to pulling all my hair out. "Ana, this is unhealthy. This is fucking Stockholm syndrome. This is a constant mind fuck."

She turns to lie on her back, with her feet dangling off the side of the bed. She lays silent for a few seconds. "I know. But one day, he won't be a part of my life. I just have to patiently wait for that day."

"So what, you're just going to let him torture you?"

"It's only torture when he's around. Otherwise he's far from my mind, except now with what I did with Akash he's going to come at me with full force. I can feel it. This evening was just a small window into that. The high of that revenge is over now. I should've been smart about it but I fucked up and now I have to sit and wait for the next attack."

"You didn't fuck up. You did what you had to and it was a sight to see Ana. You fucking annihilated him. And I swear I want to kill that motherfucker. Both of them, actually."

She snorts. "Trust me, I do too. Heck, I'd help you drag them up to the roof of Escala and push them off but don't always get what we want in life."

And for the first time since we've been home, I get the sense my girl is coming back.

"Baby, let's go back downstairs to bed?"

She shakes her head. "I really want to sleep alone tonight."

"Why do you do that? Why do you shutdown?"

"Because I'm fucking pissed at you Christian. You accused me something you know that I am incapable of. My birth mother was the most disloyal person, when I saw what she did to Ray, I saw how it broke his heart. I promised myself that I would never, EVER do that to anyone. Even if I didn't love someone, I would always remain loyal because loyalty and trust, like time... once it's gone, you can never get it back. God knows where I really come from. I suppose I'm the product of an illicit affair or some shit... so yeah, I would rather die than be disloyal." She looks at me like she's going to kill me.

"I said I'm sorry and I really am. I just... I know I need to work on my anger and jealousy issues."

She gets up and turns to me again. "I don't know how you can call yourself a Dominant when you have zero fucking control on what you say to me when you're angry. Isn't that the complete anti-thesis of who you claim to be?"

Shit. Fuck. She is hitting me where it hurts

"Ana, with you... I don't have control. That's the fucking problem. You have this complicated family and culture you're a part of and I can't do anything to protect you and it drives me nuts. You won't let me do anything and it makes me feel fucking useless."

"Well imagine how I fucking feel. I have no resources and I am in the thick of it but here I am in front of you, breathing, living and going about my life and still fighting the best I can."

"I don't have your strength, Ana."

"It's not about strength Christian. It's about faith. I have to believe that it will get better. And I have to trust in myself that I can see this through."

"I'm sorry baby. I really am. I shouldn't have said that shit. I trust you implicitly. I just... it's like sometimes you don't need me. You're so fucking self-sufficient. And I want you to need me and come to me whenever you're in a situation like this."

"Christian, I don't want to be a damsel in distress. I spent almost 3 years of my life feeling like a fucking cripple, at the mercy of others. I never want to be in that position again. There are things I can handle on my own. Please let me. My independence is important to me. I need you in other ways. I need you to trust me and know that I will make the right decision. I need you to trust in the love I have for you. I need for you to trust in my loyalty... because if you don't trust in those things then we have no foundation to build off of. You asked me to trust that you don't need the BDSM shit anymore and I did, I took some time to understand it but in the end I chose you. Any time I feel inadequate, which is often, I have to remind myself that I promised to trust you and I have to trust this process."

She's right. She's so fucking right. But why does she feel that way? She's fucking brilliant.

"You're never inadequate Ana, in fact... it is me who is so inadequate. You floor me at every turn. This evening at the fundraiser... you fucking owned that room and you put GEH on the map in a whole new way. Anything that's thrown at you, you dominate it so effortlessly."

"That's because I'm fucking awesome." She giggles. And I look up and chuckle.

"Yeah you are and I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."

She looks down at her hands as she plays with her fingers. "Okay, I forgive you." She says in a small voice. "I don't want to go to bed being mad at you."

I hold my hand out to her and she takes it. I pull it too my lips and kiss her knuckles. I really want to kiss her but I'm going to wait it out. I don't want her to murder me. We head back down to the bedroom and lay down. Her back to my front as I kiss her cheek. "I'm really sorry baby."

"I know." She takes a deep breath. "You want to hear something funny."

"Yeah sure."

She turns around to face me with our legs entwined and it feels like home. I let my hands roam up her back and all over her body. "Luke was with me when Vishaal was talking to me, that you know and it was just constant back and forth of us saying shit to each other. After accusing me essentially being a whore and all that shit, he said I didn't know you were so affordable, do you have a sign up sheet, basically shit to rile me up...so I said, literally, because I was so fucking pissed, I looked up to him and said 'bitch, I'm a black amex, invitation only, take your visa ass elsewhere.' I could see the anger flash in his eyes but I just turned around and I walked away and Luke gave me a high five. It's been years since I shut him up like that." She giggles and I can't help but burst out laughing and she falls into a laughing fit with me.

"I love you Ana. You're so fucking amazing." I kiss her and bite her lip, making her moan and giggle more.

"And don't you forget it."

"Seriously, baby. You never cease to amaze me."

"Then stop fucking up, okay. Anytime you're angry at a situation that involves me, count to a 100 or something and find your zen or some shit before speaking because you really know how to shove both your feet in your mouth."

"Yes ma'am."

"And don't fucking call me ma'am. I'm not 50."

"Yes baby." I chuckle.

She snorts and gives me a kiss. "You're an asshole sometimes but I still love you, and only you."

She turns to her side and I pull her close to me, her front to my back again. "So I guess sex is off the table?" I try to keep myself from laughing. She could easily turn around and knee me in the balls.

"You've got a lot of making up to do. This Valentines Day date you've asked me out on better be fucking amazing. That's all I'm gonna say."

"Well, there will be fucking and it will be amazing. I guarantee it."

"You perv." She giggles.

"No denying that, my little freak." I kiss her neck.

She turns her face to me. "You know, you really don't have to do anything. I'd be more than happy if we just stayed in and watched a movie and ate pizza. This is all just a made up commercial holiday."

"I know but it's another first for the both of us and I want to do something special for you, cause you're my girl."

She gives me a small kiss. "You're my man."

"I'm sorry, baby, I really am."

Her voice cracks. "I'm sorry too... I'm sorry I'm not brave or strong enough."

I kiss her deeply. "Baby, you're the strongest and bravest girl I know. You've been through so much and you still have so much love to give. It takes courage to get out but it takes just as much to stay in and fight... I just wish you would let me help you. You don't have to do this alone."

"I just don't want to lose you, Christian."

"Ana, nothing's going to happen to me. He won't hurt us."

She takes a deep, shuddering breath. "I don't know about that anymore."

* * *

_Thursday, February 13__th__, 2020_

It feels warm... did the heat go up in this place. Ugh... no. I hate when people turn up the heating. I'd rather sleep with the window open in the winter time and have a super warm quilt. It's a perfect balance and if I feel too warm, I just stick a foot out of the quilt and boom, instant balance of temperature... I'm also so lazy to wake up and check the thermostat...just go back to sleep Ana.

I tentatively open my eyes... where am I? Oh... in Christian's apartment... am I still mad at him? I feel really floaty... really good...really warm... where is he?

"WHAT THE..." suddenly I'm awake. Fuck... that feels good, my hands fly down to park themselves in his hair. "Christian... fuck..." definitely, best wake up call ever but still not without a heart attack...

"Christian, please... " I look down at him and he looks up with that drop dead gorgeous smile.

"Yes baby?"

"This is quite the wakeup call... are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"I'll take that as compliment now... let me have some breakfast." I feel his tongue get back to work and holy hell he's really good at this. I feel his hand travel up, under my shirt and grab my right breast and start to pinch and tweak nipples... fuck it hurts but it's a good kind of hurt.

It doesn't take more than a few minutes to orgasm... leaving me a panting mess. I hear him laughing as he moves up body, kissing me and nipping my skin, reaching my neck and biting it lightly. Asshole.

"Good Morning, Miss Steele." He says as he starts to kiss me. I taste myself on him, it feels so intimate, more intimate than having him go down on me.

"Good Morning, Mr. Grey." I grin back at him like fool.

"How are we feeling?"

"Feeling much better..." I giggle.

"How about we graduate from better to fucking amazing?" he bites my lip.

"Let me guess, that will entail some fucking that will be amazing?"

"There's that smart mouth, I fell in love with." he smiles and kisses me deeply. I feel him position himself and enter me. This feeling will never get old... the way he fills me...

"Harder... Christian... please..."

"No baby... we're going to take this slow... look at me... " I look into his eyes and silently nod as he moves in and out of me, as we climb higher... my body feels like it's on fire and I can't keep my eyes open any longer. "Christian... I'm so close... please..." I don't know what I'm asking for... my thoughts make no sense to me we're close like this. I don't know how he maintains control... I hear him grunt as he kisses my neck and increases his speed. I tighten around him and soon enough I let go, my body shaking as I try to catch my breath.

"Fuckkkkk" he groans his own release a few moments later and drops his full weight on to me.

We hold each other for a while not saying anything. Just taking each other in and letting our hands do the talking as we touch and caress each other.

"I think we need a vacation." I say as I take a deep breath.

"Where do you want to go?" he props his head up on his elbow.

"I mean eventually. Just somewhere remote where no one knows where the fuck we are and who the fuck we are and no drama can follow us..." I feel my eyes start to tear up. _Shut the fuck up Ana and just say it without crying like a fucking fool._ "I miss sitting out in the sun and just... being outside. I think being stuck inside all the time is really getting to me." I should probably also quickly reassure him I won't turn into Kathy Bates from Misery. "Maybe it's just seasonal affective disorder, maybe it's Seattle. I don't know..." I finish, keeping my eyes fixed on the ceiling.

I feel his hand on my cheek. I love it when he does that. It makes me feel so cherished. "Where do you want to go baby? Just say the word and we'll head out."

"I don't know... where do you want to go? I can wait till its warmer... I think I need something to look forward to. I've never really gone on vacation. I guess Cabo was the only 'vacation' I went on but that was Kiran and Daniel's co-ed bachelorette and it was exactly relaxing." I really am pathetic. I've never had a vacation.

"Not even with Ray and Nita?" He seems surprised.

"No, I mean we'd come up to Seattle sometimes but in the summer time Ray was busy with his carpentry and I guess my only vacation was small trips to SF or to New York but they never really felt like vacations... we were working towards our Italy trip after I graduated high school. I had worked some small summer jobs at the local diner in our town and some babysitting here and there to save up for it but... life has a way of steamrolling your plans."

I miss Dad so much right now. I wish he were alive. How can one person be the source of all my courage? Why can't I still channel it?

I need to stop. I can feel the dam about to burst again. I can't cry again, I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm still looking up but I can feel his eyes on me. I can feel the pity.

"We should get ready." I deflect and try to get up.

He stops me. "Baby, look at me." I am not going to look at you. I close my eyes again.

"Christian, we'll be late for work... I'll feel much better after a shower and some breakfast." I say rubbing my face to try and deflect some more as I try again to get up.

'Ana, look at me."

I take a deep breath. DO NOT FUCKING CRY. I look at him. Think of baby kittens. "Christian, I'm fine."

"You're lying"

"No, I'm not. Please, we'll be late for work. Mr. Travis may not be in this week but I still have to get to work on time and God knows Jose will be on my ass for leaving last night without saying goodbye. Val took off today and tomorrow for a long weekend getaway with her boyfriend and if I'm late, he'll panic because he hates doing lunch alone. He just sits at his desk and sulks like a brat." I ramble on and suddenly the thought of Jose freaking out makes me giggle and I lose it.

I open my eyes and I see Christian smiling down at me. "Sorry... the image of Jose losing his shit over anything always makes me feel better." I tell him.

"So you go to work him?" he raises an eyebrow.

"Well, there is this really hot guy too but he's always so busy, I barely get to see him. He's some big time executive at work. Office on the top floor, really hot but he can be an ass sometimes." I give him a small kiss.

"An ass?"

"Sorry, I meant to say he has a great ass." I giggle. He attacks me with kisses and tickles me making me scream. "OKAY STOP... STOP!" he finally does and I take a few moments to catch my breath, still grinning like a fool.

...

"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU LEFT WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A GOODBYE AND GIVING BACK MY CROWN." Jose whisper yells at me. "AND NOT TO MENTION YOU COMPLETELY IGNORING MY TEXTS AND MEMES. THAT SEX BETTER HAVE BEEN GOOD TO KNOCK YOU THE FUCK OUT."

I just look at him like he's a raving lunatic and try not to laugh as I make my tea.

"Wipe that smug ass look off your face bish."

"You know, you can just say that you'll miss Val."

"Shut the fuck up. I don't miss her."

"Yes you do. You missed me too, you texted me so much when I went to Big Sur and Val told me what a crabby ass you were."

"Fuck off. I was just making sure you were alive."

"What's on your mind?"

"The baby shower got Phillip's ovaries in a bunch and he wants us to seriously consider adoption."

"And you don't want to be a dad?"

"Well, not right now. I mean, I can't afford to have crows feet with worry just yet. I'm still so... young."

"Jose, you're freaking 33 years old."

"Bitch... I'm 33 years YOUNG."

"Okay listen, let's talk about this at lunch? I've got some stuff to tell you too."

"Ooooh, is it what I think it is?" He wiggles his eyebrows.

"No, it's drama related."

"On a scale of Taylor Swift revenge pop to Teresa flipping a table, how bad are we talking?"

"We're talking Teresa adjacent." I roll my eyes trying to stifle a giggle.

"Fuck... I can't wait." He rubs his palms together lke a scheming Queen.

...

Jose, Sawyer and I head out for lunch. It's such a relief that they Jose knows and we can just be normal. We first stop at the health bar while Sawyer and I get a juice and Jose gags inwardly, not looking at us. I get my usual carrot juice and Sawyer goes from green concoction that makes me want to gag as well. We make our way to the Taco Truck that we frequent that's about 3 blocks away from GEH. There's always a line but it's worth it and we're all fast eaters. The wait gives me time to give Jose a quick run through of the events he missed because he was being a hoe on the dance floor with Seattle's money throwing elite.

"Damn, that is fucked up."

"Yeah but Sawyer will attest to my smack down."

"I can attest to the smack down." Sawyer says in complete seriousness, making Jose and I laugh. Sawyer smirks.

"I can imagine he wants to murder him."

"He does and I know how frustrated he is but Jose, I'm in a tough spot myself. I mean you get it, it's fucking complicated and then when you bring all that fucking money into the mix... fuck."

"You're afraid of a lawsuit?"

"Yeah I am. You have no idea how vindictive he is. Even if the family were to believe me... they can't stop him from going off the rails. Right now everything he is doing is controlled and precise. I grew up with the fucker, I know how his brain works."

"You can use that to your advantage."

"I can't see the big picture right now... there's still a lot in play till the 3rd quarter."

"You think he'll go after your man's potential deals and current assets?"

"No, that's all a threat. I mean... he can't go through the family companies at least, I highly doubt he has the resources on his own to take him on. That's they main difference here."

"Fuck, this shit is beyond Teresa flipping a table."

"It's definitely straining my relationship and I'm scared Jose." I whisper to him so that Sawyer can't hear.

"You think Vishaal is capable of..."

"No, not that. He's all about the cat and mouse game... I mean I don't know anymore actually." A shiver runs through my body at the thought of something happening to Christian. Jose senses my shift and puts his arm around me and gives me shoulder a light squeeze.

"I'm here to help in anyway I can, Ana."

"Thanks Jose, I cannot thank you enough." I say trying to suppress the lump forming in my throat.

We get our tacos and I start to get a nagging feeling in my stomach again. I've had it since last night... even after the morning Christian and I had, I thought I felt better but my stomach is still in knots. We walk back to GEH, talking smack about random stuff. We're about half a block away as we cross the street when I start to see a crowd of people running in our direction with cameras. I look behind me to see who could they be looking for... by the time I turn back, they're only about 6 feet away from me and I hear my name being screamed at me. Fear grips me and I look at Sawyer who's speaking into his earpiece as he grabs my arm.

"Code blue. I need back up. Code blue."

"Ana, do not let go of my hand. I will keep you safe. Keep your eyes down." Sawyer tells me and looks to Jose...and I feel everything around me go numb. My legs are jelly. I sense Jose grab my other arm as we try to walk the remainder half block to get to the GEH plaza. Everything is haze as I hear people yelling my name and shouting questions at me with flashes going off.

"ANASTASIA, HOW DID YOU GET THE GREAT CHRISTIAN GREY TO NOTICE YOU?"

"ANASTASIA DID YOU SLEEP YOUR WAY TO THE TOP?"

"IS HE GOOD IN BED?"

"DO YOU GET A RAISE FOR OVER-TIME?"

"ARE YOU PREGNANT?"

"WE THOUGHT HE WAS GAY, ARE YOU HELPING HIM PUT ON AN ACT?"

This can't be happening. How did they find out? No. NO.

Suddenly I'm on the ground on my knees and I feel myself being dragged up again. Christian. I need Christian. My hands hurt. My head hurts.

**CPOV**

"I want eyes on Rahman, Kapadia and Rothstein." I bark at Taylor.

"Yes sir, it's being arranged as we speak. As of now Mr. Rahman is still in New York with Mr. Rothstein. The Rothstein jet took off three hours ago and landed in Oakland and we got visual confirmation of Mr. Kapadia get in the car and drive to AHAK headquarters. However there is one more thing."

"Well... continue."

"A car came to pick him up at the Fairmont, he walked out with a woman, long red hair, incognito. They drove to Sea-Tac, she boarded the plane with him but did not disembark at Oakland. The jet is currently on its way to New York. We will be monitoring the situation."

"Can we get someone into the Fairmont security office."

"We did, this woman knew how to avoid the cameras. By her build and walk she looks to be in her early 30's ... we're trying to get a visual so we can run facial recognition."

"Keep me updated. Anything more from Welch."

"Still working on getting more information on Saphirars."

Christ. This is fucking exhausting. What the fuck is he playing at?

An hour later, Ros joins me for a conference call with our New York office. When Andrea opens the door and I signal her to come in. She hands me a piece of paper.

"Urgent. Holden is outside. Press knows about Miss Steele."

I look up at her and I see the concern in her eyes. I end the call with New York and Caleb walks through.

"How did the fuck did they find out?" I bark. Caleb looks stunned.

"Sir, is it true?"

"Yes. It is. Now how did they find out?"

"An article got posted an hour ago on Vogue India. A sneak peek into the Kapadia-Wetherington Wedding Love story. There were pictures of you and Miss Steele being close."

"FUCK."

My phone buzzes and I see its Taylor. "Sir. It's Miss Steele, she was ambushed by the paparazzi, Sawyer is bringing her up."

Fuck me. This week is just a fucking mess.

I hang up and ask everyone to leave my office. I walk out my office and in time I see the elevator open and I see Sawyer and Jose, holding Ana up. She's in shock and her knees are scraped. I run to her and take her from them. She doesn't respond. She's shivering violently.

"What happened?"

"Sir, we were ambushed and she tripped at we walking and the press got really rough."

I see a few cuts on Jose and Sawyer's face as I walk into my office but they wait outside.

I hold Ana but she won't speak.

"Baby, look at me. Ana look at me. Look you're safe." She looks up at me with tears in her eyes, shaking as I try to walk her to the couch.

She grabs on to the lapel of my jacket and screams loudly into my chest, while holding her hip. I feel the scream vibrate through every fiber of me as she faints.

FUCK. NO... FUCK.

I lay her on the couch and try to make her comfortable. Fuck, this is not supposed to be happening. I hear my door knock.

I go to open it.

"WHAT?"

"Sir."

I see Taylor standing along with Jose, Caleb and Sawyer in the background in the waiting area.

"Taylor, I want you to find out the name of every single fucker and put the fear of god into them. They better not publish any of those pictures or write anything. Where the fuck is Travis? Get him to co-ordinate this.

"Mr. Grey, Mr. Travis is away, I can handle it." Jose offers.

"Mr. Rodriguez, I'm sorry you had to be caught up with this. If you need to take the day off, I'll understand. Andrea do we have a first aid kit for Mr. Rodriguez and Sawyer?"

"Sir, it's no problem. I'll handle the legal side of things. It's just a few minor cuts."

I nod at him.

"Sir." Holden looks at me. "We need to put out a statement in order to get out ahead of everyone."

I look back at Ana. She needs to have a say in this but...

"Just confirm the bare minimum. Yes we are in a relationship. I need to talk to Miss Steele before we put out a detailed statement. Run everything by me before you put anything out there."

"Yes sir. Will email you something in the next 10 minutes." He walks towards the elevators.

"Sawyer, did Ana eat lunch?"

"No sir, we were on our way back with lunch. She had gotten a juice before we went to pick up something to eat."

"Okay, thank you. Are you okay?"

He looks at me confused. "Uh, yes sir. Thank you for asking. I'll go have this taken care of. I'll be in the security office if you need me."

I nod and walk back into the office.

I kneel beside her and brush hair off of her face. She looks so peaceful when she's sleeping. This is not how this was supposed to go. I go and get a washcloth from the bathroom and wipe her hands and knees that are now bruised and scraped. I can't even imagine the shit they must have said to her.

I hear her phone buzz off the hook. I pull it out of her pocket and I see 25 missed calls. From Nita, Nani, Kiran, that fucker, Karan, Kate and Rania. Her phone starts to buzz again and I see it's Nita.

"Mrs. Steele." I answer

"uhh... Christian?" She sounds like she's been crying.

"Yes."

"Is Aana there, can I please speak to her. She wasn't picking up."

"Mrs. Steele..."

"Please call me Nita."

"Nita, she was ambushed by the press outside work... when she finally got to my office she fainted from hip pain. She's resting right now."

I hear her stifle a sob.

"Is she hurt badly?"

"She has a few minor scrapes but she's safe now. I'm sorry."

"No, don't be silly. This isn't your fault at all. I'm trying to deal with it on my end as well. I know how much you both value your privacy. We are the same. I wish I had found out sooner. I'm looking to fly out early tomorrow morning and head to Seattle."

Ana will not want that.

"Nita, I'd ask for you to talk to Ana once she's awake before making a decision like that."

"Please have her call me as soon as she wakes up. I'll be waiting."

"I will."

"And Christian..."

"Yes?"

"Thank you so much for taking care of my Aanu. She means the world to me."

Fuck.

"She means the world to me as well. I will have her call you as soon as she's awake."

I put the phone down and set it to silent. I watch her phone light up with calls every 5 minutes. From Kate, Kiran, to Rania to Karan to that fucker. All taking turns. I text Kate from my own phone and let her know that Ana is safe but isn't able to talk and that I'll have Ana call her as soon as she can.

I look at Ana and a little while later she starts to open her eyes. She looks confused, I stroke her cheek and she looks to me and tears start to form.

"This is end isn't it... of my privacy and freedom?"

I swallow. There's not way I can protect her from this.

* * *

**Authors Note: **The drama still ain't over y'all. WE STILL GOING STRONG.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out board for chapter 38 :)


	40. Chapter 40

I can't believe, I got up to 40 chapters... well 38 if I minus the authors notes. but hot damn. still so much more to come. I promise the next few chapters will be light. Next one will be focused on valentines day. YAY. I honestly thought I'd be done with this story in 20 chapters but then I kept adding details and conversations and here we are familia.

Oh and I changed the story name to Darkness to Light because... the love and light thing was a very initial idea and yeah... i think this is more fitting. our babies are moving towards the light slowly but surely.

**Jess**: The theory about Val being the redhead made me CRACK UP and want to change the storyline just to have it but then I don't want Ana to deal with anymore hearbreak. So no, Val is not the redhead. We will eventually find out.

**Gowildcats**: your review made me GASP. so good. I have so many answers for you in the next chapters.

This one is a bit of a short chapter, our girl of Steele about to show us some major CEO moves.

How are you all doing? Sending you lots of love and sanity in this crazy time.

* * *

Chapter 40 – anchor up to me, my love.

_Thursday, February 13th, 2020_

"_This is end isn't it... of my privacy and freedom?"_

_I swallow. There's not way I can protect her from this._

She turns away from me and hides her face as she breaks into uncontrollable sobs. I rub her back, trying to soothe her.

"Baby... I'm sorry."

She calms down a little. "How did they find out?"

I take a deep breath. "Vogue India ran a look into Kiran and Scooter's wedding. Our pictures were in there. GEH put out confirmation our relationship but it's a simple confirmation. I didn't want to put out a detailed statement until I spoke to you."

"What the fuck?" She looks at me surprised.

"Yeah, there are about 10 or so pictures of us. Some of us being close, a few of us dancing and laughing." Truth is they're amazing pictures of us, I just wish the world didn't have to see them.

She silently shakes her head with her eyes tightly shut. She takes a few deep breaths and gets up. "I need to call mama."

"I spoke with her."

"You did?" she looks at me surprised and as I give her phone back to her.

"It's been ringing non-stop. I saw Nita calling and picked up. She's waiting to talk to you."

She nods and makes to call Nita. She talks to her in a mix of Urdu and English and cries a little telling her not to come back until all legalities are taken care of in India.

"No mama, I'm fine. I promise I am. Christian and Kate are here and he has security. I promise I'll be fine. Whatever happened just now just caught us by surprise... we'll be fine. I will keep you updated. I promise. Please don't worry and tell Nani I'm fine too." It breaks my heart how she's lying to her mom to not feel like a burden.

She hangs up and cradles her face in hands trying to take deep breaths. I hear a knock on the office door. I go to open it and I see Andrea standing with some food, an orange juice and some Advil.

"Sir, I overhead that Ana didn't eat anything. I ordered something for you both. I hope she feels better soon." She gives a small smile. I'm floored by the gesture.

"Thank you Andrea... I'm sure she'll appreciate this."

"You're welcome, Sir." She nods and walks back to her desk.

I walk back and place the food in front of Ana. "Baby, Andrea got you something to eat. You need to have something."

"Honestly, eating is the last thing on my mind. I'm too fucking angry right now." She says trying to control her emotions. "I need to call Kiran and ask her how the fuck this happened."

"You think she did this?"

"Only her and I had the link to the sneak peek gallery for the wedding photos... unless she shared it with Vogue India, directly."

She goes through her phone again and calls Kiran setting it to speaker. Kiran picks up on the second ring.

"AANA... babygirl I am so sorry..."

Ana speaks with a chilling calm. "Why are you apologizing, Kiran? Did you do something wrong?"

"Baby girl... I messed up. I swear I didn't realize until the article went up."

"How did they get the photos?"

"Vishaal Bhai is good friends with the EIC and I met her last week for dinner when she was visiting SF. Bhai had shown her some BTS pictures of the wedding previously... she said she would love to do a feature for Valentine's day... so I sent her a link... and..."

"and you didn't think to perhaps make some selects from the sneak peek gallery and send her a heavily edited version, there were over 250 images in that gallery Kiran... didn't you maybe think that some people may value their privacy?"

"Aana, I honestly forgot there were pictures of you and Christian in there... I didn't realize it would be such an issue."

"Kiran, do the fucking math with me, a white girl in a sari, sitting next to a gorgeous guy... what did you think was going to happen? All Vogues are in contact with each other, they would've found out who he was within minutes. Do you realize what this is doing for their SEO and not to mention the affiliate links? You just made them a fuck ton of money at the expense of MY PRIVACY AND SAFETY KIRAN. ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY NOW?" She yells the last part and holy fuck she is terrifying.

"Aana... I'm really sorry..." Kiran's voice breaks.

"Aana, it was an honest mistake." We hear Vishaal's voice come through.

"Take me off of speakerphone."

"Aana, calm down." Vishaal says.

"Stay the fuck out of this Vishaal. Kiran take me off of speakerphone. Do not make me repeat myself." She seethes.

"Fine. It's off. Why are you being so mean to Vishaal Bhai? He's only trying to help."

"I don't need anyone's help. This conversation is between us. Now listen to me, I want you to call PR at KGI, I don't give two shits about what time it is over there right now, wake them the fuck up and tell them that the only comment is NO COMMENT. If they are desperate to put out a statement then they can redirect it to GEH. Let me be clear... the only statement that will be made about me will be from GEH, no one else. Do you understand?"

"I'll let the KGI PR team now. Aana, I'm really sorry."

"You really fucked up Kiran. You know the shit I went through with Rania's wedding. I was fucking cyber bullied for weeks on end and I had to change my number... I can't believe you would be so careless again. You really lack foresight."

"Aana... "

"I'm done. I will call you if I need anything else. Goodbye."

She hangs up and starts another call.

"Aana..."

Her voice breaks. "Raniapa..."

"Tell me what you need. I'll get it done."

"Just that AHAK maintain a no comment stance. Any statements about me will come through GEH only."

"Consider it done. We've been holding off, I wanted to hear from you. Our PR department has been inundated with calls and emails."

"Thanks Apa... I really appreciate this."

"Are you okay baby? Do you need anything? Listen if you want to get away from everything, come over, I can send the jet for you or my assistant can book you a flight and I'll pick you up. You can chill here and we'll snuggle with Aria. She's been saying more bad words, it's fucking adorable." She giggles and it makes Ana laugh.

"I would love to but I think I should stay here. I'll be fine... it's just a shock."

"I know baby girl."

"I'm going to send a message in the family group for everyone to not give out or confirm any information about me... can you reiterate it with some big sister fear after I've done it?"

'I got you boo. Take care of yourself... and let me know if you need absolutely anything."

"I will, Raniapa. I love you. Give Aria a big hug from me."

"You know I will. I love you."

She hangs up and covers her face trying to breathe a little more.

"Ana..." I rub her back.

She looks to me and I can tell she's really trying to keep it together. "Why are people so fucking stupid and selfish?"

"Now you know why I'm always yelling at people." I smirk and she giggles and tears start to fall from her eyes. I pull her in for a hug and kiss her forehead.

"They're going to be so brutal, Christian. I've been through this before but this time it'll be worse."

"What happened at Rania's wedding?"

"After Rania's wedding, a tabloid reported that I was a relationship with Karan. It was so stupid. It spread like wildfire and it was horrible because my socials got hounded with so much negativity, my number got found out and it was just really bad... Karan and Vishaal are like top tier in the community, women throw themselves at them... there's a fascination and I got a lot of hate for it even though a statement was put out that Karan is my brother but the damage was done."

Fuck... this will be on a whole other level. I hold her tight. "Baby, I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I just... was hoping we could have more time you know. Now... everything's changed. I can't even..."

Her phone rings again and she looks back at me and straightens herself.

"Carla?"

"Anastasia." Carla's voice sings from the other side. She sounds... fake. Her voice lacks the warmth that Ana has. "Oh honey, you didn't tell me you were dating a billionaire... look at you aiming for the stars."

"What do you want?" Ana closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose.

"Is that how you talk to your mother?"

"I talk to my mother with a lot of love and respect, you on the other hand are a very different story."

She scoffs. "Is that what she taught you? You think you're dating a billionaire and suddenly you're one of them."

"I'm hanging up."

"No wait... I just wanted to let you know that I've gotten several calls in the last 30 minutes about giving an interview. Everyone wants to know who you are." She laughs.

Ana looks back to me, tears forming in her eyes. She takes a deep breath.

"Listen to me Carla, I'm only going to say this once so you better hear me loud and clear. If you so much as confirm my middle name to any media house or even your local hairdresser, I swear to god, I will have the legal teams of 3 multi-nationals descend upon you like a pack of vultures and snatch your country club life away from you. Do you hear me? Consider this my last conversation with you. I am done."

"I am your mother Anastasia."

"Giving birth to me doesn't make you my mother. You neglected me and put me in danger and then you wanted to kill me. YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME." She screams.

She hangs up and starts to wail and my heart aches for her. I pull her in for hug and hold her as tight as I can as she cries into my chest.

"I'm sorry baby. I wish I could take your pain away." My voice is strained. I hold her face and bring it to me and kiss her.

She pulls away and shakes her head. "I'm okay... that conversation was a long time coming. It had to be done... she was probably looking for a payday anyway. Some birth mother..."

"Honestly, you have all the makings of CEO. Seeing you handle this right now... I'm floored."

"Watch out Mr. Hotshot, I'll take over your company." She giggles and I lean in to give her a small kiss. _My brave girl._

"Do you want to go home baby?"

"Can we stay here a little while? I'm a little nervous to go out there."

"We can stay here as long as you like." I tell her.

"How are Jose and Sawyer? I can't believe I forgot to ask about them. I should go see them, I'm such an asshole friend."

"Ana, they're fine... just some minor cuts. Jose is handling the legal side of all this and Sawyer is in the security office. "

She slowly nods. She picks up her phone again and calls Kate. They talk for a bit and Kate assures her she'll be back from Atlanta early morning tomorrow and they can discuss a plan of action over lunch. I tell Ana that she should stay home at Escala and spend some time with Kate and that work will be taken care of. I can tell she's feeling off kilter. Her whole life is blowing up again and she is going to be scrutinized. Fuck. This is a fucking mess.

Once she ends the call, she starts another call.

"Karan bhai."

"Bachay... are you okay? I saw what happened. I'm so sorry. Tell me what you need."

"I'm okay... Kiran fucked up."

"Of course she did. If she ever thought about anyone outside of herself, it would make her a hell of a lot more tolerable." He groans.

"Dude, she didn't even cull the images. She just gave the entire fucking gallery to Vogue India."

"She's got shit for brains, that's why."

"Also... Vishaal showed up to the Gala I was at last night in Seattle."

"WHAT?"

"Yeah, he essentially ambushed me in front of Christian and the GEH COO and tried acting all charming and shit. He took me aside and basically accused me of selling myself for the Rahman info."

'What do you say to him about that?"

"I told him that his friend needed to learn how to keep his shit under wraps. Don't worry, he doesn't know that I got it from you. But he thinks I sold that information to land the deal. He's monitoring my financials. I got a bonus from work after the deal, the COO insisted on it... "

"I'm sorry bachay, I wish I could help. This new security upgrade and him becoming even more secretive... it's hard for me to get more information on him."

"It's okay bhai, I'll be fine. I don't foresee myself being in public anymore thanks to all this shit now. I guess in a way it's a blessing. The only time I'll see him now is at Aashu's wedding I guess. Or when I come to SF to meet Nani and Mama. Hopefully he'll be travelling by then."

"Fingers crossed. I have some trips planned with him, we're still finalizing them, as soon as they're locked in you'll see them on my calendar and you can go to SF during those times as well."

"Thank Bhai, I will. I have to go now, I will keep you posted."

"Take care of yourself Bachay, I'm here if you need anything. Come to Miami whenever you want to get away. Even if I'm not here, Tony and Spencer will be."

Her voice breaks. "I will Bhai. Thank you. Love you."

"Love you, Bachay."

They all really do love her. It's beautiful to see but... she's still keeping them all at arms length. She's still trying to protect them.

"Baby?"

"Yeah?" She says but doesn't look at me. She looks tired.

"We need to go over what you'd like in the detailed statement."

"Honestly Christian. I don't want to give out any information. Just the confirmation and request for privacy should suffice. I don't want to mention any of my family associations, nothing."

"Okay, I understand that."

"I know they will dig, they've probably uncovered shit already. I'm sorry for how this will reflect on you." She says as she starts to cry.

"What are you talking about Ana? Nothing you could ever do would reflect badly on me."

"Well the stuff about Carla, I'm sure they'll ... I don't know."

I interrupt her with a deep kiss, trying to tell her how much I love her. "Baby, forget everything. Only you and I matter. What we have, here, right now... this is all that matters." I stroke her cheek and she looks into my eyes with tears falling as she nods.

"Yeah, you're right. This is all just... I'm scared."

"I know... but we'll get through this."

She hugs me and I hold her. A little while later, I hear my office door knock again. I go to see who it is and it's Ros.

She walks in and asks Ana how she's feeling. Ana shrugs and tries to make a joke and Ros pulls her in for a hug.

"You guys need to see this." Ros says with a grim expression and walks to turn on the TV.

What shows on the screen makes my heart fall into my stomach and takes me back to the evening after Christmas Day, 7 years ago.

_FLASHBACK_

_Wednesday, December 26th, 2012_

_Mia has blackmailed me into staying an extra night at Mom and Dad's. I'd honestly rather be at home in my playroom having a good hard and punishing fuck with a tied up submissive. Sabrina isn't the most experienced sub, she safe words every now and then... but she's the only one I've got till I can cut her loose after the holidays. Elena needs to really step her fucking game with finding me prospects who can take a good punishment session._

_Grandpa Theo and Grandma Margot are spending the holidays at Mom and Dad's along with Uncle Richards's family from South Carolina. Thank God, he has kids that are Mia's age which means I don't have to deal with entertaining them. Elliot has brought another flavor of the month airhead he parades around as a girlfriend. Thankfully, everyone has stopped asking me about my... 'special someone', though Grandma Margot is determined as ever. Fuck special 'someone's'. Fuck love. That shit is useless. Love is for fools._

_We've just finished dessert and are slowly pouring into the TV room for a late night drink when what I see on the TV makes me stop in my tracks._

_The breaking news shows an aerial view of the I-5 right outside Olympia, a scene of a 15-20 car collision with a huge, 18 wheeler truck with emergency responders and services working to rescue survivors with some cars on fire. We all watch in horror as the news anchor announces that the only survivor is young woman who is a minor. Officials are not allowed to share her information. 35 are confirmed dead. Only 1 survivor. How does one survive an accident like that? It looks gruesome. It looks like a warzone. _

_I see Mia sob. "Oh my god. She must only be in school like me... "_

"_Heaven help her and grant her a speedy recovery. I can't imagine the call her loved ones must've gotten tonight." Grandma Margot says with sadness._

"_Fuck... that is... God, how does one even survive something like that?" Elliot looks in shock._

_END FLASHBACK._

I'm met with the same aerial view showing on television.

"Our sources have confirmed that the survivor of the I-5 crash from 7 years ago, known as the 'Miracle Survivor' is indeed Anastasia Steele, current girlfriend of Christian Grey of Grey Enterprises Holdings." The presenter says.

Ros and I look to Ana. She just silently stares with tears falling, at the aerial view and pictures they show of the gruesome accident on TV.

That was her. I could've done something. It was her. She needed me. I'm reminded of file Kate sent me. She arrested three times on the way to the hospital. She almost left us. She barely held on.

"Please stop looking at me like that." She says, looking at Ros.

"Ana, I'm so sorry." Ros says with a strained voice.

"I'm fine now." She takes a deep breath. "Now that they've found this out, they're going to dig into my medical records and then the extent of my injuries and recovery will come out, then I'll go from the broke legal assistant to the charity case to be looked down upon with pity. Then they'll find out my association to AHAK and KGI, then I'll be the rich white girl who they can hate on, that made a full recovery because she had the money." She says with disgust and walks away towards the windows.

Ros looks at me and I've never seen her show emotion like that before. "Take care of her. I'll go back to my office, if you need anything, let me know." She whispers. I nod and she leaves.

I walk to Ana and she's looking out silently crying.

"I'm tired Christian. I'm tired of desperately trying to keep my head above water. I'm so fucking tired and the tide keeps coming in. I can't..."

I hold her and she sobs into my chest. I can't protect her from any of this and I have nothing to say that will comfort her.

"Let's go home. Fuck all of this Ana, let's go home and we'll get in bed and relax. You've had a really long day. You need to eat something as well. We can take a bath and just block all this out"

"We should meet with your PR team before we do. I can imagine they have questions." She says wiping her eyes.

"If you don't want to confirm anything then we don't need to meet with them. We can keep our statements to a bare minimum. Let the press say whatever they want. This will all die down, it will take a while but it will fade."

"Can I meet with Jose before we leave?"

"Sure baby, I'll call him up."

I ask Andrea to have Jose meet us in my office. He walks through a few minutes later and Ana gives him a big hug and cries, apologizing to him. He makes a joke about how his scars while not becoming of a Queen, will definitely give him some badass street cred. He instantly makes Ana feel better. He gives me an update on the success of keeping the photos Ana from earlier off of the Internet.

"While I'm not happy that my hag is surpassing me... I'll let it go just this once for the promise of my 5 minutes of fame." Jose declares.

"Yes, of course, how could I forget?" Ana rolls her eyes and gives him another hug. "You'll be okay?" She asks.

"Girl, I survived middle school and high school bullying. This is child's play, plus, I look like a fucking snack now... everyone's gonna want a piece of this. " he wiggles his eyebrows and we all laugh.

We head down to the garage in the private elevator and meet with Taylor and Sawyer. Ana gives a Sawyer a hug.

"Thank you for keeping me safe, Luke." she says. Luke awkwardly looks at me and pats her shoulder awkwardly.

"Just doing my job, Miss Steele." He gives her a small smile.

"I'm making you your own batch of cookies." she giggles and he nods.

We exit the GEH building garage and are met with a crowd of paparazzi with flashes going off. Thank god for tinted windows but Ana still buries her face in my chest. I hold her tight and kiss her forehead. We're met with a similar scene at Escala, thank God for private garage entrances.

...

Sitting in the bath, Ana barely says a word. She leans against my back and is deathly quiet. I try to engage her in conversation but she gives one word and disinterested answers. I'm desperate to know what's going on in her mind. She doesn't want to meet with Flynn.

"Baby, let's get out of the bath and get something to eat. Gail made mac and cheese." I kiss her temple and she slowly nods.

We sit and eat but again she barely says a word. She takes a bite here and there. Her face is tense and I can tell that her mind is in overdrive. Once we're done, I make her some tea and we head into my study to meet with Taylor and Sawyer for a security update. A conversation that I know is not going to go well.

"So you're telling me that, I can't do anything like I did before?" She looks at Taylor with her voice wavering. "I can't go back to my apartment, I can't go to pilates, or for groceries or even to buy lunch outside GEH, or hangout with my friends or go to galleries... I can't take a walk? I'm just supposed to be stuck up here?"

"Miss Steele, I understand that this is a difficult situation but given the media interest it raises security concerns. Your apartment building is not secure. From now on, anywhere you go, you'll need a minimum of two CPO's at all times. We can't take the risk and yes I would suggest you limit your outings to the bare minimum and only when necessary."

She looks at me and then Taylor and covers her face and takes a few deep breaths. She gets up and walks away.

"Ana..."

"I need to be alone right now..." I hear her voice break as she walks out.

"Sir, I suggest adding Prescott to her detail with Sawyer."

"Agreed."

"This is a fucking mess. This is not how it was supposed to go."

"I understand."

"Any updates on the woman from Fairmont?"

"She was seen disembarking at Teterboro and going into the Rothstein's apartment building but never left. It's been a few hours. We haven't been able to get enough of her face to run facial recognition."

"Fuck... and Rahman?"

"He too hasn't left Rothstein's apartment in over 24 hours."

"Let me know as soon as something changes."

I walk out of my study and go to find Ana. She's not in the library or bedroom. I ask Gail and she tells me she saw her go upstairs.

I find her sitting by the windows in the guest room we were in last night. She's sitting on the couch her with her back towards me. Her is face resting on her arms as she looks out of the window while listening to some music. She's still lost in thought.

_And I hear your ship is comin' in  
Your tears a sea for me to swim  
And I hear a storm is comin' in  
My dear is it all we've ever been?  
Anchor up to me, love.  
Anchor up to me, love.  
Anchor up to me, love.  
Oh, Anchor up to me, love._

_Anchor up to me, my love, my love_

_My love._

I go and sit next to her. Her eyes are fixed on the Ferris Wheel. She's not crying but she's looks lost.

"I used to love Ferris Wheels. Every September we'd had this visiting fair that would come to Montesano and Dad would always indulge me and take me on the rides they had... when I first moved to Seattle, I'd walk a lot. Kate was busy with work so instead of staying home all the time, I'd sometimes walk around. When I lost my job at SIP, I was so angry and sad. I went to the Ferris Wheel and took a ride. I missed Dad so much. The thought of maybe having to go back to SF was frightening..."

"What about DC? Didn't you have an offer from Senator Rosenthal."

"That was Vishaal's hookup. Senator Rosenthal's office called me out of the blue and she offered me the job. It was a day after the GEH interview and it pissed me off because I didn't ask for it but it was another way of him trying to weasel his way into my life. I told her I'd let her know as soon as I heard from you guys. I was never going to take the DC job, even if I hadn't gotten the GEH job. I was determined to stay in Seattle. Going back was an extreme last resort."

"How does he know her?"

"Jacob and Vishaal were close growing up. KGI donates to her campaign."

The fucker. Of course he does.

"I know the security briefing was jarring for you... I'm sorry."

"It is what it is... this is what my life has been like for the past 7 years. One step forward and I fool myself into thinking that I'm doing better and that I can be happy and out of nowhere, I'm yanked back down and beaten... and I never learn. My life will never be the same again. The single most harrowing moment of my life is being dissected on entertainment channels as fodder for the masses to pity or scrutinize me. Some Miracle survivor..."

"I'm sorry Ana... "

"It's not your fault... I just... I used to have so many dreams but after everything I realized that maybe it wasn't meant for me so I had to keep my life and my expectations small and manageable. All I wanted was a small life with friends and love you know. I wanted freedom and independence and even that, the most basic tents of my life have been snatched away. I tried to do everything right... and none of it matters. My whole life is being blown up on a projector screen, I read the shit that they are saying. You're the boy wonder, the self-made billionaire... I'm nothing." She shakes her head and cries.

"Ana, you're everything to me. You're everything to the people who love you."

She takes a deep breath. "I meant professionally. I didn't even get a chance to make a name for myself. Now, no one will ever take me seriously or listen to me for me. It'll only be because I'm your girlfriend. I won't be just Anastasia Steele, I'll be Christian Grey's girlfriend, Anastasia Steele. I'll be an accessory... this is why I never mentioned my associations to AHAK and KGI... everyone at GEH will look down on me. No one will trust me anymore. You can't control how people think. Maybe how they act in the confines of GEH but not their minds. I worked really hard to prove myself. I worked overtime to show that I'm dedicated and now... it'll all be looked down on. I can't show my face there anymore" She wipes her face.

"Ana, fuck what they think. They don't matter."

"Christian, that is so easy for you say. You're a man. You walk in the room and everyone takes you seriously. I walk in a room, the first they notice about me is how I'm dressed or look, then it's about my brain and whether or not I have what it takes. You've made your mark on the world. I didn't want to conquer the world but I wanted to be respected by my peers and I put in the work... and now every single facet of my life is being blown up again. First, I was confined to a bed and unable to move and now, I can move but I am unable to live freely."

She looks out the window again and the embers of the sun are fading. The room is dark and she takes a deep breath.

_But not to call me back or say good-bye;  
And further still at an unearthly height,  
A luminary clock against the sky_

_Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.  
I have been one acquainted with the night._

"Wasn't that a Robert Frost poem?" I ask her.

"Yeah... it's one of my favorites. I found this band in recovery and saw that they had turned the poem into a song. I thought it was really beautiful... I walked a lot to it when I first moved to Seattle. It seemed fitting. I was lonely and trying to find some happiness."

"It's beautiful."

"Yeah..."

"Do you want to go and stay with Rania for a couple of days?" Maybe that will make her feel better.

She shakes her head. "I imagine I'll have trouble in SF too. I don't want to put Aria in any danger. Whenever I go back to visit, I like to go outdoors, I have my traditions of things I like to do there... what's the point if I'm going to be stuck indoors. Might as well just stay here."

"We can have your things moved here over the weekend."

She shrugs. "It is. What it is."

"Ana, don't be like that. It's for your safety."

"Christian, you wanted me to move in. I guess I'm moving in. What else do you want me to say?"

"I don't want you to resent me."

"I don't resent you. I just... " she takes a deep breath trying not to cry again. "I just... I really miss my dad right now. He was my anchor. He knew what to say and I'm honestly really tried of trying to keep it together. It's just one blow after the other. It just doesn't stop. What's the point if I'm only in survival mode. I'm trying my best to thrive but this is just..." She shakes her head and buries her face in her arms and sobs.

I pull her close to me and kiss her forehead.

"This is not how our first months were supposed to be. We're supposed to be happy and doing things that normal couples do. This is fucking ridiculous."

"Well, we're not really normal people now are we, or we'd be boring as fuck like Elliot and Kate."

She laughs. "Yeah and who wants to be boring?"

I tip her face up to me and kiss her. "I love you, Miss Steele."

"I love you Mr. Grey."

"Don't worry about people at GEH. You've proved yourself time and time again. You already know who is in your corner... they are the only people who matter."

"I know, it's just that, I don't want to cause any problems for Mr. Travis. It's hard enough getting other departments to co-ordinate and getting shit through to legal... I don't want them to all fuck with me and make it tough for legal again."

"Well, Miss Steele... I guess you're going to have to continue to bake more cookies."

She giggles. "I'm taking a break this weekend. I'm tired. They can do without the extra calories for a while."

"Are you ready for our date tomorrow?"

"I guess, I mean, you okay with my having scraped knees and bruised hands? I need to find a dress to hide this shit." She shrugs.

I kiss her deeply. "Baby, you would wear a burlap sack and you'd still look like a goddess."

"Wow, you really are laying it on thick. Don't worry, Grey... I'll still sleep with you." She giggles and starts to laugh deliriously.

"Okay, just checking." I smirk.

We get up and walk downstairs to my bedroom.

"Can you believe, it's only 8:30pm, and I swear to god, I want to go to sleep. Like... I'm so old."

"And you call me an old fart."

"Well yeah, you are. Look at you, you're walking to bed with me."

"Only because I have an ulterior motive."

"You ALWAYS have an ulterior motive."

"True. No denying that."

We get into bed and hold each other.

"Gail will make you and Kate lunch and then Caroline will meet you at the spa for you both to have massages and get ready for your dates."

"What, I don't need that stuff. I got a massage yesterday."

"Its already arranged Miss Steele. You better show up. You had a long today, you need it."

"What about you? You need to relax too. I can give you a massage... or is that too much? I don't want to hurt you."

"No, you won't hurt me and I wouldn't mind a massage from you actually. It would just take some getting used to."

"Only if you're comfortable with it..." she kisses the corner of my mouth.

"By the way, PR sent me some pictures from last night."

"Oh god..."

I laugh and show them to her. "Scroll through..."

She takes my phone an goes through them. "Wow, look at us, we look like we've been forced to stand together. Look at that gap. Like... wow. No one would EVER guess we're together. They'd think we hate each other. Like, that is not a picture of two people who have sex with each other at all. You're barely smiling, as usual and I'm just a deer in headlights and Ros is so not bothered."

I laugh out loud.

"Oh and look this... I look like a fucking lunatic singing on that stage... BY THE WAY... can we discuss that?" She puts the phone down and looks at me.

"Was that planned, cause I SWEAR TO GOD, I will bury both you and Ros."

"No baby, it wasn't, I promise. That was all Ros, feel free to bury her, I will help dig a hole in the ground."

"God, it was so nerve-wracking."

"You killed it. You alone raised $5.5 million. Do you realize that?"

"Yeah, that was really unexpected. I didn't plan on doing that bit after the performance, I mean I saw the numbers and I got pissed cause I knew that there were a bunch of hotshots in the room and I'm like, fucking donate your money assholes. So I shamed them. Nothing like shaming rich people and making them feel bad in their expensive clothes while they eat fancy ass food. I had more to say but I had to keep it classy for the kids." She sasses.

"Well you did amazing. Everyone was looking at you well after the performance was over. I wanted to kiss you so badly... and now that everyone knows I will kiss you to my hearts content in public."

She looks at me. "Christian Grey into PDA? Who are you?"

"Miss Steele, it's a whole new world for me."

"If anyone had told me on my first day of GEH that the brooding and crabby but hot CEO would be under my spell and talking about PDA. I would have had them committed." She giggles

"I wish I had met you on the first day."

"But we're here now. Took us, well mostly me, since I put in all the work... 10 years but we made it in the end."

I laugh and give her big wet kiss. "That we did baby."

"Until we put on a show for the public, can you show me some private displays of affection?" She wiggles her eyebrows and I have to laugh.

"Miss Steele, are you blatantly asking for sex? How brazen."

"Yes. I'm a 21st century woman and I know what I want. I want sex... so get to it, Grey." she giggles.

"Yes ma'am." I chuckle.

We make quick work of getting naked as she giggles between kisses and our hands roaming over each other. She holds on to me tightly as I enter her slowly.

"You feel that baby... this is all that matters. You and me."

She moans her assent and closes her eyes, enjoying and meeting me thrust for thrust as her hands find their way into my hair.

"You're so tight baby... you were made for me and only me."

"Only you... Christian... I'm so close..." she starts to tighten around me and soon enough we both let go and are left a complete panting and sweaty mess.

I try to pull out of her but she stops me.

"No please... just stay with me like this for a little while longer." I hear voice waver.

I hold her face and stroke her cheek. "What happened baby?"

"I don't want to go back to reality just yet." Tears fall out of her eyes.

I shower her with kisses. "You're safe here baby, nothing will happen to you."

* * *

**Authors Note: **I kept this a bit short. the next chapter is about valentines day and it'll be drama free. I promise.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out board for chapter 38-39-40 :)

**Music:**

Anchor - Novo Amor

Acquainted With The Night - Blue Rose Code.


	41. Chapter 41

Hi everyone! How are we all doing?

**Gowldcats:** you were the 900th review. YAY, I sent you a PM.

Also, if you check chapter 12 - Author's Note from March 6th, you will see the family tree. I know it got a little confusing for a bit but I hope that authors note will clear things up.

I saw some new people reviewed. HIIII, thank you for following my little dramatic story. Thank you so much for following along this rollercoaster in a time when our real lives are one bumpy ride.

After Chapter 42, I think I will be doing some time jumps. 2-3 week jumps. We'll see. i'm still working on that. Till then, some happiness for our favorite couple in love.

* * *

Chapter 41 – Lovesick

_February 14__th__, 2020._

_XxXxXxXxX__xXxXxXxX__xXxXxXxX__xXxXxXxX__xXxXxXxX__xXxXxXxX__xXxXxXxX__xXxXxXxX__xXxXxXxX__xXxXxXxX__xXxXxXxX__xXxXxXxX_

**_CARMELA ON TOP FOR SEATTLE NOOZ_**

_Well, well... my little caramel bites. It appears all of Seattle and the US of A is in a tizzy. Our resident Prince Charming, Christian Grey has finally found himself a lady. From broken bones to the royal throne, it appears little Miss Anastasia Steele has finally won our Prince's heart. I guess Miracles do happen. Sources say they met at wedding, how very rom-com, if you ask me... though I do believe there was a little more going on behind the scenes at work if you know what I mean. I wonder how she caught the big boss's attention. Anastasia, if you're reading this and wouldn't mind giving any tips... we're all eyes and ears._

_That being said, Little Miss Steele will be one to watch in the coming days. Rumors are she comes from a small town in Washington but also has ties to big money. Never knew Christian Grey was into the 'girl next door type'. I can hear the sounds of many hearts breaking across the USA._

_You know how dedicated I am to getting you the scoop. I may have to get to the bottom of things but don't worry, I always come out on top ;)_

_Send me your delicious thoughts._

_Love and Caramel,_

_Carmela On Top._

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**APOV**

I wake up to light kisses on my neck and a considerably excited guest wanting to visit. I feel Christian's assault on my right breast... he's such an addict but it makes me smile. He's turned me into one as well. I feel his hand travel down between my legs and play with my clit. He uses his two fingers to glide between my now swollen lips, slowly... up and down. It takes everything in me not to moan as his other free hand now curls around my neck, slowly turning my face towards him. My eyes are still closed as he plants soft kisses on my lips.

"I know you're awake baby. No use fighting it." I hear that low baritone voice that melts me into a puddle on the inside. The fucker is smiling; I can feel it with each kiss.

"It's not like you've given me a choice. You've launched an all out assault from all sides, Grey." I giggle with my eyes closed.

"I just know what buttons to push baby."

"hmmm, I can feel your excitement." I moan.

"The little fucker and I are addicted to you." He chuckles and kisses me again and I get lost dancing with his tongue.

He enters me slowly. Holding me in place and it feels like heaven. I love it when he holds me like this. Not letting me move, his hand on my neck as he moves in and out of me while his fingers tease me.

"Christian..." I call out to him in between kisses.

"Do you like this baby?"

"Y-y-esss." I'm a complete mess. My hand reaches back and I grab on to his hair. I hear a low groan as he bites down on my neck causing me to moan out loud again. "Don't stop... please..."

He starts to really pick up the pace as his grip on me tightens and it feels like heaven. With each thrust I climb higher and higher, my breathing quickens to the point where I can't even make a sound. I feel myself tighten around me with extreme force and he grunts into my mouth. I half moan and half scream into him as I come. Completely shattered and trying to catch my breath but he's still going. Thrusting into me as he buries his face into my neck. Soon enough he stills and groans my name into my neck, holding me in a vice like grip as I feel him shoot his load into me. I will never get enough of this feeling. Of him filing me. Leaving a part of himself inside of me. Only me.

His hand is still on my neck, holding on to me as he tries to calm himself down. "I love it when you hold me like this." I whisper.

"What do you love about it baby?" he asks in between his all consuming kisses.

"It makes me feel wanted and protected... it makes me feel close to you." I say looking into his eyes and there's that look again. That intense, magnetic look, staring into my eyes with his thumb tracing circles on my cheek.

"That's all I ever want you to feel with me, baby." He says with undeniable sincerety. I raise my face to kiss him again.

...

I sit on the bathroom counter and watch him get dressed. "I feel like a coward for not going into work today." I muse.

"Ana, you're not a coward. I wouldn't go into work either but I've got a meeting with the M & A team about Lot 43 and some companies we've been looking into. I'll be back by 3pm. I want you to be ready."

"Don't we have to meet Catherine from HR and officially tell her we're together? I mean, GEH has a strict non-fraternization policy." I ask.

"Well, it's good thing you're sleeping with the guy who runs the actual show." He smirks.

I try not to laugh. "You're such ass."

"You're obsessed with checking out this ass." He laughs. "Technically, we have a clause that if as long as you're not in a relationship with your direct supervisor you're fine and HR looks favorably if you disclose your relationship before you're found out and baby, I'm not your direct supervisor though sometimes I really wish I was. It would make work a whole lot of fun for me."

"God, you are SUCH A PERVERT." I roll my eyes.

"Did you roll your eyes at me?"

"Yeah, I did. Whatchu gon' do about it... PUNK?" I sass back at him and laughs. He walks over to me and holds me.

"It's fine. Catherine adores you like everyone else in that building but if it makes you feel any better, we can meet with her on Monday. We'll walk right up to her office, hand in hand and announce ourselves. Happy?"

"Hand in hand in front of everyone?" Please do not say yes. I will be mortified.

"Yes. I want to show the whole god damn world you're mine."

I take a deep breath and roll my eyes. "What's next, you're gonna walk me to my desk, carrying my bag? Like how high school guys carry their girlfriend's books and drop them off at their class and give them a kiss?" I raise an eyebrow.

He thinks for a moment. Seriously considering what I said."Yes. I never had that experience in high school so yes, I will walk you to your desk and kiss you with all the indecency in the world before I say goodbye."

"Oh my god. All the women in GEH will murder my ass."

"Not before I'm done with it." He smirks.

"Fuck you, Grey." I narrow my eyes at him trying not laugh.

"Miss Steele, you most certainly will fuck me tonight, as I will you." Before I can respond he locks me in a searing kiss and I'm lost.

He has such a way of making me feel like a teenager sometimes.

Mrs. Jones insisted on making us a full on brunch spread but I told her that pancakes are all we need and maybe some cut fruit. She indulged me and made caramel pecan cinnamon pancakes to honor my obsession with caramel pecanbons. The last time I had some was during the holidays. They don't have any locations in Seattle proper. I need to remind Christian I need my fix when we're in Bellevue next. Chances are he's never had one. I have so much to teach him about that world.

I give Kate a crushing hug and cry like a baby. I've missed her so much. We sit down to eat and devour our food like heathens. It's been forever since we had our breakfast dates. After we're done, I take her up to the guest room and we sit on the couch by the window with a glass of wine for her and tea for me. I set an alarm on my phone because god knows we'll keep on talking and miss our spa appointments.

"My girl is fucking famous." Kate laughs.

"More like just a target for abuse." I roll my eyes.

"Have you seen the latest stuff?"

"No, I just saw some of the initial stuff yesterday evening and it was fucked up and fucked with my brain."

"Well baby now they love you. The Seattle Times round up of the Seattle-Mason Gala has you pegged as a friend of charities given your little shame game with Seattle's Elite."

I roll my eyes. "The press are fickle... no offense. They just ride waves. I'm sure by this evening they'll hate me again for taking away their darling boy from them."

"How do you want to play this?"

"I don't want to play it Kate. I want it to shut the fuck up and leave me alone... which brings me to my next issue... Christian wants me to move in. Security says our apartment building isn't secure and well, he wants me to move in with him anyway. I wanted to run it by you."

"Actually, I'm glad you brought it up because I've been thinking about moving in with Elliot for some time now. I'm barely at the apartment anyway and when I am in Seattle I'm mostly with him trying to spend as much time as I can before heading out again. And once Ethan comes back from wrapping up everything in Boston, he can take over the apartment."

Phew... this is easy. "So I guess we aren't going to be roommates anymore, huh?" I say and I start to feel the tears in my eyes. I look up at her and she's battling the same emotion.

"Fuck... I'm gonna miss you Steele."

"I'm gonna miss you too, Kavanagh. Can we please promise to try and hangout? I know this is a transitory time for the both of us, given our new relationships and now the demand of your job, but there's no replacing you in my life. I'm always going to need my best friend."

"Oh fuck yeah, we need to. In fact, I was talking to dad two days ago. I don't think I want to be CEO for Kavanagh Media anymore. I mean I know I'm in training, but I've been thinking lately. I want to marry Elliot and have babies. I want to have an involved life you know. I saw how dad was always working and mom felt neglected and drank all the fucking time and spent her life being depressed. I don't want that. I want to stick around. I'd probably move to PR or become a producer. I have the shares to Kavanagh Media so money is not a problem but I miss the idea of crafting a narrative. CEO shit is getting real boring, real quick."

"Wow... um... shit Kavanagh, this is such a 180. I mean, I'm fucking ecstatic for you but I thought you really wanted to be CEO."

"Yeah, I thought so too but I love Elliot and I don't see it as giving up anything at all. I want my life to be different, and being a CEO doesn't hold the same thrill for me."

"So babies, huh?"

"Yeah. I want babies. I've grown ovaries since I've been with him."

We both laugh like hyenas. I know Kate will be amazing mom. This works out in Elliot's favor. She's already down to get married. The baby timeline might not be what he wants... oh well.

"How are things with Christian?" She asks with a loving smile.

"They're good. We've been talking a lot and I'm slowly opening up to him and telling him everything and he's been amazing. I know it's a lot for him and he's not used to all this emotion but he's been doing well. But Kate, I'm scared also."

"What happened?"

I tell her about the Vishaal ambush at the Gala and the fight him and I had along with my finally telling him my reasons for staying quiet.

"Ana, he's never going to get it. I mean I get your point of view, I fucking hate it but I understand it. He's a guy, he's only got so much in him till he fucking blows him out of the water. Fuck, I want to murder Vishaal myself. There's only so much you can take you know..."

"Don't you think I know that Kate. I'm fucking scared. I don't know what the fuck Vishaal is capable of. I mean... I am literally caught in the crossfire and I am trying to keep them both at bay. If I involve more of the family... I have to wait till the will is read by the end of the 3rd quarter. Right now everything is up in the air. So many A's are in play for AHAK right now, I can't fuck up the business side of things for the family. It's their livelihood."

"Ana, they've got the money to last them all lifetimes."

"Jobs are also at stake. It's just a fucking pandora's box, Kate. Besides, I have a theory, well two theories about what Vishaal is up to. This whole Vogue India thing feels calculated..."

I tell her my hunches and she nods in agreement. It could very well be what I'm thinking. It certainly does make sense given all that I know of him. I grew up with him and he was a close confidante while I was in recovery. I know his fears; I know how he thinks... I need to confirm this hunch with Karan and then Rania as delicately as possible and then tell Christian. She urges me to not wait too long and tell him sooner rather than later.

"Another thing happened... just between you and me though."

"OOOOH GOSSIP!" Kate claps her hands and I roll my eyes.

"He sort of asked me to marry him."

"SHUT THE FUCKING FRONT DOOR... what did you say?" Kate is about faint like our favorite meme.

"I told him I did want to marry him but that I needed time. I have a lot of unresolved issues and I want to go to therapy for a while both alone and as a couple before we jumped into a heavy life commitment."

She looks at me for a moment and smiles. "Only you Steele, only you would make Christian Grey wait and I'm fucking proud of you for wanting to work on yourself and get to better place. Any other girl would've jumped at the chance but you're not any other girl, you're fucking Anastasia Steele. "

"Thanks mama." I smile back.

"So what does the great Christian Grey have planned for your first Valentine's together?"

"No idea. It's all a surprise. I was told to be ready by 4pm here."

"Damn... I better get first dibs on the scoop."

"Girl, we meet at Grace's on Sunday, I'll give you every single detail."

"Even the number of orgasms. I need to make sure you're being taken care of." She smirks,

I roll my eyes. "Just because you felt the need to overshare your sex life doesn't mean I have to."

"This is the basic tenet of girl talk. Do not deny me." Kate cackles.

"By the way, you and Jose need to meet. I'll make a plan for drinks or maybe we can meet here. This room is actually going to be mine. Christian said I could take over one of the guest rooms and make it my own for my girl dates and shit."

"Yeah, I want to meet this Queen of yours and God Bless your man... I wouldn't mind girl nights in this joint. Elliot says he's always got good booze and Mrs. Jones, well... I half want to ditch Elliot's ass and marry her so I think we can make this arrangement work to our advantage." She laughs.

"I'm glad you approve of my moving to Escala." I giggle.

...

Our spa treatment was amazing. Kate thoroughly enjoys being pampered, she really knows how to lose herself in this shit. Me? I'm always a nervous nancy but having her by my side helped me. She's slowly trying to brainwash me to accept all the perks that come with being in Christian's life. I don't think I'll ever get used to it. Caroline texts me and lets me know she sent my dress to Escala. I told her I didn't need to get my makeup done for today. I'd rather get ready myself. I still want to maintain some sense of normalcy in my life.

Once I get back to Escala, I take a bath, careful to not ruin my blown out hair. I check my phone and see a slew of texts from Jose.

JR: BITCH! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU LEFT ME OUT IN THE COLD TODAY.

JR: DID YOU SEE, YOU MADE IT TO THE BEST DRESSED LIST ON THE SEATTLE TIMES WEBSITE. YOU'RE WELCOME, THAT WAS ALL ME. CAROLINE AND I HAVE BEEN TEXTING TO MAKE YOU A REGULAR FEATURE.

JR: VOGUE IS CALLING YOU THE NEXT IT GIRL.

JR: BITCH REPLY ALREADY.

JR: DID YOU SEE WHAT CARMELA ON TOP WROTE?

AS: Hi honey, how are you feeling today? Doing well, I see.

JR: Don't give me that bullshit. We need to cultivate this image ASAP. I have so many ideas.

AS: Are you my new PR person?

JR: Yes. Was there any doubt? I need to make sure I secure my future and bish you are my meal ticket.

AS: I'm SO GLAD we got that cleared up.

JR: Okay for real, how are you doing?

AS: Yesterday was really rough. With showing of the accident shit and just the general negativity and hate... it got to me. But I met with Kate this morning and she told me about the Seattle Times write up, plus the fact that now everything seems to be taking a positive turn.

JR: Yeah, the media just goes where the wind blows but you can get through this.

AS: Thanks boo. I do want us to have a girl's night. Maybe next week you can come to Escala? I'm moving in with Christian and apparently he has really good booze for you to get piss drunk on.

JR: Bitch, check your front door, I'm already standing out there with my suitcase.

I'm all bathed and relaxed. I'm almost done getting ready. I fix my hair and check my makeup. It's almost 3:30. I walk into the walk-in closed and quick strap on my heels. I take the dress that Caroline sent me out of the garment bag. It's red satin dress from Rasario and I'm a little nervous to wear it. I've never worn something like this but I wanted to wear it for Christian. There's a huge slit and if I'm not careful, I could flash my hidden real estate to all of Seattle but I guess I'll wear a long coat till I'm sure I'm in private.

A familiar song comes on and I haven't heard it in a really long time. I love Banks. Her throaty vocals crooning through the bedroom sounds system start to give me the confidence I need as I step into the dress and zip it up. I can't help but sing and hum along...

_Oh, I know your love before I kissed you  
And now you have only made me miss you  
Come get me  
Come love me, baby come love me_

_'Cause I'm lovesick  
And I ain't even ashamed  
And I'm hard up, for some time in your sheets  
Would you be down to spend all your time with me?  
'Cause I'm lovesick_

I take one last look in the mirror. Fuck... I've never looked like this. I suddenly feel unsure... am I trying too hard? I try to dismiss the thought and realize I need earrings, I turn to walk out of the walk in closet and almost crash into Christian as he's walking in. He stops dead in his tracks and looks me up and down. Fuck... his face, I can't tell if he approves of disapproves... he just stares at me.

**CPOV**

I get back to Escala and it's almost 3:30pm. I walk into the bedroom and hear some music... it's dark and sensual. I turn the corner to walk into the walk in closet as Ana's walking out and I'm frozen as I see the woman in front of me. I look at her, drinking every inch of her. Holy fuck, she looks amazing. This red number is... well, I don't care if she loves it because I can't wait to tear it off of her.

_Cause I'm lovesick  
And I ain't even ashamed  
And I'm hard up, for some time in your sheets  
Would you be down to spend all your time with me?  
'Cause I'm lovesick  
'Cause I'm lovesick  
And I ain't even ashamed  
And I'm hard up for some time in your sheets  
Would you be down to spend all your time with me?  
'Cause I'm lovesick_

Fuck it. I walk up to her and crash my lips on to her. It takes a few seconds for her to realize and adapt herself to what's happening.

"Wrap your legs around me." I growl and lift her against the wall and unzip myself. I rip her panties and push into her. She gasps throwing her head back and moaning which each thrust.

"oh fuckkk... Christian... yes... yessss... " She cries as I fuck her. It's hard and quick as I roar my release into her neck while she screams her own.

I gently let her down and she giggles and looks up at me smiling. "Good Afternoon, Mr. Grey."

"Good Afternoon, Miss Steele. You look exquisite." I smirk.

"Yes, I gathered that. Thank you for the demonstrative compliment." She giggles biting her lip.

"Miss Steele, I will be demonstrating my appreciation all weekend. I hope you're ready."

She laughs. "I'm all game, bring it on Grey." She gives me a small kiss. I hold her face and look into her eyes.

"You really do look so beautiful. I'm one lucky son of a bitch."

"It's all for you." She breathes, holding on to my wrists. I lean down and kiss her, consuming her. I break the kiss and bring my lips to the wrist wearing the charm bracelet I gave her. She gives me a shy smile.

Once I'm ready, I meet her in the great room. She looks to me and smiles, walking to me and throws her arms around my neck. "Do I get to demonstrate my compliment or do I have to wait?" she wiggles her eyebrows making me laugh.

"You'll have to wait, we're about 10 minutes behind schedule already." I kiss her nose.

She gets her coat and we head out. "Where are we going?"

"All in good time Miss Steele."

We take the elevator to the rooftop corridor and she looks at me confused. As soon as we get to the door that leads us on to the rooftop, I tell her to tighten her coat a little but more.

I open the door and she gasps walking out. It's not too chilly but there's always a strong wind current when you're this high up.

"isss thiss... Oh my god." Her jaw is on the floor and then she starts to laugh. "The choppa!" she squeals.

I roll my eyes. "Helicopter."

"Same difference." She laughs.

"Where are we going? Oh my god... this is SO EXCITING. I'm sorry... I'm nerding out a little. This is SO EXCITING." She says grabbing on to my arm. Her excitement makes me happy. I think the last time I saw her like this was when she saw the R8. We walk up and she touches it.

"She's pretty." She looks to me.

"He is handsome." I grumble making her laugh out loud.

"What's his name?"

"Charlie Tango."

"Oh... well nice to meet you Charlie Tango." She giggles.

I help her inside and walk to my side and get in. I strap her in.

"Strapping you in is giving me other ideas." I smirk and give her a kiss. She holds my face to hold on a little longer and smiles when she pulls away.

"I love you, Mr. Grey."

"I love you, Miss Steele." I smile back at her.

I get the go ahead from Sea-Tac and we take off. Ana tries to keep quiet and it's comical. She's freaking out with excitement. She goes from clapping her hands, to holding her face to giggling. All the while a big smile plastered on her face. I've never seen her like this and I realize that I want more of this. More of her full of life like this.

"Can I ask you a question or is this like a 'don't disturb the pilot' situation?" she whispers.

I laugh. "You can ask away Miss Steele."

"Do you fly often?"

"Not as often as I'd like."

"That's sad. It's so beautiful to be up here like this. It's so amazing you can do this." She smiles at me.

"We aim to please, Miss Steele."

"So... where we going? Please tell me." She whines.

"Well, you mentioned not being able to visit Mt. Rainier and I didn't want to wait till it was warmer so I thought I'd give you a small tour before our dinner. I thought we could see the sunset from up here."

"Oh em gee. Yes please... Oh Christian, that's so romantic. You sap!" she giggles.

"Only for you Miss Steele." I chuckle.

As we get closer to Mt. Rainier, Ana starts telling me random facts about how there are about 70 or so active volcanoes across the United States and how she'd love to see molten lava in real life.

"Miss Steele, your mind is a beautiful and weird place sometimes."

She shrugs. "I had way too many questions as a kid and Ray never had all the answers so national geographic was my best friend along with the Internet and the library."

I go around the craters perimeter and she takes a few pictures.

"It's so beautiful and serene here. Have you been here before?"

"No, another first Miss Steele." I smile at her and she smiles back.

We head back to Seattle as the sky goes dark.

"I always loved the approach into LaGuardia in New York but seeing Seattle like this, it's a close second."

"You like New York?"

"I love it. Anytime I had to go, I always asked to fly into LaGuardia if I had to fly commercial even though it was a mess of an airport, I only did it for the view as we came in. Just the excitement of seeing the city, it's so wonderfully vibrant and exciting and best of all, you can be completely anonymous and explore it in peace. When I was 16, I thought I'd end up living in New York eventually and maybe work for AHAK... but funny how life changes... I guess Seattle is home now." She muses as she looks out her window.

"We can go whenever you like, I have a place there."

"I'd really like that. Do you ever explore the city when you're there?"

"I've never really explored New York. I go there for work and then go to the apartment and back to work and then I leave when I have to. Sometimes we have client dinners but that's pretty much."

"Oh then whenever we go, we are exploring it properly. We are walking and taking the subway. You need to explore New York like a regular guy. None of this rich billionaire stuff, Mr. Grey." She warns with a giggle. "I'll take you to my favorite Peruvian restaurant and Belgian fries place... they have this mango chutney that is die for... oh and then... well there's a lot. I won't bore you." She laughs.

"No baby, I want to hear about it."

"It's better I tell you when we go there." She smiles.

We land back on the Escala helipad and head down to the garage.

"That was so beautiful. Thank you." She leans up and kisses the corner of my mouth.

"Anything for you, baby." I kiss her forehead.

We arrive at the Mile High Club and it's packed. We're led into the private dining room that has a floor to ceiling window with a full view of Seattle. We settle into our chairs, both side and by side and she nervously laughs.

"Something amusing you Miss Steele?" I ask.

"This feels weird. It's lovely but... I don't know, I've never had this. This would technically be my first date." She says trying to suppress a smile.

"Neither have I but I'm so happy it's with you and only you." I kiss her deeply.

"I hope you don't mind but I ordered ahead. You told me you liked seafood so I ordered mostly that."

"Yeah sure, I love seafood."

"You like oysters?" I ask as the waiter brings our appetizers.

"Love them. Whenever I visit SF and Nani and I have our ritual lunch at fisherman's wharf, we always start with oysters."

I squeeze a little of the lemon and pick up and oyster and feed her.

"I like feeding you." I tell her.

"I like it too."

"Would you like some wine?"

She looks at it wearily and takes a few moments, shaking her head. "Um... no thank you. Water is fine." She says in a small voice.

"Just know that whenever you want you can, you're in safe place."

"Yeah, I know... maybe one day." She gives me a smile but it doesn't reach her eyes.

She tells me about her afternoon with Kate and how it was much needed. She misses her but says they're going to try and make an active point to hangout at least once a week because every girl needs a girlfriend.

"I hope it's okay, if I can invite Jose over sometime next week."

"Ana, you don't have to ask. Escala is your place too."

"Yeah, but it's your life and all this is new to you too. I don't want it to be jarring."

"Well as long as nobody moves in, I think we'll be fine. I'm not keen of having a third roommate. I want you all to myself, unfettered access at all times." I smirk and lean in to give her a kiss.

"Oh about that... Jose is so ready with his suitcase. He's been freaking out, keeping track of all the press coverage." She giggles.

"I'm sure he is. He's probably been looking for his own picture."

"I think I'll plan an excursion and take him out and make sure his picture is definitely taken. Poor thing only wants the simple things in life." She giggles.

I laugh. "There is nothing simple about Jose Rodriguez"

"You know, he'd love that statement. Heck, if I texted him that right now that you said this; he'd 100% get it tattooed on his fucking forehead by midnight." She muses as she takes a bite of her salmon and I laugh.

Our conversation flows so easily. It's always a joy to watch her eat and be animated when she's in her story telling mode. Rolling her eyes and the undeniable sass she has. She's always funny.

"Bee tee dubs, between you and me, on a scale of 1 to hell fuck no, how ready is Elliot to have kids?"

"What the hell is Bee Tee dubs?"

"Oh sorry, I keep forgetting you're a pop culture novice. It means, by the way..." she laughs.

"Oh... okay. I don't know how ready he is. I never asked him. We just briefly joked about if we had daughters we'd never let them out of the house." I chuckle

"You know what they say right? The more uptight your dad the bigger the hoe he was back in the day. Well let me tell you, once a hoe, always a hoe... it's embedded in your DNA and will be passed along." She shrugs.

I let out a big laugh. I love her sass.

"What? It's true... you know how your kind thinks... and how gross you can be. But when it comes to your wives and daughters, y'all become holier than thou. I don't know what kinda shit Ray was up to in his youth but I'm pretty certain he didn't want me to date until I was like 30 and even then he would've chaperoned that shit." She giggles.

I have to laugh. "Ray would've killed me."

"No... he would've loved you. Threatened your life for sure but also loved you because I love you." She smiles and leans up to kiss me.

"Why are you asking about Elliot?"

"Well, as I said... also super honor code between us. You cannot say this to him. Not a single word."

"Of course Miss Steele, I'm a man of my word."

"Good. Kate is all ready to get married. I mean, this is the same Kate who didn't want to get married and have kids and she's miraculously now grown emotional ovaries and wants babies. Not a baby, BABIES. She got emotional talking about it. It made me emotional since well, I cry at everything but yeah... Elliot Grey has turned my best friend into a sap. Never thought I'd see the day a man would make Katherine Victoria Kavanagh catch the feels."

"Well, I guess she's definitely going to say yes then."

"Yeah. I'm so freaking excited. It's going to be so much fun."

"I love how involved you are and how you cheer on other people."

"Well yeah, I love weddings and babies. Babies more so because you get more of them and watch them grow. Can you imagine, their kids would be so freaking cute. Like little Swedish meatballs."

I laugh out loud. "Where did that come from?"

"Well they're both blond and their babies will be chubbies and cute... I don't know the only food that came to mind was Swedish meatballs since Kate is Swedish on her mom's side."

I grab her and kiss her hard. "I fucking love you."

It takes her a moment to recover and she falls into a fit of giggles.

We're done with our meal. "What's for dessert?" she laughs.

"Well, dessert will be at another location." I say giving her a small kiss.

"Listen tome, Mr. Grey, I am talking about actual dessert. Like, ice-cream and cake etc. None of that distraction you have planned." She giggles.

"Miss Steele, how about we combine the two?" I whisper in her ear as my fingers trace her inner thighs. "You know, I really like how easy this dress makes it for me to get what I want."

She tries to control her breathing and turns to me, speaking against my lips. "I could've chosen a dress that made it hard for you but I settled on something easy, though I'm pretty sure as easy as this dress is... there's a part of all this that is very hard, Mr. Grey." She smiles and I feel her hand slowly creep up my thigh.

I grab her hand. "We need to leave before I end up fucking you on the table."

She shrugs her shoulders and gives me a small kiss as we make to get up and leave the club.

...

"We're not going back to Escala?" She asks as we get closer to the Fairmont.

"No, we're staying here all weekend. No interruptions. Just you and me Miss Steele, I've missed you." I kiss her hand and she give me a shy smile.

We walk into the Cascade Suite and I make myself a drink. The dessert cart was brought in a few minutes before we arrived. I ordered strawberries and cream with melted chocolate and some cheesecake. Her favorites. I've been craving the opportunity of licking these off of her skin.

I see her taking her shoes off and notice that her hair seems shorter.

We sit on the couch and get comfortable. "Did you cut your hair?"

"A little bit. I was due for a trim, the last one I got was in September then I just got busy with everything." She says distractedly.

"I don't want you to cut your hair again."

She whips her face to me. Oh shit... I messed up, didn't I? "I'm sorry... hold up and back up...would you like the chance to rephrase that statement?" she says with a raised eyebrow.

Fuck. "I would prefer you to never cut your hair again. I like it long."

"Hmm, that's better. However, since we live in the 21st century Mr. Grey, allow me to introduce you to the idea of my body, my decision. Since this hair grows out of my head, I decide what to do with it... but I will keep your preference in mind. You're welcome." She smiles sweetly after essentially ripping me a new one.

"I appreciate that consideration."

"Damn straight you should." She laughs and kisses me. "I was however thinking of getting bangs but I felt that might be too drastic. Maybe a slight a color, I've never done anything like this... I don't know. We'll see." She shrugs and leans in close to me, resting her face in the crook of my neck.

...

"Ana... if you don't want me to come in your mouth... you need to stop right now."

She looks up to me with those fiery blue eyes. "Would you like me to stop or would you like to come in my mouth?" she asks as she lightly swirls the tip and sucks on it. Fuck... I have no control.

"I want to come inside your mouth." I say trying to control obviously ragged breathing.

"Hmmm I thought so." She winks at me and devours me. Holy shit she is good. I feel her moan as she tightly sucks me and it's the most unbelievable sensation. I'm losing myself and I come so hard that I see can barely see straight as she drinks up every last drop. She gets up and kisses me "Thank you for dessert, Mr. Grey."

We find ourselves in the bath after a very delicious three rounds of sex and dessert.

"You know, I'm pretty sure some of the stuff we did is illegal or that it should be illegal." She giggles and the sound goes straight to my dick and on cue it's ready to go.

"Miss Steele, I'd happily lick cream and melted chocolate off of you all day." I bite her neck. "You know, now that everyone knows, I can leave my mark on you. No more hiding."

"I swear to god if you give me a hickey anywhere above my breasts I will kill you, Grey."

"No you won't, you'll love it. I'm going to mark you and everyone is going to know you're mine."

"How about I mark you back."

"Have at it Miss Steele, I'll proudly wear that badge of honor."

"PERV." She bites back trying to suppress a laugh.

"Freak."

...

"I got you something, I was going to give it you when we first came in but I got distracted." I get up from the bed and go to get her present from my bag.

"You know, I have lots of questions about your photoshopped body." She calls out from the bed, laughing.

"Ask away Miss Steele." I smirk as I walk back to bed. She's lying on her stomach, completely naked and beautiful.

She sits up covering herself with the bedsheet.

"Ana, there's no one else here."

"Well I'm not used to walking around naked with my unphotoshopped body, so excuse me while I exercise just a little bit of modesty for my sanity." She laughs.

I pull her close and hand her the box. She looks at me before opening it. "Christian... you didn't have to get me anything. This whole day has been so wonderful... I don't need gifts."

"Baby, just open it. I want to do these things. I know you're perfectly happy lounging around in your panda pajamas, eating pizza watching tv but right now... I want you to have this. I worked really hard to have what I have and I want to share it all with you and enjoy my life with you." I hold her face and kiss her. She silently nods and opens the box.

She just stares at the contents and tries to speak, opening her mouth several times but failing. Finally she looks back with tears in her eyes.

"I had been thinking about what I wanted to get you. I wanted it to be meaningful, I saw this necklace and it reminded me of how beautiful your eyes looked, like glimmering sapphires when we made love for the first time. You trusted me and let me into your life and changed mine so profoundly in the process. Anything that I ever do will never measure up. I love you so much, Ana."

She climbs on top of me and holds on to me, silently crying into my neck. After a while she pulls away "You're so sweet to me, I don't... I... I just have a hard time sometimes... it's so beautiful... I love sapphires and it's also my birthstone... this is the most beautiful piece of jewelry I've ever seen... I... "

I take the necklace out of the box and help her wear it. "And you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." I pull her in for a kiss and she takes me in.

We get lost looking into each other's eyes. "I love you Christian, so much."

"I love you, baby."

...

"Q&A? We haven't done it in a while." I ask her.

"Sure... but before that. One second." She grabs her robe and throws it on and runs into sitting area and comes back after a minute. "I didn't think we were going to do Valentine's Day since I'm pretty anti- valentine's day and you also didn't mention anything till last week... besides you're really difficult to shop for Mr. Billionaire." She giggles and then her face tenses a little. "I wrote you a letter originally to go with your Christmas gift. I wrote it on the day you were coming back from Tokyo but then when everything happened and I... I... didn't know what the future was going to look like so I wrote you that small note instead... but this was the original letter I wanted to give you. All I ask is that you not read it now. Read it when you're alone and I'm not around" She starts to tear up.

"Why can't I read it now?"

She shrugs. "Cause... I don't know. Nerves. Just read it when I'm not around... don't argue with me. My gift, my rules." She sasses and laughs.

I take it from her and see my name written in beautiful calligraphy. "Okay, I'll read it later." I put it on my side table. I'm determined to read it and I will as soon as she goes to sleep.

"Good." She lies down and places her head on my shoulder. "Can I ask the first question?"

"Ladies first, always."

She laughs. "Okay, so... I'm asking this purely as a... like to have an objective conversation... I mean as objective as it can be."

I snort. "Oh boy..."

"Shut up!" She giggles. "So... does my inexperience... I mean... do you think... basically... I don't want you to ever get bored you know. I mean... you're very, you know sexually generous and I know I don't reciprocate as often and you have all this sexpertise and I'm... well I'm a completely novice you know and I don't want you to get tired or bored..."

"Sexpertise?" I ask trying to hide my amusement.

"THE FACT that you picked up on that only and completely disregarded everything else that I said. I mean the NERVE, honestly... Grey. " She rolls her eyes and laughs.

"Alright, I'm just going to lay it out there for you... when I first kissed you, I could tell you were inexperienced but that held a certain thrill for me. I didn't know how this was going to go, I thought we'd fuck and then I'd contract you... that was my very initial thought process but as always Miss Steele, you surprised me and turned my world completely upside down. To answer your question, I am not bored. I don't think I could ever get bored. You're so in tune with your body and what you want, you may not be well versed in BDSM techniques but I don't care. Our sex life is... I never knew sex could be this fulfilling. I mean... again, full disclosure and I don't meant to tell you this to make you feel I'm comparing you as a person but in terms of what my life was like before and now... when I have sex with you, it's an all consuming experience. I lose control in the best way. Before, everything was controlled and calculated and it took a lot for me to even be remotely satisfied, because there was no emotion. I wasn't taught that, I wasn't allowed to experience that. With you, as much as I want to stay buried inside you all the fucking time even just being in close proximity to you is a calming experience. Everything with you means more. If you only wanted vanilla sex, I'd be more than happy with that but you've made it fun, you surprise me at every turn."

She looks at me like eyes are about to fall out... she swallows and takes a few moments. "So what you're saying is that I'm pretty fucking amazing and I'm doing everything right?" she laughs.

I laugh as well. "Yes Miss Steele, you can do no wrong."

"Cool. Thanks. God, I never thought I'd ever have sex you know." She muses.

"Why not?"

"Well... after everything, I just felt like it was a weapon and then actually, you'll like this story. Kate really helped me get comfortable with the idea of sex since she was... quite active in that department and she's an oversharer as I've told you before... so hearing her sexcapades helped desensitize everything in a way... AND THEN... on my 22nd birthday... this bitch gets me a vibrator."

I laugh out loud. "Tell me you used it."

"Hell fuck no. I never took it out of the packaging. Kate literally said, 'Steele, if you're not going to have sex with a man then at least have it with yourself. Self love is true love." She says in her best Kate impression and we both lose it.

"You mean to tell me you never masturbated."

"Nope. What the hell was I going to fantasize about? I didn't like anyone, I didn't know what kind of guy I liked. I was a complete nun in that department so what's the point. And I threw shit out when were moving to Seattle, I found it my things, still packed and I threw it in the trash,"

"Come on what about that fucker Charlie what's his name?"

She bursts our laughing and falls into a fit. "Charlie Hunnam? He's an actor. I don't like him like that; I just said that to piss you off... I just like him because he seems like sweet guy and he put his life on the line to save a kitten once. But he's a blond and I'm not into blonds." She shrugs.

"Miss Steele, we need to rectify this situation."

"NO WE DON'T. Besides, I read on some of those BDSM websites that it's better not to masturbate because then we you eventually do have sex... it's more intense. And I'm patient. I'm the most patient person you'll meet." She wiggles her eyebrows.

"Yes, Miss Steele, I'm well versed in your patience." I smirk. "So tell about this research."

"Whaddaya wanna know?"

"Tell me what you read."

"Well, I have to say, most of the stuff I read on websites, it was just basic terminology and tips and I was really looking for like... I wanted to hear from people. Mostly women and I read some articles but still... I wasn't... something was missing. I found this guys blog and he talked about the nuances of dom/sub relationships which I will get to in a minute... I actually... met with a Domme because I really wanted to hear a woman's perspective."

'What the fuck? Who did you meet? And How?" Who the fuck did she meet? Fuck.

"Well, NDA. Can't really say who she is..."

"Please tell me you made her sign an NDA as well."

"No, I told her EVERYTHING, you name, your social, how you like your eggs. I was very forthcoming." She snaps with annoyance. "OF COURSE I made her sign an NDA, honestly, I grew up with a family that values their privacy AND I work in legal... give me some credit. And I did not tell her your name, I just said my boyfriend... blah blah..."

She's so right, that was a stupid question. "You're right... just making sure."

She rolls her eyes. "Anyway... she really helped me understand stuff. It made all of it less scary. She said don't knock it until you try it and that I should trust you and if you did hurt me that I should kick you in the balls and send you to the ER." She giggles and I kiss her. "She said that it didn't have to be extreme, she gives instruction to high profile people and she said most of her clients are at a level 2-3 and do it for just the roleplay and excitement. She said that like any lifestyle, there were extremes and that... it was all up to me. I had the control and could set the pace so all I had to do was to start slow work my way up and that I had to always effectively communicate."

"Sounds about right." I want to know who this Domme is. "When did you meet her?"

"When we were on break."

"Where did you meet her?"

"Not telling you that. NDA."

"Oh come on..."

"Christian, I'm certain you don't know her. She started out on the east coast and she travels for work, giving instruction. I'm sure if you really wanted to find out... you could but drop it." She warns.

"So tell me Miss Steele, was there anything you read that intrigued you? Anything you want to try?" I say raising an eyebrow.

She looks at me and scrunches up her nose. She's embarrassed. I start to kiss her neck. "It's okay, you can tell me."

"Well... I know I said, that I don't want to go into that room but there is one thing that I found intriguing."

"What's that?"

"The grid on the ceiling. What's that?"

"That? Well, remember those leather cuffs I used on you... They can be hooked onto the grid, effectively immobilizing your arms... "

She giggles. "Oh... that is very intriguing."

"Once we get back to Escala on Sunday, that room will cease to exist. I've gotten rid of it."

"Oh... Christian, you didn't have to, I really meant that... it's your... I mean... "

"Ana, I don't need it. What's the point of having it there? If you ever wanted to explore more with the BDSM lifestyle, we could build a new playroom just for us and have only the things that you like. Our playroom, should it come to be will only be about pleasure... "

"We could make our own playroom?"

"Of course we can, it would be completely different and reflective of who we are."

She thinks for a moment. "Maybe, in the future I guess. I mean I don't know. This is all so new to me..."

"Take your time baby." I kiss her forehead.

"Why didn't you call it a Dungeon?" She asks and it makes me tense momentarily.

"I hated that word." I say simply and she nods not pressing any further.

"I read about why romance was hard in dom/sub relationships."

"And?"

"Well the guy who wrote it said that the dom/sub behavior was a complex behavior that had to be learned and that bringing romance and love into the mix was chaotic because... well love comes to us naturally. You can be raised without love but still we all have the capacity to fall in love or experience and practice a version of it. But being a Dominant or Submissive those are very absolute behaviors I think, like they're incredibly complex and it takes years of practice to be good at it and love is about... well, it has it's own complexities but... I mean I understood why it was hard because... well he wrote that being a good Dom requires you to have humility and empathy, traits that are difficult for men to practice and a good submissive needs to learn master the skill of controlling her emotions which is hard for women, again not to generalize but I saw the truth in it. Love comes with expectations and can blur the lines to the point of irrationality. It made me realize I would be a really shitty submissive if our trajectory were different, like... I would've beat you back." She laughs.

I look at her for a few moments, letting her words sink about the complexities of the Dom/sub relationship and I'm suddenly so grateful I'm done with that shit. I'd rather be in love with her than ever have her as a submissive. "Well, I think you could be an excellent submissive if you wanted. Especially if you saw it as a challenge, I know you have that fire in you to rise up and win every challenge."

"Nahhh, I feel too much and a good submissive doesn't let their emotion get the best of them. I may not always show it but... I wasn't like this before... I mean, I only cried in front of Ray maybe a handful of times, my brain was always buzzing otherwise, I had too many questions about everything. So I kept myself busy and you know... I didn't really feel the kind of emotions I feel now. I went from one extreme to another... I never had the kind of anger I have now. Like the darkness came in and never left, it just stayed within me and seeped into my bones." She says looking up to the ceiling. "I had my sadness before but I had my dreams to distract me and I had something to work towards but then my biggest challenge was just getting to walk again and then talk again the things that we take for granted... As for the challenge shit, that's all fun and games... it's not real... it's just a small distraction from all the other overwhelming shit that's constantly on my mind..." she trails off and I see her get lost in thought.

"You've come so far and you've brought me along with you." I say and kiss her and she gives me a small smile.

"You know I thought I'd be nervous when we had sex the first time but I wasn't... I mean I was a little but it was so weird... I knew what I wanted and I wasn't afraid to be naked in front of you. When you kissed me, it just all made sense... whatever I wanted, I just did it. It didn't feel alien at all." She muses.

I kiss her deeply. "Same here baby, it was the most natural thing... speak of which I would love to have some more dessert. Get up and sit on my chest."

"What the fu... no."

"Yes, get up Anastasia."

**APOV**

Fuck, that Dom voice speaks straight to my core and suddenly I'm listening to him. I climb up and I suddenly realize what he's about to do.

"Listen... this... no. What if I kill you?" Fuck, what if I suffocate him.

"You know won't kill me, you're light as a feather and besides, death by eating pussy? Sign me up."

"Oh god, you are such a pervert."

"And the freak in you loves it. Admit it baby." He smirks. Asshole.

He scoots down a little and I feel his tongue work on me. I hold the headboard and raise myself but he keeps pulling me down and fuckkkkk I don't want to kill him.

He moans as his tongue enters my core and I can't help but through my head back trying to control the sounds that come out of my mouth. The last thing I need is security breaking down the door and finding us like this.

"Christian... "I call his name out over and over like a prayer. God this feels so fucking good. I might just... oh fuck... I can't even complete a single thought.

"Please..." I ask for, what the fuck am I asking for?

I hold on to the headboard with one hand use the other one to grab on to his hair. He looks at me and I'm pinned by that intense stare. I can't look away. I'm completely lost in him as I get closer and closer...

I throw my head back and just as I'm about to let go, he spanks me hard and I come, loudly screaming his name and vaguely aware that I'm quite literally gushing. Fuck... this is so embarrassing but I feel so good right now. It takes me a second to realize that he's no longer under me and my face is down on the bed with my ass in the air. He slams into me and fucks me with a punishing rhythm. I grab on to the bed sheets and try my best not to moan but I can't help it. It feels so good... he's hitting the spot and I start to feel myself quiver again... tightening myself onto his cock... I let go, screaming as loud as I can into the bed. He pumps into me and I feel like I'll break but I hear him...

"FUCKKKKKK" he roars and stills, filling me... I feel our liquid heat trickle down my thighs. He falls on to his stomach beside me panting...

A few minutes later, we regain our strength... to form words.

"Mr. Grey... you were right this date... there was fucking and it was amazing." I giggle.

He laughs out loud and pulls me in close.

"I've never experienced that... I thought... I'm sorry for almost drowning you."

"Oh baby... it's a joy to see you experience all of this with me... and only me. You can drown me anytime.

"Perv... but you're my perv."

"And you're my freak."

* * *

_Saturday, February 15__th__, 2020_

**CPOV**

I wake up and check the time and it's almost 8. I look and see Ana is still asleep, wearing the necklace from last night. She looks ethereal like this. Fuck, if only I could have her like this all the time. I almost touch her and then remember the letter. This is the only time I can probably read it this weekend before she wakes up.

I open the envelope and take out the letter to read it.

_Dear Christian,_

_You're on your way back from Tokyo right now and I've missed you so much. I never knew I could fall so deeply in love and this quickly but Nani told me that I should always measure my relationship with you in love and trust. You've made me feel so safe, something I've longed for but never thought I'd get after everything. You make me want to dream again, and dream I have since we met. You make me want to plan again and not live this life just day to day. I don't know where life will take us but all I want is for us to be together every step of the way, holding each other's hands through it all because I know we are meant for each other. Don't ask me how, I just do. You give me a strength that I never knew I had and you've changed my life completely. I wish that we could've met earlier but I suppose fate had a better plan for us both. I haven't celebrated Christmas in 6 years. I was never really bothered, it was just too painful but this year, I can't wait to spend the holidays with you and create new traditions and memories. I can't wait to experience all that life has to offer us both, with you, and only you. _

_I am only better with you. You make me believe in myself. Nani may have taught me the meaning of life and Kate helped me understand it but you, only you could help me truly experience it. I can't put in to words how much you mean to me. I may never be able to. I only endeavor to be worthy of you and your love for this lifetime and beyond. I love you with all that I am and I always will._

_Love,_

_Ana. _

I feel my eyes burn and blur. This is how she felt that day but I fucked up and we lost out on time. There was a time where I broke her trust in me... but she still found her way back to me. She's been finding her way back to me all this time against all odds. I don't deserve her love but I will do whatever I can do be worthy of even an ounce of it.

I put the letter back in the envelope and turn to lie back down with Ana. I kiss her face all over and she stirs.

"Breakfast better involve some real food, Grey." She mumbles making me laugh.

"What do you want to eat baby?"

Her eyes are still closed but she pulls me in close and clings to me and bites my jaw lightly. "You're really yummy but I think I want greek omelette and some toast and butter. The butter is important."

"Yes ma'am." I chuckle.

I place the order and we both get up to take a shower. By the time we're done, breakfast has arrived and we both sit on the sofa in our robes and eat. She giggles every now and then like a child.

"What's so amusing Miss Steele?"

"This... it's so much fun. I've never had a staycation before."

I laugh. "What's a staycation?"

"I have much to teach you, child." She says in her best yoda impression making me laugh. "Staycation is doing vacation like things in your city. Like staying in a hotel for the weekend and doing vacation like things... you know, going to see a show and all that stuff."

"Well we can do that every weekend if you'd like."

"Nooo not every weekend. But once a month would be nice. Or maybe we can drive out somewhere on Friday nights and go for hike or something. I really want us to go to Portland one day. I'll show you allll the places I'd go to and you've never had voodoo doughnuts right?"

"No I have not."

"Oh Mr. Grey, your photoshopped body is going to HATE me because there is so much you need to eat and experience on the Steele tour of life."

I smirk . "It's okay, I'll just work out a little more."

"By the way, what do you do to work out, cause..." she points at me up and down. "all that is... seems like too much drama for your mama." She laughs and I chuckle.

"Miss Steele, I don't think I've ever experience this side of you. I knew you had sass but this is a whole other level I'm experiencing."

She shrugs. "I guess this is like 50% of my girl talk persona. I don't think you can handle me at 100%. That alter ego is crazzzzzyyyyy."

"I think I can handle her."

"No you can't. Even Kate can't handle her. My 100% girl talk persona is not for the faint of heart. She has a completely different vocabulary. Every girl has one. Even Mia does though I surpass her. I'm no match for Jose though."

I laugh again. "Well, I know what buttons to push to get you in line so it's safe to say I can handle her."

"It's your funeral." She shrugs, laughing. "Okay so tell me, what do you do to work out?"

"Running, kickboxing and I lift some weights here and there."

She shakes her head. "Yeah... too much cardio and too much work. I'm happy with my Pilates, though I can't go fucking go anymore. Maybe I'll sign up for the private sessions and go then. My instructor is cool, I just have to call her and see what her schedule is." She muses.

"Why not invite her to Escala instead?"

"Can't. It's Reformer Pilates, so I need to go to a studio."

"You mentioned you also do yoga."

She nods.

"Just how flexible are you?" I suddenly have so many ideas that I want to try out.

"I'm decent I think. I'd show you but I'm scarfing down this food so remind me tomorrow before breakfast and I can show you."

We eat in silence for a few minutes as she checks her phone.

"OH BY THE WAY" she starts animatedly. "While talking to Kate I realized something. Now, before I tell you, please don't freak out..."

"You know, if you don't want me to freak out, you shouldn't start a conversation that way."

"Chill, it's funny."

"Okay, proceed."

"So... I almost interviewed you for the WSU newspaper. I had forgotten about this till Kate reminded me yesterday."

"WHAT THE FUCK ANASTASIA?" I almost lose my shit. "HOW and why didn't you show up?"

She laughs and falls into me. "Okay so, Kate was in the masters program and she was overseeing the school newspaper like a mentor since she had been EIC from sophomore to senior year in her undergrad and then continued to stay on in a advisor capacity. ANYWAY... so since she had the hookup, given her name, the idea was to get the interview under her name but have this kid James who was EIC to conduct the interview. A few days before he got sick, Kate didn't want to interview because this opportunity was meant for an undergrad student, she was just helping out... so she asked me. Only issue was, I had two interviews that day. One with SIP and one with PRK Publishing. They were back to back but my last interview time was at 1pm. I didn't know how long it would take plus the interview with you was at 2pm, even though it was a 10 minute drive... I didn't want to take the risk because what if my interview ran longer, you know?

I even tried to push it up to maybe 12:30 since the PKR interview was at 10am but SIP had scheduling issues so Kate and I drove in. She went interview you and I waited for her in the plaza when I was done. And when she met me outside she told me how it went, which we both know how it went. And a few minutes later, we saw you walking out of the building with Ros and walking to the SUV."

My jaw drops because holy fuck again. I missed her AGAIN. "You know... this is fucking ridiculous. You mean to tell me, I could've met you then?"

"Okay, let's be real. I was a scrubby ass English lit graduate and I knew about you cause I once asked Rania to look into Seattle for AHAK and she Seattle is Grey's playground plus it fucking rains there all the time so I didn't care too much. Kate really wanted me to do the interview because she know I could've asked the right questions but... we would've probably killed each other. Let's be real... I mean... with my amazing and spitfire personality... you think I would've let you off the hook? You would've just thrown me out for standing up to you."

"Yeah, I almost threw Kate out." I smirk.

"See."

"Yeah but looking into those beautiful blue eyes, I'm pretty sure you could've extracted my ATM pin number."

"You know what an ATM pin number is?" she cocks her head to one side.

"Shut up."

She throws her head back and laughs.

"Rania is right though. Seattle is mine, tell your family to stay the fuck out." I laugh.

"Well, in that case, Rania has message for you too wonder boy." She raises an eyebrow. "When I had my little girl talk with her she was like... I know he's moving into hospitality as of late, just tell him not to fuck with any of my deals or I'll chop his balls off. So Mr. Grey, don't piss off Rania Raees cause... dat bitch is cray when it comes to business." She shrugs.

I laugh. "Deal. As long as AHAK under that fucker's direction stays away from me... I'll happily stay away from him."

"Well, AHAK is locked in till the 3rd quarter so no new deals will be made or sought after. Which brings me to what I want to talk about actually... unless you would rather us not talk about my family at all this weekend which I would totally understand."

I pull her close. "Baby, we can talk about anything, what's on your mind?"

"I've been thinking about this whole press situation and how it got it leaked. It feels very calculated and I have two theories about it but I need to talk to both Rania and Karan. You mind I call them?"

"Yeah sure, go ahead." I give her a small kiss.

She picks up her phone and proceeds to call Rania.

"Hi baby." Rania says cheerily.

"Hi Apa, you're happy this AM" Ana says equally animated.

"Cause I had sex." She laughs.

"I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT." Ana groans loudly and I try to stifle a laugh. She picks up a cushion and puts it too my face, rolling her eyes.

"baby girl, listen to me. I have some advice to share. Do not, and I mean do not under any circumstances get immediately pregnant after getting married cause as much I love my rugrat... I really miss spontaneous and unscheduled sex... I mean... " she takes a deep breath.

"Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to keep it in mind."

"What did you and Mr. Hunnid do for Valentine's Day?" she asks laughing and Ana looks at me smiling, rolling her eyes.

"We're having a staycation."

"Girl, that's another thing I miss. Hold on... RAEES... can we have a staycation soon?" She yells over to her husband and hear some incoherent version of a yes I believe and it makes me chuckle.

"Listen, Raniapa, I am so glad we're able to dissect your sex life this morning but can we please get back to why I called."

"You're welcome. Just making sure you get your education..." she laughs. "Okay why you call me little one?"

"I have a question and you don't have to give me specifics but I just want you to trust me."

"What happened Aana?" her tone is now serious.

"Nothing bad. I was just wondering about something. How many A's are in play for AHAK till the 3rd quartner. Again I don't want names, just the number."

"Uhhh... about 12. 6 are really small time but will be a decent addition to our portfolio and then 4 are I'd say mid size and then 2 are big."

She looks to me. "Okay and out of all of them... how many are struggling since Nana's death?"

"Well, the 2 bigs ones have been wavering. And we have a combination of small and midsize ones."

"All are in the US or?"

"Mix of US and Europe with one major one Australia."

"Okay."

"What happened Aana?"

"Can you keep this between us?"

"Yeah of course." She says with sincererity.

"I think leaking my relationship with Christian was deliberate."

"You think Kiran did this on purpose?"

"I think so."

"Well she maintains that it was an innocent mistake... we all know that Kiran has always loved being a socialite and being on society pages."

"Apa, I'm just going to be distancing myself from her. I think it's all very convenient that my relationship is now plastered all over the media and you know... I never got to control any part of my story and now everyone knows that I'm related to AHAK and KGI and honestly... AHAK and KGI benefits way more than Christian does from all this. I mean Nana always wanted AHAK to be behind the scenes but this brings it into the limelight and I think Vishaal and Kiran will use it to save those deals because being associated to the Grey name even in this small way... is beneficial."

She looks to me with tears in her eyes and mouths 'I'm sorry." I lean in and kiss her. None of this is her fault.

"Hmm... well, I think I see your point because the Australian deal was suddenly willing to meet with Vishaal as of yesterday in which case, this is really fucked up."

"Yeah. Listen, I don't want this to cause a rift in your relationship with them, I just... for a while not things have not really been great you know... and anyway, this is a conversation that we need to have in peson when I visit next. I have some things I want to run by you."

"Of course baby, let me know whenever you're coming to visit and I'll take a day off and we'll lay in bed and you can tell me everything."

"Yeah, I'd really like that Apa."

"Anything for you baby girl... oh and by the way... Aria yelled out motherfucker in the park the other day when she dropped her ice-cream."

"Oh godddd you guys really need to learn how to control your language in front of her."

"Uh, talk to your brother in law... hold on... RAESSS, get your ass here is Aana."

Ana groans and laughs.

"Hey Aana, you hear what my daughter said?"

"Yeah, I did. This isn't something to be proud of. You guys need to chill on the cursing. What if she says these words in front of Nani?"

"Nani will fine. She's heard it all. When are you coming to see us?"

"Probaby end of Feb, will you be around?"

"I should be unless there's an emergency at the hospital, I'll be around."

"Okay good. I have to go now, I'm bored with you old farts."

"Damn, girl starts dating a billionaire and all of sudden we're boring. I see how it is." Raees sneers.

"Shut up, I love you guys. BYEEE. Love you. A big kiss to my gremlin"

"Bye baby, we'll talk soon. Love you."

She takes a deep breath and looks at me.

"What's your second theory?" I ask her.

"Well, now that we're associated... if you go after him in any capacity... it will look bad. It will look like you're attacking your girlfriend's family."

"Its just business Ana."

"Is it though? Everything we do is inherently personal, for personal gain in some way. Even if your intention isn't personal it can personally benefit or harm you. Aren't you motivations for going after Vishaal personal? He's doing the exact same thing. I am still trying to figure all this out... I need to call Karan now."

She calls Karan and tells him her theories about everything. He gets immediately pissed off.

"That fucking piece of shit." Karan growls.

"No doubt about that. I mean, we all know how easy it is to manipulate Kiran with liquor and she takes his word as gospel so he definitely set the scene for this EIC meet up to happen and then a couple of glasses of wine and suddenly Kiran is the most agreeable person in the world."

"I'm so sorry Bachay, this is too much of a price to pay for some stupid deals."

"Listen, this is all him. He orchestrated this. He says he wants to diversify in Seattle but... I don't see how he can do that given how AHAK is locked in and all KGI assets in the US and Europe are under AHAK's purview."

"It could very well be to get on Christian's nerves or that he's probably going the private route. Trying to build his own personal portfolio outside of AHAK and KGI. Before the security update, when I had access to his calendar and his PA, he had started hanging out with Rothstein again... I suspect he never stopped being friends with him but of course he became a little more obvious about it after Nana passed."

"WHAT THE FUCK? ROTHSTEIN? ARE YOU SERIOUS? If there's anyone else in the world who hates me as much as Vishaal... it's Rothstein."

How the fuck does she know Rothstein?

* * *

**Authors Note: **okay, so I lied a little. there was like a tiny bit of drama. hehehe.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out board for chapter 41:)

**Music:**

Lovesick - Banks


	42. Chapter 42

Lots of love for the last chapter! I'm glad you guys liked it. I realize the Rothstein character may seem like it came out of nowhere but he was first mentioned chapter 37 and then again in chapter 39 just before Ana gets ambushed by the paparazzi.

As for the Rosenthal characters. Senator Rosenthal and her son Jacob Rosenthal were super minor mentions for the gala.

I realize I give a lot of details about their days so I think I should limit the chapters to show one day at a time so that the chapter details are easier to digest and remember. I'll also try to mention previous chapters in the beginning to show how the info connects to them. For example, the James character in this chapter with his babies was first mentioned in chapter 23 during the HR meeting where Ana ripped Christian a new one and then again in Chapter 32.

* * *

Chapter 42 – _Let's stare at each other and fall in love._

_Saturday, February 15__th__, 2020._

"_WHAT THE FUCK? ROTHSTEIN? ARE YOU SERIOUS? If there's anyone else in the world who hates me as much as Vishaal... it's Rothstein."_

_How the fuck does she know Rothstein?_

"Again, it could just be them hanging out I don't want you to overthink this or get scared. I will try to find out more information but till then, you're safe okay. If Rothstein hasn't said or done anything to you in these last few years then I don't forsee him starting up now. It does not make any sense. He knows better than to fuck with the family again."

She shivers slightly. "Yeah... I guess you're right. I mean... yeah, I'm just a little shocked I think. He knew how much Nana disliked Jack after the stunt he pulled... you'd think he'd show a little fucking loyalty but... again..." she tries to find her words and shakes her head. "You're right, I'm not going to obsess over this, I have to deal with bigger shit right now."

I hear Karan take a deep breath. "How are you feeling with all this?"

"I fucking hate it. I didn't for this but it is what it is now. I don't think I would've been that affected if it was just about me but bringing up the accident that is a new low. I mean... that was the moment my whole life blew up and to have it play across millions of tv screens... it's just fucked up." She tries to stifle a sob. "I've been trying to really find a way to not be held down by these truths you know... and not let it define me but now everyone knows... and...anyway... it's done now. I have to figure out a way to move forward. I know KGI has always been public that way but bringing AHAK into the limelight like this... that's fucked up. I didn't get a chance to control my own story or protect dad's name or Nana's legacy."

"I know, Bachay and I'm so sorry. You really shouldn't have to go through any of this. I wish... I really wish I could do more. I'm so sorry." Karan's voice wavers and he sounds so genuine.

"No it's fine. We all have our limitations. I get it. But one day we won't. We just have to be patient."

They talk a little more and then Ana ends the call.

I stroke her cheek as she looks straight ahead, blinking. She's completely still and her face is tense. She's thinking and she lays her head back on the sofa and looks up.

"Ana..."

"You want to know about Rothstein... I know." She says simply.

"Who is he? Did he hurt you?" Please don't say he did.

"No... but I am the reason he got into hot water with the Southern District in New York."

"What do you mean? How are you involved in something like that?"

She takes a deep breath and looks at me.

"It wasn't deliberate. It just... it was by chance. I didn't know who he was when I first met him. I just... I made a mistake, I wanted to help the family and I didn't realize entirely what the consequences would be." She looks at me with tears in her eyes.

"Ana, what happened?" I feel my body go numb.

"When I was 16, I interned at AHAK's New York office for few weeks in the summer. On summer Fridays, I'd get done at like 2-3pm and I was allowed to you know, explore the city on my own and it was great. I loved it. I'd go to museums or take the train out to different neighborhoods and stuff. So this one afternoon on a Friday, I went to the Met and I always started in the impressionist gallery. It's my favorite and I saw this girl or young woman I guess... she was standing in front of Degas The Dance Class painting which one of my favorite and I saw her sketching and it was beautiful, so I complimented her and we started talking. Her name was Adele and she was an art student, really sweet and I told her I was interning at a firm... you know just bare minimum details. We ended up going to a coffee shop and then she asked me if I wanted to check out this gallery opening with her in Chelsea and I had time so I agreed and we stopped by her apartment to drop off her stuff and quickly change. I waited for her in the living room and I saw this guy walk out with an older gentleman and they shook hands and said something to the effect of... 'as long as their shit never gets off the ground... I'm happy. There's no way I'm letting them make any money before I make mine.' They didn't notice me until the younger guy walked back to go into his office and he was rude. He was like who are you blah blah and I told him I was a friend of Adele's and I'm waiting her to quickly change before we head out.

Adele came out and he yelled at her. He was like have her sign the fucking NDA and don't bring strays off the street, this isn't a shelter... She got me the NDA and I signed it."

"Wait... you were just a high school kid. NDA's do not apply to you."

"I didn't look like a high school kid. I was dressed in business attire, earlier that day I accompanied Nana and Vishaal to a meeting so I looked young yes but not high school young and the thought didn't even cross my mind. I didn't realize at the time minor couldn't sign NDAs. So yeah, I did that but I got a really bad vibe from Adele's boyfriend... who was Jack Rothstein but I didn't know who he was until the summer I had to leave for college. I didn't hang out with her much after that."

She takes another deep breath and turns her body to face me.

"Jack Rothstein's grandfather and Nana were at Harvard together. They were good friends, the Rothstein family... well you probably know of them, they have assets everywhere, I think they're worth about 19 billion right now... something like that, anyway, Rothstein's grandfather always came from money but really built the business out and yeah, Nana and him had a great working relationship. Even when they went after the same deals which was rare, it was very civil and they never tried to undercut each other. However, 20 years ago Rothstein's grandfather passed and everything as left to Jack to take over after undergrad, which he did. Now... remember when we had that lunch with Ros where I told you guys a story after the Harvard seminar trip?

"Yeah, you went to New york and your grandfather closed a deal over breakfast at their apartment."

"Yeah, that deal... Jack was after it as well but he couldn't seem to convince the couple to sell to him. He came on too strong and I think it was the fact that he was young and just... a fucking prick you know. He thinks he's god's gift to the earth much like what'shisname... they both met Harvard and became good friends and pretty had the same trajectory in their college careers... so anyway, that deal was essentially AHAK's first foray into private, ground up development. Up until it was just buying majority interest in various real estate ventures so this was going to be a risk but a risk worth taking. By the way... side note... AHAK owns majority share in the company that runs the Fairmont. So you're essentially paying my family to hang out with me." She giggles.

"I know. I'm not all that happy about it." I grumble.

She climbs on top of me and gives me small kisses. "Don't be grumpy Mr. Grey... I love you."

"I love you too but you're interrupting your own story time, Miss Steele." She stops and looks at me and cocks her head to one side.

"Good, you're catching on to the rules." She winks and gives me one more kiss and sits back down on the couch making me chuckle.

"So... one of the buildings in that deal was a fucking shit show. It would've cost far more to do a gut reno... it just made sense to demo the whole building and build anew. That particular building was on 59th Street and right in front of central park. Like, Central park looked like a carpet to walk on from those apartments. Now, the lot behind our building, Jack bought that building before we closed this deal. His idea was to combine the two lots and building this super big residential high rise but... we obviously put a dent in that. And then it was an issue of the view of the park because if we built up again and higher, the original building that was there was only 20 stories, we had plans to go to up to at least 50. So... you know this, the view is half the game and if you ain't got that... well... yeah.

Now the spring and summer before I went to college, I had recovered significantly, I'd go out to New York for a few weeks at a time to help out Kiran and be her intern... any way, I came to find out that AHAK was having a lot of trouble getting approval for the new development. They went through several rounds of pre-determinations and meetings with the building commissioner and it was a real shit show. Here they were sitting on potential and nothing could done without approval, the city would take months to get back to us and they were just dragging it out. It was just an empty building; they couldn't rent it out because it was... it was bad. There was asbestos and it had been poorly managed. In spring of 2015, I joined Kiran and Nana with the architects to meet with the building commissioner, to make our case. When I walked in I recognized him from Jack's apartment. He never saw me and therefore didn't know me.

The meeting was a bust; they brought stupid, minor issues and said we need to review this over. Which essentially meant, we'd take another 5 months and get back to you with a no. When we were done, it was around lunch time so I told Kiran I wanted to go up by the building to check it out... we did and I saw the building on the back lot start to come up and I asked Kiran and she said, that's the Rothstein building. They got the go ahead recently and it's been smooth sailing for them. I looked up who Jack was and I put two and two together. I called up Rania and asked her about the NDA and she said exactly what you did and then I went up to Nana and told him of what I saw. Our lawyers reached out to the Southern District, I told them what I had seen. I remembered the exact date because it was my second last Friday in the city before going back home. I told them about my NDA but they were able to pull CCTV footage from that block and they could see the commissioner walking out and looked into him extensively, finding an offshore account with a indecent amount of retirement money I should say. We eventually settled and Rothstein barely got a slap on the wrist, he was heavily fined but I guess, when you're a freaking billionaire, you can get out of shit easy... but our plans for development got approved almost immediately after that and it was smooth sailing for us too."

Holy. Fucking. Fuck. I just stare at her and she looks back at me with a concerned expression on her face.

"What?" she asks in a small voice.

"Ana... I... you put yourself on the line for them. Rothstein could've hurt you."

She swallows. "But he didn't. I mean... this was all just a coincidence. Besides, I don't think he would cause bodily harm to his friends family." She shrugs.

"How the fuck is he still friends with him after that shit he pulled with the family?"

"His definition of loyalty is different I guess. I know I take it way more seriously than him but... whatever... I'm fine, nothing happened to me. I mean... him hanging out with Rothstein again doesn't really mean anything. Rothstein already has investments in Seattle. What more are they gonna go for? Karan's right he's probably just trying to rile you up"

I should tell her about what I know but I don't really know much. We're still trying to figure it out. I don't want to burden her right now. I want this weekend with her to be free of worry. She's had a really tough week and I don't want her to cry. I want her to be happy.

"I'm in awe of you Ana."

"Christian, I did what anyone would've done for their family."

"They don't deserve you."

She looks away. "It's not about who deserves what. It's about how much you love the people in your life. Even if I didn't do it for everyone, I did it for Nani and Nita. This is their legacy too. It was the right thing to do and it was fucking scary but it had to be done. You would do the same for your family."

"I don't want you to get hurt Ana." I hold her face.

"Christian, he won't hurt me. Not in the way you're thinking..."

**APOV**

I'm done getting dressed and find myself looking out the window. I wish it wasn't raining, I wish we could go out for a walk. I've always wanted the simple things. I think that was one of the best things Ray could have done for me. Aside from being my father and loving me, he taught me to find the joy in the simple things life had to offer. I wonder what he would think of my life now. Would he be proud of me? After the accident, I promised to never take anything for granted and I don't but now realizing that I won't have the freedom simply walk down the block and that really stings.

We've spent the better part of the morning in our robes just talking. I feel better having told Christian about everything but he always gets that look that worries me. I don't want him to think I'm a damsel in distress. I'm fine now... I just... need time every now and then to process things and get back to normal. If my theories are correct then I really need to figure out a way to shut Vishaal down. I need to tell Rania but I am so scared. What if she doesn't believe me... I know, and then I'll really know if she really did love me. I know that argument, I've had it millions of times in my head but... can I really throw that entire family into chaos and just walk away into the sunset with my own happily ever after? I can't do that to Nani and Nita. What kind of person would I be? There has to be another way. I have to find another way.

"Hey baby..." Christian whispers and kisses my neck, bringing me out of my reverie.

"Hi..."

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing, just how I wish it wouldn't rain so much here... it makes me miss the sun in SF."

"When do you want to go?"

"If mama and Nani do indeed come back on the 20th, then I'd like to go the following weekend. Give them sometime to recover from the jet lag and get back into a routine."

"You want me to come?"

"It'd be great if you could but I understand if you have work to do." I turn back and give him a kiss. I never want to drag him with me. I don't want to burden him like that. He's got a big life that requires his full attention.

"I can work from anywhere Ana, just say the word and we'll go."

"I'd really like for you to come, spend some time with Mama and Nani, they want to get to know you and also Aria and Rania... I imagine she has some embarrassing things she's dying to tell you about me." I laugh.

"I'd love to, baby." He hugs me tighter. "What do you want to do this afternoon?"

I'd really love to go and watch a movie but that's out of the question with all this mess... maybe I can turn him into a TV junkie then.

"Can we watch a show?"

"Where?"

"Here. There's this show I'm obsessed with, it's called Succession, it's about this billionaire family... anyway I still haven't watch the second season, Kate and I have just been busy but... I was hoping I could show you the first episode of season 1 and if you like it, we'll watch the first season together and then second... we don't have to binge watch it... I'll start you slow... we need to ease you into this lifestyle." I wiggle my eyebrows at him and he laughs.

"Okay, Miss Steele, lead the way."

We climb onto bed and I make the selection on the TV. "Oh by the way, there's another show I love called Billions... we'll watch that too sometime, it's set in New York...anyway... I'm going to show you the trailer for Succession first. You know give you a feel of what's to come... to prepare you." I say in my most ominous voice and he smirks.

"I'm bracing for impact Miss Steele." He gives me a quick kiss.

I show him the trailer and he tells me he's intrigued. YES! I've hooked him; now time to reel him in. The episode starts and every now and then I steal a look to see if he even likes it and to my surprise he's fully invested in it. He laughs at Roman's antics and calls him all the names in the book making me laugh. The episode ends and he looks at me.

"Some of that shit was fucked up." He says a little wide-eyed.

"I know... like when I first watched it I was like... fucking white people..." I laugh and he joins in. "but this is obviously insane... I mean all that wealth and how they act is just... " I shudder.

"Do you see yourself in any of these characters?" he asks and the question surprises me.

"Not really... I mean, maybe a little in Greg but only in terms of his proximity to the family and the fact that I know a lot of everyone's secrets... but otherwise I see a little of myself in all of them but that's what makes a good story, no? When you can see a bit of yourself in the characters or plot or not and it can strengthen your resolve about the truths and values you believe in."

"Yeah, I guess so. Fuck, this is why I keep my shit to myself. Those kids are out to kill each other for control of the company."

"That's half the fun in the show."

"Can we watch episode 2" he asks me so earnestly that it makes me laugh and I just have to kiss him.

"Of course we can but... I was hoping to go visit James and his wife in Seattle-Mason. Would you be up for that? If not, I can visit them on my own sometime next week."

"No I want to go. This way we don't need to stagger our arrival. We can just walk in."

I kiss him again. I love this man so much. "Okay great, let me confirm with him and we can head out... do we need security? I don't think so. I mean no one knows we're here..."

"Sawyer is on call. Let me know when you want to go and he'll drive us."

**CPOV**

We arrive at Seattle-Mason and meet with James and his wife Anita who are in a dedicated room to visit with their twin daughters and facilitate the bonding process.

They're fucking tiny and Ana is completely obsessed, asking all the questions in the world. They named their daughters Athena and Maria after each of their own mothers. After talking to them for a bit, Ana and I leave and walk across to the nursery. She stops and looks over each one from the viewing glass. Some of the babies are crying, most are sleeping as we see nurses tend to each.

"They're all so beautiful." Ana says in wonder.

"And tiny."

She giggles. "Yes, you mentioned that quite a number of times. You seem to be very concerned with their size." Looking at me with a smile.

"Yeah well... they are small."

She turns her gaze back at them. "But also incredibly strong." Her face falls and I wonder what she's really referring to. She looks at them with a longing almost. What else is she hiding? What else do I not know? I move in behind her and kiss her temple. Maybe one day, we'll stand here looking at our baby...

We're both brought back to the hear and now by a nurse calling out Ana's name.

"Hi Hazel, I was going to come and find you after I was done soaking up cuteness here." Ana smiles.

"I saw you and I thought I'd beat you to it. How are you?" She laughs.

"I'm good... also, this is my boyfriend Christian, we came to see the Thornton babies."

The nurse and I exchange pleasantries. She an older Haitian woman with a strong accent but a warmth about her that makes sense for her to be in this profession.

"I wanted to let you know that your application to be a baby cuddler got approved. I don't know if you received the email yet, but I heard from my supervisor about an hour ago and I saw you and thought I'd tell you in person as well."

Ana's face lights up and she immediately hugs Hazel. "I'm so happy... but wait, I thought there was a waitlist."

Hazel gives a small smile. "Between you and me, I think it has more to do with the press."

"Oh, I see. Is your supervisor still here? I'd like to talk to them. I'm happy to wait my actual turn, I don't want to take this opportunity from someone who's been waiting and I don't want there to be any expectations of me given my associations."

"I understand. My supervisor left for the day but you should have received an email from them..."

"I'll check in a bit and set up a meeting to talk with them. Thank you, Hazel."

"Anytime. I hope everything gets sorted out."

We say our goodbyes and head to the car.

"When did you apply to be a baby cuddler?"

"I applied a week before thanksgiving. Was hoping that by late spring I would get approval." She says looking out the window.

"You're not happy?"

"I am, I've wanted this for a while but not at the expense of them doing this in hopes of me donating something... I mean, I don't have access to that kind of money. I'll happily donate what I got from GEH but you know... I don't... want it to be with the idea of expectation. I wanted it to be on the merits of my experience."

We ride back in silence. Once we get back to the hotel, we order burgers and fries and watch the second episode of Succession. Ana is hilarious with her commentary as she curses some of the characters, making me laugh too. The show is really a train wreck and I find myself unable to look away.

"LOOK at that motherfucker, I mean..." Ana shakes her head and takes a bite of her burger.

A little while later we see one of the characters find out that their father's company is actually 3 billion dollars in debt. I look to Ana completely shocked.

She knowingly nods. "YEP. Told ya... this shit is bananas, my friend." She says in complete seriousness and we both end up laughing. I feel... she makes me feel so young and relaxed. I never knew something so simple like this could mean so much. Flynn's words come back to me.

"_All these experiences, albeit new and seemingly small mean more because they are with the person you love. These moments will help strengthen your bond with each other. Use these as building blocks to get to where you want to emotionally. Every experience you have with her will help in your evolution as a person." _

_..._

"Oooh, I forgot to tell you something yesterday about my conversation with that Domme I met." She says completely out of the blue.

This should be interesting. "Do tell Miss Steele." I kiss her temple and she gets up to face me.

"Look at you, all eyes and ears." She teases me.

"I'm fully invested in your journey of discovery Miss Steele." I smirk.

She splashes some water at me and begins. "She asked me if I liked calling the shots in bed and I was like... I don't know, I guess... I'm not sure." She shrugs. "And then she's like, when I first walked in I thought you were a submissive, like the submissive type but as you opened up, I think you're more of a switch." She giggles.

"Is that so?" I cock my head to one side and she starts to laugh. I pull her on top of me at the expense of spilling water over the top. "You know, I don't disagree with her assessment. You have the makings of a domme. You have the control and fortitude to be one."

"That is such a compliment coming from a Dominant." She sasses. "But I have no desire to be one. It looks like too much work, too much planning... and I'm lazy. I have no desire to tie you up or spank you Mr. Grey. You've followed my instructions before, I trust you do so in the future." She laughs.

"You did spank me though..."

"Yeah just once because you were manhandling me and it hurt a little." She giggles.

"You liked it. Admit it." I kiss her neck making her laugh.

"Don't act like you didn't."

"Maybe a little." I say. She laughs and kisses me deeply.

"I like our dynamic the way it is. I wouldn't change it. I didn't even know such a thing could exist, the whole lifestyle seemed pretty absolute but talking to her really helped put things into perspective, just hearing from a woman helped, that's why it was important for me to do my own research and come to terms with it on my own."

I slowly nod. "I know and I'm glad you gave it a chance. You're right, I may not have been able to provide you with the answers and perspective you were looking for given my own warped ideas of being in the lifestyle. I think for the longest time I was fooling myself as well... again another product of the manipulation. As much as I hated us being apart, you were right. It did make me think and helped me see things differently and realize what was important and what I wanted in this life going forward."

"I know it seemed cruel but you know the saying, you've got to be cruel to be kind? The distance does help. Removing yourself from a situation does help. That's what being in Portland and being friends with Kate did for me. It helped me see everything in a new light. Sometimes the revelations you have are gut wrenching and some are beautiful and you can then choose to work towards what means the most to you." She ends with giving me a small kiss.

I deepen the kiss and lift her to take me in. "I want you, baby."

"I'm all yours..." she moans and she starts to grind on me slowly.

This feeling of euphoria never gets old... of hearing her and knowing that she's only ever felt this way with me and will always feel this way because of me.

I bury my face in her breasts, sucking and biting her nipples. Her moans get louder and she runs her hands through my hair and pulls at it gently. I fucking love that feeling. I never want it to stop.

I grab on to her hips and thrust into her harder as she increases her speed.

"Christian... I'm almost... fuckkk..." she moans and I feel her start to tremble and tighten around me. I latch on to her neck and bite down hard as her orgasm rips through her and she screams holding on to me for life as I groan and let go a few seconds later.

"I'm going to kill you if that leaves a mark." She says out of breath.

...

We're naked in bed and I'm lying on her stomach and she sings along with the music and runs her hands through my hair.

_Let's stare at each other  
Let's stare at each other  
Let's stare at each other  
And fall in love  
Let's stare at each other  
Let's stare at each other  
Let's stare at each other  
And fall in love_

_Amor amor  
Amor amor  
Es lo que quiero  
Es lo que quiero  
Amor amor  
Amor amor  
So, ven y dame  
Ven y dame_

"I like it when you do this."

'What?"

"Sing to me and run your hands through my hair."

"I like it too. Though I have to tell you, you need a haircut Mr. Grey." She giggles.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You can ask me anything, Mr. Grey."

"Why didn't you tell me you applied to be a baby cuddler at Seattle-Mason?" I feel her tense and she takes a moment to answer.

"It never really came up. I mean... it's not something I really publicize. It was just something I did with Nita and in Portland sometimes and then when I moved here. I missed it so I applied to Seattle-Mason. I figured I'd have references from two major hospitals and all that experience that it would help here too."

"When Ros and I were on our way to SF & LA she told me that you and Nita were volunteer baby cuddlers to NICU babies with neonatal abstinence syndrome and that Nita's friend helped by donating funding for a music therapy study."

She replies in a small voice. "Yeah, actually Nita donated that money on her own. She had read about a study that showed live music or singing helped babies who were going through withdrawal recover better and help reduce their stress and she wanted to help fund that research."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I move up to lie and face her, pulling her close to me.

"Honestly, it just never came up, I think I would've eventually told you but when you told me about your birth mom at the pool house during that first couples session with John... I... I didn't think I'd ever tell you because... I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable or bring up any bad memories."

I feel the emotion catch up to me but I try to push it away. "You'd sing to these babies?"

"Yeah... I only started in the fall of 2014. My recovery was looking good, I'd recovered about 80% of my speech I'd say. I didn't always need a wheelchair and I started going with Nita. I mostly just had to sit and hold these babies, rocking them while I'd hum or sing. It helped me a lot as well. It was the best therapy but it was also hard in a way... because you could feel the pain in how they screamed..." she starts to cry. "They were so small and scared and confused, feeling all this pain and there wasn't much I could do to take it away from them. Holding them and singing to them helps because of the vibrations, it's a calming effect and just showing them love. Some of these babies didn't have anyone, which was so heartbreaking... Once they'd get better, they'd have to go into the foster system and watching them be taken away was extremely hard. I once told Nita I wish I could adopt them and keep them with me forever but of course that wasn't possible so Nita would also donate to some of the foster care facilities where these babies would go... sometimes I'd wonder if Carla ever showed me any love like that, I never experienced any affection from her." She wipes her face.

"I've wondered the same about my birth mom. I don't really remember her or any affection." I share. "I just have these small vignettes; her calloused hands, sometimes brushing her hair... the sound of her laugh. She used to call me maggot, that was her pimps nickname for me and she just reinforced it. She was always sleeping after getting her fix or with a visitor and I was always hungry. I barely ate. I don't even know how she kept me alive. I just remember the constant fear and hiding. When she died, no one found us for 4 days. I was starving, severely dehydrated with rashes on my skin... but Grace was on duty that night. She saved me. She was an angel." I feel my eyes burn and I choke on my words.

She pulls me in for a hug and holds me tight and it takes all of my control to not let the sadness take over.

"Is that what you meant in your speech at WSU about knowing what it was to be profoundly hungry?" she asks with a heavy voice.

I silently nod, burying my face in her neck and I start to feel the tears slowly fall.

"Thank you for telling me. I know it's not easy... but I'll always be here for you whenever you want to tell me anything." She whispers in my ear.

I nod again.

"Grace told me about the night she found you in the hospital. She said that she immediately knew she had found her son."

"She saved my life and she was so patient with me and I lost out on so many years... I never let her close."

"It's not too late, Christian. She loves you more than life itself. All of you, she loves all of you. But I suspect you'll always be her favorite. You can still have a fulfilling relationship with her, you can always trust her." She kisses my cheek.

"Yeah, you're right. I'm trying, slowly. Being with you makes me want to try."

She pulls away and looks into my eyes crying. "I wish we had met at Harvard all those years ago, we could been friends at least and maybe helped each other... we spent all this time in so much pain and loneliness..."

"I wish the same but I don't think I would've been satisfied being just friends with you."

"Yeah... even back then you'd still be a perv." She smiles and leans in to kiss me.

"You're a saint. You went through all this shit and didn't let it hold you from giving back, you didn't throw money at the problem... you went into and actively tried to fix it yourself. These kids... I see myself in them. Maybe I was born like that too... and I would've needed that love but I never got it and then there was a chance to receive it... I didn't trust it."

"Christian... you can trust that love now. It will always be there for you whenever you need it... and I'm not a saint. So many people volunteer all the time. It's not something unheard of."

"No... but you're something else entirely. I've never met anyone like you. Saint Anastasia was a healer and you possess all those qualities. Is that who you're named after?"

She snorts. "No, I was named because it sounded cool and more so because of the Russian Royal family. Carla's late mother was Russian apparently... and Christian, there are people who are so much better than me. You just never gave people a chance."

"I wasn't meant to give them a chance. Only you." I kiss her deeply and hold her tight as I feel tears fall from her eyes.

She pulls away and I wipe the tears from her cheeks. "So you're basically saying that I'm a saint which means, sex with me is a totally holy experience for you, right?" Like we can agree on that?" She says with all the sass and laughs.

I laugh out loud. "You're such a freak Miss Stele, of course you would say something like this. Have I ever told you how much I love that smart mouth?"

She giggles. "No, but you can show me how much you love it."

"Miss Steele, allow me to demonstrate."

I lift her leg and pull it over me and enter her slowly, kissing her, not letting her breathe. Possessing her.

Mine.

Always, mine.

* * *

**Authors Note: **their weekend isn't over yet. Christian will be sharing more with Ana soon!

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out board for chapter 41:)

**Music:**

Stare at Each Other and Fall in Love - Daniela Andrade.


	43. Chapter 43

A little bit of a filler chapter or is it? This is a continuation of Chapter 42.

* * *

Chapter 43 – I wanna be your eyes and show you me.

_Sunday, February 16th, 2020_

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_**CARMELA ON TOP FOR THE SEATTLE NOOZ**_

_Good morning my caramel bites._

_Now, you know me, I never leave the comfort of my bed on a Sunday morning but this scoop was just too hard not to share._

_It seems that we may soon hear the sound of pitter patter of little feet around town._

_Our new favorite IT couple was spotted at Seattle-Mason (the proof is in the caramel pudding below) smiling at a nursery full of newborns. I mean, look at those strong hands caressing his lady's (growing?) belly. It appears little Miss Steele works fast. Wedding bells may also be on the horizon? Oh I hope so. I haven't been to a good wedding in ages._

_What do you think they're having? A boy or a girl or who knows... maybe even twins? I can't wait to see. Double the sweetness, yes please!_

_May the rest of your Sunday be as sweet as caramel._

_Send me your delicious thoughts._

_Love & Caramel,_

_Carmela on Top._

_Image_001: Christian Grey &, Anastasia Steele lovingly gazing over babies at the Seattle-Mason NICU nursery._

_Image_002: Christian Grey kissing Anastasia Steele with his hand on her belly._

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I feel Ana get back into bed and lean in close to kiss me all over.

"Wake up." She whispers and giggles.

"What time is it? You said weekends are for sleeping." I grumble.

"It's almost 10 and it appears we're pregnant." She says seriously.

"WHAT?" My eyes are fully open and she bursts out into laughter.

"I mean, according to the press we're pregnant." She continues to laugh.

"Well if it's in the papers then it must be true." I say, willing my heart rate back down to a considerable pace.

"Did I really freak you out?"

"I mean, a little... it was quite the wakeup call."

"Sorry, I couldn't resist." She leans back in to give me a small kiss making me smile.

"So what are we having?"

She reads the Seattle Nooz piece with all the sass and I snort. PR is going to lose their shit and Ros will love every second of this. I pick up my phone and sure enough I have a million texts and emails from everyone. Ana and I respond to all the family inquiries via text. Most of them know it's not real but the congratulations still pour through in jest.

"PR wants to know what statement to put out."

"No comment."

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"Yep. I want to have a little fun with this." She says in her playful scheming voice.

"Miss Steele, who are you?" I can't hide my amusement now. _My playful girl is always close by._

"I'm a girl who's pissed at the press for attacking me and I'm going to keep them guessing and frustrate them beyond measure. I'm really patient, as you know. They don't deserve our attention. They don't deserve jack shit." She says staring at the ceiling with the tense face but for some reason I get the sense she's talking about something else. "Besides... I have some ideas. I'll run them by you once they're fully cooked and ready for execution." She giggles.

"In that case maybe we should continue to practice our baby making skills... to make sure we're doing it right."

She giggles again and I lean in and start to kiss her neck. Soon we fall into the rhythm of making slow, gentle love. Whispering I love yous, making promises to each other and getting lost in each others eyes as we both become one, completely.

My face is buried in her neck as we come down from our high and her hands are in my hair, massaging my scalp.

"I really hope we can have babies." She says her voice wavering.

I look up and I see tears falling from her eyes and I'm overcome with emotion. "We will. I'm certain of it. You are meant to be a mother."

We lie holding each other in comfortable silence.

Ana's phone rings. "Oh god." She groans before answering and setting it to speaker.

"Hey Queen."

"DON'T '_HEY QUEEN'_ ME YOU HAG. WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ? YOU BETTER NOT BE PREGNANT. WHEN I TOLD YOU TO TRAP HIS ASS, I MEANT WITH A RING ON YOUR FINGER NOT WITH A BABY COMING OUT OF YOUR WALNUT HOLE. I SWEAR TO GOD I AM NOT READY FOR THIS SHIT. BETWEEN ROS HAVING A BABY, PHILLIP WANTING TO ADOPT AND THIS NEWS OF YOU SCOPING OUT BABIES... I AM ABOUT TO LOSE MY SHIT... I...CAN"

"But Jose..."

"SILENCIO! HAG. I CANNOT BE A DAD AND AN UNCLE WITH THREE BABIES IN TOW. DO YOU HEAR ME? I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS SHIT. MY ONLY JOB IN LIFE WAS TO BE A DROP DEAD GORGEOUS QUEEN, A TROPHY HUSBAND AND A GBF. DO NOT TURN ME INTO AN UNCLE, THERE AIN'T ENOUGH LA MER IN THE WORLD TO KEEP THOSE CROWS FEET FROM COMING IN."

Ana and I lose our shit trying not to laugh.

"Jose, you of all people should know that I am... NOT pregnant." Ana is practically howling, all red with tears falling out of her eyes.

"YOU BETTER NOT BE. TELL THAT MAN OF YOURS THAT HE BETTER DOUBLE WRAP IT BEFORE HE TAPS IT. INFACT, TRIPLE WRAP THAT SHIT. WITH THAT FACE AND THAT LEVEL OF SUCCESS WE CANNOT AFFORD THE RELEASE OF ANY KRAKEN CAUSE WE KNOW HOW SUCCESSFULLY IT WILL INVADE YOUR OVARIES."

Ana tries to calm down but fails spectacularly.

"Well, my darling Queen I'll definitely keep that thought in mind when I have sex from now on..." she looks to me laughing. "oh... and by the way, you're on speakerphone with us."

We hear Jose half shriek, half cry and clear his throat and begins to talk in his usual lawyer demeanor.

"Oh...well then, let me amend my previous statement to say that, I hope you and your significant other exercise extreme caution when taking part in... physically pleasurable activities to avoid reproduction as to not interfere with my life plans and social standing in society."

"We'll certainly keep that in mind, Mr. Rodriguez. Thank you for so eloquently making your demands." I say, trying not to laugh.

"Thank you, I appreciate your willingness in the matter. Good day to you both."

He hangs up and Ana and I lose it again.

"There really isn't anything simple about him at all." I laugh.

"Yes there isn't... poor thing, sounded like he was having a heart attack. This is what I love most about him. The drama he creates out of thin air."

"What's a GBF?"

"Gay Best Friend." Ana giggles.

"Thank god he's gay. I would've fired him if he was straight cause there is no way he would've wanted to be _just friends_ with you."

"So jealous Mr. Grey..." She climbs on top of me. "but I'm only yours... allow me to demonstrate" she kisses me deeply and effectively distracts me again with her tongue.

...

I had Taylor bring over the R8 to the Fairmont for Ana and I to head out to Mom and Dad's for dinner. Mom's weekend shifts at Seattle-Mason are finally over and her first order of business is to have us all over for Sunday family dinner.

I walk Ana to the passenger side and help her get in. Once I take my seat she leans her head forward on the dashboard and giggles looking at me.

"It's so good to see you again Lola, I've missed you."

I chuckle. "Miss Steele, I didn't know you and Lola were close."

"I made a playlist for her the moment I met her, of course we're close. Don't be jealous." She snaps back and laughs.

She cues the music and the song starts to play... the sultry sound of the trumpet flows through. The song sounds familiar. I've heard it before... I can't place it...

"Is this Iron & Wine?" I ask.

"Yeah, with Calexico."

_How do you bust the clouds?  
Head on the ground and feeling what you've seen  
I wanna scope you out  
I wanna be your eyes and show you me_

"I haven't heard this song in ages. I didn't know you were into this kind of music."

"I know I play a lot of current stuff but I have a whole playlist for all the music I listened to when I was a kid and in my teens. I listen to that on my off days when I want to feel a little better. Mostly it was a lot of 90's and early 2000's stuff minus the classics."

"I'd love to hear it."

"I'd love to hear what kind of music you like too. I know I've essentially taken over your life, sorry about that." She giggles.

"Well I love the music you play and... I'm not sure you'd like my music..."

"You were born in the 80's, I've grown up on all kinds of music. I mean, as long as it's not Black Sabbath or Led Zepplin... I never really got into that stuff." She laughs.

"Okay, I guess I won't play that for you."

"Actually, let me play you something. This is my FAVORITE Prince song... I'm sure you know it."

She starts the song and sings along to it, looking at me, throwing her arms up, acting it out. She's so fucking full of life. I adore her this way, incredibly happy and free of worry. I recognize the song, I've heard it maybe 2-3 times but it means something different now.

_If I gave you diamonds and pearls  
Would you be a happy boy or a girl  
If I could I would give you the world  
All I can do is just offer you my love_

_D to the I to the A to the M  
O to the N to the D to the pearls of love  
D to the I to the A to the M (to the M)  
O to the N to the D to the pearls of love_

"Yeah?" she looks at me laughing.

"Solid choice, Miss Steele."

"Oh this song, I'm about to play... I LOVE IT but Ray hated it." She clicks play and I groan. "What?" she asks.

"Nothing. Elliot would always sing this like a fucking bear to annoy the shit out of me."

_Never gonna give you up  
Never gonna let you down  
Never gonna run around and desert you  
Never gonna make you cry  
Never gonna say goodbye  
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you_

"Oh Grey, you just gave me SO much ammunition. I am gonna play this bitch up in Escala and it will be ga-lo-ree-us."

"I'm in love with a monster." I roll my eyes.

"Yep, no escape now." She laughs and continues to sing and dance. "I think I'm going to have dance night every week when I have my girls over. I miss that." She muses. I hold my hand out and she takes and I kiss her knuckles.

_So needless to say  
I'm odds and ends  
But I'll be stumbling away  
Slowly learning that life is okay  
Say after me  
It's no better to be safe than sorry_

_Take on me (take on me)  
Take me on (take on me)  
I'll be gone  
In a day or two_

Ana makes me feel like a kid again. I never had these experiences. I remember, Mia and Elliot would sing along to the radio. I'd quietly look out the window and tune them out whenever we went on road trips. I kept myself from making those memories. Mia would always nudge my arm and wiggle her eyebrows to try and get my attention but I never really paid attention. I just zone everything out trying to find peace and stillness.

We walk in to Mom and Dad's and they both hug us. They still adhere to my boundaries... I'm really trying to work on that. Even Ana is still careful after everything. I've told her she can touch me but she's apprehensive.

The last time Ana and I were here, things were... they fucking sucked but now we're here and we're stronger than before. Happier.

"How are you with all the press darling?" Grace asks as we all stand around in the kitchen.

Ana lightly shrugs. "I'm okay, I think as long as I stay out of sight it'll be good. Though that Carmela woman's spies are everywhere." She laughs.

"It'll die down soon." Carrick smiles at her.

"I hope so. I don't want to live in hiding forever." She says with a small smile.

Elliot and Kate are still on their way. Mia is in Boston with Ethan, helping him wrap up the last of this things to move back to Seattle.

We talk more about the Seattle-Mason gala. Mom wasn't able to attend due to an emergency with one of her patients and Dad hates coming to these things alone but they both praise Ana's effort to help raise money and she blushes in embarrassment. Dad asks me to join him in the study and all these years later it still holds a negative feeling.

"Hey Dad, what's up?"

"Nothing son, I wanted to ask you how you were doing?"

"I'm good."

"You and Ana look really happy. I know the press stuff is bullshit but the picture of you and Ana at the hospital was... well it damned near made me choke up." He laughs.

Fuck. I try to laugh it off. "Yeah, it was a moment we had. We went to Seattle-Mason to check in on a GEH employee whose wife gave birth to pre-mature twins and on our way out she stopped to see the babies."

"Yeah, they tend to catch your attention." He smiles. "Are you and Ana thinking about starting a family soon?"

I swallow. "We've talked about it... I mean eventually down the line. She really wants to be a mother. We've been going to couples therapy to work on our relationship so there's that... "

"You both look really happy and I'm glad you're back together..."

"Thanks Dad, I'm really happy too. I'm finally in a good place with things..." I trail off.

He smiles at me and rubs my shoulder. "Good. Just remember not to fuck up. God bless your mother, she's hasn't buried me yet but you never know..." he chuckles and I smirk.

I walk out with Dad back into the kitchen. "Where's Ana?" I ask.

"I think she went upstairs, I had a call from the hospital and she told me she'd be right back." She smiles.

I go up to my room and find Ana looking through my bookshelf. I walk in and lock the door.

She turns around and gives me a sweet smile. "Hey there Mr. Grey. I thought I'd kill some time up here while everyone was busy."

"I know of something we can do together to kill time." I smirk.

"You have a one track mind." She laughs.

"I do. All those times you were in my room with me... it was absolute torture not being able to have you." I say as I close the distance between us.

"Is that so?" her breathing has changed and her cheeks are flushed. She looks absolutely beautiful right now. This dress hugs her just right and it's taking everything in me not to rip it off of her.

"Would you like me to show you? I smirk.

She bites her lip. "I want to say yes but this is your parents house."

"I guess we'll just have to be really quiet then." I whisper in her ear and bite her earlobe making her mewl as she tries to free her hands from my grasps. I can't help but smile.

I pull her towards the bed and she straddles me. She giggles. "Are we about to live out a teenage Christian Grey fantasy."

"Oh I really hope so Miss Steele... it's a good thing we didn't meet as teenagers... I wouldn't have ever let you go."

We kiss and lose ourselves. She unzips me and begins to stroke me... it feels fucking amazing as she kisses my neck, biting and sucking... pulling on my hair.

"Baby, I want to come inside you..." I groan.

"Hmm, ask and you shall receive Mr. Grey." She kisses me and bites my lip and slowly takes me in. Fuck... I love how fucking tight she is, every time she takes me in... it feels like heaven.

She tries not to moan as she slowly moves up and down. I take over her mouth and hold her in place, while I tease her clit. She's almost there and it's torture for her I can tell. I love nothing more than the sound of her moaning my name and how much she loves this but I can't have anyone else hearing us.

"Christian... " she whispers. The need in her voice is such a fucking turn on. I grab the nape of her neck and snake my free arm around her waist as I lock her mouth with mine and aggressively thrust up into her as she moves... she comes in no time and I mewls into my mouth, begging for air. I come inside of her just a few thrusts later and loosen my hold on her.

Our foreheads rest against each other as we silently catch our breaths. I hold her face and look into her eyes, she looks at me with dreamy eyes and a dreamy smile.

"Teenage Christian Grey was quite the sexpert." She giggles.

"Miss Steele, you're so kind with your compliments." I give her a small kiss. "You look so beautiful like this. I wish this weekend didn't have to end."

"I wish the same too." She gives me a deep kiss.

We're suddenly startled by loud banging on the door.

"OH DOROTHYYYY IT IS I... YOUR FAVORITE BROTHERRRR. JUST WHAT ARE YOU DOING BEHIND THIS CLOSED DOOR?" Elliot bellows like the fucking frat boy asshole that he is.

Before I can even say anything, Ana puts her hand on my mouth and yells. "ELLIOT GREY YOU PROMISCUOUS LITTLE TART I AM GOING TO MURDER YOUR ASS WHEN I COME OUT THERE."

We hear Kate yell, from what seems like the stairs at Elliot as he laughs and suddenly there's silence.

She looks back at me and we both fall into a fit of laughter. "Thank God we were done...otherwise I would've incinerated him. NO ONE interrupts my happy time with you." She laughs.

"Happy time?" I smirk.

"Shut up. We need to go and commit the perfect murder before he opens his big mouth." She giggles.

**APOV**

We make our way down and thankfully Grace and Carrick are not around but Elliot and Kate are sitting on the couch looking at something on their phone. They both look up at us with sly grins when we walk in and I narrow my eyes at them.

"SO KIND OF YOU TO JOIN US." Elliot starts and Kate slaps his arm and he laughs.

"Fuck off, Lelliot." Christian says in his usual manner as we take our seats.

"So tell us... what did you kids do for Valentine's Day?"

"Christian took me on the choppa for a tour of Mt. Rainier and we had a staycation at the Fairmont." I say deliberately and look at him laughing.

"Helicopter, Anastasia. Helicopter." He grumbles while Elliot and I both laugh like hyenas.

Kate gives me our usual girl talk signal and we both excuse ourselves and go into the basement.

"TELL ME EVERYTHING." Kate whips back at me before we're even reach the last step.

"Ask away and I shall answer as best as I can."

"Well... how many?"

I roll my eyes. Of course that's all she wants to know.

"In all honesty, I stopped counting after 12."

She screams at the top of her lungs. "ANASTASIA HOE STEELE!" in excitement.

A few moments later we hear Elliot yell from the top of the stairs "WHAT AM I MISSING?"

"NOTHING, GO BACK TO YOUR DARLING BROTHER." I yell back.

When we hear the door close Kate begins again. "My girl is all grown up and certified hoe. I am so proud of you. I never thought this day would come but COME IT HAS AND IN ABUNDANCE IT SEEMS." She laughs out loud, clapping her hands.

"Thanks mama." I roll my eyes. "What about you?"

She snorts "Well certainly not as many times as you. We caught up on sleep and binged watched The Good Place."

"Damn... who are you Kavanagh?"

"It's all this flying back and forth. I'm fucking tired. You think I don't want to be having sex? I'm just so fucking tired but I'm staying put for two weeks so hopefully I'll be back in formation very soon and then... Elliot won't know what hit him."

"Hurricane Kavanagh?"

"Category 5, bitch. Coming at you with full force." She wiggles her eyebrows and we both cackle like witches and continue to catch up.

...

Dinner was wonderful. I've missed his parents. They're so involved and funny. It brings back some memories of SF that I try to shake. I have all these wonderful memories of family dinners that I can no longer look back on without sadness because that Dementor is in every single one of them. From before everything happened. It makes me wonder how long the manipulation had been in play... I shake my head to rid myself of the negativity. Elliot is determined to call Christian, Dorothy, whenever he can and we all laugh at his expense. It's so easy to tease him... but I see him smile every now and then. He's learning to accept all this slowly and surely. He's opening up and it's bringing us closer together.

We get back to Escala and exit the penthouse elevator. Before I can head to his room he asks me to join him upstairs in the guest room I picked for myself. He co-ordinated with Kate to have the movers move all my things this weekend. I thought I'd get a chance to say goodbye to my old room and have one last hurrah with Kate but the fucking press ruined that for me. They're still hanging outside the building during the day.

"Christian, do we have to? I don't want to see all those boxes and have my OCD give me anymore anxiety than I already have." I whine.

"Baby, just follow me. Just have one quick look." He smiles at me. God dammit. You and your gorgeous smile.

I drag myself along and climb the stairs and we reach the room. He opens the door and turns the light on and my jaw drops to the floor. There are no boxes. All my things are neatly set up and wow my room back at the apartment was small because this room looks empty with all my stuff in it. I walk in and I'm still in shock. My huge ass map is plastered on one wall with all my pins.

My bed really is tiny compared to Christian's that's literally the size of a city block.

"I wanted to order you so more seating but I thought I'd first run by you since you probably wanted a theme. Also, your clothes are downstairs in my walk-in closet as well." He says softly. Oh fuck, I have not said a word have I? I've just wondered around aimlessly like a fool. Truth is I can't find the words. What the fuck do I say? I would've been fine with a fucking mattress on the floor here too. I mean... this is just so over the top. I would've been fine organizing all my own shit slowly. Oh wow, he's had proper colored LED lights installed. The room is bathed in a red hue. This looks like a room in the red light district. Kate was right, I am Anastasia Hoe Steele. What a way to start the new decade.

I feel a sudden pang of guilt. Am I being a brat for wanting to have my own room? I mean I certainly don't intend to sleep here, just have my own space that I can retreat to. Something that's mine... where I can reset for a bit. Now that going out is never gonna be in my future. I should probably talk this out with Flynn. Yes, I need to go to therapy to make sense of these 'in debt' feeling again.

CPOV

Ana looks a little lost. She slowly walks around. She blinks and stops and walks around a little and then stops.

I find it so hard to read here when she's like this. Is she pissed? Is she happy?

I tell her about my initial thought of ordering more furniture but that I wanted her input. She processes my words for a moment.

"I.." she stops again and takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry... I wasn't expecting to see this all setup. I'm a little shocked actually."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Good. I'm... I've never really had a room this big, this all feels... I hope you don't think I want to live in this room. I just... wanted a space I could visit that could be my own... you know to reset, a little refuge from everything every now and then." Her voice wavers but she tries to rein it in.

I pull her into a hug and she looks up. "Thank you for everything. This entire weekend and having my room setup. You didn't have to do that. I would've been fine dealing with boxes and slowly setting up everything... it woul..."

I interrupt her with a searing kiss... "how about we christen your new room?" I smirk at her and she giggles.

"I like that idea."

...

"Holy fuck... that was quite a christening." She says out of breath trying not giggle.

I laugh. "Miss Steele, what am I going to do with that smart mouth of yours?"

"Learn to live with it." She snaps and giggles again. "You know, there's a thing that you have to have sex in every room to really make the place yours."

"In that case, we've got our work cut out this week." I turn to look at her.

"Settle down there sparky, how about we take it slow... this weekend was... epic but damn, that was a lot of sex. I think we have a problem..."

"You're complaining that we're having a lot of sex?"

"No... I mean... this is not normal right? I mean, I lost count after the 12th orgasm..."

"Well, I kept count. Including this round you've had 23 orgasms since Friday morning."

She takes a deep breath. "We're addicts. This is insane."

"I think it's perfectly normal."

"Of course you would, you perv." She giggles.

"Ana, your body is capable of much more. Heck you can have... I don't know... 10 orgasms in the span of 30 minutes if you want, maybe even more. I could give you 2 orgasms an hour to start and in a 24 hour span, we could get you to 50. "

"UH... no thanks, that sounds painful."

"You have the potential baby, women's bodies are superior that way."

"And what about your primitive body, it's not like you can re-up that quick... won't all that wear and tear wreak havoc on your..." she waves her hand "equipment." She laughs out loud.

"Granted, men are primitive but I live to give you pleasure so I can alternate between various ways to make you come."

She snorts. "Christian... you really want to kill me don't you?"

I chuckle. "Not kill you, just make you feel good."

She rolls her eyes and laughs.

"Are you sore baby?"

"No... not sore I think, just thoroughly fucked." She laughs.

I pull her in for a kiss. "Just how I like you."

"By the way, what's our official story going to be for Catherine?"

"You know we really don't need to meet with her right?"

"Christian, don't argue with me. I don't want to be held to a different standard because I'm dating you."

"Why do you always have to play by the rules?"

"Why Mr. Grey, isn't that the very premise of life? To follow rules so that you don't get punished?" She wiggles her eyebrows.

I climb on top of her and shower her with kisses while she squeals and tries to fight me. "That fucking smart mouth." She calms down after a bit and looks me straight in the eye trying not to giggle. "We can maintain that we met at the wedding."

"And not tell her we actually met at GEH?" she asks.

"What's the point? Let's keep it focused on the wedding. You didn't know I was going to be there and then we got together."

"CORRECTION. I didn't know you were going to there, you SEDUCED ME and then we got together."

I roll my eyes. She's right, I did seduce her. I wanted her the minute I saw her. The minute, I really saw her. "Fine. I seduced you."

"Good, I'm going to let you tell Catherine all the details. I'm just going to file my nails and make any corrections if need be." She sasses. "Also, promise me... no PDA at work. Everyone will already hate me and then if you show any PDA... god, the women will really murder me. You have no idea the shit I've had to hear all these past months and then for them to know that... " she rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

Intriguing. "Just what have you heard Miss Steele?" I raise an eyebrow.

She groans. "Every women under the age of 35 wants to fuck you okay. Which I know you know. You're pretty self aware of the effect you have on hetero women so don't even feign innocence. It's not a good look on you."

"Miss Steele, I cannot believe you would accuse me of such immodesty."

"Shut up, Grey. You love the attention. Don't lie." She laughs.

"But baby, you're the only woman I want to fuck."

"I better be or I'll break your equipment."

I have to laugh out loud at that. She really would. "Are you jealous of these women?"

"No but I don't want to face their wrath either. You don't know how fucking petty and vile women can be when they want to. Everything about me, from the hair on my head to the shoes I'm wearing will be scrutinized and I'll be looked at with an unreasonably critical eye. What makes her so special? I'm smarter... I'm prettier... I have bigger boobs... whatever... Blah blah... I know you're going to say, who cares? But I have to work with these bitches... this includes men who will also think I'm a hoe... so yeah, I'm not exactly jumping for joy about going into work tomorrow. I have Jose and Val but still, I deal with a lot of different people. It's just going to take time navigating this and adapting to a new normal where everyone knows the most personal shit about you and have formed their uninformed opinions... Listen, I can deal with the pettiness on the personal front just as long as none of them try to fuck with me when it comes to the actual work that needs to get done." She rubs her forehead.

"Do you want me to send out a memo?" I'll fucking do it. I don't want people coming at her with their fucking snide comment and making her life miserable. She doesn't deserve any of this shit.

She rolls her eyes. "That is not why I told you this. I don't need you to come in to save the say. Just know that if anyone says any fucked up shit to me, I will let. it. _rip_. And Catherine will just have to deal."

"Yes Miss Steele. Though, I have to be honest, I really hope you rip someone a new one. I'm addicted to watching you tear people apart. It's fucking a joy to see." I smirk.

"Now who's the freak in the relationship?" She laughs and pulls me in for a kiss.

Monday, February 17th, 2020

**APOV**

"You know, thank god we're going in one car now. This past year my carbon footprint has gone to shit and then exponentially so after we got together." I muse looking out of the window. He's holding my hand with his thumb stroking my knuckles. It calms me and I'm struggling between feelings of wanting to take him right now and being nervous of facing everyone at work. He really has turned me into a sex addict.

I hear him chuckle at my statement and I turn to look at him. Ass. "Miss Steele, as always you say the most unexpected thing."

"Keeping you on your toes, Grey. Need to make sure your mind is still sharp given your old age and all." I smirk. He lifts my hand to kiss it and lightly bites it and hot damn it lights up my core like winning the jackpot in Vegas. I need to start keeping and extra pair of panties with me for instances like this or when he rips them... which is very often.

He's wearing a light grey suit with a silver tie. He really does look fucking hot. FOCUS ON WORK ANA. Maybe I should let him kiss me in front of everyone, it might send a message to everyone that they better fucking stand down.

"Please don't do that."

He smiles at me. That _I own your ass_ smile. "Do what?" he asks innocently.

"You know what." I try not to smile like a fool.

He moves in closer. Oh fuck me. Thank god the privacy window is up. In no time he has two fingers inside of me, driving me wild. God dammit. I need to figure out a way to resist him and train my body not to react.

He finger fucks me while his tongue invades my mouth. Suddenly it's too fucking hot in here.

"Christian..." I moan..."I swear to god, I'm going to kill you." Fuck this feels good but I can't walk into work with a just fucked look.

"Baby if you do then how will you have 20 orgasm weekends." He chuckles.

"I'll buy a damn vibrator." I quip and he laughs.

"But then you'd miss having my cum inside of you." He breathes in my ear and holy fuck that unravels me. I immediately pull his tie and lock him in a kiss and moan as I lose myself. I can feel him smiling as he kisses me, smug fucker that he is. I love him. Even though he knows how to distract me, I love him.

He puts his fingers in his mouth. "You taste so sweet baby. Always the best kind of breakfast." He smirks while I try to fix myself and try to look presentable. We're almost at the GEH garage.

"You need to be put on a diet." I sass and he laughs.

"Good luck trying. I always get what I want." He leans in and gives me a quick kiss.

I roll my eyes at him. _My insatiable pervert._

Christian and I both walk into the lobby from the garage into the lobby to take the elevators to 15th to go meet Catherine in HR. She's expecting us. There's an eerie silence as people steal glances at both. Christian is unfazed and me? Will I'm a fucking bundle nerves wound up so fucking tight that I could snap at anytime. We stand to wait for the elevator with some people waiting in front of us. I recognize Maria from Finance. Oh fuck me. This going to be awkward... she's often expressed the desire to, well its too much detail for me to recall without gagging. Jose would thoroughly enjoy my predicament right now. The elevator doors open and Maria walks in first and turns around and she gapes at me but quickly recovers giving me a fearful expression almost. Oh god... don't be afraid of me.

I recognize a few more people but none of them really say hi to me, just give me small smiles. I guess they're weirded out. God this tension is killing me.

"Hi guys, I hope you all had a good weekend?" I say out loud. There. I feel less nervous now.

Andrew turns back to look at me. "Thanks for asking Ana, it was great." He says genuinely. I hear small murmurings of "it was good" from some of the others. I can feel Christian looking at me. Stop looking at me, Grey.

I look back at Maria. She gives me a small smile. I hold my hand out to her and she takes it. I give it a small squeeze and she relaxes considerably. Okay, I feel much better too.

Christian and I exit on 15th and walkthrough the floor towards Catherine's office. I see some a mixture scowls, genuine smiles and some completely impassive expressions on people's faces.

Catherine's assistant motions us to walk through towards her office where she's waiting for us.

She smiles warmly at us and asks us to sit.

"How can I help you both today?"

"Well Catherine, Miss Steele here would like us to officially announce that we're in a relationship. In case you didn't know." Christian smirks.

I roll my eyes at him, "Catherine, please know that we were eventually going to come to you in a few weeks after we had sorted some things out but this press leak was rather a stupid mistake on my cousin's part."

She chuckles. And we talk a little more about the fraternizations policies and it's the same spiel Christian gave me about the direct supervisor stuff. He's way too playful this morning. I clock Catherine's surprise at his candid demeanor as well.

We take the elevator to go to 20th to meet with PR in his office. The elevator is empty and he grabs me and kisses me hard before letting me go.

"Christian... "

'What?"

"I told you no PDA."

"Technically, in this scenario P stands for Private and we have privacy." He smirks, I roll my eyes and he slaps my ass. "I'm going to miss that delectable ass today."

"You know, you're way too happy about this situation." I grumble.

"I get to show the world you're mine. I'm ecstatic." He shrugs. He really is a fucking teenager about this shit.

Walking past Olivia to get to Christian's office was fucking torture. She's obsessed with Christian. A sweet girl but always barking up the wrong tree. She didn't even look at me. Andrea was sweet as ever and gave me a wink before I followed Christian into his office.

Our meeting with PR was a series of back and forth. Caleb aka Holden, strongly urges me to make a statement along with telling me about the litany of requests that have come in for me. Vogue, Elle, Seattle Times etc all want to do an interview with me and the fashion magazines want to do a small feature on "The Girl who captured the heart of one of America's most eligible bachelors." Complete with a fashion spread with both Christian and I. Actually... that would be kinda cool. Dressing up and getting our pictures taken. No... _focus, Ana._

"Caleb, would they be willing to amend their article titles to "How one of the most eligible bachelors in America was able to win the heart of a small town girl from Montesano? Cause then maybe I'd really give it a second thought."

Caleb tries to stifle a laugh along with Christian who's thoroughly enjoying this.

"I'm glad you both are finding this amusing but I'm not about give into this sexist crap. I'm an extremely private person. More than Mr. Grey here, which is why we had been waiting for the right time to announce but then all this happened on Thursday. I have no desire to be in the public eye or give any statements. They attacked me and my friends, I don't take that shit lightly." I say and I see Caleb's expression change.

"I understand Ana but the more you stay quiet they'll start to come up with ridiculous headlines and I'm sorry but it could potentially affect GEH too."

"Caleb, I'd like to think that those who do business with GEH are smart enough to know the difference between reality and fabricated BS. If something really damaging comes out then fine, we can work on a statement but something like my being pregnant, is too small time and frankly speaking... none of their business. And for the record, I am not pregnant and we are not adopting we went to check on a GEH employee and his new family."

"I understand your point of view but I would still ask you to consider. This could be beneficial in the end, just like the Seattle-Times write up about your fundraising efforts at the Gala. "

"The way Christian and I met or what I'm wearing does not in anyway help the important work that GEH is doing right now. It's just noise that will distract if anything."

"Not necessarily, it helps shine a light on it. It will make people pay attention when we do put out statements about the philanthropic efforts or any new tech ventures we embark on."

"I need to think about it." I say taking a deep breath. I know he's right. He can help craft the message.

Caleb looks to Christian. "Whatever the ol' ball and chain says." Christian says with a smirk. I look at him with murderous eyes and Caleb stammers trying to not laugh.

Caleb leaves and I look back at Christian.

"Ball and chain, eh? Well honey, have fun sleeping in your bed alone tonight." I snap. What's gotten into him?

He walks up to me and gives me an all-consuming kiss. The kind that makes me forget where I am.

"I love you ball and chain." He says breaking the kiss and it takes me a few seconds to recover.

"Whatever. You're acting really weird."

"You make me happy and I'm glad everyone knows now. We can show everyone we belong to each other and I kiss you whenever I want to."

Oh fuck. Why do you have to make me cry in the middle of a work day.

"I love you so much." I say trying to keep my tears from falling.

...

I finally get to Legal and get to my desk and legal is all a buzz. Some people look at me but I can't read their expressions. I get to my desk and see a beautiful floral arrangement waiting. I pick the card and read it. It's a hand written note from Christian.

_You are the most beautiful and strongest woman that I know. I love you. Thank you for bringing all the color and light into my once dark and grey world. You mean everything to me._

_Love,_

_Christian._

My heart is bursting right now. God. And he even used my favorite florist.

AS: THE FLOWERS ARE BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE YOU. SORRY FOR THE CAPS. BUT I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS RIGHT NOW.

CG: I love you baby, I'm glad you like them.

AS: You are definitely not sleeping alone tonight ;)

CG: I cover all my bases Miss Steele ;)

AS: Don't push it, Grey. Xo

...

"Well, well. Look what the cat dragged in." Jose walks over bristling with sarcasm and it makes me laugh.

"Hi Queen, how was your weekend?" I giggle.

"It was great.. Yours?" he wiggles his eyebrows, desperate for the scoop.

"It was lovely and I'm surprisingly not pregnant given how active I was." I quip and he laughs.

"You better not be. Ima seriously lose my shit."

"Yes, I will run my pregnancy timetable by you in the future." I roll my eyes.

"That's all I ask... oh and by the way, Val broke up with Bill. Thank God."

"Over Valentines Day weekend? Damn... that's harsh."

"Girl, it was a long time coming. He was so boring he made Phillip's grandmother sound like a stripper... and Grandma Tina has been a church going, black dress wearing widow for 15 years but hey... at least she got the Tulum trip out of it."

I almost fall off my chair at that.

Lunchtime rolls around and I'm nervous as fuck going to the 5th floor atrium. Jose took the temperature of the gossip pool and it's a bag of mixed reviews. I have 'Team, YAY for Ana and Christian'; 'Team we don't give a fuck' and 'Team Ana is a bitch for taking him away from us.'

I take a deep breath and walk in with Jose and Val. Everyone looks at us, oh for fucks sake this is like lunchroom at high school.

I start to hear the faint chant that grows louder. "cookies. Cookies. COOKIES. COOKIES." and I break out into a smile. Not all is lost.

...

**CPOV**

It's a little after 3pm when Welch and Taylor inform me they're are on their way up with the latest that they have about the Rothstein, Kapadia and Rahman situation.

Monitoring of the subs has not uncovered anything new except that Leila and Susannah are going about their days as usual. Again, nothing more to report outside of the deposits except the fact that Phoebe has not left the apartment since Tuesday of last week.

"Sir we are still digging to find the owners of Saphirars. It was registered anonymously. Hence the delay." I can see Welch is equally frustrated at this. He hates being met with a brick wall but he is determined.

"Of course it was." I snap back.

"The redhead who remained on the plane to New York, she disembarked and a private car registered to Rothstein Group picked her up and dropped her at Rothstein's apartment building. She has not left since Thursday afternoon. We've been trying to het someone into the building but security is tighter than Fort Knox."

"Fucking hell." This is beyond frustrating. I tell them about Ana's situation with Rothstein from 4 years ago and we discuss additional security parameters for Ana.

"The Kapadia jet is slated to fly out to Sydney on Wednesday night. The flight plan was given in this morning at Oakland." Taylor informs.

This is good. The fucker will be far away from Seattle.

"And Sir, there is one more thing. The call for this came in about 10 minutes ago." Welch says a little carefully.

"Well?"

"Elena Lincoln was found dead this afternoon."

* * *

**Authors Note: **the bitch is DEAD but what does this mean?

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out board for chapter 41-43:)

**Music:**

Burn That Broken Bed - Iron & Wine feat. Calexico

Diamonds & Pearls - Prince

Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley

Take On Me - a-ha


	44. Chapter 44

I know Elena's death seemed like it was out of the blue but there is a method to my madness and drama and it will all make sense eventually.

* * *

Chapter 44 – Ding-dong, the witch is dead

_Monday, February 17__th__, 2020_

_"And sir, there is one more thing. The call for this came in about 10 minutes ago." Welch says a little carefully._

_"Well?"_

_"Elena Lincoln was found dead this afternoon."_

The news hits me like a ton of bricks. Dead?

"How?"

"She was found unresponsive at her residence by her housekeeper."

I tell them I need more details and to keep track of the investigation. She's dead. Dead?

I feel... relief and anger but I have no time to dwell on this. I have a shit ton to do and then if I have a dinner with Ros to meet with a German tech company but before we can even talk about business, we have to fucking wine and dine them. We've made them an offer but they want to be courted. What the fuck. Just accept the damn deal or not... this shit has been on the books since November and I can't back out now.

...

The dinner was absolute torture as most of these things are. I know Ros kept giving me the look of "fucking pay attention" but I feel this dark cloud over me. I'm on my way home now to Ana. She told me she'd be in her room and to text her on my way back so she'd come down to bed but I don't want to be in my room. I want to be surrounded by her and her things and energy. I need peace right now and she's the source of it.

I walk to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of wine before heading up.

Her door is open and as I get closer, I hear her bubbly self, talking on the phone. She's talking to Aashu about wedding details as she works on her laptop, sitting on the couch by the window. Her hair is in a messy bun and she's wearing those panda pajamas that are hilarious with her oversized WSU t-shirt. She looks so young. The lights are dim and the room is bathed in a pink hue as I stand at the threshold of the room and watch her.

"Ugh, let me tell you baby cakes, that shit is not cute. Do not go for those. Tell your wedding planner to class it up." She groans.

"I know Aanapa... listen I sent you my Pinterest board, have a look and let me know? In fact maybe add some things. You know my colors so I trust you."

"Okay love, I can do that." She stretches her arms upwards and moves side to side and looks up and notices me at the door and gives me a big smile as Aashu tells her about something wedding related.

"Babe, I hate cut this short but my man just came home. Can we continue this tomorrow?"

They both laugh saying their goodbyes and Ana ends the phone call as I walk towards her. She holds her arms up to me.

"Come give me some sugar Mr. Grey. I'd get up but my leg is asleep." She laughs. I could get used to this.

I lean in and give her a kiss. And take off my jacket and sit next to her.

"Why didn't you text me, I would've met you downstairs."

"I wanted to spend time with you here." I say taking a sip of my wine.

"How was the dinner?"

"Boring as usual. I missed you."

"What's wrong Christian?"

"Nothing."

"Don't lie to me. There's something on your mind."

"What makes you think that?"

"You have a tell."

"What's my tell?"

"If I told you that then you'd learn how to hide it from me and we can't have that now can we?" she giggles.

"Do you always make such personal observations about people?" I smirk.

"Yes."

"You people watch a lot?"

"I used to. More like I had to but now it's like second nature, even though I try not to. I mean, when you're confined to a bed with nothing else to do and unable to move, you figure out ways to keep yourself occupied outside of daydreaming. I studied everyone around me. I watched them and it was good practice and I tend to notice small things that you wouldn't otherwise catch on to."

"You sound like a stalker." I chuckle.

"I'd like to think I'm being perceptive." She sasses.

I put my wine glass on the side table and lay my head back down looking at the ceiling.

She moves in closer to me and kisses the corner of my mouth. "What happened?"

"Elena is dead."

She sits up in surprise. "What? How? I mean..." she shakes her head. "I...I.. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not, she's dead but I don't know why I'm affected by it."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know where to even start. It just feels... I'm relieved but I'm also fucking angry." I feel the rage start to rise in me.

"Why angry?"

"Because... that's it? She just dies now? I know I gave her my share of the salons and told her to fuck off but... I don't know why her death now is affecting me so much. I should be fucking relieved, which I am because that means she's completely out of our lives but still... "

"She was a big part of your life Christian until recently and there's a history. No matter how fucked up..."

I close my eyes trying to channel some sense of peace and calm.

"I'm angry at her. I let her off too easy. I should've buried her but I just wanted her out."

"Did you ever confront her about what she did?"

"I did but it was no use. She was convinced that she did me a favor. She credits herself for my success and that you and I would never work out."

"Well, she was delusional." She giggles.

I chuckle. Elena was always a little delusional but then the reality of our entire history dawns on me again.

"She stole from me. She stole 15 years of my life from me and I let her. I let her control me and keep me in the dark. She turned me into a heartless monster who did fucked up shit and hid behind a lifestyle to feed an obsession that was cultivated by her."

"What do you mean?" She asks with her voice wavering.

"You're going to hate me for this." I choke on my words.

She holds my hand. "I'm not going anywhere, Christian. It's better that you get this out of your system instead of letting it consume you."

She's going to fucking hate me. I just got her back and she's going to fucking hate me again.

"Just as she got off on inflicting pain on me, so much fucking pain, Ana... I did the exact same to all those women. Sure I'd stop when they safe worded but I got off on inflicting the pain. I looked forward to it. Sub after sub, Elena would entice me with profiles of women who could take harsher punishments and who barely ever safe worded and I contracted them. She made me believe love was a weakness. It was useless and that I only needed a woman's submission to be satisfied. That happiness was an illusion. She was a cold hearted bitch and she conditioned me to be the same. She conditioned me to be alone and keep everyone at a distance. All the while she could have access to me whenever she wanted by helping me find submissives and reinforce her ideology on me." I finish, desperately trying to keep my calm, holding on to her hand for dear life.

"Christian, if you were really a heartless asshole then you would've just take, take and TAKE, which you didn't. Listen, I'm not going to sit here and say I understand the punishment aspect but again, consenting adults... and aside from the BDSM stuff, you did give, you helped them with school and bought them things they wanted and ensured their safety. That's not heartless. Elena did none of that shit for you. Sure she gave you the funds for GEH but you had to give that back and you've been supporting her when you really didn't need to."

"It was a business arrangement with those women. My intentions were fucked up."

"Okay, fine. A business arrangement but again, consenting adults with clearly laid out parameters. As far as the intentions go, those too were conditioned."

"I'm a heartless fuck Ana. I had no emotion about this shit. I was just obsessed with... I had this rage that I took out these women under the guise of consent. That's who I really am." I get up and cradle my face in my hands. How can I make her understand the depths of my depravity back then? The fucking darkness I relished.

"If that's true then why aren't you like that with me? If you were really a violent and dark person, then you would've been like that since childhood but you weren't. You loved Mia so much. You love your family so much and you would do anything to help and protect them. Yes, you've kept them at a distance but you were manipulated. If you didn't have a heart then why have you been so good to me, why are you so gentle with me?" She asks crying. "You've always had love in you. You just didn't know how to show it or receive it. You needed someone to talk to you and listen and Elena stole chance that from you. She manipulated you into thinking you didn't deserve that because she knew that if you did have that chance, you'd want to grow and then not need her anymore. This is how she kept you close.

Real love helps you, it makes you want to grow. Like how things grow in the light. Darkness keeps you in one place and that's what Elena did. She kept you trapped in this warped sense of self; that you didn't deserve love or all the things that people around you were finding for themselves...

Listen to me. All of this, all that you've created with GEH is beautiful and it may define you out there but after all is said and done, when you're home, what matters the most are the people in your life and how they see you and need you in theirs. Your mom and dad, they love and need their son. Mia and Elliot, they love and need their brother... and I love and need the man that I want by my side forever. All of this, the success, it's manufactured. It will come and go but what we all feel for you will always be there.

When people are on their deathbed and looking back on life, they don't think about all the money they could've made or spent. Their regrets are about not spending enough time with their family, not asking that girl out on a date, not telling someone they loved them... "

I take a deep breath, taking in the gravity of her words. Willing myself to accept the love she's giving me.

"Look at me." I lift my head and turn to her. Her face is tear stained. _Don't cry for me Ana. I'm not worth it._ She gets up and climbs on to me and holds me tight. Home. I'm home. I breathe in her scent and try to calm myself. She pulls away and looks me in the eye.

"In the end, she lost. I don't know if she had a family but chances are she didn't... but you're here now. You're home, with someone who loves you and wants you and a family who loves you and is always rooting for you. She probably never had that so she held on to you to feed her own delusions. She couldn't kill the love in you because it's in your nature to love. She may have nurtured you to be heartless but in the end, nature won over."

"She was alone when she died."

"See... and here you're surrounded by people who love you. People who believe in you and adore you. She tried and she failed... and in the end, nature sought it's own justice." She gives me a small kiss.

"Because of you. Because I found you."

"Christian, I came into the picture much later. You've always had all of this." She runs her hand through my hair.

"But I never understood it until you, I never saw it. It was right in front of my eyes and I kept pushing it away." I say with a heavy voice.

She pulls me in for a kiss and holds me tight. "I'll always love you, Christian and you'll never be alone, ever again."

I silently nod trying to not let the emotion of this moment get the best of me but my eyes burn with tears.

"As much as I hate her for what she did... I have a feeling I would've never found you unless I had gone through all of this."

"I don't believe that. If we are meant to be, which I know we are, we would've found each other even if you hadn't gone through this. Even if you were happy. Even if you owned a freaking hardware store."

I look down and try to calm myself some more.

"There's something interesting about how she died."

"What?"

"She was found in her home office on the floor. She died of a heart attack. And The Seattle Nooz article was up on her computer showing a picture of us at Seattle-Mason. She had been dead since Sunday morning."

Her eyes go wide. "Shut the fucking front door. You mean to tell me Imaginary Baby Grey killed Elena Lincoln? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? Like, our real babies could... North Korea better fucking watch out. That's all I'm gonna say." She throws her hands up .

I burst out laughing.

"What? I'm serious. Our imaginary child took out the bitch, imagine what our real babies could do." She says tries to say in complete seriousness but ends up laughing with me. It gives me hope when she talks about our future and says things like 'our babies'.

"We need to do something. Do we still have access to the roof?"

"Yeah, we do. Why?"

"Okay, follow me."

She grabs her coat and we head up to the roof. It's fucking cold but she's determined for us to do this. Whatever this is.

We stand in the middle of the helipad and she looks at me.

"Okay, we're going to yell this out into the universe. Okay?"

I'm so confused right now but I'm playing along.

"THE WICKED BITCH OF THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST IS DEADDDDD." She screams. "You're turn."

"Ana... are you serious?"

"As a heart attack." She laughs. "Just shut up and do it. This is our celebration. I know one shouldn't speak ill of the dead but she doesn't deserve that mercy. I'll scream it out with you." She holds my hand and winks. "Ready? On three; 1... 2... 3..."

"THE WICKED BITCH OF THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST IS DEAD." We both scream and I look back at her and she jumps up and down. That really did feel good.

"Now what?" I ask her.

"Now, we go and eat ice-cream and have some amazing celebratory sex." She wiggles her eyebrows and throws her arms around me and locks me in a deep kiss.

Here she is in her ridiculously adorable panda pajamas and messy hair in the insane cold trying to make me feel better. I fucking love this woman and she's agreed to be mine forever. I don't know what I did right in a past life but I'm never going to question her for me again. After my darkest revelations she still wants me.

She loves me and I love her.

...

"Before we eat, I wanted to show you something." I tell her as she takes off her coat and hangs it on the dining chair.

I take her hand and lead her up the stairs and we arrive at the Playroom door.

She looks up to me wide-eyed. "Christian... you... don..."

I open the door and we stand at the threshold looking in.

It's completely transformed. I had everything taken down and thrown out and new sheetrock, wood flooring and ceiling treatment installed. The big floor to ceiling windows that had been boarded up and hidden behind rich mahogany paneling were now completely free to let the gentle light of the city seep in and illuminate the room. The room looks even bigger than before.

She silently stares at it for a few moments and then slowly turns to me. Her beautiful blue sapphire eyes piercing through me. I can't tell what she's thinking. She walks away and heads down the stairs.

"Ana..."

She doesn't respond but quickly runs down the stairs. Shit.

To my surprise she runs to the kitchen and goes into the pantry. Odd. A minute later she walks out with a huge bag of chips, what looks like cookies of some kind and places them on the counter. She goes to the freezer and takes our two pints of ice-cream and gets two spoons.

She looks at me. "Well, are you going to help me carry this up or not?"

I'm a little stunned and silently nod and pick up the ice-creams and follow her up. She walks into the Playroom and takes a seat on the floor, indian style by the window. I take my place across from her.

She silently works on opening the snacks and once she peels the plastic off of the ice-cream she starts to eat straight from the pint. She takes a few spoonfuls, looking out the window before speaking.

"You know, minus the torture instruments, I thought this room was actually quite beautiful. The red and the dark stained wood... reminded me of red wine but now... it feels like this room is breathing again. You let the light in and now it's disinfected everything..."

I'm still taken a back from her reaction to all this. It's like whiplash. I was almost certain she was running but now, she's so calm and... accepting of all this.

"I guess." I murmur taking a spoonful of her ice-cream.

"Hey... at least ask before stealing me ice-cream. Go focus on your vanilla." She snaps and giggles.

I smirk. "Are you making me eat vanilla in here on purpose?"

"That wasn't my intention but when you put it that way, I suppose I am. Call it the cherry on top, given everything. Besides, this is the only vanilla you're going to get in this room, so eat up, Grey." We both laugh.

"What should we do with this room?" I ask.

She shrugs. "I think that has to be your decision."

"I want it to be our decision."

"I don't know. Whatever you decide."

"Ana, don't be like that."

"Christian, I honestly don't know what to say. I mean, this place kind of has everything. What possibly could this room be for? Another guest room I guess?"

I decide to table this for now. I'll ask her some other time.

She opens the box of cookies. They're dark chocolate cookies filled with a thin layer of an orange like jelly and they taste pretty amazing.

"These are great." I tell her.

"I know right? Karan got these for me once when I was living in SF. He's was like 'these are positively sinful darling, I'm sure you'll like them." She says in a British accent, rolling her eyes with exaggerated hand gestures as she laughs.

"You're good at that."

"What?"

"A British accent."

"Comes with the territory I guess, I mean, Nita has one... it's considerably softened now but also watching British movies, talking to Karan so often... you pick up on it, plus I got a lot of practice with Kiran when we'd play our stupid games when we went out shopping." She smirks and shakes her head.

"Have you spoken to her since everything?"

"No. I've been ignoring her calls and texts. She's on my shit list for the foreseeable future which means I should be expecting a call from Daniel any day now..."

"Will you take his call?"

"I will. None of this his fault but I'm not above giving him an earful if he tries to pleads Kiran's case."

"This I want to see." I chuckle.

She giggles. We eat in silence for a few moments.

"Did you think this was sustainable long-term?"

"What was?"

"This room, the lifestyle, Elena being in your life, keeping your family at a distance."

I swallow. "I was led to believe that. So yes."

"When did you start to feel the crack in everything? Flynn said you were having trouble with the lifestyle."

"I'd been struggling for a while. Since summer of 2018 actually... I was irritated all the time and none of this was really helping. I'd cancel the weekend arrangement on whim or I'd get bored during the weekend and dismiss the sub at the time. The last sub really got on my nerves... I terminated the contract towards the end of July last year... Flynn kept harping on about trying to meet someone conventionally, trying something new to hold my interest and I almost fired him as my therapist."

She giggles. "You don't mean that. You like, John."

"I tolerate him." I smirk.

"He's the only one aside from Ros who takes your money and calls you out on your shit."

"Technically, you joined that club too. Given the recent HR meeting."

"Oh yeah... I did, didn't I? I guess our little 'Call Grey out on his shit" club is growing." She laughs and I chuckle. "Where was the wicked bitch on all this, did you tell her you were struggling?"

"She was around. Trying to constantly get me to contract someone or offer herself... it was irritating as fuck. I had stopped confiding in her, I was talking to John more... he too never approved of her being in my life. Now when I look back, the shift was really gradual but I was trying to fight it given my confusion. I suppose she too started to feel that and really tried to control me but it was slipping and then we met and now we're here."

She nods and goes to take out a cookie.

"I'm really sorry, Ana."

"Why are you apologizing Christian?"

"Because, I was a cowardly piece of shit and I should've told you all of this the minute you came back from SF. You told me everything about yourself and I fucked it up and we lost time..."

She takes a deep breath. "Christian... yes, you should've told me on your own but... whatever happened, happened and now we're here. We're closer than before and we should just focus on looking forward. The evil bitch is dead and we can move on."

"If only Imaginary baby Grey could have killed two birds with one stone." I muse.

She laughs out loud and it echoes throughout the empty room. Almost as if it were cleansing it of the remnants of a dark past it been trapped in.

"Yeah, if only..." she says but it's with sadness.

"Do you think it's sustainable, running away and holding on to the family?"

She looks out the window and I see the sadness in her eyes. She closes her eyes for a few moments.

"No. It's never been sustainable." I see a tear fall. "I know what we went through is similar in terms of being taken advantage of and being manipulated but there are also fundamental differences. Elena was always in the periphery and yes you kept her in your life but you also had the luxury to walk away. She needed you more than you needed her ultimately. She needed to be associated to you to have a leg to stand on in this society. In the end, you had your family around you, you had a support system even if you didn't see it at the time. I don't have the luxury..." she takes a deep breath and rubs her face.

"With me, he's been an integral part of my life and even more so during my recovery. I have lived a lot of life with these people. I'm talking beyond recovery. Important life milestones, things you celebrate as a family, weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, family dinners, movie nights, late night ice-cream runs, the birth of a child..." she breaks down as she says the last part. "These are relationships I have always wanted in my life and the thought of losing them is jarring. I grew up without siblings, I was so lonely... I mean, yes, I ran away to Portland but I still held on because I had nothing else. I couldn't burden Kate anymore than I already had. As much as I didn't have big dreams anymore, I still wanted to be an editor and make something of myself in some small way... and now for the first time, I can see a life that is beyond them but still... it's going to take me time to say goodbye. I know I need to tell them all and I will. I just need time. If I fuck up now and he brings a lawsuit against me, it will colossally fuck things up for AHAK and KGI. I have nothing and I will be buried. I want to make sure Nita and Nani are at least taken care of after the will reading at the end of the 3rd quarter. This also affects Karan, Aashu and Rania and her family... I don't want to be heartless."

"Ana, if he brings a fucking lawsuit then I have the best legal team to fight back."

"Christian, I don't have ANY FUCKING PROOF OF WHAT HE DID TO ME." She roars at me, causing me to flinch slightly and shakes her head, as she buries it in her hands. "That alone makes me vulnerable... I am asking you to give me time till the 3rd quarter. This press leak is already helping me distance myself from Kiran... I can just use that to stop talking to her. I have thought about telling Aashu many times but now she's marrying into Akash's family so I have to be careful. Rania, I also have to be careful given her position in the company and relationship with them. It's really messy with the business in the mix. I'm trying to do right by everyone. I am asking for time. I know you hate this... but this situation isn't a fucking walk in the park for me either. "

"Ana, I don't want him coming after you anymore. He fucking hurt you and..." I feel the rage burn through again.

"He won't cause me bodily harm. He'll just play mind games now. That's what he's good at but as long as I stay faraway or only visit when he's not around then I'll be safe. It's only till the 3rd quarter. Which will be here before we know it."

"Ana, he can still come after you when the Will is read."

"You're right he can... but depending on what the Will reading reveals, I may just also choose not tell them at all and just cut ties completely without a real explanation. That's why I need this time. To mentally prepare myself to say my goodbyes if need be."

"You don't deserve this and you don't owe them jack shit Ana."

"I need you to let me do this on my own. This is my fight. Whatever you did to get rid of Elena was on your own terms. I know that my situation forced your hand but it had been a long time coming anyway. For you it was cutting just one person out of your life... for me, it's potentially losing out on so many people I grew up with and lived a life with. You have your family; Grace, Carrick, Elliot and Mia, your business... me? I have the house in Montesano. I could've gone back to all of that, it was the safer option but that's all I had..." she looks out the window again and wipes her face. "If Ray were alive, I'd maybe have more courage. He had a way of making me feel I could do anything..." she looks back to me. "Please give me time."

"I just don't want you hurt Ana. I can't bear to see you in any pain. Whether it be mental or physical... you don't deserve any of this."

"Christian, I've been living this reality for 4 years and let me tell you... all this shit he's doing now is to rile you up. This is his jealousy. At first he didn't really have a reason to come after me since I was alone but now, I'm in a serious relationship so he's going to try and up the ante."

"There has to be a way to get back at him, Ana. We have to do something... if he's done this to you, who knows who else he's done it to."

"Christian, do you play chess?"

"Yeah."

"Are you good at it?"

"I'm decent."

"Well, Vishaal is a genius at it. You don't think he's covered his tracks? You've kept so many aspects of your life hidden... you don't think he's done the same?" She's got a point. Fuck. I'm still going to have Welch dig deep and keep an eye on him and anything he does.

"He has to slip up at some point."

"Nature will seek it's own version of justice."

"You know, we could just get married to really stick it to him." I smirk,

"We could and give him a front row seat at the wedding. Too bad Elena is dead, I'd seat them together" I laugh out loud at that and she shakes her head while she giggles. "I'd rather have people who really love me at the wedding. I don't need that fake ass negative energy. After the 3rd quarter, I'll know who really is on my side, if anyone really is, besides Nani and Nita."

"You're going to make me wait that long to marry me?" I don't want to wait that fucking long.

"Well, I also need to go to therapy. There's still a lot I need to work on."

"Ana, we can be married and you can still go to therapy."

"I know, but I want to do this for myself. I want to get better and be stronger before I jump into a commitment like marriage."

I slowly nod. We get up and head down to the kitchen to drop off the snacks and get ready for bed. She doesn't say a word throughout.

We lie and bed and I pull her close to me, holding her tight, kissing her neck, telling her how much I love her.

"I hope I can one day feel the same relief you felt tonight." She whispers.

"I'm telling you, we should have a baby. That'll cause the fucker to keel over." I chuckle and she giggles.

"You really want to have a baby?"

"I want everything this life has to offer with you, Ana."

"I want the same with you. Only you."

* * *

**Authors Note: **What should the new or in this case old 'playroom' room be turned into?


	45. Chapter 45

How are you all doing?

* * *

Chapter 45 – Reverie

_Wednesday, February 19__th__, 2020_

**CPOV**

"This was all that you found?" I ask with frustration. I called up Welch and Taylor after I received a package from Elena Lincoln this morning. The package was tested by security to make sure it was safe and when we opened it, it was nothing but an envelope addressed to me. In addition, Welch has Elena's entire place searched for anything incriminating against me but they came up with nothing. God knows the amount of shit I have on her... I was certain she'd have something on me too... but nothing.

"Sir, no one else has been in our out of the house since the authorities left. We searched through everything. I had my best men go in."

All that was uncovered from the safe was $50,000 in cash, background checks on some submissives, a copy of the deed to her house, the contract for Esclava with me and two new contracts she had signed with a company called SARKAV Limited, LLC.

"How much longer till Esclava shuts down?"

"Sir, we checked in on that and all her debts have been paid off as of three weeks ago when she signed the contract with SARKAV. Esclava has enough funds to operate till the end of 2020."

"Who the fuck are these people?"

"Sir, an anonymously registered company but in Panama. They've been buying up small properties through out the Pacific Northwest, California, New York and Europe for the past 4 years. The most recent acquisition were the clubs previously known as Trinity and Box House right here in Seattle. They shut down about 3 months ago and Elena Lincoln's name is on the deed along with SARKARV. They recently got the go ahead and do major renovations and combine the two into one building."

"Who fucking owns this shit?"

"We are still working on that. In the meantime we've been keeping an eye on her lawyer to see what his next move is in regards to dealing with her affairs. We hacked into the law firms servers and found something rather interesting."

"Is interesting your new code word for shit is about to hit the fan?"

Welch tries to suppress a smile but quickly recovers. "Elena Lincoln has named Phoebe Richmond and Leila Williams the beneficiaries of her estate... whatever is left of it. She left them everything that has her name on it."

"WHAT THE FUCK? HOW DID WE MISS THIS?" I scream at them.

"Sir, we were only keeping the bare minimum tabs on her as per your orders. Nothing about her seemed suspect until recently when you asked us to monitor her movements in detail and even then nothing out of the ordinary took place. I've run background on her travel history for the past two years. She's been going to San Jose every month to meet with Phoebe Richmond and meeting her under a pseudonym of Alaina Grey. In the first week of January, she opened a bank account in Credit of America. The account maintains $500,000."

'Please tell me you're fucking with me?" You have got to be kidding me with this shit. "Welch, Taylor this is a MAJOR fuck up. Does this mean she's somehow behind the cash deposits to them? I need confirmation on that... we need to find out what the fuck is up with that. I do not want those two coming to Seattle."

"Sir, there's not much we can legally do to stop them from coming to Seattle. Miss Richmond wasn't in any state to sign legal documents at the time we admitted her to the San Jose facility to bar her from coming to Seattle and Miss Williams left of her own accord and has never broken the NDA as far as we know. Miss Blake is the only one who did and Sawyer made it clear to her that one step in the direction of Seattle and it's over.

Furthermore, while Miss Richmond did indeed break the terms of the NDA, approaching them again could mean stirring the hornets nest. I would suggest heavily surveillance on them both to ascertain what their next moves are." Taylor proposes.

Fuck, if they come to Seattle, I will have to tell Ana and that will not go down well. What the fuck are they playing at? What the fuck was Elena up to?

"Use one of our subsidiaries or aliases to purchase Esclava and burn that piece of shit to the ground. I want it scorched off the face of the earth. Her house... feel free to actually set that shit on fire." I say irritated.

"Sir... I want to confirm, do you actually want me to set her house on fire?" Welch asks carefully.

A part of me wants to laugh. Ana would definitely make a joke about this. "Yes. Start from the basement and let it grow." That house is the living embodiment of my past. I want it gone.

"With pleasure." He smiles with a smug face. It's no secret that everyone on my staff hated Elena Lincoln. Torching her house will be a small victory for them, though I suspect Taylor would given his right arm to watch her have the heart attack. I'm sure it took everything in him to not grin like a fool when Welch gave me the news of her death.

...

We're done with dinner and catching up about our workday when Ana sets off to gathers ingredients to make something. I remain seated on the barstool with my glass of wine and watch her work. She's so laser focused sometimes, it's entertaining to watch.

"Baby, what are you doing?" I ask her as she whisks a few eggs in a bowl.

"I'm doing the Macarena." She deadpans.

"Miss Steele, you know what they say about sarcasm."

"Yeah yeah... whatever. I'm making some stuff for my girls night tomorrow." She giggles.

"Why not tell Gail, she'll prepare things for you all to eat."

"Christian, the poor woman has got this humongous place to deal with and she cooks for us and the security team. I feel bad. I wanted to do this myself. I'm inviting my friends over for the first time, so I should be the one to make something. I was going to invite them to my apartment but now that's a no go... " she shrugs.

"What are you making?"

"Two kinds of quiches and the cheesecake pudding. Plus we'll have other store bought snacks and then they'll probably raid the wine cooler so yeah we should be good I think. Otherwise we'll order in."

"I'm guessing no boys allowed." I smirk taking a sip of my wine.

"No hetero boys allowed." She narrows her eyes at me and laughs.

We continue to talk a little more as she prepares everything and sets it in the fridge, that way she only has to set them to bake when she comes home tomorrow.

"Are you sure there isn't anything I can do to help?"

"And have you cut your finger, causing a bloodbath? No. Just sit there and look pretty and entertain me." She laughs.

"What piece is this? It sounds familiar." She's had classical music on this evening.

"It's the Debussy playlist I follow on spotify. This one is called... Reverie I think.. .hang on..." she taps her phone and check the song title. "Yep, Reverie."

"It's beautiful. I haven't heard it in a while."

"Same here. I really like it." She smiles.

I need to tell her about what I found out about Elena today. Fuck... why is this so hard. I don't want to give random pieces of information... it will freak her out and she doesn't deserve to be burdened any further. I take a deep breath.

"Baby, I wanted to run something by you" I try to say as calm as possible.

She stops cutting the strawberries and looks up and immediately puts the knife away.

"This is bad news right?"

"How do you know it's..."

"Your voice and face right now. You forget that I can read you very well Mr. Grey. The inflection in your voice, your facial expressions, I can tell when something is bothering you or I'm about to get bad news. So just hit me with it."

"I don't know if it's bad news yet it's just... a lot of revelations. I'm trying to make sense of it."

Her eyes grow a fraction wide and her face tenses as she takes a deep breath.

"Okay, tell me."

The distance between us bothers me. I stare at her for a moment and get up to get the letter Elena sent me... or in this case her lawyer must have sent me from my jacket. I put it on the kitchen counter and pass it towards her. It's a sealed envelope with a wax seal with her initials.

"A messenger service dropped off this letter from Elena Lincoln this morning at GEH."

"You didn't open it?"

"I didn't want to. You can open it."

"But it's yours. She left it for you."

I shrug.

She stares at it for a few moments and takes it and rips it open. She reads the letter and rolls her eyes and laughs.

"The letter only has two lines. _I made you. I will always be in your life. _I know I said she was a wicked bitch but after this letter... she was also a crazy ass bitch. She's trying to mess with you Christian." She shakes her head.

I feel the anger rise in me as I close my eyes to try and control my temper. I feel her hand on mine, while the other runs through my hair. She kisses my temple. "Christian, she's just trying to mess with you. She's not here. She can't do anything."

I take a few more deep breaths. "There's more."

"Okay, tell me."

"It's doesn't make sense right now but she left whatever was left of her estate to two of my former subs. Leila Williams and Phoebe Richmond."

"Why them?"

"I don't know, and when I gifted her my share of the salons, she signed a contract with a company called SARKAV Limited and they paid off her debts. She also is listed on the deed with SARKAV for the purchase of two clubs that recently closed down. They just got the go ahead to gut renovation. She left her house to Leila and Phoebe as well."

"SARKAV sounds Russian. You think she was planning something against you?"

"I don't know, but her leaving her remaining assets to both of them doesn't make any sense."

"Where are they now?"

"San Jose."

"What do you want to do?"

"I'm trying to find out who is behind SARKAV but it's an anonymous company registered in Panama."

"If it doesn't make sense then you have to wait a bit. Have Welch monitor the company's activities and the two subs. I mean it's such a waste of resources if it turns out to be nothing but if it gives you peace of mind then so be it, besides... if you try something right now... it's like shooting in the dark. Wait a bit and see how things materialize. You said it yourself, none of this makes sense... watch them and make an informed decision to make a move." She says simply.

"I just don't want anything to happen to you. If they're the beneficiaries to her estate that means they will be coming to Seattle."

"Okay, let them come to Seattle. Christian, you can't let fear of something happening to me influence your decision making... take a step back and really look at everything. You have to be patient and intentional."

"I don't want you to get hurt."

"I won't. I'm sure Taylor and Welch will keep an eye on them and it's not like I live a public life. I'll be fine."

I crush her in a hug. "I can't stand the idea of anything happening to you Ana."

She hugs me tight. "I'm fine Christian. You said it yourself, Escala is secure, so is GEH... I'll be fine... besides stop worrying or we'll have to go toe to toe with Jose to buy all the La Mer to prevent those worry lines."

I laugh. She always knows how to lighten the mood. She gives me a deep kiss. "I love you, Mr. Grey."

"I love you Miss Steele."

"Want to see a magic trick?"

"Sure."

She takes my hand and we walk around the counter to pick up the letter. She turns on the stove and lights it on fire and throws it in the sink.

"Ta daaaaa" she laughs and I chuckle.

"How are you so calm about this?" I ask as I lift her up onto the counter and l look into her eyes.

She shrugs. "I have two options. I can either freak out or calmly look at everything. I'm choosing to be calm. Besides, I have now have practice of learning how to quickly adapt to supremely uncomfortable situations. If there is indeed something against you and you make a move right now... the injunction will only be short term. Watch them quietly, let them think they're in control. You've got a top notch security team and enough money to deal with this... just quietly watch everything." She shrugs.

"I've never seen this side of you... it's a little..."

"Scary?" She raises an eyebrow.

"I was going to say sexy." I chuckle.

She snorts. "Treat it like a game Christian. Strategize. Focus on the bigger picture. Right now there are too many moving parts. Let the subs lead you to the final piece of the puzzle." She says.

"I told Welch to set her house on fire."

She looks to me with eyes wide trying to not smile but fails. "YOU DID NOT..." she giggles.

"I did. That place is an ugly reminder of everything."

"I know this is really bad... but any way we could get a front row seat to that train wreck? I'll bring snacks for everyone" She wiggles her eyebrows. "And we sing, the wicked bitch of the pacific northwest is dead, lalalala" she sings like a child and laughs.

I laugh and lean into her neck to kiss it. "I think we need to stay away from this particular crime scene."

"Dammit. This is no fun at all." She whines.

I kiss her and bite her lip. "Let's take a bath, I'm sure there are some fun things we can do there." She laughs and I carry her to the bedroom.

* * *

_Thursday, February 20__th__, 2020_

**APOV**

Christian has been on edge since Monday evening. It's led to a lot of sex and I know that it's his coping mechanism but if all this Elena shit ends up giving him a coronary I will go to the deepest pits of hell to drag her fucking soul to the surface to kill her again. He maybe a 30 year old multi-billionaire on the outside but on the inside, he's still battling between being the 4 year old boy and the 15 year old teenager. It will take him time, just like it will take me time to grow too the lonely teenager from high school and then recovery. He keeps looking at me with the look of "I need to protect you" and I am trying to be as cooperative even though I am dying to just go out for a walk or I don't know... walk to the nearest the Starbucks and inhale a Caramel Frappuccino... I also need to figure out a way to go to Pilates for private lessons without being hounded by the press. They're still going strong outside of GEH. The requests continue to pour in. Harpers Bazaar also listed me as a 'one to watch' for their best dressed list. Jose is obviously over the moon and has come up with various scenarios where I can be 'seen'. He is way too obsessed with this.

I meet Jose and Val in the lobby for us to go into the garage and head home with Sawyer and Prescott.

Prescott is my new CPO and well... let's just say this is nut that will never crack. I immediately recognized her because I remember clocking her a few times when Christian and I were on break but I didn't bring it up. Her job was to make sure I was safe and I can't hold that against either of them. Prescott prefers not to talk to her charges. This makes it rather awkward for me to talk to Sawyer if I ever have to ride with them alone. Truth be told, Prescott scares me. She's a woman in her mid thirties I think, gorgeous hair and skin but a permanent RBF which I get, I have the same problem too. I've been told many a time that I should smile more, to which I always reply with a _fuck-off_ scowl. I tried to get to know her and she gave me very basic answers about herself. Her mom is from Guyana and her father is African American. She grew up in Boston and did not take to kindly to my wicked smart joke. All in all, I'm determined to break her. Maybe a batch of cookies will help. Sawyer gave me a smirk and wished me luck on my latest quest for adding another person to Team Ana.

"Jose, I have a new CPO in addition to Luke. Her name is Belinda Prescott. She's very... well, just don't fuck with her and don't pester Luke in front of her either."

"BELINDA?" Jose gasps as we get to the door to head into the garade.

"Yes. Shut the fuck up. There she is. Be nice." I angry whisper as we approach the vehicle.

"Hi Prescott, these are my friends Jose Rodriguez and Valerie Clarke, they will be coming back to Escala with me."

She nods in understanding. "Mr. Rodriguez and Ms. Clarke, good to meet you."

"Girl, please. Just call me Jose." Jose smiles his winning smile and Prescott looks at him impassively.

"I prefer Mr. Rodriguez." Prescott holds the door open and Jose dejectedly gets in while Val and I giggle at the shutdown.

"You were right." Jose whispers. "But I'm a stubborn motherfucker. I never give up."

I groan and roll my eyes. This could be fun though.

"Hey Luke, how ya been?" Jose asks animatedly.

"I've been well Mr. Rodriguez." I can sense Luke's smile.

"Oh god, not you too. I'm going to need so much wine now." Jose rubs his temples.

We walk into Escala and Jose and Valerie almost have heart attacks at the sheer size of everything. Christian's penthouse is about 3 times bigger than Ros' apartment. I tell Jose and Val to feel free and look around but that the bedroom and study are off limits. Not that Christian said anything about it but I know it's the two places he frequents a lot and I want to protect that.

The sounds of Jose shrieking and gasping along with Val's giggling and cackling travel through as they tour the place. Once they make it back to the kitchen I have a bottle of wine and glasses waiting for them to indulge themselves. I've put the quiches in the oven and have prepared our little snacks to feast on.

"Girl, TRAP HIS ASS FAST." Jose pleads as he inhales his wine. "OH HOLY FUCK, this shit is good. Yep. Moving in. Serving Phillip divorce papers tomorrow. Yas boo."

"Jose, you're such a fucking hoe." Val laughs.

"Shut the fuck up." He snaps.

"Val, how are you doing? Is Bill still texting you?" I ask.

"Oh god. Yes. He's playing the puppy dog card and I'm this close to blocking him."

"Is he really that boring?"

"Ana, I know I seem like the quiet shy type but that's only because I'm not that keen on talking but when it comes to a guy... I've dated complete dickheads in the name of amazing sex so when I met Bill, he was a nice guy but the sex was so fucking boring. God. Girl, I mean... I once fell asleep during... He won't really try new stuff. Missionary gets pretty fucking boring after 5 minutes. I want to be... for fucks sake throw me against the wall and make me scream. If I'd stayed with him any longer, I would've cheated and I didn't want to be that woman so I ended it. He's a sweet guy but he's just really stuck in his ways and not open to new things. Heck this Tulum trip was my idea. I pretty much dragged him. I want to date a complete freak." Val huffs in frustration. Maybe BDSM would be her scene...

"Val... that's like the most you've said... ever outside of us joking." I look back in amazement.

"Yeah well, that's what happens when you haven't had decent sex."

"You should hire an escort." Jose calmly suggests.

"I'm not above paying for sex right now. Even Benjamin isn't cutting it."

"Who the fuck is Benjamin?" I look at her confused and Jose laughs out loud.

"My vibrator. I named it Benjamin because it gets me to 100 and Benjamin is on the $100 bill. It made sense in my head at the time... but yeah, whatever."

"Oh." I am terrified and loving this side of Valerie Clarke right now.

"What about someone at GEH?" I ask.

"Been there done that... they're all assholes with big mouths and small dicks."

"If only Luke wasn't gay, I muse."

"Heck, at this point, I'd still take him." Val says with a sigh.

"Give me your phone and open up tinder, let's get you laid." Jose holds his hand out expectedly.

Valerie Elizabeth Clarke. 28. Junior executive on the GEH Merger and Acquisitions team. My new nickname for her now is Silent but Deadly. She comes off as the shy and sweetheart type but she can cut a bitch quicker than you can say 'what?'. Growing up she had a hard time in high school with being bullied and overweight. We bonded on that. She had to learn how to really love the skin. Once she lost all the weigh in college and worked to keep it off, she started to find the confidence to shine. She only has a handful of friends at GEH and Jose and I are the closest. She's drop dead gorgeous and I know many of the guys in GEH wouldn't mind tapping that but my girl here has got standards with a side of freak. She stands tall at 5'8" without heels and is always dressed immaculately. When I first saw her I thought she belonged on the pages of Vogue. She could honestly outshine Jourdan Dunn with that mix of Puerto Rican and Jamaican goodness. She's always been a woman of few words but I think the combined efforts of Jose and I have finally worn her down.

Kate and Mia show up and Jose and Val immediately hit off and now Jose has two more hags to add to his Royal Court of Rodriguez. I love this. My little group is growing. We talk about everything under the sun and fuck we are loud. Our voices echo through the apartment and I thank God Christian isn't here. I know he said he'd be fine with all this but that man has enjoyed his solitude for far too long, I need to ease him into this part of my life.

We head up to my room and I quickly change into my pajamas while everyone gets comfortable. We all take our designated spots in the room; some on the bed, some lie on the floor and take the couch. All in all, things are going swimmingly and my heart is a happy.

**CPOV**

This afternoon I had lunch with mom and dad. This has never happened, I've had lunch with them separately during the week on occasion but this was rather an unexpected occurrence. It has Ana written all over it but I don't mind given that I no longer have anything to hide from them. I met them at the Mile High Club and we actually talked. They wanted to know how I was doing given Elena's death even though I had separately spoken to all of them on the phone after the news became public... they still wanted to check in. I was honest about my feelings and it strangely felt good to share that. Mom squeezed my hand and kept telling me how proud she was of me. Dad smiled in agreement. I really never had much of a relationship with them but this felt good. Ana was right.. they do love me. Not that I ever doubted it but it's rewarding to see all of this in a new light. My sessions with Flynn are better now because of her.

Since it's girls night at the apartment, I texted Elliot to ask him if we could hangout. He jumped at the chance and now I'm on my way to meet him at a place called _Fifty's_. I find the name amusing.

"What up bro? How are we gonna celebrate?" Elliot pulls me in for a hug and I take a seat across from him in the booth.

"A glass of Cristal would've been good but I'll settle for beer." I smirk.

"There's my asshole brother." Elliot laughs. "So... how are you holding up?"

"I'm good. I was pissed that bitch died so easy but now she's out of my life so I can focus on Ana and my future."

"How did she take it?"

"She took it well... she made us go to the helipad and scream out 'the wicked bitch of the pacific northwest is dead'"

"Seriously? Can we all do that as a family one of these days when we visit Escala?" Elliot laughs.

I chuckle. "Ana would love that."

We talk so more over bar food and drinks about his plans for the proposal and how the business is going. I'm planning to tap him for any of the Lot 43 developments once we lock in the deal which is taking for fucking ever to close. It's the most sought after piece of real estate in Seattle right now and dealing with it has been a bitch.

Once we're done, we head to Escala. I text Ana we're on our way back but I don't hear from her. I tell Elliot we can watch some TV or hookup the playstation to kill time till girl's night is officially over.

"No bro. We have to eavesdrop on their conversation."

"Elliot, what are we? 15?"

"Trust me, girl talk is fucking hilarious. I've overhead Kate and Ana talking millions of times... that shit is a whole other world."

"You always were a nosy son of a bitch." I agree with him hearing Ana talk is hilarious sometimes.

"Can't help it. I need to know shit. Helps with my boredom." He shrugs. He almost sounds like Ana at this point.

We get to Escala and Elliot makes a beeline to the kitchen and looks over the food that's been left over. He starts sampling all the shit and nodding his head in appreciation.

"Dorothy, you have got to get her to marry you ASAP."

"You just ate a shit load of food at fifty's, Lelliot."

"So? That was 30 minutes ago. I'm hungry again." He says, while shoving another piece of quiche into his big mouth.

After his little sampling of the food, he grabs another beer and I pour myself a glass of wine and we head up the Ana's room. The door is left slightly ajar and we hear music playing and hear roaring laughter echoing from the bathroom but before that I notice a sign on the door and it makes me chuckle. The sign reads.

"_no hetero boys allowed."_

I tiptoe behind Elliot into the room and we listen as everyone talks.

"...LISTEN TO ME... if I hear that she's made another snide ass comment about me, I swear to god Jose, I will cut the bitch so fucking deep that her dead grandma will come back to life and die again because of it." Ana says in all seriousness. Elliot and I look at each other trying to suppress laughter. My girl is hilarious and fucking terrifying sometimes.

"I'd be inclined to be believe your ass only if you weren't wearing those impotency causing panda pajamas." Jose yells at Ana and Everyone laughs.

"Listen to me you hair losing, catty homo... leave my pajamas alone." Ana bites back and the laughter continues.

Much to Elliot's disapproval, I knock on the bathroom door and walk in with Elliot and everyone freezes but then laughs. They all have shit on their faces. Kate and Jose are lying fully clothed in an empty tub drinking champagne. Mia's sitting on a stool while Val and Ana are sitting on the double sink counter, indian style. It's hilarious.

"HI BOYS!" Ana says cheerily.

"Hi girls." I reply back chuckling. "So why are you all in the bathroom?"

'Because the best conversations have in the girls bathroom."

"Is that so?" I ask.

"Yeah, why else do you think we always go to the ladies room in groups and take forever to come out?" It's because of this." She gestures to everyone.

Before I can make proper introductions, Jose speaks.

"Hold up and back up...who is THAT?" Jose points in our direction towards Elliot.

Kate tips her head back, smiles and winks at Elliot. "That is my man, Elliot Samuel Grey. The oldest of the Grey Siblings.

"Oooh snap, Kavanagh, look atchu girl... solid trap."

We all laugh. Elliot thoroughly enjoys the objectification.

"What is on your face?" I ask Ana and she laughs out loud.

"It's called a face mask, look it up, Grey." She peels it off and sticks her tongue out.

"So did you guys talk about how amazing we are?" Elliot teases.

"No. We didn't. We had more pressing issues to discuss." Ana deadpans.

"Why you gotta always burst my bubble?"

"Just keeping you in your place. Not everything is about you." She shrugs and laughs.

"SILENCIO hags. I have a far more urgent matter to discuss." Jose interrupts with disdain. We all look at him intently as he continues. "Saturday night, Secret Garden... they're having a throwback karaoke night. We HAVE to go. I already reserved us a booth."

All the girls cheer but Ana looks to me. "Security needs to do a run through." I tell them.

"Calm your tits, Grey... The gays will love her, ain't not bitch paparazzi coming after her at the Secret Garden. I know the owner... he's a sweetheart." Jose says matter of factly while sipping on champagne.

Everyone's eyes go wide and Elliot bursts out laughing.

"What? Blame it on the booze. By the way, this shit is GOOD." He says taking another sip.

I snort. "Mr. Rodriguez, I'm glad you approve of the liquor I stock."

"Please, call me Jose. After all, I am laying in your luxurious tub, chugging down some of this fine ass wine. Surely, we can be on a first name basis."

Everyone laughs. "Fine Jose, make yourself at home."

"Thank you, but I already have. I've already picked my room and I brought my suitcase."

"Sorry honey, I tried to keep him out." Ana laughs, looking in my direction and I roll my eyes.

"So is this an all girl affair?" Elliot asks.

"Heteros are allowed too but Karaoke nights always mean you either have to wear a wig and/or glitter makeup. It's a theme." Ana tells him.

"Count me in." Elliot laughs. I look at him. He looks back at me and smirks. "I'm always down for a good party and besides I'm comfortable enough with my manhood to wear some glitter to spend time with my girl." He raises an eyebrow challenging me like the fucking asshole he is. I roll my eyes.

"Elliot... stop harassing my man." Ana warns.

"Just telling him to live a little." He shrugs

* * *

_Saturday, February 22nd, 2020_

**CPOV**

I walk back in to the apartment from a grueling session with Claude when the sight of Elliot sitting on a dining room chair getting his makeup done by Ana and Kate makes me laugh my ass off.

"Shut the fuck up Dorothy." Elliot yells.

"I'm sorry but watching you get this shit done is hilarious."

Ana looks back at me and narrows her eyes. She looks hot, wearing a green sequins dress with glittery green eye makeup and a pink wig, I feel an erection coming on just the though of what we could possibly do with all this. Kate is in a black wig with goth makeup, clearly living out some residual teenage angst. When they're done with Elliot is looks like a Bowie knock off with silver shit on his face to match with Kate. I'd say his balls were in a vice like grip but the fact that he's willingly subjecting himself to this is still hilarious.

I walk back into the bedroom to shower and change and hear the clacking of heels behind me.

"We're heading out. I wanted to say bye." Ana says with a pout.

"Already?" I try to hide my surprise. It's only 7:30

"Yeah, we're a little late and Jose will kill us. He wants to make sure we all eat before we, well all of them, drink like fish and possibly get shit faced. Plus it's better to go before the crowds pour in and settle in."

"Alright. Be safe and keep Prescott and Sawyer close."

She rolls her eyes. "You know I will. Stop worrying."

"Can't help it."

"Well, please try not to worry. It's not like I'll be alone." She kisses the corner of my mouth.

"I know. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too. A lot."

"You look beautiful."

She snorts. "I look like I walked through a carwash full of glitter but I'll take the compliment."

I kiss her soundly swaying with her a bit to the music playing over the great room sound system.

_Every time you move  
You're looking like you're dancing  
I think that you could have it  
(Ooh-ooh)  
Everything you do  
I want to do it with you  
Don't ever want to miss you_

"You're making it difficult for me to leave Mr. Grey." She says against my lips.

"Don't leave then. Shower with me and let me have my way with you." I bite lip and she moans.

"Christian, you don't play fair."

I grind into her. "Only because it's more fun this way. I can't wait to fuck you when you come back."

"You're such a romantic." She giggles, kissing me again and I slap her ass before she turns to walk out.

**APOV**

I asked Sawyer and Prescott to dress like normal human beings to not attract too much attention to us and that way none of Carmela's spies could clock me though Elliot could easily be recognized so I guess my picture could end up on the Nooz regardless. Fucking fuck. I really didn't think this through. Oh well, whatever.

We approach the SUV in the garage and I see Prescott in a dress and actually dressed up for a night out on the town. Holy shit, Belinda Prescott is a looking like babe and half.

"PRESCOTT!" I gasp.

"Yes ma'am." She looks at me confused.

"GIRL. YOU LOOK LICENSED TO KILL! I APPROVE." I wiggle my eyes and finally, FINALLY she breaks out into a shy smile. "YES! I broke you. Don't worry, I won't bother you anymore." I wink at her and she rolls her eyes along with Sawyer who shakes his head and heads to the drivers seat as we laugh and get in and head out.

The Secret Garden is my favorite place in Seattle. I've only been once and that was after the wedding when Christian and I got together. I've wanted to come back ever since and even though I miss him like crazy right now, I'm still so happy my friends are getting along and can be here today. This place is like an opulent burlesque club which it actually is some days of the week and the other nights they rotate between drag shows, karaoke throwback nights and then nights for just dancing. The food is great and I'm sure the drinks are too though, I've never really had anything besides water. Sometimes I wish I could let go and liquor up with my friends. The thought of not being in the slightest bit of control makes me panic. Yes, I can adapt to an uncomfortable situation really quickly but I don't know how I would be with the presence of liquor in my system. I'm still trying to remember things from that night and Akash's flashbacks are the closest I've got to in 4 years and even then... it's not enough.

We walk in and the smell of sandalwood seeps through the air. It'll be short lived till the crowds really pack it in. The dark ambience and the red hues instantly put you in the mood and keep you there. Mia is already with Jose, Phillip and Val at our reserved booth as we approach them. We eat, sing and dance and cheer on with the crowds as people take the stage. It's all in good fun. The thing about theme nights at the Secret Garden is that at one point, all the tables get pushed to the side and the dance floor opens. There are rarely ever any hetero men who show up so it's be known to be a fairly safe place for women.

We all take turns and have a blast singing everything from Cher to Mariah to Celine. Jose does a mean "Believe" by Cher performance. He's a natural standing up on that stage with his purple locks as the crowd cheers him on. Him and Phillip are nothing alike but they adore each other. He puts up with Jose's antics and they both really take care of each other. It's a lot like Christian and I's relationship. My mind drifts to him. The minute the thought of him comes to mind, I'm a wet mess. I send him a quick text to tell him how much I miss him because I do. _Now who's the lovesick puppy Ana?_

Elliot is the most surprising tonight while him and Kate do an excellent rendition of 'my hips don't lie'. And the entire club went wild for them. Of course they did, they're fucking beautiful.

"Can we come back on a burlesque night?" I ask Jose.

"We definitely can... they always put on a good show. Who knows maybe you could learn a thing or two to trap his ass." Jose cackles and I roll my eyes.

At this point, the performances are done with. Kate and Elliot are lost on the dance floor. I'd tell them that this isn't their bedroom but it wouldn't matter. Jose, Val, Mia and I join them and we get lost from song to song. The DJ's here always make it a point to give Queen Bey her due credit.

_Stack my money fast and go (fast, fast, go)  
Fast like my Lambo (skrrt, skrrt, skrrt)  
Jumpin' off the stage, ho (jumpin', jumpin', hey, hey)  
Crowd better savor (crowd goin' ape, hey)  
I can't believe we made it (this is what we made, made)  
This is what we're thankful for (this is what we thank, thank)  
I can't believe we made it (this a different angle)  
Have you ever seen the crowd goin' apeshit? (Offset!)_

As I dance, my eyes catch the sight of a woman. She's standing sipping on her drink and watching me intently. She's hot. Damn, I've never been checked out by a woman... I mean, I think she's checking me out. She gives me a small smile and winks as she turns around. Well, I am in a gay club...

All that water is finally getting to me and it's time to pee. Thank god this place has reasonably clean bathrooms. Apparently the owner who Jose is now good friends with is a germaphobe, in which case owning a club seems counterintuitive but it makes him a shit ton of a money and he keeps the bathroom's smelling and looking fresh so whatever. I stand in line with Prescott standing across from me to keep watch. She too is familiar with my hand signals to help out should need be. I look through my phone and reply to Christian's text making fun my selfie with Elliot. Ass.

"Hey..." a soft voice catches my attention.

I look up and it's the girl from the bar. She's wearing a red bandage dress with the same color wig to match. Her skin is lily white like mine and her eyes are grey. She's really is hot but suddenly I'm on edge. She could be a Nooz plant or maybe I'm just insecure. Time to channel Sapphire from London.

"Hi" I reply back.

"So, are you with that black girl?"

"What do you mean, am I with her?"

"Is she your girlfriend?"

"She's a girlfriend yes but not in the romantic sense."

"You're not from around here." She asks cocking her head to the side.

"No, just visiting friends."

"Well, if you're in town for a while, I'd love to meet for dinner."

"I actually have a boyfriend."

"Ah... I see. Well, I guess all the beautiful ones are always taken."

I shrug and smile. I feel uneasy. Her eyes are almost boring into me as she twirls locks of her hair around her finger. It's a little menacing but I don't want to alert Prescott and have her break this girls face over a random hunch.

"What's your name?" I ask.

"Peony. Yours?"

Who the fuck names their kid that? I mean... I guess it's cute. No. I don't know. Maybe it's a nickname.

"Sapphire."

"Mysterious." She says seductively.

"I suppose so." I give her a small smile. I'm now closer to the door and begging for the girl inside to be done already. I really need to pee and get the fuck out of here.

**CPOV**

It's around 1am when I get the text from Sawyer that they're on their way back to Escala. I finish reading a report and hop on a call Walid, the head of M&A in our Abu Dhabi office. We go over the financials for one of the struggling companies we acquired and discuss a game plan to help it recover. I pinch the bridge of my nose as we go back and forth on the possible options when I sense Ana. I look back and she's standing the threshold of the study. She gives me a smile and I motion for her to come over.

"Khalid, run the numbers again and give me your two best scenarios and I'll let you know what Ros and I decide."

"Of course Mr. Grey. Will have to you by the end of today."

"Shukran. I'll see you in a few months."

"Yes sir."

He hangs up.

"Talking to the Abu Dhabi office?" She asks, leaning against the desk near me.

"Yeah, just going over everything and getting an update. One of the companies we acquired is struggling."

"I like the name Khalid. It's one of my favorites."

"Do you know what it means?"

"I think it means eternal. I've always thought it was a regal name for a guy."

"Interesting. So tell me, how was your night?"

"It was fun. We all danced and were silly. Though I'm sure you got reports every hour on the hour."

"True, but I want to hear it from you. Sawyer isn't as colorful with his descriptions."

She laughs. "I mean he could be but he's dealing with you so he keeps it profesh ya know."

"Profesh?"

"Yeah."

I stand up and kiss her. "Why do you taste like peanut butter?"

"Well, when I first came in, you were engrossed in your conversation and I was feeling a little hungry so I made myself a quick peanut butter and jelly sandwich." She giggles. "You want one, I can make it?"

"No baby, I'm good."

She wraps her arms around my neck. "I really missed you. I couldn't stop thinking about you?"

"Is that so? What did you think about?"

She tiptoes and speaks against my lips. "Lots of things that made me very wet."

"I can take care of that, if you'd like."

"I would love." She giggles.

I take off her wig and unpin her hair and run my hands through it.

"There's my girl." I smile and kiss her deeply as she moans into my mouth and on cue, I'm hard as a rock and ready to go.

I move the shit on my table to the side and lift her dress around her hips and lay her on it.

I kneel down but she calls out to me. "No... just... I want you inside of now... please..."

"We aim to please Miss Steele."

I free my erection and rub it against her sopping wet clit and she moans arching her body. I slam into her and she screams. I pull out slowly and slam hard into her and establish rhythm; fucking her slow and hard. Within a minute she begins to tremble and comes loudly... she's not even halfway through her orgasm when I lift one of her legs and anchor it on my shoulder, bend down and start to pound into her, angling her to hit the spot.

"Fuckkk... this feel so... " she moans.

"Deep... I know baby. Just feel me." I say with clenched teeth as I focus on getting to the finish line. I'm almost fucking there. I feel her start to tighten around me again and pretty soon we both yell out our release. I fall onto her and suck on her breasts as she runs her hand through my hair catching her breath.

"Baby... I need to have sex with you a minimum of 4 times a day. Twice a day doesn't cut it."

She giggles. "You perv. There are people in the world who barely get to have sex twice a week."

"I don't fucking care about others. I care about us. I need you a minimum of 4 times a day."

She snorts. "Sounds like you're only concerned with your needs."

"Well right now, I was pretty concerned with your needs."

She laughs and I bite down on her hard. "Let's get you cleaned up my little freak."

I stand up and offer my hand to help her up.

"You know, I'm kinda in the zone here. I could literally fall asleep on this table." She giggles and then takes my hand. I help her up and throw her over my shoulder causing her to squeal and giggle again.

I walk through the apartment and she can't stop laughing. "You're such a caveman Grey."

"I suppose I am." I slaps her ass.

She lightly slaps mine with both her hands like she's playing the fucking congos. "You've got a spankable tushy Mr. Grey."

"Did you just call my ass a spankable tushy?"

"Yeah." She giggles.

I arrive at the ensuite bath and sit her on the counter and get her makeup wipes to help her clean her makeup. She sits in front of me with her eyes closed and tells me all about the night.

"Are you sure you didn't drink anything. You're swaying and having a bit of trouble speaking." I ask.

"Not a single drop of alcohol. I'm just tired and a little bit delirious... two things happen when I'm delirious, I'm either a silent but raging bitch on the verge of crying... or I'm in lalalala land." She sings.

"Are you in lala land?" I ask laughing.

"YEP." She giggles.

Once I'm done clearing her face I give her a kiss. "There's the girl I fell in love with."

"You didn't like the girl I was with all the makeup?"

"I did but that girl reminded me of Poison Ivy."

"From batman? She's my favorite. I loved Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy. She was the shit. In fact she is the shit. She's so beautiful and regal and... yeah I think I should change my stripper name to Poison Ivy." She muses and gets off the counter.

"I'm sorry, did you just say stripper name?"

She silently nods and finishes washing her face and holds up her finger while she starts to brush her teeth. Once she's done, she goes and changes into one of my t-shirts. Fuck, she looks really good in them. I want more of her. I follow her into bed and hold her close to me.

"Yeah, my stripper name... Every girl has a stripper name. It's a thing."

'What is your stripper name?"

"Sapphire. Duh. I mean... nothing else made sense."

I laugh out loud.

"So tell me more about Sapphire."

"Wouldn't you like to know you grade A perv." She giggles and starts to speak in a British accent. "Well Sapphire is from London and rarely ever visits."

"I would love to meet her."

"Of course you would." She sasses back in her normal accent.

"I'm glad you had fun."

"I wish you could've been there. I missed you a lot but it helped that Val and Mia were there too so we danced together."

"Maybe next time I'll join, sans the glitter though."

"But glitter is so much fun." She whines.

"No fucking way, Anastasia." I growl and bite her neck making her laugh.

"By the way, I got checked out by a girl today. It was quite the ego boost."

"This I have got to hear." I chuckle.

"Shut up. Okay listen... I was dancing with the girls and I clocked this woman looking at me and I thought maybe she's looking for someone but she winked at me and then when I was in line for the bathroom she came and struck up a conversation with me but I immediately thought she may be a Nooz spy or something so Sapphire from London made an appearance. This girl legit asked me out on a date. Can you imagine? Never would I have thought that in a span of 4 months would I get a boyfriend and be hit on by a hot girl. Don't worry, I let her down easy since I'm such a nice girl." She giggles.

"Where the fuck was Prescott?" I try to rein in my temper.

"Oh calm your tits, Prescott was right there and it was just a regular conversation. Prescott and I have an understanding that the minute I feel uncomfortable I signal her and she can intervene but it was fine. It was like a 2 minute conversation."

"Who was she, what did she look like?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" she wiggles her eyebrows. "She was taller than me... I mean I'm so fucking short..."

"You're not short baby. You're fun size."

"Did you just call me fun size?"

"Yeah." I laugh.

She puts her hand over my mouth. "You. Are. Interrupting. Story. Time." She half growls and half laughs.

"I'm sorry baby." I chuckle and kiss her.

"Anyway... so yeah, she was a Val's height I think. Fiery red hair, definitely a wig, short red dress... she was dressed to kill fo sho. She said her name was Peony... which, who the fuck names their kid that? So she definitely gave me her stripper name too."

We both laugh and she continues to tell me about Jose and Elliot's antics till she yawns and falls asleep in my arms while talking. I look at her, she really is fun size and full of life. I'm tempted to kiss her all over and wake her up again but that would be a dick move, so I settle for giving her one last kiss and hold her close against my chest.

I look out the window and wait for sleep to find me. I close my eyes and just as I feel I'm about to drift off, my eyes open wide.

_FLASHBACK_

_Thursday, August 6__th__, 2015_

"_Miss Richmond, is there anything else you would like amended in the contract?" _

_Her eyes remain downcast. "Sir, I would liked to be called by my middle name."_

"_Peony?" A fucking flower. Really?_

"_Yes sir."_

"_Any particular reason why?_

"_Everyone calls me that."_

"_Well I am not everyone. After we sign this contract, I will be your Dominant and I do not care for nicknames. I will address you either Miss Richmond or by your first name which, trust me, will be rare unless you please me."_

"_As you wish, Sir."_

"_You may leave."_

"_Thank you, Sir."_

_END FLASHBACK._

FUCK. She's in Seattle.

* * *

**Authors Note:**What's your stripper name? I'm still working on mine.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out board for chapter 45:)

**Music:**

Reverie – Claude Debussy, Alain Planes

Floating (feat. Khalid) – Alina Baraz

Hips Don't Lie (feat. Wyclef Jean) – Shakira & Wyclef Jean

Believe - Cher

APESHIT – The Carters


	46. Chapter 46

Holy Moly CANNOLI YOU GUYS. Over 1000 reviews. How does that even happen. Shit. I mean.. all have blessed me with so much love. I AM NOT WORTHY *ugly cries*

**vamomoftwins:** You were my 1000th review. I wish I could give you a prize or something. Till then, here's a virtual hug from the east coast.

This is a bit of filler chapter. Still there will be sweet moments and little nuggets here and there for future chapters.

I got a PM asking recently how to pronounce the word Bhai which means brother. It's pronounced as Bhye, like saying byee but adding an h after the b

* * *

Chapter 46 – Wonder Woman.

_Sunday, February 23__rd__, 2020_

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_**CARMELA ON TOP FOR THE SEATTLE NOOZ**_

_Sunday Morning, rain is faillin' and my, my, do I have some news for you._

_A certain caramel bite was so kind as to share a secret from the Secret Garden from last night. _

_It appears our new IT girl was seen partying it up in wigs and glitter with her friends for throwback Karaoke Night and it appears she has quite the voice and the moves to match. Is that how she captured the attention of our resident Prince Charming? It would seem so. Remember the pictures of her dancing at Daniel Wetherington's wedding published on Vogue? Check out the link here._

_Unfortunately, our Prince was nowhere to be seen. I wonder why? Possible trouble in paradise? Another thing to note was that Miss Steele only drank water the entire night. Could we take this as confirmation that we indeed will have Baby Grey arriving in a few months? Oh I really hope so._

_If you have any pictures and videos to share, be sure to send them my way. I'll update this article as I go._

_May the rest of your Sunday be as sweet as caramel._

_Send me your delicious thoughts._

_Love & Caramel,_

_Carmela on Top._

_Image_001: Anastasia Steele pictured with Elliot Grey, Katherine Kavanagh, Mia Grey and friends._

_Video_001: Anastasia Steele singing Dreamlover with Mia Grey and friend._

_Video_002: Anastasia Steele dancing with Mia Grey, Elliot Grey, Katherine Kavanagh and friends._

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**CPOV**

"Please enlighten me to how the fuck this happened?" I am seething but trying to keep my temper at bay. "Taylor you and Welch told me that Richmond has not left her fucking apartment since last Tuesday then how the fuck was she in Seattle last night. Care to explain that fuck up?"

"Sir, the only people in and out of that apartment building on a consistent basis have been Miss Blake and Miss Williams." Welch's throaty voice booms from the speakerphone.

"Security at the club let us go through their tapes. This woman avoided the cameras and left right after her interaction with Miss Steele and an unmarked SUV picked her up." Taylor shares.

"Sir, from the photo you showed me of Miss Richmond, that is not the woman who approached Miss Steele last night. The woman who approached her had significantly different facial features."

I rub my forehead. What the fuck is going on?

"Whoever this woman was could've fucking harmed her and you just stood there doing nothing." I scream at her. "You're done. I want you..."

"That was because I asked her not to." I hear Ana's calm and collected voice at the threshold of the study. Her face is tense and her eyes are piercing into me as she walks over to take a seat by my table. "Prescott, Sawyer and I have an understanding that I can alert them via hand signal if I ever feel uncomfortable and last night the woman who approached me seemed harmless, though I'm now finding out there's more to this riveting story." She raises an eyebrow.

I swallow and try to hold her gaze. She turns away from me and looks at Taylor. "Let me guess, this changes things again? My routine is to only go back and forth from GEH and Escala for the foreseeable future?" She asks trying her best to hide her wavering voice.

"Miss Steele, I'm afraid given the current circumstances we need to temporarily keep you in this routine."

"Well, please add the Seattle-Mason NICU to my itinerary. I got my volunteer schedule this past week and I would like to spend a few evenings there after work. I'm sure if you reached out to their security team would be more than willing to accommodate your requests."

Taylor gives me a look trying to figure out how to respond. He's a smart man who knows who really wears the pants in this relationship. I nod and he turns to speak back to Ana.

"Miss Steele, we will liaise with Seattle-Mason and let you know what the plan will be going forward."

"Thank you, I appreciate that. Could you please give Mr. Grey and I a moment to discuss some things?"

"Yes ma'am." Taylor, Prescott and Sawyer turn and walk out of the study.

"Ana..."

"No. You will only answer my questions from here on out." She barks at me. "Why the fuck did you think that was Phoebe Richmond?"

"Because her middle name is Peony."

"Show me her file."

I pull out her file and hand it to Ana and she looks through it. "This is not the woman who approached me last night. She... wait..." She shakes her head and takes her phone out to take a picture of Phoebe's headshot and does something on her phone. She takes a few minutes and I see her facial expression change in what seems like recognition. She looks up to me and shows me a picture. "This was the woman who approached me. She had lip fillers and wore grey contacts and she heavily contoured her face in addition to wearing a wig. The lighting was dim and she looks much thinner in this picture that you have of her on file. The woman I met had curves. She essentially kylie jenner'd herself."

I look at her for a few moments. "How did you do that?"

"Facetune? Everyone does it." she rolls her eyes. "How long have you been watching them?"

"Since Phoebe was released from the rehabilitation facility we admitted her to. We started surveillance about two weeks ago."

"What does that mean?"

Fuck. This is not going to go well. "Phoebe was my sub in 2015. It didn't last more than a month because she turned out to be bat shit crazy. After I terminated my contract, she wormed her way into Mia's life through her gym visits and almost attacked her after striking a friendship with her under a false name and altered appearance. I told Mia she was just a stalker and disgruntled employee. It really did a number on Mia which is why she doesn't give out her real name anymore and told you her name was Grayson when you all first met. We had her admitted for therapy and rehabilitation program, it was supposed to be for a year but she ended up staying there for three."

_FLASHBACK_

_Thursday, September 17th, 2015_

"_Christian darling, Phoebe seemed perfect for you. No hard limits, gorgeous face, great body and endurance. What went wrong?"_

"_She kept leaving fucking peonies around the apartment. She kept trying to have a conversation and annoying the fuck out of me. Elena, I'm sick of this shit. I need a sub that's not completely bat shit crazy. You really need to fine tune your vetting process."_

_Elena throws her head back and laughs like the witch he can be. "She got a rise out of you, surely you like that. She does love a good punishment."_

"_Not when it annoys the fuck out of me." I growl._

"_Are you sure because she'd take you back in a second." Elena purrs._

"_Fuck no. Keep her away from me, Elena."_

"_Suit yourself. I happen to think she's the perfect submissive." She picks up her glass to inhale the Cristal she's happily drinking on my dime as always._

"_Then you can keep her for yourself. You have two weeks to find me a new one and she better be good."_

_END FLASHBACK_

She rubs her face and cradles her head in her hands. "And you paid for this? Great, so now I have to worry about but now possibly two crazy ex-subs? I mean... at this point we have to wait and see what Leila is going to do right?"

"I won't let it get to that."

"Oh really? Cause little Miss Peony had not fucking problem last night."

"Yeah, well Welch and Prescott dropped the fucking ball on that."

"No she didn't and you will not fire her. She did her job just as she was supposed to. Prescott, Sawyer and I have an understanding that should I ever feel threatened, I will signal them and they will be there. Otherwise, they are to remain a minimum of 4-6 feet away from me, as to not draw attention."

"Ana, that is unacceptable."

"Listen to me Christian, I am really trying my best to cooperate and I run everything by you and Taylor. I am fucking stuck indoors all the fucking time. Last night was a fluke. It was not Prescott's fault. Admit it even you didn't recognize the picture I just showed you of the woman I met last night. There is no fucking way Prescott could have known and again, it was literally a two minute conversation in a line waiting to go to the bathroom. What's next, you'll have Prescott accompany inside the fucking bathroom stall?"

"If that's what it takes to keep you safe then yes. She will."

"NO. She won't. Call them back in here." She barks at me again.

They all walk back in after a few minutes and Ana shows Prescott the photoshopped picture of Pheobe and Prescott says that it's very similar to the woman she saw last night. I confirm with her that she still has a job and dismiss them for the day.

Taylor stays behind while we have another call with Welch but Ana excuses herself and walks out. I can tell how frustrated and unhappy she is with this entire situation and there is nothing I can do right now to fix it.

Taylor, Welch and I go back and forth for an hour discussing options and various security measures to keep a better eye on Phoebe and Leila. If the red hair is any indication then she's somehow working with Vishaal but I need proof and the fact that he too has unlimited resources only makes this fucking harder.

After I'm done, I walk out the study and go into the kitchen. I'm fucking starving and I wonder if Ana is making breakfast. She's not. I go up to find her in room. There's some music playing and I see her on the floor by the couch near the window working on a puzzle.

_Bet all that gold gets heavy, weighin' on her  
I wonder if it's scary, always tryin' not to get hurt_

_I know how it feels, it ain't easy  
There's a reason why you only see it in the movies_

_'Cause, baby, I ain't Wonder Woman  
I don't know how to lasso the truth out of you  
Don't you know I'm only human?  
And if I let you down, I don't mean to  
All I need's a place to land  
I don't need a Superman to win my lovin'_

I get closer and sit next to her and fuck me it's a 1000 piece puzzle. I check the box cover and it's a puzzle of Archibald Motley's Nightlife. It's beautiful and I've never heard of the artist before.

"Need any help?"

"No thank you." She says simply.

"I've never heard of this artist."

She shrugs. "His work is beautiful. You should look it up sometime."

"I didn't know you were into puzzles."

"There's a lot you don't know about me. Ray got me on to puzzles to keep me occupied. Helped with the loneliness and then eventually with my recovery." I her face is tense and she's trying her best to concentrate but I'm a stubborn asshole and I want to her voice even if she's pissed at me.

"Is that also by him?" I ask pointing to the stack of framed prints on the floor by her bedside table.

"Yeah, it's called Gettin' Religion but there didn't have a puzzle version of it so I settled on this one called Nightlife."

"You can hang up some of the art you like downstairs if you want."

"I think there's enough art around the apartment already. Besides we have different tastes." She continues on separating pieces and trying to solve the puzzle as she goes.

"You don't like my taste in art?" I ask amused.

She shrugs. "I'm ambivalent about it."

"You either like it or you don't." I challenge.

"Well, it doesn't make me feel anything or remind me of anything so I guess, I'm just unaffected by it."

"I see... what does this piece remind you of?"

She scoffs. "It reminds me of last night, of being with my friends and for once not thinking about the shit that has consumed my life for the past 4 years."

"Look, I know this is hard for you..."

She looks at me. "No Christian, you don't. You can try and imagine but you can't. So you know what, it's fine. I've accepted the parameters that Taylor gave me. I'm not making a fuss, I'm not fighting back. I've just accepted it. You don't have to come over here and try and make me feel better. I'm fine. I've accepted it." She turns back to work on the puzzle.

This is annoying. "Stop acting like a petulant child, Anastasia."

She looks at me with murderous eyes and raises her voice slightly. "Keep your annoyance to yourself Christian. A petulant child, screams and throws a tantrum and slams doors. I am doing none of that. I told you I have accepted this as my new normal even though I fucking hate it because it's a repeat of my life in San Francisco. I know that this has been your normal for years. Just work and coming back here but it's never been mine. I was committed to living a full life, as much as I could so when all this shit gets taken away from me, well, I think considering everything I've been through, I'm being pretty fucking easy to deal with."

I try and change track. "You haven't had breakfast."

"When I'm hungry, I'll eat something."

I'm about to speak when her phone rings and I see it's Scooter. She takes a deep breath and answers, setting it to speaker.

"Hey Dani Bhai." She says a little solemnly.

"Hey Aana... are you free to talk?"

"Yeah sure, what's up?

"I've been meaning to call you but I've been Europe for the past week and I got back home last night... I wanted to check in on you."

"How are you?"

"I'm good. What about you?"

"Oh I'm peachy. My life is pretty fantastic." She says with animated sarcasm.

I hear Scooter take a deep breath. "I was hoping we could talk."

"I know what you want to talk about and the answer is no."

"Aana, just hear her out."

"Why Daniel? What could that possibly achieve or change?"

"She feels really bad."

"Oh really, does she? Is she trapped indoors? Is her life completely turned upside down? Did she have to leave her apartment and move to someplace new? Is the status of her uterus constantly in question? Is her every move watched?"

I hear Daniel sigh in frustration.

"Listen, she's really sorry."

"Yeah, well that doesn't do jack shit for me. Daniel, she is so fucking careless with this shit. She may be a shark in the business world but she is a fucking novice when it comes to personal shit. There was a reason why Nana wanted AHAK to remain behind the scenes. It was because every one of us could live our lives in peace and be able to walk around with freedom. I know KGI lives for the press but not me. I never grew up with the wealth and trappings it comes with. You know this... we've talked about it. You yourself are extremely private... "

"I know, I know... I wish this could be easier on you."

"Daniel, this conversation is going to go in circles. Do you remember when you, Kiran and I talked when you guys were on your honeymoon? Kiran had asked me when we were going to go public."

"Yeah I remember. You said you wanted privacy to get to know Christian before the entire world found out because they would be ruthless."

"Well?"

"I'm sorry Aana."

"Why are you apologizing? This is all on Kiran. She fucked up and there is nothing that she can do that will in any way make this okay or better for me..." she buries her face in her hands and sobs. "It... it fucking hurts Daniel. The rumor mill at work is a bitch, the snide comments online, tearing me apart, reducing me to an accessory and judging everything I do... I never knew anything about the coverage surrounding my accident. That whole miracle survivor shit... I found that out for the first time in front of Christian and his COO at work. Do you know how fucking embarrassing and heartbreaking that was? My whole fucking life, my most vulnerable moment is now entertainment."

Fuck. She didn't even know.

"Shit. I didn't know about that."

"Yeah, well that makes the two of us. Daniel, I adore you and love you... but please do not ask me to talk to Kiran and tell her to stop fucking texting and calling me. Tell her to stop involving other members of the family to run interference. Tell her to leave me the fuck alone for a while. I am already dealing with too much shit. She's always been so fucking careless and this was the last straw. I've let a lot of shit go in the past because I would let it just roll off but now, every time I'm hit with a setback thanks to the press, I am just reminded of how Kiran put her social ambition above my peace of mind. All she had to do was sort through some pictures and make sure that pictures of Christian and I together were not included. That's al. It was simple. Heck, if she had asked me, I would've made selections for her. After all, I planned that entire fucking wedding, what was one more thing?"

"I know and you planned everything to perfection. I'm sorry. I'll let you go. I'll talk to Kiran and let her know to back off. Are you going to SF soon?"

"Yeah, I spoke to Nani this morning. I'm going next weekend."

"We were planning on visiting next week too."

"Okay. I'll guess I'll see you then."

"You'll be okay?

"Do I have a choice?"

"Listen, call me whenever you want to talk okay?"

"Yeah, thanks Dani Bhai. Take care of yourself."

"I will, bye Aana."

Scooter hangs up and she wipes her face and gets back to the puzzle. The music automatically comes back on. She works intently, her tears keep falling and I don't know what to say to comfort her. She's constantly met with disappointment and I am unable to provide her with comfort like she does for me.

_I don't wanna be your girl no more  
No more  
I just wanna see your face at home  
Home_

_You can't do me right  
So I decide that_

_I don't wanna be your girl no more  
No more  
I just wanna see you up and out  
Out of the door_

_I'm not living right  
So I decide that_

_I don't wanna be your girl no more  
No more_

_I won't hide the ways I've tried  
It's just not right  
It's killing me tonight_

"You really didn't know about the press coverage around your accident." I ask carefully.

"No, I didn't. When Ros came in that day, that was the first I heard about it."

"Why they didn't tell you?"

She looks at me, her face all red and eyes puffy. "Would you have told Mia or Elliot if they had been through something like that?"

I look down. She's right. I would've done everything to keep them away from that.

"When Nani had told me about Carla wanting to go to the press during her first visit after my accident, I just assumed that she would probably play the "billionaires have kidnapped my daughter" angle but I realized while watching the press clip that day that she wanted to probably sell my story. When I asked Nita about it earlier this week she tried to protect Carla, she's always tried to get me to see the good in her for some reason... anyway, she finally admitted to it when I told her that I had finally told Carla to fuck off."

"I'm sorry, Ana."

She shrugs. "It is what it is."

"Why didn't you tell me about Kiran?"

"There was nothing to tell. She's being fucking clingy. She's gotten every single one of our cousins and parents to call me and plead her case."

"Sounds like she really is sorry."

"That very well may be the case but I know she's also freaking out because she thinks I'll probably tell her deepest darkest secrets in retaliation because she's never experienced this side of me."

"What do you have on her?"

"Let's just say, I could blow up her marriage if I wanted to." she says with gritted teeth.

"What the fuck? Are you serious?" This part of her is really fucking terrifying.

She looks at me and raises an eyebrow. "I know a lot of shit about a lot of people in that family. There is a reason why I relate to Greg in Succession. Everyone thinks I'm harmless, but the shit I know... Kiran has been really fucking careless in the past. I'm just going to leave it at that."

"Tell me Ana."

"Christian, it's not my secret to tell. I may know a lot of shit, but I would never hold it over anyone."

"I think you should. Information is power."

"And power can lead to corruption that can destroy lives. It's different when it's fun and games and I'm teasing my friends and family but when it comes to serious life consequences... I don't fuck around with that. I don't need any more bad karma coming at me. I've been through enough shit and am still going through it."

"What about next weekend when you run into her at house?"

"I'll be civil but that's all I'll be. Do you still want to join me? Because Rania wants us to have dinner with her on Saturday night and then there's the family brunch on Sunday. If not, let me know so I can book my tickets."

"No, I want to come with you and even if I wasn't coming with you there's no way you're flying commercial given the fucking press."

"We're killing the planet."

"I think we're doing pretty well on the carbon footprint front given how we're always indoors and barely go anywhere." I smirk.

"Are you trying to tell me there's a silver lining to all this?" She narrows her eyes at me.

I chuckle. "Just trying to cheer you up, baby." She rolls her eyes at me. "It's almost 11, can we go eat breakfast?" Please say yes, i'm fucking starving.

"Are you making breakfast for us?"

"Umm, no. I can order some."

"You know, you could be close to the perfect boyfriend if only you could cook." She starts to get up from the floor.

"Close to perfect? Miss Steele, you wound me."

"Good. You need a dose of reality every now and then." She walks off and I follow her like a lovesick puppy.

...

"This was amazing."

Ana made us strawberry cream cheese filled French toast with toasted almonds in syrup.

"You know, you really need to learn how to cook. I mean... I'd like to be treated to breakfast in bed one day."

"I can totally take care of breakfast in bed, baby." I smirk and she smacks my arm.

"That's not what I meant you perv." She says trying not to giggle. I pull her in and pepper her with kisses on her lips and neck.

"Let me goooo." She whines, laughing.

"I wanted to kiss the chef."

"You're full of it."

"Yet, you still love me."

She rolls her eyes and sips on her tea.

"You're not really into American food, I've noticed."

"No, I'm into it but I think I prefer more eastern foods. I'm guessing you like more American and European foods right?"

"Yeah, it's what I grew up with. Was Ray a good cook?"

"He was decent when he didn't burn it. Carla was useless. Ray was more so into breakfast food and was great at it along with Italian food. Anything else... he was abysmal. When he married Nita... she totally turned our world around. I mean Montesano wasn't exactly worldly but Nita would make Indian, Pakistani and Mediterranean food... we had a routine, we'd order in one day. Ray would cook two days and Nita would cook two days and the rest we'd eat leftovers. When I was older then I'd make food too."

"What's your favorite cuisine?"

"It depends on the day. These days I miss indian and Pakistani food a lot but I'll have it next weekend so I'll get my fix. There's still a lot I haven't explored. What about you?"

"Well, I mostly have only eaten American food or French food because mom liked cooking it. When I travel, I try to eat the local food but I'm usually too busy and just order room service unless we're treated out to a business dinner."

"Do you like Greek food?"

"I've had it here and there on occasion."

"Have you ever had Saganaki?"

"Can't say I have."

She grabs my arms and shakes it. "CHRISTIAN! YOU. ARE. MISSING. OUT!"

I laugh. "It appears so. What is it?"

"It's fried cheese and some restaurants will serve it with lemons and fig jam and oh my god it is a heart attack waiting to happen but SO GOOD!"

"We should go sometime." I give her a kiss.

Her face immediately falls and she turns to pick up the dishes. "Yeah, sometime."

"Ana, I'll pick these up."

"No, it's fine. Once I'm done with these, I think I'm going to nap for a bit before I have to make brownies for tonight."

She's shutting down. She makes quick work of putting the dishes in the dishwasher and then goes up to her room.

I find her in her room under the covers with her back towards the door. I climb in behind her and hold her tight.

"Baby."

"Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Ana, it won't last forever."

"I'm never going to be able to freely be myself out there. I'll always have to think that maybe someone is watching me or taking my picture. Even last night, under all that makeup and hair, I was still found out. They posted pictures and videos of me just having fun with my friends. I just started to grow my life and find my friends and now I can't even enjoy my life with them without endangering their lives." Her voice cracks.

She's right. I can't possibly or fully understand this because I never had this appetite for life. I craved the privacy and being alone. She lost out on 5 years of her life and when she finally started to blossom again... all this shit happened. It's the one thing I can't give her. I can't give her freedom. All this money and all she wants, is the simple things. I pull her in closer to me and kiss her temple, cheek and neck. I can feel her crying but she doesn't make a sound. After a while she starts to speak.

"Jose is very happy he got his picture posted on the Nooz."

"Of course he is." I chuckle.

"This is the only scenario in which he's happy being the supporting character in the story."

"He did look fabulous."

She laughs out loud and I kiss her neck. "Now that, he would definitely get tattooed on his forehead."

"I saw the video of you singing. It was beautiful. You looked so full of life."

"I chose that song because I missed Ray and Nita. Dreamlover is one of Nita's favorite songs, plus it really can get a crowd going... when they got married and she started living with us, she introduced me to all the music she liked and that particular Mariah Carey album she loved and would play it while making lunch on the weekends. Actually hold on, I have this really embarrassing video of us both dancind and acting out the song. I of course look like a duck having a seizure." We both laugh and she reaches for her phone and goes through her archive to look for the video and plays it.

"I was 11 here and clearly giving the Pillsbury dough boy a run for his money..."

The video is of Nita and Ana in the kitchen acting out the song while holding spoons and singing into them like mics. Ana looks fucking adorable as she laughs and throws her arms up and around with all sass. I hear Ray's laughter from the camera. At one point Ana takes the camera and films Ray and Nita dancing together, when they kiss Ana gags and turns the camera and speaks into the it, rolling her eyes. "Ignore mama and dad, they really know how to ruin a moment with their smooching. Don't worry I'll protect you from that stuff. I promise. Aanapa's got your back!" She winks into the camera and turns it around to Ray and Nita laughing while still dancing.

"You were so adorable, look at those cheeks. Who were you talking to?"

"This was when Nita had first gotten pregnant, I asked to make videos, memories... I wanted to share them with my brother or sister when they grew up, to show them how we were."

"That's really sweet." It's fucking heartbreaking.

"Yeah, I guess." She says wiping her eyes.

Like a freight train, it dawns on me how fucking lucky I've been. Grace saved me from a shitty situation but I couldn't get over myself and sought out another shitty situation while the woman I'm so madly in love with wanted all of it and made the most of every situation no matter how fucked up it was even if it came at a great personal expense.

"I never really appreciated Elliot and Mia while I was growing up. At least not as much as I should've." I say feeling the burning lump in my throat.

"You still have them, it's not too late. You'll always have that bond." She says in a small voice.

"You would've been an amazing older sister."

"I guess I'll never know."

"I saw how you were with you younger cousins at the wedding and how you are with Aashu, how you are with Mia... you show them a lot of love, almost like a mother even."

I look at her and she's just looking at the ceiling and blinking, trying to keep the tears at bay. After a while she just shrugs.

"Can we talk about something else?" she asks.

"We can talk about whatever you want." I pull her close to me. She doesn't say anything for a while. I just feel her breathe. I run my hand up and down her back, playing with her hair at times.

"I should warn you that both Kapadia siblings will there when we visit next weekend, especially for the Sunday brunch. Friday it will just be us with Nita and Nani and maybe Rania and Aria if she takes a half-day from work."

"I suppose there's no real way to avoid those two."

"He'll be on his best behavior as long as Nani is around and now that she knows she'll make sure nothing gets out of hand. Please promise me you will remain calm no matter what. Daniel will be there so you won't entirely be outnumbered."

"I'll try. Will they be around for our dinner with Rania and her family?"

"No. They won't. That's a dinner for just us at her apartment. Kiran has a tendency of taking over shit and can't hold her liquor for shit so Rania wanted it to just be us to get to know you in relative peace."

"Okay. Will you tell her? You mentioned wanting to tell her."

She takes a deep breath. "It depends. Now that Kiran will be there, it might be difficult. I have to see how it all goes. Rania can be a bit of hothead, if she decides that she believes me then she could very easily confront him and I don't want that. Not yet at least."

"I hope you can tell her." _That way you have another person on your team and we can push for an internal investigation on the fucker._

"We'll see. By the way, I guess the goes without saying that my family is really affectionate and I know it can be a bit much so I've told them to be... gentle with their welcome hugs and stuff. I didn't tell them why... I just said we should ease you into everything. I blamed it on the culture difference. So everyone will be on their best behavior... I can't promise about Aria though, she's a baby but I'll keep her with me as much as I can."

I kiss her forehead. "I appreciate that, I think I should be fine and as far as kids go, well, I've never been exposed to them outside of Mia so I don't really know how I'll react."

"I know... Aria is very affectionate once she gets to know you but chances are she'll just remain in my lap."

"Are you excited to see them?"

"Yeah... fair warning, I'll probably be a crying mess so don't judge. I get very emotional whenever I see Nani and Nita after a long time."

"It's okay, you love them, and you missed them."

"Yeah... have you ever watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding?"

"No, what the hell is that?"

"I guess it's a good thing we're stuck up here. You're such a pop culture novice. I have much to teach you before I take you out into the wilderness." She giggles.

"Go ahead Miss Steele, 'bless me' as you say."

"Look at you, picking up on the Steele lingo."

"Can't help it, you've brainwashed me."

She picks up the remote and turns on the TV to go through the movie selections and presses play.

"Don't worry, this is just a very small window into what my family could be like if they wanted to. In the end, all immigrant families are the same, loud, touchy-feely, hearts full of love and bellies full of food."

"In that case, I'll brace myself for impact." I laugh.

"Don't worry, I'll protect you." She giggles before she pulls me down and kisses me soundly.

* * *

**Authors Note**:I wanted to give them a bit of a sweet moment after all that drama from last night and then this morning. Literally NO ONE shared their stripper name. I am crushed. Just kidding. I'm still rewriting the next two chapters... but Christian will officially meet the family in boyfriend capacity... let's see what happens!

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

**Music:**

Wonder Woman – Kacey Musgraves

Don't Wanna Be Your Girl – Wet

Dreamlover – Mariah Carey.


	47. Chapter 47

To the new reviewers. HIIIII! I love hearing from you. Thank you for taking the time out to not only ready but write your thoughts.

**Gowildcats**: your review had me in stitches. Also, Astro Fife what a unique stripper name. If I follow the same method, mine would be Cookie Sunset. Doesn't get any more stripper than that.

**ml2ej1**:Tasty Kakez I am DEAD. Love your stripper name!

**vamomoftwins**: I see you kitty kat! haha, love it!

**bandrocks**: damn, angelsiren. so mysterious... also, your comments make me el oh el. thank you for following along.

**Kinkaustav**: I sent you a PM. thank you for your lovely review, much love!

Day 1 of meeting the family. This was a gentle introduction to how Ana usually spends time with her family when it's just a few people, very reminiscent of Chapter 12. The next chapter is still being worked on but I promise it will be interesting.

Apa - means older sister.

Khala - means maternal aunt.

* * *

Chapter 47 – Family is Family, Part I.

_Friday, February 28__th__, 2020_

**APOV**

This entire week leading up to my trip to SF I've had a nagging feeling. I tried my best to keep myself busy. I started training with Sawyer on the evenings I wasn't at the NICU. As a result my time with Christian has been limited. I've needed time away from him. Even personally, I've needed time away from him. I feel horrible but as much as I love him, I feel like I'm starting to lose myself again. We've had sex maybe 4 times this week... I haven't really been able to reciprocate. Not that I've ever denied him outside of being on my period but he's picked up on my being in a funk.

My first session at the Seattle-Mason NICU was emotional. While I didn't cry as I cuddled with little baby Adam, I told him about my day, I rocked him and walked back and forth sometimes singing or humming or sometimes telling him about how beautiful the sky was today... but then on the way back home I was a mess. His screams haunted me that night.

Training with Sawyer was challenging. I did eat the mat and more than that, it was difficult getting my body to cooperate against the fear. I'd become completely frozen and Sawyer would have to help me snap out of it. My strength and agility is not what it used to be. I haven't been to Pilates in almost two weeks and I'm now feeling the withdrawal of that. I've been trying to manage my stress to keep my hip pain at bay and drinking a shit ton of water which is causing me to pee like a god damn horse. Not cute at all.

It's Friday morning and I'm gathering the last of my things before we head out to Sea-Tac. I'm trying to get into the right frame of mind. This is the first time I'm bringing a guy home. Even though everyone knows and already loves him well almost everyone, I'm still nervous. Dementor will be there, for some reason my patience is really wearing thin; I'm just praying that all goes smoothly. I know I will be much safer this time around but still... the nerves are there. I suppose as long as he's connected to my life, the nerves will always be there. I'm not looking forward to meeting Kiran, she'll cling to me and make me forgive her but not this time. This is another reason why I'm afraid of my lack of patience now.

I quickly tie my hair in a low messy bun and apply masacara and blush with a little concealer to give me some life. I wear my eastern clothes and walk out of the bedroom with my bag and meet Christian in the kitchen for breakfast.

"Hey baby..." Christian says apprehensively. He's been walking on eggshells around me all week. I haven't said much to him since Sunday. I haven't felt like talking. I've missed seeing him in casual wear. As much as I love him in his suits; I adore it when he's just in a jeans and shirt with a blazer. He looks relaxed and carefree.

"Hey." I give him a small smile as I take my seat at the island.

"You look beautiful. What is this called?"

"You look pretty handsome yourself, Mr. Grey. This is called a shalwar kameez though this variation I'm wearing it considered a modern version. Given then wide pant and sleeveless shirt." I'm wearing a light blue ensemble with a white embroidered scarf that hangs from my shoulder with silver bangles.

"This color brings out your eyes." He leans in and kisses me. I bring my hands to his face and hold him close when he breaks away. "Thank you for coming with me this weekend."

"No place I'd rather be." He kisses me again.

**CPOV**

For some reason, Ana has been on edge ever since we left Seattle airspace. She's barely said a word. I've been working on my laptop while she sits across the table from me and has been looking out the window intently. Her face is tense, she closes her eyes every now and then and then but her eyes remain fixed on the window. It's times when I wish I could crawl into her mind and see what she's thinking about.

Stephan makes the announcement that we're 20 minutes away from Oakland International. It's almost 10:30am.

I call out to Ana but she doesn't respond. I call her name again but she's lost. I reach out to touch her hand and she immediately pulls away in fear and blinks rapidly and tries to take stock of her surroundings.

"Baby, are you okay?"

She shakes her head and straightens herself. "Yeah... sorry. I just... I don't know..." She's unable to complete her sentence. "Sorry, I need to use the restroom." She immediately gets up and walks away.

When she comes back I can see she's washed her face and her eyes are little red. She sits down and looks out the window again while wrapping her shawl around her a little tighter.

I get up and take the seat next to her and hold her hand and bring it to my lips. "What's wrong baby?"

"I'm okay... just a little nervous."

"Is he going to be there?"

"He might show up at dinner even though Nani said it's only supposed to be her and mama. Rania and Aria might stay... he could still show up but I really hope we don't have to see him until the Sunday brunch."

"Want me to knock the fucker out?" I smirk.

"Only if you let me help." She giggles.

Once we land and head out of Oakland, we make a quick stop at her favorite florist's studio and then Mr. Holmes Bakery to pick up treats for afternoon tea time with Nani.

We get to Presidio Terrace and walk to the front door of the house.

"First time meeting a girls family?" she looks up at me and laughs.

"Yeah."

"Nervous?"

"Nah, I know they all love me. I mean look at me, I'm Mr. One Hunnid, remember"

"You ass." She rolls her eyes and bursts out laughing as we climb up the steps to the front door. "Well if you must know, I'm really nervous." Her face falls for a bit but she shakes her head and enters her code in for the door.

I help her open it since she's carrying the floral arrangement and she walks further into the foyer to put it on the empty table.

"ASALAAM-O-ALAIKUM!" she says loudly, almost singing and we hear Nita laugh and run towards the foyer from the kitchen.

"My Aanu is home." Nita greets Ana with open arms and hugs her tight.

"I missed you so much." Ana says with tears in her eyes and Nita kisses her forehead.

"I missed you too, meri jaan." She says crying.

"Look Ma, I brought a boy home." She says wiping her face as she laughs.

Nita looks at me and smiles. "I see that. Let's terrorize him now." She laughs and walks to me and we hug.

"It's good to see you again, Nita." I say.

"Same here, welcome to our home Christian, we're so happy you came." She smiles with warmth and holds my hand.

"Okay, break it up you two. We gotta go see the lady who runs this place." Ana giggles.

We walk to the family room and we see Nani putting away some of her things. Ana hugs her tight and speaks in Urdu but starts to cry, as Nani rocks her for a bit and then kisses her forehead.

"I brought a pretty boy for you to look at, Nani." Ana giggles and I smirk.

"You always know how to make my day." She laughs and I go into to give her a hug.

"Mrs. Karim, you have a lovely home, thank you for inviting me."

"Mrs. Karim? None of that nonsense. Just call me Nani." She places a hand on my face and I see a twinkle in her eye. "You brought my Aana to me, thank you. I'm so happy you both are here. Come sit." For some reason her words floor me.

Ana opts to sit on the floor cushion with Nita while Nani and I sit on the couch. Nita and Nani are funny and start to tell me stories about Ana from when she was a child and she hides her face in Nita's lap with embarrassment. At one point the three of us start to converse in French just to annoy her and she loses it.

"You know what, you two can have him, I'm going to go an make tea." She gets up and walks away in mock protest as we laugh.

"How has she been dealing with the press? She keeps telling us everything is fine but please tell us the truth." Nani looks at me.

I take a deep breath. "It's not been easy on her. She wasn't aware of the press coverage around her accident so that was a lot. It's definitely been an adjustment for her and we're still in transition I would say but she's making progress."

Nita silently nods. "We just want to say thank you for everything you've done for her, Christian. She's so happy and I know that this too shall pass."

"She's made me incredibly happy. She's changed my life in the most profound way. I can't imagine my life without her now." I share and I feel a burning lump form in my throat.

"She has a tendency to do that. She changed all our lives for the better the minute we met her." Nita says tearfully.

"Feel free to put a ring on it." Nani says with sass and it takes me by surprise that I chuckle.

"I'm trying but your grand daughter is making me wait"

"Don't worry, I'll talk to her." She winks and Nita laughs.

I excuse myself and go to find Ana. I find her in the kitchen pouring tea into teacups.

"Don't you dare come to me... go speak French with your new girlfriends." She warns me trying to suppress a laugh.

I smirk and kiss her hard. "I didn't know you were the jealous type, I really like it mon amour"

"Whatever, Grey. All these women are going to treat you like a King and I'm going to be chopped liver this weekend." she pouts and I bite her lip.

"I promise I'll make it up to you tonight." I whisper in her ear and bite her earlobe.

"This is my Nani's house. Behave, Mr. Grey."

"I think she likes me enough to let me have my way with you, Miss Steele." I kiss her neck and she giggles.

Ana calls out to Nita and Nani and they join us both in the kitchen for tea. They put out some indian snacks that remind me of some of the food we had at the Sangeet.

"So I think you may remember the samosas we had at the wedding, they're kind of like dumplings with potatoes and spices. This bowl with yoghurt is actually a dish called Dahi Baray, it's essentially falafel like balls made out of mashed lentils instead of chickpeas and then they're mixed in yoghurt and mild spices with boiled potatoes, chickpeas and tomatoes. Topped with tamarind sauce and mint chutney." She looks at me for second and smiles. "I know... a lot of new flavors but this is mild. Not spicy at all, I promise."

I smirk while she makes me a small plate. It's definitely different. "This is really good. I thought mostly all snack food was fried and really spicy."

"We have a good mix of fried and yoghurt based dishes actually so it balances out. This is Ana's favorite food to eat. I'm guessing she hasn't made any of this for you?" Nita looks at me and laughs.

"No she hasn't." I look over at Ana and she shrugs.

"I wanted him to try these while he was here, give him the full desi experience. No easing him into this stuff. Full brainwash and transformation protocol." She wiggles her eyebrows and we all laugh. "I did make his family walnut halwa and carrot halwa over the holidays."

"We all loved it and last Sunday she made us brownies."

"So she's slowly brainwashing you all then. That's her moda operandi. No escaping now, Christian." Nani snickers gives Ana a wink.

"I have no plans to escape. As long as she feeds me, I'm good to stay." I chuckle and Ana laughs.

"Well I made Kheer for tonight, I hope you'll like it. It's our version of rice pudding." Nita smiles at me.

"Can't wait. Ana and I were talking about how I haven't really explored Eastern or Mediterranean foods so I'm looking forward to this weekend." _Who am I? I'm so agreeable and actually making conversation._

We talk about AHAK's latest philanthropy ventures and I find that AHAK has actually donated to Coping Together over the years but never really came up to Seattle to attend the gala. I tell them they have to absolutely attend this year and to visit Seattle before that as well. I've surprised myself with this invitation. I've never ever been this forthcoming and invited people over like this. It's the Ana effect.

I excuse myself to use the restroom but when I return, I see Ana in Nita's embrace and crying.

"I don't know why you keep seeing the good in her." Ana says pulling away from Nita as I go to take my seat next to her and hold her hand.

"Darling, I just don't want you to have any regrets. She was crying this time when we spoke, that's never happened. She seemed really contrite and I don't want to keep you away from her. She is your mother." Nita tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

"No, she is not. She was just an egg donor who carried me for 9 months. Ray was my father and you are my mother. She did nothing but hurt me. She never showed me any love like you did. She took me away from Ray and put me in a situation where a grown man could have raped me and then she wanted me dead. I've given her way too many chances but not anymore. She's only doing this so she can freely associate with the fact that I'm dating a billionaire. That's all she sees. You guys were never in the public eye so it's not like she could prove her associations but now... since I'm visible and my name is out there, she can use it to show off. She's dead to me. Please don't tell me to give her a chance again. I don't want her in my life in any way. I'm tired." Ana wipes her tears.

"I'm sorry, Aanu. I just... " Nita looks down and is unable to complete the sentence.

"You've always tried to see the good in her, heck in everyone. You've always shown her mercy when in reality she deserves none. Please stop taking her calls."

"Okay darling, I won't. I'm sorry." She pulls Ana for a hug again and holds her for a while.

"I've blocked her number. I suggest you both do the same." Ana looks to both Nita and Nani and they slowly nod.

After a while, Ana takes me on a tour of the house. We first stop at the photo wall by the staircase. It has photographs from Nana and Nani's wedding to baby pictures of Nita and her sister, along with all the cousins. There are pictures of Ana with her cousins too from when she was little to recently. There's a picture from her graduation where she has the smallest smile. There's a picture of Ray and Nita their wedding day at City Hall. Ana is celebrated often on this wall, it includes a picture of her graduation and one of what looks like Rania's wedding with all the cousin's huddled around the bride and groom.

We head upstairs to the second floor and she shows me the sun room where she first spent a lot of her time after she was discharged from the hospital. Once she regained significant control of her motor functions, she moved to a room on the top floor for more privacy. Once we're done we walk around and then head up to the top floor where she shows me one of the bedrooms that has tiny view of the golden gate bridge.

"Which was your room?"

She points to a closed door across the hall but doesn't move towards it.

"What's wrong Ana?"

She shrugs. "I haven't been in that room since I left for Portland."

"Is that where everything happened?"

"I don't think so. Not anymore. It's just the memory now of waking up... and..." her voice breaks.

I hold her hand and kiss it. She walks towards the door and opens it. It's a small room with white walls and small bed. It's not really decorated except for a photo wall of polaroid's and a small bookshelf stacked with books and some small souvenirs here and there.

She remains standing at the threshold as I walk around. There's not much of her in this room outside of the books and pictures. I walk back to her and pull her in. Her face is tense. I close the door behind her and lean her against it, holding her face in my hands.

"No one will ever hurt you like that again. I promise you." I look into her eyes as tears fall. "We're going to make a new memory here. A happy one." I stoke her cheek and wipe her tears as she slowly nods.

I lean in and kiss her slowly. Small pecks at first before she allows me to deepen it.

"You've come so far baby. You're standing here, living your life against all odds. I'm so honored you've allowed me into your life." I say with all the sincerity I can.

She breaks out into sob and I hold her tight. I kiss her forehead and rub her back. Once she calmed down a bit she begins to talk.

"That photo wall was Kiran's idea. Every month after I woke up, they would take a picture of me doing something new, like clenching my fist or raising my arm... anything to show my progress. That way everyday when I woke up, I would see the progress I had made from the month before etc."

I look at the pictures more closely and it's heartbreaking to see her in a hospital bed, sitting in a wheelchair, during physical therapy trying to stand and walk. I feel my eyes burn and heaviness throughout my body. Some of the pictures are of her with cousins in the car. There are some of her and Vishaal sitting together and smiling. I try to remain calm and rationalize that this was her normal as fucked up as it was. He was an important part of her recovery. I see the last picture in the grid and it's one of her standing in front of the house with Nani, Nana and Nita. She's not smiling at all.

"When was this last picture taken?" I point to it.

"This was the morning I left for Portland to attend WSU."

I look at her and tears start to fall from her eyes again. "This was after..." I can't complete my sentence.

"Yeah."

"You were in pain. How did they not see or notice." I feel the anger rise in me.

"I was shuffling between Percocet and Advil and I had restricted my movements and was sure to wear clothing that covered me. They all took my being quiet for sadness at leaving my life behind here when in reality I was screaming inside but I had gotten used to that. I had gotten used to staying inside myself." She speaks in the smallest voice as she intently stares at the picture.

I want to kill him. I want to kill that piece of shit. He violated her. She was innocent and deserved only the best in this life and he... I feel her put her hand on my arm, interrupting my thoughts.

"Don't dwell on this. This is why I've avoided this room. It's difficult because I have that one really bad and painful memory of waking up with no knowledge of what happened to me and on the other hand, I have 10 years of wonderful loving memories in this house and city. It's a constant battle, which is why I had to get out and stayed away but now I'm trying to make new memories. New memories with my niece and now with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. So let's just focus on that. That's what I want this weekend to be about. I want you to get to know the good part of my family. The part that makes me happy and keeps me coming back. I can't let one person ruin all that." She smiles with tears in her eyes, placing a hand on my cheek.

"Ana..." I try to keep the emotion at bay and control my anger as I lean into her touch. I crush her to me and we stand in each other's embrace for I don't know how long but she pulls away.

"The tour is not over, Mr. Grey. We still need to hit the basement." She giggles and I kiss her deeply.

"I love you Ana. So much." I say with a strained voice.

"Ditto, Mr. Grey. Always."

...

After a tour of the basement and a makeout session that ended all too quickly, we return to the TV room and sit on the couch to talk some more. Nani has gone to her room to pray and take a nap while Nita is looking over preparations for dinner tonight.

We hear the front door open and hear the loud voices "AANA KHALAAAAA"

Ana laughs out loud. "Raees and Aria are here. Let's go greet the heathens."

"Hey Aana Khala." Raees smiles and they hug. Aria throws herself on to Ana and she aggressively kisses and cuddles her. Aria laughs out loud and thoroughly enjoys the attention.

"Raees bhai, this is Christian."

'Good to meet you Raees."

"Same here, Christian. It's great to finally meet you, have heard so much. Hopefully we won't scare you away." He returns my handshake with a genuine smile and a wink.

"Gremlin, this is my friend. Say Hi Christian."

Aria hides her face in the crook of Ana's neck and I hear a small voice. "Hi Chwischin."

"Hi Aria." I give her a smile and she shyly smiles back but then hides herself again.

"So you guys, seriously... boy or a girl? I've got a bet going with Rania and I need to win." Raees rubs his palms together.

"Seriously? One of each." Ana sasses and I chuckle.

"Dammit. I wanted to win."

"How much was the bet for?" Ana inquires.

"A dollar."

Ana snorts. "Cheapskates."

Raees turns to me. "Listen, can you knock her up, for real? Rania doesn't want to have another kid for like two years and Aria needs a playmate."

"UM... HELLO I AM RIGHT HERE." Ana slaps his arm but it doesn't faze him.

"Listen Choti, I gotta talk to the guy who can get the job done." He says to Ana in all seriousness making me laugh.

"F you both. Now get out of here. Go cut up some people and save their lives or whatever it is you do." Ana rolls her eyes and dismisses him.

We walk back to the TV room where we were sitting and take our places on the couch again.

"What did he call you?" I ask Ana thoroughly amused by our latest interaction.

"He called me Choti which means small or little. It's nickname for younger sisters or daughters." She giggles. "I call Aria that too sometimes. Right Aria?"

"Aana Khala I am choti" she responds with a big grin and Ana kisses her forehead and then lets her go to pull books from her little bag pack.

"You're a natural with her." I give her a chaste kiss and she smiles against my lips.

"She's an easy baby."

"Aana Khala you kiss your fwend?" Aria asks from across the room.

"Shit, busted." Ana whispers, giggling.

"Yeah Aria... my friend had a booboo."

"Oh... mama kisses me when I have booboo." Aria runs towards our direction and stands right in front of me. "Where your booboo?" Ana bursts out laughing and then looks at me.

"If you're comfortable with it, tell her it's on your cheek and lean in to her." She says softly.

I swallow. This is weird. I've never really interacted with a child... it's been years since Mia. "Aria, it's on my cheek here." I lean my left cheek towards her and she tiptoes and gives me a small kiss and pats my cheek with her little hand. "Now booboo gone." She smiles at me with such wonder. I'm taken aback.

"Good girl, Aria. See Christian feels so much better now. Thank you, baby." Ana strokes her cheek and Aria walks away to her bag pack. "I think my ovaries just exploded." She looks back at me and laughs but I see tears in her eyes.

I pull her in for a hug. "Unexplode your ovaries Miss Steele, I'll need them in pristine condition if I'm going to knock you up." I smirk and she laughs out loud.

"I think you have another booboo Mr. Grey, let me give you kiss." She pulls me and kisses me deeply.

...

"How did Rania end up being head of legal at AHAK?"

"She'd been interning every summer since she was 13. She always knew she wanted to be a lawyer. She's got one of the sharpest minds. Nana took her under his wing after her mom died. Kiran didn't show much interest in the business till she started college. Rania graduated from college in 3 years and then went to law school and passed both the California and New York State bar, cause she's the fucking bomb. She was extremely driven and determined. She's like a savant when it comes to the legal side of things... she's not keen on dealing with people and schmoozing otherwise I think she'd make a kickass CEO. She lives and breathes AHAK, like it's literally in her blood."

"Sounds like you trust her more than Kiran and that fucker."

"Kiran is good at what she does, I personally think that Kiran and Rania are a better team, because Kiran is good at being the face of the deal and Rania is better at coming up with the game plan. Vishaal is good at what he does too but my apprehension of him is more of a personal bias. I realize that. It's just that he lacks humility. I prefer Karan's method of doing things in comparison. In fact, Rania and Karan are the dream team. Their deals honestly always go off without a hitch."

"What about Rania and Raees, how did they meet?"

"They met through mutual friends. Raees is from Pakistan as well. In fact his family is still based there. He came to the states to study and become a doctor and now he's a cardiothoracic surgeon at SF Memorial. When they met, Rania had blinders on, like she always has. It took Raees a while to get Rania to realize that he was asking her out. For him it was love at first sight. They met at mutual friend's house warming here. She was not in the market for a boyfriend let alone a husband but Raees was on the hunt as he likes to say." She giggles. "They remind me a little of Kate and Elliot sometimes. Raees has been wonderful for Rania, he is obsessed with her and brings out the fun side of her. I mean she's amazing at what she does but on the personal side of things she was very closed off, romantically I mean. Her mom died when she was 12 and it really hit her hard and her dad emotionally checked out for a while. He couldn't get over the death of his wife for the longest time so Nana and Nani stepped in and helped out with raising the kids for a while. Rania grew close to Nana as a result and he taught her everything. And I learned a lot from Rania."

"You liked working with her?"

"I loved it, I learned something new everyday. I mean I learned from all of them, even whatshisname. I absorbed every ounce of knowledge I could and it's helped me in my professional life immensely. She's the reason why I'm at GEH so you better thank her when you see her." She giggles.

"I'll definitely thank her." I smirk and kiss her forehead.

...

"Aana Khala... ice cweam and GG bwidge?" Aria looks at her after Ana reads her last book to her.

"You want to go, gremlin?"

"Yesh."

"Can Christian come too?"

"Chwischin you can come wiv us." Aria looks at me and smiles.

"Looks like you're invited to take part in our little tradition, Mr. Grey." She smiles at me and we get up.

We ask Nani if she'll join us but she declines saying she'd like to relax a little more. She's still not over the jet lag.

"Mama, you need anything from the market? I think we'll be back in about 2 hours or so. I've told Rania we're taking Aria with us."

"Sounds good. Can you get some garlic powder? I completely forgot to buy some yesterday and the snack cupboard is running low. Hold on, let me give you my card."

"I have your card, don't worry. I'll get it." She walks over to one of the drawers and picks up the car keys and then makes a call.

"Hey Benny, we're heading out for ice-cream and then GG bridge with a trip to the grocery store on our way back home. I'll see you outside in 10 minutes?... Okay perfect. See ya then." She hangs up and smiles at me. "You want to let Sawyer and Prescott know?"

I find out that AHAK purchased the building directly across from the Presidio Terrace gates for their security team to live in and have visiting security teams wait when they have guests. Before we came in, we stopped by the building and were introduced to Antoine Benoit, a retired Navy Seal originally from Lousiana. He's a fairly large guy, could definitely bench two Sawyer equivalents without breaking a sweat. Ana looks tiny in front of him but he adores her. He looked me up and down but didn't really state his approval or disapproval of me. I imagine meeting Raymond Steele would've been a similar experience.

"I can drive." I tell Ana as she sets up the car seat for Aria.

"Mr. Grey, only three people are allowed to drive Nani's car; Benny, Nita and myself. Besides, you're in my city... just sit back in relax." She winks at me and I smirk. Alright Miss Steele, have it your way.

The car in question is a Black 2020 Range Rover. The AHAK car of choice since the beginning of time.

We settle into the car and Ana begins to tell me there are a series of steps that need to be done to get in to the right frame of mind when driving out for this tradition. First, she helps Aria say a small Islamic prayer that's meant for travel. Second, they open up the sunroof a little and third... well truth be told. I wasn't expecting the third from an almost 3 year old.

"Aria, want some music baby?"

"POS MAWONEEEEE"

Ana looks at me and we both burst out laughing. "You got it gremlin." She scrolls through her phone and clicks play. "Rania and Raees love Post Malone too so we have our little fan club going." She giggles.

As the song starts, Aria sings a garbled version of the lyrics, completely out of tune and it's adorable and hilarious. They both hype each other up as she drives through the streets. In one instance he looks so young and carefree and in the second it gives me a glimpse into the kind of mom she would be. Fully involved and devoted. I can't help but smile.

_Seasons change and our love went cold  
Feed the flame 'cause we can't let go  
Run away, but we're running in circles  
Run away, run away  
I dare you to do something  
I'm waiting on you again  
So I don't take the blame  
Run away, but we're running in circles  
Run away, run away, run away_

"You drive like a dude." I say with smirk.

"Dude? You literally sound like Elliot. I'm a little concerned."

I chuckle. "I guess what I meant is that you don't drive like a my mom or Mia. They've always been nervous drivers and I literally stuck to the steering wheel while you're so relaxed and yeah... it's different."

"Have you ever had a girl drive you around."

"Can't say I have. I feel a little weird right now."

"Well, I learned how to drive from Raymond Steele and Antoine Frances Benoit aka Benny aka you're not allowed to call him that till he decides he likes you. Till then he's Mr. Benoit to you." She laughs. "Benny helped me learn how to drive again after recovery. He was going to teach me how to make a donut but Nita put her foot down on that so that is my one big regret in life." She giggles.

"I agree with her. No daredevil stunts for you."

"You guys are no fun." She pouts. "Aria baby, you okay back there?"

"Yessss I look at cars." Aria replies.

We arrive at her favorite ice-cream place called Swensen's. She gets Aria out from the backseat and carries her inside, while Sawyer waits outside.

"You didn't try to lose me back there." Benny laughs.

"Ehhh, was trying to give you a break in your old age." Ana sasses. "Plus, gotta ease the boyfriend into the my antics. He has a thing for safety." She looks at me and laughs and I roll my eyes.

"Hey Ana, long time no see." The guy from the counter calls out to her.

"Hey Tom, so good to see you. Can we get a kid scoop of French vanilla with sprinkles and I'll have a single scoop of French vanilla with chocolate fudge." She looks to me. "You want to take some time to look at the flavors."

"I'll have what you're having."

"We'll share then since I won't be able to eat it all."

Once we get the ice-cream we get back into the car and drive out.

"This is actually really good." I tell her.

"I know right, I'm addicted to it. I used to have it three, four times a week when I moved here and then even before when I used to visit. No SF trip is complete for me without a trip to Swensen's. It's the only reason why they know my name. All us cousins come here whenever we have a reunion, though I just stole the chance from Rania but she'll live." She smirks.

As she drives, I feed her ice cream while Aria continues to sing and I wonder that if this is what our life could be like then I don't want to wait. I want it all with her.

_Every time you left, shit was never right  
In another bed every single night  
Had it to a science, you were so precise  
See it in your eyes, saw you in the light  
Somehow, mami, I still want you  
Listen to me, don't drive away (drive away)  
Kill me softly, your hold on me is  
Somethin' I can't explain_

_I know you could never be my bitch  
Shit could never be like this  
I know, stop thinkin' you're in my plans  
Hundred times you blew another chance  
I know you were gettin' down on the low  
Then runnin' back to me in the morning  
I know shit could never be like this  
You could never be my bitch  
No, no_

You know these lyrics aren't really child friendly." I laugh.

"I know but it is what it is. I just don't sing the bad words in front of her." She shrugs and laughs and continues to sing along and move to the beat.

We drive over the bridge and Aria gasps from the backseat.

"Aana khala... bwidge so bigggg." She says in wonder.

"She says this every time." Ana laughs. "Aria, can you show Christian where you're looking."

"Chwischin look up. Bwidge is big and red." She calls out to me.

I look up again through the sunroof. "Yeah Aria, you're right it's really big."

Ana giggles. "See Mr. Grey, you're a natural at this." She looks at me and gives me a wink. I pull her hand to me and kiss it.

"You make it easy to good everything, Miss Steele."

We get to Battery Spencer and park the car while Benny and Prescott follow us as we walk around and take in the sights.

"I've never been here." I tell her.

"Really? You never did touristy things?"

"Never had the time nor was I interested in the experience but this... I like this because it's with you. It's beautiful." I look at her and her skin glows with golden hour light. She smiles back and I kiss her forehead. Memories from Carmel by the Sea come to mind.

Benny takes a few pictures of us with the bridge in the background while Ana holds Aria. She takes a few selfies to send to mom and dad along with grandpa Theo and Grandma Margot and the sibling group chat.

"Should I be afraid that you're so in touch with my parents and grandparents?"

"Yes, you should be very afraid Mr. Grey." She sticks her tongue out.

We get back to the family house after a run to the grocery store where Ana went overboard buying snacks for the house along with the hotel. She blamed it on the possible midnight craving she might have. I didn't argue and followed her directive.

"Aria baby, mama is home." Ana tells her as she helps Aria out of the car seat.

"MAMAAAAA" she starts to squeal and runs up the steps as we carry the groceries into the kitchen.

Rania picks up Aria and showers her with kisses and hugs.

"Well, well, look who it is. Back from your adventures without me?" She asks with a smirk.

"Hi Raniapa." Ana says laughing and goes into hug and kiss her.

"Rania, meet Christian. Christian meet Rania." Ana introduces us.

"Mr. One Hunnid." She wiggles her eyebrows and I laugh.

"RANIAPA." Ana chides as we hug.

"Oh come on, we're adults, I can joke about this stuff... plus you made my life miserable when Raees and I were dating so it's time for payback bitch." Rania sasses.

"BITCH." Aria yells and Ana facepalms and I chuckle.

"You know all day she never cursed and now you just broke that streak." Ana scolds.

"Blame it on that husband of mine." She rolls her eyes.

Rania gets me a glass of wine and we sit in the kitchen talking and get to know each other. Rania is funny and welcoming. I see why Ana feels comfortable with her.

"Raees told me he asked you to knock her up." Rania cackles.

"And I told him I'm trying." I smirk.

"I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING YOU GOSSPING QUEENS ARE TALKING ABOUT." Ana yells from across the kitchen where she's helping out Nita.

We sit down to dinner in the kitchen. Ana tells they only use the formal dining room when everyone is home but when it's just Nani and Nita, they try to keep everything cozy. Nita tells me everything she cooked today used to be Ray's favorite food and this dinner is a their tiny way of honoring his memory. The gesture floors me.

"So this is chicken pulao, it's rice cooked in chicken broth with pieces of chicken. This next dish is a beef curry that's cooked a little different that usual beef curries are made. You take pieces of beef meant for stewing and boil them in water with cinnamon sticks. After it's boiled you then cook it with spices it's really soft and aromatic. We have some naan with nigella seeds and this last dish is haleem, it's basically beef with tons of lentils slowly cooked for 8-10 hours to make it into a thick paste like consistency and you can sprinkle fried garlic pieces with ginger and lemon if you'd like. You can eat it just as like you would a stew or soup or you can eat it with naan as well." Ana explains to me

"It smells amazing." It really does and I can't wait to try it.

"It tastes amazing too. Nita is the best cook." Rania says.

"None of this stuff should be that spicy for you, I tried to keep it mild. I can't however promise what Rania will make for you two tomorrow." Nita giggles.

"I'm not holding back. He wants to be part of this family, he's gotta pass the foodie test." Rania laughs.

"Bring it on Rania." I challenge.

"You better buy all the TUMS you can, Grey." She smirks.

We start to eat and the food is incredible. I've never really eaten with my hands. When we were in India we did but that was forever ago. Outside from eating a burger or sandwiches, I've never really had to eat with my hands except at the wedding and that too was very brief. This is a new and welcome experience.

Aria asked to sit on the high chair next to Ana while she makes small bites of food for her and puts them on her table. She's a real natural. She is fully involved in our conversation while making sure she eats herself and Aria eats and drinks well. Rania told her she'd take care of Aria but Ana wasn't having it, she wants to spend as much time as she can with Aria even if it's doing the smallest things like feeding her.

At one point Rania starts to converse with me in French. Nani and Nita join in and Ana whines in protest.

"This is so not fair. I am not bringing him again."

"Quit your whining. You've spent years terrorizing us with our significant others." Rania snaps back laughing.

I laugh at Ana expense and she narrows her eyes at me.

"You better watch it Mr. Grey." She sticks her tongue out at me and I kiss her forehead.

"Aana Khala have booboo?" Aria asks and we all laugh.

"Yes baby, Aana khala has a lot of booboos." Rania wiggles her eyes and we all laugh. "So tell me where are you guys staying?"

"The Fairmont." I tell her.

"You guys should've told me, I could've had the room comped but you know what... I'll take your money Grey. I'll take it all." Rania laughs.

...

Once we're back at the hotel and done with our bath, we lay in bed while Ana continues to kiss me.

"You're awfully affectionate this evening Miss Steele."

"Are you complaining, because I can stop." She giggles

"No, I love it." I smile at her.

"It means so much to me that you came to SF and are spending time with people that I love. I know you have a lot of responsibilities and you love work so for you to take time off... it really means a lot."

"You don't have to thank me Ana. I do love working but I also love you and I wanted to spend time getting to know the people who mean a lot to you. I really enjoyed myself today."

"Really? I mean, I know it was kind of a slow day. This is literally how I spend my days when I visit. We spend most of our time in the kitchen, talking and snacking as we catch up or go out like we did with Aria. It's only when Uncle Rish and Alia Khala are around that we move to the formal dining room for space."

"I loved it and the food was incredible. You have to make that beef curry for me sometime."

She smiles at me. "I will, I promise."

"I like Rania. I can see she really loves you and you're right she is a bit like Kate."

"Yeah, she is but they both love fiercely. You just have to get through the tough exterior, kinda like you Mr. Grey." She smiles.

I smirk. "I have to say, I've never spent time with straight women outside of the family who didn't have an ulterior motive. It was refreshing."

"Well, they do want you to make an honest woman out of me and knock me up."

"Yeah, Nani told me to put a ring on it when you stormed off to make tea."

"Oh god. These women" She hides her face and I laugh. "She quoted Queen Bey... damn, Aisha Hasan never ceases to surprise me."

"Is that what AHAK stands for?"

"Yeah it's an acronym for Aisha Hasan and Abdul Karim."

"I didn't know but I also didn't really look into them. They were never a threat. Hasan is her maiden name?"

"Yeah, she kept it after marriage and Nana rebranded after they got married."

"I never knew they donated to Coping Together... that was a pleasant surprise." I muse.

"Yeah, I didn't know either though that revelation made me remember something that you will probably lose your shit over. It's hilarious but you're going to probably really hate Kiran over this." She laughs.

"Don't make me hate her anymore than I already do."

"You hate her?" she looks at me confused.

"No, I mean... I don't hate her but I certainly don't like her."

She swallows. "I don't want you to hate her Christian. She's just... I mean I'm also confused with how my relationship has evolved with her since the wedding. Like... that speech I made, I meant every word of it in that moment but now that I look back, I was feeling a lot of emotions and I was in such close proximity to her again over the months leading up to the wedding... not to mention what she did for me during recovery... it's a lot to sort through." She looks down.

I kiss hold her face and kiss her. "I know... I just hate that her careless mistake has caused you so much pain again."

She nods. "... but don't hate her."

"Fine, I strongly dislike her right now."

She giggles. "Okay. I can live with that."

"Tell me about this revelation."

"So last year the week I lost my job at SIP, that weekend was the Coping Together event and Daniel had flown into Seattle for it..."

"ANASTASIA DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I THINK YOU ARE ABOUT TO TELL ME."

She laughs out loud. "STORY TIME, GREY."

"Okay fine... go ahead." I am about to lose my shit.

"Daniel had asked me to accompany him since it was looking like Kiran wouldn't be able to make it given some shit at work. Daniel had just said it was his family friends who were throwing a benefit. Kate was also supposed to attend with her Dad but had to fly to Atlanta for work so she told me to borrow one of her dresses if I ended up going. Daniel told me he would introduce me to some people since I was job hunting again... I wasn't really looking forward to it since I had never been to anything like that. Then at the last minute, Kiran was able to make it so I was off the hook."

"Please tell me you're fucking with me."

"You're free to confirm this story with Daniel on Sunday." She giggles.

"I'm going to kill Kiran now." I grumble.

Ana laughs out loud.

"I could've met you then? Fuck, Ana..."

"I think the Universe was just testing out ideas for us to meet and every time at the last minute it probably thought... nahhhh back to the drawing board."

"I ended up meeting his family for brunch the next day which Elliot was supposed to come for but I think he overslept so yeah... lots of missed connections that weekend."

"Baby... this is so unfair." I climb on top her and kiss her all over.

She giggles. "But we're here now Mr. Grey."

"And I'm never letting go of you Miss Steele." I smirk and attack her lips making her laugh.

"Christian... stop..." she squeals but I don't let up.

I enter her and she gasps as I start to move. She weaves her fingers into my hair and we look into each other's eyes.

I slowly make love to her till she falls over the edge and I follow right behind her.

"I've missed you baby."

"I've missed you too, I'm sorry I was so distant... I was... just...i'm really trying... this is all new to me..."

I kiss her and stroke her cheek. "I know...I'll always be here for you. Don't ever apologize."

She smiles back at me. "You were so good and patient with Aria today."

"To be honest, I was concerned since I haven't interacted with a baby since Mia. I always stayed away from that stuff."

"Well, she likes you. She kept looking at you at dinner and she's so adorable when she says your name."

"Yeah, that was cute."

"You're going to be a great dad, Christian. I know it"

I swallow. Her faith in me always floors me. "Only if you let me knock you up." I smirk.

"According the press, I already am." She winks

* * *

**Authors Note**:The next chapter will be a continuation of the weekend with the family. The Kapadia siblings will make an appearance and things will get interesting.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - Chapter 47

**Music:**

Circles – Post Malone

I know – Post Malone


	48. Chapter 48

I pretty much wrote a 11,000+ word flller chapter I think but I wanted to share some of the cousin experiences and give a little more life to the family that Ana always talks about. I hope you like it.

I got some really sweet PM's asking where I disappeared too. I'm here, just dealing with my layoffs at my job. My job is in jeopardy, I'm fortuntate enough to be able to work from home but things are really tough for everyone I know. I can't even hold it against my boss. Sigh, let's see what happens.

**Majoris Angus:** I wanted to thank you for review and concern for Ana's character. I promise her connection to wanting to be a baby cuddler has nothing to do with her assault and possible pregnancy from that. She's never been pregnant. Not at all. Her connection and wanting to volunteer at the NICU stems from volunteering with Nita while she was in San Francisco, there's another reason too which will be explained in future chapters.

I hope you all are well and staying safe. I am trying to update as fast as I can. Thank you for sitcking with me.

Till then, Day 2 and a little bit of day 3 of the SF weekend.

* * *

Chapter 48 – Family is Family, Part II

_Saturday, February 29__th__, 2020_

**APOV**

I spent the early part of the morning with Mama and Nani. I've rarely ever got to spend time with just the two of them in the last 4 years. Uncle Rish and Alia Khala are still in India so the house is completely empty and quiet except the visiting skeleton staff that's cleaning up as mama has the kitchen in a buzz preparing for tomorrow's brunch.

Despite all the money, Nana and Nani always wanted a sense of normalcy inside the house. The staff is only visiting, we have a cook who will come in twice a week to help out but usually it's Nani, Nita or Alia Khala who will cook every now and then. Cooking is mostly a family affair and everyone pitches in. Nita does the groceries herself every week. It's such a stark contrast from the life I live with Christian and I realize I miss the normalcy of all this. Of living in my apartment, cooking for Kate and I. Our weekend breakfast hangouts... everything has changed so fast it's made my head spin.

"I can't believe you left Christian alone." Mama laughs

I roll my eyes. "He'll be fine Mama, he's a big boy. Plus he's working so he's in his happy place. Besides I wanted to spend time with my two favorite women."

"Don't let Rania hear that." Nani pipes up from the table as she peels an orange.

"I might just say it in front of her to watch her lose it." I giggle.

"So tell me Aana, what's next for you and Christian?" Nani inquires and I know what she's getting at.

"Well, we're still getting to know each other and..."

"How long are you going to make the poor boy wait?" Nani interrupts and I hear Nita giggle behind me.

"Are you two going to gang up on me now? I mean, you've known his French speaking ass a total of five minutes and you've turned on me." I try to hide my smile but I fail as they cackle.

"Aana, he loves you. I mean he's got it bad and he wants to marry you. Why wait?" Nita asks softly.

"Why not wait? I mean... I just met him and yes I love him and I know he's the one but... listen I just started therapy again and I want to get a little better and sort out some stuff you know." I sigh.

"What happened, Aanu?" Nita walks around to face me and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.

_I wish I could tell you Mama. I'm just so afraid. I love you so much but I am afraid._

I swallow trying to keep my tears from falling.

"It's just that... it's too many big life changes happening too fast... I haven't really had a chance to breathe you know." I give her a small smile. "I want to enjoy being just a girlfriend before being a wife... I just need a little bit of time."

"If you take too long, I'll swipe him." Nani laughs

"Yeah and then you two French speaking lovebirds can ride off into the sunset." I roll my eyes. _This crazy, beautiful woman._

...

This trip is making me realize how long it's been since I've truly been away. The little rituals and traditions I had gotten accustomed to haven't been revisited in a really long time. Case in point, Benny taking me to Rania's apartment. Before I left for college, I'd have driving lessons with Benny about 2 or 3 days a week. We talk about anything and everything. He gave me pepper spray, mace and taser as a going present before I left college. I really wish I had kept the taser with me _that night._

Christian was not happy when I insisted that I wanted Benny to drive me to Rania's. I told him Sawyer could drop me off at Nani's but that Benny would bring me to Rania's in the afternoon so I could get some time for girl talk with her before the dinner.

"_Ana, I don't like it." _

"_Christian, Benny is a retired Navy Seal along with the rest of Nani and Nita's security. I mean... I think I'll be fine with him for a 20 minute drive to Rania's... plus I haven't chilled out with him in a really long time. It'll give us time to talk. Please?" I bat my eyelashes at him and pout against his lips. His jaw is tense but I start to see the formation of just a little smile. I've got him. YES! Victory is MINE._

"_You don't play fair, Miss Steele." He says with a growl and squeezes my ass._

"_Christian, Benny has known me for years. Nani trusts him and I will be safe with him." I caress his cheek and give him a small kiss. "I've let fear run my life for the past four years... I'm trying to slowly shed all of that because now I have you... please let me make that progress and learn to trust people again?"_

"_Ana..." He breathes my name and grabs the nape of my neck and angles my face to look up to him. His steel grey eyes boring into mine, searching for something... and then suddenly his lips crash into mine and he kisses me aggressively. I hear a low groan from his throat as I try my best not to lose myself in the kiss but it's not use. He takes everything from me. These are his 'I need you and you're mine' kisses. They are urgent, hard and I love getting lost them._

_I'm barely coherent when I realize he's released me. I open my eyes to look at him and remind myself to breathe. _

"_You're mine Anastasia. Remember that." He says in that low Dom baritone voice laced with slight aggression as his thumb plays with my bottom lip._

"_Yours, forever." I breathe and he gives me that 1000 mega watt smile that sends me into another orbit._

I say my goodbyes to Nani and Mama and meet Benny outside the house. He's as tall as the empire state building. He prefers the words Black, Bold and Beautiful though, or Lousiana's Idris Elba. The man has got the ego the size of China and Russia combined.

"Hey Benz." I giggle as I get in.

"You know, you're the only one I let get away with this absurd nicknames." He growls as we drive out.

"Oh come on, Benny ... did you really expect me to call you Mr. Benoit when I first met you. I mean, I wanted to like you, not be scared of you."

"Honestly, at this point, I'd rather you fear me." I laugh. I love that he's a grump but I know how to cut through all that.

"So tell me, what do you think of my man?" He looks at me through the rearview mirror and I wiggle my eyebrows.

"The jury's still out on him." He says a little gruffly.

"You don't like him?" _No, Benny no, don't hate on Christian._

He shrugs. "He's a white boy with a lot of money. I know he made it all himself... but your grandmother trusts him and I trust her decisions. Let's say, I'm cautiously optimistic. Ray was a fellow serviceman and a dear friend and I see you as a daughter. I guess I'm never gonna easily accept any man that comes into your life. I gotta let him sweat it out a bit." He smirks.

"I understand that but if there's something that seems off, you can tell me."

"Haven't found anything off yet which is why the jury is still out."

"He's a good guy Benny, I promise. He loves me and wants to protect me. Heck even getting him to let me ride with you right now was a huge feat."

"Well, just so you know, his boy Sawyer is tailing us so I guess I'll give him points for that."

"WHAT?" _That freaking control freak._

I look back, thanking god for tinted windows and I see that freaking black Audi 4 cars behind us. I take a deep breath and try to center myself. I giggle erupts out of me and both Benny and I start to laugh.

"Want me to lose him?" Benny tries to come down from our laughing fit.

"Can we, please? It's been a while since we did something fun."

"Say no more Miss Steele."

I've missed this and Christian is going to kill me... but I'll live.

_..._

"Please tell me that is not what you are wearing to the dinner tonight?" Rania asks me as I help her prepare dinner. I'm in a jeans and white tee, though I don't think it would be such a bad idea if I did stay in this.

"No Mother, I brought a change of clothes and some makeup."

"Okay good, I mean this dinner is not black tie affair but I'd like for us to look civilized at least."

"Yes, Mother."

"So tell me, what's up? What's new? I want to know exciting things."

"Well, I got hit on by a girl at the Secret Garden." I laugh.

"OH DO TELL!"

"This stays between us of course."

She snorts. "You know me. I Attorney-Client privilege everything."

I giggle. "Just checking... okay so yeah, I was in line to go to the bathroom and this kylie jenner clone thought that I was in a relationship with my friend Val..."

"I saw her picture on the Nooz, that black girl who looks like a supermodel?"

"YEAH! Her, so I told this chick no, she's just a friend. But I didn't really trust this chick so Sapphire from London made an appearance, we talked for like a minute and she wanted to take me out to dinner but I shut her down."

"GIRL... can we please go party sometime. Ruby from France wants a night on the town."

"I miss Ruby... though if we go out together, Topaz might have a meltdown." I laugh.

Rania groans. "Kiran and Topaz can suck my left tit... I want to go out and party not pick her face up from the floor cause she couldn't handle her fucking liquor."

"Thank God Aria is napping right now." I laugh.

"At this point Ruby from France only makes appearances in my bedroom." Rania cackles.

"Can you PLEASE not talk about your sex life?" I roll my eyes.

"No listen, I have to tell you this. I mean... you're young and just starting out in your sexual journey but sometimes you can hit a plateau and Raees and I were looking for something more... so we got introduced to this sex therapist lady and holy hell did she help us put some spice back in the curry." Rania wiggles her eyebrows and I lose it.

"SPICE IN THE CURRY? ARE YOU SHITTING ME?" _Where the fuck does she come up with this stuff. I am dead._

"I never joke about spice in the curry" She looks at me seriously and the bursts out laughing. "Seriously though, she told us to try our hand at creative role playing and let's just say... Ruby from France is a frequent flyer now. "

I bring my hands to my face trying to hide my first and second hand embarrassment. This is like if Nita tried to talk to me about her sex life with Ray. JUST NO.

"So tell me... how are things with Mr. One Hunnid."

"They're really good." I say trying not to giggle but fuck, I can't stop smiling.

"OH SHIT, your face is red is like a red hot chili pepper. DEFINITELY A LOT OF SPICE IN YOUR CURRY."

"RANIA." _God this woman will kill me one day._

"WHAT? This is good. Girl, marry that boy. Do not share that curry recipe with ANYONE."

"I will, soon. This is my first relationship Raniapa, I just want to take it a little slow. Too many life changes one after the other... just a little breather would be nice."

"I know baby, I know. I'm only joking. In the end it should be your decision and no pressure okay. You know me, I have to make a joke about everything."

"I know, mama."

We fall into a rhythm again and I start to tell her about Jose and Val and how she needs to visit Seattle now and meet them and spend time with us. She hates Seattle but has agreed to come to see me and brave the cold and rain.

"So tell me, what else is on your mind? You mentioned you wanted to talk about some stuff when you came to visit."

Fuck me. This is going to be hard.

"I need you to promise me you will not talk to anyone else in the family about this." I look at her. _Don't cry Ana. Don't cry._

She whips her face to me and fuck, there's that concerned look. "What happened baby? Are you okay, is it about Christian?"

"No, nothing about him, he's wonderful. I promise. It's about me but I'm fine I promise it's just something that I've been meaning to tell you for a while but... with everything and my being in Portland I just never found the right time."

Her face tenses but she urges me to continue with a slight nod.

I take a deep breath. _You can do this Ana. "_It's about Vishaal." I say and I feel my voice waver.

"Okay..." she looks at me with expectant eyes.

I can't do this. I can't.

"He...He's..." I feel my throat close up and the room start to spin... I can't do this. I take a deep breath. "He's been wanting the nature of our relationship to change... he wants to marry me." I choke on the words and tears start to fall uncontrollably.

"WHAT. THE. FUCK?" She looks at me with murder in her eyes. "When did this happen?"

"B-before I went to P-portland..." I can barely speak.

"Is he out of his fucking mind? You're his sister. I mean... I know not by blood but what the fuck. You are his little sister... what the fuck was he thinking saying that shit to you?"

"I don't know... it's been really difficult these past 4 years... and..."

"Is that why you don't hang out with him anymore?"

"Yeah. I'm not comfortable around him and he's made it perfectly clear he doesn't like Christian."

"He needs to be put in his place."

"No it's fine. I just..." I take a deep breath. This is not the whole story. Fuck.

"Have you told Nita and Nani?" She asks. I can't tell her that Nani knows because she'll lose it again and I know Rania she is the kind of person who wants to get to the bottom of shit and this will blow up the family.

"No. Nita loves him like a son. I don't want to stir any shit Rania. I just... I needed to tell someone. I can't talk to Kiran about this. I've really tried to maintain a relationship with her these past four years but I know she tells Vishaal every fucking thing, so I've had to be very careful with what I tell her about myself even. I've barely had conversations about Christian with her because I can't trust where that information will go."

She takes a deep breath. "This is fucked up and such a shit thing for him to do. I'm going to murder his ass."

_Imagine if I had told you he brutally raped me. _"No Apa, please don't say anything. This stays between you and me."Tears continue to fall from my eyes.

"Okay, I won't but listen to me baby, this is not on you. You keep on living your life. Don't worry about what he thinks or what he wants. You have always treated with him respect and love that one has for a brother but you don't owe him anything beyond that but after this, he doesn't deserve that even. This is his problem. Not yours."

"I know and I don't but it's hard to avoid him and the way he looks at me... I'm really uncomfortable when he's around. The shit he says... these past four years have been tough. I've been avoiding him and..."

"Does Christian know?"

"He has an idea that things are tense between us but I've chalked it up to that we're just different people but he's not blind. He doesn't like Vishaal either."

"Yeah don't tell him, he's an intense guy and we don't want Mr. One Hunnid behind bars. Conjugal visits will kill the spice in the curry." She giggles making me laugh.

"Can you help run interference during the brunch just in case? When he came to Seattle with Kiran the night Nana passed away... it was awkward as fuck."

She nods. "Don't worry, I got you baby. I'll stick to him like glue."

"I hope this won't affect your personal and working relationship too much. I know he's CEO and everything but... I've been going to therapy and I've been avoiding a lot of this shit and if I'm going to marry Christian, I need to really rid myself of this shit and slowly start facing all my demons."

"I get it baby, you do you and as far as my working and personal relationship are concerned, I barely hang out with him outside of work even though we live in the same apartment building and work is work. I can separate that shit. My focus is AHAK and I work for Abdul Karim's vision of AHAK not him."

**CPOV**

Rania and Raees live about a 5 minute drive away from the hotel in one AHAK's new developments that overlook Bay Bridge. Apparently Vishaal lives in that building too. Hopefully I don't run into the fucker because I will knock him out.

Once I reach their floor, I'm greeted by Raees who's waiting in the foyer.

"Come on in brother. Welcome to our home." He says with a big smile. We shake and I give him the present I brought for Aria, more like Ana bought it and put my name on it and told me to bring it with me along bottle of wine I had Sawyer pick up.

As we walk through the apartment and get to the kitchen, Aria clocks me and runs over to me.

"Hi Chwischin."

"Hi Aria" I give her a smile. I feel like a mountain towering over her.

She immediately runs off yelling... "AANA KHALAAAA CHWISCHIN IS HEREEEEE." Her announcement and enthusiasm makes me laugh.

"Hey Christian, happy you made it." Rania smiles and comes in for a hug.

"Thanks for inviting me. Your home is beautiful and this view certainly helps."

"Thank you, yeah the view is definitely the highlight."

"Babe, he brought the good stuff." Raees laughs as he takes out the wine and goes to open it.

"I expect nothing less from Mr. One Hunnid." She winks at me and goes back to prepping the food.

A few minutes later Ana joins us carrying Aria. She's looks fucking perfect as always..., her hair, her lips... _Focus, Grey, focus._

"Hi Chwischin." She says giggling. "Aria here was freaking out and literally pulling my dress to get me out here to see you."

I smirk. "She's a smart kid."

Aria wiggles out of her embrace the minute Raees tells her I got her a present. She rips it open and looks at it with wonder.

"BOOKS!" she says excitedly.

"Aria, say thank you Christian." Rania tells her.

Aria looks towards me and slowly walks over and gives me a big smile. "Thank you, Chwischin."

"You're welcome, Aria." I give her a smile and she walks away asking her dad to start reading to her.

"She's gonna crush on you so hard." Ana giggles and tiptoes to give me a kiss on the cheek.

"I guess you better watch out, you've got competition, Miss Steele." I lean in and give her a small kiss. "You look beautiful as always." I whisper against her lips and she giggles with her rosy cheeks.

We sit down to eat and Rania does a run through of the menu.

"Okay so, I decided now to go too crazy on the spiciness. The last thing I need a billionaire white boy expiring on my dining table but let me tell you Grey... I won't always be this nice. You gotta work up your spice tolerance for the future." She sasses.

"Thanks Rania, I'll definitely get to work on my training." I laugh.

"Alright, so this rice dish is chicken biryani... I tried to keep it mild but it may still be a little spicy for you. It's basically rice mixed with a chicken curry and voila we have biryani. We have the same kind of naan from last night along with these beef kebabs. This bowl over here is chicken qorma, it's also a chicken curry but made differently and the last thing you see in this small bowl here is fried okra and ground beef, this is Aana's favorite and it's usually eaten with naan... and well, yeah that about sums it up... oh wait, this here is raita, it's basically yoghurt with some black pepper with cucumbers, tomatoes and onions mixed in. You can eat this with biryani and it can soften the spice level a bit if need be... uh yeah, so let's dig in." Rania claps her hands in delight while Raees laughs.

Ana laughs. "I hope we're not overwhelming you."

"Not at all. I'm ready to eat." _God, I hope it's not too spicy and I hope I don't die._

...

"...no no, let me tell you what this witch did..." Rania all but screams.

"RANIAPA... STOP." Ana laughs out loud.

"Shut up... she calls up Raees from my phone and word for word says the following...' Raees, you need to get your ass over her and show Rania a good time cause she wound up tighter than a monk in Tibet."

"Look at me Christian... do you think I could've said something like that?" She bats her baby blue eyes at me.

"Actually, I'm positive you said that. I know how your mind works." I chuckle and we all laugh.

They continue to tell me about Ana and embarrass her thoroughly all while forgetting that they aren't supposed to curse given how Aria parrots out loud every curse word they say, making us laugh even more.

In the middle of our conversation, Raees phone rings.

"Ah, fuck."

"FUCK" Aria yells and starts to laugh while Ana facepalms.

He smirks and gets up to take the call.

"You know, you guys are going to get calls about her potty mouth everyday once you start sending her to school."

"I know... I can't wait. My little foul-mouthed ringleader is gonna blow their ears to hell." Rania wiggles her eyebrows and takes another sip of her wine.

Raees returns from his phone call. "Guys, I'm really sorry but I have to head back to the hospital. One of my patients is having complications... hopefully it's something that can be managed without surgery otherwise I'll see you crazy kids at the brunch tomorrow." He says his goodbyes and runs out the door.

I help Rania pick up the dishes while Ana takes Aria to give her a bath and then put her to bed. Something that she loves doing but rarely gets to do.

"By the way, I know we can seem like a lot but we're harmless. We're just really excited that Aana found someone." Rania smiles warmly at me.

"I know, to be honest I'm enjoying hearing all this about her. In Seattle it's mostly everyone trying to embarrass me, so this payback is nice."

"Oh buddy, then wait till the brunch tomorrow. She's gonna get buried. We've all been waiting for this day for YEARS." Rania cackles and I chuckle.

"Thank you for hosting us. The food was incredible."

"Anytime, you guys always have a home here so come out and hangout any time. Just give me a heads up so I can make sure I can cook. I don't get to do it often so it's nice when Aana comes by." She smiles.

_Everyone in her family so far is so hospitable. It reminds me of Grace. She always welcomes people with open arms and knows how to make them feel at home. I see where Ana gets it from._

Once the table is cleared we head over the couches.

"How was Ana like as a child?"

"Oh god... she was incredible. Fucking scary though. I mean, a real fire. She was like the energizer bunny, always on and quick to shut you down, you could never get in a word in edgewise. We called her our Pillsbury doughboy cause she was fucking cute." She laughs and then her face falls. "Then after the accident... we didn't hear her voice for almost two and a half years... she barely smiled... it was really quiet for all of us... if she was a fire before... she's a glow now; soft, quiet and mesmerizing I'd say. There are still remnants of the old Ana in there somewhere and they shine through every now and then but otherwise she completely changed."

I feel the heaviness of emotion in my chest.

"Were you around when the accident happened?

She shakes her head. "I was in Pakistan attending a cousin's wedding and visiting extended family for the holidays. We weren't told for 2 weeks and then even then they kept the extent of her injuries on the DL. Once we found out, we got our tickets changed and got to Montesano and... " She takes a deep breath. "Seeing her like that it really affected us all. It was a real blow to the family. I'd never seen fear in Abdul Karim's eyes till then, fuck... seeing her like that made Benny cry and he's a fucking Navy Seal. I mean... I'm guessing she doesn't talk much about it?"

"She hasn't told me details outside the fact that she was paralyzed or that she couldn't talk. She just says her recovery was difficult as blanket statement, she hasn't really shared any details."

"Yeah... it wasn't... it was difficult to watch so I can't even imagine what she was going through every second of every day. It hit me even more after I gave birth to Aria... imagining my child ever going through something like this... it put it all in perspective for me. It's odd but Aana is the realest person amongst us cousins, which is why I always dump Aria on her not that she complains because she love it too. They're two peas in a pod and I want Aria to learn as much as she can from her." She giggles. "After Nani and Nita, it's Aana who I blindly trust my kid with. I've listed her as Aria's guardian should anything happen to Raees and myself."

Holy shit.

"I didn't realize you felt that way about her."

She shrugs. "As soon as I found out I was having a girl, I knew what I was going to name her. Raees and I talked about it. I made all the necessary arrangements, trust fund, paperwork... everything. I know Aana would teach my daughter the right values and she'd honor our traditions so it was a no brainer."

I swallow and nod my head. The significance of what she's telling me is not lost of me.

"That's... does Ana know? I mean, I didn't realize you were that close."

"She does. It was a really emotional and heavy conversation when we first had it but it brought us closer. Growing up she was always the honorary Kapadia sibling. We were all friends but in terms of being close, that didn't happen until after she left for college. She was always with Kiran and Vishaal but now she's grown out of their shadow." She gives me a small smile and I return her the same.

I need to change track but there's so much more that I want to know and understand.

"She told me Abdul Karim was distant with her."

"Yeah, he became increasingly withdrawn from her after the accident. He was... it was hard to read him. Only Aisha could tell what was going on his head. I've called him out on his shit about it but I could never get a straight answer out of him."

It doesn't make sense. How could he not want to be by her side in her time of need?

"She's devoted to you guys, she talks about you all the time."

"We feel the same way about her but I sense her hesitation sometimes, she can be taciturn at time. A lot of things changed after her accident. When she left for college, I felt like we lost her completely that first year. I chalked it up to her living her life and the quintessential college experience but there's something that's been off... I guess after the accident that light in her eyes, it was never the same but ever since Aria and now that she's been with you... I feel like she's coming back. So thank you for that." She smiles at me.

I give her a small smile. Fuck, this is all heavy. "I have to thank you for giving her the glowing recommendation that helped her land a job at GEH."

"Oh yeah... you're welcome. I'm the reason why you guys got together... feel free to buy me an expensive car or vacation, I'll let you choose. You have my number, just text me when it's done." She sasses and I laugh. "I told your HR people the truth... that they'd be crazy to not hire her. She hasn't told me much about how things are at GEH but I'm guessing she's doing okay if you all haven't fired her yet."

I snort. "Rania, she's doing more than okay. She has the whole fucking building wrapped around her finger thanks to her chocolate chip cookies and not to mention she single handedly saved us almost $90 Mililon in less than 6 months and I didn't even find this out till my COO told me after I met Ana at the wedding. I didn't know her before at all."

"That's my girl. Just know that I taught her all she knows." She throws her hair over her shoulder and laughs. "No... but she has killer instincts, that shit can't be taught, you just have it. I'm not going to lie, we'd love her to be with AHAK again but I know she's meant for bigger things. As much as she loves the comfort of a simple life and routine but thrives in discomfort it's not something she actively seeks but I swear... we had this one deal in New York and we were losing a shit ton of money and she fucking stepped up and got us out of it. She was fucking scared but she did it anyway."

"Rothstein?" I ask.

Her eyes go wide. "She told you about it?"

"Yeah a little. His name came up on the GEH radar and she told me about him bribing the commissioner and to be weary of him."

She swallows. "Yeah... we've had security on her ever since that happened. She doesn't know it but we've had it as a precaution. Rothstein is a fucking snake and I don't trust him as I can throw him. While she was in SF it was fine because she was with family but when she went to WSU we resumed it... but then..." She looks at me and gives me a knowing smile..."We randomly caught a certain gentleman watching over our girl right after the wedding when she was in SF." She wiggles her eyebrows at me and I try to suppress a smile.

"Yeah, it was one of the first things I did when we got together. I didn't know if you guys had security on her or not, I didn't want to take any chances."

"Yeah, Benny clocked him from a mile away and almost ended him but then when the background check came back we were pleasantly surprised. I think Sawyer was his name?"

I laugh. "Yeah, Luke Sawyer. He's Ana's main CPO."

"Yeah, well... the gesture didn't go unnoticed. I knew you were in it for the long haul when I saw that. Then you sent the jet for her, not that she told us anything... I swear she always leaves out the good stuff... anyway, I was like... DAYUM. So then we had Benny call off the covert we had on her. I guess Mr. One Hunnid doesn't half ass anything." She laughs.

"Yeah well, I take care of what's mine." I smirk.

"As you should... but seriously thank you. In addition to being happy, we trust that she's safe with you. That's all we ever want for her." She smiles genuinely at me and I give her a nod.

_They really are good people._

"You mind if I ask who's in charge of your security."

"Nani, Nita and Aana's security is private and separate from AHAK. Since the company went through quite a few security changes over the years, Benny is in charge of personal security where as the rest of us are provided security through AHAK. Nani has issues with trusting new people and Benny has been around since... well since we met Aana actually. Benny's brother served in the military with Ray's unit and Ray suggested Benny for the job, which he got. It took Nani a long time to warm up to him but yeah... now he's not going anywhere. Vishaal usually takes care of security as of late. Now we're working with some ex-Mossad people." She shrugs.

"Thanks for telling me, when I asked Ana if she had security and she said she didn't need it, I thought it was weird but what you're telling me now makes sense."

"Yeah we didn't want to worry her. She's been through enough shit in life."

We talk a little more then we hear Ana and Aria walk back to us.

"Mama, we're all bathed and in our jammies, ready for bed." Ana laughs.

Aria climbs onto Rania and gives her hugs and kisses. Once she's done she comes up to me and holds her hands up. Oh fuck. I look up at Ana in a slight panic. She gives a smile and nods. I swallow and gently pick her up. She barely weighs anything. Her hands are tiny and soft and she smells like lavender. Aria gives me a hug. She's so tiny and... I don't feel any sense of panic. I feel... safe.

"Goodnight Chwischin." She says in a small voice and smiles at me, then wriggles out of my embrace and walks to Ana asking her to pick her up.

"Okay everyone, Shabakhair." Ana waves at us.

"Shabakhair." Aria says and they walk back.

"My kid likes you which means... she's definitely bringing a white boy home. I gotta discuss this with Raees and mentally prepare him." We both laugh.

"What did they say just now?" I ask.

"Shabakhair means goodnight or may there be peace throughout night, in Farsi and Urdu." She smiles at me.

A little while we hear Ana singing on the baby monitor. Rania takes a quick call and I walk to Aria's room and see Ana holding her as she walks around swaying and singing to her.

_We all wrangle with religion  
We all talk, but we don't listen  
We're all starving for attention then we'll run  
We're all paper, we're all scissors  
We're all fightin' with our mirrors  
Scared we'll never find somebody to love_

_We're all good, but we ain't angels  
We all sin, but we ain't devils  
We're all pots and we're all kettles_

_But we can't see it in ourselves  
We're all livin' 'til we're dying  
We ain't cool, but man, we're trying  
Thinking we'll be fixed by someone else_

_Just tryin' to hold it all together  
We all wish our best was better  
Just hopin' that forever's really real  
We'll miss a dime to grab a nickel  
Overcomplicate the simple  
We're all little kids just looking for love  
Yeah, don't we all just want somebody to love?_

Once she's done, I see her gently lay Aria down in bed, tucking her in and kissing her forehead. She walks out and is surprised to see me.

"Hey, everything okay?" she whispers.

"Everything's perfect. I just missed you." I kiss her.

"Well I'm here now. Let's get out of here before the gremlin wakes up." She giggles and we walk back to the living area.

"Guys, really though, can you get married and please have a baby." Rania says in all seriousness.

"Rania, for fucks sake." Ana chides.

"What? Come on... I'm serious. I'm bored and Rania needs a playmate." Rania groans and I try to suppress a laugh.

"You want us to get married and have a child to cure you boredom?"

"Listen to me, this is every married couple's MO. It's a disease and we want everyone to have it."

"Whenever we do get married and have kids, they will be in Seattle... which is far from San Francisco. Not exactly conducive to play dates."

Rania takes a sip of her wine and deadpans. "I don't see the problem here, we have a jet and you have a jet?"

Ana facepalms herself and I laugh. "You have lost your damn mind, Rania."

"Mr. One Hunnid, please shut her up and knock her up."

"Yes ma'am. Working on it." I salute Rania and Ana gives me the death glare but falls into a fit of giggles when I kiss her cheek.

...

"Baby?" I call her, kissing her shoulder.

"Hmm?"

"How was your talk with Rania?"

I feel her tense.

"Look at me baby."

She slowly turns around but doesn't look me in the eye. "I... it didn't go well. I got scared at the last minute. I saw her face and the concern on it... I just... " She goes silent and takes deep breaths.

"You know she loves you and trusts you right?"

"I know." Her voice breaks. "It's just that... Jose and I talked about this, he understands my reticence to telling the family... it's not just the pain of reliving everything while telling her but also, to see her heart break and the guilt she'll live with once I do. That will be even more heartbreaking for me... she's a protector and I know how she'll react."

I pull her in for a hug and hold her tight, after a while she pulls away wiping her tears.

"I will tell her, I promise, I just need to ease her into it... or myself into it. So far I told her that Vishaal wants the nature of our relationship to change and that he wants to marry me, which is true. He's said that shit to me every now and then since..."

_Must. Remain. Calm._ "What did Rania say to that?"

"She was disgusted and pissed that he did that. It made sense to her why I recoiled from him and don't hang out with him and now Kiran so much anymore."

I lean in to kiss her. "I like Rania and Raees. They really love you."

"Yeah, they're silly but such great people. No hidden agendas and always real. I've not hung out with them like this... at all actually. I'm glad that it was with you and you could meet them. Thank you for being here with me." She says softly.

"No place I'd rather be baby." I stroke her cheek.

"It was really sweet how you picked up Aria today. You're a natural."

"It was... well, I was apprehensive but I didn't feel the sense of panic I thought I would."

She runs her hand through my hair and smiles. "Babies are harmless, I know you don't like to be touched and it will take time but I think little moments like tonight can help you get to a place where you feel safe again."

I pull her hand to put it over my heart. She tries t pull away. "Ana, I want you to touch me. I know you try your best not to but I want you and need your touch."

"I don't want to hurt you." She says with tears falling from her eyes.

"You could never hurt me. I want you to touch me, Ana. I want you to love me." I say with a strained voice.

She tentatively puts her other hand on chest and leans in to kiss me. I wait for the burning feeling to come up, the bile to rise up and the smell of smoke but it doesn't. I feel my chest constrict a little but I breathe through it, focusing on the love she's giving me. We're now sitting up and she straddles me and her hands travel to the back of my neck, one hand pulling on my hair while the other gently travels down my back. Exploring, caressing and healing me with her soft hands and gentle strokes on my skin. We get lost in each other and she pulls away and looks into my eyes and wipes the tears from them. I didn't even feel the dampness on my cheeks.

"I love you, I will always love you. I'm yours." She breathes with a wavering voice with tears in her eyes. I feel her body start to tremble and her tighten her hold on me as she comes.

"Mine."

* * *

_Sunday, March 1st, 2020_

**CPOV**

I feel Ana stir and hear her whisper. I pull her tighter and nuzzle her neck, letting my hand roam her body. _Why is she up so early?_

"Hi mama... no, I was a awake... just thinking and being lazy..." she speaks softly and giggles throughout. "Hmm... yeah sure.. okay... need me to bring anything...oh he's picking her up? Well I'm nearby so I'll ride with them... are you sure you don't need anything... okay mama... I see you in a bit." She hangs up and I see her start to text someone. I open my eye and try to focus on her screen.

AS: Morning Benz! Can you pick me up from the Fairmont after picking up Rania? Pretty please?

AFBenny: Do I have to?

AS: Do you want brownies?

AFBenny: I'll be there in an hour. Do not be late. And tell pretty boy not to tail us.

AS: Pretty boy takes orders from my man... not much I can do there.

"Texting other men while you're in bed with me? Miss Steele, I'm a very jealous man." I growl.

She giggles. "Don't worry you're my only man... all these other boys are a means to an end."

"I still don't like the sound of that." I bite her neck.

"Stop, you savage. I need to get ready. Benny is picking up Rania and I'm hitching a ride with them to the house."

"Do you have to go?" I realize I sound like a whiny child.

"I want to help out with setting everything up. I don't want Mama and Nani doing it by themselves so Rania and I are going to help. Plus I have to make brownies for everyone."

"Stay in bed with me." I grumble.

"Learn to share Mr. Grey. I'll be back in bed with you tonight... besides if you're a good boy, maybe I'll let you fool around with me in the entertainment room in the basement." I interrupt her giggling by slipping to fingers into her and making her moan.

"I'll take what I can right now and then later on too. I'm a greedy man, Miss Steele." I curl my hand under her neck and pull her face to me to take whatever I want from her. I know how much she loves it when I hold her this way. She's completely mine.

"Christian... ahhh...I have to get ready." She says out of breath.

"Not until I have my way with you." I lift her leg and slide into her making her gasp. She doesn't protest any further but loses herself in our rhythm. "You're always so tight and wet baby." I roll my hips into her and she throws her head back unable to speak. She's almost there... just a few more thrusts till she's mine. "Give yourself to me Ana... let go."

"Christian..." her voice is barely a whisper as she lets go. Her body shaking as her pussy clenches down on my cock and I feel the pressure build up as I empty myself into her. I hold on to her as tight as I can as I ride out the wave of my own orgasm and catch my breath.

I look down on her face and her eyes are still closed but her lips are swollen, her lips turn are most magnificent color even more so after we kiss or have sex. Her cheeks are flushed, burning bright with color. She slowly opens her eyes and looks at me, my two glimmering sapphires, darkened with lust and love.

"Good morning, Miss Steele." I smirk.

She giggles. "Good morning, Mr. Greedy Grey."

"Not going to deny that. I'm always greedy when comes to you."

"May I go and get dressed, Sir?" She raises an eyebrow and laughs. I'm still inside her and I feel my cock twitch... only she can do this to me and get me ready to go again.

"You're doing this on purpose."

"Serves you right for being Greedy. Now I barely have any time to get ready."

"Tonight, I'm going to punish you for this." I growl.

"Promises, promises." She winks at me and pulls me down to give me deep kiss.

...

I get into the SUV and we make the drive out to the AHAK family house from downtown SF.

"_hey sleepyhead, I'm leaving but I ordered you a little something to snack on. There's coffee too, didn't want you to be hangry when you meet the rest of my family... you're going to need your strength to endure the initial greetings." She giggles._

"_You're so thoughtful baby." _

"_Only because I love you. You're expected between 11 to 11:30am."_

_I sleepily nod. "Yes ma'am. What time is it now?"_

"_It's 8am but you should go back to sleep. I'll give you wakeup call at 10am." She leans in and gives me a kiss._

"_I prefer the earlier kind of wakeup call we had."_

"_Me too but I have to go now... Benny will yell at me. I love you Mr. Grey."_

"_I love you baby."_

I'm not nervous to meet the rest of her family but I'm apprehensive for Ana if that fucker shows up. While these reunions usually only happen during the holidays or around a wedding, Ana told me that when someone gets engaged the family usually hosts either a dinner or a brunch to help with introductions except this is a rather unusual but special occasion. Even though Ana and I are not officially engaged, Nani still wanted to do this to make me feel welcome into the family. It feels... well it makes me feel cherished. The dinner last night with Rania and Raees was eye opening too. All of this comes naturally to them, they know how to make people feel at ease and make them feel cherished and at home. It doesn't feel like an act at all, it's genuine. I feel no ill will from them... except for one person.

If someone had told me years ago that this would be my life and that I would so willingly accept this I would have laughed in their face and had them kicked out of Washington state. In the span of just a couple of hours Ana changed my life that weekend. I have now lived so much life since then and continue to do so.

CG: Hey baby, we're about 10 minutes away.

AS: Perfect. Everyone is here and excited to meet you.

CG: I'm looking forward to meeting them too.

AS: This is going to be a disaster. Everyone is already teasing me. Haha.

Sawyer turns into Presidio Terrace and we pull up in front of the house. I see Ana walking down the steps to meet me.

She tiptoes and throws her arms around me neck. "Hi."

"Hi Baby, you look sensational." She's wearing eastern clothes again and cream white embroidered ensemble. She looks so young and full of life. Just like at the wedding.

"Why, thank you Mr. Grey. You look really handsome, which makes us quite the pair." She winks. I lean down and give her a kiss. I hold her face in my hands to deepen it more when we hear catcalling and whistling.

"I forgot, the heathens are waiting..." she pulls away and rolls her eyes and turns around. "GO INSIDE YOU EMBARRASSING LOSERS" she yells and a everyone led by Rania runs back inside. "Any last requests?" she turns back to look at me.

"None. Let's go get this over with." I smirk and she laughs.

We walk in and see Aria running through the corridor.

"Hi Aana Khala, hi Chwischin." She waves and the runs back and we follow her into the main family room. I can sense Ana's nervousness.

The moment we walk in there are loud cheers.

"PLEASE STOP YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE HIM RUN AWAY." Ana groans and yells making us all laugh.

They all start to make their way to us and Ana jumps in front of me and holds her hands out.

"WE NEED TO BE GENTLE." She warns and I chuckle again.

Rania leads the pack but Ana shoos her away telling her and Raees they already had their turn.

"Christian, this is Aashu, Karan's sister who's getting married next month"

"Hi Christian Bhai, welcome to the family." She comes in for a slight hug. "I hope you're coming to the wedding." She smiles genuinely. Her energy reminds me of Mia.

"It's great to meet you Aashu and yes, I'll be there. Congratulations to you and Imran."

"Christian this is Ahad, Rania's younger brother." She moves to stand next to him and put her arm around his shoulder and it's hilarious because she's so short. "He's our resident scientist, he's gonna cure cancer... now all that's left if for him to find a pretty girl."

He groans. "Aanapa please... give it a rest."

"This is my job little one." She admonishes him.

"I'm only 6 months younger than you." He rolls his eyes "It's great to meet you Christian, I have loads of embarrassing stories to share with you. I've been waiting for this day for years." I chuckle and we shake on it.

We walk towards Nita and Nani to greet them. Once we're done head towards one corner of the room when Scooter and Kiran come up to us and I feel Ana tense.

Scooter and I shake while Kiran gives Ana a crushing hug. Ana doesn't really reciprocate but gives her a small smile and moves to hug Scooter.

"Guys, I just wanted to take a moment to say how sorry I am. It was honestly a mistake; I should've been a bit more careful, I know. I'm sorry." Kiran says apologetically.

"Kiran, I appreciate what you're saying but can we please talk about this later... in private maybe." Ana says.

"Yeah sure." She gives us a small smile and both Scooter and her go to find themselves a place to sit.

The conversation flows and everyone starts to catch up and talk about what they're up to. Ana tells me that even though they have a group chat, and talk to each other individually, there's always so much to talk about when they all get together.

Vishaal isn't here yet but I can sense Ana's apprehension. She's waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The main door opens and suddenly we hear a booming voice from the foyer.

"I HAVE ARRIVED MY FAITHFUL MINIONS." The British accent is a dead giveaway for Karan.

Ana gasps. "He said he couldn't make it." She bolts up and runs towards the front of the room as Karan enters. "If it isn't my favorite cousin in the entire universe." She says in her perfect English accent.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" Rania yells from across the room.

"You heard me." Ana sasses back and we all laugh.

"You know darling, I'd rather have you speak in your barbarian accent at least that way I can tell when you're lying or not." Karan laughs and pulls Ana in for a big hug and kisses her forehead. "How's my favorite cousin doing?"

"I'm good Bhai." She smiles at him. My eyes fall to Kiran and I see that she's not entirely happy with this exchange. Karan greets everyone, with the exception of Kiran who only gives an air kiss, everyone hugs Karan and jokes with him. When he finally makes his way to me, he gives me a firm handshake and a hug.

"Great to meet you again mate, welcome to the craziness. I'm guessing I don't need to give the whole you break her heart; I'll break your legs speech. It's implied I mean... you'd do the same for Mia?" He laughs.

"A 100%. They wouldn't find the fucker's body." I smirk.

"Great. We have an understanding then." He winks at me.

"You guys are so lame. Let's go eat." Ana rolls her eyes and walks off.

We all make our way to sit down in the formal dining room where there is an insanely extensive spread of Indian breakfast food. I'm seated between Aashu and Ana. Kiran, Scooter, Karan, Rania and Raees along with Aria are across from us with Nita and Nani at either ends of the table. We dig in and they all take turns explaining what the food is and it tastes fucking amazing. As we begin, the front door opens again and I feel Ana's energy dip and I see Karan and her exchange a look. Vishaal walks in and everyone jumbles through their salutations with him. He moves in to kiss Nita on the forehead, followed by Kiran and then walks over to greet Nani but he leans in and she lightly taps his hair in acknowledgement. She seems distant with him.

We all continue to talk as everyone tells me tales of Ana's antics and she groans. At one point, Rania leads the pack and starts to address me in French and everyone joins in with Ana and Raees being the only ones who are out of the loop.

"Aren't you going to stop this?" Ana looks towards Nani.

"Pourquoi devrais-je?" _Why should I?_ Nani responds with a laugh.

Ana throws her head back in frustration and we all laugh at her expense. She clears her throat and commands attention.

"First, I would like to announce that effective immediately you all are DISFREAKINGOWNED and second, you smell that chocolatey goodness? None of you are getting those brownies. I'm giving both batches to Benny."

Everyone whines and begs her not to and we all laugh. I kiss her cheek and she narrows her eyes at me and sticks her tongue out. The banter is hilarious, they're all witty and engaging and it's refreshing to be around people who have no ulterior motive towards me. They've been nothing but kind and genuine. It feels like family. I can see why Ana misses this so much. I can see why she can't let go.

"So Aanapa, when are we going to see another tabloid article of you singing and dancing in a pink wig?" Ahad teases.

"When you agree to join me on stage with a lime green wig little one." She deadpans and we all laugh.

"Has it really been that bad though?" he asks

"Yeah man... like I just wanna go to starbucks in my sweats but that Carmela woman has her spies everywhere. It's annoying. I miss the sun, I feel like I'm turning into a vampire." She giggles.

"Honestly, you're overreacting." Vishaal speaks up. He's across the table to my left and Ana whips her face to him. The room goes quiet.

"Honestly, your ill-informed opinions aren't welcome, Vishaal Bhai." She enunciates the word Bhai and I know what's she's doing.

My fists clench, but I keep my eyes on her. God she's beautiful in every single way but I love it when she stands up for herself. She moves her hand to hold my mine and strokes her thumb across my knuckles and I start to relax only slightly. She's completely calm and I don't know how she's doing this.

"You need to learn respect." He raises his voice.

"You need to learn how to earn it." She raises and eyebrow.

He starts to say something else but it interrupted.

"Vishaal, enough." Nani's cool and collected voice fills the room.

"Are you not going to say anything to her?" He's obviously taken aback from her interjection.

"You started this, I am ending it. We are moving on. Christian, please excuse this interruption but you know how family can be unfortunately, it's never really a successful reunion unless we have a tiff." She smiles at me and I nod.

Vishaal scoffs and gets up to leave from the table.

"Aana, that was uncalled for." Kiran looks to her. "He has only tried to help you."

"That comment was not him helping." Ana bites back. Kiran gets up and goes after Vishaal and the room is still dead silent.

"Fuck... MAMA MY WATER FINISH" Aria's little voice cuts through and we all lose it.

"RANIA..." Ana yells laughing.

"Why do you all always yell at me? She is 50% of her father's DNA too." Rania groans and Raees clutches his belly trying to control his laughter.

"Bachay, I have missed that snap." Karan claps in appreciation.

"What's a snap?" I ask. I remember that Jacob guy making a similar comment at the Gala.

Ana looks at me and giggles. "It's their nickname for my smart mouth."

...

It's a warm day and we're sitting in the backyard on couches while some lay on a sheet laid out with cushions. This is part of the family's reunion tradition. Sometimes they play badminton, some times they lay around in the sun drinking tea and eating oranges with salt and pepper catching up on life and sometimes they sing and play games.

Ana tells me this only happens two or three times a year given how everyone leads separate lives but they all try to come together for important events and spend time with each other.

Vishaal hasn't come down since the tiff at breakfast. Kiran is mostly quiet and Scooter is otherwise engaged with us while Ana seems to ignore the tension and carry on.

"Christian, have you met Gremlin Aana?" Karan asks while flashing a smirk to Ana.

"I don't believe I have. This I have got to hear." I chuckle.

"I'm definitely going to jail for homicide this weekend." Ana narrows her eyes are Karan.

"Oh brother, prepare to be enlightened." Karan rubs both his palms together and stretches his arms upwards and gets comfortable. "During Rania's wedding festivities... it was Day 1 of the major events and we got done from all the partying... it was after 2 am and Aana was in a foul mood. She was hungry and angry and on the precipice of delirium."

"In other words I was raging bitch that night after the event." Ana rolls her eyes.

"Bachay... your words, not mine." He shrugs while we all laugh. "So we all decide to go to the Mcdonalds drive-thru before we retire to our rooms for the night. In my car, I had Rania, Kiran, Aana and Priya. We had I think two cars behind us with the rest of the cousins?... Anyhoo, we get to the drive thru and the car in front of us is taking a little longer than usual to place their order... meanwhile all this time, Aana is deathly silent and not participating in any conversation... at all. She's just... I believe seething would be the accurate word to describe her. Then... out of nowhere, she opens her door, climbs out, and walks to the car in front of us and literally screams at the passenger side window... "HURRY THE FUCK UP." And walks back to our car and sits back down and acts as if nothing happened... then she barks her order to the mcdonalds rep... and guess what she ordered?"

"Keep going... just tell me the story this is too good..." I try my best not to laugh

"I love how you're not interrupting his story time but me... you interrupt mine all the damn time." She sasses at me.

"This gremlin orders a 20 piece chicken nuggets, with a large fries and large diet coke and doesn't share a single one with us. She just sat in the back eating and I swear I heard growling noises... like a fucking gremlin gnawing on fresh meat."

We all fucking lose it and Ana looks at us, trying to suppress a smile but she's beet red and shaking her head.

"I can confirm the growling noises." Rania says in between her laughing fit.

I look at her and kiss her temple trying to control my own laughter.

"I fucking hate you all... and in my defense I had had shitty day while flying in from Portland." She says trying her best not to smile.

"Yeah brother... you're all on your own with this one. It was nice knowing ya." Karan says his piece and continues to laugh.

"I've definitely met a hangry Ana but I'm really intrigued by this Gremlin character you mentioned. I guess I'll meet her soon enough."

"Be careful for what you wish for." Ana smirks.

...

"Karamoo, pick up me up, pweez?" Aria comes to Karan with her arms raised and he stands and throws her in the air and she squeals in delight.

"What did Aria call him?" I ask Ana who's leaning in close to me with her head on my shoulder.

"She called him Karamoo. It's actually supposed to be Karan Mamoo. Mamoo is the urdu word for a maternal uncle but since she's a baby she doesn't separate the words so easily. Similarly, Ahad is Ahamoo."

"That's sweet."

"Technically you could have a name too. You would be Chwischin Khalu. Khalu is a word for a maternal aunt's husband. So right now she calls Daniel Dani Khalu. Kiran is K-Khala."

"I think it's so special you all have these names for different relationships."

"Special names for special people. Once we're married, you'll be Chwischin Khalu." She leans in to give me a quick kiss.

...

**APOV**

I feel my OCD start to kick in as I see the tray full of empty cups and orange peels on the table. We all are lost in conversation; Christian, Karan, Ahad and Daniel are talking sports and taking this baseball crap way too seriously. Kiran has barely said a word to me. She's been on her phone or talking to Rania and playing with Aria for the most part. Nani is taking her afternoon nap while Nita is talking with Aashu about all things wedding. Thank god she was in the bathroom when the little blowout with Vishaal happened. She would've definitely been disturbed at the exchange. Poor Raees is passed out on a floor cushion and it's fucking hilarious. We all took embarrassing pictures of him and sent it through the group chat. Him and I might end up sharing a cell together before the day is over after we murder everyone.

I make my way to pick up one of the trays and head inside to clean up a little. I feel myself getting tired so I endeavor to drink a little bit more water and get some hot tea and join everyone again. I quickly put away the dishes into the dishwasher and throw out the trash.

I'm so happy Chrisitan is enjoying himself, even if it's at my expense. He looks so young and carefree. I look out the window and seem him laughing with Karan and Daniel. He looks so at ease and beautiful. All things considered I think this weekend has been great for us. I'm glad he got to spend time with my family and see things for himself and experience why I love them so much. If anyone had told me back when I started at GEH that I'd have Christian Grey in my family's dining room eating Halwa Puri and paratha anda for Sunday brunch, I would have peed my pants laughing at the thought.

I shake my head and gather a new batch of plates and oranges. I turn around to drink another glass of water, looking out the window before I leave with I hear a loud smack on the island behind me.

A shiver runs through my body and I feel my heart drop to my stomach.

_No._

_Please._

_No._

_Not like this_...

* * *

**Authors Note**: Oh shit.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - Chapter 47-48

**Music:**

Somebody to Love - Kacey Musgraves


	49. Chapter 49

Damn... y'all really hate a cliffie but then again it's been a while since I did one. Haha.

**tullocsophia:** DED. Best review to this chapter so far.

**gowildcats & bandrocks**: your reviews had me dying of laughter. I love you guys. I'm sorry for mini heart attacks.

**jeimont1210:** holy moly, THANK YOU. that is a lot of reading. thank you for joining us all on this dramatic rollercoaster. I'm glad you can relate to the family dynamics. I guess it's true for A LOT of immigrant families.

Everyone else, I SEE YOU and I LOVE the fact that you take the time out to review. YOU DA FREAKING BEST. Stay safe my fellow fanfic familia. I've messaged some of you via PM to reply to your reviews too!

A quick reminder: This is an HEA I promise and that this is Ana's fight and she will overcome her fears, also check out the pinterest page for the food stuff.

* * *

Chapter 49 – Family is Family, Part III

_Sunday, March 1st, 2020_

**APOV**

_I shake my head and gather a new batch of plates and oranges. I turn around to drink another glass of water, looking out the window before I leave with I hear a loud smack on the island behind me._

_A shiver runs through my body and I feel my heart drop to my stomach. _

_No._

_Please._

_No._

_Not like this__..._

I slowly turn around and see Vishaal standing on the other side of the island. _Do not let him see your fear, Ana. You need to remain calm._

I raise an eyebrow and wait for him to speak.

"That was quite the stunt you pulled."

"You were asking for it." I calmly retort back.

He scoffs. "You think that just because of you have a so-called boyfriend that you can let that snap run wild?"

"So what, you can dish it but you can't take it? Oh wait, that's right... you've never been good at improvisation. That's always been my talent."

He has the audacity to smirk. I know he's enjoying this being the absolute piece of shit he is.

"You need to make him sign this." He pushes the folder sitting on the island in my direction.

"What is it?"

"An NDA."

"Four words; Nani's. House. Honor. Code." _Seriously, bro. This is your game? This is what you're coming at me with. He really is fucking desperate._

"The honor code is bullshit. He's not a spouse and I'm the CEO of AHAK now. He needs to sign this."

"He will be my husband soon and he's not signing shit." _I feel my fear dissipate now. I can do this. _I see his face harden. Yes. That got him.

"You really have forgotten your place."

"No, as I told you in Seattle, I have found my place and you need to back. The. Fuck. Off." I cock my head to the side and smile.

I see his face tense. "You're going to regret this Aana."

"You can't hurt me anymore, Vishaal. I'm not afraid of you. I'm not that sad little girl from 4 years ago." I spit out.

He laughs. "Oh Aana, you'll always had such a glorious fire in you... I've missed it."

I want to throw up now. I need to breathe. _Breathe, Ana. Breathe._

"I'm done with this." I move to carry the tray and he moves laterally in the same direction around the island. I quickly place the tray down and create more distance between us.

"You'd have to be really fucking stupid to try something right now. Christian is outside." I say try to calm myself.

"As always you're overreacting Aana..." he laughs. "I would however like to see what Christian is really made of."

"Stay the fuck away from Christian. I am warning you. You go after him in any way and I will not hesitate to blow everything up and end you in the process."

"So you're going to choose him over this family?" he raises an eyebrow.

"You made that choice for me 4 years ago."

"You're a fucking traitor."

"Takes one to know one." I smirk.

"You're still as naïve as the first day I met you. He's going to hurt you, Aana. Give it time but he will show his true colors." _Don't fucking patronize me you snake._

"That's fucking rich coming from you. Christian will never hurt me. Unlike you he has empathy and humility. He loves me and I love him, more than anything and we're getting married. I've come a long way from being that little girl who so innocently placed her trust in people. I know your game and I know how you think. You forget; I know your deepest fears Vishaal."

He smirks again. "You don't know anything, Aana. I didn't hurt you, I gave you what you needed, you just didn't know it at the time but I'm committed to making you realize where you really belong and how good things can really be."

"You sound like a deranged cult leader." He laughs but I'm not in the mood to join in. "This" I point to him and myself. "Never gonna happen. I'd rather die than even entertain the thought so you know what, just stop. For the family's sake, move on, live your life and find someone else. I am willing to be civil with you for the sake of the family if you do really move on but if you keep this up then it's your funeral."

"Now we're getting somewhere." He laughs again. "It's been a while since we played a game."

_ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE A STUPID GAME?_

"I'm not playing any games with you. This is real life. Just leave us alone. Nothing you could ever do would make me want to consider you as option."

"You may not want to but you eventually will end up playing the game. You always do and you always lose. It's not in your nature to back away from a challenge. It's what I've always loved about you and it's why we got along so well."

I take a deep breath as I feel a shiver run through me and pinch the bridge of my nose. _This dude is so freaking delusional sometimes_. "I've learned a lot in these last 4 years, Vishaal. So you know what, bring it. Do your worst... and know this, I will never leave Christian. I will _NEVER_ leave him for the likes of you."

"In that case, I dare you to marry him before the 3rd quarter."

"I'm not living my life according to your timetable."

"Honestly, it doesn't matter to me whether you marry him or not. You'll be back where you belong soon enough."

"You're not hearing me, I told you I am never going to leave him."

"Then marry him Aana. What's the problem? Don't you love him?"

"What the fuck are you playing at?" _He's being fucking weird. What the hell? Is this reverse psychology? What the fuck?_

"Play the game and figure it out." I see the delight in his face and it makes me want to retch.

"I am going to bury you."

"In that case, all bets are off." He smirks.

"It's the only game I'm interested in." _I WILL figure this out. I have to._

"How about we shake on it, for old time's sake."

"No, people with honor deserve a handshake... I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole right now."

"Soch lo, Aana. Meray main bohat sabr hai." _You want to reconsider, Aana. I have a lot of patience._ He laughs.

"Sabr meray doosra naam hai." _Patience is my second name. _I bite back.

He gives me his menacing smile...

...

**CPOV**

I notice Ana has been gone a while. I excuse myself from the guys and walk towards the kitchen. I climb up the steps and walk in through the back door and hear the faint sound of Ana's voice. When I get closer, I hear the fucker speaking in Urdu and Ana immediately replies. I walk towards her and she jumps a little as she notices me.

I look to Vishaal and stare at him as he smirks at her refusing to acknowledge me.

"Leave her the fuck alone." I grit out. Ana walks to me and holds my hand, willing me to look at her.

The fucker laughs out loud and walks away. I try to go after him but Ana stops me.

"No don't. Not in Nani's house. Please. This is what he wants, he's just provoking us." She begs me. I look back at her and I see tears in her eyes.

"What did he say to you?"

"Nothing. He was just trying to rile me up. Same shit as before."

"Ana, tell me."

"He wanted you to sign an NDA and I reminded him that we follow the honor code in Nani's house and that well... I told him to shove it up his ass. He thinks just because he's CEO of AHAK now that he throw his weight around" She giggles. _My brave and beautiful girl._

"Ana, don't keep anything from me." I stroke her cheek.

"I'm not. He was just saying random shit to throw me off. He's pissed that I'm standing up to him. That's all. I've never done that before in front of the family. I'd usually just stay silent or smile through it but now I'm not taking his shit so it's pissing him off."

"I'm so proud of you baby. Watching you tear him down like that was epic." I give her a soft kiss.

She giggles. "It was wasn't it? Too bad Nani shut it down cause I was ready to start a food fight."

I laugh out loud. "As always Miss Steele, you say the most unexpected thing... I love that smart mouth baby."

"And it loves you... so much." She tiptoes and pulls me in for another kiss.

...

Once Nani wakes up from her afternoon nap, we have another round of tea in the family room while everyone continues to mercilessly tease Ana. At one point she goes in to cuddle with Nita on the one of the couches begging to be saved from the torture but stories just don't stop and each one is more hilarious than the last. I wish I knew her back then. I wish we had seen each other when she visited Harvard that day. I know she would've changed my life for the better.

Ana, Karan and I are on our way to pick up dinner from the family's favorite Middle Eastern restaurant called Old Jerusalem but not before a quick stop for ice cream.

"Aria and Rania are going to murder us." Ana says as I feed her a bite of ice cream while she drives. Karan sits in the backseat and laughs out loud.

Karan snorts. "Those two drama queens live here, they'll be fine."

"Karan Bhai can you and Tony PUHLEASE bring your asses to Seattle. I'll take you to the Secret Garden for karaoke night and you can meet my GEH friends too. They're super fun."

"Bachay, I'll try my best. My schedule opens up a little in the summer but these next weeks are a little crazy till Aashu's wedding... what about you guys, you NEED to come to Miami already."

"Christian and I were talking about it, we're thinking the weekend of March 20th? I saw it was free on your calendar."

"Hold on, let me check." We hear him mull around bit. "Okay perfect, March 20th... your asses need to be in my city. Comprende?"

Ana giggles. "Yes, we will be there."

"So tell me Christian, what are you thoughts about our psychotic family?" Karan laughs.

"With the exception of one or two, they all seem pretty sane actually." I chuckle.

"Yeah, we tend to ignore those two every now and then." Karan groans.

"When I went to put the dishes in the kitchen, Vishaal showed up and told me that because he's CEO of AHAK, I need to make Christian sign an NDA."

Karan loses his shit in the backseat and it's contagious.

"I'm sorry, what now?"

"Yeah, I told him to shove it up his ass and that honor code applies at home given how we NEVER talk about business in the house anyway. He was like Christian is not your spouse. Honor code doesn't apply."

"Mate has got some serious issues."

"I told him Christian and I were getting married so it didn't matter what he wanted."

"TELL ME HE DIED. PLEASE. TELL ME DID." Karan is almost begging.

"If he did, our lives would be a hell of a lot easier." I interject and they both laugh.

"By the way, I told Rania a little bit."

"And?"

"I just told her that he talks about marriage... I couldn't tell her about..." Ana takes a deep breath. Karan puts his hand on her shoulder and gives it a squeeze.

"It's okay Bachay, take your time."

"Yeah I'm fine." Her voice is heavy. "Anyway, yeah I just told her that he wants the nature of our relationship to change and she almost lost it saying it was ridiculous of him to say that and to stay away from him etc."

"Well, Rania has always been the good egg. Will you ever tell her what really happened?"

"Yeah, I will." She wipes her face. "I'm working on it. I made her believe she's the only person who knows because if I told her that both you and Nani know she would've lost it even more. You know how she is, she calls everyone out on their shit... she probably would have gone to his apartment and murdered him and we can't have that happening till the Will is read or these new deals are squared away."

"Yeah, she's a real mama bear. Sometimes she can't think straight... listen it's your truth and if you need time then, take it... but you need to tell them at some point."

"Yeah, I know." She says wistfully. I pick up her hand and kiss it.

...

The conversation flows well throughout dinner. We mostly talk about Aashu's upcoming wedding and the logistics of dance practices and clothes that everyone will be wearing. They all tell me to make sure I'm wll hydrated since this will be my first full Indian wedding and give me various tips on how to survive it.

"Christian baita, now that we've told you all about our Aana, what are your thoughts? Nani asks with a smile and everyone laughs.

"Well, let's just say I'm seeing her in a whole new light." I smirk and look at Ana who rolls her eyes.

"We expect to see a ring on that finger ASAP, Mr. One Hunnid." Rania cackles and everyone cheers.

"Oh my god." Ana buries her face in her hands she groans.

"They'll be a ring on that finger very soon" I smirk and everyone claps. Ana goes beet red with the biggest smile on her face as she looks at me. I lean in and give her a small kiss and the whole room screams. It's hilarious and embarrassing but all in good fun.

"Okay now everyone settle down. Let's give poor Aana a break. We've teased her enough for a lifetime." Nani winks in our direction. "I want everyone to now tell me something interesting about their lives these days. It's been a while since I spent time with you all."

One by one all the cousins share interesting tidbits about what they've seen, worked on or who they've met recently. Ahad talks a little about his research. Karan shares details about his recent trip to Thailand and so on and so forth.

"What about you Aana?" Nani asks.

"Well, lets see... Christian and I attended a fundraiser for this hospital called Seattle-Mason and guess what, I ran into Jacob and Amy from across the street. Jacob and his wife Vic had triplets and he's been in Seattle for about a year or so and I'll be meeting them soon... in fact Vishaal bhai was there too, right bhai?" She looks at Vishaal and smiles at him and I see his face tense.

"You were in Seattle? When was this?" Rania whips her face to him. This is obviously news to her.

"It was February 12th, I believe... yeah it was then because it was the week of Valentine's Day." Ana laughs.

"I was there on business." His tone is clipped.

"We don't do business in Seattle, we lost that hotel deal." Rania says slightly confused.

"I said the same but Vishaal bhai said he was there to diversify..." Ana continues, taking a sip of her water.

"I was helping a friend out. I was helping them diversify their business by checking out some options." He gives a tight smile.

"Really? Maybe Christian knows them. Are they a well known entity in Seattle? I'm sure Christian must know them... he knows everyone." Ana offers and god, I could fucking take her right now.

"I'm certain that he doesn't know them. They're from the East Coast looking to branch out." He says icily and small smile.

"Oh well." Ana shrugs. "Anyway, so yeah, and yours truly helped $5.5 Million for the fundraiser by shaming rich white people, present company excluded of course, into giving their money... " She kisses me on the cheek and everyone claps.

I lean in to her ear. "Have I told you how much I fucking love you?"

"You have but I still wouldn't mind if you took the time to fuck me and love me tonight." She whispers back and wiggles her eyebrows. God, I really have literally and figuratively hit the fucking jackpot.

...

"Ana baby?"

"Hmm?"

We're sitting the tub facing each other. She's been lost in thought for a few minutes, looking at the bubbles. She becomes incredibly still during these times, almost like she's not even really here.

"What are you thinking about?"

She looks up at me and swallows but then shrugs. "Nothing, really. Just going to miss them all."

"Well, you've threatened everyone so who knows they might actually show up in Seattle."

She gives me a small smile. "Yeah... it's a miracle I didn't get dumped or end up in jail given how my street cred is shot to shit... then again the night is still young... anything can happen..." she giggles.

"Your family really had a lot of dirt on you." I smirk.

"I know... it's a miracle I'm letting them live right now... but serves me right, I've been a pain in the ass since the beginning." She giggles. "There was this one time, whatshisface, Kiran, Karan and Rania came to Montesano for a weekend with Nani and I mean... there wasn't all that much to do there but Ray and Nita tried to make the best of it... Ray and I took them to the shooting range and after we went through all the safety checks, we went to one of the target practice area that was a little more creative and fun with like bottles and beer cans and stuff arranged in intricate patterns. Any way, I load my gun and start shooting..."

"Wait a minute, how old were you?"

"I was 14."

I swallow. This is fucking scary. "Okay continue..."

"So yeah, I shoot my rounds and when I'm done, my score was obviously perfect... I mean look at me... " I chuckle. "And I look at all of them... they're honestly shitting their pants except for Rania who literally screams and claps... "DO IT AGAIN" Like the psycho she can be sometimes." She finishes and into a fit of laughter.

"I can't believe Ray took you for target practice at that age."

"Christian, he taught me how to disassemble, clean and put back together a Glock when I was 10. I mean, the poor thing was just teaching me things to keep me busy. He was a Marine, raising a little girl. He did the best he could. "

I shake my head. "There's this whole other side to you that's honestly pretty fucking scary."

She points a finger gun at me and clicks her tongue. "That's right and don't you forget it."

I chuckle. _My little Annie Oakley._

"Do you miss it?"

"I miss doing those things with him more. I mean, Sawyer asked if I wanted to go for target practice and as much as I would love to, I know how you feel about guns and also now that the press are watching my every move, it's out of the question. I understand your position and I agree with it but for me, it was always about having a skill in the event I found myself in danger and going for target practice is being in a safe and controlled environment... not like I'm going out into the fields and shooting random shit. Had Ray been alive and I was in Seattle, he would've insisted I get a CPL permit."

I silently nod, looking at the water. Thank god she doesn't have a gun anymore. Fuck, Ray probably would've shot me if I made her cry.

"He just wanted me safe Christian. It's why he taught me self-defense too... though I've pretty much abandoned everything he taught me. Even Benny gave me pepper spray, mace and a taser for college. I still have the taser, though I think he secretly wanted to give me a gun."

I laugh. "He really likes you."

"Yeah, even though he acts like a fucking grouch. He feels a certain level of responsibility towards to me because Ray was a fellow serviceman and he also kinda got him the job with Nani and Nana. Even if these men don't serve together; they have a blind sense of loyalty to one another for the mere fact that they chose to serve. Sawyer used to be a grouch too but as soon as I told him about Ray he eased up and now we're best buds." She gives me a small smile.

"Not really sure I'm all that happy you're friends with Sawyer given that his pretty boy status." I grumble.

"You think Sawyer is a pretty boy? AWWW" she laughs.

"You know what I mean." I growl.

"Well, trust me Sawyer is not a threat... he's an honorable man."

"He better be or I'll fire his ass and blackball him from every form of employment."

"You wouldn't dare. I adore him, besides he _truly_ isn't a threat... not that it's any of your business but he would rather discuss my shoe collection than anything else."

Oh... now I feel like a real shit. How the fuck did I miss that? His background check did not reveal any history of relationships or any inclination of his sexual orientation.

"I see the wheel turning, Grey." She giggles.

"Yeah, I didn't realize."

"It's okay but even if he wasn't... given his profession and training, he would be a real dumbass to try and hit not only his boss's girlfriend but also his billionaire boss's girlfriend. Before you even got to him, I would've ripped him a new one and Taylor would've beat the shit out of him for misconduct."

I laugh out loud and she joins.

"You never told me how practice was going with Sawyer?"

She shakes her head. "Not well. There's a lot I need to work through. I kept freezing up. Sawyer is really trying to help and he's a great teacher but it will take some time. I don't really trust my body or my instincts, the fear is just... it's in my bones." Her voice wavers and her face tenses as she plays with the bubbles.

"Does it bring back any bad memories?"

"No, surprisingly not... I thought it would... who knows maybe in the future it could but most of my fear stems from waking up that morning. The fear and realization of now knowing what happened to you."

"Have you tried to retrace your steps from that night? Maybe to find a clue and possibly a clearer picture of what really happened?"

She shakes her head again "That would mean asking Kiran and Rania questions about that night and that alone would raise other questions... it's like opening pandoras box."

We get out of the bath and dry ourselves and head back to the bedroom to lay in bed in each other's arms.

"Do you remember anything from that night, where you went, what you drank... anything?"

"I mean aside from the flashes I got when I met Akash, I have these really vague memories... getting dressed in Kiran's hotel room and according to Rania we went to his apartment to chill out and pre-game and I had an all out argument with him where I shut him down about a sexist comment he made, apparently I was really rude to him which was unusual. Again, I don't remember this but Rania said he was pissed at me but then it was soon water under the bridge and him and I were dancing. I don't remember any of that... I remember blue light, I guess that's from the club and my body feeling heavy and being unable to move. I'm guessing I was either drugged or my brain blocked it all out... and honestly, I don't know which one is worse because with the latter it means it could come back to me one day and that will be a new obstacle for me to get over."

"Where were Benny, Nani and Nita in all this?"

"Benny was in New York with Nana and Nani. They had been there for a week or so and were due to return back home that weekend. We went out on a Friday night and they came back Saturday night. Nita and Alia Khala went to LA to shop for Indian clothes and check out on some of the philanthropy stuff they were working on. It wasn't entirely odd for me to be alone at home that year once I got the all clear from the doctor... I mean you have to understand; everyone was always fucking hovering over me that I welcomed being alone and the independence... Rania would check in on me every now then, Vishaal came to see me everyday for a bit... I'd go out for walks and stuff. We used to have a housekeeper, Maria. She would stay behind sometimes. Presidio Terrace is really safe so break-ins weren't an issue. I don't know... I guess it was all just a freak turn of events, everyone being away."

"Did the housekeeper see anything?"

She shakes her head. "When I woke up that morning... " She looks up and closes her eyes, trying to stop the tears.

"I'm sorry baby, it's okay you don't have to tell me." I pull her close and kiss her forehead.

She breaks out into sobs, clutching to my chest. "No, it's okay... I.. I... j-just need a m-minute." She takes a few deep breaths and wipes her face. "I woke up in excruciating pain. I felt cold and I saw that I was naked. I couldn't really move... I just... I was so stiff. I immediately realized what had happened to me. It took me forever to get up from my bed and find some clothes to wear. When I finally did, I took some of my pain medication and took off my sheets because there were bloodstains on them... I struggled to get to the bathroom but I pushed myself through the pain and took a bath. The water stung... I just sat there covering my mouth trying not to scream..." She completely breaks down and I feel my own eyes burn as I hold her against me, kissing her temple and her face over and over again.

"I felt so dirty... I wanted to die and the ground to swallow me whole. It took me forever to get done... but I wore my clothes and washed my sheets in places there were stains then slowly carried them down and threw them in the machine for a thorough wash. I wanted to hide every aspect of what happened. Maria wasn't that great at speaking English but she was phenomenal at what she did and was a really sweet soul. I gave her money from the petty cash drawer along with a piece of paper to ask the pharmacist for Plan B. She got it for me and I took it.

I made the mistake of eating proper food and... it was painful for me... to..." her face tenses and she takes another breath. "I quickly realized I had to stick to liquids and yoghurts so that's what I did. I stayed in bed till Monday morning essentially. When Nita and Nani came home. They came up to my room on Saturday evening, I told them I partied too hard and made a joke about it. Nita was so sweet, she was like I'm never going to stop you from having fun but I want you to be careful... college will be a great experience for you but just be careful, don't drink too much. Then at Sunday dinner, I ate a little with them but right after made myself throw up to avoid having to go to the bathroom... the next morning I left for WSU. Nita and Nani came with me, we took the family jet to PDX and they dropped me off at my dorm and helped me settle in and then... Kate found me... the rest you know..." She ends with a shuddering breath.

I'm livid but she did exactly what I would have done. I became a master at hiding my pain after a good punishment session. The exception that I relished the pain, I thought I needed it. She didn't deserve any of it. She's always been so strong. I am fucking speechless. I am...

"I can't believe they don't suspect what a fucking piece of shit he is." I tried to rid myself the lump forming in my throat. "He's a fucking barbarian."

"What mother or grandmother thinks their flesh and blood is capable of something heinous like that? Nani doted on him, he is the first grandchild in the family on both sides and she's fed him and bathed him... I mean... there are grown men out there who molest their own children and their wives never find out... it's complicated and heartbreaking but it's a reality. It doesn't make the situation okay but... like in your situation, yes you were manipulated to stay away from your family but in a way in your mind you were trying to protect them and not to break their heart and protecting yourself to not only see their heartbreak but experience a possible rejection... I get it. I mean Grace and Carrick also didn't pick up on what was happening to you... it doesn't make them bad parents, similarly it doesn't make my family a bunch of bad or heartless people... it's just that these things are complicated and I've also worked really hard to maintain a sense of normalcy. I had already become really quiet after the accident, I just became... quieter and whenever he addressed me in front of them I wore a smile on my face and went with the flow. Everything seemed fine, which is why this morning was such a surprise to everyone."

I pull her into a tight hug. "I wish I had known you then, I wish I could've been there for you. I wish... I had been there this afternoon."

She pulls away slightly and looks into my eyes with tears in her eyes. "You were with me. The thought that you were just outside gave me strength."

I give her a small kiss.

"What did he say to you Ana?"

"He hates the fact that we're together, that's all. It's pure jealousy."

"I don't understand how could he have wanted to do that to you after everything you overcame. You say you guys were close... then how?" I shake my head. I am at a loss of words.

"I was the closest to him. Growing up he was the one I got along with the most and during recovery he came to see me everyday even if it was for 10-15 minutes and when he was away, it was skype calls everyday." She starts to cry. "I'd rather not look back on it right now to be honest. They're just too many memories, what one would call good memories except now they're really painful and remind me of my stupidity for not picking up on what he was really doing."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause you pain by asking you these questions, I just... I want you to tell me everything. No matter how bad it is. It's not your fault Ana. You were focused on getting better but I want you to share everything with me Ana, the good and the bad. Especially the bad because you don't deserve to go through this alone. You have me now. I want to be your everything."

She silently nods, burying her face in my neck, pulling me closer as I kiss her temple and run my hand through her hair trying to soothe her.

"Can I ask you a favor?"

"You can ask me for anything baby..."

"Can I add you to my medical power of attorney. Since I'm with you almost all the time anyway."

I tense momentarily. _Why the sudden change?_

"Are you sure, I mean... what about Nita and Kate?"

"What about them? I've been thinking about this for a while now. Kate is moving on with her life now, Nita is here and I know that Grace will always guide you to make the right decision for me."

"Okay, I mean Travis can take care of it for us, he takes care of all my personal legal stuff in addition to GEH."

"Not Carrick or Grandpa Theo?"

"They give advice but in the end Travis takes care of everything."

She nods.

"Thank you for trusting me." _Even though I'm still at a loss at her wanting to trust me like this._

"I love you, how could I not trust you with my life? You make me feel safe and always want the best for me even when it pisses me off" She looks up and giggles with her tear stained face.

Her words floor me. I stroke her cheek and proceed to kiss her with abandon. Consuming her, possessing her, not letting her move. She moans into me as I take her hands and pin them above her head with my fingers locked in hers.

"Christian..." she moans as I leave kisses on her neck. Her skin is on fire like a fever, desire now coursing through her veins at full force.

"Tell me what you want baby..."

"You... I need you..." she moans and I raise my face to bite her lip and suck on it. "...make love to me Christian..." she's aching with need, arching her body up to me and locking her legs over my hips as I grind my dick against her clit.

I guide my dick to enter her slowly and she throws her head back moaning. "That's right baby, just like that. Let me hear you."

I take my time, feeling her build. Her eyes roll back and she's completely at my mercy. She moans my name with every other thrust. All these years of control and I'm unable to contain myself when it comes to her. I nearly lose it as soon as I slide my cock in her. Every. Single. Time.

She starts to tighten around me I don't want this to be over yet. I still myself and her breathing starts to quicken. "Hold on Ana, don't let go, not yet."

"I...I.. can't... Christian, I'm almost here..."

"No baby, just a little while longer. Look at me." Her eyes remain closed as she tries to get her breathing under control. "Look at me Ana."

She opens her eyes slowly and fuck, I'm a goner every fucking time. It's the most surreal and holy experience. Her face is pure beauty and ecstasy as she looks back up at me.

"You're mine."

"Yours, always..."

"I love you and I'll always protect you, Ana."

Tears form in her eyes and she nods, pulling me down to kiss me. I take my fill of her mouth again and begin to move in and out of her ever so slowly.

I run my hand from her face down her jawline to her neck and sternum as I reach down to knead her breast. _So fucking soft and smooth as silk._ A slight shiver runs through her body and she tightens herself around me once more but immediately relaxes herself.

"Please..."

"Tell me baby..."

"Christian... please don't stop..."

I roll my hips slowly in a circular motion and she screams out in pleasure, throwing her head back. I keep the rhythm going till she can't hold off anymore. She completely detonates around me and pulls me off the edge with her.

She's a glorious sight to see when she comes. I fall on to her shaking from my own orgasm and she throws her arms around me tightly, like she'll never let me go.

_This feeling never gets old._

We lay in silence for a while, caressing each and kissing each other.

"Hmm, you're making me hate Mondays Mr. Grey." She says with a smile against my lips.

I chuckle. "Pray, tell why that is Miss Steele?"

"After I started the cookie tradition at GEH, I became that insufferable human who loved Mondays... only because it was a chance to possibly meet new people and know about them. I have this incredible need to know shit... like Perez Hilton. I want to know all the gossip, not to tell others but like... just to know for myself."

"If it helps, you make me hate Mondays too."

"I'm so scared we won't feel this way forever."

"What do you mean?" I open my eyes to look at her.

"I don't want us to get sick of each other."

"Well, you might get sick of me but I know for a fact that I won't be able to get sick of you or that delectable ass of yours. You're too much of a mystery to me and I plan on uncovering even if it takes a lifetime.

She snorts. "You know what, stop objectifying my ass. And Christian, I'm hardly a mystery. You know everything about me."

I slap her ass and she giggles as I continue to rub my hands on it and squeeze it. "I mean yeah I know the highlights, I guess but there's still so much I don't now. This weekend alone... I feel like I got to know a completely different side to you. I know you're playful and animated but that was just a whole other level. There's still so much I don't know about you. What goes on in the mind of yours, I can never tell. You surprise me at every turn."

She plays with my stubble and traces her index finger around my lips. "Well I feel the same way about you. There's a lot that I still don't know. "

"Compared to you, I haven't really lived life. I made the money, grew the business but never really lived. I never really grew up. You on the other hand, have this insanely layered life with so many aspects to it and I learn something new every single day... everything about mine was pretty controlled with barely any room for spontaneity, personally that is."

"Do you ever crave that control?"

"Not really. Yes, in the business and in terms of wanting to you and my family safe but everything else... I want... more. I want everything with you."

She giggles. "Even with my, with the exception of a few, overwhelming family?"

I laugh. "Yes, even with them. Especially since they love me more than you."

She bites my lip. "You self-absorbed ass."

"Serves you right. Everyone in my life is obsessed with you... it's about time I was on the receiving end of some adoration."

"They just want you to trap my ass and knock me up." She rolls her eyes and giggles.

"Miss Steele, if you'd only let me, I would have trapped your ass weeks ago and by now have knocked you up."

She looks at me and places her hand on my cheek. "You really want to marry me?"

"I can't wait till I can call you Mrs. Grey."

Tears fall from her eyes "Why are you such a fucking romantic?"

I laugh. "You bring it out of me."

"My only concern with getting engaged is that my family is going to want throw and engagement party and... I just want to get rid of the bad eggs you know. I don't want them anywhere our happiness. I don't want them stirring any shit. I promise I will tell them Christian... I've just never had to face all this head on before..."

I kiss her. "I know baby... but I am not waiting past the 3rd quarter. As soon as that Will is read, I'm putting a ring on that finger and we are immediately getting married. Even if it means I have to drag you to Vegas. I'm already dying here."

She laughs. "Deal."

"Now tell me what ring you want."

"I ain't telling you jack shit, Grey. Go talk to Kavanagh. This is a right of passage for you... just know that I loathe diamond engagement rings. They do nothing for me." She sasses and I shower her with sloppy kisses making her laugh. "STOPPPP" but I don't. "Christian pleaseeee."

"Fine, I'll setup a meeting with Kate and figure this out."

"Make sure it's a little while after their engagement... let them have the spotlight for a bit."

"Kate can learn how to share the spotlight."

"Don't be greedy Mr. Grey."

"Can't help it. I'm a greedy fucker when it comes to you."

She rolls her eyes. "Do you want a big wedding?"

"I don't know much about that stuff, I just want to see you in a white dress and us to be married. Why, do you want a big wedding?"

"God no. I just want the people I love most to be there. Not sure, if I can have any south Asian traditions... people will probably think it's cultural appropriation on my part but... I mean I don't know. I know Nani and Mama will definitely want to do one south Asian event for us, even if it's small."

"Fuck what people think, Ana. They don't know what your life has been like and you have immense respect for their traditions... it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. As long as we're happy."

"I guess we're having a two day wedding then." She laughs.

"I suppose we are." I smirk.

"Karan is going to make you dance. Good luck trying to get out of that."

"Fuck no. I am not dancing. That is your department. I'll do the first dance... any of that intricate stuff you guys do, leave me out of it. No way I'm doing that."

"You're such a wuss."

"What did you just call me?"

"You heard me." She falls into a giggling fit.

"Well, future Mrs. Grey, I guess all we need to figure out is the ring, date and location."

"I like the idea of a destination wedding, something along the water kind of what we did for Kiran's wedding to ensure privacy but at the same time I'd love to hear what both our mom's think and want. I want them to be included in the process as well."

"I'm sure they'd be happy with whatever you decide."

"Yeah, but mom's have dreams too for the kid's wedding..." she muses. "I thought Kiran's wedding tapped me out creatively because she just asked me to do whatever and make it look good... I think I planned it like my own wedding... but now I have all these other ideas." She laughs.

"Well, everything was incredible... but I know ours will be even more beautiful."

"Of course, Mr. Grey... only the best for you." She giggles.

"and for you, Mrs. Future Grey."

She smiles and pulls me in for a kiss.

I stroke her cheek. "I can't wait to make love to you as my wife."

She smiles at me and runs her hand through my hair as tears fall from her eyes. "I can't wait till you're my husband... but till then, I think we should practice to make sure we're doing it right." she giggles.

"Agreed. Practice makes perfect..."

* * *

**Authors Note****:**The next few chapters them growing as a couple and date nights! Let the good times roll.

**Pinterest**: I realized I forgot to tell you all to check the pinterest board for the indian food that they ate at the brunch.

www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/


	50. Chapter 50

holy shit. Chapter 50... and it's a lemon tart.

just wanna say I love you all. You guys make me laugh so hard sometimes. Special shout out to **bandrocks **and** vamomoftwins**.

* * *

Chapter 50 – I'll always be loyal babe.

_Tuesday, March 3rd, 2020_

**APOV**

"How did wonder boy survive meeting the family?" Jose asks almost too eagerly.

"They fucking loved him and completely ratted me out. It was like celebrating my own execution." I groan as I stab a forkful of salad into my mouth.

"It's like I've taught you nothing. You need to rule these bitches with fear."

I laugh. "Well, it served me right... I used to be such a shit and teased everyone... I had it coming... but he really got along with them and thank God."

"So..." Jose wiggles his eyebrows

"So... what?"

"When are you guys getting engaged?"

I take a deep breath. "I've got some stuff to figure out but we will definitely be getting engaged, I mean we kinda are if you think about it..."

"I'm sorry but I don't see a fucking ring on your boney ass finger. If you ain't wearing a ring that's causing seizures then you ain't engaged, hag."

"Thank you, Jose for that fascinating piece of information. I'll be sure to pass that along to Christian."

Jose's face changes and he gives me that serious look. "What's wrong Ana?" He only says Ana in a professional setting or when he genuinely wants to check in on me.

"We can't talk about this here. Tonight when we hang out. Elliot won't be there till 7pm so we'll have an hour to talk and figure out shit."

"Just make sure you have some more of that fine ass wine. My nerves are fragile, I need expensive things to keep them from falling apart."

I roll my eyes.

...

Earlier in the day I texted Elliot a list of chocolate snacks to buy from the pharmacy. He's being initiated into our girl talk circle this evening so he has got to bring the goods. It'll just be Jose, Elliot and I. Mia is busy at the Mile High Club kitchen tonight while Val and Kate happen to be in New York at the same time for work, but are going to meet for dinner and watch chick flicks in Kate's hotel room... I love that they've all gotten close to hang out with each other even when I'm not around.

On my way back to Escala, I get a text from Elliot.

EG: Chocolate snacks have been secured.

AS: Good. Ready for girls night?

EG: Am I ever. My skin in need of some TLC, got any facemasks?"

AS: You are a shoe-in for girls night. Of course, I have facemasks. I'm not sure if we have beer though, you might wanna pick some up.

EG: Of course you guys don't. Christian is such a stuck up shit.

AS: DON'T SAY SHIT ABOUT MY MAN.

EG: Tell him to get the stick out of his ass and I won't.

...

Elliot is surprisingly amazing at girl talk. Actually, I shouldn't be surprised. He has no trouble communicating and can talk about almost anything along with having an amazing, childlike sense of humor which is why we get along. We talk about high school crushes, well they do, I was a complete idiot when it came to that shit. I had pretty much planned to date after college, while I was living large in New York.

"So how's the ring coming along?" I ask Elliot as I stuff my face with chocolate pretzels.

"YOU'RE PROPOSING?" Jose almost spits his wine out.

"Yeah, I'm trapping Kavanagh's ass." Elliot laughs. "Ring will be done this weekend, and next weekend... her ass is mine. Literally and figuratively." He wiggles his eyebrows and takes a sip of his beer.

"Damn. You work fast. You're my favorite Grey boy now. We gotta talk some sense into this hag."

Fuck. This again. Everyone is up my ass to get married. I didn't get to talk to Jose about the whole Vishaal situation, we got distracted by... food and catching up with Gail and then before we knew it Elliot arrived and now here we are after shitshow episode of 90 day fiancé. I need to talk to Kate. She's good at figuring out puzzles because I can't seem to figure out what Vishaal's end game is beyond wanting to marry me. There's something else. Why the fuck is he pushing me to get married? It can't be reverse psychology. Is it really reverse psychology because when I do marry Christian, that's a done deal, no way I'm leaving him then... fuck... I hate that I'm letting this consume my mind.

"Christian and I are essentially engaged if you think about it. We'll get married eventually. How about we let Elliot and Kate have this year to celebrate."

"Damn Steele, the fact that you're making my impatient ass of a brother wait..." he shakes his head. "Only you Steele, only you... good, it'll probably teach him a few things"

"Dios Mio..." Jose chugs down his wine. "If I lose access to this fine apartment and fine ass wine because you couldn't get your shit together to trap his ass, I swear to god I will bury you."

"Yes, Jose. I will tell Christian to marry me ASAP to facilitate your lifestyle. I'm sorry for being so insensitive to your needs."

"I knew you'd understand" Jose winks.

...

**CPOV**

Ros meets me in my office for our upcoming conference call with the Tokyo office. There's an opportunity for us to acquire a new shipyard to add to our existing portfolio. I am not looking forward to the prospect of having to go there if everything goes south given how Ros is on maternity leave for 4 months as of next week.

_I am going to die without her. _

But I'll never tell her that.

It's going to be like when I first started GEH, barely any sleep, all the fucking travel and meetings... I just found Ana and this going to cut into my time with her. Fuck. I love working, I really fucking do but I'm addicted to my time with her. In every way.

"You met the family this past weekend right?" Ros asks.

"Yeah."

"Well you obviously survived."

"They fucking loved me Ros." I laugh.

"I'm sorry what? Were they drunk? They loved... YOU?"

"It appears I can be quite charming."

Ros shakes her head. "I should've introduced you to Ana as soon as I became friends with her. Would've made my life a hell of a lot easier."

"Yeah, you should've." _I've always needed her. I just never knew it._

"Except she didn't want to meet you. I wanted to arrange a meeting with you right after she caught the Gotha mistake but she declined. Her exact words were "Uh, no thanks. He's always in a crabby mood." I knew then she'd be special."

I smirk. "Yeah... she told me about the few close calls she had of us meeting. She really knows how to wound my ego."

"Thank God someone does." Ros cackles. "So seriously, tell me... how's the family? How is the grandmother. I really want to meet her."

"They're great people. Really welcoming and hospitable and they love her a lot. It was a miracle they didn't actually marry us over the weekend. They kept telling me to put a ring on it."

"Wait... you want to marry Ana?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"I need some liquor." Ros gets up and pours herself some whiskey and gulps it down. "Fucking Christian Grey... getting married... I thought you were gonna die alone in that ivory tower. Damn..." She shakes her head and laughs.

"I guess I'm full of surprises." I chuckle.

"No, Ana is a freaking magician."

"Well, yeah that too."

"SO... when you getting hitched boss?"

"We haven't figured that out yet." _I wanted to marry her last year._

"Why the wait?"

"Ana's got some stuff to figure out... we'll get there." I shrug.

"I got a question by the way. I meant to ask at the Gala but it slipped my mind."

"What?"

"What the fuck is up with her cousin? He seems like a creep."

"Creep is putting it mildly."

She shrugs and we hear the phone ring.

...

I exit the elevator and walk towards the TV room, after I've poured myself a glass of wine. As I get closer I hear Ana squealing, along with Elliot and Jose laughing their asses off. I stand behind them at the threshold of the room. They're watching this actor, he looks familiar... form one of the comic book movies, I think Superman... I vaguely remember Elliot forcing me to watch it, he's reading sexually charged tweets it seems like.

All three of them scream in delight after the guy reads each tweet.

Ana reaches forward and pauses the video.

"Okay, listen... I know you guys think he's hot and yes he is but COME ON... Lean and muscular Henry Cavill is way better than buff muscular Henry Cavill... I mean that god damn porn stache they made him grow for mission impossible made me want to cry. Now he looks like a fucking block of cheese... no... I do not accept this."

"Steele, HE IS A HOT MAN regardless." Elliot counters.

"Hag, were dropped on your head as a child. LOOK AT HIS FACE? LOOK AT THE BEAUTY..."

"So? I'm just focusing on the accent. I'm playing the next one. Richard Madden is next."

I try to suppress a laugh. She plays the next video and an actor, I assume, with a welsh accent starts to read what are called 'thirst tweets'. Each one more raunchier than the next while these three girls laugh like a bunch of hyenas.

"Can we please talk about his butt in bodyguard?" Jose pleads.

"I thought you'd never ask." Elliot laughs... and it is beyond me how he can fucking take part in any conversation.

"T'was quite a toned butt." Ana laughs. What the fuck... I know he's an actor but I'm not entirely okay with her randomly discussing other men's asses.

Fuck this.

I walk in take my seat along the far edge of the sectional sofa.

Ana pauses the TV and they go quiet and look at me as if I stepped off of a spaceship.

"Oh shit, Hurricane Dorothy is here." Elliot warns.

"Yeah... and by the looks of it... we're at a category 1 about to skip to a category 5. Landfall is imminent..." Ana giggles.

"This I have gotta see." Jose sips his wine and gets even more comfortable.

"Hi" Ana smiles, all embarrassed.

"Please, don't let me interrupt, you all were discussing someone's ass." I say dryly.

"Honestly bro, you gotta see it to believe it." Elliot shrugs and takes a swig of his beer.

"How the fuck did you become part of girls night?" Seriously, this fucker has no problem ingratiating himself into any situation.

"Simple. I asked." He smirks.

"He's actually a natural." Ana giggles.

"And not bad on the eyes, thank god." Jose and Elliot high five.

Ana gets up from between them and walks over to me and sits in my lap, giving me a small kiss. Both Jose and Elliot groan like fucking 5 year olds.

"Fuck off you two." I growl and Ana giggles.

We watch a few more of these so called thirst tweet videos and Elliot's objectification surprises me most of all.

"What? I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to appreciate another man, bro." Jose and Ana cackle at Elliot's declaration while, I roll my eyes and shake my head.

"Guys, I petition Christian Grey to read some thirst tweets." Ana jumps off my lap and goes to pick up her phone. "Jose, open up twitter and retweet me."

"What the fuck are you doing Ana?" I grumble

"Sssh... trust me this will be fun." She looks back at me and winks.

"Yeah bro, live a little." Elliot chides and I'm this close to throwing him out of the window. I don't know why I'm acting like this. I know this is all fun but the fact that Ana is discussing other men's bodies bothers me.

After 5 minutes of back and forth with Jose Ana comes back and sits next to me.

"Now, we wait. I'll give it 10 minutes and I guarantee we'll have a barrage of thirst tweets for you." She wiggles her eyebrows

"Ana, this is not funny... you're attaching your name to some silly fad and..."

"Christian, please chill the fuck out and go with the flow... besides this is all anonymous. Both and I are anons on twitter. I'm hipstercurry and Jose is literally QueenJoselicious. We have fake pictures on our profile... we just use twitter to sound off random shit into the universe. We know what we're doing." She rolls her eyes and I feel my palm twitch. I want to spank the fuck out of her right now and then fuck the ever loving shit out of her.

_I know I'm being unreasonable._

We watch some more seemingly funny late show videos when Ana checks her phone and squeals in delight.

"LADIESSSSSS... we have liftoff! 500 tweets and counting..."

Jose scrolls through his phone and starts to laugh his ass off.

"Oh these are too good." Ana stands up and takes command of the room while facing us.

"One tweet reads: I'd let Christian Grey tell me he's my daddy." Ana screams laughing, with her head thrown back as Jose and Elliot join in. I am not at all amused. "Another one reads: Too bad Christian Grey doesn't fly commercial, I'd join the TSA just to pull him in for a 'special screening'... Oh god... these are TOO GOOD. I AM _DEAD_" Ana falls into the couch clutching her stomach laughing.

"Hold on... there's a tweet here... oh this is really NSFW... never mind... wait... okay this is good one: Christian Grey has the power to make resuscitate my dead vagina." You know... I don't disagree with this. I always thought Ana's vagina was non-existent so thank you for activating hers Christian." All of them lose their shit and I am still not amused.

Ana sits up and snuggles next to me and pouts "My my, Mr. Grey... so many admirers."

"I don't find this funny." I growl.

"Christian, its just a little innocent fun. You're a heartthrob and this is all appreciation." She kisses my cheek and I feel just an ounce of calm but still... I'm pissed.

"Oh shitttt, there is mention of Christian's butt...they want you to do a my Calvin's ad. You should do it bro, you've got a good butt... Right Jose?"

Ana and Jose almost expire with laughter while I give Elliot the death glare.

"Fuck off, Lelliot."

Ana looks down at me, trying to suppress a giggle. "Oh shit, Elliot, I think Hurricane Dorothy has made landfall."

"The fact that I still care that he's my employer means I'm too sober to agree OR disagree with that statement." Jose says while sipping his wine.

...

Once Jose and Elliot leave after dinner, Ana and I head into the bedroom. I'm in no mood to talk... I don't know why I'm letting this get to me.

I take off my shoes and socks, followed by my shirt and throw it to the side. Before I head out to start a bath Ana stops me.

"Christian?"

"What?"

"What happened?"

"Nothing."

She pulls me towards the bench in the walk-in closet, sits me down and straddles me.

"What's on your mind?"

"I said it's nothing, Ana." my tone is clipped.

"Did something happen on the Tokyo call?"

"No."

"Is this about the thirst tweet videos we were watching?"

"Maybe."

"Christian... that was just all in fun."

"Yeah, you were talking about these other guys... you obviously like them"

"Christian, they are freaking actors... I mean... it's just random girl talk... it doesn't mean anything. Are you seriously jealous of Henry Cavill? And Richard Madden" She tries to suppress a laugh.

"I don't know... I just didn't expect that from you."

"What? For me to check out other guys? Unattainable Hollywood celebrities? I'm not dead, Christian. I was sitting with my friends and talking random shit. It's not like I think about these guys on a regular basis. It was just funny videos... it's not like if they stood in front of me that I'd jump them. You're the only guy I wanna jump." She wiggles her eyebrows.

I remain quiet. _Why am I still feeling like this? Why am I jealous?_

"How would you feel if you heard me discussing other women like that... or heard other women objectifying me?"

"Uh... earth to Christian grey, I have heard MANY fantasies about you... like I need a brain bleach after the shit I've heard around GEH. People talk... and you can go ahead and talk about other women. Heck, I'll join you... I can appreciate a beautiful woman... as long as it's not a crass observation... I'm game to check out women too. I could spend hours talking about my crush on Gigi Hadid" She shrugs.

"Ros said something today. She said she wanted to introduce you to me after you found the Gotha mistake and you flat out declined because you thought I was always in a pissy and crabby mood."

"Yeah, I did. Why?"

"You have always dismissed me."

"CHRISTIAN! Oh my god... you're the owner of GEH... I didn't want to meet you because I didn't want to do or say something stupid because I didn't want to get fired. What if I had made an innocent joke or said something stupid and you took it as my being over friendly and yelled at me... I couldn't have handled that. So I thought it would be best to avoid you for as long as I could. It's not because I hated you. I was just... dealing with my own issues. I didn't want praise, I just wanted to do my job the best I could... I mean look at what happened when we first met, I literally dropped a cup and caused a mess. I was sure you were gonna fire my ass for incompetency or something. I was so embarrassed that that is how you were first meeting me. I take a lot of pride in my work but for that to be our first meeting, I was mortified."

I look down and breathe.

"Want to hear something funny?"

I quietly nod.

"When Mr. Travis's first assistant left, I hadn't officially been promoted, this was three weeks before thanksgiving... Ros was in Travis's office for a conference call. You were supposed to be there too but you still hadn't confirmed if you'd show up. Anyway, I was prepping some contracts to be messengered out and you walked right past the copy room towards Travis's door. I got a message from Mr. Travis asking for an extra copy of the report because he had given you his. You guys were on a conference call with the Gotha lawyers and CEO. I walked into Travis's office and you were standing by the window looking out, your back was towards everyone while the speakerphone was on and the Germans were talking and I quickly handed Travis the extra copy. Ros tried to get me to stay and was teasing me but I ran out of there. It was a joke among Travis, Ros and Jose... to threaten me with a meeting with you because I was so scared of you" she giggles.

"You were there?"

"Yeah, I was."

"Why didn't you stay?"

"You seemed like you were in a bad mood. You were running your hands through your hair. I didn't want to be on the receiving end of the 'Wrath of Grey.'" She giggles. "Christian, there are so many instances where we almost met at GEH... and in all instances you never once noticed me... and that's okay. It's what I wanted too. I was following the HR mantra, _stay away from Grey_. It was also out of respect."

"I want to be the only man in your life."

"But you are, Mr. Grey and always will be." She holds my face in her hands. "You're the only man I love and want to be with, and want to spend the rest of my life with." She peppers my lips with kisses "The only man who can turn me on, the only man who gets me wet and most of all, you're the only man who can make me come, Mr. Grey..." she bites my lip.

I feel my cock twitch and it takes everything in me to not fuck her in this moment...

"Why did you have to be such a stickler for rules...? Why couldn't you have just met me early on... " _I needed you._

"Because if you don't follow the rules, you get punished... though I believe I may be in for some punishment this evening." She wiggles her eyebrows and I try to suppress a smile. "What do you think, Mr. Grey, do I deserve a little punishment? She whispers and bites my earlobe.

_Holy fuck._

"I want to be rough with you Miss Steele."

"Whatever pleases Sir." She gives me a small kiss and I lift her making her squeal and set her down.

"Go to the bedroom and stand by the bed facing the mattress. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir."

"Now go."

I pick up two silver ties from my drawer and walk to the bedroom. She's waiting by the bed, staring at the mattress.

"Strip." I order.

She shivers a bit but unzips her dress from the side and slowly takes it off followed by her panties and sets them on the floor to the side.

I stand right behind her and make a makeshift blindfold with one tie and tie her hands in front with the other. Once I'm done, I pull her close to me, her back to my chest, one hand grabbing her neck and turning it towards me while the other hands travels down her stomach and cups her sex.

"Do you know why I'm going to punish you Anastasia?"

_FLASHBACK_

"_You know, you're the only person who actually makes me like my name?" Ana says out of the blue, as we drive back from Mom and Dad's house after Sunday dinner._

"_You never liked your name?"_

"_I never liked how Carla said it... she always made is sound so ditzy... like Ana-stacyeea.. ughhh." she shakes her head. "Ray always called me Annie cause he thought I had spunk and I just adopted Ana on my own cause I felt like it was invisible enough of a name. Anastasia didn't seem to fit who I was. I didn't feel like a princess or special. Besides I was only called that when I was in trouble" She shrugs._

"_I prefer the Saint comparison."_

"_That's cause you're addicted to the holy grail of sex with me." She giggles._

"_That smart mouth, Miss Steele."_

"_You love it soooo much, Mr. Grey." _

"_That I do." I pick up her hands and kiss it. "You want me to call you Anastasia then?"_

"_Only when we're... umm..." she giggles._

_Well, well... Miss Steele, let the freak come out to play. "Umm what Miss Steele?" I tease as I bit her hand lightly._

"_Shut up... " She laughs. "I like it when you call me Anastasia when we play... " she says shyly._

"_Is that so?" I smirk._

"_Yes sir."_

"_Well, Anastasia, I believe we need to reward you for being so forthcoming tonight."_

"_I can't wait, Sir." She says with a giggle. Fuck, this woman is out to kill me. _

_END FLASHBACK_

"Because I was talking about other men, Sir."

"And who is the only man you should ever be talking or thinking about?"

"You, Sir."

"Correct. Now I think I should spank you 10 times Anastasia." I say before biting her lip. She's fucking drenched and ready.

"Yes sir, please..."

"Good. Don't come."

"Yes sir." She almost moans.

"Hush."

I let her go and take off my pants and sit on the bed leaning against the headboard. I help her straddle on to me and guide hands to hold the headboard behind me and lower her down to take me in. She gasps and tries to suppress a moan.

"Do not make a sound and stay very still, Anastasia."

She takes a deep breath and I stare at her while I try to sync my breathing to hers, running my hands lightly over her thighs. She shivers a little every now and then and I feel my cock twitch inside of her. I need this to last, it's like I have to retrain myself all the control I used to have.

"Lean forward a little."

She does and her breasts are right in front of my face. I circle her nipples with the tip of my tongue and she tries her best not to moan as I squeeze her ass.

"You're going to count, do you understand Anastasia?" Fuck, I really love saying her name.

"Yes, Sir."

I time each slap with a hard bite of her breast.

"One" She gasps.

I continue the strikes, alternating between each ass cheek and rubbing it lightly with my hand before I land the next one.

"Six." She's practically begging at this point to be fucked... her orgasm is building as she tightens around but she works to relax herself. _My girl is a natural at this._

"Eight." She bites her lip and throws her head back in a moan. Fuck I'm so close and I need to rein it in. I can feel her juices dripping along my own thighs... I'm going to drag this out for both our pleasures.

"Nine... please sir..." she screams out in pleasure

"Sshh, you're almost there baby."

I really let it rip for the last one bite down as hard as I can. "TEN."

"Ahhhh" she tightens herself around me, biting her lip as she tries to calm down and keep her orgasm at bay.

"Now I'm going to fuck you hard." I growl and bite down on her neck.

"Please, Sir... please." She begs.

I lift her up and maneuver myself and end up behind her as her hands remain on the headboard and she straddles me in reverse.

I move her to the side and lick and kiss her neck while I hold her face.

"Tell me Anastasia, do you like it when I fuck you hard. Do you like it when I'm rough with you?"

"Yes Sir, I love it." She begs, panting as I grind my erection into her. If my dick could murder me right now it would. I'm painfully hard and need release. Fuck...

"Do you think you deserve to come?"

"Please, Sir... let me come."

"Why should I?"

"Because I love you and you're the only man I want to make me come."

"That's right, Anastasia. I am the _only_ man who will make you come. All your orgasms are mine."

"Yes... only yours."

I position myself and slam into her, gripping her hips hard and fucking her as roughly as I can. She moans and soon I feel her start to quiver and tighten herself around me. I feel the pressure build in me. I bite down on her shoulder and groan my release as screams out her own.

We lie on the bed panting as I remove the blindfold and untie her hands, massaging her arms and kissing every so often.

"Was the rough enough for you baby?"

She giggles. "Hmm, there's always room for improvement."

"Damn, you're really hard to please."

"It keeps you on your toes and coming back for more" she leans over and kisses me.

"I'll always want more with you." I whisper against her lips.

"Ditto, Mr. Grey. Only you."

...

_So wanted to prove you wrong  
I'm still faithful to the light we lost  
So remember this  
I will always be loyal babe_

_I'll always be loyal babe (I'm still loyal to you)  
(Fires die but)  
(But I'm loyal to you always)  
(I'm still loyal to you)  
(Fires die)_

I kiss her neck as she hums and sings along to the music. "You almost fell asleep on me in the bath."

"Yeah, it was so relaxing... but now I'm wide awake." She giggles.

"I thought no hetero boys were allowed for girls night, then how the fuck did Elliot get a free pass?"

"Because Elliot demonstrated he was a solid 5 on the scale of 1 to 10 of hetero to gay."

"Of course. By the way, the fucker is obsessed with girl talk."

"I know... and he's quite the natural at it. So he's an honorary member." She laughs.

"I'm not sure how I feel about this."

"I'm very happy about it. Him and Jose have bonded and I like that all my friends are becoming a little family now... I always kept my life so compartmentalized but this feels so nice. I mean Kate and Val are in New York for work and they met for dinner and watched a movie in Kate's hotel room. Jose and Mia are besties now... this makes me really happy that my life is growing. All because of you Mr. Grey."

"I'd say it's all because of you, Miss Steele." I kiss her forehead."I wanted to show you something." I grab my phone from the side table and scroll through emails till I get to the desired one. I open the attachment and click play and show it to her.

She watches it intently for a few moments and then her eyes grow wide.

"You creepy stalker..." she laughs and squeals. "Where did you get this?"

"We have all the CCTV footage back up on the server, I only had to look up the date of Kate's interview and then emailed Welch to get me footage from that time slot."

"This is so romantically creepy Mr. Grey." She giggles and gives me a kiss.

She's sitting in the plaza outside of GEH wearing a simple black pantsuit with her hair tied up in her signature ponytail and heels. She's look professional and sits on one of the benches and changes into flats and sits indian style. She opens a notebook and nibbles on a granola bar writing something. Every now and then she looks up and cocks her head to the side. Thinking no doubt. After a while, she clocks Kate walking towards and her enthusiastically jumps up to give her a hug but I see her expression change and then suddenly laugh. She angles her head to no doubt look in the direction of the front door when Ros and I exit and shrugs her shoulder and dismisses me.

"What were you thinking when you were looking up?"

"I was thinking about the view of Seattle from your office and the fact that the building looked a little cold."

"Well, I do have a great view." I chuckle. "You think GEH is cold?"

"I mean yeah but it goes with the whole look to the futuristic tech vibe you've got going on."

"What were you writing in your notebook?"

"Some notes for my creative writing class that I was taking... I had a paper due in two days so I used to free write my ideas a lot and then fine tune them as I typed them out."

"You looked pretty dismissive of me there."

"Well, yeah... you were an ass to my friend." She sticks her tongue out me.

"She asked me if I was gay, that was uncalled for."

"Oh calm your tits, you have to agree, only Katherine Victoria Kavanagh could've asked you that question."

"Or you."

"Probably but then you would've yelled at me too and I would've let it rip Mr. Grey... I don't like being yelled at. Even Ray never yelled at me."

"I know... but I do think had you asked me that question, I would've demonstrated how straight I was." I smirk.

"Yeah, yeah... you're all talk, Grey." She kisses me sweetly. "So tell me on a scale of 1 to I want to throw her out of the window, how pissed were you at Kate for the question?"

"I wanted to throw her out of my damn helicopter over Mt. Rainier, Ana."

"Damnnnn." She giggles. "You know the morning when I was on my way to GEH... Kate drove me cause I was really nervous. Rania and Aria facetimed me and I was like a nervous, almost crying mess and Rania was like, don't worry you're gonna be fine and if Grey tries anything with you... use that pepper spray Benny gave you and she taught Aria to say 'Aana Khala kick some ass.'"

I laugh out loud. "Thank God, you didn't have pepper spray when we met or kick my ass."

"Yeah, you should be so grateful. Though I think Benny would've been so proud of me."

"Didn't Kiran call you? I thought you guys were close."

"She did for a bit, she was heading into a meeting but her advice was to find a boy."

"Of course."

"She tends to have a one-track mind sometimes."

I snort. "Or lack of a mind.

"Look at you making jokes... I have taught you well..." she kisses me again.

"You had nothing to be nervous about baby, you've done so well"

"I didn't have the confidence I used to have before everything happened. I had to learn how to not be invisible anymore... not to stand out but to allow myself to be seen. The clothes that Kiran sent me weren't exactly... subtle in color so... I mean Jose and Val loved that shit but I had to learn how to tune out the self doubt which you know... I'm never really successful at. Ros was also like, finally someone to join me in my rainbow." She giggles.

I stroke her cheek. "I love you, baby."

"I love you."

Hearing her say those words are like a balm. Feeling her in my arms like this is finding a peace I've been longing for since the beginning of time.

"You know, what really got to me when I started GEH and everyone talked about you?"

"What baby?"

"It was always about how you looked. That you were hot which there was no doubt about that but for me it was like... okay he's hot and? Like what comes after that? I mean yes I was curious but not curious enough to find out. I had been surrounded by good looking men my entire life... so it's not something that really affected me on a deep level. For me it was always... what about who they are? Because looks fade but who you are, that's always there you know. I thought that because you were so private it was because you were sad too, like myself because I never saw you smile and while I did smile and laugh and all that, it was only a momentary distraction from everything in my head."

"I never felt sadness the way that I have with you... I mean... I never explored the emotion. I was always either angry or devoid of emotion. Work didn't require emotion, which is why I threw myself in it. I didn't have to feel with work. Winning didn't cause me joy it just fueled my determination. With you, I've felt every emotion... good and bad... except now I'm less angry. I'm happier. Happier because of you."

"I'm happier because of you too, I never thought I'd find happiness like this..." She says with tears in her eyes.

"and now you'll never have to wonder, baby."

I pull her closer and kiss her deeply as her hands find their way into my hair with leg locked over me, grinding herself against me.

Fuck..."Baby..."

"More, I want more..." she moans against my lips.

* * *

**Authors Note**: Okay so, I have the POWER (lol) to end this story in just a few more chapters... OR I can explore a little bit more of their relationship, memories and dynamics... I feel like given the covid sitch, we could use some more goodness but I want to hear from you. Because i've got a whole lot more ideas where it's just them talking and getting to know each other more. Discussing their pasts and falling more in love. It's all up to you guys. It'll be a little respite from the drama as well.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

**Music: **

Loyal - Jasmine Thompson


	51. Chapter 51

I HEAR YOU GUYS LOUD AND CLEAR, MUCH LOVE!

the time jumps will eventually happen, I promise.

This chapter is very dialogue heavy. It appears our dear CG is not enitrely over the the thirst tweet issue... it has certainly manifested in an interesting way. I wouldn't call this a drama chapter but a growing pains one, just like the one after will be. Please refer to Chapter 39 and Chapter 40 for some of the conversation between CG and AS that will provide a reference point to these conversations.

* * *

Chapter 51 – Babies galore.

_Thursday, March 5th, 2020_

**CPOV**

AS: Hey handsome, wanna have lunch with me?

CG: That depends on the menu ;)

AS: Actual food is on the menu, you perv.

CG: I'm sure I can have something added to the menu.

AS: Christiannnn! Just tell me, yes or no?

CG: Yes baby, I'll be done with my meeting by 1pm

...

"I'm so excited, Baby Bailey is coming into the world today." Ana giggles as she checks her phone.

"You seem more excited than Gwen at this point."

"Gwen's body is a warzone right now... she probably just wants to sleep. Poor thing."

"Any updates?"

"Yeah Ros texted, they're about to take Gwen into an emergency C-section. The umbilical cord is around the baby's neck and her heart rate was dropping so that's why."

"That sounds scary..."

"It can be if she weren't in the hospital but she is and they're both gonna be fine. I know it. Same thing happened with Rania and Aria too... it happens more often than you'd think."

I nod. Fuck... I'd probably lose my shit if I had to see her experience that.

"Baby?"

"Hmm?"

"I have to go to New York next week."

She pouts. "I'm a little jealous, not going to lie. I haven't been to New York in over 3 years."

"Come with me. I have to be gone from Monday to Friday afternoon."

"I can't Mr. Grey... I've got this thing they call a job... and I took off last Friday. I need to pace myself."

"Can't you just quit?"

She rolls her eyes. "And do what? Knit ugly sweaters for you?"

"Yeah." I chuckle.

"I need to work in order to keep my brain sane plus, I'd miss you all during the day."

"I want you to come with me."

"Christian, we'll go to New York when the time is right. Besides, you're going to be working the entire time, where's the fun in that?"

"One of these days, I'm going to fire you." I grumble.

"I'll sue your ass for wrongful termination." She raises her eyebrow at me and I launch myself at her, throwing her down on to the couch as she squeals while I shower her with kisses.

"I'm pretty sure I can convince you to settle." I smirk, pushing up her dress and lowering myself to devour her.

...

"Thank you for lunch baby." I chuckle while I help her clean up.

"Now everyone is gonna know what kind of lunch date I had thanks to my just fucked hair." She giggles trying to fix it.

"Who cares what the fuckers think."

"Uh... the girl who has to work with them. You're up here conveniently out of sight while I have to deal with the rest of your employees."

I pull her close to me and kiss her neck. "I can't convince you to come to New York with me?"

"Christian, I can't... Aashu's wedding coming up and I need to take off 3 days for that to help with prep at Nani's house cause we're hosting one event there. Then we have the Miami trip to go see Karan and I'm taking off Friday for that. I have to really be mindful."

"You do know you're dating the owner right?"

"That's precisely why I can't just take off randomly. Look, I really love working but I also promised Mr. Travis that I wouldn't take advantage of my association with you. You also have to think how it looks..."

"Why the fuck do you care about what everyone thinks?" I'm so fucking irritated now. She seems to care way too much about how others see her.

"I care about what my peers think Christian because I have to work with them. You will never understand because you've never worked a job that required teamwork. You were always the boss and therefore not answerable to anyone. I am working with a team and I have had to earn the respect of my peers. I cannot jeopardize that because I'm dating you... In fact I now need to work thrice as hard to maintain it because I'm a woman _AND_ I happen to be dating the owner. Look you obviously don't understand my position... so let's just talk about this later." Her face is tense and her brow is furrowed into that cute and adorable v.

She walks out of the bathroom and goes to clear up the lunch and throw it in the trash. I don't entirely know what to say to her. She's fucking pissed at me right now and leaves without saying goodbye.

...

We're on our way to Seattle-Mason to meet Gwen and the baby after a quick stop to get balloons. Ana hasn't said more than two words to me in this entire exchange. She just looks out the window or goes through her phone. I hate this.

"Where's baby Bailey?" Ana laughs as we walk into Gwen's room in the VIP wing.

We both hug Ros and Gwen and then head over to the cot near her to see the baby. Fuck, she is TINY.

"You know... even though my body is fucking wrecked... I can still tell you are one hot piece of ass." Gwen says deliriously.

"Why thank you, Gwen." I chuckle.

"I wasn't talking about you, Grey. I was talking to Ana." Gwen deadpans and Ros and Ana laugh out loud.

"Gwen honey, still feeling a little high?" Ana asks

"High? I feel fucking amazing." She giggles deliriously.

Ros shakes her head and we all laugh again.

"I'm going to wash my hands and arms really quickly and then I wanna hold this little nugget." Ana disappears into the bathroom and emerges a few minutes later drying herself.

Ros picks up the baby and gently hands her to Ana.

"You guys, she is perfect." Ana looks down at her in wonder and begins to talk to her. "Hi baby girl, I'm Ana, I'm so happy you're here... "

"You know she can't talk back right?" I attempt to lighten the mood with her a little and she looks up at me with a disinterested look.

"Thank you for captain obvious but my talking to her like this is aiding in her cognitive development. It's good to talk to babies, they start to sense patterns and touch is the best way to communicate with them, look let me show you. Ros take out your phone for this" She places her index finger lightly on baby Bailey and runs it back and forth across her forehead and the baby suddenly smiles. It's a perfect moment and Ros captures it on camera.

"How did you know how to do that?"

She shrugs "I did it once when I used to volunteer at the NICU and it's worked on every baby since then."

"It's beautiful."

"Do you want to hold her?" She looks at me with a smile.

"She's really small. I don't know..."

"Take off your jacket, roll your sleeves and go wash your hands and arms." She orders me. I swallow and follow her directive.

I come out and she's in a full blown conversation with the baby while Gwen has fallen asleep and Ros is on the phone with her mother.

I take my seat on the chair near the window and she gets up and helps me hold the baby, telling me to be careful of her head and neck. Fuck... she really is tiny and... I hope I don't fuck this up. Thank god she's sleeping.

"You're a natural Mr. Grey." Ana whispers and hovers over my lips and gives me a small kiss. "Hi Baby, this is your Uncle Christian, he made you a future CEO onesie but no pressure you can do whatever you want and he'll still love you." She giggles and I smiles, looking down in wonder. It's been over 20 years since I held Mia... I feel the emotion swell up in my chest.

I can't stop staring. Tiniest eyes, nose, hands and feet... Will our children be like this?

After a while, Jose arrives while the baby is now in Ana's arms again.

"Where is my niece? I demand to see the new heir in the Bailey Kingdom." Jose announces his arrival in grand fashion and we all laugh.

"She's snuggling with her favorite Aunt at the moment." Ana sneers. "And don't you dare curse in front of her... she just came into the world, we need to keep it innocent and classy for her."

"Whatever Hag, give me the child." He takes a seat on the couch and Ana gets up to hand the baby to him.

He starts to speak in Spanish with the baby, making Ros laugh.

"You better not be talking smack about me." Ana warns.

"I'm telling her about her fine ass heritage, hag. Don't interrupt." Jose goes back to his intense conversation with the baby.

"Have you guys decided on a name?" I ask.

"We're leaning towards Emilia, we're still deciding on a middle name." Gwen shares.

"She's so beautiful, I might just take her home with me." Ana squeals and growls as she takes the baby away from Jose to give to Gwen so she can feed her.

"You guys are welcome to see her anytime. We might need all the help we can get at this point." Ros laughs. I can tell she's a nervous wreck. I signal her to meet me out in the hallway.

"How are you holding up?"

She shakes her head. "Holy fuck, I'm a mom now. This feels... so weird. I mean I've mentally been trying to prepare myself ...fuck, Christian... being that room and watching Gwen go through everything..." she shakes her head. "I don't wanna fuck this up. I'm a little... scared. I mean did you see how fucking tiny she is?" She looks up at me and I swear the only time I saw tears in Ros' eyes was at her wedding.

"Ros, you're going to be fine and you have all of us. Your family is also coming in, you guys won't be alone."

"Yeah, thanks Boss. I appreciate that. It's just... damn you saw how tiny she was... the fact that hospital is trusting us to keep her alive and..." She shakes her head again.

"You need a drink." I smirk

"I need the whole damn bottle at this point." She laughs.

...

"Mrs. Jones is the bomb dot com. She never fails." Ana says giggling taking a last forkful of the creamy shrimp and mushroom pasta we're having for dinner.

"Yeah... I'm just glad she's stuck around. I was a real asshole to deal with before I met you."

"Only before you met me?" She laughs

"I see what you did there." I smirk and take a sip of my wine.

"Why were you so hard to deal with Mr. Grey?"

"I was just being... as you say, crabby and then the weekend after the wedding when I came back I was a much nicer person and I clocked her surprise at my being somewhat in a better mood which of course was a rarity. I would sometimes think it was a miracle she never left and that you being my life would make up for my past years of shitty behavior."

"Oh... so that's why you keep me around... for the sex and to pick up the slack on your bad attitude. I see how it is, Grey." She laughs.

"I have to make sure I put you to good use." I lean in and give her a small peck on the lips.

We talk a little more about Gwen and the baby.

"You're gonna miss Ros aren't you?" She teases.

"No I won't." I grumble.

"You love her. I'm sure she'll be itching to come back as soon she can too."

"The next 4 months will be a little hectic for me. With taking over her schedule and the travel."

"I know but it's okay... it's only for 4 months then things will calm down a bit."

"You're not mad?"

"Why would I be? You gotta do whatchu gotta do, Mr. Grey." She giggles.

"We won't be able to spend that much time together."

"That part will suck but again, it's not forever. All I ask is one date night a week and some hours on a Saturday or Sunday, where we can chill if possible. We don't have to go out, we can watch TV or just laze around." She shrugs.

"That's all you want?"

"I mean... I don't know, that seems pretty reasonable an ask... no?" She looks at me confused.

That's all she wants from me, just a measly date night and few hours on the weekend? I need much more than that.

Just as I'm about to speak again her phone rings and she tells me she's been waiting on this call all day.

"Hey Trish... I'm great, thanks for getting back to me... yeah, I was trying to sign up for private sessions with Hope but the app wouldn't let me...ohhh okay.. that makes sense. Who else would be available?...Robbie is back? Amazing... sure... yeah I'll take all those sessions." She laughs. "Yeah and then when I meet with him we can further lockdown a schedule... also, I have a small favor to ask given you know the whole media issue... yeah... you get it... I would need you and Robbie to sign an NDA... I hope you can understand... Thank you, I really appreciate that. I'll bring the paperwork with me on Saturday morning... awesome. Thanks mama. I'll see you soon."

She hangs up. "Finally, my Pilates situation is fixed." She giggles.

I'm not entirely amused.

"Who's Robbie?"

"He's one of the instructors whose classes I've taken before. Him and Hope are my favorites."

"You're going to take a private session with him?"

She looks at me puzzled. "Yeah, why?"

"I don't like it. Take it with a female instructor." My response is curt.

"Christian, Robbie is a really nice guy, he's in his early 40's... he's like in dad territory at this point. He teaches ballet at the Pacific Northwest Ballet school, including little kids and then Pilates at this studio for the past 6 years. He's a good guy."

"And you're going to be alone in a room with him."

"Christian... I'll be fine. Plus Prescott will be right outside the room and Sawyer will be nearby."

"Still, I'm not comfortable with it" Why doesn't she understand? Why does she need to defy me at every fucking turn? Why can't she just accept what I want?

"Why don't you guys run a background check on him, I'll give Taylor and Welch his name tomorrow at work, I'm sure it'll come back clean. I've been taking his classes since June... I'm comfortable with him, I wouldn't agree to take a private session with him if I didn't feel that way. Don't worry." She says with a smile.

I scoff "Like that sense of comfort helped a shit ton before.' The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. Fuck... that's not what I meant. God dammit. Brain to mouth filter is in such fucking short supply.

Her eyes remain fixed on me but the smile is gone. I see her clench her teeth and look away, her eyes focused on the marble counter in front of us. She makes her way to slowly get up but I grab her hand.

"Ana, that's not what I meant. I'm sorry."

"Let go of my hand." She says in a low voice.

"Ana, please...I'm sorry."

"Let. Go. Of. My. Hand." She enunciates and I hear the aggression build with each word. When I don't, she violently snatches it out of my grip and picks up her plate to load it in the dishwasher and then quietly sets out to make herself tea.

I close my eyes and breathe, trying to figure out what to say next. I know I fucked up. Fuck, Flynn would kill me too right now.

"Ana, I'm sorry. I was projecting... I really didn't... look, what I meant to say is..." as I'm speaking she's finished with making her tea and walks out of the kitchen towards the stairs up to her room.

I follow her, still at a considerable distance... before she enters her room she turns around and looks at me. No tears in her eyes, just disappointment. A look I have been on the receiving end far too often.

"Good luck on your New York trip." She slams the door in my face and locks it.

Fuck.

I knock and call out to her but she doesn't respond. I'll let her cool off. I'm not going to New York till Monday, we'll make up before then. We have to.

* * *

_Friday, March 6th, 2020_

**CPOV**

I barely slept last night and she ignored me the entire morning while getting ready. I tried talking to her and got nothing but the silent treatment. This is fucking infuriating. I've apologized... I've... fucking hell.

Fucking Flynn's away for a conference on the East Coast so access is limited. Elliot will have to do.

CG: Lunch?

EG: Lunch? With me? You okay, bro?

CG: My office. I'm buying.

EG: I'll be there at 12:30

...

"Mr. Grey, your brother is here." Andrea buzzes through the intercom.

"Send him through, Andrea."

The doors open a minute later and Elliot walks through looking like he rolled around the dirt.

"Where da grub at bro?" he snickers.

"It'll be here in another 10 minutes." I growl.

"So, to what happened for you to request the pleasure of my company? You never invite me over for lunch... it's always been the other way around" He walks over to me and tries to place his hand over my forehead. "You sick, bro?"

"Fuck off, Lelliot and for gods sake, take a shower and use cologne."

"What, my manly smell turning you off?" he laughs out loud.

I roll my eyes at him and we catch up till the food arrives and we dig in.

"It's been a while since I had a good pastrami sandwich."

"Can you not speak with your mouth full?" I growl.

"What crawled up your ass today?"

"As much I hate to say this... I need your advice."

Elliot almost chokes on his sandwich and stares at me for a few seconds.

"What?"

"Nothing, just enjoying this moment. Hold on, I gotta get the date and time down, actually no, I gotta text everyone... the mighty Christian Grey wanting advice from MOI?"

I roll my eyes. "Are you going to help me or not?"

"Hold on, let me get comfortable. Okay, speak... I shall share my infinite wisdom with you." He smirks and takes a bite of his sandwich.

I tell him about the fight with Ana last night and how she doesn't want to go to New York with me and how she fucking defies me at every turn.

By the end of it, Elliot does a facepalm and shakes his head.

"Yeah, I know I fucked up." I say in a low voice.

"Honestly bro, you need to take a fucking chill pill. I mean, do you realize how good we have it? Our girls don't fucking nag us... I mean look... given my less than ideal history with the women of Seattle, every time Kate and I go out we run into an ex-fling of mine and we've fought a lot about it but I can see her side of things, she can't help it cause I know I'd fucking lose my shit. So I can't play the double standard there..."

"Kate doesn't nag you?" I find that surprising.

"I mean for like little shit, like leaving the toilet seat up... she told me twice and the third time she told me she'd cut my balls off and well, let's just say I've never forgotten to leave the toilet seat up since then" He laughs and I smirk... of course Kate's threatened his manhood. It's the only way to get Elliot in line.

"She cares way too much about other people in this building think."

"Bro, for fucks sake, it's like you're trying to get your ass dumped. What do you want her to be? Isn't the reason why you like her and fell in love with her because she's so independent? Cause TRUST ME... if she ever gets to the stage where she's clingy then all good stuff you guys have will get old real quick and you will resent her."

"She doesn't need me Elliot." I get up and walk away to the window trying to desperately not pull out my own hair.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know. I told her that my scheduled for the next four months was going to be hectic and that it'd be difficult to spend time together and all she said was that she wanted one date night a week if possible... "

Elliot face palms again. "BRO... what do you want her to say? You want her to be unreasonable and make your life a living hell?"

I don't know. I want her to need me like I need her.

"She just doesn't need me Elliot. She didn't want to move in with me, she wants her own room... she needs her girls night... she..."

"Christian, bro... look at me." I take a deep breath and look at him. "I know this is all new to you but the most elemental things that Ana needs from you is love and protection. Do you give her that?"

"I try to."

"Has she ever complained that she doesn't feel that from you?"

"No."

"Do you know how many guys would KILL to be in our position? We're dating women, women who we want to marry and who don't suffocate us. They gave us room to breathe... and all they ask in return is the same. Listen, bro... relationships need space and freedom... Kate is her own woman and she told me once that she absolutely needs time away from me so that she can miss me. If we don't live our lives a little separately then we'd never have shit to talk about or grow you know... like if I hung out with Kate all the damn time, then well... that's just a recipe for disaster. Trust me... again, not saying it should be done in an extreme but a little distance here and there is good for the relationship. Take it from someone who dated a fuck ton... as soon as the girl got clingy, I dropped her like a hot potato."

"I don't want to lose her Lelliot."

"Has she told you she's leaving?"

"Well after last night... "

"Well, yeah you fucked up there."

"She won't talk to me."

"Give her space. She'll come around."

I start to gather the empty wrappers to clear the table.

"I'm going to say something right now and I want you to really understand what I mean..." Elliot looks at me seriously.

"Yeah go ahead."

"What you're feeling right now... this is how we've felt for years when you were distant with us. We wanted you to need us too but we all had to make peace with the fact that maybe this is just the relationship we're meant to have with you... of course this was before we found everything out and now we understand what was really happening... I think you should talk to Flynn too just in case."

I slowly nod. "Yeah, I left him a message but he's at a conference. Hopefully I get to talk to him."

"Where is Ana right now?"

"She's at lunch in the atrium with Jose and Val."

He gets that mischievous glint in his eye. "Let's go have some fun."

"She'll murder me, Lelliot."

"You really are whipped." He laughs out loud. "Hold on, let me call her first."

He takes his phone out and sets it to speaker.

Ana's picks up. "Bro."

"Bro, where you at?" Elliot asks, laughing.

"Having lunch with my Queen and fellow hag." She giggles.

"I'm at GEH."

"You are? Come say hi. We're on the 5th floor." She says excitedly.

"I'll see you in a few minutes." He hangs up. "Showtime... it's been a while since I had a room full of girls drool on me."

I roll my eyes. "I'll be sure to let Kate know... good luck with that dick of yours."

He smirks and we make our way to the 5th floor.

Last time I was here was when the cookie exchange happened and just like that time, the whole room stops to gape at us both. Elliot being the fucking peacock he is, walks like he's at fucking pageant show.

We get to Ana's table and she rolls her eyes, while Elliot greets them all with his humongous hugs.

"I see what you did there bro." she laughs.

"What? I just came to say hi." Elliot feigns modesty. He doesn't have a modest bone in his body.

"Oh really..." She raises an eyebrow.

"Shut up hag, he was just flexing his muscles before he has to give it all up." Jose says in his usual annoyance towards her and we laugh.

"Jose, you're the only one who gets me..." they both fist bump.

"So what brings you to GEH?" Ana asks.

"Baby bro missed me and he offered to buy lunch which rarely happens and you know me... I never say no to free food." He laughs and I roll my eyes. Ana gives a tight smile.

"Sounds like fun. I'm going to head up... I have a meeting to prep for. I'll see you guys on Sunday." She gets up from her seat and gathers her things.

"Wait, now you guys put on a show for us." Elliot wiggles his eyebrows.

"I have a no PDA policy at work, I don't want to be hated more than I already am." She says impassively and walks around us and quickly exits the atrium.

"What just happened?" Jose looks at us confused. She hasn't told them. Thank God.

Elliot looks at me and shrugs. "Guess she had a meeting to prep for... any way I gotta head out. See you guys on Sunday."

"What's on Sunday?" I ask Elliot as we walk out the atrium.

"Ana invited us to Escala for brunch. Mia and her are going to cook."

This is news to me. "She didn't tell me."

"We all made the plan this morning... I'm sure she would've told you this evening."

"Yeah maybe."

"Bro... remember, she'll come around... and for fucks sake try to relax a bit... don't overreact."

I nod and we take our separate elevators to our destinations.

...

By some miracle Flynn calls me and I tell him everything, from the thist tweet shit, to the fight we had last night and what Elliot said to me this afternoon at lunch. I hear him sigh on the other line and I know... I just know I'm about to hear it from him too.

"Why did you terminate your contracts?"

"Because they wanted more."

"What was the more that they wanted?"

"They wanted a relationship, they wanted my time and I didn't want that so I would terminate the contract."

"What does Ana do?"

"She doesn't ask for more... she accepts whatever I can give her."

"And?"

"But she also doesn't take my crap."

"Because Ana isn't your submissive." He says taking off his glasses and rubs his face. He tired I can tell but he's still on a video call with me... it's around 10pm on the east coast. I'm sitting in my study and Ana still hasn't come home. She took a shift at the NICU and to see Gwen and the baby which I assume is to avoid me.

"I know that. Don't you think I fucking know that?"

"Well, by your choice of words while describing the issue here you said, and I quote 'why does she have to defy me... why can't she just accept what I want.' that is dominant language."

I swallow. Fuck.

"Christian?"

"Yeah."

"Talk to me."

"I need help obviously. I said something equally hurtful before... you know this and she by some miracle gave me a second chance... but what I said last night... there's no coming back from that. I was just... mean to her. I accused her of..." I'm a fucking asshole, that's what I am.

"You're going to have to work on that Christian, again, she's not your submissive. She is your equal and according to what you said she's not asking the world of you."

"SHE DOESN'T FUCKING NEED ME JOHN."

Flynn pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath. Great, now he's frustrated with me too.

"Christian, what do you want from her? You want her to just live to please you and need you in a way that is essentially unhealthy?"

"No, of course not... I want her to be her own person... but I want to be the most important person in her life."

"Christian, can I be real for a second here. Friend to a friend?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Get over yourself. You're acting obsessively."

I'm blink a couple of times trying to register his reaction.

"Look, you said it yourself, she asks you for time and attention, she doesn't demand it like you do."

"Yeah and?"

"Well, she understands that you have a life, a life that is tied to thousands of people and their livelihood. Which is why she's doesn't demand things of you... and that may also be her upbringing that she politely asks for things. It may have to do with her low self-esteem again... however, she's equally protective of what world she's created outside of her relationship with you... her life has changed drastically in the last few weeks..."

"I know, I know, she has her network and that we need to have space in our relationship."

"Christian, we have to work on your reaction to when you don't get things you want and on your terms because if you lash out at Ana like this... well it's not healthy. By your own admission you accused her of being responsible for her own rape. That is a very serious accusation. It's victim blaming and it is damaging, it could set her back."

"I realize that John, I just... I didn't think."

"Based on what you've told me, she's tried to placate you every step of the way. She has accepted her circumstances but Christian... everyone has their limit. You're pushing those limits and in this case, there's no safeword to save the relationship."

"I know. I know." I look down. Fuck me.

...

"Sir?" I hear Taylor knock on the door to my study after I've finished my call with Flynn.

"Come in Taylor."

"Sir, Miss Steele asked us to pull a background check on a Robert Katsaros, the Pilates instructor she will be taking private sessions with."

"What's the verdict?"

"Sir, he's not a threat. He teaches Ballet to children between the ages of 4 to 18 and had a teenage daughter in high school. He's also Mr. Rodriguez's brother-in-law."

"Jose Rodriguez from GEH."

"Yes."

FUCK. Why didn't she tell me?

FUCK.

"So he's a good guy?"

"Boy scout, through and through."

I nod. "Where is Ana right now?"

"She's on her way back from Seattle-Mason with Sawyer and Prescott.

"Thank you, Taylor."

Ten minutes later, Ana walks through the great room. She doesn't acknowledge me and walks straight up to her room. I wait for a bit and take a deep breath and head up. Her door is closed so I head back down and set out a plate for her and wait. She eventually comes down but doesn't sit with me, instead takes out a plate from the cabinet to grab dinner.

"Ana, baby... can we please talk."

She looks up and me impassively and speaks ever so calmly. This is the terrifying Ana. "What would you like to talk about?"

"I'm sorry. I was wrong in what I said last night. Please, baby." I'm literally pleading right now.

"Strike me once, shame on you. Strike me twice, shame on me. There will not be a third time. Apology not accepted."

She walks out of the kitchen with her dinner and goes back up to her room.

* * *

**Authors Note**: Fair warning, the next chapter will be a little sad. Tissues will be needed. Again, it will be a growing pains chapter.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/


	52. Chapter 52

Hi guys. How you all doin? Thank you for all your reviews on the last chapter. You all are the freaking bomb dot com. Much love.

Okay so, a lot of feelings about that last chapter. CG just shoving both of them feet in his mouth. I know I said this chapter would require tissues but I actually wrote a brand new chapter this afternoon. I wanted CG to have a moment with his sister and his mom. He needs a woman's perspective on things. The next two chapters will explore the idea of babies and siblings... I split them into two chapters because... they are heavy and extremely personal to me. I will explain why when I post them. Both CG and AS have similar issues when it comes to being needed but they have manifested very differently in their personalities and lives. Right now, we're seeing that even though his birth mother and Elena are dead, the damage done by their neglect and conditioning is still very very prevalent in his nature. He may no longer need his old lifestyle but when you've been a certain way for 15 years... well, that shit can creep up here and there. He's going through growing pains, he's never been called out on his shit and never been in an relationship that was on equal footing. I mean it's great when it's lovey dovey but conflict is where the real growth happens and the dom/sub relationship was ALWAYS without conflict because as soon as it even teetered on the age of conflict, bro cut the chord and here AS is putting bro through his freaking paces.

For the last chapter's little fireworks, the thirst tweet video was definitely the catalyst and then he became cruel. Some reviews said that Ana is dragging her feet on the whole family issue but I would argue that she's been more than clear on what she's doing and she's been very honest with CG. Refer to Chapter 44 and their conversation in the old playroom. And as for her wanting her independence and own room, CG was the first to offer that as an incentive when he first wanted her to move in with him, Chapter 33 & Chapter 38 discuss that. I always tie everything back because... well, I want things to make sense. It's my brain. I don't always get it right but I try.

One review said these two were incredibly depressing and should break up. el oh el. These two aren't going to miraculously be cured of their issues. Hence the slow burn. And yes then tend to move two steps foward and get shoved three steps back... just like in real life. Shit happens. Everyone has different triggers. For CG it's jealousy and insecurity. For AS it's her low-self esteem and her family. Life is confusing and frustrating, but it's through these little stumbles they will get stronger because when they have their good moments, they are amazing and strong together, that's all I gotta say. Their relationship will always needs work, they are still very new in their journey if you think about it...

Lots of theories about what Vishaal is doing and whether or not he knows what is in the will. He doesn't know what's in the will. No one does, only I do, muhahaha. He's playing a game with AS. While his endgame to marry AS is obvious, it's more of how he gets there. One definite clue I will give you is that he doesn't care if she marries CG or not... he's convinced that in the end... he'll get AS. I know i've thrown a lot of other clues at you but most of them don't mean anything... you will eventually find that out. I promise.

I owe you guys an update on the sub club and Elena's estate too. That is coming soon as well.

* * *

**Chapter 52** –_ you just keep on starin' at the sun_

_Sunday, March 8th, 2020_

**CPOV**

I slowly open my eyes and see that Ana's left. I found her sleeping in TV room as some random chick flick played. I picked her up and brought her to bed with me.

She went to Pilates yesterday before I woke up and signed up for sessions at the NICU again. When she came home, she avoided me again spending the entire time in the kitchen prepping for this morning's brunch, while I spent the entire day in the study working... or trying to work. It was reminiscent of my earlier lifestyle... except this time, it actually felt lonely...

Once I'm fully awake and have regained proper brain function, I walk up the stairs and see her door is closed again. I take deep breath and walk towards the gym where I hear music playing. I walk in and see Ana in what looks like a forearm stand.

Elliot dated a girl a few years ago who was a yoga instructor and told me that watching a woman do yoga was like foreplay and I rolled my eyes at him. I'd let him know that I agree with him but I've already asked him for advice this week. I'm not keen on giving him another ego boost.

Fuck, she knows how to move. It's slow and the level control she has is... holy fuck she is flexible. I cannot believe I have never seen this before. She really has been hiding this from me. Those yoga pants are doing me no favors. This music is not helping my situation either... god dammit. Thank god for these loose sweats.

_Can you follow me out to the water?  
I can show you were sinking deeper  
Let me know  
'Cause I'm drowning for ya_

After she's done she goes into child pose for a few moments and then slowly and gracefully gets up. She rolls her mat and turns around to leave but gasps a little when she sees me. Her face is flushed but it immediately tenses and she walks towards the door to leave.

"Ana, can we please talk?"

She stops and turns around and looks me in the eye. "Well?" she speaks softly.

"I'm sorry, I realize what I said was absolutely wrong. It was uncalled for."

"You know what Christian, I think you should take your time in New York to think of all the hurtful things you can say to me. I mean really go to town, let your imagination run wild, carte blanche as they say... and then when you come back, I want you to say all of those things to my face. Get them out of your system once and for all because I can assure you, anything you say to me, I've either already heard it or already have thought that of myself." There are no tears in her eyes as she speaks. No aggression in her voice. No malice... just utter disappointment and heartbreak. Her voice doesn't waver but holds strong and it feels like a slap on the face. I'd rather she yell at me instead.

"Ana, please I could never do that. I'm really sorry, what I said was reprehensible and I realize that now. I know I really need to work on my anger."

"This has happened twice now. You obviously have this all bottled up, so I'm giving you an out. Say whatever you want to say and move on. I didn't sign up to be your punching bag, so take this opportunity because I don't know what how generous I will feel the next time you decide to be cruel to me."

I can only look down to the floor. I don't have it in me to look her in the eye.

"You were right about Robbie."

"What else did his background check reveal?"

"That's he's Jose's brother-in-law."

"And?"

"That he's a stand up guy...why didn't you lead with that?"

"Why should I have to constantly prove who is worthy of being in _MY_ life Christian? Why can't my trust and word on the matter be enough for you? I don't need you to remind of me of the one mistake I made in my life. I live with it almost every second of every day. I have enough self-loathing and shame about it to last me a lifetime." Her voice wavers a little and I look up and see tears fall from her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Ana. None of that was your fault and I shouldn't have said what I said. I'm just... I'm really not used to being...," _defied at every turn_. I shake my head. I can't use dominant language. _Fuck._ "I know there's a lot I need to learn about being in a relationship. I just... I don't want to lose you... I need you and I just have this fear of you not needing me..."

She looks up in frustration and takes a deep breath.

"You really need to talk to Flynn about this because if you keep this up you _will _push me away. I have my limits Christian and you are pushing them. I am really, _REALLY _trying here. I know how much baggage I come with and I'm really trying to not be a burden on you, I'm trying to be respectful of your life and boundaries but I don't think it will ever be enough. We could get married and it still wouldn't be enough for you. I am seeing that now. No matter what I do, no matter how much I explain myself or try to make you believe that I love you... it's just never going to be enough is it?"

I hang my head in shame.

"Christian, all of this suspicion and insecurity is not a hot look. You need to get over this. I can't keep pandering to it. You know, I could say a lot of shit to you too but I don't, you know why... because it's counter productive to what I want from this relationship and hurting you or holding your past against you is not the way to achieve that. I chose you. I gave myself to you _completely_. The whole god damn world knows that I'm your girlfriend and my family is literally jumping down my throat for me to marry you and they're treating you like a king. What _MORE_ do you want from me? I am working on tell them all slowly about everything... I promised you I would and I am... but it's obvious that you don't trust me." Her voice breaks and she turns to walk out of the room.

I have nothing to say to her because words fail me. I fucked up again.

...

Once I'm done with gym, I take a shower and get dressed for the brunch. I walk out and see that Ana is almost done setting the table.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" I offer.

"No thank you." She walks back to kitchen.

"The table looks beautiful. I didn't know we had all of that stuff."

"You didn't. All your dishware is pretty formal. This all came with my stuff from the apartment."

She starts to cut fruit and arrange it on a wood board. I figure if I keep asking questions she'll answer and eventually she'll not think I'm such a dick.

"What time is everyone coming?"

"11:30. Mia is already on her way, she's helping me."

I check my watch and see that it's only 9:45am.

"What are you making?"

"You'll find out with everyone else." She says simply.

"Who else is coming?"

"Your parents, Elliot, Kate, Ethan, Jose, Phillip and Val."

"Am I invited?"

She looks up in annoyance. "It's being hosted in your apartment, what do you think?"

"Well, you never told me about it. So I figured, I wasn't." I say with a smirk.

Her face remains impassive and she rolls her eyes. "There's a place setting for you, so the choice is yours."

I continue to ask her questions much to her annoyance. I can tell I'm hitting a nerve now. I suppose Gremlin Ana could make an appearance. I'm being an asshole right now, but I've missed her voice and I'll take her any way I can get her.

15 minutes later the elevator pings and we hear Mia rushing out.

"I'M HEREEEEE." She sings. Christ, she really can be loud.

"Hi Mimi." I greet her with a chuckle and she comes in for a hug.

"Hi Big Brother." She smiles. "Hi Banana."

"Hey Mia cakes." She laughs.

"Okay so, what's on the agenda? What should I get started with?"

"Can you make the breakfast pies in about 20 minutes? I set out the puff pastry to thaw and cut the cherry tomatoes and set out the eggs. I've already prepped the quiche, I'll put that in to bake in another 30 minutes and I just put the French toast in the oven to bake."

"Just how much food are you guys making?" I ask a little surprised.

"Well, Elliot eats like a horse and we have 9 other people... we have got to make sure all the bases are covered." Mia giggles. "Big brother, did you help out with anything or has Banana done all of this on her own?"

"I offered but she's a control freak." I smirk.

"The goal was to actually survive and be able to enjoy this brunch. Didn't need the whole kitchen burning down." Ana mumbles as she cuts the fruit and Mia laughs.

Mia shakes her head. "Christian, you have got to learn how to cook... "

Mia plays some music and dominates most of the conversation while Ana interjects here and there.

"Oooh I love this song." Mia laughs and starts to sing and dance. Ana smiles but doesn't really participate outside of occasionally singing along.

_'Cause I can count on you to let me down  
I won't put up a fight  
I got lost in the light (oh)_

_If you keep staring at the sun, you won't see  
What you have become, this can't be  
Everything you thought it was  
Blinded by the thought of us, so  
Give me a chance, I will  
Fuck up again, I warned  
You in advance  
But you just keep on starin' at the sun_

"Actually, Banana I'll be right back... Christian, can we talk in your study, need to run some Mile High stuff by you." Mia says. Mile High stuff?... Odd, we've never talked about that. She all but drags me to the study and sits me down.

"Okay fess up... what happened between you and Ana?"

"Who said anything happened?"

"Look at me Christian Trevelyan Grey... I spent two weeks in close proximity to both and I know the difference between sexual tension and 'I want to murder him' tension. So tell me... what happened?"

I rub my forehead. This is now way I'm going to get out of this with Mia.

"Mia, we had a fight. I fucked up and I'm trying to make it right."

"What did you do this time?" She crosses her arms and gives me her signature 'tell me right now or I will end you' look.

I give her a quick synopsis and she groans.

"You know what big brother... you have much to learn. You know you could've just called me right? I get that you needed bro time with Elliot but you also need a girl's perspective, in fact you DESPERATELY need it."

"So then give me your perspective, wise one." I roll my eyes.

"I like this, feel free to address me as 'Wise One' from now on." She giggles.

"Mia..." I groan.

"Okay fine, fine. Listen, nothing kills a relationship faster than insecurity. Why do you think my relationship with Sean was such a disaster?"

"Where is the fucker by the way? I never got to punch his face." I grumble.

"No you don't, because it wasn't his fault. I mean, not entirely. Look, when we started dating, I had just come back from France and I had nothing to do and he was trying to prove himself as an associate at his law firm, working 80-90 hour weeks and I was a clingy ass girlfriend who always complained... so he got sick of me. I mean I didn't make it easy on him either. We both were at fault, yes... but it was mostly mine. I only realized that through my relationship with Ethan. I have a mature and loving relationship with him and he pushes me to be independent and successful."

I look down and nod.

"Christian, Banana is crazy about you. Like, it's annoying how she talks about you and defends you when we make fun of you in private. Again, it's all fun and games but for some reason she loves you even though you're such a Grinch sometimes." She laughs and it makes me smile. "Men and women love differently, you're from Mars and we're from Venus... you shouldn't keep needing reassurance that she loves you when the biggest proof is the fact that she standing in your kitchen right now prepping lunch for your family after you colossally fucked up.

You don't understand how difficult it is being a woman, Christian. We may live in the 21st century but we STILL have to watch what we say, watch how we dress, trying to balance looking desirable enough for our partners but also be attentive enough to ward off advances. We're always on the offense. We're always trying to manage relationships and bring people together. Even though Ana is mad at you, she's throwing this brunch for you... this is your life now Christian. She is the reason why you have all of this happening on Sunday right now."

"I know... I've never felt this way before and... I don't want to lose her because I'm such an insecure ass. I'm trying..."

"Then why tempt fate? Look I don't know what your past relationships were like emotionally but it should be obvious that Ana is the most loyal and loving person you'll ever meet. Do you know what she said to me when you guys were on break? She said that after everything you had been through, we all had to focus on making sure we all, herself included, did whatever we could to make _YOU_ feel, loved, safe, accepted and happy because that's what _YOU_ deserve in this life. Always have and always will, Christian. I know with everything in the past it's done a number on you but you know what, we're all still here... I wish you could see that." she shrugs and looks away, wiping her eyes.

I try to swallow the lump in my throat. "I appreciate you saying that Mimi."

"Just don't look at your black amex bill and we're good." She laughs and comes to give me a hug. I kiss her temple and she heads out to help Ana in the kitchen.

...

"I vote that all Ana be in charge of all Sunday brunches from now on." Dad raises his glass and every one cheers.

"Well, Mia also helped me a lot so as long as I have her with me, I don't mind." Ana giggles. She's sitting next to me but again we haven't spoken much.

Grace laughs and shakes her head. "Nice try Cary, we all know you're always trying to cheat your way out of a healthy meal. Remember your cholesterol."

Jose and my dad have hit it off on all things legal. Dad has already threatened to poach him from GEH. Mom gives me a smile winks at me every now and then, I'd say it's embarrassing but it's actually not. She's happy, truly happy. All of her children are in healthy and loving relationships... well, as much as they can be.

"So Ana, how was it visiting your family, did they give Christian the third degree?" Mom asks, laughing.

"It was great, I hadn't seen them all since... well the wedding and they all loved Christian, more than me actually. They teased me all weekend so I'm never taking him there again." Ana giggles and Elliot and Mia look at us both like we've grown two heads.

"WAIT!" Elliot exclaims. "THEY LIKED HIM?"

"Yeah, what's not to like?" Ana laughs.

"No, Steele, are you sure we're talking about the same Christian 'I've got a stick up my ass' Grey?"

"Elliot, language." Grace chides and we all laugh.

"Lelliot, you'd be surprised... I was treated like royalty." I smirk.

"Great, they've created a monster." Mia groans.

"Now all we need is ring on that finger." Jose quips pointing his fork at Ana and they all laugh.

"Give it a rest, Jose." Ana rolls her eyes and looks to Grace again. "They all bonded and spoke French the entire time to annoy me, since I don't understand a word of it."

"They all speak French? That's wonderful."

"In addition to Urdu, Hindi and Punjabi they all speak French, Spanish and Mandarin since most of the family helps out with the business..."

"That's incredible. You didn't want to learn French?" Grace asks.

"Not really, I wanted to learn Italian but my high school didn't offer it and I thought I'd take it in college but I never got around to it." She shrugs with a smile.

"Can we please get back to your family liking him?" Elliot is still stuck on that train.

"Well, I've threatened them all to visit Seattle soon, so when they do, you can ask them yourself."

"Yeah, let me know ahead of time, I'll have an MRI machine on standby to scan for brain injuries just in case."

"Fuck off Lelliot." I bite back.

"Elliot, I'm warning you and Christian... watch it." Grace scolds but is unable to suppress her laugh like the rest of us.

Grace and Phillip have hit it off. They talk about all the fundraising initiatives and the different boards mom and dad are on. Once everyone's eaten and the table is cleared with the food put away, we all sit in the great room couches and catch up.

"I like you Mama Grey." Jose nods.

"I quite like the sound of that." Grace laughs.

They talk a little about girl's night and it has Grace in a fit of laughter.

"Are old broads such as myself allowed too? The last time I had a proper girls night's was when I was a young ingenue." She says wistfully.

"I prefer the term Goddess of Wisdom and the more the merrier... you can ask Elliot, we don't do much, just eat our weight in snacks, drink... and do elaborate skincare routines." Ana giggles.

"You'd be the guest of honor, Mama Grey." Jose winks.

"How did Elliot get to a part of it?" Mom asks in shock.

"Well Mama Grey, it appears your eldest son is quite the expert at girl talk." Ana laughs.

"Look at me Mom, I'm basically perfect. I can do anything. It shouldn't be a surprise." Elliot beams like the overly proud fucker than he is and Kate face palms.

"Christian, I guess it'll be just you and me, now that I've lost your mother to the masses. Ethan, I'm roping you in too." Carrick chuckles and rubs my shoulder.

We all sit and talk a little more till everyone slowly starts to head out. It's been an eventful afternoon and everyone is walking around a little buzzed and happy.

"Christian, can I talk to you over on the terrace?" Mom asks.

We step out into the afternoon sun, it's a little warm today and the fresh air feels nice.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm good mom." I give her a small smile. Of course I'm lying but I'm not going to worry her anymore than she already does.

"Well, I was just going to say, you should write her a letter. That's what you dad would do to me when he really fucked up."

"Mom..." I say in shock, Grace barely ever curses.

"It's okay, I'm older than you I can use the F word. Now listen to me, that beautiful girl looks like she's been crying. So write her a genuine heartfelt letter and treat it as a contract if you will, at least that's what Cary said to me one time. It was a reminder for him to not mess up in the future."

"How did you know?"

"Because I'm a woman and I'm a mom. It's okay, your dad and I used to fight all the time when we were young and we still do at times over trivial things but when it comes to the big things... well, I know you both have been through incredible hardships but I hope you can see past it all to love each other as you both deserve to be loved." She puts her hand on my cheek and I look down and nod.

"Thanks Mom, I'll do that."

"Good because I'd like to see grandbabies sooner than later."

"Mom... can you please relax."

"It's my job, Christian. Just let me have my fun." She laughs and winks at me.

...

After everyone left, Ana continued to avoid me by cleaning up everything and putting all the food away. I tried helping but she didn't really respond to anything I did. She has her way of doing things and she prefers doing it alone. I retreated to the walk-in closet to pack for the New York trip and then spent the rest of my time in the study catching up on work.

By the time I get done with everything it was almost 11pm. I go up to check on Ana and find her on the couch looking out the window, with her face resting on her forearms. The light is blue in her room this time. When I get closer, I see that she has fallen asleep. She looks adorable, this time in her floral pajamas and oversized WSU shirt. I pick her up and walk back to her bed, careful to not wreck the 1000 piece puzzle she working on the floor. She's about halfway done with it.

I tuck her in and lay with her for a while. Holding her tight and basking in the softness of her warmth and scent.

_Roses, Jasmine and Ana. _

_Home._

She breathes softly, sometimes she hums a little but she looks peaceful. I close my eyes for a few moments trying to soak in as much of her as I can.

"Thank you for everything today baby. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm scared of how much I need you and love you. Please forgive me. I'm going to miss you so much. I love you." I kiss her neck and hold her for a while before I reluctantly leave her to go downstairs and get some shuteye before my 2am to New York flight out of Sea-Tac.

* * *

**Authors Note**: Next two chapter will mostly be APOV.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - chapter 52

**Music:**

Drowning - BANKS

Starin' At the Sun - Post Malone feat. SZA


	53. Chapter 53

Tissue warning. Please don't read this if you're feeling a little low. Come back in two chapters. I promise things will have picked up by then.

* * *

Chapter 53 – _I will stay._

_Thursday, March 5th, 2020_

**APOV**

"Like that sense of comfort helped a shit ton before." He says, dripping with sarcasm.

What. The. Fuck. Did. This. Man. Just. Say. To. Me?

Neanderthal. I'm dating a fucking Neanderthal. This is the 15 year old, petulant asshole Christian Grey in front of me right now. _Breathe, Ana. Breathe._ Do not lose it right now. I look down at the breakfast bar and breathe.

I feel like I've been slapped in the face. I feel my temperature run cold. Don't cry. _Don't you DARE cry, Ana._

"Ana, that's not what I meant. I'm sorry." He reaches out to grab my hand. It's a firm grip and I can hear the contrition in his voice but not this time. Fuck this. He does not get to say this shit to me and then apologize. He does not get to throw my trauma back in my face and then fucking apologize because he couldn't get a handle on his fucking trap.

"Let go of my hand." I saw in a low and measured voice. I'm really trying to remain calm. God, I wish my instincts weren't so off. I'd fucking land him on his ass right now for touching me. I need to start training with Sawyer again. I need to learn how to focus all my energy again.

_Focus._

"Ana, please...I'm sorry." His voice is strained but I don't give two shits right now.

_My heart is fucking shattered_.

"Let. Go. Of. My. Hand." I enunciate trying my best to keep my anger at bay but he doesn't loosen his grip. I take a deep breath and snatch my hand out it a little more forcefully than I intended to. I don't care how it looks. He fucked up. He may not have meant it but that's why they say you need to learn how to control your anger because it can be just as damaging as physical violence.

Having your heart broken can be just as painful, if not more, than being beaten.

* * *

_Monday, March 9th, 2020_

I wake up to the sound of my alarm screeching. I try looking for my phone but find it a million miles away from me on the couch. _How the hell did I get to bed?_ I turn it off and see a few texts from Christian.

CG: Leaving for New York. Stay safe, I love you.

CG: Landed.

I should feel something but I don't. I don't want to reply but I should.

AS: Thank you for letting me know. Stay safe and good luck with everything.

I make my way down to get ready and tell Gail on the way that she doesn't have to worry about making dinner this week since I'm just one person and that I'd rather make something myself if need be.

"Do you want to have dinner with us tonight?" Gail asks.

"Are you sure? I mean, I don't want to intrude."

"Nonsense, I'm making dinner for everyone else anyway so feel free to join us."

I suddenly feel so excited... "Only if I can make dessert!"

Gail laughs. "That sounds like a deal that's too good to pass up."

"YAY! Okay, I'll see you for dinner this evening."

...

"Hi Maggie, how's my favorite man today?"

"Hey Ana, he's doing okay. He had a rough night, I won't lie. Why don't you get settled in room 24 and I'll bring him over."

Jose was at an offsite meeting and Val had to work through lunch today so I thought I'd go to the NICU again and spend some time with Adam. A part of me knows I'm setting myself up for failure in a way when I'll have to say goodbye to him... but I can't help what I feel for him. It may be just old feelings resurfacing again, feelings that I've suppressed for a really long time.

I wash my arms and hands and wait for Maggie to bring him by. I sit on the rocking chair and she places him gently in my arms and leaves. I see Sawyer standing at the door trying not to look at me but he also can't help it.

"Do you want to meet him?" I ask.

"Am I allowed to?"

"Yeah sure, why not?" Sawyer slowly walks to me and looks down at Adam.

"He's a looker." Sawyer chuckles.

"Isn't he? Hey Adam, this is Sawyer, his name is actually Luke but he likes to be a tough guy... he keeps me safe along with Prescott."

Adam is looking around with his tiny eyes. He does not seem amused by Sawyer.

"You know, you could smile a bit, you're scaring the child."

Sawyer then gives me a forced smile.

"Okay now you're just being creepy. Get out!" I laugh. He smirks and exits the room. "Okay little guy now where were we? Maggie told me you had a difficult night? Wanna tell me about it."

I rock gently and tell him about my fight with Christian and how much I actually miss him.

"I'll bring him to meet you one day, I think you'll like him. He has grey eyes like yours right now though I think your eye color is going to change a bit... who knows? Maybe he can share all his CEO secrets with you so you can grow up and be super successful and take over the world like him."

I stoke his tiny cheek and he yawns. "I guess it's time for you to sleep now baby boy, I have to leave soon too."

_Hush now, my darling_  
_Don't you cry_  
_I'll sing you to sleep_  
_with this lullaby _  
_I will stay_  
_I will stay_

Baby Adam soon drifts off into peaceful sleep.

* * *

_Tuesday, March 10__th__, 2020_

"Why did Val ditch us again?" I ask as I try to lie on the floor of my room with my legs raised up and leaning on the wall.

"She has a date with Marco from Real Estate." Jose groans while he lies right next to me in the same position. "What the fuck is this god damn yoga pose supposed to achieve?"

"Well for starters no one asked you to join me... it's supposed to help my lower back. Robbie put me through my paces on Saturday morning and I have cramps here and there. This helps open up everything... so tell me, brand new Marco?

"Yeah."

"Do we like him?"

"We think he's cute that's for sure." Jose shrugs.

"I hope he's a good one. Val deserves some happiness."

"She just needs some good dick, speaking of which... what's going on with you and Grey?"

"What do you mean?"

"Hag, I saw your face at the brunch, you looked like a mopey ass white girl who hadn't had some decent dick in a while."

I take a deep breath. "We had a fight."

"And?"

"And nothing, it's just... he needs to learn how to control what he says when he isn't getting his way."

"Ahhh... okay, so the usual hetero toxic masculinity shit?"

"Yeah, a little bit of that."

"Wanna talk about it?"

I shrug. "It's just one of those things that we have to go through... growing pains I guess. This is a first relationship for us both."

"Wait, what do you mean by that. Ain't no way this is his first relationship..." Jose is about to expire. I need to get control of this situation.

"No, I mean, his past relationships were very private and unconventional I'd say. I guess you could say, I'm the first, real relationship."

"Wait don't tell me... he was the mayor of fuck buddyville and one-night stand town?"

I burst out laughing. "I guess in a way he was."

"Damn... makes sense why never was ever seen with anyone."

"Yeah, I guess."

"...but now he's got a good one." Jose smiles at me.

"You're scaring me." Anytime he's being genuine I have the urge to check if he has a fever.

"I know... fuck I'm scaring myself too... okay back to my drama now. I had another fight with Phillip last night."

"Same thing?"

"Yeah. I swear to god, it's like his ovaries are multiplying. We met Ros and Gwen last night and he lost his shit over the baby. Almost kidnapped her."

"Jose, what is your real reservation about adopting?" I ask as I maneuver to get up and sit upright against the wall, while he remains lying down.

He takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I'm going to be a shitty parent. I'm going to fail Ana. My dad was an asshole to me, never accepted me... I mean my mom was a fucking angel and sure I love my sisters kids but I fucking get to give them back you know..."

"Yeah, it's like having a return policy."

"Yeah... like yeah I'm their cool Uncle Jose and they love me and I love them. I'd do anything for them but I also am not wholly responsible for them you know?"

"I can understand that. I have those same fears. As much as I desperately want to be a mom, I'm also really fucking scared. What if a switch flips and I become like Carla?" I say as I feel a flood of tears about to consume me.

"Why the fuck did our parents have to be such fucking pricks?"

"I don't know." I say wiping my eyes. "But Jose, I think this could be our way of healing. At least I hope it can be. Listen, you won't be alone in raising the child, Phillip will help you and I'm always nearby... they say it takes a village any way."

"Yeah I know."

"How long have you both been together again?"

"10 years. We dated for 5 years and then have been married for 5 years. When we first met we spoke about having children but knew it would be really far into the future... I thought I'd come around to it but... I guess I just put off dealing with my issues... and now, I can see that Phillip is really starting to lose it. He's 36 and has really settled into the Dad mindset."

"Did you feel anything when you held Ros and Gwen's baby?"

"I did, I always feel a surge of love when I hold a baby but I don't know about the whole changing my life entirely. I love my job and I want to fucking be the best at what I do. I love our freedom to just pick up and leave and... " he sighs and shakes his head.

"Well, who's saying that you need to become a stay at home dad Jose? You can still be a good parent and be good at your job. Have you and Phillip thought of couples counseling, talking this out with a professional... look Christian and I go for couples therapy... it's beneficial."

"You two go, well of course you go... all white people go to therapy." Jose laughs.

"Yeah, we haven't been in a while but the few times we've been... it's been really helpful." I smile at him.

"I guess I'll do that." He says distractedly... "What about you guys, have you talked about kids?"

"We've talked about it, we just haven't discussed a timeline... though I have a feeling he's going to want me to get pregnant immediately after we get married and I don't know if I'm ready for that."

"What are your reservations?"

"Well, I just started to live my life again you know? For 4 years I lived in fear and now that I've found Christian and you guys, I was happy that my life was growing but I haven't really lived you know. I haven't done much, no traveling, no real achievements... I haven't... I've just survived trauma. These past 4 years I was just... surviving. That's all that's on my resume. I wanted to live a little before I became a mom. What if I resent it? I mean, I know Christian ready to settle down. He's going to be 31 this year... but I'm only 24... I don't know..."

"For what it's worth, you'd be a great mom. You have nothing to worry about."

"Are you trying to make me cry?" my voice wavers.

"Shut the fuck up and let's go downstairs... I need some more wine." Jose groans and tries to get up.

We go downstairs and I whip us a quick dinner. A spicy cajun shrimp pasta with some of the left over blueberry French toast from the brunch with some vanilla ice-cream for dessert.

"Hag... I think the only reason why we're friends is because you can cook."

"I think the only reason why anyone is friends with me is because I can cook." I laugh.

"Have you talked to your man since the fight?"

"Not really, we had a bit of discussion the morning before the brunch where I told him to get his shit together and then he left yesterday before I woke up."

"Did he apologize?"

"He did a couple of times but that's not that point. He's done this before... I'm just... I don't know what to do."

"You know they've invented telephone and facetime right? Phone sex that shit, girl."

I roll my eyes. "We've texted but it's been just to let each other know we're back home. He gets my updates from Sawyer and Prescott. He knows I'm safe."

"Are you for real? That's what you're going with?"

I sigh in frustration... over Christian and over myself. "Jose, I'm really trying. I just... I know I have my bad habits but I've just been hurt so many times before that when he says something to me... I just shut down and retreat because I have a temper too and I know I can say something equally damaging and I don't want us to get to a point where we lose each other so I keep my mouth shut..." Now the floodgates have opened and I'm a snotty mess.

Jose leans in and gives me a hug.

"If I told you half of the hurtful shit Phillip and I have said to each other you'd be surprised that we're still together. Listen, it's clear that you both have got issues... I mean, hello, all white people do, I'm married to one." He laughs and I can't help but giggle too. "... but you've got each other and when you throw emotion into the mix well, yeah it's sometimes the fear that's talking. Think of it this way, if he's exercising patience... as much as he can that is... with this situation with your family then how about you try and exercise patience with his need to keep you safe and away from other men. He's obviously never been in a position where a woman could easily dump his ass. I mean have you seen him?"

"That's what I don't get Jose... like you know this better than I do... all the women in GEH, heck the world would drop their panties for him in a heartbeat... I should be the one who is insanely insecure and I am but I try to mentally keep it under lock and key and trust that he chose me and that he would never break my heart that way... then why can't he see that he's the only man in my life? I mean... you've read all the shit online and how they've been picking me apart... he could have so many beautiful women... I'm not a match for any of that. I barely measure up." I wipe the tears from my eyes and suddenly all the faces of the previous subs flash before my eyes and I sob.

"Hey... hey... look, I know how it feels to still see yourself as the fat ugly kid from high school. We both went through that... except we weren't ugly... we just decided to wear our traumas on the outside and insulate our real selves. You're not that girl anymore Ana and I'm not that boy. We've come a long way from all of that. We've got to celebrate how fucking amazing we are and all that we've achieved personally and professionally. I mean look at this JLo booty I got? And look at yourself... minus these hideous pajamas and college t-shirt." He says in disgust and I laugh. "You're a beautiful woman inside and out. I mean that. You're more than what you look like to Christian. He's obviously smitten with you. I've seen how he looks at you, like the guy can't want to fuck you... " he fans himself. "but he also just really loves who you are. Trust me... any human being who sees you two interact, can see that."

I close my eyes and nod, wiping my face.

"Look, you may not see yourself as a hot piece of ass, but you are. Trust me, I've saw how some of the fucktards at GEH would check you out, the only reason why they never made a move because they all knew, that I knew all the gossip that could ruin them... "

I giggle. "So you were protecting me?"

"In a way, yes. You deserved the best and you got him. Why the fuck else was I trying to get you to see Grey in a fuckable light? Though, now I know you were fucking him all along."

"Well, only since November." I laugh.

"Best kept secret of the century... till it wasn't." He smirks.

"Why wasn't Val afforded that protection?"

"I tried but that bitch doesn't want protection she only wants erections." he deadpans and I lose it.

* * *

_Wednesday, March 11__th__ 2020_

I say goodnight to Sawyer and Prescott before heading up to the apartment. Gail texted me that I got a package and she left it on the dining table. I don't remember ordering anything, maybe Nani or Mama sent me something but then again they usually tell me when they do.

I exit the elevator and walk towards the kitchen and dining area and I see a delicate arrangement. As I walk closer I see it in its entirety and it's so beautiful. It's almost abstract, with branches sprouting out. I'm reminded of pictures I've seen of cherry blossoms in bloom; like the promises that the season of spring can bring. I see an envelope next to it with my name written in script. It's Christian's handwriting.

A lump in my throat forms. I shake my head. I pick up the arrangement and letter and walk to Christians room.

I check the time. It's a little after 7:30pm. I take a quick shower and wear one of his shirts and a pair of tights. My stomach is growling so I scarf down some of the left over pasta from last night and run back to Christians room and sit on the bed to read the letter. I stare at it for a few minutes. Why am I nervous?

I open it slowly and open the folded paper inside.

_Dear Ana,_

_I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry for what I said and how acted in the heat of the moment. You're right. I'm an insecure man. I have only ever been concerned with my needs, again just another by product of my past. You don't deserve that. You deserve a man that is worthy of you. A man that realizes how incredible you are and all that you're willing to give and doesn't hurt you with his words when he doesn't have his way._

_I see the love and respect you show my parents and my siblings. You're creating a life for us and I'm too stubborn to see that sometimes. I see the dedication you have and all that you've done to help GEH. You've gone above and beyond to fill my life with love and joy but my fear of losing you is inadvertently pushing you away. I'm just a husk of a man but I am trying my best to be the man who deserves you in all that you are. In our most difficult times, you have shown me love and compassion when I didn't deserve it. I know you have enough ammunition to tear me down but you don't. My fear of losing you has been the reason why we've had problems since the beginning. I see that now. You always talk to me and try to explain things but I'm stubborn and sometimes unable to see past my own issues. _

_I thought to love someone was to need them in the most desperate way because that's how I love you and need you but now I realize that the way you show me love doesn't mean that you don't need me, it's just different. It's no less and no more. You love me and I know that. I just need to work on myself to see it in the ways you show it then believe it with eyes closed and not be threatened by trivial things that happen in our lives. You have told me time and time again that you're mine and that you only want to be with me. I shouldn't need reassurances but sometimes I can't believe you're real and that you are mine. After everything I've done... I wonder why the universe was still so kind to bring you to me. You're purest energy who has brought so much light and joy into my empty and dark world._

_I'm working on myself to be patient and deserving of you. I was barely living before you Ana and the idea of not having you in my life is something that scares me to my core. You are my world now. I love you. I trust you. You are the love of my life. You mean everything to me. _

_Please forgive me. _

_Yours, always._

_Christian._

I fold the letter, putting it back in the envelope as I wipe the tears from my eyes.

_I wish I could hold him right now. _

I check the time, it's about 11:15pm in New York. I wonder if he's up.

_Just shut up and call him Ana._

The phone rings once.

"Ana?"

I swallow.

"Hi..." fuck, it's like I've forgotten to speak.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything is fine... I hope I didn't wake you."

"No baby, you didn't. I was just working on some emails then I was going to try and get some sleep."

"How's New York been so far?" _Really Ana, that's what you're going to ask him? Just get to the damn point._

"It's been productive. I haven't been here since November and these guys need a kick in the ass every now and then."

A giggle escapes me. I can imagine him screaming up a storm in the New York office while everyone runs to save their ass.

"I've missed that sound." He breathes.

"I got the flowers and your letter. Thank you. They were beautiful and the letter was... thank you for writing to me."

"I meant every word of it."

"I know."

"I miss you baby."

"I miss you too, when will you come home?"

"I like that you call Escala home, before you I never thought to call it that."

"Home is where the heart is."

"Yeah it is. I'll be back on Friday evening."

"Hmm okay."

"What have you been up to?"

"I think you know what I've been up to." I laugh.

He chuckles. "You're a better storyteller than Sawyer and Prescott's bland security reports."

"I've been telling Sawyer to step up his security report game but he's stubborn... Monday night, Gail invited me over for dinner with the security team and I made them chocopots as a thank you. I went to the NICU yesterday during my lunch hour and Jose had a big fight with Phillip so he came over after work last night and we sat around like a couple of biddies gossiping about Val's sex life and then this evening I went to Pilates and now I'm here talking to you."

"That's quite an eventful week already Miss Steele."

"Hardly, Mr. Grey, one would think the world of Mergers and Acquisitions in New York would be far more riveting."

"I've missed that smart mouth."

"And it misses you."

"It was really mad at me before I left."

"It still is a little bit but I think it's my job to be a little bit mad at you all the time. Gotta keep up my standing in the girlfriend club otherwise I'll lose my membership."

He laughs out loud. I miss this Christian. Young, happy and carefree Christian.

"You're funny Miss Steele."

"I try, I try." I sass.

* * *

_Thursday, March 12__th__, 2020_

I couldn't sleep all night. Even after my call with Christian I had a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've been distracted because of it all morning. I feel uneasy. I let Sawyer know in the morning that I wanted to spend my lunch hour at the Seattle-Mason NICU again.

I get to the NICU ward and meet with Hazel. She's only works from Thursday to Sunday.

"Hi Hazel, I'm here to meet my little man." I giggle.

She gives me a small smile. "You mind walking with me, I wanted to talk to you about something."

I follow her into one of the empty nursing rooms.

She takes a deep breath and holds my hand. "I'm really sorry Ana, but Adam didn't make it through the night.

I feel my heart drop and my body go numb. No... No.. Please... no... he was perfectly fine when I saw him on Tuesday.

"B-but... he was fine on Tuesday... he was getting s-stronger..." I can barely speak.

"He developed respiratory problems early Wednesday morning and was struggling... " she looks down.

I nod as I try to keep the tears from falling.

"I know how much you adored him."

I nod again, unable to speak.

"Do you want to continue with you session today or do you need some time?" she asks me softly.

"I think I should come back later." My voice is thick and my heart is a mess.

She nods and gives me hand a squeeze before walking out.

I walk out and run to find the restroom and lock myself in one of the stalls.

_Breathe, Ana. Breathe._

I can't.

I can't.

I bring both hands to my mouth to keep myself from wailing and sobbing out loud.

_FLASHBACK_

_September 26__th__, 2008_

_When will this class end? No one is really paying attention. Mrs O'Leary, bless her heart is such a nice woman but she sure as hell knows how to make me hate history... and I love history. One more period till it's time to go home. Can it be 3pm already?_

"_Anastasia Steele, please report to the Principal's office." The speaker booms._

_The class is suddenly filled with ooooh's and aahhhhh's. _

_I've never gotten into trouble like this. I quickly scan my brain for any possible reasons why I could be called over as I quickly gather my things but nothing comes to mind._

_I run down the hallway and book it to the Principal's office where I see Dad standing by the welcome desk with Principal Moore._

_I swallow._

"_Is everything okay?" I ask trying to hide my nervousness._

"_Your father is here to pick you up, Anastasia." _

_I look at Dad again and it's a worried look I've only seen when he came to pick me up from Vegas. I feel the hairs at the back of neck stand up._

"_Come on, Annie. Let's go, I'll explain on the way."_

_I nod and give Principal a small smile and follow Dad to the car._

"_What happened Dad?" I ask as he starts the car and pulls out of the school parking lot._

"_It's Mama, she's in the hospital. She's not feeling well."_

_Don't cry, Ana. It'll be fine. Don't cry._

"_Okay. She'll be fine right? It's nothing too serious?"_

"_Nita fainted at the middle school this morning. She wasn't feeling well." He gives me a small smile._

_He's worried. If he's worried then something much really be wrong... but why come to pick up so late?_

_I start to recite some of the prayers Nani taught me. Mama will be fine. She has to be._

_We get to the hospital and I find Nani in the waiting room. When did she get here? _

_I run to her and give her a hug._

"_I missed you meri jaan." She holds me tight and gives me a smile. She has tears in her eyes._

"_What happened Nani?"_

"_Your mama isn't feeling well"_

"_Is the baby okay?"_

_She looks to Dad and he nods to her._

"_Aana, Mama wasn't feeling well and... the baby... well..."_

"_She had another miscarriage?" _

_Nani silently nods._

"_I understand." I look back at Dad and it's the first time I've ever seen tears in his eyes. The past two times this happened, it was overnight and much earlier in the pregnancy and they'd be able to keep it from me till they were ready to tell me... this time is different. Nita just had her 12 week scan and everything was looking good but with this hospital visit... they can't really keep it from me._

"_Come on, I'll take you home. We can make dinner. Your dad has to stay here with Mama." _

"_Can I see her please?"_

"_She's sleeping right now, meri jaan."_

"_We'll come back later this evening, I promise." She gives me a small smile._

_I give Dad a hug and he kisses my forehead. "You're my girl of Steele, Annie." _

_I nod and walk out._

_I don't say much on the car ride home. Benny drops us home and I go straight to my room and dig through my drawer for the plain white onesie I bought with my first ever $30 I got for helping rearranging Mrs. Lewis's collection of architecture books in alphabetical order._

_I hold that onesie and cry. _

_I grab my little black journal that I had been keeping for Baby Steele and write. Each time Mama got pregnant I started a new journal. Writing little letters to hopefully share with Baby Steele once they were old enough. Recording little video and creating a memory book with pictures... _

_September 26__th__, 2008._

_Dear Baby Steele,_

_Today we lost you. I never got to meet you but I miss you. I know you are in a better place. I just hope you know how much we loved you._

_Whether you were Adam Raymond Steele or Aisha Sophia Steele, you were so loved._

_Love,_

_Aanapa._

_END FLASHBACK._

* * *

**Authors Note**:I will explain the personal thought process behind this chapter in the next one. If you have siblings, make sure you let them know you love them.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - Chapter 53

**Music:**

Lullaby - Mree


	54. Chapter 54

**This is a continuation of Chapter 53. Please do not read if you're feeling low because it is a sad chapter.**

Again. Please do not read if you don't want to be sad.

I lost my little sister when I was in my late teens. She'd been ill on and off. I won't go into too much detail but needless to say my parents focused all their energies on her. She died unexpectedly. For the longest time I resented my parents because all our lives revolved around decisions that would be beneficial to my sister and it seemed like they finally saw me only after my sister died. I of course felt like an asshole once I realized how selfish I had been. My mom had a conversation with me a few months after my sisters passing... we talked about how we didn't know what to do anymore. We suddenly lost direction but that she knew she wanted to develop a relationship with me because she realized she knew close to nothing about me outside of my being her daughter. We now have a pretty good relationship.

Ana's longing for a sibling mirrors my own. This chapter has a reference to Chapter 12, where Nita and Ana talk about her father.

A special shoutout to **Taino Delsan13**. I'm my parents caretaker too now.

**bandrocks**: check your PM's.

To everyone else who took the time to read the last chapter and still comment. I really appreciate it. I truly do. It means so much that you were able to feel what I was trying to achieve with it.

* * *

**Chapter 54 – _Everything I do, I'm gonna think of you_**

_Thursday, March 12__th__, 2020_

_FLASHBACK_

_September 26__th__, 2008._

_Dear Baby Steele,_

_Today we lost you. I never got to meet you but I miss you. I know you are in a better place. I just hope you know how much we loved you._

_Whether you were Adam Raymond Steele or Aisha Sophia Steele, you were so loved._

_Love,_

_Aanapa._

_END FLASHBACK._

I try my best to keep myself from making a sound. My body shakes.

_Breathe._

_Breathe._

_BREATHE GOD DAMMIT._

_I can't breathe. _

_I _

_Can't_

_Breathe._

"Miss Steele?" I hear Prescott's concerned voice.

"I...I... need a minute..." I manage to blurt out.

"Miss Steele, are you alright. Please open the door."

"Please give... me... one... minute... "

"Ana... open the door please." She coaxes.

I slowly unlock the stall door and walk out but don't look at her.

She tries to come close to me but I take two steps back towards the wall shaking my head.

"What happened Ana?"

I can't speak. If I say it, I'll completely breakdown. I just shake my head, looking down on the floor. I feel another wave of sadness take over and I breakdown unable to breathe.

Prescott in a unprecedented move pulls me in a hug and I cry as she holds me. She rubs my back and lets me cry.

"What happened Ana?"

I shake my head. "Pl-please don't tell Christian..."

"Ana, I have to let him know."

"Please don't... I'll be fine... I just needed a minute" I tell her and pull away. I look in the mirror and I'm a fucking mess. I wash my face and try to look presentable.

"Was it a bad memory?" She asks, looking at me with concern.

I silently shake my head. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to feel anything.

"S... we're going to need a few minutes. Bring the car around in the meantime." Prescott speaks into her earpiece.

...

**CPOV**

After talking to Ana last night, I decided not to stay till Friday. I had the important meetings pushed up to today and the rest could be handled via video conference from Seattle. I want to be back with her.

It's almost 3:30 and we're on the jet at Teterboro about to take off when I get a call from Sawyer. I feel a slight sense of panic.

"Sawyer."

"Sir, Miss Steele is fine... but when we took her to the NICU during her lunch break she talked to one of the nurses and seemed distressed. Prescott followed her into the bathroom where she broke down. She won't tell her why and she insisted on going back to work. Do you want us to tell Miss Kavanagh to check in?"

_Fuck. What the hell happened?_

"What made her react this way?"

"The nurse won't tell me anything, HIPAA laws but I suspect it has to do with one of the babies she was assigned to. His name is Adam."

_Adam? She never told me anything about that._

"Thank you for the update Sawyer. Hold off on the call to Miss Kavanagh for now but monitor the situation and text me throughout. We're about to take off from New York. Ana doesn't know and I'd like to keep it that way."

"Yes sir."

"Let me know if anything changes."

"Will do, Sir."

I hang up and text Gail to make sure something is cooked for Ana to eat. She told me that Ana asked her not to cook anything for the week but I don't want to take any chances... if she's had a bad day then she needs to eat, even if I have to force feed her.

...

By the time with land and make to Escala, it's about 7:30pm, PST. Sawyer texted me that Ana remained quiet on the car ride home.

I exit the elevator and the apartment is dark and quiet, I walk up to her room but all the lights are off and she's not there. _Odd._

I walk down and head to the bedroom and hear the music playing; the soft notes of the guitar and a woman singing. She sounds heartbroken.

_Baby, can't you see if there is such a thing  
Of loving someone so much that you need  
To give them time to let them breathe  
But you don't understand,  
I wish you understood  
Oh, I hope one day you do_

I take off my jacket and loosen my tie and take off my shoes and throw them in the corner. I see the bathroom light is on.

_Everything I make,  
I only make for you  
Baby, be patient for me  
And please don't fall in love with someone new  
I promise, one day I'll come back for you_

I walk towards the bathroom but the music is interrupted by a phone call.

"Mama." Ana says as her voice breaks.

"Aanu, what happened baby?" Nita's concerned voice echoes.

Ana starts to cry. I feel a lump throat but I'm frozen at the threshold.

"Aanu, you're scaring me..."

"I...I... I'm sorry... I just needed to talk to you."

"Tell me what happened, meri jaan..."

"Remember when I told you I signed up for the NICU cuddler program at Seattle-Mason."

"Go on..."

"I got assigned to a baby boy named Adam."

"Oh darling..." I hear Nita's voice waver and Ana breaks down.

"He died Mama..."

"I'm so sorry darling..."

"No I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." She wails.

"Why are you sorry, baby?"

"I asked you for something that ended up causing you and dad so much pain. I am so fucking sorry."

"Aanu, what are you talking about?"

"If I hadn't asked for a sibling... you guys would never have experienced all that pain. I'm just so sorry."

"Aanu, none of that was your fault. Is that what you've been thinking all these years? No darling, it was never your fault. Never, ever think that... Listen to me... it just wasn't meant to be. My body couldn't handle it. You did nothing wrong Aanu."

"B-but... I was so selfish... I only thought about my own loneliness and I asked for something so big."

"Have you been feeling this way all these years?"

"I tried not to but I couldn't help it."

"Aanu, listen... you know when we asked you what you wanted as a gift for your 11th birthday, we honestly thought you'd ask for a trip to somewhere or I don't know... just anything but a sibling. Truth is, Ray and I had been talking about having a baby but we were trying to figure out how to ask you. We didn't know how you'd react. You'd been Ray's little girl for so long, we didn't want you to think you'd be replaced but as always Aanu, you surprised us."

Ana sniffs and tries to calm down her breathing.

"You know what Baba said to me the first time he met you? He said, this girl has the power in her to show people what they need before they can ever realize it for themselves... and it made so much sense to me. You made me want to fall in love again. You brought Ray to me."

I feel a surge of emotion. She's right. In my first interaction with Ana, I knew I need more in this life. I had started to imagine more the moment I met her.

"Why didn't he ever say that to me?" Ana asks with a broken voice.

"You know how your Nana was... a man of few emotions and even fewer words."

"He was so beautiful Ma... " she cries again.

"I'm sure he was my love... but he is in a better place now. He's no longer in pain."

Ana says something in Urdu, it sounds so fucking heartbreaking and fucking hell I wish I could understand the damn language... I need to fix this.

"Aanu, you don't have to ask for forgiveness because you did nothing wrong... tell me, are you alone right now?"

"Yeah, Christian is still in New York, he comes back tomorrow."

"What about Kate, you want me to call her?"

"No Ma, I'll be fine. I just wanted to talk to you."

"Have you talked to anyone else about this?"

"No...not really."

"You should, darling. You should talk to your therapist... Kate or Christian about it... don't keep this bottled up."

"I can't talk to them... they all have siblings... I would sound so stupid... crying about something that almost never happened... I'm already such a fucking burden. Fucking sad all the time..."

"Aanu, what did I tell you before you left SF after the wedding... remember when you asked me about falling in love with Ray?"

"Yeah... you said I have to let myself be my absolute self be with the one I love... that I should let their love carry me sometimes... that I don't always have to be strong."

"Exactly, your partner shouldn't just love you because you're happy all the time. They should love you in sadness too but you have to let him love you in sadness."

"But what if he leaves me?" She breaks down again. "There's too much shit... "

_I could never leave you Ana. Never._

"Christian is not that person. He's committed to you. Look, when I went out with Ray for the first time... we had a lovely dinner and then we sat in the car and talked outside of my apartment building. We just got lost talking and I told him everything, Aanu, things I didn't even tell my therapist... I hadn't told anyone... too much for a first date and at one point I stopped talking, thinking he might just never want to go out with me again or only want to be friends but you know what he said... he said I don't want you to ever feel alone again. I want you to share every sadness with me because you do not deserve to be stuck in the darkness all alone like this." Her voice breaks and I hear her cry a little.

Nita's influence on Ana shines through in this moment. The warmth in Ana's voice, her inflections and playfulness... it's all from Nita. She really is her mother. No bond of blood is needed.

"Your father was a wonderful man and he showed me infinite love in the time that we had together."

"Yeah, he was great wasn't he? Though, I could've told you that he clearly wanted to be more than friends with you no matter what. The man wanted in your panties Nita... I may not have understood it back then but I was there when he first saw you... sucker didn't know hit him." Ana giggles and Nita laughs.

"Aanu... don't be silly." She chides playfully.

"What?... I can say that. He was head over heels for ya!" Ana sasses and it makes me smile. In so much sadness she still finds a way to laugh.

"I was the same for him."

"I miss him all the time." Ana whimpers.

"Me too, meri jaan. Every waking moment... but Aanu, please don't keep things from me. I want you tell me whatever you're going through... you shouldn't be afraid. I will always be here for you, no matter what."

Ana breaks down again. "I'm trying Mama, I'm really trying..."

They talk for a few more minutes and Nita makes Ana promise her that she'll eat dinner and take some pain killers before going to bed.

"I've been thinking I need to visit you in Seattle, when is a good time?"

"The week after the next would be great. I can't promise if Christian will be free, his COO went on maternity leave so things will be hectic for him but we can definitely spend time together. I'm sure he can at least meet us for dinner especially if you bribe him with the beef curry. "

Nita laughs "Okay that sounds like a plan, I'll run it by Nani and I'll ask Rania if she wants to come too."

By the time she's done with the call, I'm sitting on the bench on the other side of the wall behind the tub. I want to hold her and absorb all her sadness but I don't even know where to start. I don't know what to say that would comfort her.

The music starts up again as soon as she hangs up and I hear her get out of the tub and see her walk out of the bathroom in her robe but she doesn't notice me.

_I promise baby, one day, I'll come back to you  
I promise baby, one day, I'll come back to you_

A few minutes later she exits the walk-in closest wearing one of my buttoned shirts and a pair tights.

_She too thinks I'll leave her... but I couldn't. I wouldn't survive._

I walk out the bedroom towards the kitchen. She's quietly working with her back towards me. I don't want to scare her so I stand by the breakfast bar and call out to her softly

It still scares her and she spins around with wide eyes. Her face is red and her eyes are puffy. _My beautiful girl._

She stares at me for a moment, and blinks of few times as I close the gap between us. I hold her face and lean in, my lips hovering over hers... silently asking for permission. She raises her face up and gives me a small kiss.

"I thought you were coming back tomorrow evening, I was going to cook you dinner." She whispers and I hear the strain in her voice as a tear falls.

"I missed you so I came back early."

She nods slowly and looks down.

"What happened today Ana?"

Her body goes tense and her jaw clenches. "I told Prescott not to tell you. I just had a moment. Is that why you came back?"

"No baby, I was already at Teterboro when I got the call."

She looks away.

"Tell me baby, what made you so upset?"

_Tell me Ana... tell me on your own._

She takes a deep shuddering breath. "One of the babies I was assigned to, his name was Adam. He passed away last night."

"That's never happened before when you used to volunteer?"

"No it has. This one just hit harder." She swallows. "When Nita was pregnant, we had decided on Adam for a boy and Aisha for a girl." Tears fall from her eyes.

I pull her into a hug and hold her and kiss her forehead.

"Let's have dinner, baby and then you can talk to me about whatever is on your mind."

She silently nods and we work to do just that. Gail made us a chicken potpie with mac and cheese. Ana starts to feel a little better as soon as she eats. She asks me all about New York and makes jokes here and there.

"I got you something from New York." I tell her as we load the dishwasher.

She looks at me a little confused and I pull a box out from the refrigerator and place it on the counter nearby.

She looks at it and her face lights up.

"CAFÉ SABARSKY?" She beams at me. "How did you know?"

I give her a quick kiss. This is how I want to always see her.

"Mia told me how much you loved going to this café when you'd visit New York. She tried it when she went there in December and loved it."

She opens the box it's an assortment of all the hazelnut chocolate pastries she loves given her obsession with anything hazelnut flavored.

"You've never been?" she asks.

"I told you, I barely ever explored New York outside of business dinners."

"Oh Mr. Grey, prepared to be blessed. This place has some of the best desserts." She giggles and gets out plates and two forks.

She takes out two pastries and we try them. I nod in agreement. They do taste good.

"How did you find this place?"

"I found it on my way walking to the Guggenheim. I saw the Neue Gallerie and walked in. They had a café so I checked it out. I didn't want to eat alone so I bought a few pastries and took it back to the apartment for everyone to try. Then sometimes I'd go with Kiran if she was ever free... but that was rare." She says wistfully.

"She didn't like the things you liked?"

She shrugs. "Not really. She was always about the newest thing and I tagged along because... that's what I had been doing since childhood. She was the cool older cousin who gave me attention. She'd joke that I was an old grandma trapped inside a teenagers body."

"There's nothing about you that screams grandma." I chuckle.

"Well, it's almost 9:30pm on a Thursday night and I want to cuddle in bed. I think that qualifies me as a grandma." She giggles.

"Come Miss Steele, lets get you into bed."

I take a quick shower and when I return she's sitting indian style on the bed going through her phone but puts it away when I get in. She comes in close and holds on to me and I play with her hair.

"Tell me what's going through your mind, baby." I look into her eyes.

She swallows and looks down for a few moments.

_Tell me, Ana._

"Adam's death brought back these feelings that I had suppressed for so long... when Nita went through the third miscarriage I saw Ray cry for the first time in my life. Nani told me to be strong for them and I for some reason understood that as a directive to not cry... I thought crying would be weakness. I barely ever cried in front of them any way but I was so sad when it all happened. I would only cry in my room before going to bed at night. I'd look out of the skylight and think that they were now stars. Happy and safe. If I barely ever cried before the accident, I now cry all the fucking time." Except, she doesn't cry as she speaks. She just stares down.

"I so desperately wanted to be a big sister. I wanted to feel like I was needed. Kiran and Vishaal had each other. Karan had Aashu and Rania had Ahad and Priya but I had no one. I thought if I had a sibling, I'd dress them up and play with them. Take them hiking with me... to target practice... and when I grew up and was successful, I'd take them on trips with me and I'd have such a good and strong bond like my cousins had with their siblings... but I guess I wasn't meant to have that... I acted like it didn't affect me but in reality I didn't want to upset mama and dad. I just signed up for more shit at school to keep my busy and not think about the loneliness. I once asked Carla why she never wanted to have another baby and she said that it took her forever to get her body back, she wasn't going to put her self through that again. She never said it but I always felt like a mistake in her eyes." She's still not crying but he voice is strained.

I kiss her forehead and pull her even closer to me.

"I wanted to have memories to share. My only connection to Ray right now is Nita. Once Nita is gone... I don't share this name or memories with anyone else. If I had a sibling then we'd have all these memories and we wouldn't be alone but... it's like you have Elliot and Mia. You have memories with your parents and siblings as a whole and then just you and your parents... and then memories that you probably have separately with each parent and each sibling you know... I don't have that and I wish I did. I just wanted a bond. I may not have ended up sharing blood with their child but we would've shared an upbringing and a name. ... I don't know maybe I'm not explaining this right."

"No I understand what you're saying..." I understand completely. She longed for the bonds that I had all along but never appreciated. That's the different between me and her, I just wanted to take and she's always wanted to give. She's a giver and a healer.

"I told Adam about you on Tuesday. I told him that we had a fight and that I missed you. I told him that I'd introduce you two and you could give him some pointers on being a CEO so he could run the world like you." She wipes her face and giggles.

"Sawyer sent me a picture of you rocking him in his security report. You looked so beautiful."

She hides her face in the crook of my neck and cries while I try my best to soothe her. After a few minutes she pulls away.

"I'm sorry you came back home after so many days to my being a in a sad and depressed funk."

"I'll take you any way I can get you Miss Steele. I want you to be however you're feeling with me. I want you to tell me anything and everything. Even when you're murderously pissed off at me."

She giggles and I kiss her.

"I'm really sorry baby."

"You really hurt me Christian. I would never purposely put myself in a situation where I could get hurt again... and I would never let a man try to sway me against you. They could try everything and I wouldn't ever leave you for someone else."

I swallow. "I know. I trust you. It's other people I don't trust."

"You're concern should only be with trusting me. I always keep security close by, I think I've been pretty good about that. I see how women throw themselves at you and stare at you. I've been seeing and hearing it all since I started at GEH... and now with the press and how they pick me apart..." she shakes her head. "You don't think I feel insecure? That someone better and far prettier and accomplished could come along? I have to constantly remind myself to not let it affect me because it will poison what we have. I mean, we haven't really been out in public yet but I imagine whenever we do... well, I think we could totally make a game out of the number of women who will hit on your versus the men who would hit on me. You'd win that game by a mile hands down."

"I would, wouldn't I?" I laugh.

"Conceited bastard." She grumbles and I shower her with kisses.

"I love you. Only you. Now and forever, Ana. I'm always thinking of you and always wanting you... always needing you." I stroke her cheek.

"I feel the same way about you Christian."

I climb on top of her to kiss her soundly. We make quick work of taking off our clothes. It's been too long since I've been this close to her and inside her.

"Fuck Ana... I can never get enough of you." I whisper in her ear as I slide into her and slowly move.

She arches her back and bites her lip trying to suppress a moan with her eyes closed.

I take my time. It's been too fucking long and I need this to last.

"Please..." she begs.

O_h baby... we're going to drag this out._

"Did you miss me baby?"

"So much... please Christian..." she cries out.

"I want to stay inside you as long as I can baby...I need my fill of you... it's been too long."

She whimpers out in frustration and I kiss and nip her neck and soon enough she starts to tremble...

...

"No please..." she giggles and squeals. "Christian stopppp. I can't..."

"Yes you can and you will, Anastasia." I growl into her neck and work to make her come a fourth time.

I don't know how but we somehow end up almost falling off the bed by the end of everything.

"Miss Steele..." I call out trying to catch my breath "Can we put a time limit on our fights... because not being able to fuck you is real torture for me."

She laughs out loud "Did you just hand me your Kryptonite?"

"Such immodesty does not become you Miss Steele." I chuckle and bite her nipple while she moans and giggles.

"Ya still love me in all my immodesty, Grey."

"That I do... now tell me... what are you plans for tomorrow evening?"

"Why, are you going to try and give me 4 more orgasms?"

"That's a given but what are you dinner plans?"

"I'm home. Why?"

"Good, we're going out for date night."

"Wait... Christian, we don't have to... I know you have work..."

"Baby, I've been working non-stop since last Friday... I want to spend time with my girl."

She looks at me and traces my lips with her fingers. "Where are we going?" she asks softly.

"Canlis. Sawyer will drive you. I have a late conference call, so I'll meet you there after work."

"Okay..." she says a little nervously.

"Why are you nervous?"

She shrugs. "Being in public makes me a little nervous now but... I know I have to get over it. Now that the press doesn't really hang outside of GEH, I'd like to go back to walking to the health bar nearby... all this staying inside indoors is driving me crazy. I miss doing some of the normal stuff I did before."

"As long as you have Sawyer and Prescott with you."

"Yeah, I'll keep them close. Plus Jose and Val will be with me too sometimes so I'll be fine I think. I'll take it slow."

I kiss her cheek.

"I want more than just date night and few hours on the weekend with you Ana. I know you're trying to make it easy on me but I want you to demand time from me... yes I have to work but I need my time with you."

She takes a deep breath and opens her mouth to say something but stops and her brow furrows... "Christian, you spent a lot of time building GEH, I'm not going to just waltz in and be like pay attention to me and wine and dine me all the time. That's not who I am."

"I know... and I love that about you but you should. I'm yours and you should demand attention from me. Interrupt me when I work and remind me that there's a life and world outside of my office... I never want to go back to that workaholic who never smiled or kept his blinders on. I missed out on so many months where I could had you in my life..."

She slowly nods.

"I want us to have a lunch twice a week at least. One day where we're alone and for the second we can invite Elliot, Jose and Val if you want...maybe Ros and Gwen can join the land of the living too here and there with the baby."

She laughs out loud. "Mr. Grey... when did you become so funny?"

"I started dating this little comedian... she rubbed off on me. Literally and figuratively."

"Though, I suppose you'd prefer more of the literal rubbing over the figurative?" she wiggles her eyebrows.

I laugh and shake my head. "Always."

_That smart mouth_.

* * *

**Authors Note**: I promise the next chapter is lighthearted.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

**Music:**

Someone New - Banks.


	55. Chapter 55

To every single human being who reviewed the last two chapters. I cannot thank you enough for your kindness and thoughfulness. It means the world to me that you also chose to share your truths on such a public forum. I am humbled. I'm sending you all hugs. I have replied to some of you via PM so please log in and check them.

I promise this chapter would be lighthearted and I hope you enjoy it... I love you all my new fanfic familia.

p.s. quick shoutout to **quirkycheetos**, i'm obsessed with your username.

* * *

**Chapter 55 – _I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need_**

_Friday, March 13__th__, 2020_

**APOV**

It was Kate's birthday yesterday but she was holed up in meetings all day for us to meet for lunch so here we are on Friday the 13th. I told Christian last night that us girls we're going to meet at the metropolitan grill for lunch. He didn't really say much beyond saying that he'd let security know and for me to be careful which is always a given.

Before I left he called to tell me that everything would be taken care of and to enjoy myself. We met Kate at the restaurant and the staff was tripping over themselves to make sure we were felt accommodated. It felt... _VERY_ weird. We were seated in a nice, secluded corner booth with some really fancy ass champagne according to Jose and Kate. I couldn't even tell you the name if my life depended on it but they seemed to really like it.

I really love my man right now. I'd definitely go up to his office to show him some appreciation but he's stuck in meetings and calls all day.

_Boo._

"Sooo... tell your girls, what'd you get last night?" Jose asks, dying for the scoop.

_FLASHBACK_

_Tuesday, March 3__rd__, 2020_

"_So I talked to Eamon and got his blessing." Elliot lets out a sigh of relief._

"_Did he give you a hard time?" I laugh._

"_I thought he would but our conversation was really heartfelt, I'd say. He talked about his own regrets in his marriage and gave me advice and asked me to keep his baby girl happy. To be honest, I thought he'd tell me he already bought my burial plot where he was gonna dump my ass if I broke Kate's heart."_

_Oh crap. Eamon bringing out the feels._

"_Yeah, Kate's his mini-me... I'm so happy for you Elliot." I give him a hug._

"_So, when you gonna ask her?" Jose pipes up._

"_Next Friday."_

"_Uh, no you're not. Next week is Friday the 13__th__." I warn him._

"_So?" Elliot asks thoroughly confused._

"_Dios Mio... this BOY..." Jose rolls his eyes and gulps down his wine._

"_Listen to me, even if you don't believe in that shit, you never do any life altering shit on Friday the 13__th__. Trust me, Kavanagh will say no just to fuck with you and make you cry like a baby."_

"_No she won't."_

"_I know her on a molecular level, Grey." I give him the Steele glare._

"_Fuck... okay fine, Saturday morning? Is that acceptable to you?"_

"_Yes."_

"_I should probably pass this information on to Dorothy... just to make sure he doesn't fuck up."_

"_Oh... I guarantee he will fuck up regardless but it's okay... at least it'll make for an entertaining story." I giggle. _

"_I can't wait. A Grey wedding... god knows when this hag is getting married... oh by the way, I know we just met recently but I'm inviting myself to your wedding. Thanks." Jose randomly interjects like the shameless Queen he is._

_FLASHBACK ENDS._

"Birthday cake, LOTS OF BIRTHDAY CAKE." Kate cackles and we all join in.

"Get dat cake boo." Jose sasses.

We feast on the food and it's a riot. We tried to keep our voices down but we couldn't stop giggling.

Kate showed us the diamond and emerald tennis bracelet Elliot got her. My girl has got green eyes and has a love for emeralds..._you're welcome Elliot Samuel Grey._ I literally gave him the most comprehensive cheat sheet to winning over Katherine Victoria Kavanagh. You'd think that being such a playboy he'd know a thing or two but I guess when you fall in love with the one, you second guess your usual MO and need just a little bit of help to not fuck up. Thankfully he's got the best source in town.

"How much you think we can sell it for?" Jose asks.

"Fuck you Queen... you'll have to pry it from my cold dead hands." Kate hisses.

"I can handle that." Jose laughs. "So tell me hags, what's new? What are your Friday night plans beside getting laid?"

"I'm not getting laid yet." Val huffs and takes a big sip of wine.

"Tell us about your new boy toy." I wiggle my eyebrows.

"He's cute. Got a personality... I gotta wait to see if he's got the goods and knows how to use them. I'm really desperate here." Val whines.

"Then just jump him. It's not like he'll say no... and if he does then you'll know he's got something to hide." Kate says matter of factly.

"I don't think I can handle a rejection right now."

"Why wait Val, you want him to make the first move after two weeks and then find out he has a mirco penis? Just get the sex out of the way. If he's good, keep him around for a good fuck and see it progresses into something more and if he's bad... toss him out." Kate shrugs.

This is the old Kate talking. I have missed this Kate... not that I don't like the new lovey-dovey Kate but sometimes I really miss our days in Portland.

Val takes a deep and measured breath. "Yeah, I guess. God, now I won't be able to get the thought of what his penis possibly looks like out of my mind till this evening."

I give Val a hug. "I wish you some good dick tonight, Val." I say as earnestly as I can and we all giggle laugh.

"Okay okay... so Christian's taking me out to this place call Canlis and guys, I checked it out... it looks a little fancy... " I shrug.

"I don't see what the problem is?" Jose asks.

"Whenever I go into a classy joint I have the urge to be trashy." I say trying to suppress my laughter.

"Listen to me you two dollar hoe... you better class it up because I have a lot riding on this relationship." Jose warns.

"You'll be fine, Steele. Focus on having a good time with moneybags... everything else is just noise. People will look, yes, but you know what... fuck 'em. Have fun. You deserve this to be treated like a motherfucking Queen." Kate smiles at me.

"Just as long as you remember who the real Queen in your life is." Jose quickly adds and I roll my eyes.

After stuffing our faces and laughing till we got stomach cramps we make to leave the restaurant and are met with the press waiting out side. Kate is the first to leave with her CPO. Once she exits we make our way out. I'll never ever get used to this. Flashes go off and they yell my name. I just keep my head down and give into the backseat of the SUV followed by Val and Jose.

Sawyer starts to drive out.

"Damn, I shouldn't have eaten all that shit. Took me a while to suck in the gut and double chin for the cameras. I really hope they got my good side."

I hear poor Sawyer snort in the front seat as Val and I lose it while Prescott remains stoic as always.

"I heard that Luke. Honestly the disrespect in this car is appalling." Jose waves his hand dismissively.

He really is made for this life.

...

I had texted Caroline this morning and told her about my date with Christian this evening. I told her that I had slowly been getting myself comfortable with appearing in public but also exploring slightly daring dresses. The press has been relentless. While I've successfully kept myself hidden, the coverage has been a solid 50/50. Yes, everyone has loved the wedding photos and sure, I've been accused of cultural appropriation but I can't focus on that. Mostly my looks have been scrutinized. Eyes are too big, skin is too pale. Too short. Basic white bitch shit.

I know I shouldn't care about what they think but I guess Holden had a point. Anything negative about me could reflect badly on Christian and I don't want that. Not going to lie, I hate the double standard. Had it been the other way around, he'd be praised for trapping my ass and worshipped.

So here I am standing in a black, full sleeve bodycon dress that hits my knees. The catch, it's backless. HA! If you'd told me back in October that this is where I'd be and this is what I'd be wearing I'd have peed my pants laughing. The dress on Valentine's day was way more daring for me than this number but I knew we were going to be dining in private. This evening we're going to be among Seattle's elite and well... I just have to remind myself not to laugh too loud where I snort. Jose will probably hear it echoing through the airwaves and show up within a minute to drag me by my hair and slap me till I classed it the fuck up.

I usually tend to talk Sawyer's ear off whenever I'm travelling without Christian. Prescott barely participates but we have our good days. This evening, I opted to remain quiet...I listen to some music on my airpods as we drive through Seattle, making our way to Canlis, hoping to somehow calm my nerves. I haven't heard much from Christian all day. He's been radio silent for the most part... I knew things would get hectic but I'm not about to '_demand_' time from him. I just don't want to deal with work-related bad moods, he can go from zero to tyrant in 2 seconds flat. I don't know if I can handle that.

_Because I'm crazy, baby  
I need you to come here and save me  
I'm your little scarlet starlet  
Singing in the garden  
Kiss me on my open mouth_

I've not explored this part of Seattle. Actually, I really haven't explored much beyond Pike Place and Capital Hill. Most of my weekends were spent flying back to SF and then driving down to Big Sur to check on the custom construction we got done at the resort in preparation for the wedding and then when I came back... I back a hermit with Mr. Billionaire. If I were to really think about it. I jumped from one billionaire bubble into the next that weekend.

This seems like a very... well, having a upscale restaurant tucked away in a very residential neighborhood seems rather odd to me but I guess once you hit it big and show up on everyone's radar... you could be in the boonies and people would still come for the grub... I mean... gourmet food.

Sawyer opens my door and gives me a helping hand to step out.

"Go knock 'em dead Steele." He smirks.

"Thanks bud." I give him a smile. He sure knows when I need a pep talk sometimes. I take a few steps with Prescott by my side and head in. Damn, it's definitely fancy pants in here. I swallow trying to calm my nerves again, I look around and take in my surroundings when out of my periphery I notice Christian getting up from the bar and walking towards me with that signature bad boy smirk.

_Hot damn... why you gotta kill me like that, Grey?_

I give him a small smile, trying to keep myself from grinning like a lovesick fool. Time slows down sometimes when I look at him. _Channel those nerves of Steele, Ana._

The host interrupts my reverie before Christian reaches me, asking the name the reservation is under and if he can take my coat.

"Reservations under Grey and I'll take care of that." Christian shuts him down before the host takes another step towards me. Oh no, possessive Christian has made an appearance.

I thank the host and give him a small smile as he retreats while Christian stars to help me out of my coat. I hear his breath hitch and feel his eyes run down the back of my body. He's barely touching me but his scent and presence are driving me mad. I feel the desire start to bloom deep within me. He hands the coat to the host and kisses my temple and whispers in my ear, lightly caressing the exposed skin above the small of my back.

"You sure know how to bring a man to his knees baby."

I close my eyes and take a deep breath and look up. His eyes are intense as always. _Dark and wanting._ "Then why are you still standing?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

His lips curl up slightly in amusement and he give me a small kiss and whispers, hovering over my lips. "I'm going to fuck that smart mouth tonight."

"Not before I fuck yours." I whisper back with a smile. I could melt into a puddle right now. I'm such a lightweight. He shakes his head and chuckles.

WHO AM I? WHO THE FUCK AM I? I'm the bad ass who shut Christian Grey's sexpertise mouth. _Yes sir_... more like _Yes Ma'am_ to you, _boy wonder._

We walk hand in hand as we follow the server to our table. I try to keep my eyes on the horizon and not look anyone in the eye but I can feel theirs on us. My open hair is doing a decent job of hiding my back. According to Jose this was my classy hoe look. It means so much that my Queen is proud of me.

**CPOV**

I get a text from Prescott that they're five minutes out. I take one last sip of my drink and reply to an email. I watch the SUV pull up and Sawyer help Ana out of the car. She walks in with a nervous energy. Sometimes it's a wonder to see the combination of micro expressions she goes through within a single minute of being in a new space or situation. It's a rarity but a sight to behold nonetheless. I slowly walk towards her while she looks around, she casually looks in my direction with her beautiful blue eyes and gives me a sweet smile... and just like that she's in her element.

_There's my girl._

We take our seats and the server hands us our menus.

"Miss Steele, you were playing with fire back there." I smirk.

She looks up from her menu and arches an eyebrow. "And I'm made of gasoline so let's light this bitch up, Grey."

It takes everything in me to suppress a laugh. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Let that imagination run wild for a minute or two and I'm positive you'll come up with something." She sasses.

I shake my head smiling. _She's really out to kill me._

"What? No witty come back, Grey? Have you met your match? Oh, wait... excuse me... you've been outmatched. Had to happen sooner or later." She sasses again and I'm dangerously close to dragging her to the car to fuck her brains out.

"Yes Miss Steele, I concede." My pants are too fucking tight to think anymore and that ensemble is not doing me any favors.

"You know, this feels... a little weird to me." She says.

"What baby?"

"Usually when we've sit down to have dinner, whether at home or in the one time we've been out... we always sit adjacently but sitting in front of you like this... it feels like you're so far away. I guess I got used to the proximity." She shrugs slightly with a shy smile.

_Home. _I don't think I'll ever tire of here saying that.

"We've sat across from each other before, baby."

"We have but in very casual situations. Like with your family or with friends... even at Eloise's too but again it was a casual setting. There were no nerves."

"You're nervous?" _Don't be baby, screw these fuckers, who cares what they think._

"A little. I can feel people staring which they are and well, I guess I've never really had any experience in this world... fine dining and all." She giggles.

"Not even with your cousins?"

"Nope. I mean... with Kiran and VIsh..." she catches herself and her demeanor changes and she looks out to the window and takes a deep breath. She's remembered something. Fuck... she shakes her head. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to talk about them." She says quietly.

"It's okay Ana, I understand that they've been a huge part of your life. "

I start to see the difference in what our manipulations did to us in this moment. My manipulation was done in isolation to breed more isolation. Hers was done in broad daylight, while out with family. Her most cherished memories are tainted. A seemingly casual conversation can bring forth painful reminders for her. I didn't live a life but being with her I find it easy to jump in head first and experience all this while she, when looking back on something innocent can be affected by questioning the intention behind everything.

"I know and thank you... I guess it'll just take me some time to filter stuff as I move on you know..." she says with a small smile. "But to answer your question, no not really. I went out with the Kapadia siblings a few times but I didn't feel the nerves and I also didn't care... that was me just going out with family. Otherwise whenever all us cousins went out we kept it pretty casual. They're all in the business or either in college and we all just look to unwind so we try to keep it as normal as we can. Honestly, going through the mcdonald's drive-thru is like a real ritual for us or we order in and sit around and talk." She laughs and starts to get back to her usual self.

"Does south Asian cuisine have a fine dining aspect to it?"

"I don't think so... I mean even in the 'formal dinners' I've been to, it's all family style essentially. We could all be dressed to the nine's but we're still laughing out loud and having a good time. There's no such thing as a calm and collected dinner over a three to five course meal. I know there's a few restaurants in New York that are trying to hop on that train with south Asian cuisine but I don't buy it... then again to each their own..."

The server comes over with our drinks and takes our order. I decided to not order ahead for once. I've been working with Flynn on trying to not control every single thing when it comes to Ana. _Baby steps_, he said.

"Do you come here often for business dinners?" She asks.

The memory of a few dinners with Elena come to mind and I shake the thought. I've brought Mia here once along with the whole family and then Ros and Gwen on one occasion with a client here and there. I tell her yes with the exception of my dinners with Elena.

Our food arrives and we begin to eat. Our conversation lulls a little. She looks out the window and I can tell something's on her mind.

"Q&A?" I ask bringing her out of her reverie.

She looks back at me and smiles. "Yeah, sure. We haven't done it in a while."

"Why do you always insist I give Taylor the night off when we go out?" I try to hide my annoyance.

"Because Christian, he just came back from a whole week in New York with you and you I'm honestly just thinking about my girl, Gail... she needs some love too." She giggles.

I roll my eyes.

"I pay them very well Ana..."

"I know but again, money isn't everything. Experiences are. They're in a relationship and if they have any chance in hell of getting married then Taylor has gotta put his back into and have a few date nights with his girl." She laughs.

"Fine... "I grumble. "Tell me, did you ever have an idea for first date for yourself?"

"I used to." She says wistfully. "Most of my ideas were from before everything happened, when I was a teenager, I guess. I always thought, I'd date after college because maybe I would've found myself by then or liked how I looked... I just had to get out of Montesano and got to an east Coast Ivy and then move to New York, probably work for AHAK and then meet someone when I was a little more financially secure. No one really looks at what you're doing in New York and there's so much to do that you could meet for dinner at a hole in the wall restaurant and then walk around for hours, I wanted experiences more than dates I guess... that's what I had thought for myself initially way back when..." she laughs but I can sense her sadness. "but my actual, _official_ first date with my boyfriend was one for the books." She giggles.

"Was it really?" I smirk.

"Yeah... he pulled out all the stops." she giggles again. She's right, we are too far from each other. I can't kiss her as easily or touch her to my hearts content but I get to see her in her entirety right now. How her hands dance around when she talks. Sometimes she leans forward resting her face in her palm with a propped elbow, sometimes her arms are folded on the table. She cocks her head from side to side every now and then. She goes from playful to serious and back to playful again. She's effortlessly engaging and I thank my lucky stars no one else except for myself gets to experience who she is in a romantic setting. This dynamic will always be _ours._

"What about you Mr. Grey, did you ever wonder about first date stuff? I know it's not typical for guys to think about it but I suppose everyone has some idea of what they want..."

I shake my head. "Didn't think it was for me."

"I know, but before everything, did you ever wonder maybe?"

"Not really, I wasn't much for idle chit chat. I thought it was trivial and a waste of time and of course it was reinforced over years but I saw the very first glimpses of how it could be when we met. It came very naturally to think about that with you. In fact I remember that the first night of the wedding, it was the first time I spoke to a woman I was interested in and revealed things about myself that I had never done before."

"Well, you're definitely a natural at it, Mr. Grey." She smiles sweetly at me. "I too wondered a little bit of the same thing when we talked. I'd only ever seen you in a professional setting and getting to hear you speak so casually and see you relaxed, it was really nice... but then again talking about Elliot getting his ass kicked can put anyone is a good mood."

We both laugh. "Yeah, he's a funny guy. Don't tell him though."

"My lips are sealed." She giggles.

"I guess he's probably proposed to her by now..."

"Actually, no. Not tonight. Tomorrow morning is the proposal."

"When did this happen?"

"It's Friday the 13th. Lots of bad juju. We don't mess." She shakes her head.

"Are you serious?" _She can't be serious._

"Hey, I don't make the rules. I just follow them. Ask the pop culture gods for justification. I told him that Kate, although not superstitious would say no just to see him cry."

I shake my head trying not to smile. "That's fucked up."

"I would do the same." She shrugs and falls into a fit of giggles.

"That's mean, Miss Steele."

She pouts. "Sowwie."

"I've always wondered, did you move to Seattle because Kate was moving here?"

She looks out the window for a moment and I see her a slight shadow of sadness wash over her.

She looks back at me. "Yes and no... I think I had definitely anchored on to Kate but Seattle also seemed safe because AHAK had no real investments here nor an office. Had everything not happened before I left, I probably would've moved to the East Coast for publishing if I got the job or ended up working for the family ultimately I suppose but then... I would've missed being so far away from Mama and Nani, so maybe I would've moved back to SF. I guess I'll never know."

I nod. "That makes sense. Why didn't AHAK ever invest in Seattle?"

"Honestly? Because of the weather and it's not exactly a tourist destination." She laughs. "Also, AHAK isn't as aggressive or diverse as GEH and given their focus on real estate and hospitality, well... it made sense invest in properties that were in exciting and profitable cities."

I nod. "I'm glad you moved to Seattle."

"I'm glad too." She smiles. "If the GEH headquarters weren't in Seattle, where would it ideally be?"

"New York, I think. Capital of the world and all that."

"Did you have a trajectory in mind when you started at GEH?"

"Not really. I just needed a job. My main focus was to pay off my loans but then the wedding came in the way and slowed everything down. I thought I would give it two solid years, create a bit of a safety net and then try to go back into publishing. Having GEH on my resume would've helped... I mean, it's not like I had any real prospects of growing beyond being Mr. Travis's assistant. I'm can't be a lawyer, maybe I could've taken extra courses to become a paralegal and aid in research... or maybe get transferred to real estate if I was lucky but to be honest, I hadn't really thought far beyond a year or two and that too in an abstract way... I think I was too scared to plan far ahead." She shrugs.

Ideally, I'd love for to run GEH with me but an admission like that would probably freak her out right now.

"What are your thoughts about philanthropy?

"In what aspect?" She takes a sip of her water.

"Would you like to work in philanthropy?"

"I don't have any experience in it."

"You have experience volunteering."

'Yeah but it's not the same thing. I mean volunteering is a personal and private endeavor for me. Philanthropy... well, it's a huge public responsibility, I guess."

I'm asking because GEH doesn't really have a dedicated department to philanthropy, I just have PR take care of it. I tell them where to donate and they co-ordinate with Andrea under my directive and get it done. If we started a philanthropy department, I want you to head it and be the face of it for GEH."

She looks at me completely stunned. _Who's speechless now Miss Steele?_

"Um... I... don't have any experience in that Christian. Surely you can find someone far more qualified."

"You're qualified. You can do it."

She looks down and her lips press into a hard line.

"Christian, I appreciate the sentiment but I don't have experience in this."

"Your mother runs philanthropy at AHAK and my mother runs a successful charity herself, they could both guide you if anything and I'm always around too."

"The optics on it won't look good. Girlfriend gets new gig at boyfriends company etc."

"I don't care about that. It's my company, I can't do whatever I want."

She looks me straight in the eye and I can tell she's annoyed now. "Well, I do. Putting my as the face of something like that..." She looks away and takes a deep breath. "I think we should table this discussion for when we are in private."

"Ana, you're going to be my wife one day. I don't want you to be an assistant in my company."

"Are you ashamed that I'm just an assistant, because I happen to take a lot of pride in whatever job I've had... no matter how menial it may have been." At this point it looks like she could stare a fiery hole into me.

"No, that's not it. I mean that, you deserve better and you have the potential to be more than just an assistant Ana. You have good instincts and I think the best use of your talents are where you can help people and actually make a difference."

She looks down and I can tell she doesn't want to talk about this anymore.

"Look, again, I appreciate the sentiment... maybe when we're married we can explore this then. For now, I'm fine... it's already been too many life changes too fast... I just want to pace myself." She plays with her food and doesn't look up.

'Okay, we can talk about this later."

"Thank you." She says in a small voice.

There really is something on her mind. I wish she would tell me, I can't exactly ask her right now and it's bothering me. I decide to change track.

"So tell me, how was your lunch today?"

Her face lights up and it's a complete 180 in her energy. "It was a riot, Jose was in his element as usual while we're just his sidekicks. Thank you for arranging that, you didn't have to. They really took care of us and I liked their food."

"I like the Met Grill, they do a decent steak."

"I had the lobster mac and cheese and proceeded to steal food from everyone else in the process. Jose was not please but I didn't give a fuck." She laughs.

"I'm glad you had fun, baby."

"Want to hear something funny? It randomly came to me at lunch today..."

"Sure."

"The week before thanksgiving you were in New York for a few days..."

I think for a minute. "Yeah I was."

She nods. "Yeah so, the Friday before thanksgiving, Jose, Val, Gwen and I had lunch in Ros's office. We ordered sushi and we're talking smack about everything and you called. Ros set you to speakerphone and you were in such a bad mood." She giggles uncontrollably. "...You were just not happy at all, Ros was like... what do you want Grey, I'm eating" in her best Ros impression. "and you didn't give a fuck and went on this tirade and you ended with and I quote 'Tell Holden to stop trying to convince me to meet with the fucking ballet company. Does it look like I want to wear a pink fucking tutu and get my picture taken or be surrounded by that shit... just get me out of this.'... I swear to god Christian when I heard you say that I had to bring both of my hands to my mouth to physically restrain myself from losing my shit and when Ros hung up I really lost it and laughed so hard that that I couldn't breathe and started crying... I was like 'awww, someone's not getting their way...' and Ros lost her shit too. She was like only you'd say shit like that about Grey." She's beside herself laughing at this point.

"I'm glad I could provide you with lunch time entertainment, Miss Steele." I chuckle.

"Yes, thank you. I honestly didn't realize you could be funny up until that day... of course you did such a great job just a few days later when you made me laugh in the elevator." She smiles.

"I guess you bring it out of me, Miss Steele."

"I guess, I am quite the miracle worker." She sasses.

...

"Baby... if you're not going to let me fuck you then you need to stop." I grab her hips trying to slow her torture on me as we make out on the drive back to Escala.

"I thought you were the Master of Control, Mr. Grey." She cocks her head to one side and kisses me deeply again and fuck, it's really hard not to get lost in her. "Besides, I'm not having car sex with you while we have security in the front."

"It's not like they'll hear or see anything..." _we have the privacy divider up for a reason._

'I want to have fun with my man tonight and I don't want be quiet about it." she bites my lip and it sends me into a frenzy.

I grab her hair and twist in my wrist holding her in place. "Listen to me Miss Steele, I've missed out on a few days without my girl and I'm not keen on coming in my pants when I can come inside of you. Now stop torturing me or I will punish you." I growl.

"You wouldn't dare Grey." She looks me in the eye.

"I would, Miss Steele. You know I would."

"I dare you not to come, Mr. Grey... unless you're unable to control yourself." She arches an eyebrow.

I'll lose this challenge. I'm so fucking close already.

"Don't goad me, Miss Steele."

I one swift move she gets up off of me and sits back in her seat.

"I knew you couldn't." She smiles smugly at me.

Don't give in to her game.

_I need the release._

_FUCK._

She starts to check her phone and hums a little, completely ignoring me. Here I am with, hard as granite, ready to go. She won't let me fuck her and we're still 15 minutes away from Escala. I am going to fuck that smart mouth tonight, no matter what.

I close my eyes and calm my breathing as I adjust myself and she continues to hum to herself while looking out of the window now.

Five minutes pass and it's not working. I want her. I _really_ want her.

This is the switch in her personality.

"Anastasia."

She looks back at me. "Yes?"

"Yes what?"

"Yes Christian." She raises an eyebrow.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me." She smiles sweetly.

"Anastasia, come over here."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

"Doesn't seem like a good enough reason to if you ask me." She giggles.

Oh she's really playing with fire now.

"Sit on my lap. Now." I raise my voice slightly.

She looks down and cocks her head to the side slightly and then looks up and then rolls her eyes before climbing on top of me. I hold her hands behind her with one hand and grab her neck in the front with the other.

"You're being disrespectful Anastasia." I look her in the eye.

"You're overreacting... Sir." She says with a smirk.

"Do you know what I'm going do to you when we get home, Anastasia."

"Fuck my smart mouth?" She bats her baby blues at me.

"Exactly..."

"But as I enlightened you before, Sir... not before I fuck yours." She stares directly into my eyes and holy fuck I'm so in love with this woman. She makes every aspect of playing fun. The submission, the defiance the switch...

I pull her in for a kiss and hold her in place as our tongues fight each other for dominance. She tries to move herself but I stop her. I'm too close to being set off.

I try to have my way with her in the elevator but she playfully fights me off and resists me desperately trying not to giggle and then runs out as soon as we get to the penthouse but I catch her before she gets to the threshold of the room. I pull her in with me and push her to the wall, kissing her roughly but she breaks away.

"Get on your knees." She looks up to me.

"Excuse me?"

_This is so hot._

"Get. On. Your. Knees. Sir." She says with a sly smile.

I follow her directive and slowly bend down to my knees. She lifts up dress slowly, revealing her lace panties. I can smell arousal and she's fucking soaked.

"Take them off." She orders me and I comply. We don't take our eyes off each other.

"Now... Sir... you're going to fuck me with that expert tongue of yours and make me come."

I smirk, with pleasure baby, with all the pleasure I can give you.

...

_Saturday, March 14__th__, 2020_

I hear the phone ringing in some obscure corner of the room. It's Ana's phone I finally register... I open my eyes slightly and she stirs. I'm lying on top of her with my face in her breasts. She tries to move me.

"Christian... I can't breathe... I need to pick up the phone. It's Ros..."

"No... she's not your boss."

'Christian please..." she whines and I move slightly and she bolts up to go pull her phone out of her purse.

"Hey Ros, sorry I missed your call...no... don't apologize, I was just being lazy... what's up mama... oh no... okay I'll be there in 45 minutes to an hour if not earlier. I promise. Need me to bring anything?... okay cool... see you in a bit."

_What the fuck_?

She runs off into the bathroom and I hear the shower turn on. Where does she think she's going? I get up and pull my phone out of my jacket and check the time. It's fucking 8:30am... what the fuck Ros? I flop back on the bed. I look around the room and our clothes are everywhere. Last night was... well it gave a whole new meaning to makeup sex. I made her scream repeatedly while she took charge and fucked me with her mouth making me come so hard that I saw stars... it took me a while to recover as she giggled and kissed me. I hate fighting with her but the makeup sex is always... yeah, we need a time limit on our fights.

I'm still in bed struggling to get up when she walks out in a jeans and a faded white tee and starts to pick up all the clothes and tidying up.

"Baby, just leave it... and where the hell are you going?" I grumble.

"Ros called, her mom is displaying flu like symptoms... Ros has a cough and Gwen well, she's in pain from the surgery and their nurse broke her foot this morning and it'll take time for the replacement to show up after her references check out given the weekend. So I'm going over to help."

"You're leaving me?" I whine.

She laughs and walks over to me. "Yeah, you big baby. An actual baby need and her mamas needs some help... I'm taking my dress and other stuff. I'll get dressed at their place and then you can pick me up and we can head over to your Mama Grey's house for the family dinner to celebrate the newly engaged couple." She gives me a quick kiss but I grab her hand and pin her down to the bed and climb on top of her.

"Do you really have to go?" I ask kissing her neck.

She starts to giggle and squeal. "Yes I do... you have a lot of work to do any way so it's not like you'll miss me. Your wife will keep you occupied."

"My wife doesn't feed me. I'm thinking of divorcing her and marrying my girlfriend."

"Your wife gives you the money to buy the food to cook it. Learn how to cook, Grey. That's the moral of the story here." She laughs.

"The moral of the story should be that you let me fuck you and then you feed me."

"Tomorrow, I promise." She gives me a sweet kiss. "Now I gotta go and cuddle with a baby."

"What time should I pick you up?"

"Hmm, come by around 5pm? Spend some time with your niece and then we'll head out to your parents."

Spend time with my niece... I love how she creates a family for me with just her words. I look in her eyes and she looks back with confusion. "What happened Christian?"

"Nothing baby, I just love you. I'll be there at 5pm."

"I love you too. Okay, now let me go ya big baby." She giggles as she climbs up and soon runs out the door.

...

I get to Ros and Gwen's apartment at 5pm and look around. There's pin drop silence. I walk to Ros's study and see her typing away.

"Why the fuck are you working?"

"Well hello to you too, Boss." She says with a sore throat.

"Get off the computer and go relax."

"I'm tired of relaxing and the baby hates my guts... this is the only thing that will make me feel useful... can we please talk about adult shit... like I don't know... anything GEH related... my brain feels like a used diaper."

I laugh out loud and Ros flips the bird at me.

"Okay well, I do need your help I guess..."

"Shoot." She takes off her glasses and rubs her face.

"I talked to Ana briefly about creating and her heading the philanthropy department at GEH and she shut me down. She thinks that people won't take her seriously given our association and that she doesn't have experience."

"Did you ask her nicely?" Ros intones.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean. Of course I was nice about it."

"That attitude right there... that's what I mean."

"For fucks sake Ros."

"She's got good instincts though... she'd be a natural at it. I mean the Seattle-Mason Gala alone was brilliant."

"That's what I told her but she's fighting me on it."

"Okay, leave it to me. I'll talk to her."

"Thanks."

"Where is she?"

"She's with Emilia in the nursery."

"How's Gwen and your mom?"

"Mom's got a fever, she's resting. Gwen has been struggling. The lack of sleep is getting to her and she insists on being hands on so today Ana shut her down and now she's on her fifth hour of sleep. She's out like a light... which means we'll be able to have a coherent conversation today." She laughs.

I give her a nod and I head out and walk towards the nursery. As I get closer to the room, I hear Emilia crying and Ana talking to her.

I get to the threshold of the room and watch her change Emilia's diaper.

"I know... I know... baby girl. We're all so bad. You were in mama's belly... floating around... it was like florida in there... you got your food delivered to you and now it's all just diapers changes and cold air... I know baby."

She looks like such a mom, completely in control and not phased by a fussy baby. She closes the buttons of the baby's onesie and starts to wrap her.

"And now... we're gonna wrap you like a little burrito... do you like burritos? I'm more of a taco girl myself... "

I laugh and she looks up.

"Well, well... look who's here to see you baby? It's your Uncle Christian." She picks up the baby as I walk to her and give her a quick kiss.

Emilia has stopped crying and looks around with wide open eyes.

"Did you wash your hands?"

"No, I just got here."

"Okay follow me then, we gotta go make her milk."

I follow her like a little puppy and wash my hands in the kitchen sink.

"Okay now hold her, while I make the milk."

"What? Me?... no, I'm not good at that."

"Christian, you literally just have to stand in one place and hold her. Don't be nervous, they can smell fear." She deadpans.

I try to stifle a laugh but she helps me hold the baby and Emilia starts to fuss and I look to her with pleading eyes

"Ana, she's gonna scream at me."

"No she won't you big baby. Just talk to her. Tell her about the day."

"She doesn't care about my day."

"Just speak, Grey."

I swallow and look down. Two baby eyes are looking back at me scrutinizing me. _Don't fuck this up, Grey._

"Well, I read a report about this manufacturing plant we're thinking of acquiring in South Korea..."

"Christian... tell her about how blue the sky was today and how the sun was shining and the birds were singing..." She grumbles.

"But I didn't go outside. I'm not going to lie to her."

"Uffff..." she then says something in Urdu.

"What did you say?"

"That was Urdu for 'I'm stuck with an unimaginative man.'

"I think we all know how imaginative I can be." I smirk.

"You're holding your niece there. Watch it... also sway a little... helps her remain calm."

I chuckle and she rolls her eyes and checks the temperature of the milk. I follow her back into the nursery and she sits me down in the rocking chair and tells me to hold the bottle and help Emilia drink the milk.

"I can't do this. I don't know how to do this." I tell her.

"Look, it's very simple. Hold the bottle like this." She shows me the angle..."and every now and then angle it down to give her a slight break incase she tries to gobble it all up and chokes on it. She tends to get a little excited about foodie time... anyway... just do that. I'm right here, I just have to tidy up a bit and chances are she'll fall right asleep while she's drinking."

I look up at her... I'm going to fuck this up. What if I accidently kill the baby? It's like she can read my mind and gives me a sweet kiss. "You're gonna be a pro at this. Just relax... I told you... they can smell fear." She wiggles her eyebrows and giggles.

I swallow and hold the bottle and Emilia starts to drink. She stares at me intently... she's so fucking tiny and light. She doesn't weigh anything at all. Ana was right, as she drinks the milk she starts to fall asleep and soon she stops sucking and the milk starts to drool out of her mouth... I call out to Ana and she rolls her eyes and shows me how to clean it up with the bib.

She places a piece of cloth on my shoulder and asks me to help give facilitate the burp.

"How the hell does one do that?"

"Hold her up, with her face resting on your shoulder and just gently rub her back like this..." She holds my hands up and shows me how to rub her back. I do it and soon Emilia lets out a gigantic burp that's has us both laughing.

"Yep, our girl here is a champ." Ana laughs but Emilia starts to fuss again so she picks up from me and starts to sing to her and lightly sway. "Sometimes they get scared of their own burps... even peeing because they're new sensations and sounds." She giggles.

"I knew they were complicated but now this complicated." I muse.

"Yeah but the complication never really goes away does it... it just manifests differently over time." She says wistfully and goes back to singing while rubbing her back while walking back and forth in the room.

_When people pin me as a clown  
You behave as though I'm wearing a crown_

_When I'm lost I feel so very found  
When you anchor me back down_

_There are those who think that I'm strange  
They would box me up, and tell me to change  
But you hold me close and softly say  
That you wouldn't have me any other way  
When all the world is spinning round  
Like a red balloon way up in the clouds  
And my feet will not stay on the ground  
You anchor me back down._

"Are her eyes closed?" Ana whispers to me. I look and nod. She gently maneuvers Emilia and holds her in her arms and we turn around to find Gwen and Ros looking from the door, smiling.

"You want me to put her down in her crib or want to have her in the living room?" Ana asks softly.

"Let's go to the living room."

We take our seats and Ana places Emilia in Gwen's lap.

"So we finalized the baby's name." Ros smiles.

"Emilia Anastasia Bailey." Gwen smiles.

I'm taken aback. I look at Ana and she's equally stunned and just stares at them both for a few moments.

"What's wrong, Ana?" Ros chuckles.

"I'm sorry... I just wasn't expecting that... but why Anastasia.. I mean.."

"We wanted to name her after some of the strong women we know. Emilia was Gwen's mom's name and well, Anastasia after you." Ros smiles and I look at Ana again. She gets teary eyed and smiles.

"I'm so honored." She says with a heavy voice.

"Well, there is one more thing." Gwen laughs... "We wanted to ask if you'd consider being Emilia's godparents."

Ana whips her face to me and I'm equally shocked by the ask.

"I understand that you've known Christian a really long time, but you've known me less than a year... how can you be so sure?" Ana asks with a wavering voice.

"Ana, you can known people for years who talk a shit ton and realize you don't know the first thing about them and you can meet people and realize the deepest truths about them within a week without them even saying a thing. It's comes down to our gut instinct about you and it's never steered me wrong." Ros says matter of factly.

"Are you really sure about this Ros?" I ask.

"Yeah... we wouldn't ask if we weren't."

I look back at Ana. "You okay with that?" She asks softly. I nod and give her a small smile. I would only ever agree to this if she were in my life... I'd be lost without her.

"Thank you for trusting us. We'd be honored." Ana says wiping tears and gets up to go hug them both and give Emilia a kiss on the forehead.

...

_How much of my mother has my mother left in me?  
How much of my love will be insane to some degree?  
And what about this feeling that I'm never good enough?  
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?_

We're on our way to Bellevue in the R8. I hold Ana's hand and plant light kisses on her knuckles. She's been awfully quiet and lost in thought.

"What's on your mind baby?"

"I wasn't expecting that." She says in a low voice.

I take a deep breath. "Yeah, same here."

"Being godparents means we have to be involved in her life. We can't just be showpieces. I mean we have to really spend time with her... and not just show up at her birthday and call it a night." She says seriously.

I chuckle. "Yes ma'am. We'll be involved."

"Okay good, I wanted to just make sure you knew the rules of the gig." She giggles. "I've never had a little human be named after me." She wipes tears from her eyes.

"I think it's the best decision they could've made."

"You're just biased."

"No, I'm right." I smirk and she laughs.

We drive in silence for a bit, listening to the music and the lyrics

_I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need  
But it's never gonna come the way I am  
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?  
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?_

"Do you ever see a little of Grace and Carrick in yourself?" She asks out of the blue.

"What to you mean?"

"I mean... in terms of nurture versus nature. Do you ever feel some things about yourself that you don't know where they've come from?"

"Yeah. I did a lot when I was younger and for the past few years I've not really thought about it... not until we met I guess."

She nods and looks out the window again.

"Do you see Ray and Nita in yourself?"

"I do... but I don't know where the anger in me comes from. Ray never showed aggression, Nita never raised her voice at me. They both showed me a lot of love... all these feelings are post the accident. I guess it's just a by product of that... or maybe it was always deeply rooted in me and didn't come out till everything happened. This anger and bitterness in me, I don't know where it comes from."

"Talk to me baby... what's got your thinking about all this?"

"When I first heard this song it reminded me of a conversation Nani and I had when... she said it was always important to tell the future generations stories of their ancestors, especially incidents that highlighted different shades of their personalities to help future generations understand a little bit more about themselves. Sometimes, some habits, elements of personalities skip a generation... all this information is embedded in our DNA... yes nurturing plays an important role too in our upbringing but there are sometimes that just... innate, inexplicable at times but if you know the essence of your lineage you can draw from those stories and really look inside yourself to understand where you come from and who you are and who you want to be. I was telling Jose that yes, Ray, Nita and Nani raised me... but my biggest fear is that even though I desperately want to be a mom... what happens if a switch flips and I become like Carla?" she says in a heavy voice.

"You wouldn't baby. You wouldn't become like her. It's impossible."

"How can you be so sure?" She looks at me.

"Because you've been through absolute hell Ana, more than anyone should have to go through in a lifetime and this is who you are right now, who you're meant to be at the end of all of it. Most people would have given up but you refuse to... if everything you've been through in life hasn't broken you then nothing will. I saw you with Emilia, the ease and grace with which you handled her, you'd be an exceptional mother. It's like second nature to you. I didn't ever want to think about children or believe that I had the makings of being a parent but with you, I want that. I see glimpses of myself as a father in the future when I'm with you."

"Your faith in me really scares me sometimes." She cries.

"Why?"

"Because what if I let you down?"

"It's impossible, Ana. I don't think you've ever let anyone down in your life."

"I'm not so sure about that." She breathes.

"What makes you think that?"

"Just stuff..." She just shakes her head and looks out the window again, effectively ending the conversation.

**APOV**

Christian and I pull up into the driveway. Grandpa Theo and Grandma Margot have flown in for this celebration along with Eamon who actually took a day off to relax.

We walk in and hug Grace and Carrick and head into the formal living room where everyone else is waiting.

"Well if isn't the handsome Eamon Spencer Kavanagh." I call out to him and he gives me a big hearty smile as I go in for a bear hug.

"Well if isn't my beautiful honorary daughter." He laughs. Christian comes in for a handsake and they exchange pleasantries.

"I thought I was the handsome one." Theo calls out and Margot elbows him making me giggle.

"Sshhh, I'm getting all the pretty boys out of the way so I can focus on the Man of the Hour." I wink at him and he laughs.

"I had heard something about a certain billionaire trying to woo you." Eamon smirks.

"Yeah, don't worry, I made him work for it. Now he's completed under my spell." I laugh and Christian rolls his eyes.

"She definitely put me through my paces." He kisses my forehead and I excuse myself to give quick hugs to Mia and Ethan and then go and spend time with the Trevelyans.

"Do I need to smack that boy up the head to get you a ring?" Margot asks me.

"No you don't... I told him we need to let Elliot and Kate have their moment... I promise we'll get there, we just need to work some things out but I love your grandson so much, please believe that." I tell her earnestly.

"I know you do and he loves you too." She smiles and holds my hand.

"But if he fucks up again, you have my number." Theo interjects conspiratorially.

"Honey, ignore him. Nothing works if you know what I mean." Margot rolls her eyes and Theo leans in to kiss her cheek.

I pretty much expire laughing with Margot as we fall into each other. I catch my breath and my eyes find Christian across the room. He looks at me... it's a look I've not really seen before. He's smiling, it's not a smirk, it's not seductive... it's a genuine, wondrous smile. It makes my heart skip a beat and I smile back and wink at him.

Shortly after Elliot and Kate arrive and we all cheer loudly and attack them with hugs. Elliot is lapping it up. He definitely lives for the hype and praise. Such a character. I pretty much cry and refuse to let go of Kate.

"SHOW US THE RING." Mia and I almost scream and when she holds it out to me I have to take a step back in exaggeration. "Yep, can definitely see that from Mars. You did good, Grey." I wink at Elliot and we high five.

We stand sit around and talk for a bit, catching up. I see Kate look a little uneasy. I give her our discreet girl talk signal and we slip out and run to the guest bathroom and huddle in.

"Kavanagh, what's going on? You look like you're about to cry and that rarely ever happens." I ask her.

Her lips tremble and she starts to sob uncontrollably.

"Kate, you're scaring me." I feel my own tears start to fall.

"I messed up Ana and I'm so scared. I can't believe I was so stupid."

"Kate... just tell me what happened. We can figure it out. I'm with you 100% no matter what. Steele and Kavanagh forever... just hit me with it."

"Remember when I was in London back in early January..."

* * *

**Authors Note**: Sound off in the reviews. also... god dammit KATE WHAT DID YOU DO?

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

**Music:**

Off To The Races - Lana Del Rey

Anchor - Mindy Gledhill

In The Blood - John Mayer.


	56. Chapter 56

Holy... you guys are FUHNEE. some of the reviews had me laughing out loud.

This is a bit of a filler chapter but we still get a few moments here and there.

* * *

**Chapter 56 – _wedding bells for darling, kate_**

_Saturday, March 14__th__, 2020_

**APOV**

_We stand sit around and talk for a bit, catching up. I see Kate look a little uneasy. I give her our discreet girl talk signal and we slip out and run to the guest bathroom and huddle in._

"_Kavanagh, what's going on? You look like you're about to cry and that rarely ever happens." I ask her._

_Her lips tremble and she starts to sob uncontrollable._

"_Kate, you're scaring me." I feel my own tears start to fall._

"_I messed up Ana and I'm so scared. I can't believe I was so stupid."_

"_Kate... just tell me what happened. We can figure it out. I'm with you 100% no matter what. Steele and Kavanagh forever... just hit me with it."_

"_Remember when I was in London back in January..."_

"Yeah... what about it?"

"I was supposed to get my shot before I left but things got so crazy that I thought I'd get it done when I came back... except I completely forgot again... Elliot and I weren't having that much sex anyway cause I was always travelling so I started taking the pill but I also fucked that up with my schedule constantly changing.

"oh..." _Oh fuck._

"I didn't really have morning sickness but I wasn't feeling all that great. I went to Dr. Greene's yesterday after our lunch to start up with the shot again cause Elliot hates condoms... and we were catching up and I told her how I was feeling and we did a test and an ultrasound... I'm 5 weeks along." She's sobbing at this point.

"Kate... why are you crying?"

"Cause Elliot and I talked about waiting for at least 2 years."

"Did you tell him this morning when he proposed this morning?"

"No, I was scared to." She wipes her tears.

"Kate, he'll be over the moon."

"What if he's not?" She looks up at me with her jade green eyes.

"You won't know until you tell him but I know he will be absolutely thrilled." I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Ana, what if I fuck this up? I just miss my mom. I miss her so much... I wish I could share all of this with her... I wish I wasn't such an asshole kid back then" I hold her and she cries and I feel my own tears fall. "and oh god... I've drinking wine like it's nobody's business... what if I fucked up the baby already."

Kate and her mom Olivia never got along from the start. Olivia was from old money in Atlanta and got married to Eamon while they were still in college... but their marriage suffered as Eamon became successful with building Kavanagh media. They moved to Seattle once Kate was about to start college. Olivia suffered from depression and alcoholism due to neglect. Not that Eamon was ever unfaithful but a neglectful and workaholic husband can be just as painful. Throw in Kate who's the spitting image of her father in every way. She was a tomboy through and through, had the aggression and determination to succeed with no interest in becoming a society debutante and settling down. Their relationship remained tense up and until Olivia's cancer diagnosis and even then, there wasn't much time and she passed away within three months during Kate's senior year as an undergrad at WSU.

I pull away from her and look her in the eye. "You're not going to fuck this up. Elliot and I will not let you. Listen, you have all of us here. Ethan, your dad, Mia, Grace... everyone outside is going to help. You will never be alone in this... and Kate... you're one of the best people I know. You're going to be an incredible mother. I have no doubt about it. I have all the faith in the world that you can do this. Your baby is going to be one of the luckiest babies I know. With a mother who is the fiercest and baddest bitch out there."

She nods and tries to calm down but not before a giggle escapes her.

"I'm pregnant, Ana. I'm fucking pregnant..." She says in disbelief.

"OH MY GOD I KNOW..." I scream a little too loudly in excitement and Kate immediately silences me by putting her hand on my mouth and I mumble a sorry. We end up giggling.

I hear a loud knock on the door.

"Guys, what's going on?..." Elliot asks in a panic and I hear Christian's voice too. Fuck.

I walk to the door and open it slightly.

"Nothing, boys. Just some girl talk excitement."

"Why are you crying?" Christian asks.

"For funsies." I sass. I look back at Kate who's still feeling a little low. I need reinforcements. I open the door a little more. "Move please." And Elliot shuffles to the side.

"Why? Where's Kate?" Elliot tries to look over me.

"She's fine... but I just need some reinforcements. MIAAAAA, girl talk 911" I yell. Christian gives me a look and I wink at him. I can tell Elliot is beside himself. He too doesn't deal well with suspense.

Mia comes rushing through and I let her in and lock the door again. We whisper but before we begin I signal them to stop. I crouch down and I see a pair of feet in front of the bathroom door. No doubt Elliot is trying to listen in. I walk up to the bathroom door and bang it loudly and I hear Elliot yell as he backs away.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" He half yells and groans.

"FOR YOU TO KEEP YOUR EARS TO YOURSELF, GREY." I yell back. Kate and Mia cackle.

We huddle far from the bathroom door. Actually, this guest bathroom is huge... we could totally have a pizza party in here._ Anyway_, we begin to tell her and she literally screams in excitement and crushes Kate with a hug making Elliot whine from the other side of the door again.

"I'm gonna let him come in and you tell him... okay babe? You can do this Kate." She quietly nods. Mia and I give her a hug and we open the door and usher Elliot in and close the door behind them.

Mia and I walk back to where everyone is, they all are expecting the 411 but I tell them we'll soon find out. I sit with Christian and he looks at me with searching eyes and whispers.

"What happened baby?"

"It's good, I promise. You'll find out in a few more minutes." As I finish we hear Elliot yell out in celebration from afar. A minute later, Elliot comes running out with Kate in tow as she laughs.

"I'M GONNA BE A DAD." He's so fucking excited he could literally be bouncing off the walls.

I can't stop smiling and crying. Grace, Carrick and Eamon are the first to get up and hug and congratulate the couple followed by the rest of us. I look to Christian's reaction and it's measured. I know he's not one to overly communicate excitement but he pulls in Elliot for a proper hug.

"Congratulations Lelliot."

"Thanks bro... god... I can't believe it." He beams

"Kate, congratulations and welcome to the family." He gives he a hug and kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you, Christian... it's all rather unexpected..." She says nervously. Kate never does nervous but there's a first time for everything.

"You guys are going to be just fine, Kavanagh... " I tell her.

She nods and I see more tears fall and I pull her in for a hug and hold on to her and rub her back while she tries to calm herself.

"I tried trapping her ass but she trapped my ass instead." Elliot laughs and I smack him.

"Don't let Eamon hear you talking about his baby girl like that, he'll definitely bury you." I warn but fail to keep it serious.

Dinner is a blast. Kate and Elliot decide to keep the wedding small and to have it in Cabo... where they first met and it's decided that if possible it'll be during Memorial Day weekend and if things don't work out for Cabo then they'll have it in the Grey's humongous backyard. Kate has no desire to wait till she's further along to get married or wait till after the baby is born. She's pretty no nonsense about this stuff. At first glance you wouldn't believe that's what she'd go for but at the end of it, she just wants stuff to be simple and to the point.

Kate, Mia and I open pinterest and go crazy looking at wedding gowns and talking different styles while getting Margot and Grace's input. We're lost in our world when I get the feeling I'm being watched, I look back and I see Christian looking at me. He gives me a small smile and goes back to the conversation with Elliot and Ethan.

I don't have to wonder what's going through his mind. I know what it is. He's happy for Elliot but he's probably wanting this for himself too... and I feel a pang of guilt. Guilt for not being mentally settled enough to accept all these big changes and for making him wait till the 3rd quarter.

But I want a clean break from all this. Once the Will is read and once I know the fate of AHAK, I will make that final decision to whether tell everyone, or just tell Mama and break away and keep minimal contact.

I know Vishaal is trying to goad me into playing his stupid game but I am not giving in this time... it plagues my mind enough to figure out what he's really going for. I need to stop giving him all this power. I need to win but I don't know how to so I need to decide that I will not play at all. If I don't play, no one wins and soon all of this can be over.

But much as I try these thoughts have consumed my mind. I wake up several times a night trying to connect the possible dots. _Just because you know the endgame doesn't mean that's the only endgame? There was always another hidden agenda_. Running through all my memories to try and come up with a pattern to the games he'd make me play. I always lost. I could never figure out what the actual plan of attack was.

"_Aana, you have got to be more sinister than that. Use your imagination. Go off the deep end."_

I shake the thought and return to the conversation.

* * *

_Tuesday, March 17__th__, 2020_

**CPOV**

"I feel like an asshole for being jealous of my own brother." I murmur.

"Are you happy for him at least?" Flynn asks.

"Of course I am. It's just that... I want all of this too and I know I told Ana I'd wait and I will but... it's not getting an easier."

"You never were a patient man." Flynn chuckles.

"She's putting me through my paces, John."

"As she should. Relationships aren't meant to be easy, Christian. They are hard work."

"I know that... it's just... I'm not good with waiting."

"And yet she is." He says matter of factly.

"I know. She's patient to a fault."

"What's really on your mind besides the waiting?"

"I can feel that she's hiding something from me... she's been a little distracted. Keeps getting lost in thought and when I ask her what she's thinking about she deflects."

"You think it's something to do with you?"

"No, I don't think so. There's something that's worrying her... she's normally always ready to talk but nowadays I have to keep initiating conversation."

"Well, you did tell me that by her own admission she has identified that she a lot of issues she's having to face head on for the first time since everything happened."

"I know... but I want to help her."

"And when she wants help, she'll ask for it."

"She won't. She's stubborn like that... because I'm the same way."

"Then just be there for her in case she needs you. That's all you can do at this point, Christian. We can't force people to accept our help but we can make sure we're there for them when they do."

...

It's just after 7:30 when I get back to Escala. I loosen my tie and take off my jacket and head into the kitchen to fix myself a glass of wine.

"Mr. Grey, dinner will be ready in 15 minutes." Gail smiles.

"Thank you, Gail. Where's Ana?"

"She went up to the gym. She mentioned she wasn't feeling that great so she wanted to get a stretch in before dinner."

_Not feeling great?_

I nod and walk up the stairs to the gym to see if she's done.

_We good and we good for each other  
I won't put no one above ya  
I won't put no one in front of ya_

I think I can watch her do this everyday. Her body rolls into different positions so effortlessly. It's enough to make a grown man cry. I'm really one lucky son of a bitch... holy fuck she just did a split. I need to adjust myself. This is giving me too many ideas that need to be explored... sooner rather than later. Fuck, she can really arch that back...does she not have a spine? She ends her session by slowing down as the song comes to an end and retreating into child's pose.

_Trust, trust  
Trust, do you trust?  
Trust, trust  
Trust, can you trust me?  
Like, really trust me?_

She remains there for a minute and then raises her body to sit indian style and cradles her head in her hands.

I knock on the door and she jumps and looks back and swallows.

"Hey... I was just coming downstairs." She says with a small smile and quickly gets up and rolls her mat.

She walks to me and gives me a kiss and turns to walk out but I grab her hand.

"What's wrong baby?"

"Just a little tired. I haven't been really been able to sleep..."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I kiss her cheek.

"I didn't think it was a big deal but I really felt it today...I'll take a Tylenol PM before going to bed tonight and maybe that will help." She smiles but I know this smile... this is the one she gives when she's trying to make the other person feel better. I can't force her to tell me anything... I just have to be here when she wants to talk.

Dinner follows the same mood. We talk but the conversation lulls every now and then. I prepare us an Epsom salt bath to soak in and relax.

I massage her shoulders and she giggles trying to suppress a moan. "Mr. Grey, I think you should quit being a hotshot CEO and become my personal masseuse."

"Miss Steele, that sounds like an exciting offer."

"Yes, I can feel your excitement." She laughs and I kiss her neck.

"Tell me Miss Steele, how did you get so flexible." I chuckle.

"Tell me, Mr. Grey, when did you become such a creeper?"

"It's all your fault... watching your body move like that has definitely got my imagination working over time." I turn her face to me and kiss her deeply and I hear her hum a moan low in her throat, the sound travels straight to my dick.

She giggles, breaking away. "I started yoga and pilates as part of my physical therapy regimen early 2015 when I was mobile enough and never looked back... that and water based exercises which eventually turned into regular swimming... I haven't been able to swim in years though. Do you know there aren't any pools in Seattle and Portland that offer women only hours? That's so messed up." She muses.

"Escala has a pool Ana."

She turns around again with eyes wide. "WHAT?"

I laugh... "Yeah, you didn't know?"

"NO. It's like you shared the brochure with me."

"Well it does and you can use it whenever you want. We can have it reserved for you."

"Okay that's a bit overboard... I don't want it to be reserved for just me... I mean I don't mind if there are other women around... just no men."

"I'll talk to management and have it done."

She leans in and gives me a searing kiss and I almost get lost. She breaks the kiss and leans her forehead against mine and whispers thank you.

"You don't have thank me, Ana."

"I know, but I want to...When I first started water based exercises for physical therapy, Julia my therapist helped me float on my back and the pool facility we used was at one of AHAK's high rise developments and it had a skylight... it was really beautiful... anyway, it had been the first time I had been in a pool in like 2 years and just laying there and looking up it was such a holy experience... it was really emotional and I got addicted to that feeling. Just to float on my back and look up at the sky."

"When it gets warmer we go to Bellevue and use the pool house if you want. You can float all day if you want." I kiss her temple.

She laughs. "Sure, that sounds like a plan."

"What's keeping you up at night?"

She tenses a little.

"Honestly, it's a mixture of things... sometimes it's a nightmare... sometimes it's just nothing. I just wake up for no reason. My mind is completely blank but I'm wide-awake. It's been this way since I came back from SF. Now I can feel it's affecting my work. I have trouble staying awake all day. Most days I can handle it but today was difficult and my upper back is in knots so the yoga helps a bit with that."

"What are the nightmares about?"

"I keep seeing this blue light and a sea of hands raised... like a dance floor... I mean I'm looking up with my hands raised and then suddenly it's dark. Pitch black and I feel myself being dragged... and then I wake up... Sometimes I hear crying and screaming... but mostly I hear nothing... sometimes I'll see or feel things that make absolutely no sense and it's all very confusing."

"It's from that night?"

"I think so. I don't remember anything of significance from that night. My mind is completely blank... and I'm scared it will all come back to me in full force and I won't be able to handle it. The few flashes I remember from my meeting with Akash were harrowing enough and yet they didn't reveal much." She says with a strained voice.

I hold her tight and kiss her cheek. "You're not alone baby, you don't have to go through this alone."

"Except, I will... I was alone when it happened and I'll be alone when all the memories come flooding back. This pain and fear is inside of me... it won't leave."

I just hold her. I don't know how else to comfort her. I can't physically take the pain away from her.

"I'm going to tell Aashu this weekend." she says after a few moments of silence.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah... I want her to understand why I can't participate as much as I did at Rania and Kiran's wedding... I don't want her to be offended... so I need to explain to her why because I've declined to be a bridesmaid and I've said that I won't come to the bachelorette party... if she asks me for one more thing and I'm unable to do it..." she pauses for a moment. "I need to tell her."

"How do you think she'll take it?"

"Well she can't stand Vishaal and Kiran but she won't see this coming... even Karan didn't see it coming and he cried for me and begged for my forgiveness. He was so angry that he almost lost it and I had to beg him to not do anything cause it would mean his secret getting out too..." she says while wiping her tears. I kiss her temple and hold her tight."...my main concern is that she keep it from Imran. I trust her but I also feel guilty for asking her to keep something from her significant other since it affects his family too... it's just so fucking complicated now."

"Look at me baby..."

She turns her body slightly but doesn't look me in the eye. I hold her face and lean in to kiss her.

"I wish this could be easier on you." I tell her, breaking from the kiss.

"Doing the right thing never is." She says simply.

...

"I thought you had a call with the Abu Dhabi office?" she asks as we get into bed.

"I do, I pushed it back two hours... want to make sure you sleep." I kiss her forehead.

"Christian, you don't have to do that. I'll be fine... "

"I know but I want to take care of you."

"You're babying me you know." She giggles.

"I'd like to think I'm cherishing you... "I chuckle.

Her giggles fall into delirious laughter and she throws her arm over her eyes...

"Ana, baby... care to share the joke with the class?" I smirk.

"I... I..." she tries to control her laughter..."I'm sorry, I just remembered something from today and... I couldn't help it." she starts to wipe tears from her eyes.

I look at her as she calms her breathing.

"Well?... I don't like to kept waiting Miss Steele." I raise an eyebrow and she gives me a quick kiss.

"Oh don't I know it... any way, this afternoon at lunch we were talking about this new guy Val is seeing and Jose reminded me of something... before the wedding he gave me some advice... more like he ordered me to get laid at the wedding even though I told him that I wouldn't have time because I was going to be so busy... he said...'listen to me you hag, a wedding is like an amusement park full of dicks... just jump on anyone, try to enjoy the ride and move on to the next one.'

I roll my eyes and snort.

"... and then this afternoon he remembered that piece of sage advice he gave me and said... you just had to hop on the tower of terror didn't ya... and I had to look it up, apparently it's a roller coaster in Australia." She's beside herself laughing at that point.

"You seemed to enjoy the ride." I chuckle.

"I did... I enjoyed it a lot." She wiggles her eyebrows. "You know, Jose is the reason why no guy at GEH ever approached me. He told me that last week. Apparently some guys wanted to ask me out but they all had to stand down because of Jose."

"This I really want to hear. I wondered briefly if anyone at GEH ever tried something... and if they had I would've fired their asses."

She rolls her eyes at me and I slap her ass making her giggle.

"Even if they did, it wouldn't have worked... I wasn't in that frame of mind at all, even though Jose was trying to brainwash me... there was too much shit to deal with you know... so my mind didn't even go to that side of things... but yeah if you run the business side of things at GEH, Jose runs the tabloid side of things. He knows all the scoop and he has dirt on people so they knew not to mess with me or Jose would have ruined them. According to him he was priming me to have the best of the best... aka you... so you need to thank him." She giggles.

"I guess I need to make sure his end of the year bonus reflects our appreciation of his service to the GEH interests." I laugh.

"You better. He's a great guy and a dedicated employee. He really made being at GEH easier... we're alike in so many ways... we've had the same upbringing in a way... small middle class family. His dad was in the Navy and his mom was really involved in community stuff. He was taken advantage of by a family member early on in his life and his father never accepted him when he came out... then his mom, who he was so close to died 10 years ago from cancer... we had similar high school experiences... not feeling like we were good enough, pretty much the same fears... he can seem really overboard sometimes but it's all for shits and giggles. He's a really solid guy, gives back to the community, sends money back home and he looks out for his people you know..."

"His dad disowned him?" _What the fuck? His own son._

"Yeah... he doesn't talk to him at all. Doesn't acknowledge him when he goes back to visit family."

"That's fucked up." Even thought Grace and Carrick are not blood, being disowned by them would've fucking hurt. I would've gotten over it eventually but it would've hurt on some deep level... whether I were willing to accept it or not.

"Yeah... and that's his own flesh and blood... so the fear and feeling of being disowned by your family... " she takes a deep breath "I know the fear all too well... which is why I'm hesitant to call a family meeting to put this out into the open. I have to do it slowly and reach out to everyone individually because if I were to face a rejection in front of everyone... I don't know if could handle that. This way, I can handle the situation in privacy and control the outcome somewhat"

"I get that. Telling everyone separately about the whole Elena thing... I wasn't met with all the different reactions all at once... and honestly I think it was the best way to tell them because they all had different questions and I was able to answer them and give them the time to accept all of this as best they could."

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there with you to support you... I wish I had been strong enough to not have reacted the way I did that night." Her voice is strained and she doesn't look me in the eye.

I pull her closer to me and hold her. "It wasn't your fault Ana, it was a long time coming... and this was something I had to do on my own... so I understand your need to want to do this alone but you have to understand that I don't trust that fucker. Elena could never hurt me the way he can hurt you... I don't want anything to happen to you."

"I know" she whispers into my neck. After a few moments she speaks again with a heavy voice. "Please promise you won't leave me no matter how bad it gets."

I pull away and look into her eyes, stroking her cheek. "I will never leave you... but you have to tell me where this is coming from?"

"Just when this is all over... I don't know how I'll be... I could be an even more emotional mess than before..."

"Baby, I'm here for the long haul... besides I'm not keen on losing the only passenger on this tower of pleasure." I smirk and she bursts out laughing.

"I see what you did there... you perv." She says wiping tears from her eyes as she comes down from her laughing fit.

"How about we _feel_ what I can do for you, my freak." I start to kiss her and soon we lose ourselves.

* * *

_Wednesday, March 18__th__, 2020_

"How was your session with Flynn?" I ask her as she plays around with her food.

She shrugs. "It was okay... we've been trying this new thing where I type up any problematic thoughts or memories and feelings on to a private posting board he administers and when we meet we talk about them and try to dissect everything."

"Do you feel like it's helping?"

She takes a deep breath. "It's only been two weeks... I have my good days and bad days."

"I wish I look into your mind sometimes."

She looks up.

Fuck, I said that out loud.

Her face is impassive. "I guess that would be the super power you'd want."

"The power to read minds? Yeah." I smirk.

"There's a saying you know... curiosity killed the cat."

"Must have not been a smart cat."

She laughs a little but her face falls again as she looks down on her food.

"What would your superpower be?" I ask.

"Invisibility."

"Why?"

"I miss it, I guess... anonymity can be very rewarding."

"How so?"

"Not everyone has control over their body language, the mind is just full of noise most of the time but the body can always give you away... you can learn a lot about people when they don't know you're watching."

"Do you think you have control over your body language?"

"Only sometimes. Do you think you have control?"

"Yes."

"So you think no one can read you?"

"I'm certain no one can read me." I chuckle.

She shrugs with a smirk. "If that's what helps you sleep at night and then sure... keep thinking that."

"You think can read me, Miss Steele?"

"I've already read you Mr. Grey... "

"Is that so Miss Steele, I'm intrigued to hear about your findings."

"So you can attempt to conceal yourself further?" she laughs.

"No... I'm genuinely interested."

_This really should be interesting._

She cocks her head to one side and gives me a small smile.

"I'll give you a few... "

"No, I want to hear it all."

She rolls her eyes. "My findings, I can choose to reveal however much I want."

"I disagree."

"You can disagree all you want, Grey. It's your problem to deal with." She giggles. I lean in and kiss her.

"Proceed with your presentation Miss Steele."

"When you run your hands through your hair, you're frustrated... the intensity and frequency of how you do it can give me an idea into whether you're about to lose it or shut down the situation with a dismissal."

_Okay, I'll give her that._

"Right now, you're listening to me intently and not moving a muscle which means you're in unfamiliar territory cause you're being put on the spot... you're not at all relaxed. This is a feeling you are never going to be accustomed to because you are too used to being in control of every interaction that involves you." She smiles. "But I understand why that is..."

_I don't like this anymore._

"The dead giveaway of how you are as a person is in the spaces you inhabit. GEH as a whole and especially your office, everything is spaced out, it's almost abstract like, it's not warm and inviting but jarring, telling the other person to not feel welcome or get too comfortable. Almost a museum like quality, reinforcing the rule... 'do not touch. The colors you subscribe to both in the apartment and at GEH are dark and cool, again, not meant to evoke a sense of belonging or warmth... in fact they mirror sadness, that could be me projecting but then again, when I compare it to Elliot's apartment or your parents house, their places are the exact representation of who they are. They have warm and cool colors, their furniture isn't spaced out to create distance but to bring people closer together... in fact I think the warmest room I saw in your life was the playroom but I guess that was only to create a sense of illusionary comfort maybe given everything that... well..." she gestures her hand to further iterate her unspoken thought.

_I'm really trying to not react now._ We need to desperately renovate but I will touch on this subject some other time.

"The way your eyebrows just shot up ever so slightly and you swallowed and opened your mouth to breathe means that I'm not wrong in my assessment."

I blink but don't say anything. She's right on the money about everything. She continues.

"When you look out of the window you're either bored as fuck and biding your time or really lost in thought."

"That could be anyone... really."

"True... in that case, you only cross your leg, ankle to knee when you're really relaxed which is rare in a professional setting. When you tighten your jaw you really are pissed and when you sit back and use your index finger to stroke your bottom lip, you're either intrigued or mildly amused."

_I REALLY don't like this right now._

"You're almost always on your phone at GEH outside of meetings in intermediate spaces to avoid eye contact and conversation. I noticed that very early on when I started working there."

"Even though you didn't want to meet me, you still checked me out." I smirk.

She laughs. "Wipe that smug face off, Grey. I didn't check you out, the rest of GEH was already busy doing that...I had not intention of adding myself to that roster but yes I did observe you. I knew you'd never notice me. I mean... you had a reputation of never speaking to female employees unless it work-related and you were always brusque... since I was never going to be in your crosshairs given that I was the second assistant... I was safe."

"You would have eventually had to deal with me once you became first assistant."

"True but the week I was promoted you were in New York and then well it was Thanksgiving... and the rest is history as they say." She smiles. "My only interactions with you were on the phone a few times." She muses.

"When was this?" _We spoke? I would've remembered her voice. _

She rolls her eyes. "I don't remember exact dates but on incident comes to mind. I was in Mr. Travis' office to over something and he excused himself to use the bathroom and his phone rang so I picked it up and before I could even finish my spiel of 'Mr Travis's office this is... you were like... you're not Travis, I need to speak to him. I almost replied saying yeah, no shit Sherlock." I laugh out loud at that and she giggles. "I told you he would be back in five minutes and you ordered me to have him call you back and hung up before I could even say Yes Sir. We have a few more exciting phone calls of a similar nature a few times after that."

"I really was an ass wasn't I?"

"Your words, not mine, Grey." She shrugs.

"I don't like these observations Miss Steele."

"It's not like you haven't made the same observations of me."

_I can read you sexually but emotionally... you always throws me in for a loop._

"Well, your room is definitely an accurate representation of who you are but otherwise I'm still figuring you out." I say truthfully.

"It's okay, I'm still figuring me out too." She looks away and takes a sip of her water.

We move to the couches in the great room with another glass of wine and tea.

"When you were building the business, how many hours a day were you working?"

"I could never really sleep that much so I'd work anywhere from 15-18 hours."

She nods.

"And on the weekends you worked or you were... fully engaged with your arrangements?" She looks at me intently as she asks in a small voice.

I look away and take a deep breath. "No, I worked then too. I'd still put in a 12 hour work day over the weekends. Why are you asking?"

"I was just wondering. I know Ros is on maternity leave so I wanted to gauge how busy you're really going to be."

'Ana, it won't be like that if that's what you're wondering... that part of my life is over and I'd never let it be a repeat of what I had back then... it's impossible."

"I know..." She says quietly but looks away and stares into the fireplace. "How did you celebrate your 1st billion?"

"I was 23. The day of, I didn't do anything. Came home and worked some more and then on the weekend mom and dad insisted on celebrating over dinner. I never really celebrated that shit. Ros would pop open a bottle of some expensive champagne but for me it was always about the next thing."

_I'm not about to tell her about the playroom shit I'd do whenever I reached a new milestone._ I shake my head to rid myself of the thought.

"Didn't you ever feel lonely not having someone to share that accomplishment with?"

"No."

_I was taught that was more._

She nods again.

"We're projected to hit 16 before the end of the 3rd quarter once acquire this tech company in Sweden."

"Congratulations, Mr. Grey. I'm sure Forbes will want to have you back for another cover." She giggles. "How about smiling on the in the photo this time?"

"So you've checked me out on the cover magazines." I raise an eyebrow.

She rolls her eyes and puts her cup on the table across from us and brings her knees to her chest and rests her head on top them looking at me.

"No I haven't. It was in the internal newsletter that PR sends out every month... God, don't you ever get tired of being so full of yourself." She narrows her eyes at me in mirth.

"Look at me, I'm handsome and I've got boatloads of money... why would I ever get tired?"

She rolls her eyes. "Holden came to talk to me today. American Vogue wants to do a two page feature on us with the possible option for a cover if we'd be willing."

"Why?"

She raises her head. "Hell if I know... something about America's newest IT couple shit."

"Do you want to do it?"

"Nope. If I was going to do something like that, I'd do it with a publication I actually liked and for an article that was substantive and not focused on the fluff. I mean, I get the fascination but to have a whole article just talking about us... that's a waste of time and paper."

Time to strike while the iron is hot. "Well, if you ran philanthropy at GEH then we could talk about the causes we believe in and highlight them."

She slowly cranes her head towards me. "Real smooth, Grey. Real smooth."

"Think about it." I smirk. I move in closer and pull her in for a kiss. "You know how I'm going to celebrate my 16th billion?"

"How?"

"By being buried balls deep inside of you." I bite her lip and she giggles.

"You're such a romantic Mr. Grey... I guess billion dollar sex will require that you up the ante a little." She wiggles her eyebrows making me laugh.

"Oh Miss Steele, how about I show you a little preview of what's to come?" I push her down to the couch and climb over her.

"This trailer better be good... " She laughs as I run my hands up and down her sides and silence her with a kiss.

In no time she moaning my name as her hands pull on to my hair.

I kiss and lick the mounds of her breasts. "Have I told you how much I love seeing you in silk, baby?"

"I thought you liked seeing me naked..." she pants arching her back.

"That smart mouth, Miss Steele... "

I untie her robe and she makes quick work to unbuckle my belt and stroke me. I sink myself into her slowly, savoring the feeling of her warmth.

We alternate between making love and fucking all while the sound of her voice fills the apartment...

By the end of it she falls on top of me, her face resting on my chest as we catch try to calm out breathing.

"Mr. Grey... that was quite a preview... I can't wait for the movie." she giggles raising her face to look at me and on cue I'm ready to go again. It's obsessive how much I crave her.

"Trust me baby, it's a movie you're going to want to watch again and again." I smirk.

She turns over and we lie arm in arm looking at each other.

"I'd love you just as much even without your billions, you know." She kisses the corner of my mouth.

"Actually, I think you might love me more if I didn't have the billions."

"Yeah, cause then you wouldn't be so full of yourself." She laughs.

I open her legs and slide into her biting her neck and she gasps. "With or without the billions baby, you're always going to be full of me." I whisper into her ear and have my way with her again.

* * *

**Authors Note**: Some of you were right on the money about the whole Kate thing, I guess it was obvious haha. The next chapter will have an update with the whole Elena-sub situation + flashbacks. And then... we find ourselves in Miami... lots to unpack there... plus some confrontations and drama and revelations... we'll get to hear some speculation on what the Will says.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

**Music**

Trust - Alina Baraz


	57. Chapter 57

How's everyone doing? I hope all is well and safe with you all.

**ana sofia**: you came back! wishing you luck in your exams.

**bandrocks**: I gotchu boo. I promise you some goodies.

**blueno:** thank you! i meant to write to you in the last chapter but it slipped my mind. again, THANK YOU.

To everyone else. I am loving your theories and dedication to the suspense of it all. Chapter 59 will explain a lot about the speculation of the Will. It will be really detailed so y'all gotta pay attention in the class.

* * *

Chapter 57 – _Life updates._

**CPOV**

_Thursday, March 19__th__, 2020_

Whenever I've spoken to Welch, it's always been a serious conversation with barely any emotion. However, when he called to tell me that 'project hellfire' had lit up the sky... the elation in his voice made me chuckle.

Elena may be in the ground but the remnants of her poison still remained on the surface and had to be scorched off of the face of the earth. _Fire was the only way to disinfect._

The investigation into how Elena's house caught fire wasn't pursued with much dedication. Money really helped with that.

We've been trying to acquire Esclava but to no avail. SARVAK conveniently bought the building they are located in, making this even harder. We've offered Elena's lawyer 3 times what it's worth through an anonymously registered shell company but Leila and Phoebe are not interested in selling.

The Friday Ana and I were in San Francisco, Elena's lawyer took a little field trip to the Cayman Islands and walked straight into a bank only to come out with a worried expression on his face. He got into the backseat of an unmarked SUV parked by the bank and exited the vehicle precisely five minutes after looking like his ass got handed to him.

We have no idea who was in the car. All payments for the rental were made in cash. _Of course it was._

Elena had something in the Cayman Islands and whoever was interested in it, doesn't have it. The only information we've got is that there was a safety deposit box. According to Welch's information the box was accessed in early December, except travel records that we pulled on her show Elena hadn't been there in almost eight months.

Another piece of the Elena Lincoln puzzle that I need to fucking figure out.

Phoebe and Leila flew into Sea-Tac and checked out the remains Elena's beloved house that Saturday we were in SF. They barely spent five minutes on the property before getting back into the car and driving back to the lawyer's office. The property has been put on the market. I'm tempted to buy it to tabula rasa that shit into oblivion. But I'm not keen on giving them my money now.

They left Seattle the same day and resumed their normal routines. However, Phoebe has remained indoors ever since. That's what we're having trouble figuring out. How is she getting out of the apartment building undetected? There is no way she's been in there this entire time. Similarly with Akash, he still can't be cooped up in Rothstein's apartment.

Two weeks ago, the cash deposits to Leila's account stopped. Last week, Leila up and quit her restaurant and college continuing ed job. No real explanation. She too hasn't been seen for a week. The $500,000 in Credit of America joint account with Phoebe was withdrawn.

They both have disappeared into thin air.

We can't ask Susannah, she's still residing at the apartment and working at the restaurant. If we approach her could alert them and then we're further shit outta luck.

It's frustrating as hell.

_FLASHBACK_

_Saturday, September 16__th__, 2017_

"_Permission to speak freely, Sir." Leila asks as we eat dinner._

"_You may." I reply._

_She still keeps her head bowed. "Sir, I understand that you've been busy with work and that it has required you to travel often as of late..." she swallows. "I really have enjoyed our time together... you have mentioned on many occasion that you are pleased with my submission."_

"_Get to the point, Miss Williams." _

"_I want you to be my Master. I would be honored if you collared me and kept me for forever." She looks up at me for the first time._

_Oh fuck. Not this again. While she's the first one to ask me to collar her... what she's essentially asking for is 'more' but under the pretenses of the D/s relationship and I am not in the market for that now or ever._

_I try to curb my frustration. Truth is she has been exceptional. Best I've had so far but... I shake my head. "Miss Williams..."_

"_Please call me, Leila." She said with a small smile._

"_Look Leila, I am not in the market to collar a submissive. Yes, you have been exceptional so far and I have enjoyed our time together but what you are asking I am unable to provide you with. "_

"_Mr. Grey, we are good together. You know it. I want to be yours."_

"_Miss Williams, you are crossing a line."_

"_Christian, please." She pleads._

_I get up from my chair. "ENOUGH..." before I can say another word she interrupts me._

_She stands up and looks up at me in defiance, fire raging in her amber eyes. "I want to end our arrangement effective immediately." _

_She turns and walks away, running up the stairs to her room._

_Fuck her. _

_I pick up my phone and text Taylor that the arrangement with Leila Williams is over and to escort her from Escala as soon as she's done packing up her shit._

_I'm going to kill Elena. Just for once I want a sub that isn't so fucking delusional._

_..._

_Thursday, September 21st, 2017_

_I meet Elena at the Mile High Club for our bi-weekly dinner to discuss the salons and any sub-related issues._

"_Elena, where the fuck do you get these women from? Are you recruiting them from an asylum?" I'm at my wits end now after this Leila bullshit."_

_She cackles like a witch._

"_You're hilarious, Christian. No, Leila came highly recommended. You saw the references. She'd been a long-term submissive for a minimum of 2 years at a time for 3 Doms."_

"_Yeah, well she couldn't last a fucking year with me, without going on that god forsaken, 'I want more' spiel."_

"_Honestly, I think you're just being a little bitch because she's the first sub to end a contract with you. She rejected you before you could reject her." She raises an eyebrow while maintaining that smug expression that does nothing for her plastic face._

"_Don't fucking goad me, Elena."_

"_Well, as I've always said, if you want an arrangement where you have no danger of the sub wanting more, I'd be happy to fulfill that need, darling." She raises her glass to take a sip for the overly expensive champagne she's inhaling on my dime._

_I take a deep breath try to and keep the bile from rising up._

"_Listen to me, Elena... get it through your botox filled brain that what we had is over. O-V-E-R. That ship has sailed and sunk like the motherfucking Titanic. At the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean where the sun doesn't even fucking shine. Now, get me a sub who is preferably a pain slut and can take a good fucking without dreaming of hearts and flowers at the end of it."_

_She laughs and gets up to leave._

"_Christian... you can deny it all you want but what we had was... exceptional." She smirks._

"_Get the fuck out, Elena." _

_She really knows how to get on my fucking nerves._

_FLASHBACK ENDS._

"Sir, are you sure you only want to take Prescott and Sawyer with you?" Taylor's voice cuts through my myriad of racing thoughts.

"Yes, Taylor. We don't intend to do much of sight seeing. We'll be keeping a pretty low profile... and for some reason Ana believes that if I keep dragging your ass with me that Gail will never marry you." I chuckle and Taylor smirks and nods.

I hear Welch snort but quickly recover.

"What more do you have for me Welch?"

"Sir, we've been having Miss William's mother followed. She had an appointment at the local hair salon where she shared that her daughter got an opportunity to teach art to underprivileged children in Haiti."

I scoff. "Well that's a load of shit."

"I set up an alert for their names should they appear on any commercial flights but nothing so far aside from the flight to Seattle to meet with the lawyer and check out the house."

"$500,000 can only get them so far. This has Kapadia written all over it. How the fuck is he doing this Welch... you told me you have you best men on this."

"Sir... you did mention he's working with ex-Mossad for security, they are some of the best in the business... if he really is connected to all this."

_Thank you for that little tid-bit Rania Raees._

'Well, then hire the fucking NSA, Welch. I need motherfucking proof so I can put him in the ground."

He nods and looks down. I can tell he's just as frustrated as I am. I know he's doing his best. God dammit this fucker. What is his end game?

_FLASHBACK_

_Friday, November 15th, 2019_

"_Sir, Mrs. Lincoln is here to see you."_

"_She doesn't have an appointment."_

"_Sir, she's being rather... insistent." I can sense Andrea's annoyance. You're not that only one who can't stand her anymore._

"_Fuck... okay, send her in." _

_A few seconds later Elena sashays in. She really needs to update her look. The skin tight, all black Mistress vibe is not doing her any favors in her old age._

"_Christian, darling... you've been so busy." She purrs._

_I roll my eyes but don't get up from my desk and signal her to sit across from me. I'm not in the mood to exchange her pleasantries._

"_Look Elena, this is the last time I'm letting you in here without an appointment. This shit is getting really old."_

"_Well, you barely answer my texts or take my calls. We haven't had dinner in weeks. I know you're busy but Christ... you'll expire if you don't beat the shit out of a sub soon."_

"_And whose fault will that be should I expire? I gave you o simple motherfucking directive to find me a submissive who wasn't bat shit crazy... at this point I think you're doing this just to piss me off."_

"_I've sent you the best of the best. What do you want me to do? Start a mail-in-submissive service and import them from obscure corners of globe?"_

"_Yes. Get me someone who can fulfill my needs. If you have to import their asses from Antarctica... get it done."_

"_Honestly, Christian... you know I actually shared an elevator with a brunette on the way up, long brown hair and lily white skin... she looked like your type... she was a little mouthy talking to her friends but you could probably train her."_

_Brunette at GEH? I need to look into this. Hopefully she's ugly. I hope she's ugly, that will be the best deterrent. She's probably too low on the totem pole. An intern maybe? I need to ask Welch about this._

"_Elena, we don't hire brunettes and even if she is an employee... I don't shit where I eat."_

_She rolls her eyes and normally that would piss me the fuck off but I can't be bothered right now._

"_Maybe if you broadened your horizons a bit. Go for... blondes, red heads?" she waves her hand around._

_GAG._

"_No. Brunettes, who can take a good punishment and fuck. This shouldn't be so fucking difficult. There are enough people in the community... or do I have to reach out to someone else?"_

_She shifts in her seat and I register the slight alarm in her face._

"_Look, Leila reached out to me recently and she would like to sub for you again."_

"_Fuck no."_

"_She's willing to sign a contract where she promises not to ever mention any bullshit about 'more' or whatever. She wants to be a good ol' honest sub."_

"_I do not contract subs who I've terminated or who have terminated contracts with me. What, so she's miraculously cured of her 'affliction' of wanting more with me? Wasn't she married?"_

"_He died 6 months ago and she's looking to get back into the lifestyle and she says you were the best she's ever had. Christian, she was exceptional you said it yourself. She's the only sub you've ever said that about. It was just one infraction. Think of it this way... you can really take it out on her for terminating the contract with you. Make sure she can't sit for a weeks. Honestly, it's a win-win situation for you both."_

_I rub my face. This woman really loves the sound of her own screeching voice "No. Move on from this now."_

_She huffs our in frustration. "Fine, I have two prospects, they'll be ready to interview next week."_

"_Reach out to me in two weeks. I'm flying out to New York and then it's Thanksgiving. If my schedule allows then we can pick this up in early December."_

"_You sure you'll be able to last till then?" she chuckles._

_I look at her. "I've lasted a year without this shit before... what's a few more weeks."_

"_Just looking out for you darling." She shrugs._

"_If you were really looking out for me... we wouldn't be dealing a string of bat shit crazy women. Let me make this clear. This is your last chance. If this next sub is a disappointment, I'm going in a different direction and reaching out to others in the community. I'm sure the East Cost has some good offerings."_

"_Christian, you're being dramatic. Look, I'll reach out in two weeks. Till then, know that I'm always here to help."_

_I roll my eyes. I wouldn't fuck you even if all my billions were on the line. _

"_Elena, you can show yourself out. I have another conference call I need to log in for."_

_She gives me a smile but her face is frozen stiff to move. "Bye darling, good luck with everything. I'll reach out soon."_

_END FLASHBACK._

**APOV**

We head back to the bedroom after dinner to pack for our Miami trip. I'm not looking forward to waking up again at 2am to fly out tomorrow but we're trying to make the most out of this weekend since we're leaving Miami Sunday night at 11pm... I'm probably going to be an asshole for the remainder for tomorrow. I don't do well with very little sleep unless I have something incredibly important to do which can help distract me from the lack of sleep, that where the adrenaline comes in.

"I actually am done packing. I was going to take out some things for you but I wasn't sure what you wanted to take... so, I guess I'll just keep you company." I shrug and gather the remainder of my things to put them in my carry on.

"That's okay baby, I don't take that much time to pack any way."

"You've been to Miami before right?... Wait... of course you have. You probably have business there."

He lets out a small laugh. "I've been to Miami a few times yes. We have some holdings there."

"Do you like it?"

"It's just business. I never really formed an opinion of the place. It's like any beachfront city, I suppose."

"Hmm, I guess. I'm actually really excited, I used to watch this Miami based show called Burn Notice and really was intrigued by it... hopefully we'll get some time to explore."

"What do you want to see baby?"

"There's an ice-cream place and donut place I want to try, there's a Cuban café also, and everything is in Little Havana." I laugh. I can't help it... food is the first thing I look for when going some place new.

"Why am I not surprised?" He smirks.

"Are you mocking me Mr. Grey?"

"No baby, just appreciating your dedication to food."

"You better be... anyway... I really want to see Gianni Versace's Mansion if we can."

"Why that place in particular?"

"I don't know... I'm just curious I guess. I watched this show the guy who shot him and I went into like this deep dive internet search rabbit hole of sorts and yeah... I just wanna go and check it out."

"You're weird, you know that."

"Yet you still love me." I bat my eyes at him and he shakes his head and chuckles.

We continue to talk a little while we finish the last of our packing.

"Why haven't you been to Miami before this? I mean you're close to Karan, I'd assume you'd have gone to visit him?"

I feel a heaviness creep over me. "Yeah... I guess, I didn't want to stir any shit, plus it was bit of a money thing too. Karan and Kate actually became good friends after he came to visit me in Portland a few times and they both tried to organize a trip where Kate and I would go but... I chickened out..." I shake my head. "I... I..."

_FLASHBACK_

_Wednesday, June 29__th__, 2016_

_I take out my wet clothes and put them in the dryer. I debate whether to wait it out till it's done or go back upstairs for a nap... actually, I'll probably go into the game room and play a videogame to pass the time. I walk out of the laundry room and make my way down the hallway past the stairs, humming..._

_I'm so into you_

_I can barely breathe_

_And all I wanna do is fall in deep_

_Just as I reach the threshold of the game room, I feel someone push me in and as I turn around I see him closing the door and locking it._

_No._

_Please._

_No._

_I'm completely frozen._

_He grabs me and pushes me against the wall._

"_Are you and Karan a thing now. Tell me a truth."_

_Breathe. Get out of here. Breathe. Remember what dad taught you. _

_He's pressing me against the wall with his body and holding my neck in place. I can't breathe... I feel like I'll die. Please. Please let me go. _

"_TELL ME." He's fuming as het gets in my face._

"_N-no" I whimper._

"_Then what the fuck is that article about?"_

"_Just a rumor." I can't speak. I need air. I look around. My eyes are blurring. "Karan bhai is my brother."_

"_You better not be with him, Aana. Do I have to remind you of your place?"_

"_Please Vishaal bhai... Please..." I beg._

_Breahte, Ana. Breathe._

"_Don't. Call. Me. Bhai." He whispers menacingly in my ear and I feel like throwing up as one hand travels down the side of my body, feeling me up as I feel his erection press into me. "If I ever see you with him, if you ever even try to go see him... I will know and you will regret it."_

_He leans into my neck and I try to squirm away, crying, silently praying to god to save me. He takes a slight step back and I feel my legs have some room to move. I raise my leg and knee him in the groin and push him off with all my might and run. _

_RUN. _

_I don't care._

_JUST RUN._

_I run up the stairs and I keep going till I reach Nani's room on the 2__nd__ floor. I open her door and I see her napping. I quickly walk into her bathroom and lock the door and sink to the floor trying to calm my breathing and crying. _

_Safe._

_You're safe._

_I don't know how long I stay here crying but when I'm finally a little calm. I walk back into the room and Nani's still napping. I lay next to her and try to sleep._

_I close my eyes and try to chase a dream holding on to the necklace dad gave me. _

_But all I feel inside of me is darkness._

_So much darkness._

_FLASHBACK ENDS_

"Ana baby..." I hear an echo. "Baby... what's wrong?" It sounds so far away. _What?_

_Christian?_

I blink.

I feel hands on my face.

_WHO ARE YOU?_

_DON'T TOUCH ME. _

**CPOV**

She stops talking and just stands still.

"Ana baby..." I call out to her but she's lost looking down. "Baby... what's wrong?" I ask again.

I hold her face and she blinks but doesn't register. I look into her eyes and call her again and rub her arms.

She starts to blink rapidly and looks around and clocks my hands on her arms and pushes me away.

"NO." She screams and starts to shiver

_Fuck. _

"Ana, it's Christian... baby, look at me." I say softly.

She looks around again and her breathing is labored.

"Baby, you're in safe place..." I try to coax her back into the present.

One of her hands flies to her neck, trying to look for something. She's trying to grab on to something but she can't feel it. She looks down to her neck and shakes her head. "Where is it?" She whispers.

"Ana... baby... what are you looking for?" I take a tentative step towards her.

"I... I..." She shakes her head again.

"Baby, you want to sit down. Just for a minute." I say gently and she looks at me confused. I kneel in front of her and her eyes follow me and she mirrors my movement.

I hold out my hand. "Baby, take my hand... tell me what's going on?"

She blinks again and looks at my hand intently.

"Ana... tell me what happened baby." I swallow, she's lost somewhere and I need to get her out of this. I can't keep calling Kate... I need to figure out how to do this on my own too.

"He'll come for me. He told me not to go to Miami." She's staring at my knees and her face is tense.

"No he's not baby, you're here with me. He's never going to hurt you."

_That fucker. The fucking piece of shit._

She blinks again. I reach out to hold her hand, stroking her knuckles with my thumb.

"Ana, do you want to talk to Ray?"

She nods. I feel my throat burn and the emotion of what I'm experiencing is almost too much. I grab her phone from the bench and open her photostream and go through the dad folder. I move to sit adjacent to her and play a random video.

Nita is holding the camera as she follows Ray into Ana's bedroom where she's fast asleep.

"HAPPY 17TH PRIVATE STEELE." He yells and Nita laughs in the background.

"God. Dad, it's too early... please..." Ana groans. It makes me smile. She looks adorable. 17 year old, sweet and innocent Ana.

"Come on, get up. I'm making pancakes. Breakfast of birthday champions" He bribes her and she raises her pillow slightly and looks at him with a raised eyebrow.

"There better be peaches and caramelized pecans with that." She sasses

"Only the best for you, Luna."

"Fine... I'm coming... five minutes." She hides her face back under the pillow.

"If you're not down there in next five minutes, I'm bringing up the ice-bucket." Ray bellows.

"Ufff Mama, control this old man of yours." She groans while Nita giggles.

The video ends and she giggle. It makes me smile. It's a beautiful memory to have on camera. I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and she looks back at me and suddenly confusion mars her beautiful face and she looks around.

"What happened?" she asks in a low voice.

"I think you had bad memory, you blacked out for a bit."

Her eyes widen even more in alarm. "What did I do?"

"Baby... it's okay... you just were lost for a bit and when I called out to you and held you... you got a little scared."

Her breathing quickens and I can tell she's about to freak out.

"Hey... baby, look at me." I hold her face. "Look at me, Ana." She looks back at me, tears start to fall from her eyes. "Just breathe. Take deep breaths okay, you're safe." She nods and breathes in and out and I lean in to give her a small kiss.

"Did I say anything? What happened?" I hear the panic in her voice.

"I had asked you about going to Miami, why you never visited before and you were telling me about a plan you and Kate made and then as you were talking you just got lost. When I tried to talk you out of it you said that he told you not to go to Miami."

She looks down at her knotted fingers. She's pulling at them with a force and I put my hands on them to stop her and gently squeeze her hand.

"Talk to me baby, just relax, you're in a safe space okay... he's not here. No one here is going to hurt you. Tell me what happened."

She begins to tell me how he forced himself on her after Rania's wedding because he thought she was with Karan because of the tabloid rumors and threatened her to never meet him or ever go see him otherwise he'd ruin her.

"Listen to me baby, he will _NEVER _hurt you. You're free now."

She silently nods and I pull her into my lap and hold her. She clings to me and rests her face in the crook of my neck. I rub her back, kissing her temple as she holds on to me for life. I can feel her fear... and my heart aches for the times she was alone with no one around to comfort her.

"Baby, let's take a bath and relax."

...

"I'm sorry." She says after a while of us sitting in the bath

I kiss her cheek "Why are you sorry baby?"

"You're busy and I shouldn't be monopolizing your time like this."

I turn her face to me and see the tears fall. "Ana, you're not making me do anything I don't want to do. I want to be here, I want to be the person you turn to and lean on when you're feeling like this."

She looks up. "Do you think I'm crazy?"

"No. You're not. I think you're tired. You're tired from trying to keep it together. I honestly don't know how you did it before... I'm in awe of you but you don't have to be so strong all the time."

Her conversation from last week with Nita comes to mind.

"_Aanu, what did I tell you before you left SF after the wedding... remember when you asked me about falling in love with Ray?"_

"_Yeah... you said I have to let myself be my absolute self be with the one I love... that I should let their love carry me sometimes... that I don't always have to be strong."_

"_Exactly, your partner shouldn't just love you because you're happy all the time. They should love you in sadness too but you have to let him love you in sadness."_

She doesn't say anything and her eyes remain downcast.

"Look at me Ana." She raises her eyes to look at me and I hold her face and kiss her. "He will never touch you again. He can try but he'll never touch you like that again. I know you've asked me to wait till the 3rd quarter and I will but after that all bets are off. He tries anything after that and I will eviscerate him, I know you want to protect your family but you are my family and I can't let this go on. Once the Will is read, no matter what the outcome... if he comes after you in any way... I will not hesitate."

_Till then, I'll still continue to monitor the fucker and gather as much evidence I can against him... even if it's circumstantial I will use whatever resource I can._

She looks down and I see tears fall from her eyes. She nods and I pull her in for a hug and she cries softly against my chest.

* * *

**Authors Note**:The next two or three chapters will be about Miami where Ana tells Aashu... there *****may* be some drama on the horizon in regrads to that... but we love ourselves some drama.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

I added a board to the pinterest called 'Characters' I had been meaning to do that. Anyway, since pinterest is weird. you'll have to click on each pin and scroll to the bottom to see who the character is.


	58. Chapter 58

I'm probably going to redo this chapter at some point. I've gotten to the point where I have allll these ideas but zero patience to write them down. Chapter 59 will be a far more engaging read, I hope. I just really wanted to post this because i'm impatient and this quarantine is REALLY getting to me. I'm restless.

How are you all doing? Tell me things.

* * *

**Chapter 58 – **_**You remind me of a pretty girl, who broke my heart.**_

_Friday, March 20__th__, 2020_

Ana's out cold on the bed next to me... we're about two and half hours away from Miami. I've done as much work as can but I can't seem to focus. The way Ana screamed 'NO' at the apartment triggered a memory. Something I haven't thought of in years.

_FLASHBACK_

_Monday, August 24__th__, 2015_

_I'm back in Seattle but my mind is still lost from the weekend._

"_Sir, she used a fake ID from New York. Her age according to the ID was 25."_

"_She looked much younger than that and had a European accent." I'm close to pulling out my hair now. She was probably in a scene. That's only explanation._

_Fuck. I just want to know if she's okay. Her screams have plagued my mind. I shouldn't have listened to Elena. _

"_Were you able to hack into the CCTV feed?" Please tell me there was something there._

"_No real visual for facial recognition. Everyone wore masks. There were no cameras in the rooms itself accept for the hallways. For all intents and purposes, it's safe to assume that she indeed was a submissive."_

_I nod but something is off. I felt it then. Her screams. Maybe Elena was right? Maybe she was playing the part. Like any good sub, she was fulfilling her Dom's wishes. If it was too much for her she would have safe worded. It's that simple. A good Dom respects their sub's limits._

_But not all Dom/Domme's are good. Elena on more than one occasion ignored my safe words. Her excuse? She was toughening me up._

_I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I need to meet with Flynn. I shouldn't be affected by this. She was clearly a sub. No other reason why she would've been in that part of the club with that man. She knew him, I saw the ease and comfort she felt with him and the way she smiled at him. What the fuck is going on with me?_

_FLASHBACK ENDS._

I close my laptop and lie down, holding Ana close. I stroke her cheek. She stirs a little and opens her eyes for a few seconds and looks at me, blinking sleepily with a small smile. I give her a small kiss and she hums a little against my lips.

We get to Miami at around 11am local time, Ana is still barely awake and but beams like a sunflower as we step out of the plane into the sun.

"Thank God for the sun and warmth." She muses.

"Thank God for you." I kiss her temple as we walk to the SUV waiting for us. Sawyer and Prescott join us shortly after loading our bags in the trunk. Ana insisted I give Taylor and Gail the weekend off, she's always thinking of others.

Karan and Tony live on Miami Beach. Predictable. That's where all the money is concentrated. They own a waterfront property that offers considerable privacy. They insisted we stay with them given all the extra room but Ana politely declined. I get the feeling that she really does value privacy above all else or that she really hates being a burden.

As we get closer to Miami Beach, Ana perks up a little and looks around.

"I think I like the Miami aesthetic. I could see myself here." She muses.

"I can't imagine you here."

"Oh, Vacation Ana is very much about the Miami aesthetic, at least right now she is." She giggles. "In fact, all of this makes me want to belt out 'in the 305, bitches treat me like I'm Uncle Luke.'" She laughs and throws her hands up in the air and I hear Sawyer snort in the front. "See, my buddy Sawyer gets it."

I give her a pointed look. I know she's friendly with the security staff but I'd still like her to maintain some distance with them. She leans in close me and pouts against my lips as she adorably does when she trying to get her way. "Don't be a grouch Mr. Grumpy Grey... it was just a joke." She whispers.

I relent a bit and give her a quick kiss and she smiles. "Where did that come from?"

"Travis Scott? PLEASE tell me you know Travis Scott?"

"Should I know him?"

She hides her face in her hands and giggles. "So much to teach you, child. SO MUCH!"

...

We check into our hotel and get to the penthouse suite.

"Christian, you shouldn't have booked such a big room, we're barely going to be here." She says with her brow furrowed and half yawning.

"I want only the best for my girl." I pull her into my arms. She smiles back sleepily.

"Still sleepy baby?"

She nods. "I think I'll nap a bit before we go meet Karan and Tony Bhai." She sounds like a little child, it warms my heart.

"How about you eat a little bit before you nap? You didn't eat on the plane either."

"Okay." She yawns again.

"What do you want to eat baby? I give her a small kiss.

"Whatever you'd like, I don't mind." Her brain really hasn't woken up because she always knows what she wants. I have to laugh.

We sit on the couch and I check the news and messages on my phone as she snuggles into me, her face resting on my chest, little sounds of humming escape her. It's like a balm that fills me with warmth.

I hear the door knock and wake her up and she sits up, still half asleep as the food comes in. She smiles and thanks the waiter and wishes him a good day.

_My girl, always with the good and gracious manners._

I order a selection of pancakes, eggs and toast with fresh fruit with coffee and tea.

She eats to her hearts content, a little bit of everything all while laughing like a child. She really loves breakfast food.

"I love that you eat so well."

"I love food, I wish women weren't so ashamed of liking food. I know I sometimes eat really bad food but it tastes so good." She whines and giggles.

After we're done she takes a breath as she rubs her belly and laughs "Yep, that's a food baby for sure." I lean down and kiss her belly. "One day they'll be a real baby" I look up back at her. Tears form in her eyes and she whispers something looking up to the sky.

"What did you say baby?" She looks back down at my head in her lap and wipes tears away. I said "Insha'Allah, it's Arabic for God willing or with God's grace."

I remember hearing the word often when we were working to land deals in Abu Dhabi and then setting up a GEH office there.

I get up and hug her, and hold her face close to mine and whisper "Insha'Allah." followed with a long and deep kiss.

"Come nap with me Mr. Grey, I'm a real sleepyhead today." She says smiling as we break from the kiss. I nod and we head to the bed. She takes out her phone and sends a sweet voice message to Karan letting him know that we arrived and she can't wait to see them in the evening. We get into bed and snuggle to nap for a bit. I've never napped during the day like this before her and I love it. She's like a balm in the craziness of the world. She's _home. _

I feel a buzzing sound followed by Ana moving a bit. I realize I'm halfway on top of her, legs entwined in hers and my face in the crook of her neck. She smells amazing and my body craves her proximity all the time.

She picks up the phone and whispers. I hear her giggle a bit at being teased by Karan or Tony no doubt. The fingers of her free hand lightly dancing in my hair. I savor the feeling.

"What time is it right now?... oh wow, I really did sleep the day away. No 7pm is perfect, we'll be there... What's the vibe?.. hmm okay... I'll figure it out...I promise I won't wear black... happy?... God stop trying to be the fashion police... okay sure send me the address and we'll meet you outside the place. Love you!" She hangs up and puts her phone away. I begin to kiss her neck and play with her breasts.

"Hey! I thought you were sleeping." She giggles as kisses my forehead."

"And now I'm up, fully awake." As I suggestively grind into her. She laughs and I climb on top of her and launch the attack of a full blown sensual assault.

"It's a little after 5 and we need to meet them at 7 somewhere on Ocean Drive." She breathes between kisses.

"Well, we're 5 minutes from there and I don't take that long to get ready."

She stops me mid kiss "Well I need time to get ready! I want to look nice."

"Babe, you could make a burlap sack look like couture."

"You're just saying that because you want sex."

"Yes, now let me have some."

She laughs "You have 10 minutes only then I have to go and take my sweet ass time to get ready."

"I need more than 10 minutes with your sweet ass."

She laughs out loud and I work to take off her jeans and t-shirt, she lies braless before me, bed hair and only wearing white lace panties. I take them off and plant wet kisses on each of her thighs leading up to the promised land. Her body arches up and she moans, with her hands in my hair. She loud and I love it. I lick and suck, sometimes biting her sensitive lips and it drives her wild, "Fuckkkk, christian, pleaseee." She feels it more this time around since she decided to get a full wax yesterday. _More fun for me._

_FLASHBACK_

"_HOLD ON... What do we have here?" I ask failing to hide my enthusiasm._

""_Shut up, Grey." She laughs._

"_Oh baby,... this is a pleasant surprise that I intend to enjoy."_

"_Wait... before you enjoy... do you prefer me this way?"_

"_I prefer you any way I can get you Miss Steele." I smirk._

_Truth is, I preferred my submissives completely waxed but with Ana it was never an issue. I didn't care about any of my previous preferences, I just wanted her. Everything about her was what I wanted and needed. _

"_Good answer." She giggles._

"_This is going to be intense baby and I'm going to enjoy every second of you losing yourself" _

"_God, Just don't kill me..." She giggles, covering her face with her hands._

_FLASHBACK ENDS_

I stop and move up and she unzips my fly and runs her hand along my shaft, fuck it feels so good, I need her. I bury my tongue her mouth and we moan into each other as she strokes me, I'm painfully hard now and need to be inside her. I grab her hand and hold it above her head.

I break the kiss and hover over her as I position myself and slowly enter her. I love watching her face as she feels me. She's so responsive. I lay with my forearms on either side of her face and her pulls my face closer to hers with her hands in my hair and legs locked over me.

I thrust into her in a circular motion, it's so much deeper this way and I know she loves it, her moans are exquisite.

"You're so fucking beautiful Ana." I breathe between kisses.

"Only because I'm yours." She whispers.

Fuck, the words light a fucking fire in me. I increase my speed a little and she matches it thrust for thrust.

"Mine." I bite her lip and groan.

"Yours, always." She pants back. She's so close.

I pound into her, as I kiss her neck. She's gloriously loud and close, just like I love her.

"Christian... Christian..." She calls out as she reaches her climax and I follow almost immediately as I tense up out

"Ana..." I try to catch my breath..."I love you, baby." I whisper.

I love how intense it can be with her. It's so fucking satisfying yet I can't help but want more and more.

I rest my head in her breasts and kiss them every now and then.

"If I look like crap tonight, it'll all be your fault because I didn't get enough time to get ready." She giggles.

"You always look amazing to me." I bite down on her breasts.

"Oww, that hurts, stop assaulting my poor breasts." she laughs

"Whatever, you love me and these tits are mine. I'll do whatever I please."

"Perv. Let me go we need to get ready." She half whines and giggles.

"But I want more." I look up.

"You can have more when we come back tonight but please let's make our way to get ready."

...

_You remind me of a pretty girl, baby  
You remind me of a pretty girl, you do  
You remind me of a pretty girl, baby, who broke, who broke my heart, baby  
That tore my life apart_

"You look beautiful." I tell her as she hums and finishes fixing her hair. She's in a red jumpsuit she told me she was only going to wear really bright colors for this trip and really enjoy the Miami vibe.

She beams at me and cocks her head to one side and narrows her eyes at me "Nice try, Grey but we're going to be late."

"Miss Steele, it was an honest to god compliment. You wound me." I chuckle.

"Yeah, yeah... I know you're game, Mr. Billionaire." She turns back to apply mascara.

She joins me out in the room when she's done and goes to slip on her heels.

"Baby..."

"Yeah?"

I walk to her and give her a small kiss. "I got you a little something." She's wearing the charm bracelet, I place a small wrapped box in her open palm and wrap my arms around her waist and rest my face on her shoulder.

She turns her face slightly gives me a sweet smile before opening the box. Inside she finds two new charms.

"Charlie Tango!" She gasps and squeals but then looks back at me confused. "A phone?"

""Booty call." I smirk as I whisper against her lips and she bursts out laughing and peppers my lips with kisses.

"Thank GOD, you didn't have your actual ass modeled out of silver for the charm."

"I almost did. Didn't want you to forget what it looked like."

"Oh god, how the hell would I have explained that to people?" She giggles as she adds the new charms to her bracelet.

"I'm sure that smart mouth of yours would've come up with something." I chuckle and kiss her again.

She wraps her arms around my neck. "I love that all my firsts are with you."

"Same here baby, same here."

...

We meet Karan, Aashu and Tony at the Mango Tropical Café. Ana told them she wanted to see some of the nightlife. So they arranged a small part of the balcony seating on the café's second floor to be sectioned off for a little privacy and peace of mind.

"I love this place." Ana claps and looks down to the live band playing while people dance.

"Yeah, I figured the party animal in you would appreciate it. It's not too crazy but it's a fun place." Tony laughs.

Karan and Tony have been in a relationship for 6 years now but they act as business partners in public. No one in the family except for Aashu and Ana know about them. Karan suspects that other cousins may know that he's gay but no one has ever questioned him. Similarly, it wouldn't be good business for KGI if Karan's status got out. A lot of KGI's shareholders are conservative, including the business contacts they have on the other side of the world. He doesn't want to jeopardize the family business in any way which is why Karan and Tony keep a very low profile.

A waitress comes by to take our drink and food orders.

"Bachay, the usual?"

"Yep" She beams.

"A virgin Pina colada." Karan tells the waitress.

"You like Pina Coladas?" I ask, thoroughly amused at this new revelation. I learn something new every day.

"And getting caught in the rain." She sasses and does a little dance making us all laugh. "I love them. I could drink them allll day."

_I fucking love this girl_

"You know, I was surprised you and Christian ended up together." Karan muses.

"Why do you say that?" I ask.

"Well, this one has a friendzone problem." He points at Ana and laughs.

"No, I don't Bhai." Ana rolls her eyes

"Yes you do bachay...allow me to further prove my point... when you met Elliot, you high fived him within 10 minutes."

"So?" She looks at him confused.

"Every straight guy I have seen you interact with, you high five them almost immediately after meeting them. You did the same with Tony when you didn't even know he was gay."

"I fail to see the point."

"Have you ever high fived Christian?"

She looks at me and I see her thinking then suddenly her eyes go wide. "OH MY GOD. I NEVER HIGH FIVED YOU. I have literally high fived every guy I know..."

"That's how I knew she was into you." Karan laughs.

"Well, he was my boss, I wasn't going to high five my boss." She sasses.

"No, you were just going to hook up with him at your cousins wedding." Karan wiggles his eyebrows and Ana reaches across from the table and smacks his arm, giggling.

"You better not high five me, Miss Steele." I kiss her temple.

"I wouldn't dream of it, Mr. Grey." She whispers against my lips and gives me a small kiss.

Tony and Karan are hilarious, even though it's mostly at Ana's expense. She doesn't falter for a second and hits them back with equal sass.

"I understand that dancing and music is a huge part of the culture but where does the competitive aspect come from?" I ask.

"Ah, well... weddings can otherwise be very boring and drawn out if we just stuck to the traditions of it all. The competitive aspect is honestly to put some fun back into atmosphere. For example, for Kiran's wedding the competition was between the guys and girls because it was a half white wedding and well, they just fucking sucked at choreographed dancing... for Aashu's wedding... it's all out war. The grooms side versus the brides side... it's also a way for the brides side to warn the groom's side not to mess with her or we'll bury them..." Karan replies.

"Yep, and it's all fun and games till someone gets hurt... so the goal is to remind them to not hurt our girl." Ana sasses, waving her finger. "Also, the dances at Aashu's wedding will be significantly different than what you saw at Kiran's wedding. Kiran is all about the sexy and sensual vibe... I mean she wanted us to dance to this song called Bed that had us humping the floor at one point and I had to put my foot down on that. There's a limit to my being a hoe..." She giggles.

"This I find very intriguing." I raise an eyebrow and we all laugh.

"Trust me... it would've been a shit show but this guy here." She points at Karan. "This guy is a drill Sargent. His vibe is... let's scare these bitches into an early grave. He goes for the most intricate and physically demanding routines. I took me FOREVER to learn our Sangeet danceoff routine. It was a miracle I didn't mess up."

"Good thing you didn't or I would've thrown you off the dance floor. I do not accept failure." Karan laughs.

I chuckle. "Tony what were your thoughts when you first witnessed all this at Rania's wedding?"

"I thought they were are fucking crazy but it was hilarious. We're Italian and it's sorta like that in my family too, we verbally abuse and threaten the groom's family... these guys do that and produce fucking musicals with it." Tony laughs.

"No one messes with the guidios from Joisy shore." Ana says in an aggressive Italian accent.

"I could put you in the ground for such insolence." Tony warns in an equally animated accent.

"I'd like to see you try, Avazni." She sticks his tongue out at him and he shakes his head while he laughs.

Tony's great grandparents came from Sicily and settled in New York then New Jersey later on, there are suspected to have ties to the Mafia but it's never talked about. His family back then started a small restaurant that grew popular and they now run a successful chain of Italian restaurants along the eastern seaboard. As of now, Karan and Tony have been working on creating their own nest egg of sorts with real estate acquisitions and in the past 6 years developed a portfolio with a net worth a little over $750 million dollars. They are projected to hit a billion by the end of 2020 if their Texas deal goes through.

Aashu's wedding has been postponed till August of this year. Something about her maternal family members in India being unable to make it to the States given the upcoming exams for most of the cousins. In August everyone will be able to visit for longer rather than making the long haul trip to SF for just 4 days. She has 7 events in total. A whole week of wedding festivities but Ana has only promised our attendance for the 4 main events that fall on the Thursday to Sunday schedule.

"Christian bhai, will you join us in the dances? Now that the wedding has been postponed you have time to practice." Aashu looks at me and laughs.

"I don't know if that's a good idea for me Aashu."

"Come on, you can't be worse than Elliot. He was a disaster." She giggles.

"That may be true but I don't think I'm cut out for this." I smirk.

"Aashu, I just found him. Let's try to keep him a little longer. How about he first survive a full Indian wedding as a spectator THEN we can really get him to participate." Ana laughs.

"Nah, mate... if you're gonna be a part of this family, you've got to pay your dues." Karan laughs.

"Listen to me you heathens. Leave my poor man alone. We've already bombarded him with too much. We need to be gentle." Ana playfully chides and runs her finger through my hair at the back of my neck. It's such a simple gesture full of love. I look back at her and she winks. I don't know how I've lived without this for so long.

Aashu tells me how her first year of law school is going at Stanford. She currently works with Rania at AHAK learning the ins and outs of the business. She passionate about what she does and tells me that despite her very bubbly persona she loves a good smack down in the board room. She'll help out Karan in his deals whenever it's needed. Ana hasn't been able to hangout with Karan and Aashu as just them ever. They've always been surrounded by other cousins and or the schedules just never linked up when Ana would go to visit SF during her college years which were few and far in between. This weekend marks them hanging out like this for the very first time.

The live band starts to play a song, making Ana and Aashu exchange an animated look.

"Boys, we must forsake you for the dance floor. They're playing Mr. Worldwide and I need to pay my respects." Ana laughs as she gets up.

Karan groans. "Of all the people to have an obsession with."

"Shut up. Don't talk smack about Mr. Worldwide."

"Who the fuck is Mr. Worldwide?" I ask, clearly not in the loop.

"Mr. Worldwide, runs the 305 and the world. Pitbull, Christian. Oh God... Karan, tell this man who Pitbulll is... I have to go dance." Ana rolls her eyes and laughs and soon Aashu and her run around the balcony down the stairs and get their dance on. It's like watching Mia being multiplied.

"Good luck with that one." Karan laughs.

"I honestly have trouble keeping up with her sometimes." I chuckle."

"I have nothing to help with that brother, you're all on your own." He shrugs.

_I need you _  
_Hey mama, hey mama, hey mama, hey ma' _  
_Girl, it's getting hotter _  
_I can't take much more _  
_I need you _

We watch them dance from the balcony. They're as animated as I saw them at the wedding. The band plays on and Tony makes his way to join Ana while Aashu comes back up to get her drink and take a little break. I have no reason to be jealous but he holds her as they try to dance the Salsa... Ana keeps messing up, throwing her head back as she laughs and it makes me long for her just as I did at the wedding.

"Excuse me, Karan, I have to go and steal my girl back from your boyfriend." I tell him and he smirks.

"Have at it, Grey." He smirks.

I walk down and make my way to them.

"Can I have my girl back?" I ask.

"Oh shit, Richie Rich came out to play." Tony gives Ana a look making her burst out laughing.

"Go away, I wanna dance with my man now. BYE." She gives him a small kiss on the cheek and turns away wrapping her arms around my neck.

"I missed you." I whisper against her lips.

"I missed you, too but I didn't want to put you on the spot to dance with me in public. I know you're shy" She looks into my eyes gives me a small kiss.

"I know... but I saw you butchering the Salsa and I had to rectify the situation."

"WAIT. You can dance the salsa?" her eyes go wide.

"I told you, Grace signed us up for ballroom dancing as we were growing up but my skill level is elementary in this particular style." I smirk at her and she giggles.

"I'm so excited." She jumps up and down as she laughs.

"Calm down, Miss Steele... we're going to take it a little slow." I chuckle

The song changes and the girl starts to sing about Havana. It's a slightly slower song and I pull Ana close to me and hold her tight and she molds herself to me. We look into each other's eyes and I feel her breathing change. She bites her lip, trying to suppress a smile. _I've got you where I want you, Miss Steele._

_I knew it when I met him_  
_I loved him when I left him_  
_Got me feelin' like_  
_Ooh-ooh-ooh, and then I had to tell him_  
_I had to go, oh na-na-na-na-na_

The dance floor is filled with couples dancing but it really feels like we're the only ones here. I spin her around, and teach her the steps and she's able to keep with me. She has a natural rhythm and she's a quick study but then again, I suppose it's also because we're just so in tune with each other. There's no way I'm going to go all out with her in public, so I settle for keeping it as PG-13 as I can. I kiss her neck every now and then, making her giggle. I see the happiness on her face, the light in her eyes... this is what she's always needed. _The simple things._ I could buy her all the diamonds in the world, take out on all the most elaborate dates and vacations but she will always cherish more is the simplicity of us being, _us._ Just like we are now. Just two people, having a night out and dancing. Nothing more, nothing less. _Just us, being normal._

This is how we were at the wedding. We were just us. It didn't matter who were back in our real lives, all that mattered was the connection we had.

Once the song ends she giggles and kisses me deeply and sways a little. We're both breathless, as we break apart.

"I'm so happy." She beams at me.

"Me too, baby."

We walk back up to our table and join everyone.

"Need a room there guys?" Aashu wiggles her eyebrows.

"No, just some ice-cream and donuts." Ana deadpans.

"Of course, how could I forget. I have a gremlin over for the weekend." Karan laughs.

...

"Ana, this isn't ice-cream, this is like eating chilled chilli powder." I shake my head as I try her ice-cream selection.

"You're such a baby. Learn to live a little." She rolls her eyes and we all switch our ice-creams for everyone to try out

We're at Azucar Ice-cream, the first stop on Ana's food wish list. Both Ana and Aashu took their sweet time deciding what to get and sampling all the flavors under the sun. She finally settled on a combo of Burn in Hell Fidel, a chocolate ice-cream with an overly generous helping of cayenne pepper along with a scoop of Abuela Maria, a sweet guava cream cheese with sweet crackers.

I kept it simple with the Cuban vanilla. She laughed when I gave my order and kissed the corner of my mouth.

After getting our ice-creams, we walk down half a block to the doughnut place. The entire area is alive with people walking around and some dancing in the streets as the live music blares out from one of the restaurants on our walk to the doughnut shop.

"I think I really, REALLY like Miami." Ana laughs as she scarfs down her ice-cream.

"You say that now, Bachay... but then it goes into the high 90's and the humidity is at an all time high, it's fucking brutal."

"Fine, I'll just be a snowbird. Spend my winters in Miami like an old grandma. Make sure my room is prepped to my liking, Kapadia." She sasses.

"You're dating a monster, Christian." Karan laughs and I shake my head.

**APOV**

Tonight has been awesome. The warm weather definitely helps. I feel light with not a care in the world. I'm mentally kicking myself for not being brave enough to just have flown out to Miami back in college but I guess I was meant to be here with Christian. He's been able to hold his own so far with us. I know we're a whole lot of noise compared to what he's used to but I can see he's making an effort and he's doing so well.

Sometimes I catch him looking at me and it's a look that I can't seem to decipher. It's not filled with lust it's... I don't know what it is. His eyes are kind but I see sadness in them. There's something he's thinking about. I give him small kisses every now and then, it's the only way I can communicate right now till we're alone and I can ask him what's on his mind.

We walk into 3dough5. They had a really good rating on Yelp and I sincerely hope it's not hyped up.

"Hi! I'd like to get six donuts please." I smile at the store rep.

"Sure, which ones would you like?" he asks.

"A boston cream, one dulce de leche, two nutella and and two guava cream cheese ones, please."

I turn to my crew and Karan gives me a look.

"Thanks for asking which ones we wanted." Karan chides.

"News flash... this box is all mine. Get your own." _I am not sharing._

"You're going to eat 6 donuts?" Christian asks.

"Yes." _Did he really doubt my ability to inhale these?_

He looks taken aback while the rest of us laugh.

"Told you, you're dating a Gremlin. Right now, she's in a good mood so she might share." Karan laughs.

"I don't share my food." I growl and they continue to laugh.

Karan orders his own selection and I give them my box as well to keep for our brunch tomorrow, not before taking out the nutella one.

I let Christian have one bite but ate the whole thing myself. Not everything is meant to be shared, the sooner he learns that, the easier his life will be.

...

"Christian, your photoshopped body gives me anxiety sometimes. Like, I love food but now looking at those abs, I'm regretting eating that donut." I whine as I tie up my robe tighter. I'm wearing a nightgown but I feel the need to hide myself further.

He laughs out loud and standing over there in just his boxers as we finish brushing our teeth. I hate him so much.

"Baby, you have an amazing body." He says sincerely.

I look at him with I'm pretty sure is bug eyes. This man is blind. I have cellulite on my thighs, it's gotten significantly better but still... it's there, I don't have the flattest stomach, if I'm bloated enough, I can look pregnant. I've always thought my boobs were too big for my body but Kate says that men love that shit so I'll let that go. I guess I should thank Carla for that piece of DNA. I used to have flabby arms but I really worked on fixing that shit. I don't have a thigh gap but I'm okay with that I think... over all, I'm okay... I wouldn't call my body amazing but yes I can do a motherfucking handstand in my sleep so I'm proud of the progress I've made but I still have a ways to go. Maybe, I should train with Claude... just to get some definition. Nothing crazy just to tone up a little more. I only recently started upping my pilates game. For the past few years, I've kept myself on the intermediate level because I couldn't really afford to sign up for the unlimited monthly classes when I was in Portland, I could've gone the mat pilates route but I would always get so bored. So, I would pay per class and then yoga was free thanks to youtube university.

I suddenly feel his lips on me and my spiral into the oblivion of endless and mindless thoughts is halted. It takes me a minute to respond and breathe. Our tongues clash, trying to reacquaint themselves as if we've been apart for years.

He pulls away and I see that intense look. He takes my hands and drags me out to the room and has be stand in front of the huge mirror right outside the walk-in closet.

He stands behind me and unfastens my robe, gently letting it fall to the floor. He then lifts up the nightgown and takes it off of me and throws it too the floor and the quickly takes off his boxers but remains standing behind me. I'm completely naked and I suddenly feel so conscious. We haven't said a word in the last few minutes. I look down, I can't really look at myself like this.

"Look at yourself Anastasia."

Oh crap. _Dom Christian is in the house._ _Time to party._

I gulp and look in the mirror but I look at him instead. My mind just automatically blurs my own body and I stare into his eyes through the mirror. My very own censor board.

He bends down a little and uses his left hand to run it on the insides of my thigh. It slow and deliberate. Like a slow growing fire. He reaches my sex and starts to play with me. It's just as slow. My body arches a little at the sensation and I close my eyes to control myself a little.

_Need to not be such a lightweight._

"These thighs... and this pussy." He whispers into my ear while keep his eyes and hand on me. Holy shit this is hot.

_Going to expire soon._

"I dream about getting lost in them all fucking day and night." He bites my earlobe and I squirm a little but he grabs me with right arm. Snaking it around my waist. A giggle escapes me.

His left hand remains on my sex. Alternating from using his fingers to play with me and simply holding on to me.

"You're so wet for me, baby." This time he sucks on my earlobe and I'm unable to stop myself from throwing my head back.

I moan out my affirmation, desperately trying not to close my eyes and holding his gaze. I see a smile form on his lips. _He knows what he's doing. Ass._

His arm slowly moves upwards and I feel his hand grab on to my left breast. "See how you fit my hand. Only for me. You were made only for me." I look and I feel my insides on fire. A burning furnace now at full force. Any hotter and I'll melt to the ground completely. "I think about these perfect tits, all day at work. To see them bouncing in front me as you ride me and scream my name."

"Yes..." I moan and grind into him a little. I'm trying to keep my eyes focused on him but it's not working. I feel my eyes roll back.

Suddenly he slaps my clit. I arch involuntarily and gasp. FUCK... that... didn't really hurt. It's an odd sensation and my hoe of a mouth betrays me as I moan. _Thanks for nothing._

He looks pretty fucking pleased with himself. "Yes, what Anastasia?"

"Yes sir." I moan and god I sound like a needy hoe right now.

"You liked how that felt didn't you?" He continues playing with my breast, pinching and twisting my nipple. It's so many different sensations. His lips grazing my neck, his hand and fingers teasing my nipples, his hand on my sex and finally, his dick behind me. He's hard as a rock as he lightly grinds into me every so often.

I slowly nod, biting my lip and he slaps my clit again.

"Yes sir." I say out of breath, closing my eyes for a moment.

His hand travels up to my neck and he holds me place. "Look at yourself Anastasia. Your body is all lit up for me, only me. You're completely mine, aren't you?" He kisses my temple, still looking into my eyes and I feel my vision blur a little.

"Yours, Sir."

"This is who you are. You're meant for me. Your body craves me just as I crave you. Do you see that, baby... do you feel it?" I feel his voice vibrate against my skin. I'm losing my ability to keep coherent. "Tell me Anastasia." He commands.

"Yes, Sir." I am now wound up so tight, I could snap at any minute. I breathe and try to control myself.

He slowly turns my face towards him, his hand resting on my neck. I get lost in his eyes, his breathing is heavy like mine. He kisses me, soft and gentle kisses to start with and then I feel his tongue graze my lower lip and slowly meet my own and I start to lose myself again. He teases me with his fingers and I moan into him. I'm so close and I can feel my knees start to turn to jelly.

He immediately stops and breaks away and I take a few seconds to open my eyes and the bastard is smirking at me. I give him a small smile.

"You were getting a little lost there, we can't have that now can we. Not yet at least."

I whimper a response because my brain is still all scattered. He turns me around slowly and starts to stroke himself.

"This is what you do to me baby."

I look down and even though we've been together a while now, I can't a) how big it is and b) how does it fit into me. Every time he enters me it feels like the first time, minus any pain.

I look up at and kneel down biting my lip, never taking my eyes off of him. I take him in my hand. I stroke him a few times and then take him in my mouth. Making out with his cock at this point, I hear his breathing get louder, almost moaning at he throws head back. He tries to get me to stop but I don't till growls and picks me up, making me wraps my legs around him as he walks us to the bed.

He lays me down and kisses me. It's a searing, all consuming kiss that drives me insane. I wrap my legs around him, urging him to fill me. Once he does, all bets are off. He fucks me, _really_ fucks me, hitting the spot every time. It's sensory overload with his fingers on my clit, his cock inside of me and his tongue in my mouth.

My brain is in the clouds somewhere. My nether regions are going off like fireworks and my mouth? Well that hoe is like a girl gone wild during spring break in Miami.

Which is funny because, it essentially is spring break season in Miami.

"Come on, Ana. Give it to me." He says with clenched teeth as he pounds into me with a force.

I don't even know what I'm saying or what sounds I'm making but pretty soon, I come and feel Christian still going at it when he stills and grunts, pouring himself into me as he calls out my name.

His face is so beautiful as he looks down at me. I belong to him and he belongs to me. He leans down for a kiss and it's soft and gentle.

"I love you baby."

"I love you." I whisper back.

He tries to pull out but I don't let him. He smiles at me and strokes my cheek, looking into my eyes. No matter how much fun we have or how gentle or rough the sex is, there are times when I'm so overcome with emotion for what I feel for him and how he makes me feel. I never thought, I'd ever feel safely desired; in a way that wasn't through eyes of deceit and harm. One look from him and I am completely his. _Always and forever._

I guess that's what the universe wanted for us. Yes we had been in the same spaces, even held each other's hand briefly but never had we been in close proximity to look into each other's eyes, in a moment of stillness. That's what we needed. Just us. Close.

"You're so precious to me Ana. I wish you could see it." He says to me with reverence.

I'm unable to speak. I will myself to believe him. To accept the way that he sees me to be enough.

"What are you thinking of Miss Steele?" He asks and kisses the corner of my mouth.

"Thinking of you, Mr. Grey... more with you." I smile back. I feel him start to get hard inside me and I bite my lip at the sensation.

"Let me take care of that need, Miss Steele." He smirks and slowly makes love to me.

* * *

_Saturday, March 21__st__, 2020_

**CPOV**

It appears that the one thing Karan is absolute shit at is cooking. The Ana and Aashu took charge of brunch today while Tony is in charge of an all out Italian dinner tonight. They have a golden retriever Spencer who shuffles between Aashu and Ana, effectively ignoring all the men. He's clearly a ladies man.

Once we're done with brunch we relax outside in their outdoor patio area. Ana's curled up with me as we continue to talk about different things.

Suddenly, her phone rings and she starts to laugh.

"It's Jose... my friend from GEH... this should be fun. He only calls me when he's freaking out." She accepts the call and sets it to speaker.

"Hi... Quee"

"DON'T HI QUEEN ME YOU INSUFFERABLE HAG." He spits out.

We all try to keep ourselves from laughing.

"I'm guessing this is about the Seattle Nooz article from this morning?"

"You bet your scrawny white ass it is... I saw that video of you two dancing. I SWEAR I ALMOST GOT PREGNANT."

"Did you now?" Ana giggles.

"I know the hot girl was your cousin but who are those two hotties that were with you?"

Karan and Tony are losing it now. Aashu is hiding her face in a pillow to keep herself from laughing.

"Oh... that's my cousin Karan and our friend Tony."

"Well..."

"Well, what?" she asks.

"When are they coming to Seattle?"

"You're married, Jose."

"DIOS MIO! Bitch, I'm married not blind, deaf and mute."

"I'll let you know when they'll visit. Then you can stare at them up close all you want."

"Good. I only ask for the little things in life."

"How's Miami?"

"It's great, I love it here. By the way, everyone says hi, they think you're hilarious." Ana giggles and we hear Jose gasp.

"You put me on speakerphone again? You bitch... HI EVERYONE... DON'T BELIEVE A WORD THIS HAG TELLS YOU. OKAY BYEEEEE." He hangs up.

We all burst out laughing.

"So this is the Jose you talk about?" Karan asks in between his laughing.

"Yeah, he's my Queen at GEH. He makes life entertaining for me. He's burning with jealousy because he wants to be here too."

...

"Bachay, guess who I ran into in London while having lunch?"

"No idea."

"Shasa Aunty."

Ana groans. "That bitch is still alive?"

"Alive and kicking." He laughs. "She asked about you, said she always knew you'd land a whale."

Ana takes a deep breath. "Karan, this time I'll seriously backhand the bitch when I see her. Thank god she didn't end up coming to Kiran's wedding but if she says something to me at Aashu's wedding... I'm throwing her off the Bay Bridge."

"Who is this woman?" I ask. Not many people illicit this reaction from Ana and it's amusing.

"This woman, more like dis bitch, I should say..." she giggles and then continues. "When Rania was getting married, it was my first time appearing out in the family since the accident... and well, Karan will attest to this, I looked... different. I had lost all the weight and suddenly I was a 'prospect'."

I look to Karan and he shrugs in affirmation.

"Any way, so Shasa Aunty is a Nani's niece... basically part of the extended family that's settled in London. She saw me at the wedding and I kid you not, this bitch is like...wait, I need to channel her accent for this... yeah so she's like 'Oh God, Aana. It's so good to see you again, looking so well and the weight loss is incredible... you know, Nita, if you're interested in setting Aana up, I know so many prospects who would love to talk to her and get to know her." Ana speaks in the perfect british accent with perfect animation and it's hilarious but then I feel a frission of anger run through me.

"What's her full name?" I ask in as measured a tone as I can.

"She's small fish Christian bhai, don't worry... we keep her around for the entertainment..." Aashu laughs.

"Yeah... so Nita in the most polite way possible shut her down saying that Aana is not interested she's still in college etc. THEN, DIS BITCH has the audacity go on and say, that I always thought you were a lovely girl but with this new look you're such a beautiful woman, don't worry you can tell your Shasa Aunty whenever you're interested in settling down... I just looked at her and was like... NO THANK YOU... and by the way Karan bhai, that was why I was such a bitch that first night when we went to McDonald's because every human being in the extended family was coming up to me telling me how the weight loss was so infreakingcredible."

"I know Bachay... you know how our people are... no filter whatsoever." He smiles apologetically.

"That's fucked up." I say.

"It is but I rarely get to see the extended family... it was jarring at Rania's wedding but then I learned to tune it out by the third day... but the damage was done. She had taken a few pictures of me and sent them to her network of aunties who were looking for brides for the sons and as soon as Rania's wedding was over... Mama, Alia Khala and Nani were bombarded with calls about me and wanting to know if I would consider talking to their son." She laughs out loud.

I give her a look. I know this doesn't matter at all but I find this all too fucking weird. She looks back at me and gives me a small kiss.

"Don't worry, now that I'm dating you no one will even dare look at me."

"They better fucking not." I realize I sound a little petulant and everyone laughs.

"Don't worry Christian Bhai, now that she with a white guy... she's too much of a hoe." Aashu cackles

"Why?" I ask, amused.

"It's a thing. It would be different if I was dating a south Asian guy, these women would still try to get me to notice their sons but now that I'm dating a white guy... well, there's just no competition. Also, south Asian men are really weird. As soon as they've found out you've dated a white guy... they lose interest in you. It's like they know they'll never measure up... it's an ego thing." She sasses.

"Well, then I'm glad I got to you before all those insufferable bastards could." I smirk.

"Same here, Mr. Grey." She kisses me while Karan, Tony and Aashu howl and clap.

..._  
_

I find Ana floating on her back in the pool when I jump in. I swim to her and give her a small kiss.

"Having fun, Miss Steele?"

"Yes Mr. Grey, I feel at peace right now." She stands up and puts her arms around me and gives me a dreamy smile and I feel the surge of emotion in my chest. The color of the water really brings out her eyes.

"I'm glad to hear that baby... I have to say, I am really liking you in a bikini."

"I thought you liked me naked." She wiggles eyebrows

"Well, yes but for now, this bikini is still doing a good job and giving me lots of ideas."

"Keep those ideas to yourself. We're in public."

"So? If you're really quiet I'm sure we can get away with it."

"Christian Grey, I should spank your ass." She tries to scold me but ends up giggling.

"You'd only hurt your hand baby..."

"Fine, I'll get a riding crop" She laughs.

"Well, well... someone has been doing some research." I smirk.

"Shut up, I saw it in my initial research." She rolls her yes.

"Would you be willing to experiment, I think you'd really like it." _Please say yes._

She tries to suppress a smile and shrugs. "Maybe... " I hear her breathing hitch.

"There's my little freak." I give her a quick kiss.

She giggles. "You know, it's the first time I've felt comfortable wearing a bikini. I feel safe here so I don't mind."

"What about Cabo, didn't you guys go swimming?"

"Everyone did but... " she looks down. "There were too many new people and I was very uncomfortable wearing something revealing in front of some people..." she swallows and I immediately understand what she means. "I just work summer dresses... and told everyone that I didn't like being in the water. Besides... The scar I have on my thigh... I didn't want anyone asking me about it... people don't exactly have the finesse to ask about that stuff."

"I'm sorry baby."

"No, it's okay... it's taken me a really long time to think my body is acceptable, I guess. I'm still working on not always seeing my flaws... it's just a work in progress I guess." She cocks her head to the side and gives me a small smile.

_When you looked at me  
Eyes the deepest blue  
There was nothing else  
It was only you_

I give her a small kiss.

"KNOCK IT OFF YOU TWO." Tony yells and runs and cannonballs into the pool making us laugh.

Soon, Karan and Aashu join us as well.

"You guys, I think I'm ready to be a real housewife of Miami." Ana declares.

"Of course you are, you two dollar hoe." Tony sneers.

"EXCUSE ME... I was a two dollar hoe in 2019... in 2020, I've graduated to being a private jet hoe so if you're going to insult me... at least get it right." She sasses and we all laugh.

...

After sometime in the pool we find ourselves back inside and relaxing. Karan, Aashu and Ana are deep in animated conversation on the couch together on the far side of the room about the dances for the wedding, every now and then she bursts out laughing, I can't stop looking at her.

Tony and I discuss his next moves in Texas and the overall projection of what him and Karan are trying to achieve. We both find ourselves staring at Karan, Aashu and Ana after a bit when Tony pulls me out of my reverie.

"I owe Ana a lot. She saved our relationship." He smiles softly at her.

I look back at him confused.

"Karan and I had only been together about a year at the time and he invited me over to his cousin's wedding in SF to introduce me as the new business partner, which I was in addition to our romantic one. During the festivities I think one of the indian magazine editors who was there probably noticed something between Karan and I, I mean we tried to be super careful but I guess the editor picked up on something. Ana overheard the editor talk to her boss on the phone about pursuing this as a story and getting a picture of us. Later that evening when Karan and I were heading back to our room, we were being followed by that reporter and Ana ran behind us and put her hand in Karan's and kissed his cheek out of the blue, telling him how much she missed him. It caught us by surprise and when we got in the elevator she quickly closer the elevator before the reporter could get on and told us what happened..."

I look at him in shock.

"She didn't even know Karan was gay and it was her first time out in a huge family celebration after her accident and she did something so huge for us. I'm forever in her debt. We got close that weekend and she told us about Vishaal, it was like a weight had been lifted off her and Karan to finally find someone in the family who understands. Since then Karan and I have tried to take care of her as best as we can and as much as she'll let us all while keeping the balance in the family..." His voice wavers a bit.

"So yeah Grey, you mess with her then you face our wrath... oh also Spencer there but he's a lazy ass most of the time." Spencer looks back at us at the sound of his name and softly barks as Tony lets out a laugh.

"I never knew that. She just told me the tabloid reported a rumor." My voice is barely whisper.

"Yeah... she didn't think they'd report that since she was kind of a nobody. She knows how much Kiran and Vishaal have an issue with Karan and Aashu so she does her best to balance everything while still showing up for them completely. Her pictures got plastered over the indian tabloids after that with the rumor she was dating Karan. They hounded her online and she had to disappear from social media but it died down quickly, she even handled the family's questions with grace telling them it was a rumor and they took an innocent interaction and blew it out of proportion. She's got good instincts and a shit ton of fight in her..." Tony says with pride.

"She never ceases to amaze me Tony. She's completely changed my life." I tell him.

"That's the beauty of who she is. A simple and beautiful girl with so much power and yet she doesn't realize her own potential. Let's cheers to that" he tips his beer bottle to me and we clink.

"What are you guys cheering to?" Ana asks as she walks towards to us.

"We're cheering to having you in our lives." I smile at her.

"Yeah yeah, that's only cause I feed you all." She laughs as she pets Spencer who's now lying at her feet asking for a belly rub.

I'm so out of my depth and in love with her. She's a fucking saint.

She sit close to me for a bit. "I'm going to go and talk to Aashu now. I've already told Karan that I'm going to. Hopefully it won't be too bad." I see the apprehension in her eyes.

I nod and give her a small kiss. "I'm here if you need me."

"I know." She gives me a small smile but I see tears start to form in her eyes but she quickly recovers.

...

It's been a while since Ana and Aashu have been inside talking. I can see Karan is nervous. He's a little distracted and keeps looking towards the stairs that lead up to the bedrooms. Tony and I continute to talk about sports when we suddenly hear Ana call out Aashu's name as she runs down the stairs.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Aashu lashes out at Karan in tears.. "YOU HAVE KNOWN FOR FOUR YEARS AND YOU DID NOTHING? BOTH OF YOU..." she spits out. I see Ana behind her crying.

"Aashu, bachay..." He stands up to try and tries to console her but she steps back. She looks at Tony and I.

She points at me "AND YOU, YOU'RE HER BOYFRIEND HOW COULD YOU NOT DO ANYTHING. YOU HAVE THE MEANS." I open my mouth to speak but truth is I'm a little shocked in this moment... before I regain my composure.

"AASHA. DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK TO THEM LIKE THAT. YOU WILL NOT BE DISRECPECTFUL."

"WHY AANAPA? WHY? THEY SHOULD'VE DONE SOMETHING AS SOON AS THEY FOUND OUT."

"BECAUSE IT IS MY DECISION AND I TOLD THEM NOT TO. YOU BETTER FUCKING CALM DOWN AND APOLOGIZE TO THEM... NOW. AASHA." Ana roars at Aashu and I see her eyes drop to the floor.

"Don't make me repeat myself Aasha." Ana warns.

More tears fall from Aashu's eyes. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you all like that... I just... I don't understand why we aren't doing anything."

Ana takes a deep breath. "Because Aashu, we can't do anything."

"Why not?"

"You know how fucked up he is. This is between me and him. He wants me to play a game and I am not fucking playing any more games. I am tired Aashu. I have been tired for the past four years, okay. I am done. He took the Akash smackdown as the first sign of engagement and I fucked up okay. I should've been smart and maintain my no engagement position but I am really at my wits end now."

_Game, what fucking game is she talking about?_

"Aanapa we can help you... please." Aashu pleads.

"I DON'T WANT ANYONE'S HELP. OKAY. I HAVE BEEN ALONE IN THIS ALL THIS TIME. I WAS ALONE WHEN HE RAPED ME. I WAS ALONE WHEN I WOKE UP IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN. I WAS ALONE WHEN HE TRIED TO FORCE HIMSELF ON ME ALL THOSE TIMES THROUGHOUT THE YEARS. WHEN HE SLAPPED ME AND WHEN HE ALMOST BROKE MY ARM. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ALONE. SO THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND HIM AND AS LONG AS I DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HIM..." She shakes her head and runs her hands through her hair. "I'm really tired. I can't sleep. He is always in my brain, taunting me... living my life and doing the most simple things I am reminded of things that I don't want to be thinking of. I am really trying to move forward..."

_He fucking did what?_

Karan moves towards her.

"NO. Please. Just stop. I don't want anyone to touch me." She takes a few steps back.

"Ana, baby..." I call out to her.

"Please, no." She shakes her head.

Aashu looks to her again. "You need to tell the family. This is all wrong Aanapa. We need to do something."

"And if it rips the family apart? If he comes after me for slander? I don't have the resources to fight him or the proof Aashu... and even if I were by some miracle able to prove what he did to me, it would be the kill switch for KGI."

_What the fuck?_

"What about recording him, getting him to admit on tape what he did."

Ana takes a deep breath and I can tell she's really getting frustrated. "Aashu, you're a law school student, you of all people should know that pretty much all states have an all-party consent rule to recording in person conversations. Even if I did, it would be inadmissible. I haven't talked him to on the phone in years, if I were to suddenly call him and talked specifically about this; he would see this coming from 10 miles away. You don't think he's thought of everything? YOU KNOW HIM." She takes a few moments. "Look, I just want to wait till the Will is read. Once we know what's been decided, I will quietly walk away. I will not be the reason why everything just dissolves into chaos after everything this family has done for me. Please just stop this. I told you because as much as I am dying to be part of your wedding like I did with Kiran's, I can't. Not with Vishaal _AND_ Akash being at the forefront of it. I can't handle them both."

We all are silent. Ana's voice is the only one that echoes throughout the house and it's painful watching her relive all this. She doesn't make any eye contact with us, she just stares at the coffee table and talks.

She turns away and heads back up the stairs. Tony walks to Aashu and tells Karan he'll take her out to get some last minute groceries for tonight's dinner.

I go up after Ana and find her sitting on the floor by the foot of the bed in the guest room.

I sit next to her but keep my distance.

"Christian, I'm fine. I just want to be alone for a while. Please."

"Baby, I don't want to see you like this."

"I know but this is just how it all is. I just need some time. Please try and understand."

"Okay, I'll be downstairs with Karan if you need me."

She nods and pets Spencer whose curled next to her.

I walk downstairs and find Karan pouring himself a drink. He sees me and takes out another glass.

"I guess we're going to need a lot of this today." He says with a sad smile.

"Yeah, I guess."

"I'm sorry for how Aashu reacted. She's... well, she loves Aana a lot and it's all coming from..."

I interrupt him. "I know, it's okay. I feel the exact same way as her. I'm angry that I can't do anything. She also won't tell me anything."

"Because you're her boyfriend. She knows if she told you all the details that you'd end up in jail for murder. It's her way of protecting all of us."

"But she doesn't have to."

"I know."

"What did she mean by the kill switch for KGI?"

"She hasn't told you?"

"Karan, there is a lot that I don't know and I'm trying to be patient but the fucker... seeing the terrifying effect he has on her... I can't bear it. She hasn't been sleeping well since she came back from SF and that was almost three weeks ago. There's something going on and it's fucking with her brain. You heard her just now."

He looks down and nods. "Follow me to my study, I'll tell you what I can."

* * *

**Authors Note**:Next chapter will have a lot of details about the Will speculation. Karan will reveal a lot of Ana and Vishaal's relationship.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ Chapter 58-59 Miami Trip

**Music:**

Sicko Mode – Travis Scott feat. Drake

My Imagination – Majid Jordan feat. dvsn

Hey Ma – Pitbull & J Balvin feat. Camilla Cabello

Havana – Camilla Cabello

When you move - Parachute


	59. Chapter 59

I'm high on the power of the cliffhangers *evil laugh*

As mentioned in the last chapter, this one will have a lot of details on the Will speculation. SO Y'ALL PAY ATTENTION. Also, Ana is not pregnant... not yet. Did I just give a spoiler? Oh I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. Muhaha.

**gowildcats;** GIRLFRIEND! forgive me. much love, hehe.

**Blueno:** That means so much that you read through and try to pick up on clues. There are easter eggs in most chapters fo sho. Everything will reveal itself in due time. I appreciate your support, you da best.

**guestfan:** I hope this covid crap ends soon and you can pinch your grandson's chubby cheeks and hear his laughter in person asap.

**imaginationgirl91;** I promise some more Rania and Aria interactions in the future chapters. In fact, there's a really cute Aria and Christian interaction coming soon :)

For some reason, fanfiction isn't showing all the reviews but I'm receiving email alerts of all reviews that you leave so i'm going based off of that.

Side note: In case you haven't noticed, I'm really putting Ana through shit in this story and i'm not done yet. You all will hate me but I have promised a HEA. Gonna stretch this story till the find the absolute cure for covid-19. We need the distraction even if it makes me go upto 2 million words. So if this ain't your cup of tea... don't drink it.

* * *

**Chapter 59 – **_**Make the most of your life, while it is rife, while it is light.**_

_Saturday, March 21__st__, 2020_

**CPOV**

"_What did she mean by the kill switch for KGI?"_

"_She hasn't told you?"_

"_Karan, there is a lot that I don't know and I'm trying to be patient but the fucker... seeing the terrifying effect he has on her... I can't bear it. She hasn't been sleeping well since she came back from SF and that was almost three weeks ago. There's something going on and it's fucking with her brain. You heard her just now."_

_He looks down and nods. "Follow me to my study, I'll tell you what I can." _

I take a seat on the couch and Karan places the bottle of whiskey on the table between us and takes a seat on the Eames chair across from me.

"Ask me whatever you want and I'll try best to answer as much as I can or am allowed to." He offers.

I nod. I have so many fucking questions. My mind is racing.

"What are you thoughts about the Will?"

"Ah, going in the for the kill." He smirks. "Well, it's all speculation at this point. The 3rd quarter wait really threw everyone in for a loop. I have three scenarios in mind. I'll share them with you in order of most likely to least likely."

"Shoot."

"Okay scenario one is complicated but I think most likely because it makes sure that everyone in the family is taken care of and that the wealth isn't concentrated to just one side of the family or person. I suspect the Will is executed according to Islamic Law... in which all Muslim blood relations have first dibs. Immediate family followed by extended family. Also, my understanding of Islamic law and the religion is elementary at best but I do know that your wealth is meant to be shared among all your family once you've passed on. You are allowed to only give 1/3rd of your wealth away to charity or a blood relations that are not Muslim or an adopted child or friends and so on and so forth... but you cannot exceed the 1/3rd percentage. The rest of the 2/3rd is to be distributed in varying percentages among your wife and children and the later on extended family. It's complicated but it ensures that everyone is taken care of."

"But Ana is Muslim, so she would get something out of the 1/3rd?"

"If Abdul Karim chose to leave her something then yes, she would get something out of the 1/3rd with Vishaal and Kiran since they're Hindu. I personally think AHAK will be restructured and everyone will have shares in the business according to the percentages laid out in the will... but... whatever Nita and Alia get, once they pass and I highly doubt their Wills would be drawn up in accordance to Islamic law, they will definitely be passing their assets directly in their entirety, on to their children. In which case, Aana could possibly inherit Nita's shares, making her the largest shareholder in AHAK, given that Alia's shares will be split between Vishaal and Kiran. Again, that is only, _IF_ Abdul Karim has left Aana something out of the initial 1/3rd. If he hasn't and Nita still leaves her shares to Aana... Vishaal and Kiran will end up having majority shares of AHAK. Again, there are a lot of ifs and different permutations of how things could turn out in this scenario."

"But either way, that's good right? She'll be taken care of."

"Aana wants nothing to do with the business side of AHAK, she doesn't want to be tied to VIshaal and Kiran in that way. That's why she's waiting because she wants to make sure nothing is left to her and whatever is given to Nita, she will ask that she not be left anything."

I run my hands through my hair. Fuck.

"What the second scenario?"

"Second scenario is that everything is left to Nita and Alia from the get go. After they pass, Nita leaves her share to Aana, again making Aana the majority shareholder in AHAK. Given that Alia's shares will be spilt between Vishaal and Kiran. However, if scenario 2 is what happens, Aana is in shit because... if Nita still decides to leave Aana everything, her being the majority shareholder, Kiran and Vishaal won't be able to buy her out and Aana will not sell to an outside party. She can choose to gift her shares to other relatives but that will cause a rift... oh also, Aana is not legally adopted by Nita so Vishaal and Kiran could try to hit her with a lawsuit but I doubt they'd win."

I groan. This is such a fucking mess.

"What your 3rd and least likely scenario?"

"Everything is left to Kiran and Vishaal in its entirety."

"Yeah I don't see that happening." I laugh.

"Same here but I know that he did love them and he did groom them to take over... so it's honestly the waiting game to see what happens."

"What about Nani?"

"What about her?"

"She gets nothing?"

"She doesn't need anything. I mean realistically, she's got what, another 20 years... she's got her personal assets, she's more than taken care of. Abdul Karim was a kind and fair man, I have no doubt that he will make sure every member of the family is taken care of but in the event he doesn't leave Aana anything... Nani will make sure she takes care of her through her personal assets."

_I have no doubt she will, the kicker is... will Ana be too stubborn to accept?_

"What the kill switch for KGI?"

"Now we're getting to the good stuff." Karan smirks and takes a sip of his drink.

"AHAK owns 40% of KGI, the kill switch is the morality clause and it isn't just a regular morality clause it's a kill switch because the contract between KGI and AHAK is that not only are all European and American KGI assets under AHAK's purview but that should the morality clause be breached in any way, AHAK gets to walk away with all the assets and KGI gets back those 40% shares only in name and not in value."

"Holy fuck." _Abdul Karim is a genius._

"Indeed." Karan laughs.

"Why the fuck did you dad and Rish Kapadia agree to this?"

"They were desperate. Uncle Rish is a bit of a loose canon. He made some bad investments and needed outside capital. Him and Alia were hell bent on getting married even though Rish was bit of a player and Abdul Karim, though initially against the union eventually relented but wanted to ensure his daughter's happiness and marriage by trapping him so that he would never fuck her over. My dad hated the deal but it was also the only way uncle Rish was going to stay in line and it was better that KGI stayed in the family than be sold to outside investors but that didn't last long. KGI did end up selling more shares to outside investors thanks to Uncle's Rish's blunders and until 10 years ago we only had 25% of a stake in the company. My father has been slowly buying back shares and we're now at 35%... but we still have a long way to go."

"So, if Ana were to tell everyone about what Vishaal did..."

"If proven it would trigger the morality clause and AHAK would retain all those assets. We would be murdered by our shareholders and forced to sell the remaining shares to recoup our losses."

"So you and Aashu get screwed over either way the Will goes."

"Yeah.. because no matter what, because of AHAK, Vishaal and Kiran will always have more shares in KGI than Aashu and myself and I honestly don't care. I've told Ana not to worry about us. I'd happily sell my shares, I'm already building my nest egg with Tony, I'm fine. Aashu, has no ambitions like that, she would rather just work with the family. Imran comes from money too, so they'll be more than comfortable... but in the end Ana really wants to be able to walk away quietly."

I cradle my face in my hands. "This is a clusterfuck, Karan."

"Exactly. So, another glass or you want the bottle?"

"The bottle." I say and we both laugh.

_Fuck._

"Why is there so much animosity between you and the other Kapadia siblings?"

"Well, look at us, we're fucking gorgeous." He laughs and shakes his head. "We also did way better in school than they did growing up... it actually started when we both applied to Eton. I got in and he didn't. We used to be really close actually but with distance came the eventual jealousy. Uncle Rish was street smart and my dad was booksmart. My dad had bit a stutter and liked to remain behind the scenes. Actually my dad and Abdul Karim are alike in many ways but... yeah, Vishaal growing up, he was a good kid. Really talkative, playful and we had a lot of fun but then after I left for Eton, he did okay in school, not the brightest kid and Uncle Rish had a temper. He wanted his son to be the best and the brightest and he was quite the disciplinarian and quite fond of the drink. I'm talking using his belt to prove a point." He looks down and takes a few moments.

"Slowly, Vishaal changed, he became this insufferable fuck and I couldn't stand him but he actually started doing really well in school. I guess the discipline really pushed him over the edge or something. I honestly couldn't tell you. At 16 he got into Harvard and did really well for himself. He was motivated... was in the top 5 to top 10 all throughout undergrad, law school and business school and he's done really well for both AHAK and KGI. Kiran's animosity towards us is all because of Vishaal's manipulation. He can do no wrong according to her. I don't know why he's jealous of us, we're not even in the same league, we have different priorities... it's honestly stupid."

"Where does his relationship with Ana fit in all this? I know he was a huge part of her recovery but she won't tell me details..."

"Well, it's because those memories are painful to revisit for her and also to tell you... well, what boyfriend wants to hear that stuff?"

"Yeah I guess, but I just want to understand her and be able to help her."

"Look, I can give you an idea but given what happened and after everything, it's hard to keep an open mind about it all because it is fucking painful to think about. They were seemingly good natured and innocent interactions that had ill intentions behind it. They are the kind of interactions you'll see Aashu and I have, or I'll have with Rania and Aana. We're affectionate people, we hug our sisters and kiss their foreheads, it's a cultural thing... but..." he pauses for a few seconds.

I swallow. "I still want to know."

"Aana will have my balls for this but... look, when he first met her, it was normal. They took her under her wing and it was a normal relationship like she has with all of us, except she was much closer to them and it made sense because Nita and Alia are so close and Nita practically raised them too. When the accident happened... she didn't wake up until the following spring when he was back home and he would visit her everyday, talking to her... then he was in his last year of business school but he would fly back every other weekend to spend time with her and he'd call her everyday to see how she was doing. Kiran had taken a year off to prepare for law school and work with the business. She also helped out a lot till she got into law school in New York and moved away. Once Vishaal was done with business school, he asked to only help out with West Coast deals and American deals in general. He didn't want to travel unless it was absolutely necessary. He became devoted to Aana. He'd take her to physical therapy appointments if he could, he'd talk to her and keep her company, have dinner with her every day. He moved back into the house for a while. They were best friends. He did what he would do for Kiran and what I would've done for Aasha... basically what you'd do for family, it's what you would do for Mia... at least... that's what it always looked like and nothing ever seemed suspect about it."

"Then why the fuck did he do what he did?" I get up and start to pace. _How can you claim to love someone like a sister and then..._

"Honestly, I couldn't tell you. I mean... it was so out of left field. The only explanation was Florence nightingale syndrome but like with an obsessive streak, obviously."

"He fell in love with her because he was taking care of her?" I stop and look at him.

"Yeah. She needed him. She's always wanted family. She wanted a sibling and that's what he was to her... but she never would see him for what he wanted her to see him as."

I take my seat again on the couch. "He wanted more."

"Yeah but again, it doesn't explain why he did what he did. I honestly think it was an impulsive decision."

"You weren't at her going away party?"

He shakes his head. "I wish I was... but I was in London for work at the time and Aashu was in New York getting ready for school."

"I want to kill him Karan."

"I'm right there with you." He says in a low voice. "Aana and I fought a lot the first year I found out. I pushed her to tell Nani or Nita but she wouldn't listen. She was too scared and she still is but at least she's opening up... I had to learn this the hard way that in the end, this is her choice. It is her journey and I have to support her in however she wants to do all this because that's what she needs. Support. Someone in her corner because if we fight her battles for her, she'll never find peace. She's right, none of us have been there when she's gone through the really fucked up shit. If this is how she wants to fight then this is her choice. She wants to be responsible for the decisions she makes. So much has already been taken from her and she had no control over it..."

"But what he's doing is still controlling her reactions and her life. He still has a hold on her."

"And it will take time Christian... she just started fighting back because she has something to fight for. She's fighting for herself more than anything now. You just came into her life so you may not see that but I've seen such a change in her since Rania's wedding. I have you to thank for that."

"She doesn't deserve any of this Karan. It fucking rips my heart into a million pieces to see her like this." I tell him about Ana's blackout when I asked her why she never visited Miami in college and how the fucker threatened her not to ever see Karan after Rania's wedding. How she still will have nightmares and cry out. I see his face tense and he looks to the floor and rubs his eyes of tears.

He takes a deep breath before speaking.

"He knows her. He knows how to rile her up and ever since you guys got together he's really pushing her. Yes it was bad before but she also rarely ever visited and when he did address her public she responded as normally as she could. That day at the brunch was the first time she really hit back, she's never done that before. I suppose it's now because she can see her life moving in a different direction. She doesn't feel alone like that anymore or maybe she's finally regaining the confidence she used to have before the accident happened. I don't know what it is but she's getting stronger and I suspect it has a lot to do with you both being together... as beautiful as that is, it will still take her time."

I nod.

"Do you think he's building a portfolio outside of AHAK?"

"He'd be stupid not to. I mean you've always got to have a plan A through Z."

"Have you ever looked into him?"

"Nah, I don't give two shits about him or what he's doing. It's a waste of my time. My only concern with him is in regards to Aana. That's it."

I nod. "So he wants to marry Ana because he thinks she'll get a share in AHAK."

He finishes the last of his drink. "Yes but that's not the only reason. I really think that he believes that he loves her. It's dangerously obsessive but the possible share in the inheritance is a bonus. Which is why you should marry her." He chuckles.

"She's making me wait till after the Will is read."

He takes a deep breath. "Yeah, she told me. She's doing that to protect you. She's scared."

"Why?"

"She doesn't want him to hurt you."

"He can't fucking hurt me."

"She seems to believe he can. Look, she loves you and this is how her brain works. She's trying to protect everyone she loves, all while protecting herself."

_Fuck, why won't she tell me this shit. I want to help her... why won't she let me?_

Karan starts to speak and brings me out of my reverie. "When I first met Aana... she was such a cute kid. I had flown in for Ray and Nita's wedding celebration and she was the cutest thing you ever saw. Her eyes went wide when she heard I had a British accent too. She asked me all the questions she could. I couldn't even ask her anything about her... she just wanted to know about my life and how England was and honestly the most mundane shit but she made me want to tell her all those things." He smiles fondly at the memory. "She never cried, she was always happy and smiling. She was like another Aashu for me, except maybe a little more annoying given that snap of hers." He laughs. "Still, in the end, you just wanted to be around her..."

I smile and nod. "For some reason, when I met her at the wedding I ended up telling her stories about my childhood that I'd never shared with anyone outside of the family... I'd never opened up to anyone like that. She does have that quality, she makes you want to tell her things and she knows how to make you feel at home."

"Yeah, she does."

"She told me about this one time you guys went to visit her in Montesano and she took you to the gun range." I laugh.

"Mate... the words fucking psycho don't even measure up. The look in her eyes, I swear to god I almost shit my pants. She just went bang bang bang and looked back with this most smug face." He laughs out loud. "She's always been such a great kid. Ray did such a great job with her and then she just became Nita and Nani's little wonder."

"Where were you during the accident?"

"I was in London for the holidays, visiting friends and the like. I was told after the New Year, I immediately flew back and drove to Olympia from Sea-Tac. It was carnage Christian. This girl who could command a room with her energy and had us all wrapped around her finger... seeing her like that was gut wrenching mate." He shakes her head and rubs his face. "I didn't get to see her much during recovery because I took over for Vishaal at AHAK in addition to the work I was doing for KGI. I'm still retained by AHAK on a consultant basis for some of their deals... and whenever I did see her it was hard to not be affected but what she was going through. Even after she started to speak, she'd be so quiet. Only Vishaal and Kiran could get her to talk aside from Nita or Nani... She'd only confide in them or look to them. Before she went off to college, that summer, it was Eid, the religious holiday after Ramadan and we all had gathered at the AHAK family house. Anytime all of us got together, we'd sing because Nana liked the idea of music in his house and watching all the kids playing games and being normal. That afternoon after lunch, Vishaal coaxed Aana into singing a little. She was so shy but it'd been forever since we'd heard her voice in a group setting. She barely spoke, she's was always hiding upstairs in her room, her energy wasn't like what you see now... she's made tremendous strides since then but yeah it was an emotional moment for all of us to hear her sing. She used to sound like a tone deaf duck before." He chuckles "...but then after the accident... there was so much pain in her voice and she sounded so different. She was a completely different person after all that and even more so after... well..." His mouth sets into a hard line and I can tell it's a lot for him.

He pulls out his phone. "I actually have a video of it... fair warning, she's sitting with Vishaal and you'll see how familiar she was with him."

I swallow. "It's fine... I actually like being able to see pictures or videos of her from before everything happened. There's so much I don't know about her."

Karan smiles and gives me his phone. The video plays. It shows Ana and Vishaal sitting on the floor in the formal dining room with all the other cousins. Ana looks beautiful. Her hair is long and braided, hanging off to the side. She's wearing all white and she looks angelic. Not a stitch of makeup but she wearing bangles and shyly smiling.

Karan plays the acoustic guitar and they all urge her to sing a little after Vishaal tells them she has a beautiful voice. Ana shyly tells everyone she'll sing a couple of lines. Her voice is low and her smile seems sad, it's missing the confidence that she now speaks with. Karan starts to play, fingerpicking the melody and gives Ana the silent go ahead to start singing. She sings in Urdu, it's only a few lines. She stares at the floor and it sounds incredibly sad. She sings only a few bars and then ends with a smile. Vishaal puts his arm around her and kisses her temple and she beams at him and giggles, followed by Karan and everyone else claps.

"What was she singing about?" I feel the strain in my voice.

"It's a song Nita used to sing to her at night sometimes. It roughly translates to "my heart longs for the time when I could sit and picture the face of my beloved all day and all night long.'"

"It's beautiful."

"Yeah." He gives me a small smile.

"I want to help her Karan. I'm really trying."

"I know. Just be there for her. I know it's difficult for you too but we can't even begin to fathom what she's going through. She's got three years of really cherished memories with a person who she trusted and confided in during an extremely vulnerable time in her life when she was rebuilding herself... I can't even imagine the level of strength it takes to block all of that out of your mind and go on. I know she's trying to move on and create new life for herself but he really did a number on her. The manipulation runs deep. I know her spending time with us isn't easy because when we look back, in almost all memories, him and Kiran are center stage... and we're not just talking about those three years, we're talking about the years before that. Since she was 10 years old."

"You think he's had her eyes on her since she was 10? Because that is..."

He interrupts me. "No, I don't. At least I hope not. I really think this is a by-product of taking care of Aana in recovery."

"Why doesn't he just move on? Didn't he fucking date in college?"

"He did but he never brought anyone home. He just fucked around and it's always been casual with him."

...

**APOV**

I had hoped that Aashu's reaction wouldn't have been so severe but then again she is Karan's sister. The minute I told her, tears started to fall and the very quickly her fists clenched in anger. This is what I was afraid of. If I had told Rania the whole truth she would've murdered Vishaal by now. She has an even worse temper than Karan and Aashu combined which is why I chose to test the waters by telling her a very watered down version of the change in my relationship with him.

I walk out to the pool and lie on the grass by the dock, looking up and put in my airpods to listen to music. Spencer followed me and I feel him rest his head on my belly. He's such a baby, all he wants it to be pet... that's all I am to him. A petting machine. My mind drifts to the days after my deposition during the Rothstein debacle. The fear and nerves from that whole ordeal set me back a little. I needed the wheelchair again. I'd be walking and suddenly feel weak to continue so I spent my days at the apartment just looking out the window. I had wanted to check out the James Turrell installation called 'Meeting' at MoMA PS1 in Queens but I didn't want to go alone. I asked Kiran but she cancelled on me twice and for some reason it really fucking hurt. I was lonely and sensitive. I quickly realized I was relying on her and Vishaal too much. I needed to get out. I needed to make friends who were mine and not connected to the family. I need another identity. I was losing myself. I was too focused on trying to walk and speak again that I lost myself. I didn't know who I was anymore beyond my accident and loss.

My fight with Vishaal just a few weeks earlier wasn't helping. It was the first time we had ever fought in the entirety that I had known him. He yelled at me and raised his voice. It scared me but I apologized while trying to explain my reasoning for my decision but he still didn't listen. He left. He flew out to Europe to help with some of the AHAK-KGI deals that were in the works. I'd email him and text him every day but I would get no response. He wouldn't return my calls. Each email was an apology and I'd continue to tell him about my day or something new I had read about, trying to continue our daily tradition that was such an integral part of my life now. When I couldn't take it anymore, I asked to intern with Kiran at the New York office. I needed to get out of the house and out of SF. _A change of scenery_.

It turned out Kiran felt really guilty about cancelling on me though she never really said it. She called me up one day and told me that she had arranged for me to have an appointment to experience the installation on a Tuesday evening, even though the museum was closed on that day. _Billions really do talk._

I thanked her and on the day of, it was a crisp April afternoon in Spring. Benny was going to drive me out to the museum and I got there an hour and half before sunset. The Director of Exhibitions himself was there to meet me. I felt that was unnecessary but I thanked him profusely for letting me view the installation on an off day. He was kind and led me up to the third floor and opened the room and I took a seat and relaxed myself. I asked Benny to join me too but he smiled and said he'd wait for me outside.

I took out my phone and plugged in my headphones to listen to music and leaned back to look up through the opening in the ceiling to view the sky. The cool air seeped in but it didn't bother me. I knew exactly what song I was going to play on repeat. Sufjan Steven's album Carrie and Lowell had come out and it was an homage to his late and estranged mother and how much he missed her. I resonated with it because it was during these days of loneliness I was missing Dad a lot. I needed his strength when I walked into the Southern District offices to give my account of what I had seen and heard. I was going against a man that had too much money. He could find me and ruin me but I wanted to protect my family too. They had done nothing wrong. The colors of the sky slowly started to change along with the soft ambience of the LED lights in the room creating a warmth that I longed for but could not find. It was a beautiful sensory experience coupled with the song I was listening to.

_Did you get enough love, my little dove  
Why do you cry?  
And I'm sorry I left, but it was for the best  
Though it never felt right  
My little Versailles_

The sky went from blue to a deep orange, to purple and then... black. Like a fire that burns bright but slowly crawls back into an ember then... nothing. That's how I felt now. I was losing the embers of myself.

Sometimes Dad and I would sit on the garden chairs in the backyard and watch the sky change color. He'd sit there with his beer and I'd be there with my snap of a mouth and we'd talk about life, well... I talked and he'd listen and laugh at my utter ridiculousness.

_FLASHBACK_

"_Private." Dad calls out._

"_Sargent." I respond._

"_I think I really like Miss Nita."_

"_Sargent, when did you become so mushy?"_

"_Are you giving me lip, Private?" He asks, thoroughly amused._

"_It's my job Sargent." I giggle._

"_We're going on another date this weekend."_

"_Good. You better sweep her off her feet again. I don't want her to fail me in school cause you dropped the ball on this mission." I sass._

"_Yes ma'am." He chuckles. "Are you sure you're okay with me seeing her, because the minute you are uncomfortable, I'll stop." He assures me. He knows how much I hated how Carla hopped from man to man. After husband #2 she was dating some rando from Texas. I could never keep track._

"_I really like her Dad and you don't have to worry about me. She wouldn't be a teacher if she wasn't a good person, right?"_

_He smiles at me. "You're right. She is a good person, Luna."_

"_Do you think you love her?"_

_I can tell he's a little taken aback by my question because he takes a minute to respond. Raymond Steele is rarely ever speechless unless he's dealing with me of course. "I'm still getting to know her Luna but I can tell she's really special and I would like her to be in my life, if it's okay with you."_

"_I'm okay with that. After all I did introduce you two." I shrug. I honestly wouldn't mind. I have this feeling she would be a good mom. I don't know why, but I do. "Did you love mom?"_

_He swallows and looks back up at the sky. "I did and I tried to keep loving her but... look Annie, I don't want you to hate your mom. She had her own issues, so did I and I guess we weren't meant to be. It happens sometimes, as you grow in life, things get..."_

"_Complicated. Yeah, I know." Complicated had become my word of choice as of late. There was a lot I didn't know about the world and human beings were at the center of it. Complicated. Things were always complicated. I could read all the encyclopedias, watch all the documentaries and listen to all the songs but I'd never be able to figure out human beings._

"_I don't want you to hate your mom, Annie." _

"_I don't hate her but I don't love her either dad. It's okay... I was just wondering if it's possible to fall in love again." It's the truth. I don't feel much for her but I do long for her sometimes and while I'm still a kid, I wonder if love exists for everyone and that it's kind._

"_Love comes in many forms and it's never the same. I had been in love with a woman before your mom, as we grow and change our definition of love changes too."_

"_I hope I don't grow up to be complicated like Carla."_

"_Stick with me, Private and you won't." He winks and I laugh._

"_Sir, yes sir!" I salute._

_FLASHBACK ENDS_

_Shall we look at the moon, my little loon  
Why do you cry?  
Make the most of your life, while it is rife  
While it is light_

_We're all gonna die._

As the song plays on and the notes of the piano echo in my ear, I feel the warmth of my tears trickle down my cheeks. I open my eyes and they're glassy. I look at the sky and it's orange fading into a pink and purple, and through my blurry eyes it looks like an impressionist painting. Soon the sky fades to a dark blue, while the city lights illuminate it from below and I feel the breeze come in with the leaves of the palm tree sway into my frame of view. I long to hear the quiet and rustling leaves of our trees back in Montesano as they lulled me to sleep while I played connect the dots with the stars, then Dad would pick me up and tuck me into bed.

_Goodnight, Luna._

I wipe my eyes and will myself not to break down into uncontrollable sobs. I manage to calm my breathing but the tears continue to fall as I absentmindedly pet Spencer's head.

**CPOV**

Karan and I walk out of his study and we head to the kitchen to find Aashu and Tony prepping dinner. Aashu apologized again, I never doubted her sincerity the first time but I told her I understood where she was coming from because I felt the exact same way. She gave me a small smile and thanked me saying I was now definitely part of the family given the drama. We all laughed a little. I asked where Ana was and they told me she was out by the pool.

I walk out and find her lying in the grass petting Spencer. The sun has already set and as I get closer I see her wipe her face and look up at the sky. I can see her try to control her breathing as she does and I wonder if she's experiencing another bad memory.

I walk a little closer and sit down on the grass next to her. She turns her head to me and looks at me before sitting up and putting her phone and air pods away.

"Bad memory?"

She swallows and speaks with a small voice. "A sad one."

"You can tell me anything Ana. It won't change how I feel about you."

She simply nods and looks out to the water.

"I fucked up Christian." She starts and takes a steadying breath to stop the new wave of tears from falling but she fails.

I move in closer and hold her hand. "Tell me baby."

"Not here. It's too much to talk about here. I don't want to ruin the day more than I already have... let's just have dinner and then go back to the hotel."

"Sure baby, we'll do that." I kiss her cheek and we get up and head back inside.

...

Ana's started to feel better as we dig in to dinner. Tony's made all his great grandmother's specialities and the food is incredible. Ana's started smiling and laughing a little when suddenly her phone rings.

"Sorry, it's Rania, I'll be right back."

"It's okay Bachay, take it here." Karan tells her.

She accepts the call and Aria appears on facetime.

"Who is this?" Ana laughs.

"Aana Khalaaaa ishhh gremlinnnn." Aria giggles.

"Is it now? I miss you baby... guess who I'm with... I'm with Karamoo, Aashu Khala, Christian and my friend Tony..." She shows the phone around and we all wave as Aria squeals.

She talks to her for a bit till Rania comes and takes the phone from her.

"You bitches!" Rania says under her breath and Ana laughs out loud and quickly runs over to Karan's seat to hold the phone in front of him so they both can talk to her.

"Jealous, that I'm spending time with my favorite cousin in the universe?" Ana sasses.

"Fuck you guys. I wanted to be there too, I really need a vacation." She whines.

"You were invited." Karan says matter of factly.

"Blame it on my husband, I swear to god I'm about ready to divorce his ass." Rania groans.

"Raniapa don't say that." Ana chides.

"Oh, I will say that... he's out there saving lives when he should be saving our sex life." We all laugh at the table and she cackles.

"Why is it that married people feel the need to constantly talk about their sex life?" Karan groans.

"Why is it that single people are such miserable fucks?" Rania sneered and Karan flipped the bird at her making us all laugh again.

"What happened Raniapa, Ruby unable to get landing rights?" Ana wiggles eyebrows.

"Fuck you, Sapphire... and yes, Ruby is grounded for the time being." Rania whines and laughs again.

They talk a little more and Rania tells Karan to call her when he has a moment so they can talk business.

"Okay, I'll leave you guys to have fun and get fat on pasta while I sulk in the corner with my bottle of wine like a jealous bitch. Love you guys. BYE MR. ONE HUNNID. AASHU, I'LL SEE YOU TUESDAYs AND BYE TONYYYY." She yells from the phone and hangs up.

Ana takes her seat back next to me and I can tell she's back to herself now. She draws her energy from the people she loves. They can really put her back in a good mood.

"Karan Bhai, do you think you'll ever tell Rania?"

"I've been thinking about it. Tony and I are thinking about moving forward and settling down now that we're doing well with the business and we've been talking about starting a family so... some important conversations will need to happen with both of our families in the next few months." He says while holding Tony's hand.

"I guess I'm not the only one who's going to be bringing fireworks to the family this year." Ana laughs.

"Mission: Shock the family to Smithereens is in Full Effect." He winks at her.

"Just carry your mission out after my wedding if possible?" Aashu laughs.

"Don't worry babe, we're not going to let anything affect your... I was going to say big day but let's be real you're having a wedding week." Ana snickers.

I kiss her cheek and she looks back at me with a sweet smile.

...

It was still relatively early when we got back to the hotel room. Ana opted to take a quick shower alone. She was still a little withdrawn. By the time I got done with my own, she was on the balcony, curled on a chaise lounge just staring out on to the water.

"Ana baby... it's cold out here."

She slowly nods and gets up and comes back inside, taking her seat on the couch, resting her neck on the headrest and looking up to the ceiling instead.

I take my seat next to her and pick her hands and kiss them. "Tell me what's on your mind baby... you can tell me anything."

_Please tell me._

She looks to me for a few moments. Tears form in her eyes. "It's not good."

* * *

**Authors Note**:So this was a look into Ana and Vishaal's relationship through Karan's eyes. Let's see what Ana has to reveal in the next chapter. I know you all hate me with the cliffies. HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE SURE Y'ALL ARE PAYING ATTENTION? Hehehe. Love you all. Stay well!

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ Chapter 58-59 Miami Trip

**Music:**

_Jee Dhoondta Hai_ – Ali Zafar – song Ana sings in the video that Karan shows Christian.

_Fourth of July_ – Sufjan Stevens – song that Ana plays while lying on the grass.


	60. Chapter 60

Y'all, I think we broke fanficiton dot net. Your reviews aren't showing but I'm getting the email alerts and have enjoyed all your reactions and in depth theories.

**LLGuest: **Your review was spot on. I hope this chapter can explain some of your questions. Sometimes in the south asian culture, mothers don't interfere with the father's method of parenting, it's wrong on so many levels. Again, thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts.

**Blueno: **YOU are so GOOD to me.I am honored. I literally found fanfiction in Dec 2019. You're like the OG!

**bandrocks:** big ass hug from the east coast. i'm sure your dad was partying it up in heaven!

**gowildcats:** I laughed so hard. CTG in diapers. LOL.

**Lady Valarie65:** Thank you for the love! how have you been?

Everyone else, I heart ya. I wish I could respond to each and everyone of you if only the reviews would show i'd PM you. This chapter is basically one long ass conversation. Ana tells her side of the story.

* * *

**Chapter 60 – **_**I thought you'd complete me; that you'd erase all the pain that I felt in my brain. If you fill my heart with love, t**__**hen you'd fill my voids above.**_

_Saturday, March 21__st__, 2020_

**CPOV**

_I take my seat next to her and pick her hands and kiss them. "Tell me what's on your mind baby... you can tell me anything."_

_Please tell me._

_She looks to me for a few moments. Tears form in her eyes. "It's not good."_

"Whatever it is, I'm here for you." I kiss her hands again.

"Even before the trip to SF, I've been talking to Flynn about... this thing with Vishaal to try and just figure everything out once and for all. When I left for Portland, I blocked everything out. I wanted to completely erase what had happened to me from my mind in a way and build a new life and new identity for myself."

She pulls her hand out mine and tucks them under the sleeve of her robe and brings her knees to her chest. Almost like she's protecting herself. I move in a little closer but make it a point to not touch her. Her eyes remain fixed on the ceiling.

"I kept my mind endlessly occupied, with either studying or small jobs on top of my campus and hardware store job, plus taking free workshops and seminars, basically to be constantly on the go. I'd have one day on the weekends where Kate and I would have breakfast and like a girls night during the week but otherwise, I was always out of the house working myself till I was in pain because that meant I could sleep" her voice breaks. "...because if I was tired enough, I'd sleep throughout the night and then wake up and do it all again. I just had to fill my brain with all the new information and create all these very different memories from my life in SF."

"You know, I visited WSU so many times over the years... I wish I could've met you then."

_All these years of missed connections._

She looks at me with a sad smile and tears in her eyes. "You wouldn't have noticed me Mr. Grey... I was invisible." her voice wavers and it's heartbreaking.

_No, I was an arrogant and miserable asshole._

"These past few weeks have made me take a long hard look at my relationship with him to find that moment where he stopped seeing me as his sister and just someone he could fuck with and eventually trap. I'd been avoiding this because I was so mad and in that anger I didn't realize that I had been carrying this huge and blind weight with me. I thought I was moving forward but now I realize it's only been at a snails pace."

She takes a deep breath.

"Before the accident I had just got done applying to the East Coast. Harvard, Columbia, Brown and NYU. Dad preferred that I go to New York and I secretly wanted that too in the end. Nani wanted to pay for my college since AHAK invested in all the kids education but Ray wasn't going to ever accept that so she insisted that I live in one of the AHAK buildings where the family apartment was to lower the cost of tuition and living expenses in general and that above all, it would be safe me. Ray relented on that... he wanted me safe and it was better that I stay with family while I was there since Kiran would eventually go to law school in New York too."

"Did you ever find out if you got accepted?"

"By the time the decision letters came... I was in a coma and then after that, the thought never occurred to me. When I woke up, I didn't know if I'd be able to move again let alone go to college and by the time I started to think about college again, I didn't want to know whether I had gotten into those places. It would've been just... painful. Plus, I couldn't afford them, with my health, I didn't want to take a chance on taking out so many loans and then to not be able to pay them back. I didn't want to put myself in that position. Nita had used up dad's savings and my college fund for medical expenses in the initial days. When the life insurance came in, she paid off the house. After that Nani and Alia Khala stepped in to pay for... everything. I started checking out colleges seriously when I was 16 and Ray asked me to consider WSU or University of Washington. We drove to both I liked them but didn't love them and I could tell that he would've liked that I stay closer to home but he also knew that I had all these dreams."

She pauses for a few moments.

"It happened the spring of 2015 when I got back my college acceptance letters. I had gotten my GED online a few months before applying since I still had a semester left when the accident happened. I had already made up my mind to go to WSU by that point. It just felt like the right choice, or maybe I was just being emotional because I had memories of Dad in those places. I wanted to be close to him you know. After the accident, all my decisions were based on emotion instead of rational thought."

Tears start to fall from her eyes and she wipes them away.

"But Vishaal forced me to apply to Stanford, UC Berkeley and SF State and I got into each and every single one of them. I didn't care for Berkeley and Stanford. They were completely out of the question even though Vishaal said he'd take care of it. It was just too much so I said no, I'm going to WSU and he lost his shit. After dinner, we had gone out on our ice-cream run and we were talking about the fact that I got into every single school I applied to. It was a happy moment and he started making all these plans for me and telling me where I could live... and I said I want to go to WSU... " She closes her eyes and starts to violently shake her head before continuing again.

"He yelled at me that I was leaving him and how disappointed he was in me. He parked on the side of the road and just went off. It was fucking scary. No one had ever yelled at me in my life. Ray never raised his voice at me. He was like _'you're leaving me. How the fuck am I supposed to care for you and protect you if you're so faraway from me?_' I was terrified in that moment and I started crying and I tried to explain to him that I needed to get out of here because I felt like I was losing myself and I needed to grow but he wouldn't listen to me. When we got home he just slammed that car door and went to his room and then the next morning when I woke up he had left. I tried calling and texting him but he wouldn't pick up and then I found out he flew out to London to help out with the newest AHAK-KGI deals.

He didn't talk to me for weeks and it sucked because we spent so much time together. I'd confide in him and we'd go out on late night ice-cream runs, stuff that you do with your big brother you know but I guess that all that changed when I lost the weight and began to look more like a prospect during my recovery. I emailed him everyday for weeks. Apologizing. Asking him to call me back or reply, I continued to tell him about my day, anything new that I watched or read or song I heard. He was my best friend for the last two and half years you know and suddenly I was all alone again. I got really depressed and I felt like I was regressing. After like a month of no contact I asked to go to New York to help Kiran at AHAK. I needed to get the fuck out of there. That's when the whole Rothstein thing happened. I'd tried calling him because I was so scared about my deposition... still no word. Then I just stopped. It reinforced my resolve that I needed to get out of there. I needed friends outside of the family. I was losing myself and I relied on Kiran and Vishaal too much. My social life revolved around the family and my doctors only. I didn't know who I was anymore. He came back to SF in the start of summer and our relationship remained tense. We'd have our good days and bad days... and I eventually got used to it. I was just counting down the days till I was going to leave... then a few weeks before my going away party, he became really sweet and understanding. We'd started to talk more and do the same stuff that we did before the fight. Ice-cream runs, playing video games, singing lessons, walking in the backyard after dinner... I felt like he'd forgiven me and I got my brother and best friend back...then..." she takes a deep steadying breath.

I feel the energy of a million conflicting emotions run through me and I have to remind myself that this isn't about me. It's about her. I need to be here for her. I need her to keep talking and get this out of her system.

"Where was he in the days that followed what happened?"

She raises her head and fixes her gaze on the wall in front of her. "He'd come for Sunday brunch that weekend. I didn't look at anyone because I was so ashamed of what had happened to me and I was in pain. I just remained quiet, which was my new normal anyway. I went back to my room and hid under the covers and he came up and asked me how I was feeling and I said not great and made a joke about being a party animal to deflect... he kissed my forehead and left saying that he was flying out to India for a few weeks and wished me luck."

"That son of a bitch." I mutter under my breath. I try to keep my breathing calm.

"Yeah... after that, when I went to Portland and met Kate and all that, I became very weary of men in general. Like, if anyone bumped into me... it was just bad, like I had regressed further into this shell. Then I came home for thanksgiving that year and the way Vishaal hugged me, it felt aggressive and the lingering touches started to feel so wrong. I could the feel the fear creep in and break my bones, if that makes sense but I thought I was overreacting... at one point I felt guilty for feeling that way because he was my brother..."

She leans back on the couch as her head hangs back and tears fall from her eyes and she shakes her head.

"I couldn't bear the thought of sleeping in my old room given what happened before I left so I asked Nita if I could sleep in her room and ever since then I never sleep in my old room. I had already started to distance myself from him when I left. I would barely answer his calls or reply to his texts. Except for Nani and Nita, I barely stayed in contact with anyone. We have a family group chat on whatsapp where we send pictures and updates about our lives. I barely participated. I'd sometimes answer Kiran's calls but I always blamed the lack of contact it on having a really crazy schedule."

She rubs her face and takes a calm and steadying breath before starting again.

"Before I went home for Thanksgiving, I met Kate's dad for the first time. He was in town visiting and he treated us dinner at The Heathman Hotel where he was staying. We all hit it off and he treated Kate and I to a spa weekend to celebrate the end of our midterms."

She looks at me and smiles. "Christian, it was such an amazing weekend; Kate was my first best friend outside of the family. With Kiran it was more of the fact that I thought she was cool, I mean we have a 6 year difference so I was always in her shadow. With Kate, I found a kindred spirit, we had so much fun and I really loved that hotel. It was so beautiful, the dark earthy tones and the little details, like something out of a lit classic; I got Gatsby from vibes it. I don't know why. The only other luxury hotels I had been in were here in SF for family weddings and they were so over the top... anyway, I was telling this story over Thanksgiving because I was just so excited to experience normal girl stuff you know. I had been bed ridden for almost 2 years and I finally was having the experiences that a girl my age should have.

Once Kiran and Vishaal visited that following Spring, Kiran asked Kate and I to join them for dinner. I was uneasy about it but I knew I had Kate with me and I couldn't exactly say no given how indebted I am to them... we were having a dinner and were on dessert. Kate went to the ladies room and a few minutes after, Kiran excused herself to make a quick call. I was alone at the table with Vishaal, sitting across from him. It was the first time I had been alone with him since I had left for college..."

My scalp prickles. Fuck... she takes a deep and shuddering breath covering her eyes...

"He started off with how fun my going away party was. I told him I barely remembered anything and that alcohol and I don't mix well. I made a joke about it and he looked at me puzzled for a moment and said, '_you really don't remember don't you?_ I shook my head and I swear I saw a small smile form. He said_, I bought this hotel for you_ and my jaw dropped. He said, he would come up every weekend to see me and we'd always have a room here, I could stay here for as long as I liked and I didn't have to have a roommate. That we could get to know each other and be more than this sham of a brother-sister relationship. His tone was so menacing. The realization of it all dawned on me and I felt my body go numb. I remember everything slowing down and being fully aware of what was going on around me and unable to react but then... after that the next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital, all bruised and scraped. I woke up alone again and at first I thought, I may have never recovered from the accident. Then I thought I had been raped again but then quickly realized because I didn't have any internal pain like that. Kate and Nita came into the room a few minutes later with some coffee and told me that I walked into oncoming traffic after we left the hotel. Kate had called Nita and she got there as fast as she could."

She breaks down in to sobs and I try to hold her but she shakes her head and asks me not to.

"Since then, every trip I'd see him, it would get more and more intense. He'd text and call and I would never respond. Right after Rania's wedding that summer, a popular magazine had posted a picture of Karan and I where I was kissing his cheek, saying that we were a couple and Vishaal lost his shit and tried to force himself on me to remind me who I belonged to. Every physical interaction of that kind with him is just him trying to remind me..." She stops and closes her eyes.

"Tony told me about that... you risked so much for them."

"I didn't know it was going to blow up like that. I just wanted to throw that reporter off. Whether or not it was true, no one deserves their private life to be questioned like that on a public scale. I knew the ramifications it would have for KGI as a whole. People are still really conservative on that side of the world... I wasn't going to let some second rate gossip columnist put them on blast like that... but then that night they told me everything and I told him about Vishaal... I felt like I could breathe again and I had someone on my side but..."

She closes her and starts to sob uncontrollably.

"Baby, please let me hold you."

"I can't." she says in between sobs.

"Why, baby?"

"Because in recovery, whenever I cried which was all the fucking time. He would comfort me and hold me and I hate being reminded of it. I know it's not the same... you're intentions are true and kind but I have all these memories in my head that creep up and these past few weeks have been really hard. John said something that made a little sense to me, he said that I'm finally mourning the relationship I had with him. I have to go through all these stages of grief all at once... except now I have so much anger at myself for being so fucking stupid.

I looked up to him like a big brother; we spent so much time together in my recovery and before whenever I'd visit as a kid. He'd dote on me and we had a friendship, we were always in contact. He would always be there for me if I had a bad day in school. I could rely on him too. After Ray, I looked to him you know, thinking he'd always be in my corner. During my recovery he'd always sit with me and tell me I was going to beat this and come back stronger and that he'd always have my back. He always made it a point to spend time with me every day. We'd always talk or he'd talk and I'd listen and smile when I still was trying to find my voice.

It fucking hurts that I trusted him and he violated me like that. I have all these wonderful memories with him and they're all tainted. All these years I've been avoiding him and trying to not think about him and now, it's consumed my mind these past few days. I feel stupid. I feel so fucking stupid."

"None of this is your fault, Ana." _I have nothing that I can say to comfort her or take her pain away._

"He's has been trying to break me all these years and now even more." She looks back at me "He wants me broken like before."

"You were never broken Ana. He's just a sick fuck who took advantage of you in a vulnerable time. What he felt for you was not love but obsession. You have never deserved that." I say trying to mask the strain in my voice. _You deserve a world of happiness_.

"He's in my head. I've tried so hard to create new memories and traditions with everyone and still... in the most seemingly innocent moments I'll be reminded of something and it fucks with my brain."

Fuck, I knew it. _FUCK._ I need to help her move past this. I want to help her erase every second of her time with him.

"If there is anything that I say or do that reminds you of him, tell me and I'll stop. I won't do it ever again. I promise you."

"It's nothing that you say... you both have a very different vocabulary and plus a lot of my conversations with him were in hindi, so it's not that. A lot of what you and I have is new, completely new for me. But when you carry me, that can be hard sometimes because he would sometimes carry me down the stairs at home when I had to go to my doctor's appointments and sit outside in the backyard before I could walk again... Karan and Benny have done that too on occasion but it was mostly him... and I'm trying Christian, I'm trying to push those memories away. I promise I am." She pleads with me and I hold her face.

"I know baby, I understand and I want to help you but you have to let me." I lean and give her a small kiss.

"I kinda like it when you carry me like a caveman. That's completely ours." She giggles and wipes her tears away.

"Well Miss Steele, just say the word and I'll return to my caveman ways." I smirk and lean in for another kiss. 'You know, I really liked the Heathman too; I've always stayed there when I'm in Portland but not anymore. Not giving that fucker my money."

She looks down silently nods. "A lot of what I go through is because of the nuances... and most of the time I can shut it down but when I'm really vulnerable then it's really hard."

"Whenever you feel that way, just tell me. Did it happen when we went to Canlis?" _I know it did._

She nods. "The week before my going away party he took me out to dinner and told me to dress up because we were going to celebrate my going away to college. Except now when I look back, it was essentially a date. I didn't exactly put any effort. For me dressing up was basically wearing a summer dress and earrings. I never did makeup unless it was a wedding... still, I was too stupid to realize what was happening. I had never been out with him like that before, only with Kiran or Rania... it was always in a group setting but that night ended up in a fight as well."

"Why, what did you guys talk about?" _I really am a glutton for punishment._

"My plans for the future. I gave him the whole New York publishing house spiel. He told me to make sure I gave him anyone I associated with to run background checks on them and I fought that. I was like I know how to keep my mouth shut. Then he wanted to get me a car and I refused that. He wanted to open a bank account for me and give me spending money for books, clothes... I basically refused any largesse he wanted to throw my way so we fought again in the car. Except, now I realize that he was doing that to try and control me but I kept fighting him. He took my every refusal as an act of defiance."

"Did you tell Nani?"

"No. I mean; it felt like a non-issue to me at the time. I had a similar conversation with Nani a few months prior. She wanted to buy me an apartment and I said no. I wanted a proper college experience on my own merits. She insisted I take her black amex and then opened a joint bank account in my name. I was pissed at her but I just stayed quiet and I never used any money from it. Even last week more money was transferred into it. But I'm not touching it ever."

"Ana, she wants you to be taken care of."

"I know but they've already spent enough money on me. I have only wanted their love. Nothing else."

I nod. "Is that what you feel I'm trying to do when I try to buy you things or give you money, is that why? Because it reminds you of what he tried to do."

She swallows. "In a way, yes. I know you're not doing it to control me but... " She takes a deep breath. "Look, rationally I know where you're coming from but emotionally sometimes the nuance of it call can be a little triggering for me. I'm trying to work on it."

I look down and focus my eyes on the pattern of the upholstery of the couch we're sitting on. My curiosity is at an all time high and I have a feeling I'm going to regret asking her the next few questions but I also can't help myself.

"Did he ever give you gifts? Jewelry or clothes..."

Her face tenses and it tells me everything I feared. "No to the clothes. Jewelry wasn't anything elaborate. He got me diamond earrings on my 18th birthday and then little things here and there... when I realized what he had done, I pawned that shit and got $1000 for it and gave it to charity. I threw out everything he gave me. Souvenirs from any trips... anything he had given me, I threw it out. Twice he's sent me his black amex and I've thrown it in the trash. Every year he'd send me the new iPhone, I would give it away to someone else. I always felt he was trying to keep tabs on me so I was like good luck trying to keep track of some tom, dick or harry around Portland" she giggles."His manipulation was mostly in the very small things Christian. Like, bringing home my favorite treats to eat. Things that Karan, Rania and Kiran would do as well whenever they came to see me... that's why it was never suspect because these were normal things that we all did. Whenever I go back to SF, I would take voodoo doughnuts from Portland or if money was an issue, I'd make cookies and brownies when I got to SF etc."

"Ana... what is the thing you fear the most right now. Tell me how I can make it better?"

She slowly turns her body to me and stays quiet for a few moments.

"He knows how I think and what my weaknesses are."

"You're not that same girl from 4 years ago, baby."

She looks up at me. "But my fears are the same... and now with you, he knows I love you and want to marry you."

"He can't hurt me. I'd like to see the fucker try cause then I'll put him in the ground."

"He won't hurt you in the way you're thinking, he's more sinister than that."

"Is this about that game you mentioned? What's that about?"

She pauses for a moment and runs her hand through her hair.

"Since I was the only one, aside from Kiran who didn't think he was such a fucking prick... he'd play this game where he'd tell me a story... he'd give me all the characters and some background and how some of them were connected and then the endgame... I would have to figure out the most sinister way you got to the endgame accept with endgame where was always another bonus. I can't explain it right but basically he'd give all these really random details and then I would have to weed out the most intricate and sinister plot line, I could even add my own details if I wanted, to make it more exciting but it had to be within the realm of possibility not like, oh the aliens came in... Except, I always went for the simple solution cause, the easiest way to get from A to B was a straight line and he'd push me and say _you have really got use you imagination and think... go off the deep end..._ and I just could never be... I don't know... I wasn't dark enough I guess. He would disguise it under strategic and analytical thinking but..." she shakes her head while taking a deep breath. "...I don't know, I just... he fucking knew I loved a challenge and puzzles and putting pieces together... like my brain needed that but after the accident I was to sad too engage so he stopped with the overt mind games and made me play without my even knowing and now he's goading me. That trip to Seattle was the first sign but I didn't do anything and then Akash was second and I fell for it and then at the brunch. With every engagement he will up the ante and I've gotten to a point where my patience is at an all time low. Even more so now that I'm dissecting everything with John... my anger is just..." she clenches her fists and closes her eyes.

"He's one twisted fucker. I'm..."

"There's more..." she says in a low voice.

"Tell me baby..." I hold her hands and give them a light squeeze.

"I'm pretty sure he molested me during recovery."

I count back from 10. I need to remain calm. _I need to remain calm._

"When? How?"

"I'd become an insomniac I'd barely be able to sleep more than 3 hours a night. It was really bad so I was prescribed medication for that too and sometimes I would still wake up and I could swear I felt someone touching me but couldn't see anything. This was after I had become significantly mobile and Vishaal was living with us. However some of the side-effects of the medications were hallucinations and I just ignored it. I thought it was memories of husband #2 manifesting in some way... but now I am pretty sure that it was Vishaal who touched me. That's why sometimes I get afraid when you try to wake me up. It's a mixture of the paranoia of being bed ridden and paralyzed to feeling like I was being touched in places... " she buries her face in her hands.

"I'm so sorry..."

_I'm so fucking sorry. _

"It's not your fault." She says in the thick voice as her tears fall while looking down at her hands. "It doesn't happen all the time and when it does, I have to just quickly make sure that I can move my arms and open my eyes to see where I am... but sometimes I can't help it and it's a knee jerk reaction."

"I'll try to be more careful... I don't want to scare you."

She doesn't say anything but cries a little more.

"I promise I'm trying to get better." She looks up to me and she almost sounds like a little girl.

"Listen to me, this will take time. You don't need to promise me anything... you're doing this for yourself and it will take time and I'm here for you every step of the way baby. I'm not going anywhere." I try to assure her. "I just want you to share whatever is on your mind with me. If I do something that makes you feel uncomfortable because of an associated memory then tell me and I'll stop."

"But none of this is fair to you..."

"It isn't fair to you either. All these seemingly innocent interactions were used to manipulate you... you didn't deserve that."

"He has all these emails from me... stuff that he can use against me if I ever speak up."

"What kind of emails?"

"The ones I sent him when he left. I mean, I can't bring myself to go through them again to make sure I've addressed him as Bhai or not but I know I'd sign them all off with 'love you' or ' miss you' but I did that with everyone you know. Like, I'll tell Karan that I love him... I didn't mean that you know. I... I... it came from an innocent place... and he could use that against me. He was so active in my recovery that he could bring forth all those doctors as witnesses to say how devoted he was and make a case for how he couldn't have done what he did to me. I have nothing to prove it with. Everything is stacked against me."

"Ana, whenever you want to go forward with this, we will hire the best legal team to bring him down. We will investigate and do whatever we can to put him in jail. If you want we can talk to Dad and Grandpa Theo about this, they can help."

She shakes her head. "He'll win. He always wins."

"This time he'll lose." _I'll do whatever I can to make him lose._

"I just wish it was the 3rd quarter already so I could find out what the fuck is in the Will and finally make my exit."

"Don't kill him but I asked Karan about his speculation of what's in the Will."

She pinches the bridge of her nose. "I swear to God this family is way too enamored with you. They fucking tell you everything."

I laugh and she ends up giggling.

"Cause I'm Mr. One Hunnid." I wink at her and she shakes her head and starts to laugh.

"Can we continue this conversation in bed?"

"Only if you let me carry you over my shoulder." I lean in to kiss her.

She rolls her eyes and stands up. I throw her over my shoulder and slap her ass making her giggle again.

We lay in bed and I hold her close and she rests her face in my neck.

"What do you want to know about the Will?" she asks.

"Well, I have a decent understanding of what could possibly happen. I want to know what your thoughts are."

"I just don't want Nita to leave me anything."

"If Nita still leaves you her shares what will you do?"

"I'll gift them to Rania and her family. It'll piss Kiran and Vishaal the fuck off but I don't care. Being locked in with them like that is my worst nightmare."

"You'd essentially be saying goodbye to 9.5 billion Ana." _A shit ton of money._

"Well, Nita's share is approximately 9.5 billion right now, but if they can lock in all the deals before the 3rd quarter then Nita's share could go up to almost 11 billion. That's if Nana decides to leave everything to Mama and Alia Khala only..."

"Ana, we're talking about $11 billion dollars here... and this is in 2020. If AHAK continues to grow...then..."

"Then that's great but Christian, I don't deserve it."

"Why the fuck not Ana?"

"Because I didn't help grow this business, everyone else who's actually involved worked really hard. It's not my place."

"You put yourself on the line for the Rothstein deal. You have devoted yourself to this family despite everything that fucker put you through."

"I want him out of my life Christian. Accepting anything from AHAK like that keeps me tied to them and I want my peace of mind. I want to move on and live my life with people I love and who want the best for me. He doesn't want the best for me. He just wants to break me and own me."

"You've got the biggest heart out of all of them. You deserve your share. It's your right."

"I have no doubt that Nana will do right by everyone. If he decided to leave me anything, I'll give it to Rania or charity. I really don't need anything."

"You're so stubborn."

She shrugs. "Tell me something I don't know."

I kiss her forehead and she leans in closer.

"I think I finally understand it now." She says with a heavy voice.

"What baby?"

"The idea of being a submissive. Giving up control and the freedom."

My scalp prickles. "Ana, what do you mean?" she slowly looks up and her eyes meet mine.

"My mind is just too consumed with all these thoughts and all this pain. The relationships you had before, everyone got what they wanted without the heavy and messy shit. None of it was overwhelming. It was simple. I am just too much. I am too broken. As submissive only has one goal and nothing else matters anymore."

_No, Ana. No. Please don't compare yourselves to that shit. Fuck._

"Ana, listen to me. Those "relationships" weren't real. They were arrangements. There was no growth. Being a submissive is not real. You run the risk of completely losing yourself in the process. Flynn put it this way, because of what I went through, I never emotionally matured like a normal human being. I just remained isolated and look at all the shit I missed out on. My life has been so incredibly bright, intense and fulfilling since we met. I have learned so much and continue to learn. You teach me something new everyday. You said it yourself we're meant to support each other through anything and everything. Please don't compare yourself to that. Don't belittle yourself. Please. I love you, I want you in any way I can have you. You don't have to be strong all the time. You can let go and I will catch you. I love you baby, hamesha." _Forever._

Her eyes go wide. "That's my favorite word." She whispers.

"I remembered from the wedding." I give her a small smile.

She throws her arms around my neck and cries while I hold her tight. "I'm never going to leave you, baby."

She calms down after a little while.

"I don't deserve you." Her voice wavers as she looks into my eyes again.

"I'm pretty sure it's all of us who don't deserve you, Ana." I stroke her cheek and kiss her. "Your lips are so soft when you've been crying."

"I'm glad you still find me attractive when I'm a crying mess." She giggles.

"I wish I could take all your pain away." I say with sincerity. "You're the strongest woman I know. I don't know how you have so much patience and resolve to endure everything you have. Whenever I look at you, I fall even more in love with you. I can't help it."

"You're just saying that cause I give it up for free." She giggles.

"What?" I chuckle.

"Yeah, haven't you heard a free meal tastes way better than they one you work for? So yeah, you just love me cause the sex is free." She sasses.

"What can I say, I'm a freeloader." I smirk.

"Perv."

"Freak." I growl and kiss her all over making her laugh and squeal till she begs me to stop.

I hold her closer to me and wipe her tears as her breathing is back to normal.

"I do have one very important questions to ask."

She looks at me a little worried. "Okay..."

"Please tell me you high-fived him."

She bursts out laughing again. "All the time, Christian. All the damn time."

* * *

**Authors Note**: guys, for reals though. I think i'm molding now. This quaratine is not a cute look anymore.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ Chapter 58-59 Miami Trip

Music:

Empty – PVRIS – whole chapter song basically. I was feeling dem vibes.


	61. Chapter 61

**Blueno: **I wish you had an account. Would love to talk to you more about your experience working in SE Asia and the family dynamics you saw. thank you for reading and following along. Hope all is safe with you, much love.

**Gowildcats**: get dat hurr did boo ;)

**Eldean**: In chapter 59. Karan tells Christian that Ana has a friendzone problem where she unconsciously high fives every guy except she never high fived Christian which meant she was actually interested in him. lol. which is why CG asked if she ever high-fived Vishaal.

I hope all is safe and well with you and your loved ones. Thank you for taking the time to send me wonderful PM's and leave reviews. I probably will be posting only once a week from now on. I will try to update more frequently than that but unless something major happens I will definitely be updating once a week for sure. I am committed to finishing this story and sharing how everything gets resolved. It won't be pretty or simple but it will happen and AS and CG will get their HEA.

* * *

**Chapter 61 – **_**And I imagine that you are above me like a star**_

_Saturday, April 4__th__, 2020_

We flew into PDX on Charlie Tango last night for a quick getaway this weekend in Portland. It was a surprise that Ana wasn't expecting at all. Needless to say her excitement was off the charts once I told her where we'd be going.

After breakfast this morning, Ana gave me a tour of all her usual haunts in Portland. Starting with where Kate and her lived to her favorite coffee shop and then the very famous hardware store where she spent most of her time outside of school. Mr & Mrs. Clayton were elated to see her and proceed to show me some of the staff pictures they have hanging up behind the register. One picture catches me eye, from Ana's little graduation celebration where she's wearing a big goofy smile as she stands between Mr & Mrs. Clayton while holding balloons.

She shows me around the store and we we walk through the aisle with the different kinds of rope.

"How about I buy a few supplies for us to have some fun tonight." I whisper in her ear.

She looks at me and tries to suppress a smile. "Just want did you have in mind, Mr. Grey?"

"Maybe some rope..." I give her a small kiss.

She looks to the different colors and of rope displayed and walks a little closer to the selection. I close in behind her and point to the crimson colored one. She takes in her hand and gets a feel for it.

"Will this leave any marks or cause rope burns?" she asks in a small voice.

FUCK. I am such an insensitive fuck. Kate's words about the rope burns suddenly scream loudly in my mind and I close my eyes in disgust. I feel like such an asshole all of a sudden.

"Ana, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to come off so insensitive. I just... I'm sorry. There's no excuse" I say in a panic.

She turns around and holds my hand, interlocking her fingers in mine. "Hey... it's okay." She gives me a small smile. "It doesn't feel like it would leave marks but I wanted to make sure... it feels soft." She turns back and signals me to hold the rope too.

"No, Ana. I'm sorry. I didn't realize." I turn to walk out of the aisle and she stops me.

"Christian, ever since we've come back from Miami you've been really sweet and gentle with me... but then you went to London and even when you came back you been treating me like I've been made of glass."

"I don't want to hurt you baby... I'm sorry. I just wanted to..." I lose my words momentarily.

"Yeah but..." She tries to suppress a smile but her cheeks glow a bright pink. "We can still play..." she says shyly and shrugs... "plus, I think it'd be really hot." She whispers against my lips and gives me a quick kiss.

I look into her eyes searching for doubt but she her resolve seems firm. She cocks her head to one side and gives me a wink. I smile back apprehensively.

"This color reminds me of what you wore at the Sangeet." I tell her. She smiles and starts to take off some of the rope from the spool. "Look at you Miss Steele, a regular girl scout." I chuckle.

"Oh... you have no idea, Mr. Grey." She sasses in return.

...

After lunch at a local bistro near the WSU, we walk hand in hand as she gives me the grand tour of the campus and all her usual hangout places.

She leads me to a secluded garden area between two buildings and we take our seats on the bench.

"Kate shared this little oasis with me. It was her designated makeout spot but I would come here to read and relax, listen to music and stuff... or sometimes Kate and I would meet her for lunch and have some serious girl talk."

"Thank you for sharing it with me. It's beautiful." I lean in a give her a kiss.

"You're the only one I want to share it with, Mr. Grey." She smiles.

"No wonder I never ran into you. You were probably always hiding here." I smirk.

She laughs and shrugs. "Yeah, probably. Or I was at the library or Claytons." She pauses for a few moments and looks up at the sky. "I used to tell Kate that even though I really worked hard to be invisible... I really hoped that someone would look through it all and see me for me. I know I wore shitty clothes but I figured if someone could notice me in spite of all that then they'd really want to know who I was..." She swallows. "I know, it's stupid... doing everything to not be noticed but also having this small part of myself that was pining for acceptance. I guess that's the real struggle between the heart and mind. My mind tried to do everything to protect me by convincing me to hide and that I wasn't good enough but my heart still longed to be seen and that small voice would echo through every now and then." She looks down and plays with her knotted fingers.

I kiss her temple. "I'm sorry, I saw you that way. You didn't deserve that." I tuck a strand of her behind her hair.

"It was all you knew, I guess." She says in a small voice.

"It was... but that's where you were different as well. I started to daydream of more with you almost immediately. I'd never been affected by a woman to be consumed by her till you. I offered you a ride in hopes of getting to talk to you more but you turned me down. I couldn't sleep that night and thought of you almost every waking moment from then on. I thought about you during thanksgiving dinner, wondering if you had eaten or not then thought you may have had a boyfriend which wasn't a pleasant thought at all."

She giggles. "When you offered me the ride I thought you were crazy. I almost said yes but then remembered HR."

"If you had accepted, I would've ended up inviting you to thanksgiving dinner."

"And I would've gotten a free ride on the jet." she giggles making me laugh.

I smirk and lean in to give her a quick kiss. "Miss Steele, you would've gotten to ride a whole lot more than the jet."

She laughs out loud and falls into me. "Mr. Grey, you are such a perv... but I really like that about you."

...

We're sitting in bed eating a selection from Voodoo Doughnuts when Ana out of nowhere falls into a fit of giggles.

"You know, if someone had told me last spring that I would be sitting in hotel room with a hot guy after some pretty blowing sex eating voodoo doughnuts, I would've died laughing."

"Well, if someone had told me last spring that I would be sitting in a hotel room with a hot girl after some pretty mind blowing sex eating voodoo doughnuts, I would have them committed." I smirk.

"Look at us odd birds." She giggles and takes another bite of her doughnut.

"These are really good. I gave Claude one of your cookies to try the other day and he's banned me for eating them...says they've slowing me down."

"Claude is just jealous." She sneers.

"That's what I told him. Though he'll probably lose his shit if he saw me eating all this." I laugh.

"But we're not really eating all this. We're just trying them out. Don't worry... we're exercising portion control and you're secret is safe with me." She winks.

"I've really not had junk food in years."

She shakes her head "You've been missing out, Grey... Kate and I would have this minimum once a week. It would be our late night snack. Sometimes when I had to close the shop and do inventory, on my way back home, I'd pick up doughnuts since they were open 24 hours and then we'd have our late night girl talk. Once I brought some home but Kate was in her room with whomever she was dating at the time, so I left the box on the counter and the next morning when I woke up, the guy who spent the night was eating one of the donuts. I gave him this insidious glare and he just stopped mid-chew and mumbled a sorry and I was like damn straight you should be sorry... how dare you eat my donuts without asking. I banned his ass from the apartment. Kate broke up with him a week later anyway."

I laugh out loud. "You really take your food seriously."

"Like a blood sport, Grey. You'll do well to remember that." She grumbles.

"I'll be sure to never forget."

"Good. By the way, we need to stop by the shop again to buy some more before we leave tomorrow morning because I need to get some for Kate and Elliot, Gail and the security team and for Jose and Val."

"Baby, how about I buy the franchise and open one in Seattle?" I smirk

"You're so smart. See, this is why I keep you around... well this is also why." She sasses

* * *

_Wednesday April 8__th__, 2020_

**APOV**

_I feel the sun on my face. The dappled light that sprinkles through the leaves as the cool breeze travels through. I take a few deep breaths, willing myself to open my eyes but I think I want to stay like this a little longer. I hear the faint sound music._

_cause after every day  
the wind blows the night time my way  
and I imagine that you are  
above me like a start_

"_Wake up Private." I hear a chuckle._

"_Dad?" I open my eyes and I suddenly realize we're in a car, driving around the bend of a densely tree lined road. It's his mustang and he's got the top down. I look to my left and see him. Young as ever. Not a minute older than the last time I saw him. The radio's playing one of his favorite songs._

_And you keep on glowing  
And you keep on showing me the way  
And I imagine that you are, above me like a star  
__Shine_

_He looks peaceful, with a twinkle in his eye and a hint of a smile on his lips._

"_Nice of you to join me. l've been driving for forever while you've been snoring." He chuckles._

"_Excuse me, I do not snore." I snap back and sit up a little straighter. I look down and see I'm wearing a light pink dress. I'm confused._

"_You're so grown up Annie." He looks at me for a second and smiles. I'm not my 17 year old self I realize._

"_I haven't seen you in forever Dad." I say trying to stifle a sob. "Where haven't you come to visit me?"_

"_Because you've been busy Annie. You've been doing some growing up... don't worry. I've been here every step of the way." I see the breeze travel through his hair. He lets out a laugh. "Remember when you used to beg me to let you drive Stella?"_

"_Does this mean you're going to let me now? I'm grown up now. I can handle Stella." I giggle._

"_Maybe next time. Not sure if Stella is ready to handle you." He teases._

"_I don't like you very much right now Sargent." I pout._

"_Love is a good look on you."_

"_I wish you could meet him Dad."_

"_I'm keeping and eye on him, don't worry. I've got my shotgun in the back." He winks._

"_Of course you do." I laugh._

"_Just remember the promises you've made Annie."_

_I turn to face him. "What promises?"_

"_The promises you've made in the now. The love you feel right now. That matters more than anything that's come before your time with him."_

"_What do you mean dad?"_

"_You'll know when the time is right."_

_I look out to the road ahead of me. The car makes a right turn and I realize we're in Seattle. We drive for a few more minutes and stop in front of a building. Escala?_

"_Dad?"_

"_Our time is up Luna."_

"_But Dad, we haven't... I need more time. There's so much I need to talk to you about."_

"_Next time, I promise." He leans in and kisses my temple._

"_No, Dad. Please..." Tears start to burn my eyes._

"_It's okay, Luna. I'll be back. I just wanted to check in on you."_

_I reluctantly get out of the car and turn around to look at him. He looks like a Hollywood movie star driving his cool sports car with the top down. It makes me laugh. _

"_Take care, Private." He smiles and gives me a small nod._

"_Yes sir." I give him a small smile. I watch him drive off and tears roll down my cheeks. I feel panic rise up and call out to him. "NO, WAIT!"_

**CPOV**

I wake to the sound of whimpering and crying. I look towards Ana and see her crying out.

"Dad... please wait."

I get up and wipe tears from her face.

"Please Dad... I need more time." She cries out.

"Ana baby... wake up..." I caress her face and try my best to coax her out of this.

She opens her eyes and looks straight at me, confused.

"Baby, you were having a dream."

She blinks a few times and swallows trying to get her breathing under control. She keeps looking at me.

"Ana... " I hold her face. "It's okay baby..."

"Why does he keep leaving? He barely comes to see me and then he just leaves." She asks crying.

"I'm sorry baby." I lay back down and pull her in close. She holds on to me tight and cries for bit. She calms down after a while and I feel her breathing steady.

"I'm sorry, I woke you." She says in a small voice.

"Don't apologize baby." I kiss her forehead and she wipes her face. "Was it a bad dream?"

She shakes her head. "It was really beautiful... but it never lasts long."

"Want to talk about it."

She shrugs. "He just said that he knew I've been busy trying to grow up and we were taking a drive in Stella. It was a beautiful spring day. We had the top down and the sun was shining."

"Stella?"

"His mustang. He named her Stella."

"So that's where you get your knack for naming things." I smile at her.

She giggles. "Yeah I guess." She looks up at me. "He said he was keeping an eye on you and that he had the shotgun in the back." She laughs.

"Does this mean, he going to haunt me." I chuckle.

"Probably. Raymond Steele would probably have way too much fun with that."

"You don't have many dreams about him?"

"I've only seen him a handful of times since the accident and each time it's so short lived. I think about him all the time and hope we'll actually talk for longer but we never do. He always has to leave." She says small voice.

I hold her tight and she nestles her face in the crook of my neck and soon her breathing evens out and see that she's fallen asleep.

The last three weeks have been a significant improvement in Ana. She still has her spells where she gets lost in thought but they are few and far in between. She's been going to see Flynn a lot more and it's been helping.

My schedule hasn't been as easy to deal with. I suddenly have a few found appreciation for everything Ros has put up with and how much of a strain it must have put on her relationship with Gwen. I ended up having to go to London for a week and it was pure fucking torture. Ana didn't say anything but then again I knew she wouldn't and I tried to not let it bother me. It's not like I could've cancelled the trip and she couldn't come with me. I had to remind myself of John's advice that Ana was never going to demand anything because she knew how much GEH means to me.

We've been trying to be good about spending time with Emilia. Ana sees her a lot more than I do and I get photo updates every now and then. I'm lucky if I can see her two hours out of the week. I've gotten slightly better at holding her but she will still fuss when I pick her up.

Ros has been itching to come back and while I'd gladly hire her an entire staff of nurses to help Gwen with the baby, Ana warned me to not enable Ros. Gwen needs her to be equally present which has been hilarious because Ros is convinced that Emilia hates her guts. Who knew a baby could turn the shark that is Rosalyn Bailey into a goldfish. I probably should shut my mouth; I'm equally scared of that tiny human Gwen gave birth to.

Ana was right; they can smell fear.

* * *

_Friday April 10__th__, 2020_

"Sir, I have a Mrs. Karim from AHAK International on the line." Andrea buzzes through the intercom.

Why is Nani calling my office. She has my personal number. I ask Andrea to patch the call through.

"Hello, Christian. How are you?" She says with warmth but I still sense some formality or could it could just be the British accent.

"Hello Nani, I'm doing well. And yourself? I'm a little surprised you called me on my office line."

"Ah, yes. I hope you don't mind. I wasn't sure if you'd be available on your personal cell so I thought I'd call through the office. Didn't want to alarm you."

"I appreciate that but please feel free to call me on my personal number whenever you'd like."

"I will. Thank you." She pauses for a beat. "The reason why I'm calling is because I wanted to know if it would be possible for you to meet with me in private when we come to visit Seattle next week."

"Is everything alright?"

"Yes, there are some things I'd like to discuss with you. It's in regards to Aana and I would appreciate it if you didn't tell her, not for a while at least. I will explain more when we meet."

"I have to be honest, you're putting me in a difficult situation."

"I assure you that you will be able to share the nature of our conversation eventually. Just not right now."

"I see... "

"I'll have Mr. Benoit liaise with your head of security. In addition, I would suggest that you bring your lawyer along for the meeting. I will have my own present as well. "

My scalp prickles. _What the hell?_

"I understand. I'll have him present and we will see you next week."

"Thank you, Christian."

She hangs up. That was not the woman who is Ana's grandmother. That was Mrs. Aisha Hasan-Karim. _All business._

I send a text to Taylor to let me know as soon as the meeting is set with her and to let Travis know to make himself available in addition to keeping this off the books since Ana is in charge of Travis' schedule.

Fuck this is going to chip away at my brain till I meet her.

...

Thanks to Ros' influence Ana has come around to the idea of heading the philanthropy department. I've already talked to Elliot about turning one of the mid size conference rooms on our floor into an office for Ana. She'll have the same view of the city as myself.

We're sitting at the Met Grill for our weekly lunch. The phone call from earlier this morning is still at the forefront of my mind.

"I told Mr. Travis that I would make sure to help the transition of the new assistant before I leave." She brings me out of my reverie.

"You can call him Michael, you know."

"I know, but he'll always be Mr. Travis to me, kinda like your high school teachers." She laughs.

"How are the interviews going so far, any solid leads from HR?"

"They've narrowed it down to three people. It all depends on who Mr. Travis likes. Though I can tell he's a little sad that I'm leaving, we worked really well together. Jose isn't all that happy either. He won't say it but he'll miss seeing my face."

"He'll get over it." I smirk. "Besides, he's got a free pass to the 20th floor, I think he'll be happy."

"You know what, you're right. I didn't even think of that. Look at you, figuring out what makes Jose Rodriguez tick."

"I'm good at reading people. It's what I do."

"Except for me." She giggles.

"Yes, Miss Steele. You are the mystery I endeavor to solve."

"Good luck, Grey." She laughs and takes a bite of my mashed potatoes.

"Elliot told me your office will be done by next week so you can meet with the interior designer that we work with and let them know how you want to decorate."

"Okay." She says in a small voice.

"What's wrong baby?"

"Nothing, it feels a little weird." She laughs nervously. "I don't want to mess up."

"You won't baby and I think it's fantastic. You'll be on the 20th floor, I can walk into your office whenever I want and have my way with you." I smirk.

She rolls her eyes. "Excuse me, but you won't be able to waltz in unless you have an appointment. Try to keep it profesh okay..."

"I own the place, Miss Steele."

"I'll report your ass to HR, Grey."

"I'll make you come so hard, you'll be too tired to even speak Miss Steele." I place my hand on her thigh and give her my panty dropping smile.

"Challenge accepted." She raises an eyebrow while grabbing my hand to keep me from trying to tease her. I chuckle and lean in to kiss her.

"I really am happy you'll be on the same floor. It'll help me stay sane." I say with sincerity.

"Whatever I can do to make your life easy, Mr. Grey. I love you." She raises her face to kiss me.

* * *

**Authors Note**: I wonder what Nani is up to.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

**Music:**

_Get To Me - Train._


	62. Chapter 62

**_Bonus MDW chapter._**

We out here in cliffhanger city and it's a nerve-racking party! Lots of theories and I love them all.

**to all the guest reviewers**: thank you for leaving your kind words :) even the ones where you're not happy with the direction of my story or grammar ;)

**voodooguest**: best question ever: they only got four so portland cream, dirty bastard, mango tango and captain oh my captain.

**Team Ray:** I will try my best, they are honestly my favorite to write. There's a whole chapter dedicated to Ray and Nita's story coming soon. I promise.

**LizKoch7**: you are too kind to me *hug*

I love how we're all Team Nani. I hope you all still feel the same way after this chapter and the next. *hides under the covers*

**_To my fanfic familia in the US, I hope you all had a good Memorial Day Weekend and are safe and well. To the men and women in the armed forces and the medical industry, you all are the real MVP's. Thank you for service and dedication._**

* * *

**Chapter 62 – **_**a generous light.**_

_Tuesday, April 14__th__, 2020_

I step put of the elevator and see Ana sitting at the dining table while singing to herself and lost in her task. She's in profile, hunched over the table kneeling on the chair, looking over something. _Fuck me,_ she wearing yoga pants again. There's no music playing on the sound system, just her voice echoing through. I love coming home to this.

_I'd get lost on the boulevard at night  
Without your voice to tell me, I love you, take a right.  
_

I walk towards her but she doesn't seem to hear me and then I see she has airpods in. This gives me a chance to watch her in her element for a while. Ever since Ros has been on maternity leave and with my busy schedule, I barely get a chance to experience her this way. My eyes are always in front of a screen or report or I'm reviewing facts and figures or berating some imbecile.

_Where I go, whatever I do  
I wonder where I am in my relationship to you  
Wherever you go, where you are  
I watch that pretty live play out in pictures from afar_

As I get closer I see she had a million piece puzzle that she's working on. It's still in the very initial stages and it's a puzzle of Dancers in Blue by Degas.

I walk up to her as she sings and hums absentmindedly, going through all the puzzle pieces. I stand and lean my forearms on one of the chairs adjacent to her and her face whips up and she gives me a big smile. She takes of her airpods and puts them to the side.

"Hey handsome." She giggles. I take a few steps and lean into her and pepper her lips with soft kisses

"Hey nerd." I smirk and take off my jacket to take a seat next to her.

"That's not what you called me last night. I believe the word Goddess was used quite frequently." She wiggles her eyebrows making me laugh.

"That smart mouth."

"Last night, you said it was talented." She looks at me and bats her eyes.

I smirk and shake my head. "I don't know why I even try."

"Cause you're old and forgetful." She sasses. "Tell me how was the dinner?"

"Boring as shit. I hate these things. I'm dragging you with me next time."

"So we can be bored as shit together?"

"Yes."

She rolls her eyes and goes back to working on her puzzle.

"Why do you always go for the 1000 piece one? It takes for forever." I realize I sound like child right now... but I really don't understand her love for this stuff.

"It's an exercise in patience, foresight and focus... that picture..." she points to the box cover."... is the endgame. All these pieces are the way to get there. How fast or how slow I get there all depends on how patient and thorough I am. All the pieces are always in front of you, whether you see them or not, is a separate issue but sometimes walking away and coming at it with a fresh pair of eyes is what helps. Like right now, all of this is too much information for me, so what I'll do is create small little groups of similar colors and then work on them little by little rather than spending my entire time going through each puzzle piece and seeing if they fit the last one I had in my hand. That's a waste of time. All the pieces will fit eventually." She speaks intently all while she continues to separate the pieces. "Plus, it shuts my brain up for a while." She laughs.

"Is this another way for you to figure out what he's up to?"

She stops for a second and blinks a few times. Her eyes remain fixed. "I've decided to stop wasting brain energy on that. If I do continue to think of the million possible scenarios then I'll drive myself mad and I already have enough shit in my mind that I'm dealing with." Her jaw tightens and she goes back to the puzzle pieces. "His so called game is just noise. If I let him consume my mind then he wins. I want to be present, as much as I can, in the here and now of my life."

I know she says that she won't think about it but chances are she probably will. She can't help it... just like I can't help it. Welch is still hitting a brick wall. No sign of Leila or Phoebe. Susannah has moved back to Florida and is now living with her sister.

Welch's contact in the building department was able to send him a copy of the plans that were filed for the buildings SARVAK and Elena purchased together. She finally found an investor for that precious and elite BDSM club she wanted to open. It's a hilarious that she died before it came into fruition.

* * *

_FLASHBACK_

_Thursday, July 30th, 2015_

"_How was your orientation with Phoebe?" Elena asks. I don't know what the fuck she got done to herself, her face barely moves._

"_It was satisfactory." I reply._

"_She almost has no limits when it comes to pain." Elena says enticingly._

"_That remains to be seen." Hopefully she won't safeword every two minutes like the last useless sub Elena found me. "We're meeting next Thursday after I come back from Chicago to go over the contract."_

"_I think you two will be perfect."_

_I roll my eyes. "There's so such thing as perfection in this shit, Elena."_

"_Of course, there is. Our arrangement was perfect."_

"_If it was perfect then why the fuck was I so quick to end it?"_

_She laughs and it's the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. "You're funny, Christian."_

"_That wasn't my intention." I grumble and take a bite of my steak. _

"_Tell me, have you given any more thought to my idea?" _

"_What idea, Elena?" I know what she's talking about but sometimes I like to hear her grovel._

"_Christian, don't be obtuse. Look the salons are doing so well... I really think we should venture into the BDSM club scene. The ones we have in Seattle are a disgrace."_

_I scoff. "And you want to be the savior of the BDSM scene in the pacific north-west?"_

"_We can make a lot of money, Christian." She tries to entice me._

"_I already have a lot of money." I smirk. _

"_Christian, it'll be exciting. With the ideas that I have, it'll be the most sought after establishment. In fact there's one that I want you to see. Are you free at the end of this month? They've been having some trouble and are looking for an investor. They're hosting an open house, masquerade night. The club is beautiful and you know me, I rarely ever say that about anything."_

"_Does that include yourself?"_

"_Christian, don't tease." She laughs and sometimes she sounds like a dying hyena._

_I know I make fun of her and treat her like crap every now and then but I'll never forget how she gave me the 100k no questions asked. Not to mention the beating she took from Linc when he found out. I owe her. She's the only person who understands my needs as annoying as she can be she's the only one I can freely talk to about this shit._

"_Look, I'll think about it. It's a risk to associate myself with something like that. Send me the dates and location of where this place is and if my schedule allows, we can go check it out but no promises, Elena. If I don't like it, when I say no, you better shut the fuck up about it."_

"_I can work with that, though I'm sure you'll find it to be a life changing experience." She intones before gulping down her champagne through her botoxed lips and I roll my eyes. She always loves to be overly dramatic about trivial shit._

_FLASHBACK ENDS._

* * *

"Can I help? You never let me."

"Sure, have at it. It may help with your old age. Ya never know." She giggles and leans over the table for a kiss.

We work in silence for a while. She's quick at separating the pieces by color and texture. Her face is of pure concentration and her brows are furrowed into a V. It's hilarious and cute at the same time.

"How was your session with Flynn this evening?"

Her face falls for a bit but she recovers quickly. "It was eh."

"Want to talk about it?"

She shrugs. "I just spend my time looking back a lot that it's keeping me from moving forward. I'm too comfortable living in nostalgia."

"What exactly do you find yourself looking back on?"

"The time before everything happened. Those memories are a safe haven. Anytime I feel like I'm about to spiral out of control, I go back into memory lane and it leads right back to Montesano."

_I've been running from my childhood memories and she runs right back to them._

"How long has it been since you were last there?"

"It's almost been a year. I only go on my dad's birthday. I spend a few hours there and then come back, this tradition of course is only recent... when I started college."

"Do you visit his grave?"

"No. I've never visited his grave."

"Why not?"

She takes a few seconds. "It's not really where he is. That place holds no real memory or meaning for me other than the fact his bones have been laid to rest. I know he's not alive but I never really said goodbye to him so I guess I'm holding on to some idea that he's not really gone." Her face tenses a bit but she recovers herself and continues to work. "It's stupid, I know."

"It's not stupid."

She shrugs again.

"Your house in Montesano, do you visit it when you go there?"

Her voice wavers a little. "Not really. I can't seem to bring myself to go inside. I'll park outside of the house but I'm never able to go in. I feel like if I did, I'd never leave. It's been seven years now."

I see tears form in her eyes but they don't fall.

"What about going with Nita?"

"I wouldn't ask her to do that. She had to bury him and deal with everything that happened with me. She's gone through enough sadness for this life. I don't want to add more to what I'm already about to do in the near future."

"Ana, she's your mother. She will love you no matter what."

"That's not it Christian." She looks out the window for a few moments and closes her eyes as she takes a deep breath. "I'm about to throw a grenade into her life. The gravity of what that will do to her is not lost on me. I know she loves me. I know it... but the guilt she will feel, the anger towards a man she raised like a son. The rift it will cause in the relationship she has with the sister she loves and adores..."

"But Ana, this is all on him. Not you... "

"Look... when I told Nani, it almost broke me all over again. Seeing her reaction, I hated myself so much in that moment but I was also desperate... I felt like I was being suffocated and I needed to tell her."

"What happened? What did she say?"

She looks down and tears start to fall from her eyes. "She got down on her knees and begged for my forgiveness because she felt like she failed me... An 80 year old woman who was not at all responsible, who gave me all the love in the world and devoted so much time to my well being was on her knees and asking me... a nobody for forgiveness."

I rise from my seat and pull her up to me and hold her as I rub her back. "You're not a nobody Ana. You're everything to anyone who loves you." I lead her to the couch and we sit close tangled in each other. She doesn't cry but stays silent for a while as I kiss her forehead and hold her.

"Nita's given me so much. John says I owe her the truth and I know that... I just... I'm so scared and she doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve this betrayal."

"You're right, she doesn't. But none of this is your fault. Yes, the truth will be painful but in the end it's all on him. He did this. He will be the reason why all this is happening and Nita deserves to know the truth."

"Nita isn't even her real name."

"What's is it?"

"Nita is a nickname. Her real name is Noor Karim-Steele... Noor means light in Arabic and Karim means generous and she has been so generous with the light she brought into our lives. She brought out a different side of Ray, a side I had never seen before and she showed me so much affection. Something I never got from Carla."

"You're so much like her. You may not look like each other but you almost sound like each other and I see a lot of her in you."

She looks up at me in shock and a new wave of tears start to form. "No one has ever said that to me. It's the best compliment i've ever received."

I stroke her cheek. "It's the truth. Sometimes when I hear you talk to her, you sound like a little girl. Gives me a glimpse into what you must've been like as a kid."

"I feel like I'm 10 years old when I talk to her. Like we're right back in Montesano and for a second it feels like Dad is still alive. She took such an interest in my life, she always wanted to know what I was reading or listening to. She'd answer any questions I had about the world and the places she'd seen. She was respectful of how Ray wanted to raise me so she promised that once I grew older she'd take me on a girl's trip. Just me and her... she'd take me to her favorite places in Europe and take me to all the museums to see the paintings I loved." She smiles wistfully.

"Why didn't you go with her in college?"

She looks brings her knees to her chest and hides her hands. "I would take summer classes and I'd be working. I also didn't feel worthy... I know it's stupid but I was convinced that I didn't deserve anything more given the money they had spent on my recovery. I have to unlearn all those toxic thoughts now... I have to learn how to fight that crippling fear he instilled in me and it's a lot of shit."

_Son of a bitch. Fucking asshole._

"Look at me, baby."

She takes a few moments and turns her head to me but her eyes don't meet mine. I tip her chin up with my index finger and give her a small kiss and she looks at me. Her eyes are red.

"I think you both should go this summer. Take the jet and go spend a week or two in Paris or anywhere you'd like. Spend time with her, we can liaise Mr. Benoit for any security measures. Sawyer and Prescott will be with you. You both will be safe."

She looks down and nods slowly. "I'll think about it." I know this is her way of avoiding idea. I'll just have to find some time to talk to Nita on my own this weekend.

"Are you excited about them coming?"

She smiles and nods enthusiastically. "Yeah, very. I just have to do a good job of watching Aria though. She has a tendency of wandering off. She likes to go on solo expeditions and touch things. She's my little explorer."

"I guess it's a good thing there's nothing scandalous in the apartment."

"Yes, thank god." She laughs.

"What's on your agenda this weekend?"

"They fly in Friday morning and staying at the Fairmont. We'll have lunch at the hotel then probably take Aria to a museum or the space needle. Then we'll meet Ros in the evening for a bit. Jose and Val will join us there. Saturday we'll just chill here and go out for ice-cream with Aria along with prepping stuff for Sunday's dinner and lounge around in my room and have our girl talk. Then Sunday is dinner here."

"I wish it wasn't busy. If it was warmer and not fucking raining, we could've gone on the Grace."

She gives me a small kiss. "It's okay, we're real homebodies. Since we barely see each other, we really like staying in and catching up."

"I've been meaning to ask, why are you making Nita cook and hosting a dinner with my family. We could've just gone to the Mile High Club."

"Well... it's just what the family does. I mean, it's kind of tradition in a way. My family, well the people I want are officially meeting your family and it's Nita's way of welcoming them as a parent. The best way to get to know the other family is over a home cooked meal or over tea. I mean it's not like your entire family can come to San Francisco on a whim. So it makes sense to do it like this."

"I'm confused. Why is it so important? It's just a dinner."

"In the south Asian culture, it's not a marriage of two people but two families. And I know we're not officially engaged but the intention for marriage is there. So this way, your family will get to know mine because they both will be a big part of our lives going forward especially in terms of kids and raising them and our families paths will continue to cross. It's also a good way to know what kind of family one's daughter will be a part of. At this point, Nita only knows Grace that too only a little bit and the rest she's just heard from me. I really wanted Karan and Aashu to be here too but they're in Manchester for work so they're missing out." She pouts and then giggles.

"I think that's really beautiful" I lean in and give her a small kiss.

"Well, hold your horses on that. We're gonna have a full house of people here and one very excited almost 3 year old. Lots of noise Mr. Grey."

I chuckle. "I'm okay with that. What will be on the menu? Please tell me Nita will make the beef curry."

Ana falls into a fit of giggles. "Yes she most definitely will... it'll be a repeat of the menu of what we had in SF since the spice level was mild except I'm making date barfi and one western dessert as well. I told Grace today and she was excited. Grandma Margot and Grandpa Theo are thoroughly jealous that they won't be here."

"Hang on, how often do you talk to all of them?"

"Well we text every other day for sure. Grace I'll talk to twice a week and Grandma Margot once a week. She loves Jose by the way and Grandpa Theo wants Val's number.

"I'm not surprised at Theo but how the fuck does Jose talk to Margot?" I feign irritation but end up chuckling.

"We send her videos." She giggles. We send pictures to each other all the time and once she sent a selfie of herself holding a rose she picked form your uncles garden and Jose and I sent her a video back calling her a Queen. She ate it up and now she always asks about him."

I shake my head trying to suppress a laugh. "Only Jose."

"Exactly. He's in our lives and never leaving Christian. Get comfortable." She laughs.

I roll my eyes.

"Do the Kapadia siblings know?"

"The question is, do I give two shits about them knowing?" she raises an eyebrow.

"Good answer." I laugh. "Now come on wench, I'm taking you to bed and having my way with you."

* * *

_Saturday, April 18__th__, 2020_

I'm on my way to the Fairmont to meet Nani and her lawyer. I left after Nita and Aria arrived at Escala. I found it odd that Rania didn't show up was told that she had a conference call and I took that as my cue to leave. Oddly enough, Ana never asks where I'm going and why. Even though I've not been answerable to anyone in years, I find that I want her to ask me. It's odd. She only asks when I'll be back. I remember Elliot once dated a girl who was obsessed with knowing where he was every minute of every day. That relationship lasted a total of a week. I suddenly realize, I am that person in this relationship. Even though it's because I want Ana safe it's also because I'm genuinely curious about her.

Once I arrive at the Fairmont, Taylor accompanies me to the lobby where Travis is already waiting for me. I see Mr. Benoit as well. He gives us a nod and turns on his heel signaling us to follow him.

I don't do nervous but I won't lie that the anticipation of what Nani wants to talk about has my stomach in knots. If this was any other meeting, I wouldn't give two shits about anything but since this is in regards to Ana, all my nerves are shot to shit.

Travis and I are escorted to the meeting room. Before we enter, Mr. Benoit stops us and asks that we hand our phones over to Taylor who will be waiting with him just outside this door until we're done.

"May I ask why?" Taylor inquires.

"The nature of the conversation that will take place beyond this door is sensitive. Mrs. Karim prefers the absence of any electronic devices." He says impassively. I get the distinct impression that he really hates my guts because he refuses to look at me. We take out our phones and hand them over to Taylor. If my nerves were shot to shit before, they're completely obliterated now.

Once I enter I see Nani dressed in western clothes. _Head trip_... and her lawyer is... Rania? I know Rania takes care of the business legalities at AHAK. Ana told me they have outside counsel for personal matters such as the Will. _Oh fuck._ Does this mean she knows? Ana told me she gave her the watered down version of her issue with Vishaal. I have too many questions are racing through my mind right now.

They both smile but don't reach out to hug but hold out their hands and greet us rather professionally.

We exchange pleasantries and they offer us refreshments but we decline.

"Mr. Travis, Aana speaks very highly of you and the mentorship you've provided over the recent months." Nani says with warmth.

"Thank you, Mrs. Karim. Your grand-daughter is an exceptional woman and a great asset to my team." He replies with a genuine smile.

I see Nani and Rania beam proudly. _Even when she's not in the room we're all under her spell._

"Before we begin, we would like for you to sign this NDA Mr. Grey. Feel free to review it with Mr. Travis but I'm sure you'll find our terms reasonable. We want to make sure you're comfortable with this." Rania says as she hands two copies of the document. This is not the Rania who makes fun of Ana or teases me. She hasn't cracked a smile except for when Ana's name was mentioned. She has otherwise been completely stoic.

As I review it, I see that it's airtight but makes note to include that only GEH employees under security, legal and IT may only be privy to the information that is discussed in this meeting. I find the singled out departments and employees listed by name rather odd and slightly alarming. I then see Flynn's name listed as well. I look up at Nani briefly and I can tell she knows what really caught my eye. She gives me a reassuring smile and a slight nod. Fuck, she's already surmised that I'm going to need to talk to Flynn. Which means this will be a shitshow. I briefly wonder how she knows this but then I remember that Ana has told her about her therapy with him. Another interesting tidbit is the time limit on the NDA. It only lasts until the end of the 3rd quarter or until Rania has me sign another document rendering it null and void before then. Travis gives me a look but eventually signals me that it's okay to sign.

After the documents are signed, both Rania and Travis leave and just like that it's only Nani and myself in the room.

_You could slice the tension with a knife at this point._

"Mr. Grey, I think it would be prudent that we address each other formally for the duration of this meeting."

_Interesting_. I nod. "Understood." I pause for a moment. "May I ask, why not go with the honor code?"

"That was my husband's way of doing things. I'm different." She says simply.

"I see." She really is all business today. I find this a little unnerving. I need to channel all the control I've mastered in the last 15 years. "Please continue. This is your meeting."

Her face is impassive as she begins. "The first thing on my agenda is that you stop surveillance on Vishaal."

_WHAT THE FUCK?_

* * *

**Authors Note**: holy shirtballs on a stick.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/

**Music:**

_In your atmosphere (Where the Light is: Live in Los Angeles) - John Mayer._


	63. Chapter 63

Okay so, I felt a little guilty about the cliffhangers and decided to give you all a longer chapter this time. Lot's happening, little and not so little easter eggs here and there and a VERY important message in the A/N at the bottom.

As said previously, I will only be updating once a week. Depending on how things go, I may update twice but for now, this will be my schedule going forward, unless something serious comes up.

to every single human who reviewed, you had me laughing out loud. THANK YOU. I loved your reactions. **LadyValarie65's** was the best. Reminded me of Eugene Levy at the end of Bringin' Down the House.

**Imaginationgirl91**: I hope you like Aria's adventure in this chapter.

* * *

**Chapter 63 – **_**honor is mine**_

_Saturday, April 18__th__, 2020_

_Her face is impassive as she begins. "The first thing on my agenda is that you stop surveillance on Vishaal."_

_WHAT THE FUCK?_

The meeting lasts all of thirty minutes. Thirty minutes of absolute shock and anger and betrayal.

As soon as Taylor and I leave the room, I start barking my orders at him because I am too close to losing it.

"I want Welch and Barney at GEH within the hour or they can kiss their jobs goodbye."

"Yes sir." Taylor nods.

The drive to GEH is short and tense. I am desperately trying to keep my volatile emotions in check. How, _HOW could this have happened? HOW could have I been so blind?_

I suddenly realize that in the shock of it all, I forgot to ask her the most important question. I doubt she'll engage in a conversation about this ever again. I can request a meeting all I want but she'll likely refuse. Rania doesn't know a fucking thing so talking to her is completely out of the scope of reality.

_FUCK._

I pace my office like I'm running the marathon. I haven't said a word to Taylor yet who is watching me like a hawk. _Breathe, Christian. Just breathe through it._ I try to remember Flynn's words...

_Oh fuck. this. shit._

"Taylor, GEH security needs to be revisited."

"Sir, are you at liberty to discuss the nature of your meeting with Mrs. Karim?"

"I am but I need Welch and Barney to get their asses here because I'm not keen on repeating myself."

He silently nods and ten minutes later I see Welch and Barney shuffle through.

"Hey Mr. G..." Barney says, no doubt trying to test the waters

"Not today, Barney." I cut him off and he shuts up.

"Sir, how can we help?" Welch pipes up.

"Well for starters, explain to me how secure are our servers?"

"No one's getting in..." he begins but I cut him off.

"Really? Because I have it on good authority that our security is absolute shit... Barney, care to share something with the class?"

He pales for a moment and stammers "Sir, it's impossible for someone to hack into our systems... I mean unless it's a government agency or someone from the inside but even then we would know."

"I want you to go through everything with a fine tooth comb. This is your top priority and your entire life until the job is done. Revamp _EVERYTHING_ and my personal information including those who are close to me needs to be treated like the fucking nuclear launch codes." I all but scream. I see Welch and Barney swallow and look at each other. "After you're done restructuring everything, I want you to run the most aggressive simulations to ensure that no one gets in because if I'm blindsided like this again, I promise you, I will have both of your heads on a fucking stick." I seethe.

Words from the meeting earlier come to mind.

"_What's this?" I ask. I am not touching this shit._

"_Your Hiroshima, Mr. Grey" she says stone-faced._

"_Mrs. Karim, are you blackmailing me?"_

"_Why blackmail someone when you can just put an end to the situation." _

_I look away. What the fuck is happening right now?_

"Yes sir. We'll get right on it." Barney says and I dismiss him but ask Welch to stay behind.

I explain to Welch and Taylor the nature of my conversation with Mrs. Karim. Their eyes almost fall out of their sockets.

"Sir... I... don't..." Welch looks to Taylor and swallows "how did she get all this?"

"Apparently she has friends in very high places." I intone.

He raises an eyebrow. "Sir, with this level of detail into their backgrounds... this is government level access."

And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. Amy Rosenthal... she's a member on the Senate Select Intelligence Committee. All she would have needed was an introduction to the right person through her.

"_I have been alive a very long time and I have friends in high places Mr. Grey. Very high places and I rarely ever call in favors."_

"Sir, do you want me to look into Mrs. Karim?"

"She'll likely know we're looking into her even if we try and I'm pretty sure we won't find anything incriminating." I say. I don't want to stir up any more shit for Ana's sake. _My hands are literally tied._

He silently nods.

"Call off surveillance on Susannah Blake."

"Sir, are you sure?"

"Yes. Nothing will ever come out of it and she's no longer a threat."

...

**APOV**

I know I'm a grown ass woman but having my family come to visit me has me way too excited. Yesterday was amazing. After meeting my favorite ladies in their hotel room, I said a silent thank you to God when they had chosen the Olympic Suite instead of the Cascade one. I would've been a wet and blushing mess trying not to replay our memories of Valentines Day through my head.

Aria loved every minute of our outings at the children's museum and Space Needle. She's taken a liking to Sawyer along with Nani much to Benny's disdain of the situation. I assured him he could never be replaced but he just gave his usual pissed off grunt in response.

Ros was over the moon to meet Nani and all us ladies, including Jose who is at this point the leading lady in our lives, got along rather swimmingly. Jose made it no secret that he's head over heels in love with Nita. He made her laugh to no end, again at my expense but it warmed my heart because I had been wanting to share my life in Seattle with her outside of just phone conversations and daily pictures. Rania's energy level was also a perfect match for him and it has been decided that we absolutely have to go to the Secret Garden when she visits Seattle next time. Jose is eager to meet Ruby and have a karaoke duet with her. We also finally established Valerie's stripper name, she chose Vivian because it's the sexiest name she could think of and I'm not entirely opposed to the idea except every time I think of that name Pretty woman starting playing in my head. Jose is content with his name being... well, I'm still not sold on his stripper name but he's over the moon about it.

While we do not look alike at all, Nita has been blessed with anti-aging genes, actually the whole family has; and people often think she's a friend of mine. No one really looks their age. She's only 46 years old and still a _babe_. I've often told her to get back on the dating scene but she laughs it off. I don't want her to be alone but whenever I've pressed her she's always told me that no one could ever match up to Ray _so why settle for less?_ Still, every now and then I broach the subject hoping that some day she'll come around. When we're in public, I never outright call her Mama... _you never know when a cute guy could be checking you out_, I tell her. She always rolls her eyes at that.

I introduced Aria to Emilia and her adoration for the baby quickly turned into jealously when I held her for too long. I assured her that she was my first baby and gremlin forever and that Emilia was like a little sister. Needless to say, I have a lot of making up to this weekend. Emilia was warned before leaving that _Aana Khala is mine._ She's definitely Rania's daughter through and through. Always needs to have the last word.

Christian made a quick appearance at Ros' by the end of the workday before we head out to the Mile High Club for dinner. He seems a little on edge and I've tried asking him but he insists that it's just work. I can't force him to tell me anything so I ended the conversation with a simple assurance that I was here whenever he needed me. He gave me a tight smile and proceeded to distract me with sex. He'll talk to me when he's ready. I have to trust in that.

Aria is down for a nap in my room with Nita, while Nani prays and catches up on her reading. I'm almost jealous that she spends her day reading... I miss doing that. I need to start up again. Maybe that will help calm my mind too.

I lounge in the TV room with Rania as she gets cozy with a glass of wine. She tells me about her two week trip to Pakistan to shop for clothes for Aashu's wedding and Rania's antics with her paternal relatives. Rania's mother-in-law isn't her biggest fan given how she trapped her son in America when he was supposed to return after his residency and open up his practice in Pakistan. Never mind the fact that Rania is the head of legal at a multi-billion dollar company, their only concern is with the fact that they 'lost' their son to America. _Then why did you fucking send him here in the first place?_ Is my billion dollar question. Rania still puts in an effort, she invites them over for the summer months and does whatever she can to make them feel welcome but it's never fully appreciated. Sometimes, no matter how educated you are, old cultural habits die hard.

"You look relaxed..." I tease.

"Girl, I could be a little more relaxed after those two weeks of torture if you ask me but Ruby finally flew in from Paris Thursday night and had some fun before flying back out." She smirks and dives in to details much to my protest while I cover my ears and eyes.

"T'was a fun layover?" I laugh

"Fun? Girl.. let me tell you we tried this new thing..."

"NO. Please... you both are like mom and dad territory for me..."

"Whatever Steele, you need to know this shit. It's my job to impart this sexual wisdom on you."

"Uh, no thanks. I don't need any more sexual wisdom... I'm more than happy with what I know and let me tell ya... I'm happy. VERY HAPPY."

"So he's a freak too?" She wiggles her eyebrows

I snort. The things I could tell you but won't. "Raniapa... let's just say, that I'm never bored and always pleasantly surprised." I say trying not to giggle like a fool

"TELL ME. I deserve to know." She pleads.

"Well, yoga really helps with creativity... if you know what I mean." I cover my eyes because I'm red

"Atta girl...spice up that curry... also... have you introduced him to Sapphire? Cause Raees loves the French accent. I've literally told him to take out the trash out in bed and he thinks I'm telling him he's a sex god." She cackles while taking a sip of her wine and I quite literally expire with laughter.

**CPOV**

When I step off the elevator I see that the great room is empty and quiet. It's a rainy day and the overcast makes everything especially dark and grey. Maybe they're all in her room, I wonder. I walk towards my study and her giggling and laughter from the TV room. I walk a little closer and see Rania and Ana laughing as they fall into each other.

"No... I've only introduced him to Sapphire as my stripper name. It was a joke. She hasn't made an appearance in that way... I don't think I could ever do that." she giggles waving her hand dismissively.

Well, well... Miss Steele. I can't help but smirk.

"Girl, I'm telling you... fly her in from London and have a good weekend. Helps keep the curry fresh."

Ana groans. "You're too freaky for me."

"Raees used to say the same but now... he prefers French cuisine." Rania shrugs and laughs out loud.

"OH MY GOD. PLEASE STOP." I see Ana cover her face and fall back into the couch squealing.

"As your favorite cousin ever, I'm just making sure you're taken care of baby girl." She chuckles.

I walk in. "I agree, you should be taken care of." Ana's eyes go wide and she immediately picks up the cushion and hides her face while Rania laughs her ass off.

"Mr. One Hunnid, so nice of you to join us. Cool digs, made me want to go all 'hey MTV welcome to my crib' when I walked in." She smirks.

"Thank you, Rania. I'm sorry I wasn't here to welcome you all, I had a meeting and then some things to take care of at work."

"Don't worry about it. Happens all the time. Come join us... by the way, I totally raided your wine cooler." She giggles.

She's acting so normal. I try and keep up. She doesn't know anything, that's the only thing that's keeping me somewhat calm right now. Nani on the other hand, I don't know how I'll face her or act normal in front of her.

"I'm glad you did. I'll join you in a bit, I just need Ana for a few minutes. Baby, if you're done hiding, can I talk to you?"

Ana's removes the cushion from her face and is uncharacteristically quiet; no doubt embarrassed by the conversation I walked in on. It makes me want to laugh because she's so adorable sometimes. She throws the cushion at Rania and walks over to me. Rania cheers suggestively and Ana groans yelling something in Urdu at her.

I grab her hand and walk towards the bedroom. I'm desperately trying to hold it together, her touch calms but I need more. I also have to be careful to not alarm her. Another instance where I'll have to exercise control.

As soon as we get into the room I close the door and push her to the wall and kiss her. Really kiss the life out of her. She moans as I grind into her. She brings her hands to my hair but I grab her wrists and hold them stretched out above her. I reach down and lift her dress and play with her clit and she arches her back moaning. I break the kiss and look into her eyes.

"Anastasia." is all I say and she slowly nods. I unzip myself and make quick work to push myself inside of her and she throws one leg around me for support.

"Christian..." She moans my name as a whisper while I continue to rub her clit.

I grunt as I thrust into her at an erratic pace. I need this. I need her. _Desperately need her_. She can help me find control.

"I need you to come Anastasia... now" I growl before biting her neck. She throws her head back and whimpers. She's close, I feel her tightening around me as her breathing quickens. "Now..." I command and on cue she detonates while her leg tightens around me, bringing me over the edge with her as she deliciously milks my cock.

We take a few moments with our foreheads resting against each other.

"What happened Christian?" she softly asks, looking up at me.

I can't tell her. I just fucked her for my own peace of mind, whatever little I'm able to find through dominating her. _I'm an asshole._

"I just needed you. I'm sorry I've been so busy with work." It's the truth, _partially that is._ I have been busy and I do feel guilty. Even though she won't say anything, _I still feel guilty._

I feel her delicate hand run through my hair as she brings my face down for a kiss. "Christian, you shouldn't feel guilty. It won't last forever. It's just for a little while." She gives me a small smile.

"Yeah, I know... but you deserve better." I murmur. You don't deserve a fuck up like me who has done fucked up shit.

"It's not about what I deserve but what I want... and I want you Mr. Grey. GEH is your baby, it needs you." She kisses the corner of my mouth.

I chuckle. "I thought GEH was my wife."

"Sometimes... but I think baby is a better description." She giggles and I trace circles on her cheek with my thumb. I needed to hear that sound.

"If you ever wanted me take a step back from all this, I would. I'd do it in a heartbeat. We could just disappear and see the world. All the places on your map, we could just go explore..." I ramble.

She laughs. "As tempting as that offer is, you need to work it's in your blood."

_Let's just fucking disappear till the 3__rd__ quarter. You'll be safe and happy and away from all this bullshit_. "I also need you."

"What happened Christian, you can tell me." She looks at me willing to tell her. I can't. I literally can't.

"Nothing baby, work is just getting to me. Must be my old age." I chuckle.

"I knew it. I'm dating an old fart..." She giggles and we go to clean up.

Before we leave the bedroom, I pull her to me and flush my body against hers making her gasp as she looks up at me. "So when will I get to meet Sapphire?"

Her eyes go wide. "You heard all of that?"

"I heard enough. Now tell me, when do I get to meet the elusive Sapphire?"

She looks down for moment and then raises her face to look me while raising an eyebrow and begins to speak in the perfect British accent. "Mr. Grey, Sapphire cannot be summoned. She's incredibly high maintenance and to be honest, I don't think you could keep up with her."

"Is that a challenge?" I smirk.

"My darling Mr. Grey, the fact that you're even asking that question means I'm way out of your league." She sasses with a smirk before turning around to walk out.

* * *

Sunday, April 19th, 2020

**CPOV**

I've been holed up in my study all day. I've ventured out to the kitchen to get something to drink or get snack on occasion but mostly to see what was being made and it has been pure torture because the food so far smells amazing and having to wait till everyone else is here is driving me up the wall. Dinner last night was a struggle to keep up with. Nani was her usual self, as if the meeting a nd conversation we had never happened. At one point when Rania took Aria to the bathroom and Nita and Ana were clearing up the table, Nani looked straight at me and told me to relax. She could sense my nerves. I gave her a small smile and nodded. _How the fuck am I supposed to relax? _Ana is starting to pick up on it too, the work excuse will only last me so long.

_I need to desperately talk to Flynn._

I'm making notes on one of the contracts I'm reviewing when something from the corner of my catches my attention. I crane my neck to look to my right when I see a pair of eyes, barely above the table, staring right at me. I jump back a little when all I hear is a growl like giggle. It's Aria and I have to chuckle, now I know where she gets her nickname from.

"Aria scared Chwischin Khalu." Her eyes crinkle as she laughs out loud.

"Yes, Aria. You did a little." I smile back her. Rania has been teaching her to call me Khalu. Even though Ana and I are not married, Rania said it was like a done deal anyway and she wants Aria to learn all the respectful titles of the people around her from a young age. It warmed my ice cold heart.

"Are you woking?" she asks.

"Yes I am."

She brings her index finger to her lips. "Aria stay quiet when mama woking." She starts to wander around the study with her hands behind her back. It's amusing but she looks at everything and then makes her way to the floor to ceiling window. I briefly wonder if life will be like this with our kids. I suppose it will. Aria is a well-behaved child. I've only seen her have a melt-down once but she was quickly assuaged by Ana and the promise of ice-cream after dinner.

"Cars are small." She points in an obscure direction out of the window and I get up and go to see what she's talking about.

"Yeah, they are. It's because we're so high up."

She looks at me with wonder I think. It could be confusion also. She turns around and walks back towards my desk and parks herself near my chair. Assessing whatever is actually on my desk.

Her eyes go wide and she gasps. "Aana Khala and Chwischin Khalu..." she points and I know what she's referring to. It's the photobooth strip I have on the desk of Ana and myself from Scooter's wedding.

"Yes it is." I say as I sit back in my chair.

"You kiss Aana Khala..." she closes her eyes and giggles and it's adorable.

"Yes, I kiss her a lot." I smirk. She starts looking at me and I'm at a loss. How do I keep conversation going with a 3 year old?

"Aana Khala, told me you had a birthday."

"I turned free." She holds up three fingers.

"Did you have fun?"

She nods enthusiastically. "I ate lots of cake and got pwesents." She pauses for a second. "Can I sit on the table?"

What? Why would she want to do that? She looks at me with expectant brown eyes and I'm assessing the situation that if I say no, I could potentially cause a nuclear meltdown and that's the last thing I want. The image of Rania barreling into my study to beat me to pulp for making her daughter cry is not pretty.

I have to pick her up. Fuck. I need to do this in a way where she won't touch me. Even though, I know she's just a kid. She means me no harm. I swallow and tentatively hold my hands out and she lifts her arms smiling at me. I gently pick her up and set her on the table, adjacent to me. She dangles her legs and looks around. I have no idea what she's going for. How is this entertainment for a three year old?

I suddenly remember when Mia was little she used to love paper planes. Elliot would make them for her and she loved that shit.

"Do you like paper planes?"

"What's that?" she asks confused.

I lean over to the printer under my desk and pull out a few sheets of paper and make one. She looks at me with curious eyes. Once I'm done, I show her and aim it over the table and let it fly. Her eyes go wide and she claps and squeals.

"Again." She laughs.

I make a few more. I even write her name on one of them and fly them out.

I can't believe, I'm making a kid laugh and she hasn't thought I'm a monster yet. _There is hope for you yet, Grey._

"Having fun without me, I see." I hear Ana's voice from the threshold of the room as she giggles.

Aria whips her face back and I follow her gaze. "Aana Khala, Chwischin Khalu made paper planes... show her." She looks back at me and taps my shoulder with her little hand.

I chuckle and make another one. I give it to Aria and she throws it over the table. Not the greatest take off but she's thrilled nonetheless.

"Gremlin, that is so cool... you want to show Mama what you learned?"

Aria nods and asks me to help her down. She quickly picks up all of the paper planes, clutching them for dear life and runs out of the study.

"You're a natural, Mr. Grey." She says with what I sense is wonder. Her faith in me is disarming sometimes.

"I learned from the best, Miss Steele." I smile back, still unsure of myself. _This weekend is testing me in every way._

Ana walks in my direction and tiptoes when she reaches me, pulling my face down to give me a kiss. It's starts out as gentle but quickly turns into something deeper and more sensual. I wrap my arms around her waist and hold her tight. Her hands move into my hair and the kiss becomes urgent as she moans into me. I break away from her lips and kiss her neck down to her sternum.

She smells of roses, jasmine and Ana. _Home. Always._

"To what do I owe this pleasure?" I smirk as I whisper against her lips.

She looks at me with dreamy eyes and smile and she runs her hand through my hair. "Anytime I see you with Emilia or Aria... my ovaries go haywire and start sending signals to my brain to find you and tell you to put a baby inside of me." She giggles.

I chuckle. "Well, tell your brain to tell your ovaries that I'd gladly put a baby inside of you. After all, we aim to please Miss Steele."

She looks at me for a few seconds and swallows. "I know we talk about this in the abstract and joke about it but we should talk about a timeline... something to work towards maybe?"

"We can do that. In therapy or just us?"

"Just us to start. Tonight? If we're not tired after handling everything?"

"Tonight." I lean down and kiss her again. "You look beautiful, like spring personified."

I see tears start to form in her eyes. "You make me feel like Spring, Mr. Grey."

...

**APOV**

I go up to my room to see if Mama needs anything as she's getting ready this evening.

"Damn girl, look at you in that sari! Do you need anything?" I ask.

"I'm good meri jaan. Are you excited?"

"Yeah, I am. I always wondered when I'd get to have something like this for myself... so I'm really glad my life is growing like this."

"Well, judging by how good Christian is to you, I have no doubt his family is just as wonderful. I look forward to getting to know them more... I just wish your father were alive to be a part of this as well." Her voice breaks a little.

I feel the tears start to burn my own eyes. "I wish the same but he's here in spirit... I actually had a dream about him earlier this week."

I tell her about the dream and she laughs because it's classic Ray.

"Have you thought about when you two want to get married? General idea of course."

"Not really, probably early next year. We have a lot happening this year, with his schedule, my taking over philanthropy at GEH which by the way, I'll probably call you everyday for advice plus Kate and Elliot's wedding then Aashu's wedding... I think we need to pace ourselves." I laugh.

She smiles. "When you put it that way, you're right it's a lot but let me know whenever you decide, I need to make preparations."

"You need to chill ma, we probably won't do anything elaborate like Kiran and Daniel. Maybe like two days with a really small guest list, we'll see."

"No pressure, but I have the jewelry from my wedding that I've saved for you so if you do have a Sangeet, you can wear that? I'm sure Nani has some heirlooms she wants to give you as well."

_Oh fuck. Nita Steele is killing me with the Mama vibes right now._

"I'd love that, Mama." I say try to not cry and give her a hug and she kisses my forehead.

We continue to catch up a little more when she tells me that Vishaal took her out to one of their monthly lunches. I'd forgotten they still do that. His schedule has been over the place since he became CEO so it hasn't been as frequent.

"He was also asking about when you two are thinking of getting married."

_I want to throw up. _"Why doesn't he focus on getting married himself?"

"You know how he is, he worries about you, wants to make sure his kid sister is happy."

"Mama, between you and me, I am not comfortable him knowing stuff about me anymore."

She looks at me concerned. "What happened?"

Fuck, I can't tell her right now. "Nothing, he just has this bad habit of expecting us to tell him things and passing judgement on how we should or shouldn't live our lives. I get that he's the oldest among us all, but just because Nana passed away doesn't automatically make him the authority in this family. That respect has to be earned."

"Did he say something to you Aana?"

_How can I say this while still preserving the peace?_

"He's always trying to tell me how I should live my life and Mama, I don't appreciate it especially when I don't tell him how to live his not that I know anything about his life anymore. I honestly have no interest. Please don't volunteer any information about mine to either him or Kiran. I want to be the only source of information... Christian is extremely private and I don't want to cause any problems with him. This culture is different for him and I'm trying to ease him into everything without the drama."

"I understand that. Vishaal and I had a general conversation; he just wants to see you happy and settled like Kiran. He'll never stop being a big a brother to you." She smiles.

I look away and try to maintain composure. "I think he should focus on finding his own happiness. He's turning 33 this year, Alia Khala should seriously focus her efforts on getting him married. It's about time. I no longer see him in the capacity of a big brother."

"Why?" She looks back at me.

"Between you and me, we've grown apart. He has no respect for my life choices and I'm honestly over it Mama. I don't have room in my life for that kind of drama. I'm trying to move forward in a meaningful way now. Ever since the press leak with Kiran, I've distanced myself from them. They're always telling me that I'm 'over reacting' making me feel like I'm absolutely wrong in everything I do."

"Why didn't you tell me before?" She sounds hurt and I hold her hand and smile.

"Because... I don't live in SF and their opinions just don't matter to me anymore. My life is different; I didn't want to cause any unnecessary problems. Yours and Nani's opinions are the only ones that matter to me. Please don't say anything to anyone but after Kiran's wedding a lot of things have started to make sense to me and I honestly, don't want the negativity."

"I won't Aanu and thank you for telling me." She gives me hand a squeeze.

"I appreciate that Mama." I kiss her cheek and tell her I'm going down to check on things.

Our guests are about 30 minutes out and I'm putting last minute touches on the table. The main floral arrangement and bud vases were delivered about an hour ago and I cut pomegranates and spread them across the table and sprinkled cloves, star anise and cardamoms around them.

I feel Christian behind me and he kisses my temple. "This looks beautiful baby."

I look up at him and smile. "I'm glad you like it. I hope your parents will too, I made sure the spice level on the food was mild and the desserts are really sweet but I couldn't really control that... I just hope they like everything..."

I really hope they do, even though the Greys are culturally sensitive and open to new experiences... I want this to go as smoothly as possible. Grace and Carrick have been so good to me. I'm glad Mama doesn't know what happened over the winter holidays, this helps her not freak out even more than she already is about this dinner. It's an official meeting of the two families and while a lot of mine is absent, still, most of the important ones are here.

In the absence of my Dad, Nana, had he been alive would've been the father figure... In the absence of Nana and if Vishaal hadn't been such a colossal piece of shit then he would, as my brother been a father figure. While Vishaal still thinks that he the representative of this family, I've effectively sent him a slap in the face with this dinner. He knows it's happening, Rania let it slip on purpose the day before she came here. I haven't heard from Kiran which means she still doesn't know or she's sulking in a corner. I might get an earful at Kate and Elliot's wedding but I'll deal with that dumpster fire when I get to it.

Even though, I so desperately wish that Dad were alive and here with us, I am still so grateful and happy that Nani and Mama are my pillars of strength who hold me up and are representatives of the family and traditions that I not only love but have helped made me who I am today. Aisha Hasan-Karim, Nita Karim-Steele and Rania Karim-Raees, three fiercely independent, strong and kind women are the family that I get to introduce to my future husband's family.

"They'll be fine Ana. They like Indian food but I'm pretty sure you guys are about to spoil them because all of this is definitely a treat for them." He chuckles.

"I hope so... by the way, I have a small favor to ask." I whisper. He nods. "Aria has been getting a little antsy and she's been asking me since yesterday if she can play on the piano but I told her that I had to ask you before she could even touch it. Can you sit with her for a few minutes? If not, that's_ totally_ okay... I just wanted to ask." I know that piano is his baby, not that he's ever placed restrictions on anything when it comes to the apartment, I still don't want to rock the boat. I still think he's new to the concept of sharing and opening up your life to people and trying to keep Aria distracted to not touch or break anything has taken every ounce of my energy.

He leans down and gives me a quick kiss "Anything for you, baby." I smile and tell him she's in the TV room with Rania watching something and he goes off to find her. Nani gives me a smile from the great room and winks at me. A few minutes later I hear Aria running towards me at full speed and way too much energy.

"AANA KHALA... ARIA GOING TO PLAY PIANO. Chwischin Khalu going to help." She's so freaking happy. I see Rania walk in too and she rolls her eyes and wishes Christian luck.

"Really? That's so exciting baby. Can I watch too?"

"Yeah." She answers and runs towards the piano and climbs up the bench and patiently waits for Christian to join her.

I know I'm going to end up crying like a fool because this image is going to really do a number on my ovaries.

Christian plays her a little bit of Clair de Lune and Aria furiously claps asking him to play again. The image of him sitting with a little girl is almost too much for me. I walk up behind her and ask if I can join them. I set her in my lap and sit next to Christian who then plays happy birthday and Aria sings along with me. She loves the special attention. He shows her a few of the keys and she follows as best as she can. Her excitement is contagious and I see how gentle and patient Christian is. He smiles at her and Aria is totally smitten with him just as I am. He looks so young and beautiful in this moment. I adore it when he smiles, it's like he doesn't have a worry in the world and he's completely who he's meant to be in that fraction of a moment, deserving of all good things and happiness. He's going to be such a great dad. _I know it._

Rania makes a few videos and takes some pictures. "Damn, Mr. One Hunnid, pulling out all the stops. Aria is definitely bringing a white boy home now." Rania laughs.

Christian gets up and takes a bow and we all cheer and clap.

**CPOV**

Dinner went off without a hitch. The real highlight though was when everyone with the exception of Kate, Elliot and Ana started to converse in French to annoy the living shit out of Ana. She groaned and threatened to ban her family from Seattle while giving what I assume were fair warnings in Urdu as well.

These women definitely know how to hold a room and I can tell that Mom and Dad were thoroughly enamored by them. The conversation flowed effortlessly since they have similar tastes and curiosities. The food was incredible and Dad couldn't get enough after profusely thanking them for going mild on the spice level. Grace is pretty much taking _all_ the date barfi home. She's so in love right now, from the food to the décor and the eastern ensembles Ana and her family are wearing; I wouldn't be surprised if Grace never left tonight. She took pictures of everything and she's been smiling non-stop. I've never really seen mom sad outside of what happened during Christmas but I've also not seen her this happy. She's always been measured with me, again those were boundaries that I had set over the years with my own behavior but now; things are different. I hug her, as much as I can, I still can't fully hug her but it's getting better. I call her a few times a week even if it's just to say hi. She's still surprised when I do but she's slowly getting used to it. Dad, Elliot and I try to get lunch but it's been a little difficult since I took over for Ros as well.

I realize this is the second time in the 8 years since I've been in Escala that they've been over for a family meal. _All because of Ana._ For the first time in years, I played the piano for someone other than myself. I slowly opened up to Ana in the recent months but then I played for her family and her niece this evening. Granted it was more for instruction, still, it came naturally. Flynn's words come to mind.

"_She will unintentionally influence you Christian. Think of it this way, say, I hated green smoothies before I met Rhiann but she loved them and even though she'd never ask me to try any but by just being in close proximity to her and seeing her drink them... I might be inclined to try some and actually like it... or it would reinforce my resolve as to how vile they are." He laughs and I smirk._

"_It's the power of unintentional suggestion. Just the mere allowance of opening yourself up to a new experience. The effect she has on you could be immediate or gradual, it depends but by your admission she's been trying to ease you into things, she realizes that this is all very new to you. She grew up with these traditions of family and affection so it's a big part of who she is and what you love most about her and she wants to include you, as much as you will allow her to. In the end it's all in your hands Christian. If you want your life to move forward then these changes will be a part of it and in the process you will learn new things about yourself. You've lived a life of intense emotional restriction, Christian. You're now free to explore what you're capable of, what your limits are and what your strengths are. This will be an education for you. Enjoy it. In the end that's what life ultimately is; an education that we pass on to future generations."_

We're sitting in the great room talking about mom's plans for Coping Together when the conversation gradually shifts to Kate and Elliot's upcoming wedding on Memorial Day weekend. They've decided to get married in Seattle in mom and dad's backyard. Cabo was proving to be too hectic.

"You know, I predicted Kate's pregnancy at the wedding if you think about it." Nani laughs.

"Thanks for that Nostradamus, a definitive timeline would've been appreciated though" Kate giggles.

"It's gonna be a girl, I know it." Ana chimes in clapping.

"It's gonna be a boy." Elliot challenges.

"Nope, it's gonna be a girl. I had a dream. I have a knack for these things. Tell him Aisha Hasan." Ana looks at Nani and she laughs and nods.

"It's true, she has the gift of the dream." Nani giggles.

"You know Nani, I thought we were supposed to go out on a date. You were giving me eyes at the wedding." Elliot smirks and we all laugh.

"Oh hell no... Aisha Hasan you need to shut this down and Elliot Grey you need to stay away from my grandmother. Go focus on your baby mama." Ana growls.

"You can take him Aisha Hasan. He's been getting on my nerves. He's _allll_ yours, girlfriend." Kate laughs and gives Nani the go ahead.

Elliot looks at Nani. "I'll pick you up tomorrow at 7?"

"It's a date." Nani winks at him much to Ana's disapproval.

"I'm banning you from Seattle. You're nothing but trouble Aisha Hasan." Ana giggles and kisses her on the cheek.

...

Aria has forgotten about my existence and is completely under Elliot's spell. I always knew he was actually a 5 year old kid stuck in a 33 year olds body. He's meant to be a dad and it'll come so easy to him. He's been throwing Aria up in the air and running after her and she's eating it up. I don't know if I'll be able to do that with my own children. To let them freely touch my chest or climb on my back for piggyback rides. There's suddenly so much to think about and I have no idea how our conversation will go tonight. Maybe we should only talk about this with Flynn. Given my meeting yesterday, my thoughts are scattered and my emotions aren't as measured as I'd like them to be. I don't want to say anything that will upset Ana.

We say goodbye to Mom and Dad and I go down the elevator with them. They continually tell me how happy they are for me. These conversations are new and still hard for me to have. I've just recently come to accept their love and support for me through Ana's eyes and even then it's still a struggle.

When I come back up, I see Kate and Elliot getting ready to leave along with Mia and Ethan. Ana's sitting on the couch with a sleeping Aria in her lap and she showers her with kisses. The image is not an easy one for me to reconcile with. Soon we head back down in the elevator to say our final goodbyes to Nita, Nani and Rania. I know how difficult these goodbyes for her. She does her best to make the most of her time with them but she misses them immensely.

"You mind if we have the kids discussion later this week?" I ask her tentatively.

"Sure, whatever you want." She squeezes my hand and gives me a small smile. We make our way up and once we're inside our bedroom I feel like I can breathe easy again. I take off my jacket and sit on the bed while she goes to change. I cradle my head in my hands and take deep breaths. Once she comes out she sits next to me.

"Christian, is everything okay? Are you feeling sick?" Ana asks full of worry.

"No baby, I just need a minute to process." I say trying to rein in my feelings. My head is pounding, not from a headache but from... _everything._

"Okay." She says quietly but I can hear the sadness in her voice. She sits next to me and rests her face on my shoulder and rubs her hand on my bicep.

"Sometimes when I see you with a baby or singing a child to sleep, even just holding them close like you did with Aria this evening... I'm overcome with these intense feelings that I've been trying to avoid my entire life."

"I'm sorry Christian, I don't mean to push any ideas of family on to you." She immediately sits up and there's a panic in her voice.

I look at her and try to go for reassurance. "No baby, that's not it. It's just feelings from my childhood, before Grace adopted me." I look down again "I have this memory where the crack whore would hum to me I think... and she held me... but then I have this memory of resting my head on her chest as she lay dead and I tried my best to wake her up but she was so cold and no one found us for days but it felt like years... I tried to keep her warm..." my voice is almost a sob.

She immediately climbs and straddles me, pulling me in close and hugs me tightly "I'm so sorry Christian. I'm so sorry, I'll never do this in front of you if you don't want me to." She cries. "I don't ever want to hurt you. I'm sorry..."

I look up to her "it's not that baby, I just look at you and wish I had that. I wish my mother has loved me like that, I wish I had memories of that. I wish I had known that love. I wish I had let Grace into my life." My throat burns and so do my eyes and I do everything to try and stop myself from crying.

She kisses me softly and hugs me again with my face buried in her neck, I'm home. I inhale her scent. _She's home. I feel at peace with her._

I start to ramble, telling her things that I've never said out loud. Memories I've tried. "She'd sometimes hold my hand when walked outside. It was rare but I remember that. I remember her baking once. I remember brushing her hair sometimes and she would braid it... I remember her giving me a bath. It smelled like "

She holds me and rubs my back, letting me talk.

She pulls back and holds my face and kisses me again and looks into my eyes. She begins to sing, her voice heavy and full of emotion.

_You say your time has come  
You're tire of waking up  
Don't be obscene,  
I can't conceive of  
Living without you  
You say you drag me down  
No one should want you now  
I start to cry,  
You kiss my eyes and say  
I'm not allowed to_

She runs her hands in my hair as she goes on.

_You were a child forgot  
Lessons of love untaught  
Now no embrace can quite replace  
The one that never found you  
I was raised tenderly_

_All that was taught to me  
I will apply,  
Your parents tried  
But they didn't know how to_

_Burning beacon in the night  
Can't feel its heat or see its lights  
That single solitary guide  
It must get lonely there sometimes_

Her voice breaks and places her hand on my heart and continues to sing and it's like a promise.

_Let me stand by you  
The honor is mine  
Let me stand by you  
Loneliest light_

I pull her in for a kiss and crush her to me. I'm at a complete loss right now. She always knows what to do, what to say to make me feel like I'm not alone in these dark feelings. She understands me. She knows me and she wants to protect me.

We hold each other for a while as I breath in her scent trying to calm my thoughts, resting my face in the crook of her neck. She kisses my cheek every now and then and rocks me.

"I love you Christian, with all that I am, I love you." She whispers in my ear.

I look up at her "Every day I have to remind myself that you're not a dream and that you're real. I am nothing with you Ana." My voice is strained and barely a whisper. She leans in and kisses me deeply.

I twist and push her down to the bed and lose myself in her. It's primal and fast and insanely quick. I climax hard and loud into her, leaving her hanging._ Fuck_... that has never happened. I've never completely lost control like that. Not since, I was an inexperienced teenager.

Ana is under me trying to catch her breath. "Baby, I'm sorry, I just..." _what the fuck do I say?_

She caresses my cheek as I pull out of her and push my pants off. "It's okay" she raises her face and kisses me.

"I just needed you, I'm sorry."

"Hey, it's okay. I'll make you pay me back with interest later and if that doesn't work out, I've got the Seattle Nooz on speed dial." She winks.

I chuckle. "I have no doubt about that Miss. Steele."

She smiles holding my face "I'm here for you Christian, whenever you need me." I nod and kiss her deeply. She lets out soft moans, I move my hand down and tease her clit and slowly insert one finger into her. She arches her back and moans louder. I fucking love it when she does that. I tease her some more and hover over her lips to watch her. "Christian, I need you inside me..." she begs.

"No baby, I want to watch you."

She continues to arch her head back and grip the duvet. I kiss her neck and move down to her breasts. Biting them and licking them, I love how it drives her insane. Soon, I start to feel her tense up and her breathing comes in quick pants, she's almost there. I move back up to kiss her lips "Come for me baby."

She cries out incoherently with her eyes shut. She's so fucking beautiful. I'm instantly hard again. Her face illuminated by the city lights pouring in as I kiss her neck. I can feel her heartbeat echo inside of her and the heat of her blood rushing through her veins. She's the most exquisite woman I've ever known.

"I fucking love to watch you come baby." I tell her as I kiss her softly. She giggles and smiles back at me.

We look into each others eyes and suddenly she climbs on top of me and pulls me up so we're sitting face to face again. I help her take off her nightgown and she kisses me deeply as she grinds on me, her wet clit rubbing against my erection. It's fucking hot. _God, she's good_. "I want more" she moans into my mouth and I feel my dick twitch. I groan as she lifts herself up and I position myself at her opening. She looks down at me as she slowly lowers herself and feeling every inch of me enter her. She slowly closes her eyes "oh fuck Christian." She pants as she throws her head back. I'm fully inside her now and it feels so fucking deep. I can feel her tighten herself around my cock as she slowly grinds in circles.

"Baby..." I groan into her breasts as I suck and bite on them.

She pulls my head back up and starts to move up and down, looking into my eyes. "Tell me you're mine Christian."

"I'm all yours Ana, only yours." I breathe into her mouth as she takes over with her tongue. She picks up speed and I meet her thrust for thrust.

"Look at me baby." I command and she immediately follows. She tries her best to keep her eyes open but I can feel the intensity building up in both of us. She keeps her eyes fixed on mine, we belong to each other completely right now.

I twist her nipple and she lets out a cry and suddenly climaxes throwing her head back, clenching down and I follow right after. I tense and let out a loud groan into her neck as I empty myself into her. I fall back to the bed and she rolls off of me and we lie side by side panting.

She turns her face to me and reaches out with her hand to play with my stubble "Mr. Grey, I think we're both thoroughly fucked, wouldn't you agree?"

I have to laugh "Yes Miss Steele, we are." She giggles. "Baby, your interest rates are really high."

"They're only high when borrowing for a hostile takeover." She quips and I let out a hearty laugh.

I turn to her "That fucking smart mouth of yours."

"You love it." She sneers.

"I fucking do." I attack her with my mouth and try to silence her before she can say anything else. She's mine. Only mine. "I love you baby but sometimes I feel like I can barely keep up with you."

"I guess that's what I get for dating an old fart." She laughs as she turns to me and I smack her ass. "Oww, asshole!" I kiss her aggressively and she runs her hands in my hair.

We lay quietly for a few minutes, just basking in the afterglow holding each other close.

She looks into my eyes and starts to speak. "Christian... if being around Emilia and Aria is too much then tell me. I don't want you to feel pressured to spend time with them or be around them."

"It's not that, Ana..." I turn to look up at the ceiling. It's a million different things that are racing through my mind.

"You can tell me, Christian." She says softly.

"This is all just very new to me. I've spent years avoiding all these emotions, I never thought I had it in me to be a parent, especially with my past, especially the recent past. The thought terrifies me. What if I'm unable to stand the touch of my own child? Kids are unpredictable and... with Aria this afternoon, she asked me to pick her up and help her on the desk. It freaked me out but she thankfully didn't touch my chest... then she touched my shoulder and I knew she was safe but still the apprehension was there." I let out a breath that I feel like I was holding in for ages.

"I understand that but Christian, when we have our own kids, it will come naturally to you. I mean even in those few minutes alone with Aria, you made her laugh and she's smitten with you, when you played the piano for her... it was the most beautiful thing. I imagined you playing with our kids and teaching them and singing to them..." She says with tears in her eyes. "Think of this as practice if anything before the real thing. I know this is all new for you and it can be overwhelming but please tell me when it gets too much... I'll pull back." She reassures me and I smile at her.

"As long as you're there, I'll be fine. I guess I'm going through growing pains too, this is all new to me and I've got a lot to process..."

She nods. "Do you want us to start trying for kids right after we get married or wait a bit?"

"To be honest, I don't know. What do you want?" I look at her.

"I've been struggling with this, I know these things have a way of happening in their own time but I was telling John recently that my biggest issue was that I hadn't achieved anything outside of just surviving my trauma. I hadn't travelled or done anything substantial with my life besides I don't want to go into motherhood to distract myself from my past traumas. I don't want them to manifest in a way where I hurt my baby. With the blackouts and hip pain... all that fucked up shit..." she takes a shuddering breath and looks away wiping her eyes.

I pull her close to me kiss her forehead. "I'll be with you every step of the way baby, I promise."

"I know you will." She looks up at me. "I thought of names the other day... just for fun I guess" she giggles.

I smile at her. "Tell me baby."

"It's just an idea, I mean I don't know how many we'll have but for a boy I thought Theodore Raymond Grey."

I chuckle. "Theo will love that. A kid named after him, he'll never shut up about it."

"Yeah, he'll definitely get a kick out of it. For a girl, I thought... Aisha Noor Grey." She looks at me with tears in her eyes.

"After you mom and grandmother?"

"Yeah, they've given me so much... they brought me back. I... I know it's just names but I want their legacy to somehow live through my kids too."

"I think that's beautiful."

"I don't mean to take over, if you like any names, please tell me."

I laugh. "I haven't really thought about this stuff so it may take me some time. Either way, I'm like what you've come up with."

She nods and gives me a small smile. "I've been talking to John about something else..."

"What baby?"

"The idea of always wanting to do stuff alone and on my own. He said that he realized it stemmed from the loss of control I felt given my... well, everything. We've been talking about my unlearning these ideas or, I guess, making me comfortable with the idea of us doing things as a team. That it didn't mean I was weak or not in control but that my life is just moving in a different direction and I could stop running and actually enjoy the process and comforts of being part of us... that I could stop letting the fear hold me back because this cycle has to break and I'm the only one who can do it."

"I want you, no Ana, I need you every step of the way with me. I can't imagine doing any of this without you my side. Just knowing that I have you in my corner makes all of this worthwhile in the most meaningful way."

She nods and buries her face in my neck. "I want to help you in any way I can... I also was thinking..." she pulls away and looks up at me. "Not to make a big announcement or anything but we don't have to wait till the 3rd quarter to get engaged."

"Anastasia, don't fuck with me right now." I look at her.

She laughs. "I'm not fucking with you Mr. Grey."

I kiss her hard. "Can you please tell me what ring you want?"

"Nope. Go talk to Kate. She knows exactly what I like."

"Why can't you just tell me?" I growl.

"It's about teaching you life lessons, Grey. Now go learn them." She giggles and kisses the corner of my mouth. "I will however tell you one thing, please under no circumstances will you plan an over the top proposal with and get on one knee. I don't know why but that is like my worst nightmare."

"Why?" I am thoroughly confused. _Don't girls like that shit?_

"I don't know, I guess it's just... I'm not into the pomp and circumstance of it all. Like, you and I have talked about it. We know we want to get married... the proposal seems... pointless I guess. Just gimme my ring and we'll call it a day." she cheers.

I can't help but snort. "Fine, I'll just give you your ring in the bathtub then."

She laughs out loud. "You remembered that? Good, I look forward to it."

* * *

**Authors Note**:We're about 6-7 chapters away from the real fireworks then we're gonna be winding this baby down. In the meantime, in addition to your overall thoughts about the chapter, I would like to hear your thoughts on what you think Jose's stripper name is. I'll share my idea for it in the next chapter.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out Chapter 63

**Music:**

Clair de Lune – Claude Debussy

Beacon - A Fine Frenzy


	64. Chapter 64

This is a transitional chapter. A few quick notes

I talk about Ramadan, the holy month of fasting for Muslims. Eid is the holiday at the end of that month. Iftar is the meal eaten at the time of sunset when breaking the fast. If anyone here is Muslim and has an issue with Ana's character, please deal with it on your own time. Everyone follows their religion differently, in the end as long as you can find your peace without actively hurting anyone else, that's all that matters

Another thing, you don't like this story and how it's stretching, well guess what, i'm President of that little club. This is my first fanfic, and it's full of mistakes. LET ME LIVE. I'm tyring to wind this up as best as I can to get to the finish line that I wrote weeks ago. So FFS, relax.

All will be revealed in due time, I promise. If this story doesn't spark any joy in your life then Marie Kondo my ass and move on. I may not be able to follow my once a week posting timeline I had originally planned, things are in flux right now and i'm trying to rearrange my life and my brain.

To everyone else, how are you? I know things in America are heartbreaking. I've been doing some soul searching and have been taking time out to go to protests and almost didn't post this chapter but realized we all need a little escape every now and then. thinking of all of you. Stay safe and as always, #blacklivesmatter.

* * *

**Chapter 64 – you have my heart**

_Monday, April 20th, 2020_

I'm pacing John's office like a mad man right now as I tell him everything, giving him a blow by blow account of the entire weekend. It takes everything in me to not unravel completely as I do.

"Christian, what is your biggest issue right now, at this very moment?" He asks as I finally take a seat

"The loss of control." I feel like things are slipping out of my hands. "It makes me feel weak."

"Do you really believe that, that you are a weak man?"

I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees as I run my hands through my hair. "I don't fucking know anymore, John. I have never been challenged like this. I'm going through a million different emotions all at once. I am really trying to maintain a level of control."

"Not having control doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. Although, having to admit that in front of someone you least expected is the shock here. Am I right?"

I don't answer. He's right though, I don't like having my ass handed to me. Yes, I've lost many a deal but personally; I've never been bested. I've also never been a situation where that could happen. That is, until I finally realized what Elena did to me. _Fucking Elena._

He takes off his glasses and places them on the table in front of him. "Christian, we've already established where you need from control stems from. So I won't go into the formative years of your life but only talk about the last 15. You have dealt with three kinds of women in your life, women who have thrown themselves at you and given you the illusion of control over them, women who have remained neutral and women who have actively told you have no control over them, want to take a guess who those women are?"

"Elena and the submissives gave me the illusion of control... and women who have wanted to date me I guess. They've all been more than willing to let me control them. "

"Ever wondered why?"

I take a deep breath. "It was never about me but what came with controlling me. The power, the money... they life..." I wave dismissively.

"Right and the neutral women or seemingly neutral at least?"

I look at him and shrug.

"Grace and Mia."

I scoff. "They are anything but neutral."

"Aren't they to some degree? Grace accepted your boundaries and never overstepped her mark and similarly you have no control over her life outside of security. Same goes for Mia. Granted her exuberance as you've stated in the past can be overbearing but still that's also her being a younger sibling and she knows her limits. She's never pushed them. Your family has always maintained the position of neutrality. There when you need them, patiently waiting for you to make the first move – a product of the precedent you set with them. They loved you and accepted you before you were Christian Grey the billionaire."

I look down at the table in front of me and study the items on it intently. My eyes run over the lines and curves of the different objects. _I see his point._ I always kept Grace at a distance and she's always accepted it. They all did. They often tried but I shut them down and they'd retreat quietly and never questioned me. She loved me unconditionally from the moment she saw me and she continues to.

I concede. "That makes sense. I've been trying to change that since I met Ana but it will take me time."

"You're making progress, that what matters most here."

I nod again.

"And the women who actively show you that you have no control over them."

I snort as run one hand through my hair. "Anastasia Steele and her family."

"You mentioned in one of our previous sessions when you came back from meeting the entire family that you felt no ill will from them. That for the first time in a very long time, outside of family you were able to have a conversation with women who weren't throwing themselves at you or had an ulterior motive."

I nod. "Yeah, I know that her family has accepted me. Their main concern is for Ana's happiness and well-being and they believe that I'm an important part of that. It was refreshing, to be seen as a source of happiness to another person on a human level rather than for what's in my bank account."

"But her grandmother as of recent has also set the terms."

I close my eyes for a few moments. "Yes."

"That makes you feel threatened?"

"I don't feel threatened, not entirely but not being allowed to have a single degree of control in a situation that could affect Ana doesn't sit well with me. "

"Christian, you have been dealing with women who have agency your entire life. The only difference is you're now dealing with women who are determined to be in control of their own destiny without interference. That is something that needs to be respected. You're just simply going to have to sit this fight out."

"But I'm a fucking Dominant, John. I am always in control. This is who _I_ am, who _I'm_ supposed to be."

"Christian, you're holding on to an illusion that was fed to you. Something that is inherently associated with a lifestyle that you no longer practice, that _you_ actively _chose_ to give up. Tell me, do you think that not being a dominant in this one aspect of your life suddenly makes you a weak man, that all men who are not dominant in personality are _weak men_?"

"Yes... I mean... _yes_ and _no_."

"Explain."

"I don't care about anyone else. I care about my identity."

"But no one out there, I'm talking about people general public here, knows you're a dominant, _that's all in your head_. Yes, in business you can have a dominant personality but it doesn't have to extend into your personal life. What you have achieved in your business and public persona in general has been because of your ability to read a room and knowing how things work. It all has to do with your intelligence and how you have used it. Look, there are many dominant personalities out there, regardless of whether they partake in the lifestyle or not, who are _complete _imbeciles. There are people who are not dominant in their personalities and are still pretty successful, even more than you are. What I'm trying to say is that, your sole purpose in life shouldn't hinge upon the identity that was cultivated and fed to you in manipulation. You can outgrow that and furthermore, with Ana, you are in a relationship of equals. You do not dominate her or her choices, not entirely that is."

I laugh. "She dominates me."

John chuckles. "Well yes, and trust me... when you're in love, the woman always dominates so get used to it."

"I guess it's the end of the road me then." I smirk.

"Sayonara, Grey." He laughs a little but then shakes his head. "No it's not. Look, you're evolving. You're being put in situations that were up until last thanksgiving completely out of your realm of possibility. Just because you don't have control in one area of your life doesn't make you a weak man. Being human and realizing your limits is not weak. We aren't meant to control everything. It's impossible. Look, you're in love with a woman who comes from a family and adopted culture that has complex nuances. It is equally difficult for her to navigate this as it is for you. This relationship of yours is forcing her to do some mental housekeeping of her own for the first time in a very long time given what she's been through. Unpacking all that and sorting through it... well, it's a lot of work but she's made progress and she's committed."

I mull over his words for a bit and sit back on the couch and look up at the ceiling and take a few moments before springing back up.

"Ana told me she's coming around to the idea of us being a team and moving forward together..."

"What do you think of that development?"

"I'm relieved but there's still a part of me that wishes she'd let me take down that piece of shit."

"Who knows Christian, in time she may ask for your help in this. Keep that door open. As a supportive partner your job should be to be there when you need her. We cannot force our loved ones to accept our help. You both have your share of complexities. Your paths to finding peace with what you've been through are different. It's never smooth sailing but the biggest thing you both have got going is your commitment to each other. You both want to come out of this on the other side and have a fulfilled life. This part is hard but you're working towards the end goal and it is in sight."

* * *

Tuesday, April 28th, 2020

Barney and Welch, dedicated their every waking moment of their lives to going over all GEH servers and upgrading our security and it was, however, ultimately realized that no one had hacked into our systems. Every now and then there are some punks who try to hack into GEH servers but they turn out to be random kids wanting to get noticed. However, last week there was an aggressive attempt to get in. When we tried to trace the source it lead us nowhere and everywhere with a bot running its requests through a series of proxy servers across several locations. Nani's comment immediately made sense, it wasn't that she had hacked into our servers but wanted to warn us.

I get lost in thought looking out of the window trying not to dwell on it any further and follow Flynn's advice.

I hear a knock on my door and I roll my eyes. I know it's Ana, she just texted asking if she could come up. I wish she would just walk in but still does this.

"How can I help Miss Steele?" I smirk. She's walks in with a excited energy unable to control her giggling. Her cheeks are as pink as her dress at the moment.

"I've got gossip." She claps her hands like a little girl as she drags the chair closer to my table and rests her elbows on them.

I chuckle. "What's the gossip Miss Steele?"

"Okay, so I need you to listen with boyfriend ears and not CEO ears." She sasses but doesn't smile. Her blue are wide and willing me to concede to her.

"Okay fine."

"No, I need you to say it."

I roll my eyes and smirk. "I will only listen with boyfriend ears."

"Good... because this is, like _really good_." And she's off. Barney and his girlfriend Emily, who he worked so hard to woo... took the sucker four months to get the nerve to ask her out, broke up with him in early March because her ex came back into town and she realized she still had feelings for him. Needless to say, Barney took it pretty hard. He returned to his 'insufferable hoodie' ways as Ana calls it. However, she remained on his case, checking in on him every now and then and making sure he got didn't completely abandon all the hard work she'd put in when it came to his makeover. Late last week, Barney met Ana in her new office to set up her new office computer along with a new laptop with encryption so she could work from home if need be and still log into GEH servers securely.

"So Jose and Val are walk in and Barney is standing at my desk with his back to the door while we're talking and Val is stunned by the view for some reason cranes her neck around him and mouths 'who's that?' and immediately my brain goes 'ding ding ding!" she taps her temple with her index finger and it's so cute how invested she is. "...So I'm like, oh hey Barney, meet my friends Jose from legal and Valerie from acquisitions, guys this is Barney. He runs IT and R&D at GEH. Jose gives his usual handshake and nod and takes his lunch over to the couch and Val, _DARLING VAL,_ was stunned, Christian. I have never seen Valerie Anne Clarke react to a man like that. I could swear, Barney held on to her hand a smidge longer." She giggles.

"Wasn't Val dating someone?"

"Marco? Oh he's toast. Didn't pass the test."

"What test?" _This I want to know._

"You haven't graduated that level of girl talk yet." She smirks.

"I want to know." And I suddenly realize I sound Elliot.

"I'll tell you in a couple of years... now stop interrupting story time." She groans, I laugh and motion for her to continue. "SO, I just went down to 16th to say hi to Barney and I walk into his office and saw him and Val getting really friendly, if ya know what I mean..." She wiggles her eyebrows." So I quickly spun around before they could clock me and ran to Jose's office."

"Wait, you told Jose first?" I ask feigning irritation.

"I can't keep the Queen waiting, Christian. Remember, he's CEO of the gossip pool." She intones and I roll my eyes.

"Any way, so I'm telling him and guess what he said?"

"I can never guess what Jose says."

"He goes, 'if he can turn that bish's tunnel into a rubble then it's about god damn time, I'm sick of her bitching and moaning about Seattle not having any good dick."

We both burst out laughing and she almost falls out of her chair. I soon see tears falling out of her eyes as she tries to control herself.

"So Barney and Val? If they're Barney and Betty, what does that make us?" I ask.

"Given how fucking cute we are, Pebbles and Bam Bam. I mean it's the only obvious choice." We both laugh again.

"Still, I didn't know Barney had it in him. He's a good kid but hopeless as shit."

"Yeah, I know... but our very own Barnard James, II has got a new girlfriend. I have never seen Val act like this. Yesterday she was all dazed and smiley, not that she told us why. I have seen Valerie _BARELY_ smile when she was the last two guys... or maybe the last two were just such a snooze. Can you imagine how cute their babies will be? I can't wait for them to get married." She claps.

"You rush everyone to the aisle and fucking delivery room but us." I grumble.

"UM, HELLO, I totally said we can get engaged and I already told you our babies names." She rolls her eyes and giggles. "So where my ring, huh?"

"I know, baby... and I love that you want to see the best in everyone."

I've already spoken to Kate about Ana's ring. I took her out to lunch at the Mile High Club with Elliot last week and got all the details I needed. The ring Kate showed me was incredibly simple and unique but also perfectly representative of Ana. _A unique girl who loved the simple things in life_. She loves sapphires and while talking to the Trevelyan family jeweler he told me the best sapphires in the world come from Kashmir, Sri Lanka and Burma along with a long list of other countries but I told him to make sure the sapphire he used was sourced from Kashmir instead. I know Ana will appreciate the gesture since it will honor her grandmother and mother in a small way. The ring will be ready before Memorial Day weekend but I've already got a plan in the works for the proposal. She will never see it coming.

"I really hope it works out. They're both good people and if they really get together then we have another trusted member to join our little group." She smiles.

"Let's see how it goes." I stand up and take off my jacket but before I sit down she walks over and gives me a hug, burying her face in my chest.

"Don't worry, ima give you allll the deets, Grey. I'll find out soon enough. I'll give you the watered down version though. Can't have you keeling over, given your old age." She murmurs and holds me tight.

"What's wrong baby?"

"Nothing, just wanted a hug. I'm feeling a little tired now."

I ask her what's wrong and she tells me that she gets a little sleepy around lunch time when fasting but that it only lasts about 30 minutes and then she gets into her flow state and becomes really focused, powering through a shit ton of work till about 6pm after which she starts feeling tired again. We move to the couch where she cuddles with me and I kiss her forehead and she closes her eyes for a bit.

"Baby, do you really have to fast? I don't like the idea of you not eating or drinking water."

"Christian, I know you worry but I'm fine. I've been doing this since I was 12 remember, and it really helps me mentally. The first couple of days were hard but now I'm used to it. I just wanted a hug from my man cause my energy level dipped a little. It's hard work laughing and making imaginary plans for friends." She giggles.

"How much time do you have?"

"About another 20 minutes till I have to go back."

"Good, then stay here and take a quick power nap." I tell her and hold her close burying my nose in my hair while I kiss it.

"Thank you, for letting me do this."

"Do what baby?"

"Letting me rest my head here and trusting me. I like listening to your heartbeat. It makes me feel safe." She says in a small voice.

I tip her head back and look into her eyes. She gives me a shy smile. I give her a chaste kiss and stroke her cheek.

"I'll always keep you safe, Ana."

She nods and lays her head again on my chest, while I rub her back. Pretty soon she's out like a light.

* * *

Thursday, May 14th, 2020

**APOV**

Ever since the family dinner, a few weeks ago; things have been in overdrive. Mr. Travis finally found an assistant he thinks will be a good fit. He's still a bit of a sourpuss about things but I promised him I could help out in an emergency if need be. I officially start working on the 20th floor in June. Till then, I have to help the new assistance with training and then Christian insisted I take two weeks off. The week of Kate's wedding and the week after. Why? I have no idea. It's not like I need it. I just rolled my eyes at him and agreed. I most definitely will not be taking off two weeks. That's ridiculous.

I've been interviewing assistants of my own and it's been weird. I've never had an assistant but I knew what I was looking for and for some reason I wasn't able to find it from the candidates HR was sending my way. I reached out to an old SIP colleague, Hannah Williams. We had gotten along really well before SIP bit the dust. She'd been there about a year and half and loved every minute of it. Her heart is in publishing but after SIP the competition was just too much and relocating would've cost too much for her. She still hadn't been able to get a job in the same field and was working in customer service at an insurance company as of late. I asked if she'd consider working with me at GEH in Philanthropy. She jumped at the chance and after an initial interview with HR and background check, she's set to be my assistant starting June. I'm excited. I won't be the only one in the trenches trying to figure this out, we can learn together and do some good.

I've had meetings with Grace and detailed phone calls with Mama to get a sense of how I want to approach all this. It's definitely been an education but I think I'm slowly figuring it out. Christian likes my ideas so far. He's given me carte blanche to do whatever but I told him there's no way I'm just throwing money at random organizations, I want his input and to be somewhat involved every now and then.

Ramadan has been interesting so far. I spend most of my lunch hours at the NICU cuddling adorable babies. Sometimes, I'll head up to Christian's office for a power nap but mostly I've been keeping busy. I've got a routine down. I'm alone a lot given Christian's schedule but it's okay. I keep myself occupied and given the Ramadan schedule, I'm usually in bed by 9:45pm because I have to wake up again to 3am to eat before the morning prayer and then I take another nap from 4:30 to 7am.

Christian, while not entirely happy with my engaging in 14-15 hour fasts with no food and water, has otherwise been supportive. It was hilarious when I suggested a 30 day sex fast and he damn near expired before I finished the sentence. He quickly googled that fact and read the sex was only prohibited during the fasting hours, and that my little joke was not appreciated. I made it up to him and soon it was all forgotten. Still, I'll never forget the look on his face.

It's not lost on me that I'm not a typical Muslim when it came to the fundamentals. I don't pray often. I'm living with a man before marriage and having waaay too much pre-marital sex. I'm also marrying someone outside of my faith. Christian and I talked about this recently and I told him that my faith was a personal choice that I never intended to impose on anyone. He doesn't believe in God and that's okay. Majority of our core values align and that was enough for me. I made the choice to convert when I was kid. It was never forced on me but more that I was inspired to. In the end my relationship with my faith and God was my own. As long as it brought me peace and gave me a sense of direction, that's all that mattered in the end. I do whatever I can and I try to do my best while doing it.

I don't fast everyday, there are some days when I don't wake up in time to eat before the morning prayer so that ends up being an off day for me. Christian's been incredibly respectful. It's was cute when he asked if he could try it out too but I said that in the interest of GEH not burning to the ground, it'd be best if not indulge in the practice of fasting. A hangry Christian is not someone I want or anyone else to meet. Still, he makes it a point to spend Iftar with me whenever he can and it means the world to me, even when on some occasions I've been a wretched gremlin right before it's time to break the fast.

* * *

_FLASHBACK_

_Friday, May 8__th__, 2020_

"_You've barely said a word." Christian asks and I can hear the concern in his voice. I love him for it but I'm also supremely irritable right now._

"_Yeah, just a little tired." I'm tired and I'm hungry. Today was a bitch and half. Some days, fasting is really hard and it hits me how privileged I am, now even more so and it makes grateful for all I have in life. During the four years at college, Ramadan would be a lonely time. Kate once tried fasting with me in solidarity but at the end of the fast the very first day it almost resulted in a murder-suicide for both of us. It really wasn't for her but she'd try to spend iftar with me on some days or take me out to dinner once a week. I try to focus on my breathing and continue prepare the dates and cut some fruit, while I sit next to him at the breakfast bar._

"_Will you fast on Sunday, Mia is cooking mother's day brunch at Mom and Dad's."_

"_Yeah, she told me. She asked me to bring a dessert and no, I won't fast." I say and then quickly realize I'm wearing a scowl on my face and on cue I hear my stomach rumble._

"_I heard that." He laughs._

"_I'm sure all of Seattle did." I grumble._

"_You should really let Gail do this for you. I don't know why you insist of doing this yourself after such a long day." He asks as he sips on his wine._

_For some reason that sets me off because he keeps repeating this. I told him before to chill out and honestly, not that Christian really knows this but I really want Taylor to get Gail down the aisle and for that a sister needs date night often. Plus, I really like cooking, it keeps me grounded and it's like having some control in my life where everything is done for me. It makes me feel normal. I take a deep breath and turn to him. "Look, I love you... like really love and adore you but for the next..." I pick up my phone and check the time. "...for the next 25 minutes, I need you to just stay silent. Don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't even breathe. I need complete silence till I can eat something and return to being a normal and agreeable human being. Capiché?" _

_He bursts out laughing and I growl while releasing a breath. _

"_So this is Gremlin Ana?" He says trying to control his laughter and it makes me laugh too._

"_I don't like you, infidel. Go away." I grumble and he laughs even louder._

_FLASHBACK ENDS_

* * *

I've been making some of my favorite South Asian treats to eat every now and then to slowly introduce him to how I grew up doing Ramadan with Nita and Nani. So far, he's liked everything. His favorite has been the almond and cashew filled dates with cream and/or dipped in chocolate with a helping of fruit salad that I make in addition to a small fried treats of fritters made with potatoes and onions that I love to eat with chili garlic sauce. I don't make treats often but since it's his first time experiencing it with me, I'm pulling out all the stops.

Grace and Carrick stopped by one evening for Iftar on a whim. She brought her famous pot roast and garlic mashed potatoes, while I made some potato fritters and fried some vegetable samosas along with dates and the fruit salad and almond halwa. Carrick loved every second of it while Grace kept count and reminded him of his cholesterol. It was wonderful having them over. Christian has started to relax a bit and enjoy the unscheduled visits from family. They feel more at ease now too, since I enable their unscheduled visits.

Preparations for Kate and Elliot's wedding are in full swing. Kate is completely hands off, she's too tired to plan anything but her wedding planner is on point so at this point, all of us just need to show up and look pretty while we party the day and night away. We had originally planned for the co-ed bachelor party in Vegas but Kate hasn't been feeling so great and not being able to fully party and get shit-faced is something she's not going to have fun missing out on. So Jose and I have planned a luxurious spa day at the Fairmont followed by a fancy ass dinner at the Mile High Club after which we'll go dancing at the Secret Garden next Saturday. The guys will join us too so we'll see how it all goes. Then on Sunday we have brunch with Grace and Grandma Margot where we'll have a NSFW bridal shower. I know Margot will love it but poor Grace, I'm not sure she's ready to wear a penis necklace. _Jose is going to get me killed._

Barney and Val are going strong. A day after I walked in on them, not that they noticed, thank God... Jose and I cornered Val in the fire stairs during lunch time and demanded to know everything and Val giggled... _GIGGLED like a schoolgirl._ Jose and I looked at each other in absolute shock. Apparently, Barney is willing to be adventurous in bed and Val has found her happy place, quite literally. After meeting him in my office that day, she went down to 16th the next day at lunch time and straight up asked him out and now we're here. I did warn them both separately to not break the other's heart. I really hope they end up together for real.

My sessions with John have been increasingly intense. I see him twice a week and we have a call once a week. I've been having dreams that don't make sense. Just little flashes here and there but again, none of it makes sense. Some sessions it feels like we've taken a club to the last 7 years of my life and smashed it to pieces and we're now trying to see how to piece it back together and other times I'm unable to articulate what I'm feeling. I end up having intense dreams some nights. Christian will wake me up and I won't make sense to him because I'm speaking in Urdu. In some instances I actively cry out, like I'm in pain and in some I just quietly whimper. He holds me close after episodes like this and I quickly fall asleep again but the day that follows isn't great.

One night I had a somewhat calmer dream. It confused the hell out of me and I woke up crying, thankfully Christian didn't wake up but I snuck out of bed and went to the library and cried my heart out. Christian ended up finding me a little while later and held me.

* * *

_I open my eyes and I look up at the bright blue sky. I realize I'm in SF in the backyard. _

"_You dozed off there for a while." Nani laughs._

"_Sorry." I mumble smiling as I sit up right._

"_I got some tea made and there's some apples and oranges."_

_I proceed to drink the tea and start peeling the oranges. We're sitting on the sheet laid out on the grass and catching up. I suddenly notice something in my periphery and see that it's Nana walking towards us, except, he's not he's not his old self but a younger version of who he was. He looks handsome. _

"_Mind if I join you beautiful ladies?" he asks with a genuine smile. I'm slightly taken aback. He has never complimented me, at least not in this way. The most he's ever said to me is MasAllah in appreciation as he placed his hand on my head while greeting him. There was never a proper acknowledgement that I looked pretty and I was strangely okay with that. _

"_Are you here to spy on us?" Nani sneers._

"_Just making sure all is well." He laughs._

_I give him a small smile and he sits down with us. He starts to peel oranges with me while Nani shares her tea with him. They talk about different things. I don't participate much but listen intently. Most of conversation takes place in Urdu._

"_You know Aana, when I first met Aisha she didn't give me the time of day." He teases. I look at him wide-eyed. Playful Nana barely ever addressed me when he was alive so this is a little weird. _

"_She's always told me it was love at first sight." I blurt out._

"_Good job, Aana. All these years I've kept him guessing and you just ruined all that." She lightly facepalms but smiles as she does. I giggle and Nana laughs._

"_I knew it. You wanted me." He winks at her._

_Nani rolls her eyes and throws an orange peel at him. I look at them both laughing and I sit confused. Why is he here?_

"_I'm confused." I say to him._

"_What is confusing?"_

"_You are. You've always kept me at arms length and now you're here. Why?" I say with a little more force that I intended to._

_He looks down and his lips form into tight line as he searches for his next words. _

"_I should probably get going. I've taken too much of your time. Aisha, I'll see you soon." He starts to get up and I jump up too._

"_No, you need to tell me. Please." I plead and grab his hand._

_He stops and turns to me then leans to kiss my forehead. "None of that matters, just remember how strong you are. Promise me that you will remember that." He looks down at me and smiles._

_Tears form in my eyes and soon his face blurs out and I see him walk away from us and soon he disappears from view as he turns around the corner towards the front yard._

* * *

One thing John mentioned to me is that I let men who had were chose me and were a significant part of my life; essentially define my self-worth. Again, it's not that the chose me more like the accepted me as part of a packaged deal.

Ray accepted me because I was part of Carla's life. This was a positive experience that I no longer have access to.

Nana accepted me, well... I don't know if he really ever accepted me but again, I came with Ray and Nita made it clear that she was making me a part of her life. This was a fairly neutral experience.

Vishaal accepted me as a part of Nita's life and then... well, we all know how that story ended. This is my negative experience that rears it's ugly head every now and then.

When I put forth the argument that Christian chose me, John quickly countered that I also chose him. I chose to be with him, that he was the first man that I as an individual chose to make a part of my life in a profound way even though I tried to initially fight it given my issues with self-esteem. Christian may have noticed me and wanted to be with me but that wouldn't have been completely possible had I not chosen to be with him in return. For the first time I got to exercise my choice. Except, with that choice came all the residual frustrations and anger that I pour out in my fights with him and that this is why therapy was essential because in any disagreements or fights that we have, I take out all my frustrations and unresolved issues from my past experiences and hit him with full force.

My defense mechanism of running away is still prevalent. While I don't physically pick up and leave, when I shut down and lock myself up in my room, I'm essentially running away. I can't help it. It's the only way I feel safe. I need things that are mine; I need to be surrounded by some semblance of something that is _only_ mine. John said I was 'othering' in a way, that I wasn't fully accepting my life with Christian and keeping one foot out the door. While, yes it was completely normal to have a space that was my own; it certainly did not mean I should use it to shut him out or run away from him. If I've accepted the premise of a life with him then when we fight, I shouldn't let it fester for days but work to actively resolve it so we can move forward.

I have my bad habits, I know. I need to change them and I'm trying but it's hard. Anytime I'm hit with conflict my first response is to shutdown so I don't feel the hurt. It's like the walls come crashing down and I need to quickly find an exit so I don't completely lose myself.

When I ran away to Portland, I sought to reinvent myself but I didn't really do that, or maybe I did. All I know is that my head has been heavy ever since I've been trying to make sense of all this in therapy and it's not easy. It's brutal because I'm met with more self-loathing and regret that I let this fester for too long, that I don't have the courage to face my demons head on.

It's led to some intense and honest conversations with Christian in the past few weeks and it's brought us closer. We both realize that our issues of control and identity are central to why we fight. We both want control in different forms. This is what our manipulations did to us and we have to move past it. I've got my work cut out for me but for the first time, I finally see how my life can really be and as scary as this all is, I need to be in a better place if I'm going to at all deal with all the shit that will implode once the Will is read because if I'm not in a good place then my relationship with Christian will suffer tremendously as well.

"What's that baby?" Christian brings me out of my reverie as I stare at the box in front of my on the dining table.

I look at it and try to find my words. "Um... " I'm suddenly having trouble forming a coherent thought after all this thinking. "...Sorry, this... um, Nani sent this. It's my Eidi."

"What's that?"

"Eidi is my gift for Eid. She has this tradition that she gets clothes made for all the men and women in the family and sends them in these beautifully gift wrapped boxes with matching bangles and some henna for the girls. I've gotten a box like this every year since Nita married Dad." I tell him.

I unwrap the box and find a beautiful embroidered shalwar kameez with a printed chiffon scarf and plain pink bangles along with a tube of henna. I pull out the shirt and hold it against me. It's white with light blue and pink thread work with a lace panel that had embroidered roses on it.

"It looks beautiful." He says. I slowly nod and put it back in the box.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Something's on your mind. Talk to me baby." He leans in to give a small kiss as his thumb traces shapes on my cheek.

He's right. There is something on my mind and it makes my heart heavy.

"I have feeling this will be the last time that Eid will be like this. After the 3rd quarter, we won't or more so I won't be able ever celebrate anything like this because I will tear the family apart."

"Hey... look at me. You're not doing anything wrong. You've suffered long enough. They all need to know the truth. They deserve to know."

I silently nod. "I know... but the gravity of what this years holiday means isn't lost on me. This is the first Eid since Nana's death, I know Nani misses him a lot along with Nita and then next year it will be fractured."

He pulls me in for a hug and I melt into him. "Will everyone be there?"

"Yep, no one misses Eid. Uncle Arsh will fly in from India and Uncle Rish and Alia Khala will be there too so you'll officially meet them in boyfriend capacity. Uncle Rish has a habit of making really corny dad jokes so just take them in stride and Alia Khala is a little too enthusiastic so she might try to make you eat a lot but don't worry, I'll try to keep her at bay." I laugh. Christian is definitely not ready for the full force of Alia Khala.

"Thanks for the heads up, baby." He chuckles.

"Look, you honestly have an out. I know with Kate and Elliot's wedding on Saturday and then flying out for Eid the next day for just a couple of hours in SF only to fly back the same night to will be hectic... not to mention taking out the boat the day after for Memorial day."

"No, I want to experience this with you and I don't want you going there alone when you don't have to. You did it for 4 years, not anymore." He says with finality while looking into my eyes. "Besides, I want to hear more embarrassing stories about you. I'm sure Rish and Alia have some."

I roll my eyes. "Dream on, Grey."

We take a bath and end up in bed. Most of it is a blur to me since I'm so tired. Christian starts to shower me with kisses all over my face and neck making me giggle.

"Mr. Grey, this tickles."

"Deal with it Miss Steele. It's been a shitty week and I need my fill of you." He growls.

"Work getting to you?"

"A little bit. I can't wait till Ramadan is over and you're officially working on 20th."

"What am I, a stress ball?"

"Was there any doubt?" He smirks.

"I knew it. You're just using me for my body. Perv." I laugh and wrap my arms around his neck, entwining my legs in his.

"Freak." he says and he kisses me hard. "No but it'll be nice to be able to walk into your office to take a breather when shit is hitting the fan."

"I'll hold up the umbrella, Mr. Grey." I give him a small kiss.

"Isn't that a song or something? Mia used to the sing the shit out of it way back when..."

"You know how old you sound when you say that?" I laugh and he lightly bites my jaw. "I used to love it too and Ray would hate it because I would turn it up and go ella ella ellaaaaa with my horrible squeaky voice." I giggle.

"I sympathize with him completely." He smirks.

* * *

**Authors Note**: Memorial day weekend adventures are up next with Kate and Elliot's wedding and Eid in SF

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ Chapter 64

**Music: **

_Umbrella - Rihanna._


	65. Chapter 65

I'm dedicating this chapter to **Ana Sofia**. She's had a rough couple of days... so love, this chapter is for you. I hope you feel better. For those of you who have grandparents and haven't talked to them in a while, call them and tell them you love them, in fact any loved one... just call them and say hi.

More in the authors note at the bottom. I hope you all are well.

* * *

**Chapter 65 – Meet me back at Ocean Beach**

Saturday, May 23rd, 2020

**APOV:**

I've always loved weddings, well south Asian weddings that is; since that's what I've mostly been exposed to. I had lots of fun at Rania's wedding but I still couldn't really be myself given that I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Kiran's wedding will always be memorable for obvious reasons but with all the planning and back and forth and dealing with Vishaal, I know I was insanely tired to really enjoy myself. Which is why Kate's wedding journey is something I'm really enjoying being a part of. I feel at ease, I feel present and relaxed.

This is Christian's first experience ever at being best man and being fully involved in a wedding in general, and he has struggled a bit but Jose offered to help out here and there. Still, watching Christian navigate this has been thoroughly entertaining for me. I told him he deserved a gold star for being such a trooper but he just rolled his eyes at me. _I should really be allowed to spank him too when he does that._

The theme for Kate and Elliot's backyard wedding has been a boho-desert vibe. It all seems to have come together and looks amazing.

Kate opted to go for a very simple, backless, silk white gown with spaghetti straps. It's a high fashion, effortless look. Our bridesmaids dresses are emerald green but in different styles while all the guys wore tuxes.

I knew that Kiran was going to be a bridesmaid given that Kate was one at her wedding then Elliot was obviously going to have Daniel as a groomsmen so as soon as the wedding date was finalized, I decided to call Kiran and start talking to her again to make today eventually less awkward. We had been texting here and there but it'd been a long while since we really had talked.

She was thrilled to hear from me and told me she missed me and apologized again. I felt a little guilty for not feeling the same way. Yes, I did miss her... but it's mostly nostalgic than realistic. She still wants to know about my relationship with Christian and I've again, told her the bare minimum. I'm never going to be able to trust her with the level of girl talk that she trusts me with. I used to feel guilty about it but through my sessions with Flynn, I'm starting to feel better about the choices I'm making when it comes to certain family members. It's a work in progress.

Karan flew in Friday afternoon for Kate and Elliot's wedding and has been staying with us at Escala and will fly with us to SF tomorrow on the jet. While Kate and him became friends because of his few visits to Portland to meet me, it was also an added bonus that Karan and Tony were able to offer them a good deal on the lease for when Kavanagh Media was looking to relocate their headquarters in downtown Atlanta into one of their own buildings. Although Tony was also invited, he decided not to come given Kiran's attendance and attitude in general. It's always been tense between the Kapadia cousins and it's honestly fucking stupid but here we are. For the most part Kiran will tolerate Karan because Daniel was friends with him before Vishaal came into the picture and then eventually Kiran. So technically, Karan is reason why Kiran and Daniel even met. Nani, Nita and Rania were also invited but given that today is the last fast of Ramadan and tomorrow is Eid. It would've been too hectic for them.

Kiran, Val, myself, Mia and Kate's cousin Iris are bridesmaids with Christian, his cousin Thomas, Daniel, Jose and Ethan as groomsmen.

I decided to keep my makeup minimal by just wearing some eyeliner and getting my hair done in soft waves.

CG: When do I get to see you?

AS: Never.

CG: Anastasia.

AS: Yes, sir?

CG: You're not playing fair.

AS: I learned from the best ;)

Once Kate and Elliot have had their first look, the wedding planner signals us to go and meet with the groomsmen to get some group pictures taken before the ceremony since it's happening at golden hour and we'll be heading straight into the reception after that.

I have, what I imagine is the biggest and goofiest smile on my face when I finally see Christian. I can't help it, I feel like a giddy teenager who can't stop giggling as we walk behind everyone to get our pictures taken.

"Miss Steele, let's ditch this wedding and go have a party of our own." He leans and whispers in my ear making me laugh.

"They'll murder us, Mr. Grey... but we can party when we get home." I look up and wiggle my eyebrows making him chuckle.

"You look so beautiful, where's this from?" he points and runs his finger across the indian choker I'm wearing with emeralds.

"Nani got this made for me when it was Rania's wedding. She sent it over with my Eid clothes since I keep all my expensive jewelry under lock and key with them."

"Well, I really like this and it's giving me ideas." He smirk.

I narrow my eyes at him trying to suppress a smile. "Do I want to know what these ideas are?"

"I think you have a fairly good idea of what I mean Miss Steele." He leans to kiss me and bite my lip.

_God dammit, now I'm a wet mess._

* * *

Christian is first up to make the best man speech. He looks so at ease as he walks on to the floor. He asked if I had written my speech and I told him that I didn't, I always preferred to speak off the cuff and that knew what I wanted to say anyway. He silently nodded but said he'd like to write something down just to see how it sounded.

"Ladies and gentleman, thank you all for coming to celebrate this special day in my brother's life. Honestly, I'm surprised we're even here." He ends with a smirk and we all laugh and I just want to run up to him and give him a kiss. He looks so freaking handsome and I want to have my way with him. It should be illegal for him to wear a tux in public.

"Keep it family friendly, little brother or I'll kick your ass." Elliot yells from his seat.

"Careful Lelliot, I know too many of your secrets." He winks. "First, I'd like to say thank you to my parents. Thank you for choosing us, loving us and striving to give us the best in life. We wouldn't be here without your love and support. You both have been dedicated not only to making sure we had the best of everything but also community around you." He nods in their direction and I see Grace wipe her face as Carrick kisses her cheek in adoration and we all clap for them.

Once the applause dies down he starts to speak again. "I'd also like for everyone to note the date and time because what I'm about to say... I will never, ever repeat again." He smirks.

"QUICK! Someone record this." Elliot yells again and earns a slap on the arm from Kate and we all laugh.

"Truth be told, I found Elliot pretty annoying when we were kids which is why I beat him up so much." This illicits a roaring laugh from the room. I'm so proud of my man, I've taught him well. I get a text from Karan telling me I look like a lovesick fool. I quickly send him a tongue out emoji.

"... but as annoying as he was, he was always there for Mia and myself. I wasn't the easiest kid to be around but Elliot remained dedicated. He's been the comic relief, mostly at my expense but needless to stay he has always been the bridge in the family. In these past couple of months, I've seen a completely different side to Elliot. A side that was always there but I never took the time to see before. Sometimes, it's hard to accept the love of our loved ones but Elliot is patient as they come. In the few times that I have needed him, he has never let me down. He's given me solid advice which again, did not think was possible since I'm the brains in the family." He chuckles and we all clap. "But truth be told, Elliot is the heart of our family and Mia is the joy." I look to Mia and she's bawling like a baby, which makes me cry.

_Holy hell, Christian Grey is killing it._

"Truth be told, I'm in awe of Elliot. The way he holds a room and how at ease he can make everyone feel. I could never understand it but as of recent I have and it's inspiring." He pauses for a few moments. "I know I've never said this to you, but I'm honored that you are my brother and as of late, I have learned a lot from you." I look at Elliot and his face is stunned and the emotion on his face is evident.

"Katherine, welcome to our family. To be honest, I never thought I'd see the day that Elliot Grey would get married but then again, only a woman like you could flip his world on its head. It's as if he'd been waiting for you all these years." She nods and gives Christian a genuine smile. "I know you and I have had our disagreements here and there but for the most part I've come to understand it's because we're similar when it comes to protecting the people we love. Thank you for making my brother happy but also, being an incredibly loyal and steadfast friend to the woman I love. Your devotion to our happiness is something I will never be able to forget or repay. I have no doubt that you and Elliot will be a exceptional parents and I for one am excited for this new chapter in your lives."

_GREAT! Now I'm an emotional mess._

"Just, don't expect me to babysit unless Ana is present. I'm still learning." He smiles at them and we lock eyes for a second and I blow him a kiss. _I'm so proud of him._

"A toast to my brother and sister in law, may you both always be this happy and in love. I wish you the best in everything."

We all raise our glass and cheer.

**CPOV**

As the applause dies down, I see Ana walk in my direction towards the middle of the floor to take the mic from me. She mouths an _I love you_ giving me a peck on the lips before I leave to go and hug Elliot and Kate.

"I love you, bro." Elliot whispers with a strained voice when I hug him.

"I love you too, Lelliot.".

_I don't think I've ever said that to him but it felt right to say it. _

By the time I get to my seat, she clears her throat and begins to speak. "Ladies and gentleman, Christian Grey making us catch the feels... my, my." She fans herself and I roll my eyes while everyone claps and laughs.

"Good evening everyone, I'm Ana, Kate's best friend and Maid of Honor tonight. I'm going to start with first talking about Elliot followed by Kate... cause ya know, gotta save the best for last." She snickers and everyone laughs.

"I see how it is." Elliot calls out.

She waves her hand dismissively at him and continues. "So, I met Elliot in Cabo at my cousin's co-ed bachelor party. When I first saw him, I thought to myself 'damn... he cute.'" Everyone cheers and laughs. "BUT THEN I remembered, I'm not into blondes, so I passed him off to Kate." She spins around and winks at Elliot.

"Whatever, I'm not into brunettes." Elliot hits back and Ana rolls her eyes as she giggles.

"Anyway... so I saw both Kate and Elliot giving each other eyes... I mean I knew what was going on so I did what any good friend would do... I kept them apart for a whole month till the wedding." She looks pretty pleased with herself.

"YOU DID WHAT?" Clearly, this is news to Elliot who's looking completely shocked.

"Stop. Interrupting. Story. Time." She enunciates while we all laugh and I hear a few boos in the room. "Hold up, did you all just boo me? That's it. No dessert and party favors for any of you. This party is over... time to go home. See ya!" she playfully scolds and laughs. I look around the room and just like Kiran's wedding they're all hanging on her every word.

"No, but I promise there is a method to my madness. You see, not only was I maid of honor at my cousin's wedding but also playing hostess to a three day, 250 person Indian wedding. Elliot was the best man and _IF_... I had let them gotten together and things went south during that month before the wedding then... I'd be stuck not only hating on him because well, he was my arch nemesis for the weekend anyway but if he broke my girl's heart... well girl code dictates that I would've had to murder him and let me tell you, I didn't want all that drama in my backyard on a 3 day wedding weekend. Plus orange isn't a cute look on me." She sasses and again the room is filled with laughter.

"So technically, I did you both a favor cause look where we are. You waited a month and now... here we are. _YOU ARE WELCOME_." She takes a bow and giggles making us all clap. "Okay but on a serious note, when I first met Elliot, aside from thinking he was easy on the eyes, I immediately realized that he was a gentleman. He was kind, funny and most of all; he made my girl laugh in a way that I hadn't seen before... oh, and that he and I are on the same wavelength when it comes to crass joke and dirty memes." She giggles. "In addition to that, I admire how much he adores his family and values them. His devotion to his parents and siblings is nothing short of inspirational. He always shows up and is always smiling. In the few months that I have known him, he has become an integral part of my life and I am so honored that I can be part of such an important milestone in yours. You have shown me compassion and given me incredible advice in my time of need but most of all; you have brought out a light in Kate that I have been waiting to see. Something that I knew only her soul mate could bring out in her. You are everything that I could have ever wanted for Kate because she only deserves the best and you are just that." Her voice wavers and she smiles back at them and on cue applause fills the room.

"For those of you who know Katherine Victoria Kavanagh, you'll know that she only has three settings; one, she's in your face and threatening your life. Two, she's ignoring you or three, she's either laughing at you or very seldom, with you."

"Actually, she has a fourth setting but I'll shut up about that." Elliot laughs like a frat boy just as Kate smacks him up the head making us all lose it.

"See, I set that up for him and he caught it. That's what I was talking about, we're on the same wavelength." Ana laughs and they air high five and I roll my eyes laughing.

_Juveniles._

"... _any way_, everything that Kate does comes from a place of love. She has the heart of a protector. I met her on my third day of college... and..." she pauses for a few moments. "I'm not gonna cry. _I AM NOT GOING TO CRY_." She laughs looking up trying to hold back tears but she fails and continues to speak as she cries.

"... Kate barely knew me but in my loneliest hour... she gave me a mother's love, a sister's embrace and most of all, the promise of true friendship. She taught me how to use my voice again and speak up for myself. She taught me to believe in my self and realize that I was worthy of love. She devoted her time to my wellbeing and helped me rebuild. This is how I know that you will be an amazing wife and mother because you always give it your all no matter what. Words cannot describe how essential you are to me. I am eternally in your debt and my wish for you is that you are always happy and in love; that you both always see the light within each other... I can't wait for us to grow old, watching our babies grow as they become best friends or sworn enemies... whatever floats their boat." She giggles wiping her face and I see mom and dad wiping their tears as well. I try to keep the lump forming in my throat at bay but as always she has a way of pulling us all in.

"I can't wait for my niece to make her debut... by the way everyone, you can meet me at the bar to place your bets. I say it'll be a girl, Elliot says it'll be a boy but lets be real, I'm maid of honor and I'm never wrong." She laughs and we all clap. "Ladies and gentleman, please join me in celebrating these two incredible humans and parents to be. I love you both to the moon and back! Steele & Kavanagh forever!"

Kate immediately stands up and bellows "DAMN STRAIGHT, STEELE & KAVANAGH FOREVER!"

We all clap and laugh as Ana makes her way to Elliot and Kate who are both crying like babies while they hug her.

When Ana finally comes back to take her seat next to me I give her a small kiss. "As always Miss Steele, you know how to hold a room." She gives me a small smile and hugs me tight.

"So do you Mr. Grey, I love you so much." She whispers and I kiss her temple.

* * *

In the last hour I have witnessed the following; Barney doing the worm. Elliot doing some obscene peacock like dance with Kate. Jose and Grandma Margot dance the salsa. Grandpa Theo dancing his best moves with Val to _Staying Alive_. Ethan and Mia doing some ridiculous version of what looks like the robot. Mom and Dad dance to Single Ladies and Ana, well she's barely sat down and has danced her heart out with everyone on the dance floor. It's like she's made of pure energy and nothing can slow her down. The DJ has played songs from Shoop to Thriller to some new song called Yummy to Sexy and I know it where everyone danced like they were high on drugs... I feel like I've officially entered the twilight zone.

_Who are these people?_

Ana joins me at the edge of the dance floor and looks out at the same scene I'm staring at.

"We've created monsters haven't we?" She looks at me wide-eyed.

"Oh no, this is all your doing baby." I laugh and she giggles.

She wraps her arms around my waist and looks up at me with a smile. "Admit it, you love it."

"I'm tolerating it." I say with a smirk and she sticks her tongue out at me.

A song comes on and she gasps. "Sorry, Grey. This is my jam. I must forsake you again for the dance floor."

_And I've lost her again. _

I see her have a dance off with Karan and Jose to Mi Gente. She's so animated that it makes me laugh. She told me recently that dancing was her way of truly celebrating how far she had come since the accident. It made her feel alive and forget all the sadness she feels on a daily basis sometimes.

I return to our table after getting a drink at the bar and take my seat next to Grandpa Theo who nudges me. "I'm telling you, you have to marry a girl who can dance. It's the only reason why I married your grandmother." He winks at me and roll my eyes.

"Trust me, Theo, I'm trying but she doesn't make it easy."

"Good, you need to work for it. That way you won't take her for granted." He laughs and smacks my arm.

"Did Margot make you work for it?"

"She never stopped making me work for it, kid. That's why I love her so damn much. Never a dull moment." He smiles and looks at her with adoration as she dances with Elliot.

* * *

Ana told me she was going to be back in a bit but it's been twenty minutes. I text Sawyer and he tells me that Ana's by the dock taking a breather. Since that night during the holidays, we've sat out on the dock a few times so I'm not all that nervous but still, it's an image that I'll never be able to forget.

When I get to the dock, I let Sawyer know he can walk back to the tent.

I lean down to sit next to her. "Hey baby, what are you doing here?"

She dangles her feet off the dock. "Just taking a break. I came to look at the moon and say a prayer." She points up at the sky towards the crescent of the new moon.

"It's officially Eid?"

She nods. "Yeah. Up until I went to college, I always spent the last day of Ramadan and Eid in SF. We'd fly earlier in the day. There's another family house on Scott Street that has a rooftop deck, so we'd break fast there and then a little while later, head up to the roof to look for the moon... not that it was ever hard to find but you know, it was just a tradition to engage little kids and then once we saw it we'd say a prayer and then clap and cheer in celebration."

"That sounds beautiful. What do you pray for?"

"I pray for all the people I love. For them to always be happy and healthy and for their dreams to come true." She looks to me and smiles. "I pray for you. That you're always happy and at peace and that you get whatever your heart desires."

I'm a little floored by her confession. "I don't think anyone has ever prayed for me."

"Grace prays for you." She says matter of factly.

"She told you?" I look at her surprised.

"She doesn't have to. Every mother prays for their child." She pauses for a moment and then looks out to the water. "At least, every mother who truly loves their child."

"What about yourself? What do you ask for yourself?"

"For the longest time I only prayed for peace and strength to help me not be afraid but now I'm beginning to ask for happiness."

I pick up her hand and kiss it and she smiles. We sit in silence for a few minutes.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask her.

"I was thinking about Kate..."

"What about her?"

"When I converted Nana and Nani gave me one piece of advice, I never really understood it until I met Kate. They said that now that I had chosen this path for myself it wasn't just about praying and doing "good deeds" but that I had to be a source of comfort and solace to the people around me and to in need; that it was okay if I wasn't able to affect change on a big scale but that changing or saving one life was the equivalent to saving all of humanity because our fates are tied to one another. If Kate hadn't found me, who knows if I would've made it? I was so consumed by my grief and pain. If I had done something stupid, it would've caused Nita and Nani so much heartbreak..."

"You saved me."

She looks at me and looks down at the water and shakes her head. "I didn't do anything Christian."

"You don't realize how much you've done for me, Ana. You've given me a whole new life in these few short months. I'm finally the son my parents have longed for, the brother my siblings have been waiting for. I'm a better boss now, a friend, a boyfriend... a godfather... you've given me all of that in such a short time..."

My mind goes back to what I was doing last Memorial day weekend and it was pitiful. I had just come back from New York after a deal had gone south and I was pissed off beyond measure. I had an introductory session with Susannah and I went to town on her but I was still dissatisfied. I took the boat out with the family on Memorial Day and barely spoke a word. I had all this rage and I was reaching a breaking point... the only time I felt an ounce of calm was when I met Ana the day before thanksgiving. And now, I'm at my brother's wedding and my life is so full and I'm finally enjoying it. Something I never have experienced.

"For god's sake, I just saw Jose dance the salsa with Margot... I'm pretty sure she's about to divorce Theo right now and if she doesn't Theo is taking Val as his mistress for sure. The lines have blurred, in fact there no lines anymore. Just chaos." I chuckle.

She giggles and falls into a laughing fit. "Did you see the tiara Jose got her? It was so cute."

I shake my head and laugh. "I've seen too much tonight. Flynn is about to earn that French vacation home."

"Look at you, making jokes." She smiles. " By the way, I loved your speech. It was so beautiful what you said about Elliot."

"I learned from the best." I kiss her cheek.

"You're such a kiss ass, Grey." She giggles.

"You know, they're piranhas in the water right?" I tell her and she immediately jumps and pulls her feet up making me laugh out loud.

"YOU ASS... I don't like you right now." She tries to scold me and smacks my arm but ends up laughing too and cuddles with me and we sit in silence for a while, holding each other.

I hear the faint sound of Quando, Quando, Quando start to play. It's one of her favorites. "Miss Steele, may I have this dance?"

"You can always have a dance with me, Mr. Grey."

We get up and sway lightly with the music, dancing in the moonlight looking to her sapphire blue eyes as we both kiss and sing to each other.

_I can't wait a moment more  
Tell me quando quando quando  
Just say it's me you adore  
And then darling tell me when._

* * *

Sunday, May 24th, 2020

"Mate, I hope you have an obscene amount of cash to give out. This is your first Eid with the family, they're gonna make you pay." Karan sneers.

I look at Ana and she bursts out laughing. "It's okay you're safe. Karan bhai stop scaring him... the only person you have to give money to, is Aria since she's a baby. Rania and Aashu might try to extract cash from you but don't worry I'll protect you." She winks at me.

"How much money are we talking here?"

"Well, my very first Eid with Nita's family, I made bank... $5000 cause literally, everyone gave me money. Of course Ray rained on my parade and put it in my college fund but every year since then I'll collect about $500-1000 and 75% of that would go into my college fund."

"That's really cheap." I laugh.

"Rich people be cheap." She rolls her eyes. "No, it was just a way to keep it as normal as they could. I mean throwing out all that money at kids, it sets a bad precedent. Plus, she gets us clothes made and will fly us in if need be and cooks us a wonderful lunch... so we shut up. She used to ask Nana for Eidi too and he'd give her $5 just to piss her off. It was funny." She giggles at the memory.

"How much did you give her?" I look at Karan.

"I just gave this gremlin $500." He shakes his head and laughs.

Ana takes out the cash from her bag and fans herself. "Cause I'm so adorable..." she laughs "and I'll pester Rania and Raees for money too. It's just for fun... all the younger kids pester the adults and older siblings for money... again it's all a game. In the end the youngest kid makes the most bank which in this case is Aria. Last year I gave her $250 and this year I'm giving her $500. I'll probably indulge her till she's about 10 then I'll tell her to scram."

We land in Oakland just before 12pm and soon arrive at the family house. As we walk up the driveway Ana stops just before we get to the stairs and walks towards the end of the driveway to what looks like a dark green mustang, with the license plate that reads 'Kapadia' – it looks familiar to the pictures I've seen of Ray and Ana from her childhood.

"Bachay, what happened?" Karan calls out to her and we both walk towards the car after her.

She looks back at us with her face tense and continues to inspect the car and opens the door to the passenger side and gets in to inspect it further; touching the leather upholstery and keychain hanging from the rearview mirror while looking around. She climbs out of the car and slams the door.

"I'm going to fucking kill him." She says trying to hold back her tears. "This is an exact replica of dad's car, down to the leather trimmings."

I look at Karan and I can see his jaw tighten. "I'm sorry Aana." is all he can offer and I hear the sadness in his voice.

"No, you shouldn't be. This is all on him. I can't believe... dad lost his life in that car, my whole life changed... he's doing this to trigger me." She closes her eyes and breathes for a few moments but I see her shiver. "Fuck this, let's just go inside."

"Karan, you go... we'll follow you in a bit." I tell him. He nods and heads on in. I look at Ana hold her face but she keeps looking down. "Talk to me, baby."

She shakes her head. "There's no point. Especially not right now." Her voice is strained. I pull her in for a hug. "I'll be fine Christian. I just need to remember not to lose my cool and I'll be fine." She tries to assure me but I know how much pain she's in.

Ana doesn't say much for the remainder of the afternoon. She kept up appearances and greeted everyone normally, successfully avoiding Vishaal given the commotion around the room during introductions. Meeting Rish and Alia was interesting, they definitely have a presence, a little too much of it and the difference between Nita and her sister is like night and day but I suppose that's just how family is. After a delicious lunch we all went to the backyard to take a series of family pictures like our visit from before. Nita already framed a picture of us from the last reunion on the picture wall on the main floor of the house.

"That's us." Ana points to the picture and giggles. "No escaping now Mr. Grey."

"Us, forever." I kiss her temple and she looks back up and gives me a kiss. Just as I am about to deepen it, we hear Rania cheering from the end of the corridor.

Ana groans, breaking the kiss. "GROW UP RANIA."

"WHAT? IT'S MY JOB." She yells and walks away, cackling.

"Any chance we can escape her?" I smirk.

"She's the only crazy one I like now. Don't tell anyone though." She whispers and winks and we make our way back to the family room where the rest of the family is getting ready to drink tea.

We all catch up on the happenings in each other's lives and Ana shows pictures and videos from Kate and Elliot's wedding when suddenly the topic of money comes up and everyone shares how much they've made today. Ana calls out to Daniel in Urdu and he picks up and orange and passes it to her replying in the language.

"Hold on, you can speak the language?" I ask him.

"Well yeah, I mean I've been with Kiran for almost 8 years now. I can speak a little bit. Hasn't Aana taught you any?"

"I'm teaching him a little. He knows a few words and can say a few sentences, like how are you and telling his name along with the words for certain things." Ana interjects and laughs.

"WAIT, Mr. One Hunnid is learning Urdu... this I have got to hear." Rania sits up and wiggles her eyebrows.

"Why do you keep calling him Mr. One Hunnid?" Kiran asks. I can sense her annoyance of not being in on the joke.

"Cause Kiran, he does everything at 100%. He doesn't half ass anything. Get with the program." Rania rolls her eyes and winks at Ana.

Ana looks at me and mouths a sorry making me laugh. I look at Rania and ask her how she's doing in Urdu and she claps and responds with one word but I have no idea what she says. Ana translates and tells me she said she's doing spectacular . Everyone claps for me and it's borderline embarrassing but Ana smiles and kisses my cheek.

From the corner of my eye I see Vishaal look like he's swallowed something bitter. If only he'd fucking swallow cyanide instead.

"Sorry Daniel but Christian's my favorite white boy in the family now. I'm sick of your face." Rania teases.

"By all means take him. You guys have tortured me enough." Scooter laughs. "Good luck, Grey. Hit me up if you need any pointers, I've got 8 years of experience dealing with the insanity." I smirk and nod in his direction and take a sip of my drink.

"Hey, I never tortured you. In fact I helped you." Ana says

"You're the only one who's ever been on my side." He acknowledges and they fist bump.

"So Aana, I'm surprised you didn't ask me for Eidi this time?" Vishaal's voice cuts through and Ana looks back to him.

She shrugs. "Don't really need it. None of us really need the money but if you really insist, _Vishaal Bhai_, I'd say give it to charity. I'm going to be working in philanthropy now and I've been doing a lot of research on charities to work with that deal with women who've been a victim of assault... they're a ton of trauma and rape centers in San Francisco that need funding. I'd say, donate it there. It would mean so much to me." She says with a smile and I see Vishaal's face tense a little but he works to keep his expression impassive.

"That's a solid idea." Karan immediately chimes with a clap, rubbing his palms together and soon everyone agrees.

I look back at Ana and give her a small kiss and whisper "I love you."

'And I love you." She looks in my eyes.

"MAMA, Chwischin Khalu kiss Aana Khala." Aria gasps pointing at us from across the room as she giggles making us all laugh.

"HEY, can you guys keep it a little PG for my kid here. I need her to not go kissing boys at her daycare... I've got enough on my plate as it is." Rania whines and winks at us.

* * *

A little while later Ana whispers in my ear that she wants to take a break and get away for a bit. She insists on wanting to drive because she misses it, so I let Sawyer and Prescott know to follow us as soon as we leave the gates.

We open the front door to exit the house and descend the steps when we see Vishaal sitting on the trunk of his new mustang, checking his phone and smoking a cigarette. We continue to walk to Nani's car, ignoring him when I hear Vishaal call out to Aana and say something in Urdu. All I see is Ana's face tense and she whips around and walks toward him and stops just a few feet short of where he is.

"I told you, I don't want anything from you. Leave me the fuck alone." She seethes

He shrugs and takes a drag of his cigarette. "I was just trying to be nice. Don't be so fucking dramatic."

"Don't gaslight me and then tell me I'm overreacting." She continues on to say something in Urdu and he laughs and says something back. It pisses me the fuck off and it's beyond my control at this point so I go in and punch him off and he falls off the car. I try to go in for more and drag him up by the collar of his shirt to strike him again but Ana intervenes trying to stop me and holding back my arm.

"Christian... please... don't. He's not worth it." she begs me and I see tears in her eyes. "Please..."

I shove him back to the floor and he continues to laugh as he wipes blood from corner of his mouth and proceeds to get up. "That's assault Grey."

"Oh, so you know the meaning of the word, asshole?" I spit back at him. "I told you last time, leave her the fuck alone or I will end you."

"None of this concerned you before but now... all bets are _really_ off." He laughs and turns to walk away leisurely towards the backyard.

I am fucking seething and about to go beat the shit out of him but I feel Ana's hands on my face. "Don't. Please. This is what he wants, remember?" She says with her voice strained and tears falling from the corner of her eyes.

"What did he say to you?"

She shakes her head. "Forget it, it's stupid. I was stupid to react myself."

"Tell me Ana." I say a little forcefully.

"He said this car was my present for Eid and when I told him to leave us alone and all that, he replied back saying he was only trying to honor Ray since it's his birthday next week. He's just being a sick, sadistic asshole." She looks down and tears flow freely from her eyes. I pull her into a hug and we stand there for a while as I soothe her. She looks over my hand and kisses it, holding it to her cheek. It's starting to bruise slightly but I tell her it's nothing.

We head out and she starts to feel better as she drives West of Presidio Terrace.

"I'm surprised he didn't put up a fight? Doesn't he know self-defense?" I ask her.

"He's a black belt in Krav Maga but Vishaal Kapadia's MO has always been to silently provoke his opponent and maintain a guise of innocence. He wanted you to lose your cool so that when you did beat him to a pulp... you'd be seen at the crazy one in the eyes of the family. He's getting creative now... I could never have imagined this but... like I said, he knows my weaknesses." She says with a wavering voice.

I look out the window and close my eyes trying to calm myself. "I just ruined this for you didn't I?"

She doesn't say anything for a few moments and it's all the confirmation I need. "We'll be fine. Just need to work on keeping our emotions in check."

"You know him too, what about his weaknesses?"

"He has fears like all of us but nothing I can really use against him. Again, Christian, I need proof. I have no other emotional ammunition against him. He has people and a community that worships him... the only power I have is to not give him what he wants. That's how I fight."

"He wants what's mine." I mutter under my breath but she hears me.

She scoffs. "It's not about you Christian, you just came into my life. It's about me. If anything, you're collateral, you've just made this all interesting for him."

"He can't hurt me Ana, if that's what you're worried about."

"But he'll hurt me. He knows how to hurt me."

We don't say much after that and the music is the only sound in the car.

_Left my city in a rush  
Didn't look back gave you up  
Now I see my name in the lights  
But It's still dark outside._

"I've been wanting to share this place with you since we first visited but things kept getting in the way."

"Where are we going?"

"Ocean Beach. It's nothing spectacular but it means a lot to me. It's the only place in this city where I don't have any tainted memories." She says wistfully.

_If I lose it all  
Will you look for me  
If I lost it all  
Meet me back at Ocean Beach._

I hear her laugh a little.

"What's funny?"

"When this song first came out last year, I listened to it on repeat for weeks I think. It described my feelings perfectly when running away from here all those years ago. I was like, _FINALLY!_ Someone gets it..." She giggles.

"But you found yourself in the end."

She takes shrugs. "Have I really? I'm just biding my time. I've been looking back for so long, I've only just started looking to the future and I'm still scared to look too far ahead..." she pauses for a few moments." 129 more days till my freedom."

"129 days?"

"129 days till September 30th... 3rd quarter."

"You're actually counting?" I look at her.

She silently nods and turns right to head down the highway towards the beach parking lot.

We walk out on to the beach barefoot and she leads to me north in the direction of the Cliff House.

"How do you feel now?" I ask as we walk.

"A little better, now that I'm here with you." She stops and holds my hand to inspect it. "Does it hurt? Please be honest."

I snort. "Baby, it doesn't hurt."

"Are you tryna be a tough guy, Grey?" She giggles.

"Depends, are you into tough guys?" I smirk.

"I'm only into you." She tiptoes and brings my face down for a kiss. "Thank you. Though, I'm really jealous I didn't get to do that myself."

"Well, you stopped me otherwise I'd happily hold him down and you could've had your chance to kick the shit out of him."

"Dammit, I didn't think about that." She laughs. "Next time?"

I laugh and we walk a little more.

She tells me the first time that she came here was with Nita, it was the day before she married Ray. This used to be Nita's thinking spot when she was going through a tough time after her first marriage ended and she went through her own recovery and depression. The day before they had a girls day and ended with a late lunch at the Cliffhouse Lookout Café and then watched the sunset here while sitting on the rocks nearby. Once we get to the rock formation, she sits down and looks out.

"When Nita and I sat here, she made me a promise. She said that I would always be the first girl in Ray's life and she would never encroach on that relationship or try to be a replacement as a mother. She promised that she'd always put me first and be there whenever I needed her and that I could trust her..." she stops and I see tears in her eyes. I hold her hand and squeeze it. "... and that all she wanted was a chance to be someone of meaning in my life."

"She's been an exceptional mother to you..."

She nods silently, looking out towards the water for a while before speaking again. "I'd come here during recovery to think, especially when I had a difficult day at physical therapy. Benny somehow knew whenever I needed it, since I couldn't really speak... so he'd park up there and let me sit in the backseat with the window down and look out. Aside from Benny I've only ever come here with Nita, Nani or Aria. I made most of my major life decisions while looking out at this view. Where to go to college, how I needed to get away and rebuild and then the week I spent here after we met. I thought about how life would be with you." She looks to me and smiles.

"How did life look with me?"

"It looked beautiful and I hoped... for forever with you."

"Forever sounds about right, baby." I lean in and kiss her.

"When we go back to drop off the car and say goodbye, I'm going to tell Nani that I won't be visiting SF until Aashu's wedding because every visit is getting more and more difficult and I'm really tired now."

"That's a fair, besides if they want to see you, they can easily fly over to Seattle."

"True but I won't ride that expectation of them. In her age I don't want to push her and Nita has her hands full with work."

"Why not? I get her health could be an issue but surely Nita can make time."

"I learned very early on in life not to have expectations. It helps with not being disappointed." She says looking out to the sky.

I'm reminded of Flynn's words that this is her self-esteem talking.

"What about me? No expectations?"

"I'm happy with what we have and how we have it, anything more is a bonus." She looks at me with a small smile.

"You deserve more." I murmur.

She looks to me. "In thinking that I deserve more, I'm effectively telling you that I'm not content or unhappy... and Christian... look, it was a fucking miracle that I survived what I did and even more so that I made a complete recovery. There are people out there who are confined to their beds, unable to do anything but wait till the day that they..." she looks away and pauses for a few moments, wiping her eyes. "Nothing makes you more grateful than being able to have control over your body again, to be able to talk again. I don't take a single thing I have for granted. I wanted simple things and I got them; yes life has been complicated as of late but still, I have my health, a roof over my head and a job, friends and family and I'm in love. There are so many people out there who have less than a fraction of what I have, who are killed for merely existing, who are unable to reach their full potential because the odds are stacked against them. Who the fuck am I to sit here and claim that I deserve more? To anyone on the outside looking in, it would look ungrateful. I had a family who spent an obscene amount of money to help me recover, a best friend who took care of me when I certainly wasn't expecting it and I fell in love with a brilliant and compassionate man who is an important figure and has enough money to last for a thousand lifetimes. I mean... if I'm still not happy then I'm being ungrateful and I need to check my privilege."

"I just want you to have everything, I don't want you to ever want for anything or be sad, Ana."

"But I have everything that I could ever possibly want in this moment and the fact that you want to give me everything means more than you'll ever know. You're so much more than what I ever imagined for myself." She reaches up and gives me a searing kiss. "As far as being sad, Christian, I think you and I will always be a little sad given what we've been through. However, because of all that we can truly appreciate our happiness. It'll always mean more."

"I suppose you're right."

She gets up and sits in my lap, looking into my eyes. "Christian Trevelyan Grey."

I smile back at her. "Yes, Anastasia Rose Steele."

"Take me home and make love to me. I want to forget today."

"Your wish is my command."

* * *

"Ana... Ana... baby wake up." I try to wake her up but she's crying out and trying to fight me. All I can know is that she's saying no in urdu but the rest I can't understand. "Baby... you're safe... Ana, open your eyes."

Once she eventually does she's completely still and she looks straight at me but doesn't move or breathe. I see tears continuously fall from her eyes.

I stroke her cheek and kiss her forehead. "Ana, baby you were having a nightmare. It wasn't real. I need you to breathe okay... take a deep breath."

It feels like forever before she starts to come back in the present.

"I-I couldn't move...or s-speak... he took you away... please don't leave me." she says as her body heaves from the crying. I pull her in close and hold her tight.

"I'm never going to leave you baby. Look, we're here... we're safe and no one is coming for us." I try to calm her.

A few minutes pass before she speaks. "He took you away from me. It felt so real and I couldn't do anything to stop it."

"I'm here baby. I'm never leaving you." I kiss her temple as she holds me tighter. "I'll get you some water."

"No... just stay with me." She whispers.

* * *

Monday, May 25th, 2020

**APOV**

It's a beautiful day to be out on the water. When Christian brought me out on the Grace for the first time two weeks ago, it was so peaceful. It reminded me a little of the fishing trips with dad except there were actually cushions for me to lay my head on this time around. I saw a different side to Christian, he looked at peace and happy. We talked so much and he opened up more than before. I told him that we should try to take as much time as we could to come out here and just disconnect from the world and be with each other.

Kate and I are sitting on the opposite end of the Grace away from everyone. She could sense that something was on my mind. After all, she lived with me for 4 years so she knows how I operate.

"Spill it Steele, something's up."

"I just didn't get enough sleep last night." I tell her. It's true. After the nightmare, I found it hard to go back to sleep no matter how much Christian tried to soothe me. I'd keep waking up every hour or so.

"Well, I'd make a joke about it being because of too much sex but that face is telling me otherwise."

I let out a little laugh. "It's nothing Kavanagh, just random stuff."

"Ana, you can tell me anything you know that right?"

"I know... look, I don't want to burden you anymore. With the baby and everything, you need to take it easy."

"Listen to me, there are millions of women out there who are pregnant and doing and dealing way more crazy shit than I am... I'm not made out of glass. Just tell me what's going on. I know you're trying to protect me but enough with the bullshit. Tell me everything. Start from the beginning."

I tell her what happened yesterday and then the nightmare that followed after we got back to Seattle and how Vishaal has been pressuring me to marry Christian.

"Well, it's about fucking time moneybags punched him. Though, I will not lie, I'd pay good money to see him put that piece of shit in the ground."

"No Kate, it was fucking scary. I didn't want it to escalate... if he hurt Christian, I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

"Christian is a big boy, he can handle himself."

"I know but still... I don't want him to get hurt because of my shit. I...I..." I feel my throat start to close up and tears burn my eyes.

She reaches over and pulls me in for a hug and kisses my temple. "Hey, look he's fine and that asshole is too much of a pussy to try anything."

"I'm not so sure of that anymore."

She pauses for a few moments. "I don't get why he wants you to marry Christian, that makes no sense. If anything it's the opposite of what he would want." She muses.

"I don't know, reverse psychology but that's too small time for him... "

"You think he knows what's in the will?"

"I don't think so, I mean... my marrying Christian shouldn't have any bearing on what is meant for me in terms of the will, should there anything be left to me that is. You know my stance on everything already. I'll give my shares to Rania if anything. I don't want to be tied to him like that."

"Then marry Christian. Put an end to this. Just move on with your life."

"I'm scared Kate." I try to hold my tears.

"Steele, what are you scared of?" She holds my hand and gives it a light squeeze.

"I don't want that Dementor near my happiness. I don't want him at the wedding and there's no excuse I can come up with for keeping him away. If I decide to tell everyone about what he did, Uncle Rish will legally be required to notify KGI's shareholders about the impropriety and if he keeps it from them, then Rania will inform them and then the investigation will start and since I'll have no proof it'll be a waste of everyone's time. I can't handle that on top of ripping the family apart. I'm still so fucked up. I need to heal a little before I marry Christian, he doesn't deserve all the shit I've been putting him through. I'm really trying to get better... but... everyone now and then I have a setback. I'm just tired."

"I get it, it's fucking scary. I wish I could somehow make this easy for you but on a separate note for fucks sake, Steele... stop putting yourself down like this. None of this is your fault. Look, the man loves you. It's nauseatingly cute how much he fucking loves you, trust in that?"

"I'm trying. "

We talk a little more about what happened yesterday try to figure out what the hell Vishaal is really thinking.

"Ana... I know you are against this but I think you need to seriously consider using your leverage."

I pull away from her. "No Kate, I will not stoop to that level."

"Why the fuck not? Look at what he is doing. If he's playing with fire well then you need to hit him with an erupting volcano."

"And what, ruin Kiran's marriage in the process? She hasn't even told Vishaal about it. I'd be betraying her trust... I already did by telling you."

She takes a deep breath and looks out to the water. "You just have to threaten him. I'm not saying to actually use what you have on Kiran... just tell him that you have something that could ruin her marriage and who knows he might just back off."

"He knows I would never do something like that." _I can't bring myself to use damaging information like that. Putting the peace of someone's life on the line like that... it's not who I am._

"Doesn't matter what he knows, the point is to make him think he doesn't know you anymore which if you think about it... you're already standing up to him. Something you've never done before."

"Still, it's... fucked up."

She groans and pinches the bridge of her nose.

"Look, I just have a receipt. The payment was made in my credit card. She gave me the cash after but I used my own credit card to pay for the procedure. He could spin it right around and leak it to the press... and given the time frame it would look like that I actually got it because it was exactly a month and half after what happened to me... what if he thinks that... you know..." _I can't even bring myself to say it. _

"Then you need to tell Christian about this. I'm sure he has contacts who can hack into the clinic and get her file out."

"I'm not telling him or having him do something illegal."

"Ana, this is small time shit and you're in a relationship with him, you can trust him."

"Kate, drop it. It's too risky. And I adore Daniel, as it is... it kills me every time I look at him because I'm lying to him. Look, Christian knows that I have _something_ on Kiran. He doesn't know what it is but he's ruthless and... look, I can't do that to her especially after everything she's done for me."

"I just want you to have an option Ana. I seriously think you should talk to Christian about this."

"If I tell him, it's not like he believes in pinky promises... "

We both start laughing before I can finish the sentence.

"Steele, he's a grown ass man... most of the time." She snickers." Trust him and let him help you get all the information you need to use just in case. That's all I'm saying. Have the option. You owe it to yourself and honestly after the press leak on the wedding pictures... you've suffered enough."

I roll my eyes. "You just love a good dumpster fire."

"Can't argue with that." She says with a smug face and we both laugh.

...

**CPOV**

We came back a few hours ago and I've been holed up in the study catching up on emails and a quick call to the Tokyo office. When I'm done I go out and find her upstairs in her room sitting on the floor working on yet another puzzle.

"That's new." I see that it's yet another 1000 piece puzzle but this time it's Klimt's _Woman in Gold._

She jumps a little and giggles. "Thanks for scaring me."

I sit next to her and help her out a little. "What's this piece called?"

"It's called Amore mio aiutami from the movie of the same name. I've never watched it but Ray always played this record at home, among many others..."

"Help me, my love?"

"The fact that you also know Italian makes me so jealous. You didn't have to lie to me about it you know." She narrows her eyes at me and giggles.

"I know but you seemed so excited about us learning something new together and I wanted the experience of discovery with you."

"Yeah but I don't want you to be bored learning something you already know."

"I can never be bored with you Miss Steele."

"Save it, Grey." She rolls her eyes and I lean in to kiss her. "There's actually a song called Miss Luna Special that Ray said described me perfectly." She laughs.

She plays it for me and shows me a funny dance she used to do around the house whenever it played and it makes me laugh. It makes me wish I knew her back then. She comes and sits back down and turns off the music.

"I wanted to talk to you about something but I need you to promise me you won't do anything with this information unless I ask you to."

My scalp prickles and I nod.

"Promise me Christian." Her voice wavers.

"I promise I won't do anything unless you ask me to." I swallow and wait for her to begin.

"Remember when I told you that I had information that could blow up Kiran's marriage?"

I nod.

"A month and half after I left for college, Kiran flew into Portland unannounced and in a panic. The week before my going away party, Kiran had gone partying with friends in New York and she got a little too drunk and hooked up with someone. She never told me who but she got pregnant. Daniel and her had been having some problems, actually it was more like Kiran was being a little bratty because Daniel was busy setting up London office that year so he was gone for like 4 months and well, Kiran is a little clingy, she doesn't do well with distance... anyway, I went with her to planned parenthood for support and we made the payment on my credit card and she gave me cash later."

She looks up to me with tears in her eyes.

"I hate that I'm lying to Daniel because he truly loves Kiran. He loves her more than she loves him... but I've been torn between my loyalty to her out of debt and loyalty of doing the right thing but at the same time, it's ... it's just a shitty situation. Daniel doesn't deserve this... but Kate thinks that I should use this as leverage to shut Vishaal up... but he knows that I'd never do something like that. I would never jeopardize someone else's happiness to serve my own purpose."

"Scooter deserves to know, they were in a committed relationship for 4 years up until that point."

"He does but again, it's not my secret to tell. Kiran has to own up to what she did."

"Why are you telling me this Ana?"

"I need your help but it's illegal."

"Baby, whatever you need. Just tell me."

"I only have the receipt but payment was made with my credit card. I need her file because given the time frame of when it happened, I don't want... look, if I ever have to use this against Vishaal, I don't want him to have any doubt that it was me who went in for the procedure given the time frame." Her jaw tightens as she finishes speaking and I close my eyes at the thought that possibility... of having to go through something like that.

"I'll text Taylor and Welch and they'll get it done."

"It's medical files Christian, I know what I'm asking you to do is illegal... but... wait..." she turns around and reaches under the bed and takes out a box. She opens it and I see a series of moleskin journals with the year engraved on them. She takes out some from the year 2015 and quickly starts to go through them. I see they are journal entries but they all are in Urdu so I can't understand what's written. Once she finds the receipt she gives it to me.

"Why are all your journal entries in Urdu?"

"Privacy reasons I guess." She shrugs.

"Do you still write?"

"Sometimes, when I need to make sense of things."

"What do you want to do once we get the file?"

"I want you to give it to me and... look, I don't know what I'm going to do, I just need to keep it as an option. He knows that I would never do anything to hurt Kiran like that but Kate said that it's about planting the seed of doubt in his mind. If he tries something between now and the Will reading then I'll throw this in his face. It's not ideal because I know for a fact that he doesn't know about this because Kiran cares too much about what he thinks."

_I silently wonder if Nani knows about this._

"Did Kiran have security on her when you both went for this procedure because this would've gotten back to AHAK or KGI, right?"

"True but I highly doubt they would've suspected something. We had made an appointment and we were done in about hour. So we could've been there for me to get a pap smear for all anyone knew and Kiran is always know to take spontaneous trips. Her coming to see me wouldn't seem suspect at all."

...

"Please don't think less of me for choosing to do this." Ana says in a small voice. We're laying in bed with her back to my chest as I kiss her neck.

"Look at me baby." She turns and faces me. "I wish you would've asked me to do this sooner. You're too good for them. They've just taken from you. They know how you are, where your loyalties lie and they've tested them time and time again. Kate was right; your relationship with them was toxic. From the little time I've spent with your family, Karan, Aashu and Rania are the only ones who have your back in addition to Nani and Nita. Vishaal and Kiran are not on your side, Kiran may think she is but she's not."

"I don't plan to use this information unless I really have to. I just want him to back off you know and who's to say he could pay someone off to get falsified records made in my name? After all, it was my credit card that was used."

"That is a possibility but by the time you hit him with this he won't have time to get anything like that done. We'll leak it to the press."

"But Christian, this is Daniel's life too. I feel like I'm committing a crime against another woman... but... I feel so desperate." She chokes on her words. "I don't want to leak this to the press. That's too much."

"Ana, do not stray from the facts. Vishaal violated you and has been terrorizing you for years and keeping you from your family. Kiran was in a committed relationship and cheated on her partner of four years and then married him and made you keep her secret knowing where your loyalties lie."

"I know... I know and I agree with you. She cheated and this was the consequence she had to face... I just... Christian, she was heartbroken. She knows what she did and she lives with it every day. As someone who wants to have a child with no idea if she'd be able to conceive, I don't know... I felt a lot of things. I was still fresh off of what had happened to me... I can't explain it." she wipes her face. "And now Daniel wants them to start trying, I mean they've been together for 8 years now but she's scared... we talked at the rehearsal dinner. Kiran and I went out for a walk in the garden and she told me everything... she doesn't want to disappoint Daniel but at the same time she doesn't think she's ready and the work excuse will only work for so long."

I kiss her forehead. "You're too good for them, Ana. Again, these are decisions that Kiran made it's her mess to figure out."

"I'm not a brick wall Christian, I can still have compassion for her. Even on the elemental level of being a woman."

"You're too good Ana. I don't have your patience or compassion. I would've used this to my advantage already without thinking of the consequences."

"We're not alone Christian, our actions affect the people we love and the ripple effect can be catastrophic. Besides, karma is a liquored up bitch that I have no intention of pissing off." She giggles and I laugh.

"Liquored up bitch?" I smirk.

"I'm talking top shelf."

"I guess we should steer clear of her then."

"Yeah, I like you too much for her to get her claws on you."

"In that case, I'll just divert all my attention to making you feel good. It'll keep me out of trouble." I tell her and start to kiss her neck and cup her breasts.

"Again?" she laughs.

"Miss Steele, you should know I can never get enough of you." I continue kissing and nipping her skin as I make my way down.

"But... this will be... I forget..." She giggles.

"We're at 5 for today, I think we can go for another 3." I smirk as she looks down at me.

"You're crazy." She drops her head back down and laughs.

"No, just hungry." I start to fuck her with my tongue and arches her back and moans my name over and over again till I make her come.

"You're really trying to kill me." She laughs out of breath before I push myself into her.

I kiss her as she tangles her fingers into my hair. "Not kill you baby, just making sure you have a good nights sleep." I smirk, rolling my hips into her

* * *

**Authors Note**: After Chapter 66 we're doing a time jump into August and diving into Aashu wedding and some major drama, basically a bomb drop in every chapter leading up to the Will reading. All secrets will be revealed eventually, I promise. I know you all want to know about the meeting with Nani and Christian... it will happen but a lot more needs to happen before that. I am skipping CG's birthday chapter and will include it in the few outtakes that I plan to post after the story is done.

**Reds77**: I have an outtake that i'll post about Barney and Val after the story is over. Needless to say Jose will be gasping. You hit the nail on the head about them, haha.

To my faithful readers, I love you guys. thank you for sticking by me. I am sending you big hugs.

For the those of you who left nasty reviews, I feel sorry for you. That's all I gotta say.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ Chapter 65

**Music**

Staying Alive - Bee Gees

Single Ladies - Beyonce

Shoop - Salt-N-Pepa

Yummy - Justin Beiber

I'm Sexy and I know it - LMFAO

Mi Gente - J Balvin, Willy William, Beyonce

Quando Quando Quando - Michael Buble feat. Nelly Furtado

Lose Myself - Lolo Zoaui

Amore mio aiutami (main theme) - Piero Piccioni

Miss Luna Special - Piero Piccioni


	66. Chapter 66

Okay so, yesterday was 6-18-2020 which means it was CG's birthday. cut the chocolate cake!

This chapter is a bit long but there are some easter eggs sprinkled through out that will inform the story when we do a time jump in the next chapter. This chapter is also a little sad here and there but I really wanted to dedicate one to Ray and Nita so I hope you like it. Last chapter before we time jump 2.5 months ahead.

Vishaal is gonna get what's coming to him. **I promise you** and it will be his own stupidity that will be his downfall.

How is everyone doing these days?

* * *

**Chapter 66 – **_The feeling goes on and on and on_

_Thursday, June 4__th__, 2020_

**CPOV**

Barney meets me in my office and gives me a translation of the audio I sent him early this morning.

"Mr. G, most of it was inarticulate but I was able to translate some of the words that were clear and this is more of an educated guess as to what is actually being said."

_He wants to hurt me._

_He said this is my fault. This is all my fault._

_I disappointed him._

I also gave Barney a screenshot of Ana's recent journal entry and asked him to translate. After she's fallen asleep, I got up and saw her journal on her side table and went through it. There were barely any words in English, everything was written in Urdu script. Yes, I'm invading her privacy but I need to figure out how to help her.

"The picture of the text you sent me according to the date it was written a week ago, again this translation is rough but it's describing a room with white walls and dark hardwood floors. The person remembers the smell of sandalwood and vanilla with a faint light of a lamp. The bedding was light blue and white and smelled of fresh linens. There's also mention of smoke and alcohol and a big dance floor with a blue light and the glimmer of red flashes. A painting with a woman falling. Looking up and seeing a starry night and colors in the abstract. They remember passing lights of the street as they looked up from the window. I've sent you a download link to the app I created for you to translate any more audio or text in this language should you need to from now on."

I nod and thank Barney.

Yesterday evening when I got back from work, Gail told me that Ana was in the gym for self defense training with Sawyer and Prescott. I went up and watch from the threshold of the door as Sawyer put her through her paces in the gym. She still looked hesitant when she tried to engage with Sawyer. It was a little comical given how big Sawyer is and how tiny Ana looked in front of him. Sawyer kept giving her pointers to improve her technique and words of affirmation to help her as they worked through the session.

She silently nodded at every directive and turned her back to Sawyer who then put his arm around her neck into a chokehold. Ana quickly twisted her body while still in his hold and turned her face into his chest and shoved him away.

They went for another scenario where Sawyer backed her into a wall and put his forearm across her throat by blocking her body and effectively immobilizing her. What happened next was not something I was expecting.

She lets out a blood-curdling scream and fell to the floor shivering with vacant eyes. I tried to help but Prescott asked me to stay back saying that a male touch may trigger her again. It broke my heart into a million pieces. Prescott proceeded to gently ask her questions but Ana would barely respond and when she did it wasn't in English. Prescott recorded the audio from her interaction and then emailed me the file after helping Ana up and tucking her into bed in her room. They told me that there were two instances where Ana had for a minute or two shutdown and kept saying _No_ in Urdu before sapping out of it... but that this was the first time she reacted so badly during training. She'd been otherwise doing really well and progressing fairly quickly given her training with Ray while she was growing up. She insisted on going through some more aggressive scenarios today even though Prescott tried to talk her out of it since she noticed how tired Ana looked. Ana has been talking to them about trying to remember her assault and we now believe Sawyer's simulation definitely triggered something.

She kept stirring all night and I suggested that we remain in her room last night thinking it may help calm her. She clung to me, tighter than ever before as I rubbed her back but she was restless and whimpering. Ana didn't say anything about what happened. I asked her but she'd just shake her head and remain silent.

I kept replaying what I saw in the gym. The scream felt like it ripped me into a million pieces. I didn't have a nightmare but I saw something from and it reminded me of that night I went to check out the club with Elena and it was confusing.

_I'm walking down a dimly lit corridor with recessed lighting and come across a rose on the floor. Before I pick it up I hear a loud blood curdling scream and see the rose turn to ash. I look to my right and I see that girl again. Her back is to me, her pin straight, long and dark hair going past her lower back, her body draped in silk as she looks through the floor to ceiling windows out at the view. I walk towards her but someone calls her name and she walks into the embrace of a man and disappears again._

After my meeting with Barney I call John for an emergency session and we talk about an hour at lunch.

"Christian, you were wrong to invade her privacy. Next time you feel the need to do something like this, please try and think how it would feel it someone did this to you. You cannot force this." He sighs in frustration. I know I am but I am desperate.

"John, I just want to help her. It rips my heart to see her like this. I know it's her father's birthday today as well and ever since we've come back she's been on edge, more than before. I asked her to stay home but she's do damn stubborn."

"Christian, she needs the normalcy of her routine as well. We're dealing with close to five years of suppressed trauma and emotions and you're saying that he's getting creative in his interactions with Ana?"

"Yes." I tell him about the car incident in addition to what happened last night. "I know she's coming to see you this afternoon. She won't really talk to me. It's like she's afraid to tell me anything ever since I tried to punch his lights out."

"I see. That could be the case... hopefully when she comes in today she can talk about everything she's been going through."

"I just want to her to get better John."

"I know you do and she does as well but this will not happen overnight. This will take time... again, just be there for her should she need you."

I agree with him and we talk about my dream.

"Are you equating what happened to Ana to what you heard that night?"

"I don't know. I guess I am. I know I was in a BDSM club and it's not uncommon to hear random shit happening but I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of that feeling."

"From what I remember, at the time you equated what you heard to the guilt of not being able to help your mother when you heard her scream as a child during her altercations with her pimp or visitors. Something you were not in control of and therefore you cannot hold yourself responsible for."

"I guess... and now, my desire to protect Ana... is manifesting in this way. I don't know. I haven't really thought about that night in a long while, the first time I even remotely thought about it in years was before we left for Miami but I didn't have time to dwell on it... and now... I just don't know, John. After we put that to bed in therapy, I just remember being filled with rage again, the anger about the crack whore not giving two shits about me, putting me in that position and I tried to take it out on my sub at the time but it would never be enough. She wanted harsher punishments, she relished them and then in the middle of a session I'd sometimes be reminded of those screams form that night and I couldn't go on administering the punishment or it would make me even angrier... I was so fucking confused.."

"I remember. That was the first sign of a crack in you but you refused to talk about it. I saw that crack in the façade again about two years ago. Your dissatisfaction with your subs grew exponentially with the exception of..."

'Leila."

"Well, now we know thanks to Ana's grandmother what was really happening under the guise of that arrangement."

"Don't remind me." _Don't remind me how fucking stupid I was._

"Christian, you need to rid yourself of that guilt. It's a dangerous game of 'what if?' – you were in a club where people of age, consent to activities of all kinds."

"... but I can't shake the feeling... that sub tried to avoid talking to me and I saw the look in her Dom's eyes. He was not happy about me standing next to her. I knew she was with someone but still I pursued her knowing that I shouldn't have..." I take a deep breath. I don't now why I'm so affected right now.

"You were also unhappy with your current arrangement at the time."

"Yes, I was. I suppose I was just bored and horny and this sub caught my eye because she simply met the criteria. I don't know fucking know."

"You were also drawn to Ana."

"Not the same thing. Ana was a completely different and pure experience. It's not the same." _It was her voice and her eyes that drew me in. I knew she'd be different, I just didn't know how._

"Hmm, I recall you wanted Ana as a sub initially."

"Because it was all I ever knew but again that feeling lasted maybe a day at the most..." _she changed my world completely as soon as she walked into the room that afternoon._

"Fair enough."

**APOV**

"You're weird sometimes." I hear Sawyer mutter as he opens the door.

"You say weird, I say interesting... admit it. I keep you entertained." I sass.

"Whatever, Steele." He chuckles and plops himself on the chair he dragged up and starts to read his book. I told him I didn't need to be chaperoned but then again Christian signs his paycheck and if I'm under the open sky, Sawyer needs to have eyes on me. Still, that doesn't mean I can't make this entertaining. He once let it slip that I've been the easiest assignment he's ever had. I wear that as a badge of honor.

I walk to the middle and lay the sheet and lie down, resting my head on a cushion, smack in the middle of the platform and look up at the sky. I put my airpods and set my playlist to shuffle and watch the sky start to change color and make shapes out of the clouds above me. Olsen Olsen by Sigor Rus plays in my ears and I try calm myself and unwind from the emotions of the last few days.

I mentally go through my session with John from an hour ago. Days like this are hard when I have to really push through in therapy. It doesn't help that it's Dad's birthday either.

I usually take the day off on Dad's birthday and drive out to Montesano alone and spend a few hours there. I wasn't able to do that this year since... well, life has changed and the fact that the Lot 43 acquisition papers were being signed today. It's technically my week off before I start working on 20th next week but Mr. Travis asked me for one last favor to look over everything as my last official deal with him - plus, after months of dealing with the shit storm that was Lot 43, I wanted to see this baby put to bed officially and I figured it'd be good to keep myself busy instead of wallowing in my misery at home. Once everything was setup, I gave the second assistant, Georgia and new first assistant, Kendra the rundown and excused myself after giving Mr. Travis a hug, he wanted me to be present at the deal signing but I find that stuff boring.

I texted Gwen as soon as I got done and asked if I could come by to see Emilia and that I'd bring over pizza from her favorite place. It helped to spend time with Gwen and Ros while I cuddled a little with Emilia. She's growing up so fast. She smiles more and holds up her neck a little, she's so curious and it takes everything in me to not eat her up. Once I was done soaking up the cuteness, I headed over to John's office for a session, which didn't go as well as I would have hoped.

I tell him about what happened yesterday in the gym and about some new details that are coming to me. He encourages me to keep writing what I remember and read it out loud over and over again. We discuss my entry on the private chat board where I write out my feelings on a daily basis. Some days I write just a few lines and some days I write a whole novel.

"_Did Nita see the car?"_

"_I didn't ask her and personally I don't think she did. She'd been in the house all day, cooking and playing hostess. She had no reason to go outside and Vishaal had only gotten there 15 minutes before we did so in that entire time she never left the house. Besides, it's not like I've never seen a green mustang since the accident. I've been about a dozen of them over the years... and when I usually see a mustang in general it doesn't trigger me, in fact there was a green mustang, slightly lighter in color around the neighborhood in SF and I always looked for it because it actually made me happy. I have fond memories of that car with my dad. So does Nita. That one event doesn't really negate all the good you know... the trigger was that HE had the exact replica of the car made to mess with me. I've never reacted badly to seeing similar car on the street while I'm going about my life._

"_Do you think Nita would have reacted badly or told Vishaal it was in bad taste?"_

"_I'm not sure. Even since the accident, Nita walks around eggshells with me, I think we both do that with each other. This year is the most I've talked to her about my dad. I always try to appear happy and well settled and she does the same. She won't talk about Dad that much, not in depth that is... I suppose it's to not upset me. So even if she knew about the car, she would've kept it to herself." I take a few moments before I begin again. "As for bad taste, I'm sure Vishaal would've easily spun it in his favor. He's good at that, which is why no one ever suspects when he's trying to get a rise out of me. He comes off so nonchalant and normal, even genuinely concerned sometimes, like how we used to be before and I know that I've enabled him these past few years to avoid creating havoc in front of the family... but for the first time I am fighting back, little by little."_

"_Which fear is greater? The fear of breaking Nita's heart or abandonment?" John asks, point blank._

_The fear of abandonment went down significantly after telling Nani. She believed me and it was a huge weight off of my shoulders but watching her heart break and having her ask me for forgiveness was almost too much to handle. As for Nita, the fear of breaking her heart is what keeps me from telling her everything. She's lost so much in life. She's still dealing with her Dad's loss. To possibly take away or fracture her relationship with her sister who she is so close to and... she's close to Vishaal too. He's the first official kid of the family... I don't know." I look away._

"_Ana, we explored this once before when talking about telling your friends; the idea of you setting them for failure by not telling them. I understand the need to protect the ones you love but by not telling her, you're doing yourselves both a disservice. Every relationship has its place and significance. If she has accepted the position of being your mother, then let her be your mother."_

"_Look, I rationally understand what you are saying. I do and I know the right thing is to tell her... but... my fear is... it's so crippling. I don't want to be the source of chaos. Not more than I already have been."_

"_What you holding yourself responsible for... is something that happened by an unfortunate chance. You cannot hold on to that guilt. It honestly could have happened to anyone. You need to protect her is it out of compulsion or choice because there's a distinct different between the two that I think you're conflating to be the same thing."_

_I let out a shuddering breath and nod. He's right. I know it. I'm just..._

"_Tell me what happened when you got back home from the beach with Christian?"_

"_By the time I got back, Vishaal had left with the car. I went to Nani and asked to speak to her in private. I told her that I wouldn't be coming back to visit until my cousin's wedding in August and she understood. She was livid at what happened but also told me that I had tied her hands by making her promise not to do anything when I first told her about everything."_

_He asks me what I made her promise to not do anything and I replied that I didn't want there to be any friction or retaliation. I explained the business relationship between AHAK and KGI and that Nani's position in the company right now was an honorary one. She's only to sign off on the deals that were currently in play... and that I didn't want to cause any chaos for Karan and Aashu either, given that no matter what they get the shitty end of the deal. The potential defamation lawsuit when the investigation will show that I have no proof. I sound like a broken record at this point. _

"_Ana your fear of not wanting to be the cause of chaos in someone else's life is causing chaos in yours right now. You're unable to sleep, you're mentally exhausted and you've been having disturbing dreams... you've been dealing with this silently for almost five years now. How long do you think you can keep this up for? Maybe don't tell everyone but tell your mother."_

"_I know, John. But I am determined to put an end to all of this by the end of the 3__rd__ quarter. As soon as the Will is read and I know for sure that everyone is taken care of, I'll tell Nita. I promised Christian I would and I'll swear her secrecy and I will move on. I know what I am doing is not healthy right now but... " I bury my face in my hands and break down. I am unable to continue after that and end my session early._

I rub my eyes and forehead and look at the stream of neon pink clouds stretched out over me as the sky becomes a darker shade of orange. I close my eyes for just a second and breathe.

"_What's wrong Annie?" _

_I open my eyes and look up and then look to my right. I'm in the backyard in Montesano again. I'm look like my present self. I blink a few times trying to understand what's happening and realize that this is a dream._

_I shrug my shoulders. "I'm messing up, Dad."_

"_Nonsense. You've never messed up in your life, Private." He laughs and takes a sip of his beer._

"_Dad, I'm being serious. I fu... I mean... look, I'm just lost and I need help."_

"_Stop letting your fear guide you."_

"_Can you all just stop talking to me in riddles. Please just tell me what to do." I snap at him._

"_You always did have a temper Annie. Has Christian suffered the Wrath of Steele."_

_I suddenly fall into a fit of giggles. "He's terrified of me."_

"_Good. Keep it that way." He winks at me. "We need to be kept in line." _

_I silently nod and look back up to the sky._

"_How do I get through this? I'm..." I feel tears fall from my eyes._

"_Luna, you need to be greater than the fear that's been instilled in you."_

"_I don't know how to be."_

"_You're learning. Every time you stand up for yourself, you're weakening that fear."_

"_I'm trying Dad, I just don't want to do right by everyone." I choke out._

"_What about your happiness, Luna?"_

"_I can't... not at the expense of others."_

"_Telling the truth is about peace not hurting people. Anyone who really loves you will continue to love you and if they don't then that sadness will be short-lived because you'll be able to easily move on. You're so strong Annie, you have no idea. You've been always been a fighter."_

"_I'm not strong enough." I murmur._

"_You're a Steele and I'm always with you."_

"_Happy Birthday, Sargent." I smile at him when all I really want to do is hug him tight._

_He smirks. "Have some pancakes for me." I nod and he gets up and my eyes follow him as he goes back into the house._

_I turn my head to look up at the sky again. I hear the faint sound of music as I close my eyes for a moment_

_Oh, out of sight out of mind  
It doesn't mean you're not mine  
The feeling goes on and on and on_

I feel a light touch on my hand and I immediately open my eyes. I feel tears spilling out and I see Christian through misty eyes.

_Where am I? _

_The sky is almost dark. _

_Did I fall asleep?_

**CPOV**

She gets up and wipes her face and looks at me a little embarrassed. "Hey..." she says in a small voice, taking her airpods and putting them to the side.

"Hey baby, what are you doing up here?" I lean in and give her a small kiss.

"I needed to get away... I just wanted to lie under the open sky. Since I can't really go to the park, this was my next best option."

"That's quite resourceful Miss Steele."

She nods looking down at me holding her hand. She lightly brushes her thumb over the bruises. "I just felt suffocated. Being inside all the time... it gets to me sometimes."

"Did you have a bad dream?"

She shakes her head but doesn't elaborate further so I decide to change the subject.

"Why didn't you stay for the Lot 43 signing? I missed you."

She shrugs. "I didn't feel so great."

"What about now?"

"I'm okay, I guess."

"It's nice up here, sitting like this. I've never taken the time to notice it beyond anything related to Charlie tango or... well that night we came up here."

"Thank god you own this helipad, it would've been awkward waking up to being yelled at to vacate the premises due to a landing." She giggles.

I lean in and kiss her forehead and her eyes. Her face is ice-cold but she tells me she doesn't feel it at all.

After dinner we sit on the couch in the TV room and relax. We talk a little about how she usually spends Ray's birthday. I felt guilty that she couldn't go out to Montesano today but she assured me it was okay. I told her that we could go over the weekend but she said it wasn't necessary. Still, I insisted saying that I wanted to see where she grew up and she acquiesced with a sad smile.

"We were supposed to be Palermo on this day 6 years ago to celebrate his 45th birthday. He hated that we were making such a big deal about it. He didn't like being the center of attention. We had the holiday planned and the tickets booked but a year later I found myself in a hospital bed silently crying. Nita and Nani tried to cheer me up but I eventually just closed my eyes and blocked them out because I was so angry and lost."

I hold her a little tighter. "Did you talk to Nita today?"

"I did. We talked about Dad but I try to keep it light. I didn't want her to be sad."

We sit in silence just staring at the TV. There's a nature relaxation film playing on youtube that shows Norway. She stares at it intently but her mind is elsewhere.

"Welch was able to get Kiran's file." I start and watch her break eye contact with the TV. She is silent for a few moments before asking to see it. I go and get the file from my study and hand it to her. She goes through it and I see her try to stifle a sob.

"What's wrong, Ana?"

"I feel horrible..."

"Don't..." I hold her hand and bring it to my lips for a kiss.

"You don't understand." She completely breaks down at this point, pulling her knees and hands closer to her chest. "After Kate took me to the doctor and everything that first week, the following month I didn't get my period and I panicked even though I had taken Plan B. She took me to her doctor again for a test and Christian the wait for the result was... excruciating. I had already made my decision to terminate the pregnancy if I was but I cannot put into words what I felt during that wait and the week that led up to the doctors visit. I almost fell to the floor crying in relief as Kate held me. The doctor said it was probably just stress given everything. When I saw Kiran go through that... it was difficult. No matter what your beliefs are about something like this... it's a hard decision. I felt for her and myself and I couldn't even confide in her... Looking at this file... I'm just reminded of that time and I'm reminded of how destructive this information is."

"I'm sorry..." I murmur, not being able to offer her any other words of comfort. I can't even begin to comprehend how alone she must have felt. Yes, she had Kate but still; to not know who attacked you and then to possibly have been pregnant. A new wave of rage fills me.

"It's not your fault... you don't have to say that." She says with a small smile. I move in a little closer to kiss her temple and she rests her head on my chest.

"Do you have any idea who Kiran hooked up with?"

"No, but I know for a fact that she knows the person. She lied to my face. She has a tell... she does this thing with her hair when she's lying..."

"What do you mean?"

"When Kiran first met Daniel, she thought he was cute but he was not her type. Kiran likes mysterious bad boy type guys who she has great sexual chemistry with. Daniel... is... _not that_ but in the end Daniel was the good and safe choice but she made him work for it. He chased her for like two years, he was smitten with her... I mean Kiran told me when I was 14 that whenever I choose to get married I should marry a guy who loves me more than I love him to ensure that the marriage is successful and I was happy and taken care of." She rolls her eyes.

"What the fuck is that bullshit about?" _What the hell was a 20 year old doing telling an innocent 14 year old that?_

"Don't know but I called it a _Kiranism_. She has all these sayings that I personally find ridiculous but to each their own. I know way too much about Kiran's life with the exception of one guy. There was this one guy she dated briefly before she finally got with Daniel, she never told me who he was and his name on her phone was 'Jaan' which is a term of endearment and means _life_ but also told me that everything was amazing with him especially in terms of sex. She's like very adventurous and shit...it was always TMI for my pure teenage innocent ears... anyway, it was a relationship that she knew wouldn't be _good as a long-term emotional investment_ – again, her words not mine. I mean I was 15 and I was like okay... whatever, I don't care if you don't tell me his name. I don't know, maybe I'm grasping at straws and it was a random hookup... but then again..." She takes a deep breath and I can tell the wheels are turning. "never mind..."

_What the fuck?_ "No... tell me. I want to know."

"umm, Iook, women... no wait. Let me figure out a way to say this delicately... fuck it... look, Kate, Rania and Kiran are _VERY_ candid when they talk about sex. Like, me... I don't kiss and tell _ANYBODY_." She laughs covering her face and it makes me smile. _My shy girl_. "But the way Kiran talked about this one guy, she's never... and I mean NEVER... talked about Daniel the same way. Like one is a decadent piece of chocolate cake and the other is a fat free, dairy free, vegan, 50 calorie pint of ice-cream." She shrugs and I laugh.

I snort. "Well... that's brutal."

"Yep." She shrugs trying to contain her laughter. "I feel so bad... but he's you know, _he loves her_ and he's willing to go on her sexual adventures and that's what counts right? He's being a good partner and trying to do whatever he can to please the love of his life... and apparently he's gotten much better... so good for him."

"I feel so sorry for him now."

"There's a song about this... all good boys go to heaven but bad boys bring heaven to you." She wiggles her eyebrows.

"Well, well... I wonder which category I fall into?" I lean in and bite her lip.

"Mr. Grey, you have your own special category." She smiles and gives me a kiss. "Also, not a word of any of this to Elliot. Promise me." She gives me signature '_obey me or else' _look and it's adorable. I could never say no to her.

"Don't worry, I'm not telling that gossip queen anything." I smirk. "So what about this mystery guy, why wouldn't the family have approved?"

"I don't know... I think she just used that as an excuse. I mean Daniel didn't get introduced to the parentals officially until four years ago. Till then he was just Vishaal and Karan's friend. Come to think of it, you have got be the _only_ guy who got introduced almost immediately as a boyfriend and didn't get _ANY_ shit from anyone. I mean poor Daniel, we put him the wringer for sure."

"I mean look at me, I'm Mr. One Hunnid." I smirk and she bursts out laughing.

"Rania has created a monster." She pulls my face closer to hers and peppers my lips with kisses.

"So she doesn't love Daniel? Then why marry him?"

"No, she loves him... but there's obviously an imbalance. Also, Daniel comes from a good, well-respected family and he's just a good and safe choice. It's like she had her fun and now this is serious and good choice she made for the rest of her life."

"Sounds like she may one day wake up with regrets."

"For Daniel's sake, I hope not. I hope she can find peace and truly continue to love him the way he deserves to be loved. He doesn't deserve any sadness. He's such a good guy, Christian." Her voice wavers.

I tip her head towards me. "None of this is your fault Ana, I know you feel for him but in the end, you did none of this."

"You're only saying this because it's me. How would you feel if Elliot or Mia were in Daniel's place? Wouldn't you want them to know?"

I think for a few moments. "I guess you're right, I would but again, this is between Kiran and him."

She lightly shakes her head but doesn't say anything for a while.

"I've been talking to Flynn about my relationship with Kiran as well... "

"What does he say?"

"He hasn't said anything that I didn't already know. She expects information from me. I mean just because she _chose_ to tell me shit about herself doesn't mean I have to reciprocate. At the rehearsal dinner after our conversation about her trying for a baby, she quickly turned it on to me. I can tell she's really bothered that I don't talk about our life and us. I keep it very general. I mean... I just never had a romantic interest before so I didn't have anything to share and Kiran, Rania and Kate would just over share all the time and they're comfortable doing that. Good for them but I'm not like that."

"What does she want to know exactly?"

"Girl talk shit. I mean Kate and Rania joke about shit all the time and it never feels like it's coming from a place of malice, it's always just light humor and they understand when I don't divulge anything, they get it and they don't push me any further... but I'm realizing now how insufferable Kiran can be sometimes." Her face is tense and she rubs her forehead.

"What happened, baby? Did she say anything?"

"She wanted to know how things were between us and when we were thinking of tying the knot because I should've had a ring on my finger by now and that I should bag you before it's too late. Then she took it upon herself to tell me that I shouldn't play the innocent virgin act for too long because you'll get bored or distracted and that I have no idea _how these big money type guys really are_ so she tried to give me tips and I was like _stoppp! _And then she goes, I just want to make sure things are okay for you, you're so inexperienced when it comes to relationships and you need to make sure you're both satisfied and I was like, _bitch look at us, do we look dissatisfied?"_ She sasses and it makes me laugh. "It's just that her tone, it felt so condescending like... I don't know if it's my own insecurity talking but like it almost felt like she was saying that I'm not good enough for you or that I will fuck this up unless I follow her directive. It's so different from how Rania talks about us. Like yeah, she makes jokes but she's also so supportive and always makes sure that I know she's only joking and she's never burdening me to tell her stuff she always says, I'm here if you need me. That's it." She smiles fondly while talking about her.

"I don't understand what the fuck is her problem?" _Why the fuck is she trying to poison Ana's mind?_

"FOMO is her problem." She breathes out in frustration.

"FOMO?" _What the fuck is that? Is it a disease?_

"Yeah, fear of missing out. She wants to know shit. " I want to laugh but bite my tongue. "When I was younger I was just this place for an information dump... and now she expects the same so she can wear those big sister shoes and wave around that honor... but I don't want or need her advice. Rania sent me a voice note telling me that Kiran asked her _since when are you so friendly with Christian?_ And Rania was like, _since I didn't leak their photos to the press_." She deadpans and I burst out laughing.

"Okay, we can keep Rania. I like her."

She giggles. "Yeah, Rania doesn't fuck around."

"Maybe you should tell her stuff, twist the knife a little." I smirk and wink at her.

She laughs a little. "I should, shouldn't I?" but then she shakes her head. "No, I won't ever tell her anything in detail. Don't want that bad energy directed at us. Nani told me once that not everyone wants to hear about how happy you are. Most people want to really hear how miserable you are so they can feel like they're not alone."

I hold her tight and breathe in the scent of her shampoo. It smells of jasmine and I feel even more relaxed that before.

"How was your session with Flynn today?" I ask after a few minutes.

"Not good. Today was exceptionally... I had a hard time articulating my feelings and I ended up crying for most of the session. Maybe cause of dad's birthday."

"What happened, baby?"

She takes a deep breath and sits up and turns to me but our eyes don't meet. She plays with the tassels of the cushion on her lap and twirls through her fingers.

"There was such a significant disconnect between my two worlds before. I had become so good at suppressing everything and I was able to function normally and be you know... somewhat happy? I wasn't sad all the time... but now I can't escape it. Everything in my life is colliding and I know I wanted this. I wanted my life to grow but all of this is just too hard." She buries her face in her hands and sobs.

"I'm starting to remember little details and I can't make any sense of it. My dreams aren't making and sense. I just see random shit and..." she looks up at me. "I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm really trying to get better but this feels harder than all the shit I went through in recovery... and I'm starting to feel suffocated. My usual coping mechanisms, I can't access them. How many puzzles can I do or books can I read or movies can I watch cooped up here? I'm not trying to be bratty or ungrateful but this is like a repeat of my life in San Francisco. I miss going out for a walk and sitting on the grass and... I'm sorry. I'm just having a hard time adapting. I've really been trying but... it's really getting to me now. I'm not used to all this extravagance. I mean... I really miss grocery shopping." She giggles a little and it makes me smile.

"Why didn't you tell me before, Ana?"

"I thought I could handle it... but talking to Flynn today I realized I can't. "

"Tell me baby, how can I make it better for you?"

"I'm not telling you all this to make you feel bad, Christian... I'm just struggling and I don't know what the answer is yet. Flynn wants me to seriously consider medication and I don't want to. I spent three years being doped up on various medications and I hated it."

"I know can understand that. He wanted me to start taking sleeping pills for the longest time but I refused to."

"We're so stubborn aren't we?" she says with a small smile and I nod.

"What about your dreams, what do you remember?"

"New things... the color of a bed sheet it was silk and white and the smell of sandalwood and vanilla... seeing stars and the smell of cigarettes... I remember neon lights. I remember seeing a painting above me with a woman falling, that's new. None of it makes sense."

"Have you tried to retrace your steps from that night? Any pictures... anything?"

"I don't think I had my phone that night because there were no pictures on it when I went through it the next morning. I remember very little from that night. I just vaguely remember getting ready with Kiran and Rania, they did my hair and makeup and Rania said we went to his apartment to meet everyone else and pre game a little before we head out... that's all and if I ask them questions about it now that could raise alarms. Especially for Rania... I think I'm also afraid of remembering everything... I don't know if I'll be able to handle it." She shakes her head and opens her mouth to say something else but can't seem to find the words to speak.

"Any idea where you guys went maybe?"

She shakes her head. "Some club in SF... "

"Whenever you feel like you're up to it, try and ask Rania for some details just to try and see if you can get a clearer picture..."

"Yeah... maybe." She mumbles. "I just feel like this is all building to something... like it's going to keep getting worse. I have this gut feeling... something is about to happen and I can't shake it."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't explain it. I just know... something... something is about to happen and I've felt this way before... but it's never been this extreme." She shakes her head.

"Hey, look at me." She looks up at me and I pull her in close. "Nothing is going to happen to you, I promise you." She doesn't say anything but lays her head on my chest again and I rub her back.

"Did you tell Flynn about what happened yesterday and about the car?"

"I did. He wants me to tell Nita. That I shouldn't let guilt of things that I had no hand in, consume me in my desire to not hurt her. I get what he's saying, I do, I just... it's like unthreading everything... this fabric that I've been bound in, years of manipulation and sweet talk." She goes on to talk about how aside from our personal biases whatever he does in public, much like how Elena did, everything seems normal and innocent and that facing all this head on is proving to be even more difficult than she initially realized.

She takes a deep breath before speaking again. "As far as what happened yesterday... it reminded me of my encounter with him the day of the wedding brunch before I fainted..." her face gets tense and her eyes blink rapidly.

"Hey, listen... it's okay if you don't want to talk about it." even though I desperately want to know what happened.

"No... it's fine... I can't keep this buried any longer. I kept all this hidden because it's so painful to talk about but now I feel like it's poisoning my insides. When I left the cottage... he was behind me so he yanked my arm and slammed m a against the brick wall pinning me with his body." She closes her eyes and takes a few moments. "He had learned from before when I kneed him so he made sure I couldn't move my legs. He said...sorry, I need a minute to translate... it doesn't matter what I do because he was always going to have been there first and he will be there last. It was just a matter of time till I finally realized it. He was angry and disappointed that I was with you. That it's my fault this all happened in the first place, if only I had not been so stubborn... and then he tried to kiss me but I turned my face away and that's when we heard someone walking in our direction and he loosened his grip on me a little... I pushed him away and ran to come find you guys...and last night, I felt like I was back there and I felt paralyzed... and then I was just lost."

_I want to murder the asshole. I want him in the fucking ground._

"Come here." I open my arms and she climbs on top of me and holds on to me tightly but she doesn't cry. She barely breathes but I feel her shiver. "He's a one delusional son of a bitch. He'll never fucking touch you that way again... and if he tries to, I'll kill him with my bare hands."

"I'm trying, Christian, I'm really trying to get better." I feel her tears against my neck.

"I know you are and I will be here with you every step of the way. You are so strong, Ana."

"I couldn't do any of this without you. I need you." She says with a strained voice.

I pull her face back and wipe her tears. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be by your side throughout. I promise."

She nods and I lean in to kiss her

* * *

_Saturday, June 6__th__, 2020_

I take the exit off the highway and drive into the little town of Montesano. Ana asks that we stop by her middle school first which is on our way to the breakfast place she loves.

"Okay so, this is my middle school. This is where Nita and Ray first met." I park the car and she walks me to the spot where Ray would wait for her and she'd walk from the school gates and meet him. We walk into the playground where she used to hangout during recess and she tells me the story of how she met Nita and how Nita met Ray.

"Nita started out as a substitute teacher first and she became a geography teacher. I remember the first time she came to our class because I was just so mesmerized by her. She was just so beautiful and her hair was long and braided like a south Asian Rapunzel... and I just wanted to be friends with her. She asked us to do one of those projects where you research a country you want to visit and I obviously did Italy. I had geography last period and she'd always walk us out to the playground and hang with the other teachers as the kids were picked up or left. The day we had to present, she wore Indian clothes and did a small presentation of her own about where she was from in India."

We go to the swings and sit for a bit, she gently swings and tells me the story. She looks so young and full of life and joy.

"I just couldn't stop staring at her and I was in love with what she was wearing, it was a white shalwar kameez... I just wanted her to be my mom. Like, I instinctively knew it. I had never had that kind of reaction before. I had never looked at a woman and thought, she'd be amazing for Ray and she'd be good to me. It's so weird but that day when she stood outside, I hung around her like a leech and asked her like a million questions that I forgot Ray was waiting for me. Ray eventually freaked out and walked over to look for me and saw me talking to Nita... when he got closer I was like 'hey dad, this is my teacher Miss Nita, she's from India and she told us all about it. She turned around and I could see Ray's face just... like he was gone. Ray was usually this really reserved person who always knew what to say but in front of Nita I actually heard him stumble. I was like wait... _what just happened?_ Nita was her usual charming self and of course praised my project cause I was the fucking bomb at that shit in school." She says with her usual sass. I fucking love it. I can't help but laugh. "

"And then, I mean you've heard her, she's the most sophisticated and soft-spoken woman ever and the British accent really helps too... I mean the first time she accidently called me Aana, she immediately corrected herself and I was like, no girlfriend... _you can TOTALLY call me that_. I felt so fancy when she called me Aana... I felt like a million bucks." She sasses, making me chuckle.

"So yeah, Ray really tripped over his words and it was embarrassing but we finally walked away and he asked me a million questions about her and then every other day, he'd walk in to pick me up to see Nita. At first I was like why is he coming to pick me up and then it hit me but I was like, _I have to be smooth about this_. That's how Operation: _Hook up Ray Steele and Nita Karim began_." She can't stop laughing.

We make our way to head out and get breakfast.

We stop at the local diner that Ana and Ray used to frequent when she was growing up here. The owner was Ray's army buddy and Ana tells me that they have an extra set of keys to the house and go there every now and then to check in on things and sometimes use it when they're kids and grandkids need a place to stay during their family reunions. Nita sends them money to have the house cleaned every so often, especially around the time of his birthday in case Ana wants to visit. Except, Ana hasn't visited the house since the accident. Today she wants to change that.

"Mr. Pancakes?" I ask with a laugh.

"I know, super corny but Ray and Mr. Davis loved pancakes and this name is a result of a drunken night apparently. They were known to be like the pancake chefs in their unit... and we'd come here for breakfast almost every Sunday, sometimes even 2-3 times a week. It was a thing and honestly they are some of the best pancakes I've ever had." She giggles.

We walk in and the lady ringing up the cash register looks up almost screams. "ANA STEELE." Ana laughs and walks towards her as the woman runs around the counter and envelopes her in a hug. She's in her late 50's with short grey hair and a warm smile.

"My god, you look so beautiful, so grown up. You get more and more beautiful every time I see you." I have to agree with her.

"Oh god... enough of that. I have missed you. How are you? Is Mr. Davis here? What about Kristen? It's been _forever_... oh by the way, this is my boyfriend Christian, I'm giving him the grand tour of our amazing little town." She beams back and me and holds out her hand. I walk towards her and smile.

"It's lovely to meet you Mrs. Davis, Ana tells me that the pancakes here are amazing."

"Oh please, stop with the formalities you two, just call me Jane. I'm so happy you both are here, let me take you to your usual booth."

She leads us to a booth that has a three pictures hanging over on the wall. One of Ray and who I suspect Mr. Davis to be standing and holding the evidence of success from a fishing trip and one picture of Ana and Ray sitting in the booth, eating pancakes and the last one of Ray standing with his unit. The words 'Steele's Booth' read over on the wall.

"Joe will be out in a bit, he's going to be so happy to see you. We thought we'd see you earlier in the week..."

"I'm sorry about that, it was a work thing and I couldn't take off, besides it's better coming today, I won't feel so rushed to get back." Ana give a small smile and I feel a pang of guilt.

"I'm happy you're here, the usual?" Jane asks with a warm smile and twinkling eyes.

"Yep, the usual and maybe we'll Christian can look at the menu and see what he likes?"

"I'll have pancakes too, whatever you recommend Jane."

"Well Ana dear loves her pancakes with a dulce de leche sauce topped with peaches and pecans and Ray loved his the apple pie pancakes, how about I get you guys that? We'll celebrate him."

"Sounds perfect Jane." I smile back. She walks away with excitement and gives in the order to the back.

Ana looks up to the wall and gets lost in thought. I can see tears start to form in her eyes. I grab her hand and she suddenly comes back to earth and smiles at me.

"It was such a sweet gesture for them to do this after Dad died. Joe and Dad were best friends. They even came up to see me in SF a few times and made us all pancakes. It was so sweet. I wish I could do something more than just coming back once a year." She says wistfully.

I smile back at her and squeeze her hand. "I love this picture of you and Ray. You look adorable, a tiny Ana." She's sitting in the same spot she is right now, wearing a yellow dress, with her hair in a ponytail and a white ribbon tied on it. She couldn't be more than 4 or 5 years old in the photo. She smiles at it.

Even right now, she's wearing an off the shoulder white summer dress with her hair in her signature ponytail with a black ribbon tied up in a bow around it. She looks young and innocent, just like in the picture.

"It's one of my favorites." She smiles trying to stop the tears falling, and we hear a loud booming voice echo through the restaurant.

"I HEAR A STEELE IS IN THE RESTAURANT!" A tall man in his early 50's with a muscular build, I suspect to be Joe Davis walks towards us with open arms and a big smile. Ana jumps up and returns the hug and he kisses her temple. "I've missed my favorite member of the Steele family."

Ana giggles. "I've missed you all too, how are you?" They exchange pleasantries and catch up and Ana introduces me. Joe gives me a strong handshake that I think will break my hand but I take it in stride. I suppose Ray would've been like this too.

"It's good to meet you son, just take care of our girl of Steele here and we'll be good." Joe says with a laugh and wink. Ana rolls her eyes.

We sit back down and soon enough our food comes and we start to eat. It's delicious. Half way through we switch plates and I find Ana's version of pancakes to be better.

"This is where Ray asked Nita for a date. Or rather I asked Nita out on a date for Ray." Ana laughs.

"You didn't..." I look at surprised.

"Yeah, we usually would come here on Sunday mornings at around 9am or so but for some reason that particular Sunday morning we decided to come by at noon and we were in our usual booth and were about to get done with our breakfast when I saw Nita walk in and take that seat outside by the window there." She points to the front of diner and I turn to look back. "She had come with a book and placed her order and was waiting for her food to come. I was watching her the whole time and I knew that Ray liked her cause it _was so fucking obvious_... anyway, we exit the diner and I immediately run up to Nita and am all like, 'hi miss nita, I didn't know you liked pancakes too and blah blah' and she stands up and gives me a kiss on the cheek and shakes hands with Ray who is again tongue tied _as usual_." She's so animated, imitating Nita and Ray as she tells me, it's hilarious and she looks breath taking.

"... and Nita is her usual teacher self, all _Hi Mr. Steele, I hope you've been well, Aana's been doing great in school_ etc and I totally went in for the kill and basically said _"Miss Nita would you like to go on a date with my dad."_ Like... Boom. Right there. No place to hide. Ray was _dumbfounded_, he squeezed my hand and gave me this look of like... _shut the fuck up_... and then looked back at Nita all embarrassed and Nita just laughed, like a genuine big laugh and said '_I'd love to, I had been waiting for you to ask me yourself though." _I mean... props to Nita right? _Totally smooth_.And Ray just smiled like a shy schoolboy it was so beautiful... and guess what I did next?" Ana looks at me laughing.

I can't help but laugh "I don't know Miss Steele, you're quite unpredictable so I can't guess."

"I was like, _can I come on the date too?_ and Ray looked down at me and said no, this will be a grown up date and burst my bubble right there." She throws her head back laughing. I want so badly to lean in and kiss her in this moment but I'll wait till we're in private. "Anyway, we got back to the car and he was like _Annie, I can't believe you did that but thank you. Now I have to figure out what the hell I'm going to wear._ So we went to the mall and got him a nice sports jacket and they started texting, I mean it was so cute and the day of the date, when Ray got all dressed up he was like a different man. I mean all cleaned up, wearing cologne, I mean a real heartthrob and he hired our neighbors daughter to babysit me and I tried to stay up but I fell asleep doing my homework on the sofa and when he came home he picked up to tuck me into bed and immediately woke up and bombarded him with questions. _What did you eat, what did she wear... all that bullshit and then I ended with, did you kiss her, are you going to marry her?_ And he was like _yeah I kissed her and I would like to marry her but please for the love of god do not ask her to marry me. I'd like to do that myself._" She's completely beside herself laughing and I am too. God she was such a ray of light even then. _A godsend._

"Miss Steele, you're incredible you know that. I loved this story so much."

She shrugs playfully, "I try, I try." I love it when she does that. That's my Ana. Through all the pain and suffering she still finds a way to shine through.

We leave to head over to Ana's childhood home. She becomes a little quiet and just looks out the window.

"Baby, are you sure you want to do this? You don't have to." I hold out my hand and she takes it.

"No, it's okay, I can't avoid it forever... besides it's an important part of the tour and my story that I want to share with you." Her voice is low and strained as if she's about to cry but she gives me a small smile.

We drive up her street, it's on a slight hill and a dead end. Her house is at the very end. We park in the driveway and get out. She walks up to the front door and runs her finger over the numbers 910 on the door before looking for the keys in her bag. She takes them out and takes a deep breath and takes a moment. I hug from behind and kiss her cheek and rest my face on her shoulder. She nods and I feel a tear fall from her eye. I kiss her cheek again. She puts the key in, unlocks the door and opens it taking a step in. She takes off her shoes and walks into the tv room. It's a small, two-story house, perfect as a starter home for a small family.

The house is modestly decorated and decorated with tons of pictures. Mostly of Ana and Ray and then a few with Nita as well on their family trips and birthdays. She walks into the kitchen and checks to see if there's anything to drink. She finds tea only and a few bottles of beer. She offers me some but I decline so to put on a kettle of hot water to make some tea.

"This was our humble abode." She says smiling but there are tears in her eyes. I go and hug her again. "I'm fine Christian, I promise. I just can't believe I'm here and how much I've missed it."

"I'm so happy to be here with you right now, Ana" she rests her head on my chest. Soon the kettle goes off and she makes herself some tea. We walk back to the couch and she pulls out a family album from under the coffee table. She shows me pictures of her as a 2 year old with Ray and Carla. Then the album progresses to just pictures of her and Ray, birthdays and holidays, their adventures to vintage car shows, hiking, fly-fishing, in what looks like Ray's carpentry studio and pancake breakfasts. There's even a picture of her and Ray with the space needle in the background. He showed her so much love and gave her such a fulfilling childhood. The album moves on with a series of pictures with Nita being a part of their lives, from wedding pictures to family trips, a few of Nita being pregnant and pictures inside the house in general and finally ends with two pictures one of with with Ana's 17th birthday. She's wearing a happy birthday cone hat with Nita and Ray kissing her cheeks. Then there's a polaroid picture of them standing in front of a Christmas Tree in 2012. There are no pictures after that.

She goes to the front of the album and pulls a photo from the front sleeve and shows it to me. It's an image of Ray and Nita from what looks like their wedding day. Ray is wearing an Indian ensemble, similar to what Scooter wore on his wedding and he looks handsome. Nita is wearing something simple, similar to what Ana wore on Eid but it's with an ornate headpiece.

"Did Ray and Nita have an Islamic marriage too?"

"No they didn't. I mean people still do it, but ideally you have to convert in order for the marriage to be valid. So Nita and Ray first got married at SF city hall and then just got dressed up for a small gathering at the Scott Street house. This photo is from that gathering where Nani got Ray a sherwani and shalwar kameez made. He looks really handsome though." She smiles and traces the picture with her fingers.

She pulls out another album that's just pictures of Nita and Ray's wedding. Some of the city hall wedding and then of the wedding party after. There are pictures of Kiran, Vishaal and Ana. Ana looks adorable. She's in a yellow ensemble that's comprised of a blouse and a ball gown skirt with a scarf draped across to make it look like sari, similar to how she looked on Kiran's wedding for the Hindu ceremony. Her hair is braided and she's wearing a small headpiece. She looks so innocent and beautiful and her blue eyes are striking as always. There are pictures of her dancing and hugging everyone. I see Karan, Rania and Aashu as well as her other cousins, dancing and cuddling her.

"What was it like meeting Nita's family? Were you at all nervous?"

"Not really. I was just happy I was going to get on a plane and see the golden gate bridge. I was just concerned with my social calendar." She laughs a little. "Nita and Ray had been dating about 2 months and then he proposed to her. So Nita went to SF to visit and told her parents and her sister. Nana wasn't exactly pleased with the idea but got over it once he met Ray and I. When I went to SF, I only got nervous when we showed up to their house cause it looked like a mansion from the outside and I'd never seen stuff like that except on TV. Nita had told Kiran and Vishaal how much I liked board games and ice-cream and pancakes. They made me feel at home in that first meeting. They took me to the basement and we watched a movie and played monopoly. Then whenever we'd visit, they would take me out for ice-cream and genuinely got to know me and I became really good friends with them. Nani, immediately took me under her wing. She would visit once a month and dote on me. She'd put coconut oil in my hair, brush it, and cook for me and teach me whatever I wanted to know because I had so many freaking questions. Operation brainwash and transform Ana was in full effect." She laughs again.

"When we got done at City Hall and we walked out. I was so happy Christian. I looked up at Nita and asked her if I could call her 'Mama' and she started crying, and I thought I made a mistake or something but she hugged me so hard and said that she'd be so honored. It had been the one of the best moments of my life at that point." Ana wipes tears from her cheek still holding on to the photo of Ray and Nita. "then we went back home and got ready for the evening party. I got dressed up in a lehnga choli for the first time, Kiran helped me get ready. She did my hair and gave me her jewelry and put blush on me. Alia Khala ordered brand new clothes and bangles from India for me. I finally felt like I was a part of something bigger. I didn't feel insignificant. I never worried about them not loving me, I had no fear of abandonment from them until after..." she shrugs.

I kiss her temple. "You're light shines through each and every image. You look so happy in all these photos. I could stare at them all day." I tell her.

"I love you, Mr. Grey." She leans in for a kiss on my cheek.

We look at some more pictures and one catches my eye. "Who's this woman hugging you?"

She smiles fondly. "This is Karan and Aashu's mom."

"She's beautiful."

"She was and such a sweetheart. She went to finishing school with Nita but was a few years older than her. She was so sweet to me. I remember when I was I think 13, that thanksgiving we went to SF, she was so loving towards me... she'd brush my hair and braid it and that trip she gave me advice. She said, well... I'm translating it so it may sound a little weird but she said that I shouldn't let everyone look into my eyes for too long because not everyone deserved to live in my eyes that the wrong person could end up taking my light away."

_Except, he stole her light. He tried to break her._

"I think I understand what that means." And I'm suddenly reminded of my conversation with Nani during the meeting from a couple of weeks ago.

"_Aana held out her hand and greeted me and called me Nani with her beautiful, piercing blue eyes. I searched for that moment for almost 65 years up until that point."_

"I was talking to Karan about it a couple of weeks ago. It was the anniversary of her death and we were sharing memories and I told him about this and he said that was mum's nice way of saying, don't fall in love with an asshole." She giggles.

"Well thank god you didn't." I smirk.

"I fell in love with the best man in the world." She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me deeply.

She leads me up the stairs to her room. She stands outside of the closed door and looks to me.

"My room is like a flea market so brace yourself." She giggles.

I lean in and kiss her nose. "Bracing for impact Miss Steele."

She opens the door and we walk into a room that's similar in size to her Seattle apartment before she moved in with me but a little smaller maybe. It's filled with warm afternoon light. The walls are a pale pink filled with posters of her favorite bands and big maps of Italy and India. There's a book shelf with books, all the classics and some about cars and one on how to learn Italian. The top has little figurines of the taj mahal, tower of pisa, a sky blue colored VW bug named Wanda and a small ceramic rose that looks like a jewelry box. I see a print of Monet's water lilies frame on the wall. I see small souvenirs from different countries that Kiran would bring for her from her trips abroad.

"Feel free to ask me any questions about the exhibit." She laughs.

"Your room is beautiful. Just like the one in the Seattle, gives me a little glimpse into teenage Anastasia." I hold her face and kiss her.

"Teenage Anastasia was quite the loner and spent a lot of time in this room." She gives me a small smile.

"I was kind of the same too. I spent a lot of time in my room." I share.

"Look at us two loners, we found each other. Now we can be loners together." She smiles back up at me with her arms around my waist and she tiptoes and gives me a small kiss. I hold her face and stare into her eyes. She just pulls me in, I get lost in them and never want to be found.

"I love you so much Ana, and I'm so honored you chose to share this part of your life with me. I know it's difficult but it means the world to me." I stroke her cheek and tears fall from her eyes.

"You're the only person I want to share all of me with."

I go on for a kiss, a long, languid all consuming kiss. Not letting her move or breathe. I take over her mouth completely to show her how much I love her and need her.

I break away and she takes a few seconds to open her eyes, out of breath. I have to smile, I love doing this to her. I'll never get tired of this reaction where she loses herself completely.

**APOV**

I'm out of breath. Desperately trying to recover and come back to earth. His eyes are dark and full of desire. I want him so badly.

"So tell me Miss Steele, am I the first boy you've ever brought to your room?" he asks seductively.

I have to blink a few times to find my words. "... uh.. umm... yes, Mr. Grey." I sound so needy and out of breath.

"In that case, what are you going to do with me now that I'm here. I already have multiple fantasies of what I'd love do to you." He gives me a smile that melts me.

I feel my panties get drenched at the sound of that idea.

"I've never made out with a boy in my room." _And never thought it'd be possible_

"Hmm, that can be arranged. Do I get to all bases?"

"Depends on how good of a kisser you are." I shrug and give him my sassiest smile. He laughs and kisses my neck.

"Allow me to demonstrate my skill set Miss Steele." He chuckles.

He takes me and we fall on to the bed while he's on top me. He looks me in the eyes and strokes my cheek and leans in for a kiss.

He starts with small, light kisses and then I start to feel his tongue against my lip, asking for permission. I open my mouth a little more and our tongues do their familiar dance, as he runs his hand down my neck to my sternum then over my breasts, kneading them before heading to my hip. He grinds into me ever so slowly and I start to lose myself and grind back throwing my legs over him. The friction drives me insane.

_Teenage Ana would die if she saw this._

He moves his lips down to my neck, sucking and nipping my skin "Tell me Miss Steele, am I a good kisser..." he asks between kisses as I pull gently on his hair. He trails back up to my ear and bites my earlobe.

"Yes... don't stop..." I moan and I feel him smile against my neck. He grinds again and I mewl. "I'm ready for this fantasy to progress now..." I tell him panting and he laughs a little.

"I've got you where I want you Miss Steele."

_Asshole._

But he makes me laugh so I can't exactly be mad at him.

He lifts up my dress and rips my panties. I fucking love it and hate it when he does that. I make quick work of unbuckling his belt and stroke him. He lets out a stifled moan into my neck. He positions himself and enters me as slow as he can. I can't help but arch my back and moan loudly. I love this, every time he enters me I get lost in this sensation of him filing me to the hilt. His entire body weight rests on me with his forearm above my head and one hand cupping my face as he runs his nose along mine. I try to move and create friction but he doesn't let me.

"Just feel me baby." He says as his lips lightly touch mine. "I love being inside you, I love that we fit so well together, that we were made for each other." His voice and his words are almost my undoing. "Always meant to be."

I lift up his shirt to take it off and he helps me unbutton the front of my dress and plays with my breasts. I hold his face and kiss him, he parts his lips and I try my best not to move my body as I wrestle with his tongue. I break the kiss and look into his eyes filled with desire. "I love you so much Christian" I say but the emotion in my voice betrays me as it wavers.

He closes his eyes and rests his forehead against mine. "I love you Ana, you are everything to me." He kisses me, an all-consuming kiss meant to take everything I have and starts to slowly move. It's heaven and torture at the same time. I tighten myself around him and he grunts into my neck, kissing and sucking on my skin ever so often.

He slowly makes love to me. With each thrust I reach higher and higher, I'm unable to control myself as I moan his name. He covers my mouth with his and I suddenly feel his fingers tease my clit... bringing me closer till I can't hold it any longer and we both come together. I feel him spasm inside of me as he fills me. We're both completely spent and out of breath at the intensity of what we just experienced. He looks at me with that same look that I revere and fear all at the same time. _Will he always look at me like that? _I'm so overcome with emotion of what I feel for him that tears fall and he wipes them away, kissing my eyes and telling me he loves me.

After a series of soft kisses, he moves lying on my side and pulling me with him. We lay in comfortable silence for a little while as he idly plays with my hair.

"This was your skylight?" Christian asks softly, looking up. It's a small rectangular skylight recessed into the roof.

"Yeah, it was my little window into dreamland. The sky is always clear here... at least that's what I remember... and I didn't feel scared of falling asleep alone because there would always be moonlight or I could see the stars and that gave me comfort."

He kisses my forehead and snuggle into him a little more.

"I guess it's a good thing that you and I were not closer in age or met in high school." I muse.

"Why?"

"Cause you would've kept me distracted with your sexpertise, Christian Grey and then Ray would've really used his shotgun."

He lets out a big laugh. "Where you do come up with these words? Kinky fuckery... sexpertise?"

I get up and straddle him. "I'm a genius, Grey. Get with the program." He smirks at me and sits up so that we're close. I feel him hard and throbbing underneath me. He takes off my dress and throws it on the floor.

"I think I want to use my sexpertise to fuck you, Miss Steele. Would teenage Ana be into that?"

"Only if you promise to fuck me hard." I bite his lip trying to stifle a giggle and he gives me his signature bad boy smirk. We need this. After all the emotions and the mess of this week, we need this moment. We need to connect and really be with each other. Sex strengthens our connection and it makes everything feel right again.

He lifts me and I take him in but he keeps the pace slow and measured. I don't ever mind him being in control but sometimes a girl wants to be in charge. He looks into my eyes as he controls my movements. He travels down my neck with kisses and as soon as he gets to my breast he circles my nipple with tip of his tongue, never breaking eye contact while his fingers twist the other. With our eyes locked he takes my nipple between his teeth and lightly bites down and it causes me to throw my head back and moan his name. He's going to fucking kill me this way. It's a slow torture and I want more and I don't think I can take the slow pace anymore. I know what will really spur him on but do I want to summon Dom Christian right now?

_Yes I do_.

It's been a week and since I saw him and I want him.

I pull his face up mine and I kiss him deeply, whispering against his lips. "Harder, Sir. Please." I look into his eyes and he gives me the look I've been craving to see. "I need you." I tell him and I suddenly feel him tighten his grip around my hips. He turns and pins me down to the bed with my arms stretched above me and he leans into me.

"Tell me Anastasia... you want me to fuck you hard... here?" His breathing is labored and his eyes are full of dark and full of lust.

"Yes, Sir." I say out of breath. "Please fuck me." _You're turned me into a needy ass hoe, what else did you expect, Grey?_

His lips curl into a devilish smile and he moves a little and then positions himself against my opening and rams into me as hard as he can and it's everything I've needed for the past week. I loudly moan as he fucks me. "More, Christian... I want more..." I urge him between thrusts and we lock eyes and he leans in to me and we moan in between our wet and sloppy kisses. I get lost in the sensation of him possessing me and come hard and loud as my whole body arches. He follows immediately after burying his face in my breasts and biting down as hard as he can. The pain sets me off again and I scream in pleasure as another orgasm hits before I'm even come down from the high of the first one.

_I love how he can make my body do that._

We lie panting, trying to catch our breaths and a giggle escapes me.

"What's so funny Miss Steele?" he asks, lightly biting and kissing my neck.

"17 year old Ana would totally laugh or hold a shotgun in my face if I went back and told about what just happened here."

"I think 17 year old Christian would laugh in my face too if I told him about this hot girl I'm with right now." He chuckles.

"We had zero faith in ourselves. Now look at us..." I muse.

"It's all because of you baby..." He pulls my face to him and kisses me deeply. We lay like this for a while, looking into each other's eyes and making out like teenagers, whispering _I love yous._

Soon the room starts to get a little too warm. We get up and clean up a little bit. I show him the small guest bedroom and then Ray and Nita's room down the hall.

"I remember when I first got my period, I was in so much pain. Nita had already explained a couple of months before that I would most probably start to get a 'monthly visitor from Mother Nature'" She giggles "but when it finally happened, it was painful as fuck. I couldn't sit, stand or lie down. I was just restless. The cramps were excruciating and I was in a miserable mood. So Nita brought me in to her bed and cuddled me like a baby. She rubbed my back and gave me a heated water bottle. "

I feel my eyes water at the memory and I find myself unable to step into the room. It still smells of Ray.

Christian kisses my forehead. "Nita has been a wonderful mother to you."

"She has. She has been so selfless with me and I feel so guilty as of late. I've been a shitty daughter lost in her own issues."

"Hey, look at me." Christian, holds my chin tipping it up to look at him. "You're not a shitty daughter. I see how you call and text her everyday and do your best to include her in everything while still giving her space. Stop being so hard on yourself all the time." He peppers my lips with a few kisses and tickles me, making me laugh and engulfs me in a big hug.

**CPOV**

I never thought I'd ever be this in love and to fall even more and more in love with her. It doesn't stop and I don't want it to.

As we descend the stairs and are a halfway down, she stops and sits down. I sit with her and look at her.

"When Nita and Ray would have date night at home, at 8:30pm I was ordered to go upstairs to bed cause it was always a damn school night. It was so annoying... Ray would always put on music and I'd creep down and sit here and watch them dance. It was so romantic and beautiful. Ray wasn't a dancer but he would just hold Nita close and sway with her." She starts to cry and then laughs a little

"Ray could always tell when I sat down, even though I used to be quiet as a mouse, after one song he'd just say 'Annie, go back upstairs now' but he never scolded me about it. I think he wanted me to see that and know that love existed because I never saw it between him and Carla. She was always distant and they'd fight every now and then. He never showed her affection the way he did Nita. Sometimes, they wouldn't dance, they'd just sit and hold each other and have a glass of wine or a beer." She wipes a tear and smiles looking down into the room.

She points and shows me where they used to dance behind the couch and between the bay window. "He always played the Natalie Cole unforgettable album and started with the same song. I'd tell you the song but it's in French and I'll definitely butcher it." She looks at me and giggles.

"What's it called?" I stroke her cheek. She proceeds to take out her phone and I stop her. "No tell me." I smile.

She rolls her eyes. "It was called darling, je vous aime beaucoup..." she scrunches up her face in embarrassment.

"you said it beautifully baby, je t'aime beaucoup."

She smiles back saying "pour toujours" and kisses me.

"I thought you didn't know French Miss Steele." I hover over her lips.

"Only a few words, I was hoping you can teach me more?" The little gesture means so much and make my heart soar.

"I'd love to baby."

She gets up and we get to the bottom of the stairs and I ask for her phone, she gives it to me with a puzzled look and I look for the song she mentioned. I press play. "May I have this dance Miss Steele?" I ask as I hold out my hand. She smiles with tears in her eyes and takes my hand. I place the phone on the window sill and start to dance with her. She giggles when I twirl her and holds me tight when resting her head on my chest. We sway to the music and I kiss her hair. I tip her head back to me and she tries her best not to cry. I kiss her soft and warm lips and rest my head in the crook of her neck as the song plays on.

The song ends but we stand together for a little while longer, still swaying to our own rhythm. She looks up with a smile "I love dancing with you. Deep down I always wanted something like that and never knew if it was ever meant for me but you've given me everything I've ever dared to dream of."

_Her words floor me._

I kiss her "Thank you for saying yes and letting me be your forever dance partner. I kiss her again. I can't get enough of her lips. I resolve to make sure that I dance with her like this as often as I can... _anything to make her happy._

Before we leave, Ana takes me to the garage to show me Ray's carpentry workspace and the convertible Mustang Ray had acquired for her. It's just a shell of a body with an almost working engine.

"We were going to give it a new coat of paint, tires and maybe fix up the interior a bit. "

"What color?"

"Midnight blue and I was going to have a number plate at the back read "Steele'" and her name was going to be Wanda. She looks at the car with longing running her fingers over the body. "Ray's had a dark green convertible mustang named Stella which you've seen in pictures..." She takes a deep breath and pulls the sheet back over the car. "I initially wanted a VW bug and was gonna name her Wanda."

I chuckle "Why VW bug?"

"Cause... they're so cute and weird. Like me." She laughs placing both hands on her cheeks like a child Her cheeks are flushed and she looks so beautiful. "Ray was against it, he said that car was a death trap. I think he wanted to give me a confidence boost with this car and help me make friends or something cause I was a bit of a loner and nerd. I was only ever my amazing self with family." She giggles.

"Miss Steele, you're more of a Mustang girl. I agree with Ray."

"If she was in working condition, I bet my Wanda here would make your Lola out there eat the dust." She sneers.

"I have no doubt about that Miss Steele." I smirk at her and she sticks her tongue out at me.

"Let's head out, it's getting late."

"Do you want to go to his grave before we leave."

She takes a few moments before answering. "I'm not ready yet." I kiss her forehead and we walk towards the car.

I take the exit to head back on the I-5 towards Seattle.

"There was actually one part of the tour that I couldn'y show you, only because that supermarket is now a bunch of medical offices... but that's where Ray first met Carla and I. I was two years old and sitting in the shopping cart while Carla was looking at something on the shelves and Ray walked into the aisle and, his words not mine, I looked at him and gave him the biggest smile and raised my hands asking him to pick me up. Carla had told him that I never reacted to men that way and it was the first time I had done something like that. I guess I knew I wanted him to be my dad."

She breaks down but stops herself and takes a deep breath, still looking out of the window.

"He learned how to do everything for me; to make my hair, my lunch for school, helping me with homework. I once asked him why he always put a ribbon in my hair and he said because _you're the greatest gift of my life_._ You made me a dad_. So now, I'll sometimes wear a ribbon, especially on days when I really miss him." Her voice is thick and full of emotion. She wore a ribbon in her hair all week. Now I know why.

"You most certainly are the greatest gift in anyone's life. You really have no idea how phenomenal you are." I hold out my hand and she takes it.

"I wish so much he were alive and that you could've met him, even if it meant he'd try his best to scare you off with that shotgun I showed you." She giggles through the tears.

I laugh. "Was he really like that?"

"Oh yeah, he'd tried to ask me if I liked any boys and would want their full names and I was always like I don't have time for that. He just didn't want anyone to hurt me but it was so annoying. I'd joke and be like, what about when I'm old enough to find someone to get married and he'd say if he passes my test then you're free to marry him. Now I have no idea what that test was but I suspect maybe Nita knows. I'll ask her, I never really thought to ask her before."

"I'm certainly intrigued now." I chuckle. It's rare to have days like this with Ana. Where she's willing to share her most inner thoughts, where she's at her most vulnerable. Most days she's this happy go lucky girl who you'd never think experienced a day of sadness in her life when in reality she just absorbs it all but only gives back love.

We're halfway to Seattle and Ana has mostly remained quiet. I hear her breathe, I asked her if she wanted to play some music but she declined. After a while she begins to speak again, her eyes glued to the window.

"When I came out of my coma and it had been a while after I realized that Ray had died. Nani said something that only made sense to me very recently. She said that even though Ray wasn't alive anymore and as alone as I felt that I'd find his essence in people I met or knew. That is how he'd come back to me. So I'd pray to see it. I prayed for a very long time to see it. I had hoped that Vishaal would be one of those people but we all know how that panned out and later on I realized that I never saw it in him, I was forcing it. I realized recently that with him, I was always trying to do what I thought he would think is right, just like Kiran does with him. If I did things his way, he was happy, if I didn't... any way. The very first time I truly saw a glimpse of Ray was in Karan. Then I saw it in Elliot when we were in Cabo. And then I saw it in you."

"How so?"

"When I met Karan again during Rania's wedding, it was in the way he was around me. I just saw him differently, even before the whole reporter thing. The way he says bachay, he's calling me his kid it instantly made me believe he was on my side, like my cheerleader and that's what Ray did. He was always encouraging me. With Elliot, it was mostly his physical attributes. The blond hair and the blue eyes but also, his goofiness and voice. Ray wasn't always goofy but he had his moments. And with you, it's how you love me and want to protect me from the world. Just like Ray did when he came to Vegas. He dropped everything for me." She wipes her tears and takes a deep steadying breath.

I pick up her hand and kiss her knuckles, one by one. "You mean the world to me Ana."

* * *

**Authors Note**: Who's ready for a time jump and some drama? As always thank you SO MUCH for taking the time out to read and leave reviews. Reds77 I wish you had an account would love to talk more over PM.

gowildcats: I LOVE LMFAO too. wiggle wiggle wiggle, LOL

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - Chapter 66

**Music:**

Olsen Olsen – Sigur Ros

Unfold – The xx

Darling, Je Vous Aime Beaucomp – Natalie Cole


	67. Chapter 67

Lo and behold. A time jump.. into the home stretch. Finish line will soon be in sight.

Thank you for your response to the last chapter. I'm glad you all resonated with Ray and Nita's story and the little trip to Montesano.

P.S. I started a new story called **_'are you ready for your close up?_**' - only like 20% drama compared to this soap opera I'm writing. i've already posted 7 chapters of it in the last week.

* * *

**Chapter 67 – Liz on top of the world.**

_Two months later; August 7__th__, 2020._

**CPOV**

"ARE WE THERE YETTTT?" Ana whines from her seat and giggles. She's blindfolded right now and we're about twenty minutes away from our destination. Our first destination that is.

I laugh. "Almost."

"Sawyerrrr." She calls outs "I'll give you a hundred bucks if you tell me where we're going." I hear him snort.

"You know I pay him way more than that, right?" I chuckle.

"FINE. Two dozen cookies for you Sawyer... it doesn't get any better than that." She calls out.

"We're going to the North Pole, Steele."

I can tell she rolled her eyes even though she's blindfolded. "Christian, we've been on this plane since the last century."

She's so dramatic. We stopped in New York to refuel and now we're in European airspace.

The past two months have been a massive improvement in our relationship. After Ana's setback during Memorial Day weekend on Eid and the trip to Montesano, things started to settle down with her. She started her new position as Director of Philanthropy at GEH. Which meant that she was able to work remotely and go with me on business trips. We finally got to join the Mile High Club on a quick trip to New York. I thought having Ros come back from maternity leave would ease my workload but some opportunities came up where it increased my travel schedule but now that Ana comes with me, it hasn't been all that bad considering I'm not such an asshole.

Her family has been over twice to visit in these two months. We're now the couple that hosts a monthly game night and I've become that person what lives to see Elliot and Jose cry over losing. I blame Ana and she happily shoulders it. We even ended up having Aria over for an entire week while Rania had to go on a business trip to Australia and then had Raees join her there for an anniversary getaway. I learned a lot about parenting that week, mostly that I'm a pushover and I'll always be the good cop. If we ever have a daughter, I will spoil her rotten and Ana will murder me.

Therapy has been going well and Ana's been sleeping better. She's still have dreams and the odd nightmare but over all, she's settling and even been responding well during her self-defense training. She's opened up even more and in doing so been teaching me more of the language and I can recognize some words now, which helps.

She recently expressed an interest in the possibility of a playroom. We talked about it in depth. She wants to try, I mostly resisted thinking that she might be doing this out of some misguided guilt given what she had been going through but she assured me that she really was curious and that as along it was about us having fun that she was actually excited about the idea. I contacted one of the designers I knew of in community and we started on the potential of designing the space. She thinks this room is going to be in Escala but I don't foresee us living here beyond September. _Another surprise for later._

Once we land, I tell her to wear earplugs and carry her over my shoulder down the steps of the plane and straight into a helicopter. She groans and whines throughout and it's constant entertainment. She doesn't do well with surprises or suspense at all.

After about a 20 minute helicopter ride, we arrive at our destination. This is where having a shit ton of money to burn comes in handy. I had the visitor center close down the entire area and restrict access to tourists for the later half of the day, along with getting permission to land the helicopter closer to the actual location of where I wanted to take Ana.

I help her out of the helicopter and again throw her over my shoulder.

"I cannot believe you're just hauling me around like a sack of potatoes. Grey." She says as she spanks me and I spank her back, laughing.

"Miss Steele, quit you're whining. It's a surprise. Learn to enjoy this journey of it all."

"Whatever. I smell the open sea and I can hear the crunching of grass. Just tell me where we are."

I hear Sawyer chuckle behind me. He's carrying the picnic basket for us.

Once we arrive at the intended spot. Sawyer and Prescott quickly lay out the sheet and leave the picnic basket and head back in the direction of the helicopter. I guide Ana and position her facing the water and take out her earplugs.

"Are you ready, baby?"

"Nope. I still need more time." She sasses.

"I know you're rolling your eyes."

She giggles. "You know me so well."

I kiss her cheek and take off her blindfold, telling her not to open her eyes till I say. Once it's off, I look at her for a moment. To say I'm nervous would be an understatement right now. "Okay, baby... open your eyes."

She slowly opens them and look straight ahead and then blinks a few times. She looks around and then gasps but remains completely still. I see tears start to form in her eyes. She takes a few steps towards the edge and I follow her and her gaze as she takes in her surroundings. It's a clear day and the sun is making it's way to set in another hour. She's bathed in golden light, just like that weekend at the wedding when I first met her.

She looks back at me. "I...I...dreamed of standing here so many nights... that I would learn to walk again and come here." She sobs. "t-thank you..." She hugs me and starts to cry.

"Don't cry baby... " The emotion of this moment is almost too much to handle.

She pulls away and wipes her face. "Sorry... I promise I'm happy. I just can't believe you brought me here."

"Well, I know how much you've been wanting to visit and get away from everything... so I thought that Cliffs of Moher should be the first place we go on our first of many vacations together." I smile and lean down kiss her. Over the past few months, whenever she'd feel a little low, I'd sometimes play the Dario Marianelli piece that reminded of her what this place possibly looked like. It would lift her spirits a little.

After a while of sitting on the blanket and eating some snacks, I have her sit with her back against my chest as we look out at the view and take it in.

I take a deep breath. I've been rehearsing what I wanted to say to her when we got here but it's all gone out the window and it's now or never.

"Baby..."

"Hmm?" She turns a little to look back to me.

I cup her face and give her a small kiss and pull back to look into her eyes.

"I love you, Ana. You have given me the world and more. You came into my life with all this love and you chose to give it to me and decided that I was worthy of it. I thought I had everything before we met but I realized I barely had anything. I was a poor, husk of a man who believed he didn't deserve any good in this life. You made me feel like I mattered in a way that I had been afraid to all these years. You changed my life in a matter of seconds and healed me in the process. You gave me everything that I didn't know that I needed. You saved me from a lifetime of loneliness without even trying. I have learned a lifetime worth of lessons in this short time that we've been together and I'm a better man for it. I don't want to imagine a world where you're not by my side. None of it means anything unless you're with me. You have made me the happiest man alive and I want to continue living that way. Anastasia Rose Steele, will you do me the honor of spending your life with me. Will you be my wife?"

She smiles with tears in her eyes and uses her hands to wipe mine from my own.

"Yes. Forever." She says and kisses me deeply. I pull back and take the ring box out of my pocket and open it to show her making her gasp and giggles.

I kiss her hands and put the ring on her ring. It's a emerald cut sapphire with smaller diamonds around it.

"A sapphire for my girl with the sapphire eyes." I hold her face and kiss her.

"I love you Christian. I love you so much." She cries and laughs at the same time. "Holy crap, I'm engaged. This is SO COOL." she giggles. "I love, LOVE my ring." She looks down at her hand and traces it with a finger.

"The Sapphire is from Kashmir."

She whips her head back. "Really? That is so... oh my god... Christian, this is... it means so much to me... Gosh, Nani and Nita will be so touched."

"I know how much they mean to you, by wearing something from their homeland, in a way they can always be with you."

She nods and throws her arms around me and hugs me tight. "I thought you were going to propose to me in the bathtub."

I laugh. "I was but I got impatient."

"This was perfect, Christian. You didn't have to do all this but thank you. I'll never forget this moment for as long as I live. You've made this better than any dream than I could have possibly had."

After a while we get up and I ask her to stand so I can take a few pictures of her. I want to capture her in this moment. The girl I love and how happy she is. She does some goofy stuff after a while and immediately points to acknowledge that she Prescott finally broke out of character and laughed watching her.

"Christian, I'M ENGAGED. This is INSANE. I'm a FIANCÉ and I have a FIANCÉ God, I'm going to be that insufferable woman who tells everyone she's engaged. I need to be sedated I think." She laughs as we walk back to the helicopter to head back to the airport and fly to London.

I whisper in her ear. "Future Mrs. Grey, I hope you've done you're stretches because I'm going to fuck you all weekend.".

"I feel like I should be saying that to you but you know what, bring it on, Future Husband." She giggles and gives me quick kiss.

* * *

By the time we got to our hotel in London it was dinnertime. We ordered room service and answered a series of facetime calls from everyone in Seattle, everyone that mattered. Mom cried, Dad opened a bottle of champagne. Kate cried and Elliot made a crass joke. Nita, Nani and Ana cried and laughed and wished us well and a long happy life together even though according to Nani it was a done deal and we didn't have to worry about anything. Barney and Valerie sent in a congratulatory video, along with Rania and Aashu with Aria freaking out in excitement in the background. Karna and Tony sent a video simply saying "It's about fucking time." Jose was the last to call.

"I DON'T NEED TO SEE YOUR FACE I NEED TO SEE THE RING." Jose demand.

Ana holds up the ring giggling and Jose leans in closer to the phone. " Thank God you got a manicure before the trip... also, how much do you think we can get for it?"

"FUCK YOU, Jose."

"WHAT? A hag needs to always have a contingency plan to make sure her Queen is taken care of."

"Jose, I should fire you." I chuckle.

"Whatever, Grey. You love me... but you did good. I approve. Keep my hag happy. I have to go and plan the bachelorette party of the century. Take care kids and use protection." Jose hangs up before we can even say bye.

"Should I be afraid of this bachelorette party?"

"I should be the one that's scared, I have to actually be there and endure it." She laughs.

"Your cheeks are a delicious shade of pink." I tell her as we soak in the bath.

"Which ones?" She turns back and straddles me laughing.

I bring my hands to squeeze her ass. "Both pairs but I do have a preference for sure." I smirk.

"I think I have a problem. I can't stop looking at my ring. I am obsessed with it. This is bad, isn't it?" She giggles while running her hands through my hair.

"I can't stop looking at you wearing it. So I guess we both have a problem."

She leans in for a kiss. "You're such a sap, Mr. Grey... but I really love that about you."

"I can't wait till you're mine." I kiss her neck.

"I've always been yours Christian." She looks into my eyes. "I've been yours since before we existed. When I was in SF after the wedding and I told Nani about everything... I told her I was so afraid that you might not want me once you felt that it was too much to deal with."

"Ana... I would never..."

"I know that now..." She smiles. "She said that our fates were sealed in heaven and that when we came into the world, it was a matter of when we were together again. The journey to each other would be equally important as the one we'd embark on together. Sometimes that journey is easy and you find each other early on. Sometimes you find each other much later in life after a few false starts. For some the journey is lonely and full of pain and sadness but when you find your person, then you can heal each other and lead a happier life and that I had to trust in that. That we could be happier together and finally leave all the suffering behind... 54 days till I can do that." She gives me a small smile trying not to cry.

I pull her in close. "I'd do anything for you, Ana. You know that, right?"

"I know but I only want you here with me, like this."

* * *

We both fall on to the bed panting. "That was..." I begin but I'm unable to finish the sentence. That was incredible.

"Yeah..." She replies but immediately falls into a giggle fit. I pull her in and kiss her forehead.

"Sapphire is quite the character." I chuckle.

"She is isn't she? Only made sense that she made her debut in London, don't you think? And look at you, you survived your first time with her." She says in a British accent. Usually when Ana plays, there's still an innocence about her, it's disarming but Sapphire takes no prisoners.

I have to laugh. "Agreed, though I will not lie... it felt a little like I was cheating on you."

"That's okay, I felt the same way with _Sir_ but then I got over it... so you're allowed to get it on with Sapphire. Free pass for life, Grey." She giggles.

"Wait... what do you mean you felt that way?"

"Well, I don't know. Dom Christian was so different from the Christian I met at the wedding you know... but I know that I haven't experienced the full brunt of your dominant persona." She muses.

"Because you keep topping for the bottom and shutting me up... but to be honest, I don't want to be that person with you. When we play, I want it to be fun and bring you pleasure. I have no interest in that extreme stuff."

She remains quiet for a few moments but then speaks in a small voice. "I could try... just to see how it is."

"Ana, I was that way because I didn't know any better and I had no peace of mind... what we have is incredibly profound. I don't have those urges anymore. Please tell me you believe me."

"I do, I do... but I don't want you to be unhappy either. I mean, I know I'm a shitty submissive but I do want to make you happy too." She laughs.

I laugh out loud and she smacks my arm. "I'm happy, Ana. I'm more than happy with what we have and whatever little submission you give me, you're incredible at it but you're also playful and I love it, I wouldn't change any of this for the world" I look at her and she smiles.

She lifts her head and hovers over my lips. "Christian, I want to try something." This is the switch coming into play.

"What do you have in mind, Miss Steele?" I smirk.

She leads me to the chair and asks if she can blindfold me but that it would be fine if I wasn't okay with it. I agreed to it. I know she won't hurt me but it's been forever since I've been in this position. Even at the wedding, I knew I was safe with her but it still was different.

She sits on my lap and I'm completely naked. After she's blindfolding me and speaks against my lips. "Hands on the armrests, Christian. You are not allowed to touch me and you're not allowed to come. Do you understand?" She says softly. Her switch persona is never harsh. She's always speaks softly and

I swallow. "Yes."

"Yes, what?" She raises her voice but she's still playful. Sapphire is all about seduction but Miss Steele is still playful and innocent which at times makes her sound more sinister than the former.

I try to stifle a smile. "Yes, Miss Steele."

"You know you could put a little more effort into it." She giggles and I do my best to stay impassive but my dick has other plans.

"Are you hard for me, Christian."

"Yes, Miss Steele." _Like granite and I have no idea how I'm going to last at this rate_. Fuck.

"What are your safe words?" I say them and I feel her smile against my lips and gives me a quick kiss before she gets up. I hear her walk away and she doesn't come back for what feels like hours. She's playing the anticipation game, which doesn't bode well for my impatience. A little while later, I hear it walking back. The music starts but it's low.

"Did you miss me?" She whispers in my ear.

"Yes."

"Green?"

"Yes, Miss Steele." She climbs on top of me and starts to stroke me slowly. I throw my head back to try my best to not lose it. We both realized early on that we preferred edging, the anticipation and the eventual release was something was something we both enjoyed immensely. She loves the challenge of it. While I tend to force her orgasms during vanilla, she doesn't seem to mind as long as they're not too close together.

She's never fully been in charge before. Not since the wedding. I should've known then she was a switch back then but even in times when we've played her moments are just enough to spur me on to take charge again and fuck her hard. _This_, this is different. She's slow and deliberate in what she's doing. Her touch is soft and light.

_I don't know if I could ever be fully in charge for an extended scene. I mean... maybe in the future when I feel a little more confident. I like the switching back and forth between us. It feels more fun for me. Maybe I'm lazy... I don't know but if I ever did. I couldn't ever bring myself to cause you any pain. I only want to give you love and pleasure. _

It floored me when she said that.

I feel myself start to tense and she stops what she's doing and I work to calm myself while she kisses my neck traveling up to my lips and sings softly against them, holding my face in her hands.

_Speak with no words  
Show me and i'm all yours  
_

She locks me in a dominating kiss and grinds on top me with the beat. I moan into her mouth. My dick is begging for relief while her warm and wet clit glides on it back and forth. _She is determined to kill me tonight._

_I'm all yours, all yours and  
I'm all yours.  
_

"Tell me Christian, are you mine?"

"Yes, I am." I pant and she bites my lip. "And, I'm yours, _always._" I groan and try to control my breathing in response.

"Do you know how much I love you?" she says as her hands travel down my chest, lightly grazing my skin with her nails. Her fingers dance all over my chest down to my abdomen and then up my arms to my shoulders as she speaks to me and kisses my neck in between words.

I nod distractedly trying to find some calm. She hasn't restrained me, maybe I should just take over just like she does but as I'm in the middle of this thought... suddenly she gets up and I feel her kneel between me and take me in her mouth. Again, she takes her time. Spending a generous amount of time alternating between my balls and my shaft. I feel her moan from time to time and the vibrations stimulate me even more. I throw my head back and grip the chair trying my best to not come.

"If you come without permission Christian, then it will be the last time you do this weekend." She warns but I can't tell she's smiling.

"You're killing me, Miss Steele." I breathe and fuck, I sound desperate.

"Did I give you permission to speak?"

"No, you didn't, Miss Steele."

"That's right. You should learn to appreciate my generosity otherwise I'll happily focus on my own pleasure and be selfish. Do you want that, Christian? Do you want me to be selfish?" She scolds.

"No I don't. I want feel your pleasure too."

She kisses the tip of my dick before lightly sucking it. "Good and you shall feel it soon."

_FUCK._

She rises up slightly, placing her hands on my thighs and I feel her leave kisses trailing up my oblique's and abdomen, lightly nipping and sucking as she travels up all the while my cock rubs against her skin. Holy fuck, this is killing me. She circles my nipples with the tip of my tongue and makes me slightly jump but I try my best to control myself. I was half expecting her to suck me me till I couldn't take it anymore but she's really drawing this out and it's a test of my endurance in submission. Something I haven't had to do in years. She's spoiled me and now she's out to kill me with kindness. I'm aching to touch her and I can feel my knuckles go white from gripping the armrests too hard.

She finally reaches my neck and she straddles me and starts to speak as she peppers my face and neck with slow sensual kisses, sometimes grazing my skin with her teeth. "I love how you always hold my hand and kiss it when we're in the car. I love it when you try to cop a feel at work when no one is looking... or lightly bite my neck. And when we're in the same room but far apart, I love how you look at me with that sexy smile of yours as you wink at me. I love how you walk into my office and have your way with me. I love how strong you are. How you pick me up like caveman." She giggles and I smile. "I love how your hands feel on me. They're always warm and make me feel safe. I love waking up to you, completely entwined with you. I love how you take care of me. I love when you open up to me. I love it when you hold me like you'll never let me go." I groan and try to control my breathing but the fact she's using a finger to lightly trace fucking circles on my balls is killing me. It's too many sensations and emotions.

She kisses me as she takes off my blindfold and my eyes take a moment to adjust to her when she pulls back. "I love looking into your eyes. I love your lips. I love your _very_ expert tongue." She locks me in a kiss and I taste my own arousal on her. "I love it when you spank me. Most of all..." She lifts herself up and takes me in slowly. "I absolutely love how big and hard your cock is. I love feeling you jerk inside of me when you come. Do you love that Christian? Do you love coming inside of me when you make love to me? Do you love filling me up when you fuck me as hard you can?" She moans. She's killing me here and moving so fucking slow while clamping down on me. She's close too and so fucking wet, I can feel it.

"Yes." I can barely speak. I try to focus on the music but it's not helping either. I try not to move but I'm aching to touch her and have my way with her. If my dick could murder the both of us it would. She places her hands at the back of my neck and pull my hair picking up the pace but it's still relatively slow and to the beat of the music. I want to watch her but I start to feel... it's too much. The emotion, the music, the sound of her voice as she moans, feeling her on me... I throw my head back and try to control myself but I start to feel like... _an outer body experience_. I'm looking into two pairs of blue eyes in front of me. _Is this subspace?_ I've never experienced it with pleasure. _Another first._

I suddenly feel her hands on my face. "Touch me Christian. Come with me." She moans before kissing me and _thank fuck_ it's about time but my hands are limbs are slow to respond. I finally grab her like it's the last time I'll ever touch her and pick her up to lay her down on the bed, pinning her arms above her, interlocking our fingers as I thrust inside of her in a punishing rhythm. "Harder... Christian.. Please...Fuck me, harder..."

We're both on the edge. I bite down on her neck just under her ear before I roar out my release and she follows screaming just a second later. We're both shaking and trembling as I empty myself inside of her... and it takes forever. I open my eyes briefly and I see stars. That was... _so fucking intense._

We lay there for a few minutes and she runs her hand through my hair.

"I experienced subspace." I whisper.

She turns to look at me worried. "Really? I mean... are you okay? I'm sorry..." she rambles.

"No baby, it was... I've never felt it as a result of pleasure before. It was a calming experience. Another first with the woman I love." I give her a lazy smile.

She giggles and kisses me. "I'm so honored, Future husband. I love you."

* * *

_Friday, August 14th, 2020_

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT ANA?" I scream at her. I cannot believe she's suggesting we do this. She is out of her god damn mind.

She looks back at me with a tense face and if I was a betting man, I would bet my billions that she wants to throw me off the cliff of this rental Villa into the sea.

"Do. Not. Yell. At. Me." She says with a chilling calm. "What I have asked you is not out of the realm. In fact it is the norm. We should sign a pre-nup. It is for your protection."

"Protection from what?"

"You created GEH into what it is. You should protect it. I'm sure both your father and Theo... heck even Travis would suggest the same thing."

"I don't care what they want and I cannot believe you're suggesting this."

'I cannot believe you're seriously considering we should get married without one."

"What is this really about? Your own inheritance?" I bite back.

Her jaw drops "My inheritance? We don't even know if I'm getting anything and I told you already I'm giving my share to Rania or to charity. The only inheritance I have is the house in Montesano and the money in my accounts. All that combined, you probably make that sort of money in a day." She looks away.

"First you don't want to take my name and now you're bringing up this pre-nup shit. Did Nita make Ray sign a pre-nup?"

"Abdul Karim wouldn't give his blessing until Ray signed a pre-nup which he did with eyes closed. He just wanted Nita, not her money. Rania and Raees signed one, Kiran and Daniel did, Aashu and Imran are... and Karan and Tony will too. ELLIOT AND KATE SIGNED ONE. I grew up in a family of lawyers... and as far as not taking your name, I never said I wouldn't take your name. I only asked, _YES I ASKED CHRISTIAN_, I asked you out of respect that I wanted to hyphenate. I want my name to be Anastasia Steele-Grey. You legally cannot make me take your name. You do know that right? Besides, I'm always going to be known as Mrs. Grey anyway. I just want that Steele still legally exist as my name."

"I don't give a shit who else is signing pre-nups. My only concern is with you. We are not signing a pre-nup."

"We are, Christian." She intones.

"Why are you fighting me on this. I want you to have everything that is mine."

"But I only want you. Look, I just came into your life. I shouldn't be able..." She looks away and

"What? What do you think will happen to us?"

"I don't know okay. As much as we love each other and know that we're meant to be... life still has a way of happening and... maybe we should just talk about this in therapy when we get back."

"I want to talk about it now."

"Christian, you're going to blow whatever I say out of proportion. I think it's best we table this conversation."

"WHY THE FUCK DO YOU ALWAYS SHUT DOWN, JUST FUCKING TELL ME. I CAN TAKE IT."

"NO YOU CAN'T. " She cries. "STOP FUCKING YELLING AT ME. YOU CAN'T EVEN ACCEPT THE SIMPLE FACT OF WHY I WANT TO KEEP MY NAME. SOMETHING THAT IS INHERITLY MINE... I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE LIKE THIS. IT SCARES ME WHEN YOU YELL AT ME." She screams and turns and walks out, slamming the door.

_Fuck_. She's told me time and time again that it's a trigger and I'm still such a fool. I look out the window and watch her walk down the stone steps all the way down to sit on the rocks by the water. I see her wipe her eyes and dangle her feet in the water. I'm such an inconsiderate ass but I want her to have everything and I want her to be mine. Flynn's words come to mind; _dominant language._

I go down and join her by the water. I take off my shoes and sit next to her. She gives me a murderous look. Face all red like a tomato and eyes puffy with pouty lips. She's looks so adorable. I just want to pick her up and crush her in a hug but she'd drown me if I did.

"I shouldn't have yelled, I'm sorry."

"Do you really mean that Christian because you keep doing this. We talked about this in therapy, extensively."

"I know, I'm just... old habits die hard and I'm trying."

She doesn't say anything but watches her feet play with the water.

"Christian, if and when we have kids, you cannot yell me like that in front of them. I will not tolerate it. You also cannot yell at them unless it's absolutely warranted. I will not let you project on to them or me. Ray never raised his voice at me, neither Nita. Carla would yell at me for the littlest things sometimes, which gave her bastard second husband ideas too and then... " She closes her eyes. _Vishaal yelled at her_. I suddenly remember. "I just don't like it okay. You can still effectively get your point across while calmly speaking to me. Saying it louder won't automatically make me agree with you."

"I know, it's just a bad habit and a knee-jerk response."

We sit in silence for a while and look out on to the water as the sun is about to set. It's really beautiful here. Ana jumped for joy and cried when I told her we were spending a week in Palermo after our weekend exploring London.

"I want to give you the world, Ana and you keep fighting me on it. I want you to be mine... in every way."

"Then why does that mean having to erase a part of my past? I mean Christian, for gods sake I gave myself to you. I chose to do that. I am wearing your ring." She holds her hands up. "My name means a lot to me just as it means to you. Ray gave me his name when my mother didn't give me any. His name and my faith have given me the strength to go on after everything. When said 'my girl of Steele' it meant something to me. It's such an important part of my identity and this name ends with me. My kids won't carry this name. They will carry yours. You share your name with Carrick, Elliot and Mia. Imagine if Ethan told Mia she couldn't hyphenate her name? I mean your mom hyphenated her name. So did Kate. What I am asking isn't outrageous. People will still address me as Mrs. Grey. All I'm asking is that my name legally be Steele-Grey. That's it." She looks out to the water again. "When everything is lost, all you have is your name and in my darkest of times it was my greatest comfort and my strength."

"I understand." I murmur. "I didn't realize it meant that much to you. I mean... I did but now hearing you speak... I get it."

"Have you ever wondered by Grace only gave you her surname?"

I look at her. "What do you mean?"

"When do don't have the bond of blood as a legacy then the bond of name is the next best thing. It's not that Grace felt any less love for Elliot or Mia but with you she felt a special connection. She gave you her father's name, something that means a lot to her too. Theo's family went through their own hardships when they moved to America and in a way by giving you his name she wanted the legacy of perseverance to live on."

"I never knew that. When did she tell you?" _How the fuck did I not know this?_

"She was asking me about Ray over lunch one day after our trip to Montesano and I told her how much his name meant to me and then I asked why you got the Trevelyan name out of all the kids... She loves you so much, Christian."

I nod. "I've realized that... I honestly didn't think too much about the names beyond a point of recognition and vanity."

"And now you've created a legacy with the Grey name to be synonymous with being a visionary. You did that and your children will carry on that legacy. I just want my father's legacy of generosity and strength to live on for a little while longer."

"I understand that now. I didn't mean to dismiss what you were saying. I'm sorry."

"Thank you and I'm sorry too."

"Why are you sorry?"

"For yelling back at you and calling you an asshole." She shrugs.

"You didn't call me an asshole."

"I did when I left the room." She giggles and I laugh.

"We're still not signing a pre-nup."

She groans and rolls her eyes. "Let's just talk about this in therapy."

"I won't budge from this Ana and if you push me then I will outright transfer GEH to you even before we're married."

"And I will outright transfer it back to you and your family." She challenges.

"Don't start with me Anastasia." I say with finality. I am tired of this shit now.

"Oh hell no! Do not try to bring Dom Christian into this." She snaps. "Like, I said. We need to talk about this therapy because we both will not agree or compromise on this."

"I just want to take care of you."

She scoots in closer to me and pulls me in for a deep kiss. "You already do, Christian. More than I could ever have dreamed of. Giving me GEH or any part of your wealth... I don't know how to handle the responsibility of all that. Even just the knowledge of it freaks me out. You know this Christian, I only want you."

"Well this is all a part of me and you keep rejecting it."

"But your wealth doesn't make you who you are Christian. You mean more to me than all that."

"I know that but what's mine is yours. I don't want any superficial limits. It's you and me. All or nothing." I pull her hand to my heart and kiss her forehead.

She silently nods and wraps her arms around my waist.

"Now come back upstairs so we can have some mind-blowing make up sex." I tip her head up to meet my gaze and smirk making her giggle. "Maybe I deserve some punishment from Sapphire."

She laughs out loud and gets right into character. "You better hide the riding crop and say your prayers, Grey."

* * *

_Thursday, August 20th, 2020_

We had flown back stateside earlier this week to have some downtime before diving right into Aashu's wedding. The festivities had already started last week and had seeped into this week leading up to the big events starting from Thursday to Sunday. Ana had excused from the smaller events. She didn't want to have to endure the sight of Vishaal and Akash more than needed.

Our time away, though short, was just what we needed. Ana loved every minute of it. She's naturally curious so she made for an excellent traveling companion. We even ended up taking an impromptu pasta making lesson from the grandparents of a restaurant owner we had dined at. The grandfather had seem to have taken quiet a liking to Ana and didn't care she was wearing a ring.

We flew into San Francisco early this morning and Ana went straight to the Scott Street family house to help with setting up for the evening event the AHAK family is hosting for Aashu's wedding, while I stayed back at the hotel room at the Fairmont to catch up on work.

Ana asked me to come by the house at around 5pm. The event officially starts at 6:30.

We only have Taylor and Sawyer for this trip. Prescott had to rush back East at the news of her father's heart attack. Once I'm dropped off at the front of the house, I walk up the steps and Mr. Benoit opens the door.

"Mr. Grey." He says impassively. I really get the impression he hates my guts. I know he adores Ana. Given that he's in charge of security for Nani, chances are he knows and probably doesn't approve of me.

"Mr. Benoit." I nod.

I walk into the foyer and see Rania setting up party favors.

"Mr. One Hunnid. Welcome back and congratulations!" Rania laughs and gives me a hug. "I know I said this before but the ring is beautiful and Ana looks so happy."

"HI CHRISTIAN KHALU." Aria runs to me and asks me to pick her up. She's able to say her R's now and in the week she spent with Ana and myself, she became a little obsessed me with me. I pick her up and kiss her cheek making her giggle.

"She's been on my case asking when you both were coming back from your vacation... and now that you're here. She belongs to you and Ana. I need a mental break. She's been hacking at my brain with questions all day." Rania laughs.

I laugh and Aria starts to tell me about a new book she read and her friends in daycare. She's talking at the speed of light. The three of us head up but Aria refuses to leave my side even though Rania scolds asking her to take the stairs.

"You're spoiling her."

"And I get to give her back to you. Perfect revenge." I chuckle and she rolls her eyes. We get to the top of the stairs and I see Ana in one of the main rooms with Nani, doing something with small clay pots.

"HEY HANDSOME!" Ana laughs. I walk in a little further and I see Vishaal and Kiran sitting in the another corner doing absolutely nothing but talk.

"Aana Khala... his name is Christian." Aria intones making us laugh.

"Okay Miss Sassy Pants. I'm sorry. Hi Christian." Ana bites back. "Look at this kid. I don't see her for a month and she's a completely different girl." I put Aria down and Ana comes up to give me a quick kiss.

"Ugh, you guys are so cute it makes me teeth hurt." Rania groans and sits down to help Nani. I greet Nani as well and she gives me hand a light squeeze.

"The ring is absolutely beautiful, Christian. Thank you for honoring our heritage and making my Aana so happy." She says softly.

"You all mean a lot to Ana and I wanted to honor that." I smile at her and she nods with tears in her eyes.

I get a lackluster welcome from Kiran and a nod from Vishaal but I don't return it. I find Kiran's attitude interesting since she was so hell bent on Ana getting engaged. She didn't bother call or show any excitement when Ana sent an update in the family group. All she said was a simple _Congratulations._

After about 10 minutes, Ana carries a tray of small clay pots and asks me to follow her.

"What are these things and why are they filled with oil?" I ask she climbs the stairs to the third floor.

"These are diya's. We fill them with mustard oil and put them along the terraces and light them. It's just a nice effect. Call it indian candles if you will" She laughs.

We get to the rooms that have terraces facing the street and I help her light them and place them on the floor before we head to the room that has her clothes for her change. I close the door and lock it. She jumps and wraps her legs around me locking me in a deep sensual kiss.

"I really like your look today, Mr. Grey. It's like you're dipped in chocolate. Just how I like my ice-cream. Vanilla with a generous topping of fudge" She giggles. "and some kinky fuckery..." She whispers against my lips.

"Well then, how about we indulge in some dessert?" I smirk and carry her to the bed and lay her down. I lift up her dress and take rip her lace panties. "You're drenched baby, were you thinking of me?" I ask as I trail kisses along her thighs up to her pussy.

"Yes... I've been waiting for you..ahhh fuck...Christian." She moans while I suck her clit and start to finger her. Her hands gently pull on my hair as she bucks her hips up in a rhythm. It doesn't take her long before she comes and I drink her up. I lean up and her face it flushed and she giggles when I go in to kiss her.

"I missed you too, baby." I tell her while she unbuckles my belt and strokes me before I enter her.

* * *

"I like what you're wearing." I tell her as she finishes wrapping her saree around her waist.

"Thank you, Mr. Grey..."

"Only issue is access." I chuckle.

"I know, I'm afraid indian clothes can sometimes be natural chastity belts... just means you gotta work harder for it." She winks.

"Was Kiran still cool towards you today?"

"Yeah, I don't know what the fuck is her problem... actually I know what her problem is. She's pissed about not getting the July 4th invite and probably jealous cause my ring is better than hers." She laughs. "God, I'm such a bitch but I love it." She continues to giggle and I pull her in for a kiss.

"Good, it's about time you were. You've endured enough of their shit."

"Yeah... I don't care. If you can't wish me well, then fuck off and leave me alone. I have enough shit I'm dealing with."

"I agree. Now give me another kiss, Future Mrs. Grey."

The guests start to pour in. Ana told me this was a small informal musical and henna night with the closest family members from both families, similar to what Kiran had except this was going to be a lot more competitive and musical given it's a full indian wedding. The guest list is at 200. I don't know how a 200 people anything can be considered small but given the actual wedding guest list is 600 for Saturday... I guess this is small. She introduces me to everyone and they all congratulate us on the engagement.

"Aana, darling... I'm so happy for you. I always knew you'd surprise us." A woman about Nita's age with a British accent walks towards Ana and I hear her groan slightly. She's wearing way too much makeup and perfume.

"Hi Shasa Aunty. This is my fiancé Christian." I fucking love it when she says that. "Christian, this is Shasa Aunty, Nita's cousin from London." I shake her hand.

"Such a handsome fellow, I'm sure Aana has told you about me. I am after all her favorite aunt." She says in a saccharine voice. I remember this being the bitch who took pictures of Ana and sent them out to random women so they could inquire about Ana as a prospective bride for their sons.

'Actually, she hasn't ever mentioned you before." I say with a tight smile and she looks affronted. "It's a big family and I'm sure she would've gotten to you eventually." I smirk.

"Oh yes, of course. Well south Asian families always have a lot going on. I can't wait to see you both to get married. It'll be a spectacular wedding." She claps her hands and suddenly pulls Ana into hug.

They talk a little more before she leaves to go torture someone else.

"She is not allowed at the wedding." I look at Ana and she bursts out laughing.

"Of course she isn't... not after the shit she did and said to me. She just collects people to appear well connected but she's just a hollow shell of a person."

Karan's maternal family is Sikh and according to Ana, the most fun group of people to have at a wedding. They're loud and funny with an incredible energy, which helps with being competitive in the games.

I felt Ana tense a little when Imran's family finally arrived. She greeted everyone and avoided Akash who also seemed to avoid her too. Good, the fucker needs to stay the fuck away from her. Mrs. Rahman came and wished us well too. She adored Ana's ring and told us she'd always keep us in her prayers.

Karan is the host for the wedding this weekend and like Ana he's been doing an incredible job of making sure everyone is taken care of. Ana and Rania help him out too while Kiran has mostly stayed in a corner with Daniel and Vishaal.

Since Imran's family has more female cousins than male, Vishaal took it upon himself to migrate to the groom's side of the wedding. Ana assures they're still going to bury them all into the ground. Hearing both her and Karan talk about the dances and even watching Ana practice the steps to some of the dances in Palermo confirmed that.

Everyone gather's around and each side of the family takes their places on opposite sides of the room where the games commence. Ana, Rania, Kiran, Alia and Nita take part in a folk dance. Both sides of the wedding party have sing offs. At one point, Karan, Ahad, Rania and Ana sing. When Ana sings her part I see a lot of the fathers kiss their daughters foreheads. I see Nita and Nani tear up as they watch Ana sing._ I wonder what that is about?_

Almost everyone in the room is multi-talented. They all play instruments and sing. They're incredibly comfortable with each other and seeing Ana mingle with some of Karan's maternal relatives, people she's met just a few times, there is such an ease. They all show her affection like a child and laugh with her. I see that Nani calls her over every now and then and kisses her forehead and they talk about something. Nita too pulls her in for a hug every so often.

After dinner, Ana snuck me up to the roof. She told me Nani was the only one who had the key and let her have it for the evening when she told her that she wanted to show it to me.

"So this is where you would come up to look for the moon?" I ask.

"Yeah. It's the only reason why I love this house. I love my memories here. I know it looks really garish inside. I once jokingly asked Nani to pass it on to me and let me renovate it."

'Who knows, maybe she might."

"Nah... it was a joke in passing. Plus, renovating this place would be a beast of a job to take on. I don't have the mental stamina." She giggles.

We look at the Golden Gate bridge in the distance and stand in each other's embrace for a few minutes.

"I have this weird feeling in my gut."

"What's wrong baby?"

"I don't know... I feel nervous. Like something bad is going to happen."

"Hey, look at me." She looks up. "We have security and they can't touch you. I'm going to be with you every step of the way."

"I know that. I can't really explain it. It's just weird. Maybe it's because I'm here and they're here. Maybe it's just residual nerves I guess."

We sit down and she snuggles into my side while I rub her back.

"What were you singing about when you sang with Rania? I saw Nita and Nani tear up and Arsh, kiss Aashu's forehead as she cried."

She sits up. "Um... the part I sang... well it.. hmm..." She giggles a little. "Sorry, I have to translate it to make sense... so the general idea talks about how a father puts on a grand show for his daughters wedding. He decorates everything and celebrates this momentous occasion in her life even though he's heartbroken that she'll be leaving because she is his most prized possession. A child is priceless but you give your daughter away to this man who you hope and pray will give her infinite happiness and provide her with a much better life than you have. The part I sang is the bride saying, invite everyone from the village and show them what a good job you've done because you love me. It's basically a love letter to the brides father... it's not lost on me that I won't have what all my cousins had. Ray won't get to see me or walk me down the aisle... but I'll have the Nani and Nita which is the next best thing." She finishes with a sad smile I can see tears form but the don't fall.

"He will be there in spirit." I say squeezing her hand.

She shrugs. "Yeah, I guess." She says with a wavering voice.

"I saw Nani kept talking to you, what was that about?"

"Oh... it's embarrassing really. She's just really happy to see me happy. She keeps calling me over to say a prayer and kiss my forehead. She says there's a new light in my eyes, bright than before. Same with Mama. She can't stop crushing me with a hug."

"I didn't realize that."

"Yeah, those two are crazy. If I knew before I would've stalked your ass a little earlier than thanksgiving." She laughs.

"I was right there Miss Steele, you kept ignoring me." I chuckle.

She rolls her eyes and snorts. "Whatever, Grey."s

"What about the other song you sang. I have never heard you sing that high before."

"Oh god, I was so scared. I wanted to kill Karan for that. The song was two altering points of view of the bride. Given that I'm the crier in the family they obviously gave me the sad ass part." She laughs and continues. "Karan sang the point of view of the shy bride who is being teased by her cousins about her husband to be and how being in love is like seeing the sun right after the storm breaks and seeing the world in a brighter color. I sang from the point of the view of a nostalgic bride who is asking her groom to take his time in his journey to the bride's house. She's asking him to enjoy the journey and bring the band with him. She wants the pomp and circumstance of the wedding so everyone around her can celebrate and dance even though she's a little sad. The last part I sang was wishing your husband to be success and victory over anything he sets out to achieve. May he win every battle he sets out to fight. These songs are really old so modern day mergers and acquisitions didn't really exist back then." She giggles.

I smile back. "They're so profound, all these ideas. I mean, I never thought about it."

"Well, all these relationships are incredibly profound and have complex emotions. Weddings bring all that out. Aashu and Karan miss their mother. Arsh misses his wife. Nita misses her own father and Ray. Nita misses her husband... small moments in weddings remind you of moments in your own life you've had or you may never get to have. Like, as happy as I seem down there... I'm also so sad because I know that this is the last wedding that I'll get to be part of like this. This year is the last for everything that I've shared with this family. So I'm doing my best to be present and take it all in."

"I wish I could make this easier on you." I give her small kiss.

"If it were easy or brave, I would've done it a long time ago... but it's okay. You're with me, it makes it a little bit better."

Once we're back down on the main floor and have indulged in dessert. Everyone gather's round for one last sing off. The booze is flowing and everyone is buzzed and happy. Nani has laughed non-stop and even danced. For a woman in her 80's she can still bust a move. Aria has been hanging around us for most of the night and even asked us to take her back to Seattle.

"See, you're gonna be a great Dad. Aria is already so obsessed with you. She's been on Rania's case to get her a piano and lessons so she can show Christian Khalu how well she can play." Ana giggles.

Rania might kill me but I'll just have the damn piano sent over to them with the best tutor. They have the room, she'll just have to deal.

"Of course she is. I'm the best Khalu she's ever had." I wink.

We stand around and talk to Daniel and Tony as the room starts to settle down. Suddenly we hear the clinking of a glass. We look out and see Vishaal with the mic and a glass of champagne in his hand.

"I want to thank you all for coming out tonight. As the head of both families I wanted to take a few minutes to wish the lovely couple all the best."

Ana rolls her eyes and we hear Vishaal drone on about how happy he is for Imran and Aashu. I clock Karan and he gives me a look that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling. Why the fuck is Vishaal even talking?

"... now that our Aashu is going to be a happily married woman this weekend. I guess we can now focus all our attention on our Aana who just got engaged recently. Time to plan the next big wedding in the family."

_What the fuck is his game right now?"_

Everyone cheers and howls.

Ana's face shoots up as everyone laughs and cheers in unison. She's like a deer in headlights but quickly recovers. She looks up at me laughing and I lean in for a quick kiss and I swear Rania screams the loudest as everyone claps. Ana asks for the mic and Aashu for permission to speak which she graciously allows.

"First off, thanks so much for the congratulations _Vishaal Bhai." _Ana says with a bright smile and I see him hold his expression but his eyes give him away. "but you know what... I think this family needs a break from all the women getting married. I mean Rania got married 4 years ago, Kiran got married last year and now Aashu is getting married. I think the next big wedding has to be yours Vishaal Bhai... Shasa Aunty? Where are you?" Ana quickly looks around the room and once she does, she enthusiastically points at her.

"Good, I found you. Now, we need to get a projector up here and blow it up on the wall while Shasa aunty opens up her photostream and we start to swipe left and right to find our dearest Vishaal bhai a nice prospect! Don't you think?"

_I fucking love this girl._ Everyone loudly cheers and claps while Ana smiles sweetly.

"Actually, there won't be a need for that. This was going to be a surprise but I actually did meet someone and you'll be meeting her tomorrow at the party." He says and everyone cheers again. Nani looks at him with a puzzled expression.

"This I have got to see y'all. Vishaal Abdul Kapadia, finally bringing a girl around the family. She must be really special." She laughs.

"Oh, she's real special and you'll love her. You both have so much in common, you'll get along swimmingly. I can't wait for her to meet my favorite member of the family."

Ana raises an eyebrow and sasses. "This I have got to see."

I'm holding Ana's hand and I can feel her shiver slightly but she continues to smile. To anyone looking at her they would never suspect what is really going on. It seems like such a normal exchange. Once everyone goes back to the program, Ana slowly looks at me.

I pull her in and kiss her forehead. "It's going to be fine. Looks like the fucker finally took the hint." I murmur.

"No, this is something else." She whispers holding my gaze. "I can feel it."

* * *

**Authors Note**: some_ MAJOR _drama about to drop in the next chapter. Safe to say you all will really hate me. It's okay though. Anyway, how about this chapter. Proposal. Check. Fight over the pre-nup/name change. Check. Kiran being a bitch? Check. Vishaal still an asshole? Check.

**ryednak**: your review... KILLED ME. I laughed so hard. tell the fiance to chill. we need an escape, haha. I also PM'd you.

**bandrocks**: missed you, I hope you've been well! much love.

**reds77:** Ana never did the rape kit and she took a bath the next morning and she was alone. she talks about it in chapter 49. However, when she met Kate a few days later in Portland, Kate took her to her own doctor and they have the trauma documented but no dna evidence since there wasn't any. Rest assured, Vishaal will get what's coming to him.

**Pinterest**: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - Chapter 67

**Music:**

Liz on top of the world - dario marianelli

Show me - Alina baraz

Hare Hare Baans - shazia manzoor

Ve baneya - fizza javed, mulazim


	68. Chapter 68

You're going to hate me for the next few chapters. I already hate myself. CUE THE DRAMA.

_Chapter song: Rings a bell - Allie X_

* * *

**Chapter 68 - the way you move it rings a bell**

_Friday, August 21st, 2020_

**CPOV**

I hear the door knock and I know its Taylor. He has a distinct knock. I call for him to enter.

Taylor walks, his lips pressed into a hard line as Ana walks in with her piercing death stare like she's going to murder me.

_Oh fuck._

"Sir, we have an update on Miss Williams and Miss Richmond." He says uncomfortably.

I swallow. Ana, quietly sits on the couch next to me while still keeping a considerable distance, arms and legs crossed.

"Go ahead Taylor."

He nods. "As mentioned before, they had both disappeared into thin air. Welch kept alerts on their names and all their accou nts, however, 10 minutes ago there was a charge on Ms. Richmond's card for the spa services here. Welch is looking into the CCTV footage to determine when exactly they came into the hotel and how long they've been here." He looks embarrassed.

I see Ana take out her phone and go to call someone and sets it to speaker.

"Idris Elba." Ana says giggling

"What do you want, Annie?" I hear Mr. Benoit say with a slight chuckle.

"Just some confidential info... Vishaal's new girlfriend, what's her room number? Need to drop off a welcome basket for the wedding."

"No, need but it you still want to meet her I can't stop you. Rooms 1734 and 1736. Adjoining rooms. Vishaal's female guests haven't been cleared to attend the official wedding events. Mrs. Karim didn't give permission. Boy, really fucked up if you asked me."

_Thank God he did._

"Aww, well. Shit happens, I guess. Who's doing security for tonight?"

"We're not in charge. The club is not an AHAK asset and Vishaal took care of it."

"Hmm, okay thank you Benz."

"Take care, Steele."

She hangs up and looks at Taylor. "Please do not approach them yet and thank you and Welch for your help in trying monitoring the situation. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to have a few words with your employer."

She's never called Taylor, Jason. _Shit_. I look to Taylor and his eyes widen for a second and he gives me a sympathetic look. He nods and walks out.

"Ana..."

She turns her head slowly to me and speaks with a chilling calm and smile. "Well Master Grey, it appears not only to we have my rapist coming after me but also your bat shit crazy subs and what a team they make. Honestly, I don't know what I did in a past life to deserve so much excitement in this one." She gets up and walks away.

Master Grey? What the fuck? I get up and go after her.

"Ana, what happened?"

"Oh nothing, I just met your exes. They call themselves the _Sub Club_ and wanted to initiate me too. You know, so we could sit in a circle and sing kumbaya and braid each other's hair." She says, maintaining her icy composure as she goes to prepare her dress and accessories for this evening. We're due to leave in another two and half hours.

"Ana, please baby, tell me what happened?"

She turns to me, seething but keeps her control. "I don't know Christian, what the fuck do you think happened? They cornered me and looked me up and down wondering how the fuck did I break the almighty Master Grey. They both were so forthcoming. It was honestly educational..."

_FUCK._

"...you know, I remembered Leila from the files. Her face has stayed with me. She's so beautiful and when I saw that she was with you for almost a year, it made me want to throw up because you said that these arrangements worked for only 3-4 months but clearly she was different. She told me how you thought she was an _impeccable sub_ and that she was certain you'd eventually contract her again and collar her because she was just so fucking good at what she did. She was always rewarded. How you, on more than one occasion gave her a tender kiss for her submission. It's so obvious that she's in love with you."

Tears start to form in her eyes but she still controls herself. I can't find my voice anymore. Fuck, this was not supposed to happen. Not like this. I've never wanted her to poisoned by this shit.

"Phoebe/Peony/Phyllis whatever the fuck her name is, on the other hand, seems like a real piece of work. She tried to rattle me with talk of how you'd leave me once you'd find out how broken and mentally unstable I was. They think I don't know about the BDSM shit. So I ran with it and said they were lying and that you really loved me but they laughed in my face and said Master is Dark. Master doesn't love, he only knows how to fuck hard. He needs to whip little brown haired girls for his pleasure. He prefers his women flawless and not scarred or broken. That I will never be able to fulfill your needs."

She turns and starts to unpack again as tears fall from her eyes.

"Ana, don't pay attention to what they said, they're just fucking bitter and they don't matter. Only you matter to me."

She looks to me again, completely impassive.

"What was so impeccable about Leila? I'm dying to know."

_The fact the Elena groomed her for years to ensure what she thought was our compatibility._

"Ana, don't. She's just messing with you."

"She was your fucking sub for a year, clearly there was something there and she's looks like a fucking model so yeah, you better fucking tell me."

"Ana, that year we were setting up the Tokyo and Middle Eastern branch of GEH and I was travelling a lot and so I wasn't even Seattle on most weekends. As far as her being impeccable, she was a professional in the BDSM circle, it wasn't that she was extraordinary, she just knew how to keep a balance between punishment and reward to keep dominant's happy. That's all. And for the record she ended the arrangement because she wanted more and I was not in the market for that. She left and then got married 6 months later to someone else. They're just trying to fuck with us."

She remains silent and continues to unpack some of her things.

"Ana, they don't mean anything."

"I know that Christian. I just... for the longest time they were just a number or names and pictures in a file but to see them in person, standing in front of me. Telling me how I don't measure up. Telling me all the things you did together and making me realize that I may never be able to give you that... " She pauses for a few moments. "I didn't choose my past, it happened to me. You chose these women. You saw something in them... you decided they were worth of your time... I have spent the last 23 years feeling unworthy and over extending myself beyond my limits to do whatever I could to have an ounce of love in my life and I still felt undeserving. Kate tried to help me and it got a little better and now with therapy, I'm finally coming around to accepting myself but it's hard. It's difficult with the press cutting me down. It's difficult when your past comes for me. I never did anything to these women; I didn't even know them, so when they come at me... it hurts. I'm only human." Her eyes remain fixed on the closet and tears slowly fall from her eyes. "When I see Vishaal I feel dread coursing through me because I had a negative experience. What if you see these women and you feel something like before? It's not even something I could hold against you because... we're all human and..." She shakes her head.

I walk closer to her and cup her face turning it to me. "Look at me, baby." She raises her tear filled eyes and holds my gaze. I lean in and give her a searing kiss, pulling her closer and molding herself to me. I release her and look in her eyes again. "None of these people matter. We both have scars, remember you said that they were battle scars, proof that we survived so much and look where we are now. We're together and we're happy."

She nods silently.

"The fact that I have to even think about them is a nuisance. My mind is consumed by thoughts of only you ever since I met you. No other woman has ever been or will ever be able to do that. I love you, Ana. You believe that don't you?"

"Of course, I do. I just need a minute, Christian. How would you feel if I had been with a few guys before I met and they came to you and said similar shit? What if Vishaal came up to you and detailed all the unspeakable shit he did to me and passed it off as my being a willing participant?"

The thought has me fuming. I don't know if I would be able to handle it all.

"I know... I wish I didn't have this past but my present and future is only with you just as yours is with mine." I kiss her eyes and she nods and rests her head on my chest.

"At least they're banned from wedding." She murmurs.

"Yeah, how did that happen?"

She looks up and rests her chin on my chest. "Vishaal fucked up last night. He announced a relationship without first clearing it with elders in the family. He should've run it by Nani first since she's the oldest person in the family or even his parents at least. It's an unspoken rule and it's done out of respect. That shit he said that he was the head both families, that's what it was, absolute shit. He's just the oldest cousin, he likes to coast on the fact that he was the born first on both sides but he doesn't know how to actually act like a big brother. Same with Kiran. Only Karan and Rania actually act out the position of being a big brother or sister if you think about it. I wish I had realized this before I left for Portland..." She trails off.

I kiss her forehead.

"With you and me it was different. Yes, I'm not ethnically south Asian but I am a part of this famly and I honor their traditions. We met at the wedding and in public in front of everyone and even though I told Nita about us first, I introduced you in an official capacity to Nani before anyone else in the family. Technically, I should've introduced to you Nana but he was sleeping that night. It's about respect. You first tell your elders and get their blessing before just randomly blindsiding them with news like this in public. This party tonight is just us cousins having fun so they can come to it but the wedding, there will be elders and prominent people from the community and business world. Vishaal's pride ultimately caused him to shoot himself in the foot. That was an impulsive strike last night as was mine but I kept it kosher."

_And you were brilliant at it._

"I'm going to fucking ruin all them." Fuck the NDA. Fuck not having surveillance on that piece of shit. I grab my phone out of my pocket and call Taylor.

"Put the phone down, Christian."

"Stay out of it Ana, I need to tell him."

"Don't fucking tell me to stay out of it, this affects me more than it will affect you. The more we push back the harder he will hit and Christian."

"Then what do you want me to do? Just fucking stand here and do nothing while they try to fuck with you?" I raise my voice at her.

She runs her hands through her hair while taking a shuddering breath and walks into the bathroom.

"Ana, baby. We need to do something."

She places both hands on the counter and leans down and immediately stands up and looks at me.

"You want me to paint a picture for you Christian? You want me to tell you how this will go down because I already see it. This little stunt is put a wedge between us so that we break up. This is retaliation for what happened on Memorial Day Weekend. Remember when he said all bets are off? Well, welcome to the game. As you've seen, every family event, Vishaal comes up with some new way to torture me. I know him. You see how fucking petty and vicious his mind is. This is his payback. Judging by Leila's little infomercial he still thinks he can get you to break it off with me. He is using them because chances are he thinks I don't know about the BDSM shit and that once I do, we'll be over.

This is life's grand plan outside of becoming CEO Of AHAK. He wants to break me, little by little. So that when I'm completely alone and broken, he will be my savior again and he will marry me and keep me as his little submissive wife. That is what he wants from me."

"Well, he can't have you. He'll never have you. Ana, I will keep you safe. I promise."

She scoffs and rolls her eyes. "I can keep myself safe. I've been doing this on my own for the last 5 years anyway. Why would now be any different. After all, look at what just happened. I got way more information out of Leila and Phoebe in 10 minutes than your precious security team."

She turns to walk into the room. I follow her again and she pours herself a cup of water and takes a sip then sits on the couch. I sit next to her and she creates some distance.

"Ana, baby please. I'm sorry. I'm really trying. Right now, I swear to God I want to go and murder that son of a bitch."

"I know you are, Christian. It's not that..." She leans back against the headrest of the couch and looks up for a few moments before speaking again. "Why do you think he's doing this? He wants you to react that way. God knows what Leila and Pheobe have told him about you. You think NDA's hold up in pillow talk or girl talk? They both have a common goal and they're using each other to get what they want but if you go after them it will exacerbate this entire situation even more."

"So what we just sit here and wait? Fuck this, I need to do something."

"Christian, what can you do? You can't control them; if you really could then this would not be happening. If you go and see them you'll be giving them what they want and what's worse they can have you recorded or some shit. Trust me I know how Vishaal thinks and now add these two psychos? I mean..." She says with disgust.

"Then let me have Taylor deal with it. "

"No, listen to me. I can deal with this. It's not bad this time around. I'm not alone, we're together and I'm out of sight most of the time. This is just a game of mental torture now... I have to learn to not let if affect me so much. Either way, as long as I'm with you, Karan and Tony, I'll be fine." She wipes the remaining tears and resolves to stop crying.

We get up and go back to the room to get ready for the party tonight.

* * *

I get done with my shower and change into my clothes. Apparently the theme for the party is 'One Last Night of Debauchery' before Aashu and Imran tie the knot.

Ana's doing her makeup when she suddenly turns to me. "What did Leila mean that she wanted you to collar her?"

"Ana, do we have to talk about this right now?" I really don't want to discuss this.

"I think I have a right to know." She doesn't let up.

I sigh. "Leila obviously wanted more from our arrangement. In the BDSM scene when you collar someone outside of a sexual act it's basically akin to marrying them without the actual paperwork that goes into a marriage. For some people they have actual collaring ceremonies. I was never interested in that."

Her face falls and she swallows. "How does that even work? What do they do, wear an actual collar forever?"

"Well, in private yes, it could be a metal or leather collar and in public it can be a necklace that acts as a collar, kind of like the choker you wear sometimes. Instead of a ring, it's a piece of jewelry around their neck."

"I see." She looks up to me after a moment. "She still wants that from you."

"I don't give a fuck about what she wants."

"Christian, if this sub club shit is real then I don't have it in me to try and foresee what 17 different mindsets are thinking about and when and how they will come at me."

"Well for starters, some of them don't even live in the US anymore and most the other are either married, with children or in serious relationships so I think we're good for the most part."

"So I have the pleasure of meeting the only three of the crazy ones?" She says annoyed.

"Ana, they are in the past. They don't matter."

"That's easy for you to say. I mean thank God one of them is dead but still this is very new to me. These women are your exes. You were intimate with them, no matter what you say, there was something there. Whether there was a lack of emotion or not, it was still a relationship. Time and space was shared over a period of time. They're only human. I'm only human too. I'm really trying to see past all of this but I see how beautiful they are... you just never gave them a chance." She trails off.

"Why do you care so much about them?" I ask annoyed because I don't want to waste any more talking about these two. I don't give a fuck how they look. Ana is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I wish she could see how I see her.

She shrugs. I walk up to her and kiss her with all the passion I can. "You, only you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I only want you, I only need you. I don't give a fuck about anyone else Anastasia. You are it for me. And at the risk of making a really bad joke, you're the only one I'd want to collar."

Her face erupts into giggles and then full-blown laughter as I hold her and kiss her cheek, crushing her to me.

"Stop I can't breathe." She tries to push me away, giggling.

"I'm serious. I'm going to collar you."

"Fuck you, Grey." She laughs again. "WAIT! Was that sapphire necklace supposed to be a collar?"

"It can be if you want it to." I smirk.

"Oh hell, no. Don't' be cheap. I want a new one and it better be one really expensive collar, I have standards." She sasses.

"Oh Miss Steele, they'll be able to see it from outer space." I give her a big wet kiss.

She rolls her eyes and laughs. "Whatever. Now, leave me alone now I have to get dressed." I release her and smack her ass.

A little while later she walks out of the room into the living area in an asymmetrical electric blue fringe dress and her hair in a signature ponytail and the charm bracelet I got her on her left wrist. She wore it every single day we were on vacation.

"You really are ready to party aren't you?" I laugh and walk towards her.

She spins around and does a little shimmy. "Always, Mr. Grey."

I pull her close to me and kiss her hard. "Don't party too much, save some energy for when we come back tonight. I want to party in private with you." I whisper and bite her lip.

"I'm never too tired to party with you, Mr. Grey." She giggles and kisses me again while we sway in place for a bit.

* * *

**APOV**

We're on our way to the club. Taylor takes the exit to head onto the Bay Bridge to Oakland. I lean my head against the window and look up at the bridge lights passing by. I close my eyes for a bit.

_I feel my head on the seat and my body throbbing with pain as a hand soothes my hair. I look up and I feel tears fall from my eyes as I see the lights pass by, almost streaking through sky._

I immediately open my eyes and sit up trying to catch my breath.

"Baby?" I hear Christians voice in a panic as he scoots closer to me. "What wrong? Look at me."

"N-nothing... sorry I just..." I shake my head. "Sorry." I mumble and climb into his lap and tightly hold on to him.

"What happened, mon amour?" He asks me softly as he kisses my cheek. I love it when he calls me that.

_I don't know. I don't understand what I saw and felt just now._

"Just felt a little weird. It's a passing feeling."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

I nod and raise my head to give him a small kiss. "Are you sure you're not sick of me clinging to you like this?"

He laughs softly and kisses me again. "I love it when you cling to me like a monkey. I'm going to miss it when we're back in Seattle again."

These past three weeks were wonderful. We spent every day together. Something we haven't done for more than a weekend since we met. Even though we were on vacation we still worked a few hours a day. I suppose we're both workaholics that way. Still, we were together and now I've gotten so used to him. We walked around freely, ate to our hearts content from little cafes, sat in parks and ate fruit we bought from nearby markets. I taught Christian how to boil pasta and scramble eggs. It's the little things in life.

We arrive at the club and I look up when I get out of the car. _A club called Saphir?_ With metallic lettering black lit by neon blue lights.

_Your name should've been Anastasia Saphir Steele. You're more of a Sapphire than a Rose._

I shake my head at the thought. It's probably a coincidence.

I look turn to look at Christian and his face is tense.

"Everything okay?" I ask him as he takes my hand and nods with a tight smile. I see Tony at the front on his phone and we walk towards him and he helps us bypass all the commotion at the entrance after we greet him.

I hear the bass vibrate through the air as a familiar the song sets the mood.

_Could swear that we've been here before  
'Cause in your arms I feel so sure  
As if you knew me well  
Must have been a reason for this feeling 'cause it rings a b__ell_

As we walk in, I'm hit with an almost violent sense of _deja vu_. I smell mint and pineapple and the corridor we walk through is illuminated with a neon blue light. We pass another corridor with an elevator bank in the middle and a grand staircase at the end of it. We keep walking straight ahead till we get to two massive doors. Once they open, we walk on to a balcony overlooking the dance floor and I feel the sense of dread grow. _Am I overreacting?_ I haven't been to a club since I was in Portland. Wow, I'm so pathetic but strangely this all feels familiar. The air is filled with a smoke of people smoking hookah all around. Something that Aashu and Imran love to do in their off time. This entire night is about what they love doing to unwind which involves a lot of alcohol and dancing.

I ask Tony where Rania is and he points in her general direction as we descend the side stairs to the seating areas around the dance floor. Once we reach our section, we greet everyone. Kiran is still distant. Daniel is his usual happy self and Rania and Raees are just happy to be out on the town without a kid.

I stay close to Christian, we remain seated for the most part. The music is good; it's all Aashu and Imran's favorites. The dance floor is completely full and as much as I want to dance I can't bring myself to. Not alone that is and I can't ask Christian. He seems to be lost in thought himself. I guess we're all just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I see Kiran looking at me and signal that she wants to talk. We haven't or rather she hasn't had a proper heart to heart with me since Kate's wedding. I tell Christian I'll be right back and that I'm going to talk to her for a bit. He tells me to keep Sawyer close, which goes without saying. We walk around the dance floor and she leads me up the stairs towards an elevator that takes us up to rooftop seating area. Once we get there we find ourselves a place to sit. It's uncharacteristically empty. I ask her why that is and she says that it's members only access and since the whole club was closed for a private event, most of the top floors would be empty.

"What's wrong, Kiran?"

Her face tenses as she begins "Are you sure you want to marry Christian?"

_What the fuck?_

"Where is this coming from? You were the one who has been on my case to get him to marry me. Why the sudden change?"

"He's fucked up Aana." _What the hell?_

"Excuse me?"

"Look, we found out some stuff about him."

"Who the fuck is we?"

"Bhai did. And we he tried to confront him about it on Eid, Christian punched him."

"I'm sorry, what now?"

"He's into some fucked up shit, Aana. It's BDSM which isn't so bad but the shit he practices is really fucked up. He's sent women to the hospital, he likes to beat and whip women till they bleed."

_I cannot believe what the fuck she is saying to me. _

"And Vishaal told you this? You believe him?"

"Of course I do. Why would he lie about something like this, he only wants to see you happy Aana."

I turn around and walkaway from her. _This is too much._

"Aana, I understand what happened between you and him. You were young and just coming out of recovery but he doesn't hold it against you. It's okay."

I feel my heart rate go up and tears sting my eyes.

"What did he tell you?" I ask trying to mask my breaking voice.

"That you loved him. The weekend before you left for Portland. He understands that it was misguided. He doesn't hold it against you but at the same time, he won't ever stop caring for you. You're making a mistake Aana."

"When did he tell you this?"

"After Eid. I wish you had told me this yourself... I wouldn't have judged."

I take a seat and hold my face in my hands. That piece of shit. _The fucking piece of shit._ She will never believe if me if I tell her.

I feel her sit next to me and try to embrace me but I push her away.

"Don't fucking touch me. You both need to stay the fuck away from me. I love Christian and he is a good man. Vishaal is nothing but a liar."

"What the fuck has gotten into you?"

"I'm sick of your shit Kiran. I'm sick of the both of you. Leave me the fuck alone and if you breathe a word of this to anyone, I will tell Daniel about Portland and the abortion."

I see the horror on her face. "You wouldn't..."

"Oh I would. Don't you dare come for Christian or try to ruin what I have with him because one wrong step and I blow you out of the water. I got a copy of your file from the clinic and I will give it to Daniel."

"You wouldn't, how could you? Those are confidential."

"You all aren't the only billionaires with connections I know." I spit back.

"I can't believe you would choose him over us. After everything we've done for you. We're your family. We only want to protect you."

And suddenly it hits me. She doesn't have her phone. I need to get out of here and get to Daniel. I have a hunch that I need to confirm and now is the only time I can do it.

"Your brother wouldn't know the meaning of family even if his life depended on it." I bite back. "Leave me the fuck alone, Kiran. I am serious and for the record, I never loved him in the way that he's claiming. He's the one who wants to marry me and has been on my case for the past five years trying to convince me to accept him more than a brother." I get up and quickly walk away and leave her sitting on the chair.

Sawyer asks if I'm fine I assure him I am. _Get to Daniel._ That is my goal right now.

I rush back down and make my way through the seating area to get to where we're sitting. Thank God Daniel is still there. He's talking to Karan and Christian. I tell him Kiran needs her phone and he takes it out of his blazer pocket and gives it to me. I turn around to walk out and find a quiet corner. Her passcode is still Daniel's birthday. I go through it and look for the contact called Jaan. It's still there. I press call and the person picks up on the third ring.

"Kiran, honey... what's wrong?"

I feel my heart fall into my stomach. No... she wouldn't be that stupid. It can't be him and judging by his greeting... she's still talking to him. I hang up. He calls back but I keep ignoring it and block the contact but not before texting it to myself and deleting the text window right after.

I exit the bathroom and walk back to main room when I see Kiran exiting the elevators wiping her tears. I grab her arm and guide into a secluded corner.

"What the fuck?" She snarls.

"It was Jack wasn't it? It was his baby. He's your Jaan that you've been fucking around with all these years. You knew Nana never liked him..."

"W-wha.. no... h-how..." Her eyes are wide in shock and I feel my heart break more at the confirmation.

"I cannot believe you. After all the shit he pulled on our family... and the shit you've been putting Daniel through... you don't deserve him. He threatened my life Kiran and you're still fucking around with him. You are just like your brother. Only loyalty is to yourself."

I shove her phone in her chest and turn to walk away but she grabs my arm and begs me to not say anything but I pull out of her grasp and walk away full of shock, fear and sadness.

I rush back in to the main room and try to calm my breathing. I can't look upset or Christian will freak... he already looks on edge. I take a few deep breaths watching everyone dancing. I look around the room and my eyes travel upward and I see hanging stars and the dancing lights illuminate the skylight two floors up every so often.

_Starry night with abstract colors._

Fuck. _Did it all happen here? But what about the bedroom? Did he take me back to his place? _

I make my way back to the seating area, I give Christian a small smile and scoot in closer to sit next to Rania and get her attention.

"What's up babe?" she asks taking a sip of her drink.

"This was the club where we had my going away party, right?" _Please prove me wrong. Please._

"Yeah, Armure but they recently renamed it to Saphir about a month or so ago. It's been a while since we used that name." She giggles. I give her a small smile and hug before I get up and move closer to Christian. _Fuck. FUCK_. I'll just tell him when we get back home. But the dread festers inside of me.

Kiran comes back after a while and snuggles with Daniel but I ignore her. Christian plays with my hair and gives me kisses every now and then. I dance with Karan and Aashu here and there, along with Tony while I try to get my mind off of the shit Kiran told me.

"A part of me wishes we were back in our living room and dancing." I whisper in Christian's ear. I want us to be far away from shit storm.

"We don't have to wait, when we get back to the hotel room; I'll dance with you all you like baby." He kisses my forehead and I snuggle closer into him and rest my head on his chest. I'd love to dance with him here but my guy is shy and knowing how socially trigger happy everyone here is... I don't want to put him on the spot.

I'm looking down at my hand in Christians when I feel him stiffen a little. I move away slight and look at his face and follow his gaze to find Vishaal with Leila and Akash with Phoebe standing in front of all of us.

* * *

**CPOV**

"Guys, I wanted to introduce you to my girlfriend. Leila Williams, along with her friend Phoebe Richmond." Vishaal smirks.

Everyone says hello and most of the crew that's sitting shakes hands with them but reactions are measured for obvious reasons given this isn't the way intros to significant others are made in the family according to what Ana said earlier.

"Leila, this is my Aana." I gave Leila a pointed look but she's not responding. The bitch thinks he'll protect her. Phoebe looks psychotic as always and both of them have the audacity to look me straight in the eye.

Ana straightens her shoulders and speaks. "Oh we met at the spa earlier this afternoon."

"Yes we did. You're right V, she's lovely. I can see why you adore her so much. And again, congratulations on your engagement."

"I found that interesting actually, word on the street was the Christian Grey doesn't do the girlfriend thing." Phoebe pipes up. I could backhand her right now.

"Well, Phyllis." Ana begins and I want to laugh. _I love this girl._

"It's Phoebe." She bites back.

"Oh.. anyway." Ana says dismissively. "I had heard the same as well but then I met him and well..." She turns to look me in the eyes. "I just realized he had standards that need to be met." She smiles sweetly.

"And you surpassed all those standards baby." I say a little loudly with a smile while Ana places her left hand, prominently showing her engagement ring for the world to see, on my cheek before pulling me in for a soft kiss.

_I'm marrying the perfect woman._

"DAMN, someone get a bucket of ice-cold water. We need to put out a fire here." Rania cheers making us laugh as we're breaking away from each other.

"We're definitely keeping her." I whisper and Ana falls into a fit of giggles while nuzzling in to my neck.

I look back at both women and see grimace on their face. Since they're already banned from the wedding on Saturday and Sunday, I don't give a shit. I'm having Taylor putting the fear of God into these two sycophants tomorrow. I'm done with this shit. They're going to wish they were never born, after I'm done with them. If Vishaal interferes, I don't care what Nani wants. Enough is enough.

They leave to mingle with others after a few minutes. Ana looks at me with a concerned face.

"Are you okay?" She whispers.

"I'm fine, baby. Don't worry. What about you?" I just wish we weren't at this particular club though. Memories of that night with Elena are at the forefront of my mind and I can't shake them.

"I'm okay too. How about stick around here for maybe another hour and then head home."

"But it's barely 10:30. Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm a grandma remember." She giggles.

"Well, how about I take you back and make you feel young again." I smirk.

"You promise?"

"A promise I intend to keep, forever." I lean in and bite her earlobe making her quietly moan.

I hear bass line from a familiar song blare through the speakers and fill the space. I realize I haven't heard this song since... I was last here. Where I first saw...

_How deep is your love?  
Is it like nirvana?  
Hit me harder... again.  
_

"This was our jam before you left." Rania immediately gets up and hold her hand out to Ana making her laugh. "Come on, Saphir... for old times sake." She continues on in a French accent.

"What did she just call you?" I hold on to Ana to stop her from leaving.

She giggles. "Saphir... it's French for Sapphire. It's also my fake ID name." She smiles brightly at me.

"What do you mean?" I feel the blood drain from my face and my heart fall into my stomach. Please, don't let this be what I think it will be.

She asks me to pull her phone out from my jacket and when I do, she opens the cover up and pulls out her ID's and credit card. She shows me an old New York ID.

_NO._

_PLEASE. _

_NO._

_New York State ID  
Saphir Rose  
09-08-1990  
__220 Central Park West, New York NY 10019_

"This was a fake ID whatshisface and all these guys got me a few weeks before I left for college. Sapphire wouldn't have flown as a name. So they had it say Saphir Rose. It sounded more believable" She laughs and then gets up to go and dance with Rania.

I'm left staring at the ID in my hands and I feel my whole world slowly crumble into chaos around me.

* * *

_FLASHBACK_

_Monday, August 24th, 2015_

_I already spoke to Taylor early this morning about trying to find the woman from the club in Oakland but I'm still restless. I call him up again._

_Taylor, are you sure you cannot find this woman?_

_"Sir, Welch has run the name Saphir Rose through all known databases. Unfortunately they didn't make a copy of her ID but the hostess remembered the name after we gave her the description since it was so unique and that it was from New York. The only explanation is that it was fake."_

_I run my hands through my hair. _

_Taylor senses my frustration and speaks again. "Do you remember anything else about her? Any identifying marks, maybe something she said?"_

_I shake my head. "She briefly spoke in a different language with her Dom but I can't place it. I could barely hear her voice when we spoke, she didn't even look at me. I just know she had some sort of European accent I think. The music was loud and then she was called away... what about the outdoor cameras?"_

_"We went through those. Nothing. She was wearing a mask before she came in with her group of friends and she was carried out by the same man you saw with her into an unmarked SUV. They were still wearing masks._

_I nod. "Ask Welch to keep looking._

_I try to shake the feeling. I try to believe Elena's logic but my gut is telling me otherwise. I should've done something to make sure. It didn't sound right. I shouldn't have walked away._

_FLASHBACK ENDS._

* * *

**A/N:** The first part of the flashback towards the end can be found in the begining of Chapter 58. Feel free to scream at me, just remember I promised you a HEA.

**Music**:

_Rings a bell - Allie X_

_How Deep is Your Love - Calvin Harris, Disciples._

**Blueno**: OMG, HI! congratulations on all the milestones. and I LOL'd so hard. Another reviewer made a similar comment to their fiance almost taking their phone away from them haha. I'm so glad you're caught up and that you have been well, living life :) The story will end soon and I don't want to give too much away but Ana will finally be able to breathe a sigh of relief but she's got some hard decisions to make before she gets there. There will be an epilogue, still working on that!

**bandocks & gowildcats:** you two crack me up. just don't kill me for the next few chapters.

To everyone else. Thank you for still sticking by me. I promise we're in the final stretch. I think 7 more chapters or maybe i'll condense them all into really long chapters and bring the chapter count down. Still working on it. I'm still sticking by my promise of posting once a week over the weekends.

**NEW STORY**: Are you ready for your close up? - only 10% of the drama you'll find in this universe. In case you need a fix of happy after reading the drama here.


	69. Chapter 69

a lot of theories about christian's involvement from the last chapter. We will find for sure the extent of it in chapter 70. Right now, Christian is reacting emotionally and with self-loathing. There is a trigger warning in this chapter and i've clearly labeled it. I didn't go into too much detail. I was conflicted.

P.S. A lot of angst is coming your way. Feel free to stop reading till we get to the HEA.

P.P.S if you want some happiness then check out my other/new story called 'Are you ready for your close up?' on my profile.

* * *

**Chapter 69 – I can't take my eyes off you**

_Friday, August 21__st__, 2020_

**CPOV**

As the song progresses on I see her move to the beat. She moves with a freedom and joy that she did exactly five years ago except back then, I saw a hint of shyness. The dance floor is bathed in a blue light till the strobe lights start flashing through in time with the beat with the chorus.

She throws her head back laughing with Rania and raises her arms while she spins but slowly comes to stop while staring upward. I try to follow her gaze but Rania rubs her arms looks at her with concern. Ana looks at her and shakes her head while smiling. I know that look. She's trying to persuade Rania that's she's fine. They both come back to our seating area and Ana sits down next to me.

"Baby, are you okay?" I ask her.

"My going away party was at this club." She whispers in my ear with a strained voice. "I'm remembering some things."

"I thought you said it was in San Francisco?"

"I didn't realize... I mean. I didn't really remember where it was, I just assumed San Francisco since..." she shrugs.

I feel a shiver run through my throughout my body and I momentarily tense. Even though we all wore masks that night, she could possible remember talking to me. There will be no coming back from this. Still a part of me is in denial. I need absolute proof that it was her. I am desperately praying for divine intervention to just this once prove me wrong; to absolve me of the sin of indifference to her plight all those years ago.

* * *

_FLASHBACK_

_Five years ago_

_Friday, August 21__st__, 2015_

_I was still in a foul mood as we made our way to the club in Oakland. Elena has been on my ass about the possibility of expanding into the BDSM club circuit given how Seattle is complete and utter shit in this regard._

_So here I am, forced to extend my trip out here into the weekend when I could be at Escala caning the shit out of Phoebe for... well, for the simple act of breathing at this point. Just my luck; another submissive in the process of going off the rails. We haven't even been in contract for five minutes. _

_I pride myself in being monogamous in my arrangements but the mind can sometimes be a fickle thing. I was never a true submissive; the submission of body was an act I could play well but the mind, no... the submission of the mind was a temporary cage I allowed myself to reside in to get what I wanted. I had an end goal in mind; that was my key. I wasn't going to be a submissive forever, I was going to take over and be the master of my universe and own others in the process. I was going to be the owner not the owned._

_Before we walked into the club we donned masquerade masks. I had ordered a simple black leather mask. Elena of course chose something ridiculous and over the top making a complete fool of herself but then again, delusions of grandeur can really blind you from yourself. The owner of this particular club is retiring and looking to sell. Tonight has been set up an open house for prospective investors to enjoy and survey the club in its entirety and see how well it performed. _

_The nightclub was four stories with the BDSM club on the third and fourth floor. 12000 square feet of potential that I wanted no part in._

_Elena and I surveyed the nightclub side of things from the second floor balcony where things seemed a little less hectic. It appeared to be doing well. The owner was clearly enamored with Elena for reasons that were beyond me. It was a welcome reprieve and I sought to enjoy it for as long as I was destined to._

_I look down on and see a girl walk on to the dance floor with two of her friends. She moves to the beat as she throws her arms up and waves them through the air. She's a brunette with long, pin straight hair that hangs off of her back. She moves her hips in time to the beat and I'm very intrigued by what I see. She's wearing a filigree mask as well and a dark blue silk dress. I'd go down and dance with her against my better judgment but ditching the botox queen is going to be a little difficult this evening. So, I do the next best thing, I go down the stairs with under the guise of a general survey and watch this fine specimen dance._

_I walk around the dance floor and after getting a drink from the bar, I watch her. A new song starts and the beat is seductive. _

_Let me be your air_  
_Let me roam your body freely_  
_No inhibition or_  
_Fear._  
_How deep is your love?_

_I see light trace of fog fill the air and the girl moves to the middle with her friends. The room slowly bathes itself in a mixture of a blue and red hue and she looks like a phoenix rising from the ashes as the fog engulfs her. She dances like no one is watching till I see a man join her. He grabs her hand and spins her around. The other two women laugh as they take turns with him as well before he returns to her and they continue to dance for the duration of the song. She's not alone and the realization stings. Of course she isn't. _

_30 minutes later I find myself on the fourth floor of the club where the more exclusive members have access and scenes in one of the six elaborately decorated private rooms. Elena chose to remain on the third floor for a while to scope out the public scenes. I had no interest in that. I didn't like sharing or doings scenes in public. I'm a possessive bastard. End of story. _

_FLASHBACK ENDS_

* * *

I wrap my arm around her and kiss her temple.

"We need to retrace your steps Ana."

"I'm scared." She chokes out, looking at me and I see her eyes tear up.

"I'm here for you, every step of the way." I assure her. I'm here, even though I wasn't all those years ago. She gives me a slight nod and I call out to Rania and she gets up from her seat to move a little closer to us.

"Ana tells me she had her going away party here, do you have any pictures from that night? I can't imagine Ana being a party animal." I smirk and she laughs.

"Oh yeah, this one is a goody two shoes. Even that night she was on her best behavior. After two shots of tequila she called it quits." Rania groans as she goes through her phone.

"Wait... I only had two drinks?" Ana asks surprised.

"Yeah girl... actually no wait... I made you drink a shot of patron, so probably three... four at the max..." Rania then leans over and looks at me. "Do you know this grandma left to go home at 11ish that night. We failed to corrupt her." She cackles and goes back looking through her phone. Ana looks back at me and I see her lip quiver.

I quickly kiss her and whisper against her lips. "Don't worry, we'll figure this out. Let's just look through her pictures..." before she can reply Rania hands Ana her phone and we start going through the few images she has.

It was her. It was undeniably her and the indisputable confirmation hits me like a freight train. She was in a dark blue silk dress with a matching, ornate filigree mask that covered most of her face. There are some pictures of her before she adorned the mask at someone's apartment. Her eyes are surrounded by dark blue glimmering eye shadow, bringing out her eyes but I never got to see them that night when I talked to her. Maybe if I had, things would've been different. Her lips are a nude pink and her skin is flawless as always. As the pictures progress, I see selfies with Rania and Kiran who are wearing red and yellow dresses with equally elaborate masks that match the colors of their dresses. There are videos of her taking a shot and giggling. She was just a young girl out to have some fun. _Full of life._

I see another picture of Ana standing with a man wearing a phantom of the opera inspired mask sporting a beard. It's the same man who called out to her when I tried speaking to her. It's Vishaal, I realize. They both stand and Ana beams with laughter in the picture looking at the camera while Vishaal looks down on her. A surge of anger runs through me. She looks happy here and he took that away from her. What's worse, I did nothing to stop it.

"You looked so beautiful. Your hair was so long and you've never worn it that way." I murmur. I'm dealing with so many thoughts racing through my brain as I desperately try to find some sense of calm. I need to remain calm for her. God knows what she is going through.

"Yeah... I've never liked my hair dead straight but Kiran is the one who helped me dress up so I think she may have convinced me. I don't really look like myself... I looked too provocative for my age but I guess I was easily influenced back then. I mean, I was only 19... I turned 20 after I got to WSU." She says with a grimace. "I cut my hair off as soon as I got to Portland. It was shoulder length for a long time. I didn't start growing it out again till maybe senior year but even then I didn't let it grown beyond the middle of my back."

A few minutes later, Rania whispers something in Ana's ear and she tells me she'll be right back. I reluctantly let her go. I text Taylor and tell him to meet me outside in the parking lot.

"Taylor..." I say trying to keep my emotions at bay as I stare at the asphalt beneath me.

"Sir... are you alright?"

"I found Saphir Rose." I mumble, running both hands through my hair, almost pulling them out.

"The woman from that night? How? We looked through every database, Sir."

"It was Ana. She showed me her fake ID a little while ago. Her cousin Rania called her Saphir on a whim and... I fucked up..." I feel my throat close up and I shake my head.

"Christian... you couldn't have known." He tries to placate me but we both know it's useless.

"Jason. She needed me... and I walked away."

"Does she remember talking to you?"

I shake my head and look up towards the sky and take a deep breath. "She's scared to retrace her steps. She doesn't remember much from that night but being here is triggering some memories."

"Sir, this could end badly. If her memory is triggered and she has a negative reaction we need to be ready to get her out of here."

I nod. Suddenly Taylor answers his phone. "I'll tell him. S, stay on the third floor entrance in the event Grey needs you." He hangs up and looks at me. "Sir, Sawyer followed Mrs. Raees and Miss Steele and they took the private elevator to the fourth floor but they won't allow Sawyer in since he's not a member and no security personnel or firearms are allowed. Miss Steele told him she'll only be 20 minutes. Mrs. Raees wanted to show her something... Sir, I need you need to get up there."

Fuck. What the hell is Rania have to show Ana at a BDSM club? _What the fuck is happening?_

I rush back in and turn right into the corridor with the private elevator bank and walk to the grand staircase that leads to the third floor. Once I get there I walk to the end of the corridor and am met with a woman and two guards.

"Good evening, welcome to Saphir." The woman greets me seductively. I roll my eyes. I want to burn this place to the fucking ground.

"I want access."

She turns and leads me through the door into an intermediary vestibule that has a desk with a computer.

"Are you a member? If so, please enter your code on the keypad. If you are a one-time visitor, I will need to see your ID along with a payment of $10,000 for Dominants that includes admission for you and a guest. If you would like to become a member, there is a one-time initiation fee of $20,000 and in addition to choosing the monthly membership package you'd like. If you have a member that can vouch for you we can bring the initiation fee down to $15,000." She smiles.

"One time visit. No guest." I snap.

"Very well. Please take a look at our NDA that includes our general rules of conduct while you are here. If the rules are breached then you will be blacklisted and escorted from the premises."

The door I came through opens behind me and I pay no mind to it. "Ingrid, love, I can vouch for my friend here." A saccharine voice that is unmistakable speaks. _Leila Fucking Williams._

"No need. I'll pay the full price." I growl and give Leila a look but she doesn't back down. She always was defiant. Except now she's pissing me the fuck off to the point of murder.

"Very well." The woman in front of me is all too happy to take my money. I sign the NDA and rules of conduct on the iPad and she directs me through the door.

I walk in and I hear the clacking of Leila's heels behind me. The room is buzzing with people. Some public scenes are taking place along with a fully engaged bar. I know there's a staircase here somewhere that leads to the fourth floor. I scan the room to see if Rania and Ana are here just in case, but I'm interrupted again.

"Master... could we perhaps talk?"

I clench my fists. I need to put an end to this situation. There is too much shit going on.

"Follow me." I bark. I walk left to the corridor and find the fucking stairs that will lead me up but before I start climbing them I realize I need to take care of Leila.

"Listen to me you psychotic bitch, I want nothing to do with you and your fucked up games. You are in violation of the NDA you signed and I will rain down motherfucking hell on you."

Her eyes are wide and I think she's finally getting the message but her lips curl up into a knowing smile and she shrugs.

"Christian, we were so good together. I don't even want marriage from you. Just your dominance, Master. Don't you miss what we had? Does she even give you that? Doesn't look like she does. I know for a fact that I was your favorite. I'm even prettier that her."

Before I can answer she kneels and raises her hands to touch my belt. I immediately take a few steps back and grab her by the arm and drag her up.

"Don't you dare you fucking touch me." I'm squeezing her arm so hard that I could break it and I finally see fear in her eyes. "If you know what is good for you, you'll go back to where the fuck you came from or I will take everything you hold near and dear. Don't test me Miss Williams, I am very motivated to ruin your life right now. You came after the woman I love and I will not stand for it. Do you hear me?"

"Y-yess... sir." She whimpers. _Too fucking late_.

"I want you and Miss Richmond to get lost. You think Kapadia will save you? He won't be able to save you if I've already put you two in a place where the sun doesn't shine, just like your beloved Aunt." I snarl and I hear her gasp and a shiver run through her body.

"H-how..." She is unable to speak, paralyzed by the fear.

I shove her against the wall and climb up the stairs one step at a time trying to calm my breathing. I take out my phone when I get to the landing and text Welch to get me a full report on Leila William's and whatever is left of Phoebe Richmond's family. I am going to destroy every single one of them so that they'll have nothing to go back to.

_Enough of this shit_.

**APOV**

I tell Sawyer that I'll only be 15-20 minutes and that I'm going to check something out with Rania. I can tell he's not happy about it but I assure him that I'll be safe with her. We take the elevators from the second floor and she punches in a code.

"You're a member here too?" I ask.

"Yeah... wait what you do mean too?"

"Kiran brought me up to the rooftop terrace before."

"I didn't know she was a member here... damn. Okay but makes sense, she's a little freaky too." Rania giggles. "This club has a sister location in LA and New York as well, chances are she's a member in the New York one."

"Wait, what is going on?"

Before she can answer we get off the fourth floor and meet with the hostess standing in front of two large doors. Rania talks to her for a minute or two and hands her two wristbands. A white one for me and a red one for Rania.

"Rania..."

"Sshh, I'm Ruby here and you're Saphir." I nod. "Can you promise you won't judge me? I just... I promise it's not bad..."

"I won't judge, I promise." I'll just silently freak out and try my best to keep my nerves at bay.

The guard opens the door to let us in and it's a bar-lounge sort of room, it's a little quieter and actually really beautiful. Across the room is a big floor to ceiling window that has a view of the Bay Bridge. Rania leads to across the room to it while I see some of the people sitting on leather couches, chairs and bar stools. Some men and women are kneeling and wearing what looks like are collars. Some men are in suits, some are shirtless, while some are in leather from head to toe. The women follow a similar fashion in variety. I swallow. Fuck is this a BDSM club?

Rania is into BDSM? The thought is not unsettling but not at all comforting either. It's like walking in on your mom and dad having sex.

I continue to follow her trying to keep my eyes to myself and we find an empty loveseat by the window. We take our seats and she excitedly looks at me.

"Okay remember when I told you I was meeting with a sex therapist cause Raees and I were having some issues in the sack about a year and half ago."

"Uh.. yeah.." I say carefully.

"It was a tiny lie. Well, I guess she kind of is a sex therapist in a way. Her name is Mistress Cyan, I met her through one of the mom's at Rania's daycare. She's an exec at Uber and we were talking over brunch one day and she told me how her huband and her were in funk after they had their son and arranged a meeting with this woman. She introduced us to a very introductory level of role play and BDSM and it changed everything."

"Ruby, you're like mom status for me. Knowing that you're into BDSM is like... " I close my eyes and laugh and I feel her pull me into a hug. "What's with the wristbands?"

"You're such a goody two-shoes." She whispers laughing. _Oh Rania... you have no idea. _"Red is for Dominant-Dommes, White is for observers. Orange is for submissives who are here with their doms and green are for people who are submissives that are unattached." I nod, trying to process the information.

"Wait. So Raees is the sub in your relationship? I pull away and cover my eyes. "Oh god, I can never look him in the eye. I mean, not that being a sub is bad it's just... oh god. " I giggle trying to not be embarrassed.

She flips her hair over her shoulder and cackles. "Bitch please, of course he is. Look who he married... but in all honesty we switch it up. Sometimes Mama gets tried and she needs someone else to do the work." She shrugs.

"So you guys come here when Ruby comes into town? WAIT... is this where you guys disappeared to for like an hour this evening."

She gives me a smug smile and I shake my head. "Freaks."

"Freaks who have fun, bitch. You should try it. I totally get Dom vibes from Christian. He has an air about him. Though you seem like a tough bitch too." She giggles

_Girl, you have no idea. _

"Christian and I dabbled in role playing... Sapphire made an appearance when we went to London after the proposal."

"It's about fucking time. Tell me he loved it." Rania's eyes are wide and pleading for the details.

I get into character and sit back on the couch and mime smoking a cigarette. "Of course he did, what's not to love. I'm perfect." I wink and we both cackle.

"Why are you telling me this, I mean, I'm glad you trust me but I'm still curious."

"I can't really talk to anyone about it, you know. Everyone views BDSM as this freaky taboo thing and I know I've always had a bit of adventure in me. I know you wouldn't judge and I guess, I just wanted to have another girl I could talk to you know?" She shrugs. "We're still learning but it's really helped our relationship and we appreciate each other so much more now. It's made life, exciting."

"Thanks for telling me you freak. I appreciate it." I laugh and give her a hug.

We're suddenly interrupted by a woman who addresses Rania, I look at her and I feel the blood drain from my face. I can see she's recognized me but she doesn't say anything. _Cynthia?_ Then I remember she told me that she gave instruction in LA and San Francisco. She's dressed in leather from head to toe with her hair in a slicked back long ponytail. She's not someone I wouldn't want to cross when dressed like that.

"Ruby, back so soon and I see you've brought another playmate. Didn't know you ventured across the aisle." She laughs softly.

"Oh no, this is my friend Saphir. I wanted to show her around."

"Saphir? Just like the name of our little club. Welcome. I'm Mistress Cyan. I hope you enjoy yourself and come back to visit again." She smiles sweetly at me.

Just then Rania excuses herself to get a drink. I stand up as well and walk a little closer to Cyan.

It's now or never. "Could I ask a question, Mistress Cyan?"

"Sure."

"How did the club's name come to be? I heard it was called Armure before."

"The owner renamed it after a woman he loves."

I feel the bile rise in my throat. I could be very wrong with this hunch of mine but I have to ask.

"Is the owner's name Vishaal Kapadia?"

I see a hint of surprise on her face but she does her best to hide it well.

"I'm afraid I've never heard that name before."

"I trust you honor your NDA's."

"I do and I don't ever violate them. My discretion is my lifeline in this business." Her tone bristles with finality and I can tell she's slightly affronted but I don't care.

"Very well. That's all the confirmation I needed." She knows him. I know it. I need to ask Benny to look into her. I can't ask Welch. He reports everything to Christian.

I see Rania start to walk back in our direction. Cynthia gives me a nod and walks away.

Come, let me show you where the magic happens." Rania is way too giddy about this. She leads me to a corridor on the left that spans the entire depth of the room. We pass by six doors and the wall across the doors is adorned with different paintings from different art periods ranging from baroque to modern classical but all have a very sexual nature to them. Both aggressive and gentle... I feel a little uneasy as I walk down the length of the corridor. The lighting is dim and recessed with a warm crimson color on the walls.

We get to the end of the corridor and I look up and see the number 6 in roman numerals.

"This is the room we also use. It's still empty, it's not really that popular but it's used for instruction mostly when easing people in to the lifestyle or for BDSM babies like us." She giggles.

"What the second door for?"

"Oh that's the voyeur room. Each room has one but you can choose to have a completely private session where no one can see you. It has a one way mirror." I nod and I feeling of uneasiness creep over me as she opens the door and we walk in.

_The smell of sandalwood and vanilla._

"This room is called the Vanilla room. Raees and I have ventured into some of the other rooms during training sessions but some of them are a little extreme and frankly scary looking."

I take a deep breath and look around. I look up and the ceiling is painted a dark blue and black with what looks like a galaxy of stars behind a silver grid. The farthest wall has chest of drawers which I assume has a variety of instruments. I see a St. Andrews Cross with in dark blue with leather padding.

"What about hygiene, I assume every room has a turnover rate?" I ask.

"As soon as you leave, there's staff to come in an clean up everything and change the bedding along with replacing whatever toys you used. There's also an ensuite bath for aftercare, right there." She points to the door in the corner to my right.

**_TRIGGER WARNING._**

The room seems familiar and I feel a sense of dread start to creep in. I walk to the bed, I hear Rania talking but I can't really hear her. I touch the bedding and run my hand along it.

_Silk and white with light blue._

I close my eyes and I hear his voice. I hear his _menacing voice_ and I suddenly start to see everything.

_I'm thinking of investing in this club and wanted to show you something before I finalized the deal._

_This can be ours, Saphir. We can be so good together because we love each other._

It all comes back me, how he tried to kiss me and then slapped me when I resisted. How I struggled as he shoved me down on the bed and raped me over and over again. How they both held me down and tied me up. The sound of the belt. The burn of it on my skin. I feel my body start to go numb but I need to fight... heat starts to emanate from my hip. _No... no... not right now... please._

"R-Rania... I need..." I look at her and I can't breathe. I'm trying to keep the pain from consuming me. It feels like my hip will get torn into a million pieces.

"Baby, what happened?" I see the concern on her face as she rushes to my side. She holds me and holds my face. "Aana, what happened? Tell me." I hear the panic in her voice

"C-christian... p-please... call him. Now please." I fall to the floor and start sobbing willing my body to not give into the pain. I can't breathe. I can't breathe anymore.

It happened here.

He raped me here.

**CPOV**

After I send a text to Welch, I climb up the remainder of the stairs and walk into the grand room with the bar. My mind drifts back to that night. When I saw Ana in this space, how she stood by the window looking out and lost in thought. I tried to talk to her but she seemed so far away and barely replied. At the time, I thought she was being a good sub. I thought she was doing well by ignoring me because she belonged someone else. Still, the jealousy was there.

I scan the room and I don't see them. I sincerely hope they went back down. I'm not brave enough to go to the room where I heard her screaming for help. I couldn't handle it. Just as the thought rattles around my brain, I feel my phone vibrate and pull it out.

RKR: 911. Aana needs you. Fourth floor of the club. Room VI.

_FUCK._

I rush to my left and enter the corridor and stand in front of the room. Before I can reach for the handle, the door flies open and I see Rania's panicked face and tears in her eyes.

"Christian... thank god you're here. I don't know what happened." She turns and walks further into the room where I see Ana sobbing in a fetal position. It rips my heart into a million pieces.

"Ana, baby..." I wipe the hair from my face. "Look at me baby... what happened?"

She looks back up at me and I see the fear in her eyes. "H-here... it hap..." she stutters and is unable to finish her sentence. I pick her up and hold close to me, burying her face in my chest as she continues to sob.

"What is she saying, Christian?" Rania's kneeling by our side and I don't know what to tell her. Not without Ana's consent.

"Rania, she's just not feeling well. I need to get her out of here without drawing too much attention. You have to help me with that. I'm taking her back to the hotel room."

"uh.. yeah, okay... I'll go and ask one of the people I know here about using the fire exit stairs. They lead straight to the parking lot." She gets up and runs out of the room. I call Taylor and tell him to get the car ready and that I'm bringing Ana out in a bit.

"Ana baby, look at me." I hold her face and look into her eyes. There's an almost vacant expression on her face. Like she's lost. "Ana... "

She closes her eyes for a few moments and when she opens them again her face is impassive and she moves to get out of my embrace to stand up.

"Ana, take it easy... let me help you." She doesn't protest. I quickly take off my jacket and drape it on her shoulders. Her skin is cold as ice. When I help her stand, she wobbles as she takes a few steps and I hold her against me.

"Baby, let me carry you."

"NO...I.. I.. I can w-walkkk..." She pushed through taking one step at a time.

We walk out the door and she walks straight to the painting on the wall across from the door. She takes it off from the wall and turns it up down and looks at it intently. It's _The Rape of the Daughters of Leucippus._

"A woman falling...two women falling..." she mumbles.

"You saw this back then?"

"Yes." There is an absence to her tone. It's as if she's in a trance or that she's numb and in shock. I slowly take the painting from her and hang it back on the wall. I see Rania turn around the corner and signals us to follow her to the fire stairs that lead to the parking lot. I tell her to not tell anyone about what happened and to only fill Karan in on the situation and that if Ana is feeling better she can come by and see her in our room tomorrow.

She remains quiet on the car ride to the hotel. I hold her hand and try to get her to talk to me but she doesn't respond. I can't fathom what's going through her mind. We get to the room and I help her sit on the bed and take off her heels and massage her feet. She sits quietly and her heads remains slightly bowed and her eyes are vacant as she stares into space. I tell her I'll be right back that I'm going to use the bathroom and she gives me a slight nod. When I return, she's not on the bed. I look all around the suite in a panic and find in her hiding in a corner, huddled with her knees to her chest near one of the couches in the living room.

I got to sit next to her and try to coax her back to the present. "Baby what's wrong? Please tell me." I need her to talk to me, the longer she stays quiet the more dangerous it is. I pick up her hands and kiss them. "Baby, please, tell me." I plead.

She doesn't say anything for a few moments but then speaks with almost no emotion.

"He raped me in that room. He took me in there and did unspeakable things to me. He told me this was my punishment; that he tried to get me to listen with love but now it was time that I was punished. For biting the hand that fed me, for rejecting his love. He punished me over and over again. I screamed as loud as I could, begging for help till I physically couldn't and then I gave up fighting. I just endured it. I even begged for forgiveness but he never stopped." She goes quiet and I feel the burn of holding my breath in. My chest constricts and my body begs for air. I could have done something but I chose not to. I start to see tears fall from her eyes but she doesn't make a sound.

"and then he..." She gasps and goes silent again.

"Tell me Ana, you have to get this out there. Don't let it sit in your head baby. Just tell me, I'm here, no one is going to hurt you like that again, I promise." I reason with her, hoping it will work... a part of me doesn't think I will be able to handle it but this a punishment I have to endure. Knowing what I let happen to her. I don't deserve the mercy of not knowing.

"Akash held me down when I tried to fight. They tied me up and he hit me with his belt. He was angry that I wasn't making a sound so he hit me harder. Then he raped me again. I remember being in the car looking up at the passing lights. He pet my hair. I was in so much pain and I cried, quietly praying to die in that moment. I remember being carried up the stairs in the dark and being laid down on my bed. He ripped my dress off and raped me again. He said that I now truly belonged to him. That I would always remember who was there first and soon enough he would be there last."

I feel the tears fall from my eyes. I hold her hand and bring it to my lips, silently begging her for forgiveness.

"He claimed my body and now all that's left is to claim my mind." She murmurs staring off into space.

"No, you're so strong. He'll never break you Ana." I choke out.

"I was stupid. So stupid." She responds dejectedly. "This was all my fault. I didn't see the signs. I let this happen to me and my brain is fucking stupid." She says with a humorless laugh. "It blocked it all out. It made me suffer all these years."

"Don't say that... it was protecting you from this. What happened to you was... you never deserved it Ana. No one deserves that."

"Today night marks five years. He wanted this to happen."

"He's a sick son of a bitch... what were you doing on those floors?"

_**TRIGGER WARNING ENDS.**_

"Rania and Raees dabble in BDSM. They're still in the introductory stages but they come to this club for instruction sometimes. She didn't think I would judge her if she told me about it so she wanted to share it with me. The room where you found me, that's the room they frequent."

I was not expecting that at all. Then again, I shouldn't be surprised. _It's always the unsuspecting ones._

"Do you remember talking to anyone that night? Anything else, outside of what happened to you?" I ask carefully wondering if she remembers talking me, or a man that was me.

She shakes her head. "Even what I remember right now is in fragments but they are clear and I remember the fear I felt. I remember screaming. When I woke up the next day, I had lost my voice, I thought it was from all the alcohol... but now we know it was from this."

"I'm sorry, Ana. I'm so sorry." I blurt out, with tears falling from my eyes. _I'm sorry, I walked away._

She shakes her head. "It's not your fault this happened. I was too dumb to see the red flags."

_It is my fault and I'm too scared to admit to you because I don't want to lose you._

She continues to sit quietly for what seems like hours. I ask her if she wants to take a bath and eat something. She shakes her head at both options and tells me she just wants to lie down and sleep. We walk to the bed and I tell her I'll help her change but she refuses and lies down in her dress and curls up into a ball. I strip to my boxers and slip in next to her and pull her to me. I kiss her neck and hold her tight. She warps her arms around me neck and I hear her softly cry. I kiss her temple and rub her back, trying to soothe her, silently wishing I could erase the memory of what happened to her that weekend.

"Can you sing to me? I want to stop seeing these images in my brain." She barely gets the words out.

"What do you want to hear?"

"A-anything that will t-take a-away from here." She hiccups and cries.

"Remember when I took you on the Grace the first time?" I feel her nod. "I told you I can't take my eyes off you." She nods again.

* * *

**_FLASHBACK_**

_Sunday, May 10__th__, 2020_

_I see Ana lean on the railing, looking out at the water as the afternoon sun shines brightly._

_I walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her temple. I had my music library on shuffle when I was out for a run earlier in the week and The Blower's Daughter came on. I hadn't heard that song in ages. _

'_I can't take my eyes off you " I whisper singing in her ear and she giggles. _

_She turns around and wraps her arms around my neck and sings back with a smile. "I can't take my off you."_

"_I knew it, you're obsessed with me." I chuckle._

"_Guilty." She laughs. "Do you know the story behind the song?" I shake my head. "Well the unofficial story is that Damien Rice worked at call center before he decided to pursue music as a career and he would spend all day cold calling people about insurance I think. One day he called this number and a woman picked up. He ended up talking to her and then over the course of the summer he would call her from the work phone almost everyday around the same time and talk to her. They talked about everything. Her father was I think a clarinet player and he fell in love with this girl and then at the end of the summer, she stopped answering and he got pissed so he figured out her address and took the bus over and hid in the bushes till he saw her leaving the house and heard he say bye to her mom... she ended up being a school girl who was home because of summer vacation. He fell in love with her and wrote this song about her. He was furious that she led him on but it's so weird that from a seemingly dark emotion came this beautiful song. He fell in love with her voice and imagined all sort of things. It's beautiful and scary and sad. Most men when they feel that darkness of obsession they... well, it's not pretty but he walked away from that situation. He could've still pursued her and it would've been all sorts of wrong but he chose to walk away and create something beautiful from that emotion and move on with his life." She muses._

"_I kind of understand where he's coming from..."_

"_Of course you do. Bros before hoes right?" She giggles._

"_Well, yes that and well, I felt that way about you... when I first heard you sing. Except, I had the good fortune of scaring you to death and then meeting you. I started to imagine more with you in the littlest of things. It was also age appropriate, so there's that." I smirk_

_She leans up and kisses me. "Thank God for that."_

_FLASHBACK ENDS._

I start to sing softly in her ear.

_And so it is the shorter story  
No love, no glory  
No hero in her sky_

_I can't take my eyes off you  
I can't take my eyes off you  
I can't take my eyes off you_

I can't take my eyes off you  
I can't take my eyes off you  
I can't take my eyes

I think about the girl I fell in love with over that holiday weekend. How she smiled and laughed. How she took care of everyone around her. How we made love the first time. Seeing her smile in the golden hour light. Asking her to marry me. How she looks at me with love in her eyes sometimes. How she's healed me from a lifetime of pain and sadness.

Soon she falls asleep; every now and then a shiver runs through her body. I lie awake, kissing her hair... thinking of the girl I saw in the club that night and how I wanted her for my own sick fantasies but walked away because I was pissed that she wouldn't address me properly. I held it against her, thinking that she belonged to someone else... so what did it matter if I heard her scream for help. I was a jealous fucking sadist who only thought of himself and his petty desires. If I couldn't have her then it didn't matter to me what she possibly needed.

And karma had now come rearing her ugly head. The universe brought me Ana. I fell in love with her and now it was showing me how I was equally responsible in what happened to her. If I tell her, she will run. She will truly leave me and I won't even be able to blame her.

* * *

_Friday, August 22nd, 2020_

**CPOV**

I wake up with a jolt and see that Ana is not next to me. I check the time and it's just after 6am. I jump out of bed and walk throughout the suite and don't see her. I walk back towards the ensuite bath and hear gut wrenching sobs. I walk in and see her sitting in the tub naked with her face buried in her hands as she cries.

It's the most heartbreaking sight. I am torn between hatred for myself and the hatred for the men who did this to her. I am torn between trying to be present for her and walking away from her because she deserves a man who has some fucking integrity. A man who was never ruled by his baser emotions; a man who has a heart and empathy. Not someone who walks away because he was a petulant child who couldn't have what he wanted.

I take a seat on the floor next to the tub and touch her arm. She slowly moves her hands away from her face but doesn't look at me. Her eyes are red and puffy

"Ana..." I don't know what the fuck to say right now.

She turns her face to look at me but doesn't say anything. Everything that she's ever told me about that morning hits me like a ton of bricks. She was all alone back then. I tear my eyes away from her in shame and pull her hand to my lips and kiss it. I get up to go and get a towel. I hold it open and she stands up, smelling of lavender and epsom salt. I wrap her and lift her up and proceed to dry her. Her eyes remain fixed on the floor. I get her a robe and help her into it and then carry her into the bed. I proceed to close all the curtains and darken the room as much as possible. I check the time on her phone, it's just before 7am. We don't speak at all in this exchange. I climb into bed and hold her to me. Her face in my neck as I kiss her cheek and neck and rub her back. She wraps her neck around me and quietly cries.

When I wake up again, Ana's face is on my chest and her arm around my waist, wrapped around me like a wine. I check my phone and it's almost noon with several texts from Karan and Rania. I reply back and tell them to come up in another 20 minutes. They reply back saying they'll have breakfast sent up for us in the meantime. I wake up Ana gently and tell her that she needs to eat and that Karan and Rania want to check in on her.

A while later the door knocks. Ana and I go to check and it's Tony, Karan, Rania, Aria and Raees.

We all take a seat in the living area of the suite and catch up a little. Ana promises she's doing fine but doesn't elaborate any further.

"Aana Khala, mama told me you have booboo." Aria says while sitting on Ana's lap.

"Yeah Gremlin. I was feeling sick yesterday. Can you give me kisses and make me feel better." Aria nods and Ana starts to point on different places on her face to get kisses form Aria and it's the most adorable exchange. She gives her a big hug and starts to sob.

"Don't cry, Aana Khala..." Aria says holding her face. "Let's go for ice-cream and GG bridge."

"I'm sorry Gremlin... ice-cream would be really nice. How about you go with your Baba and Tony and get me some ice-cream. I need to talk to your Mama and Karamoo for a little bit."

"Okay... let's go baba. Aana Khala needs ice-cream." Aria gingerly gets off of her lap and orders her father and Tony to accompany her out the door just as room service arrives.

Once they leave we settle back down.

"What happened last night, Aana?" Rania starts.

Ana gives Karan a look and then looks back at Rania. "Before I can answer that, I need you to tell me everything that happened before I left Armure the night of my going away party."

I see confusion mar Rania's face. "Why, I mean... what do you want to know?"

"I don't remember much of that night and last night you said I didn't have more than maybe 4 shots. Again, that's not enough for me to be drunk or blackout... what time did I leave?"

"Around 11pm or so you wanted to leave, you were feeling tired and then Vishaal took you home. He texted me a little while later saying he dropped you off and that you went to sleep."

Ana bites her lip and looks down. Tears start to fall.

"Aana, you're scaring me... what's going on?"

She looks up at Rania and takes a deep breath. "Vishaal brutally raped me in the club that night and Akash helped him. He took me up to the BDSM part of the club and raped me in the vanilla room you showed me. He didn't take me home until much later than he said. When I woke up the next morning, I had no memory of what happened to me until he revealed what he did the following spring and since then he's been terrorizing me and last night going to the club and that room, triggered all those memories. I finally know what he did to me. Last night marked five years to the day."

Rania is silent for a few moments as her eyes go from Ana, to me to Karan and back to Ana.

"B-but... I... I..." Tears form in her eyes and she's at a complete loss of words..."He... n-nooo. I mean...this is my fault... fuck... " She buries her face in her hands and starts to sob hysterically. Ana jumps up and goes to hug her and it's almost too much to watch.

"I'm so sorry, Aana... so fucking sorry. I ... I..." She sobs and hugs her tight before pulling away. "When you said you were feeling tired, I offered to take you home but Raees has just come by after his shift to hang out with us and Vishaal insisted on taking you home. He told me to have fun with Raees... and I told him that it didn't matter, Raees hadn't had any drinks so we both could've dropped you home before I went back to his place but... you also told me to stay put and party. I should've tried harder... but... fuck... I didn't realize... I mean... he's our brother it never seemed suspect... Aana I am so sorry."

"It's not your fault. None of us knew. I'm serious Raniapa it's not your fault." She holds her face trying to calm her.

"Why didn't you tell us? We need to tell Nani, right now... " She looks back at Karan. "How long have you known?"

"Since your wedding." He says quietly.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" she bellows.

"Rania, I made him promise not to say or do anything and you have to promise me the same. Please."

"No, this is bullshit. Ana, I legally cannot keep this from KGI shareholders you know that right."

"I know but please... I have no proof, Rania. It will be my word against his."

"We'll find the proof."

"It will be all circumstantial.

"No, we need to tell Nani... come with me." She moves to get up.

"SIT THE FUCK DOWN RANIA. NO. WE ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING."

"WHY THE FUCK NOT?"

"Look, the will reading is set for October 2nd. Chances are that everything will be left to Alia and Nita. Don't you think Alia will do whatever she can to save her son? Even if AHAK pulls out of KGI, Vishaal and Kiran still win. You want AHAK to breakup over this as well and that's IF everything is proven. I am not going to be the root cause of all that fucking chaos. Once the will is read and the decisions have been made for everyone, I'm walking the fuck away from this family. I'm moving on. I am not coming back to San Francisco again. This wedding is my last appearance."

I see the shock and heartbreak on Rania's face."You don't mean that. You're going to leave us?"

"No, I mean... look you guys are always welcome in Seattle... but I can't come to family evetns anymore. I'm tired, I'm hanging by a thread."

Rania gets up and starts pacing the room. She pulls her phone out of her bag and makes a call.

"Benny, hi... I have a favor to ask. August 21st 2015, to August 22nd 2015, can you get me the front door code logins to the Presidio Terrace house. I need to verify something... okay thanks. I appreciate that."

"What are you doing?" Ana asks.

"If the fucking piece of shit used his own code to drop you home then we have something against him. At least the start of something."

"Rania, that won't prove anything. Please drop it."

"How the fuck am I supposed to drop it?"

"Listen to me, this happened to me. I get to choose what happens and when. So do me a favor, and fucking drop it."

They both stare at each other for what seems like hours till Rania tears her eyes away and I see the heartbreak etched on her face.

"I think Vishaal owns the club." Ana begins again.

"What makes you say that?" Rania asks.

"I asked Mistress Cyan how the club name came to be and she said that they owner named it after a woman he loves."

I run my hands through my hair trying to calm myself.

"Akash offered this place because our original venue closed down due to a carbon monoxide issue 2 days ago. The city came in and shut them down indefinitely... he said he knew a friend who had an in with a club and could get us a good deal. I had no time to look into it and just make the payment and had the wedding planner arrange everything else." Karan shares.

"Who got Ana the fake ID that night? She was only 19, you guys took an underage girl to a club."

Rania's eyes shoot up in surprise. "That has nothing to do with that happened. What, like you haven't done stuff like that? Go to bar or club with a fake ID? Vishaal and Kiran got that ID for her as a gag gift. We had a brunch the week before her going away party. Karan and Aashu were there too and we all gave her these college gag gifts."

"Christian... it's okay. " Ana says softly.

"No, you were underage and just coming out of your recovery." I snap.

"Christian. Fake ID's are the norm." Ana spits out. "Please, just... " she shakes her head.

We are all silent for a few moments.

"Where does the name Saphir come from?" I ask.

Rania and Ana exchange a look and Ana gives Rania a slight nod.

"Vishaal used to say that her name should've been Anastasia Saphir Steele because of her eyes and all us cousins were putting the gag gifts together, he took point on the fake ID. We all have a running joke about our stripper names. Saphir was a better option than Sapphire."

"What's the name of the LLC you made out the check to for the club?" I look at Karan hoping we can get a lead.

He takes out his phone and goes through it. "ARSVAK, LLC."

Ana looks at me. "Anastasia Rose Steele Vishaal Abdul Kapadia..."

It starts to dawn on me. Saphirars – Saphir Anastasia Rose Steele

SARVAK – Steele Anastasia Rose Vishaal Abdul Kapadia. Elena was going into business with them to open that BDSM club.

"The club is opening a new location in Seattle." Rania muses.

"How do you know?" Ana asks.

"Mistress Cyan told me. She said the announcement would go out this coming week. Opening day is... " Her eyes shoot up to Ana. "Your birthday is the opening day."

Ana and I exchange a look. _Hell, fuck no._

I'll have that shit burned to the ground before they even try.

* * *

**A/N:** This chapter marks the end of Aashu's wedding. Next Chapter we're back in Seattle and we'll see how this weekend will really affect their relationship.

**Music**

How deep is your love - calvin harris

Blowers Daughter - Damien Rice.


	70. Chapter 70

To the reviewer who pointed out that this story was all angst, you're right. I didn't intend it but it turned out that way so i've changed the genre. This is a short chapter. Will reading begins in chapter 73. Till then wer're out here in angst and cliffhanger valley, BYOB. For those of you who have stopped reading, sayonara, i get it - it happens... still this is free entertainment for you so, chill.

_Chapter song: Drowing - Banks_

* * *

**Chapter 70 – I'm the one who had to learn how to build a heart made of armor**

_A few days later: Thursday, August 26__th__, 2020_

**CPOV**

"Christian?" Flynn called out to me again for the second time since I had arrived at his office. I booked a two-hour session for this evening. I felt myself unraveling more than ever before. "You've been here for almost 30 minutes and you've barely said a word. At this point I've heard more from the candy wrappers you've been picking at."

I take a deep breath, leaning forward, elbows supported by my knees as I try not to rip my hair out. "John, I can't cope with this. I can't look at her, touch her or be around her without wanting to rip my own skin off."

"Christian, guilt is a powerful emotion; both motivating and unfortunately often paralyzing. Shame on the other hand, that's something you're lumping in with your guilt and it's toxic. It does more harm than good."

"She needed me, John and I walked away. I knew something was amiss but I let Elena talk me out of it.".

"Talk to me about that... take the emotion out of it for a second and tell me exactly how everything happened."

* * *

_FLASHBACK_

_Friday August 21st, 2015_

"_I'll be right back." Elena purrs as she walks away to use the restrooms. It's only 11:30pm, still a little early for the BDSM crowd to show up. I sit at the bar and order a drink when I out of my periphery I notice the same girl from the dance floor along with the man she danced with. The walk across the length of the room mostly empty room, I see she's wearing a purple band. Submissive and taken, of course she is. As they pass I hear them speak in another language. Her voice is soft and she smells of Chanel No.5 when she passes me. Once they reach the floor to length windows that look out on the San Francisco skyline, they talk a little bit and soon he kisses her hair, she looks up at him with a smile and nods before he walks away to the corridor that leads to the private rooms._

_She turns and looks around the room with a curious eye till it lands on me. I smirk at her and she gives me a tight smile before turning back to look out the window._

_Are you playing with me? No harm in talking, I think to myself. Thought I'd cane my own sub into next week if she ever entertained a conversation with another Dom but I'm intrigued enough to explore this. No going back now. I get up and walk in her direction and stand next to her while still keeping a distance._

"_Do you come here often?" I ask before taking a sip of my drink._

"_First time." She says in an almost a whisper. Is that a European accent? I can't tell if it's British or not, the music is a little too loud and shitty for my liking._

"_Not from around here then?"_

_She keeps her eyes fixed on the view and slowly shakes her head. _

_Now that she's closer in proximity I can see her better, well, as much as one can, given the ornate mask she's wearing. She looks young, almost like a teenager but that can't be. It's probably just her size. Her skin is flawless and her hair is literal perfection, those breasts are what any grown man dreams about... The ambient dark blue lighting isn't helping out much and only adding to the mystery of who she is. She's someone else's sub, for Christ's sake. I'd text Phoebe right now that the contract is over and convince her to break it off with her Dom then take this girl into one of the rooms here to flog and fuck her tight little body. _

"_How long have you been with your current Dom?"_

"_I'm sorry?" She shakes her head slightly confused at the question. Suddenly, I find myself impatient and pissed off at her lack of enthusiasm in this conversation._

"_I asked a fairly simple question." I say with a little more tersely. Where the fuck is your control, Grey?_

"_I... don't..."_

_Before she can answer the man she came in calls her from a distance._

"_Saphir... let's go." There's an edge to his voice. I look at him and I know he's pissed seeing me stand next to her. I would be too... I don't blame him. _

"_Have a nice night." She says with a sincere smile not really looking at me before turning to walk in his direction where he smiles before he drapes his arm over her shoulder walking into the corridor again._

_So she's not a typical sub, or he's just a Dom who isn't a strict asshole who shows affection unlike me. In either case, he's one lucky son of a bitch. _

_Being jealous of another Dom's sub. This is a new and foreign feeling. _

_Perhaps I wouldn't feel that way if Elena did her fucking job._

_Just then Elena shows up and we head down the same corridor to check out the private rooms. At the end of the long hallway, I see Saphir and her Dom enter the last room._

_After briefly observing scenes through the voyeur mirrors of two the rooms, I was bored and walked out telling Elena she had 20 more minutes to check out the remainder of the rooms before I ditched her here._

_I go to the bar to get another drink and pretty soon realize that it's close to the 20 minute time limit I gave Elena. I walk down the hallway again towards the last door where I saw Saphir enter, and see Elena stepping as the sound of a woman screaming for help comes blaring through the speakers of the tiny room adjacent to the main room door._

"_What the fuck is happening in there?"_

"_Oh nothing, just a good ol' fantasy rape scene. This is apparently their vanilla room where they carry out all the taboo fantasies. Daddy daughter, rape... all that good stuff."_

"_Elena, don't be fucking crass."_

_She rolls her eyes. "Come off it Christian, it's just a scene." _

"_Elena, that didn't sound right." _

"_Christian, what the hell is wrong with you? She's being a good sub by fulfilling her Dom's wishes. Honestly, I trained you to be better than this. You're losing your edge."_

"_No I'm not... but that in there didn't sound right." Even in a scene, I've never seen or heard anyone scream that way._

"_Really, willing to stake your reputation to go in and interrupt? You know the rules, never interfere with another Dom's scene or come in between their relationship. Again, it's scene... if she couldn't take it, she'd safeword or whatever but she's quite resilient and feisty. Needed two men to hold her down, made the scene more exciting if you ask me. I could've done better though." Elena smirks. _

"_Fine, whatever. I'm leaving. You can get your own fucking ride out of here."_

"_No, I'm coming with you. That scene was invigorating. It's a pity, you're already in contract and so hell bent on being monogamous... we could've had some fun here like old times."_

"_Fuck off, Elena. You need medication for your delusions." I growl and walk off. Whatever, I don't need any unnecessary drama in my life._

_Maybe Elena was right and I was losing my edge and reading too much into a situation that was really nothing. Who could blame me? She was providing me with lackluster subs who were constant disappointments. When I got back to my hotel room that night I finally found sleep after two hours only to wake up after another nightmare of the pimp beating me and the crack-whore except this time, I could hear Saphir screaming instead. _

_I need to talk to Flynn about this._

_FLASHBACK ENDS_

* * *

"Christian, you made a decision based on the information that was available to you at the time. You were in a BDSM club where different scenes of such a nature are an occurrence."

"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? IT WAS ANA..."

"Yes, now we know it was Ana but at the time she was a woman who you believed was a sub who was with her Dom except now we know he was her rapist."

I get up and start to pace the room, gripping my hair.

"What made you want to take listen to Elena and take her word for it?"

"She questioned my ability as a Dom... I guess on some deep level it was to please her since anytime she'd try to question me or make it seem like I was weak by saying that I was about to lose it, it would reinforce that false resolve that I was in control and not weak."

"She manipulated you at every turn in your personal life. Yes, you were a grown man who could make his own decisions but again, given the situation you were in and your mental conditioning... being in that environment you took her word as gospel and left. The feelings of guilt that followed still had a form of detachment since you didn't see it happening and also, you moved with your life. Elena's rationalization sufficed for you as it had many times before in other situations."

"It doesn't absolve me from what I did. I walked away from someone who was in need and deep down I realized it then that something was off but my ego won in the end."

"That is true except now, you can truly make amends and in a way you have. You loved her and cared for her even before you knew all of this. Apologize to her but Christian, I will tell you, this has the potential to set her back. She's been doing well in therapy but with recent revelations... I would urge you to be very careful with this confession. Perhaps we should have a joint therapy session so we can help her should she regress."

"She'll leave me John." Anyone in their right mind would. I don't deserve her.

"Right now, this is eating you up. It is poisoning your relationship because you're avoiding her in what is a traumatic time in her life. She just got back memories of her abuse... she's in a fragile state and still holding up... but Christian, if you keep avoiding her... it can have serious consequences on her mental health. By your own admission she will not ask you for attention so my advice, don't push her too far. If you choose to tell her, then yes there it is likely she will want space or run but given what happened before, you need to be the one to tell her before she finds out from another source... it possible she could find out from someone else?"

I shake my head. "I didn't even think about that. We all wore masks that night... I don't know if Elena and Vishaal even put together the connection of that night."

"This is your truth, choose to do with it what you will. Guilt is a healthy emotion and being with Ana you've grown emotionally, you are a now more empathetic man. Being with her has taught you things you weren't able to learn while under Elena's influence... but this emotion is only healthy when something positive can be done about it. Holding on to it causes more damage. Sincerely apologize and then let nature take its course."

* * *

_A few days later: Sunday, August 30__th__, 2020_

I tried taking Flynn's advice but I couldn't bring myself to be around Ana. I did whatever I could to spend more time at the office or hole myself up in the study. On Friday, I told Andrea to clear my schedule and I took an impromptu trip to Portland to check on progress of the Farming Division I had been donating to for years. I didn't even tell her. I just left and sent a text after I got there. I came back late after Ana had fallen asleep and then woke up before her in the morning and spent most of the day on the Grace thinking.

This truth I was hiding was eating me up inside and the only outlet was to internally make peace with it, which I never could or tell her and watch her leave me.

Throughout the week she's tried to initiate conversation with me or get me to have dinner and I've shut her down at every turn with the excuse of having too much work to do given that were away for most of August. Each time I declined she gave me a sad smile and wished me luck with work. It fucking killed me to do that but then by the third day she stopped. I guess she got the message.

AS: I know you're busy, but I made dinner. It just need to be warmed up whenever you feel hungry.

I check the time and it's 10pm. Fuck. I need to tell her.

I walk to our room and find her working on her laptop on her side of the bed, looking at the screen intently.

"Ana, can we talk?" I ask her and she startles and giggles a little.

"Yeah, sorry... I was kind of lost reading this application."

I walk over to her side of the bed and she hurriedly closes up her laptop and puts it away.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah... I just needed to talk to you about something."

I can see the apprehension on her face but she gives me a tight smile and urges me to continue.

"I know I've been distant this past week... I..."

"Are you breaking up with me? Is all this been too much? Just tell me." She blurts out with tears in her eyes. "I would understand, I really would..."

_Fuck, is that what she really thinks? Fuck._

"No... not at all. Please don't think that... I've just been dealing with something I found out myself and... it's been... I've been trying to find a way to tell you."

"Okay... then just tell me."

I look down at her hands and focus on her engagement ring because I can't look her in the eye.

"Please promise me you won't hate me after this." I try to hide the strain in my voice but it burns my throat.

"Just tell me Christian."

I tell her everything from that night. How I saw her dancing, to briefly speaking with her and then hearing her scream. She doesn't say a word. I look at her face and her eyes are fixed on the mattress and her face is of pure shock.

Minutes pass by and she doesn't say anything. I'm honestly afraid to touch her right now for risk of setting her off.

Suddenly she brings her hands to her face and runs them slowly through her hair as if she's trying to process everything I've just told her and then she speaks in a chilling calm.

"How long have you known?" she asks.

"Since the moment you showed me your fake ID at the club."

"I don't remember talking to you."

"It was very brief... you barely replied, you seemed lost in thought."

She stays silent for a few more minutes before speaking again.

"So... you mean to tell me that you heard a woman who... fuck that fact that it was me, you heard a woman screaming for help and that you chose you walk away. You had an inkling that something bad was happening and you walked away. Am I getting that right? Your action in this situation was inaction."

"Ana, I am so sorry. Please forgive me... I was... I don't... it was the environment we were in, I couldn't tell if it was real."

She leans back against the headrest and looks around the room as if she were searching for her next words but she doesn't say anything. Minutes pass by and she remains silent.

"Ana... please say something. Hit me, yell at me... say whatever you want to say... please..." I beg her.

She looks at me and speaks in utter defeat. "But it doesn't matter Christian. What I had to say didn't matter back then and it doesn't matter now. My choices were taken from me. I wasn't considered worthy by someone who claimed to love me or by a stranger on a basic human level."

"No it does matter... please forgive me."

"I want to go to sleep now. Please leave me alone." She says distractedly and turns to lie down on the bed and stare out the window.

**APOV**

For the past seven years I've felt like I was stuck in a water cave of sorts, desperately trying to get out. Every time it felt like the tide was low and I felt confident enough to swim out to find the shore, it'd come rushing back in and I'd struggle to stay afloat trying to keep my head above water. _Don't let yourself drown, fight. Fight_. I'd tell myself. Except now, the tide has come in at full force and I am tired.

I thought I had come up with the worst case scenarios regarding that night but what Christian just told me is beyond anything I could have imagined. The man that chose to walk away was the man that I ended up falling in love with.

I spent all of this week walking on eggshells around him. Trying to appear strong. He barely touched me. Not even a hug or a kiss to my forehead and I didn't say anything. Flynn told me it was okay to ask for attention from Christian but I put it off saying that I understood that he was busy which I truly do but even in his busiest of times when Ros was away, he always would take time out for me. Even if it was 10 minutes or taking a bath. Just a small slice of time for us to be with each other.

He'd come to bed after I'd fallen asleep and be gone before I woke up. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was wrapped around me like a vine. It was the only affection I felt from him since I came back from Seattle.

I was surprisingly calm when talking to Flynn about what happened at Aashu's wedding. The initial shock of finding out was traumatic but then... I felt this odd sense of calm. I finally knew what happened to me. I was angry but I still felt this dark sense of calm. I couldn't explain it. Or maybe I was still in denial. I don't know. It hurt more than Christian was distant. I can't explain it.

And now, to hear that he was there that night. That he hard me scream and beg for help... but walked away.

I don't know if I can handle that.

_FLASHBACK_

_Monday, August 24__th__, 2015_

"_Alright Steele, remember the security protocol measures we talked about for college before I left for New York?"_

"_Yes sir."_

"_Good. Anytime you feel sick, or unsafe and that you need to get out... you text me the words 'Code X' and I will get you out of wherever you are. I promise you."_

"_I'm going to be fine Benny, I promise."_

"_Don't give me that. You're like my own kid, I'll always worry."_

_I silently nod trying to keep my tears at bay. _

"_I'll miss you Benz."_

"_I'll miss you too, Annie. Remember, I'm always here for you."_

"_I know."_

_He hugs me tight and I wince from the pain of the marks on my back._

"_Are you okay?"_

"_Yeah, sorry... it's my hip acting up again I think. Didn't have much water to drink today."_

"_You need to be careful about that."_

_I nod and give him a smile. I give Nani and Nita once last hug trying not to cry like a baby. They get in the car and drive away. I turn around to make the painful journey back to my dorm room, praying for some salvation from the horror of what has happened to me._

_FLASHBACK ENDS_

I sit up and grab my phone opening the message box to Benny. I type in the words Code X and watch the cursor blink and then stare at the send button.

How would I even get out of here? He would never let me go.

I put the phone back and lie back down to the stare at the window wondering how to stay afloat through this new storm.

* * *

**A/N:** I wanted to explore the idea of inaction vs action. It's something i've always thought about in addition to the guilt we can sometimes feel and how toxic it is. I really feel for Christian, I understand his point of view but I also get Ana's. It's such a complex situation to be in when so often we can suppress our inner conscious. it's so prevalent in the times we live in today given what we're going through. It's been weighing heavily on my mind as I look at my own family with a critical eye in regards to the abuse my cousin Rania suffered and just in general when it comes to scoiety.

Anyway, feel free to review or not, I honestly don't mind. For those of you who have stuck it out to the very end, I appreciate it more than you'll know.

I am working to complete this story so I can fcous on my other one. I think we'll ending this entire saga minus the outtakes by chapter 75...


	71. Chapter 71

I am BLOWN away by your responses and theories. And I am humbled. Thank you so freaking much for still sticking with this.

* * *

**Chapter 71 – this isn't my home.**

_The next morning: Monday, August 31__st__, 2020_

**CPOV**

I stayed in my study till about 2am after my conversation with Ana. When I walked back to our room I half expected to not see her sleeping in our bed but there she was. I was almost certain she would've gone to her room instead to be far away from me. After memorial day weekend, during a joint therapy session she had promised to not withdraw herself and run to her room at the first sign of conflict and since then we had fought here and there but it never lasted more than a few hours or day. Seeing her still laying in our bed gave me some hope.

In the morning I decided to let her sleep in and stay home but while having breakfast she walked out dressed for work.

She insisted on making her own breakfast and sat next to me while she ate it, checking her phone through out. Apparently she woke up early morning and made cookies as well. Again, it wasn't something out of the ordinary but given everything last night, I didn't expect her to act so normal.

I wanted to hear her voice even though I had actively avoided her all week. Still, being near her like this was a respite.

"Ana, you don't have to go into work today... take some time off." I say after battling with myself on how to start a conversation with her.

"No, it's okay. I need to finalize the winners of the stem cell research grant. I'm almost done with them." She replies drinking the last of her tea then hops off and takes her dishes to the sink much to Gail's protest.

Once I'm done with my own breakfast, I walk back to our room and find her in the bathroom singing and putting a ribbon in her hair

_She's missing Ray. _I try to push the thought away.

"Hannah, can take care of the applications, you really don't have to go."

My sudden appearance startles her and she takes a few moments before answering.

"I'd prefer to go. You don't have to worry about me." She says quietly.

"Of course, I worry about..." before I can finish the sentence she looks back in my direction and the look in her face stops me dead in my tracks.

"Please stop... it's... I just want to go to work."

I don't push her any further and we ride to GEH in silence complete silence.

"Taylor, please drop me in front." She asks as we near GEH. It's an odd request but I don't think too much of it.

"Oh, you don't have to come with me." She says. "I need to stop at 18th before I go to my office , so you can head on through the garage." She says, closing the door before I can I reply.

I still get out but she has a good head start on me and gets into one of the elevators that close before I get to it.

She's avoiding me. I guess I deserve that.

According to our calendar we're supposed to have lunch at the Met Grill but Andrea tells me that Hannah sent her an email cancelling it saying Ana was busy.

I deserve that too. I cancelled lunch on her thrice last week. Each time, I had Andrea do it. I revoked access to my office. She's never just waltzed in and always asked Andrea before coming by or would text me but Andrea told me she came by twice last week and that she turned her away saying that I was in a conference call or in one case, outright lied to her on my instruction that I was out of the building. Still, she did small things like leaving with Andrea a small treat for my afternoon coffee from the new French bakery that opened near GEH. She knows I like their pain au chocolat so she got me one with a small note that read

_A little coffee treat to help sweeten your afternoon :)_

_Love you,_

_A_

Here I was, wanting back in.

I had arranged for a Fazioli grand piano to be sent for Aria along with a tutor who was an understudy at the SF Philharmonic. Rania called me mid week freaking out and sent a video of Aria screaming with joy saying thank you over and over again. It warmed my heart and distracted me from my current dilemma for a few minutes.

I asked her about the log in codes that Mr. Benoit sent her, which showed the first entry into the Presidio Terrace house on Saturday morning at 2:53am with Vishaal's code being punched in, and the door opened again at 4:18am. Which confirmed what Ana said about what he did after he brought her home... but there weren't any cameras in the house. The camera outside the door shows him carrying her in and then leaving but it was still circumstantial. Seeing the video ripped my heart into a million pieces all over again. She was almost lifeless in his arms.

I meet with Welch to get an update on the new club SARVAK is bankrolling. We delayed the opening by having it vandalized, which set them back at least a month. Welch was able to get one of the inspector's assigned to the project at the building department to see things our way and revoke their certificate of occupancy including greasing the right palms to further a delay in their liquor license.

Leila and Phoebe never made it back to the hotel that night. They disappeared into thin air again. Which was fine by me. It didn't help that Phoebe had no living relatives. Leila has two half brothers who she hasn't spoken to in years and a mother who barely had any monetary assets except for a house that had 10 more years on the mortgage and a car that was in its second year of it's lease. Not much to take away.

Taylor, Welch and I are in the middle of discussing the latest in regards to all assets under Saphirars, SARVAK and ARSVAK. I know I signed an NDA and agreed to back off but I don't fucking care anymore.

I see Taylor pick up his phone and his jaw tenses before his eyes dart up to me.

"Sir, that was Sawyer... it's about Miss Steele..."

**APOV**

I get to my office and Hannah follows me as we get our start to the day. I do my best to get as much done as I can. I narrowed all the stem cell grant applications to the final 10 that were going to receive the money and told Hannah to send out the emails by the end of this week. I wanted all these people to have a good Friday night and weekend with this news. There were some compelling studies and I couldn't wait to see how funding from GEH was going to help in the advancement of these ideas.

"Hey Ana, I'm going off to get lunch, can I get you anything? Girls date?"

"No thanks love, you go. I'm going to stick around here. Need to finish up a few last minute things before I head out for the day." I tell her with a smile. She nods and heads out.

She's been my rock these past two months. We have a similar work ethic and it's been great navigating these new waters in philanthropy. She's had some great ideas and has taken the lead on some projects herself.

It's a little after lunchtime when I get a text message on my phone. I grab my phone and wallet, leaving behind my bag since I won't need it along with a small envelope and place it on Hannah's desk leaving a post it note that read

_Hannah,_

_Please deliver to Andrea as soon as you see this. I won't be in for the rest of the week._

_Thank you, _

_Ana_

I call Sawyer and let him know that I'm just heading down to talk to Jim from front desk and deliver him a special batch of cookies. I get a sad face and jealous face emoji back. It's his fault, he's the one who asked me to stop making him cookies cause the gut was coming out.

I take the elevator down and take deep breaths. I run into James from Accounting on the elevator and he shows me a picture and a quick video of his baby girls who are growing at the speed of light at this rate. We both exit the elevator and he walks out of the building to get a coffee from starbucks next door while I walk to the reception to meet with Jim and catch up with him for a little bit after giving him a special box of cookies. I get another text on my phone and excuse myself. I look at the front doors. I'm exactly 37 steps from the front door. I take a deep breath and walk as quickly as I can trying to not draw any suspicion to myself. I'm almost out the door when my phone rings and it's Sawyer. I cancel the call and run across the plaza into one of the two waiting SUV's.

"Took you long enough." I hear a growl from the front seat as we drive off. I look back and see Sawyer on the phone as he runs on to the street looking in our direction as we drive away.

"Sorry, I had to make it look as normal as I could."

"Do you need your phone?"

"No, everything is on the cloud. I've memorized the numbers I could absolutely need." Christian starts calling me. I don't want to talk to him. I cancel the incoming calls but he's relentless. "He's calling me non stop."

"Give me your phone." I pass it to the front. It vibrates one more time. He answers the call and sets it to speaker.

"Ana, what are you doing?" Christian's voice comes through.

"Mr. Grey, this Mr. Benoit speaking."

"Mr. Benoit, please put Anastasia on the phone, now." His icy cold CEO persona comes through.

"Miss Steele is not available at the moment.""

"Bullshit, put her on the phone."

"Mr. Grey, Miss Steele is now under my protection. Please do not send anyone after her or I will personally blow their brains out. Thank you and goodbye." He ends the call just Christian starts to yell into the phone.

I look out the window and take a deep breath trying not to cry.

"Annie, did he hurt you?"

"Not in the way you're thinking..." I mumble.

"You can tell me you know that right."

"I know... I just need Mama right now."

"She's waiting for you. Just a little while longer till you're home. All arrangements have been made."

"Thanks Benny. I owe you."

"I'll take a pan of brownies." He laughs and for the first time since last week I feel lighter.

"I got you. Also, who else knows?"

"Mrs. Karim and Rania are the only ones. Unless Grey calls anyone else."

"He won't call anyone. Kate knows and she'll also keep this to herself." He nods and hands me a burner phone and secure laptop to use should I need to.

We get to Sea-Tac and I get out of the car to make get on the final mode of transport that will get me closer to my intended destination.

Once we land, there's a car waiting for me. Benny drives me to the house and I feel myself trembling as I walk through the front door. I open it and see Mama standing. I run to her into her embrace, crying. I let it all out. She just holds me and tells me it'll all be alright and she's there for me.

After I've calmed down, we got into the kitchen and make tea and walk into the backyard.

"What happened Aanu?"

I take a sip of my tea. "Mama, there's a lot that I need to tell you. A lot that I've kept from you and I've now reached the end of my rope." I look at her and she holds her hand out for me to hold.

"Is it about Christian, has he hurt you?"

I shake my head. "Not in the way you're thinking... it's complicated. What I'm about to tell you is long and heartbreaking and... please know how sorry I am. I'm just not strong enough anymore to endure this any longer."

She nods and tells me to continue. I start from the beginning. I tell her about Vishaal and what he did to me that night. The months before when lost it after the college acceptance letters. His constant terrorizing over these past five years. How Kate helped me. Christian's past. Everything. I tell her _everything._

She quietly listens. Tears fall from her eyes and she holds me afterwards, kissing my forehead.

"Why didn't you tell me Aanu?" She asks with a broken voice as she wipes her eyes.

"I was scared. I thought at first no one would believe me since I had no proof. Then, with everything you had been through in your life, I didn't want to tear the family apart. I wanted to protect everyone and the business."

"I would've believed you Aana. No matter what... it's not your job to protect me. So what if I'd been through hardship... I would've navigated this too. You're my daughter. You asked me to be your mother, so now let me be your mother."

"I'm sorry... I just... for the longest time, I didn't feel worthy. Vishaal terrorized me so much that I believed it."

"You're priceless, meri jaan. You have no idea." She says with a smile and pulls in for a hug. "You've brought such joy into our lives... but I feel like I've failed you." She whispers the last words.

"You haven't... you've been a wonderful mother. I just always thought that because Carla didn't want her own flesh and blood that it'd be easy to cast me aside since we weren't related but... I realize I was wrong. Looking at Christian's family and going to therapy helped me realize that. I was going to tell you after the Will was read and then walk away but given what happened last night, I just... I panicked and I'm so tired now mama. I'm so tried."

"I know meri jaan. Look, you've had a really long day. Let's eat some dinner. We'll watch Three Coins in the Fountain and then go to bed. We can talk about this more tomorrow. Right now, you need to rest." She puts her hand on my cheek and smiles back at me.

I nod with a smile. "I'd really like that. It'll be like old times."

**CPOV**

"WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?" I scream at Sawyer.

"Sir, she texted me saying she was going down to give a box of cookies to Jim and that she would be right up. She talked to him for a few minutes and the immediately started walking towards the door. I got up and ran down the fire stairs to the street but the SUV's had already pulled out by then and were half way down the block."

"Welch, get me a motherfucking trace on her phone."

"Sir, they're on their way to Sea-Tac." He responds while looking at his laptop. "We have Reynolds tailing them. He's about 10 minutes behind them."

I can't believe she ran. She fucking ran. How did she fucking pull this off?

I lean on the ledge of my office window and count back from 50. I turn around and ask Welch to show me the CCTV footage. I watch her in the elevator talk to James, she laughs as she looks at his phone and then she walks off the elevator and talks to Jim. She walks casually towards the door till she looks down on her phone and then she runs across the plaza across the street as two SUV's from across the street make a U-turn to park in front of GEH to pick her up and quickly drive off..

FUCK.

I'll give it to her. She did well.

CG: Ana, please talk to me.

CG: Why are you running, we can work through this.

CG: Please, Ana.

"I want you to monitor her financials and keep a live trace on her phone. I want to know where she is at all times. Hire the best coverts and I want eyes on her. I don't give a shit about Benoit said."

"Yes sir." Welch and Taylor nod in unison before I dismiss them.

I walk out right behind them when I see Hannah handing Andrea a package. She's startled when she sees me and takes it from Andrea to hand it to me.

"Umm, Mr. Grey. Miss Steele left this for you on my desk while I had a meeting with PR. I apologize for the delay."

I snatch it from her hands and dismiss her. She retreats and I walk back into my office to open it.

It's her ring and note. I feel my heart fall into my stomach. Fuck, I knew it.

_Christian,_

_You need someone who knows how to forgive and I don't know how to do that. I'm too weak._

_A_

In a last ditch effort, I call Nita, Nani and Rania a few times but they don't pick up.

The kicker is, I don't blame her. I bury my face in my hands and try to retrace the steps from this morning. Anything that could help me understand what happened... and then it hits me. The song she was singing in the bathroom.

_Oh mon amour,_

_You know you're not the one, who can make me stay_

_Oh no, no._

_This isn't my home._

I get up and walk out to go into Ana's office.

"Hannah, follow me." She stands immediately and follows me into Ana's office. "Please tell me what Miss Steele said to you today. Did she mention anything out of the ordinary?"

"No sir... I mean, she said she was heading out for the day before I left for lunch and then when I came back from my meeting she left a post-it note on the package I gave you saying she would work from home this week. She even sent me an email with things she wanted me to take care of in her absence."

"I see. Thank you, you may leave."

"Yes sir." She turns around and walks out. I look at Ana's desk and it's pristine. I notice her bag on the chair and go through it.

She left everything. Only took her wallet and phone.

Three hours later Welch tells me Ana's phone still hasn't come back online. Where the fuck is she?

I asked for report of all the AHAK jets excluding the one that just landed at SFO. One is grounded at Teterboro, and the third landed in Hong Kong last night with Vishaal I assume. At least the fucker is not anywhere near her.

On my way home I call Elliot to ask if he's home and if I can stop by. He's confused by request since I rarely ever go to his place but takes it stride.

"Hey bro, did you bring any booze?" he grins and gives me a hug.

"This isn't that kind of visit, Lelliot." I mumble. "Is Kate here?"

"Yeah, she's taking a shower. She'll be out. What's up?"

I take a seat on the kitchen barstool as he hands me a beer.

"Ana left me today."

"What do you mean, she left you?"

"She's gone, Lelliot. I... need to talk to Kate."

"Christian, what happened?"

"I really need to talk to Kate." He nods and we mull around in relative silence. My brain has only one focus. I can't talk about anything else.

Kate comes out of the room and I can tell by her expression she wasn't expecting to see me in her kitchen.

"Christian."

"Kate, I'm guessing you know."

"Know what?"

"Don't play games with me. Just tell me what you know." I snap.

"That's the thing, Christian. I don't know anything yet. All I know is that my best friend pulled a code X which means she longer felt safe. So tell me Christian, tell me what DO YOU know because all I know is that you haven't given her the time of day this past week." She seethes.

_Fuck._

"What is a Code X?"

"It's her security protocol at AHAK under Nani's personal security. Should she ever feel like she needs to get out or feel unsafe, she sends a text to Mr. Benoit and he gets her out. No matter where she is."

"She didn't tell me about that."

"She probably didn't think she'd ever use it now that she was with you. I didn't know about it till her Spring semester with the first incident of when she walked into oncoming traffic. Mr. Benoit briefed me during that visit with Nita and Nani. So tell me Christian, what made her feel like she needed to get out or unsafe?"

I look away.

"Where is she Kate?"

"She's safe Christian."

"I need to know exactly where she is."

"You'll find out eventually. Isn't that what you pay your top notch security for?" She spits out.

I run a hand through my hair. I need to know now... I close my eyes and count to 10 and look back at them.

"I told her something last night and I thought... she was relatively calm after my confession and even this morning she was fairly normal and then she just ran out of GEH this afternoon into an SUV that was waiting for her."

"What did you confess?" Elliot asks.

I look at them both standing across from me on the other side of the island, looking at me with expectant eyes. I take a deep breath and tell them everything I told Ana. When I finish they both look at me stunned. Elliot is completely silent. Kate opens her mouth a few times to speak but can't find her words. She immediately turns around and places her hands on the counter and I hear a sob escape her.

Elliot rubs her back till she calms herself down and she turns back around to address me.

"She wanted to pull a Code X over the holidays when the BDSM stuff came out. She was going to text Mr. Benoit from the hospital in a panic. She felt so out of control. He would've made it happen even though he was in India but I convinced her not to. I promised her I would be with her every step of the way. I told her you were a good guy that you just made a mistake. I told her you would never hurt her like that. That your family knew about her and that this was a serious thing for you. I convinced her to stay. Then when the shit at the dock happened, I almost called him myself but Ana stopped me... she said she could work through this and that she just needed some time and promised me she'd continue therapy."

I swallow and stare and the random items in front of me on the island because I'm not longer able to look them in the eye.

"I want to believe you're still a good guy but all I can see right now is the girl I met that day on campus. The girl that I bathed and cried for when I saw how badly her body had been beaten. The girl who screamed every night for weeks because she could barely sleep. The girl who lost so much weight because she couldn't eat proper food. The girl who has lived in so much fear for the past five years. You just came into her life Christian, you don't know some of the harrowing shit she's said or wished for herself. How fucking worthless she felt in the two years that followed. You should be so grateful that I'm pregnant right now because I don't know what I'd do to you if I wasn't." She says with a thick voice.

"Yeah, well what about the piece of shit who actually did this to her. Have you ever given him that speech?" I hiss at her.

"That piece of shit, is just that... _a piece of shit _who I wish I could strangle with my bare fucking hands. No use screaming at him because it would fall on deaf ears, Christian. You already know how complex that family situation is. But you, YOU'RE THE SUPPOSED GOOD GUY YET YOU WALKED AWAY. A WOMAN WAS BEING RAPED AND YOU ALL THOUGHT IT WAS A FUCKING SCENE... BUT YOU KNEW DEEP DOWN SOMETHING WAS OFF. THAT'S WHAT SEPARATED YOU FROM ALL OF THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE BUT YOU WALKED AWAY."

"Babe, don't... calm down." Elliot holds her hand. "Christian, let's go out for a drink. Kate... I want you to stay here and I'll be back in a bit." She reluctantly nods and turns to walk out of the kitchen but not before addressing me one last time.

"Tell me Christian, if it were Mia in Ana's place and Ethan in yours. What would've you have done?"

"I would've put him in the ground." I choke out.

She gives a sad smile as tears fall from her eyes. "Yet, in this hypothetical, Mia would still be luckier than Ana because she would've had a father and two brothers to fight for her... but you know what she's a girl of Steele and she's a fighter... she will get through this I know it because she's better than all of us combined. She always gets back up" Her words leave me reeling as she turns on her heel and walks towards the bedroom.

Elliot and I end up going sitting on his terrace with a bottle of scotch instead of going out.

"This is just an impossible situation."

"I know, Lelliot."

"She needs time. Anyone would need time."

I nod and sag back in the chair. "There were so many times over the years that we were in close proximity and I missed her. I always missed out on her and who she really was because I was so caught up in my own shit."

"What do you mean?"

I tell him about her being in the room at Harvard when Abdul Karim gave talk at that seminar, the club, when Kate came to give the interview, handing her diploma, how she almost came to coping together with Scooter. How she'd avoid me at GEH; that we were even in the elevator together one time and I never really saw her. I only truly saw her that day before thanksgiving. How Nani saw us happy in her dream while Ana was in a coma.

"That's insane Christian. The universe really does work in mysterious and fucked up ways..." he says in awe and equal sadness.

"Yeah, I know."

"Give her time Christian, she will come back." He looks to me.

"She left her ring, she said she doesn't know how to forgive."

"She's scared bro. I mean, she's probably going through all these what ifs in her mind. What if you had stepped in? Her family could have known, maybe the damage wouldn't have been so severe... I mean think about it. I get your side, I honestly do, but I get hers too. Your pain right now, is fresh and mostly emotional. Hers... it's been 5 years bro. Five years of fear, trying to heal physically and mentally. I mean, Kate has told me some stuff and I don't know how that girl is still alive with all that fear in her. I don't know how she has it in her to go on. It makes me never want to let my little girl leave the house when she grows up."

I take a deep breath and look up at the sky. "I know what you mean Lelliot."

"Where is she right now?"

"Her phone isn't live yet. Welch and Taylor are on it."

"Give her that space. She needs time. Take this time for yourself as well. We're here. Talk to mom and dad. Go to Flynn. You guys will get through this. You're not alone, Christian."

I want to believe in what he's saying. I really do.

When I get back to Escala, I'm unable to work or sleep. I sit at the piano and try to play something but everything seems hollow. We had an interior designer come in earlier in the summer and had the great room revamped. I've come back to home that's missing the main source of it's warmth. This entire place has memories of Ana everywhere. Memories of not just us, but of family, moments of us all laughing, playing games... my life was filled with comfort and sounds of happiness but now... I walk back into our room and come across the wall outside the walk-in closet. Ana started a small photo wall of pictures of us and place or adventures we'd go on. Even the simplest things of getting our weekly lunches. She'd print out small 2x3 images and created a grid of photos. There are pictures from Scooters wedding, Elliot and Kate's wedding, the week Aria spent with us, our first time on the Grace, a picture of us at the Golden Gate bridge. A picture of me holding Emilia for the first time. So much life but I no longer had access to the source of it.

I lost that right.

Suddenly my phone vibrates and it's a message from Welch. Ana's phone is now live. She's at the Presidio Terrace house. I call her a few times but she doesn't pick up.

CG: Ana, baby. Please talk to me.

Two more hours pass and I still don't hear from her.

**APOV**

I lie in my bed and hear the sound of rustling of trees come through the open window as I look up at the stars.

_You like your birthday present, Annie?_

_Yeah. I like my sky window._

_You'll never be alone as long as the stars are out and even when you can't see them, they're still there. The moon too. They're your friends at night._

_You promise, Daddy?_

_I promise, Luna. You're such a big girl now, I'm proud of you._

_Will you get me ice-cream cake tomorrow? You promised me when I'm 5 I would get the stars and ice-cream cake for my birthday._

_You never forget do you? Of course you'll get ice-cream cake. You ready for your birthday tomorrow._

_Yes sir._

I wipe my eyes as the memory lingers and I silently hope to see Dad in my dreams but he doesn't come to see me.

I switch on the laptop that Benny gave me and log on to spotify to play some music on low. The only thing that seems fitting at this time is hearing _amore mio aiutami – verison 2._ Dad listened to this a lot whenever Carla and him had an explosive fight. _Help me my love_. He'd silently work in on whatever he was making in his studio while this played and he'd be lost in thought. I knew it was sad at the time but never understood it. All I knew was that I hated seeing him sad.

* * *

_Two days later: Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020_

I hear Mama sorting through the kitchen as I sit in the lounge and go through the album of pictures. My mind drifts back to Christian but I quickly shut it down. _No, Ana. Stop it._

"Aanu, it's been two days. We need to talk."

I take a deep breath. "Can we talk this evening? I promise we will, I just... "

"We can talk this evening." She smiles and goes back into the kitchen.

I hear the front door knock. It can't be Tom, Benny's second in command. He left 10 minutes ago and he has a key. I grab the shotgun from under the stairs.

"Aanu, you're being silly." She scolds me from the hallway.

"Mama, please. I won't use it unless I have to." It's always just been a scare tactic anyway, It's still loaded though.

I look through the peephole and am and am met with the sight of a familiar pair of eyes. _Fuck..._

I place the shotgun on the floor behind the door before opening it fully and just then I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I look at the familiar pairs of eyes standing in front of me and set the phone to speaker.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING THERE?" Benny bellows.

"I'm about to ask." I say calmly.

"What are you doing here?" I ask my uninvited guests.

"I just want to talk. We come in peace." He says a little louder so that Benny can hear.

"Does he know?" I ask.

"No. Welch and Sawyer know but they'll keep your secret. We're using a burner phone and I used Gail's sister's card to rent a car."

"I don't like this Annie." Benny says and I roll my eyes.

"I'll be fine, Benny. I'll let you know when they leave."

He grumbles something unintelligible and hangs up. I step forward to give Taylor and Gail a hug and welcome them in while apologizing for Benny's outburst.

We take a seat in the living room and Mama asks if they'll take coffee or tea. Ever the gracious host that she is.

Once we have our beverages, Taylor is the first to address the elephant in the room.

"Ana, please understand that Christian tried looking for you after that night. We bribed one of the hostess's and got your full name, even hacked into the outdoor CCTV cameras around the area. We couldn't find you because it was a fake ID and the unmarked SUV."

"Jason, why are you telling me this? It doesn't change anything." I look away. _I don't want to hear this._

"I know it doesn't. I know Grey can come across as a heartless bastard but he was affected. He even tried to buy the club, offered twice the asking amount under a shell company just to find out who you were so we could check on you but the deal was finalized the night everything happened and the new owners wouldn't entertain our offer. He was a mess after coming back from Oakland. He was on edge for the weeks that followed and then when nothing came up we had to just accept that fact that it was just that, a scene. I'm sorry..." I know this is difficult for him too.

Mama holds my hand and gives it a light squeeze.

"Ana, Christian has always been a good man but he's become a better man ever since you came into his life." Gail starts. "We've been with him for the past 8 years now and in just a few short months with you has changed into the man we always knew he was but was too afraid to show to the people around him."

"Gail, I appreciate you both coming here and saying all these things in his defense but... it does not change the fact that this _good man_ chose to walk away. Him having a guilt trip later does nothing for me because the damage was done and it was severe." I look away and close my eyes trying to breath and remain calm. "He got to go back to his billionaire regressive lifestyle while I had to rebuild again. I was alone, Jason. I felt worthless, I wanted to die." I sob and Mama pulls me into a hug but I recover quickly.

"You're right and I am in no way belittling what happened to you. I promise you I am not but he is more than the mistake he made." Taylor says quietly.

"Would you feel the same way if it were Sophie in my place." I choke out.

He remains quiet for a few moments. "Ana, I have done some despicable things in my life. I've killed innocent people in the name of honor and country. I knew it was wrong but it was for duty above all and I walked away. These were people who were collateral that had families and bloodlines destroyed. These truths haunt me to this day but I have to go on, I have to be as good as I can be for my daughter and the woman I love. I can be a patriot and still be critical of the things I had to do in the name of protecting this country. It doesn't make what I did right at all."

"You can't compare my situation to what you did Jason... I mean, I understand what you are trying to say but you still put your life on the line in dangerous circumstances. You chose to go out there risking your own life in the process. War is... war is complicated."

"Still, doing the right thing requires courage. It's easy to hide behind the rules and the cause and ignore your gut instinct. Many a men have made mistakes like that. Especially those in service. All good people make mistakes, some graver than others it's not an excuse but a reality. The difference between the good and bad people are what you do after you realize you were in the wrong. Christian wants to make amends. He's wanted to do that ever since that night but he didn't know how because he was in limbo. Then you both met and when I found out about your trauma I thought... maybe this is a way he can find some peace and be the person who he really can be." He says.

Gail continues on after him. "Ana, Christian has been battling with demons every since we've known him. He's kept to himself but in the lonely hours of the night, they plagued him and then you came along and made everything better. That woman had his claws in him and she controlled him and kept him in this cycle of anger and emptiness and he was a resigned man who believed that's what he deserved. You could see it on his face. Jason would wake him up from his night terrors every other night. The man found peace with you, just like Jason said."

"You just want me to come back so you can go back to interrupted sleep, right?" I giggle and we all laugh. "Look, I understand what you're trying to say... I do but this new revelation, it's too much for me right now. I can't be in the same room with him." I chew on my bottom lip and try to stop myself from crying. "I'm going to need time."

They both nod. "By the way, that was a good job with the misdirect." Jason chuckles.

"How did you figure out where I really was?"

"I figured that you'd want to go home and this was the only place I ever head you call home outside of Seattle. That and we hacked into Mr. Pancakes CCTV to confirm." He gives me a slight shrug and cheeky grin making mama and I laugh.

"Thank you for not telling him. I'll be safe in Benny's care. Mama knows everything now too so I have more people in my corner." He gives me a smile and a slight nod. "Is he eating and sleeping?"

"He's hell on wheels that's for sure. The man can't function without you. He's barely slept and Andrea might quit by days end."

"She should. It might put him in his place... please make sure he eats. Call Grace if anything, she can help."

They both nod and we talk for a little while before they get up to leave. I give them a hug and tell them to take care of Christian.

The day passes on and soon it's time for sunset. Mama gives me a look and I know it's time to have the dreaded conversation I've been avoiding for the entirety I've been here. We take our seats on the chairs in the backyard and lay back looking at the sky, just like we used to do when Dad was alive.

"Aanu."

"Yeah."

"You need to stop running. You need to learn to forgive." She says softly and I feel her eyes on me but I avoid her gaze by keeping my gaze fixed upward.

I close my eyes and try to keep the tears at bay before opening them again to see the beautiful burning sky as the sun makes it's descent into night.

"I don't know how." I reply with a wavering voice. I don't think I'm capable of forgiving.

* * *

**A/N: **What did you all think? Talk to me. What are your thoughts on Jason and Gail's suprise visit?

Chapter 72 that's coming up next was really difficult for me to write. I had to read a lot and talk to a lot of my friends and family to get their perspective outside of a religious context on forgiveness which is something I've always struggled with believing in because i'm like it doesn't change jack shit. I can hold a grudge like nobody's business. I know, I need to learn othersie... maybe one day i'll understand. Who knows?

**Reds77**: loved your reviews. If you check the reviews for chapter 70 only, you will see that I replied to you there with long ass review myself haha.

**mommapurvis:** oh mama, it's about to get LIT... haha. it's only the beginning. Benny is going to have his moments where he shines in the next few chapters. haha.

**bandrocks**: HUG! I promise you friend, it's coming soon. P.S. my name is Nadia :)

**blueno:** Christmas in July? Pfft, i believe in christmas all year round, xo!

**everyone else**: just sending you all a big hug and cookies to help with the angsty vibes we living with out here in this fanfic universe.

**Music:**

Moi - Lolo Zouai

Amore mio aiutami – verison 2 - Piero Piccioni


	72. Chapter 72

_DAMN,_ you all have some thoughts. Love it and I agree, enough of the _martyrdom of Ana_. Enough of the running. Yes she went through a lot of trauma but she has to stop let that define her life. I was a little afraid to read all the reviews when I woke up this morning but was pleasantly surprised that it was more or less what I had envisioned for this chapter when I wrote it. By the way, I disagree with the notion that Ana doesn't love Christian... but that's a thesis for another day. Don't worry though, Ana is about to be called out on her shit. Also, to the one guest reviewer who said 'ana isn't pure.' which i'm assuming you're referring to because she was raped... those are some unwelcome puritan vibes! Love how a woman is considered unpure but a man is considered experienced. Just saying.

Thank you for your reviews and being so passionate about this version of Ana, even in your criticisms of her.

Some of the conversations in this chapter refer to revelations in chapter 29, chapter 39 and chapter 61.

p.s meri jaan means my love or my life in hindi.

* * *

**Chapter 72 – all my armor falling down**

_Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020_

**APOV**

"_You need to stop running. You need to learn to forgive." She says softly and I feel her eyes on me but I avoid her gaze by keeping my gaze fixed upward._

_I close my eyes and try to keep the tears at bay before opening them again to see the beautiful burning sky as the sun makes it's descent into night._

"_I don't know how." I reply with a wavering voice. I don't think I'm capable of forgiving._

"You need to learn how, Aanu. For your sake and Christian's."

"It doesn't change what happened, Mama. I don't understand this. What will forgiveness achieve? It will change nothing."

"Forgiveness isn't about changing the past Aana. It's about changing the future. You can choose to carry all this pain with you till the day you die but you will be alone with it. This is the obstacle in front of you. You know what lies on the other side. You can choose to climb it or walk around it to get there or you can choose to walk back in the direction where you came from and constantly wonder about what's on the other side."

I close my eyes and rub my face in frustration.

"Aanu, when my first husband did what he did to me, I carried that pain and suffering for years. I ran away from everyone after I recovered and did my Masters. That's how I ended up in Seattle and then in Montesano but then I met you and Ray and I wanted a life with you both. When I shared that with Ma, she told me one thing, she said if you want to be the wife and mother you dream of, you need to let go of the pain and suffering you've been carrying with you all these years. Leave it in the past... and that's what I did. I forgave my first husband. I had to do that so I could be the best version of myself for you both if I wanted to find peace."

She takes a few moments and begins again.

"Remember how I had to leave for a week before the wedding? I told you I had to travel to London to help Baba out with something?"

"Yeah... I remember."

"I went to see my ex-husband. Ray knew and he encouraged me to go. I had received countless letters from him asking for forgiveness. He served his prison term and had been rehabilitated and was 5 years sober by then. He lost his license to practice law but became an assistant at a legal aid equivalent organization to help women with domestic abuse. I had tea with him and when I saw him, he wasn't the same man. He was so beautiful when I first met him but in front of me stood a man who was haunted by what he did. He begged me for forgiveness and told me that he was working hard to change his life around and help women like me who had suffered at the hands of abusive husbands. You know this, my ex beat me and emotionally abused me and I let that abuse go on for fear of shame. What would people think I thought? Walking away from the marriage I thought would be a failure... so I stayed for a year and half till that one night he came home and beat me till I almost died and killed our unborn baby."

She sobs and I get up to sit next to her and hold her.

"I carried that pain Aana. I hated him for years and I was at a standstill. Therapy didn't help and I was bitter. Then I met you both. When I went to see my ex and he apologized, I could see the pain in his eyes, I knew he meant it and I forgave him and I left him and all that happened behind. Yes, I think about the child I lost and I think about the children I lost with Ray... but I still have you. I have my daughter." She holds my face and kisses my forehead and pulls me in for a hug.

"Does this mean you will one day ask me to forgive Vishaal as well because that's what's coming next right?"

"No. I would never ask you to forgive him because there is a world of difference between them both. One man made a mistake and wants to rectify it. The other wants to break you and it tears my heart to pieces that the child I helped raise like my own would do this my daughter... but Aana, if down the line you chose to forgive Vishaal, I would support you because it would be your decision but in this moment, I will ask you to forgive Christian."

I look away. "He walked away Mama."

"Yes. He did. He made a mistake and trust me Aana, he will live with it for the rest of his life but that is his cross to bear and it is a difficult one because he really loves you. Jason was right, he is more than the mistake he made. He made that one mistake but look how he has loved you in your time of need and how he has stood by you. Vishaal? He tortured you and has continued to do so. A good man knows when the mistake has been made and tries his best to make amends and apologize but Vishaal is not a good man." I hear the anguish in her words as she speaks the last of them.

"You need to stop running Aana, take it from someone who did what you are doing. You are the only one in your pain, it is lonely and trust me it is not worth it. You can move on from this, I will help you. Christian will help you but you have to want to. It is not your job to protect this family or me. We will figure it all out. I am with you every step of the way. I will not abandon you but we have to end all of this. Enough is enough, _meri jaan_."

I nod and wipe the tears from my eyes.

"Everything that I am saying to you right now is coming from a place of love. So please don't misunderstand but remember when you said you never wanted to be like Carla?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, Carla's only fault wasn't disloyalty it was running. You are running away from Christian. Yes, I know the circumstances are different, I know you are hurting, I know all of that but there is a world of difference. Christian didn't have bad intentions when he walked away. Vishaal did all this and continues to do all this with the sole intention of hurting you and breaking you. I wish I had seen the signs, I honestly thought nothing of it when you grew apart from him, I figured it was college... I'm so sorry Aana."

"No, Mama. You're right, it is my fault, I tried to keep everything normal. I just... I was scared. I didn't... I was just so scared I'd lose all of you. I felt like I was in debt and..." I shrug and try to fight back the new wave of tears. "I'd lost dad and I didn't want to lose you so... I'm sorry, I know it was stupid."

"No, I understand. Fear makes us to irrational things. It clouds our judgment. It's a complicated situation but Aana, please believe in the love that we have for you. Believe in Christian, he is a good man... he was manipulated just like you were."

I nod and lie back in her embrace again going over everything she said.

"Do you love him?"

"I do. I still love him, I always will but I am confused and afraid and... my life could've been different... I just..."

"The cold hard truth, Aanu is that thinking of what ifs is useless. Years will pass by in this dilemma and you will actively miss out on a fulfilling life you could live with him. This obstacle in front of you, you can choose to climb over it and continue walking the road towards happiness... you know what life with Christian will look like or you can turn around and walk in the direction you came from which is living in the purgatory of these last five years and live a life of fear and sadness and wasted potential because judging by what you've told me, Vishaal will not stop and now that I know everything, I am not going to let that happen."

I absorb everything she's trying to tell me, willing myself to understand.

"I want you to take some time and really think about what I've said. I know you are hurting but I also know that after everything you have overcome, you can get through this. You cannot let this break you Aana."

"I keep thinking about Dad. He would be so disappointed in me... he had so many dreams for me and I just... I fucked it all up."

"Darling, the biggest dream your dad had for you was to find happiness and I saw that dream realized every time I saw you with Christian. Aana, based on what you've told me, the man has overcome his fear of touch, he has seen the error of his ways with that woman and the lifestyle she manipulated him into... he wants children and a life that he didn't think he deserved. If your love can do that for him then why not let his love heal you and make amends for what happened? You both can move forward from this, I know you can... but it has to be you who wants this change and whenever you do choose to forgive, do it wholeheartedly and forgo holding what happened to you against him. I'm not asking you to forget, you will never will but I'm asking you actively make a choice to move on from the 'what if' train of thought. You are taking out your frustrations of the last few years on him. He made a passive decision that was ultimately wrong but he does not deserve the full brunt of anger that you have for Vishaal's aggressive behavior all these years. It's time we helped you put an end to all this. It's time you healed yourself and let yourself be happy."

I silently nod and promise her I'll think about it.

After dinner I go up to my room and pack up the last of my things for our flight to SF to meet Nani. I idly search for my phone only to realize that I gave it to Benny to take to SF. I stare at the burner phone battling internally of whether I should call Christian or not. I lie back down and look through the skylight dad built me. The stars shine and the moonlight pours through and I let the words of the song carry me.

_And he finds a home in me  
For what misfortune sows, he knows my touch will reap_

_And all my armor failing down in a pile at my feet  
And my winter giving way to warm, as I'm singing him to sleep  
All my armor falling down in a pile at my feet  
And my winter giving way to warm, as I'm singing him to sleep_

I close my eyes and look back on the day; Jason and Gail's visit. Mama taking me to Dad's grave much to my reluctance. She said, I have to stop avoiding it. It had been almost 7.5 years and it was time that I faced this reality. I just stood there numb. I cleared his headstone with my hands and placed the flowers we bought from the town florist. I silently poured my heart out, telling him how much I missed him and needed his guidance and how sorry I was to have made such a mess of my life.

_I find myself walking through the town absentmindedly when I find myself in front of Mr. Pancakes after bumping into a man._

"_Sorry." I mumble and look up to see it's Dad when the man turns around._

"_You're always in your head, Annie." He laughs and pulls me into a hug. I blink a few times trying to register where I am._

"_You came to see me?" I ask._

"_Well, more like you bumped into me but yeah, I came to see you. I've been waiting a while though... come let's go eat. I'm hungry."_

_We walk in and sit at our booth. The waitress takes our orders and Dad reads the morning paper. I just quietly stare at him. He looks so young, from when he and Nita first got together but I'm not so short anymore. I'm taller. _

"_I can feel you stare a hole through this paper and then into me, Private." He chuckles and puts the paper away._

_I look away unable to find my words and I feel the tears fall._

"_Remember what I said on one of my last visits? When I dropped you off in Seattle in Stella."_

_I shake my head. "No, I don't."_

"_I said, remember the promises you made in the now. The love you feel right now. That matters more than anything that's come before your time with him. "_

"_But.. dad..." I start but I'm unable to formulate the sentence._

"_What's the alternative Annie? I know you're hurt, I can feel it but you can you live with all this hurt till the end of time? What will that achieve? You'll be alone. You'll only reach a small fraction of your potential. You're a Steele, you can beat this. Forgiveness is not about being weak, it's about finally realizing you can't let the past hurt you and run your life. There is one person who is out to get you but look at all the people in your corner. Count them and remember what they've offered to do for you. That is your team. They'll always have your six, Private."_

"_I'm scared, Sargent."_

"_It's okay to be scared, it's natural but don't let that keep you from doing the right thing. Which is to stand for yourself and fight and be happy... you owe it yourself after all these years, Annie."_

* * *

_Thursday, September 3rd, 2020_

**CPOV**

"Sir, Taylor and Welch here to see you." Andrea announces through the intercom and I tell her to send them in.

"What do you have for me?"

"Sir, it's about Miss Steele." Welch begins. "Intel suggested that she boarded the AHAK jet from Sea-Tac on Monday afternoon and her phone was back online that night from the Presidio Terrace house. Since then no car has or member left the premises with the exception of Mrs. Raees visiting with her daughter on Tuesday evening and cooking staff along with security. However, the two CPOs we currently have assigned, tailed Mr. Benoit to SFO where he picked up three passengers from a charter flight that flew in from Sea-Tac this morning. Thomas Rafferty, a CPO from Mrs. Karim's personal security team along with Mrs. Steele and Miss Steele."

I close my eyes for a few seconds to keep myself from throwing something at them or out the window. "I'm sorry, are you trying to tell me she was in Seattle all this time? You told me she was in SF. Please explain this colossal fuck up to me."

"Sir, I believe it was a misdirect." Taylor responds. "We hacked into the CCTV footage of the pancake place Miss Steele likes back in Montesano and went through the footage. She was there on Tuesday afternoon with Mrs. Steele. It appears they've been at the Montesano house this entire time."

Of course, she ran to the place where she has no bad memories, where she feels the most safe. I didn't even think of that.

I dismiss them and Welch leaves but Taylor hangs back.

"Sir, may I speak freely?"

"Go ahead, Jason."

"She still loves you but she's scared and the fact that she ran to her mother is a good sign. Maybe she's finally told her everything?"

I sincerely hope so, though this could still not bode well for me if they all decide I'm the enemy too. "Thank you, Jason. I appreciate you saying all this."

He nods and gives me a tight smile. "Also, your mother is on her way."

"You could have led with that." I grumble. I'm not entirely ready to face Mom. I've been avoiding her, she called Tuesday morning and I gave her the basic highlights without telling her the real reason why Ana left and made up an excuse that I had to go to Portland for two days and wouldn't be back till today. I suspect she threatened Taylor to get information on me and now she's on her way in.

Thirty minutes later Grace walks through with a homemade lunch and a slice of chocolate cake. She's pulling out all the tricks to get me talk like she used to do when I was a kid.

"I've let you eat lunch and inhale that slice of cake in peace. Now you owe me some answers." She begins.

I rub my face not wanting to do this right now. "Mom... " I shake my head not knowing how to explain to her what I did.

"Son, you can tell me." She places her hand on my knee and gives it a light squeeze. "I won't judge."

I tell her about the night in question, how I tried finding her for the weeks that followed then eventually giving up after hitting a dead end. Ana's memories being triggered at her cousin's wedding and then finally revealing my own truth to her after a week of icing her out.

"Thank you for telling me, son." I hear the emotion in her voice. "It's days like this when I wish Elena was still alive so I could kill her myself for the damage she inflicted on you and now Ana."

"Mom... I don't know what to do." I choke out rubbing my eyes.

She pulls me in for a hug. "You made a mistake but you want to make it right, she'll realize that once the initial shock of all this wears off." She pulls away. "She's going through what you went through in a way. You ran away too, mentally that is. When the pain is too much, some seek refuge in their mind and some have to run far away. Nita has been talking to her and she will come around" She smiles at me as she holds my hand.

"You talked to Nita?" I look at her in surprise.

"Call it the mom hotline. Our babies are hurting... she called me last night, she wants Ana to be happy too."

"I don't know if I can face them."

"Well, you don't have to worry about that. If that were the case, then Nita would've threatened us already but she didn't. She realizes what the situation was. Ana doesn't hate you, son. It's just that sometimes, fear can be stronger than love when you've been manipulated and threatened multiple times. Just like yours was when it came to our love. We all heal differently, some take longer than others and it's not linear."

"I just want her to come back. I want her to forgive me... I'd do anything."

"She will come back, call it having insider information or a woman's intuition." She smiles.

"Nita said that? Please don't say this to make me feel better."

"She's helping Ana and given that she's finally opening up to her, I suspect that once both Nita and Aisha tag team, they'll help Ana see things differently."

"I hope you're right."

"Mom's usually are." She smiles. "I know with everything that happened it couldn't have been easy for you to tell Ana all that, knowing that she could possibly run but I'm still proud of you. You owned up to what happened, you didn't hide it from her. We all make mistakes. I missed what was happening to you right under my nose. So did Nita... one could argue that we both failed as parents and in reality we did and it's a truth we have to live with... but we're here for you now. We want you both healed and happy. Time and patience will help with that."

I rub my eyes to dispel the burning of tears and breathe to calm the emotion I'm feeling.

**APOV**

I'm sitting in the backyard drinking tea and eating oranges while Nani brushes and then eventually braids my hair. Mama went to check in at the office. Fortunately, Aila Khala and Uncle Rish are in Europe for their wedding anniversary trip while Vishaal is somewhere Asia. _Thank God._

"I thought you weren't going to run anymore." Nani starts as she finishes the last of the braid.

"I got scared." I mumble quietly.

"Scared of what, Aana? Did you think he was going to physically hurt you?" I can hear the disappointment in her voice.

"What is this, mama was good cop and now you're going to be bad cop?" I snap turning around to face her.

"It's not that and you know it. If you wanted to leave you should've faced him just as he faced you with an equally hard truth."

"Why are you on his side. He walked away...I know he didn't know me but it was still wrong."

"I am on both your sides." We stare at each other for a few moments before I tear my face away. She signals for me to come and lie with her on the couch and I do by placing my head in her lap as she strokes my hair.

"Forgiveness is the only way forward, Aana. If you really want happiness with him or in your life in general, then this is how you will achieve it."

I immediately sit up and look out across the backyard. "I'm just... I'm so angry... I..." I close my eyes and my hide my face in my hands.

"I'm going to tell you something." I look back at her and nod. "When you Nana had an affair and had a child with another woman, I wanted to kill him. I thought I would never forgive him even though I loved him so much but then I had to pull back and really look everything. After Aila, I give birth to two more children, both were boys. One died a few days after birth and the second died just before his first birthday. I was devastated Aana. I was lost in my own grief that I didn't realize that my husband was hurting too. I retreated from him and he sought refuge with someone else. One could say that he should've been steadfast but he was grieving the loss of his children too, he's human, it wasn't just my loss as a parent. Good people make bad decisions all the time. We often hurt the people we love. Sometimes, beyond repair. When your Nana confessed, I was even more heartbroken. I felt rejected. I felt like a failure and I took out my anger on him... but then my mother said something to me. She said, I could choose to walk away and only ever dream of the happiness I felt with him before, or I could choose to forgive him and realize my own shortcomings too and then continue to create a stronger relationship and be happy again. Is any of this making sense?"

I nod but my eyes are fixed on the grass.

"When he placed that baby girl in my arms, I forgot everything. I forgave him and we slowly moved on from that. I worked on myself too and we found happiness again... I decided that I loved him more than his mistake even though he would still apologize every now and then. I know my situation is very different from yours but what I want to ask you... is your love from him strong enough to move past this? Can you choose the happiness you've felt with him in these past few months over all that happened before he knew who you were, before he made the unfortunate decision." I remain silent for a few moments before she speaks again. "You don't have to answer now but I want you to think about it. You know what your life can look like with him and without him. Keep that in mind when you make your decision."

"Wait... you said he placed a baby girl in your arms... was this before Mama or after, I'm confused?"

She gives me a look with a sweet smile and it suddenly hits me. "Mama isn't your biological daughter? H-how.. I... mean... does she know?"

"Your Nana told her a few days before he died... but it honestly didn't matter. She was my daughter the moment he put her in my arms and between you and me, I prefer her over Alia most of the time." She giggles and I laugh.

"What happened to her mom?"

"She died in childbirth... it had been a really difficult pregnancy for her."

"She never told me..." I murmur.

"I know but she didn't want to make a big deal out of it. As far as she knew I was her mother and she was my daughter. I never intended to treat Nita or Alia different though, I suppose unconsciously I did favor Nita sometimes... she was just an easier child in comparison and easy to be around. Just like you are." She smiles.

We sit in comfortable silence for a while.

"Have you called Christian?"

I shake my head. "Not sure, what to say... given how I left."

"It appears you find yourself in a position to seek his forgiveness too."

"I suppose I do."

"We're not perfect Aana. Mistakes and fights build character but only if you stick around to let it build you. What happened to you was horrendous and it breaks my heart that I wasn't able to protect you, but Christian is not that man. He always had good in him, he's just been lost and with you he's found himself. Let him be your anchor too."

I nod and wipe the falling tears from my eyes. "I'm just so tried and... I hate feeling so broken and weak like this."

"If you keep listening to fear then you will feel like this often. Aana, look at me." I turn my face to her and I see tears in her eyes too. "You are meant for greater things, I've seen it. You can overcome this. So much happiness is in your future if you want it but none of us can make these decisions for you. We can only be there to help you, offer guidance and love you. Even with all this sadness there is a light in your eyes. Don't let it fade."

I crawl into her side and hug her tight.

* * *

_Friday, September 4th, 2020_

**CPOV**

The elevator opens and I walk to my office after an afternoon meeting with Barney. Before I can open my office doors, I hear Taylor call out to me. He follows me in.

"What is it Taylor?" I ask as I walk around to sit at my desk.

"Sir, we just got word... Mrs. Karim passed away an hour ago."

I look at him trying to register the words that have come out of his mouth.

* * *

**A/N: **Will reading begins at the end of Chapter 73. I love you all, don't kill me *throws a snicker in your direction to distract you*

**JT, Laura, Annalise, Reds77, bandrocks, mommapurvis, taino delsani13, ladyvalarie and literally everyone else:** I see you and I appreciate you!

**Music: **

Pale September - Fiona Apple


	73. Chapter 73

I am floored by the responses to the last chapter. I tried to write it with as much care as I could. Lots of tears and snot were expelled from my face. I try to excercie the same in this chapter. I hope you all agree with how AS and CG reunite. I try to give them a few sweet moments before sending them off into bombshell city again. I am guaranteeing a HEA with a chapter dedicated to their eventual wedding. So hang in tight. I love you all!

_Chapter song: __Dauðalogn__ – Sigur Ros_

* * *

**Chapter 73 – and now we break the dead calm**

_Two days later: Sunday, September 6th, 2020_

**CPOV**

I flew into SF, Friday evening. I've been unable to get a hold of Ana. Her phone has been off. All communication to the family is being routed through security. The first day was a complete lockdown as everyone rushed back from wherever they were to make it in time for the burial on Saturday morning. We drove out to the Muslim cemetery where the burial took place. It felt like a tsunami of people from the South Asian community had come to witness it. The men stood around the burial plot and prayed, holding their hands in supplication while the all the women stood at a slight distance and did the same. Everyone wore simple white eastern ensembles and the women adorned scarves that were loosely hanging off of their heads.

I felt out of my depth. I didn't know what was appropriate. Could I approach Ana here? Was it allowed? I sat and watched from the back of the SUV as she walked back holding Nita's hand. After most of the visitors left, the family poured water over Nani's grave and sprinkled rose petals and lit incense, praying one last time before walking back to their cars with and heads bowed and faces ashen. I wasn't sure if I could even comfort her even if I got the chance.

We didn't have much luck trying to secure a visitation time till Sunday afternoon. Given the influx of visitors, security had to limit the number of people visiting to offer their condolences in between prayers at the Scott House.

Ana's phone remained offline for the remainder of yesterday. She was staying in a suite on a fully booked out 5th floor by the family with limited access. I also suspected Mr. Benoit was deliberately keeping me from Ana at this point.

I arrive at the Scott Street house at my designated time of 12pm. Before I could reach the front door, Nita stepped out to greet me. I give her a hug and kiss on the cheek, offering my condolences.

"Thank you for coming, Christian. I hope you don't mind me meeting you out here instead. I'm about to lose my mind in there with everyone trying to talk to me, so the fresh air and sun is a nice change right now." She giggles. Even in sadness she speaks with a warmth that puts you at ease. I see where Ana gets it.

It's now or never. "Nita, I wanted to apologize for..." she stops me before I can complete my sentence and holds out her hand for me to take and gives it a light, reassuring squeeze.

"Don't, Christian. It was an unfortunate situation. Both Ma and I talked to Ana about this... she's been living with all this hurt and running on empty that it's finally catching up to her and she is unable to think straight in light of what recently happened. Still, I'm grateful for the patience and loyalty you've shown her. I promise you she's worth it." She says with a wavering voice.

"I know she is... I just wish she'd stop running." She looks away and nods. "How is she?"

"She's holding up but it's hard to tell with her, she's always trying to put on a brave face." She says wistfully. "How are you? How is the family?"

"They're all well, thank you for asking... I was hoping I could speak with Ana. Her phone has been off."

"Ana is actually not here. I'm keeping her away from certain individuals." She purses her lips. "You didn't hear this from me but she's at Ocean Beach with Aria right now... and ignore Mr. Benoit's disposition at this time. He's a perpetual grouch." She smiles and I thank her for the heads up.

**APOV**

I walk along the shoreline with Benny while Aria runs in front of us. We talk about anything but the obvious. It's been a hard 48 hours. A Hard week. A hard 7 years I think to myself.

"It's been years we came out here to talk like this." He muses and I'm snapped back to the present.

"Yeah... I never really stuck around long enough when I'd come to visit in college. I've missed it."

"Your mom still comes here a few times a week." he shares.

"You know, I see how you look at Nita. You can totally ask her out now. Aisha Hasan and Abdul Karim are out of the picture. You can sweep in and I'll play some Whitney Houston on the boombox." I look at him and he looks at me with murderous eyes that do nothing but make me giggle.

"I should throw you in the ocean." He growls.

"You should but you won't, cause you love me." I bat my eyes and he rolls his own with a groan.

"It's never gonna happen, Annie... "

"Never say never, Benoit." We walk over to the usual spot Mama and I always frequent to lay out a blanket while I take out snacks to feed Aria. My mind for a few moments drifts to the memory of the last time I was here with Christian on Memorial Day weekend.

"I don't think she'd even consider me. I mean, yeah we're close friends but she loved Ray... she's not looking to replace that and I don't want to take that away from her."

"Benny, you wouldn't be replacing Ray. Yes, she will always love him and her moving on is in no way insulting his memory. That love is separate and unique and what she'll have with you will be separate and unique as well. There's no comparison."

"I don't want you to think, I'm trying to take his place either." He quietly murmurs and I see the apprehension in his face.

"Benny, you wouldn't be taking his place. I already see you at a father figure. You were friends with him and if anything it's an honor to his memory. Ray will always be an important part of lives... you're thinking too much about this. Plus, I'm thinking about the money we can save... you know family discount." I giggle.

"Nice try but I'm asking for a raise." He grumbles with a smile. "I don't even know how to even broach that subject with her to be honest."

"I could help with that. I've been on her ass to get out there but she's so stubborn... and when I successfully convince her then you need to drop this Idris Elba crap cause true Idris Elba swagger doesn't require a wing woman."

He gives me a pointed look but I continue with my sass. "I don't even know why I try with you." His phone buzzes and he checks to see it. His jaw tenses and I ask what's wrong. He tells me, I'll find out eventually. I dismiss it without a second thought. My brain is too cluttered to think of anything sad and anxious at this point.

We continue with our conversations and I tell him about my recent philanthropic ventures at GEH along with some funny NICU stories of the babies I cuddle, while I continue to feed Aria as she plays with the sand just outside the confines of the blanket we're sitting on.

"Your boy really has a death wish doesn't he?" Benny looks over my head and grumbles. Aria looks up and gasps then screams _Christian Khalu_ and takes off running in his direction. I try to stop her but she's out of my reach.

I see him walking, eyes are fixed on me. Casually dressed in dark blue slacks and jacket with a light blue t-shirt. _He always looks good_ and now watching Aria run over to followed by him picking her up and kissing her cheek does an aggressive number on my ovaries. He's a ladies man at every age.

"Benny, please be nice." I turn back to look at him.

"It's been a while since I shot at something resembling the enemy."

"Benny, I will throw you in the ocean. Behave." I growl at him. "He is not the enemy, don't be silly."

"I'm just busting his chops... Ray would've been worse." He smirks.

He continues on to grumble something intelligible. A horrible habit that Mama Benoit wasn't able to smack out of him he tells me while he gets up and walks off in Christian's direction and says something to him not bothering to wait for his response as he walks on.

**CPOV **

Aria runs towards me at full speed and I pick her up. "Hi, Christian Khalu. You came to play with me?"

I kiss her cheek and she gives me a hug. "Yeah, Nita told me you and Aana Khala were here playing." She continues to giggle and I see Mr. Benoit walk in our direction.

"You have 20 minutes." He growls and continues to walk off.

Ana remains seated on the blanket with her back leaning on the rock formation as she looks at us both walk towards her. She's wearing jeans, chucks and hoodie. Something I've never seen her in and she looks so young. Her expression is unreadable but I can see she hasn't slept or eaten. I put Aria down on the blanket and take my seat next to her.

"Hey..." I start.

She looks at me and gives me a small smile. "Hey..."

We don't say anything for a few minutes. Her eyes remain fixed on Aria who is talking up a storm while she continues to play with toys and the sand.

"I'm sorry about Nani. I know how important she was to you."

She looks up to find the tide coming in. She takes a deep breath while she quietly nods and I see a new wave of tears in her eyes but they don't fall.

After a few more minutes, Aria gets up and asks to sit in Ana's lap to snuggle in for a nap. She takes off her hoodie and turns it around to drape the back of it on Aria, while putting her arms through it, making it look like a makeshift baby carrier.

I start to take off my own jacket to offer her but she declines saying that her arms are covered so she doesn't feel cold.

I see Aria peeking through her lashes and look at me while she snuggles against Ana's chest. I wink at her and she giggles which makes Ana smile and kiss her forehead.

"She kept asking about you. Rania's about to lose her mind with all the noise she makes with the piano."

"She'll get over it... eventually." I chuckle. She doesn't laugh but nods with a small smile.

We sit in silence for a little while. I can't tell if it's uncomfortable silence because she seems lost in thought.

"I told Nita everything." She says quietly. "She helped me understand something about myself." She turns her head to look at me. "I tried so hard to not be like Carla but in the end I did exactly what she did. I ran from those who loved me. Granted it was because of trauma but I still ran and for that, I hope you can forgive me too. I should've told you I needed time away instead of running the way I did but I wasn't thinking straight and for that I am sorry."

I move in closer to her and lean in for a small kiss. "As much as it hurt, I understood why you ran. I shouldn't have avoided you last week either. Flynn warned me against it, he told me you needed me but I didn't feel worthy enough to be near you or touch you. I felt so guilty, Ana and I still do. I would give anything and everything to go back to that night and help you."

She nods. "I know. It was just a tough situation back then... I was already on edge from getting back all my memories and then you being so distant under the guise of work which didn't make sense to me because even at your busiest you'd still hug me or kiss me, even if it was for a few minutes... but I felt so alone and I thought maybe it finally became too much for you. That's why I thought you were about to break up with me... and then to hear all that... I went from one extreme to another and all those feelings of pain, anger and worthlessness took a new form and I needed to get out." She chokes on her words and I pull her in for a hug.

"I'm sorry." I whisper.

"I'm sorry, too." I kiss her softly but before I try to deepen it we hear Aria interrupt our moment.

"You two are always kissing." Aria giggles making us all laugh while Ana aggressively cuddles and growls like a gremlin with her.

We get back to the hotel and I'm finally allowed access to the fifth floor into Ana's suite. She puts Aria down in the bedroom to continue her nap.

We take our seats on the couch in the balcony and look out at the view of downtown.

"Have you been sleeping and eating, it doesn't look like it."

"I can't bring myself to." She turns to look at me and plays with my stubble. "Going for a new look?"

I shrug. "You need to take care of yourself."

"You haven't been sleeping either." She says and it's a statement that rings true. The nightmares returned the moment she left. Different iterations of the pimp and crack-whore, the club and Ana screaming... a mess all around. "Some more things have been coming back to me. I think I remember seeing you that night." I try not to tense, I had hoped she'd never remember me.

"What exactly do you remember?" The thought makes me uncomfortable.

"Looking around the room and seeing someone wearing a simple black mask who smiled at me. White shirt and what looked like a black leather jacket standing at the bar." I slowly nod unable to look at her. "But I don't remember our conversation. I remember Vishaal telling me that he wanted me to show me the private part of the club because he was thinking of investing in it. It didn't seem out of the blue because he'd always discuss potential acquisitions with me and often I'd go with him to check out developments in SF or New York when I visited. I didn't realize it was for his private portfolio. I think I was also a bit buzzed from the drinks, it was my first official time having alcohol so no real tolerance but Flynn said that the brain is a complex and powerful organ that it had measures to block out traumatic events in order protect itself. I guess mine went overboard." She stares out into the distance with her knees pulled close to her chest and hands balled up and hiding in the sleeves of hoodie. We remain quiet for a while.

Flynn told me to just be there for Ana and hear her out should she need it; that grief from the death of a loved one manifested in different ways. Some people cried a lot, talked a lot and some chose to be alone and silently grieve. Being present as all I had to do but the need to do something was bothering me. I needed to do something to feel useful somehow. She was never going to ask me for anything, I knew that.

"What do you need Ana, tell me?" I ask.

A few moments pass and I wonder if she even heard me but before I can ask, she speaks. "I need her to come back." She murmurs in a thick voice. "I still need her guidance. I can't do this next part without her. I'm not strong enough."

"What do you mean?"

"I had a consultation with a lawyer on Friday morning to discuss my options, if I wanted to go forward with filing a suit against him." Her eyes remain fixed on the view, as if she were really a million miles away from here.

"What did they say?"

"He was honest. The evidence I have is circumstantial and he will plead not guilty and this will go to trial. I have no witness. The pictures I have with him from the beginning go against me. My emails to him go against me. Nani was in on that call too. It was just an initial discussion. I also asked about the possibility of using a pseudonym to protect my privacy because I don't want this to become a freak show. And that I would likely get a not guilty verdict."

"Ana, I can testify..."

"I don't want you to." She looks at me. "Can you imagine the questions they'll throw at you? They'll go digging into your past. Your image will be forever linked to the lifestyle... it'll hurt your business and it'll be a mess. I still have to think about all this but with everything that just happened..." she trails off looking back out again and wipes her tears.

"Ana, I don't care about all that. If it can help get a conviction then it's worth it."

"I'm not going to let you do that. These are preliminary conversations... I still want to talk to a few other lawyers just in case."

I pull her into my lap and she buries her face into my neck and violent sobs begin wrack her body. I rub her back and kiss her hair in attempt to try and console her because truth is I didn't know what to say. She has lost such an important figure in her life. A woman who was devoted to her well-being and gave her a world of love and life lessons. There was nothing anyone could say to make it better.

After a few minutes her breathing calms but shivers still run through her body and soon enough I see that she's fallen asleep. The clouds started to roll in and the temperature begins to drop, so I pick her up and tuck her into one of the available empty beds, wiping the tears off her face. She looks weak. I want to wake her up and force her to eat but I know she hasn't slept well either.

I reluctantly leave her and go to sit in the living area, deciding to watch the news. I must have dozed off because I feel a finger tapping my nose trying to wake me up. I open my eyes and see a pair of big brown eyes close to my face and then giggle.

"Wake up sweepyhead." Aria giggles.

I chuckle and sit up. She joins me on the couch and starts to ask me a series of questions.

"Where's Aana Khala?"

"She's sleeping."

"Oh... I'm hungry." She looks up at me.

How do I feed a kid? I can probably order room service. That should work.

"Do you like mac and cheese?"

"Yes."

"Pasta?"

"Yes."

"What else do you like?"

"I like, nuggets. Ice cream. Chocolate cake. Cotton candy, fries, lollipops, skittles..."

"Okay, I get the picture." I smirk at her. I call for room service, twenty minutes later the food arrives and we both settle in. I ordered something extra for later when Ana wakes up. She's only been asleep for 30 minutes so I'll let her nap for another hour.

Aria's face is lit up with excitement as I make her a plate. I know for a fact that Rania and Ana don't indulge her much and try to make her eat healthy. I ask her questions about her new piano and she babbles on not making much sense but she seems to really like her lessons. She eats in relative silence while watching some ridiculous show called Sophia the First. I find myself fully invested in it by the second episode. I go through some work emails and take a few calls while Aria binge watches her show. I start to see her fall asleep on the couch and ask if she wants to go sleep in bed.

"Can you read me my book, please?"

"Sure." I did this once when she was staying with us for a week. I cannot believe I've been sucked into babysitting duty alone. She keeps asking me to be animated because that's how her parents and Ana read the books but I don't do animation. Flynn would have a field day with this again. I read her a few books and then she kicks me out of the room telling me she's going to sleep. I can see how she's Rania's kid. _Always in control._ Makes me wonder if we were to have a daughter how she would run circles around me. The thought makes me smile and terrified at the same time.

It's almost 8pm and Ana's been asleep for about 4 hours now. I go to gently wake her up but she freaks out when I tell her the time and tries to jump out of bed.

"Fuck, I need to feed Aria and put her to bed."

"It's okay, I already did that."

"What do you mean?"

"We ordered room service and she ate like a horse. Watched some TV and I read her some books and tucked her into bed."

Ana stares at me like I'm speaking in a different language. "B-but... she always wants to cuddle before going to bed, did she brush her teeth... I need to give her bath..."

"Relax... no she didn't do any of those things, I think one night won't break the habit."

She looks a little confused but nods. "I guess that means you're ready for fatherhood." She giggles and then falls into a laughing fit... it makes me smile but I sense the lack of food is also getting to her. She's only eaten eggs from this morning. "Come here and put a baby in me." She laughs.

I lean into her for a kiss and slowly deepen it. She pulls me down to the bed with her as our bodies desperately try to reacquaint themselves with one another. She grabs on to my hair and wraps her legs around me. I roll my hips, grinding into her while I kiss her neck and let me hand crawl up the inside of her shirt to knead her breasts.

She softly moans my name over and over at the contact but I need more. I unzip her and sink two fingers into her, slowly driving her to the edge. "I need you to come for me baby..." I whisper in her ear and inhale her scent. She smells like roses, the ocean and Ana. _Home. _ I want to make her feel good and forget these past two weeks even for just a moment. She's almost at the brink and about to let go when we hear Aria croak through the baby monitor asking for Ana.

She giggles and pushes a button to tell her through the monitor that she's in the other bedroom.

"I think I'm going to take a rain check fatherhood, not keen on being interrupted." I grumble and she laughs, giving me a kiss.

"This is just a small preview into what life with kids will be like so yeah, we might want to wait a while." She says as I get up to adjust myself and sit on the bed.

"A year?" I ask.

"Yeah, I'm okay with that timeline."

"This has got to be the easiest deal I've ever made with you." I smirk.

"Don't be so dramatic. I'm a breeze."

"Sure. Keep telling yourself that." She rolls her eyes and I lightly smack her ass.

Aria comes walking through the room with her binky, sucking her thumb and climbs into bed with Ana, clinging to her like a monkey. "She needs her going to bed cuddles and lullabies." Ana laughs and helps Aria say a prayer and then sings to her while rubbing her back and starts to sing to her softly in Urdu.

"What are you singing?"

"I'm asking for the sleep fairies to come by and sprinkle sleep in her eyes and bring the moonlight and stars with them as well so she can lose her self in dreamland." She smiles.

* * *

"I'm glad you're eating, baby." I say.

"Sorry, I didn't realize how hungry I was... " She covers her mouth and giggles while eating the last bite of the chocolate cake.

"You need to take care of yourself."

"There wasn't any time, Christian. It's just been... " she looks down. "Aria was so upset. We all were. She was with me when I found Nani..."

"Wait, you found her?"

She nods. "Aria and I went to wake her up from her afternoon nap, like we usually do and she was... " she bites her bottom lip and a new waves of tears fall but she controls herself. "She was cold and... I kept begging her to wake up. I called Benny and he called the paramedics. Mama and Raniapa got home from the office as soon as they could. Aria got really scared and wouldn't stop crying... she's been having trouble sleeping too so I've been keeping her busy. Mama and Rania have been telling everyone that Aria and I don't feel well in order to keep me from you know who and people in general which means they're under a lot of stress to deal with visitors and making sure things run smoothly with everyone else. I spent the first day of mourning with them, so I should be okay..."

"I'm sorry... "

"It's okay... I guess everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't left, I wouldn't have gotten to spend time with her before she..." She shrugs and wipes her eyes.

There's a knock on the door and I got to check who it is. Mr. Benoit nods and walks in and takes a seat across from us.

"The Will reading has been set for Tuesday morning at 11:30pm at the Presidio Terrace house. You both are required to attend."

Ana looks at me. "Both of us? I mean... Christian and I aren't married yet, also I thought we had to wait till the third quarter."

"That's what the lawyer told me." He leans back on the chair and crosses his leg, eyeing me.

"Who else will be there?"

"Both Kapadia families, your mom, Rania and her siblings along with Raees. Anyone outside of this will be sent their share should they have any, via mail and conference call later on."

Ana nods and Mr. Benoit lets her know that Nita and Rania will be back in a while and leaves shortly after.

"He really doesn't like me."

"He doesn't like anyone. It's a personality trait." She deadpans.

"But he likes you."

"Correction, he loves me." She laughs. "He'll come around. He takes a while to warm up to new people."

"We've been together since Thanksgiving."

"He didn't give Daniel the time of day till about two years ago and Raees until Aria was born, so you might want to sit tight." She sasses and I roll my eyes.

"Come to my room, stay the night with me?" I pull her closer and she rests her head on my shoulder.

"I'd really like that but Aria has been having trouble sleeping and Mama and Aria have been dealing with all the funeral and visitor stuff, they're really tired by the end of it. I want to give them a break but tomorrow is the last day of mourning. You can stay here with me instead. I'll move Aria back to her bed. Mama and Rania are staying in the next rooms but they'll come by to say hi."

"I'll have Sawyer bring my things."

* * *

_Two days later: Tuesday, September 8th, 2020_

**CPOV**

I walk up to the front door of the Presidio Terrace house and security lets me through. I can see a hint of surprise on Kiran and Vishaal's faces when they see me walk in. I greet everyone and Karan walks with me into the dining room where a table has been setup with refreshments.

"How's Aana?" Judging by his warm greeting, I take it that no one outside of Nita and Nani know what really happened between Ana and myself and I'm grateful.

"She's doing better, she finally ate some food last night and slept but Aria's been having trouble."

"Poor kid, she can't really make sense of what happened."

I nod and we both drink our coffee and catch up.

"Ready for this shit show to begin?" he asks.

"I just want what's best for Ana."

He nods. "Same here." We see Rania walking towards us and she asks me to join her in the study upstairs. She closes the door and pulls out an envelope from her bag.

"Officially releasing you from the NDA, Nani made you sign a few months ago."

I swallow and nod. "Thank you." She smiles and nods and goes to leave. "Aren't you the least bit curious what she talked to me about?"

"I am but she always had her reasons for doing things. I've never questioned it. I trust her wisdom." She smiles wistfully. "Right now, I want to get this day over with so I can go back to focusing on how to put the rapist in jail."

Aria's babysitter was running late so Ana asked me to go on without her and that she would come in with Nita and Mr. Benoit. We all take our seats in the formal living room that's been set up to accommodate everyone in attendance. We all have assigned seating and I find that I'm sitting in a more peripheral location with Daniel and Raees while the more immediate family is sitting in closer together on either side of the coffee table set in the middle of the room.

At the front of the room there's a table set up for two lawyers sand their assistant. When I first walked in, one of the assistants had me sign an agreement confirming my attendance. It's 11:47 when Nita and Ana walk in. They verbally greet everyone, apologizing for being late and head to their assigned seating.

She's wearing a dark blue structured dress with her hair styled in her usual fashion and minimal makeup. I try to hide my annoyance when I see Vishaal look at her like she's his next meal as she takes her seat right across from with Nita. Her gaze remains fixed on the coffee table in front of her. Her face is tense and I can tell she's uncomfortable. We spoke earlier in the morning about her apprehension and Nita tried to calm her down that no matter what happened, we'd all figure it out.

Vishaal sits back and says something to Ana in Urdu. She looks at him but doesn't reply aside from giving him an impassive look.

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask that everyone please speak in English only for the duration of this meeting." The first lawyer interjects. He's an older gentleman in his 70's. His no bullshit tone is a welcome surprise.

"No problem, I was just asking Aana why she didn't wish me a happy birthday today." He smirks.

"Because you're a grown ass man in his 30's who can do without." Ana snaps back, earning a collective chuckle from the room with the exception of Kiran who sporting a permanent grimace. Vishaal gives me a look, with a smirk still plastered on his face and I pray to my better angels, if they exist, for some strength to not disfigure this asshole's face.

The first lawyer clears his throat and begins. "Thank you all for coming here today and signing the agreements confirming your attendance. My name is Jeremy Hawthorne joined by my associate Louis Guerin and assistant Sara Lewis. We are from Masterson & Hawthorne. We have been retained by Mr. & Mrs. Karim from the early 1970's to handle their personal estate in addition to the transfer of AHAK International to its new owners. While the reading of the Will was originally slated for October 2nd, 2020. however, with the sudden demise of Mrs. Karim, we are now hear today to transfer ownership to maintain decision making continuity.

We will begin with transfer of personal assets of Mr. & Mrs. Karim."

One by one, the names of the family members are called in no particular order. Each member was gifted a property and a trust fund of $20 million dollars. Ana's head remains bowed, looking at her clasped hands throughout.

"The Scott Street house along with a trust of $20 million dollars has been left to Anastasia Steele.". Ana's head whips up to the lawyer in what looks like surprise. The assistant gets up and hands her an envelope. She immediately opens up and reads a letter with a furrowed brow and then quickly shoves it into her bag and continues to look at the coffee table in front of her with a confused look on her face.

"The Presidio Terrace house along with a trust of $50 million dollars has been left to Noor Karim-Steele." Nita nods and I see Alia look at her in surprise since she too grew up in this house. I wonder why she wasn't left half of the house?

"Mr. Grey, Mrs. Karim left you this envelope." The assistant hands it to me and I thank her while the lawyer continues to read off the Will.

I open it immediately and it contains a deed to the resort where Kiran and Daniel got married. The letter is dated from a day before her death.

_September 3__rd__, 2020 _

_Dear Christian, _

_If you are reading this letter then the inevitable has happened. Don't worry, I'm still around in spirit, I have to keep an eye on things somehow. Please consider this an early wedding gift. This is the place where my Aana found her love and shone with a light I had been waiting to see since the accident. Thank you for loving her and keeping her safe. I know that she hasn't made it easy but sometimes when you have been hurt and running for so long, you forget how to be loved and stand still. She will need time but she will find her footing and you both will live the life you were meant to lead together. I have seen infinite happiness in your future together and I hope you trust this old lady's dreams. _

_Not that you asked for any but I leave you and Aana with this small piece of advice. Always remember to see the light in each other during the darkest of times. It will guide you out of the eye of the storm and bring you back home to safety. The journey may be long and tumultuous but as long as your partner is with you, anything can be achieved._

_I wish you both a long, happy and healthy life together full of happiness and love._

_Love,_

_Nani._

I fold the letter back and put it back in my jacket pocket trying to chase down the emotion I feel from the letter and incredibly thoughtful gift.

After all personal assets have been distributed, Mr. Hawthorne takes a moment to go through the documents he has in front of him, he looks a bit flustered and then puts them down to look at everyone in the room.

"**AHAK International is currently valued at $15.8 billion dollars at this time. This includes the 40% shares they have in KGI.**"

The room is dead silent. The lawyers voice is the only sound that cuts through. I can feel the tension radiating off of everyone every one. I look at Ana and her eyes are still fixed on the coffee table in front of her. Vishaal looks at her every now and then. The suspense is almost too much to handle.

Mr. Hawthorne reads off a few more facts till he gets to what we all have been waiting to hear but I keep my eyes on Ana through out.

"The entirety of AHAK International is to be transferred to Vishaal Kapadia and Kiran Kapadia."

There room remains silent, which I assume is from utter shock and I see Ana slowly close her eyes in utter defeat.

* * *

**A/N**: ARE YOU SCREAMING BECAUSE I AM SCREAMING. *hands everyone a xanax or three* It ain't over yet. Another bombshell waiting in Chapter 74. We living in bombshell city.

**gowildcats:** yaay you're back. thank you for your thoughtful comments. yes, the last chapter was incredibly therapeutic for me, especially when writing Nita and Ana's conversations. The chapter over all took a lot of out me to write. also sent you a PM.

**nikkistew2**: i've been meaning to give you a shout out. thank you for your reviews. vishaal's downfall is imminent. I know it may not look like it but I promise you it is.

**blueno:** haha your fiance is on our team now! victory!

**luvdisney2007:** welcome back boo! so happy you're caught up. thank you for sticking with me.

**reds77:** chapter 72 was payback for all the anxiety you've been giving me. LOL. I love it though, keep hitting me with the essays

**bandrocks, JT, taino delsani13 & and to all the other reviewers who are mourning nani:** BIG HUGS. I am here for you.


	74. Chapter 74

Remember when I said I might end this at Chapter 75. Yeah, not happening. I miscalculated cause I _TOTALLY_ forgot about this nugget. The meeting between CG and Nani from when she came to Seattle for a visit and decided to drop some bombshells. Till then, _YAY_ for more chapters, right?

A lot of you are freaking out about Nani giving Vishaal and Kiran AHAK, there's missing dialogue in the previous chapter and that's on purpose but will make sense in chapter 75. Also **GoWildCats** \- good catch about the lawyer being flustered!

Till then, I shall evil laugh and eat popcorn. muhaha. I know, I know, i'm signalling for right but end up turning left. I'm just having too much fun.

I wanted to take a moment to explain the family dynamic briefly in light of **Reds77** review (loved your essay and it had me laughing my ass off!). Rania is Nana's relative (his late sisters grand-daughter). Karan and Aashu are not directly related to Nana or Nani. They are Kiran and Vishaal's paternal cousins. However, due to the fact they all are in a similar age group and the close business relationship as well, they all grew up together and are close. All relationships are explained in Chapter 6 - Authors Note. Scroll at the bottom of that chapter and you'll read how everyone is related to each other.

AHAK doesn't own KGI, only 40% of their company. The structure of all that and how it came to be is explained in Chapter 59, when Karan discusses the Will with CG.

AHAK is not worth $0. It is very much worth $15.8 Billion.

_Chapter song: Judas - BANKS_

* * *

**Chapter 74 – in your mystique, your pretentiousness is fading**

_**Four and half months ago**__: __Saturday, April 18__th__, 2020_

**CPOV**

"Before we begin, we would like for you to sign this NDA Mr. Grey. Feel free to review it with Mr. Travis but I'm sure you'll find our terms reasonable. We want to make sure you're comfortable with this." Rania says as she hands two copies of the document. This is not the Rania who makes fun of Ana or teases me. She hasn't cracked a smile except for when Ana's name was mentioned. She has otherwise been completely stoic.

As I review it, I see that it's airtight but makes note to include that only GEH employees under security, legal and IT may only be privy to the information that is discussed in this meeting. I find the singled out departments and employees rather odd. I then see Flynn's name listed as well. I look up at Nani briefly and I can tell she knows what really caught my eye. She gives me a reassuring smile and a slight nod. Fuck, she's already surmised that I'm going to need to talk to Flynn. I briefly wonder how she knows this but then I remember that Ana has told her about her therapy with Flynn. Another interesting tidbit is the time limit on the NDA. It only lasts until the end of the 3rd quarter or until Rania has me sign another document rendering it null and void before then. Travis gives me a look but eventually signals me that it's okay to sign.

After the documents are signed, both Rania and Travis leave and just like that it's only Nani and myself in the room.

_You could slice the tension with a knife at this point._

"Mr. Grey, I think it would be prudent that we address each other formally for the duration of this meeting."

_Interesting_. I nod. "Understood." I pause for a moment. "May I ask, why not go with the honor code?"

"That was my husband's way of doing things. I'm different." She says simply.

"I see." She really is all business today. I find this a little unnerving. I need to channel all the control I've mastered in the last 15 years.

"In that case, the first thing on my agenda is that you stop surveillance on Vishaal."

_WHAT THE FUCK?_

"Excuse me?" I say slightly taken aback.

"I think I was pretty clear in my first statement."

Her tone is measured and her body language is relaxed. Her movements are fluid and graceful. She's in charge. I can't get a read on this woman. She's more of an enigma than her grand daughter. Ana may not be her flesh and blood but she is the emulation of her through and through.

I recover myself quickly. "No, you were... I just find your request rather odd given what he did to your grand daughter. Is Rania aware?"

"Rania only knows what I choose to share with her. She subscribes to the plausible deniability school of thought. As far as what Vishaal did to Aana, I am well aware but what you are doing is not going to bear any fruit."

"I find that hard to believe, Mrs. Karim" I feel my jaw tighten but work to quickly relax myself as I take a deep breath.

"Mr. Grey, what you have on him is circumstantial at best. As of now he's doing nothing illegal. I know you want to _'catch him'_ but you won't. Not by surveilling him."

"How can you be so sure?" I need to keep my temper at bay. I can't believe she can be so calm talking about this.

"I'm sure as death Mr. Grey." She gives me a pointed look and I feel my patience wearing thin.

"Is this a game to you all? Ana's well being? Because this is tearing her apart" I am fucking seething now.

She raises her voice slightly. "I am fully aware of what she is going through Mr. Grey but what you are doing will only instigate him further. He knows you're watching him."

I run my hands through my hair. This is fucking ridiculous.

Her voice softens a fraction. "I know you love her Mr. Grey and that you want to keep her safe..."

I interrupt her. "They only way I can keep her safe... is when he is locked up or in the ground Mrs. Karim. I don't know how you can be so calm and look him in the eye after knowing what he did."

"You cannot even begin to imagine what I'm going through Mr. Grey but I also believe in giving someone enough rope to hang themselves with. "

I scoff. "Let me guess, you want us to all sit pretty and wait for things to magically fall into place?"

"Yes."

"I can't do that."

"Mr. Grey, I want you to keep Aana safe because she is about to go through something difficult in the coming months."

It takes every ounce of my control to not react.

"How do you know this?"

She looks down and pauses for a few moments. "I know you don't believe in the Divine and that's perfectly alright but in my life my faith has served me well and brought me peace. I've rarely had dreams that I couldn't decipher... I've twice had a good dream about Aana and twice a bad dream. In both those instances I wasn't able to protect her and I do not want there to be a third time where I fail her." She says with a heavy voice.

"Her accident and her rape?"

"Yes. The second dream I had about her, I thought that maybe Rothstein might come after her so I had security assigned to her in college thinking maybe that's when he'd try something since she'd be so far from the family. Never in a million years did I think my own flesh and blood would be the cause of such pain and fear in her life... but I recently had another dream and that is why I've called this meeting."

"You seriously never knew?"

"No I did not. I could see that they had grown apart but I suspected it was she had just grown up, it happens, never in a million years would I have guessed it was... especially after everything she went through and what he did for her during recovery." She goes quiet.

"You think he will hurt her again."

"I don't know and I don't want to take any chances. All I know is that she will go through a great deal of difficulty, whether physically or mentally, that remains to be seen." She looks straight at me and I see the worry in her eyes.

I look down and rub my forehead. I feel my emotions start to spin out of control and I need to center myself.

"I understand that this is difficult for you... but I am asking you to just focus on keeping Aana safe and happy."

"Mrs. Karim, I'm trying to do my best."

"I know and I appreciate that. More than you know. Just keep what you're doing. She is truly happy with you."

"What you're asking me to do is..."

"You won't find anything on him Mr. Grey. In fact, you are or were more at risk of having something found out than he ever was."

_What the fuck?_

"What do you mean?"

She reaches to the seat next on her right and gives me a manila envelope.

"What's this?" I ask. I am not touching this shit.

"Your Hiroshima, Mr. Grey" she says stone-faced.

I swallow and open the envelope. It had some weight to it and my heart is beating so fast it might expire. I pull out the folder from inside and open it... what I see is my worst nightmare. It's photos of me in Elena's playroom from when I was younger. Blindfolded and gagged. I look like a kid. I was 15. I was a _child_. _How the fuck did I think this was okay? _In one picture my face is clearly visible as I'm lying on the bed being flogged. It's photos of me in my own playroom with a submissive as I fuck her from behind. Another one with a sub on her knees in front of me sucking me off. _This is so fucking embarrassing_. I can't even tell whom the fuck it is. There are more but I can't bring myself to look at them. _What the fuck? How is that even possible?_ I can clearly see that it's me. I look to see paperwork behind all the pictures, it's a DNA analysis on four people along with pictures but I'm immediately distracted when I recognize two of the names and I want the ground to swallow me whole.

I look at her but I can't read her expression. _FUCK._ This is worse than my worst nightmare right now. The grandmother of the woman I want to marry and spend the rest of my life the most incriminating shit on me.

_What the fuck do I say?_

"Mrs. Karim, are you blackmailing me?"

"Why blackmail someone when you can just put an end to the situation." She says impassively.

_I look away. What the fuck is happening right now?_

"Mr. Grey, your past is of no concern to me. My concern is your present and your future with my grand daughter." She says simply.

"How did you find these?" I am going to murder Welch and Taylor the second I get out of here.

"The moment I saw you look at Aana at wedding, I had a comprehensive and _invasive_ background check done on you. When the nature of your _only_ friendand_ 17 acquaintances _came to light... well, I did what any grandmother would have done. I took care of the more immediate problem. All this was recovered from Elena Lincoln's private air gapped laptop at her residence and her safety deposit box in the Cayman Islands. This was her insurance which she would've used eventually."

"How..." _FUCK_. I am fucking speechless. I knew she would've had something on me but when nothing was found at her home we assumed it was just my paranoia.

"I have been alive a very long time and I have friends in high places Mr. Grey. _Very high places_ and I rarely ever call in favors." If this was me in her shoes I'd be smug as shit but I don't detect a hint of malice from her. I almost hear compassion in her voice.

I can't look her in the eye. I've never been ashamed of the lifestyle just the way I practiced it or my intentions going in. I realize in this moment that this is a complex argument that I need to table. Instead, I know I'm embarrassed because I've now on the defensive.

"Did you know that Elena Lincoln was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer?"

_What? _

"No... I didn't." _What the hell? I guess that explains the cryptic letter._

"She refused treatment and chose to leave her estate to two of your acquaintances."

"Yes, I am aware of the latter." Although, I'm not entirely surprised she refused treatment. Her vanity wouldn't have allowed her.

"Both acquaintances are her blood relatives."

_No_. _Please don't. Fuck, no._ Of course Phoebe is related to her. _The visits to San Jose._ _Fuck me._ How could I have been so fucking stupid? But Leila? She's from the East Coast. _What the fuck is happening right now?_

I ask hesitantly "Is she her daughter? Are they both her daughters or..." _I will throw up my guts if it's true._

"No, her half-brother's daughters. It appears he too was quite... adventurous and unsafe."

_Thank you, God. I don't believe in you but I will thank you._

"She told me she was an only child and she had no family."

"Did you ever look into her Mr. Grey?"

I shake my head. I didn't. I never ran a background check on her. There was never a reason to. I was too young then when I grew older, the thought never crossed my mind. _She manipulated me. She fucking manipulated me. How could I be so fucking stupid?_ Even my submissives, the background check was standard. _I am such a fucking fool._

"Mr. Grey, Elena Lincoln as you know her was born Astrid Solomon to a broken family and neglectful parents in Mystic, Connecticut. She filed for emancipation when she was 16 and changed her name to Elena Newbury. She got involved in her extra circulars from quite a young age. Her older half brother, Bryce Weston on her mother's side seemed to be in the same circle. She moved out to San Jose and he supported her for a while till he was killed in a hit and run. After a couple of years she moved to Seattle and well... you know the rest."

_I cradle my head in my hands. Fuck me. She pimped out her own nieces to me and repeatedly tried to get me to take them back. They were the only two she'd repeatedly tried to convince me to reconsider... well, only Leila after Phoebe was institutionalized. I want to rip my insides out. _

"Another one of your acquaintances was quite instrumental in guiding us in the right direction when it came to Mrs. Lincoln."

I look at her completely dumbfounded, not entirely sure if I can handle another bomb.

"Miss Susannah Blake."

_Just shoot me. _

"How? She was trying to out me."

"Yes she was, again under the direction of Elena Lincoln. We were in the process of nipping that in the bud at Kavanagh Media but you beat us to it. She was desperate and I saw an opportunity to further and confirm my initial findings."

"Do I even want to know how you knew about the article that was going to come out?"

"Eamon Kavanagh owes me a few favors and he called me as a courtesy because he too sees Aana as a daughter and didn't want to see her hurt. He told me about one of the independent tabloid magazines in his portfolio that was thinking of running the story and the managing editor surprisingly had some foresight to run it by Eamon. It would've been bad business for him, both professionally and personally to show you in a bad light... but fortunately, Miss Blake recanted everything, however I had a better proposition for her."

"She informed for you?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"Well, we know a whole lot more about Mrs. Lincoln now. As soon as she told us that Miss Williams had confided in her about her relationship with Miss Richmond, it wasn't all that difficult after that. Mrs. Lincoln found out about Aana almost immediately after the wedding, how did that come to be, we have been unable to ascertain that as of yet. However, I assure you Mr. Grey, Miss Blake will no longer be a problem for you... ever."

_Fuck me. _So many questions are now racing through my mind. Before I can ask her another one she speaks again.

"You also might want to revisit the security of your servers at GEH."

My eyes widen further in alarm but I'm quickly overcome with seething anger and I bite back. "We have the best security Mrs. Karim."

"That very well may be, but you might want to keep your personal data in a more secure environment."

"Are you admitting to what I think you are?"

Her eyes soften and she gives me a small smile. "I'm giving you friendly industry advice. At AHAK we follow the same protocol. Personal data is completely separate from the business."

God dammit, I hate that I can't read her. Welch, Barney and Taylor are most definitely on my shit list right now. I look down at the envelope that could blow my life apart. Ana would never forgive me. She already hates the limelight... if she ever saw this shit... it would break her. She doesn't deserve any of this.

"These are the only copies. I assure you." She says in a tone that's reassuring, as if she could read my jarring thoughts and I am inclined to believe her. Her concern is ultimately Ana.

I swallow and nod looking down. "Thank you Mrs. Karim." That's all I can fucking say right now. _Thank you for handing my ass to me._

"I did not do this for a thank you Mr. Grey. I did this for Aana, her happiness is my primary objective and unfortunately, given everything, all this is a complicated web that needs to be untangled rather carefully. I cannot cut through it with a pair of scissors and wreak havoc."

_I am at a complete loss right now._

"Can you tell me about the good dreams you had about her?" I'm still looking down willing myself to focus and hoping hearing something good and innocent about Ana will keep all these feeling at bay.

I'm not looking at her but I can almost hear a smile when she starts to speak. "I was in my teens at finishing school when I first saw her. It wasn't Aana's face but the essence of a little girl with the most beautiful blue eyes looking back at me and she called me Nani. I looked for that girl my entire life. I thought maybe it would be Kiran when she was born then I thought maybe I'd meet her through Nita's children." She takes a few moments, I look up at her and I see her looking down wistfully before she begins again. "Then when Nita told me about Ray and Aana, I didn't think much of it till they both came to visit us for the first time in SF. Nita introduced her to me and had told her previously that she could address me as Nani. Aana held out her hand and greeted me, calling me Nani with her beautiful, piercing blue eyes. I searched for that moment for almost 65 years up until that point."

_It's always been her eyes_.

"The second time was when she was in a coma. I prayed for her day and night, begging God to give her the remainder of my years and health to bring her back to us." Her voice is now heavy and thick. "Then one night, I saw her happy and laughing, dancing while surrounded by friends and children of her own. I saw her with a man in need of healing who would love her just as much as she would love him."

I swallow and try to rid the lump forming in my throat. "You saw us."

"I saw the essence of who you are and who you two will become."

"She makes me a better man." I say looking up to her.

"You always have been a good man, you've just been a little lost, Mr. Grey. We all need a little help now and then to come back onto the right path." She gives me a small smile.

I look down and nod. _I need to know more. I need to get back on track now._

"Do you know what your husband's Will says? Will Ana be protected?"

_I need to know._

She smiles and nods. "**My husband was the sole proprietor of AHAK. Whatever decision he ultimately made about his business, I trust to be fair and wise. In fact I have no doubt that he made the right decision. I am only in a ceremonial role at this time. I just sign my name on the final deals till the company is transferred over. In the event that Aana is not left with anything, I will personally see to it that she is cared for and protected through **_**our personal estate **_**regardless of my husband's Will**. She is quite self-respecting and stubborn which I'm sure you already have figured out by now." She chuckles softly.

_Ana is guilty as sin on both those accounts. It infuriates me and makes me love her all at that same time._

I nod. "I appreciate that but my concern is that she not be tied to Kapadia siblings in any way and that Vishaal is completely out of her life."

"I understand that and I want that too. At this point, we have to wait to see what the Will reading reveals. Aana made me promise that I wouldn't do anything to Vishaal and I'm trying my best to adhere to that while also protecting her... as I said before we have to allow things to fall in place and that requires patience which I can tell is in short supply for you." I see a hint of a smile and I want to roll my eyes but I control the urge.

I nod. "Is that all?" _I need to get out of here. My mind is racing and I need to be in familiar territory before I explode._

"Yes, I believe so unless you have any other questions to ask?" I shake my head.

I stand and we both shake hands and agree to maintain normalcy in front of Ana in spite of this conversation. Though I have no idea how I'm going to do that this weekend. I turn around to walk out but before I reach the door, I hear her call out.

"By the way, don't you think it was poetic justice as to how she died? I thought the Seattle Nooz article would be a nice touch."

I feel my heart fall into my stomach as I look back and see a smile on her face.

_HOLY FUCK._

* * *

**A/N:** Who's mysterious and a BAWSE BITCH?

to the guest who wanted the verdict to be rolled back. I AM DYINGGGGGG. If your boyfriend was freaking out at you screaming, my sister almost had me committed for laughing like a lunatic.

**All the reviewers:** I wish we could all sit in a socially distanced circle and freak out together while eating good comfort food and iinhale drinks of choice. I love reading your reviews and really wish fanfiction had an option for me to publicly reply to your reviews like we can on facebook or twitter. sigh. Till then PM me if anything. MUCH LOVE.


	75. Chapter 75

Love how we're all Team Nani again. I think we need to get t-shirts made. **Gowildcats**: yes I wrote the last chapter when I initially wrote the Nita and Nani visit to Seattle chapter. I knew I was going to sprinkle and reference small pieces from the chapter in future chapters :) Glad you caught that.

**SavieT**: I appreciate you and your enthusiasm. It gives me life and stomach cramps from laughing.

**ennaid88**: special shoutout to you in this chapter! Your review for ch. 74 was on point. Everyone went so hard with the morality clause theory. haha.

**Luvdisney2007**. I hope it was some good liquor. haha *hug*

**Reds77**: It is my new mission to run circles around you. HAH! *hugs*

Now back to the Will reading. To which, I have to say... _O ye of little faith. _Truth be told this chapter was a little hard for me to write. I had to really channel a delusional creepy asshole so I watched a few episodes of _You_ on Netflix for mindet inspiration.

Here's what you all have been mostly waiting for. I'm spoiling y'all with fast updates this week. _YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME. Just remember how I always kept my promises to update every week and then spoiled you guys with multiple updates during the week._

_Chapter song: Gemini Feed - BANKS_

_(i' ve been angst writing to a whole lot of BANKS music. She gives me bawse bitch vibes)_

* * *

**Chapter 75 – admit it that you wanted me smaller.**

_**Present day: **__Tuesday, September 8th, 2020_

**CPOV**

_Mr. Hawthorne reads off a few more facts till he gets to what we all have been waiting to hear but I keep my eyes on Ana through out._

"_The entirety of AHAK International is to be transferred to Vishaal Kapadia and Kiran Kapadia."_

_There room remains silent, which I assume is from utter shock and I see Ana slowly close her eyes in utter defeat._

I hear a clap and my eyes dart to Vishaal who wearing a victorious smirk along with Kiran who looks pleased with the current announcement. "I guess it really is a happy birthday." Vishaal chuckles.

I see the second lawyer, Guerin whisper in Hawthorne's ear making him quickly shuffle the papers and he looks even more flustered and annoyed than before. Vishaal and Kiran stand and take a step towards the table the lawyers are sitting at but Hawthorne holds his hand out, signaling him to stop.

"Mr. Kapadia and Ms. Kapadia, please remain seated. We need a few more moments." He sounds annoyed and I look towards Ana again and she's now looking off to the side, lost in thought. The room is bristling with a nervous and almost dark energy. Rania looks tense. Karan is tapping his leg. The silence is deafening.

"Apologies, it appears I made a mistake." Hawthorne looks up. "I read off of page 76 instead of page 75. Fortunately Mr. Guerin here caught my mistake. The earlier announcement of the transfer of AHAK International to Vishaal Kapadia and Kiran Kapadia was made in error."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Vishaal seethes.

"You can't just backtrack." Kiran screeches.

"I can. Please remain silent while I continue to read the Will in the correct order." Hawthorne gives them a pointed look.

They retreat and they're fuming, radiating an aggressive energy that's put the entire room on a merciless edge. I look at Ana again and this time she's looking directly at the lawyers while Nita holds her hand interlocking her fingers.

Mr. Hawthorne takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes and looks up to address everyone in the room.

"For this part of the Will, Mr. & Mrs. Karim instructed that I speak candidly to explain a few things before I get to the transfer of AHAK International to it's intended new owners." He pauses to make sure everyone is listening.

Again, pin drop silence.

"As noted before, the first part of the Will reading was only for Mr. & Mrs. Karim's _combined personal assets_. This next part discusses will discuss Mr. Karim's and Mrs. Karim's separate Wills specifically."

I see a few people nod in agreement.

"In 1975, Mr. Karim transferred ownership of AHAK to Mrs. Karim, shortly after Mrs. Noor-Karim Steele was born. However, Mr. Karim retained decision-making authority till his death. The decision to wait till the third quarter was also his, barring Mrs. Karim's demise of course. Mrs. Karim drew up a preliminary Will that listed Vishaal Kapadia, Kiran Kapadia and Anastasia Steele as the co-owners of AHAK in 2014. That decision was amended again late last year. I received a very late night phone call from Mrs. Karim on November 29th, 2019. She asked me to draw up a new Will which she signed and finalized the following week."

"That was the night before my wedding." Kiran pipes up a little cheerily.

_Oh fuck, is this really going their way?_

"Ms. Kapadia, thank you for your input but again, I will ask you to remain silent till I'm done speaking" he gruffly replies. I hear Rania snort and then quickly cough to cover up the sound. We lock eyes and she shrugs. I try to stifle a smile myself.

Mr. Hawthorne puts his glasses on and picks up the folder to read off of a piece of paper.

"I, Aisha Hasan-Karim, leave my entire ownership of AHAK International, soon to be rebranded as AHAK-Steele International in it's entirety to Anastasia Rose Steele. Ownership will only be transferred and valid upon the signing of the appropriate document provided by my lawyers. Should Anastasia decide to forfeit her right to ownership, she will again have to sign the appropriate document stating that..." he turns the page. "the entirety of AHAK International is to be transferred to Vishaal Kapadia and Kiran Kapadia."

A collective gasp fills the room. I can literally hear my heart beat out of my chest. All eyes are on Ana who just stares at the lawyer.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Kiran screeches. Ana's head snaps back to Vishaal. They stare at each other for what seems like hours and it's an uncomfortable sight till Kiran screeches again. Vishaal is completely dumbfounded and watching Ana.

"No, you're not even blood." Kiran roars in Ana's direction. Ana looks back at her and then around the room. Our eyes lock and I give her a small reassuring smile and nod. I see the fear in her eyes. _Why is she afraid?_ She tears her eyes away from me and looks at Nita who smiles reassuringly at her but the look of shock remains. Rania, Karan and Aashu look visibly relaxed but still apprehensive.

It's been less than five minutes but it feels like it's been hours. Ana slowly stands up and shakily takes two steps towards the lawyer before stopping abruptly and takes a few moments. She turns to everyone around the room and speaks softly.

"With the exception of Vishaal, I need everyone to leave the room."

_WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING?_

"No, I'm staying. This is about the company, I should be a part of this conversation." Kiran spits out.

"Don't you trust your brother?" Ana retorts. "I have to talk to him about something else. I need everyone to leave. Please."

Kiran starts again. "No.. this is ridic..."

"LEAVE THE ROOM NOW." Ana shouts. Slowly everyone gets up and starts to walk out. She keeps her eyes fixed on the lawyer's table.

I deliberately leave last, willing Ana to look at me but she only does for a few seconds giving me a slight nod. I don't want to leave her here but I know that she feels safe enough to do this. We're all on the other side of the doors; he'd be stupid to try something. I walk out not entirely happy with this situation. Mr. Benoit closes the sliding doors and stands right in front of them and says something in his ear piece and then looks me straight in the eye.

"We have eyes in the room. She'll be fine." He says. I nod and walk back to the family room down the hall. I see Kiran talking to Daniel and walk out, I can't stand to be in the same fucking room with her and walk into the kitchen where I find Karan, Rania and Raees.

"Thoughts?" I ask, while I pick a grape off of Rania's plate.

"She better sign the document taking ownership of AHAK or I will fucking murder her myself." Rania growls shoving a piece of a croissant in her mouth.

"I'll help you hide the body." Karan offers.

"She likes to stress eat. Aana and Aria aren't the only gremlins in the family." Raees quips and Rania smacks his arm making us chuckle. "Honestly, this is the most exciting this family has even been." He gives us all a toothy grin.

**APOV**

As the lawyers get up to walk out I stop Mr. Hawthorne and take him to the side.

"Did anyone question clause number 11 in the attendance agreement?" I whisper.

His lips curl into a small smile. "Not a peep."

"And it will continue..."

"Mr. Benoit is in charge of all that." He intones.

I nod and he walks away. I look towards the threshold of the room and see Christian lingering as he tears his eyes from Vishaal who is looking at me. I give Christian a tight smile. He gives me a nod and walks out.

My heart is beating so fast I almost can't feel it. My blood is rushing through my ears and I feel a pain in my chest. I sit back on my chair and look straight at Vishaal who looks like he wants to break something.

"I don't want to tear this family apart." I begin. "I don't know how to run a billion dollar company."

He expression softens and he sits back. "I can teach you. We can do this together."

I look away. "I think you're misreading this entire situation, Vishaal."

"No, I'm not. Look, you want this family stay together and we can keep it that way. Ditch, Grey and come back Aana."

"I love him. He's asked me to marry him."

"Really, then why aren't you wearing his ring?" He cocks his head to the side.

"I'm having it resized."

He laughs. "I'm sure that's what it is."

I look away. "If you want AHAK, it's yours. Just leave me alone, please."

"No can do, Saphir." He shrugs.

"Please don't call me that."

"You think you'll be happy with him?" He gets up and slowly walks to me. I start to stand so I can move away. "I come in peace. I'm not looking to fight with you Aana. I just want to talk. Honestly." His voice is softer, almost like he used to talk to me before everything happened.

He kneels in front of me a slight distance and looks me straight in the eye.

"I am happy with him."

"He's lying to you. He's into some fucked up shit and he hasn't be loyal to you."

"You're lying."

"Really? Am I? Do you know he's beat the shit out of women he's paid to fuck? Sent one of them to the hospital. And as far as loyalty is concerned, he was in the club getting a blowjob from Leila on the third floor. I have proof."

I open my mouth to speak but he takes out his phone and shows me a picture of Leila on her knees in front of Christian while he looks down at her. Her hands aren't visible so it can only be assumed they're in front of her. The picture is taken straight on and there's not room for doubt.

"Why is your girlfriend giving my fiancé a blowjob?" I hiss at him.

"She's not really my girlfriend, we're not together in that way. I met her by chance and we were talking and she told me about this guy she was seriously dating before he dumped her for this girl he met at a wedding but still keeps her around for a rough fuck. She saw a picture of you on my phone."

"No... no... but... " I shake my head.

"See, he's an unfaithful son of a bitch. Aana, he's fucked up and he'll hurt you... I only want what's best for you Saphir."

"No...this..."

"He's been fucking around with Leila for the past two years, Aana. Even after you guys got together."

I shake my head.

"Christian would never do that. She's lying."

"I am showing you irrefutable proof. You could marry him and he'd still cheat on you. You're just a means to end. Someone to look good on paper so his deals go smoothly and people think he's a family man. You're wife material but a man like that, he's fucked up. He into some really hardcore and fucked up shit."

I shake my head again. "No... you're lying. You're the one who hurt me. You took advantage of me. You raped me."

"Don't be so dramatic, Aana. You loved it. If you didn't love it then why did your body respond."

"A biological response is not consent."

"For fucks sake Aana, I was trying to show you how good we can be together. Don't you remember? We are so fucking good together. We can read each other's minds, finish each other's sentences. We have our own fucking language. I know your mind and what it can do. Grey can't ever measure up to that. You can never replicate the connection we have. You love me, Aana. You told me you loved me so many times."

"Like a brother. Stop twisting my words."

"No, Aana. You told me you loved me. I came up to your room after getting in from Tokyo back in 2014 before Christmas to see if you were awake and I told you I missed you. You told me you loved me. I asked you if you could see us together and you said forever and it was the best moment."

"I was on sleep medication by then for insomnia. I could've been telling the whole world I was the queen of fucking England. You could've made me say anything."

"No, Aana. You meant it. I could tell you did. I didn't have to make you say anything."

"I am your sister. Please stop this." I try to get up but he moves forward and grabs my hands and looks at me pleadingly.

"Look, the moment I saw you in Olympia after the accident. My feelings changed. The though of losing you, I couldn't bear it. I decided to devote myself to you and show you that I would always love you. I tried, Aana I really tried. I started building a portfolio for you back then so that you will always be taken care of. Everything I do has been for you. The clubs... are in our name. Everything I've made is in our name. Don't you see, how devoted I am to you? You think Grey would stick by you through paralysis and help you learn how to walk and talk again? A man like that... he only cares about himself. He left you and went to get his dick sucked off."

"B-but... you hurt me. You... "

"Because you were stubborn. I tried teaching you with love but then punishment was the only way. When I was a kid, when I didn't listen with love, I was punished till I learned. That's the only way, Aana. You have to be cruel to be kind, baby girl." He puts hand on my cheek and looks into my eyes.

I move back a little. "No... you could've talked to me more. You didn't have to be violent with me. After all that I had been through... how could you put me through that again? Maybe I would've come around? I just needed time. You took away my choice." I implore.

"You were strong enough. You could take it and you're so stubborn. You were leaving me. I had to show you before you left."

"You raped me." I choke out.

"A little force isn't rape. It just makes it exciting. Don't be dramatic."

I snatch my hands away from him and walk to the lawyer's table, trying to catch my breath.

"Aana, I'll never stop. I can't. I am determined to prove to you that we're meant to be. Grey, will hurt you... he already has been behind your back."

I turn around. "I can't leave him, okay. Even if you're telling me the truth, I can't leave him."

"Why not?"

I look away. "I... I..."

"What, Aana?"

"He has stuff on me, okay." I look at him. "Pictures and videos. He would ruin me. If I married him, he'd make me sign a pre-nup with fidelity clause. You think he'd fuck around with that? "

"We can hack into his servers and get that shit erased."

"Are you out of your mind. His security is top notch."

"Yeah, but all I need if for you to allow my team access through your computer and we'll take care of it. And as for the fidelity clause, we can take care of that too, Aana. Honestly, it's like you've lost your edge when it comes to your imagination." He smirks but I'm unable to return any sort of positive expression.

"This is not a good idea, Vishaal."

"Baby girl. I can get you out of this. In fact, marry him. We'll catch him and Leila and then you can leave him. We'll have AHAK and then you get 50% of GEH, think about it. The portfolio I've been building for you is almost at $450 million. Aana, we could rule the fucking world. You and me, Saphir." He walks closer to me and reaches out to me, his thumb tracing circles on the back of my hand.

"How can I ever trust you? You took advantage of me, you broke my trust too. Just like Grey." I look up at him.

"I am fucking devoted to you Aana. I haven't been with anyone since you. Five years and all I can think about is you. Even before that, I have been devoted to you. Grey has been with you since what, last year and he's been fucking around with Leila."

"You haven't been with anyone?" I look up at him in surprise.

He nods with a smile. "You're the only one I want to be with, Saphir."

I look away and walk to the window away from him.

"You raped me. I never gave my consent."

"It's not rape when two people love each other."

"I didn't love like you like that. You were my brother. I looked up to you as a brother."

"Fine, you're so fucking stubborn. I raped you but you loved it Aana, I wish you'd stop denying it."

"I couldn't walk or eat for days, Vishaal... "

"Okay, fine. I'm sorry. I'll never do it again. Is that what you want? Can we move past this? Will you come back to me? I will take care of you Aana. Go back to Seattle with him and grant us access to his servers and we'll erase that shit he has on you and then you can come back to me and we can move on from all of this... and even if he still has shit. We can weather the storm. I promise you we can. I love you."

"I.. I'm so confused... this is all too much for me." I choke out. "I never wanted any of this. I just wanted a family. I love this family, please believe me. I only want what's best for everyone. Including you." I look into his eyes pleadingly.

"I'll take care of you. Just like I did before. Remember, Aana? How I was there for you, how I helped you walk, taught you how to sing... you're meant to be with this family Aana. We both can take AHAK farther than Nana and Nani. I'll help you. Trust me. Don't let one incident change all that we've had together for years." He speaks softly as he walks closer to where I am.

"What about Kiran... she wants this. She's worked hard for all this too."

"Then transfer it to us. She'll be taken care of and you won't have to worry about anything. I'll take care of you. That's all you've ever wanted, right? To be taken care of... and you know I will. Just like I did before this misunderstanding" He strokes my cheek.

I nod. "I'm going to call everyone back in and give them our final decision. I want us to move on from this and have a new beginning" I smile at him and he kisses my forehead. I walk to the front of the room to tell Benny to let everyone in.

**CPOV**

It's been 20 minutes and I've paced the entire corridor a million times much to Mr. Benoit's dislike.

Suddenly the doors slide open and Ana speaks to Mr. Benoit and walks back into the room. He calls for everyone and we all take our seats again. I see Ana standing a little too close to Vishaal and smiling at him.

Suddenly he kisses her temple and she smiles at him. This is like repeat of what I saw at the club that night. _WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING?_

Rania, Karan and I share a look. Nita looks confused as well, along with Kiran.

_What is she doing? _She keps her eyes fixed on Vishaal, smiling brightly at him.

"Aana and I have an announcement to make." Vishaal smirks in my direction.

* * *

**A/N:** WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ANA?

DRY HEAVES.


	76. Chapter 76

_O ye of little faith... **AGAIN.**_

Quick shout out to: **Carolyn1960, SavieT** and **Madi** for calling out some of the absurd reactions to the last chapter. Over all, I loved how invested you all are and how you reacted but some reviews really surprised me. Still, I'll take it as a compliment I guess, the point is to get a reaction and I guess I got one. Also, can someone confirm if that one guest review threatened to murder me? I want ot be sure i'm not overreacting myself.

_Chapter song: Weaker Girl – BANKS_

_I wrote this chapter with this song on repeat and imagined Ana finally finding her strength to face everything head on. This is Ana's fight, not Christian's._

* * *

**Chapter 76 – I think you need a weaker girl but ima need a bad motherfucker like me**

_**Present day: **__Tuesday, September 8th, 2020_

**CPOV**

"_Aana and I have an announcement to make." Vishaal smirks in my direction._

"Actually..." Ana begins. "Why don't you sit down, I wanted to say something first before we tell everyone what was decided." She smiles at him. He nods back in agreement and takes his seat. He's fully relaxed and sure of himself while we are all on pins and needles.

_What the hell is she doing? _

"I've given this some thought and after talking to Vishaal, I've reached a decision. Before I announce my intention, I want to take a moment to say a few things." She takes her time looking at everyone as she speaks. Her face is impassive and her voice is calm and measured.

"I owe a lot to this family. For accepting me like they did and giving me all the love in the world, especially in my time of need. This family has brought me back from the unimaginable. You all have done your part in trying to help me literally get back on my feet. I am forever in your debt for this. Which is why, in light of this debt..." She turns to Vishaal and Kiran and smiles at them with tears in her eyes.

_Don't do this, Ana. Please don't do this._

A movement catches my eye. I see her clenched fists relaxed and she subtly holds out the number one. Immediately in my periphery, I see Mr. Benoit casually walk into the room and stand a few feet away from where Ana is. It dawns on me she has the same hand signals with him that she has with Sawyer for her safety. I realize what she's doing and I can feel myself relax only slightly.

"I feel that the only way that I can repay you all, is to do what is right for this family." Vishaal nods in her direction with a look of encouragement. "And that right thing is... to accept the responsibility that my grandmother entrusted me with to assume ownership for AHAK-Steele International and carry on both her and Nana's legacy to the best of my ability." Tears fall from her eyes and her voice shakes but she does her best to hold firm.

"THAT IS NOT WHAT WE FUCKING DECIDED." Vishaal shouts at her.

"No. It is what Nani decided and I accept her decision." She calmly replies.

"This is bullshit, AHAK is supposed to be ours. We're her direct, _BLOOD relatives_. You're not even legally adopted by Nita Khala." Kiran responds.

"FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP KIRAN. AANA HAS EVERY RIGHT TO ALL THIS." Rania shouts at her and everyone looks in their direction. "Blood is absolute bullshit. Time and love is our bond with her and it stronger than blood. It's like you've learned nothing from Nana and Nani but then again why would you, you're so fucking self-absorbed." Kiran, just stares at Rania in disbelief.

"Aana, you're being fucking ridiculous. You said that you would do what is right for this family." Vishaal looks back at Ana, completely ignoring Rania's outburst.

"You're right, I did. And the right thing is to rid this family of a rapist. A man who I looked up to as a brother but he tried to manipulate me and then molested me while I was under the influence of sleeping medication during recovery, when I couldn't move or fend for myself. A man who brutally raped me the weekend before I left for college and then terrorized me for the last five years, making me believe that I was weak because I had no proof. That this family would disown me and I was so stupid to believe all of that."

"You're fucking lying." He says with clenched teeth.

"Bhai would never do that. How dare you accuse him of such a heinous thing? He has only loved you. We all have only loved you." Kiran screams.

Before she can answer, Alia gets up and walks to Ana and embraces her, whispering something in her ear but Ana immediately pushes her back crying and starts screaming at her in Urdu. She looks back at Nita who stands up to say something but is interrupted.

"PLEASE SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY IN ENGLISH." The lawyer tries to bring a sense of order to the room.

"S-she just told me to marry her son so that the company stays within the family. That this is all just a misunderstanding, that I should look past this." Ana cries.

"Mrs. Kapadia, please take a seat." The lawyer instructs her.

"After all that we have done for you, this is how you repay us; by falsely accusing my son of rape? Is this what you told Ma? Is that why she gave you the company? You're a disgrace. You should be grateful that he even took an interest in you." Alia's tone is full of indignation. Her husband joins her and tells Nita how disappointed he is in her and Ana but they ignore him.

"After all that you have done for me?" She scoffs but then starts to scream at Rish and Aila. "YOUR SON RAPED ME FOR HOURS IN A CLUB THAT NIGHT THEN HE RAPED ME IN _THIS HOUSE_. I COULD NOT WALK OR EAT PROPERLY FOR TWO WEEKS. I HAD ROPE BURNS AND BELT MARKS ON MY BODY. FOR MONTHS I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TILL HE TRIED TO CONVINCE ME TO CHANGE THE NATURE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. THAT'S WHEN IT ALL MADE SENSE TO ME BUT HE CONTINUED TO THREATEN ME. TRYING TO BREAK ME DOWN TILL I CAVED..." She takes a moment to catch her breath. "And we have him on tape admitting to it. Your son is not the angel you believe him to be Alia Khala."

"YOU'RE LYING." Aila screams back.

"Did you all read clause number 11 of the attendance agreement you signed?" Ana looks to the room. No one speaks but some of us nod. I vaguely remember reading about the meeting being recorded. They lawyer confirms my memory and I see the shock register on Vishaal's face.

Mr. Benoit takes out his phone and goes through it and suddenly we hear Ana's voice come through the sound system.

"_You raped me. I never gave my consent."_

"_It's not rape when two people love each other."_

"_I didn't love like you like that. You were my brother. I looked up to you as a brother."_

"_Fine, you're so fucking stubborn. I raped you but you loved it Aana, I wish you'd stop denying it."_

"_I couldn't walk or eat for days, Vishaal... "_

"_Okay, fine. I'm sorry. I'll never do it again. Is that what you want? Can we move past this? Will you come back to me? I will take care of you Aana. Go back to Seattle with him and grant us access to his servers and we'll erase that shit he has on you and then you can come back to me and we can move on from all of this... and even if he still has shit. We can weather the storm. I promise you we can. I love you."_

I hear Nita stifle a sob and everyone's jaw hit the floor. The fucking piece of shit has no remorse whatsoever.

Ana speaks again. "Remember what you used to say to me Vishaal?_ Saphir, never go for the jugular it's too messy. You want to win, break the mind and the rest will follow. It may take time but that's the beauty of delayed gratification._"

_HOLY FUCK. _I'm really going to murder this son of a bitch.

I lunge for Vishaal, knocking him to the ground and start to punch the shit out of his face as I hear screams around the room and soon I feel two pairs of hands try to pull me and hold me back.

"NO DON'T TOUCH HIM." I hear Ana scream as she pushes off Raees and Karan who are holding my arms away. "Christian.. don't please..." She holds my face and looks into my eyes pleadingly "He's not worth it. He will be taken care of." She looks at me willing to concede and I nod trying to catch my breath while taking a step back.

"YOU SAID YOU WERE LEAVING HIM. YOU'RE NOT EVEN WEARING HIS RING." Vishaal says getting up from the floor to sit on the couch as he wipes his face and spitting blood back out.

"I NEVER SAID THAT." She turns around and picks up her bag to go through it and quickly puts her ring back on. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M LEAVING HIM NOW?" She holds her hand up."Mr. Benoit told me not to wear my ring to the meeting today. I didn't understand why but trusted him and then it all made sense to me the minute the Mr. Hawthorne made the correction. You thought I'd believe he cheated on me with _YOUR girlfriend?_ He told me about her seeking him out. He would never keep anything like that from me."

I see the shock on Scooter face. Raees is silent as he covers his mouth, slowly shaking his head. I see the anger radiating from Rania while she stands with clenched fists and tears falling from Aashu's eyes. Karan and his father look ashen and embarrassed.

Ana quickly turns around and asks the lawyer to give her the document to sign that gives her ownership of the company.

"DON'T YOU DARE SIGN THAT." Vishaal roars as he stands up again from the couch

She ignores him and continues to sign. Once it's done, she walk around the table again and begins to speak. "It's done. You four are persona non grata at any AHAK properties and from now on, this family. All of your personal belongings will be delivered to you at a later time. Mr. Benoit, please escort them off the premises."

"You're killing us... just like you killed our child." Vishaal says through clenched teeth as he lunges for Ana. Gasps and screams of shock fill the room but Mr. Benoit immediately quickly pulls Ana back behind him, taking out his gun aiming it at Vishaal, while Raees and Karan hold me back again.

"Boy, you are making this worse for yourself. Sit your ass back down. _ALL OF YOU. _Anyone of you four comes near her; I will put a bullet in your head. I am not playing around." He shouts.

Everyone silently retreats and takes a seat while he puts his gun away but Ana remains standing.

"The child you are referring to... was _NOT yours_ because _I was NEVER pregnant_. I was helping your sister after she after she flew into Portland in a panic." Ana shouts, shivering from what just happened.

He looks at Kiran in confusion. "You told me that Ana got an abortion."

"She lied." Ana responds. "Like always, she lied."

"What the fuck is she talking about Kiran?" Scooter looks at her.

"Baby, it's nothing... " Kiran tries to assuage him but it's not working.

"It is definitely something. Daniel, I am so sorry to tell you like this. I hope you can forgive me one day and understand where I was coming from but a month and half after I started college, Kiran came to Portland in a panic and said she hooked up with someone while partying one night in New York when you were setting up the European offices and I finally found out who it was on the night of Aashu's club party... she's been hooking up with Jack Rothstein. I suspect that it was his baby. If you check her phone, he's listed under a pseudonym called Jaan which means..."

"Life... I know what it means." He says in defeat. In this moment, I really feel for him. Scooter looks at Kiran in disbelief. "You fucking promised me that it was over. I forgave you and you told me that Aana was the one who needed your help because she got pregnant after a random hookup... _WHAT THE FUCK KIRAN_?"

"No, baby... she's lying, I would never do that to you." Kiran cries.

_Holy fucking shit_. Scooter knew and still married her.

"I'm sorry Daniel. I'm so sorry." Ana says. Scooter gets up and tells everyone he's leaving, that he can't be around any of this shit anymore and walks out.

"Mr. Benoit, before you escort these four individuals out of here, there is one more piece of information that needs to be made known." Mr. Hawthorne speaks. "Mrs. Karim called for an internal investigation in December of last year to be conducted by a third party source to do some forensic auditing and it was found that Mr. Vishaal Kapadia has been embezzling money from AHAK for the past 7 years with the help of his father and the current CFO at this time. All this information, along with the _consented _recorded conversations here today will be submitted as evidence. Mr. Benoit will be taking care of the arrangements on that." He gets up and starts to collect his things along with his team.

"This is complete bullshit. I'm calling my lawyer." Vishaal snarls and turns to head out of the room. Suddenly I'm reminded that we all had to turn in our phones at the door before entering the room for the meeting.

"Oh, this phone?" Mr. Benoit takes it out of his pocket. "Sorry, I dropped it." He gives Vishaal back a completely trashed phone. This man may not like me but I definitely like him right now.

A team of CPO's walk in and escort Rish, Alia and Kiran out of the room. Vishaal tries to leave but Mr. Benoit stops him. "We have a special escort for you. Till then sit your ass down." He growls and Vishaal complies begrudgingly.

Nita follows her sister out and we hear both women shout at each other for a few minutes before there is complete silence again and she walks back in to the room, with tears falling from her eyes.

A few minutes later, the front door opens again and a man who identifies himself as the DA along with Chief of Police and a few officers walk in to read Vishaal his rights and handcuff him. Before they take him away he says something to Ana in Urdu as they try to drag him but she asks them to stop.

"I will _NEVER_ forgive you. You knew what you did was wrong and you kept doing it. For that you don't deserve forgiveness or mercy. I never did anything to you and you unleashed hell upon me. You kept me away from my family. I lived in so much fear but I am going to move on now and marry the man I love and have his children and be blissfully happy with _MY FAMILY_ while you rot in jail for the rest of your life. You are of no consequence to me anymore. I hope you live with the same kind of pain and fear you have inflicted upon me for the remainder of your years. _Happy Birthday_, Vishaal. " She enunciates each word, dripping with anger and hurt.

The lawyers take their leave and it's just Ana, Nita, myself, Karan, his father Arsh, Aashu, Rania and Raees in the room. We're all silent for a few moments trying to absorb the enormity of what just happened.

Ana is the first to speak as she walks closer to Karan's father. "Uncle Arsh, I am so sorry. I know how hard you've worked to buy back the shares to your company but unfortunately, AHAK can no longer be in business with KGI, I know how this will affect the company but it has to be done."

Arsh nods with a sad smile. "I understand. I'm sorry for what you went through. I am glad you're about to get justice. Aisha Hasan made the right choice." He hugs Ana and tells everyone he's heading back to the hotel and for Rania to make the arrangement to inform KGI shareholders of the breach to the morality clause via official notice from AHAK.

"I... I ... need a minute." Ana runs out of the room and I follow her up the stairs to the second floor where she heads straight for the bathroom and I see her throw up in the toilet. I hold her hair as she continues. Once she stops she pushes me away.

"Not right now, please don't touch me right now... I need to wash all this off." She starts to violently sob.

"What happened, Ana?" I sit next to her and she looks back at me.

"I'm so sorry... I just had to make it believable. He held my hands and kissed my hair. I had to let him believe that I was on his side." She covers her face. "I needed to get him to confess..." She shakily gets up and starts to aggressively wash her arms with soap as she cries. She washes her face almost scratching her skin. I help her dry off after she uses some mouthwash to get rid of the taste of bile and pull her in to my embrace where she holds me tight and continues to sob.

"It's over, Ana." I say softly. "He's gone from your life. You were so brave and I'm so proud of you, baby."

"I wish she were here to see it. I just wish she was still with me." She whimpers. I hold her face and wipe her tears. "According to the letter she wrote me, she said she was here in spirit, I half suspect she had possessed Mr. Benoit." I smile and she giggles.

"She left me a letter too." She takes a deep breath. "She said, _you made me promise not to do anything to him. Instead, I am providing you with the tools to get your justice. All the puzzle pieces are laid out and all you have to do is put them together,_ that she had faith that I could do anything and that she loved me." She wipes her face of the new wave of tears.

"Clause number 11?" I murmur.

"Yeah. I didn't think much of it when I signed the agreement and then after reading her letter with the deed to the Scott Street house, I was still confused... then with the lawyer's mistake... it just didn't make sense till he made the correction. I didn't think it would work but I had to try. I had to make him believe that I wanted to go back to him, not wearing the ring helped, especially after he showed me a picture of you and Leila at the club when she was on her knees. He used that to try and sway me so I let him think it planted the seed of doubt. I made up some shit that you had stuff on me. He wanted me to grant him access to your servers and then convinced me that I should marry you and that we would orchestrate catching you and Leila together to initiate divorce proceedings so I get half of GEH."

I bark out a laugh. "The fucker really thought it through... too bad it all backfired."

"Yeah, I guess now we know why she sought you out at the club. I told you they'd tried to pull something."

"Again, it backfired baby." I lean in to give her kiss, pulling her close and she responds in kind. Soon interrupted by enthusiastic knocking on the door with Rania's voice from the other side.

"If you guys are done having billionaire sex, can you come back down cause we've got more exciting things to talk about..." She cackles.

Ana bursts out laughing and tells her to fuck off and that we'll be back down in five minutes.

"We need to discuss the billionaire sex by the way. I'm adding that to our agenda for tonight." I smirk and she giggles. _I've missed that sound._

We go downstairs and meet everyone back in the room.

"THERE'S MY ALL TIME FAVORITE AND NOW INSANELY RICH COUSIN." Karan cheers making us all laugh. Ana rolls her eyes and he engulfs her in a big bear hug followed by everyone else one by one.

We take our seats and they all look at Ana.

"Why are you all staring at me?" she asks before taking a sip of water.

"Well, you need to give new marching orders." Rania quips. "WE HAVE A NEW BOSS LADY." She claps cheerily making us laugh.

I hold Ana's hand and give it a light squeeze. "Um... well, I was hoping that Karan would step in as CEO and Rania as COO. If this isn't something you want, I'll understand... I would need your recommendations for candidates to fill in those positions including a new CFO and head of Legal if Rania decides to vacate her current position. I have no clue how to run a company like this, so I'll need your help since you all been doing this for a long time and I would like to learn." She looks at the three of us.

"I just have one condition." Rania interjects. "I want my own jet and I want it redone cause I don't trust those two, god know what shit went on in there."

We all burst out laughing and Ana agrees. Karan accepts the position and Rania tells us she'll have the papers drawn up while Aashu agrees to stay on as well to help out in legal.

"Mr. Benoit, I would like for you to take over security at AHAK and include personal security under that umbrella."

"As long as I get my raise." Mr. Benoit shrugs. "Now as delightful as this conversation is. We have an agenda for the rest of the day."

"What do you mean?"

"We have exactly 6 more hours till they officially charge Vishaal and let him see his lawyer. The DA's office is giving that time for us to go to Vishaal's apartment where Miss Williams and Miss Richmond are staying, along with going through the servers at the club. After that, they're searching both places with issued warrants and we won't have access to the evidence."

"What did you promise this DA?" I ask.

"A big fat donation to his Senate campaign." Mr. Benoit smirks. "We've also talked to the DA to help keep Annie's name be listed as Jane Doe on the documents. There's a slim chance that he'll plead not guilty given the dirt we have on him already but he if does, Annie's name will be kept out of it. They're going for maximum sentencing."

"What about Akash? He's also a part of this" Ana says.

"I totally forgot about that pissant. He rolled over like a little bitch when we approached him. He's been helping out. Mrs. Rahman helped out with that as well." Mr. Benoit chuckles and Nita chastises him but he ignores her. "He tried to go for immunity but that didn't fly. He'll get jail time but will eventually be eligible for parole. I know it's not ideal but it's the best we could do."

Ana nods and thinks for a few moments then bursts into tears covering her face. Nita gets up and pulls her into a hug, rubbing her back and kissing her hair as she continues to sob.

"I..I.. I'm sorry... I just feel like... it doesn't feel real... like I can breathe again..." She stammers while wiping her face. "I've waited to feel like this for so long... and I never thought I'd get the chance."

* * *

**A/N:** Vishaal really lost it didn't he? Boy unravelled faster than a house of cards. I tried not to do a cliffhanger but from this point onwards the chapters won't have crazy drama. This was the last of it. Next chapter will deal with the two person sub club and other revelations but nothing crazy that will affect their relationship in a bad way. Just tying loose ends. We are officially out of angst and cliffhanger (at least heart palpitation causing cliffhanger) valley.

Let me know what you think. Just don't threaten my life, cause that's not cool. Also, major shoutout to** Liz-Koch-7 **for letting me know that my story was voted on the facebook group. GUYS, i've never won anything in my life. haha. I just made a facebook account and am waiting to be granted access into the group. my username is face-book {dot} com [slash]**nadiapaleseptember10**

**Diane2229**: your review had me in stitches. SO GOOD.

**LL:** I LOVED your review and I wish you had an account cause I would love discuss some of the very valid points you raised. Especially in regards to Ana's feelings since her manipulation was so different from CG's but equally damaging.

I genuinely adored some of your reactions. I'm so sorry for all the excitement but admit it... y'all loved it too ;) Love you guys, have an amazing week. As always, you can private message, I always respond! I love having little chats with my fellow fanfic familia :)


	77. Chapter 77

The last of the drama. I'm so happy you all liked Chapter 76. I was really nervous there for a second, still I'm so grateful to all you readers who've stuck by me. I know I didn't make it easy. I LOVE YOU ALL.

_Chapter song: Weaker Girl – BANKS_

* * *

**Chapter 77 – tell them you were mad about the way I grew strong**

_**Present day: **__Tuesday, September 8th, 2020_

**CPOV**

I asked for a few minutes alone with Ana before we left the Presidio Terrace house to speak with her about my meeting with Nani. After I'm done telling her everything she stares at me in shock.

"She shouldn't have done that to you... I mean... She should've told me first... she shouldn't have made you keep it from me. I can't believe she did that..." She starts pacing around the study.

"Ana... relax..."

"No... this is... I told them not to get a background check on you. I was in this fucking room when I told Nana that I didn't want a background check on you."

"She did it to protect you Ana and she didn't threaten me. Not once during our meeting. I mean, yeah... I was fucking pissed in the moment because I got my ass handed to me but quickly realized that she meant no harm. She was doing this for you and our future. She could've held it over me but she was compassionate and I'm eternally grateful for that. "

She just stares at the floor and shakes her head. "That means Benny knows... fuck... this makes so much sense..." She sits on the chair and holds her head in her hands. "They had Elena..." she looks at me unable to complete her sentence.

I sit on the chair next to her and lean in. "Yeah, they did."

"I can't believe how sick she was to pimp out her nieces like that... I mean... that level of obsession..."

"Yeah..." I mumble.

Suddenly she stands up and straddles me, hugging me tightly and whispers in my ear. "I'm sorry you went through all that alone. I can't imagine how horrible it must have been to be met with that truth and have no one to talk to about it. I'm so sorry."

I feel like weight has been lifted off of me and I can finally relax. No more secrets between us. I bury my face in her neck and inhale her scent, closing my eyes for a moment.

"I desperately wanted to talk to you but I couldn't... I also didn't want you to taint you with all that shit. I talked to Flynn, it helped a little and Nani also kept trying to tell me to relax that weekend. She could sense my unease but I eventually was able to deal with it. Knowing that she did this ultimately for our happiness..."

She pulls away and looks me in the eye. "She's done so much for me and now us and I'm... in her letter she said that she wanted me to live my life to the fullest from this point forward... I don't want to fail..." her voice cracks.

I pull her in for a kiss. "We won't. It's all over now, Ana."

* * *

"My name is apparently on the deeds to the clubs and all the companies." Ana murmurs. "How do I get out of that? I don't want any of that shit. He said that portfolio is worth $450 million."

"We'll have that taken care of once we retrieve the money he has in Zurich under _Saphirars_. We've talked to the DA about it. It'll all be handled, Rania and I will take care of it. You have nothing to worry about." Mr. Benoit speaks from the front as Taylor drives us to Rania's apartment building where Vishaal also has an apartment. He reaches back and hands her a folder.

We find out that Vishaal has three apartments in the building; two under his own name and one under ARSVAK, with Leila and Phoebe hiding out in plain sight. They'd been in San Francisco all this time and used a disguise whenever they went out.

"Annie, Akash will be at the apartment to let us in. Let me know if you want to punch the little shit."

"I don't want him anywhere near me." She says as she looks out the window. "But Christian can have a go at him if he wants." She giggles and looks back at me.

"As long as no one stops me, I'll happily punch the shit out of him." I smirk.

"I'm just hoping I finally get to shoot someone today." Mr. Benoit grumbles. I hear Taylor snort and Ana burst out laughing, while I shake my head.

"Why did Nani call the lawyer the night before Kiran's wedding? Why that night specifically?"

Mr. Benoit turns in his seat to face Ana. "I was heading back to my room when I heard you yell at someone. Before I could intervene, Mr. Grey stepped in and I heard what Vishaal said to you before he left. I went straight to Mrs. Karim's room and told her what I saw and heard."

"But Vishaal spoke in Hindi with her." I say.

"He understands the language." Ana responds. "He made it a point to learn given that he would have to travel to India with them as well... and the fact that he's nosy." Which earns a snort from Mr. Benoit. "that makes sense because when I got back to SF she kept trying to ask me if I was okay, if I had to tell her anything and I was really dealing with a lot so I caved and told her..."

"What did Vishaal say?"

Before Ana can respond, Mr. Benoit speaks with disdain. "He said that she belonged to him and that she'd do well to remember that."

Ana closes her eyes and shakes her head, wiping her eyes.

He continues. "But you made her promise not to do anything directly to him so we started working on getting as much evidence as we could. While we were in India, I had Tom arrange for cameras to installed around the house."

"Wait... where around the house?"

"Everywhere Annie." He groans and Ana looks at me trying to stifle a smile mouthing 'oops!'

_Busted._ Granted we never had full on sex in the house but we still fooled around.

"But since you always came with Grey and were never really alone, he didn't have the chance to try anything."

"When did she tell you about everything?"

"The next day. " He says quietly. "I swear Annie, I almost shot the little shit but Mrs. Karim said that would be too easy. I have been waiting for this day ever since then."

"You knew what was in the Will?"

"She never directly told me but as we kept gathering more evidence and gave me instructions on how to setup everything for this day, it made sense that she was leaving everything to you."

"Who else knew?"

"When Rania asked me for security logs for that weekend, I told Mrs. Karim and she met with Rania to tell her about our conversation with the DA. I suspect she figured it out but didn't say anything and then... with her passing and we didn't get a chance to further speak about it. I know Mrs. Karim left her a set of instructions in a letter, I delivered that to her the first night."

* * *

We arrive at the apartment and Mr. Benoit walks in first to make sure Akash is out of Ana's line of sight for the duration of our meeting with Leila and Phoebe. We walk in and they are shocked to see us both and run into one of the bedrooms and lock the door. We leave them be, till Ana and I are done going through the apartment but I instruct Taylor to have them out and waiting for us by the time we're done searching. Mr. Benoit hands us gloves so that we can easily move things around.

We arrive at a door with a keypad. Mr. Benoit holds up a black light torch and we see the numbers 1, 9 and 0 with most use. Ana types in a code and the door opens.

"My birthday." Ana groans.

We walk in, while Mr. Benoit waits outside and it's an exact replica of the Vanilla room at the club. I see Ana start to shiver as she closes her eyes and takes deep breaths.

"Ana baby... look at me." I grab her shoulders. She nods and closes her eyes taking deep breaths. After a few moments she opens them and we start to go through the room. I open the closet and there are variety of tools and replicas of the dress that Ana wore alone with the mask she wore. Ana remains silent and doesn't say a word as she sees everything. We take off the paintings from the walls and find a safe. We use the black light again and the number are the most used. Ana thinks for a few minutes and asks for my phone to type different permutations of the numbers down. She finally settles on 08 21 2015. _The night of her rape_. What a sick fuck. She punches in the number and the safe opens. Inside it is a laptop along with a copy of the deeds to the clubs in addition to ownership of Saphirars and the listed shell companies under it. We take out the laptop and she turns it on. We try a series of passwords, the one that finally works is _AanaSaphir._

"I think I need to do this on my own." Ana looks at me once the username logs in. It's an air gapped laptop. _Smart._

"Ana... you don't have to."

She swallows. "I'll be fine... I need to go through this alone. I don't want you to see it. Please."

I nod. "Okay, I'll be right here." I stand on the other side of the computer and watch her face as she eyes move as she types and looks through what I think are pictures. I see her eyes start to tear up but they don't fall. She starts to chew her bottom lip before pursing them completely. Her hands aren't moving which means she watching a video. She closes her eyes for a few moments and then opens them again and quickly taps a few keys and shuts the laptop and immediately starts to take deep breaths as she shivers, trying to stifle a sob and starts to violently shiver.

"Hey... hey... tell me what happened." I hold her and rub her back.

"H-he... he has a video of that night.. I couldn't watch all of it... and... pictures of me when I was sleeping and... he's... t-touching me... they are dated from when I was 17. When I was first moved move home. Some of them are in broad daylight... I couldn't feel anything in my lower body at that time and some areas of my upper body." She pulls away and shakes her head with her eyes tightly shut.

I feel the rage consume me but in this moment it's of no use.

She looks at me with tears in her eyes "thank you for being here with me."

I stroke her cheek. "You're my girl... anything for you." She nods and wraps her arms around me neck and takes a few steadying breaths.

"Let's go take care of the psychos now." She wipes her face and straightens her hair. We put everything back the way we found it and walk out.

We get to the living area where the three culprits are now awaiting their execution. Ana asks for Akash to be taken to another room by Sawyer, while Taylor, Mr. Benoit, Ana and myself remain. She walks into the kitchen to look for something and comes out with two water bottles and places it front of them, before taking a seat next to me, across from where they're sitting.

"Mr. Grey, would you be okay with me talking to them first? I just have a few questions." Ana looks at me.

I sit back. "The floor is yours, Miss Steele." She smiles and thanks me.

"Miss Williams and Miss Richmond. We meet again. I hope you both have been well." She says impassively.

They don't say anything and look at me.

"EYES ON ME." Ana shouts and they startle and look back at her and swallow. "For as long as I am talking to you, I want you to look at me and answer my questions. Do you understand?"

A flash of a grimace passes by their face.

"Or what?" Leila asks with a raised eyebrow and Phoebe relaxes and sits back.

Ana looks at me and tries to stifle a giggle.

"Let me guess, you think you're still protected. That Vishaal will come back any minute now?"

"He inherited his grandfather's company today. You both are just grasping at straws." Phoebe shrugs and looks at her nails.

Ana and I both start laughing and we hear Taylor snort in the background along with Mr. Benoit. "Bless your hearts but he didn't inherit shit, Phyllis."

"MY NAME IS PEONY." She petulantly whines.

"YOUR NAME WILL BE WHAT I WANT IT TO FUCKING BE." Ana shouts. "I AM THE ONE WHO INHERITED A MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR COMPANY FROM HER GRANDMOTHER... That is a shit on of fuck you money and you both are on my shit list so if you know what's good for you, you will answer any and all the questions I have for you."

_I am so in love right now._

"A-akash told us Master V... got everything..." Leila replies. I finally see genuine fear in both their eyes.

"He lied to you."

Phoebe remains quiet for the remainder of the duration while Leila pipes up and talks.

Elena has started out by providing me with lackluster subs on purpose. She had been grooming Phoebe and Leila. She put Phoebe through first knowing that she had mental health issues. When I dismissed Phoebe, Elena convinced her to target Mia. After we caught her, she knew that I would still try to take care of her and as a result, I paid for her three-year rehabilitation at a San Jose facility.

Two years later, she brought Leila around and groomed her to what I thought at the time was to be impeccable however, Leila started to want more. So Elena told her to end the arrangement with me saying I wouldn't be able to handle the rejection and that after a few more lackluster subs, I'd readily take her back and she'd eventually convince me to collar Leila and this way, they'd both have their claws in me for years to come. Except, Leila fell in love and married someone else. When he died, Elena tried to convince me again every now and then that I should take back Leila and bend my rules of not contracting the same sub after a contract termination, given how compatible we seemingly both were.

However,by the time that Elena was supposed to bring me new subs at the end of the year, I had met Ana and sworn off the lifestyle.

_Another plan that backfired spectacularly_

A couple of nights before the wedding, Leila drove up to Armure from San Jose as an unattached submissive where she caught Vishaal's eye and had a session. They met continued to meet every night till he left for the wedding. The night he got back from Big Sur, he was going through pictures on his phone where Leila saw a picture of us both dancing. Vishaal told her that he had been in a relationship with Ana a few years ago and that she left him and he was determined to get her back. Leila recognized me but didn't say anything till she spoke to Elena.

Leila eventually told Vishaal and that's how the plan and the contingencies were formed. However, Elena didn't release all the information she had on me. She only told Vishaal that I was a Dominant and that she provided subs for me and gave him proof of my contracts. They signed a contract the week of Valentines Day. VIshaal flew out Phoebe back to Seattle. She was the red head saw on the Fairmont CCTV. Vishaal signed a D/s contract with both Leila and Phoebe. They both were promised a hefty payout by the end of all this once Ana came back to Vishaal.

The rest of the information when it came to pictures of me with other subs and my sessions with Elena from my teenage years, was to only be revealed if things went completely south for Leila and Phoebe. However, once Elena died and her assets were transferred to Leila and Pheobe. The laptop was scrubbed clean and the additional backup in the Cayman Islands was missing. Elena had told them that she left them more leverage in a letter but since nothing concrete was found they kept their mouths shut and didn't tell Vishaal anything.

_Thank you, Nani_.

Elena also never told any of them about her encounters with us. Had she done that, she probably wouldn't have gotten capital for Esclava or partnership in the club. Smart but ultimately, _not smart enough._

"That's a fascinating story, that I hope you will tell the DA and the police with equal detail and enthusiasm because they will be coming to pay you three a visit."

"Please... we're sorry. We didn't meant to... it was just..."

"Did you actually believe that I was in a relationship with him?" Ana asks. "He raped me as a punishment for exercising my choice to leave and go to college away from San Francisco. He raped me out of a delusional fantasy of his love for me. I looked up to him as a brother. The story he told you of being devoted to my recovery and us being in a relationship is complete fabrication. Yes, he helped in my recovery but that's it. Again, he chose to help me. I couldn't even ask for it because I couldn't even speak for the first year of my recovery." Her voice breaks but she composes herself immediately. "As women, especially as women in the lifestyle surely you can understand the implications of consent. Well, I never gave my consent, EVER."

"We... didn't... know..." She mumbles stealing her eyes away.

Ana holds her hand up. "I don't want to hear it because it's nothing but bullshit. I didn't know about you and then when I did, you were just a number, a name and picture in a file. I didn't know you and I didn't want to because you were the past... but you both came after me and tried to hurt me and cause a rift in my relationship because of your own deluded fantasies. Newsflash, if the man wanted you, he would've continued his arrangement."

"Anastasia..." Leila interrupts.

"You may address me as Miss Steele." Ana barks and then takes a folder out of her bag and goes through it. "Now, I understand that your mother was diagnosed with a very aggressive brain tumor earlier this year and that Vishaal has been paying for her treatments. Is that correct?"

Leila nods meekly. "Yes."

"So in addition to your delusional fantasies you also were doing this for family." She muses. "You know, I could really go the distance to crush you both but I think I should give Mr. Grey that distinct honor." She turns and looks at me. "I'm sure he has a few choice words he'd like to say." She turns to look back at them. "Have fun, ladies. Really soak up this experience because this is the last you'll ever see of him ever again." She gets up and walks away to the other side of the apartment out of view.

They both bow their heads and await their fate. I stand up and look down on them. "I am only going to say this once so listen carefully." They both nod.

"You will tell the DA everything with the exception of my arrangements with you. Should they ask, tell them we knew each other through Elena and were nothing but acquaintances and that you lied about how well you knew me for the money. Their only goal at this point is to get dirt on Vishaal, which you will give to them. You will confirm that he has tried to harass and terrorize Miss Steele in addition to the grand plans he had to break into my company servers and eventually my marriage with her. After we've confirmed your confessions to the DA, I will then consider and _only consider_ whether or not we should let your mother continue on with her treatment."

"Sir... please... I'm.." Leila whimpers.

"QUIET." I shout at her and she closes her eyes and her head remains bowed.

"I was a fair and kind as a Dom but you both really have tested the breadth of my patience and benevolence and you violated the NDA time and time again. If I ever see any of you near us again or hear of you... even breathing will be a blessing for you both." I say through clenched teeth and they nod.

I walk out and meet Ana in the foyer, standing against the wall and looking at the floor. I grab her hand and we take the elevator down to the garage to head out to the club.

Once we got to the club, Mistress Cyan had let us in. Rania had told Mr. Benoit about her and an arrangement was for her to grant us access.

Turns out that Mistress Cyan aka Cynthia Morrison, who Ana had met with Seattle during our break after the BDSM stuff came out, actually met Vishaal and Jack during her undergrad years at Harvard and then they were together again during business school. Cynthia and Jack used to date and got into the BDSM lifestyle early on. Cynthia later took that further but remained friends with them both. She too was fed the same story as Leila and Phoebe with the exception that Ana's name was Saphir, which is why she never made the connection when she first met Ana. Once Vishaal acquired the club, he brought on Cynthia as a permanent feature to provide instruction to newer couple looking to partake in the lifestyle. Cynthia never told him her meeting with Ana even after our relationship had gone public and Vishaal never confirmed who Saphir really was. Apparently she was the only one who knew how to keep her mouth shut after signing an NDA.

We went through Vishaal's office and didn't find much. Ana asked to have Barney and Welch on standby along with Mr. Benoit's IT contact to grant them access to the servers so that they could erase any trace of Rania being in the club before the night of Aashu's pre-wedding party, along with evidence of her membership. Rania had provided her with dates so it was fairly easy and we still have two and half hours on the clock before the police came in. A deal with struck with the DA to not to go after any other members of the club, till then all members had started to receive word through Mistress Cyan that the owner of the club had been arrested and their secrets were in possible jeopardy and to make arrangements accordingly.

* * *

"Despite everything, the club was beautiful. No wonder it did well." Ana murmurs.

"You never have to see it again. It's all in the past." I say.

"I guess." She looks out the window as we drive over the Bay Bridge to head back to the hotel. I tip my head back to rub my eyes and hear a loud gasp and cry from Ana. I look at her and she clutching her hip and stomach.

"What happened... baby look at me..." I move closer to her.

"It hurts..." Ana screams bending over.

I hear Mr. Benoit give Taylor instructions to head to SF Memorial and then make a phone call.

He turns back to look at her. "Annie, talk to me. Is it your hip?"

"N-no... I mean... it's my... FUCK... it's my whole pelvic area..." She starts crying out.

Mr. Benoit tells me to look through her bag for her Percocet prescription but she's out of it. She took the last one two days ago.

"We're 5 minutes out. Annie, almost there." Mr. Benoit says.

"Baby we're almost there, look at me."

She opens her eyes and I see the fear in them. "Something is wrong... I can feel it... it's never been like this... Christian... I'm scared."

We get to SF Memorial and I carry Ana through the emergency room. They administer a mild sedative and once the pain subsides we're taken to the VIP wing of the hospital where they administer more tests. Mr. Benoit tells me they have a special medical protocol for Ana in place since the time she moved here from Olympia after the accident. They made a big donation to the hospital and as a result, all they have to do is call to let them know Ana is coming in and she'll be immediately taken care of.

"This was my old hospital room." Ana says, wiping her tears. "I spent a good five months here and then I'd come here a few times a week for two and half years for physical therapy and stuff like that."

"You're going to be fine, Ana." She couldn't have gone through all this to have something bad happen now. That would be unfair. I try to remain calm and focus on trying to make her feel better.

"I hope so." She says with a small smile. A few moments a nurse comes in to take her for an MRI.

I wait in the room and Mr. Benoit walks in. "How was she feeling?"

"She didn't say. She's scared..." I murmur.

He nods and tells me Nita is on her way over before walking out.

I pace the entirety of hospital room. When I turn around I see a nurse walk in. She's an older woman, probably in her mid 40's of Hispanic heritage.

"I'm sorry sir, I was here to see Ana."

"She's gone for an MRI. You are?"

"I'm Nurse Ortecho, Marie Ortecho... I'll come by a little later. Sorry to disturb you." She gives me a small smile and walks away.

Ana is brought back a little while later and lies down on the bed, looking at the ceiling not saying a word.

"A Nurse came by looking for you. Marie Ortecho." I tell her.

She sits back up. "Marie? Where is she?" She starts to get off the bed and I stop her saying that she'd come back in a while. "Okay... I haven't seen her since last year when I got my annual check up done in the summer while coming out here for wedding planning... she was the nurse who was assigned to me and told the doctors when I first woke up. She took really good care of me. She'd talk to me and stuff." She says with a tight smile. "For the longest time the staff here were my only friends but it still felt really lonely" She shrugs.

I pull her close for a hug and give her a chaste kiss. We sit quietly in each other's embrace for a while till we hear a knock on the door.

"I'm Dr. Jennifer Garica, I'll be handling your case today and you sir, are?"

I hold my hand out. "Christian Grey, I'm Miss Steele's fiancé."

She nods. "Well, Miss Steele, I've gone through your files. You mentioned had both hip pain and some abdominal cramping, is that right?"

"Yes." She answers. "It felt like the beginning of the hip pain I usually get after a stressful episode but this felt a little different, it migrated to my abdomen and pelvic area only. Usually my hip pain remains concentrated and sometimes I faint from the intensity of the pain."

"I see. Miss Steele, have you been stressed lately or only today?"

"The past two and half weeks or so have been difficult. Stress is a kind word to describe what I've been going through." She laughs a little.

"And when was your last period?"

"Um... I'm late about a week or two, I think but I also didn't realize. I mean it's happened before where I'm late... things have been really hectic so I just assumed it was because of stress. I've been spotting here and there otherwise."

"Have you eaten at all today, what about fluids?"

"Not really, it's been a busy day. This banana bag you guys have hooked me up on is the closest I've gotten to fluids for the most part."

"Well, Miss Steele it appears, you're pregnant. I'd say about 4-5 weeks, so it's pretty early. Cramping can usually occur... sometimes it could be due to miscarriage or just stress. In this case, you're perfectly fine so I'd say it was because of the stress and lack of food. Since you're so early in the pregnancy, I would insist that you take it easy and make sure you're properly hydrated and eating well along with getting you started on a pre-natal vitamin regimen."

_WHAT?_ I turn to look at Ana who's equally shocked as I am. _Pregnant?_

The doctor clocks our surprise gives us a small nod. "I'll give you two some time. I'll be back in say, 10 minutes?"

* * *

**A/N:** As mentioned before, this chapter marks the last of the drama. We are premanently living in fluff valley from here on out. There will be some relevations in the next chapters but again, nothing bad. AS and CG's relationship will continue stregthen from here on out. Also, i'm taking a mini break. I've been posting and writing this story continuously since Feb sometimes multiple updates a week... I think I need to rest my brain just a bit. I am going to try my best to post next weekend... but if I don't, please don't be mad. You can all reach out to me on facebook. Search for me **nadiapaleseptember10** \- or you can PM here for any questions you have.

I will not lie, I struggled a little bit with the chapter and on writing the scene where CG confronts the subs. Eager to hear your thoughts.

I'm going to go and try and focus on my other story "Are you ready for your close up?"

ALSO, another fanfic author **deaconlost** gave me an idea for an AU for Darkness to Light. What if CG has saved AS that night? how would everything have played out? What would their story look like? I'm working on that little plot bunny. Let me know what you think. It would obviously be a very different CG and very different AS with pretty much the same characters. I'm excited to explore the possiblities of that. It would also be a shorter story I think.

Again, to all the readers who reviewed the last chapter, thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU. I am so glad you liked my treatment of VK's downfall.


	78. Chapter 78 - Authors Note 832020

**ANNOUNCEMENT:** For all my stories, I will be sticking to a posting schedule of a minimum _2 times a month at least_. I may end up posting way more than that if I get the time but for now I can _**absolutely promise twice a month**_. If something comes up, I will do a proper author's note about it. I will also update my profile too with this schedule. I don't want to leave you all hanging so I thought to put this out there. I started work full time again and my rusty bones are taking a hit along with my brain.

I am so honored and humbled that you all have stuck by me with Darkness to Light. Yes, our couple deserves some fluff and happiness and I am working on it, I promise. I'm back at work full time now so the creativity is a little hard to tap into. You guys keep me going and I am determined to see all my stories till the end. I know how it feels when you fall in love with a story and suddenly the author disappears with no word. You can only hope that they are okay...

I appreciate you all and value your reviews and dedication so I want to be sure I honor that.

p.s. **bandrocks - **I hereby declare you godmama to the future steele-grey children. you'll be _bandrocks khala!_

All stories will be a work in progress till the description reads Complete. I will not abandon them.

I have two other stories that are a WIP.

**Blue of the Darkest Shade**: - this story is an AU of Darkness to Light where CG actually saves AS the night of the club. It has five chapters so far with a Chapter 6 being posted tonight.

**Are you Ready for your close up?** a slightly fun version of CG and AS set in NYC. A lot more comedy and less of the angst between the couple but outside forces will invade. ugh.

As always you can PM or look for me on facebook under **nadiapaleseptember10**.

Also I just realized that some of you have been sending me PM's via the fanfic app. I didn't have the app until like two-three days ago and those PM's don't show up on the desktop of mobile browser version. WEIRD. Also, _faceplam_. I tend to you use the browser version of fanfic most of the time. so y'all may want to log in through the computer because i've been replying to some reviews via PM.

Till then I LOVE YOU ALL. Stay safe and wash those hands, keep 6 feet apart and wear sunscreen. Eat well and be kind to yourselves.

Much love,

Nadia.


	79. Chapter 79

I'm terribly sorry for this delay but i've been struggling with writing this story a bit. I have the ideas but the writing out part has been difficult. Thank you to everyone who has messaged and PM's about it. I promise I will not abandon this story, I just need time to get back into the groove how to write for it. More information in the authors note at the bottom.

**Bandrocks** is officially the godmother to the future Steele-Grey babies. Just wanted to put that out there ;)

_Chapter song: This is the beginning - BOY_

* * *

**Chapter 79 – this is the beginning**

_**Present day: **__Tuesday, September 8th, 2020_

**CPOV**

_WHAT? I turn to look at Ana who's equally shocked as I am. She's... pregnant?_

_The doctor clocks our surprise gives us a small nod. "I'll give you two some time. I'll be back in say, 10 minutes?"_

Ana looks back at me with tears in her eyes. _Is that fear and apprehension?_

She starts to slowly shake her head. "Christian... I..." but I lean in and kiss her hard. It takes her a few moments to reciprocate and a small moan escapes her. I pull back and wipe the falling tears.

"No wonder the sex has been different."

Her brows furrow and I sense a slight panic in her voice. "What do you mean? Good different or bad different?"

"Amazing different." I whisper against her lips making her giggle. We haven't been able to do too much since Aria was staying with us but her body has been reacting differently. I thought it was because we hadn't been together in two weeks. Not that making her orgasm was difficult but for the past two nights it's be definitely quicker and a little more intense for her. I have no complaints. If this is a sign of things to come then I'm all signed up.

"Are you okay with this?" She asks in a small and wavering voice. "I know you said you wanted us to wait a year... but..."

"Let's just say, it serves me right... I should've known from how easily we made that deal." I smirk and she rolls her eyes. "I told you Ana, I want this with you. If it's with you, I want it all."

She nods, teary eyed and whispers. "I love you."

"I love you." I whisper back. "... _and_ our little intruder." She throws her head back and laughs.

Dr. Garcia comes back after a while and gives us a general rundown on what to take care of and look out for during the first trimester along with writing a prescription for pre-natal vitamins. When we get back to Seattle, Ana will schedule an appointment with Dr. Greene.

As Dr. Garcia leaves, Nita walks in with a worried look.

"Meri jaan, what happened? Are you okay?" Nita asks as she hugs Ana and goes to look all over her.

"Yeah, Mama. I'm fine. I'm sorry to worry you, I just had some cramping..." Ana begins and then holds Nita's hands. "It's actually good it happened because it turns out you're going to be a Nani." She smiles.

Nita stares at Ana, then me and then fixes her eyes back on Ana. Once it hits her she starts to cry and hug Ana tightly. "Oh darling... this is the best news ever. I'm so happy for you. I'm happy for you both." She releases Ana and gives me a hug and kiss on the cheek. "I can't wait..."

"Please don't cry... don't worry you'll be the hottest Nani on the block... I promise." Ana laughs through the tears and Nita shakes her head.

"Aanu, stop being silly. Are you hungry? Craving anything in particular? I'll go home and make you something... and Christian, I can tell you right now. She's going to crave fries and ice-cream. Sometimes both together in the bowl... just don't let her eat too much of it. We don't want to risk any gestational diabetes."

I chuckle. "I'll try my best. She's pretty scary when she's not pregnant, this will be a whole new experience." Ana gives me a look while Nita laughs and gives my hand a light squeeze.

"I'm right here, guys. And relax, Ma. I'll eat healthy... for the most part." She snickers.

Once the IV bag finished, we head back to the hotel and had dinner with Nita. We kept the conversation light as we could. I could tell they were both exhausted, physically and more so emotionally. I suppose we all were. Aria was finally going back to Rania and Raees, which meant Ana and I would finally have time to ourselves to unwind form the enormity of today and in a way, the past nine months. Before dropping us off at Ana's suite, Mr. Benoit let Ana know that there was a package waiting for her in the living area of her room. It would be the last of item she was to receive in regards to the Will.

We both informed Mr. Benoit and Taylor of pregnancy which resulted in a slightly jovial handshake from Taylor, while Ana cut through the bullshit and gave Taylor a hug. Mr. Benoit gave me an impassive look and shook my hand mumbling a simple _congratulations_. Ana told him to snap out of it but he rolled his eyes with a chuckle. She joked that he's probably thinking about how she's increased his workload now.

I drew us a bath and we got in, sitting opposite from each other. Ana's been completely zoned out for the most part. I've called a few times but it was only when I picked up her foot and started to massage it that I was able to bring her out of the reverie she had escaped to.

"Baby... what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry... I just..." she looks down at the water with a tense expression. "I still feel overwhelmed. I should feel relief." She looks up and her eyes are red. "... but I don't. I can't stop thinking about Nita."

"What about her?"

"Since December she's found out that she's not Nani's biological daughter, lost her father, found out all this shit about me and Vishaal... lost the only mother she's ever known and today she lost her sister... I'm responsible for all that. I... I.. I've just taken from her. Her family is gone." I see her bottom lip quiver but she doesn't cry. I pull her close and she wraps her arms around me, burying her face in my neck.

"Ana, you didn't do anything. She chose you and you're her family. She has Rania, Karan, Aashu, Ahad and Priya... she's not completely alone."

"But she'll be completely alone here. I'm just going to fuck off and head back to Seattle... she'll be all alone here to deal with this emotionally..."

"You think she'd consider moving to Seattle?"

She giggles. "San Francisco is in her blood and she loves what she does...I guess she can travel a little more now. She'd cut down on it in the last year because of Nana and Nani but now there's nothing holding her back."

I kiss her forehead. "Why don't you feel relief?"

"I don't know. I guess I got so used to holding on to all this trauma and letting it define me that... now that he's out of my life... I'm still scared. It all feels to good to be true. What if he doesn't plead guilty? What if I wake up tomorrow morning and this will all be a nightmare or dream. I don't know. I can't run this company. I have so much to learn, what if I fuck it up? What if I fuck up this pregnancy? And turn out to be a shitty mom like Carla?" she asks in a strained voice. "Maybe if I had punched him in the face, I would've felt a little bit relief." She giggles and I laugh.

"Hey, look at me." She pulls back and swallows, while I hold her face and give her a small kiss. "You're not alone Ana. All this is true and it's real. That fucker will plead guilty and you will wake up tomorrow and this will all be real. You will not fuck up this company. Karan and Rania know what they are doing and will guide you. I can always help if you need it. You will not fuck up this pregnancy and most of all; you could _never_ be a shitty mom like Carla. It's impossible, baby."

"You have so much faith in me..." She mumbles, looking down.

"Just like you have faith in me, baby." She gives me a small smile and nods.

Once we're done with the bath. We call Grace and Carrick to tell them the news. As predicted, Mom starts crying while Dad chokes up. Our next call is to Kate and Elliot where Kate bursts into tears.

"Good job knocking her up bro. Nothing like trapping a billionaire heiress. Looks like we both did good." Elliot wiggles his eyebrows laughing like the hyena he is, eliciting a smack up the head from Kate and giggle from Ana.

"Fuck off, Lelliot." I smirk.

"Watch the press still butcher me... they love him way too much." Ana groans and we hang up a little while later. We call Mia but she doesn't answer so Ana sends a video of us with the good news.

"I thought couples usually wait, that's what Ros did."

"Yeah they do. Usually till they pass the 12th week mark but... I don't want to keep this from our families. It's been so tense and one obstacle after the other since we met, I want us to be happy now. I know there's still a risk but... I still want to celebrate this."

I give her a smile and lean in for a small kiss. "I love you."

"I love you."

We remain seated on the couch, mostly in silence. I see Ana staring at the package on the coffee table in front of us.

"Aren't you going to open it?"

She takes a deep breath. "I don't know if I can handle anymore from today but I'm also really curious so I guess, I'll just shut up and go in for the kill." She reluctantly gets up and opens the package. It's a box with an ornate necklace and headpiece.

"You wore this headpiece on Aashu's wedding."

"Yeah... I did." She says quietly. "This belonged to Nani's mother. It was passed down to her on her wedding and then ever since then, every woman in the family has worn it at their engagement or some wedding related event. Alia Khala wore it when she got engaged to Rish Uncle, Nita wore it when she married dad, Rania wore it at her engagement so did Kiran... but she passed it to me. I always thought Kiran would get it." She says while running her fingers across the jewels.

"It's beautiful... she left it to someone who would really value it."

"Yeah, I guess." She closes the box and puts it back on the table. She picks up the manila envelope that contains two sealed letters with a small white card that has a set of instructions written in Urdu script.

"The instructions say that I'm supposed to read the letter that has my name written on it first... this is how my name is written in Urdu." She says with a smile. The second envelope simply says Mr. Karim. "Um... this is my dad's handwriting." She runs her fingers over the letters and puts it to the side.

She opens the letter addressed to her. It's all written in Urdu and she asks for a few minutes to read it before she can translate. While she reads she has a small smile. "He's started the letter talking about you. Look." She points to a word. "That's what your name looks like in Urdu." She smiles back at me.

"It looks complicated."

"Mine looks complicated too. Interestingly enough, he didn't write out my name as Aana but Anastasia in Urdu." She holds up the envelope and we compare our names.

"What does he say about me?" I'm dying to know.

"He remembers you from the Harvard seminar. He says, in all his years of talking to people and in the few student seminars he's done, you're the only one to have asked him about maintaining one's soul and integrity in business and that he saw a sadness in your eyes. He had hoped that you find peace one day and that he's been following your career, saying you've done really well for yourself." She smiles and kisses the corner of my mouth. "Do you remember the answer he gave you?"

"He said that one of the ways to ensure that I maintain soul and integrity was to make sure I had the right woman by my side. That the partnership I'd have at home would be a source of peace and would help me navigate everything else in life... honestly at the time I thought it was complete and utter bullshit. I just thought he was lucky..."

"Do you still believe that it was bullshit?"

"No, I don't anymore. It was just a different time in my life... I never thought any of that was for me."

She smiles back. "Nani told me that all advice doesn't have to make sense when it's given to us. Sometimes we have to live a little life before we understand it. Once Nana and Nani got married, he'd run every thing about the business by her. She was his confidante. They were a team. He supported her when she wanted to go to Stanford for her MBA back in the 70's. His business grew because of her; I guess that's why he eventually transferred the company in her name."

"And they left it to you." I bring her hand to my lips for a kiss.

She looks down at the letter and silently nods, chewing her bottom lip. She continues to read letter and as she goes on, I see tears start to fall from her eyes. Once she's done reading all three pages of the letter, she tosses it on the table across from us.

"This is fucking bullshit. He doesn't get to say all this, asking me for forgiveness after he's died. THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT." She roars and takes deep breaths.

"Hey, come here... what did he say?" I pull her close to me.

"I can't... " She shakes her head. "I can't deal with all this Christian. This is all too much and I'm overwhelmed." She buries her face in my chest and sobs.

"I know, this day has been a long time coming and it's been a lot for you." I kiss her hair and rub her back. After she calms down a little bit, I get her a glass of water to drink. "Ana, Dr. Garcia said you can't let the stress get to you."

"I know... I'm trying... " She murmurs putting the glass away. "I just feel like I'm going to explode or something. I don't... " She closes her eyes. "I'm just so angry right now. Why couldn't he just have told me this while he was alive? He kept me so far away. I kept thinking I wasn't worthy, that I was... " She shakes her head.

"What did he say, baby?"

"He said a few things. Mostly explained why he was distant. Nani told him what happened with me a few days before he died. He knew what she was going to do and was in full support of it. He's asking for forgiveness because he kept me at a distance on purpose. He said he was afraid of Kiran and Vishaal's jealous nature." She shakes her head closing her eyes. "He knew of the jealousy between the Kapadia cousins, even though it was one sided, he didn't go into detail but I have an idea of what he's alluding to... there have been some violent incidents between them... anyway, he goes on to say that he saw me as the embodiment of all the values he wanted to instill in his grandchildren from the beginning and he really tried to influence and teach them but he failed." She takes a deep breath before continuing.

"He was a afraid that if he doted on me too much or favored me, that they would hurt me or try to hurt me, thinking I'd get a stake in the inheritance. I guess Uncle Rish was grooming them separately given that Nita didn't have biological children, it just made sense that Kiran and Vishaal would get everything... and that after my accident, he felt even more guilty. He couldn't bear to see me all broken like that so he kept himself at a distance. I don't accept this. This is all bullshit." She ends through gritted teeth. "

"Is that all he said?"

"No. He said that he was proud of me; that he's always _been _proud of me because from a young age he could see that I knew my own mind and had a big heart, just like Nita and that Ray had done an exceptional job raising me."

"He should've told you this while he was alive."

"He did, when I was in SF after the wedding..." She wipes her eyes. "He's never been mean to me but I longed for some affirmation at times. I saw how he'd compliment and joke with Rania, Vishaal and Kiran. He'd rarely do it with me, he was just polite to me. I wanted... no I needed a father figure after Ray and... I don't know. I guess I just expected too much... whatever, I'm going to read Dad's letter."

She goes to open the envelope and starts reading the letter.

_Dear Mr. Karim,_

_I write this letter to you in hopes of making my intentions clear about your daughter. I understand you have reservations, I would too, being the father to a little girl myself but I assure you, I only want to love and protect Nita. I may not have much but I have a wealth of love to give her. She has changed my life in just a few short weeks. I have never met anyone like her and moreover she makes me believe in myself._

_I understand that you may think that I am only after her wealth or that I just need someone to play a mother to Annie. Truth is, money really doesn't hold much meaning to me beyond needing it to live my life comfortably and provide for my family as honestly as I can. I will sign whatever you need to confirm that and protect Nita in the process. As for wanting a mother for my daughter, I will not lie, I do. But I also know that not just any woman could fill that role. I see in Nita the qualities that I want my daughter to embody and carry on through her life. In just a short span of time, they've gotten close and I can already see a change in Annie._

_I am a simple man Mr. Karim but I always make promises that I intend to keep. I promise to love and care for Nita to the best of my ability. I will treat her with the respect that I would expect from any man who came knocking on my door claiming that he loved my daughter and wanted to marry her. I want to grow old with Nita and grow our family. She has a tremendous light in her and in my experience, all good things we love and need, grow in the light._

_I hope you will consider giving us your blessing. _

_Sincerely,_

_Raymond Steele_

"I miss him so much. I wish he was here. I wish they were all still here." She chokes out.

* * *

"If you tell Nita, I ate this, I will murder you." Ana giggles with a mouthful of chocolate cake and icecream.

"These cravings are going to get worse aren't they?" I ask, thoroughly amused at this new development in her. I love seeing her eat. It calms me to know that she's taken care of.

She shrugs and laughs. "Say your prayers, Grey." I take the plate from her hand and put it on the side table and climb on top and hold her arms above her head, making her squeal and giggle.

"We need to talk about something important." I whisper against her lips.

"What would that be?" She wiggles her eyebrows in return.

"Billionaire sex." I smirk and she laughs out loud but her cheeks grow red and she closes her eyes in embarrassment. "What? Don't go all shy on me, Miss Steele."

She leans up to give me a small kiss. "Can't I just have good ol' vanilla sex right now with my man? I feel like billionaire sex requires a lot of planning and my imagination is a little shot right now." She says pouting against my lips.

"You can have whatever you like." I chuckle and begin to kiss her.

She wraps herself around me, her hands tangled in my hair, softly moaning as my hands roam around her body that's changing. She's more sensitive to my touch now. She even moves differently, with urgency but still gets lost in the feeling of us being so close together. It's addictive watching her this way.

"Christian, please..." She moaned softly in my ear as I slowly moved in and out of her wanting to make this last as long as I could. "Make me yours..." she whispered against my lips before holding my face between her hands and kissing me deeply.

We locked eyes as I continued to increase the force of my thrusts, climbing higher till she fell apart with me.

"How does my girl feel?"

"Hmm, technically I've graduated from your girl to your baby mama." She giggles and it makes me laugh.

"So that makes me your..."

"Baby daddy!" She cheered and laughed.

We continued to talk, lying in each other's embrace and showing affection till I started to move down her front till I reached my intended destination and began to kiss her entire abdomen area. My child was growing in here. It was a feeling that brought forth feelings or fear and joy.

"According to Google, you're the size of a poppy seed so I don't know if you have ears but I still feel a need to make this statement." I spoke directly to her skin, making her giggle while she ran her hand through my hair. "If you end up being a boy, please don't be an asshole like me and if you end up being a girl, please don't be scary like your mother. I can't handle being outnumbered _and_ terrorized." I chuckle making Ana laugh before she pulled me up to her face.

"You're going to be an amazing father, Mr. Grey." She said with tears in her yes. "I love you so much."

"You make me better, Miss Steele, _only you_. I love you."

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you for still sticking and checking on this story**. **I know I said i'd update twice a month... ugh, my brain is just lame right now.

**Carol222: **please check your PM's I replied to you :) thank you for your thoughtful reviews.

**Anasofia:** girl you crazy but I love you.

**WIlson68 & Zdsg**: thank you for your reviews. my heart is exploding with love. Zdsg please check your PM's :)

* * *

**NEW STORY ALERT: DON'T LEAVE ME HERE**

_What happens when you wait too long? Your secrets eventually catch up to you and you miss out on what's important and true._

Do I have a problem? Yes I do. My brain can't stand still. I have a new story called Don't Leave Me Here, an AU set in NYC.

Tis angsty but it's different from this one. It has 9 chapters so far and is narrators POV which is a new style for me. Check it out and let me know what you think!


	80. Chapter 80

**11/13/20**

**Happy Diwali **to all my friends celebrating :) This chapter much like the ones that will follow will be full of fluff and light.

A couple of notes:

Recap: AS and CG are back together. AHAK was left to AS, she a billionaire now, BOOM! - A baby is on the way. Vishaal is gone, finally.

For those of you who have stuck with this story, I am so grateful that you have and I am sorry for the long delay between updates. From February to July of this year I updated this story 2-3 times a week without fail and then I burned out. There are only a few chapters left but I will finish, it'll just take some time. I won't abandon this story or any of my other stories. It's all about time and inspiration which we run out of from time to time.

_Chapter song: Feels Right - Alina Baraz_

* * *

**Chapter 80 – you feel like heaven to me and everything in between**

_Thursday, September 10th, 2020_

**CPOV**

"You know, this blindfold bit is really boring with no entertainment." Ana grumbles. "The least you could've done was to have a VR headset, I could've watched a movie."

A smile forms on my lips. The thought of entertainment takes me back to this morning when I woke her up by devouring her pussy. I could go for some of that again and I feel a surge of blood rush south.

Instead, I bring her hand to my lips and give it a light bite. "I'm not sure I quite like your tone, Anastasia." She may be blindfolded but I know she's rolling her eyes.

She's in the passenger seat wearing a silk, dark blue blindfold and long blue dress that brings out her eyes, with her hair falling around her front in waves. _Always the simple beauty_.

"It's my birthday, Sir and I can be crabby and whiny if I want to." She giggles.

"I think you need a spanking." I say, playfully.

She laughs and gets into character. "I think you need to have a meeting with Sapphire, Sir."

I smile. _My girl is coming back._

We flew into Seattle late last night, spending most of the day at the AHAK with Karan and Rania giving her an overview of everything at AHAK, along with meeting all department heads and getting facetime with them. She was overwhelmed by the end of it all and didn't speak much except for asking that she really wanted to sleep. It's not lost on me it's been a difficult two weeks, 10 months, heck, 7 years of her life.

And now she feels the weight of this new responsibility. AHAK has more employees than GEH given the nature of their industry and she's afraid of making any wrong moves that would put her family's achievements in jeopardy.

For now it's been decided that Ana will remain behind the scenes but involved in all the major decision making with Karan and Rania, flying into SF when needed.

Till then she wants to keep working at GEH and continue our philanthropy efforts. I told her she didn't have to but she insists on trying to stay busy till she has to eventually end up working from home as the pregnancy progresses and the baby is born.

Fuck! _We're having a baby._

I need to have a session with Flynn and work on ways to not fuck this up. Ana has all this faith in me but she's far more experienced with children and has always wanted to be a mother. While I do, genuinely want all this with her, it's still fairly new and my interactions with Emilia and Rania have been great so far but it's not enough of a yardstick to ascertain that I won't completely fuck this up— no matter what Ana says.

"Are we there yet and does this place have a bathroom because I'm a peeing machine." She huffs. "I'm also hungry."

I laugh. "Almost there. Five minutes. Don't you dare pee in the car."

"What and not mark Lola as my own?"

"Don't you dare." I growl.

"You're so easy to rile up, Mr. Grey." She says with a cheesy smile.

I make a left turn into the driveway leading to our destination and park. I exit the car and walk to her side, helping her out but she loses her balance for a moment.

"Ana, baby, what happened?" My body goes into high alert.

"Oh nothing, my leg fell asleep." She giggles. "Where are we? It feels a little chilly here."

"It's a surprise, well… one of many." I give her a small kiss, draping my jacket around her.

She animatedly sniffs. "I smell grass and water and hear leaves crunching and I feel…" she stops and taps the ground. "A stone pathway of some sort?"

"Give that brain a rest. Miss Steele."

"I'm hungry and need to occupy my mind with something else. I'm growing a baby here, Grey. My body is going haywire."

"Don't I know it." I chuckle and kiss her temple, letting her know we'll eat in five minutes after I quickly show her something. A few short steps later we're in front of our destination. "Ready?" I ask, trying my best to not radiate my own nervous energy. I want her to like everything.

"Nope. I'm thinking of going to sleep." She sasses. I lightly spank her and take off her blindfold.

"Happy Birthday, baby." I whisper.

She stays silent for a few moments and takes stock of what's in front of her.

We're in an open garage staring at two cars. One blue and one red.

"W-wanda?" She gasps and walks to it, running her hands over the body of the newly restored convertible mustang.

"H-how did you— I mean…" there's so much emotion in her voice and eyes.

"I asked Nita if I could have it restored for your birthday after we visited the Montesano house and she gave us access to pick up the car. I was a little worried you might have found out once I knew you'd been in Montesano for a few days after… _all that_."

"I never went into the garage, didn't even think to." She says in a small voice, her eyes still fixed on the vehicle.

"Do you like it? If you want to get anything changed let me know but it has the best of everything and—"

"Are you kidding me, this is so… beautiful and thoughtful and…" she starts to cry and laugh through the tears. "I love it so much. I finally have a car." She claps.

"Cars." I correct her.

She turns around and looks at the second car in red.

"You're insane." She squeals. I put in an order for the Alfa Romeo Disco Volante the day after she told me about it, paying extra to make sure it was done and delivered by the end of August. Then it was just a matter of waiting it out till her birthday.

"You bought Petunia for me?" She asks and literally leans over the car with open arms like she's hugging it.

"Who the hell is Petunia?"

"Oh!" She giggles. "I always thought i'd name her Petunia if I could ever afford to buy her."

I chuckle shaking my head. "You can't name a car like this Petunia."

"Yes I can and I can't wait for Petunia and Wanda to make Lola cry her eyes out." She walks to me and pulls me in for a kiss. "I love you, thank you, thank you, I love this so much." She kisses me deeply this time before pulling away. "Car sex!" She whispers with a cheeky smile.

"Soon!" I laugh. Even though I'd love nothing more than to fuck her, my dick is already hard as it is. "Part two, three and four of your birthday surprise awaits."

She looks at me confused, brows furrowed and I lead her out of the garage and turn to look back at our surroundings in full view.

"This." I gesture to the building in front of us. "Is part two of your birthday present. Our future home, if you like it."

_Please like it._ I'm so fucking nervous.

She looks up with wide eyes. "B-but… wait." She looks around. "You told me an old widow lives here in memory of her husband. Did you kick her out?"

I throw my head back and laugh. "That was a joke. No one has lived here in over 40 years."

I'd often see this house when sailing on the Grace wondering who lived here, it had intrigued me from the first moment I had first seen it. I think a small part of me had hoped against all hope that I'd maybe live here but what would I have needed it for.

Then, Ana came into my life and I found myself making different plans. Plans that involved running after tiny versions of ourselves in the backyard, making a mess in the kitchen for breakfast, walking in the meadow towards the water to take in the sunset and most of all, doing all of this together till we grew old.

When I took her on the Grace the first time, she noticed it before I could show it to her. I made up a story about a widow who lost the love of her life at sea. I didn't realize she actually believed it saying that it was beautiful and how lucky she was in spite of her sadness, to live surrounded by such beauty and serenity. I reached out to a realtor about it, made an all cash offer after Elliot's inspection of the place and by the following week, it was _ours_.

"Well, what was I supposed to think? You know l live for a good love story." She pouts.

It's a Tudor revival style home, situated on a 3 acre lot, 30 minutes from Seattle about 15 minutes from Mom and Dad's and Elliot's and Kate's new place. Earlier in the summer we hired an interior designer to work on Escala and bring some warmth to the space. I had them show Ana mockup sketches of the interior of this under the guise of getting her take of what other project they were working on for another client. Since it was similar to style she confirmed that she loved it. The house had good bones, so I had Elliot's team and the interior designers do a gut renovation, adding an addition for the staff and security wing, making sure it was ready for Ana's birthday. The house is fully furnished and moved in ready if she agrees to it.

"The house is in your name." I look at her. "It has a huge backyard with 100 ft of beach shoreline along Lake Washington and indoor pool. If there's anything else you'd like, let Elliot know and he'll have it done."

"Christian." she says my name with a shaky voice. "Y-you didn't have to do this… I mean, I'm… happy at Escala you didn't have to go to all this trouble."

"But we can be happier here." I hold her face, stroking her cheek. "This place will be ours, _completely_." I add, bringing my hand down to her belly before kissing her. "Come, let's get you inside for a tour." She nods and we walk to the front door hand in hand.

Once we walk through the front door into the foyer I hold her close covering her eyes with my hand as I walk with her.

"Again?" She whines with a giggle. "I swear there better be some food at the end of all this." Her voice and our footsteps echo as we make our way to the family room. Once we arrive and are in position, I ask her if she's ready and nods excitedly. I pull my hand back.

"SURPRISE!" The room is filled with loud cheers and Ana screams in delight going into a laughing followed by tears.

Both our families and friends are here and it's a complete pandemonium as Ana is passed around to each person for birthday hugs. Mom and Dad give me a hug, congratulating me on impending fatherhood. Mom is particularly emotional. From the corner of my eye I see Ana in full conversation with Kate belly, which I no longer find odd since she does it without fail whenever we see her. She says it's important for her niece to get familiar with her.

Ava Olivia Grey is due on November 15th. While Elliot is over the moon, Kate is already over the pregnancy and the swollen feet.

"SHE KICKED." I hear Ana's laughter and watch her lean her face to rest over Kate's belly. "She loves me so much."

"I wish she loved me to not give me heartburn." Kate's disgruntled voice follows.

* * *

"As long as we have an understanding that I come first in your mothers life, we're gonna be good." Jose bends to speak directly at Ana's belly.

"You are so selfish." Ana playfully pushes him away.

"Maintaining the status quo is essential. I'm just passing along a very important memo since you refused to follow my direction."

"Leave my fiance and child alone." I warn him but I know it's no use. He never takes me seriously when we're out of the office.

Jose gives me a look. "Listen up 15.5, I'm going to need you to step aside. I'm talking to 15.8 here."

Ana gasps and her eyes go wide looking at me.

"OH SHIT." Elliot barks out a laugh with Karan and Rania, clapping their hands like a bunch of asshats.

"Stop making me laugh or I'll have to pee." Kate whines.

"Actually he's got a point." Ana giggles. "I am $300 million more richer than you at this moment."

"Not for long." I challenge with a smirk.

"Game on, Grey." She looks to Rania and Karan. "Prepare for war!"

We all laugh.

"I've got two Billionaire friends now." Jose muses. "This is what I've been working towards my entire life. I can move in by weeks end."

"You're not moving in." I warn him.

"From what I understand, it's her house so... ya might wanna rethink that."

"Sorry honey, every girl needs her GBF in close proximity." Ana bats her eyes at me before reaching up to kiss my cheek.

* * *

"This is so embarrassing, I LOVE IT." Ana laughs. Nita and Grace walk in with a chocolate cake with 25 lit candles. We all stand around her and blow them out before cheering _happy birthday_ again.

Gail has prepared a feast that we all heartily indulged in. I watched over with slight wonder and disbelief that this was my life now. I used to abhor stuff like this and now I was in the thick of it and enjoying myself. It made me happy because Ana was happy. I know she would've been just as happy if we would've stayed in at Escala but I wanted to do _more_, wanting her to always be smiling and laughing as she is right now. The sunflower metaphor fits her perfectly, happiest when surrounded by the people she loves or doing things for them but by the same measure the rose is equally fitting; defiant in it's beauty even in the most desolate of conditions, giving way to hope that good things can grow from darkness and find the light.

She says she's forgiven me and I believe her but still, I endeavor to spend the rest of my life making amends, wanting to do everything in my power to keep her from any harm or sadness.

I watch her sway with Aria on her hip as she animatedly converses with Gwen who's holding Emilia in a similar manner. Her eyes meet mine and she gives me a beaming smile that I want to be on the receiving end of for the rest of my life.

* * *

It's been about three hours of socializing and I tell Elliot to get lost and in doing so lead the charge to subtly take everyone with him. It takes forever for everyone to get out mostly because Ana is the absolute worst at letting people leave. She keeps finding something to talk about.

"Thank God they all left." I say as we close the front door.

"You are so bad. First you throw me this amazing birthday surprise and then you chase them all away." She laughs.

"I want my alone time with you." I have no shame, never have, never will when it comes to her. She rolls her eyes and walks ahead, allowing me to spank her glorious ass and hear her squeal. "Tour of the place?"

"Yes please." she nods before wrapping her arms around my waist to tiptoe up to kiss me.

"There's only one room that matters, the rest can wait." I bend down to throw her over my shoulder making her laugh and scream before she spanks me.

"You know, this is probably the last time you can do this, knowing my luck I'll blow up like a puffer fish before we all know it."

I laugh at the possible visual and continue to climb the stairs to the second level towards the Master bedroom. Her body slides down mine and I open the door and lead her in.

It's a little bigger than our room in Escala and similarly decorated with one very important detail. I lead her to the headboard of the bedframe and point up.

"Skylight…" She murmurs with her eyes fixed. It's a rectangular skylight recessed into the roof and only seen when lying on the bed.

"I know you miss it and wanted to make sure you had it again. Since we're far enough from the city, we can see the stars clearly at night." I murmur, against her temple while she continues to look up.

"Christian, this is just… so beautiful." She turns to me and wraps her arms around neck and kisses me. "Why are you so good to me?" Her voice wavers.

_Because you're everything to me. You believe in me._

"It's all for the sex.' I smirk.

She giggles. "You've got jokes, Grey. I've taught you well."

"Come, one more surprise."

"Oh god, Christian. I think I'm all surprised." She laughs and I lead her towards the walk-in closet.

"Cute closet. A little small." She's being facetious of course.

"Watch that smart mouth, Miss Steele." I warn and lead her to a door in the corner of the room. As I punch in the code for it, I hear her breathing hitch. _She knows._

**APOV**

As soon as he takes me towards the door, I immediately know what this is. I had forgotten about the playroom. We have decided on the design and implements we wanted but by the time we came to Seattle after Aashu's wedding, things had gone south and then with everything else, it wasn't something that I thought about.

It makes sense he'd have it built here. God, this house is beautiful. Too big, but then again Christian Grey is the definition of go big or go home. I thought we'd live at Escala for a couple of years at least only because I didn't want to seem like I wasn't happy there though I really do like this place better for obvious reasons. Walking on the early morning grass, sitting by the water on the dock and now the ability to look at the star clad sky before going to bed at night, just like in Montesano… I don't know how i'm expected to leave this place now.

Once the door opens, Christian gestures me to walk in. As soon as I do, the room illuminates via soft recessed lighting, it's the entire design sketch come to life. I didn't mind his earlier playroom build-out and was okay with a similar layout but our choice of furniture and implements was different, in addition to the color scheme.

Christian was adamant on having a dark sapphire like blue for the velvet covered walls with 360 degree Saint Andrews cross in a dull gold, matching with a moveable grid that spanned the entirety of the ceiling above the four poster bed. Above the grid was a mirror, once the grid was moved, it offered an unobstructed view.

The four poster bed was fashioned out of rosewood similar to that during the tudor period of the middle ages. Silk sheets adorned the bed, with the right side of the wall housed cabinets and a chest of drawers storing the smaller toys.

On the right side of the room just off the bed, is a dark green leather couch with a spanking bench, hooks on the walls where riding crops of different materials are displayed in addition to ropes and floggers and a last one with different styles of cuffs from metal to leather.

Suddenly the room was bathed in a dark red hue and soft music seeps through the air, _Feels Right_ by Alina Baraz plays through the sound system and I feel Christian standing right behind me. My body immediately reacts after a slight shiver runs through me down to my core. He isn't touching me but I feel a pull as he slowly leans down to my ear.

"What do you think of your birthday present, Anastasia?" His lips graze the shell of my ear. His voice low and husky vibrates through my skin and I lean back into him, begging to be closer–– every fiber of my being alert, alive and reacting to him.

"I love it, Sir. It's perfect." I close my eyes for a moment trying not to groan as he wraps his arm around my waist, holding me tight against him before he plants a soft kiss on my neck. "Thank you." I whisper, throwing my head back on to his shoulder.

He curls a hand around my neck and crashes his lips to mine, demanding, pulling everything from me. His tongue is merciless and a low groan escapes him when I pull on his hair, needing him to be closer as if we weren't close enough. The other hand raises my dress and moves to find me completely drenched. _Wanting_ and _aching_ for _more._ I moan into his mouth and try to grind against him, desperate for some friction against his now hard cock digging into me.

He pulls back with the same immediacy, stopping his ministrations and looks into my eyes. Darkening grey irises with a slow and devilish smile stretching across his lips. I look down but he orders me to meet his gaze again.

"Since it's your birthday, what would you like to do now, Anastasia?"

I lick my now dry lips and swallow, biting my lip before speaking again. "I'd like to play, Sir."

* * *

**A/N**: Happy Happy Birthday to Ana :) CG is such a lovesick puppy.

I have a facebook group for all my stories: Nadia's Playroom. I post sneak peeks and we have really fun discussions. I post in there everyday and you can ask me questions too.

I have an AU story for Darkness to Light called **Blue of the Darkest Shade** that deals with the premise of what if CG did indeed save AS that night in the club. It's been a fun one to explore.

Thank you again for following along.


	81. Chapter 81

**12/20/2020**

I'm technically on break but didn't want to go into the holiday season without updating this story. This chapter is smut and fluff and even though it stresses me out to write it, I know I owe y'all some good times with our favorite couple. This is my peace offering for putting some of you through not only the angst of this story but my other stories as of late, lol. I hope this makes up for it all.

As promised in Chapter 80, this story will be 99% fluff from here on out.

Without further ado, some birthday sex.

* * *

**Chapter 81 – I belong to you**

_Thursday, September 10th, 2020_

_And if you wanna stay here__  
__Maybe we'll call it paradise__  
_

Christian makes me very slowly undress myself, maintaining eye contact. It's still something I'm not used to, though he really loves watching me. I find myself holding my breath for the entirety of the process till he orders me to undress him—which I obviously love more because he looks _amazing_. He's like this finely sculpted piece of chocolate, which I realize are just my cravings now manifesting… _I think._

On the other hand, I'm about to bloat, actually I've _already_ started to bloat into a puffer fish. After a while, I will really not like being naked in front of him.

He allows me to touch him and plant small kisses as I undress him. Sometimes I flush against his body and kiss him deeply. He'll smile and indulge me a little till he squeezes my ass and spanks it to put me back in place. It's not lost on me that he's come such a long way from when we first met and I don't take his trust in me about this for granted at all. While he is comfortable with my touch and trusts me, I still do my best not to push it too much. I still feel the need to ask both silently and verbally before I am close to his chest and upper back.

_I need you in my heart__  
__I need you to say_

He lifts me over his shoulder again, making me squeal and it never gets old. I resist the urge to spank his annoyingly, perfectly toned ass. He's still in his slacks but they're unbuttoned and unzipped, hanging around his hips. Instead I mime spanking them to satisfy myself.

He lays me gently on the bed and asks me to move to the middle.

"Eyes on the ceiling and nowhere else. Otherwise i'll blindfold you." He tells me.

"Yes." I nod.

"Yes, what?"

_Shit, Dom Christian is mad._ "Yes, Sir." I say sweetly and keep my eyes fixed on the grid above that has a mirror behind it. A few seconds later the grid mechanically moves over to the side and I get an unobstructed view of my naked self.

_I suppose if I'm finally going to watch porn, it may as well be where I'm the star of the show. _

Still, this is weird. I'm not used to seeing myself naked unnecessarily.

Unfortunately the mirror only spans over the bed and as soon as Christian walks away, I lose sight of him. _Maybe, I can still sneak a peek?_ I try to move my head just a little and I catch him watching me. I snap my head back into place and fail to suppress a giggle.

"You really want a spanking don't you?" He asks in a slightly warning tone but there's still a hint of playfulness to it.

"Only if it pleases you, Sir." I reply. He continues to move around and go through the cabinets or drawers, I can't really tell.

"Such benevolence on your birthday, Anastasia?" He inquires. "I'm honored."

"You've done so much for me, it's the least I can do Sir." I answer in sincerity but my voice wavers slightly and for some reason I suddenly feel so emotional. This whole week, few months, _years_ have been so heavy and having him with me for the final stretch of what was meant to happen—the sheer thought of it starts to overwhelm me, feelings of love and gratitude take over and I inhale deeply to try and fight the emotion of it all.

Before I know it, I see him walk into frame abs he leans over me and looks into my eyes.

"What's wrong, baby?" He asks softly, concern etched on his face.

"Nothing." I smile but a tear falls from my right eye. "I'm happy."

He smiles back, genuinely before my tears away and giving me a small kiss. "So am I baby, so am I."

Tapping my nose playfully, he snaps back into his Dom voice and tells me to stay put and that he needs to get something from the kitchen. I lay peacefully and I start to feel just a little sleepy. The room is warm so it's doing me no favors. My eyes remain fixed on the mirror above but my eyes have automatically blurred my body out and I focus on the music. _Too Late_ by Washed Out plays softly through the speakers and I notice the music he's selected is relatively soft, atmospheric and warm, almost dark. I slow my breathing and try my best to get lost in the world he's creating.

_I think you at first__  
__You were a little bit shy__  
_

A few minutes later I hear him walk in and I bite my lip in anticipation, shifting eyes back on to the ceiling. He places a few items on the side table. _Is that ice?_ I see some rope, _CANDLES?_ And a peacock feather. _Awww. Shut up Ana, there's nothing _awww _about this._

So he's going for sensation play? _Hmmm_. I try to keep my eyes to myself. I see and feel him climb on to the bed and raise my arms above my head to tie my wrists, close together with the rope through the lattice grid in the headboard.

"Eyes on the ceiling." He commands and I try not to giggle. The red light in the room makes him even more broody looking but it's just his concentration face, I realize.

Once he's done tying my hands he moves down to my legs, spreading them far apart and tying them with rope to one of the ring hooks on each respective column.

He gets off and stands at the foot of the bed and murmurs. "Beautiful and completely mine"

A slight shiver runs through my body and I close my eyes momentarily to try and relax, willing my brain to shut up and get into the zone. He's killing me with the anticipation, I feel wet, completely exposed and I can't even close my legs which bothers me.

"Eyes open, Anastasia." Christian's voice is low and husky. I immediately follow his command and see then feel the feather land on my torso. It tickles, I purse my lips trying not to giggle and my body moves in response. "Don't move, just feel."

I groan, continuing to watch and feel what he does. It's so erotic. My body starts to heat up even more once he runs the feather down my legs and then back up the other, brushing it over my center that's now sensitive and aching. It's taking every ounce of me to not scream at him to fuck the living shit out of me. We haven't even really started. _This is so frustrating._

He continues his slow and deliberate torture all too soon, my body arches, I close my eyes… but he stops. Fuck, fuck _fuck_.

"Not yet, Anastasia." He climbs on to the bed and straddles me, looking down in my eyes and cocking his head to the side. Fucker, is smiling and enjoying this.

"Please." I whisper, pleadingly. Just fuck me already.

_I changed my mind, I don't want to play anymore. _

He smirks, shaking his head. "What are your safe words?"

"Red, yellow and green." I tell him, sounding all breathy and needy.

"Good girl." His thumb plays with my bottom lip followed by tracing his index finger down from my jaw to my neck to my breasts, before pinching my nipples and my body reacts to the sensation. My skin feels hyperaware and I pull on to my restraints to expel the tension from my body in some way . "I think we need to cool you down a little. Can't have you all hot and bothered." His voice is hoarse and dark.

He climbs off of me, still sitting on the bed and reaches over to the side table. One my one, he places an ice cube at the hollow of my neck that makes my body jump slightly, in between my breasts before gliding over the mounds and nipples before leaving it in the middle. He takes another one, placing it on my belly button and then a last one right over my labia. I arch my back a little and whimper. My body is going into overdrive and the temperature drop is driving me nuts.

"Don't you dare move." He warns me and loudly sucks my breasts before biting my nipples and blowing on them. _Christian, PLEASE_. I internally scream. "If any of these fall off before they're fully melted, I won't let you come. I don't care if it's your birthday. Have I made myself clear?"

"Yes, Sir." I shiver slightly from both the warning and the ice. _Stay fucking calm so he carries on._

"Good girl." He hums and leans over to slowly kiss me.

_Give me the first taste__  
__Let it begin, heaven cannot wait forever__  
_

I try to focus on Fiona's voice and the beat, it barely helps. His tongue consumes me and I mewl against his lips, begging for any sort of release since I can't move. My body temperature rises and I feel the ice melt, dripping to the sides. My clit is frozen for sure. He moves down, leaving very welcome, hot and open mouthed kisses from my neck, my breasts, my torso and fina-fucking-ly, his warm mouth lands on my clit. He gives my folds one slow and luxurious lick and the heat from his tongue is enough for me to jolt upward.

"Better than any fucking birthday cake." He chuckles and I bite my lip, trying not to smile. "Eyes open, Anastasia."

And just like that I watch our reflection and him eating me out like I'm _his _birthday cake. Each lick, bite and suck, throws me into overdrive and I squirm wanting to wrap my thighs around him but instead my hips move slightly to the music. He reaches up with his hands to play with my breasts. He hums in appreciation, telling me _fucking good_ I taste and I feel the words vibrate throughout my entire body.

_Darling, just start the chase, I'll let you win__  
__But you must make the endeavor__  
_

Everything south of me tightens, my eyes roll back, my body arches almost painfully and I fall apart, moaning incoherently. I don't care if he spanks me for making a sound. I'm panting, trying to catch my breath when he comes back up and lays on top of me. The weight and warmth of his body is welcome since I still feel a little cold but it's not too bad. He kisses me, and I taste myself on him, while his hands massages my sides.

"Color?" He asks between kisses.

"Green." I answer eagerly and he bites my lip with a smile.

"Let's warm you up for real then." He smirks and moves again. I see him in the mirror standing at the side table and he lights a candle. We've never done wax play, officially, he did a small test on my hand and arms earlier in the summer to show me and it wasn't terrible at all, so I told him I'd be open to it.

"Safeword if it gets too much, okay?" He says softly and I nod in understanding.

He holds up a dark blue candle and starts with small drops from my right shoulder and they're almost in time with the beat.

_When life gets too complicated__  
__Please stand with me after dark__  
__I'll stay in the limelight__  
__Like a beautiful afterthought_

The first drop of wax causes me to gasp and pull on my restraints but I can't move much since he's straddling me again. I screw my eyes shut but the feeling of the heat and sting subsides almost immediately and he waits for me to open them again. I smile at him and he continues, watching in the mirror above I notice he's making a series of V's that span from one side to the other— as he moves down my body towards my breasts and upper abdomen, it almost looks like I'm wearing an elaborate, layered string necklace with sapphires. I start to like the sensation and begin to get wet again, hating that I can't close my legs. He moves down more and makes the same design on both my thighs and I moan.

"Please, Sir." I breathe. He blows out the candle and puts it down on the floor, then sticks two fingers inside of me, circling them around making me cry out again, begging but then he stops just when i'm about to reach my peak. He pulls them out and sucks on them, greedily, watching me, watching him.

"What would you like, Anastasia?" He smirks.

_You know what I want._

"I can't read your mind, you have to speak."

"I thought a good Dom could read his sub's mind, Sir." I tease with a wink. _See, I can play this game too._

He arches an eyebrow and doesn't say anything. Almost daring me to open my mouth again. After cutting the rope to free my arms and legs—_oh sweet relief_— he orders me to get on fours while facing the foot of the bed. I keep my head bowed and close my eyes to maintain some composure, trying to not pay too much attention to what he's doing but my curiosity is piqued.

I feel a smack on my ass and I gasp followed by a suppressed groan. _That actually felt good._

"I think i'm going to spank you 12 times for that remark." He muses, massaging the cheek that stings.

"Yes, Sir." I murmur and wait for the _funishment _to begin. He lays them on me and when he gets to number 6, he checks to see how wet I am and is pleased to find that I'm completely drenched.

"You like this don't you Anastasia?" He murmurs softly and plants a kiss on each spanked cheek

"I do, Sir. Very much." I answer truthfully.

He begins to spank me again, administering the remaining count of 6 and now my ass is a little sore. _Fuck me already. _

_It _is my birthday_ after all. _

I honestly thought he'd fuck me till I begged him to stop not vice versa.

_I am so damn impatient. _Surely, it's the pregnancy.

_Fuck, I'm pregnant_. The thought is sobering and so weird at the same time.

As I'm lost in thought, I realize he's been busy doing something and suddenly he's behind me. He gently moves my hair from my back and it falls down over my right shoulder against my face.

"Color?"

"Green, Sir."

"Good girl." He says appreciatively and I smile at the praise. I hate to ever let him down.

I can feel that he's naked. His hard cock teases my entrance as he runs a hand across my back. It's a slow and sensual touch. _Finally, he'll fuck m_e––victory will soon be mine, _I hope_. He pushes into me slowly and I revel in the feeling of him fully sheathed inside me. He groans when I squeeze around him, silently begging him to move but he doesn't.

"Don't move." He orders me and I try not whimper, hating how he's drawing everything out.

Then I feel it. The wax. My body tenses a little but I relax, even though my knuckles are now white from gripping the sheets. He's making similar patterns to my front. Any time I moan, he twitches inside of me and I bite my lip at the sensation, feeling myself start to build. The heat of the wax, the feeling of him inside me is driving me crazy, in addition to the music.

_Stimulate me,__  
__I want you mental and physically__  
_

I hear a thud that startles me a little. I suspect it's the candle he's thrown on the floor but before I can fully comprehend that thought, his hands grab my hips hard and pulls out only to thrust back into me with a force that it throws me slightly off balance for a second. I reach out with one hand to grab the wooden frame at the foot of the bed for support.

"You're so fucking beautiful." He grunts as he slams into me again and I moan. _This _is what I wanted.

He maintains this rhythm for exactly five more thrusts and pulls me up, while still inside me. The angle change causes me to groan in pleasure at the feeling. He turns my face and crashes his lips onto mine, silently demanding my complete submission.

I start to move in time with the music, wrapping my hand around his neck and grabbing his hair a little forcefully. I know how much he loves that. His one hand plays with my breasts alternating between kneading them and twisting my nipples while the other plays with my clit to drive me wild.

The sensations are overwhelming and I'm close to letting go, hoping he doesn't deny me again. He moves down to my neck, kissing and nipping my skin. I throw my head back on his shoulder and look up, watching us in the mirror and it's an overload of everything. I thought being blindfolded was tortute but him forcing me to keep my eyes open and watch is equally overwhelming.

_Baby, I belong to you__  
__I belong to you_

I cry out his name, not caring at all— I'm completely gone at this point. He quietly finds his release a few thrusts later after mine.

He's still inside me and we're in the same position where he's holding me tight and planting soft kisses on my neck, as I calm down from my high idly humming to whatever song is playing. I can't really move, _I don't want to move. _I feel his heartbeat against my skin and the warmth and closeness feels good.

"I'm not done with you yet, Anastasia." He whispers and lightly bites my earlobe. I feel him smile as he does. "One more fuck where I completely have my way with you and then I'll let you go."

As tired as I am from the day in general and being restrained, trying to control myself, I'm still excited for what _more_ he'd like to do.

"I was hoping you'd say that, Sir." I smile and he kisses my temple, ordering me to follow him which I do, climbing off the bed with shaky legs. Thankfully, he helps me.

His perfect ass taunts me as I walk behind him towards the St. Andrews cross and I grimace at the idea of looking like a whale in a few months while he'll remain looking this _fine_.

He only restrains my hands and leaves my ankles free. I lean comfortably against the padding of the cross. He stands a few feet away and just looks at me, stroking himself and the sight of it gets me wet. His eyes roam all over my body and soon he's close again, kissing me hungrily with a fervor that makes me want to surrender completely. His one arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me away slightly from the cross and resistance from being restrained feels amazing as he teases my core and g-spot with his fingers. The heat builds me higher and higher and I am almost there, right at the precipice then suddenly everything stops and he pulls away and I gasp for air in both shock and exhaustion. _NO!_

My lips are almost numb and surely bruised from his aggressive and sensual assault. I keep my eyes on his chest and clench my thighs together because I'm frustrated again, wanting a release. My brain is a mess, lost in the haze of so many emotions and sensations.

"Look at me." He says softly and I comply. I'm so wound up and tired now. "Green?"

"Yes." I reply, tiredly but I see him arch an eyebrow. "Yes, Sir." I blurt out and his lips curl into a smile which makes me giggle. I start to feel the exhaustion seep out of me.

"Wrap your legs around me." I do as he says and he lifts me up, holding my body against the grid before he's inside me again and I groan. "Eyes on me, Anastasia. I want to watch you come."

He thrusts in at a hard and furious pace, his eyes locked on me. One arm still wrapped around me and the other grabbing on to the grid of the cross.

"You're mine. Only mine." He says with an urgency. I reply confirming his statement, promising to forever belong to him and no one else. _How could I?_

It gets overwhelming and I'm unable to maintain eye contact from the intensity of everything, my head falls back and I cry out.

"Sir, _please… _I can't." I beg. I'm _so_ close. _I_ _don't want to hold on any longer._

"No, not yet." He grits out and bites down on my shoulder––it's painful but welcome given the different sensation that forces me to focus elsewhere. He grunts with each thrust and it spurs me on. I love hearing him lose himself in me and in _us_.

Planting his mouth back on mine he whispers for me to look at him and as our eyes meet I'm unable to hold back and my orgasm rips through me. He follows through just a few seconds later, loud and hard with the warmth of his release filling me up. I slowly close my eyes and float away, as every ounce of strength leaves me, hearing the last words of the song playing before everything fades to black.

_À trop attendre le sommeil. To wait too long for sleep__  
__Je fatigue. I tire.__  
__La nuit blanche m'offre ses pensées noires. The white night offers me its dark thoughts.__  
_

**CPOV **

We're lying on the four poster bed. I had originally planned a far more physically intense scene for Ana's birthday but then our little _surprise intruder _showed up and I had to reevaluate and improvise–– yet this was still a lot for her I could tell but she took whatever I gave.

I've been slowly increasing the intensity of our scenes and she hasn't safe worded yet but then again I can read her body well. I know she tries to push herself out of the thrill of the challenge and I love her eagerness but going slow is crucial here. Now even more so.

With the pregnancy things will change and I'll have to get creative since her body is changing physically. Sexually she's growing bolder as we progress so it will be interesting to see how this affects things. She's already so sensitive to my touch so this will be fun indeed.

_Just send your heartbeat I'll go to the blue ocean floor__  
__Where they find us no more_

Her hair is wild, skin flushed and she's sated and napping after our scene while I watch her and slowly pick off the pieces of wax from her body. She's out cold and it makes me smile. She was completely incoherent after the last orgasm and I had to carry her to the bed. Watching her sleep is creepy–– I know but it's another way for me to know she's safe. _Peacefully sleeping with me._

She stirs a little and opens her eyes. "Light's blue." She whispers, noticing the change in color and ambience––from red to blue. "How long was I out?"

"About thirty minutes or so." I chuckle and she smiles lazily and I lean in for a small kiss.

"Thank you, Sir." She whispers as soon as I pull away a little, still holding my face close to hers.

"Scene's over, baby."

"I know, but I still want to thank him." She bites my lip. "He always takes care of me, as do you… _always_. Even today with my birthday. You gave––_give_ me so much." she tells me, her voice heavy with emotion.

"Kate told me that since your 16th birthday, any of your milestone birthdays have been… _difficult_." Her 18th was spent in paralysis, her 21st ruined by that asshole. "I wanted your 25th to be special, just you made mine."

"But you didn't have to Christian." she runs a hand through my hair wearing a soft melancholic expression.

"I wanted to." I insist.

"It was very special." She nods with a smile on her lips and continues to tease. "You know what this means right, you gotta really outdo yourself in another 5 years. I expect nothing less than perfection."

I smirk. "I think I can rise up to the challenge."

We talk about the scene and she reveals that she found herself far more impatient this time which I could tell. Jokingly, she blames it on the pregnancy and warns me to blame every out of character instance from now on as a result of this new exciting and equally terrifying development.

"If you think about it, we kind of went through an emotional pregnancy only to get physically pregnant at the end of it." She giggles, snuggling in closer into my neck.

"How so?"

"Well think about it, first you were my boss, then my boyfriend, Dom, fiance and now you're my baby daddy all while we went through the craziness of my family and issues and soon you'll be my––"

"Husband." I smile and she nods.

She traces a finger along my lips. "I'm looking forward to that a lot."

"What else do you look forward to?" I ask, moving to trail kisses around her neck.

"Never being sad again." Her voice grows thick. "Being your wife, holding our baby, growing our lives…" She smiles at me with tears in her eyes.

Before we both know it, we're at it again, connecting the best way we know how.

"More… more—" she gasps I move in and out of her at an achingly slow pace. "Christian _please_." She tightens her hold around me with her legs, arching her back and pulling on my hair.

"Feel me baby." She's close when I pull back and slam myself into her over and over.

She lets go, crying out my name and it pulls me over the edge with her.

After our breathing has calmed a little I look up at her and she's crying but laughs when our eyes meet.

"Intense?"

"Yeah." She nods with a shy smile. Any time we end up having vanilla sex after scene it's emotional for her and for some reason it brings us closer.

"You did so well today, baby. You always do." I leave light kisses all over her face. "Come let's take a bath."

A lazy smile spreads on her lips followed by a pout, raising her arms. "Can't move. I'm jello, Mr. Grey."

* * *

_She's the only one I see__  
__And she's flying through the air_

As much as I love our time playing, I find that the thing I crave most is being close like this. In the bath or in bed. _Being still and close._ In these moments, the past doesn't haunt me, the present is truly peaceful, something I never knew I needed or could have and most of all, there is wonder about the future. No more thinking about just the business— all because of one person. She alone has changed everything in my life and made it full. I want more and _more _of it.

_They will all come to you for relief_

_They will all cherish you because you're sweet_

"I'm going to fall asleep again." Ana murmurs before yawning. The smell of jasmine and roses surrounds as she plays around with the foam. My one hand rests on her belly, caressing it gently along with hers.

"Let's get out of the bath then." I mumble against her temple.

She turns herself and straddles me, planting a small kiss on my lips. "No, it's okay. I really like this too. The calm and warm water was lulling me to sleep."

I smile at her and look over her body to make sure, there's no remnants of the candle wax left.

"Don't you get tired?" She asks. " I mean, you know from the play time? Cause i'm beat." She giggles.

"Are you now?" I smirk, spanking her ass but of course it doesn't have the same effect when submerged in water. "I don't feel as tired as you but we've also not done any physically demanding scenes."

"Does that bother you?" She clears her throat and whispers on. "I mean, do you feel unfulfilled?"

"No, it doesn't bother me." I tell her emphatically. "I told you, I've found a joy with what we have that I never have, _ever." _She gulps and looks down, nodding. I grab her chin between my thumb and forefinger, forcing her to look up at me. I tell her the scene I originally had planned before news of our _intruder_ and her eyes light up but then she pouts.

"You know, this is technically your fault." She sasses.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, yeah, had you not knocked me up, we could've done some freaky shit." She laughs.

"Well once you're no longer crabby and wearing a fragile-_handle with care_ warning, I intend to really test your limits in the playroom, now that we finally have one." I tell her.

"Did you just make a joke that could land you in the doghouse?" She asks playfully.

"No." I flash her my signature panty dropping smile.

"Good, cause I'm totes in my happy place right now to be administering punishment." Her tone is serious but her lips betray her when I see a hint of a smile.

"This is my domain, Anastasia." I bite back.

She bats her eyes and wraps her arms around me to bring my face close to hers.

"Scene's over, Grey. You're in _my domain_ now." She whispers against my lips before kissing me. Our tongues fight against each other for dominance. Every stroke has a ripple effect that resonates throughout my body and before I know it I'm hard for her again.

* * *

"Can we get married?" She asks between kisses once we're all bathed and now lying in our new master bedroom.

"I thought we were."

"I mean, soon. Like, maybe the first week of October?" She pulls back a little more and looks into my eyes and I sense slight apprehension on her part.

_Baby, I'd have a god damn judge here in an hour if you want._

"Had you told me before then we could've gotten married today." I chuckle.

"It's my birthday. I don't wanna share." She pouts with a giggle and it's adorable. "This is _my day_, Mr. Hostile Takeover." I chuckle at her ever present tendency to not share.

"Why the change in timeline?"

"Three very vain reasons." She snorts, holding up three fingers. "One being that I don't want Kate to give birth on the dancefloor or have a baby attached to her boob if we get married next summer so earlier is better. Second, I want to dance at my wedding. I've danced at every other fuckers wedding and I sure as hell won't be kept from dancing at my own, as it is I have to _be careful_." She rolls her eyes. "And third, I don't want to get married post pregnancy with all the baby weight. Also, getting married with a small baby is gonna be a whole other situation. Imagine he or she cries just as the officiant says "speak now or forever hold your peace" _Trust_, if it's my child, he or she will definitely stir up some shit at the very exact moment. Technically that's four but whatever."

I laugh and she hides her face in embarrassment.

"So where do you want to get married, baby?" I trace a small circle on her still flushed cheek, elated that she wants this sooner than the original timeline of next summer.

"Can we do it here? Same people in attendance as today and maybe a few more trusted people from GEH? This place is big enough and what better way to start our lives here? It's our forever home. Plus we can save on the venue." she giggles.

I roll my eyes. "Ana, we can afford a venue. Do I have to teach you how to be a billionaire?" I smirk and she lets out a laugh and pulls me in for a kiss.

"Yeah, I think you do. This is all very crazy to me—might as well learn from the best."

"You've come to the right place."

"Apparently I've come many times today." She wiggles her eyebrows and we both laugh.

"I think you can come some more. In fact you _desperately need to_." I challenge before locking her in a deep kiss and wrapping her leg around me.

* * *

_**3 weeks later **__-_ _Friday, October 2nd, 2020._

_A few hours before the first ultrasound._

**APOV**

I wake up suddenly and feel my face wet with tears and my body covered in sweat. I place a hand on my belly and try to stifle a sob but I feel a slight cramp.

"Christian." I whisper. He doesn't respond and I nudge him a little more forcefully. "Christian, please wake up."

He stirs and opens his eyes, noticing my worried expression and rubs his face.

"What's wrong?" I find myself unable to answer him and he gets up in a panic. "Ana, tell me what's wrong."

I pull his hand and place it on my belly, unable to find the words to explain myself.

* * *

**A/N:** BEFORE you kill me, remember there's still room for 1% of drama-angst. *hides under the covers till 2021*

Happy Holidays my amazing fanfic familia. Stay safe and well. I know it's been a crazy year for all of us. Here's to hoping 2021 brings forth some peace of mind and life to us all.

_**Playroom Playlist vibes**_

_Feels right - Alina Baraz_

_Devotion - Jessie Ware_

_Too Late - Washed Out_

_First Taste - Fiona Apple_

_Afterthought feat. Joji & BENEE_

_Belong To You - Sabrina Claudio feat. 6Lack_

_Insomnies - Angéle_

_Blue Ocean Floor - Justin Timberlake_

_Starflower - Raveena_

_Chewing Cotton Wool - The Japanese House_


	82. Chapter 82

**12/24/2020**

O YE OF _SO LITTLE_ FAITH - I know I've put you all through hell with this story but that part is over. I promise.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Here's a little fluff for you guys, a holiday surprise if you will. Chapter 53, 63 and 72 inform this one.

I loved all the reviews on the last chapter but there was one that was my absolute favorite. As a result you can thank **mommapurvis** for this surprise update.

_Chapter song: Dream - Priscilla Ahn_

* * *

**Chapter 82 - I was a little girl, alone in my little word who dreamed of a little home for me.**

_Friday, October 2nd, 2020._

_A few hours before the first ultrasound._

**APOV**

_Standing at the shoreline, I feel the sun on my face. I love it when San Francisco is beautiful like this––bright and sunny with the sweetness of a cool breeze. I open my eyes and look straight ahead towards the horizon and breathe. My hand unconsciously travels to my belly, I know it's still early but it's the only way I can communicate with our tiny intruder right now. The thought of Christian comes to mind and I find myself smiling like a fool._

"_How does it feel?" I hear a soft voice call out to me from the right._

_My eyes snap open and I follow the sound. "Nani?" _

_She stands next to me, smiling and so young. She's wearing a simple white sari and her hair is in a long braid, just like I've seen in her pictures from her youth. Tears come to my eyes and my voice catches in my throat before I can even think to say anything. I attack her with a hug, holding her tight and crying, never wanting to let go._

_She returns the gesture in equal measure. "What's wrong meri jaan? Do I look that bad?" she giggles, stroking my hair._

_I laugh, not wanting to let go. "So horrible."_

"_I knew it. That husband of mine lied to me again." She chuckles, and kisses my temple. _

_When I finally calm down and pull back to look at her, she smiles while wiping my face with some loose fabric of her sari._

"_Why did you leave? Why did you take so long to come and see me?" I ask. _

_She tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. "You didn't need me anymore."_

"_Of course I need you." I insist. "I'm _always _going to need you."_

"_I've taught you all that you need to know, Aana. Also, I couldn't stand Abdul Karim having too much fun without me. I need to keep an eye on him." She winks and I reluctantly smile. My eyes drop down to our feet in the sand. There's so much I want to tell her and ask her. I want her to come back but I can't find the words. "Come, let's go have some tea." _

_I walk with her hand in hand to our usual spot at Ocean Beach. As we near it, I see two people sitting on a picnic blanket. Nana and Dad. They look young, just like Nani and are dressed in white. _

"_There she is." Nana looks up with smiles, closing his book and tossing it to the side._

"_It's about time you showed up, Private." Dad jokes. I greet and hug them both in confusion and emotion. _

_Once we're settled, I just stare at them talking like they've been hanging out for forever. _

"_What's wrong, Private?" Dad asks._

_I shrug and give them all a tight smile. "I just.. It's been so long and I still need you all. I can't do any of this on my own."_

"_But you're not alone." Nana chimes in and looks at me with a soft expression. "You did so well and you will continue. Don't worry."_

_I shrug. "I don't want to let anyone down_

"_We'll always be here whenever you need to talk to us." Nani assures me and gestures to come and lay my head on her lap._

_I watch them talk and interact with each other, it's like old times when we'd sit in the backyard of the SF house. I'd silently watch them talk about the history and politics of the world. They talk about their travels and memories from childhood._

"_A confused and speechless, Aana is a rare sight." Nana quips, before taking a sip of his tea._

"_I sure as hell never got to experience that." Dad adds, laughing._

"_Stop it, don't tease her." Nani scolds them both and hands me a peeled orange to eat. I look at her and take it a little hesitantly. "You need to eat. It's good for you all." She looks to my belly._

_I nod silently and eat, watching them talk some more. I suddenly notice that the beach is empty with the exception of five small children playing in the distance. The run towards the water and back as the waves come in. I hear their laughter and find myself smiling._

"_We're the only ones here." I mumble._

"_It's how you want it." Nana replies, following my gaze. I see him smile at them._

"_But those children, I don't know them, I mean––"_

"_Do you want to meet them?" Dad asks and I nod. He calls out to them and they run over, racing each other at full speed and squealing. Two little girls and a boy run straight into Dad clinging to his neck with the little boy one diving into his lap while he laughs and groans at the attack. Two little boys run around, once taking a seat on Nana's lap and another, sitting in between Nana and Nani. All children look like they're close to Rania's age._

"_Who are they?" I smile at their antics, they're so beautiful. _

"_These are my boys." Nani smiles, running her hand through one of the little boys' hair. Nana feeds an orange slice to the little one sitting in his lap before kissing the top of head. "This is Ibrahim." She introduces the one sitting next to her. _

"_This is Ali." Nana introduces the little boy sitting in his lap. They both smile at me._

"_And these are your brothers and sisters." Dad tells me, before planting a kiss on the cheek of one little blue eyed girl clinging on to his neck, while the other little girl with similar features along with the little boy reach for the plate with sliced apples and oranges, stuffing their faces heartily._

"_My brother and sisters?" I ask and it suddenly dawns on me who they are. "Adam and Aisha-Sophia." A lump forms in my throat._

"_Well, Aisha-Sophia 1 and Aisha-Sophia 2. I let them fight over the hierarchy." Dad laughs but his face falls once he notices the tears in my eyes. _"_Don't cry, Luna. They've been waiting for so long to meet you" He reaches out to playfully pull my cheek._

_"I'm not crying." I reply, fully crying and laughing. "I'm happy."_

"_No crying, Private." Adam giggles before shoving an apple slice in his mouth and we all laugh. Dad proudly pats his back._

"_Yeah, Aanapa––no crying." The little girls say in unison before walking towards me and engulfing in a hug. I hold them tight. They have long light brown hair and they look like Nita when she was little except they have blue eyes. Adam looks like a mini Ray except he has light brown curly hair._

_Both girls try to feed me but when I tell them I've had enough but they pout and bend down to speak to my belly._

"_Babies are hungry, Aanapa. They need food." Aisha-Sophia 1 says._

"_It's one baby." I laugh and pinch their cheeks. "Don't worry, I ate a lot."_

"_No. One wants apples and one wants oranges." Aisha-Sophia 1 tells me and Aisha-Sophia 2 nods knowingly before they both pat my stomach gently and continue talking. _

"_She wants apples like Christian Bhai." Aisha-Sophia 1 tells me._

_Aisha-Sophia 2 puts her ear to my belly and looks up to me. "He wants oranges like you Aanapa." I run my hand through her hair and give a small smile._

_I look at Nani for clarification and she winks. "Little ones never lie, Aana."_

* * *

**CPOV**

Ana holds my hand to her belly and just looks at me.

"Ana, baby. Talk to me. Are you in pain?" I ask again, trying not to panic.

"No, I just…. had a dream and—" she says thickly before a sob escapes her. I move in closer to pull her in my arms, rubbing her back as a soothing effect while she holds onto me tight, trying her best to calm her breathing.

"Baby, was it a bad dream?" I ask her softly. She simply shakes her head. Before I can ask another question she moves out if my embrace, gets up from the bed and beckons me to follow her to the bathroom. Walking in, she stands in front of the mirror and puts a hand on her belly.

"We're having twins." She says in complete seriousness. I bark out a laugh, as I come to stand by the counter. _That's impossible_. Also because I'm more than likely in denial of the possibility.

"I had a dream." She adds and there are tears in her eyes, she then proceeds to tell me about it.

I lean against the counter and take in the information she gives me.

"I know you're not into this stuff." She mumbles. "But I haven't seen her at all since her death and i've been waiting. Plus Dad was there too _and_ Nana—that's never happened. Like…" she shrugs. "I don't know and with the kids?"

"So an apple and an orange?"

"You like apples and I like oranges, I mean I like apples too but—"

"So one of each?"

"I guess." She shrugs. "I mean, look at my belly, Christian. If this is a single child in my belly then surely it's a mutant or something because at week 7-8 my stomach shouldn't be this protruded."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I've been watching myself since last week and reading all these blogs and for a first time pregnancy with a single child, I shouldn't be showing like this."

"So based on this dream, you are absolutely positive the precious cargo has multiplied." I murmur, looking at her belly. She still looks at herself through the mirror with a concerned expression when I reach out to lightly brush my fingers over the silk nightgown.

She slowly cranes her head to face me with a pointed look. _Fuck me, I'm a dead man._

"Are you calling me a cargo ship?"

"No, baby. Not at all." I pause for a beat. "Mothership. You are the mothership." I purse my lips trying not to laugh.

Her death glare soon fails and her lips quiver before falling into full blown laughter.

"I'm so mad at you right now but also so proud because that was a good one." She says in between laughs. "The student is slowly becoming the Master."

"I am learning from the best." I smirk and pull her close to me to kiss her forehead.

"I'm scared." She whispers. "How can I handle twins _and_ you?"

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, two children and a man child."

I look down and tip her chin up to face me. "Man child?" I arch a brow.

She giggles. "Yeah, you're like the first big baby—man child, I've barely got a handle on you and now, _two more?_"

I narrow my eyes at her but she doesn't back down.

"Admit it, Grey." She teases with a half smile and tiptoes to kiss my nose. "You can be a real man child but you're mine and I love you, so I tolerate it."

"I don't quite like this analysis." I mutter.

She laughs and pulls me in for a kiss and we stand around feeling each other up till I lift her body and she automatically wraps her legs around my waist. I walk us back and gently lay her on the bed. We get into position, with her back to my front. I place a hand on her belly and she rhythmically strokes it.

"Let's not freak out too much about this until the ultrasound tomorrow." _Even though I am silently freaking the fuck out, myself. _"You need to sleep baby. We have a big weekend coming up."

"You think I'm crazy?" She whispers and I hear her voice break as she continues on. "Sorry for panicking, I'm not _scared_, scared… I'm just… well one baby can be a lot and to deal with two, that's like— game over. Double everything, all at once."

"I just don't want you to get worried or stress yourself out." I tell her truthfully. "We'll know for sure in a couple of hours."

"Wanna make a bet?" She giggles.

I chuckle and lean in further to plant kisses on her neck and she snuggles in a little more. "Do I really want to bet against Aisha Hasan and you? I don't know. Now that she's got the spirit world on her side I don't think I want to mess with that."

She giggles. "Rania and Raees bet on everything for a dollar."

"God, for a family of millionaires and billionaires you guys sure are a bunch of cheapskates."

"It's a thing." She laughs. "From Trading Places. It's a Christmas movie. I'll show you one day."

I snort. "Okay, game on."

"When I win, you will write on that one dollar note, Anastasia Steele is always right and Christian Grey is always wrong. Then I will frame it and look at it everyday and make you read it out loud like a daily mantra."

"People call _me_ a smug shit but I've got nothing on you." I laugh.

"That's because you've been outmatched Mr. Grey." She turns around and kisses me. "Are you gonna just lie there and let me sass you into submission or are you going to shut me up?"

Sex has been really and on and off for us. Between her spells of nausea and general tiredness, I've let her set the pace and we've gone from her literally attacking me every few hours, not that I mind to her completely icing me out for a whole 48 hours because she's tired and nauseous.

I trail her thigh and start to play with her and she's already wet, no surprise. "I think I need to fuck you till you pass out."

"Let's see what you come up with." She pouts and bats her eyes at me. "It's our last night together."

"Don't remind me." I groan, taking off her nightgown. Tomorrow night is the rehearsal dinner and I'm being cast out given the whole antiquated tradition of not seeing the bride before the wedding.

"It's just 24 hours, Mr. Grey."

"24 hours too long." I sink myself into her and she arches her back. "I need my fix. I don't sleep well without you."

"Hmm, how about we sneak off for a little while tomorrow and can get a quick fix before we say good night?" She looks into my eyes.

I throw her legs over my shoulder and slam into her. "I'm going to need more than a little while. I'm addicted to you, remember?"

I fuck her hard and fast till she comes but I'm still not done. I pull one more out of her till she begins to tremble and cry out. I finally find my release and hold her close, not wanting to let go.

"What are you thinking about Mr. Grey?" Her nails softly scratch the back of my neck while the other remains interlocked with mine. My face rests between her breasts and I can hear her heartbeat now beating in a slow steady rhythm.

"Less than 48 hours, till you're Mrs. Grey."

She giggles and it vibrates through her body, as much as I love the sound, I love feeling it too.

"_Christian Grey getting married_. Who would've thought?" She muses. "The first time I saw you, you were on a warpath…I know many a time I wondered, _gee_, _I hope he's not like this with his girlfriend or boyfriend––_"

"I'm sorry for scaring you." I interrupt her, the memory of that night at the wedding comes to mind when she was in the tub and telling me about the time she had a hip pain episode at GEH.

"You didn't do it on purpose." She says softy, urging me to face her. "That was you just being a fire breathing dragon––it was also close to lunch time." She giggles.

I smirk. "Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with a fire breathing dragon like me?"

"Eh, I've put in too much work into training you, it's time for me to get a return on my investment." She traces a fingertip lightly over my lips before I bite it and she laughs. "Though, I will tell you, if I give birth to baby dragons, I am taking a vacation. You raise them yourself. I am not dealing with any shit."

"They could very well be gremlins."

"Gremlins are cute. I mean look at me." She gives me a cheeky smile.

"Enough of your sass, Miss Steele. I'm going to fuck you again." I warn her, moving up to align myself.

"Wait!" She stops me and tries to push me off.

"What happened?"

"I need to go pee."

"No, hold it." I chuckle. "It'll be an intense orgasm then."

She looks at me like I've grown another head. "Get the hell off of me you perv." I laugh moving away and she bolts up, grabbing her robe, wearing it as she goes.

"It's only me in the room, why can't you just be naked?" I call out. "Why do you deny me woman?"

She doesn't answer.

"Ana?"

"LET ME PEE IN PEACE YA PERV." She yells.

I laugh out loud. Five minutes later she comes out grumbling and climbs into bed.

I try to untie her robe and she swats my hand away.

"I feel weird walking around naked." She mutters.

"But you look so beautiful." I kiss her shoulder and snake an arm around her waist.

"I don't feel it. This belly is only going to get bigger and…" she shrugs. "I don't know, it just feels weird and I know the sex is… I'm trying because I don't want to deny you but I feel like crap sometimes and—"

"Look at me, Anastasia." Her breathing accelerates a little and she slowly turns to face me with a slightly sad expression."You're the most beautiful woman in the world to me, even more so now that you're pregnant." She gulps and looks down. "Your skin is softer, you taste sweeter, you glow—you come within a second, endless possibilities with that." I smirk and she giggles."...and even just the passing thought of you has me hard as a rock at work. How the fuck am I going to deal with that once you start working from home?" I growl.

"You could work from home, Sir." She says softly.

"If I work from home, the only working will be my fucking you on every surface of this house or staying locked up with you in the playroom."

She shrugs and giggles. "Doesn't seem like a bad deal."

"Look at me, baby." She raises her face to meet mine with a half smile. "If you're not tired i'd still like to fuck you." I tease, pulling her closer.

She giggles but doesn't fight it. Soon enough I have her naked again and I'm inside her.

We go slow, really taking the time to explore each other. Two more orgasms later she begs me to stop, laughing with tears in her eyes.

"I promise i'll sleep now." She murmurs tiredly, once I'm done cleaning her up and get back down into bed.

"Good girl. You've had enough excitement for one night." I chuckle, rubbing her back.

I feel a small kiss on my neck as she wraps an arm around my neck and gets more comfortable in my embrace. "Hmm. Goodnight perv."

"Good morning, freak."

"Sshh, our babies are sleeping."

Babies. Two babies.

No way in hell I'm sleeping tonight till I have scientific confirmation.

* * *

**A/N:** Permission to make CG cry like a baby at the ultrasound? LOL.

Next chapter is ultrasound adventures along with rehearsal dinner shenanigans, xoxo!


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